GARDEN OF PAIN

By Luis Cuevas Jr.

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 2

Twisted Fantasy

October 31, 2012 I can still feel the loud boom from the shot. It was thunderous, a malevolent sound. It is still vivid, the walls were rusted the paint peeling off slowly from the wall. The notions were fuzzy not all their I couldnt feel anything. I didnt gather it was only a dream. Even if it was only a dream it still felt real. I walk towards the door counting my steps slower than regular with extra precaution. I know there is a man outside I cant see this man or his body, but I can feel a looming threat. Why did I choose to open the door knowing there is a man outside at this time of the nightI dont know, but my fears are never a women, not saying they would be easier to deal with, but maybe more pleasing. I remember watching my body levitates to the door. I know I shouldnt do this every bone in my body tells me not too every feeling in my gut, but I do. That isnt me in real life. I try to smart out situations like this the most I can, but in the dream I continue moving toward this threat. I find myself beginning to unlock the door I dont look behind me, but I can feel my family is watching the television just sitting down not paying attention to me as I unlock the door. The door unlocks as I tug on the handle. Its a nice silver handle a little warm to the touch much warmer than room temperature. This massive house Im in is supposed to be my house or at least my familys house. Ive seen this house once my friend from high school had a similar house. I wonder why this man would intrude into my home he doesnt look, but he feels menacing. The threat begins to feel completely real as I walked up to the man its just him and me at the front of the courtyard no one else just him and me. I looked up to stare at the face of this blank man he aimed his shotgun at me without any warning without no clear reason. Without

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 3 my say in the matter. The surroundings are dark much darker than usual, and than I hear Boom!!!!! The loud sound from his gun blows me back to the real world. Im not dead, but I can still feel the gun shot ring in my ear. Im not dead I should be that was all too real. I can still see myself get blown away by his gunshot as if I was watching a movie. Why am I not dead that ring in my ear was real it was all too real. I hate waking up alone. Im not dead, but I really wish I was things just arent and havent been the same for a long time. This bed is old all out of place in the middle of the room I dont know why I set it up this way it takes me forever to go to sleep. I hate this blanket sometimes I dont know why I sleep with it well at night it gets cold, but in the morning Im always sweating, This is the worst its early 5:30 in the morning. The light is so close yet so far each step is as heavy as in my dream as I walk over in the dark to turn off the light. In a flash of a second all my fears of the dark are illuminated. I just want to lie in bed its super fucking early. What is that weird smell is it me I showered last night. I always shower try my best to look nice incase the girl of my dreams happens to catch me sleeping. Whats that smell I need a shirt I cant go out their in boxers what if someone sees me. Not that black one I might want to wear it another day this one a power rangers shirt from my old days. Much better nothing in the hallway, but those old drunk men here Im thinking Im going to see my first dead body, which has alluded me all this time and Im eighteen years old already. Fuck that weird smell from the hallway Ill just spread febreeze, one-window one bathroom one-sink one-fridge one chair one lock. Just one lock and Im in the city an apartment riddled with aging men who look lost most of the time. Its been about five times that I find them asleep in the hallway completely gone from the drinking of the night before. Never has one shitted himself until now what do these men think their doing. I hate keeping the door open long I close the door quick after sticking my head out into that rotten hallway partly, because I dont want Michael Myers coming in after me. Yeah my rotten hallway thats what I call it my walk through the hall. I also call that my walk of shame this is the best place my dad could find me? Why cry at least I have a place. My dad isnt aware of where I live he gave me money for a place closer to campus, but I purchased a nice camera to catch this New York lifestyle while Im out here. Kind of left me with a few choices either south side

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 4 Jamaica or Brooklyn. I went with Brooklyn hoping its anything like Spike Lees Do The Right Thing instead of the horrendous place all these rappers claim it is. I have only been here for four months, but there is no way Im going to get used to all of this. This is not where Im from Simi Valley nice five room house siblings and both of my parents. Proud parents who have a son in NYU studying to be a stupid ass lawyer I dont want to defend scum I want to film shit I dont want to put a bullet in my mouth working a desk job all my fucking life this is all too much for me. Everyone in the school acts like they arent bad like they dont need to acknowledge the rest of the world everyone worries about finals, sororities shit like that fraternities getting their dick sucked crashing the best parties having something to talk about. I dont let it get to me I spent a lot of time in Los Angeles with my cousin Henry who showed me a life I craved for. Yes the kid from the valley in a gated community craved for gunshots, drunken parents, and child hood pregnancies. Maybe Ive seen to many movies. Movies I love movies I see so many of them it isnt even a weekly thing its normal, its part of me. I analyze them now study them try to put myself into the feet of these character I try to understand them and reason with them the best that I can I try to make myself part of each and every one of them. Favorite director Roman Polanski the mystique about the mans life makes him stand out. I still dont understand Chinatown why the fuck is it that everyone was so mysterious about Chinatown. I hate being still like rotting a way in this bed I got school in three hours how far from here is three hours school is 6 miles from Bed-Stuy to NYU, but I dont have a car I bus it to school. Thats too much thought I think about shit too much at least for today. My conscious probably scratches at the side of my brain trying to break free from one on one moments with myself. I can only wish I had a person to connect with me on December days like these when the sun is gone and its the dark haze that shines filtered light. Its extremely cold in here theirs no type of insolation for sure Im going to catch a fucking disease. My alarm is set for another hour and a half I need music some marvin gaye to put me to sleep. Mother, mother theirs to many of you cryingbeep beep beep. Its that time of the day morning ritual first I pop open the lap top catch some quick porno yes I masturbate, than I clean up, take a shower also known as meditation, eat breakfast, than I catch a movie or at least some of a movie than I get

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 5 the fuck out of here. I have had two girls over one let me fuck the other one said she wanted to get to know me I said sure. We havent talked since. I love the walk through this neighborhood listening to Rap music on my iPod. I feel that something will happen the flash of the white earphones their international, synonymous with iPods or iPhones, which are lucrative if sold well. I dont let it get to me its exciting what I do hate is catching the bus. I have fallen asleep so many times I dont know why my dumbass picked a morning class. I told myself not to, but I always do. Now I have to be in History 272 from 1865 to the modern era fuck that. I dont even feel like going today. These seats are so old its like new york only invests in the metro system once a fucking decade. Hey. Hey. Hey Its that same girl shes beautiful I havent spoken to her. Lucky guy whoever it is shes calling too I look up to see who it is she startles me that Beautiful girl with eyes that sparkle what an amazing wowI think shes talking to me I cant come off as a weirdo I have to tell her something hi is that all I could say. QuentinI hope she was asking my name if She wasnt asking my name Im fucked, but I want to know hers than I got buzzed back to reality. I wasnt asking you what your name is ha-ha I just wanted to know why do you listen to him? 2pac? I just do its actually, because, I usually have so much to say about him, but right now his words speak to me and I happen to be more privileged than others than a lot others and his music helps me find my way through it all helps me find a balance in life. She looks startled and spews He spoke a lot of bullshit I dont think so now this girl has got my attention my brain goes into overdrive he was a kid murdered at 25 when he was rapping he was in his twenties he did hold a lot of animosity, but he was still only a kid when he was murdered towards the end the last days of his did he begin to mature in his music and his views of the world. I guess why did you ask? My brother and his friends talk about him sometimes and I have heard some songs I dont want to talk about rap with her apparently she doesnt know enough I have to change the subject I dont want this conversation to taint her beauty within my eyes Where are you going? Was that to quick to ask her fuck it I watch her lips Im going to work. Its like it completely flew through one ear out the other I whats your name I extend my hand hoping to reach hers she does reach out? Kerry Where do you work I work at the park I am on my way to school, but I kind of

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 6 want to miss today and do something else Im always stuck in school with nothing to do or at home. We just met, but come with me to the park maybe we can find something for you to do Sure yeah Im all up for that cool ha where are you from? why do I speak or sound weird to you? No its just a question New York is pretty big Im not from here Im from California. Im up here going to school. Where do you go to school? NYU. Wow. Major? Film Im a film major film production. That sounds like fun have you shot anything yet? Stuff around the neighborhood here and there nothing concrete or edited or published. I actually want something crazy to happen do you know what I mean catch something on camera that has never been captured before. Thats what everyone with a camera wants to do your not the only one this is my stop you want to go? yeah of course I cant believe she wants me to hang out with her I watch her body I never really have I hate thinking about ass, but as I have gotten older they have grown on me Im still more of a tits guy, but this girl has both of them. A nice ass through those jeans I use my peripherals I cant be obvious thank steve carell. The sun shines bright against her face I speak, but I dont know what it is I am telling her. How long have you worked at the park? About a month any school yeah NYU foreal whats your major? Pre Law ha whats so funny nothing Im sorry I saw a man almost slip down the street, which I found really didnt find funny. It was ironic I was asked to be a pre-law major, but maybe if I take my parents a lawyer they wont be as mad at me. The sky is pale a dark pale, which is weird to say, but its so dark and hazy its pale and its just the right type of day for a companion. You want to pass by and pick something up to go? Yeah I would like that I loved connecting with Kerry her thoughts were politically correct, but she still didnt hesitate to elaborate and move within the box like she was putting on a show, but trying her best not to step out of this box on the other hand I was everywhere spitting radical thoughts and ideas that dwell very deep in me. I love being myself especially around a complete stranger. Theirs nothing like a first impression and mines are usually all over the place they used to be much more concealed. Im like wine to people I only get better with time unless they do something stupid to me than I dont want to be around them. Kerry seems to be coming off really cool and like the mind of any other young man and the topic of women Im trying to have sex with this

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 7 women and maybe more than once. We were a block from where her job was and down the street it looked like a circus was going on it was at least six patrol cars four news vans and a gathering of at least 100 people I did not understand what was going on. We sifted through crowd and beyond the yellow tape through the screams of people chanting rotten pigs rotten pigs the chants were only getting louder and didnt look to stop there was a women and a man dead right beside a young a real young boy. The boy looked no older than about five years old. This is not what I wanted I felt sick to my stomach like what the fuck was going on I look over at Kerry and she has a horrified look on her face. They are right between the street and the edge of the park blood all around them. As I looked around the crowd I could see anger and frustration in the eyes of the people it was unlike anything I had ever seen. I look to find Kerry I look at her and signal her that we should go she says that she has her job to get to. Thats when we heard the first gun shot it sounded just like the gun shot in my dream I felt my body to see if I was still alive and sure enough there I was in the middle of the street staring at Kerry. I grab a hold of her hand, but before I do I am able to see a group of men in all black shoot at the patrol cars killing most of the cops in the surrounding area. One of the men in all black yells kill these pigs chaos breaks out. I grabbed Kerry everything fading as if I was looking through the lens of my camera and now I was back in the real world everything just as fuzzy as looking through a blurred lens. I was making sure I didnt lose grip of her as we made our way into a store. It was an antique store and we knew any minute at least I did that the looting will begin it was only a matter of time before all hell breaks loose and once a human looses control there is no way it can be tamed. Modern society and technology have done their best to tame the animal that is man, but when the blood spills it wont want to ever stop. In my mind Im trying to cross what just happened with where the fuck it is I am hoping I dont get it misconstrued. Kerry panting at the top of her lungs the sweat all over her arouses me, but I see her begin to speak fuck do you know what happened that poor boy the cops must have killed him thats why everyone was yelling at them, but those men she I see as she starts to cry so beautiful she is they killed all those cops. Why? I am everywhere how the fuck am I supposed to control a women I yell Its fine Kerry we just have to remain inside until more cops arrive and get this

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 8 sorted everything is going to be just fine. I should have gone to school. Thats the only phrase I kept thinking about how many times has trying to get pussy got man in trouble in the history of humans. Kerrys presence keeps me sane. If I was by myself I would have probably been killed or crying myself. During this time there is no other way I have to be strong. I can hear the gunshots ring loud through out the street loud and hard and they kept on ringing looking through the blinds innocent people were riddled along the street. Lets go lets go what do you mean lets go we cant go back out there another loud gunshot this one came through the glass storefront. I put my hands around Kerry grab her and run towards the back quick thinking doesnt work. This takes much longer than it does in the movies where is out escape route where is it. A curtain I pull it back yes some sort of secret staircase, which isnt really secret, but thats what I tell myself. I watch Kerry run up the stairs I look the door and move boxes in front of it fuck those crazy people. I turned every lock as if I was being followed by my worst nightmare. I forgot about Kerry for about ten seconds. I look at the door I take a sit on the stairs. I can feel these tears spill from my eyes Im afraid. I dont know when was the last time I had been as afraid and in fear for my life than how I feel at this moment I stand I look up the stairs expecting to see Kerry their laughing at my tears, but instead she runs down the stairs and hugs me. I watch her as she whispers there is no one up here I watch Kerry turn the television on. The news must be covering this disaster they have to be airing this they have to be come here sit next to me everythings going to be ok. They both stare in awe at the news not one channel was covering anything about this. What the fuck I thought to myself I peaked outside the window and there was about a dozen cops in the street shooting at innocent people. I watch a women run out of the liquor store with a young girl in her arms Im betting its her daughter in her arms a bullet rings hits the young girl throwing her off her arms. I cant believe what I am staring at the women holds her daughter screaming with such pain the group of cops approaches and executes the woman. Why is this not on the news. What the fuck is happening why isnt this on the new. I turn around trying to make sure Kerry doesnt notice me looking outside I feel extremely drowsy I almost fall I look at Kerry and tell her I have no idea whats happening and that we have to relax. Im going to call the

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 9 cops ok I call the cops and I hear the operator and I tell her everything that has happened the operator tells me to notify her of were Im exactly at thats when I hold my breath hello sir where are you so we can send reinforcements sir I need to know where you are. I looked over at Kerry and told her that we had to leave, because if those are cops out in the street and I just called 911 they will be here in no time. I saw her face her non-verbal expressions were the ones of fear. Of no more not wanting to continue I swear I thought the words that were going to come out of her mouth were going to be no I wont continue to run yeah I understand lets go I was surprised and at the same time mad, because deep inside I didnt want to continue running I wanted all this to just stop and I wake up in my bed with or without Kerry with or withas were making our way out the window the door is kicked open I cant see it, but I hear the door slam open followed by heavy foot steps. They walk slowly towards the back me and Kerry hide under the bed watching their every move hoping to god they dont look at our direction. The both of them take off their masks and put down their guns. I have never seen such weapons of devastation so close up. I hate it I hate them for what they did to that poor girl and her mother. I wish I could get up and grab those guns and shoot them in the face. I watch as one of the men black hair about six feet tall light black skin and brown eyes from those brown eyes tears start to stroll from his face he cant believe what is going one what the fuck mark I didnt sign up for this shit man Im not that kind of fucking person man each one them is killing innocent people with no hesitation man its like they knew and shit why the fuck didnt they give us the option to choose before they made us kill all these people. Mark says I dont know man I feel as fucked up about this shit as you do bro I couldnt kill anyone of those people I understood the first few, but when our sergeant ordered to exterminate the whole neighborhood and start shooting innocent people it got out of control I say we relax air shit out analyze what the fuck just happened and wait until its all over than we will meet back up with our squad and Randy says are you fucking crazy sit here as they finish off this whole neighborhood they dont want any of that shit getting out our sergeant killed a whole fucking family including their baby man shit would be so horrible for the NYPD thats why they closed off this block man they know what the fuck they are doing. I cant let this shit happen I

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 10 cant. Mark says yeah I understand. I look over at Kerry and shes coming out from under the table we can help you both at the same time raise their weapon and take aim right at her mark says who are you what are you doing here? I watch as mark begins to load his gun and cocks it aims it up. This has to be the slowest my life has ever gone as I watch this man raise his weapon to attempt to shoot and kill this girl, which I have tried so hard to protect. I get up I dont know where the fuck this coming from this girl may just be that beautiful I jump up and move Kerry and myself out of the way into the kitchen. We listen and wait for them to come around, but after the shots go off its a lot of struggle we can hear them. Mark says I have to do it and if you dont let me it will be you to Randy says I cant let you do it the commotion begins I peak my head and I see mark throw a right punch at randy, but he pulls out a knife and swings it at mark stabbing him through his left cheek pulls the knife out and stabs him again, but this time in the cranium as I watch mark fall to his knees. Randy turns around and looks at me grabs his gun and says get the girl grab the gun and lets find a way out. Everything is moving slowly I turn around and look at Kerry and shes crying non stop shaking on the ground I look back up at randy and his lips are moving all I can hear through all the blur lets go grab the girl and lets move The door creaks open downstairs and than I hear the foot steps all over again I look over at randy Get down both of you get on the floor cover yourselves with blood and here take the knife hold it I have a plan The motion the oh so soft motion through it all I still look to maintain eye contact with Kerry shes their looking at me and out bodies covered in this cops blood Im just thinking this is it were dead I have never felt so bad in my life. Randy says close your eyes, both of you. I look at Kerry one last time. Its going to be the last time I see her beautiful face her eyes are closed, but tears are flowing out of her eye sockets. I have one last thing to tell her be brave. Randy walks out the door and starts crying in the stairs the other cops walk up the stairs in gear about five of them. I can hear one of the men say, what happened Randall? Randall control yourself put your mask back on head on downstairs randall says they killed him they killed him I hear the hinges creek as the door is pushed open one of the man radios officer Castro down also two kids The six men all standing over our bodies I hear another set of feet approach the door I raise my eyebrows and just

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 11 wait for my imminent death I hear one of them say he moved I hear commotion and than the bullets ring out for about ten seconds the longest ever and this all still feels the same death feels the same I open my eyes my ears ringing I get pulled up to my feet by randy who points towards the ceiling that he wants us to escape through the ceiling I look over at Kerry and her face is stuck with a shocked look none I have ever seen before a look that I have never seen expressed by someone a look of true horror that no actress could imitate in a movie. We head up the rusted stairs onto the ceiling I ask randy if they have air support and he says that they shouldnt because this is something that is trying to be kept under wraps we all head down the side stairs of an apartment building he looks at both me and Kerry in the eyes and says that were almost at the exit and that everything is going to be fine I look behind us and group of cops is walking behind us I look over at randy he hits me with the butt of his rifle and walks into a shop and closes the door behind him I look at Kerry and she grabs me and says no need to panic now Quentin everything is going to be ok were going to be ok she grabs my hand and Im trembling Im shaking we walk up the center and she kisses me the most intense and beautiful feeling I have ever felt I watch as the sky changes from dark hazy to red and than I hear the shots. Fuck fuck fuck fuck I jump out of bed like never before I cant believe that was a dream I cant believe that was a dream. Pitch Black October 31, 2012 Im in awe I cant believe I was sleeping my shirt all sweaty my head filled with sweat I have never been so happy to be alive. The dreams felt so real it had to be real the girl so beautiful. The girl I have seen before she volunteers at a movie store I always go to. I have never even seen anybody else that was in my dream before my mind how complex it builds around my thoughts to imprison me into my made up reality now I can understand why it is that inception was such a fucking hit, because dreams are no fucking joke. Im pretty sure this dream was a coup against me I was under attack by my own subconscious. I have never been so afraid yet I am alone I

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 12 continue to be all-alone. Just me, just me all by myself in the center of new york four in the morning a young boy who just recently cracked into an adult having only been 18 for 11 months I have lived more of my life under the age so I have yet to deal with these problems. Of me in a pitch black room with no noise other than the growls of the inner city. Maybe I do wish the dream were real that way I would have died with someone by my side not all alone. I cant stand being alone in the dark too long with just my thoughts they are poison taking over my every thought they are true venom to me. Im afraid to move in the dark everything is more still I can go for weeks maybe even months without having to sleep with a light on, but noise is certain I need noise to sleep or else I cant I couldnt possibly attempt it. I get up slowly you know all those places where someone doesnt look in the movie where the killer might be or some kind of ghost might be I know I shouldnt look that way, but I cant control myself I always do it. I walk over, but I do it in quick strides, but I certainly have my defense up thats something I cant do without I would feel stupid if someone attacked me and caught me completely off guard. I turn on the light and wishing there was something in the corner that I always stare at to make sure there is nothing standing their just watching me through out the night. I turn on the television re runs of sons of anarchy I love this fucking show. I think its Charlie the dude on Pacific Rim with Idris coming out sometime next year I love knowing weird shit about movies and actors. What a great show this sure takes my mind off of the darkness I just went through. I turn on all the other lights in sight. I look through my drawers searching for something to put on. Another boxer a clean one or maybe I shouldnt I have to shower anyways I just throw on some shorts and a shirt I dont have class for another five hours Im not going change into that right away. All that stiff clothes I have to wear to school trying to impress with my subconscious, because I honestly much rather show up to school with my dick out maybe that way all those girls would appreciate a young man like me. I do let my thoughts make jokes for me this way I keep myself entertained when not everything is at its best. I walk into the bathroom and I take a piss I wash my face I and I gargle some mouthwash you know just in case some random hot girl comes to my house at five in the morning. I go back to the couch and I flip through channels. Fucking television I dont find myself any less

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 13 entertained by anything else. I open my laptop and I start listening to some music I personally have not been able to stop listening to this album I know its been a little over a week since its release, but the hype on Kendrick was worth it this kid did what me and James have been wanting to do for so long just have not been able to. I hate being awake and getting lazy when I know I have something to do especially when its so close I know I have to take a shower. I dont want to, but I fucking have to. I leave the television on along with the music playing and all the lights on and I hop into the shower, which is my moment of mediation where I regain myself, apply what I know and try to reschedule. This and the moment before I fall asleep are my only time for meditation, which isnt necessarily the meditation of sitting on the floor and fucking humming mine is much more modern. The magnificent shower is also where I can masturbate. At least I do something fun instead of only worrying about my problems. That dream got my schedule right at least my dream was able to capture the essence of me the best that it possibly could, which scares the shit out of me. The actual routine in the shower is deep thought at first and than the leisure is after so my huge head is able to be cleared my mind constantly making dirty plays on words. I walk out the shower and sit by my moms picture the only reason why I do anything anymore her and my baby sister. She Isnt much of a baby at nine years old, but their why Im out here living in the Burroughs of new york trying to make everything work just fine trying to make our life and money connect. The reason to why I got a 4.0 in high school and told her that I would move her and my sister out of los Angeles the first chance I get and that I will visit them every time school is off. My mother gives me, and my sister gives me determination. I dont want to be like my father pushing drugs and living for the block what the fuck is that going to get me. I loved the guy he was my father, but I didnt admire how he took care of my mother and his children. Its been 7 long years since hes been gone and I was old enough to remember every feeling that ran through my body that Saturday night. I remember it like a kaleidoscope like I was just looking at this scene the phone ringing and my mom on her knees and hands rolling hysterically crying on the floor and thats when I connected everything. I wish she had controlled her self better maybe that way she would have been able to control me. I ran up into my dads room

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 14 and pulled out one of his guns. I remember my dad always saying Im going to get these guys Im going to get these guys. That night I went after those guys. At least that was my intention it took me forever to finally get the gun out. I remember it was in a steel box. I looked through about twenty boxes before finally finding it. I remember holding the gun in my hand I had too hold it with my whole arm. I remember stepping out into the hot sun feeling like I had a mission to do I have a goal on my mind. I walked about four feet before I felt my mom grab me, and the gun falling out of my hands. Thats all I can remember about that day. I dont know if the gun went off when it hit the ground, because in my memories it never gets there. Thats why I do the best I can now, because my dad did the best he could for his own situation. My mom collected some money from some of my dads friends and moved us farther north around Lincoln Park, but things were never the same. I felt hardened by that, but at the same time betrayed by this feeling. It betrayed my family it never helped us out of anything. I do remember that sometimes I would wake up to use the restroom and I would see my mom sitting on the ledge of the balcony listening to this Walkman my dad had got me. I saw her beautiful I never saw her in danger of falling I saw her calm I saw her as my mother and I saw her from the pitch black. Cold Steel October 31, 2012 The slow rust of cold steel. Tie you up cut you up slowly watch your skin peel. Heightened fear struggle to get loose like a swimming eel. Hold you back show you pictures of your family through a broken reel. Its a fact fuck with us and get dropped off and become a sharks meal. ha everyone in the room laughs I dont care much for the gangster shit my brother likes rapping about. Not necessarily gangster shit, but ego out cut you up type of shit. I dont like that I tell him about what he says I worry too much ok. Fuck him he doesnt want to listen to me. I pull him aside while everyone is still buzzing over what he said I tell him to relax with that shit I know he is only 19 years old, but we matured much quicker. We

