Kingdom of Sam by Simon Cartledge and Patrick Coyle

Sity11@yahoo.co.uk

FADE IN: EXT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY SAM MERCER -- early twenties, dressed in a shirt and tie -walks up to a film studio building by himself. SAM V.O. I was a fucking star. A child. Fucking. Star. INSERT: YUMMY BAR ADVERT - FLASHBACK Nine-year-old Sam, mouth covered in chocolate, gives the camera a thumbs up. CHILD SAM It's Yummy! INT. GARISH BREAKFAST SHOW STUDIO - FLASHBACK A balding BREAKFAST SHOW HOST throws his cue cards aside in a display of zaniness. BREAKFAST SHOW HOST This young man needs no introduction. It's the Yummy Bar Kid, Sam Mercer! Child Sam struts onto the set. EXT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY - FLASHBACK Sam in his mid-teens, looking like a member of Busted, signs autographs for two dozen excited fans outside the studio. SAM V.O. At the age of 16 I worked on a show called 'Star Power'... INSERT: Clip from 'Star Power' shows Sam spinning around and high-fiving a monkey. SAM V.O. Pretty good, right? Little did I know, that was the beginning of the end. INT. STAR POWER STUDIO SET - FLASHBACK Teenage Sam sweet-talks a sixteen year old girl, HOLLY MYERS, over polystyrene cups of tea. SAM V.O. That girl I was tuning into? That was the producer's daughter, and that didn't fly with him.

2. INT. HOLLY MYERS' BEDROOM - FLASHBACK TONY MYERS barges in on Sam and Holly canoodling. TONY MYERS Mercer, you little shit... Get out, both of you! Sam and Holly flee the room. TONY MYERS YOU'RE FIRED! SAM V.O. Some people are overly uptight... It's something you learn in this business. EXT. POSH STREET - FLASHBACK Sam and Holly walk side by side, awkward. Sam's still catching his breath. SAM Wow, sucks for you... Can he even do that to his own daughter? HOLLY MYERS Do what? SAM Did you not hear him? He said "you're fired." He's clearly... Disowning you? HOLLY MYERS He was talking to you. SAM (sarcastically) Yeah! Because he's gonna fire the star! Sam's face falls into utter despair as he realises the truth. SAM V.O. He fired the star. Blackballed from the industry, I had to enter the world of what people call "real jobs." MONTAGE OF SAM'S REAL JOBS: SUPERMARKET -- Sam stands by the checkouts near a mother and toddler. He takes a plastic bag and mimes to the toddler, without the mother seeing, that he's going to blow the bag up. He has it covering his head and when he gets half way, he passes out.

3. SECURITY GUARD -- Sam plays on his phone, failing to spot a man walking by in a black trenchcoat and clearly holding a gun. A moment later, we hear a gunshot. Sam finishes sending his text, then looks around. CINO TOWN COFFEE -- Sam downs a coffee. And another. And another. He takes a tray from a co-worker and places it on a customer's table, giving them a manic grin. Then he vomits. Then drinks some more coffee. INT. JOB CENTRE - DAY Sam sits in a chair, opposite a bored-looking Jobcentre Advisor. He signs a form. SAM V.O. Needless to say, they weren't quite up my street. Not in a nasty way, I'm just above them. I had to somehow get back in to the industry... By any means possible. And eight long, slow years after my last acting gig, I received a text which left me gobsmacked... INT. CAFE - DAY Sam sits opposite his best friend DOM (28, chubby, bit dim) over cups of tea in a half-greasy cafe. Sam stares at his phone, gobsmacked. DOM What's up? You look gobsmacked. SAM I am gobsmacked, Dom. I've got a meeting at Lawless Studios on Thursday! Showbiz wants me back! Sam Mercer is going back to the front of the line where he belongs. DOM That's amazing! Will you be able to pay your share of the rent now? SAM Quiet, Dom, I'm basking. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO RECEPTION - DAY As a handful of late-teens hopefuls go over their lines and pace nervously for an audition, Sam flops into his seat confidently, smirking. A RECEPTIONIST stands up behind her desk. RECEPTIONIST Erm, excuse me, sir?

