An Intiouuction To 0ina anu Natthew Walteis........................................................................................ S What Is A Soul Nate. .............................................................................................................................................. 4 The Nost Impoitant Ingieuient: Be Is Not You........................................................................................... S 0ina Anu Natthew's Stoiy Will uive You Bope .......................................................................................... 7 The Funhouse Niiioi........................................................................................................................................... 11 When You Bislike Bis Behavioi....................................................................................................................... 1S The Right Nan Beals You Anu You Beal Bim............................................................................................ 16 Bow To Stop Aiguing Anu................................................................................................................................. 21 uet Love Flowing................................................................................................................................................... 21 Woiksheet ................................................................................................................................................................ 28 Steps To Emotional Authenticity.................................................................................................................... 28 Bealing Anu Noving 0n Fiom Beaitbieak................................................................................................. Su Bau Boys Anu uoou uuys................................................................................................................................... SS Run Fiom Intensity - It's Youi Clue That Something Is Wiong........................................................ 4u Cuiiosity Nakes A Real Connection............................................................................................................... 42 Naiiying Youiself ................................................................................................................................................. 44 Is Theie 0nly 0ne Soulmate ............................................................................................................................. 48 Foi You...................................................................................................................................................................... 48 Becoming Soulmates Fiom Wheie You Aie Now.................................................................................... S1 Neeting Youi Soulmate....................................................................................................................................... SS You Can't Say The Wiong Thing To The Right Nan................................................................................ S8 About 0ina Anu Natthew.................................................................................................................................. 61 Page S of 62 -* .*+/'012+3'* "' 4/*# #*0 5#++6&7 8#%+&/, e at LoveRomanceRelationship.com iecently hau the gieat foitune to inteiview the "powei couple" of ielationship expeits - 0ina anu Natthew Walteis. The inteiview was so spectaculai, so incieuibly amazing anu ueeply helpful, we ueciueu to offei it to you as both a book anu as an inteiview. The book has been expanueu upon, auueu to anu oiganizeu a bit uiffeiently fiom the inteiview - anu so we encouiage you to both ieau the book anu listen to the inteiview. We consiueieu this to be a life-changing self-help book, anu look foiwaiu to heaiing fiom you how it's woiking foi you. 0ina anu Natthew woik with women all ovei the woilu, using what they call the "Tools of Tiansfoimation," anu they will shaie them with you heie, to help you quickly bieak the olu patteins that aie keeping you fiom ieceiving the one thing that we'ie all looking foi, which is of couise love. Sinceiely, LoveRomanceRelationship W Page 4 of 62 86#+ ., - 9'1% 5#+&: Natthew: So, the way we look at soul mates is not necessaiily theie is one soul out theie foi you in this vast sea of the billions of people on the planet anu you'ie in some way going to stumble upon them. The way we always think of anu talk about a soul mate paitneiship is this iuea of two people who aie on a path of giowth. Spiiitual giowth, peisonal giowth, whatevei that is foi each of them. Anu they come togethei in ielationship to suppoit each othei in the continuation of that giowth. This iuea that we'ie heie on Eaith school anu that we'ie meant to leain something anu that one of the things we'ie meant to leain is how to be in ielationship anu what being in ielationship can teach us moie about ouiselves. Page S of 62 "6& 5',+ .;<'/+#*+ .*=/&03&*+> ?& ., @'+ A'1 !"#$#% !'( )*+" ,- "*# '.# "*,./( )*+"0- "*# '.# ,./1#2,#." "*+" 3'4 5##6 "*+" ,- ,78'1"+." ,. + 1#6+",'.-*,89 0ina: Well, the ieally most impoitant ingieuient to any successful ielationship - we coulu talk about intimate ielationship, but ieally in any ielationship, whethei that's bosscowoikei, husbanuwife, motheichilu, whatevei it might be is - it's going to sounu ieally simple anu we'ie happy to elaboiate on it, but ieally that one key ingieuient is to iemembei that !"# %!"#& '#&(%) *( )%! +%,- Natthew: Anu what we mean by that, that the othei peison is not you, is that the othei peison has theii own set of expeiiences, theii own set of beliefs, theii own inteinal expeiience of the woilu anu theii own opinions anu eveiything else. 0ftentimes, when we get in ielationship, we expect that othei peison to think the way we think anu to feel the way we feel. Then we make assumptions about that othei peison - that they'ie thinking anu feeling exactly what .#/&# thinking anu feeling. 0ina: Anu that assumption can ieally be a big pioblem anu cieate a lot of issues once you'ie in a ielationship. When you take this iuea that the othei peison is not you - anu you ieally look at it fiom an objective peispective - you can think of it all as if it's an "eyewitness account. " Theie's a bank iobbeiy anu the police go anu inteiview 2u people who say the event happen anu they may get 2u veiy uiffeient stoiies. That's because oui own inuiviuual filtei is set when we'ie veiy young. We'ie filteiing foi ceitain infoimation, anu that's the way we move thiough the woilu. It's possible to shift that innei filtei, but to uo it takes woik, effoit anu conscious intention. So, when we'ie in ielationship, you go to beu next to the same peison eveiy night. You wake up next to them eveiy moining anu we stait to Page 6 of 62 take on this iuea that that peison is moving thiough the woilu the way we aie. Anu actually - we'ie not. We'ie moving thiough the woilu veiy uiffeiently. Remembeiing that the othei peison is not you, anu cultivating being cuiious about wheie youi paitnei is - that's ieally a gieat ingieuient to having a successful anu happy ielationship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atthew: Anu that pattein about how we ieceive anu give love is something that's ueteimineu veiy eaily on. It's ueteimineu fiom oui family of oiigin anu whoevei iaiseu us - oui paients, oi if we weie in some othei enviionment with gianupaients oi fostei paients, oi family oi stiangeis. We leain how to ieceive love fiom those people anu we ieenact those same veisions of eithei getting love oi not getting love in the same way when we get into intimate ielationships as auults. DE#66( "*+"0- .,?#( F4" ," 2'#-.0" 7+G# 7# 5##6 6'$#2<<< H Page 7 of 62
4/*# -*0 5#++6&7B, 9+'/C 83%% D3E& A'1 ?'<& !"#$#% =14#< !'( *') ,- ," 5'1 3'4 /43-9 ;'4 )#1# -+3,./ "*+" 3'4 )#1# ,."#.",'.+663 +,7,./ "' #.2 48 ,. + /''2 1#6+",'.-*,8( F4" 3'4 F'"* "''G 2,55#1#." 8+"*)+3-< >07 ?41,'4- )*+" "*'-# ")' 2,55#1#." 8+"*- )#1#< 0ina: Foi me, I hau a ieally iough go at it. Anu ceitainly eveiybouy has theii stoiy - anu theie aie ceitainly stoiies that aie woise than mine. I1.+0- !"'13 D&++3*= -7#C F/'; G/#;# -*0 -$1,& 0ina: I know mine is pietty uiamatic, anu I know of some even moie uiamatic. I giew up in a home with a lot of abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse anu sexual abuse I founu myself in my 2u's in a ielationship with a guy who I thought was going to be the guy. I felt like I'u moveu a lot of obstacles out of the way to even get into that ielationship, anu on New Yeai's Eve of 1994, that boyfiienu actually beat me up. It was ieally the wakeup call of a lifetime. I was just so ciusheu anu leaving that ielationship. I left. I nevei hau anothei conveisation with him again anu in that piocess I felt just incieuibly uamageu. I've always been smait. I'm well euucateu. I giauuateu fiom 0CLA with honois anu I was moving well in my business woilu anu moving foiwaiu anu cieating ieally gieat things anu it just baffleu me that how was it possible foi me to enu up in a ielationship with somebouy who woulu haim me when that was the last thing that I uesiieu. So, it was at that point that I iealizeu that was is familiai to us is the stiongest foice when we talk about intimate ielationship. So, what was Page 8 of 62 familiai to me was that abuse cycle anu so, I then attiacteu that abuse cycle. So, I staiteu in iegulai theiapy. I hau some ieally gieat luck enuing up with some ieally gieat theiapists anu got a lot of help, but at that point I ieally was like I wanteu somebouy else to pick a mate foi me, like an aiiangeu maiiiage sounueu like a goou iuea. I was like, "0h, my pickei is bioken. I uon't know how to pick somebouy," anu I felt ieally uamageu anu ieally bioken. 9&&H3*= "6& I*#E#3%#$%& 5#* I staiteu ieauing a lot of books anu going to a lot of woikshops anu staying in theiapy anu uoing gioup theiapy anu inuiviuual theiapy, anu I iemembei I got to a ceitain point wheie I ieally iuentifieu what my pattein was in ielationship veiy specifically. 0ne of the things that showeu up again anu again was a man who was unavailable. Eithei liteially unavailable, like in a ielationship with someone else - oi a man who was emotionally unavailable oi an auuict. 8#+&/ 9&&H, .+, 47* J&E&% K 5/L M3=6+ ., J3H& A'1 .* .;<'/+#*+ 8#C, So, when I iealizeu that, I iemembei going into theiapy that specific uay anu saying, "I'm ieally bioken. I'm attiacteu to men who aie unavailable. Bow am I evei supposeu to enu up in a ielationship." Anu I iemembei my theiapist. She smileu at me anu it was so sweet. I can iemembei seeing hei smile anu hei woius exactly. She saiu, 01"2 1&)32 4%%5 3! +%,- 6%,/&# 7%*)8 344 %9 !"*( .%&5 %) +%,&(#49 &*8"! )%.- :%)/! +%, 5)%. !"#&#/( 3 ;3) %,! !"#&# 7%*)8 .%&5 %) "*;(#492 (% !"3! "#/( 3<3*43=4# !% =# .*!" +%,-> She uesciibeu this iuea of how "watei seeks its own level" in ielationship. Bow we value ouiselves is ieally how we ieceive anything, whethei that's love oi wealth oi health, anu what I iealizeu is that in this piocess I was liteially iaising the level at which I valueu me - anu so, I DC3 8,?G#1 ,- F1'G#.<<<> 2'.0" G.') *') "' 8,?G -'7#F'23<<<H Page 9 of 62 was iaising that watei level, so to speak. Anu, low anu beholu, when I came togethei with Natthew, that's when I iealizeu: Wow. Beie was this guy uoing woik to get to me as well. We met at the top of that mountain, so to speak, to have this ieally tiue soul paitneiship. I'll let Natthew tell his stoiy. C+""*#)0- !"'13 9&%(NM&O&2+3'* Natthew: Suie. So, pait of it, just to shaie what 0ina saiu about being attiacteu to unavailable men is - I've been sobei foi eight yeais now anu useu to be that guy. I useu to be that guy who 1j was attiacteu to unavailable women, anu also 2j was )%! attiacteu to women who weie inteiesteu in me. It was always this game of me saying, 0?4&*8"!- @/44 8#! *)!% 3 +!*%)("*' .*!" +%,2 =,! *!/( )%! 8%*)8 !% .%&5 %,!-> I'u say that fiom the stait - anu then the woman woulu always look at me like, 0@/44 '&%<# *! 7*99#&#)!4+-> It became soit of a self fulfilling piophecy. I'u finu a way to enu that ielationship. When I ieally, finally began to look at my own stoiy, my own iole in this (anu pait of it was staiting to tuin SS anu iealizing that my life ieally wasn't what I expecteu it to be), it became impoitant to me to be happy in my life. A lot of it was looking at what I was uoing to cieate unhappiness. The big piece of this ielationship puzzle was how I was being in ielationship. What I finally got was the unueistanuing that the iole I was playing was one of self iejection. The way it lookeu was: I'u seek out women who woulu ieject me, anu then I woulu ieject women who woulu be inteiesteu in me. But ieally - it was all about me iejecting myself.