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 15 have something to say is what I dig into him we arent living the path that was given to us. Even if we have only had ourselves for much of our life he doesnt listen to me all the way or maybe he hates too. I constantly tell him that I didnt get into rap to brag or talk about shit that can kill, because we have been through that we experienced it first hand we dont want kids going back to that we dont want mothers to continue crying over blood shed stupid blood shed. I lay off him a little so he can think about what I said. He doesnt say anything I want to hear. Instead he says James why the fuck do you have to be like that man were just having a good time. I watch his lips move I just want to hit him in his lousy fucking mouth for saying something stupid like that I raise my finger at him and turn to walk out of the room. He can stay with those retards one of those dudes said he could set up a deal for us, all four of us. I dont know many people that keep their promises at least not to me I havent met many. When we were young I think I was seven Im not exactly sure I was young Anthony was younger. I remember we used to wake up early to watch cartoons I guess my dad didnt know exactly how early we used to wake up. Garfield used to air at six in the morning. Everything outside was still dark the perfect vibe nothing was much better. I remember we were watching the show and my dad passed by rather quickly he was fully dressed at six in the morning it was a Saturday I knew the guy didnt work on a fucking Saturday. I saw him walk up to us pat my brother in the head he looked at us looked up at the television the last word I heard him say Garfield than he laughed took a quick look over at me smiled got up and walk away. I remember just staring at him walk away from us and I remember thinking for some reason that was going to be the last time I saw him I felt angry. I kind of ran after him I opened the front door and I attempted to run down the stairs, but I just got so far and didnt care. I cant believe I knew than I still know now. I will never care about him; forgive theirs no need to he just left I could care less. Maybe if the two people who should have kept their promises actually kept them I wouldnt have such a hollow heart that I only share with my stupid ass brother. I look at the buttons on the elevator as I go down Im not going to go far I want to get something to eat while he pitches to those retards I dont want to fuck with them and now they wont I know most them are mad I walked out and they could really give a fuck about what my brother is telling

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 16 them right now. I head out the building I look around I love looking security guards in the eye, because they think your stealing shit or your up to no good. Especially when you look around my skin isnt white so Im a moving target inside a place like this I fucking hate these prejudice fucks in orientation when they teach them something they should just tell them suspicious is anyone that isnt fucking white. I walk out the door I hold the door for two ladies they smile at me I smile back and continue to walk outside. Its a nice day nicer than a lot I feel my pocket vibrate. I look down and I have a text from Quentin Film today? I dont know if I want to especially today seeing as I was looking forward to the meeting, but the dudes were straight bitches all of them none of them dudes were cool. I look through my phone and I see that little red telephone an international symbol for missed call its from Anthony. I head down the street to this diner I have been their a couple times recently I would go their and stare at that building, because I knew they took care of a lot of rappers, but I didnt know you had to be extremely lame. I call him back the phone rings I find it as a task to talk on the phone walk and make sure I dont kill myself walking into something. He answers Yo why the fuck did you walk out they were serious about us the dudes were lame as fuck though thats why you walked out right? I reply yes Fuck it we dont need that especially dudes that wouldnt be family or understand ours. Hey where are you. The diners across the street Alright youre buying? yeah hurry. I dont want to walk to the light its all the ways down their. I look down the street I walk into the street and I jog across. I open the door I smile at the waitress I see her every time Im here I wonder what she does I sometimes judge people too and automatically feel they are stuck in a certain situation maybe shes in school to and shes got the job. I look outside I can see my brother look down the block and hes about to do same thing I just did are we that much alike. I watch him walk across the street I guess Im faster to get out of trouble than him. He walks in he smiles at the lady and he looks at me just laughs. Youre an asshole dude I was about to walk out on them I didnt want to hear it anymore man they were saying some crazy shit about what they wanted from us right. Than when you walked out one of the dudes sighed like aw shit we just lost these dudes ha. I stayed a little longer I just made shit extremely awkward man than I just walked out fuck them dudes.

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 17 A bunch of fucking pricks huh. I laugh yeah man we need something more about us. The waitress comes over and asks us what we want my brother answers Two cheeseburgers with bacon and seasoned fries side of ranch and milkshakes please. She looks over at me and now you we all laugh. She walks away than Anthony says Dont you ever feel like this is all they have like foreal shes young working here it just gets me man. I stare out the window I put my hand up against the window sill and its cold I lay my forearm up against the cold steel and I just stare at my brother as he continues to talk. Hardly Untouchable October 31, 2012 Ghouls, Ghosts, and, Graveyards no its Guns, Gangs, and Groupies. I dont know, which one to believe is correct anymore. Especially with these dudes last Halloween shit was frustrating man fucking Anthony messing with some stupid girl. I cant remember her name, but she was giving him oral sex in the middle of a parking lot. I remember everyone was tripping. The Asian man that owns the church came out screaming, because apparently his daughter had seen. I dont remember much about it other than that it was funny. Apparently the boyfriend came around later that day with a gun shooting into the near by club. I think he hit someone and is doing twenty for that. Fuck going out every night with these guys and not knowing if you will come back its the worst. I walk out of the door and I look around me before I lock the door. I always do call me fucking weird, but thats me. Im that type of guy who always makes sure theirs nothing there. I put the key into the key slot and I turn it to the left. I put them away and I walk down the hall theirs a family the only family that lives in this place everyone else is young or single working person. This isnt the kind of place one would want to raise a family in my honest opinion. I mean Im a city kid I never want to leave the city maybe thats also a too many movies side effect. I have to many of those moments in my life I dont do shit right, because of movies. I live on the second floor apartment 23 I dont know why I picked it was either this one or apartment 6, which is really the first apartment. I wasnt having that I dont fuck with

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 18 quick entrances. I like being safe and I hope 23 down the hall on the second floor is safe enough the emergency stairs can only be open with our keys, which makes shit a lot safer. Theirs an elevator in this building, but it looks like it was built the first time elevators came around and no one ever looked to fix it. I never use it its small it smells and it looks like a fucking rope is holding it. The front door is a glass door I dont know how they manage to pay for a nice looking front door, but couldnt get a good looking interior its a marketing scheme thats what everything seems to be now. I dont know if I should go get something to eat or some snacks I do have the Clipper game to watch. They open today against Memphis who I expect to do good too. Now that David Stern is set to retire we might get some real basketball out of these guys, which I cant wait for. I guess I do want chips and a fucking nice cold soda or an Arizona I dont know, which its going to be. Decide when I get there, but that guy hates it when I look at shit for extra long its kind of funny. I walk in and I head over to the drink section I look at them. I wish they were free I would just keep them in my fucking apartment I wouldnt want to deal with the liquor store guy anymore. An Arizona does sound really good, but so does the Cactus Cooler I dont know my head is fighting within itself and if I win I end up taking the two or leaving empty handed. Fuck it I open the sliding door its one of those old ones they dont slide as well as you would think they would. I grab them both I can do that I have money like that. I grab a bag of sun chips the green ones and I grab a lunchables. This is my lunch my mom would be ashamed I laugh and I shake my head. I walk up to Jay I doubt thats his name hes Korean thats what everyone knows him as hes always gossiping. I wonder how much money he makes no one in this neighborhood runs their shit clean I wouldnt think so I wouldnt be able to think so especially this guy he sells liquor to all of us doesnt care about identification greedy prick. I look at him and smile he tells me to have a good day and continues to watch his ball game. I hate baseball I dont know why I have never thought it to be a real sport along with all the other ones except boxing and basketball those are the only two sports I can respect. I walk out I head down the street back to my house and a car passes very close next to me and it just keeps going I hate this shit Im not a bitch, but I am not a fan of problems that are unnecessary. I dont want to stare at the dudes maybe they shoot me if I dont stare at them. I look over

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 19 and my heart settles its Anthony. I stare at him like what the fuck he looks at me and tells me to get in the fucking car. I get into the car Anthony is about a year older than me hes nineteen years old. James his brother the one of the two I met first I learn a lot from. James isnt that much older than me about two years my senior hes twenty he has his head in the right place I think it over when I hang out with Anthony. I mean the first time we went out together he got me laid, but that doesnt mean he can drag me out whenever he feels he needs to have me around. I hate it when he has a plan and it certainly looks like he has a plan, because he hasnt asked me where I want to go. Hes laughing a determined look on him I ask him where James is at he doesnt reply all he says is that he wanted to stay in and see the game or something. I wanted to stay in and do the exact same thing he interrupts my train of though Theres some masks you know the ones those clowns wore in the beginning of the batman movie I got four, but Rob went out with his sister and well James is being a queer its only me and you bro. Oh and theirs bats in the trunk too. I stare at him like what the fuck are we going to do he doesnt respond to my stare he just says that they deserve it they deserve it Quentin. I have a blank stare as we continue going up towards the nicer part of town I kind of know what the fuck hes going to do. I havent been able to appreciate him I dont know if this will help his cause much more. I watch as he pulls up to a party I dont know whats about to happen, but fuck it. Anthony parks the car about four blocks from a party we just passed by, which is where were going most likely. Anthony throws me the mask he gives me a bat. I walk away towards the party and he tells me to stay inside the car. He starts walking down the street Im like fuck that I dont want to have this dudes blood on my hands. I can see him kind of disappear I hurry up I can see him a lot clearer now his head turning to look at the pretty girls gathered outside of this party. I dont think they are our age they appear to be much older. He walks in he grabs a man dressed as Michael Myers and tells him something. All I can make out is Greed can easily kill a man, but depriving one of opportunity can... He pulls the bat out and swings at his abdomen. Two come at him I have to step in I put down the bat Im not trying to kill anyone I leave it by the bushes just incase I have to get it. I turn and run toward them I hit the biggest one and Anthony is swinging the bat like hes blind, but catching not one person in the face on purpose. I

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 20 dont care Im swinging my fists we turn and run when we hear someone screaming about the police. I can react really fast when I need to right now I need to right now I can feel them gaining on me. Anthony stops and swings and hits one I get to the bat I swing at the legs of two guys dropping them I left the key in the car I get into the car and Quentin gets into the back seat. I am not the most skilled driver, but I can certainly get around at least when I need to especially in the street I dont find the need in driving around. I pull into a main street I am sure the cops noticed us the streets are dark and narrow up their so they must have seen us. At least the make of the car. Turn after turn I need to make a quick stop. I get out of the car I can hear Anthony screaming at me I grab all the masks and put them in a trashcan in an alley. I grab the three extra bats and I throw them into someones backyard. It has been about five minutes since our fucking show. I walk back to the car I take off my gloves Anthony is just staring at me like what the fuck. I dont understand him Im fucking mad at him for this shit. He goes to speak I stare at him and all I say is not right now I hope he understands. I walk back into the driver seat I just want to get back to my house. I pull up to the intersection I make a right I can see the cops in the rearview I speed up a little I head up the block. I pause at the intersection I watch as the cops pull up to us and I start mouthing the words to a song and I hit the steering wheel a little to play it off. I never look at them why would I notice any other driver if I acknowledge them it would be like I was looking out for them. I count the seconds until they notice its us its only a matter of time thats what I believe everything is about a matter of time. I look at the people as they cross the street. Time is going extra slow I wish they would hurry I wish I wouldnt have to go through such harrowing wait its the fucking worst. I watch the light go from yellow to red in all that time. The minute long wait will be excruciating Anthony just continues to laugh I guess he can tell Im fucking tripping, but why is he laughing their going to think that hes on drugs if they look over at us. I watch the red light a horrible fucking red light with a long fucking lag. I watch the light we still havent been told anything we havent been stopped it feels like an hour a long hour one of those at the end of a Friday in high school I watch the light, as it wants to turn, but it hasnt turned yet. I dont know what the fuck to do I sit back and relax I feel like Ive been to stiff and for too long I

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 21 dont know what it is I just dont care anymore as the light fades from red to bright green. Malnourished Existence November 10, 2012 I stare blankly out into the dark. I havent got up to work out in such a long fucking time. I work out slowly it just hurts at first it always does. The struggle of trying to run up, down and back around. I feel everything when I run it hurts when Im done I can barely breath my throat is hoarse Im aching, but I dont give a fuck. I do it only when I feel I want to. I stare up at the blank top of the hill and I cant notice if I can even make it to the top. I think about my mom I think about my mom a lot and I dont know why I think about my sister sometimes, but not as much as I think about the girl who broke my heart in high school. I look around me the same hill I walk up when I go to school now Im running up it the same exact movement just quicker and it hurts so much. I can feel the steps, but it is taking forever for me to get to the top I dont know why, but this is how long everything seems to take now. I stop to catch my breath Im going to walk the rest of the way fuck this. A girl who I can see from the top of the hill shes coming pretty quick she doesnt seem to be struggling like I was. Within seconds shes by me she looks at me and makes a remark I cant remember if its Tired Already or mm all sweaty. Im pretty sure it was the latter, but do I need a womens company. I watch her race a way something that always gets me about women is their hair this girl had wonderful brown red hair I didnt get a great look at her, but the one I did get has me wanting to run after her, but Im fucking tired. I dont want to make it mandatory for me to run Im going to feel like this is Physical Education I fucking hated being graded on our runs that shit was the worst practical torture. The girl was pretty, but for some reason since that girl from high school shit just hasnt been the same she used to make my days. If I happened to be tired at the beginning of the week just seeing her would make everything feel so much better. It hurts that nothing happened her face was my therapy in such a horrible time such a dark time for me. I head back to my place I dont know why I dont have not one call I missed school today my mom hasnt

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 22 called me nothing from my sister or anyone I know other than Facebook. Facebook friends are good for confidence improvement or self esteem adjustment they are more like showing off the people you say hi too, because I personally know so many of them. I stare back in through the glass door and I see myself as a nineteen year old I havent changed much I guess I never do when I mean to or I want to I just grow in age, but I still happen to look the fucking same. An eighteen-year-old yesterday and a day later a whole year has gone by. I can definitely try to see the difference between last year, and now. It would be too much to try and take it all apart. I head up the stairs after working our every step is much bigger and heavier than the next it just happens. I walk over to my door I open the door I take off my sweater throw it on the floor I put on the Man With Iron Fists soundtrack as I walk continue stripping my clothes off and I head away to my place of deep thought. I look down at my phone I have missed calls it is my birthday after all and its my mom a call from James texts from Anthony and Robert. I have someone to call the other line answers what a beautiful voice she tells me about school she wishes me happy birthday. I can hear her scream to my mom to talk to me. I know shes going to say she wants me home. I always have to remind her that its only about two more years. That she can have me all to herself I wonder if all mothers are like that I guess they arent. My mom and I dont talk long, but we know the love is mutual all the time and forever. I cry a lot thinking about kids like James or Anthony who didnt have that who were abandoned left by the two people who should be the last to leave. The pilots to their plane Im they have made it so far on their own. I walk into the shower I dont want to do anything today Im just going to chill and watch movies that sounds much better to me than any type of schemes Anthony may be thinking about. I know Im 19 years old now, and I hate it a lot I loved being 18 years old for some reason. I loved it I loved time being on my side, but I guess time is the only thing that isnt on my side or on any bodies side. Ghetto Transit November 16, 2012

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 23 The bus seems to take longer and longer. Im just used to it now after all this time why wouldnt I be used to the graffiti scenery rusted park benches the stench of the homeless the million gum stains on the pavement. I am used to it Im used to it all. Im used to the people in the neighborhood their used to me no one fucks with me, because they see Im a chill kid. I respect they respect I get a pass and no one touches me. Ive lived here for about a year I was out here by myself at 17 and they respect that. One time some dudes down the street did try to punk me, but they didnt scare me I never flinched as they got all around me. I just wanted it all to be over, but they werent going to take my shit without taking my life thats all I had to say to them. Than they asked me where I lived and I said that apartment building and they said they lived theyre to and since I have been extremely cool with them. I hang out with them when Im feeling too alone. I actually wish they were here at this moment, because this bus ride is a true and tragic pain. Just like the shower the bus is reflection to, but with the eyes open and the experience of first class unequal society all around you. The bus doesnt discriminate from the man pissing his pants to the man in the suit whos riding the bus for the first time and is scared as shit. It gets here on time I greet the man at the front just like I always do I keep a friendly smile on my face as I make my way to a seat. I try to start a conversation with the a girl I saw when I was running the other day, but she just keeps texting on her phone whats so important about that type of communication when Im willing to communicate with her now. Im willing to smile for her instead of a fucking smiley text. I laugh, which does catch her attention and than she asks me whats so funny and I ignore her and put on my headphones. She laughs about it too and just points her finger at me. I leave it that I leave a lot at just that something I dont like doing its just that sometimes I dont feel up for the chase so I just leave it that. I get off the bus at my stop and there she is Im a romantic guy and if we meet one more time I might just have to speak to her. Shes beautiful not of resemblance to the girl in my dream, but she exhibits her selfsimilar to the girl in my dream. Looking back to my dream it feels extremely fuzzy Im not sure if the girl had green or blue eyes. I walk onto campus and it just doesnt agree with me. I just want my degree and Im out Im using you, but after all this scholarship money I feel like you may be the one that wants to use me. The walk

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 24 is the same I have my cinema and aesthetics class today no one in the class seems to know anything about cinema and even less about what is pleasing to ones eyes. I always get to class about an hour earlier I think its, because I love being able to know all that has happened and I keep my self from experiencing any type of insecurity or something similar to culture shock this usually happens the first couple of times we meet after that I could give a fuck. I still find myself an hour early to class sometimes even earlier than that I dont know why I do that. I hurry up after class there is pretty girls in class, but I dont what happens to me sometimes I dont want any part of it. Freshmen year was a lot of fucking up especially the second semester I did so fucking bad I hate myself for that shit. That wasnt me with all these aspirations I have I dont know why I did that to myself. I wait outside James class he only has one semester left he studied sociology dealing with criminals and shit. Im super happy for the guy he doesnt have a girl either. Other than Robert and Anthony who love to do stupid shit we are all on our path to the shit we have always wanted to do. Robert is my age were both in our sophomore years of college Anthony goes to school to, but he goes to an art school nearby, but he spends a lot of time in the streets getting into shit. I hate having to come to school on the bus, but I do get the ride back from James his classes are later so he doesnt bring me, but we go back together. We always have deep conversations inside his car the last one was about what do we do if what we want doesnt happen for us that there is a nightmare at least our nightmare being stuck in ghetto transit.

James Idea December 2, 2012 Music is one of two things I will always love. There is always room for a third, but it would be more than difficult to try and become that third person in my life. Either Im dying or I just gave up on everything around me. I doubt my views on women will ever change none of these girls I have been with ever strive to keep their dignity or keep me from having sex with them after a couple

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 25 times we have hanged out. I dont know if their all like that, but thats how I have, sadly had them and for too long of a fucking time have they been the same with the same attitudes same apparel same expectations same moans same motions none has ever accomplished to astonish or even remotely surprised me. Even if its not them and its me with the problem I blame it solely on my mother. I dont call her a bitch when I reference her only, because my brother has a different view of her thinks she left, because she had too she wasnt going to be able to take care of us. I call bullshit our dad had already left us what did she think she was leaving us with happiness, because she decided to leave to leave us at such a young age still. I cant forgive her no matter what her possible reason can be there is no reason plausible enough or reasonable enough for me to accept her leaving us maybe I dont care much about myself, but my brother the kid it hurts I had to raise him as I grew up we grew up together out here sometimes I look at him and I just think to myself how is he. I know Anthony hides a lot, because he didnt he would be a fragile kid growing up alone only him and me. There was no room for errors there was hardly any room to cry or ask why this is happening to us we had to keep on our toes no matter what was the situation. We had to we had to be better than the people we met we had to keep are heads up high no matter how many times we got hit. I feel Anthony doesnt want to agree with me as much. I know Quentin is two years younger than me, but he is in school doing his thing when it comes to films and producing beats for us. I know my brother is a good rapper a lot of people say hes better than me I applaud him for that I am more of a story teller. I have seen Anthony get in the mode and he can do some beautiful things once hes on it. I just wish he would do it a lot more. Robert is our money he has money hes going to Columbia I dont know how it is Anthony met him, but they have been best friends for a while now. Together we can do a lot thats what I try to dig into each and every one of them whenever we meet. They look at me with their own looks all of them thinking differently within them I dont know what to do about them it all sucks when I talk to them. Quentin stands up and starts talking about how everyone has to know who the film crew is. I love the energy he spews he speaks logic, but hes younger sometimes Robert and Anthony just laugh.

