The Pastors $elf-Esteem

By Patricia Backora
Summertime at Seedtime Assembly. A season when school kids had loads of free time on their hands, and the church leadership kept cooking up exciting events to keep the young people innocently occupied (and rustle up a little cash for the kitty as well . So many !special announcements" were flowing forth from the pulpit these days, they no longer seemed very special. #ar washes, spaghetti suppers, sack races, church movies, skating parties, ad nauseum. !$f $ have to choke down any more burnt burgers, mushy spaghetti and wilted salad," Pastor %oe moaned, !$&m gonna barf. 'onestly, (arlene, you know full well we&ve done our darnedest to keep the young people enthusiastic about church life. But they&re all dropping out like flies. )ost of them would rather lay in bed than come to Sunday School. *hat if their parents also lose faith in me+" (arlene hugged him and said, !,ou&re a wonderful pastor, %oe, and you know it- ,our revolutionary new teachings are meeting the deepest needs of our congregation, and you&re .ust as good or better than any of those speakers we heard at the seminar. $&ve heard so many dysfunctional people talking about how their personal self/ esteem has blossomed since they began to sit under your ministry." !But $ don&t seem to be getting through to the young people, (arlene0very time $ ask them to get involved in a church fundraiser, they get that !what&s in it for me" look on their sad faces. 'ow will $ ever raise a new crop of faithful contrib1.$ mean, converts, if $ don&t connect with the youth+" %oe sighed. !$ .ust might as well ask the church board to transfer me over to Sun #ity #athedral, where $ heard there&s an opening for a personable, people/oriented pastor who holds a post/doctorate in doctrinal dissertation. 2act is, $&ve already been approached by their church elders to fill the vacancy in their pulpit. 3here&s a big increase in salary and perks in it for us." (arlene gasped. !Sun #ity is trying to buy you away from Seedtime Assembly+ *hy didn&t you let me in on that little secret+"

%oe shrugged. !$ was going to, (arlene, but $ was afraid you&d say no. $ .ust feel like it&s time for us to move on to greener pastures. And if you say yes, things could be so much nicer for us1" !%oe," (arlene pleaded, !wherever you go you&ll face new challenges. ,ou can&t .ust run away from them. %ust bloom where you&re planted." !All $ know is, it might be easier for this old crocus to bloom at Sun #ity #athedral," %oe said. !Sometimes the grass grows greener on the other side of town." (arlene sulked. !,ou know how $ hate having to make new friends all over again, and try to break into the most exclusive church cli4ues. And $ bet they all wear the finest fashions at Sun #ity. $&m so well accepted at this church, %oe, that $&m scared they&ll look down on us at Sun #ity. $&d far rather be a big fish at Seedtime Assembly than a minnow at Sun #ity #athedral." !So you don&t think poor little sardines like us are rich enough to win over those la/dee/da lobsters+" %oe sighed. !$&ll figure that into my decision. ,ou know $&d do anything in the world to make you happy, honey. 5et&s take a week to sleep on it." !2air enough," (arlene said. !5et&s kiss on it." 6ext day (arlene had confided in her best friend, %enny 2lagstone, head of the church youth department. !%enny," (arlene said over a cup of coffee, !we&ve got to think of some way to keep %oe from defecting over to Sun #ity #athedral. 6o amount of money is worth pastoring those horrendous snobs. $t&s enough of a trial to have to mix with them at the regional conference, and $ .ust know the ladies there look down on us .ust because our church is in a middle/class area. $&d be under their scrutiny all the time. 3hey&d bu77 about my hair, my wardrobe, my weight1" !$ wouldn&t go to that church for all the tea in Swahili," %enny said. !*e don&t want you to leave either, (arlene. ,ou .ust told me the main problem is how %oe feels insecure about the apathy among the youth in our church. *hat if we offered those kids some incentive to want to get more involved, and at the same time make %oe feel more secure in his role as pastor of Seedtime Assembly+ $n personal relationships therapy that&s called 8positive stroking&.