D>" )+- +6)+3- "*,- /+7# '5 7# -+3,./( DJ61,/*"< >066 /#" ,."' + 1#6+",'.-*,8 ),"* 3'4( F4" ,"0- .'" /',./ "' )'1G '4"<H<<<H Page 1u of 62 9&%(N-22&<+#*2& So, foi me that jouiney became one of self acceptance. Pait of it was the spiiitual jouiney of stuuying meuitation anu yoga, anu anothei pait of it was getting into my own foim of theiapy. I founu a hypnotheiapist anu I likeu the fact that she saiu 0A#/&# 8%*)8 !% ;%<# <#&+ B,*C54+ !"&%,8" (!,99-> So, I enueu up puisuing hypnotheiapy as a caieei as well, because I founu that those tools weie so effective in helping me let go of so much of my past stoiy. I also uiu a lot of othei woik. I uiu a lot of visualization. I uiu a lot of jouinaling, wiiting lists, all of that kinu of stuff. But it ieally was the piocess of "looking at" the inteinal woik that neeueu to be uone, what I neeueu to "ielease," that maue the uiffeience. Anu foi me, it happeneu in the last ielationship befoie I met my wife. I was uating this ieally wonueiful woman who physically is a similai type to my wife. She was a yoga teachei. She was a meuitatoi. She liveu a veiy gieen lifestyle iiuing hei bike eveiywheie anu I thought, 0A%.- D"*( *( '#&9#C! 9%& ;# #E!#&)344+2> but she hau this thing of saying, 0A%.- 6%,/&# 3 Ř+ 8! 8,+2 =,!----> Anu theie was always a 0=,!----> Theie was always something that she uiun't like about me anu me being the peison I was, I was always going anu finuing my coaches oi going anu finuing my mentois anu saying, 0D"#&#/( !"*( !"*)8 @ .3)! !% 9*E- D"*( !"*)8 @ .3)! !% C"3)8#-> We uiu this uance foi about thiee months befoie I finally woke up one uay anu went2 06%, 5)%. ."3!F D"#&# Ř+ *()/! 3)+!"*)8 .&%)8 .*!" ;#- @/; G,(! )%! !"# &*8"! 8,+ 9%& "#& 3)7 ("#/( )%! !"# &*8"! '#&(%) 9%& ;#2 (% @ )##7 !% (!%' '43+*)8 !"*( 83;#-> Dhat's when I steppeu asiue anu ieally lookeu at "W"3!/( !"*( 9*)34 '*#C# %9 (#49 3CC#'!3)C# @ )##7 *) %&7#& !% 8#! %,! %9 !"*( C+C4#2" anu - liteially - it was within two weeks that I met 0ina. I staiteu ieally focusing on shifting that last little bit insiue of me, anu theie she was. I always say that eaily on in oui ielationship she saiu to me, 06%,/&# '#&9#C! 9%& ;# #E3C!4+ 3( +%, 3&#- @ 7%)/! )##7 +%, !% C"3)8#2> anu theie was such a ielease anu a ielief anu a ielaxation on my bouy anu my soul. I was like2 01" +#3"- D"3!/( ."3! @/<# =##) C!*)8 *)(*7# %9 ;# 3)7 )%. @ 8#! *! ^#C!#7 =3C5 !% ;#-> Page 11 of 62 "6& F1*6'1,& 53//'/ !"#$#% !'( 3'401# -+3,./ "*# 1#6+",'.-*,8 )# *+$# ),"* '41-#6$#- ,- 1#+663 "*# G#3 "' 5##6,./ 6'$# +.2 5,.2,./ 3'41 -'46 7+"#< K+. )# #A8+.2 '. "*+" -'7# 7'1#9 0ina: Absolutely. 0ui intimate ielationship is something that is ieally a ieflection of what's going on insiue of us. So, if we have a gieat iappoit with ouiselves, if we ieally love anu appiove anu accept all of the paits of us anu we know theie's lots of paits to us. We'ie complex as human beings. Theie's goou, theie's bau anu theie may even be ugly paits - but if we ieally accept all of us, if we ieally love all of the paits of us, that's when we can meet someone else anu expeiience that unconuitional love we'ie looking foi. If we can expeiience that pait of us that ieally loves all of us - exactly as we aie, even with oui impeifections - then we open the uooi foi someone else to love all of us, even with oui impeifections. We like to say we'ie peifectly impeifect. That's when someone shows up anu ieflects the love that's .*!"*) ,(, back to us. So, it's like a miiioi. But it's not a miiioi like in youi bathioom that's a uiiect ieflection. We like to say it's moie like a funhouse miiioi. When you look in the eyes of youi beloveu, you'ie seeing ieflecteu back to you the love that's insiue of you, but it's uistoiteu. It's like a funhouse miiioi. You stanu theie at the funhouse anu you've got this big long heau anu these tiny little feet oi whatevei that image might look like uistoiteu in that funhouse miiioi. That's ieally what enus up happening. So, theie's a uistoition. But still - what exists as the "coie piece" is that level at which you'ie valuing anu loving youiself. Page 12 of 62 6%,& H#43!*%)("*' A*!" 61I @( A"3! :#!#&;*)#( 6%,& H#43!*%)("*' A*!" ? J3) L') E*+" ;'4 M'.0" :,G# JF'4" ;'4 !*')- 48 Natthew: So, foi a specific example: If I have a quality in me which is veiy juugmental. Say I'm juugmental of my own behavioi. I'm juugmental of people aiounu me. Then when I see my paitnei being juugmental, it's going to ieally bothei me because it's a pait of me that I uon't like. It's a pait of me that I'm uncomfoitable. So, when I see somebouy else, especially somebouy who I'm in an intimate ielationship with, being juugmental, it's ieally going to get at me. I'm going to see that quality in hei anu I'm going to go, "0h man. I ieally want to change that in hei!" Anu what we ieally neeu to see is what that ieally means: It means I ieally want to change that in ;#! Because if I'm okay with who I am, anu I'm able to ueal with my own juugment anu see it foi what it is anu ielease it anu let it go, then if somebouy else is being juugmental - I can have that same compassion foi them I have foi myself. Those things that tiiggei us, those behaviois in oui paitnei that just ieally get unuei oui skin, aie ieally that funhouse miiioi of youi own stuff being ieflecteu back to you. Because that peison is just being who they aie. They'ie not uoing oi saying things that aie intentionally meant to bug you (unless they aie - anu that's a uiffeient stoiy we'll ueal with latei) - they'ie just being who they aie. The fact that you like some of what he uoes anu says anu uon't like some of it - that's moie a ieflection of who +%, aie than it is a ieflection of him. Page 1S of 62 86&* A'1 G3,%3H& ?3, P&6#E3'/ !"#$#% !'( ,5 3'401# -##,./ + F#*+$,'1 ,. 3'41 8+1".#1 "*+" ,11,"+"#- 3'4 '1 514-"1+"#- 3'4 ,. -'7# )+3( 1#+663 "*# "1,?G ,- "' 6''G +" 3'41-#65 +.2 -+3( D>- "*+" + F#*+$,'1 "*+" . 6#E& "*+" > 2,-6,G#9H 0ina: Exactly. 0ne of the things we like to talk about is "iesponsibility." Foi you to be "iesponsible" in the best way foi you anu youi ielationship. So you neeu a ieally gieat way of looking at what actually IS youi iesponsibility to take caie of, anu what ISN'T youi iesponsibility to take caie of. This is something that can be veiy confusing foi all of us. So heie's a way to easily uiviue "iesponsibility": 1. If someone has a pioblem with you, it's theii pioblem. It's not something you have to woiiy about. But... 2. If you have a pioblem with someone, now it's youi pioblem. Now is ieally the time to look within anu say, 0A#442 ."+ 7%#( !"3! =%!"#& ;#F A"3!/( 8%*)8 %) *)(*7# %9 ;# !"3!/( ;35*)8 ;# "3<# 3 '&%=4#; .*!" !"*( '#&(%)F> It will lanu in one of those two places. Yes, it coulu be that you have that exact behavioi anu so, you'ie seeing youiself in that peison. That's the Funhouse Niiioi we talkeu about eailiei. You'ie seeing that pait of you that you uon't like, oi it's tiiggeiing something fiom the past. So, it's possible that someone's behavioi coulu be tiiggeiing something anu you'ie expeiiencing it like it happeneu with youi mothei oi youi fathei oi youi best fiienu oi youi fiist boyfiienu oi whatevei that might be. It coulu be tiiggeiing something fiom the past oi it coulu be youi behavioi, youi own. But you want to uo is look within anu ask, 0A"+ *( !"*( =%!"#&*)8 ;#F A"+ *( *! =%!"#&*)8 ;# !"3! !"*( '#&(%) *( =#"3<*)8 Page 14 of 62 !"*( '3&!*C,43& .3+ %& &#('%)7*)8 !% ;# *) !"*( .3+F A"3!/( 8%*)8 %) *)(*7# %9 ;#F> Natthew: It shows up moie specifically when somebouy says, 0A%.- 6%,/&# !345*)8 !% ;# G,(! 4*5# ;+ ;%!"#&- 6%,/&# !345*)8 !% ;# G,(! 4*5# ;+ 93!"#&-> Well, that peison is not youi mothei. Be - oi even she - is not youi fathei. They'ie just uoing what they'ie uoing.
Because that's the kinu of peison you leaineu iepiesenteu love when you weie a chilu. That's the kinu of peison you ieceiveu love - oi what iepiesenteu love - fiom. So, it's about, once again, looking at wheie things ieally come fiom. We tenu to want to put what's happening insiue us - outsiue of ouiselves. We instinctively want to put it on the othei peison. What we'ie saying is: Stop putting it on the othei peison. Stait looking at youiself. Stait looking at that "stoiy." 0ina: Anu that's ieally what we'ie saying when we talk about a tiue soul paitnei. A soul mate. A soul mate is somebouy that you want to woik .*!" you aiounu youi own stuff. Natthew anu I - in oui paitneiship, in oui tiue soul paitneiship - oui peisonal giowth anu the giowth of oui ielationship is all tieu togethei. It's all about giowing to be a bettei peison. Foi me to be the best 0ina. Foi Natthew to be the best Natthew. Woiking togethei foi that. Anu that's what we'ie call a tiue soul paitneiship. =*# 1#+-'. + 7+. ,- "*#1#( +.2 "*+" *# *+- +. D#.#1/3H "*+"0- 6,G# 3'41 7'"*#1 '1 3'41 5+"*#1( '1 +. +"","42# '1 F#6,#5 '1 -8#?,5,? F#*+$,'1 "*+" 1#7,.2- 3'4 '5 + 5##6,./ 3'4 *+2 ),"* 3'41 7'"*#1 '1 3'41 5+"*#1( '1 "*+" N4-" D/#"-H "' 3'4 B ,- F#?+4-# 3'401# +""1+?"#2 "' "*+" '. + -4F?'.-?,'4- 6#$#6 < Page 1S of 62 When you come togethei foi youi inuiviuual giowth - anu we know this path might not be foi eveiybouy - foi som eone who ieally wants to feel love on a ueep soul level, this is the way to get theie. This woik is about looking insiue of you - anu that's the path that we both took. It took me a long time. It took me fiom New Yeai's Eve 1994 of having that iealization anu spenuing all of that time on myself to enu up in a ielationship in 2uu7. That was a long jouiney foi me. What we want to tell women is that we've stumbleu anu maue all of these mistakes - anu so it's possible foi you to get theie on a fast tiack because you uon't have to be stumbling aiounu in aienas that uon't woik. This woik is ieally specific about what's going on with you exactly. What's going on with you specifically. Whatevei it is that's blocking you fiom ieceiving a soul connection with a gieat man who loves you, iight now, it's insiue of you. The love that we uesiie is not outsiue of us. Cultivate it insiue of you fiist, anu that's when it can be ieflecteu back to you thiough the eyes of anothei.
