Above The Game

Above The Game:
A guide to getting AWESOME

with women

Ken Hoinsky
DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all those who are striving to improve their lives
and the lives of others. To all the value givers out there, cheers.
HOW TO USE THIS GUIDE

This guide is concise and easy-to-follow by design. Do NOT think just
because this book can be read in one sitting that you will see any results that
way. It will be tempting to ignore the Action Items and just keep reading,
but please dont. Followed correctly, you will begin to see major life
improvements in 30 days, and by the 90 day point you should be well on
the path to becoming a new man.

Much effort was made to keep the content in this book as powerful as
humanly possible. As I said in the Kickstarter campaign, It won't take 20
pages to blather on about a concept that can be explained in 2. I'm not
trying to waste anyone's time.

Respect the book. In your hands is something incredibly powerful, but only
if you take it seriously. The Action Items draw on the well understood
clinical techniques in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Their repetition
will allow you to push past your boundaries and internalize healthy beliefs.
You need a whole new set of reference experiences to truly become
awesome with women. That is what the Action Items are for.

One final note, if you think you have a serious social phobia, autism, or
some other clinical disorder, please seek help from a medically trained
professional before progressing with this guide. Thanks and good luck!
CONTENTS

Acknowledgments i
1 Ouch 1
2
3
4
In The Weeds
Delusional Optimism
Kickstarted
2
6
8
5 Sexual Communication 13
6 Five Mindsets 19
7
8
Limiting Beliefs
The Fundamentals of Attraction
24
27
9 Body Language & Approaching 34
10 Qualifying & Calibration 39
11 Flirting, Touch & Conversation 45
12 Dating Logistics 52
13 Getting Intimate 58
14 Your Journey Together 60
15 Be A Value Giver 65
16
17

Building & Managing Connections
Keeping Momentum
69
70

i
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to acknowledge everyone Ive gotten to know on my journey to
this point, whether we just crossed paths online or have known each other
since birth. You helped mold me into the man I am today.

To all my friends, family, and supporters who stood by me through thick
and thin, thank you for being there.

To all the men Ive gotten to know in my travels, whether it was for one
night or for ten years, I couldnt have written this book without you.

To all the journalists, bloggers, and internet commenters who wrote about
my story, thank you for your concern and interest in my story and its
greater implications. You werent always kind, but you were the impetus
that caused me to rewrite this book to be one we can all be proud of.
Thank you for that.

Lastly, to all the women in my life, past, present and future, I love you all.
This book is for you.
1

