Delightful!

Oeccan ChrOnlCItl

KHU'SHWANT SINGH'S

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.,J Hlnaustan limes

Khushwant Singh, humourist, raconteur, editor, shortstory writer, novelist, commentator, has earned a new accolade "the master s inner o! "o#es$" %e has &een clu&&ed together with Bir&al, 'enali (aman and )o al Bhore as one o! India*s all time great humourists$ %is a&ility to ma#e Indians laugh at themselves, and at their own !oi&les, has earned him a readershi and !an !ollowing that is un aralleled$ +s India*s &est #nown "ournalist and syndicated columnist, he is admired and lam&asted in e,ual measure &ecause o! his o!ten irreverent and controversial views$ %owever, even his staunchest critics agree that he is eminently reada&le$ Born in -.-/, Khushwant Singh received his education in 0ahore, 1elhi and 0ondon$ +!ter a &rie! law ractice at 0ahore %igh Court and a stint with the 2inistry o! E3ternal +!!airs, he shot to literary !ame with his award-winning novel Train to Pakistan and the twovolumed History of the Sikhs. %e distinguished himsel! as editor o! The Illustrated Weekly of India 4-.5.-.6.7, and The Hindustan Times 4-.89--.8:7$ 2aster cra!tsman o! his art, Khushwant Singh lives in 1elhi and continues to "hold a mirror to our !ace $$$ !ran#, &ut not venomous, !earless &ut not intimidating$**

CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR
Santa was !lying to Chandigarh !rom ;une$ %e was allotted a middle seat &ut decided to ta#e the window seat instead, which had &een allotted to an old lady$ 'he lady re,uested Santa to e3change the seats and let her sit on the seat allotted to her$ %e re!used, saying, *I want to see the view !rom the window$* 'he old lady com lained to the air hostess who re,uested Santa to sit on his allotted middle seat$ Santa was adamant and &luntly re!used$ 'he air hostess went u to the co- ilot$ %e too came and re,uested Santa, &ut in vain$ <inally, the ca tain o! the aircra!t came$ %e whis ered something in Santa*s ears$ Santa immediately vacated the window seat and too# the middle seat$ +stonished, the air hostess and the co- ilot as#ed the ca tain what he had said to Santa$ 'he ca tain re lied= *>othing, I "ust told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh$ +ll others were going to Jalandhar$*
Contributed by Jyotica Sikand, Ne !elhi

BRIGHT IDEA
Just married, Su#hwant had &ad news !or her hus&and when he returned home !rom his day*s wor#$ *I !eel so sorry,* Su#hwant said with a so&, *I was ressing your &est suit and &urnt a hole in the seat o! the trousers$* *1on*t worry, darling,* said the hus&and amorously, *I have another air o! trousers to match that suit$* *?es, I #now,* Su#hwant re lied$ *?ou*re luc#y that you have$ 'han#s to that, I was a&le to atch u the hole@*
Contributed by Shashank Shekhar, Ne "umbai

RIDDLE
Santa and Banta met on a village road$ Santa was carrying a large gunny &ag over his shoulder$ +Oye, Santa,* hailed Banta, *what is in the &agB* +"ur'iyan Chic#ens,* came the re ly$ *I! I guess how many, can I have oneB* as#ed Banta *?ou can have &oth o! them$* *OK,* said Banta, *!ive$*
Contributed by Jyotica Sikand, Ne !elhi

INDIA THE NE MILLENNIUM

Cheer u my son, &uc# u my &oy, ?ou are living in *'he 0and o! Joy*$ ?ou go to school where they do not teach, In the %ouse o! )od, they hatred reach$ I! you have merit, you will sigh and so&, I! you are &ac#ward, you might get a "o&$ Out o! caste, i! you dare to wed, ?our #ith and #in will cho your head$ I! you are honest, in north or in south, ?ou will live !rom hand to mouth$ I! you are wily and your means sinister, ?ou are li#ely to &ecome a chie! minister$ But remem&er the new ma3im, my lad, 1e!ection is good, conversion is &ad$
Contributed by ,.C. -handari, "eerut

GREED UNLIMITED
0ala )ari& Chand was a wealthy #amindar. %e as#ed his maneem 4accountant7 to add u all he owned and how long it could last$ 'he muneem added u all his assets and assured him that it would certainly hold out till the traditional saat $usht seven generations$ <ar !rom &eing relieved 0ala )ari& Chand loo#ed more disconsolate than &e!ore and with a great sigh o! sorrow e3claimed, Hai% Hamaaree aath&een $usht ka kya ho'a( 4Oh@ Ahat will ha en to our eighth generationB7
Contributed by )*. "alhotra, Ne !elhi