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 26 Violet Wounds December 3, 2012 Fully equipped two cameras one about a year old, which I bought with my first financial aid check and the one that I just got today. Were all young were all ready. James and Anthony own this Honda together. Its nothing luxurious, but it gets us around just fine. Were headed to a club where James and Anthony are going to rap battle against some random rappers. I know James and Anthony are going to win, because their lyrics are impeccable. James always burns the other dude with logic and Anthony theirs something about him that people just like. Theyre both at least six feet James is skinnier, but always has a full beard or some type of facial hair. James is darker than Anthony. Anthony has very light skin and he has green eyes. Hes a lot bulkier, but not fat not at all. Robert is white he has no type of facial hair blue eyes the shortest one out of all of us hes about 58 or 59 he has some freckles. Always wears his hair long he says he hasnt cut it, but none of us believe him. I hate riding shotgun, because I dont control the situation, but I have faith in James not killing all of us. I hate coming down here I never know what Anthony has on him I wouldnt doubt it if he has a gun, but I hope he isnt that dumb. As soon as we arrive I feel an essence something I have never felt before a stomach pain. I know we should just turn around and leave, but I decide to hide it and keep on going. Its James turn to go up against a guy I recognize I have seen him on the bus a couple times I had no idea he was a rapper. After they finish James comes out on top, but I appreciated the other guy he wasnt bad at all, but like I knew James and Anthony have skills that far exceed the ones of their peers. The vibe isnt all that great we just wanted to catch some video of them doing their thing on the mic as soon as they finished we wanted to catch a movie. Why is Anthony getting back on stage he starts rapping about the dudes he already humiliated he says some things he shouldnt have not said. He gets off stage and starts laughing. I have that feeling again thats when I tell them I hate to tell them, but we got to go. We have to get out of here when we walk into the parking lot. I look out of the corner of my eye and two men in all black come out of the side. I see them I hear one shot just like in my dream it echoes throughout my whole

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 27 body at least I didnt freeze I ran I looked back all my friends are still their. I hear another shot another and one more. I keep running I dont know if I have been hit or not Im just running off of fumes. I cant stop running I hear James call my name they got him man they got him. I turn around and I see tears rolling out of his eyes. James managed to get to the car he must have slipped away it was all hazy, but I can see a body down the street. I can see Rob grabbing the body and than behind them I see a car turn the coroner. I have never screamed so loud in my life. I run back towards the car the same man in all black pulls up to them. He doesnt see me he just sees Rob over Anthony. I can hear Anthony hiding beside the car telling Rob everything is going to be fine. Rob is holding his arm screaming that hes going to bleed out. As soon as the dude hopes out the car I come up behind him twice I sock him in the back of the neck and one more on the floor I slowly pick the gun up. It felt the same I was just hoping my mom was here to pick me up and take me away. I didnt feel her this time she wasnt there to protect me anymore. The guy in the car tries to pull away, but I shoot at his tire. Than I drop the gun I watch as James pulls him out of his car and starts stomping this guy. Im stuck looking at this man get beat halfway to death. I look over my shoulder to see if the other guy gets up. I cant believe what just happened what the fuck just happened to us this shit sucks. The cops arrive I have never in my life been so relieved to see the blue and red lights, but I know how paranoid these cops can get. I hear some more shots than all I feel is the cold air rush through my body and suddenly Im on the ground no warning not even a put your hands up I could feel it all going away James hit the ground too I cant tell if its, because they started shooting or, because he was tending to me, but either way I was on my way out. I can hear him screaming at the cops I can hear him saying something I can hear his voice is his voice the last one Im going to hear before I die is his voice the last one that I know of. Already Dead December 3, 2012 Whats your name whats your name whats your name is all I can hear, but I dont where its coming from. I walk over to the

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 28 register and there is not one person their. I keep walking around and I dont see anyone. How is this whole hospital empty who leaves patients by themselves I cant feel any of my wounds. I guess I didnt get shot I thought I did maybe Im that much of a pussy I passed out when the cops started shooting. How is Robert I hope the guy is fine I hope the cops dont think were about that life fuck what is my going to say I hope they didnt scare my mom when they talked to her these cops say some stupid shit. I look down the hall and I see a tall man in all black pass by. It gives me a weird as feeling fuck that. Where the fuck is my doctor my nurse my homies at least they should have been here. Fuck what if they were the only ones the got shot where are they where are they. I look down the hall I dont want to keep looking down that fucking hall that guy was creepy as fuck. Thats how I know Im not alone I know there is more people here, because I already saw that guy. Come speak to me I look down the hall in the middle of the hallway is a table this wasnt their. What kind of hospital has a fucking table in the middle of the hall? I look at the man I cant see his face, but he reminds me of the man I saw in my dreams the one that shot me in front of my house. I walk up to the table Sit please eat some food before someone else takes it. Hate to leave this food alone it looks so good like my mom cooked it. Strangers are always the nicest people I meet Im no stranger Quentin Im actually a very good friend. Fuck this guy I just want to know what happened to my friends where my doctor is at and what happened to those two guys that shot at us. Well their going to die Im going to make sure of that your friends are fine, but they could be better Quentin. I want to ask him what hes talking about, but I cant speak I cant say anything Im stuck. I watch the man push his chair back and stand fuck this guy is about seven or eight feet tall I have never seen someone so big yet so elegant so cunning so fake. His steps are loud much louder than the sound those type of shoes should make the man is tall, but he isnt fat he looks real slim. I still cant move or ask what I want to he puts his hand on my shoulder looks at me and his eyes are a deep red not noticeable enough, but you can tell their red. Well Quentin we can either be good friends or enemiesok than friends. I cant speak I dont want to be this weirdos friend who the fuck is he why cant I defend myself. But you can Quentin you just havent equipped yourself with the proper weapons. So whats it going to be Quentin

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 29 money, women, cars, a bigger dick hahahaha. Im able to push the chair away I start screaming and I try to run, but I cant I slip I cant stand I try too, but I cant no matter how much I try what the fuck is going on. Aww quentin I wanted us to be friends Quentin I wanted us to be on the same page Quentin I wanted us to shine together to shine bright. Finally I can get up I turn to run. I can feel his hand swoop at me I keep on running trying to get away from this man. I look back and hes gone. I look around the corner no one their I take a breath of sigh and from behind meLooking for mehahaha come on Quentin have some fun it isnt every day you get to have dinner with earths first occupant. I want to ignore everything Im hearing Im not superstitious fuck this guy fuck this guy. I run out through a door and Im on the ledge of the roof. I feel something grab something pick me up high above the ground. Whats it going to be Quentin are you going to dance with me or are you going to die. I dont answer and the man thrust me off the top of the roof of the building. I look up at the dark red sky wishing I had one more chance wishing I could do shit right this time. I can feel the ground looming I can feel the end coming. Its A Circus December 5, 2012 Mom why is my mom crying I jump up in a room full of people. I look over at the monitor its beeping like crazy everyone is staring at me with eyes full of tears baby baby my mom hugs me the hardest I have ever been hugged. Im still scared as fuck about what I just experienced. I could give a fuck about who the cops shot and if they hit me. I look over at Rob and Anthony Its a circus outside bro they shot you and James bro I can hear Rob telling me. They got you in the stomach and the leg and arm. They got James multiple times mostly in the arm and in the shoulder. I blurred most of what they said about what happened. I ask them what room James is in. Anthony answers Hes watching television in his down the hall room 15. I heard him speak to me than I went out of consciousness again when I woke up I felt the cold the room was extremely cold these assholes havent killed me, but it looks like

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 30 they want to get rid of me now. I dont know what else I can do Robert and Anthony were telling me about what happened, but I blacked out. I get off of the bed Im holding the side of my stomach I guess one of the bullets grazed me. Maybe there is a movie on cable maybe an NBA game something that can help me out in the dark. I usually just watch television for basketball, but if there is no games on I can watch anything I just dont want it to be silent in here. The bed is hard at least they left my boxers on shit must have not been that bad. What the fuck thats us what the fuck is going on. My god I cant believe what Im looking at New York cops shoot two unarmed boys. Is it really that bad that Im staring at this and the only thing Im thinking is money. I get off the bed I look down the hall I stare at James standing in the hallway. Is this for real bro is this for real. I havent seen a grin on James like that since we got the film crew together a huge as hug between the both of us. I look at him and tears start covering my eyes, but they keep themselves within me, but they almost fall out all of the way. What are we going to do with all this money bro? Hahaha this is the beginning of our lives fuck the police. I think to myself it really is there is no way nothing in front of us nothing I can see at least nothing to hold us back from what is rightfully ours. Randall October 31, 2012 Kerry October 31, 2012 Formal Introduction December 21, 2012 Day One January 21, 2013

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 31 Thank You March 15, 2013 Not Looking For That April 24, 2013 Halfway Done May 17, 2013 Cruel Summer June 5, 2013 Firm Against Odds July 17, 2013 Standing trial we stood trial against for cops whose reputation can rival a lot of the notorious gang members. This isnt their first circus they were the same cops responsible for shooting a man 90 times for no probable cause. I am exaggerating the man got killed the cops were let go with no much of a halt. James and me are dressed well. We came to play the same game all the people in here are playing, but werent counting on us playing. We remained civilized we used precaution when we spoke we maintained a level of integrity through the trial. This is what its come to finally we never let them see us frown or bow our heads in defeat we remained firm and optimistic. Each one of us took the stand telling our story they all connected we didnt move shit around we didnt play with the past, because we didnt memorize we told it from our own memory. I was constantly looking around the crowd trying to spot the guy from the lying detective show played by Tim Roth if he existed maybe he would be able to prove to everyone that these cops are nothing, but phonies and deserve to have their badges striped and handed a sentence just like any other scum would. Watching two young men stand trial for no reason defending themselves from two stupid ass cops. I could only imagine what a guilty man feels like

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 32 during due process. Due process is a flawed system hardly ever fair a man who may have committed a crime if smart enough could prove himself innocent. On the other hand all these men in death row who claim complete innocence to a crime done long before may be telling the truth, but their ignorance at the moment sent them down a path that makes any man seem guilty. I watch the reactions of the crowd as the policemen speak I know we have the publics voice and that they believe in us everyone wants to see the truth everyone deserves the truth, because lies just dont cut it anymore. Gods Gift August 24, 2013 Even though James and me know were innocent it still weighs on us how horribly this system can skew the lines in favor of, whichever side they uphold. I walk into my apartment and I look at the luggage I hate that this took away from my mom and that shes out here with my sister, because of some dumb ass shit that happened. I tell her that I love her she looks me right in the eyes I dont move I dont hesitate to speak I dont second guess what Im going to say Son did you do it tell me the truth. I stood by your father plenty of times, but he always told me the truth I knew if the man was guilty I knew if the man was innocent. Im not saying I want you to be like your father, because at 19 your more of a man he will ever be. Maybe theirs some mistakes you have done and I will except them as long as you continue to be honest with me son there is no reason to why I would be any less loyal I cant control myself I break out into tears. Tears that have been long bottled up tears from the day I lost my father tears I wasnt able to cry, because of some nightmares tears of having to see my mom struggle every day tears of how unjust the system has becomes. I grab her hands eyes blurred hardly able to see her and I tell her that everything she has heard us say in court is true not one single thing I have mentioned in my testimony is a lie. She tells me she loves me picks out my tie and tells me that she believes me and that both her and my sister are going to go out and enjoy my city that she will miss my hearing, because she knows Im innocent. I smiled and felt happy glad,

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 33 because no matter what happens I know my mother is on my side. I decide to take the bus to the court room while Im waiting for the bus I hear someone say hey I turn around and its the girl who was texting on the bus with me. She says Quentin right your one of the boys on trial against the cops of shot you with no probable cause. I answered yeah she waited along with me we spoke about the subject I didnt tell her I was innocent I let her feel me out and decide that on her own I wasnt going to shove my stance down her throat I was going to give her the facts, which she could choose to except or avoid. We talked eventually we moved the topic to normal shit the whole bus was already looking at me, but with this beautiful girl by my side I didnt mind much at all we continued to speak I actually missed my stop speaking to her thank god I left with a lot of time to spare I got up as soon as I was about to leave. I asked her what her name was and she responded Kerry I looked at her in awe. Than on my whole walk back to the court I thinking back trying to remember my dream at least the most I could about it I knew I was with her through out most it, but I couldnt remember if she was the one in my dream they were both stunning, but I do remember the cops killing me in my dream. I walk into the courthouse hoping my dreams dont spill into reality. Everything is a blur even when the judge speaks and reaches a verdict I tune it all out and the only words I hear are Not Guilty Im surprised I thought we were going to be another statistic I honestly thought we were going to spend some time in jail for something we didnt do I didnt show my excitement like everybody else did I smiled and shook the hands of my lawyer, but I cried when I saw James, Anthony, and Robert smile jump and hug each other. It was a Kodak moment a moment I wish I could save as a screen saver a moment of determination a moment of endurance unlike anything photographed by time magazine or life. A moment that could have won any journalist a Pulitzer. I turn around to catch a glimpse of the cops a straight somber look on one of them while one of them cries and the other one looks towards us in disgust I wonder what will become of them I wonder if they plan revenge. I wonder if they will be treated as inhumane in prison as we have been treated these last couple of months. I wonder. Cycle Of Sin

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 34 August 24, 2015 I cant find Anthony anymore he hardly answers my calls or Robert I have no idea what both of them are up to. Living Big October 1, 2015 In God We Trust November 1, 2015 Nostalgia November 10, 2015 The cold its all too cold, but it feels familiar. Im in front of my school they must have painted it another color it wasnt black at all before. The door is so heavy I have never opened a door using all my strength. I walk in and its completely emptied no one in site just six huge pillars like a greek structure and a desk at the top of some stairs. I start walking up the stairs and I get the same sharp pain in my stomach I got when we were at the club that night. This is time the feeling is incredible it drops me to my knees I cant move this might just kill me this is it this pain kills me. Where am I this isnt school how did I even get here I hear my moms voice Quentin wake up Quentin wake up. I look up completely in awe I was not aware of my dream I let myself believe everything that was going on was completely possible I let my mind completely trick me. I hear my mom say hurry you have to take your sister to school. Im on my moms couch Im fine Im not in some dark chest of horrors, but that feeling is unforgettable. I pull the covers back on and just lay a little longer I hate being sleepy and having to wake up its honestly the worst feeling ever. I count 10 seconds I yawn I stretch, and when Im in the seated position everything comes pretty quick. Than I check my phone-missed calls from James. I wonder what it is I came back out to enjoy some time with my mom and sister and write. I have been writing a lot. Anthony came out to Los Angeles with me, but Rob and James decided to stay I hope their staying out of trouble. My sister walks in to the room looks at me. Gives me my moms stare and just says five minutes I start laughing and say ok

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 35 mom. As soon as we pull out of the driveway I see an unmarked cruiser pull up behind us. Im just hoping he doesnt fuck with me with my little sister in the car. Im just being paranoid why the fuck would even stop me Im fine everything is good Im ok why am I panicking. Whats wrong Quentin why do you look scared. I look over at her and tell her that I dont want to see her be late to school that getting her their on time is what I aim to do anything less scares me. She laughs my teacher doesnt get mad shes really nice dont worry about it. I cant believe it shes 12 years old now. Even though thats not what Im worried about her explanation to my made up worries helps me relax a little. I pull up to the school the cop car pulls up before and hes just staring at me I know he is I dont even look in his direction once he knows better than to fuck with me with my sister in the car. I kiss my sister good bye and I give her five dollars to buy her self snacks I walk back into the car. I pull off the curb the cops pulls off the curb Im about to head off when he sounds his sirens and tells me to pull into the street the street is a dead end. I take out my license just to get this shit over with I look through the rearview and he has his gun cocked and ready to shoot he shoots once and misses I hit the accelerator and bust a u turn as quick as I possibly can. The cop gets in his car and he starts following me I doubt he radioed for back up he didnt even look at me he must know what he is supposed to do. I pull into an abandoned garage he follows me up I park the car and run out he doesnt get out of his car he just has the gun out the window looking to kill me. I know I mat have to kill him if I cant bring him down easily why are these cops so fucking corrupt. He shoots off towards where I am he lets the car roll hops out as soon as I hear him reload I run out I tackle him one two three. I hit him three times. I call my mom to call the cops. I call the cops they arrive in a unmarked cruiser cop on the floor I never touched the gun I didnt touch anything. A Losing Game November 10, 2015

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 36 Just like I would have suspected the cops see me standing by an unconscious policeman. Its nothing before their own I dont get shot this time I get socked hard in my jaw. I dont black out, but I am on the floor after a few seconds Im in cuffs again wondering why they never let me explain myself they never have a probable cause they never have anything on me, but treat me like Im the worst. Im sitting inside the car with my jaw bruised for no reason Im waiting for the fucking pigs to let me go when one of them pulls me out. A big officer of the law mustache dark skin his badge read sergeant he stood me on my feet and said what the fuck happened the only phrase that came out of my mouth were I dont speak to criminals I want my lawyer. The cops all laughed next thing I know everything goes black and I wake up this is it thats all Im think these cops are done this whole jurisdiction couldnt possibly withstand this its all over. Anthony is crying I dont understand why I ask him whats wrong hes a heavy headed dude I have never seen him this way. I dont understand whats going on why is he crying why is he crying. Rob man Rob they found him dead dipped in hydrochloric acid completely mutilated man they are saying James killed him his our own brother man James would never do some shit like that no matter what kind of problems. They are trying to give you the maximum for aggravated assault with a weapon the tazer man I dont know what the fuck Im going to do. What did we do to the system why are they doing this to us why? As puzzled as ever I answer that I have no idea I dont I cant even begin to think why it is that they want to see us burn so bad were good kids all of us with our heads on right. I guess the system never likes to get played all these rappers play it for all while, but always end up back in prison O.J thought he has got away, but hes in the place he worked so hard to avoid maybe not hard enough. What has me awe struck in complete wonder shaded by denial is the death of my friend one of my brothers I have known for three years we went through the worst what happened to him what did this to him who did this to him why him I know it wasnt James out of all of us James is to loyal and has dreams schemes he wouldnt give them up by killing his friend this is absurd this is blasphemous. We thought we had got away, but they have their grip on us more tight than ever how will my mom endure through this will I be able to get through this its clear their goal is to keep me behind these steel bars or is it to kill me. I ignore Anthony

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 37 and stare right through him I cant calm him down I cant even process the situation it is all grey Im a good kid Im a good kid, but trouble wont let breath trouble wont let me stand anymore. Dec. 3 December 3, 2015 The night before James walks out of a bookstore with a bag in his hand he makes a call. Rob is on the other side of the call at least hes trying hard to reach him he looks down at his phone and it powers off. How the fuck do I always forget to charge my shit every single time I go out I forget. Is their payphones available anymore I need to call this dude tell him that Im going to be over so he doesnt have anything else to do I got to let this fucking prick know ha before I catch him masturbating or something. I cant find any payphone I cant find anything I look down at my iPod and see the date December 3, 2015 its been three years since what happened I cant believe it exactly three years. These dudes are going to get a kick out of this shit once they realize today is the anniversary of our near encounter with the other side. The sky is hazy it is very cold Im just hoping and wishing that this school accepts me man. I have worked so hard to get back into it get back into this form of living I thank Quentin a lot this dude knows how to do his shit this dude got us so far theirs no way we should look back now not after everything that has happened to us all these struggles we have gone through. The bus I hate it I need it wouldnt be able to do much without it, but god do I hate being on the fucking bus. Theirs hardly any pretty girls on this bitch never ever ever do I see a nice looking girl on that excuse for transportation. I felt bad I dont know why the fuck I feel bad, but thats how I feel. That trial I cant shake it off I cant shake all that shit off. I try my best Im even applying to graduate school. I just I cant shake it I cant maybe its because I dont want to shake it maybe the feeling is something I need. I just hope Im the only one who feels this way and everyone else is completely fine. The bus is coming, because I can see its bright lights its nice out today, really nice out. Should I take the bus to Robs house or should I walk. The bus arrives I put a foot into the bus I ponder for a second the light is

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 38 green and I can tell the bus driver is eager to leave, because of what he says to me Bro I have had a long day its holiday season all these people have somewhere to go are you going to get on or not I look up at him take my foot off and just smile and watch the bus driver drive off. Im good were all good the world is good were headed on the right way we are. I walk by a group of kids all playing and it reminds me of the shit I used to do with Anthony we were bad, because we didnt have the parents to guide us we didnt have any of that and it isnt fitting that we are where we are. Any other two people born in our situation may have not made they may have not survived through so much adversary. I owe it to him my brother I owe it all to him. The apartment is just around the coroner I cant wait to see this dudes face when I catch him doing his stupid shit or whatever his reason is for not answering his phone. I walk into the apartment building and I use the code he gave me so I dont have to call up I just walk through the lobby without hassle I put the 4 digit code in 2-3-7-0 I walk into the lobby I usually talk with the guy at the table, but he isnt in today hes a cool dude studying to be a doctor. I hate this elevator its fucking creepy it has windows on the side, but the hue and feel of it is all brown, which isnt good look I always look down I dont want to see someones elses reflection in the fucking mirror than wouldnt work well with me. Its a modern building though its pretty nice from where we lived 3 years this is more than a notch up I get off the 4th floor I walk down the hall this dudes shit is way in the back something doesnt feel right I could see from all the way down here that his door is open I walk up. The door is half open, but I dont hear any noise other than loud music playing. Maybe he has guests over, but I cant see anybody in the entrance or in the living room. Im hesitant to walk in I never am, but this time for some reason Im not feeling all to good about this shit. I walk in and theirs his television on mute, but the music is all the way up plus theirs a fucking crack on the television. Im thinking what the fuck happened here. We watch millions of horror movies at least I have and I always complain about the stupidity of the characters I trash talk them I say I would have done shit differently, but here I am walking towards the sudden noise coming from the restroom. The door is open, but the lights are off Im just waiting for some shit to happen how long does it take for me to get the knife through my skull the suspense is harrowing its trauma at its highest.

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 39 I flip the switch up to turn on the light their he is deep in something clear smoke around his whole body I cant believe what Im staring its a scene its exactly from a horror movie its violent completely out of this world. I reach to pull him up, but his skin on his face is practically gone everything has deteriorated. I panic I run I dont call the cops I dont know why, but I just run I kick open the door sobbing and crying hysterically I run by a couple in the hallway practically knocking them over I dont even use the elevator I run down the stairs as quick as I can running out the fire alarm protected door I ran for about a block I hit the floor my brother my brother one of my brothers maybe not blood, but closer than a lot of blood relatives I shared with him I spoke with him I almost through are lives away and hes gone such a week point such a low point such a difficult situation to process. I fall to my knees in front of a crowd I start breaking down my stomach hurts never had it hurt this way my throat burns at the attempt of trying to cry I cant contain myself I dont know why this is my reaction, but its me. I just lost a brother and the pain couldnt be measured or put into words. I feel my train of thought going away I feel myself fading than it all goes black. What the fuck is wrong with you kids huh? First you bash the media with the story of good kids, but now we got you muthafuckers. Got you red handed you little son of a bitch you killed your friend over some stupid shit Theirs no getting out of this one you fucking prick. I cant believe they would even suspect me of killing Rob I dont even want to speak to this pig or Im going to say some shit I might regret his breath is bad his saliva practically in my face is words shaking my eardrums back and forth back and forth Im so pissed right now. Im trying to control myself from speaking its to hard I might just fall to his spewing hatred I might just succumb to his methods. The door opens Randy walks in he looks good I havent seen him in about two months. I need to speak to my client leave us now. Whats up man what are you doing I told you all to stay out of trouble. Why man why man why? Dont you all pay attention I told you guys to relax with this shit man. I didnt do It I replied I swear to god I found him that way tears start strolling down my face I promise I didnt kill him I promise there is nothing on that body I cant even argue against something like this man it tears me up that they would point a finger at me Im practically brothers with him I blacked out when I found him I blacked out I blacked out.

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 40 They cant keep you here they dont have enough evidence to hold you back settle down Im going to get shit figured out you will be out of here by tonight relax ok I understand your childhood friend my friend just died. I trust I trust him to much hes only in his early forties, but he handles situations well.