4. SAM Hi! They ready for me? RECEPTIONIST Well, you've not signed in yet, so... SAM (winking) Sam Mercer. Former and future star. RECEPTIONIST Sounds like the kinda name I'd find on this list. SAM Probably at the top. RECEPTIONIST But alas, it's not on it. SAM That's obviously a mistake. I received a text! What are the auditions for, anyway? RECEPTIONIST That's a confidential matter. SAM What's that, a crime drama? TONY MYERS (OS) Sam. Sam turns. Tony Myers is standing behind him. SAM (nervous) Hiiii. Not seen you for a while. TONY MYERS Since I caught you humping my daughter. SAM Has it been that long? God, time flies. Tony raises his eyebrows. INT. TONY'S OFFICE - DAY Very grand. Tony's clearly running the show. He sits in his big, luxurious chair. Sam sits in the smaller chair, much closer to the ground.

5. SAM I didn't know that you were in charge here now? Was it you that-TONY MYERS E-mailed you? Yes. There's a position that's just opened up. SAM I can fill it. I'm your man. TONY MYERS You don't know what it is yet, you plum. SAM Tony. I'm ready to be a star again. TONY MYERS Well, that's not going to happen. Andy needs a new assistant. SAM Andy, your son? TONY MYERS Yes, Andy, my son. Who has been on the cover of Inside Soap eight times this year alone. SAM Has he? That's good. Tony slams a stack of 'Inside Soap' magazines down on his desk and spreads them out. ANDY MYERS (29) is on all eight covers, wearing the exact same smug look on each one as he poses with a different young, female co-star. SAM V.O. Andy Myers is an actor with somewhat of a tricky reputation. MONTAGE: NEWS PROGRAMMES NEWS READER Andy Myers has been caught speeding... Naughty naughty very naughty Andy, 44 in a 30 zone! CUT TO: NEWS READER Myers leaves nightclub with mystery white powder around his nose.

6. A photo shows Andy gurning, cocaine all over his face. CUT TO: CCTV: Andy urinating all over a war memorial. NEWS READER When asked how drunk he was by one reporter, Myers replied, "I've been drunker." His position on one of television's longestrunning soaps is coming under serious pressure, with many feeling that he is only surviving due to the influence of his father, series producer Tony Myers. INT. TONY'S OFFICE - DAY Tony picks up the magazines. TONY MYERS His last PA is trying to sue him... For some reason. INSERT: NEWS FOOTAGE. NEWS READER Andy Myers' assistant claims that the star used her as a coffee table, a sunshade and a horsey. Cut back to TONY'S OFFICE. TONY MYERS She'll get what's coming to her, though. SAM Let's hope so. TONY MYERS So how does it sound? A second chance in showbiz. It's a simple job. Photocopying, making tea, that kind of stuff. Even an idiot like you could do it. Sam stands up. SAM Do you really think I'm that desperate to get back into TV, Tony? My ratings used to piss on Grange Hill's and you expect me to be a tea boy? I've got my pride! I could walk onto any set in the country and be a welcome face.

7. INT. TELEVISION SOAP SET - DAY We're on the set of a TV programme and Sam is talking to a YOUNG REDHEAD as the crew set up lights. SAM So as I say, I used to be on loads of stuff. Are you a nineties kid? YOUNG REDHEAD Yeah! I was born in ninety-six. SAM So you're not then -- it doesn't matter. You could come to mine and watch it if you like. YOUNG REDHEAD They still show it? SAM Well, technically no. But there are thirteen clips of it on Youtube. Pretty good quality. Not HD, of course, but... ANDY MYERS O.S. Bitch. Sam smiles at Young Redhead wordlessly, pretending not to hear Andy, who is stood in a doorway across the set. ANDY MYERS Skinny bitch! Sam sticks with the blank smile as most of the crew turn around to look at him. ANDY MYERS Washed up, skinny twat who is now my slave and dogsbody. Come here. YOUNG REDHEAD (to Sam) Are you going to answer him? SAM He's not talking to me. This build is called 'athletic'. The kind of build a marathon runnANDY MYERS Come here now, or you're fired. SAM (to Young Redhead) Back in a sec... I'll humour him.