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER

Ahile &eing interviewed an actress was as#ed whether she intended to get married in the near !uture$ 'he lady re lied, *>ever, I will !ollow in the !ootste s o! my mother$ 0i#e her, I will remain single$*
Contributed by J.P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al

HAND BAGGAGE
Ci"aagar &oarded a crowded &us with a &ag!ul o! urchases$ 'here was no vacant seat$ +s the old &us rattled and swayed, he su orted himsel! recariously, holding the &ag in one hand, the other hand holding the &ar rovided near the ceiling$ *'ic#et $$$ tic#et $$$ tic#et,* the conductor made several rounds ast C"aagar$ %is wallet in his hi oc#et and &oth hands engaged, C"aagar didn*t #now what to do$ *'ic#et, Sardar"i,* the conductor as#ed again$ C"aagar thrust the &ag into the conductor*s hand and struggled to ta#e the wallet out, when the conductor rotested= ' can*t &e carrying assengers* &aggage li#e this I*m the conductor, a!ter all@* *O#ay, then give me the &ag, and here, will you lease hold the &ar,* re lied C"aagar$
Contributed by S... -aseer, Hyderabad

LABOUR WOES
'he Indian and Cu&an la&our ministers were in the midst o! a meeting$ Cu&an la&our minister= *0a&our ro&lems in our nation roduce hundreds o! ty es o! tensions !or me$* Indian la&our minister= *'hat*s nothing$ 0a&our ro&lems in our nation roduce /9,999 &a&ies every day$*

NEW INVENTION
DSanta said to Santa, ' have invented a new #ind o! com uter which &ehaves li#e a human &eing$* *In what wayB* as#ed Santa$ *Ahenever it ma#es a mista#e,* re lied Banta, *it &lames other com uters$*
Contributed by J.P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al

WHAT A CHEAP

Banta went to a chea restaurant to have dinner$ %e ran into his !riend (am 0ai who was wor#ing there as a waiter$ *(am 0ai, aren*t you ashamed o! wor#ing in this thirdclass restaurantB* he as#ed$ ' may wor# in a third-class restaurant,* re lied (am 0ai, *&ut I don*t eat in one li#e you$*
Contributed by J.P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al

CATCH THEM ...!

+n Englishman, an +merican, and a Sardar"i were called u on to test a lie detector$ 'he Englishman said, ' thin# I can em ty E9 &ottles o! &eer$* BCFFFFF went the lie detector$ *OK,* he said, *-9 &ottles$* +nd the machine was silent$ ,$ 'he +merican said, *I thin# I can eat -/ ham&urgers$* BCFFFFF went the lie detector$ *+lright, 8 ham&urgers$* +nd the machine was silent$ 'he Sardar"i said, GI thin# $$$* BCFFFFF went the machine@
Contributed by Hardi$ *aur Sandhu, !enmark

"MART MO#E
(a#esh= *Bro#en o!! your engagement to 2eenaB* 2ahesh= *She would not have me$* (a#esh= *?ou should have told her a&out your rich uncle in Bom&ay$* 2ahesh= ' did$ She is my aunt now$*
Contributed by *esa&a Prasad, Tamilnadu

BETTING B L U E "
/anta saw that his !riend (am 0ai was very de ressed$ *Ahat ha enedB* as#ed Santa$ +/aar, I lost (s 899 in a &et yesterday$* *%ow comeB* *Aell, yesterday, the one day match &etween India and England was &eing shown live on 'H I &et (s /99 that India would win, &ut I lost the &et$* *But that*s only (s /99, where did the rest goB* +/aar, I &et on the highlights too@*
Contributed by .init *achnt, Washin'ton !C

ONE &OR IMAMDIN

Su&edar 0ehna Singh and Su&edar Imamdin were in the same regiment in the British Indian +rmy$ 'hey were inse ara&le !riends and s ent their evenings drin#ing together$ 'he artition se arated them as Su&edar Imamdin was a&sor&ed in the ;a#istan +rmy$ 'o #ee his !riend*s memory alive Su&edar 0ehna Singh always !illed two glasses with rum and water and si ed !rom each alternately@ Ahen some&ody as#ed him why he did so, he e3 lained= *'his glass is Imamdin*sI this one is mine$ So I ta#e a si !rom each one on &ehal! o! Imamdin, the other !or mysel!$* Suddenly one evening Su&edar 0ehna Singh was seen with only one glass on his ta&le$ %e was as#ed what had ha ened$ %e re lied, *?ou see, I have given u drin#ing &ut Imamdin has not$ So I have ut away my glass and drin# only on &ehal! o! my !riend$*
Contributed by !r !hanul Ha0 Ha00i, *arachi