Behind Closed Doors December 21, 2015 Kids are the future of the world thats why when I heard of their story when they were barely cracking into a adult hood still kids your not a grown up until your doing grown up shit and getting shot is not grown up shit. Excuse my language I laid my name on the line for these kids, because they spoke to me with true sincerity and never any doubt thats why I decided to work with them and we won, because the truth always over shadows lies no matter who deeply thought out they are. Im here to tell you all that these kids arent killers these kids arent about that stuff they had their brush with the law once and swore to me that it would never happen again. James Johnson passed out after finding out his long time friend had been murdered is that the action of murderer to black out after he kills someone. I understand the whole precinct is sour with these kids and wants to watch them fail, because of what happened, but hes innocent another media circus to NYPD and when you all come out on the bottom who else will trust a word that is said about these cops. I just want you all to know this in advance before any of you decide to charge my client. I would like to know your plans moving forward or your take on what I have just explained before I leave this office. I have balls I have balls these sons of a bitches try to fuck my client tried to fuck my friend its never any good its never any good. I stare around the room all blank faces a couple cops around the side looking at me like Im a fucking a criminal these pigs are scum these pigs should be handed flowers instead of guns and badges fucking pussies. I watch these men converse all veterans in this game all know whats good whats bad what to touch what to

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 41 leave alone. Ronald Trajido the homicide detective takes a stand We have no evidence on James we plan to investigate and the department does not want to deal with this problem again. Some of us overreacted the boy isnt anything more than a prospective suspect he is free to go until otherwise noted. Dont go to the media with this shit we have been able to keep under wraps, but if we find some shit we will put all our money into locking him up. I knew it they wouldnt do it they knew it I understand. Another Death In The Family January 24, 2016 2 handguns 1 double o buckshot shotgun and a chinese ak. I am no warriot I have no terrorist agenda this is a check to the system this is a wake up call to the Los Angeles Gestapo to these horrible people. Bullet proof vest I count ten seconds probably the last time I will ever have to count in my life probably the last time I will drive a car or see the sky I am ready I am ready to leave this earth. The air is just right the people all alarmed I pull out the ak take aim at the group of cops I let off goodbye. RingRingRinghello yes this is the los angeles police department are you James Johnson? Yes I am Im thinking out loud is this about my friend Quentin Rojas? No son this is about your brother Anthony Johnson. I am speechless I dont even want to hear what he has to say. your brother is the prime suspect in the lapd standoff in downtown los angeles hes is responsible for the death of about a dozen police men so far is there any way you can get him to drop his weapons and come out? I want to wake up I dont want to believe this I dont want to believe any of this shit. I also want to say no if this is him I want him to kill them all, but Im not like that were not like that thats not him thats not my brother my brother wouldnt do that I hear silence can you help us or not? I pause for more than one would have to waiting to see if he will click on me than I answer that I will help him were going to put you through the line were going to here while you talk to him. Were making the call now. I can hear the dial tone I dont want him to answer ot I want someone to answer and its not him he is not their he is in bed with a pretty girl he is not a killer my brHello Anthony I wait and than I hear his voice Im Sorry

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 42 than I hear one last gun shot he blew his brains on the phone with me. If I was in complete awe before I am like a lunatic now I drop the phone I cant move now I want to go to I want to leave this world now they took my brother they took my brother they took my brother I slowly begin to fade Im pretty sure this time I wont wake up this time I wont be around to live with the pain. The suicide letter reads January 23, 2016 droplets of dried tears can be seen in the picture Hey bro II Im leaving ya Im leaving ya. Take care bro bros. Both of you my biological brother and Quentin. I hate to do this to you both and I wonder if you will continue loving me for this or if you wont, but its what I have to do there is no other way. Im fed up with this system James Im fed up with this shit they wont leave us alone I got something for them I probably wont make it out alive, but this is the way I will make them pay attention they wont fuck with the innocent anymore for what I am about to I am probably going to make martyrs out of those policemen, because civilians ride the dicks of these violent men. This is the end of the five hours I have though about this the most important one actually if someone called within the five hours I wasnt going to do it anymore, but I have to now. No one called James I hope everything goes well for you and that you shine brother I hope they dont keep both of you behind those bars to long. Im going to be fine with Robert we have each others back no matter where we are nothing can touch us together I want both of you to do big things be something were young I hate to go out like this I hate it, but its necessary evil to introduce a time of peace. I love you James I will see you one day beyond the pine trees my brother. Pain January 24, 2016 Whats the quote about pain the one thats so famous pain is weakness leaving the body pain is anger leaving the body. Im not completely sure, but Im pretty sure all these quotes about pain have to do with tangible pain physical pain, which can be mentally controllable, but mental pain mental anguish mental problems. This type of pain is what hurts the most this is the type of pain that cant

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 43 be relieved with painkillers that cant be forgotten only can slowly begin to become controlled. In New York two people experience pain one experiences pain a lot less than the other Randy sheds a tear and cant believe what he is seeing. I have not been feeling all that well I have to fly out soon figure out what the fuck is going on with Quentins dumb ass I leave tomorrow in the morning I just want to sleep I just want to relax and forget about shit I dont want to worry about these kids for at least one night. I turn on the television flip to the news and in huge letter I read Los Angeles PD massacre I was shocked I felt a weird feeling building than they show the picture I I couldnt even believe I couldnt fathom it I failed to grasp it completely it was out of my mind. I laughed and cried violently I had deep regrets about these boys and dont know if this was the right decision at all I dont know what is the right decision anymore I really dont know. Thats the first level of pain heres another level of pain the pain real pain I awake from my tumble I can feel a hot spot on my head I know Im bleeding I wish I would have just kept bleeding. I try to stand, but I just fall back down I keep screaming I dont know why I dont know at who Im screaming at, but Im screaming and it isnt working nothing changes I still feel as bad as I ever felt I try to stop and analyze shit call somebody I cant even think my throat itches and burns like nothing before I just want to rip it out I just want it to go away I cant even bottle it I cant even hide it lock it away its spilling all over the place I call his number about four times no one is answering I want him to pick up pick up god dammit pick up pick up pick up I call again. I leave a voicemail Woah call me back Im pretty sure your phone is just dead I mean that wasnt you that could have not been you your not like that your Anthony you fucking hate violence you wouldnt do that your fine your not that weak you wouldnt kill your self Anthony you wouldnt leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone in the cruel fucking world you wouldnt dare some shit like that after everything we have suffered all the adversary we only have each other you fucking prick you son of a bitch why the fuck did you abandon me too why are they leaving me first rob now you what the fuck what the fuck answer this phone you asshole I want to hear you answer the phone. Please please please Anthony Anthony dont leave me we grow old together we own it we own it all we fuck this world

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 44 remember we fuck them dont betray me dont dont leave me alone. The Meeting January 26, 2016 I touch down in Los Angeles what I cant tell the difference in terms of fresh breathing jumping from one city to another isnt the best example for wanting find natural air. I come with a surprising new found energy to either once and for all figure out what the fuck happened say bye to these kids or Im stuck with them until their all awaiting the death penalty at least the last two. May Rob and Anthony rest in peace the lord knows those kids just werent pushed a long the right path. I approach a taxicab and as soon as I put my hand on the door the man pulls off fucking prick. Another one is right behind, but time is key time is everything the only thing that ever truly matters. I get in Im puzzled Im still mad at the last asshole I ponder I think about why this asshole isnt moving. I just let the meter run and we sit here? I reply Oh sorry Parker Center Jail also known as the glasshouse I dont know if Im going to try and interrogate him myself, but this may have just taken a turn a huge leap after what happened. I dont even want to worry about them I have a job and my job is to defend, but these kids especially they were kids when I met them now adults I feel I have a duty to protect one is in jail and two are in the ground I should have just let them plead guilty the first time even if they were innocent maybe that way I would have done something right. I dont want to question myself this is my job I hate seeing it as a job if I can trust if I can trust them I can enjoy defending them and put my heart into my work. I can see him hes sitting their he doesnt look out of it like a criminal would he looks tired he looks like hes been crying a lot. Thats what got me the first time their sincerity being so open with me. His hair is longer he now has the beard not much of it, but it hurts to see him he looks beat up mentally. My father would get home every day every single day he would say this you do your homework ran every single time I answered yes. I always wondered why he would ask, but never check it eventually I began to lie to him about my homework and say yes I did it every single time. He would

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 45 congratulate me and pretend he was happy about my timely homework. One day on a day I didnt have school he gets home from work and speaks to my mom they start laughing and my dad ask me you do your homework ran? I stand up serious as a kid can get and I say yeah my dad looks at me and says no you didnt he gets serious Im spinning away Im seven years old I say I can prove it and he says no you cant come sit on my lap. I go over my mom stares at us and smiles at us. She says listen to your dad he looks at me and tells me you know how I know you were lying to me I said how he said Ive been asking you everyday including Saturdays and Sundays I went blank I guess I had been doing it I was so caught up in the lie I fell into my own lie. At that age not doing your homework is as big as the lies get and when it comes to being a lawyer at least a lawyer who is honest I pick one question to ask my clients I ask them once when I call them I ask them again when I meet them one more time when I meet them. I walk up to him I ask him he doesnt look jumpy he seems normal as he always does he looks to the sides and makes eye contact with me. I ask him a question did the officer drop his gun or did you wrestle it off of him to the floor? He answers it fell to the floor I never even touched. The same answer as the first time worded differently that way I know Im stick with this young man, because something recited comes out the same multiple times something from the memory alternates. I sit down I stare at him and tell him to not worry. He starts to begin to tear up and says I hate it man I fucking hate it I was just thinking about Anthony I saw him about two days ago he seemed fine only if I out their no in here like a fucking dog maybe just maybe I could have kept him from doing something so foolish and selfish. I can calm a young child fairly easy a couple hugs and some pep talk, but a grown adult to see reduced to childish actions in the eyes of ignorant, but in the eyes of knowledge I see devastation and hardly functional. I try to say something, but I cant I just wait until hes done and I look at him and all he says is so what do you have can you get me out of here or am I fucked. Any other person I would have walked away from after speaking to me like he just did, but I understand where he is right now so I just laugh. I lay out everything I know he fills me in I dont understand why the cop would do that in the first place. I ponder I ponder for a very long time I think I know how I can get him out I think I know how.

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 46 Forgiveness January 27, 2016 Its been 3 days I dont how Quentin or his family has been I have been away from a lot I have isolated myself not forever just for now. I cant even be in the same place moving is something I will do very soon. I just I cant understand how he was tipped to the edge how he was able to do something even in my eyes horrible it wasnt him not the kid who wanted to do so much. I didnt let anyone know when he would be buried I wanted him to myself nobody even asked everyone believed he was to bad to be visited. Who are they to judge if they took a spill in their long road of life would anyone care. The media paints my brother as gruesome questioning the truth about what we had done if we have been innocent they have Quentin they might just never let him see the light of day ever again. I walk up the casket I take slow steps remembering every single thing we went through all the happy times all the times that bring to sorrow to me. I try to hold back the tears I cant I want them to bury me right here beside my brother I want them to put a bullet between my back and my head I want them to erase me. I just want this to fade away Im mad at him why, because of how stupid he could be how stupid could he be. I fall to the floor I sit I speak to him for the first time maybe one day I will understand the anger you felt I know I was behind bars and Quentin was behind bars and Rob had just passed, but you didnt have to make it one more loss for us. You think you did well you killed 12 innocent people they were cops, but they didnt do this to us. I will learn why they are doing this to us why us we arent much just four kids from this side of the rainbow. I really hope hell doesnt exist brother, because you may just be feeling the burns of a million degrees it saddens me, but you should have spoken to me before even attempting some shit so horrible. I love you though and I miss you I miss you so much I hope the souls of the ones you killed can forgive you or better yet the families of the ones you took with you. I will continue our journey I will try to be the best at would I do and I will gain our name the respect it deserves. Rest in peace my brother. I get up I walk towards the gate I hope the next time I have to step foot in one of these Im six feet

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 47 under the ground, because two times in one month isnt good for any human being. I take one last look at my brothers new resting place and I smile I plan on coming back one day I dont know how far from the present, but I hope its not to far from the present. I notice a church Our Holy St. Mary I dont know what religion it is, but I walk in. Its empty making a place made annoying by any priest seem a lot more sacred than I have ever seen a place of worship, which caught my attention. I walk through the center with Christ high up on a gigantic cross I think if this man gave it all up for us all of it his entire fate dedicated to us. I dont know if we will ever be united as one to pay him back for his death. I look up and stare at it a symbol that inspires many inspires by the millions it amazes me. Wow Anthony I hope all is good I smile at your actions, but I forgive you I forgive you. I drop to my knees in the middle of the church I drop to my knees I am to vulnerable I need to get my shit together I need to act right. I turn to walk out of the church I begin to walk out I take a quick stop and I say out loud Protect him. Im on my way to Los Angeles to see my last brother I hope everything goes fine for him and that were able to beat this shit for once I need him here now. We need to figure out what the fuck is going on. Raging Bull June 23, 2016 I havent been this physically fit in forever my regiment is water and as much fruit and an occasional meal. This shit they feed us isnt even food I ask myself how I can feel great in the belly of hell. They dont talk to me they dont tell me anything they just see me and give me a nod of a approval no one likes cops in here. It is crazy how quick the inmates know why someone is here. I cant wait to be out I cant wait until I get out of this fucking place I hope it isnt much longer I dont know what I would do if I last more time in here. Im sitting in my cell and the my door opens and four other ones beside me I ponder on it and than I stand to my feet. I see the men speaking to each other and than they begin to approach me I hope they brought guns, because Im not fucking with any of these guys right now my mind isnt right I just dont want to kill someone. I could fight I did four years of boxing and three of mixed martial

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 48 arts. Two of them come in and two stay outside the gate closes I know they are in it together. Im not going to make it out of this prison alive these convicts might hate cops, but they love money even more or maybe the promise of freedom. Im a smart kid I went to college I learned shit Im going to play bad just like they can play bad I also can. The first one looks at me Im going to make it feel great boy. The other one laughs the first one comes at me trys to grab me I move out of the way hit him once in the chest step on the side of his knee breaking it and putting him in a kneeled position. Than the other one comes at me hes the one with the weapon I disarm him I kick him in the face and drop him and hit him repeatedly until he losses all consciousness. The guards are coming I get in my bed and I just lay down I am thinking these guys are going to want to confine me they are going to want to destroy me they tried once their going to have to try a whole lot harder if they want to see me dead. I dont die easy most men shouldnt die easy the ones who do are, because they didnt fight hard enough. My gate finally opens up the inmates that were outside walk away and about four guards run in they expect to see my bloody corpse I throw on my blanket and pretend I was killed. The guard looks down and sees one of the inmates completely out and the other one screaming in agonizing pain just like the girl he really is. Call it in the kid is dead. They move me I cant hole my eyes shut I have to be subtle and the most natural possible am I going to make a run for it no Im not I just want to be put in protective custody. I want my lawyer I want this shit to be over with how much more will they add to my sentence after assaulting those two men this is all too ridiculous. As soon as that door open Im pulling the gun from one of those son of a bitches and Im going to run and hide. Hide I dont know I just know that I cant turn my back on any of these animals. They will find any excuse to kill me. Maybe I can lock myself in with the nurse she looked pretty who cares about that I just need to find somewhere to be safe and prove to everyone for once and for all that we arent the problem. Its going to happen it should happen everything seems so slow again. I slowly get up they had a blanket over my head Im not hand cuffed, because I should be dead a curtain is covering me. What am I going to do the first part of the plan is get a gun Im not shooting anyone its just to get what I want. I shake my head back to consciousness I run over to the guard put him on his knees relieve

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 49 him of the gun push him down and I say I dont scream stay on the floor before I shoot you I unload the gun. I tell the young nurse to grab a chair and remain calm the nothing is going to happen to her. I tell the guard to not move or try to be a hero. Shit I hear in the movies what else would I tell them. I handcuff his arms and put some shades on the guard and I leave him face down so he cant see anything and doesnt try anything stupid. The inmates who tried to kill me are all their I have one of the guards the men who were sent to kill me and a hostage nurse. As far as I know the situation is controlled I unloaded the gun the door is locked and no one knows anything. Now time to make the call. I press the numbers quickly I have my back to the wall so no one tries to disarm me. Randall Im in deep shit man four men tried to kill me today yeah Im fine, but they think Im dead Im in the infirmary man I have a guard on the ground and I have a nurse I am not armed and I have the two men in the room with me who tried to kill me. Yes they are handcuffed. Yes I was thinking I was thinking I need to get myself out of here before someone tries to fucking kill me again. The fuckyes Im calm yeah make the call before anyone notices what the fuck happened. I look over at the nurse she doesnt look scared I havent given her any reason to be. She looks up at me and says, Are you going to kill me? I look at her puzzled Im guessing I didnt read her right at all if shes in fear she does a good job at hiding it. I respond No I just want to clear my name and get out of this place before Im killed in this jail. She asks why do I fear for my life inside prison? I answer that someone with a lot of power wants my friends and me dead. I dont know what we did two of my friends have died in the last two weeks me and my other friend have been in prison at the same time. You look familiar. Yes were also the four boys who were accused of shooting at cops with no guns. She looks puzzled with a look that reads these boys arent honest at all we just finished firing 4 different cops and making them go through trial against four kids two of, which have died and two have been in prison. She didnt say anything, but just the silence made her say more than enough. I wait for the call to arrive from randy I havent been filled with so much energy it a long time. I dont want some of these guards to happen to come look inside for some stupid reason. Come on come on call ring you fucking phone ring. I look over at the two men who tried to kill me a look of fear in their eyes not sure if its, because of me or the

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 50 fact that they werent able to kill me and might have to deal with someone else. The phone rings rings hello Put one of the guys that tried to kill you on the phone. I ask him which one any I look at the one I knocked unconscious not the one I left crippled maybe this one has more sympathy I pull the gun to the mans head and I tell him to speak. He says hello like a child I can hear the murmur loud talk of Randall like he knows the man I cant make out what hes saying, but I can see now a different look in the eyes of this man. He gives me back the phone he just turns his body around and the other man just stares at him like they know whats about to happen. I answer the phone I ask Randall what did he tell them he says Dont worry about what they said just walk out the door the guards wont tell you a thing. Im shocked this is my lawyer tells me to just walk out the door is he trying to get them to add another crime on top of that I say just walk out he says Yes just walk out. I ask him about the nurse and he says, Leave her shes fine she wont be a problem. I say thanks and I hang up I look over at the nurse and Im afraid for her life I dont know why, but something just doesnt feel right. I look over at her and tell her to come with me. I open the door of the infirmary I see a bunch of men in riot gear pointing their guns at me they grab me move me out of the way push the girl back in to the room. It was about five of them that went into the room with the girl. I stand by the door I hear her scream Its him the one in the hall its the one in the hall. Than its silence I hear shots ring about five full standard 9mm clips. I start to run I run down the hall I walk to where if I get past this checkpoint I know I will be fine, but what the fuck just happened back there. I walk into a couple guards they give me my belongings a set of clothes and run down the hall the opposite way. I look down the hall and Im in awe at what I just saw I couldnt believe any of it. Brothers July 19, 2016 Ive met Quentins mom his sister and of course I know Kerry. She moved out here with him, whom I believe is really good for him, that maybe she would keep them from ever crossing into the road again. I walk towards his apartment its a nice complex. I get

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 51 passed the gate I dial the apartment number it rings a couple times and its Kelly. Shes crying, Help him help him. I run up into the apartment like what the fuck I need to relax I ask her whats wrong. He came out of prison last night he looked traumatized I dont know whats going on he has a bunch of papers that he found at your brothers place and hes hurting himself mentally. I look at her and all I say is that she needs to relax Im going to go in and to talk to him. Stay out here we will figure it all out she gives me a hug and steps out of the house. I look at the door and Im here to help him he has my brothers shit my brother isnt a lunatic he did what he did for a reason. I turn the knob of the door there he is he looks big bigger than the last time I saw him, but he doesnt look healthy in his face. He walks over to me gives me a huge hug and I tell him Whats wrong man whats going on bro you can tell me. He lets go of me and he says I have a story to tell you their was no way I was going to get out of jail no way man. I was stuck in there and most likely I wasnt going to last long. The day I decided to get out two men tried to kill me someone killed these same two men. After one of them spoke to Randall I saw this look in his eyes of sadness he just turned over in his bed and the guy on the other bed just started going crazy pleading for an answer from him. The craziest part is Randall was able to let me just walk out of the whole fucking place. No one questioned me they all already knew no one said a word to me they just turned their back and unlocked the doors and labeled me a free man. I wouldnt I shouldnt believe this, but Randall was able to do a similar process to me in a matter of hours no one tried to kill me, but I did manage to get out with minimal effort. I look at him and I tell him what do you think is going on Your brother man he was in deep shit. After we were labeled free for attacking the cops he started up a conspiracy theory blog did he tell you about it? I nod no, but I always knew my brother was into that kind of stuff. Well in his blog he took analytical steps it wasnt the same as most conspiracy blogs that just title everyone something and give a biased look at the subject and never bring forth any evidence. I talked with your brother after what had happened to us he hated the injustice and how far the system was able to get us and a little more and we could have been gone for a long time. We didnt talk much more about what had happened we were all trying to forget, but with this style of vigilante in his mind he started researching he found the two veteran

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 52 cops that shot us are cousins and one of them is a brother with billionaire Ralph Forswar. I cant believe it why wasnt that fact laid all over the news and I ask Quentin this out loud he says This man has immense power he doesnt want something to come out something wont come out. They failed even with all their power the support of the people behind us the civilians trying to stop a possible incident within communities the judge gave into the people. The same judge died six months ago. I still fail to see how this connects with my brother I dont see the lines adding up. My brother Quentin says Was dragged into an experiment. Read this I woke up at 3:30 again I dont know why I keep feeling like someone is watching me I cant sleep comfortably I cant call anyone. I dont feel safe anymore the fear has had me on point to completely delete my blog, but I still believe that people should know the truth the cold hard facts and they can put the rest of it together the best they can puzzle it. I put up evidence detailing the police department to be under MK ULTRA procedures I cant believe this myself I would have thought just soldiers, but these among out civilians it doesnt make sense. I can only hope the right people are looking at what I say and not the wrong ones, but the ones you dont want to know are always the ones who know first. Ok I say he was dabbling in shit that doesnt make him feel good what does it have to do with the actions and what he committed. Look at the date. I look at the date December 2, 2015 he seems so calm just two days before all this shit. Now read December 3, 2015 the same day I found Robert dead. I Will Oblige I Will Oblige I Will Oblige I Will Oblige I Will Oblige I Will Oblige I Will Oblige I Will Oblige I Will Oblige. I Will Kill With And For My Brothers I Will Kill With And For My Brothers I Will Kill With And For My Brothers I Will Kill With And For My Brothers I Will Kill With And For My Brothers. We Move Alone, But Were Hundreds We Move Alone, But We Kill With Hunger. I feel tears run out of my face and hit the paper I can tell Quentin isnt crazy, because if he is I am too, because hes my brother. I ask him what will we do he says hes been thinking I have an idea about who killed Robert. He is also a member that dabbles with this shit, but he turned on them from the inside they gave him some medicine and a target. Were going back to New York? Yes thats where it all started thats where it will all end. When do we leave? Soon. We cant be wrong and we have to present some

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 53 knowledge evidence of all that we know. When do we get Forswar? We have to work up to him. We cant just run at him they know what we do outside of this doors we have to put up such a good job of living a life that is far from this. No Internet and we dont speak through phones. I havent given my family enough time. They have missed me they have been there for me when I act stupid and havent failed me when ever that is. I may not be around after what happens next, but it must be done we wont be as blunt as our brother was. Were smart were members of society exceeding many millions are level of understanding should fare well. How to sabotage a group in the government that makes everything run that figures everything out that is able to turn one of our brothers into killers in a matter of ours that is able to take to of our brothers in a couple hours. True Love October 2, 2016 I kiss her I kiss her again. She works hard I work hard She understands me and I try my best to understand her. I know she loves me what other girl would be with a man as crazy as Ive become. I take care of her with my odd film jobs she says she doesnt care I kiss her again, but I know she does I do I want a better life, but right now we I have a lot of problems I have to deal with. She turns around looks me in my eyes she says, I want to leave. Im surprised I dont know what she means I say where do you want to leave too. I want to leave this country with you. I kiss her neck spread her legs apart and lay on top of her. I say where do you want to go she says Madrid, Spain I kiss her a lot more she grabs my pants and starts unbuttoning them I say that I would love to leave the country with her. She puts her hand inside my pants and I move back she takes my pants completely off shes in control now. Looks me in my eyes takes off her shirt kisses me some more and than she prowls. Its all dark I cant see anything I dont want to see anything Im in the dark room again everything pitch black. Im just not alone this time I didnt feel safe all alone in the dark, but with someone by your side you forget youre in the pitch black. She sleeps so beautifully I get out of my bed I sit on the side. I think I hope Im not dragging James into a certain death with me I hope we find our way

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 54 out for our own sakes for the sake of what we did to mean something. For my brothers dying I begin to cry I would cry with emotion, but I would incite investigation from Kerry I want her to know the least the minimal nothing almost about what is going on. I dont want to drag anymore of my family into this I dont want the blood of my loves ones to be spilled anymore if anyone else is touched or mentioned by them I wouldnt hesitate to step along the edge of insanity and vengeance. Right now Im keeping my composure the best someone in my feet could possibly act. We have to move fast according to Anthonys notes a person under MK ULTRA acts awkwardly for the rest of their life, but gets violent only once every two months. We need to stop this before this man is able to think of something like this. I get up and walk over to the window I look out and I see a black sedan I back up from the window a little I tell myself I cant get paranoid not at all I have a plan. Im going to turn on the light and if the person inside is looking out for me he will look up maybe try to take some pictures or even worse maybe he tries to come up. Im going to run to the other window and take pictures of the car while they focus on the window with the light on. I walk over to the hall I grab my camera I turn on the light and I run to the other window and I begin taking pictures. A man gets out of the passenger and he signals something to the other man. The man inside locks the doors and rolls the windows up I see the man coming towards the complex Im taking pictures of everything as it happens. He disappears from my shot, which means he should be up here in about ten minutes. I walk into the other room Kerry is still asleep I turn off the light. I run back to the other room I look out the window and the car hasnt moved windows are still up. I grab something a blunt object I call the cops yes come to 2323 Douglas ave. Los Angeles, CA some men are coming into my house my name is Quentin hurry. I hear the door knob turn Sir Sir may you please tell me whats going on? Their Here I hang up the phone. I lay low and keep on to the floor. The person is picking the lock I know they know what their doing I have so much energy I would just open the door and attack him, but thats stupid. He finally is able to open the door he isnt that tall I can see his features I have never seen him in my life he does have a gun. A gun Im going to take from him I slowly get up I pull up the bat and take one swing completely knocking the man out I turn him over I take a picture of