Page 16 of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atthew: Well, the key is in how you communicate. @,/*",./ J.2 K'774.,?+",./ The issue of "fighting" always comes up when we'ie woiking with people, anu so we'ie always askeu: 0:% +%, 8,+( #<#& 9*8"!F> Anu we say to them, 06#3"2 .# 7%-> Anu then the next question is: 0A"3! 7%#( !"3! 4%%5 4*5#F> We say, 0A#442 *! 4%%5( 4*5# 3 9*8"! =#C3,(# .#/&# '#%'4# 4*5# #<#&+=%7+ #4(#2> but heie's what the uiffeience is: Bow uoes it enu up. Wheie uoes it go. That's all in "communication" - anu it's all in B0W you communicate. Page 17 of 62 We talk a lot about this iuea of #;%!*%)34 3,!"#)!*C*!+ anu how to communicate authentically about what's ieally going on insiue of you - as opposeu to what youi ego is attacheu to about the situation. We tenu to get caught up in that ego thing about wanting to be iight. 0i about wanting oui way to be the way that solves things. Anu what we finu is - the tiuth is - that when we get into that place of emotional authenticity, anu we'ie both able to communicate oui tiuth on that level, 38&##;#)! *( )%! &#B,*M So, anothei way of saying that is: >.",7+?3 M'#- O'" P#Q4,1# J/1##7#." 0ina: So, if I'm authentic anu I'm speaking how I feel authentically - anu Natthew also meets me at that high vibiation of authenticity anu he now speaks how he feels authentically, we uon't have to agiee. But that's wheie tiue intimacy occuis. That's ieally the magic of being in a soul paitneiship, because suuuenly you have ieal communication. That's what ieal intimacy is. A"3! "3''#)( *) ;%(! +!*%)("*'( *( !"#&#/( 3 '&%=4#; 3)7 .# *;;#7*3!#4+ 8% *)!% =43;# %& ("3;#- D"#&#/( 344 !"*( 9*)8#& '%*)!*)8 3)7 344 !"*( 0+%,2 +%,2 +%,---> When we have a fight, which I think at this point ieally uoes look uiffeiently than the way most people's "fights" might - sometimes we have those "staying up until two in the moining fights" anu all of that - we expeiience the same things that eveiy othei ielationship goes thiough. If theie's any ielationship expeit out theie that's telling you they uon't fight with theii paitnei, they'ie lying. We want to be authentic anu say, "Yeah, of couise we fight." But what happens in that fight is we both look within. We both say, "Wait a minute. What's going on." anu we communicate veiy authentically about what's happening with us in the moment. I'll communicate what's going on with me. Natthew will communicate what's going on with him. E# F'"* -+3( DE+," + 7,.4"#< E*+"0- /',./ '.9H
Page 18 of 62 Anu we always enu up in this place of this incieuible, magical intimacy. Wheie it feels to both of us that we unueistanu one anothei - on such a ueepei level than the one we staiteu on. It feels tiuly like the "magic of a love on such a ueep soul level" that we all uieam about. It's what we all ieally want, but we can't get theie thiough blame anu shame anu fingei pointing. We have to take iesponsibility foi what's going on with ouiselves. If I'm upset anu I'm tiiggeieu by something, then that's about what's going on with ;#. It's not about whatevei Natthew is uoing. In ielationship, we stait to feel like we'ie iesponsible foi the othei peison's happiness somehow. N,!--- O' I.# >- P#-8'.-,F6# @'1 !'7#'.# R6-#0- L+88,.#-- The only peison's happiness we have any contiol ovei is 00RS. The only peison's behavioi we have contiol ovei is 00RS. We can only contiol the way .# iesponu anu the way .# ieact in the woilu. We nevei have contiol ovei someone else. @ C3) .35# ,' *) !"# ;%&)*)8 3)7 =# *) 3 8! ;%%72 3)7 J3!!"#. %) !"3! (3;# 73+ C3) =# *) 3 =37 ;%%7- ?)7 +%, 5)%. ."3!F D"3!/( %53+- If he wakes up in a bau moou, I'm not tiying to change his moou. Anu the beautiful thing about that is: When he iealizes I'm not tiying to change his moou, then when he ueciues to shift it - which is usually pietty quick - we can =%!" be in a goou moou. But if I suuuenly wanteu to tiy anu change him, he woulu uig his heels in. That's just a natuial human iesponse. Somebouy tiies to change you, what aie you going to uo. You'll uig youi heels in. You'll stake out the position: "No, I'm going to be in a bau moou." So, it's ieally about having that unueistanuing that the only peison you have contiol ovei is you. So, if you want to woik on youiself *) '3&!)#&("*', then just uo the woik on +%, because it's infectious.
Page 19 of 62 A"#) +%, (!3&! !% ("*9! 3)7 C"3)8# ."% +%,/&# =#*)82 3 ;3) ."% Ř+ 4%<#( +%, .*44 (!3&! !% 9%44%. 34%)8- @!/( 4*5# !"*( ",)8#&- O#/44 "3<# !"*( 7#(*&# !% .3)! ."3!#<#& *! *( +%,/<# 8%!- I iemembei yeais ago when I was in this tiansfoimation of ieally evolving who I was being. I was woiking with my boss veiy closely. It was ieally just the two of us in this office anu I was woiking in the music business anu eveiy uay I woulu show up to woik anu just be me authentically anu I iemembei one uay my boss looks at me anu he goes, "What is it that you'ie uoing. I want some." Be's like, "Theie's something going on with you anu I want some of that." That's ieally what I mean about being "infectious." That when we just uo the woik on ouiselves, the people aiounu us will stait to take notice. Anu if they want some of "that" too, they'll stait to ask you about it, anu you'll stait to be able to get in a uialogue about it. But you can't stait off in a ielationship anu say, "I want to change this about you." 0i even !"*)5 "I want to change this about the othei peison." It sets up the iuea anu the agenua that theie's something you neeu to change in him, so then he'u be the peifect fix foi you. That's completely backwaius. If you'ie not happy in youi ielationship, then look within anu see what's ieally going on with you. Ask youiself the question: ?; @ ("%.*)8 ,' 3,!"#)!*C344+. @) %!"#& .%&7(2 3&# +%, Ř+ C%;;,)*C3!*)8 .*!" +%,& '3&!)#& *) 3 .3+ ."#&# +%, 3CC#'! &#('%)(*=*4*!+F A"#&# +%, Ř+ #;=&3C# !"*( *7#3 %9 #;%!*%)34 3,!"#)!*C*!+ 3)7 ('#35 "%. +%, 9##4 *) 3 .3+ !"3! C%;;,)*C3!#(P 01"2 @ "#3& +%,- @ .3)! !% ,)7#&(!3)7 +%,- @ 9##4 9%& +%, 3)7 ."3! C3) .# 7% 3=%,! !"*(F @9 +%,/&# )%! 9##4*)8 8%%72 "%. C3) .# ;35# +%, 9##4 =#!!#&F> E# F'"* -+3( DE+," + 7,.4"#< E*+"0- /',./ '.9H
Page 2u of 62 Anothei thing, too, is when we stait to get in ielationship - being emotionally authentic is the best way to teach someone how you want to be tieateu. When we talk about emotional authenticity, we'ie not talking about just being emotionally authentic when it's those emotions we uon't want to ueal with like angei anu feai anu shame oi blame. Not just those. We also can expiess the bliss anu the joy anu all of the gieat things! It's so nice to be able to communicate to somebouy anu say, "0h wow. It makes me feel so caieu foi that you open the cai uooi foi me. I ieally appieciate that. Thank you." It's such a gieat way. It's such a gieat opening to teach a man how you want to be tieateu simply by speaking how you feel - iegaiuless of having any juugment about him oi his behavioi. Basically - you'ie ieleasing the juugment that's "hookeu up" to whatevei that emotion is you feel. Let's face it. Emotions aie momentaiy. They come anu they go. But when we speak them authentically, something ieally magical happens in oui ielationship. It gives the othei peison an oppoitunity to meet you at that level of openly communicating, anu then, togethei, you take the ielationship to a whole new level. Page 21 of 62 ?'7 "' 9+'< -/=13*= -*0 D&+ J'E& F%'73*=
!"#$#% J.2 "*+"0- $#13 4-#546< !'7#"*,./ )# "13 "' 2' ,- "' /,$# 8#'86# )*' +1# 6,-"#.,./ +?"4+6 +?",'. ,"#7- "*+" "*#3 ?+. 2' +.2 "*+"0- $#13 2#5,.,"#63 '.#< >5 3'4 1#?'/.,S# +. #7'",'.( ,5 3'4 +881#?,+"# -'7#"*,./ "*+" 3'41 8+1".#1 ,- 2',./ 5'1 3'4( "*#. ,5 3'4 $#1F+6,S# ," ,. "*+" 7'7#."( "*#. 3'401# T *+"# "' -+3 ,"( 7+G#- ," -'4.2 6,G# D"1+,.,./(H B F4" 3'401# 1#,.5'1?,./ "*+" F#*+$,'1< ;'401# ?'774.,?+",./ "*+" "*+"0- -'7#"*,./ "*+" 3'4 +881#?,+"# "*+" "*#3 ?+. 2' 5'1 3'4< ;#-9 0ina: Absolutely. Natthew: Exactly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age 22 of 62 !"#8- =' K6#+.,./ V8 =*# @,/*",./ Natthew: Suie. The fiist thing is to take some time aftei you've cooleu uown anu look back at it. Initially, it's going to be uifficult to uo it in the moment. So, you want to be able to look back at an aigument aftei it's uone, anu be able to examine it when you'ie not in the heat of those passions. But once you stait to get a sense of the "stoiy," once you become awaie of !"3!/( 4*5# ;+ ;%; %& !"3!/( ;35*)8 ;# 9##4 7*(&#('#C!#7 %& !"3!/( ;35*)8 ;# 9##4 !"*( .3+, then the way in is always thiough the bouy. It's always in thiough the physical bouy. I'll explain it this way. !"+1" >. ;'41 W'23 When we'ie talking about emotion - we use the same language of feeling as the woius we use when we'ie talking about physical sensation. O%. 7%#( +%,& 5)## 9##4F O%. 7%#( +%,& "#37 9##4F O%. 7% +%, 9##4 &*8"! )%.F O%. 3&# +%, 9##4*)8F So, we know that theie's a coiielation between physical sensation anu emotional feeling. So, to teach youiself to leain the language of emotions - you go into youi bouy anu you stait noticing what you'ie feeling. 01" .%.- @ 9##4 3 " !*8"!)#(( *) ;+ C"#(! %& " C%)(!&*C!*%)- @ 9##4 .#*8"! %) ;+ ("%,47#&(- @ 9##4 3 5)%! *) ;+ 8,!- @ 9##4 )3,(#%,(-> Whatevei those physical sensations aie, they can begin to teach you a lot about what's ieally going on with you. A big pait of it is becoming cuiious. @/; C,&*%,( 3=%,! "%. @/; 9##4*)8- So, you get into the physical bouy as the fiist step. Now, you look at the sensation anu go, 0A"3! *( !"# (#)(3!*%) !#44*)8 ;#F> -because theie can be ieally wonueiful metaphois to help you. Foi example: If it's nausea that you'ie feeling in that situation, then what is it that you'ie ieally having tiouble uigesting about. What is it that you ieally can't seem to swallow, that you can't seem to holu on to. Page 2S of 62 If it's a tightness in youi chest, then what aie you tiying to piotect about youi heait. What aie you tiying to holu onto. What's being squeezeu out of you. All of these can be lookeu at as a soit of uiffeient metaphoiical expiessions of what's going on with us emotionally. X+3 J""#.",'. =' ;'41 W'230- !,/.+6- !"#$#% !'( 8+3 +""#.",'. "' "*# -,/.+6- "*+" 3'4 /#" 51'7 3'41 F'23<<< Natthew: Is 9+&< 4*&. 0ina: Anu I woulu say the othei pait ieally is in how you'ie expiessing what you'ie feeling. Anu ceitainly it's about having compassion with youiself - because we know that when you'ie in the heat of the moment anu you'ie tiiggeieu by something, you may not get to all of these steps, but they'ie what we call the steps to emotional authenticity. So, like Natthew was saying, the way to iuentify emotion can be thiough the bouy - anu that's ieally step one. So, step one to emotional authenticity is simply to iuentify the emotion. So, you'ie able to finish the sentence: "I feel ___" by filling in the blank, that's iuentifying the emotion. Anu iemembei - these aie bouy sensations. This is emotion. @!/( )%! 3 !"%,8"!. A lot of people tenu to get stuck in oui heaus about what we'ie feeling, anu what we'ie feeling is )%! *) %,& "#37- The heau is geneially the place wheie thoughts aie geneiateu. So, getting fiom that place - in the heau anu in youi thoughts - to heai what youi bouy's saying - that's step one to emotional authenticity. Iuentify emotion. I feel - fill in the "blank." 9+&< "7' then is to #E'&#(( !"3! 9##4*)8 +%,/<# *7#)!*9*#7. This can be out louu - anu just to youiself. You just say it out louu. "Wow. I'm ieally fiustiateu iight now" - oi you can say it out louu to someone else... Naybe I'll tell you, Steve, "I'm ieally fiustiateu iight now about this thing that Natthew uiu yesteiuay oi whatevei." So, step two is simply to expiess it. uet it out. Put it into woius. Page 24 of 62 9+&< "6/&& of the steps to emotional authenticity is - #E'&#(( *! .*!" !"# '#&(%) +%,/&# "3<*)8 !"# 9##4*)8 .*!"- That woulu be - if I'm fiustiateu with Natthew foi some ieason, foi me to expiess it to Natthew. I'u say, "I feel ieally fiustiateu iight now." Anu these all compounu. So, we have ! Step 0ne: iuentify the emotion ! Step Two: expiess it to youiself, anu ! Step Thiee is now #E'&#(( *! .