CO#ERING $OUR TRAC%"

+n editor once wrote= *1on*t &e sur rised i! you !ind mista#es in this editorial newsletter$ Ae rint something !or everyone$ +nd some eo le are always loo#ing !or mista#es$*
Contributed by ,a'an !hir, Ne !elhi

CAREER 'LANNING HONOURABLE 'OLITIC"(

+ man saw an e ita h in a cemetery which read= *%ere lies an honest man and olitician$* *Shame,* he cried, *two eo le in the same grave@*
Contributed by H.!. Shourie, Ne !elhi

Banto too# her son )hanta to the headmaster and said, +"aster1ee, my )hanta thin#s a&out a lot o! things &ut when it comes to wor#, he does nothing$ Ahat should we do !or his careerB* 'he headmaster re lied, *)et him to a ly !or a "o& in the ;lanning Commission$*
Contributed by J. P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al

HODUNIT(
I hree men a lied !or the "o& o! a detective= Santa !rom India, 2arc )ray&erg, a JewI and 'om Silanti, an Italian$ 'he chie! decided to as# each a licant "ust one ,uestion and &ase his decision u on the answer$ Ahen )ray&erg arrived !or his interview, the chie! as#ed him, *Aho #illed Jesus ChristB* %e answered without hesitation, *'he (omans #illed him$* 'he chie! than#ed him and he le!t$ Ahen Silanti arrived !or his interview, the chie! as#ed him the same ,uestion$ %e re lied, *Jesus was #illed &y the Jews$* 'he chie! than#ed him also and he le!t$ <inally, Santa arrived !or his interview and was as#ed the same ,uestion$ %e thought !or a long time, &e!ore saying, *Could I have some time to thin# a&out itB* 'he chie! said, *O#, &ut get &ac# to me tomorrow$* Ahen Santa arrived home, his wi!e as#ed, *%ow did the interview goB* ;at came the re ly, *)reat, I got the "o&, and I*m already investigating a murder@*
Contributed by Hardi$ *aur Sandhu, !enmark

TONGUE O! SLIP
+n +#ali leader was !ulminating against the Congress$ +ddressing a crowded university meeting, he thundered, *'he Congress allahs are all waters o! the !irst rogue$* 'he audience &urst into laughter over his la se o! tongue$ 'he +#ali leader realised he had made a mista#e$ %e "oined the alms o! his hands to as# !or ardon, ' am very sorry, it is a tongue o! sli $* 'his time the laughter was louder than &e!ore$ 'he gentleman that he was, the +#ali leader was genuinely contrite, *?ou must ardon me$ I am always limiting the cross$*
Contributed by S.2. Patnaik, Cuttack

!AIR E"CHANGE
Ahen I was a youngster,* com lained the !rustrated !ather C"aagar, ' was disci lined &y &eing con!ined to my room and not allowed to lay with !riends$ But my son has his own colour 'H, tele hone, com uter, and C1 layer to #ee himsel! amused$* *So what do you doB* as#ed his !riend$ ' send him to my room@*
Contributed by .tul *amath, *umta

OH GOD!
+ disci le went to his )uru as#ing !or ti s to attain enlightenment$ 'he )uru advised, *'a#e a mala 4rosary7 and go u into the %imalayas and meditate$* 'he disci le went away$ Several months later, the )uru aid him a visit and as#ed, *%ow do you li#e it u here in the snowsB* *Just !ine,* re lied the disci le$ *+nd what a&out the weatherB 1on*t you !reeJeB* *+s long as I have my mala and my chillum 4&owl !ull o! to&acco7, I don*t care how cold it is$* ' am glad to hear it$ Can I also have a chillum !or mysel! right now,* as#ed the )uru, shivering with cold$ *Ahy not@* said the disci le$ *2ala@ Aould you &ring us two chillumsl+
Contributed by .nirban Sen, Ne !elhi

ALI#E OR DEAD
Banta and (am 0ai were wor#ing on a roo!, when Banta sli ed and !ell to the ground$ (am 0ai leaned over and called out= *?ou dead or alive, BantaB* *+live,* moaned Banta$ *?ou*re a liar$ I don*t #now whether to &elieve you or not,* said (am 0ai$ *'hen I must &e dead,* said Banta, *&ecause you wouldn*t dare call me a liar i! I were alive$*
Contributed by Shi&tar Sin'h !al la, 3udhiana.

