Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

Running the Race with Endurance: A Plan for Marital Ministry Success Submitted in partial fulfillment for SEMI 500 The purpose of this paper is to examine the stresses and demands that are faced by ministers and their spouses during seminary and ministry. Also, solutions to marital stresses will be suggested throughout the paper.

Part 1: Family Integration Reflection In Matthew 19:5 Jesus quotes the book of Genesis by saying For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife. (KJV). The greek word rendered cleave is from the root word that means glue. Glue is applied to something for the purpose of enduring stresses that may pull two things apart. God, in his sovereignty, knew that all married couples would endure stress. This is especially true for married couples entering the ministry, and the ones who are together for seminary training. Positive and Negative Effects Studies for ministry are not only academically rigorous but spiritually rigorous as well. Carla Dahl et. al. found that spouses in the field Marriage and Family Therapy training reported mostly negative impact of time and financial stressors, both negative and positive impact of role changes and adjustments, and mostly positive impact on marital communication.1 Normally, no one enters seminary because of the effects that it will have on their marriage. However, these effects can not be overlooked. But the question is, with the negative effects that seminary may

1 Carla M. Dahl, Mary L. Jensen, and Jane L. McCampbell, A Butterfly Effect: The Impact of Marriage and Family Therapy Training on Students Spouses, Journal of Psychology and Theology 38, no.1 (2010)

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

have, do the positive effects outweigh them? Before we discuss the positive effects, let us first look at the negative ones. Loneliness In her 2007 Ph.D dissertation, Jama Davis interviewed multiple spouses of those in ministry. What she found was that a majority of those experienced a high degree of loneliness. The correlation to those in ministry and those in seminary can be related because of the aspects of the student/pastor who must devote significant amounts of energy, time, financial resources and relational abilities into the areas of seminary or ministry. One of the respondents named Katie talked about this loneliness that was only increased because of the isolation in ministry. Jama Davis reports about Katie that, The loneliness increased as she had no one to share the hurt with, share the worries, the difficulties. This indescribable void created by loneliness was ever present as she recognized she and her spouse had each other but not really anybody else with whom they could openly share their pain.2 Loneliness is not unique only to those in ministry. However, because of stress that loneliness can be enhanced. One of the ways in which ministry families can help prevent this loneliness is by scheduling regular times of fellowship and relaxation with other people in ministry. For example, only a brain surgeon can understand what type of stress and focus it takes to perform brain surgery. Therefore, a brain surgeon and his family can relate with other brain surgeons on the most practical manner because each other knows the environment in which they live. Sometimes though ministerial families which are moving to new locations or new schools do not have that advantage, and it is hard for them to really find an open fellowship within the
2 Jama Davis, Alone in a Crowd: A Phenomenological Inquiry into Loneliness as Experienced by Pastors Wives (PhD Dissertation., Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary, 2007) 58, accessed March 7, 201 http:// digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi article=1067&context =doctoral

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

local church body of which they are pastoring. In Davis study, a Pastors wife named Margo found that she had a hard time knowing who to trust and who to connect with, especially at a really large church. This appeared to be contradictory to Margo for her to be in a large church and feeling an intense void of loneliness.3 Seeing that it is hard for ministerial families to let their guard down around other church members, this increases the need for them to maintain relationship with mentors, families, and friends outside of the church. There must be a difference between those whom you minister to, and those whom you minister with. Finding fellowship among other Pastoral families could greatly decrease the amount of perceived loneliness among spouses who seem to always be keeping their guard up. Caring for Pastors Wives The author personally finds that there is not a shortage of encouragement to being a Pastor. The body of Christ is truly a loving body, and even within the midst of tribulation a Pastor can normally find those who are encouraging him to keep preaching the Word, because he is normally the one who is in the spotlight. On the other hand, his wife who is not normally in the spotlight, does not often have that same type of encouragement to keep her going with the same stamina. The old saying stands, that behind every good man is a good woman (and perhaps also a surprised mother in law). So it could be said that the student is going to be no better than the spouse. With this in mind, the nature of the relationship of the spouse during ministry and schooling can greatly affect the performance of the student or minister. The focus of the student during seminary is greatly focused upon his/her studies and performance. A majority of the time this puts a great strain on the marriage relationship. As
3 Jama Davis, Alone in a Crowd: A Phenomenological Inquiry into Loneliness as Experienced by Pastors Wives (PhD Dissertation., Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary, 2007): 80, accessed March 7, 2014 http:// digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi article=1067&context =doctoral