8. Sam walks over to Andy, casual and matey as he can. SAM Alright Andy? Freeze on Andy's sneering face. SAM V.O. Something had always told me he hadn't managed to get over the fact that I slept with his sister. Unfreeze. ANDY MYERS Coffee. Now. Bitch. SAM Is that a statement, or-? ANDY MYERS It's a fucking command, you piece of fucking chewing gum. SAM Chewing gum? Is that an insult? I've never heard that one before. Sam heads to the coffee dispenser. ANDY MYERS Not that shit... Go to Cino Town. SAM Really? Only that is quite far away, and I used to work there, so I'd feel a bit awkw-ANDY MYERS Sorry, have I gotten confused? Are you the boss of me? SAM ...No, you're the boss of me. ANDY MYERS Probably should do as I say then? Fucking Twix. SAM Oh, another confectionery based insult. You've got a niche. CUT TO:

9. EXT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY Sam leaves the building. His phone beeps. He reads the text: "SPEED UP, YOU COLA CUBE DIV." EXT. AMANDA'S CAFE - DAY There's a large sign over the door which says Amanda's. INT. AMANDA'S CAFE - DAY Amanda stands behind the counter, on her mobile. AMANDA (to phone) No, I know you've got a lot on. Who's that?... Oh. I thought your boss was a bloke?... Okay, okay, talk to you later. Love you... Now you say it ba--Oh, you've gone. She looks at her phone. A CUSTOMER -- 40s, hair pulled back -- approaches the counter with her tea. CUSTOMER Boyfriend, love? AMANDA Yeah. CUSTOMER Don't worry about it. My husband used to never have time for me either. She takes money out of her purse to pay. AMANDA Used to? Is he dead? (near-panic) Did he die without ever letting you know how much you meant to him? CUSTOMER No! He just used to work loads. He's round me all day since he got the sack for tweeting that his boss is a knobgobbler. AMANDA I've never seen him here. CUSTOMER Well I come here for a bit of piece and quiet, get away from his constant "I love you" shit. And he thinks the staff here have B.O.

10. Amanda hands the customer her change. AMANDA Thanks. Amanda walks away whilst covertly smelling her arm pits. EXT. QUIET CITY - DAY Sam jogs through the street. SAM V.O. Being Andy's assistant wasn't an ideal first step on the ladder of fame, but it was a step. Sam stops at some traffic lights where an OLD LADY walks her dog. SAM V.O. And I had a plan to climb my way back to the top. Sam kneels down to pet the dog, but it SNAPS at him. He recoils and just stands awkwardly and smiles feebly at the old lady. SAM He's a treasure. The lights change and cars stop. INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY Sam walks in and joins the back of a small queue. Immediately, the barista BIG DAVE recognises him. BIG DAVE Sickboy! Sam looks around. Realises Big Dave is talking to him. SAM Brilliant. BIG DAVE Omar! Omar! Look who it is! Another worker, OMAR, comes from the back. OMAR Bloody hell, it's Sammy Vomit! SAM That's not my name, so... Can I just get a coffee, please? Omar nods and starts making the coffee.

11. BIG DAVE You still drink coffee? After the big vomming incident? SAM (winking) Takes more than an O.D. to keep me away. It's not for me though, it's for my new boss. Total wanker. BIG DAVE Want us to spit in it? SAM Oh. Wow. Would you? Other customers look disgusted. Big Dave stares at him for a moment, expressionless. Sam shifts, embarrassed. BIG DAVE (grins) Not a problem, Puke-a-hontas, you big sicky fanny. SAM Banter... BIG DAVE Omar, do a bit of spit in Spewart's coffee! Omar nods and starts hacking up phlegm. Other customers leave. OMAR I can't get a good bit of phlegm. A weird-looking short man steps up to the counter. WEIRD LITTLE MAN Can you spit in mine as well, please? BIG DAVE No problem, sir. Wanker boss as well? WEIRD LITTLE MAN No. The weird man grins sheepishly. Sam looks appalled. EXT. STREET - DAY Sam, now holding a coffee, walks along the street.

12. SAM V.O. voice) I've got your coffee Drink it all up nice. they didn't skimp on

(silly "Yes, Andy, right here. I made sure it."

WELSH NARRATOR V.O. Little did Andy know-Sam looks up at the sky. SAM What? WELSH NARRATOR V.O. What? SAM What's this 'little did Andy know' rubbish? WELSH NARRATOR V.O. Just doin' some narrating. Sam keeps walking, talking up at the sky. SAM Well don't. I'm narrating it fine myself, thanks. WELSH NARRATOR V.O. Just a bit, though. SAM No, no. None at all. Who are you? WELSH NARRATOR V.O. My name's Gavin. Sam keeps glaring up at the clouds. SAM Okay, Gavin... Can you just stop, please? I'm a little bit annoyed by that, to be honest-Sam drops out of shot, tumbling down a set of stairs he didn't see. After a couple of seconds groaning in a heap, he slowly lifts his head up. He has spit on his face from the coffee. He looks down at his clothes. Covered. SAM Oh, turds. A BUSINESSWOMAN runs over to Sam.