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 55 him I grab the gloves put the gun in my waistband I wake up Kerry I tell her to get up slowly and to not speak, because there is a man in the house. She gets up and walks out to the living room and sees the unconscious man I tell her that we have to go. I tell her to go wait in the car and get in the drivers seat. Why whats going on? I tell her to listen to me that I already called the cops and they should be here in no time. I walk her to the car and leave her their I run out of the back exit. I run down to the next block I jump over a fence and I turn the block to get back on to the street Im ducking I walk up beside the car I draw my weapon at the door I cant see inside, but I tell him to get out. I hear a car door open behind me the cops draw there weapons Put your weapon on the floor. I respond This man is trying to kill me Im fed up with this shit man I cant take it anymore. We will kill you if you dont put your weapon down. Ok I put the weapon down. I put my hands on the car the cop on the left side walks with his gun drawn over to the cars side of the window the engine on the car is turned he asks the person to step out the engine turns off. These are some of the slowest seconds of my life this shit is taking forever. I hear a pop glass shatters and the next thing I know the cop is on the floor the other cop goes to the other side of the car I grab the gun on the floor. I can hear the cop call for back up I hear the man turn on the engine. I get up with out thinking I get on top of the car over the hood and I shoot into the drivers area he hits the accelerator I jump off and the foot isnt moving off the accelerator I probably killed him. I call over to the cop I got him I got him. He says how do I know your not with them the officer on the floor Hes telling the truth. I throw my weapon on his side so he knows he gets up walks over and leans over his partner Back up at 2323 Douglas Ave. Officer down. tells me to stay back he tries to open the door, but it wont open he looks to me I say Break the glass. With the butt of his gun he breaks through the glass unlocks the door and pulls the man out lays him head down puts hand cuffs on him. He looks over at me and asks me whats going on I woke up and I looked out my window and I noticed the black sedan a man looking up at my window. I turned on the light went to the other room and watched one come up he-he came in to my house I called the cops and now where here. He looks at me Theres another one in the-the house. I say yes. He picks up the officer on the floor sits him inside the car. He gives him his gun and tells him to wait he

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 56 looks at me and tells me to show him my room. We walk up the stairs the door is still open I turn on the light and the man isnt inside anymore I look out the window and I see my car pulling away. I run out the house the car pull up to the cops side and starts shooting. I walk into the street and I run into the garage I walk back out into the street I cant believe what happened where Is she I look into the cops side and the cop is bleeding I drop the gun take off the gloves the cop comes out and just looks away the rest of the cop cars arrive they open their doors and draw their weapons I hear the cop behind me On the floor. The other cop says Put down your weapons hes fine chase the Grey Toyota Camry. Im crying I cant control my shit I say out loud shes got hes got her hes got her. The cop looks at me who My Girlfriend. I hear them radio out to the helicopter I hear all this commotion Im spilling so much emotion I hear the cops get into their cars the ambulance is on their way. I blank and think its been about two and half minutes I start running down the street I keep running I dont if I will ever stop. 23 October 23, 2016 Ring Ring ring bro are you going to answer the phone? I look at him he thinks on it and with an anger I have never seen in his eyes hes not completely their I can still tell he looks around and he asks me to answer I walk over to the phone I say wait in silence I dont know what one does in these situations I have never been in one in the movies the cops are usually their with there machines and they know what to do, but here were all alone. I cautiously answer the phone I wait something is supposed to come out, but I cant say anything. It felt like forever before anyone or any noise was heard than comes a musty voice the opposite of what I expected a voice that was a lot younger than I had thought the man said in the most regular way a person can tell someone else something Look away Keep Far and no one else will die I suggest you leave the country she is safe. Than the phone went dead what the fuck am I supposed to tell Quentin that all we have to do is wait and turn the fucking cheek. As the women he loves spends days spends time somewhere else with people that can easily erase he existence. I wait think about

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 57 what I should tell him I try to come up with something else I put down the phone slowly. Hes with his back to me hes sitting in a chair facing towards a television that is off. He stands up cleans his eyes I dont pay much attention to him I walk take a couple steps I look up. I say We Back off no one dies. Quentin responds it was one man they expect meto just do nothing to-to wait as they torturerape!. I hear his, but I dont know what it is he wants me too fucking do hes my brother, but Im not stupid Im not stupid about my shit I wouldnt be stupid for someone else. I tell him what he wants do Quentin respond, I want to go get her do something to get them to notice us get them to understand us. Ok what first what do we do first Take down the website the blog we take down Anthonys blog we cant keep updating that at least for now we have to wait until everything is done. I thought for a moment were smart we can find some other way to do this we dont need to get our hands dirty the government the elite have a lot of men from Ivy leagues kids with connections who have never worked for anything other than their grades. Us we have been fighting for our lives long before they even knew who we were. Those are instincts in us I got a plan. Lets head out of the city lets go somewhere for one week she will be out within a day trust me they dont want you losing your edge and doing something crazy they dont want any of us to do something crazy. We will have her call us as soon as she gets out she is to go home and find a way to get to a location we have set up without her being followed. Once she arrives at the location we head back without planes we will head back in a private plane. Private plane where the fuck will you get one? Quentin my friend theirs nothing money cant buy I still have all my money from the settlement. I dont know if I can leave her man I love her I truly do. Your not leaving her bro shes going to be fine she will be with us a cross the borders in a day. I walk into the other room I leave the door open I back into the wall and I just think I can hear Quentin. I dont break down into tears, because I need to be there for him, but man do I feel fucking bad not about this never will I hesitate to do something if it means doing the right thing. I jus I can hear him speak who is he speaking to someone who is speaking to I get up and walk a little into the hall just so I can hear who it is Yes. France its safer for us its where we have to be mom I have more than enough money you have some savings. I understand, but

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 58 they have tons of schools she can go to. Tell me now. Ok thank you mom Im going to purchase your tickets for tomorrow morning pick them up at the airport I will meet you once you arrive. I will. I love you too. Hey how are you? I fall back into the room I guess we are going this is happening faster than I could have possibly thought Im in Im in we have to find a way out of this all before we fall to this system its good that were doing this. I feel him staring at me Your ready man? I shake my head yes Im hungry Im going to go get something to eat I tell him I hate going out alone, because shit happens shit happens all the fucking time especially to us. I look at him and look away Im coming to hold up. We walk out the door man I missed shit like this when we used to go out it feels so good to the soul hanging out and just enjoying shit. I look at him wishing I knew what the fuck he was thinking maybe he is afraid or maybe hes completely gone over the line the line I wish I never have to cross a line I know Im extremely close to or I have been living over for a long time now. Were on out way to 23 I think its the best place out here or thats close to here an actor I forget his name purchased an old movie theatre and at first used the lobby and sold burgers very cheap and way better than all that shit out their, but eventually he cleaned up the old theater got some money together and was able to bring life back into the place. Its not just any movie that plays he usually has the best movie out at the time, which gives the people who might not be able to go further the option of never having to leave. The walk isnt far we used to take it all the time it was ritual for us once this is where we all went out to together for the first time we saw Drive it was a September to be exact I remember, because Rob got into a fight over some girl he liked the girl didnt even know his name, which was the funniest part. Its New York my fucking home I scram out laughing I saw a smile from Quentin, even though I could have gone through life much more differently shit is what it fucking is. We arrive at the movie theatre and their playing Animosity the movie is about corrupt cops ha what do you know. We grab our tickets for a later showing. Quentin order a bacon double cheeseburger I was like fuck that let me get two of those if these are my last days and this is my last super Im going to not give a fuck about what I shove down my mouth. I look over and its two beautiful girls and their laughing staring I ask them whats wrong Are you going to share? I say maybe and I sit with the girls and

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 59 Quentin. Quentin is tuning them out mostly while were talking these two girls seem really cool actually. They are students under grads and they came down to watch a movie out here I have a crowded head and maybe they can relieve me of some hidden stress. Were talking about things with hardly any substance things that dont mean much were just talking Quentin gets up and is walking towards the movie I get up he turns around and signals me to chill. I had no idea the movie has started I really didnt care about the movie I cared much more about getting to get to know these two girls. We keep talking the girls seem to be down, because they havent left either they never even paid for their tickets. They ask me if I want to leave somewhere with them I dont think when I should be thinking I say yeah. I dont even ask them how far they live, but they have a car and their dorm isnt that far the movie is 2 hours and about 23 minutes long I have time. These are those type of girls I get into the car and one of the girls gets into the back with I really wish they respected themselves, but than again Im not stopping her I dont even know her name, but I want to Im not going to ask the other girl in the front is just watching I hope shes paying attention to traffic. I cant feel anything anymore, because this girl is giving me head I want to leave, but Im trapped. She takes off her shirt and than her bra. Her friend pulls into the parking spot they have in the apartment complex and she climbs into the back they start kissing each other and I love it. They start playing with each other and they act has if Im not their each taking a turn with my dick in theirs mouths. She climbs on top I dont have a condom neither do they I want to push her off, but Im somewhere else tonight Im in between this girl I have never met and my hand is inside of another stranger. Im hoping my actions dont cost any more lives and that my ignorance doesnt overshadow my want for more my want to ignore this my fight to survive, but right now I meet my demise. I sink in the love given to me from two strangers who arent repulsed and are fucking me like Im paying them for it who are giving me everything as if I care about them. They probably have their reasons to reason Im all too familiar with I dont wish them bad I wont call them bitches Im just going to call it what is two of them three of me. Today is the last day Im 23 today is my birthday I had a tradition with Anthony we would go out on our birthdays and look at different Latino men and try to spot out or think about how it would he can be our dad. I dont

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 60 even see these two girls anymore I shed a couple tears and they dont even notice Johnson my last name sometimes I wish me and Anthony could have picked it my dad left and than my mom left and now Anthony left I fuck her harder she doesnt know my pain, but maybe she can feel it maybe she can feel what Ive been through maybe both of them can. I dont know when its time to go thinking up the past rattles the present I might not ever cum I come back to the back of the car and there working harder than ever I dont know if they care about me, but their getting their own and I can applaud that we all got our hidden demons we try to extinguish I guess I just found two girls who know how to balance them in their lives. Ther The feeling Ive thought about would it feel if it was extended over a longer period of time thats what we do this for. That moment that lasts seconds sometimes we spend a whole lifetime trying to get it until it cums ha. I watch the two girls has if its routine they lick it off my head I wont ever forget them how could I. I pull up my pants Dont you want to come up for more. I actually think about it how rotten am I of a person I mean I cant leave these two girls wanting more, but I have to take my stupid ass somewhere else anywhere else. I look at them just say bye their both still naked this may just be the worst thing I have done I doubt they mind. I open the door and I have my shirt off I walk as I put it on. I take a walk through the park its a shortcut I have only been gone for about 45 minutes maybe I can catch some of the movie with my good friend maybe like everything in this world the good comes at the end. Moving Together October 23, 2016 I have yet to sift through all that has happened, but this movie has really helped me it has helped me. I used to connect to movies especially romantic movies a lot easier, because of a love I lost Ive lost all of them, but being so close to lose this one I shouldnt do this to myself I should move far from the ones I love if James wants to come hes welcomed to, but I cant keep feeling this way about this women imagine I lose her I dont want to go through this shit anymore I dont want to have to feel the hurt of everyone

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 61 around me I dont want to deal with anyone else. I stare up at the blank white and black screen and when the vision is purposely blurred your mind comes to the forefront and thoughts are analyzed and seen much more easily. I walk out and Im still on this mode and I look James comes into view smiling fuck it looks like now were both ready for whats to come I can see it in his attitude. I walk down the street with him back to his place its been 3 years he lives a little more on this side, but he has money at least he knows its not all in the material possessions We walk into the apartment Im inside the elevator with him and I cant take it anymore I hit the side of the elevator once than I just start to hit it and I cant stop I keep on hitting it I wont stop I cant feel my knuckles anymore and I feel James try to pull me back I move him away and I keep on going Im not going to stop theirs no way I cant feel anymore everything is blurry I hope I come back maybe I dont deserve to. I get up its light out already I dont know how long Ive been out, but I finally she should come out today. I have four missed calls from an unknown number, but they left one I listen in Im out Im fine they just kept me isolated they never spoke to me they fed me this is the only call Im going to make to you. Im heading out to see your mom they left me out here in Los Angeles I Love You. I put down the phone I knew everything was fine I wanted to call her, but I didnt if she decides to do her own thing it would make my life easier a lot easier. I lay back in bed we werent leaving until later, but we had to be at the airport in two hours. I walk out the room and I walk up to the window and I notice the grey in the sky its still pretty dark out, but its not that early its kind of sign get the fuck out of this city at least for a while to make sure everything is alright. I look out and I think about it I think about my life. Im a Los Angeles kid thats where I lived all my life Im all about that shit, but I come out here and everyone that knows me knows me since New York I guess this city finished punishing me into being who I am I dont complain why should I shit is what it is. I feel a hand on my back I turn around and he says Your alright bro dont do shit like that anymore shes going to be fine man everything is going to be fine he smiles at me. I look him up and down and I just hug him I tell him hes my brother and that I love him I tear up a little and I tell him that shes out. He looks at me and turns around and goes to shower. I sit down and just turn on the television I fucking hate the television I cant believe people

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 62 do this shit for fun at all. I lay my head backI hear the door shut I took a nap it wasnt that long about twenty minutes fuck Im tired crazy fucking tired I get up I walk into the bedroom to get my towel I walk into the bathroom. I turn on the shower head and put it on heat I start thinking about a girl from high school this girl had the biggest breast the next thing I know Im stroking my shit I come to a point where I want to stop, but I tell myself that it will clear my head that I wont be as jittery the whole day. I think about her I try to set a place set the clothes or how much clothes she isnt wearing how she jumps at least in my head after having sex its much easier to imagine shit. Im about to finish but I slip and I fall through the shower curtain, which actually makes my fall smoother I laugh I laugh a lot I hear James Bro are you good. I get up turn off the water put a towel on and I just open the door yeah I just slipped. He just tells me to pick the shit up and I say that I will. I get ready and we head out we take a taxi cab the taxicab same old fucking taxi cabs their never going to make them luxury I mean they shouldnt their practically the metro just different colors newer colors a little more exotic and private than that. I watch the streets of New York I wont be long for much time I will be back I will be back with angst with new direction with a little more for the people that gave me so much I have hate for this government unlike any other they practically ran me and my family out without saying much just expecting us to go never look back without a say without a word without any help just fucking go. I tried my best to never be that guy who kills for no reason or at least everybody else who sees it happen or people he knows will think he took someones life for no reason I remember my dad coming home one day I was young I just remember the door being thrown open my mom runs out to the back with a bag and my dad strips down to his boxers he looks at me and smiles with a huge grin and just walks right by me. I still remember it I didnt ask about it than, but that is so highlighted in my memory I dont know why there is no picture about that scene so it could have not been just a picture tricking my memory. Well a couple years ago I asked my mom about it and she told me exactly I dont tell you much about your father I dont like talking about what he did I never wanted you to know, because he was such a good man to us and the people he knew. Your dad he did things oh things that would just have me packing things up practically out the door. A couple times I

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 63 did I would drive down the freeway get somewhere and run out of gasoline not being able to go any further. I would call your dad he would come pick us up and even help put everything back and promise everything would be better. Well on that night he had a meeting with one of his friends mark we used to call him your uncle well they were picking something up for someone. I didnt ask for whom I never did it was irrelevant to me if I didnt know I could keep a clean conscience it was evil, but it was necessary no matter what they did a lie detector test anything wouldnt be able to prove I was an alias to his activities, because I had you and your sister to worry about. On that day your talking about he did tell me a little more it was that he and Mark they went to the place this place and they picked something up I still dont know I asked him to simplify the story emitting what I shouldnt knowThey took it with ease a little to easy at least thats what your father thought they turned in what they got to the person who asked them to get it. On there way out a car starts following them a black truck they stop at a liquor store they know the men are going to follow them in your dad goes to the back and mark stayed at the front well they had an argument and mark got shot your dad held him in his hands until he went away. Your dad came home that night and it was the last time your dad came home maybe thats why you remember that moment so well and its imprinted in you, because thats the last time you saw your daddy walk through that door. I dont know what it was sometimes I feel like I want to know maybe just to relieve me and my mom of everything to leave it alone even if it was so long ago its very important to me and my raising, because I didnt have a dad my sister doesnt have a dad. I dont dwell much I try not to, because why why why. We arrive at the airport we got all our shit everything we need and we plan on not coming back here until shit chills at least thats what the country thinks, but we will be back sooner than they expect us to be back, because they watch us leave they actually dropped us off the black sedan that just pulled off completely tinted back and one can barely see through the front, but there they are with their suits doing what they do best watching the watchers. We walk in and I signal to James and he says yeah that he knows he saw them since they got onto the cab I didnt know that I guessed it, but I wasnt sure I guess they are everywhere fucking pricks. I walk in stand in line with James and the line goes by pretty quick it didnt

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 64 take very long. I smile at her and tell her to have a good day. I walk away we head to terminal five we didnt arrive as early as we wanted, but were still on time I look over to the left there is a guy who is pretending to talk on his phone just staring at us who I can bet wont even get on to the plane theirs a girl who keeps looking at me Im pretty sure she is with them too maybe Im just paranoid now maybe this shit is fucking with much more than I would want it too maybe I cant ever fight it off its something I now have to live something that will take over my life like when I used to walk through where I lived I would pride myself saying I was from los Angeles, but in all reality I fucking hated it man. I could die quickly at least more than in most places it wasnt fun looking over my shoulder and I wasnt into trouble, but sometimes trouble has a way of finding you without you looking for it they call it being unlucky I call it destined maybe others would argue that with me. I look away from them I put turn on my iPod and I watch a movie The Shining Stanley Kubricks maybe this isnt the best movie to watch in this situation, but I got to do something or Im going to get up and fuck one of these undercover losers to a bloody pulp. I have no idea what James is thinking, but hes talking to the girl beside him I dont want to bother him about the people he probably saw them already any ways he has a keen eye for that shit just like me. Out plane is ready to start boarding just on time I hate planes mostly, because of Final Destination movies really impact my life I dont necessarily fear them, but Im not fond of them. I get on and I have a window seat the man didnt come on he actually pretended to walk to the restroom Im pretty sure hes gone they always are they disappear with the same stealth they appeared I dont understand them working somewhere without any possibility they must have hardly any egos and a lot of self esteem problems ha. I laugh to myself I talk with James about the girl he was talking too. He says that the girl is daughter of a man who owns private planes she gave him her number to call her if they ever need to get some where off the coast of France. I laugh, because shit does fall together it always comes together when you truly want something it will find you maybe I wanted these problems maybe I sought them out not intentionally, but subliminally. The plane Flight attendant announces precautions and the routine that has to be spoken thoroughly and understood by the passengers incase of emergency. I look out my window I can feel

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 65 the excitement slash everything else I feel deep inside as we go over the city and we take off headed to new places. Foreign Language November 1, 2016 I dont know if she understands or sees things on my side. Its tough were talking about her son and the probability of me leaving him not for a month or two, but forever. I tell her how I feel I mean hes there, but I was kidnapped hes not even here he cant come back to the states until everything is ok. Can he have the job he always wanted can go down the career path he went to school for. Can he make the deaths of his two friends inspire him to stay away from this to leave this all-alone. He promises he didnt know he fell into this that this life is nothing compared to what he wanted for us. I try to understand him I try my best Im not telling her anything disrespectful Im just trying to get whats best for me if being in relationship with no end to this prosecution I dont think I can keep doing it. She stands up while packing her stuff up I packed I put the stuff in the car I packed I dont know why, but I packed just in case I do decide that he will give me the best Im not a gold digger none of that, but if Im going to die for him if Im going to be kidnapped I must know that he is the right one that he will be their for me and will protect me from it all. I also want to give Mrs. Laraza a ride to the airport thats the least I can do. She looks at me and tells me I never knew what was right love I didnt know who I was looking for when I found Edwin. I didnt even think I was looking, but when I found him deep inside I knew who he was to me or had a feeling about who he would eventually be. At that point I was caught just by what I saw if there was potential love it was hidden, but one night I was watching a movie with Quentins grandfather and someone knocks at the door. At that moment Im like no it cant be him it cant theirs any way Im in trouble. I hear the knocks, but I dont get up my dad looks at me and says mija open the door. I nervously open the door I see Edwin standing their in the door and has a bottle in his hand Im confused my dad asked me who is it is the person there for him or for me. I was utterly speechless I couldnt believe what I was looking at he walks through the front door bearing gifts

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 66 not for me, but for my father and he says Senor Gomez you quisiera ser novio de tu hija his Spanish wasnt the best he didnt have any Spanish blood in him, but he gave it a try I was pounding at my chest. My dad stands grabs the bottle smiles at him and tells him to watch the game with him. Since that moment I knew this was him a man whos culture was different who would never hear of that came into my house respected my dad I was completely in love after this act I was all in no matter what happened even if I didnt show it completely or follow all his moves I was going to be their for him no matter what. I had never heard that story before it was very beautiful I didnt think a man could care so much for customs I knew I what I wanted I just dont know if to follow logic or follow my heart. I watch Leila come home shes happy to see me its her last day of school she had all her things packed she looks happy about the move maybe it is the right thing for them to go, because being here where something could happen to such beautiful people would be a complete tragedy. I watch them put their things together and we make our way into the front lawn Im waiting for men in cars to appear and keep us from leaving, but the neighborhood is quiet everything seems fine. I put their bags in the right side of the back seat Leila asks me to put the things in the trunk and I say that its full and I look at Mrs. Laraza she just smiles quickly and looks back at the house, which she is leaving, but continues to own one day she can come back to it from today that day seems far. I continue to put the things away I get inside the car I watch as she closes up the house and I hear Leila talk about how much shes going to miss all her friends in school and how shes going to start high school in a whole other country that the boys are cuter in Europe. To be young what a gift a lot of us dont cherish it when we can we drink, we party, we throw it away doing things, because were young doing things, because they dont expect to encounter many 22 year old millionaires or 19 year olds with business ventures maybe with ambitions and dreams, but how many put the time into what they want. I enjoy the breeze I just listen to Leila and Elizabeth talk about stuff. A lot of it is funny a lot of it is nostalgic reminds me of my mom whom hardly calls me whom hardly remembers Im her daughter she blamed herself for my sisters death and failed to raise me as well as she could have so me not having it all she blames herself for that and refuses to help me refuses to acknowledge me

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 67 fearing the worst I presume. I think there is time for everything when someone is lost you think back enjoy the time spent together, but you hate that it had to come to an end it always does sometimes it ends much sooner than we like sometimes it ends for the right reasons, because thats how it was supposed to be their was no other possible way. I remember one day my sister Jaime was older than me she was about 10 years old at the time I believe I was about 6 years old she would pick me up from the 1st grade she was ready to go to middle school I completely admired her I loved her she was my big sister my hero my everything I loved playing with her. One day my mom decided we were old enough to go home together come on she was ten years old I was six years old. Maybe she could have taken care of herself only a little better, but taking care of me also was a complete responsibility for someone who cant see the trouble in it what it takes especially for another girl. Thats where the accident happened the accident I dread so much the accident I hate to think about I despise I can hardly remember anything else about my sister anymore, which truly hurts. We got on to the bus just fine we made it ok we were practically their we crossed the light when it was still green, but I ran a little I let go of her arm, because we liked to run on green instead of walking, but we didnt know this man was going to make a right turn I got to the other side faster my sister was right behind in some kind of way trying to protect me being behind me, because if shes in front something can happen to me. I can feel the hard push still the honks the screams the tire burning I can still hear it vividly it wasnt gruesome she didnt deserve it to be she is my angel she is my everything she still is she is my idol my own religion she saved my life I didnt know it then when the man grabbed me and picked me up moved me down the block as I cried, because my sister wasnt with me where had she gone where was she now she was just with me we were running down the street together we were enjoying ourselves, but in a blur a quick blur everything was what it was everything came to an end and I was forced to grow up on my own from that day on. My mom tried to be there, but couldnt ever fully forgive her self for such a fate for one of her own daughters. I look out my window trying my best to hold in the tears I could uncontrollably shed if I dont hold my feelings in I shouldnt, but I have to unless for now until everything appears fine until everything normalizes as best as it possibly can until theirs no more