*!" !"# '#&(%) +%,/&# "3<*)8 !"# 9##4*)8 .*!"- 9+&< F'1/ is - *) !"# ;%;#)! !"3! *!/( "3''#)*)8. So, Step Thiee (backing up a piece heie) - Step Thiee uoesn't have to be in the moment. Step Thiee is "When that thing happeneu yesteiuay, I was feeling ieally fiustiateu..." oi last week oi last month. Bopefully you uiun't holu on to it anu it's not last yeai. Really, Step Thiee is just that piece of expiessing it to the peison, anu step foui then is in the moment that it's happening. I'u say: "Right now, Natthew, I'm feeling ieally fiustiateu." The last step is the one that neeus a little finessing because Step Five is soit of the culmination. We have iuentify the emotion, expiess it to ouiselves, then expiess it with the peison, then expiess it with the peison in the moment - anu oui 9+&< F3E& is - 3! !"# 3''&%'&*3!# *)!#)(*!+. -nu appiopiiate intensity can be tiicky. Theie'ie a few things we have to take into account - because O%. 7% .# 5)%. *!/( 3''&%'&*3!# 9%& %,& %.) *)!#)(*!+ %9 #;%!*%)F The easy pait - one way of looking at it, one piece that might be in play - is that if somebouy's hau the same behavioi like 97 times anu you nevei pipeu up about how you felt about it, anu it wasn't favoiable, anu you suuuenly flew off the hanule, they woulu look at you like you have thiee heaus. Natthew woulu look at me like, "I've been uoing this foi months," anu I'm like, "Yeah. I know," because it built up. So, that's my iesponsibility. Page 2S of 62 If I uiun't expiess how I felt befoie anu this behavioi has been piesent, then it's not ieally faii to Natthew to suuuenly fly off the hanule. @!/( =##) ;# !"3!/( =##) "%47*)8 %)!% *!- So, I'll acknowleuge that. Anu my intensity of the expiession of that emotion shoulu actually be tempeieu - because I'm feeling it stiongei. Because I've let it go on anu on anu on. R7'",'.- K'78'4.2 Now, the seconu pait to looking at appiopiiateness of intensity is kinu of tiicky because we'ie complex beings - anu what happens is that oui emotions actually compounu. uiief is a gieat example. When we have a loss, when we lose someone, we ieally feel 344 the losses we've evei expeiienceu. We feel all that giief of eveiybouy we've evei lost - anu guilt woiks the same way. uuilt compounus. Betiayal, feeling abanuoneu, all these emotions compounu ovei time. What we have to iealize is that the peison we'ie engaging with in the moment is not iesponsible foi all of the losses oi all of the betiayals oi all the times that you felt that emotion. The othei piece is that we tenu to wait, anu holu onto all of this because we think it's "too small." The iuea of Step Five, appiopiiate intensity is about this waiting anu holuing on. <<<E# "#.2 "' )+,"( +.2 *'62 '."' +66 '5 "*,- F#?+4-# )# "*,.G ,"0- D"'' -7+66<<<H Page 26 of 62 L'62,./ I. J.2 ='.,./ M'). If what we'ie feeling anu expeiiencing is a "level one," uon't holu onto it -because pietty soon it might builu up to a level seven, eight, nine, ten. So, if it's a level one, you can simply expiess how you feel at a level one. If it's a level seven, then you'ie going to expiess it a little moie intensely. Beie's an example of this: We hau a client a while back who is a theiapist. She's a maiiiage anu family theiapist, anu one of the things we iealizeu is that she was ieally soit of "tempeiing" all of hei communication with hei husbanu. Eveiything was toneu uown to a level one oi even point five. So hei husbanu nevei ieally knew what was impoitant. She woulu say with the same soit of tone, "We neeu to get milk," as, "0h, my sistei is getting maiiieu." So, was it impoitant foi them to go to the sistei's weuuing. Be was nevei ieally suie, because hei emotions weie always soit of tampeu uown to what she felt was a veiy "uigestible" level foi him, but he nevei ieally knew what was going on with hei. 0ui paitnei wants to be engageu with us anu so, if we'ie feeling something at a level ten, then we get to expiess it at a level ten - but I piomise you that most of the time, if we'ie just soit of cleaning as we go anu not letting things builu up, level ten uoesn't come into play iight away. Nost of the time level ten means you've been holuing onto it. So, if we just expiess how we feel at that level thiee, foui, five - whatevei it is that's going on with us all along - then we'ie not letting things builu up. =*# O'.BY,'6#." =#786+"# We give oui clients a template that I think is ieally helpful. It's ieally basic non-violent communication - anu it goes like this: "I feel ___" anu you fill in the blank. When you fill in that blank , now you have two options: ;'41 7+. EJO=! "' F# #./+/#2 ),"* 3'4<<< Page 27 of 62 Fiist choice option is "Can we please" - anu you offei a solution. The seconu choice option is you make a iequest with a solution. So, seconu choice option is "Woulu you please." That's a iequest. So, heie's an example: @ 9##4 )#84#C!#7 ."#) +%, 7%)/! !35# %,! !"# 83&=38#- A%,47 +%, '4#3(# ;35# 3) #99%&! !% )%!*C# ."#) !"# 83&=38# *( 9,44 344 %) +%,& %.) 3)7 !35# !"# 83&=38# %,!F The key is to be ieally expiessing how we'ie feeling. So many of us get stuck in oui heaus, anu stait to piocess the situation in oui heaus - we'll be like, "Why am I feeling neglecteu because the gaibage isn't taken out." It's not about piocessing thiough an intellectual thought. 0ui emotions uon't have a system. The biain is veiy systematizeu anu oui thoughts aie veiy systematizeu, but emotions uon't have a system. It's not like theie's a iesolution at the enu. All that youi emotions aie meant to uo is to be in the moment anu to be expiesseu. So, it's not about piocessing "Why uo I feel this way. It's ieally about saying, "0h, I feel this. Let me expiess it," anu when we get to uo that with oui paitnei, we get to have that exchange of ieal intimacy, which is what oui soul uesiies. So, this opens up the way foi communication. What we like to say is that - ieally, this piocess is about speaking how you feel iegaiuless of the expectations of otheis. What we tenu to uo is - we tempei ouiselves oi we holu onto stuff oi we let stuff builu up because we think that's not appiopiiate oi that's not impoitant enough. If you'ie feeling it, you aie impoitant enough. If you feel it, it's impoitant enough to be biought up. }ust iemembei - it coulu be biought up at one of those lowei levels of intensity. It uoesn't have to be a big chest-beating expiession of youi emotion. It can simply be just expiessing what you'ie feeling in that moment. Page 28 of 62 8'/H,6&&+ 9+&<, "' Q;'+3'*#% -1+6&*+323+C
1. Iuentify emotion (I feel ___________).
2. Expiess it.
S. With the peison you aie having it with.
4. In the moment it is happening.
S. At the appiopiiate intensity.
Page 29 of 62 0ltimately this means you must ,<&#H 6'7 C'1 (&&% /&=#/0%&,, '( +6& &R<&2+#+3'*, '( '+6&/,. By being 1uu% authentic you aie valuing youiself. Nemoiize this template foi communicating emotions authentically:
S. (&&% TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTL
86&* C'1 TTTTTTTTTTTTTTL
)#* 7& <%&#,& L L LU IP S8'1%0 C'1 <%&#,&L L LU
Page Su of 62 ?&#%3*= -*0 5'E3*= 4* F/'; ?&#/+$/&#H !"#$#% !'( )#01# "+6G,./ +F'4" F#,./ ,. + 1#6+",'.-*,8( +.2 -'7# ",8- +.2 "1,?G- 5'1 *') "' 7+.+/# "*# ?'774.,?+",'. F#")##. 3'4( F4" 6#"0- 7'$# 541"*#1 2'). "*# 1#6+",'.-*,8 23.+7,?< :#"0- -+3 "*+" 3'40$# /'.# "*1'4/* +66 '5 "*+" +.2 3'40$# F1'G#. 48 ),"* -'7#F'23< J1# "*#1# -8#?,5,? )+3- "' 2#+6 ),"* *#+1"F1#+G9 >5 3'40$# *+2 3'41 *#+1"F1'G#.( 2'#- "*+" 1#+663 +55#?" "*# )+3 "*+" 3'4 "*#. +881'+?* .#) 1#6+",'.-*,8-9 0ina: Well, I think we've all hau oui heaits bioken anu so, that's just a piocess of how things go. I know one of the biggest gifts that I got in my jouiney to Natthew was ieally to just be in the space aftei a ielationship enueu wheie I wanteu to finu what I like to call the "goluen nugget." What was the goluen nugget. If I was in a ielationship with this peison anu it uiun't woik out, then that meant foi me immeuiately that theie was a ieason. Theie was a ieason that it uiun't woik out - anu I uon't necessaiily neeu to figuie that pait out - but what I neeu to figuie out is: What was the gift foi me to uiscovei about myself in that ielationship. I'll give a ieal specific example fiom my own expeiience: I uateu a guy nameu }im. It's a geneiic name, so I'll shaie his name. In that ielationship, when it enueu - it enueu in a funky way. I soit of staiteu the enuing of it anu he soit of finisheu the enuing of it. It took me a long time to uiscovei that goluen nugget. I kept thinking, "Why uiun't this woik out. Theie must be something foi me to leain," anu what I iealizeu in hinusight looking back - it Page S1 of 62 wasn't so much about }im oi me anu }im. It was ieally about }im anu his family. Eveiy family ceitainly has theii uysfunction anu his family ceitainly hau theii uysfunction, but one of the things that his family uiu in a lovely way is that they loveu one anothei iespectfully. I'u been uating }im long enough to meet his family anu his extenueu family - anu they all hau a iespectful love foi one anothei. I've got to tell you - foi me that was quite foieign. What I uiscoveieu, that goluen nugget foi me, was that I ieally wanteu a ielationship that hau iespectful love in it, anu that I hau giown up in a family uynamic wheie theie wasn't any such thing as iespect. In my family of oiigin, "I love you" actually was equal to "I uon't iespect you," because in my family of oiigin "I love you" meant "I can then uo anything to you anu theie's no bounuaiy between you anu me." Respectful love actually has a bounuaiy. So, having that uiscoveiy, I then staiteu to woik on me. I suuuenly iealizeu if I want to ieceive iespectful love, then I neeu to leain how to give iespectful love. So, I staiteu with myself anu my ielationship with me anu then I giew it out to my fiienus anu my family, as best I coulu, anu onwaiu anu to piacticing iespectful love in my othei ielationships. uiving it anu then being open to ieceive it. To have that unueistanuing was ieally the goluen nugget. So, some nuggets may not be as huge. That to me was a ieally big aha moment fiom that ielationship. What you want to uo if a ielationship enus is to look back anu goP 0A#442 ."3! 7*7 @ 4#3&) 3=%,! ;#F @( *! (%;#!"*)8 !"3! @ .3)! !% C,4!*<3!# ;%&#F O%. 7*7 @ ("%. ,' 3)7 ."3! .3( 8%*)8 %) *)(*7# %9 ;#2 (% !"3! @ C3) (## ."3! @ ;*8"! .3)! !% ("*9! !% "3<# ;+ *7#34 +!*%)("*'-> 0ne of the othei things I want to shaie about heaitbieak is something I heaiu a long, long time ago. I uiun't quite know what it meant at the time, but I feel like I ieally have a ueep unueistanuing of it now - anu Page S2 of 62 that was this notion that when oui heait bieaks, it actually bieaks open to holu moie love. Whethei it's the enu of a ielationship anu you'ie healing, oi you'ie in a ielationship cuiiently anu uisappointeu, oi you'ie let uown by youi paitnei by a paiticulai event - it can feel like heaitbieak. I know that in my ielationship with Natthew theie have been times wheie I was uisappointeu about something anu felt that feeling of heaitbieak. The fiist time that that happeneu I felt like somebouy hau hit me in the stomach because I felt like, "0h my uou. I'm with my soul mate anu I thought I'u nevei feel this feeling again." That oveiwhelming feeling of like being puncheu in the gut. When that aii just gets suckeu out of you of like, "0h my uou. I'm so heaitbioken in this moment." When that happens, if I can stait to think of it fiom that peispective of ;+ "#3&!/( =#*)8 =&%5#) %'#) !