13. BUSINESSWOMAN Oh wow. SAM Wow. BUSINESSWOMAN Wow... SAM Are you okay? BUSINESSWOMAN That looked pretty painful... But funny. SAM Oh. Great. I'm here all weekBUSINESSWOMAN Do I know you from somewhere? SAM Did you ever watBUSINESSWOMAN Sammy Mitchell from 'Star's Brigade'! SAM Sam Mercer from 'Star Power'! The woman isn't listening. She's actually on the phone. BUSINESSWOMAN (on the phone) Dianne! Guess who I've just seen make a total cunt of himself? It's only Sammy Mitchell from Star's Brigade! SAM 'Star Power.' BUSINESSWOMAN (to phone) You remember! All the kids at school used to say he was fucking the monkey. Yeah! haha, I know. (to Sam) She says your name was Sammy Manson or something and the show was called 'Star Powers'... (looks at watch) Oh shit... I'm gonna be late for work. You still there Dianne? One sec.

14. She snaps a picture of Sam. BUSINESSWOMAN (to phone) I'll just send it. She presses "send" on her phone. SAM I helped an old woman across the road last week. No one recognised me... BUSINESSWOMAN (to phone) I know! He looks exactly the same! She walks away without a second look at Sam. BUSINESSWOMAN (into phone) Nah, it's coffee... If he HAD shit himself, how would he have got it all over his face like that? Nah, he didn't have the monkey with him... Probably fucked it to death. SAM V.O. I did not have sexual relations with that chimpanzee. Sam's phone rings. He answers it. SAM (into phone) Hi Dom. I've just fallDOM (PHONE) Hiya mate, sorry I can't talk now, can I get back to you later? SAM (into phone) You called me! DOM (PHONE) I'm with a customer at the moment. Dom hangs up the phone.. INT. CAR SHOWROOM - DAY Dom shows a LITTLE OLD LADY around the showroom. Shiny BMWs are everywhere.

15. SAM V.O. My best mate Dom works in a BMW showroom. At the interview he told the boss that he'd owned 5 BMWs in his life. Dom leans on the bonnett of a car and almost loses his footing. SAM V.O. He didn't mention that they were Corgi cars. If I remember correctly, he swapped them for Pokemon cards. EXT. AMANDA'S CAFE - DAY Sam walks past staring at the trying to look runs around to a cafe doorway, where AMANDA (25) stands, state of him. He half-waves as he passes, like he's not in pain or embarrassed. Amanda stand in front of him. AMANDA Hi! SAM Hello! AMANDA Are you okay? SAM Oh God, yeah. More than okay. AMANDA It's just that-SAM Proper good. AMANDA You are bleeding quite a bit. We pull out to reveal that Sam's lower left leg is covered in blood. SAM (smiles) So I am. INT. AMANDA'S CAFE - KITCHEN - DAY Sam sits on the counter as Amanda roots under the counter for a first aid box. SAM Isn't it weird how your name is Amanda and you work at a place called Amanda's?

16. AMANDA Not that weird? It's my cafe. You should go to a hospital, really, that was a nasty fall. SAM That? That was actually nothing. I often do things such as that. For training purposes. Falling downstairs. Jumping out of trees. Army stuff. AMANDA You're in the army? SAM Am I in the...? AMANDA Army? SAM Not... Currently. War is murder. Amanda quickly applies disinfectant and begins to bandage Sam. SAM (CONTINUED) Ahhhhh, this isn't hurting! Amanda smiles. AMANDA I'm sure I recognise you. Weren't you-SAM On the show 'Star Power' with the monkey? yup. You got it in one. AMANDA No, it's not that. You were in here last week with your friend, right? SAM Err... Was I? INT. AMANDA'S CAFE - FLASHBACK This is the same scene we saw earlier, with Sam and Dom chatting after Sam received his email. Sam looks at his phone, still grinning. Dom stirs his tea. AMANDA Hi lads, are you ready to order? DOM What do you recommend?