1 OUCH

Ive made a huge mistake. I wrote a rape guide.
2

2 IN THE WEEDS

You could probably use some backstory. No one (I hope) just wakes up
one day and says, I think Im going to write a rape guide. I certainly didnt.
And yet I did.
To fully appreciate the power of the words on these pages, you really need
to understand who I am and what got me to this point.
My childhood was probably very similar to yours. I grew up in a small
suburb. I sucked at sports and spent a lot of time playing video games and
messing around on my computer. I was introduced to my first girlfriend at
15. Great, right? Too bad I was a supplicating loser with no idea what I was
doing. She was the only girl I slept with for the first 20 years of my life.
We went to college together (bad, BAD idea) and, because I was the
stereotypical nice guy, she forced herself to cheat on me just to escape our
horribly mediocre relationship. I was thrown into a six month depression for
which I blame no one but myself.
After two sexless years of college, I found myself firmly in a rut. I
desperately needed a change. I packed my bags and moved to Tokyo for a
one-year study abroad.
I had no idea what I was doing there either. After over six months in the
country, I could more or less hold a basic conversation but wasn't getting
laid. I finally found a girl who would let me sleep with her which almost
immediately turned into a hopeless obsession, right on cue. On Valentine's
Day I got dressed up and bought champagne, flowers and chocolates. I
waited for her to show... She never arrived she was on a date with a more
confident and suave man. I spent Valentine's Day alone crying.
Fast forward a couple months... I got out of my latest rut and decided that
enough was enough. I began going out, hitting the bars and clubs, talking to
people. I had no idea what I was doing but I was energetic, American, partially
fluent in the local language, and drunk. Lo and behold, I started having some
ABOVE THE GAME
3
success with Tokyos discards and undesirables out of sheer luck.
Then I returned to the US. I spent my last two years of college sexless
once again. I wasn't going out, I had massive approach anxiety. I knew how
to handle myself in the bedroom, but I didn't know how to MEET women
in the first place.
I finally met a girl from the internet. She found that fact so embarrassing
that she made me lie to others about how we met. Since I still had no idea
what I was doing, but she was willing to have sex with my pathetic self, I
began dating her exclusively. I spent the next couple years taking her out to
nice dinners, oblivious to the fact that she was falling out of attraction
towards me. I wont insult the word love by pretending we ever had such
a thing. Eventually, she too had to cheat to escape the relationship. That
makes me 3 for 3 for girlfriends cheating and then dumping me. Notice a
pattern? Notice the common variable in this equation? Hint: Its not the
women.
So, around this time, I picked up a copy of The Game at a friend's house.
I found it interesting. I googled the characters from the book and came across
Mystery's original forum posts on usenet. I only really learned one thing,
the Three Second Rule: You have three seconds from when you see a woman
you like to walk up and talk to her. It stopped my Approach Anxiety before
it could even kick in.
At that that time I was living in New York City. I fumbled my way through
nightclubs, bars, after-work happy hours, and parties. I started dating a lot of
women and some of them were even hot! These dates led to relationships,
relationships led to love, and I finally felt in control of my own destiny.
But that all came to a screeching halt in 2010. I took a new job and
relocated back to Tokyo, of all places. Just like that college kid who studied
abroad, I found myself completely alone in a giant metropolis Only this
time I spoke the language, had confidence, and had toiled for years building
social skills and gaining reference experiences in New York.
In other words, it was a perfect storm. I was an artist and Tokyo was my
blank canvas. I felt confident and motivated to master social dynamics and
distill building human connections to a science. I was in such a great place to
learn and practice this stuff. My sexual confidence was at an all-time high
(lets just say my late 20s in NYC were good times), my love life was rock
solid (Ive been with the same lovely woman since 2006), and I was doing
well enough in business to fund the thousands and thousands of required
hours I spent experimenting and socializing.
Not looking to recreate the wheel, I sought out the teachings and musings
of experts in the space. I purchased books and DVD seminars from everyone
from sales trainers, to big-name self-help gurus, to Pickup Artist hucksters.
As with any media created for consumption, most of it is crap, some of it is
excellent, but one thing is for sure theres a shit ton of it on the market.
KEN HOINSKY
4
But I was motivated to master this field. The reason I was able to
comprehend social dynamics at such a high level was because my entry into
this world was extremely atypical. I wasnt a hopeless young romantic looking
for my first girlfriend. Nor was I a heartless Pickup Artist seeking out
vulnerable girls to manipulate and turn into conquests (though I am the first
to admit my early field reports were clearly emulating their style I cringe
when I read some of my early stuff). I was a socially well-adjusted, confident
guy just looking for a way to hack the process of building a social circle in a
new city.
The truth is that people who are good with women tend to not spend
much time in online communities writing about it. They have better things
to do with their time. So the majority of the crowd-sourced advice online
comes from people who are struggling. The proverbial blind leading the
blind.
On the other end of the spectrum, you have gurus who are quite smart
and create excellent advice. The problem with these guys isnt that their
material doesnt work, its that their business model causes them to make
some major compromises. For starters, they dont make their living selling
books. They make the big bucks selling highly expensive seminars and
bootcamps (Mystery from VH1s The Pickup Artist famously charges $12,000
for a weekend of in-person training). Their business model is to pump out as
much free or cheap content as possible to capture your email address and
eventually upsell you on the big ticket items. An even more effective method,
employed by some of the best marketers, is to create a purposefully
confusing, jargon-filled cult of personality THEN offer to spend one-on-one
time together (for the low, low price of $X,000) to help it resonate and break
through. Offering a short-winded, concise step-by-step guide to getting
good with women is completely deleterious to their cause.
The other major compromise the gurus make comes from the old
advertising adage, sex sells. Saying, Sign up for this website and bang
NINES AND TENS by next week! gets an order of magnitude more sign-
ups than This clinically-proven unisex advice derived from Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy will have you building stronger social connections in no
time! Over time, this marketing reality began to taint all the language and
habits that permeate the whole male dating advice spectrum. It is difficult to
argue that pickup artists arent contributing to rape culture when they use
words like target and destroyer. Early on in my writings I was as guilty
as anyone when it comes to this. Again, cringeworthy stuff when I read it
now (or when someone digs up my old writings and tweets it to the world).
So this was the environment I was stepping into when I sought out advice
for men on building social connections in 2010. A huge loose network of
purposefully confusing and jargon-filled communities, driven by an
exponential increase in content. Almost all of it permeated by a regretful
ABOVE THE GAME
5
vernacular that stigmatizes all involved. In other words, it was a mess.
That being said, deep within all that content, if one dug hard enough and
had enough social experience to sort out the good and toss the crap, there
was gold to be found. Modern day philosophers such as Mark Manson were
honorably trying to shift away from pickup artistry to a unisex self-help
culture. Dating specialists such as Zan Perrion and David Wygant were
teaching positive messages about love and connections. Fluffy new age
concepts from everything from Zen Buddhism to Eckhart Tolle were starting
to seep into some products.
So I dove in. I dove in DEEP. I saw the gold at the end of the rainbow,
remembering how life-changing something as simple as the Three Second Rule
had been. By fall 2010 I was watching 20-hour-long seminars and sifting
through thousands of internet forum posts. I casually started posting my own
observations, trials, and tribulations on the popular social discussion site
reddit. I started organizing with other people from the forum and planning
offline meetups. There were spans where I went out seven nights a week,
itching to apply a new complicated Eckhart Tolle concept and blog my
results, much like a junkie on a coke bender. Except my drug was building
connections with people.
I was quickly recognized for my unique intuition and contributions. I
began to espouse a healthier and more effective way at meeting and dating
women. Learning to unlock your natural charisma and charm is a hell of a lot
more fulfilling than reciting a list of lines you read in a book. But more
important than teaching, I was doing. I would go out, try something, and
write about my experience in a way that others could learn from. This was
seen as a nice change of pace from the average quality of advice being posted
online.
I was nominated by the community of readers to become a moderator on
reddit. I graciously accepted. We used our communitys growing influence to
get big name authors such as Neil Strauss, author of The Game, to come on
for Ask Me Anything interviews. I also established local communities in
cities across the globe to encourage young men to meet and help one another
in their self-development journeys. Through my position as a community
leader I got to work closely with thousands of men offline and hundreds of
thousands of men online. I was in a unique position to understand and
appreciate the plight of the average Joe. This would turn out to be a blessing
and a curse.