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 68 doubt about our future until theirs no more fight about our jumped hurdles. I park the car in the loading zone I dont care if I leave it the car is a true piece of shit. I look around and help them pull out their luggage we get their luggage onto the platform. I look at them I smile I dont want to cry she looks at me and tells me to take care I look at her and I walk over to the trunk I pop it open. I pull out the only two bags and my backpack I smile at her and she says, You already knew the answer to your own question. I see a man I had cleaned out the car already before I left I pull out the DMV gift form the man looks nice enough and I hand him the keys and the pink slip I tell him to enjoy it. I mean I would only take it free I wouldnt pay a dollar over 2,000 for it. We walk into the airport our tickets had been paid for in advance we go straight to our plan after the forever long security check at least thats how it felt at the time. They go at it like their being paid millions of dollars like every single kid really has drugs on him, but this is what the world has come to. People take advantage of certain freedoms take advantage of someones trust and everyone pays for it. I watch as both of them go through they dont give Mrs. Laraza any shit they give Leila a little less I walk through and they study one to make sure their not nervous its all in the person. Its truly funny how when you walk by security and your not doing anything bad you dont feel a thing they never bother you they dont even turn to look at you, but as soon as you have something its like you posted a Facebook about walking out with something illegal in your pockets. Its all in the person when one can lie about being sincere thats when you know youre in trouble. I pride myself on a lot, but being able to do that isnt something I care much a lot about it isnt something I harbor or that I condone I just do it a lot and I do it well. I dont how I got on to this plane five different guns they arent for me, but their on how do I know they are I have a tracking device on the guns bag and its still within distance. TSA would have grounded the plane and had their machine guns down my throat already. I close my eyes and I look up and everything goes blank as I wake up. Theirs commotion everyone is standing up I cant see anyone I know well I cant see the Larazas I look for them frantically everyone is screaming everyone is running around. One of the flight attendants appears and tells everyone to sit relax that the threat is contained within the plan. I think its not me they dont have me in custody who must it be their making everyone go back to

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 69 their seats. I walk towards the back of the plane I see the pale faces of every single person on the plane I dont remember seeing all these people when I got on. I walk through the tight aisles I go through the curtain and appear at first class and I almost trip I accidentally bump a young lady she is extremely familiar shes young shes beautiful I dont know how old she might be, but shes older than me not much older, but I can tell I smile at her she smiles at me. I just keep walking I dont know why instead of talking to her I feel I should have I feel that I should have told her something I dont know why. I continue walking down the aisle I keep walking towards where all the commotion is coming from where the person is apprehended where this terrorist is being contained. I inch a lot closer to my destination there is a man by the entrance he grabs onto my hand he has rugged features not someone I know hes a threat I try my best to loosen my grip on him, but I cant hes pulling hard I dont why what did I do to this man why is he hurting me. I pull away and fall through the curtain I feel someone grab me by the neck hard extremely hard throw me onto the ground and a knee falls on to my back practically crushing me and their holding my hands behind my back. I cant even breathe I didnt how did they find out I guess I wasnt as convincing as I had previously thought fuck what are they going to accuse me of being. I feel something pull to the back of my head I hear some one say just say we had to kill her I turn around and I hear the bang. I awake Im still alive wow what a dream I get up and I head over to the restroom. I walk into the restroom I sit down I just think I feel much safer here away from everyone else. I break out I dont know why, but I cant control myself the tears are spilling out of me I dont know why maybe my sister, my situation with Quentin, maybe my fucking life. I cant keep doing shit for others how am I ever going to do anything for myself as soon as I got onto this plane I became his no matter what as much a slave as anyone can be legally, but I love him. I drop to the floor and I start rolling and shit like Im possessed on a childish tantrum I try to calm myself everyone must be outside the door waiting for the crazy person to show their face. I stop myself I grab on to the sink and I pull myself up barely being able to I feel weak I feel distraught destroyed mentally I dont know why. I look up at the mirror I see a beautiful women red/brown hair natural I never touched some blue eyes that can catch any boy in my spell. I dont know why I do this

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 70 to myself I have no idea why maybe I never will I hope I someday can find a way out a new way not by leaving him maybe I can find it with him. I flush the toilet I grab a hand full of water and splash it onto my face maybe than I will be better I feel refreshed I feel ready to move on. I walk towards the door with caution I slowly open it and come through as regular as I possibly can a lady stops me in the hallway Miss what was going are you ok? Should we call someone? I cant tell her I was crying that my life is completely shattered I respond that Im very fearful of flying its a phobia Im trying to get over and I went to the restroom instead of scaring other passengers with my anxiety. The bitch she smiles and says how thoughtful I smile back at her and just walk on through to my seat. I look out the window and I just lay there and fall back to slumber. I awake and people are moving I yawn I get up I grab my bag and head off the plane I walk up to Leila and she says that shes ready to see Quentin arent we all ready to see Quentin. I walk off the plane and I stretch I dont keep moving along the same line as everyone I slow myself down I linger I wait for these men to come out running with shotgun maybe that way I can just disappear on to the runway or some dumb ass movie escape. I wait a little longer I notice Elizabeth stare at me and laugh I laugh a long with her I put on my backpack and continue walking along with them, but my instincts are completely I havent felt like this in forever I dont believe I ever felt like this maybe in my speech class it was a feeling I couldnt get rid of I remember my speech teacher talking about how we eventually get over the anxiety one never gets over it you cant its a natural reflex one learns to live with it this heightened feeling where everything is over analyzed when youre the center of all the attention everyone watches you with their eyes completely peeled it really sucks. I feel like Im performing for all of these security guards and cameras who watch me who have their eye completely on me and I dont want to fail I want to pass I want everything to be fine I want it all to go well. I walk through the first line of security maybe it is like in the movies they wait to see what I will do and than they all pounce on me fuck I hate this I should have not brought those guns Quentin is going to be furious with me when he finds out I brought them oh fuck Quentin. I never have to show him I just dont want to be in jail especially in France. We are almost out this is taking forever it is holiday season I would have thought everyone

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 71 would be leaving not coming here. I wait a little and survey the area around baggage claim I see Leila pick out her bags and than Elizabeth I see my first bad and Im a little more relieved and I see the other one soon after I go to grab and I feel a cold sharp grab Im like fuck this is it jail for 20 years or something even worse I turn around and its Quentin he grabs and kisses me. I havent been more happy to see him in my life I nearly received a heart attack I practically passed out he lets me go and receives a huge hug from Leila Im ecstatic, but I also want to get the fuck out of here I want to go I dont want to come back here anytime soon maybe they didnt notice maybe they did maybe they didnt care. I ask Quentin where the car is he said the taxi is right outside I hurry out I dont care much about seeing them celebrate we can celebrate once were in a safe place, because I dont feel very safe here. I head out through the doors I signal the driver to open the trunk I throw my bags inside I get into the cab and I take a seat I wait. Im still holding my breath I havent given myself a chance to breath I havent even given my self some time to think a lot more clearly. I see them walking towards the car Leila gets in next to me Quentin gets in after her, and Elizabeth sits in the front seat I watch the car pull away I watch as the car pulls away its like a clock was counting down like my fate wouldnt end with me being grabbed in a airport for gun running. I turn away from the airport I leave the airport for the first time mentally I look out to my left and their it is France skies what a beautiful place nothing like the cities I have always lived in I have forever wanted to live I had forever wanted to be a princess in Paris. I remember watching Anastasia at a really young age I didnt know much than, but I did know she had been through a lot she was a fighter. She was also extremely beautiful I never was one for tuning into the princesses or playing with barbies not from what I can remember. I loved watching cartoons, but the time I did watch a princess movies it was Anastasia and I was caught I didnt know why possibly, because she didnt have what was rightfully hers she didnt care much for it, but it was her. I know I have had a lot through go to I know that I have lived my life as an excuse for most of it trying not to owe my sister anything, but truth is that I owe her this I owe her a good life I owe her my struggle my fight.

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 72 Randalls Law November 8, 2016 I called James about 50 times I dont know what it is with him. I got him and that other stupid ass out of prison. I have given these guys a lot I have given these fucks all of it. I dont know whyI just want to be friends with them. I caught the bus with to see them Im out in New York defending this man Jeremy caught with some cocaine. I am not the biggest fan of New York Im from a suburb outside of Chicago my parents raised me much more civilized than these city rats. Even thought they raised me with country values I always wanted money and the materials thats how I am. I walk up the apartment building where James lives I try the door I dont have time the only thing I get to spend, but can never earn. Wow the door is locked how will I ever get in. I wait by the side that girl across the street wow she is beautiful I hear something, but I dont care I look to my right and I notice a drift of wind oh the door I miss it barely fuck, but someone is coming out. I smile at the person and I walk on right through the man at the front door tries to grab my attention I guess, because he hasnt seen me I practically jog through the lobby I hit the elevator, but it doesnt arrive and the man at the desk is still staring at me I run across to the stairs I run all the way up to fourth floor. Wow I need to run a little more this shit gets me winded quickly I prop open the door I bend down quickly and I catch my wind. I walk towards his door I knock once I wait I wait its an anxious wait I want to talk to this kid I want to know what is that they are thinking or at least him. I look through the peephole, because when lights are on you can see movement maybe its just shadows maybe its something else. I dont see anything as a matter of fact I feel that the lights are completely off I dont like this shit and I did not come all the way out here to not be able to talk to these assholes. I look down the hall hoping I see him I walk to the middle of the hall and there is a huge window and one can see the window in his room I look to see if the light is on. Nope looks like no one is fucking home. Im not the type of man that quits well I wanted to talk to him, but since he isnt here he wouldnt mind if I take a peek inside his house. I put on my favorite mask its my favorite mask, because it was given to me as a young child. I pull out

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 73 this lock picking tool one of my good friends gave me a while back Jack how I miss the guy. At first the first time I used it to get into the locker of this girl I liked It took me about two hours to get it to open. Since I have become more efficient and much better at picking simple locks. Most standard apartment buildings in United States have stock lock and a lot of time their much cheaper than stock I dont know how one gets cheaper than stock, but their out there. I slowly pick it my mind isnt even completely here their cant be anyone that sees me that would be stupid on my part get my dumbass thrown in jail. The door slowly falls open its dark really dark I look around and I cant see anything. Their gone, but how I look around the room I guess he did leave I wonder where he went. On vacation of course not maybe he couldnt take the inner city shit and he just decided to leave, but that couldnt be his television his movies all his shit at least most of it. At least I know hes coming back not sure when, but eventually maybe he didnt even go out maybe he just went to pick something up to eat fucking James Im going to wait for him right here Im just going to mind my business Im not one for sitting in the dark, but its what has come of me lately being made to sit through the dark. I dont like what these boys have been up to I dont like it one bit and I want that shit to fucking stop. I look around the dark with some beautiful shades of light shooting through the window, which make out that Im sitting here, but thats it one wouldnt be able to tell without turning on the light. I left the front door barely open to give him a chance to do something I havent been one for just doing these things without a fair warning and I believe this is enough. I can hear the elevator door open its nine oclock I hope its him I have something to get to later on tonight I dont want to have to be late. I feel the steps inch closer towards the door and the steps suddenly stop how do I know its him I hope hes smarter and maybe he runs I dont have time come in already. I put my hands in my pockets I wait I wait a little more the door is knocked on a couple times and Is flown open I can see the man staring directly at me, but he cant completely make me out not in the dark at least. He doesnt know whats about to hit him he steps a little closer I can see his eyes peel and I take one shot at him. The blood spills into the hallway well I hope theirs no one in the hallway, because I dont want to be responsible for the death of someone innocent. I got him in the shoulder I dont think I killed him, but he

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 74 is going to get what he deserves I inch closer to finally kill him James. James I didnt want to ha Its not him its the man from downstairs the fucking door attendant he has a note in his fucking hand what am I going to do. The man is spitting blood his eyes all red I didnt want this, but I cant save his life anymore hes seen too much. I press the button to finally close his fate one to the head it wasnt as messy as the shot to the fucking shoulder. I pick an envelope in his hand, which has my fucking name on it their was two fucking doormen now I have to go get the other one I mean it doesnt say my name, but it does say to my lawyer. I grab the man by his feet drag him in pull the door shut and lock it from the inside. I put the mask away I put the gun away I walk down the stairs I put this sock thing on I always like to cover myself with more than one thing one can never be too sure I put down my sweater or the camera might recognize me I take off my shoes. I put them by the exit I crack the door open to get ready to leave. I look down the hall I dont see anyone Im hoping these people dont just appear, because they have a tendency to just appear. I walk slowly and with precision I wear a certain type of sock so no one can take fucking footprints or some stupid shit. He hasnt seen me I dont want him to I hate having to stare the people I kill in the eyes I pity them those fucking animal especially when they dont mind their own fucking business. He still has his back to me I draw the gun Im staring right at a boy with pizza in his hand I take a shot at him, and I put the gun to the back of the mans head and I blow it apart I walk out the front door. I walk into the street I run into the alley I head back around the cops will be here in no time. I grab the mask I tuck the gun into my back I pull the back door open I put my shoes on I throw my jacket back on I put my earphones one and I get out a floor below where James lives. I slowly walk to where the elevator is and than I pull off my gloves and I put them in my pocket. I walk into the elevator with a young lady a brunette she looks beautiful walking her dog shes about to get a fucking kick out of this I want to see what the fuck it is she does. How crazy does she go I really want to know I hope she doesnt let me down. Now I have to act surprised one more floor to go oh how wonderful. I crack a smile at the girl she asks me if I live here and I say no I have a friend here I let her go through first she looks back smiles and says bye. She turns the coroner than I just here her scream I run a little ohh wow who could have done this. I ask her

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 75 to dial 911 that Im in a hurry stupid bitch they are all stupid. I stick around a little more and I ask them if they saw, which way the man ran one lady says that she saw the man run out into the street. I act shocked Im actually very proud of myself. I watch as the bus pulls up I hurry outside and get myself into a seat. We make another stop and than a lady comes on to the bus trying to take my seat I dont care if your old Im young I need my fucking energy lady. She stares at me with these deep stares that just make me smile this lady is very cute and funny how the fuck does she expect me to get up for her. Im only in this piece of shit for one more bus stop than I have to get off, because I have to be at a friends house by 12 wow this day has been more than I asked for at least Im safe at least Im safe I cant say the same for those two men I mean three men where are my manners at least I should respect the ones I have killed. I finally have some time to open this fucking letter for my lawyer thats why I hate this prick these fucking kids I give them my fucking all and they dare not acknowledge me as a friend they have the balls to hardly talk to me unless their in trouble, which is all the fucking time. I tear the letter open. Dear Randall, We appreciate your help we appreciate you being their for us especially in the time we need you. You have been a great man a true professional. If we ever need you hopefully we dont ever see you again ha at least not in court well thank you for everything Randall I hope you find yourself with health and continue your marvelous job of defending. Went away on vacation wont be back for a very long time take care of yourself. I dont know who I hate more this lady that wont quit staring at me or this animal who wont need me anymore ok James ok. My bus stop arrives the lady looks more pissed than ever I quite frankly dont give a fuck about what she thinks if I did I might have given her my seat, but since Im such and evil degenerate she has too wait just like everybody else. I arrive to the house of one of my long time friends brother more hes a fucking senator Charles I cant wait to see what he has in store for us tonight I walk into to the building. The man at the door tall man a bouncer maybe one to hand combat he would kill me, but one bullet to that huge head of his and he wouldnt be doing much moving at all I smile at the big guy. I walk through the door and Im accompanied by two men up to the top floor come on these guys ride the fucking elevator with me I would hate them I hate them to death I still dont know why I dare associate myself with these

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 76 type of people. The man to my left his name is Ricky well at least thats what I know him by. Hes big I have seen him a couple times I have also heard a lot of stories about this man. Charles was telling me how they had a problem with a man a couple men not just one and this son of a bitch blew up their whole dam house during a Christmas party ha. The other guy the one too my right is always serious I dont know him well I actually dont give a fuck about him I could give a fuck what his retards name is ha. The elevator finally comes to a stop they have to put a key in and than a pass code this shit is fucking crazy I dont know either since they make me turn around every time I come in. I walk into the living room I can hear Charlie speaking amongst silence I walk closer and can see Senator Charlie and a couple others young men in politics they all stair towards me they cant see me, but they can certainly hear me. I go over to Charlie and I shake his hand the rest of the men I dont even notice I pay them no attention. They are all new to this he said he was doing some recruiting they dont have any idea wants in store. I begin to speak to the crowd about shit I feed them shit if their smart enough they should rebuttal its good at least I know, which ones I can take advantage and the ones that I know wont go far at all. All of them have blindfolds on all them are speaking they think they know who they are speaking too, but we have are voices muffled. It took me so long to get to the position I am in and these men might be older than, but I have been doing this much longer. Its my turn to pick the ones I decide can join our fellowship and the rest fall by the side and are put down slowly. The men have nametags and look more scared than excited I guess they dont want to have to be left. I stand up they cant speak they cant stand unless given orders to do so. I walk to the first one I cant see the boys eyes, but he has blonde hair kind of short Harvard graduate I dont pick him. I keep going I pick the next three before coming to a dark haired nice cheek structure bone structure whatever, but he isnt moving and he seems fairly tall I skip over him. I keep going pick the next five and I come to the last one this one has no hair none at all and MIT man wow a genius Mark I smile and I dont touch him. Charles speaks in a muffled voice The ones chosen may stand I move the eight men in the right direction what a pity. We go down the elevator this time there isnt anybody just Charles, me, and the boys. Charles speaks Enjoy your night. As we exit the elevator we put the boys into the

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 77 back of a limousine. The boys arent doing anything none of them struggles they act accordingly and all of them listen. The driver knows where to go I dont have to tell him anything he knows where we have to go I dont speak to him the driver never sees me I have no contact with him none at all. Its been twenty minutes some of the boys are sweating maybe they wish they would have not come well who knows. Im just a spectator before I get off the limousine I put a mask on all eight of the boys. I put the sock thing over my head and than I put on the mask. I tell the boys to walk out of the car two men await outside they take the boys where they are supposed to go. I walk up the front I go along the side I can barely see anything in the darkness I find my seat and than our Jira appears I have never seen him without the mask only so many of us have I sometimes wonder if he is the president of the united states. Maybe he is who knows some of the people in here are very recognized in the social sphere around the world it would be a shame if people ever knew what these men these who they worship who they elect to run the country do with their spare time. I dont have any judgments I know many of them I know ones after me and my big brother Charles I dont know anybody else its a great way to keep checks on people I applaud them for their level of privacy they have acquired. Flames are ignited no light is turned one why would we want to spoil a lovely darkness with any sort of man-made light. Now fire isnt man made its a mixture of chemicals reacting upon one another elements at their finest six torches are lit we cant see the men beside us they are their thats all I know that at any given time there is about five hundred people during a ceremony. Our jira bows we hum Aghhhhuuuuuuliiii. And we repeat it every time getting louder and louder until we feel it within us. The eight men I picked come out on to the floor and form a circle around him the men are made to stand. The two men aiding our Jira take the boxers off the boys. Now these boys looks even more scared if they were scared before the look on their faces is amazing this is amazing. Our Jira finally stands he looks over at all us of us stretches his hands out never speaks never ever speaks. The men pull out knives and cut the men clean a stab into the chest and slowly pull out their hearts. Its savage, but its right only three will have their hearts ripped out. They mean more than they must feel they do they are doing it for a reason sacrificial offering they are a part of this ceremony without them

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 78 what would we do. I watch as our Jira receives the two hearts he grabs the first one and squeezes the blood into a golden bowl the vie. Our Jira does the same to the rest of the hearts. Once the blood is in the Vie one by one we make our trip to drink from the blood of the sacrificed. A lot of the men here are fags I personally am not, but these men fondle the other five boys these boys arent allowed into our fellowship these men will be drugged wake up tomorrow morning in a hotel each one separate with an envelope inside it a certain amount of money, but they will never know us never associate with us unless they begin to speak and thats a whole other topic. I walk into the main banquet where I get to pick from the finest women all of them naked its more private you dont know the women she doesnt know you, but you fuck her like shes known her all your life and she fucks you just the same. Not holding back for anything its just penetration through the vagina anything else would be blasphemous to the women no oral or anal sex that is frowned upon no real women should ever do that. The women are recycled its a bad way of putting it, but its the truth their has been time when women try to cause a scene lets just say that they women dont get a second chance. The girls are usually virgins very young some not even eighteen, but we cant tell especially I cant I mean the pussy is tight, but I dont complain. Im no animal any other man wouldnt hesitate to sleep with one of these women if she was throwing herself at them with such persistence the persistence these women inhibit how they carry themselves each one of these young women will be something in life after this day maybe not immediately, but someday they are on the right path. Its forbidden for them to speak not one word out of their mouths other than sexual moans. I study the women I want I get what I want they spoil us here our Jira makes sure we get the best and he doesnt settle for anything unless its the best. I pic the girl about my height she has a red dress on I grab her by the waist I signal her to pick a room she picks one. I like her as soon as we walk in she has her dress practically off I dont tell her anything I just lean over her and start fucking her I dont feel like it takes forever anymore it all comes naturally now I remember the first time I found myself struggling I wasnt a virgin, but I was quite nervous I felt like everyone was watching me I felt everyone knew, but now I try as much to please them as they please me I just really give a lot to the way I fuck them I dont take this gift for granted not

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 79 ever. A couple minutes later I come inside her and she waits I get my clothes on and I walk out the room I make a turn towards the exit and I get the fuck out of their I dont sit and wait for the girl than I start feeling bad as shit. I ask the limousine driver to take me back to where we came from. I love this shit I jump up and down I cant leave with anyone unless they I fucking love the girl that much with my big brother or my little brother. That is it my Big brother is back in his house and my little brother was killed not so long ago. I dont mind it I loved the guy though its part of life we all got to go sometime thats why Im enjoying this the most I can and I certainly can enjoy myself. I hope out the cab I knock on the door to signal the driver that he can leave if he desires. I walk into the building the two men same two men I came up with before are still their I wonder how much they are paid to sit in a elevator the whole fucking day. I dont tell them anything why would I, I could give a fuck if the elevator collapses with them in it they are getting paid at least I hope they are ha. I walk out on to the floor I pull up a chair I have a muffled voice the boys are still kneeling the three we picked its been forever since we left I cant believe it every time I get back this act of devotion never fucking ceases to amaze me wow I cant say the say for the other eight their soldiers, but maybe we felt they didnt have the stones necessary for this so some were raped some were killed today and some were initiated. Im sitting in the chair laughing Im pretty sure they are fucking lost if not past the line of insanity it gets oh how it gets me Stand they all stand Im pretty sure theyve been aching too its been three long hours its exactly 3:23 in the morning their time for initiation all three are given in oath to recite I am a student I must learn from my powerful brother through my ever lasting love for the Jira. I sell my soul to my fellow members I wish to become a more than just a human I wish to become one with the rest of the fellows I wish to join the new movement. I submit my will to you. I give them a rulebook a handbook with what they must follow and I put them in elevator this isnt the end of their initiation there is one last part of it. They head down the elevator I head down the emergency stairs I get into a cab in the front. The other two are followed by someone too the cabs in front of the building all belong to us. The boy has never seen me he doesnt know me I ask him where he is headed. If he is going to speak he is going to speak now. I know where he lives now why and

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 80 how; because he just told me I know how he looks I know everything about this young man. Now all I need to know is if hes loyal. I wait he doesnt speak he doesnt say anything actually than he gets a call. It was the Mark kid thats why I wanted to follow him if he is a genius or just another boy. He answers and he doesnt speak he just listens Yes,buokyesI can do thatnono problem. Fucking kid talking to his mom or whatever the fuck hes doing at least he didnt speak I feel the kid move and through the open space in between the seats he attempts to choke me he gets a hand around my neck. I dont understand what the fuck did I do I have done nothing, but been loyal I know this boy isnt going to kill me. I slaw into an embankment I climb out of the car I grab the little fucker hes still alive I take his phone hes saying and crying that they were orders he didnt want to do it. I grab my knife stab him once in the face and than I do it again and again I fucking have had it with this shit. I dont give a fuck about this kid I dont give a fuck about any of this shit I dont understand why it is that they my brothers tried to have me killed I respond to the phone number done. I dont keep the phone I pull the battery out throw it one direction and throw the phone the complete opposite way this was a sloppy kill, because it was super unexpected they want to see sloppy Im going to show those fuckers sloppy. I sit by the car with a knife in between a boy I saw with such high hopes who is now dead, because of some stupid fucks. Among Friends November 8, 2016 Quentin left me all alone to do this shit man I don't know where I fucking am I wish I did though. Some of these people are looking at me like Im a fucking alien I pay them no mind. Fuck I just hope Jane didn't forget me or even worse maybe she sent some one else. Am I going to be ambushed or some shit I would never appreciate something like that. I sit in a cafe across from the where the girl said we would meet. That's how I am that's how Ive always fucking been I love taking precautions and this is just one of the many I'm willing to take especially in a country like this. I wait a little longer, but I did get here a little earlier than I was supposed to. I see her walking