17. AMANDA Well, the chef's special. Sam looks at the guy frying eggs in the background. SAM He looks alright to me. Amanda looks puzzled. Sam looks at his menu. The penny drops. SAM (CONTINUED) (too loud) Oh God! I thought you meant he was a spastic! INT. AMANDA'S CAFE - KITCHEN - DAY - PRESENT Sam looks up, trying to looks like he doesn't recall. SAM Might have popped in for a quick coffee. AMANDA Yeah... SAM Look, I'm sorry. Things aren't going well for me right now. The only people who remember me from when I was famous think I'm a joke. I've got this new job which, frankly, I wouldn't wish upon anyone, and I'm on this trial medication that I think makes me hallucinate a Welsh guy in the sky... AMANDA Cripes, you're really opening up. SAM Maybe I have got a concussion. I just wish I could just talk to someone. Get all this off my chest. AMANDA Well, you seem like a harmless sort of guy... SAM I am! I've never molested anyone. Doubt I ever will either.

18. AMANDA Tell you what. How about you take me to dinner tonight and I'll be your shrink -- so long as you bring your monkey. SAM Impossible, I'm afraid. It died... of a broken heart. AMANDA Awww. SAM And someone taught it to smoke. Amanda lets out a geeky laugh. EXT. CAR SHOWROOM/INT. EXPENSIVE BMW - DAY Dom sits in the passenger seat, smiling warmly at the Old Woman in the drivers seat. OLD WOMAN So, this is the Beemer, is it? DOM Yep. They're all Beemers. This is the five series. OLD WOMAN How fast? DOM It'll do over one hundred and forty miles per hour. OLD WOMAN Wow... Faster than the one i've got now. DOM You'd definitely die if you came off the motorway into a tree. She turns the ignition. OLD WOMAN We both would. DOM Easy on the clutch and not too many revs. The Old Woman puts her foot down and the car flies through the front window of the showroom.

19. INT. CAR SHOWROOM/INT. EXPENSIVE BMW - DAY - CONTINUOUS Dom is stunned. The Old Woman appears oblivious to what she's done. OLD WOMAN Which one's reverse? DOM Oh... You appear to have crashed it a bit. DOM'S BOSS comes storming out of his office. BOSS What the fuck!? OLD WOMAN Mind your language - you're not too old to get a good clip 'round the ear. BOSS You've destroyed my showroom! (to Dom) What are you playing at, Dom? DOM She looked like a good driver. BOSS Just... Go to my office now. Please. DOM (to Old Woman) If you do decide to buy the car, please make sure the deal goes through my name. OLD WOMAN What car? DOM Great. Dom gets out and slumps off for his reprimand. BOSS Out. Out the car. The Old Woman gets out of the car. BOSS We're gonna have to call the police, I'm afraid. OLD WOMAN Good luck with that, white boy.

20. Action music kicks in and Old Woman bolts for the door, sliding across BMW bonnets on her way out. BOSS Stop her! Other salesmen follow her but trip over each other in their eagerness. She's gone. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY Sam casually walk-runs to the instant coffee machine and fills the empty Cino cup. He looks around and spits in it, quickly stirring it in. INT. GREEN ROOM - DAY Andy sits across three different chairs, throwing sweets at an OLD MAN. OLD MAN Can you stop that, please, Andy? ANDY MYERS Stop moaning. You're nearly dead anyway. Sam walks in with the coffee. ANDY MYERS About bastarding time, you sherbert prick. Where have you been? SAM I fell down some stairs. Don't worry, I'm fine, just-ANDY MYERS I don't care if you live or die. Give it. Sam hands him the coffee. SAM It actually really hurt! ANDY MYERS Unless someone filmed it for me to enjoy, I don't give a shit, you chocolate-covered... I'm bored of that now. Andy sips the coffee and raises an eyebrow. ANDY MYERS What have you done to this? Doesn't taste right.

21. SAM (quietly) I spat in it. ANDY MYERS What? SAM I patented it. ANDY MYERS That makes no sense what-so-ever. Seriously Sam, why the hell didn't your mother drown you at birth? SAM There's no real answer to that question. Andy takes another sip of coffee. Sam grins. INT. TELEVISION SOAP SET - DAY Andy is in a scene with a young co-star, GRACE, whose character is throwing his clothes at him. Andy acts with an overwrought cockney accent. ANDY MYERS They meant nothing to me, babe. Grace stops throwing the clothes. GRACE Do you mean it? ANDY MYERS Course I do, Lisa. I wouldn't have even touched 'em, only you've gotta when it's twins, haven't you? GRACE Oh, Baz! They embrace. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (O.S.) Cut! Alright, let's go for one more. Andy winks at Grace. She blushes uncomfortably. INT. OFFICE OF DOM'S BOSS - DAY Dom sits opposite his boss, who stands. BOSS Dom, I like you.