KEN HOINSKY
6

3 DELUSIONAL OPTIMISM

By mid-2012, I had built great social circles in New York, Tokyo, and San
Francisco (where I relocated in mid-2011 for a startup venture). I not only
figured out how to do it, but had completely internalized my experience. I
repeated my success in multiple locations across the globe. Through my
efforts I saw people become best friends, roommates, husband and wife,
business partners, mentors, successful entrepreneurs, and all-around great
people. I had proved to myself that, through very hard work and
introspection, it is possible to improve ones lot in life.
However, the advice that I was giving men seeking dating help was
becoming increasingly obtuse and long-winded. It was Watch this 20-hour
seminar, read these books, listen to this long audio diatribe, go out and talk
to a thousand people, live-blog your experiences, meditate, go to the gym,
and solicit feedback every week for the next year. Just because I went
through it and survived doesnt mean its the ideal way to learn. In fact it was
turning people off from even trying.
I stared off into the distance and saw thousands of hopeless faces men
struggling with women struggling with shrinking self-esteem, and rising
depression and anxiety. My heart poured out to them. I know that guy. I used to
be that guy. A statement then came to me in a dream I did my 10,000 hours
so the next guy only has to do 5,000. Thats it! I was uniquely positioned to
fix this problem. If not me, then who? What sort of value giver would I be
if I held this knowledge back from people?
I started collecting all my notes, based on real in-field experience and
coaching I've done, distilling the best theory, advice, and methods into one
condensed methodology complete with Action Items for people to start
implementing immediately. These notes formed the basis of the first online
draft of Above The Game.