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 81 down the street with shades on I don't like a women with shades I'm hoping she respects me and takes them off or maybe she goes about it the only way she has ever known. I wait until she sits down and than I head over I give her a hug. She smiles and she takes off her shades. Such light brown eyes I had never seen something like it at first she looked ok, but in France she looks beautiful Im fucked I hope this works. I laugh with her and her jokes trying not to laugh so much or look desperate, but Im getting sweaty and everything I have picked up over the years is going out the window. I ask her what she does well she's a schoolteacher I ask her where she is from half Italian half French what a combination. I rarely am one to get hooked on a girl after knowing a couple things about her, but this girl has got my number she is fucking me up mentally. I stand up I give her my hand and tell her it's been nice to know her and that Im leaving she looks puzzled. I laugh I had to break the ice at least for myself I wouldn't feel as bad about it. That Im working up hill when talking to this girl. I tell her to take a walk with me I could honestly give a fuck about this girls father, but that's the mission, but I don't feel like using the girl I would have I should have I probably still will, but I want to keep close contact with her she seems really nice. I ask her why she found herself teaching and she responded that she doesn't really attribute it to anything it's just something that happened along the lines. She hated her teachers and a lot of times she found herself wondering why they couldn't be funnier and make teaching funnier. I laugh oh so you decided to be fun huh your a fun teacher. She laughs my students like me, but Im not as fun as I would like to be. I notice her English is awfully fluent not similar to others I thought it would have more of an accent like my speech teacher, but it doesn't it's comparable to mine, which doesn't say anything good about me. I ask her about it why she doesnt contain much of an accent well I dont live in France she responds. Im only here visiting my dad she has always spent of the winter vacation with her father and half of it with her mother. They divorced ages ago she said so long ago that it never really affected her in any way. Im proud to hear that I happen to have lived without my parents theyre at all, well not at all, but when they were there it was the same as if they would have been gone. I dont blame them they made decisions werent the best lucked them out early. I look at her and laugh I ask her where she lived mostly she replies that she was born

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 82 in the United States and grew up in Chicago. I guess I was trying my best to find an accent that was clearly never there. We keep on walking she doesnt say much, but she is amused to how I react to the smallest things the smallest actions of mines, which I found really cool. How I am able to amuse a girl other than in bed ha I laugh to myself she asks whats so funny its my hair huh I spread out my hands and say no no no your fine your beautiful I was just smiling. Fuck did I just say she was fine and beautiful dam what the fuck is wrong with me she is staring at me with some wonderful eyes. I have never had my heart broken at least in a relationship with another girl. Since my parents I havent let anybody else in and just on principal this girl is making her way inside I dont understand how I dont understand why Im letting myself be so vulnerable Im no pussy thats something I so lamely pride myself on. I would hit the kid that would talk shit I would be down for my shit when my pride was put on the spot. It was what helped me and my brother had to survive for so long all by our selves in a world where they try to break you until theirs nothing left of you. She tells me how when she was younger she really wanted to become an actress, but through it all she wasnt able to life doesnt hold the bills for you is what she said than I told her how I sometime Rap make Hip-Hop at least I used to with my brother I told her. I guess I said brother, because deep inside I do want her to ask about my brother where is he? How is he? Who is he? She doesnt say anything I wonder why maybe she doesnt want to know I wouldnt want to know. I ask her what she is doing this weekend she tells me how every time she visits her dad throws an intimate party and invites people a lot of people. Thats what she is going to be doing tomorrow I smile she asks him me if I want to go. I try to play it off seeing as I have to be on a boat to the United States by Sunday. She insists I agree making sure its only tomorrow for one day she guarantees it Im kid of extremely happy she invited me. I tell her how this coming Sunday my friend and I were looking to rent a plane and a pilot to get into the United States off the books. She laughs why off the books oh I just dont want to deal with customs. I tell her maybe we will see how you do the rest of today and tomorrow. Now I have to stick around if I wanted to skip out I couldnt possibly do it. I tell her well okay if we are going to walk around France for the rest of the night we have to go eat somewhere anywhere to be exact I ask her if they have a

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 83 McDonalds here. She laughs of course we couldnt go to the edge of the world without a McDonalds is what she responds and than she asks if Im serious about eating that in a foreign country. I laugh and say yeah we head to the closest one and surprisingly just like in the states they are located only a certain number of blocks from each other, which is crazy to me I dont know how McDonalds does it, but they know what their doing. I walk in and its I dont think there is one in the world that doesnt get full at least once in the day and this is that time. I order a number one a fucking Big Mac I had to with a sweet tea and two coffee milks it gets really close to a Thai Tea I call it the poor mans Thai tea. She order a Chicken Sandwich with Cheese and a frap I dont understand women and their tastes I never will. We go to sit down, which isnt as regular as always its different first off I never pay for the girl Im one who decides to keep shit casual I keep it all casual, but I paid for her this time I dont know why I guess I am falling for her a girl I just met. I walk with her for a little longer and Im fucking loving this city I dont know why, but its getting to me like you wouldnt know its architecture it is visually pleasing. I can hear Jane speaking, but I pull out my camera and I start taking pictures I hope Im not annoying her, but when I get in this mode theirs no stopping me I want to take pictures of every single thing I find visually pleasing I dont give a fuck I just snap away. I dont care about how the picture is contrast or any of that shit I just want to be able to see what I saw through the eyepiece. I remember one time when I went video recording with Quentin when we had our little crew going he was going to come out in the shot so he made me shoot the video and wow I just gave that shit back to him. He wanted me to adjust the fstop number move around the shutter speed make sure I can balance the lighting I was fucking mad at him for that shit every time I did shoot with the camera I just shot what I thought was visually pleasing I never gave him any say I dont think I ever will were just better off that way. Way better off that way I laugh about it. Before she can acknowledge that Im single word responding I tell her to back up a little and I start taking pictures of her a lot in different places I dont know why I do, but I do I act spontaneous I believe women do love that or maybe Im saying some shit I heard in a movie. She smiles at me and I wait she doesnt ask to let me see them I see a confidence in her she doesnt portray low self esteem

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 84 any other girl would be awfully mad I took a picture of them without them having time to get fixed I put the camera away. She asks me what I was doing and I tell her that when I see something visually pleasing something amazing something with wonderful aesthetics I come to take pictures and I cant stop until Ive satisfied my need am I crazy I ask her. She smiles and she says no that when she encounters the same she just cant seem to take her eyes off of it and she holds her stare on me and me trying to make her blush actually makes me shake a little. I laugh a little and we keep walking in relative silence and she stops looks over the edge of a bridge and she say I havent been one to be stupid I havent one to act on much. I have been most of the time chill usually very passive, but one thing I have always kept my guard up against is men since my dad would tell me that they were evil they were only looking for one thing to bed a women. I saw men with that face my whole life I still do Im a lot easier on them, but I still despise their goals. Ha, well theirs something about you Mr. Johnson Im not so sure what it is, but I had to say it their something about you. I look at her like what the fuck does that mean. I dont know what to say I have to say something and all that comes out my mouth is theirs something about you too. She laughs not what I expected from her, but its better than what I expected. She puts her hand tucked into mine sort of like in the Wizard of Oz and at one point she certainly tries to make me skip. Or maybe I just do it instinctively I try to skip. She tells me that were almost at her house its actually down the block she tells me to stop close my eyes count to ten and turn and that I am able to than leave. I turn Im thinking shes going to stab me this street is awfully lonely I can hear her steps fading Im on one I hope she doesnt leave me two this cant be it she said she was going to see me tomorrow three I cant hear her anymore four I heard a door shut five shes gone six maybe she is only playing seven this is lame eight shes playing me Im a fool nine this is enough ten my phone vibrates. I lift my vision and I turn around shes no where in sight its just a bunch of houses lined up against one another I cant remember being in a scarier place. I continue walking down I dont see her in any of the windows I stop in the middle of the block and I attempt to catch her in one of the windows. I pick up my phone to look over the text message she sent me the first reads my dads number and the second one read I had a great time you make time fly

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 85 by cant wait to see you tomorrow. Im feeling like a fucking kid I run down the block screaming like crazy I dont even want to get back to the house I want to sleep in the street naked I want to run around like a free bird ha I want to have a little more freedom I want to live a little more before I have to die. In Doors November 8, 2016 I feel a nerve in me about having them by my side all of them James, My mother, My Sister, and Kerry I dont know why, but I feel these are my problems and I dont want them to be here if something happens. I have made a lot of strides recently and I dont want them to be lost at that I want them to be known I want them to be realized. I walk over to my sister I give her a kiss on the cheek and I ask my mom where it is that she wants to go she says you know what we just got here Im extremely tired from that plane ride I have to start unpacking seeing as Im going to be living here for the next couple of years I just want to relax son order some food put on a movies. Im stunned I cant believe this I truly do need some therapy I dont know what movie I could put that they would absolutely all feel good about watch I know my sister loves batman I dont know why maybe, because my mom does to weird huh. Kerry she doesnt get to decide ha and theirs no greater fan of Chris Nolan than me. I get on top of the sofa and I announce were staying in tonight watching the Christopher Nolan batman trilogy and ordering some French Chinese food. I dont care about the reaction of the people I do and its a good one I tell my mom to drop the bags that isnt happening today there is no way Im letting that happen on our first day together in a long time. I get on the phone and I order Chinese food it gets difficult for me I dont know why, because Im expecting the operator to speak French, but she speaks English perfectly fine, which fucks my shit up. I guess Im experiencing culture shock on a minor level how conformed France has become to their English speaking tourist I guess money is spoken in English. The lady is very nice she insists the food will be great and that we have nothing to worry about being with the people one loves really blinds one from the negative really keeps someone from seeing true colors until it all

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 86 falls apart. Were awake after batman begins I guess they do pride themselves on the food, because its still not here maybe they forgot. I call down again and the lady says the food is on its way ten minutes later theirs a knock on the door and its just like in the movies. Im astonished how well were treated I was used to so much discrimination and mixed racism I felt like I never wanted to leave they were doing a great job of bringing the kid out of me a new of me. We eat and we watch the Dark Knight I still remember when I went to see this. I remember I was so fucking excited about it I read through the script in the morning I was like what the fuck and I was able to see the first six minutes online, which didnt let me down at all Im pretty sure that opening scene is what truly makes the film it brings it together it accomplishes what hes trying to get across I think that as a film would win short film awards around the world thats how good the beginning is. I remember walking out of the movie theater with some old friends and talking about how I wanted to blow shit up thats what I was thinking at the time I was taken a back by the performance of heath I didnt know he would be able to do something so awfully well it was certainly scary. I still remember the nostalgia the nostalgia brought on by all this good junk food. Its this is great I look over at my sister and she is so locked on to the movies I look over at my mom and she raises her hands to clap at Ledgers performance and I look over at Kerry and Im pretty sure she hasnt seen this movie, because she isnt relaxed at all her head is practically by the television and she is all focused on to the movie. I take the movie out and I make a short speech about being with people I love it goes something like this I have done some things that could have had you once second guessing how we would be able to make it together or how it would all look in the end, but this isnt the end and strides are certainly being made I appreciate you all coming out here and being with me here at this time. I love you all and here it is the last part to our wonderful night. I turn around I smile and I put the movie into the player. I go to sit down by Kerry she has seen the movie and I can see sleep winning against her by the time were half way through the movie I can see my mom and my sister have both fallen asleep. I grab my sister and I take her into her bed I lay her down I lay down beside her and I just flow into the night.

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 87 Strange Affairs November 9, 2016 I wait at the door I havent been this anxious to meet someone or see someone and I dont relatively care about the family. I mean she has me in a actual cloud nine I can barely think thats how I feel right now. I look over my shoulder to see if anybody else is here I dont hear much of anything no one is coming to the door I knock one more time I raise my hand I lean in and she answers the door. Jane extends her hands across and leans into towards me such a big hug I feel just like a fucking kid. I hardly return the hug I stand in the middle of the living room looking to be swarmed by stares of her family, but no one is their its just me and her no one else I feel a lot more relaxed. She tells me to wait out back that she will be out their soon Im like out back whats out back Im thinking in my fucking head I dont want to go out back she looks at me and signals walk through that door and go out back. I feel weird as Im walking out to the back I turn the knob and god dam Its actually what I expected their more together when one sees a movie theirs usually corners of the family grouped apart the kids are some place the dads are somewhere and the moms are somewhere else, but no its one long table everyone sitting down its me about 15 feet from the table the door slams behind me a little harder than I expected. Everyone is just staring at me no one is saying a word what the fuck is going on Im thinking in my head oh wow whats happening with me. Im kind of shaking the last time I stood in front of French people like this was in front of my high school speech teacher ob this feeling I want to duck and leave. I wonder how much time has passed everything is heightened it feels like days, but its the exact opposite I doubt two seconds have even passed. I take a step I guess Jane her dad is the one who breaks the silence with a huge laugh and everyone follows with a laugh Im like phew fuck that shit is over he comes over and gives me a big hug and a hand shake. I walk around the table and everyone gives me a handshake at least the men and the ladies give me half hugs when they use one hand and smile very close at you. I look over at the door open and in a all black dress more beautiful than as beautiful I had seen her the night before she makes her way outside I wonder if her family noticed that Im completely lost on

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 88 her I dont know why I mean I know why, but its fucking crazy its amazing she is amazing she is new to me she is the absolute best thing that has happened to me in a long while. I get up and I signal to her where it is that I sit and she tells me right their only one seat next to me that must mean thats where she sits I try my best to play it off yes a kid next to me I work well with kids or older ladies Im just a nice guy like that. The kid isnt the same as all the others his name is Jack and than he just stares at me funny and starts laughing I dont know what the fuck is up with everyone I look over to my side and their she is sitting down right next to me she smells so well I cant make it out, but it isnt harsh its inviting its soothing I just want to put my nosHer dad stands and asks the visitor to talk about himself I dont what I do Jane signals me to stand Im like fuck this is going to be exactly like that speech class. I stand I look over I find some nice eyes I guess one of the aunts and I just try to make that my focal point as I speak making sure to not leave emphasis or she might suspect something else. I start off by talking about how thrilled and thankful I am for Ms. Altier inviting me to enjoy the time with her lovely family. I am new to this country and Im a stranger and yet you welcome me with open arms I appreciate it very much and feel honored to have made such friends in such a wonderful country. I dont expect much from the crowd, but Janes father comes from around the table and he gives me the strongest hug ever everyone is cheering and I can see Janes huge grin I cant believe it they loved it speak from the heart and their no way anyone can feel bad about you, because its what you truly mean in no way are you hiding something you spoke it all. I sit down and Mr.Altier gives his daughter a huge kiss on the top of the head and he heads back to his seat. I sit and I just hardly talk to Jane and she tells me your doing good I guess she hasnt forgot about our little deal this women keeps her word I think I might need to hold on to her for a lot longer than previously thought I just smile at her. Her grandmother starts speaking and their all speaking about Jane, because she is the main reason to why everyone is even at the same place. Its pleasant to see she talks about how long it took her to see her granddaughter the first time while maintaining eye contact with me it was like the whole family was only talking to me about Jane as if she had to audition. Than her step mother decides to speak she has just been watching me and smiling I wouldnt tell her anything,

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 89 because she carries herself with elegance much more than Ive seen on any other women, but I dont want her swagger to carry me away from Jane. I dont want to get myself into problems I get up and walk towards the swimming pool where no one happens to be its fucking December one would have to carry a death wish to jump in the pool on a cold day like this. I look back I always do I dont want Jane coming over and pushing me in than I would certainly be fucked. I keep staring down at the beautiful water and how good it looks. Its deceiving just staring at the water I didnt I mean I wouldnt be able to tell if the water was I feel a touch on my back and I stand up and its just Jane. She asks me what it is that Im doing I answer nothing just admiring your pool she asks what about my pool Im wondering if its cold I mean Im not wondering Im wondering if one would be able to tell the temperature by just staring at the water. Almost everyone has made their way into the house and a lot of the relatives have already left trying not to catch harsh weather I dont think a lot of her family lives in the city well at least not here in Paris. I watch as the last remaining few make their way into the house and Jane looks back at her family member stares into my eyes and gives me a huge kiss I return one just as big and we kiss I move back a little and I slip into the pool one leg in and the rest of me outside Im just laughing on the ground and she looks at me and says I want you to meet my dad. I walk with her towards the house I tell her that I have to wait outside, because of the fucking water all around my leg its not my favorite, but I have to deal with it. I wait outside Im looking around and a Mr. Altier comes out and he looks at me puts a hand on my shoulder and sits down and tells me to sit next to him he tells me that he is grateful to have met me. His daughter has been raving about this James I had to see what it is all about. Im wondering what hes going to tell me next his hair is spotty hes a man that must not care what others say about hair, because his style has its own style. He wears button up shirts he has shorts on and some moccasins. Hes fairly white some freckles around his face a chiseled face like hes gone through shit hes skinny, but not to skinny fairly built I watch him begin to speak with the cigar in his hand Jane tells me you were looking to get a private flight somewhere? Yes I was I tell that I was looking to get back into the United States without having to go through customs. Its going to run you some money I usually wouldnt go so far especially

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 90 towards the US. Im letting you know there is no way I can get you off the plane any standard way your going to have do something else along the way. I ask him if he has any ideas he asks me if I know how to swim I say yeah. He stands looks at me since your friends with Jane I give you a discount twenty-five thousand when do you have to be in the states? I respond by tomorrow night. Meet me here at nine in the morning tomorrow. He laughs and walks in to the house. I walk into the house a lot more drier than I was before I say bye to Jane and I tell her that I will see her soon she asks me for my number and I give it to her I ask her for her phone number too. As I walk out she asks me if I want a ride I say yeah of course. I say bye to the remaining people in the family including Mrs. Altier she gives me a firm handshake and says I hope to see you again while staring at my eyes. I turn away I dont make a scene of it, but I hope it doesnt disrespect Janes father. I walk out the door right after Jane I take one last look at that family something I cant say I ever had I mean I had my brother and if I only still had that I wouldnt complain, but other than Quentin I dont have anyone anymore and I dont know I watch as the door practically fully closes I watch them I can still hear them laugh as the door comes to a close. No Right Road November 10, 2016 I get out of bed and I think about the mess around the room I want to pick up, but than again I dont really care. I look over at Kerry her hair is as beautiful as ever her long legs come from out of the bed sheets. Its my fucking birthday today I dont know if my mother will forgive me for being gone on my birthday maybe even less Kerry. I didnt promise anything I hardly like to talk about my birthday it isnt something Im proud of I turned twenty-three today I wouldnt mind taking a few steps back the only memorable things I have really gone through have a lot to do with the judicial system. I grab two bags out and I walk into the living room I look at James hes watching Django Unchained he looks over at me during a scene with Leonardo and says its no wonder he won an academy award for this I remember we wanted to we planed to see it on Christmas day, but werent able to, because of all that stupid shit. I look back at

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 91 him I went to see it I think the movie theatre at that time was the only thing and still is until this day that keeps me from going over the brink. I walk into the restroom I dont feel like showering I look at the mirror I put on my shirt I put on some jeans I put on some combat boots I bought Im not looking at this like its hard thing I have to be smart about the shit Im going to do I put on a huge jacket with pockets I bought. I walk into the room to get my wallet and my phone and kiss Kerry goodbye. Where is she where did Kerry go is she gone what the fuck where did she go does she know what Im up to how could she I never told her anything. I'm scrambling in my head I head out to the living room and their she is sitting on the sofa and she has a bag in her hands she get's up and gives me a long kiss and a hug. She gives me a pouch and tells me to take care I don't open the pouch Im much more surprised than relieved I look over at James and he signals me to head out. I don't try to stay to long maybe she changes her mind about all of this and I don't want to be their when she does. I dont tell her anything else I turn around to leave, but before I do I ask her to take care of my mom and sister that if Im not back in a week something has happened to me. I walk out the door we head down the elevator through the lobby we each only have one backpack and now I have this extra pouch. We walk into the first cab and I watch James speak he gives the man the address Im alert now I have to do this. This way they wont fuck with us anymore Senator Charles were going to put some scare into that fuck I dont know what else to do hes bothered we put his nephews behind bars thats what those fucks get for shooting at innocent people. Now he does this shit to my family my two friends I guess that was his motto two for two I doubt his nephews are dead I doubt they are even in jail anymore. The taxicab takes about ten minutes to get to the destination Mr. Altier Im guessing thats his house there is a man in front of the house the man asks for the money James gives him a bag. He walks back into the house he comes out with a car key and tells me to follow the instructions that Mr. Altier isnt home right now. We walk over to the car a BMW in great condition its a 2017 M3 I cant believe it. James is given the key so James gets to drive it he knows the man much more than I do so I wouldnt want to impede. The directions are on the navigation system it says to head toward the Paris Beauvais airport in the town of Beauvais, which is roughly about an hour drive according to the

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 92 navigation system. I turn and look at the road I dont really look scenery and enjoy shit like that when I have thoughts on my mind when my mind is busy I let it stay busy Im rarely one to take a break or Im going to feel like I need more of it, which is never a good thing. I dont turn on the radio before I notice James is pulling over into a parking garage I think we got lost or something, but no the navigation indicates that its off to the right. The instructions onside the envelope indicates to leave the car parked take out the stuff we brought with us and to lock it and walk towards the airport. To make out way towards the airport and that one of the back doors of the building we have to put on some work suits that are in the trunk of the car. We change put on our sweaters and head towards the airport. We make out way into the back door we shut the door behind us we walk with speed through a bunch of doors than we reach the kitchen of a restaurant and walk through it and head out into the lobby of the airport we look around. Find the room Mr. Altier told us to head into we head into the room down some stairs unlock a gate and we keep heading down these stairs we encounter an elevator we go up the elevator he told us to use. We appear on the surface we cut through and he told us to climb off of the bridge, but to not be seen and to make out way towards the Boeing 777 we walk into the plane and a lot of the plane is filled with what looks to be Frances international basketball team headed to a friendly game in the United States. We make our way into the pilots room and there he is Mr. Altier and his friend who introduces himself as Van Lavern Agrin, Mr. Altier stands looks at us and begins to speak This plane is a business plane Im carrying a basketball team they dont own it their plane had to be fixed so they hired me Im not going to be able to let you get off with me, because everyone on the plane as soon as we get to the United States will have to be processed. The plan is to have you Mr. James and your friend wait in the cargo hold when I begin my cruise down you will be with my friend Lavorn who is a retired military man. He will advise you on the rest there will be a boat in the water that will take you to your destination. Farewell young men I hope to see you again. Im like did he just fucking say that hes kidding right hes fucking kidding right. This is something I would have never thought about doing we werent made to jump out of fucking planes. We make our way to our seats the man Lavorn is going to come get us when its ten minutes til. I cant clearly think