22. DOM I like you too. BOSS But you're perhaps the biggest imbecile I've ever met in my life. DOM Uh huh, understood. BOSS If this was the first mistake you'd ever made then maybe you'd be let off with a stern warning. DOM Ah, but it's not though... I've made loads. I set a car on fire! BOSS Dom, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let you go. DOM Really? It's only quarter to. That's brilliant! I love early home time. BOSS You're fired? DOM From this job? BOSS Yes. DOM (still grinning) Ahhh, alright. Fair enough! EXT. CAR SHOWROOM - DAY Dom stands outside with a vacant grin on his face. DOM Who needs a job anyway? Dom looks around. He sees a milkman doing his rounds... A fireman running into a building... A guide dog walking a blind person. His face falls. A TODDLER hands out nightclub fliers, and flipping people off when they don't take one. DOM Oh come on, that's just ridiculous.

23. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO CORRIDORS - DAY Sam plays a game on his phone but looks up when he sees the Young Redhead from earlier walking down the corridor. YOUNG REDHEAD (to phone) Seeya soon, wabbit. SAM Hi again! YOUNG REDHEAD Hi. SAM Look, I'm sorry if I came across as self absorbed or even desperate earlier... YOUNG REDHEAD It's OK. SAM So I did? YOUNG REDHEAD Well... SAM No, it's okay. You've just never been chatted up by a celebrity before. YOUNG REDHEAD I still haven't. SAM I was chatting you up! YOUNG REDHEAD Exactly. SAM Ah. I see what you're saying. Well in that case, you can go fiddle your bean. I've got a date tonight anyway, with a betterlooking girl. You're probably star-struck anyway, you... Tit! No, wait. Twat. You twat! Young Redhead's eyes widen. She walks away, fuming. CUT TO:

24. INT. TELEVISION SOAP SET - DAY The crew are gearing up for another take. Andy breathes in Grace's face. ANDY MYERS Ugh, smell that? Cheese and onion crisps. Grace gags. ANDY MYERS (CONTINUED) Stinks. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Quiet on set, please, about to go for a take! ANDY MYERS I need a fucking piss now. DIRECTOR Please Andy, just hang on 'til we get this shot. We're nearly finished. ANDY MYERS I can't. And I think it would be slightly out of character for Baz D'lano to piss in his pants. (seeing Sam out of shot) Sam, come here and hold this cup. Sam is stood behind the cameras. He looks terrified. Is Andy joking? ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Okay, Andy go to the toilet. ANDY MYERS Nah, It's alright. You want to finish this shot soon? Sam doesn't mind. (to Sam) Do you? Sam comes over, nervous. SAM (quietly) Well... You could do it yourself?

25. ANDY MYERS And get piss all over me? You're unbelievably selfish. I've got to brush Grace's hair behind her ear and cup her little face in a minute. Do you think she wants my hands covered in piss and cockbacteria? SAM No. ANDY MYERS Well she does. (bad Cockney) The slaaaaag! Andy unzips. GRACE That's actually really offensive and misogynistic. ANDY MYERS Don't be such a lezzer, babe. Assume the position, Mercer. Grimacing, Sam holds the cup. Andy begins to piss. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Andy... We're so, so short on time. ANDY MYERS I'm going as quick as I can. Be patient, you nonce! Andy's temper causes him to lose focus. SAM Oh, you're getting it on my hand quite a bit, aren't you? Andy shakes. A couple of flecks of piss land on Sam's face. ANDY MYERS OK done. Shit off. SAM (to himself) I need a toilet. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO CORRIDORS - DAY Sam carefully walks towards the men's toilets with his cup of piss when the Young Redhead walks around the corner. She's with her massive, rugby-player type BOYFRIEND.