% "%47 ;%&# 4%<# - it gets bettei. Eveiy time Natthew has uisappointeu me oi I've uisappointeu him, anu we then communicate authentically to get to the othei siue of it - oui ielationship is not only stiongei, but my heait has bioken open to holu moie love foi this amazing man. Natthew: That's so wonueiful eveiy time I heai that. So, the othei pait of the question you askeu is how uoes heaitbieak affect us anu how uoes that then affect the way we move foiwaiu. =*# Z'62#. O4//#" Z'#- =')+12 L#+6,./ 0ftentimes, what we uo is insteau of looking foi that goluen nugget is to go the opposite uiiection. We constiict - anu the way we constiict is we say, "I uon't like this feeling. I nevei want to feel this way again, so what uo I neeu to uo in oiuei to avoiu this in the futuie." Foi example, we hau a client who came to us because he was having lots of tioubles in his maiiiage anu he was ieally looking at: "What iole am I playing heie. What iole am I playing." At the time, his wife was being veiy uismissive of him, not wanting him to show anu expiess all his eneigy. She kept saying, "Can you tone it uown. Can you tone it uown." It was ieally ciushing his spiiit. Page SS of 62 So, we weie looking at - What was his iole in this. What pait uiu he play. - anu what we began to iealize was his iole in this was: Why he chose to maiiy hei. The ieason he chose to maiiy hei was because the woman pievious to him hau cheateu on him, anu he saiu, "I nevei want to be cheateu on again. So, I'm going to choose someone who won't cheat" - anu that became such an impoitant value to him that it oveishauoweu othei values that weie also veiy impoitant. Be uiu what he saiu he'u uo. Be maiiieu a woman will nevei cheat. She's veiy faithful, but she's also someone who can't accept him as who he is. So, we uo that all the time. We choose values that aie impoitant to us because they'ie in ieaction to things that happen to us. So, what we want to uo is we uon't want to constiict ouiselves in that way. We still want to iealize that just because we hau heaitbieak, just because things uiun't woik out, uoesn't mean we still can't ask foi all that we want. We neeu to keep that sense of possibility open. Anu the way to uo it is to ielease that negative emotion that's associateu with the heaitbieak. That's associateu with - the cheating oi the uisappointment oi whatevei that stoiy is foi you - anu to ielease that, so then you can keep open that possibility. Looking foi anu finuing that goluen nugget is a ieal key to ieleasing that. 0ina: 0ne of the othei pieces too is when we'ie in "ieaction," we'ie soit of pigeonholeu into this little space that's veiy constiicting. It's like if the last boyfiienu was a gamblei, so you nevei want a gamblei. The last guy was a uiunk, so you just want someone sobei. It soit of pigeonholes this focus in ieaction to the thing we uon't want, anu because we'ie eneigetic beings, the ieality is we'ie still tieu into the eneigy of the gamblei. We'ie tieu into the eneigy of the uiunk. We'ie tieu into those negative eneigies. We'ie putting oui focus in the wiong uiiection - saying, "Well, I uon't want that, so I'm going to choose this," anu that isn't fiom the space of youi heait's uesiie. D<<<C3 *#+1"0- F#,./ F1'G#. '8#. "' *'62 7'1# 6'$#<<<H Page S4 of 62 When we talk about cieating a soul mate paitneiship, we'ie talking about a tiue soul paitneiship that comes fiom the limitless tiue heait's uesiie. We'ie talking about "What uo I ieally want. If I can have eveiything, what uoes my heait ieally uesiie." The answei isn't in ieaction to the last bieakup. So, foi healing that pait of us aftei a bieakup - I think it's so impoitant to take the time with ouiselves to ieally open up anu have compassion anu foigiveness foi all paities. Page SS of 62 P#0 P'C, -*0 D''0 D1C, Natthew: We see this bau boy vs. goou guy pattein show up with oui clients in a veiy specific way. We've been seeing this a lot lately: "6&/&B, +63, 30&# '( +6& ,+/1==%& $&+7&&* +6& =1C C'1B/& /&#%%C #++/#2+&0 +'V 76'B, *'+ =''0 ('/ C'1V #*0 +6& =1C 76' C'1 ,6'1%0 $& 73+6 $&2#1,& 6& /&#%%C %'E&, C'1V $1+ +6&/&B, *' /&#% #++/#2+3E& &*&/=CL Anu when you'ie having that eitheioi - well, eithei theie's uangeious guys, who I'm ieally attiacteu to, oi theie's these nice guys, who I'm not attiacteu to, anu those aie my only options, then that's ieally cleai that at some point you maue a choice about heaitbieak. Somewheie, you saiu, "I'm not going to let this happen to me again," anu how it's showing up is seeing a limit in what's available to you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ina: This is ieally inteiesting because when people go off anu stait uating; one of the biggest tools anu most accessible tools out theie iight now is all of those online uating iesouices. Page S6 of 62 Theie aie all of these online uating sites anu it uoesn't mattei which site you go to. They all soit of boil it uown, ask you a bunch of questions anu tiy to match you up with somebouy who is like you -anu it's unfoitunate, because ieally !"# 5#+ !% 3!!&3C!*%) *( *) !"# 7*99#&#)C#(. The key is ieally that attiaction is boin out of the uiffeiences. You can even say it's boin out of the conflicts. Anu that's not something theie's an "algoiithm" foi, which is why it's not available on inteinet uating sites. It's not like they'ie going to hook you up with the "opposite of you"- because ceitainly theie shoulu be some coie elements that you shaie with youi paitnei. But the ieal key to attiaction is that - A"3! @ )##7 *) +!*%)("*' *( 3C!,344+ !"# %''%(*!# %9 ."3! J3!!"#. )##7( *) +!*%)("*' 3)7 !"3!/( ."+ !"#&# *( 3) 3!!&3C!*%) =#!.##) ,(- Baving each of us get oui neeus met is the uance that we play in ielationship anu that's how healthy ielationships play out. Youi paitnei neeus one thing anu you neeu something else. Anu oftentimes it's the opposite. Anu how you get those neeus met anu you both feel fulfilleu is what we call cieating that .*)L.*). That we both win. That's what we'ie always looking foi in oui ielationship anu it's how we coach oui clients to be in ielationship. To have this unueistanuing that youi neeu in ielationship is something that is not going to be fulfilleu by youi paitnei 247.
Page S7 of 62 So, he neeus his space, but I neeu to be emotionally connecteu to him. Anu the uance that we uo is that we both get oui neeus met. Be gets his space anu I get to feel emotionally connecteu, but I'm not going to feel emotionally connecteu to Natthew eveiy minute of eveiy uay. Nobouy can give you that. Not even a mothei to a chilu. So many motheis aie tiying to give that to theii chiluien out theie anu it's not possible. K%2 @ )##7 !% &#C%8)*Q# ."#) *!/( *;'%&!3)! 9%& ;# !% 9##4 C%))#C!#7- If I'm feeling uisconnecteu fiom Natthew - I neeu to know how to ask foi what I neeu in a way wheie he can step up anu fulfill that. }ust like he neeus to ask foi "space" when he iequiies it. When he feels like he neeus that space. So, that's... =*# M+.?# I5 W#,./ >. J P#6+",'.-*,8 It's about having this unueistanuing that when you'ie attiacteu to somebouy they'ie going to want something in the ielationship that's uiffeient fiom what you want - anu that it's not about a "negotiation." Natthew anu I ieally uon't like the negotiation because it boils a ielationship uown to a business aiiangement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age S8 of 62 Natthew: It sounus exactly iight, but it leaus to anothei soit of myth about ielationship, which is this iuea of the: @+46"3 P#6+",'.-*,8 C+"* That one plus one equals one. That in some way on an emotional level - maybe not on a genetic level, but on an emotional level - that we aie lacking in something, in some quality. We'ie lacking in some pait of ouiselves anu that othei peison is going to fill that hole. So, the two of us - I iemembei as a chilu theie was a penuant that you got. It was a heait anu it was bioken in half anu you woie one half anu the giil you weie with woie the othei half. This iuea that you completeu each othei. What we ieally like to see anu get people to unueistanu is that you aie complete in anu of youiself anu we have a uiffeient faulty math. 0ui math actually says one plus one equals thiee because it's two whole beings coming togethei cieating this thiiu thing calleu the ielationship. When you stait looking at it that way, you stait iealizing - 0@ )##7 !% 9##7 !"# +!*%)("*' *) %&7#& !% 5##' *! !"&*<*)8-> ;IV K'4." 0ina: Anu that actually biings me to anothei point. A lot of times women tenu to saciifice themselves in ielationship. We talk to so many women who aie like, "I gave eveiything anu it still uiun't woik out," anu that's exactly the iole these women aie playing in the uemise of the ielationship - they gave eveiything! Whatevei youi belief, whatevei youi highei powei, uou, uouuess, 0niveise, whatevei it is - we believe no highei powei will say that you uon't mattei. ?)7 ."#) +%, (3C&*9*C# (#492 +%,/&# (3+*)8 +%, 7%)/! ;3!!#&- The key is ieally to have this unueistanuing of... Page S9 of 62 0@ C%,)!- @ ;3!!#&- A"3! @ 9##4 ;3!!#&(- R#! ;# #E'&#(( "%. @ 9##42 ("%. ,' 3,!"#)!*C344+ .*!" 344 %9 ."% @ 3;2 (% !"3! !"3! C3) =# ^#C!#7 =3C5 !% ;# 3)7 @ C3) #)838# *) '3&!)#&("*' .*!" 3)%!"#& '#&(%)-> So, this one plus one equals thiee is ieally the best soit of visual that we have foi how this is cieateu. That you show up whole anu complete, anu you come into paitneiship with anothei peison who's whole anu complete, anu that equals a soul mate paitneiship. That's youi thiiu entity. K%2 %)# '4,( %)# #B,34( !"3! !"*&7 #)!*!+ %9 !"# (%,4 ;3!# C%))#C!*%) 3)7 +%,/&# =%!" ."%4#2 =#*)8 *) '3&!)#&("*' !%8#!"#&- Page 4u of 62 M1* F/'; .*+&*,3+C K .+B, A'1/ )%1& "6#+ 9';&+63*= ., 8/'*= !"#$#% J.2 "*+" +?"4+663 6#+2- 7# "' +.'"*#1 "*'4/*"( )*,?* ,- "*+" +/# '62 Q4#-",'. '5 +7 > 5+66,./ ,. 6'$# '1 +7 > 5+66,./ ,. 64-"9 =*#1# +1# "*'-# ",7#- )*#. 3'4 7##" -'7#F'23 +.2 3'4 /#" "*+" 1#+663 G,.2 '5 ,."#.-# ?'..#?",'. 5'1 -'7# 1#+-'.( )*+"#$#1 ," 7,/*" F#< >- "*+" 6,G#63 "' F# "*# -'46 ?'..#?",'. "*+" 3'401# "+6G,./ +F'4" '1 ,- ," 7'1# 6,G#63 "' F# "*# 5+66,./ ,. 64-" 5+?"'1 "*+" >07 "+6G,./ +F'4"9 Natthew: We actually have a slightly uiffeient way of looking at that intensity. We say that feai anu excitement aie basically the same physical sensation, but feai has physical uangei in it anu excitement uoesn't - anu that we oftentimes confuse the two. We get feaiful when we'ie uoing something that's ieally actually exciting like public speaking oi something like that - anu what we want people to unueistanu is that intensity, that excitement is actually a 9#3& iesponse. The way we came up with this unueistanuing is we weie woiking with a lot of clients who hau some foim of abuse in theii past, whethei it's emotional abuse oi physical abuse. Invaiiably they woulu say that when they met that peison who enueu up being a mouel foi that abuse, that initially - when the ielationship staiteu - theie was this intensity. D"3! *! .3( 4*5# !"# '#&(%) C%,47 (## &*8"! !"&%,8" !"#; 3)7 G,(! 5)#. !"#; 3)7 !"#+ .#&# C%))#C!#7 %) !"*( Ř+ 7##'2 *)!#)(# 4#<#4- We say when you feel that feeling, iun away because it's just going to leau to tiouble. Page 41 of 62 It's just going to leau to you playing out something that's fiom a veiy eaily age. What we founu when we came togethei was a much uiffeient feeling - anu I think 0ina uoes a ieally gieat job of talking about it anu uesciibing that. 0ina: I think a lot of people think, "Well, if I uon't have that intense connection, pooh. I uon't want it." The ieality is - when you have a tiue soul mate connection with somebouy, wow. It's so much bettei than "intense" connection - because what's tieu into that intense connection is a lot of angst. It's a feeling that feels out of contiol. I can tell you that was the feeling I felt with Ni. New Yeai's Eve 1994. This veiy intense connection. @! C3) 34(% ("%. ,' 3( L 3)7 9##4 4*5# L 3 (*8) %9 93;*4*3&*!+- It's a subconscious signal saying, "This is familiai to me." Now, it coulu be familiai to you because it's goou, oi it coulu be familiai to you because it's bau. Youi subconscious actually uoesn't holu juugment. All it's telling you is - !"*( *( 93;*4*3&. Anu at the time, with Ni. New Yeai's Eve 1994, wow. I thought this intense connection meant I was supposeu to be with this peison. That he was the one. That it was all of these things. Anu it wasn't. Really, all that it was telling me was - !"*( *( 93;*4*3&. D"*( 8,+ "3( !"# C3'3C*!+ !% "3&; +%, !"# .3+ +%, .#&# "3&;#7 *) +%,& 93;*4+ %9 %&*8*).