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 93 James looks over me and he breaks out laughing I dont know what the fuck is so funny to him. He speaks Yo Im nervous as fuck, but this is what we signed up for they will tell us what to do as long as we pay close attention we should be fine man dont worry to much if we die we die we decided to jump out this bitch. Its been about six hours or its about to be the flight is about seven hours anytime now their going to call us the man has a bag in his hand and he comes out of the cockpit and he taps us on the shoulder and I watch a younger man go into the cockpit. Went down some stairs with him and down a small shaft in the plan into the cargo area its fairly empty, because its only the basketball team and they keep their materials really close to them. I watch as the Lavorn begins to speak When we jump out of this plane were going to be necessarily close to each other, which one can swim better. I raise my hand he tells me You get a parachute to yourself and Im tagging along with James right. wow why the fuck did I raise my hand. Quentin keep next to us just hold your friends hand when I tell him to let go pull this little thing right next to your jacket keep close eye on us when we get closer to the water Im going to drop along with James I want you unclick yourself from the backpack, because if you land with the parachute you might get caught in it and drown dont forget ok. Im looking at him like sure man whatever the fuck you say Im going to I just hope I dont die or become a part of some crazy ass accident. I look around the place Im not feeling good Im sick to my stomach I knew I should have stayed I didnt know we would be doing shit like this I tried to be all hard I guess this is what makes me or breaks literally either I come out this bitch feeling like superman or Im dead thats as simple as situations get. I look over at James and hes more excited than anything its probably his way to combat it mine is a little more on the crying side, but we all get through our problems. I know theirs no going back unless fucking everything up. I remember when I was younger not much younger I was walking home from school one day and some kid jumped me for my iPod, but he wasnt able to take it from me, but he did fuck me up. I remember getting home and my mom saw me like that she just stared at me with these eyes, because I was crying at thirteen years old she has always been a loving mother, but than she was still getting accustomed to life without my father all she said was Go take care of the problem or your going to get one just like that from

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 94 me. I was shook the first time I ever had the feeling of true loneliness I remember walking back down the street my foot only got heavier with each step and oh I hated my mom for this I was just thinking in my head how is she going to feel burying her son so young. Everything looked foggy, because I had just gotten my ass beat, and my arm and left knee still ached I remember turning onto the block where I got dropped. Their he was on his bike just like where I had left him why wouldnt someone move from where they just finished beating a kid up. I dont remember feeling scared or feeling hurt anymore what I do remember is picking a stick up running up to the kid from behind hitting him off the bike and hitting him about two more times once he hit the floor. It happened so quick the only reason I stopped was, because he started crying I dug through his pockets and I took his phone and his iPod. I never saw that evil kid ever again I think he was visiting one wouldnt do that to someone he knows. I remember asking my mom about it recently and she said she followed me with one of dads guns wow what was my sweet mom going to do with a gun? I watch as bright light clears up everything and a horrible wind almost drags me away I see Lavorn just finished telling me something and than they just jump off. What the fuck no no no do I go should I wait I cant waste anymore time just like when I was younger my feet are heavy extremely heavy my vision is partially blurred I dont know if Im screaming at the top of my lungs or at all. I look back thinking thats where I belong not jumping out into a clear abyss. Next thing I know the ramp starts coming up I try to run, but I barely grab on to the top I pull myself over and I just drop. I can still see them, but they look so much further I dont know how Im going to do this from what I can tell they still havent pulled their parachutes. This is a lively feeling, but I hate not knowing what to especially in a situation like this one feels so miserable Im just falling I have seen movies, but in the movies everyone is built for this shit everyone knows this shit and these characters are fake with fake chances of fucking death. I watch their parachute come undone I almost pull mine no I have to wait until I get to their elevation it feels like forever I feel the need to vomit or maybe Im just being a little bitch. I dont, which it is, but I practically fly by James I can hear him scream not yet. How long do I have to wait the water is clear how long do I have I hear a faint pull it. I pull it what a fucking horrible feeling the wind is completely

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 95 gone. Not knowing if its going to come out or if Im just going to keep falling I breath now I just have to watch the pull take off their shoot to safely jump into the water Im pretty sure were far off I would say not knowing for sure were roughly about 5000 feet form the water. Its all coming so slow I cant hear anything my stomach is coming towards my stomach I throw up I fucking throw up unbelievable I know I wasnt going to get through the fine at all and if throwing up is what I get for it Im okay with the outcome. I watch as time passes and we edge closer and I can now see the orange boat that is going to pick us up. Moment of truth am I superman or am I a dead man. Can I tell everyone I know I have jumped out of a moving plane and that Im perfectly fine can I watch as they disconnect and plunge down into the sea they are roughly thirty seconds from where I am, but I dont know if Im ready I dont know if I can do this I hear them splash into the water. Are they fine is James okay I see him resurface from under the water I hope I can do this I hope I can do this. I click off I feel like I have just been sucked into this blue nothingness theirs no where I can go thats the only place Im headed I really hope their isnt any sharks, but if there is my god protect my soul. I dont think he would let some animal eat me after just having gone through trials and tribulations. I dont think he will let me drown in all this blue in this entire splash. I go deep into the water theirs no tide no perfect storm I just have to remain calm I cant panic I just hope nothing pulls my leg. I come to a halt and I start moving my hands to reach the top Im grabbing for it I havent been proud of how long I can hold my breath I remember when I was younger I used to try and practice just incase I dont know why I didnt take survival instincts much more seriously. I would have welcomed this predicament I would have engulfed myself in these suicidal activities. I come up I surprisingly having lost my bags everything is wet everything is probably fucked up everything has gone to shit most likely. I wonder where they are I look around I dont see anyone just open water. I slowly turn my head like where the fuck did they go and than I see it destiny life the little orange boat looks much bigger than little and orange. I swim over to it like nothing this is the part in the movie where there is a twist and I become eaten by all this nerve wrecking blue theirs more miles than I possibly know of Im in a fucking fish tank their could be aliens only god knows what the fuck it is he put in these scary ass waters I

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 96 fucking hate the ocean almost as much as I hate jumping out of fucking planes. They all laugh I can hear them laughing as they pull the boat by me all three of them one man I dont know they pull me up. I sit down and I just dont know what to do I dont even know what to say I just put my hand up and James comes over to me and he gives me a grand hug. In the other hand a water exactly what I need other than that celebration the other two men didnt speak to me they didnt wonder why a man who has never jumped out of a plane at ten thousand feet never used a parachute and never jumped off of one into the middle of the ocean would risk it all for something. It doesnt intrigue him maybe it does, but some men are respectful and take shit into account. He doesnt want to be anyones accomplice I can understand that. I look at James and hes serious, because we just did some serious shit and were on a serious mission. I have never been pumped with anymore adrenaline in my whole fucking life to tell you the truth getting shot didnt feel any good it wouldnt come close Im crossing a line that I may never come back over I need to settle down I need to gather my feet under my body and continue to see things much clearer if I want to continue breathing. For now I stand about the blue of the ocean and speed to the coast. I look down at the bag Kerry gave me in the morning I havent brought myself to open it, but I have time now I slowly open it up and I take a peek I sift through it and its my four guns, now I feel like superman. Only God Forgives November 13, 2016 I walk through the lobby and caution tape is set throughout everything bloodstains are visible scattered throughout the wall. I dont know what has happened I have no idea. The manager pulls me aside Henry a tall black man hes in his early forties we have had a good relationship since I moved here. He asks me if I have problems with anyone I tell him Im in the news all the time of course I have people that dont like my existence. Well son I want you out of here some lunatic in a mask came looking for you broke down through your door killed two of my finest men and another

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 97 young man, which I didnt know, but the two young men did nothing, but work. I personally knew one of those boys good kid very good kid I want you our you here me the police is going to want to speak to you to. I would have them take you away if you werent a victim in all this to son. Even if I wanted you here, which I fucking dont I dont want that son of a bitch coming back here when Im on duty blow my brains over some shit I know nothing about boy. The neighbors have spoken your gone son I wish you the best of luck and that god protects you no one else needs to die. The man walks away some more blood on my hands could have wanted me killed I mean I understand someone could have wanted me killed, but it could have not been those men that group they knew we were out of the country it had to be something personal something else or maybe they came just in case we decided I decided to say a little longer, but these men had nothing to do with it. Maybe it was just some random psycho I dont want to take the elevator risk these people complaining, because I still havent left this piece of shit want to be something better building Im pretty sure these arent the first people to die in this building. I walk up the stairs rather quickly, but as I make my way to the last flight of stairs I settle down. I walk a lot slower I count my steps I dont want to see someone waiting for me to just come home maybe it was that crazy fucking neighbor of mine. Im pretty sure a lot of the people on this floor are closeted serial killers with their stupid fucking dogs and priuss maybe they deserved this wake up call its just one I was lucky to not pick up. I open the door to my floor I stare down the hall and I can notice the caution tape by my door wow some shit happened up here to I leave my bag behind the door incase theirs pigs in my apartment. I dont want them looking through my shit I get closer to my apartment walking relatively close to my wall much more than usual I kind of feel like a retard grabbing the wall like something is going to jump out at me. If someone did try to kill me I should be happy to see him so he can give me a shot to take his life as he violated my home and broke into it looking to kill me. I get closer and what a horrible stench did someone die up here I look at the wall and can notice someone tried to clean blood off of it I cant believe it I wouldnt want to live here anyways someone got fucking killed in my home. I wonder who would come up to my home the blood is only by the entrance of the door their isnt anymore to be found its like they got killed outside

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 98 and got dragged into the home. I look around my house to see if anything is missing I grab a bag and put everything I care about in it. I grab a lot of my movies I grab family shit and put it in carrier bags I never had much shit I leave behind my bed my television and a bunch of other furniture I dont really need I took my cds and stuff I wouldnt be able to live without. I make my way back out towards the door I hear the elevator open Im about to walk out, but I can hear him talking to a cop it sounds like I hide behind the door of the restroom I can peek through and it isnt a cop its someone that is here just looking for me, but I cant tell who it is I hear them speak its randal what the fuck is randal doing here. I hear him say He must have left his stuff is all gone he has nothing here anymore. How would he know what I have and what I dont Randal has been acting fucking strange about that guy I dont know what it is thats why I havent been wanting to talk to him thats why I dont care about him anymore I never truly did the only reason he cared about us is, because we meant big bucks whether we won or we lost he never gave a fuck about us calling us brothers and shit trying to make small talk fuck that guy hes nothing, but another man in a suit trying to play shit out. I watch them leave and I open the door I watch them talk and talk until their completely gone. I wouldnt know why that man hes not even my lawyer anymore I left him a card I did leave him a card I wonder if they got that to him if they did that means hes been here since I left acting like her didnt know I was gone what a despicable man if anything is everything sort of a man. I wouldnt doubt it. I slowly walk down the hall and make my way through the stairs. I walk into the stairs through the doors I grab my bag and start heading down the stairs. I still dont know what to think someone fucking died in my old apartment Im never coming back to that bitch no matter what Im keeping from all that the most I can after today. Maybe Jane gives me a place to stay far away from all of this maybe than I can learn to be a much better person. I open the back door Im sure Randal will be in the front I cant go out the alley I throw my bag over the wall. I look at the top of the wall and all Im thinking is that Im going to have to jump over Im all out of shape I have hardly any upper body strength, but Im tall and quick. We all have out advantages and disadvantages I just hope my advantages out weigh any faults. I speed walk down the block, because I dont want to bump into Randal he must have his own

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 99 agenda I continue to wonder why he was looking for me. Im not supposed to meet with Quentin until later a lot later I take my stuff and I head over to a motel to check out a room for the night I have to pay cash, because I cant leave a paper trail. I give the man my brothers middle name as my first name Marvin I head back to the room. Im extremely paranoid I hope the man didnt notice if he did more than likely Im fucked. Its even worse when someone tries to play it off it gets worse I remember when I was younger I would wonder why is it that when I have something on me I feel everyone is watching me, but when I dont I can eat food in a room full of cops showing me that everything in itself is psychological nothing more than that. I walk into the restroom I pull out these two guns I have I dont know much about guns, but I do know one of these is a 45 and the other is a 9mm. I have had these since forever I always keep them clean one was mine and one was Anthonys I always kept them in my possession I didnt want him doing anything crazy. I look at the mirror and I look at myself a 24 year old soon to be lawyer about to commit a crime of his own. I was headed down this road anyways I kept from it as long as I could, but I guess shit like this is just meant to happen to me. I look away from the mirror I cant bear to see myself I might just not do it if I keep looking at myself instead I grab the cold steel to make me forget to make me not care to make me feel hard stupid to make me feel some of what my brother felt. He was younger than me, but when it came to living out in the streets he was always more ready than me he was always more of an animal than I was he had that about something I wish I could have at least some of that. I have felt it before we younger both Anthony and me. We were crazy kids especially together one time we did some kids pretty bad over a Gameboy I remember we hurt the kid pretty bad. Time had passed it had been about two months since we did that and I wasnt around he went to buy some chips or something like that. I just remember him getting home and he had a huge black eye he said the guy couldnt fight he just got lucky. I was happy he was fine, and I kind of acted like dam only if I was there, but it was that type of feeling. For days I would walk around wishing I would have seen one of those kids any of them I didnt care who thats one of the only times I can remember feeling stupid about stuff like that falling under the same stereotypes that I felt me and my brother had grown completely out of, but like I said

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 100 before sometimes no matter how bad one tries to leave it just want leave one alone. I turn off all the light I put one of the guns in the back of my pants hoping I dont accidentally shoot myself in the ass. I sit back upon this chair one of the only cool things about this whole motel room they dont even have a working television the room is discounted at half off. I lay all the way back pull back the blinds and just look out the huge window I have one could easily see in, but that is much harder when the lights are all off maybe someone tries to rob me right now and Im able to test the gun out. I look out the window theirs about six other motel units outside my window it doesnt look like a place where bums and crackheads congregate its more of a calm place where tourist may stop by at. Thats what Im guessing it seems at peace something no money can buy if anything money contradicts peace, because to use it gets rather loud. Its near eight thats the time Quentin said he would get here we would leave from here we doubt theirs anybody following us just in case we will leave through the back window. I see Quentin he has a bag in his hand hes dressed in all black something I told him to avoid we cant look like fucking criminals as soon as we let off the first gun shot were going to have to try to blend in as civilians the best we can. I look around and I close the blinds and just unlock the door I had texted him earlier what the room number was we were taking to many precautions kind of like the plan was going much slower than it was supposed to. I feel the door unlock and I turn around to turn on the light and he tells me to not turn off the light that someone has been following him that he jumped the fence and hes pretty sure they didnt see what room I went into. Im fucking shocked he tells me to grab my bag that we have to get the fuck out of here I brought one bag pretty full of shit I tell him that I cant just carry it. Plans never go according to plan thats something to take into account when you have a plan you must be fully invested into the fucking plan or you wont go anywhere with it. I grab my shit and I just jump back out the window you know what I tell him your going to go back put this shit it your car give me your guns so they dont catch you with anything if its cops ok I tell him not to worry take your car to where you had walk out meet me at the airport I will get this done ok. He starts to throw shit talking about how its his problem that they took his girlfriend and that they killed to of his brothers I tell him to get a grip on his shit hes tagged hes fucked we cant leave

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 101 anymore with one of us getting followed. I tell him okay its going to take me a while longer to get to Senator Charles apartment since I can t go in your care anymore if you can meet me their if Im not outside that means Im in already okay I will meet you their brother and dont go in unless you see me first, because I dont have a gun. I turn my back on him maybe thats the last time I will see him I try my best to not let it bother me I love him, but I dont want anything to happen to him I want one of is to be fine and if it could accidentally be him thats fine with me. He deserves it he deserves to go out their and make movies maybe that way he will forget about all the bullshit we ever had to go through. I take one last look at the dark room to see a traced man being painted by scattered moonlight, which is rather beautiful I close the window behind me. Our Story To Tell November 13, 2016 I watch him leave the room I didnt give him all my guns I kept one the only one registered the rest arent at least not to me. Maybe someone who ever they were stolen from I got most of them through middle men so I dont know the origins of the guns other than these guys swore they had no bodies on them thats the only thing I cared about I could give a fuck if I didnt have a license I just didnt want to be accused for the murder of someone I didnt kill. I can understand if Im put in jail for killing someone I killed okay I killed that man its understandable here take me in, but if the only way I would ever deny anything is if Im completely invested in it with my heart I wont win anything if my heart isnt in it thats something I always told myself thats something I have always kept in mind when I start something to make sure I finish it no matter what the outcome may be. I walk out of the room I see two men pass by into the office I hurry to my car I see the car parked off to the left no one is in it I throw the shit in the car I pull the car up into the back. I get off the car I stand in the coroner and I watch the men one about six foot five a beard glasses jeans coat on the other one fairly similar just a smaller built and much shorter I watch them look towards where my car was supposed to be the men panic they run into their cars practically and take off down the interstate. I walk back towards

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 102 my car I pull it up to the interstate and I take off the complete different way I cut through smaller streets apparently they didnt bug my shit or else they would know, which way I had gone. I cut through streets I trying to see if I can spot James out here walking around with a bag full of guns isnt a good look for anybody maybe even tough for a cop to explain. I look down the block after block and I dont see anything well I know what I can do I head over to the Senators place park the car and wait for James to show up I dont know, which way hes going to show up or how hes going to show up. I look up ahead I dont see anything its getting pretty late he still isnt her I look in my rearview and I see a limousine pull up. I watch as a man opens the door I look over and I see Randal come out of the car Im completely stunned I have no idea what the fuck is going on I cant believe this shit I go to unlock the door and put a bullet straight through his brain for being such scum playing on both sides of the team fucking prick. I look over to my right rearview mirror hoping to see James so he can see what I see. I look back at the limousine I see about eleven boys all dressed up for prom night or something ridiculous, but each one of them is blindfolded I see Randal look around before putting on a stocking and a strange mask right over it. The men all disappear into the apartment complex Im wondering what the fuck that was I dont want to go in without James I look in my right rearview mirror and I see him again I jump into the passenger seat I can see him staking the place kind of looking around trying to find me I slowly open the door they would notice any movement out in the street at eleven p.m. especially in a street as lonely as this one. I speed crawl duck over to him I call his name and tell him to come over to the car he comes over and gets in to the backseat the car is off I dont have an alarm on this one I dont care for it. I watch him get into the bad he puts down his bags cocks his gun and tells me that hes ready I see him pull on the knob to try and go already. I hold him back we have to wait I dont know what he will say about this, but Im pretty sure there is still a man inside the parked limousine. I dont know how to tell him I cant remember how much trust he had in Randal I saw Randal go into the building. He looks outside back to the building and at his gun he just says he dies to. I dont have a plan, but I have thought how about we wait until the people who are going to come back into this waiting limousine one of us follows that one and tries to figure out were its

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 103 going, because Randal came with it. I hear James say fuck that he gets out of the car puts on a mask of his own a mask thats menacing in its own way he points the gun at the limousine blowing out the two front tires. I follow him he walks in to the building opens the exit door I hear two more shot I see two men from where the elevators are at I kneel and put two bullets in each one I reload and I try to take the elevator up, but it doesnt work without a key. I get off of it and I head towards the stares where James was. I cant see him anymore as I walk up the stares I see a trail of bodies like no other the cops will be here in no time I just know it. I run up the stairs with my weapon drawn I peak into the only hall in this whole fucking building what kind of man owns a whole building to his fucking self. I see James break his way into a room I dont hear any gun shots I dont hear anything I was expecting for his death or for anything to happen instead I here someone peacefully telling James to join the rest of the men in blindfolds. A bunch of young men are in blind folds as I walk into the room I dont notice anyone to my left, but I can feel theirs more people I know it something tells me there is. I have my gun drawn James isnt shooting everything like he was I hear the man speak the man who I believe is Randal has pulls his knife out of one of the boys who is kneeled when he speaks its muffled he must have something emulating his speech Im a god you think about your betrayal I was a loyal fellow. He moves onto another one before he stabs him I shoot him once right in the chest dropping him. James puts his foot on the man and pulls off the mask he takes one peak at him and practically erases the face of Randal blowing multiple shots into him. The man at the center of the room keeps talking nonsense than I see him draw a huge knife I shoot his hand he drops it I take his mask off I grab him and throw him through the glass window. I walk over to James I tell him we have to go I grab one of the guys that is blindfolded and I tell James to grab one too. We tell them to get naked I cant hear any sirens yet I dont what the fuck is going on I dont notice the boys getting naked, but I do notice one of the boys head get shot off I look down the hall and its the police. In full costume the guns out and everything. I quickly take the blindfolds off the boy I tell James to try and get away they didnt see him. I make my way into the main room. They dont notice us I look back into the hall and they completely eliminated the other boy running down the hall. I look

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 104 around the room I find a whole arsenal. I dont want to touch It I find a bunch of car keys and a bunch of other keys I put them in my pocket. This isnt the first time I have felt such a rush of adrenaline through my body. I feel I have time I look out I take a couple shots and I make my way to where James was. He looks to be down the stairs. These stairs are only accessible from the top floor I tell him to start getting loose. As I run down the stairs I lose a lot. Nothing important yet we make out way into the basement sort of place I grabbed a bunch of keys I lock the door behind us from inside and put a bunch of shit in the way. I try to find light switched to leave them in the dark in the meantime James seems to be looking for a way out trying to find someway to get the fuck out of here this man is extremely secretive he must have a secret passage or some shit. I find the power controls I can hear the swat team special ops whatever the fuck kind of pigs they are I look back at James to see where he is the room were in is vast I hit the power and all the lights turn off. We look around and notice light seeps through one side of the wall by chance I start shooting all over the wall until it lifts and on the other side it looks like an underground tunnel. Once were on the other side there is a lever, which automatically drops down the wall we get behind it I dont know where this will take us, but it feels as if it has been a while since someone has been here theirs a train that looks like it goes down far. The way it doesnt look like a train more like a drill I dont know what to think of it this whole place feels different doesnt feel right it feels completely negative there is stairs that lead up they seem pretty far off I take a couple looks back down the place it feels hot it feels different it doesnt feel right. I wonder what this man was up to I feel I have to do something about it. James made his way up some stairs I should to before anything else happens hopefully the cops dont notice the same light we did. I put my gun away I take off the mask I put it in my hand I take off the disposable gloves and put them down. I take my jacket off and reverse it fix up my hair as I make my way up the steps James had already pushed the door open I look beyond and I can make out a shadow down by the drill a tall man the same tall man from my dream. I blink and its just light. I go through the door into the sewer its hard to believe we were just below the sewer. I close the door, but take one last look down one last harrowing look at something I know I shouldnt dabble with something dark darker

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 105 than most places I have been in my life. I can see James making his way up some ladder to go out to a city street he moves the manhole lid and I close the door to a horrible place I hope to never return to. The Place Beyond The Lights December 3, 2016 I trust everything fell right into place now. I dont know what they did when they left I wont ever ask him. Theres days when we go to sleep and I will wake up around three in the morning and I try to hold him, but he isnt by me he looks out the window a lot. I understand the view is nice, but he has to learn he has to let go of whatever it is he fears. I may have to speak to him I may have to figure out what was it that made him act this way. He acts normal around me when Im with him everything is the same, but its the sudden walks or the blank stares or the soft crying before he goes to sleep. I dont know what to do about him anymore. I hope he finds peace with himself for whatever it is that he did I dont see the same thing in James. I see James rejuvenated loving life he stayed in France with the girl he met Jane I think, but hes going to be back in the states anytime soon I believe. I dont see things the same as I once did at least not anymore a lot has changed I have kind of relied on Quentin to keep us safe, but he cant anymore. He seems to be in his own place as soon as he got back Mrs. Laraza saw something in her son she told me to watch him closely. Not only a mother can know I notice it now, but what can I do. I walk out of the room to our patio and I catch him scribbling away on a piece of paper. We moved to San Francisco a place we agreed that wouldnt bring back any memories I did it more for him than I did it for me. I could have gone anywhere I mean when those men took me it only made me stronger thank god they never touched me or I would have come out much weaker. I walk outside the wind is cool, but not harsh its a nice die as nice as the days can get in San Francisco with out the extremes. I wonder what brought us here to this point in our life when I met Quentin he had ambitions great ambitions hes still young only twenty three years old, but sometimes I think he doesnt

Cuevas / Garden Of Pain / 106 want much more like he called it quits. It hurts me I know I should speak to him, but when I met him their was something serious about him I had never seen in a mans face a man who has seen something. A man who has been to the other side a man who has been through it all. They never told anyone what was that happened, but sometimes I wish I knew what it was. Sometimes I wish I had an Idea. I loved to look forward when I walk when I was younger they always told me to look down, which was one of the reasons my sister always caught me falling. I almost trip a lot, because of it only so many times have I actually fallen. I look up at the soft gray colors of the sky and wish it would always look that same way especially in my dreams I sit on and old park bench I dont know how old it is, but anybody heavier and the bench would fall over I wonder what has come of everyone and I wonder how far everyone has gone. I sit and I watch my life my life beyond the lights in the place beyond the pines.

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