26. YOUNG REDHEAD This is him! BOYFRIEND Oi! SAM Hi! I'm Sam, you might remember me from a show calledBOYFRIEND You called my girlfriend a twat? SAM Well I tried "tit" first, but that didn't-The Boyfriend's eyes widen. SAM (CONTINUED) Just a little joke. I'm sorry to your girlfriend... YOUNG REDHEAD I have a name. SAM Which is? YOUNG REDHEAD Shamgoone. SAM What!? YOUNG REDHEAD Shamgoone-SAM Bloody hell, someone dropped the ball with that one! Shamgoone's Boyfriend steps towards Sam. SAM I'm sorry! Shamgoone, I am sorry! I've been unwell recently and I'm on medication at the moment and-BOYFRIEND What is that smell? He looks at Sam's cup. SAM Erm...

27. YOUNG REDHEAD Ugh, smells like pi-SAM It's my medication. BOYFRIEND That is piss. SAM No, sir. It's medicine, I assure you. YOUNG REDHEAD Drink it then. SAM Don't rush me... I can drink it in my own time. Boyfriend raises a fist. SAM (CONTINUED) Right-o. Just gonna knock it back. Here we go. Sam downs the piss in one. It dribbles down his chin. SAM (retching) Arghhhh, that's just great. That'll keep me sane. Shamgoone and her boyfriend look at each other, stunned. Sam notices Tony Myers standing nearby, looking like it's both the best and the worst thing he's ever seen. SAM Right, just off to the toilet. Need to have a... Toilet. Sam pushes past Shamgoone and her boyfriend and runs into the toilet. From outside, we hear retching. EXT. SAM AND DOM'S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING Sam walks up to the house and sticks his key in the door. INT. SAM AND DOM'S HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - DAY Sam walks in and sees Dom sat on the sofa, depressed. SAM Y'alright, Dom? DOM Fired again.

28. Sam sits down next to him. SAM Ah, shit. It's just not been your year. DOM It's not been my life, Sam. I'm a failure. SAM I won't have that. You've achieved plenty. DOM Examples, please God, examples. SAM Who was it who fitted the bulb in the bathroom last week? DOM That was you. SAM Was it? I thought thatDOM I broke it, you fixed it. SAM Life isn't about achievement, Dom. We can't all be stars. In life there are stars, like me, and there are the little people, like you. The little people are important. DOM (perking up) Yeah? SAM Not as important, obviously. But you're the kind of person a guy like me needs to reach the top. DOM (cheery) Ta Sam, you really know how to make me feel good about myself! Any chance you could be a pal and help me find a new job for next week? Sam gets up.

29. SAM Screw that, I'm afraid, mate. I've got a date tonight. With a woman. I'm pretty much on the promise. DOM Oh... Can I come? SAM Definitely not! How about you stay at home and have a good ol' fashioned wank? DOM Yeah! Why not? Push the boat out a bit. Show the world who's boss. SAM And I think there's half a pot noodle in the fridge. DOM Living the life of Riley! So how did the meeting go? Are you a star again now, Sam? Sam ignores it. INT. RESTAURANT - TABLE - NIGHT Sam sits at a table, quietly singing 'Spitfire' by The Prodigy to himself. INT. RESTAURANT - FRONT DESK - NIGHT Amanda approaches the waiter who is doing host duties. AMANDA Hiya, I'm here to meet a... friend. WAITER What's her name? AMANDA His name is... I'm not sure. Adam, maybe? WAITER I'm afraid I can't help you then. Is it a blind date? AMANDA Not exactly. WAITER I think I see what's going on here...

30. AMANDA You do? WAITER Yes and we have a strict policy. The waiter points to a sign. It reads "NO PROSTITUTES." AMANDA How dare you! I am not a-Sam jumps in. SAM Whoa, whoa there. She's with me. Let her in. (to Amanda) Welcome. WAITER (raising eyebrows) I see, 'Sir'. INT. RESTAURANT - TABLE - MOMENTS LATER Amanda glares back towards the waiter. Sam looks at the menu. AMANDA What a creep! Can you believe that? He thought I was a hooker! Sam nods, weighing up the prospect. SAM Hmmm, I think that it's not such a put down as you might imagine. AMANDA You think I look like a prostitute? SAM Honestly? No. AMANDA Thanks. SAM I wouldn't pay for it. AMANDA Cheers. SAM You have the look of the girl next door. I think most hookers look desperate for their next fix of crack or smack or whatever. But you look like a wholesome girl who--