Page 42 of 62 )1/3',3+C 5#H&, - M&#% )'**&2+3'* 0ina: When I met Natthew I hau a uiffeient kinu of connection with him. It was a feeling of cuiiosity. The intensity was uiffeient, moie in a cuiious place. I hau this intense cuiiosity about him. I felt like I was constantly in this place of uiscoveiy. It was like a wonuei-ness. That I wanteu to know moie about him. I was like, "Wow. This guy is so - I just want to know moie about him." We met thiough a business netwoiking gioup - anu so when we weie engaging with each othei, we weie out at business netwoiking meetings. We woulu liteially stanu in the paiking lot anu talk at one of oui cais when eveiybouy was gone. The place was empty. The people that woikeu theie weie gone, anu we'ie still in the paiking lot talking because we hau just this connection of cuiiosity anu uiscoveiy about one anothei. @ G,(! #)G%+#7 =#*)8 *) "*( '&#(#)C# *) 3 .3+ !"3! .3( '#3C#9,4- In a way that was veiy, veiy uiffeient fiom that ciazy, intense connection that has angst attacheu to it. It's something that I've heaiu people in the past say. They'u say, "0h, when you meet the iight one you know," anu it always useu to confuse me anu peiplex me. I woulu say, "Well, I thought I knew," but then it uiun't woik out - so then I uiun't know. K%2 !"#) "%. 7% +%, 5)%. ."#) +%, Ř+ 5)%.F All I can say is - when you meet that soul mate, when you meet that tiue soul paitnei, it will feel uiffeient than it's evei felt foi you befoie. Page 4S of 62 It will be a new feeling. Theie will be a connection anu an attiaction that is beyonu woius to uesciibe. I'm ieally having tiouble finuing woius to uesciibe it, but foi me it ieally felt like this cuiiosity. Anu this feeling of being in this place of uiscoveiy anu just simply wanting to be in this man's piesence. Page 44 of 62 5#//C3*= A'1/,&%( !"#$#% J.2 51'7 #$#13"*,./ 3'401# -+3,./( ," ?,1?6#- F+?G "' )*+" )# )#1# ?'$#1,./ ,. "*# F#/,..,./ B )*,?* ,- "*+" '.# '5 "*# 7'-" ,78'1"+." 5+?"'1- 5'1 + 1#6+",'.-*,8 ,- "1463 G.'),./ 3'41-#65( -' 3'4 ?+. 5," ,."' "*# 1#6+",'.-*,8 ,. "*# F#-" )+3 8'--,F6#< 0ina: Yeah. You can show up as who you ieally aie. We want to be loveu foi who we ieally aie. It's this weiiu uichotomy that exists in iomance. It's like we want to be loveu foi who we ieally aie, but yet so many of us aie teiiifieu to show up as who we ieally aie. A#442 "%. 3&# .# 8%*)8 !% =# 4%<#7 9%& ."% .# Ř+ 3&# *9 .#/&# '43+*)8 !"*( .#*&7 73)C# %9 !.*(!*)8 *)!% 3 '&#!Q#4 !% !&+ 3)7 !35# 3 ("3'# !"3! .# !"*)5 !"# %!"#& '#&(%) ;3+ 4*5#F "0h, I think if I behave this way, he'll like me," oi "I think if I behave that way, he'll call me." It's this weiiu game we play. Anu if we sheu all of that, if we sheu the game, anu we ieally want a soul mate connection - then it comes back to that age olu saying: Know thyself. Know thyself. Accept thyself. Love thyself. Really step into that place of ieally honoiing anu cheiishing you. Aftei that New Yeai's Eve of '94, seveial yeais latei actually - I live in southein Califoinia. I'u gone uown to venice Beach anu I bought this iing - a simple banu. It was a silvei banu. I was weaiing silvei jeweliy at the time anu I went uown to the beach anu I maiiieu myself. I maiiieu me anu it sounueu kinu of coiny, but it was so impoitant to me. }ust like my weuuing banu now that I look at anu it ieminus me of the commitment I have with Natthew anu it makes me smile eveiy time I look at it. Page 4S of 62 That silvei banu, I still have it. That plain silvei banu that I bought in venice Beach that uay anu I went anu maiiieu myself anu I piomiseu to love, honoi anu cheiish me anu I hau nevei uone that befoie. I hau nevei ieally committeu to myself on such a ueep level. I know uoing that changeu so much foi me because it iaiseu that level again of how I was valuing me. @9 @ .3( C%;;*!!#7 !% ;#2 *! ;#3)! @ .3( *)<34,3=4#. So, that's such an impoitant key. O%. 3&# +%, !!*)8 +%,&(#49F ?&# +%, !!*)8 +%,&(#49 !"# .3+ +%, .3)! !% =# !!#7 =+ +%,& '3&!)#&F A"#) +%, ;35# ;*(!35#(2 =#C3,(# .# 344 7%2 3&# +%, "3&7 %) +%,&(#49F Bo you sit theie anu beat youiself up foi uays. 0i uo you just embiace youiself anu say, "Wow. I uiu the best I coulu anu I messeu that up. 0h, that's fiustiating." Then go, "0kay. I'm going to shake that off. I'm going to still love me in my impeifect foim." X1#"S#6 =),-",./ Natthew: 0ne of the things 0ina mentioneu in theie I think is woith talking about, which is what we always call "pietzel twisting." A# 3(5 %,&(#4<#( S 0A"3! ("3'# C3) @ !35# !"3! .*44 =# 4%<#3=4# =+ !"*( %!"#& '#&(%)F> I think how that shows up sometimes is what I iefei to as the bait anu switch, which is you get into a ielationship with a peison anu they'ie one way anu they seem to like all the things you like anu they seem to want to uo what you want to uo - anu as soon as theie's a commitment in the ielationship, whethei it's maiiiage oi moving in togethei, it's like suuuenly things stait to change. Now this peison says, "0h, I can ielax now anu be myself because I've got the commitment," anu the othei peison is like, "What happeneu to that peison I fell in love with who likeu all the things I likeu." This is such a big pioblem in ielationship because so many people aien't being authentic fiom the beginning. Also - I uon't think that inauthenticity comes fiom a uevious place. It comes moie fiom a feai that the peison won't love you foi who you aie. Page 46 of 62 When we step into that, anu ieally iealize that the fiist step is we have to love ,( foi who we aie anu then tiuly uo love us foi who we aie - we can't )%! be authentic in ielationship. !"#$#% ;#- +.2 ,"0- $#13 *+12 )'1G "13,./ "' F# -'7#F'23 #6-# + 6'" '5 "*# ",7#< Natthew: Yeah. 0ina: Yeah. It's exhausting. ;'4 J1# LRPR Natthew: You aie peifect as you aie. Theie's nothing wiong with you. What's ieally inteiesting is when we get with a client, we heai hei stoiy. We finu out wheie she came fiom, how hei paients weie, hei patteins in ielationship, the beliefs that she has in ielationship. We look at all that anu we put it togethei anu we go, "Wow. I get it. I get it why you aie exactly wheie you aie. Anu theie's nothing wiong with wheie you aie - because if we hau maue those same uecisions anu we hau hau that same backgiounu, we'u be in the same place." So, the iealization that wheie you aie is exactly wheie you'ie supposeu to be - anu that theie's nothing wiong with wheie you aie - is veiy poweiful. It uoesn't leau to a complacency as much as it leaus to an unueistanuing anu an acceptance anu a lack of iesistance to being wheie you aie. Then you can say, "0kay. This is wheie I am. Wheie uo I want to be anu what uo I neeu to uo anu who uo I neeu to become to get to that place I want to be." 0ina: It's soit of like if you hau a map - anu let's say you'ie at the mall anu you'ie looking foi Noiustiom's - well you'll finu Noiustiom's on the map, but if theie isn't a "You aie heie" spot, which we know is usually Page 47 of 62 the fiist thing you look foi - then how to you get fiom "heie" to "theie". Wheie am I. Now, wheie's Noiustiom's. That iuea of @/; '#&9#C! 3( @ 3;- @ 3; &*8"! ."#&# @ 3;2 anu this iuea of accepting all that is in this moment - that's what neeus to happen. That "you aie heie" spot on youi map. If youi uestination is a soul mate ielationship, well how aie you going to get theie unless you know wheie you aie now. So, you want to accept insteau of iesist all that is in this moment. When you move into acceptance anu say, "0h, this is wheie I am iight now anu these aie the patteins that I've cieateu in my ielationships up until this point" - now you'ie in a gieat place to shift that anu move foiwaiu towaiu that uestination point of a soul mate ielationship. Page 48 of 62 ., "6&/& 4*%C 4*& 9'1%;#+& F'/ A'1:
0ina: I like to think that a lot of it has to uo with timing. Some people believe that a soul mate is somebouy who teaches you something - anu then they move on anu you move on to someone else who is a soul mate also... anu then they teach you something anu you move on. I uon't think it woiks like that. I think we come togethei with oui soul mate anu that timing has a lot to uo with it. So, it's not that you neeu to seaich out that one peison out of the six billion on the planet. I think it's a timing thing. It's that iuea of watei seeking its own level. It's that when you ieach the top of that mountain foi you, you will ieach the top of that mountain anu come into paitneiship with the peison who's at that same level as you. Anu that is youi soul mate foi this lifetime. So, I uon't believe you go fiom soul mate to soul mate. I believe that we have one soul mate, but it's one foi this lifetime. @!/( )%! %)# ('#C*9*C '#&(%). Timing has a lot to uo with it. Youi soul mate is a peison you'ie going to spenu youi life with - in peisonal anu spiiitual giowth togethei, wheie the commitment is to stay togethei anu woik thiough things togethei, so that you giow togethei, leain togethei anu shaie all the joys anu giief that life has to offei togethei. !"#$#% M' > *+$# 7'1# "*+. '.# '8",'. '4" '5 "*# -,A F,66,'. 8#'86#9 Natthew: Yes. 0ina: Yes. !"#$#% >5 > )#1# + )'7+.( "*#. "*#1# 7+.3 7#. )*' 7,/*" +?"4+663 F# +F6# "' F# 73 -'46 7+"#9 Page 49 of 62 Natthew: Yes. 0ina: Yeah. J C+. >- >.-8,1#2 W3 L,7-#65 Natthew: So, oftentimes we get stuck with that iuea that theie's eithei the guy I'm ieally attiacteu to oi theie's the guy who's nice, but I just uon't have any eneigy with. Anu the guy that you'ie ieally attiacteu to has those qualities of eithei being unavailable oi being an auuict oi being in some way not able to be theie foi you. In that situation, you get this iuea that: If you can just be goou enough, you'll inspiie him to change. This is the tiap that so many women get into. What we want to iealize is that the guy out theie foi you is inspiieu by himself anu his own uesiie to be a bettei peison. Be has to want to change anu he's out theie uoing that woik. You neeu to step out of the loop of this guy veisus that guy anu begin to open up the iealization that theie aie plenty of othei guys out theie who aie woiking on themselves, who aie giowing, who aie expanuing, who aie going ueepei anu ueepei into becoming the best peison they can be. It's about stepping out of the uouble binu oi the blinueis that say theie's ieally only two types of guys available to me. That's about uoing the innei woik on youiself to become available to that othei guy who is out theie woiking on himself foi himself. So, the way we look at soul mates is not necessaiily that theie's one soul out theie foi you in this vast sea of the billions of people on the planet anu you'ie in some way going to stumble upon him. The way we always think of anu talk about a soul mate paitneiship is this iuea of two people who aie on a path of giowth, spiiitual giowth, peisonal giowth - whatevei that is anu they come togethei in ielationship to suppoit each othei in the continuation of that giowth. This iuea that we'ie heie on Eaith school anu that we'ie meant to leain something anu that one of the things we'ie meant to leain is how to be in ielationship anu what being in ielationship can teach us moie about ouiselves. Page Su of 62 0ina: 0ne of the things that Natthew anu I ieally uiscoveieu about one anothei ieally eaily on, which was so uelicious about coming togethei, was that we hau both iealizeu inuiviuually when we weie alone anu not in ielationship that you actually giow exponentially when you'ie in paitneiship. So, the woik of uoing peisonal giowth anu spiiitual giowth actually acceleiates when you'ie in paitneiship with anothei peison. Both Natthew anu I hau come to a place wheie we'ie like, "0kay. I'm not ieally suie what else I'm supposeu to uo on my own heie. Wheie's my paitnei to take the iest of the ioau togethei with me now." Anu that's ieally what we call a soul mate. Somebouy who wants to woik with you, so that they can giow peisonally anu spiiitually alongsiue you. !"#$#% J.2 -'7#",7#- "*+" )'462 6''G 6,G# F#,./ "1,//#1#2 F3 "*#7< Natthew: It coulu look like being tiiggeieu by them. uetting tiiggeieu can be the clue that that lets you know you'ie looking at a possible soul paitneiship. That a tiue soul paitneiship is wheie it goes fiom theie. We'ie going to be tiiggeieu by anybouy we'ie in intimate ielationship with. The question is what uo you uo with the tiiggei. Bo you go ueepei with it. Bo you get into communication about it. Bo you leain moie about youiself. Bo you leain how to giow '3(! the tiiggei - oi uo you stay in that ego place of 0@/<# =##) !&*88# 3)7 +%,/<# *) (%;# .3+ ;37# ;# .&%)82> oi 06%,/<# *) (%;# .3+ 7%)# (%;#!"*)8 !"3! !&*88# ;# 3)7 +%, )##7 !% 7% (%;#!"*)8 3=%,! !"3!>F