2or the next two hours (arlene and %enny brainstormed until they cooked up a plan to make %oe want to stay on as pastor of the less affluent church. $n three weeks& time the young people would host a burger cookout, after which they would put on a skit to show Pastor %oe .ust how much his teaching had impacted their spiritual lives. $f their performance persuaded him to stay on as pastor of Seedtime Assembly, their reward would be a week/long skiing holiday on 0aglebeak )ountain. !*hat a marvelous idea-" (arlene cried. !%enny, it&s worth so much to me to persuade %oe to stay at Seedtime Assembly, $&ll personally finance the skiing trip and pay for all the props and costumes. So it won&t need to come out of the church treasury." !*on&t you have to consult %oe about this pro.ect, (arlene+" !*hat $ do with my own personal funds is none of his business," (arlene replied. !Besides, %oe&s feeling so fragile he&d only ob.ect. $&ll .ust tell him the kids are hosting special festivities for !'onor 3hy Pastor (ay", and $&ll tell them to keep the reward part a secret." %enny stared at (arlene, open/mouthed. Pastor (ay" fell on %uly 9:." !$ didn&t know !'onor 3hy

!$ don&t think it falls on any day at all," (arlene admitted. !But $ don&t think %oe will be bothered much about that." !$&ll spread the word immediately," %enny said. !$&ll even call up the kids who haven&t been to Sunday School in a year and ask them to bring all their friends and family." ;;;;;; 3he church wasn&t exactly packed on the night of the performance, but it was at least two/thirds full, better than anyone had expected. Behind the curtain lights shone softly upon cardboard Biblical scenery. A victory chorus played from a speaker. %enny 2lagstone stood before all assembled to announce that after such a scrumptious cookout, there was to be an additional treat from the ,outh 2ellowship. 3he young people were about to demonstrate with a drama skit their appreciation for the contribution the pastor had made to their spiritual development. And, most importantly, the teenagers, who ranged in age between <9 and <=, had composed the

play themselves. 3he starring role would be played by a <>/year/old boy, Buster. 3he curtain lifted. People politely applauded the entrance of the first character. 'e wore a striped satin robe with a gold sash. $ts wide lapels glittered with rhinestones. ?n the boy&s feet were golden guaraches garnished with garnets. !'i, everybody-" he called out in a s4ueaky voice. !)y name is Prosperity Pete- )y religion is real #??5$t teaches me how to be a winner, not a sinner- All $&ve gotta do is wish for fish, and if $ confess the best, fish will fall at my feet real fast-" See the diamond fish pin on my >/piece robe+ See my big bag of bass+" 5aughs and claps, then a second character .oined him. 5ike Prosperity Pete, he was dressed in a three/piece Bible robe ensemble, topped with a silver glitter turban. 'e staggered under a burden he carried. !*ish for fish if you wish, Pete," he said, !but $ want cash in a flash. %et Set %ames will set you straight. %ust look at the sack on my back. )y faith rakes in more riches than yours does. 6yah- 6yah-" @roaning, %et Set %ames lowered his heavy sack. !$ confessed the best and lookie what $ got- %ames scooped out handfuls of chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil. 'e tossed them out to little kids watching in the front row. %ames laid more treasures on a wooden tableA fake .ewelry and plastic crowns, glittery trinkets galore. %ames tooted on a plastic horn, drawing laughs from the audience. !Ah, look at this-" %ames cried. !A genu/wine arky/ologist&s pri7eA a silver Bomanex 5aser Beam Sundial)an, it&s cooler than Cing 'erod&s Alabaster 'ourglass- Poor Peter, all he&s got is smelly fish." *hap- %et Set %ames got slapped on the noggin with one of Prosperity Pete&s rubber fishes. Plastic coins poured out of the fish&s mouth. !'ey, Pete," %ames said. !$ thought our master only needed ?60 coin to pay taxes for the two of you." !*ell, my fish hook hit the .ackpot," Pete said. !*e&re all going out to Pi77a 'ut tonight. )y treat." !But Pi77a 'ut hasn&t been invented yet-" %ames cried, as still another robed character appeared onstage. !'ey, there&s 3homas. 3homas, is there a Pi77a 'ut in this village+"

!$ doubt it," 3homas drawled. !But there is a !Bagel Barn". Pete walked up to him and wagged a .eweled finger in his face. !(on&t you 0D0B say that dirty !(" word again, boy- #onfess the best and you&ll get blessed, but doubt out loud and you&ll do without-" !But $ doubt $ #A6 stop doubting-" 3homas cried. !Stop being a doubting 3homas," %ames said. !$ don&t wanna catch any doubt cooties from you- ,ou&re gonna be 3,#??6 3homas instead. 'ey man, you got any bread in your @ucci Bag+" !$ dunno, %ames1" !Be positively positive now, 3ycoon 3homas," Pete said. !Say out loudA $ confess $&m fed the fanciest bread, and every dumb doubt drops out of my head." 3ycoon 3homas lifted the bulging turban off his head, tipped it over and scattered pink popcorn all over the stage. !2aith can cast the dumb doubts out-" Pete and %ames cried. And here comes the BB0A(-" A kid in a donkey costume crawled onstage, braying and pulling a red wagon piled high with fake dollar bills. %et Set %ames petted him and said, !Some people have got their tooth fairy, and other people have got their 0aster bunny, but we&ve got our dollar donkey-" !As long as the tax collector doesn&t come," 3homas said gloomily. Prosperity Pete whapped him with a fish and said, !$f you don&t believe you won&t receive- $f you doubt that donkey the devil will take him away-" A ha7e of artificial smoke wafted onto the stage from behind the back curtain. 3hen a character in a red suit darted onto stage waving a plastic pitchfork. 'e had a pointed hairline, beady eyes and a wicked goatee beard. 'is red tights hung loosely on his spindly legs. !$t&s ?ld Scratch-" Pete yelled. !'e&s gonna give 3ycoon 3homas a losing lotto scratch card- 3homas, we told you not to doubt out loud-"