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

Mark McMinn found among Pastors wives, Wives whose husbands are in training sometimes feel left out, no longer needed, left behind academically and spiritually as if two major institutions are vying for the husbands time: the family and the church.4 The author finds that this is a common tension among ministry spouses - the competition between the church and family. Sometimes the glue that Jesus talks about seems like it is between the minister and the church, instead of between the minister and the spouse. How can a minister or a student change this perception among their spouse? Fortunately, McKinn goes on to give a few answers about increasing the strength of that glue. McKinn asked ministers how they maintained their health. This health included spiritual performance, longevity in ministry, professional performance, and also the cohesion of the family. The most frequent responses for maintaining health in ministry were, time off, exercise, and prayer, in that order.5 There seems to be a correlation in ministry performance by how much time one spends away from ministry. The more time one spends engaging his body, his spirit, and his family, the more effective he becomes when it pertains to the effectiveness in ministry. This mentality is backwards when compared to the over-achieving driven mentality of ministry today. The persuasion to do more, work more, and maintain a life of busy-ness becomes increasingly detrimental for the relationship of the minister in a personal manner and a family manner. But, by prioritizing on physical health, spiritual health, and family health, the minister not only helps himself in the long-run, but he helps his spouse as well. The Influence of Study
Mark McMinn, Allen Lish, Pamela Trice, Et. Al., Care for Pastors: Learning from Clergy and Their Spouses, Pastoral Psychology 53, no. 6, (2005): 566.
4 5 Mark McMinn, Allen Lish, Pamela Trice, Et. Al., Care for Pastors: Learning from Clergy and Their Spouses, Pastoral Psychology 53, no. 6, (2005): 573.

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

Whether in the school or in the church, a servant of ministry will have many hours per week devoted to ministry and theology. This is a never-ending task that does not limit itself to the boundaries of academic learning. These stresses of study can be positive and negative. Mikala Legako found among the participants in her study that, A majority of spouses reported a detrimental effect in their marriage due to the accumulated stress of graduate study. Many participants linked the detriment to the long hours required for study which pulled the studentspouse outside the marital relationship.6 No one enters graduate education believing they will not have long hours of study. However, many couples are not prepared for the effects that a lack of relational time will have on their marriage. Most of these students are also working full time jobs, if not their spouse also. One option is that just as a student plans focused study sessions, the couple can also plan focused relationship sessions. Even if the start is just once a week, focused time together can fill the void created during long weeks of study. In conclusion, couples should not think that seminary will only detrimentally affect their marriage. As one interviewee reported to Bejamin Forrest, Robert is my husband. He is my spiritual leader. So anything that has an influence on him is gonna have an influence on me.7 The positive influence during seminary should spill over in positive ways towards the spouse. This glue should not only last during the academic period, but for the lifetime of ministry. By prioritizing planned family times, exercise times, and time spent away from study and ministry, the family will that husband and wife can run the race with endurance.

6 Mikala Legako and Randall Sorenson, Christian Psychology Graduate Schools Impact on Marriage: Nonstudent Spouses Speak., Journal of Psychology and Theology 28, no.3 (2000): 216. 7 Benjamin Forrest, Exploring the Spiritually Formative Experiences of Seminary Spouses: A Phenomenological Inquiry. (Ed.D diss., Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary, 2013), 88, accessed March 7, 2014 http://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1762&context=doctoral