"'EA%ER #s M'
I wo dogs were discussing their masters$ 'he !irst said, *2y master is the s ea#er o! the %ouse, when I start &ar#ing, he cannot stand it and #ee s saying, " lease, lease, lease $$$" to sto me !rom &ar#ing$* 'he other, &elonging to an 2;, said, *+t least your master is olite$ 2ine is a most devious man$ +!ter a&using everyone in the house he has the audacity to ut a sign&oard on his gate, "Beware o! the dog"
Contributed by T.2. 2ishi, .l ar

HARD TO 'LEA"E
Ahen Balwant Kaur disa roved the girl her son wanted to marry, a !riend told the young man, *?ou must !ind a girl who is li#e your mother$* Several months later, the young man told his !riend, ' !inally !ound a girl who loo#s, tal#s, and acts "ust li#e my mother$* *Congratulations@* said his !riend$ *>ot yet*, said the young man and added, *this time my !ather o&"ected@*

"ARDAR" AGAIN BLOOD$ ONION

%e !or&ade me to eat$ Even onion, a harmless edi&le 'hat has nothing to do with meat$ I wondered why !ather sermonised, *Beware o! onion, touch it not It has a &itter taste, Aith danger it is !raught$* I realised the wisdom o! !ather*s sermon, Ahen election results were out$ Is not onion, the &loody onion, 'hat caused the BJ;*s routB
Contributed by ,.C. -handari, "eerut

2y !ather was a strict vegetarian

Santa and Banta went !ishing$ 'hey caught a lot o! !ish and returned to the shore$ Santa= ' ho e you remem&er the s ot where we caught all these !ish,* Banta= *?es, I mar#ed K on the side o! the &oat to mar# the s ot$* Santa= *?ou idiot@ %ow do we #now we will get the same &oat tomorrowB*

WISH !UL!ILLE D
)od created a mule, and told him, *?ou will &e a mule, wor# constantly !rom dawn to dus#, and carry heavy loads on your &ac# ?ou will eat grass and lac# intelligence ?ou will live !or /9 years$* 'he mule answered, *'o live li#e that !or /9 years will &e too much$ ;lease, 0ord, give me no more than E9 years$ +nd it was so$ 'hen )od created a dog, and told him, *?ou will hold vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will &e his greatest com anion$ ?ou will eat his ta&le scra s and live !or E/ years$* 'he dog res onded, *0ord, to live E/ years as a dog li#e that will &e too much$ ;lease, 0ord, give me no more than -9 years$* +nd it was so$ )od then created a mon#ey, and told him, *?ou will &e a mon#ey$ ?ou will swing !rom tree to tree and act li#e an idiot$ ?ou will &e !unny, and you will live !or E9 years$ 'he mon#ey res onded, *0ord, to live E9 years as the clown o! the world will &e too much$ ;lease, 0ord, give me no more than -9 years$* +nd it was so$ <inally, )od created man and told him, *?ou will &e the only rational &eing that wal#s on the earth ?ou will use your intelligence to have mastery over other creatures o! the world$ ?ou will dominate the earth and live !or E9 years$* 'he man res onded, *0ord, to &e a man !or only E9 years will &e too little$ ;lease, 0ord, give me the :9 years the mule re!used, the -/ years the dog re!used, and the -9 years the mon#ey re!used$* +nd it was so$

Ever since the grant o! that wish man*s li!e goes somewhat li#e this= %e lives the !irst E9 years as a man en"oying himsel! without a worry in the world, then he marries and have children, to su ort them he has to wor# li#e a mule and carry the heavy res onsi&ility 4load7 o! his !amily on his shoulders$ 'his goes on till he is L9$ 'he ne3t -/ years he lives a dog*s li!e guarding his house and eating le!tovers a!ter the children have em tied the antry$ <inally in his old age he lives the last -9 years as a mon#ey, entertaining his grandchildren &y acting li#e an idiot$ +nd so, it has &een ever since$

GRAND!ATHER OR GRANDMOTHER#
C"aagar*s eldest daughter had &een ta#en to the delivery room in a hos ital and he was an3iously waiting outside, when he heard the crying o! a new&orn &a&e$ + !ew minutes later a nurse came out o! the delivery room$ C"aagar rushed u to her and en,uired, *Sister, am I a grand!ather or a grandmotherB* Contributed by S. Parames aran, )S.