?ld Scratch grinned. !$&ve got a million/dollar lottery ticket here," he said. !,ou can scratch for cash, and all $ ask in return is your dollar donkey." 'e grabbed the donkey&s bridle. !5eave him be-" Pete cried, or !my mom will turn you into devil&s food cake-" A cell phone went off. ?ld Scratch answered it. !'055/o, you sly ol& devil- So $ should put five grand on Brimstone Beauty at the Palm Beach Bacetrack+ @o ahead1yeah, yeah1so 5ouie the 5ouse gave you an insider stock tip, and the smut market&s gonna shoot through the roof+ Buy a trillion shares. ?kay." ?ld Scratch raised one eyebrow and grinned. !,ou don&t say1a bunch of Bible thumpers are gonna bombard the strippers& convention with tracts+ @uess $&d better head 8em off at the pass. Adios, Abaddon." ?ld Scratch flicked off his phone and let the donkey go. !@otta go scoot, fellows. 3ime to do my routine in Degas. But $&ll be back for my protection money and you&d better cough it up-" ?ld Scratch sneered, then ran back behind the curtains. !See+" %ames said to 3homas. !3he power of positive thinking got rid of that ho/bag- And the force of my faith brought us the dollar donkey-" Behind him came another boy dressed in a flashy gold glitter costume. 'e grinned from beneath a tall plastic crown sparkling with rhinestones. Before he could introduce himself, a surprise character darted in from behind the curtain. A lot of bu77ing went on in the congregation. *asn&t this supposed to be a young people&s play+ *ho was that middle/aged hobo standing among them1or at least he 'A( to be a hobo, for no respectable man would dare wear a beard to 3'$S conservative church- 3he man was dressed in a torn terry cloth robe. An old bed sheet was fastened on his head with an elastic headband. A striped beach towel encircled his shoulders. 'e wore old flipflops. 'e confronted the young king figure, who whispered, !(ad- @et off stage- ,ou&re embarrassing me- ,ou look like a hippie with a Delcro beard-" 3he man whispered backA !$ told you we were changing churches and you were not to participate in this play- 0ither ,?E 4uit now, or .ust play along with me-"

5ike a pro, the kid found his voice. 'e could ad lib. !All right- $ can live with that- So $&ve got competition, eh+ But this town ain&t big enough for two messiahs. *hat&s your game, anyway+ ,ou aren&t dressed for success, so the crowds don&t think you&re cool. $f people bought your message, you&d be wearing designer gear like me." !*hat does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul+" the ragged actor shot back. !$&ll worry about my soul when $&m an old codger like you-" the fancy king sneered. !'ow can you make a profit if you look like a loser+" *ith that, the !hobo" collared the king and led him offstage, with a warning that the star of the show was grounded for two weeks. %et Set %ames, Prosperity Pete, and 3ycoon 3homas felt funny. 3his .ust wasn&t in the script. Pete looked at the others and said, !@uess he took that beggar to some success seminar. ,ou guys wanna go fishin&+" !Sure, Pete," replied %ames. !,our yacht or mine+" !*e&ll toss on it, but first let&s remember we wouldn&t have no yacht if it wasn&t for the good old pastor teachin& us how to get one." 3he three boys grinned and waved to sprinkled applause as people bu77ed about the missing main character, and the tasteless references to smut and strippers. 3o smooth things over, Pastor %oe walked onstage and shook the kids& hands warmly. 'is wife and )iss 2lagstone came up and thanked the entire ,outh (epartment for their moving performance. 3he pastor&s eyes misted over with tears. !$ was wrong to even think about giving up and going elsewhere to pastor," he choked. !3onight, through a surprise twist in the performance, $ am once again reminded of our need to stay true to our beliefs, even in the face of family opposition. 3hey say the proof is in the pudding. All this 4uibbling over doctrinal error only divides the church world, and the fact so many have been set free from poverty through correctly applying the *ord of @od ought to silence our critics. !But, sadly, .ealousy causes many to re.ect sound, sensible teaching derived from the *ord of @od. A wonderful new revelation in the

