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Growing up with Depression
By TRACY RYDZY, MSW, LSW
Living with
Chronic Pain
About Living with
Chronic Pain
Helpful Things to Say
to Someone in
Chronic Pain
What NOT to Say to
Someone in Chronic


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The most beautiful people Ive known are those who have known
trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their
way out of the depths. (Elisabeth Kbler-Ross)
I have spoken a lot about the last two years of my life because of the
back surgeries and chronic pain, but there were 31 years before
chronic pain became a part of my daily life. I believe I have had a
good life, but I have had to fight. Fight for my sanity, fight for
control over my emotions, fight for my happiness. Even before pain
and depression became synonymous, I battled with depression and
anxiety.
When I was about 12 years old, I remember reading a Glamour
quiz entitled Are You Depressed? I was too young to even
comprehend the concept of depression, but from the time I was a
child, I knew something was different about me. Luckily, I also
realized that what made me different, also made me wonderful.
Because I was always living in a tornado of ever-changing emotions,
I learned to be empathetic. I truly felt for other people. I was
picked on almost every day of school (at least until high school when
every day changed to often). I was mostly picked on for my weight,
but also for the fact that I would cry easily. It made me angry and it
hurt more than any spinal surgery I have had, but I never tried to
hurt others, with my words or otherwise. I understood, on some
level, even as a child, that the people who said mean things to me
were also hurting and that being cruel was somehow making
themselves feel better. It didnt change how terrible it was to grow
up hating my body and, to some extent, myself.
From the age of about 7 I was very overweight. My body did not
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look like my friends bodies and as a young girl that was
heartbreaking. My breasts were never perky, my tummy never flat.
I couldnt wear the same clothes my friends wore. I spent years
hiding under oversized sweats and baggy pants. I was lucky that I
had a close group of friends, whom I am still friends with today,
more than 20 years later. But, I did not have boyfriends. School
dances were about group dances with my girlfriends and going to the
bathroom every time they played a slow song. When you feel
different from everyone, physically and emotionally, childhood can
be difficult. The difficulties I faced in school contributed to the
already omnipresent depression. My parents are amazing and they
did their best to remind me of what a good person I was, but that did
not sink in until much later.
All I knew about my emotions was that I was what my pediatrician
referred to as high strung. I was moody, I worried about
EVERYTHING and I was fearful. I look at myself today, a person who
speaks her mind, who is brave, who doesnt take crap from anyone,
a woman who doesnt give a flying fudgesicle what people think of
my body, imperfections and alland I wonder how I ever lived like
that?
Thankfully, by my late teens I started to change, physically and
mentally. The summer before my senior year I began to lose weight,
so by graduation I was almost normal sized. I believe that
accomplishment helped me to gain some much needed self-esteem
and it began to bring me out of my shell. Getting the heck out of
school really helped. I was not at the top of my class in high school,
yet when I started college, first at a community college and
eventually all the way through to my masters, something clicked and
I realized I was smart. As a matter of fact, I graduated with honors
for all three of my degrees and my GPA was never lower than a
3.95. It was like suddenly I realized I had talents. As a kid I knew I
was funny and I was a good artist, but when I got to college it was
suddenly a world where I could choose (mostly) what I wanted to
learn. I could use my strengths and improve my weaknesses. I felt
liberated and I started to believe in myself. I started dating here and
there and became less painfully shy around boys. I joined the
theatre club and some other activities and I started to find my voice.
I truly believe that my acting class was far more helpful than any
therapist ever was. My college years were the first time in my life
where I really felt like I was coming into my own, but the one thing
that was always there was my depression.
Like a fly that buzzes around your head, the depression and anxiety
were always there, regardless of how hard I fought to keep it away.
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Living With Chronic Pain
The Spoon Theory
Helpful things to say to someone in chronic pain
Missing out on Life
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Tweet Tweet 31 2
Every small let down, every bad date was like the end of the world
for me. I was sure that other people held it together better than I
did. I was certain that something was not right. It cant be normal
to be this sad or anxious or irritable all the time, can it? It was not
until I took an Abnormal Psychology class that I really understood
that there was a name for what I was going through. The teacher
warned us on Day 1 that we would start to believe we had every
psychological disorder in the book as we read and learned, but not to
worry, it was all part of the learning process. I, however, did. I
learned that I suffered from depression. It was actually a relief for
me to finally have a name and a list of symptoms that made it clear
to me that all these emotions that seemed out of my control were in
fact, as Glamour posited, depression.
Throughout my adult life I have taken medications, mostly
unsuccessfully. It took me MANY years to learn that my greatest
medication was myself and my knowledge of myself and my
diagnosis. When I was looking into graduate school, I thought to
myself, I can help others who are going through this because I know
what its like, first hand.
Would I prefer to live my life without depression? I used to think
Absolutely! But the more I think about it and write about it, the
more I realize that I would not be who I am if not for my chronic
battle with depression. I wouldnt be strong and (mostly) fearless
and self-aware. If I hadnt gotten to know myself and my depression
and learned to fight for my sanity, I wouldnt be the person I am
today. Considering what I have to deal with a daily basis, I guess
my younger years were like boot camp for what was to come.
Photo courtesy of D. Sharon Pruitt via Compfight

My name is Tracy and I am a licensed social worker. I was working
as a Social Worker, when an emergency spinal surgery 2 years ago
changed my life and my career. I live with chronic pain and, as a
result, I have taken my social work and writing skills, and made
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them into this blog. This blog is a humorous, informative, no-holds
barred honest look at life with chronic pain, depression and
disability.
Like this author?
Catch up on other posts by Tracy Rydzy, MSW, LSW (or subscribe
to their feed).
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Last reviewed: 23 May 2013
APA Reference
Rydzy, T. (2013). Growing up with Depression. Psych Central. Retrieved on
March 6, 2014, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/chronic-
pain/2013/05/growing-up-with-depression/

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