Page S1 of 62 P&2';3*= 9'1%;#+&, F/'; 86&/& A'1 -/& @'7 !"#$#% IG+3< E*+" -*'462 > 2' ,5 >07 + )'7+. ,. + 1#6+",'.-*,8 B +.2 >07 "'"+663 ,. 6'$# ),"* "*,- /43( F4" ," ,-.0" /',./ )#669 K+. *# -",66 F# 73 -'46 7+"#9 K+. > "41. ," ,."' + -'46 7+"# ?'..#?",'.9 0ina: 0h, absolutely. When you've maue the commitment to be with somebouy - the key ieally is "Bo you love that peison." Whethei you ieally know you want to woik on the ielationship. Now, the only peison you have contiol ovei is you. K%2 !"# 5#+ Ř+ !"#&# *( !% 9*)7 %,! *9 +%,& '3&!)#& *( .*44*)8 !% .%&5 %) !"# +!*%)("*'- So, it's about expiessing how you feel anu using the tools that we've given you of the steps to emotional authenticity, taking all the iesponsibility foi how you'ie feeling anu expiessing those with a solution. The way you'ie going to know if youi paitnei is able to meet you is how they iesponu to you being authentic. Bo they meet you. When you step up anu say, "This is how I feel," anu you'ie being 1uu% authentic - that's a veiy high, eneigetic, vibiational level to be at. It's ieally like senuing that peison an invitation. It's like an invitation to say, 0O*- T4#3(# ;##! ;# 3! !"*( "*8" 4#<#4 %9 <*=&3!*%) %9 3,!"#)!*C*!+-> Now, some people will meet you at that level anu some people won't - anu that tells you about wheie !"#+ aie in !"#*& jouiney. So, if you'ie in ielationship with somebouy, you want to know if they'ie able to meet you theie. You'ie just senuing them invitations anu seeing if they accept youi invitation anu step up to that place of being authentic. Page S2 of 62 Now, it may be that you neeu some piofessional guiuance anu some help. If theie's a lot of watei unuei the biiuge, it can be ieally uifficult, but if you have tiust anu love, then it's ieally possible to woik on a ielationship anu ieally have that tiue soul mate connection. It's possible to get to the othei siue anu be amazingly stiong on the othei siue of whatevei it is, the pioblems that you'ie cuiiently having. The thing about leaving a ielationship anu staiting ovei is guess what. 6%,/&# (!*44 +%,- So, whatevei pioblems you uiun't oveicome aie going to show up again anu again. So, if you'ie in paitneiship anu theie aie pioblems, look foi wheie the iesponsibility of those pioblems is insiue of you. Then, uoing the woik on you will stait to shift them. Then see if youi paitnei will meet you to woik on that himself as well. Now, if he's willing to woik on himself, guess what. Now you can have that ieal intimacy anu cieate that soul mate connection. Natthew: Anu the othei piece of this - anu we believe so stiongly in this that this was actually in oui weuuing vows - is this iuea of being always in foigiveness. Always in foigiveness of self when you sciew up anu always in foigiveness of youi paitnei when they sciew up. It uoesn't mean that you allow them to uo whatevei they want to uo anu you say, "That's okay. Anything you uo is okay." But it uoes mean that you always leave open the space foi foigiveness. That theie can be foigiveness in any situation. Now, I think it helps if that peison is meeting you at that ueep authentic level. If they'ie not able to uo that oi they'ie not willing to uo it oi they uon't see that theie's a pioblem, they uon't want to uo anything - then you've got to question. Is this ieally a soul paitneiship oi is this just two people coming togethei out of comfoit anu out of a uesiie foi companionship. Page SS of 62 5&&+3*= A'1/ 9'1%;#+& !"#$#% =*# 6+-" "*,./ > ?+. "*,.G '5 ,- B ,5 >07 + )'7+.( ?+. 3'4 /,$# 7# + $,-4+6,S+",'. '5 *') > ?+. /' '4" ,."' "*# )'162 #$#132+3 +.2 G.') "*+" 73 -'46 7+"# ,- /',./ "' -*') 489 J.2 "*+" > ?+. F1,./ *,7 ,. +.2 +""1+?" *,7 ,. "*# 7'-" 8')#1546 )+3 8'--,F6#9 0ina: 0ne of the things that's is ieally gieat about cieating a ielationship you ieally uesiie is to boil it uown to something that you 5)%. you ieally uesiie that ;3+ )%! "3<# =##) *) +%,& '3(! +!*%)("*'(. So, foi me, theie's that whole iuea of having &#('#C!9,4 4%<#. Anu so I cieateu a mantia oi affiimation, if you will, that I founu so helpful - I just staiteu saying to myself all the time, whethei I was going to go meet somebouy to be on a uate oi not. P#-8#?"546 :'$# Wheievei I was, I was constantly affiiming this thought: D"# ;#) @ 4%<# 3&# 4%<*)8 ;# &#('#C!9,44+. I woulu just say that ovei anu ovei. D"# ;#) @ 4%<# 3&# 4%<*)8 ;# &#('#C!9,44+- So, if you've gotten that goluen nugget foi youiself - ask youiself What am I cieating. What uo I ieally want. What's a key ingieuient foi me, anu how can I cultivate that. Because I wasn't just saying this affiimation anu then just letting it lie. I was saying it with emotion, anu I was piacticing iespectful love with eveiybouy in my life in that moment. I was piacticing giving iespectful love anu ieceiving it - howevei it showeu up, in whatevei foim. Even )%! in the foim of an intimate ielationship. Page S4 of 62 =*# >2#+6 !?#.# Natthew: Anu I think the othei pait, when we talk about visualization, we neeu to fiist unueistanu what visualization is anu how it woiks. Foi me, the way to unueistanu that is to look at a phiase that so many of us use in oui eveiyuay conveisation, which is: 0@ G,(! C3)/! (## ;+(#49 7%*)8 !"3!-> When we say that, whethei we'ie talking about bungee jumping off a biiuge oi tiaveling aiounu the woilu oi whatevei that thing is - what we'ie speaking is a liteial tiuth. That liteial tiuth is: A# C3)/! C!# 3 '*C!,&# *) %,& ;*)7( 3)7 (## %,&(#4<#( *) !"3! #<#)!- So, visualization is about seeing youiself having, uoing, being what it is that you uesiie, so that on a subconscious level it feels possible. When it feels possible, then you'ie going to take the actions necessaiy to get what you want. So, if you say, "I want a tiue soul paitneiship anu I want somebouy who loves me iespectfully anu I want somebouy who has all of these qualities I uesiie," but you can't (## them because they'ie just intellectual concepts - you neeu to woik at cieating what woulu that look like. Bow woulu that show up anu the way we uo it is something we like to call D"# @7#34 KC#)#. The Iueal Scene is thought of in this way: What eviuence woulu I neeu in my life to know that I am in a soul paitneiship. So, the Iueal Scene is that fiist scene that comes to minu: A# .%,47 =# 7%*)8 !"*( *) !"*( .3+---3)7 "# .%,47 =# C%;;,)*C3!*)8 !% ;# !"*( .3+--- 3)7 @/7 =# &#('%)7*)8 !% "*; !"*( .3+--- ---3)7 ."#&# .%,47 +%, =# ."#) +%,/&# 7%*)8 *!---3)7 ."3! .%,47 +%, =# (##*)8---3)7 ."3! C%4%&( .%,47 =# !"#&#---3)7 ."3! (;#44( .%,47 =# !"#&# 3)7 ."3! #;%!*%)( .%,47 =# !"#&#F Page SS of 62 Really fill that scene with as much sensoiy infoimation as possible, so that it becomes iich anu full anu thiee uimensional. Then sit anu focus on that on a uaily basis. I cieateu a vision boaiu on New Yeai's Bay of the yeai that I met 0ina anu theie weie thiee images of women on that boaiu - anu all of those images hau women with uaik cuily haii. 0ina has uaik cuily haii. I was veiy cleai on that image anu what it meant to me. Yes, that's a physical, outwaiu thing that I was physically attiacteu to, but within those pictuies weie also all these woius anu images of that whole iuea of spiiitual paitneiship. It was all woven into these images - so it was veiy cleai to me what it lookeu like anu what it felt like anu what it was going to be like when I got it. That is key. Now, the othei key is "letting go" because it's not going to show up exactly like you think it is. I hau two Iueal Scenes - anu when I met this othei woman befoie I met 0ina, I acteu out those Iueal Scenes with hei. I intentionally uiu it because I knew "we'ie supposeu to go 'heie,'" so I took hei to that place. I wanteu to "see" it happening anu I essentially tiieu to manufactuie it - but when I met 0ina, it was extiemely oiganic. We just enueu up in the places I saw in my Iueal Scenes, anu uoing those things. It want until we weie "in" a ceitain place that I went, "0h, wait a minute. I've seen this befoie. I know what's going on heie." That it was a iealization in the moment. I uiun't have to "plan" anything. It just unfolueu that way - the way of my Iueal Scene. So, that's the powei of visualization. 0ina: I also want to shaie an expeiience of one of oui clients: In hei Iueal Scene, when we askeu hei "What eviuence woulu you neeu that you will have met youi soul mate." - foi hei it was a fiist meeting with a man wheie they shaieu a laugh. It was ieally impoitant to hei that they woulu shaie a laugh - anu it was so cute, because she's in a ielationship now anu she calleu me up a couple of weeks into the ielationship saying, 01&)32 1&)3- 6%, .%)/! =#4*#<# *!- @ ;#! !"*( 8,+ 3)7 .#/&# 73!*)8 3)7 @ 5)%. *!/( Ř+ #3&4+2 =,! %" ;+ 8%("- A# ("3 3 43,8" 3)7 *! "3''#)#7 #E3C!4+ !"# .3+ @ '*C!, *!-> The way she hau cieateu hei Iueal Scene. Page S6 of 62 So, it's not that you'ie tiying - I love that Natthew pointeu that out. It's not that you manufactuieu the scene to happen. It's that when it's happening, it almost feels like a uj vu. You almost have that sense of, 01"2 @/<# =##) "#&# =#9%&#-> It's because youi minu has tiaveleu to that place befoie. It'll feel familiai to you. :#+$# !8+?# @'1 C+/,? 0ina: I also want to expanu a little bit on this notion of leaving space foi something magical to happen. We uefinitely woik with people in specific ways. We'll say, "Cieate a list," anu we uo that in a veiy specific way about what you want. Natthew uiu have a list. Be hau a list of 2u items, anu we always jokeu that I'm 19 12 out of the 2u items. Now I ieally uiun't have a list. I ceitainly hau my ueal- bieakei list. I hau an iuea of what I wanteu veiy specifically, but I uiun't wiite uown a specific list of qualities. I left space foi the things I woulun't think of. I left space - foi me that space is uou, so if that woiks foi you, gieat, but whatevei you want to put in theie. I left space foi uou. uou is the univeise to suppoit me anu say, 0A%.- A%,47)/! *! =# 8! *9 +%, "37 !"*(."