church is being attacked by narrow/minded stuck/in/the/muds who are way too stubborn to get with @od&s program and take advantage of the new thing 'e is doing in the earth. 3his new generation coming up needs to know how to get @od&s best, and if we fail to show them how, then negative, outdated Biblical stereotypes will continue to perpetrate. Cids, it&s so wonderful to know you&re loved and valued." !Prosperity Pete" shrugged. !3oo bad )ervin didn&t get to do more in the play. But really, Pastor, )ervin didn&t even look the part, what with his ski nose and all." !'ey-" !%ames" piped up. trip-" !,ou wasn&t supposed to mention the ski

!3ycoon 3homas" gave everyone a vacant look. !$ doubt we&ll get to go now." ;;;;;; Act 3wo happened in Pastor %oe&s home. 3he whole sordid story came out about how the kids had to be bribed to put on that special !'onor 3hy Pastor" event. !,ou deceived me-" %oe yelled. !So sue me-" (arlene yelled back. !All $ did was sow a little seed to get my miracle so $ wouldn&t end up at Sun #ity #athedral-" !And here you had me thinking those kids truly loved me-" %oe looked crushed. !All they wanted all along was to get something out of us-" !And .ust *'? taught them that+" (arlene retorted. !All $ want is for people to love me and value what $ do-" %oe cried. !$ want them to love me for )0, not for what they can s4uee7e out of me- $s that so wrong+" !,ou&ve said it yourself, %oe, a million times- (oes any farmer plant a seed without expecting a big crop for his hard work+ *ell, what goes around comes around- (o you really expect people to love you and do church work for nothing .ust because it&s such an honor to serve good ol& Pastor %oe+"

%oe looked plenty steamed. !,ou take that back right now, (arlene- $f it wasn&t for me and the good salary $ get, you&d be wiping tables in some restaurant- Bemember my last two wives1" (arlene looked worried. She ran to the bedroom door, blocking his exit. !%oe1wait- $ wasn&t talking about )0, honey, .ust other people-" !,eah, right-" %oe yelled. A loud cry came from the crib in the ad.oining room. !?h, please, %oe, you .ust woke little 5isa, and she&s teething1" !$ don&t care-" %oe boomed. !*e&ve started this, so let&s have it out right now- $&m still young enough to find somebody who appreciates me for who $ am-" (arlene&s face crumpled. She clutched his sleeve. !$ beg you, %oe1 stop- $ know $&m not the prettiest, or even the smartest, woman you could have found to marry you- ,ou&re the most wonderful man on earth, and even if you weren&t, $&d still worship the ground you walked on-" She reached out for him. !*ell, you&ve got a mighty funny way of showing it-" %oe moved away from her. !3he very idea, filching money out of the church activity fund to reward a few spoiled teenagers1" !'ey, that&s not true-" (arlene chided. !$ wasn&t going to tell you, but $ spent two thousand dollars of my ?*6 money to provide the ski trip for the kids who worked on this special evening. $ could have bought myself a new dress with that money, but oh, no, $ wanted to do something to prove my love for ,?E-" %oe melted toward her. !?h, sweetheart, $ was only kiddin&- ,ou&re wife number three, but you&re the one for me- 6?B?(, loves Pastor %oey as much as my darlin& (arlene. $&ve had a change of heart too. ,ou&re right, dearie. 6othing would be solved by our transferring to Sun #ity. $&ve .ust enrolled in a 'uman 0mpathy seminar. $f $ want people to have more faith in me and grow with our church, $&ve got to learn better people skills to win them over. 3hen you&ll have a husband you can really be proud of-" !3hat&s my boy-" (arlene giggled. !,ou&re worth the money, honey."

!5et&s say our bedtime prayers now, (arlene," %oe said. !(ear 5ord, $&ve done my best to airbrush my image so $ can be a perfect pastor, but there&s no sense wasting all that effort on Seedtime Assembly. Please help (arlene see the light about Sun #ity #athedral. $f she B0A55, loved me and deserved me, she&d be willing for us to pastor there so we can go live the heavenly life we really deserve. Amen." ;;;;;; httpAFFboogerbucks.tripod.com httpAFFbanpreachergreed.tripod.com