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

Spousal Interview Tyler Watkins has been married to Jesse Watkins for 8 years. They have served together through three different churches. She currently works in the following ways: Working from home to care for 2 children, working Sunday Nights and Monday Nights as a Phone-Call Triage Nurse, and working one weekend a month in the Air National Guard as a Medical Officer. A. Seminary Experience a. What are your thoughts about my call of ministry in relation to Seminary? I feel like seminary will benefit you as far as opening your eyes to new perspectives and new ways of thinking. These things I believe will help make you a better Pastor, Leader, and Visionary. b. What discussions have there been in regards to seminary? We both came to the conclusion that seminary would be beneficial in the long run because it exposes you to a wider range of philosophies about ministry, and the more I am challenged as an individual, I will also be challenged as a leader. B. Personal Strengths A. What are my Strengths You are a visionary, a goal setter. You have very good interrelational skills. There is a very contagious personality about you that engages people to get involved. You are very confident about the direction in which you lead the church. B. How can I sharpen my strengths? Encourage those around you to set goals, share your vision in a manner that people will be able to understand it easily, and be a better relationship builder by spending more time listening.

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

C. How do you think these strengths will help me as a Student? You will be confident to know that you can do it, and that you have the abilities and resources to accomplish the demands of seminary. C. Personal Weakness A. What are my Weaknesses? You are not always open to ideas unless they come from a source that you really respect. You are a little bit close minded, with tunnel vision , and you dont always listen to other peoples perspectives. By listening to the input of others better, you will sharpen your ability to be a leader of people. B. How can I limit my Weaknesses? By being more open minded, and delegating tasks so everything is not forced upon you. C. What area is weakest in regards to Personal Spiritual Formation? My relationship with others is weakest because sometimes I need to be better with controlling my emotions around other people when I am stressed. D. How might these weaknesses prove detrimental to seminary? If the emotional turbulence of the day is not controlled, then it could very easily affect seminary studies in a negative way. D. Opportunities Stemming from Seminary A. What area do you think is your weakest aspect of Spiritual Formation? My knowledge of the Bible is the greatest area in which I need strength. B. How can I assist you in the maturation of this weakness? We need a regular time of the day when we can talk about spiritual things and the things that you are learning in seminary.

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

C. What can I do to include you on this Seminary Journey? - By maintaining open communication about the nature of the classes in which you are taking. Also, you can include me during your study sessions that I can help be the one that is sharpening you. E. Threats stemming from Seminary A. What do you think will be the biggest challenge that we will face because of seminary? Time will be of crucial importance because for 1) - we have two small children who require a lot of care, 2) your time is already constrained because of the demands of ministry, 3) It takes away from the freedom of family time since most of your off days are now focused towards studies. B. How would you recommend that I address these threats? Time management will be more important now than it has ever been before. By properly managing your priorities, it will help shift the burden to the schedule and your family will know when they can have focused time with you.

Personal Strengths Personal Weaknesses Opportunities Stemming from Seminary Threats Stemming From Seminary

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

Proposed Seminary/Ministry Schedule Week 1 - Week 2

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

Spiritual Formation Reflection

It seems like every other week I am hearing about a family in ministry who is getting a divorce and leaving the ministry. I do not believe this has to be the norm, and I think that the way you start the race is the way you finish the race. If you start well, you can end well. After discussing the current trends with my wife, and observing the reported finds from the previous readings, I have proposed for myself a five part plan of personal protection. This plan is as follows: 1. De-clutter Daily - Each day, I plan to declutter my spirit by spending focused time in the word of God apart from my studies from school and church. I intend to declutter by body by focusing on exercise and proper nutrition. Lastly, I intend to declutter my mind be engaging in stimulating activities like writing music, reading, or simply taking a walk outside. 2. Withdraw Weekly - Our family will have a protected day each week in which no ministry event occurs. This day of protected family time will be on Saturday, and if there happens to be a ministry event on Saturday, then we will move this day to Friday. This will be a free day of spending time with the kids and with each other as husband and wife. 3. Recreate Regularly - Times of recreation shall be engaged in with activities like tennis, hiking, biking, or sight seeing. We will try to take 1 family day a month and go somewhere together. 4. Mentor Monthly - In order to limit the amount of loneliness that is felt, we will spend time with another couple in ministry once a month. This could be in the form of a date night, an informal visit at a house, or meeting somewhere for coffee. 5. Vacate Annually - Lastly, we will ensure that at least two times a year, we can withdraw to a place of solitude with the family, without expectation of being available for ministry purposes. During this time, other staff and deacons will be available to answer needs as they arise.

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