31. AMANDA How about we start again... Tell me about you. You mentioned this new job earlier? SAM Well... INT. SAM AND DOM'S HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT Dom wolfs down the last of his pot noodle and opens his laptop, his face full of lust. He licks a bit of Pot Noodle juice from his lip. INT. RESTAURANT - TABLE - NIGHT Sam's finishing up a story as Amanda stares, enthralled. AMANDA So you... SAM Drank it. Yup. Amanda laughs uncontrollably, and snorts. She's genuinely enjoying his company. SAM V.O. As you can see, this woman digs me. Cynics may say that she was there for the free meal. I think the truth is apparent though. AMANDA It's amazing, I just came for the free meal. SAM Oh. AMANDA But I've gotta say, hearing how shit your life is really makes me feel better about mine. Even if I do look like a prostitute you wouldn't pay for. SAM All I'm saying is-AMANDA Drop it. SAM ... Others might. Amanda half laughs. Her phone rings.

32. AMANDA Sorry. One second. (to phone) Hi! Awwww. Well, you don't have to worry- I'm out tonight anyway. Kind of... Well, not an enemy. Listen, I'll tell you about it later... Okay, bye! SAM Boyfriend? AMANDA Yeah. SAM Oh shit, really? I was joking. AMANDA He wants me to get some Chinese on the way home, So I should probably-Amanda points to the door. SAM No, that's cool. Down with-AMANDA Sure? SAM --That. Yup. Amanda gets up. AMANDA Nice one. She offers a handshake. Sam accepts, awkwardly. Amanda exits. Sam ushers the waiter over. SAM Bill please. WAITER Sir, may I ask you a question? Not as a waiter but as a twentyfour year old man? Sam pays for the meal. SAM Go on...

33. WAITER How the hell did you just strike out with a mediocre prostitute? Sam offers a dead smile and heads for the door. ANDY MYERS (OS) They don't stay if you don't pay, Sam! Sam turns around to see Andy sitting a few tables behind him, with a STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. SAM Oh, what are you doing here? Andy points to his date. ANDY MYERS Two-hundred and fifty quid an hour. Czech. SAM You're actually not allowed to bring prostitutes here, so... ANDY MYERS Well I am, because I'm famous. Sam looks at the waiter, who nods. Sam hangs his head -total despair -- and walks away. ANDY MYERS Back to the wanking lair! SAM (leaving) I don't live in a wanking lair. EXT. SAM AND DOM'S HOUSE - NIGHT Sam walks up the garden path. Even from here, Dom's vigorous masturbating inside is audible. INT. SAM AND DOM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT Sam opens the door gingerly. Dom's shuffling in the living room is loud. DOM (OS) You dirty little butter slut! Take it! SAM (to himself) Oh, a vocal one.

34. DOM (OS) Oh, Madge! Put some gravy on it and open wide. SAM Hello Dom! This is Sam! I've just arrived back into the flat and will be opening the door to the living room in approximately eight seconds. We hear commotion from the front room. Sam tentatively approaches the door. SAM (CONTINUED) Is it safe? DOM (OS) Yep. INT. SAM AND DOM'S HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Sam walks in. Dom is sitting on the sofa in a rain coat and has a duvet pulled over him. SAM I don't even want to ask. DOM I got carried away, sorry. SAM How'd the job search go? DOM I think I'm on to something. SAM Good. DOM Would you... Like to play some Xbox? SAM Are you wearing pants? DOM I am not wearing pants. SAM Please do. Dom crawls away to his bedroom, wrapped in the duvet. Sam switches the games console on and picks up a controller. DOM (OS) How did the date go?

35. SAM Don't call your date a prostitute. DOM (OS) Tip for the future. Thanks. Dom walks back in, now wearing pants -- and still the raincoat. SAM (exasperated) Why have you still got the raincoat on?! DOM It's cold. SAM But it's not bloody raining in here, is it? They sit on the sofa to play. DOM Dom... DOM Yes? SAM My mum's name's Madge... DOM Is it? I didn't know. Sam's phone beeps. He picks it up to a text from Amanda. It reads: "THANKS FOR TONIGHT. I NEEDED THAT. LET'S BE FRIENDS, PLEASE?" Sam smiles, warmed. SAM Do you know what, Dom? I think everything will be alright. WELSH NARRATOR Little did Sam know-SAM Stop it! CREDITS ROLL.