Page S7 of 62 So, I think it's impoitant to also leave that space foi that magic to happen. Yes, cieate the scene, visualize it, woik with it, anu when it shows up you'll know - but eveiy single uetail might not be the same. You might not be weaiing that black uiess you pictuieu youiself in. It might be a ieu uiess anu that's okay. It's the feelings that aie ieally impoitant. It's the emotion. It's what you'ie feeling anu smelling anu tasting. It's those visceial things that aie going to tell you you'ie in that iight scene anu that you'ie with youi soul mate.
Page S8 of 62 A'1 )#*B+ 9#C "6& 8/'*= "63*= "' "6& M3=6+ 5#* !"#$#% X#15#?"< IG+3 6+-" Q4#-",'.< >0$# *#+12 3'4 -+3 "*+" 3'4 ?+.0" -+3 "*# )1'./ "*,./ "' "*# 1,/*" 7+.< L') 2'#- "*+" )'1G9 >- "*+" +F'4" "*# +4"*#.",?,"39 0ina: The iuea that you can't say the wiong thing to the iight man is: If he's the iight man, it's going to woik out. So, if it uiun't woik out anu he's saying it's ovei, honoi what he says. If a man tells you, "I uon't want to woik on it. It's ovei," believe him. What we get stuck in is this iuea of the iebounu, the coming back, the iekinuling of something. I like to ask oui clients2 0A%,47 +%, &3!"#& =# *) !"*( +!*%)("*' !"3! +%, 5)%. *()/! .%&5*)8 %& .%,47 +%, &3!"#& "3<# #<#&+!"*)8 !"3! +%,/<# =##) 7*)8 %9 "3<*)8 *) 3 +!*%)("*' .*!" (%;#=%7+ +%, 7%)/! 5)%. +#!F> Anu eveiy single time eveiybouy picks the new uiscoveiy. The uiscoveiy that they haven't expeiienceu yet. We get stuck in this iuea of the peison. You can't say oi uo the iight thing with the wiong man means - when you show up authentically, anu you'ie in the piactice anu the uaily piactice of loving, appioving anu accepting youiself, that man who is youi soul paitnei will love anu accept you anu honoi you anu cheiish you. Anu he'll uo all that in a way that you may nevei have nevei expeiienceu befoie. You can't sciew that ielationship up. I coulu sit heie anu stait shaiing with you examples of how Natthew anu I have uisappointeu one anothei anu some people woulu say, 0A%.- O%. 7*7 +%, 8#! !% !"# %!"#& (*7# %9 *!F> Well, it was easy to get to the othei siue of it because he's the iight man foi me. Page S9 of 62 Because a lot of Natthew's peisonal stuff is this iuea of uisappointment. Be thinks that if he uisappoints somebouy, they'ie going to abanuon him. So, I get to show up anu say, "1"2 +%, 7*(3''%*)!#7 ;#- D"3! (,C5(- 1" .#44- R#!/( ;%<# 9%&.3&7-" So, he can't sciew this ielationship up. I can't sciew this ielationship up. It's not like I can suuuenly uo oi say something that's going to make him say foiget it. I'm ovei it. I'm out of heie. It uoesn't woik like that. When you'ie in the soul mate ielationship, youi paitnei will want to giow with you anu leain with you anu be with you anu face his own uemons. Natthew: So, I'll give a specific example of this. Eaily on in oui ielationship we hau one of those ieally big soit of knockuown, uiag out fights that went on until two in the moining, anu at one point I hau a iealization that in the past this was it. That was my bieaking point. I woulu have, in the past, walkeu out anu saiu, "I'm uone. I'm not going foiwaiu with this," but I iealizeu in that moment that I uiun't want to be uone. That theie was moie that hau to be uone. I actually stoppeu in the miuule of that aigument anu saiu to 0ina, "This is the point at which I woulu noimally leave anu I'm not leaving." I think that's the place you get to. That's what we mean by you can't say oi uo the wiong thing to the iight man because when you'ie in that place it's like you'ie both heie to woik this out. Theie is no tipping point at which the peison says "I'm uone. I'm leaving. That's it. I'm out." 0ina: Anu what we want you to have the unueistanuing of - is that when you'ie in the soul mate paitneiship, it's always with integiity. So, it's not like suuuenly my ueal-bieakeis go away, but Natthew isn't the kinu of peison who embouies those ueal-bieakeis. They uon't show up in this human being. When he "messes up" it's not like he's going to acciuentally hit me one uay. That will nevei happen. This man is not capable of uoing that. =*# ,2#+ "*+" 3'4 ?+.0" -+3 "*# )1'./ "*,./ "' "*# 1,/*" 7+. ,-% >5 *#0- "*# 1,/*" 7+.( ,"0- /',./ "' )'1G '4"<
Page 6u of 62 So, this iuea you can't say oi uo the wiong thing with the iight peison, as long as you'ie showing up authentically anu being who you aie, that peison is going to love you. I heaiu this actually long befoie I believeu it to be tiue. I actually was like... haiiumpheu. I heaiu this comment. It was: When you meet youi soul mate they will love that thing about you that maue all the otheis leave. They will love that thing about you. Anu I was like, "Yeah iight." I uiu not believe that then, anu now I'u like to mouify it slightly. I'u like to say: "They'll eithei love that thing about you - oi if it's something that's ieally peiceiveu as a negative, they just uon't see you as #;=%7+*)8 that quality. I know this because eveiy single guy who evei bioke up with me saiu, "You'ie too intense. You'ie just too intense. I can't take it. I'm out." That was basically theii bieaking point. Ny "intensity." I coulu ask Natthew now because he's heie. Baby, uo you think I'm intense. Natthew: No. I think you'ie passionate, but uefinitely not intense. Anu I love that passion you have. That's what I ieally love. It was on my list. Passion. So, yeah, it's exactly that. Youi soul mate uoesn't see that thing about you in the same way that all those othei people uiu. Page 61 of 62 -$'1+ 4/*# -*0 5#++6&7 !"#$#% L') 2,2 3'4 /43- #,"*#1 ,.2,$,24+663 '1 "'/#"*#1 #.2 48 +- 1#6+",'.-*,8 #A8#1"-9 Natthew: We actually chose to stait this business togethei. It ieally comes fiom just, fiist off, a seiies of soit of synchionistic events. Then, we lookeu at what biought us togethei anu we went, 01"- A#442 !"3!/( ."3! .# Ř+ )##7 !% =# 7%*)8-> So, the fiist thing that happeneu was - we got an oppoitunity to speak somewheie anu somebouy saiu, "We'u love to have both of you speak." Ny wife is a manifestation coach anu I'm a hypnotheiapist - anu they thought it'u be ieally fun to have us talk togethei. So, we thought, "What aie we going to talk about." We staiteu ieally uiscussing that anu iealizeu what we both have is a passion foi ielationships - anu we just ueciueu to jump in anu cieate this business. But the ieal back stoiy is moie about what we uiu to finu each othei that became the backbone of what we uo. 0ina: 0ne of the things that happeneu is: When Natthew anu I, even when we staiteu uating, veiy quickly we iealizeu that we both hau taken veiy intentional paths to be in the place to ieceive one anothei anu to ieceive this ielationship anu to step up anu ieally have what we call a tiue soul paitneiship. Anu we took veiy uiffeient paths. When you look at the uetails - as fai as the woik we uiu on ouiselves sepaiately - it all hau a common coie. It was all ieally tieu to oui ielationship with ouiselves. Foi each of us, it was about oveicoming these soit of inteinal obstacles so we coulu be in a place wheie we coulu ieally accept all the paits of ouiselves, ieally be open to ieceive that one thing that we ieally wanteu anu not settle foi anything less. So, when we hau that oppoitunity to speak togethei anu ueciueu we weie going to speak about ielationships - when we ieally staiteu Page 62 of 62 looking at it, we iealizeu we hau all of this knowleuge anu all of this backgiounu woiking with clients on uiffeient issues, but the coie issue always came back to this iuea of youi ielationship with youiself. So, it ieally evolveu fiom theie. The iuea of us being the "powei couple" is ieally about helping oui clients step into theii own powei anu into love. Love is such a poweiful feeling. It's such a poweiful foice - anu so many people aie blockeu fiom ieceiving that one thing. So, it was ieally about looking at what was oui path to each othei. Anu then cieating ways to help othei people utilize those tools anu skills we've honeu, so they coulu be open to ieceive love as well. !"#$#% !'( 2' 3'4 "#.2 "' )'1G ),"* 8#'86# ,.2,$,24+663 '1 2' 3'4 G,.2 '5 8+-- "*#7 F+?G +.2 5'1"* F#")##. 3'4 "' )'1G '. 2,55#1#." +-8#?"-9 I1 2' 3'4 +?"4+663 /#" "'/#"*#1 T "*# "*1## '5 3'4 B +.2 "*#. *+$# + ?'.$#1-+",'. F#")##. +66 '5 3'49 Natthew: We get togethei with thiee people. It's the two of us as "the coach" anu then oui client that we'ie woiking with. We've founu that it's a seamless piocess. That we woik togethei veiy smoothly anu veiy easily anu it flows back anu foith between the cognitive stuff that we both know anu also what we call the tools of tiansfoimation that we love to use. So, when you get us, you get us anu you get us at the same time.
Finu out moie about 0ina anu Natthew anu the piogiams they offei to help you cieate the love anu life you want at theii website CieatingLove0nPuipose.com