ABOVE THE GAME
7
In summer 2012, I left my startup to spend some time with my mother,
who had been battling cancer. Im not much for downtime, so I camped out
religiously every morning in a local coffee shop, drafting out all my notes and
thoughts. I spent weeks writing what was, in my mind, the guide to end all
guides. I envisioned it as an entry point for every newcomer looking for
advice on how to improve their lives and get better with women. Above The
Game was the obvious title. To truly get awesome with women, you have to
become awesome yourself. You have to be above all the tricks and
manipulations commonly espoused in what the pickup world calls the
game. Be above that. Be above the game. You get the idea.
I saw it as a healthy alternative to the status quo. A way to get men
working on themselves and working towards healthier relationships with
women. I posted the first two chapters online in November 2012. It was a
huge hit.
As I continued posting the rest of the chapters over the following six
months, it only grew more popular. People were taking tremendous value
from it. A concise step-by-step guide for getting good with women, written
by someone who made the journey himself, and all for free! Imagine that.
It wasnt long before the requests to publish it as a book flooded in. I
have to say, I agreed with their logic. A lot of men would gladly purchase a
copy for their Kindle, for some private bedtime reading, or give a copy to
their brother as a graduation gift. Whereas spending time reading sloppily
formatted posts on the admittedly-creepily named seduction section of a
nerdy, pseudo-anonymous website isnt for everybody.
But I also didnt want to be a sell-out. I was posting my guide for free, to
counter the stereotypical dating advice business models. Embracing that
model myself isnt in my DNA. I dabbled with paid coaching for less than
two months before realizing its not what I want to do with my life. I would
rather guys spend $3000 on a hundred nights in bars and clubs, honing their
craft, not paying me to be their wingman for a weekend.
So ultimately I came to a compromise. I would crowdfund and self-
publish the book via Kickstarter, a site for people to donate money to
creators in exchange for being an early supporter. That way I only needed to
raise $2000 and could keep my day job (or so I thought haha). I resigned as
moderator to remove any conflict of interest.
I briefly thought about doing the Kickstarter under my online handle,
TofuTofu, instead of my real name. But then I thought to myself, Ive been
improving the lives of thousands of people across the globe, operating in
total obscurity from the people closest in my life. Fuck that, Im proud of all
Ive done. I will gladly attach my name to it!
I would quickly come to regret that decision.

KEN HOINSKY
8

4 KICKSTARTED

The Kickstarter campaign started out great. I was hoping to raise $2000
in three weeks. Instead, I reached that goal in under three hours. Needless to
say, it validated two points for me. One, there is a very clear market demand
for a concise guide for men to improve their skills with women. And two,
people want to read my writings on the subject.
By the final day of the Kickstarter, I had raised $16,369 from 732 backers.
A success by any measure, right? Well, let me tell you about success.
Success on a site like Kickstarter invariably brings visibility. High profile
creators like Spike Lee and Zach Braff have turned to the platform to raise
millions for their pet projects. It has allowed for gutsy consumer products
like the Pebble smart watch and Ouya gaming system to raise their seed
funding without giving away valuable company equity. It is a fantastic site
that amplifies visibility for hotly-demanded projects and creators.
But with visibility comes criticism. And any time sex is involved, that
means a LOT of criticism. My words were rightfully scrutinized on a level
very few ever get to experience. I was destroyed in the public coliseum,
accused of writing a rape guide. And you know what, they were right.
Now I am not saying that quotes werent used out of context to make it
look worse than it was. Nor am I saying that journalists and bloggers didnt
have their own agenda to drum up controversy to sell advertising
impressions. Of course they did. Thats how the media works. But the crux
of the issue that I wrote things that could be interpreted as a guide for
would-be rapists ala CNN
1
is accurate. I wrote some abhorrent stuff. Ive
since apologized for it and sincerely regret my wording in places.

1
http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/21/tech/kickstarter-apology/
ABOVE THE GAME
9
The criticism started on the morning of the last day of the Kickstarter
campaign. A blogger who goes by the name Casey Malone put up a blog post
on Tumblr titled This Is Not Fucking Harmless.
2
In it he took some of the
most offensive quotes and asked his readers to contact Kickstarter
demanding the project be taken down. The post went viral and was quickly
picked up by the pop-feminist megablog, Jezebel. From there it hit the
national media.
The social activism website DoSomething.org put up a blog post asking
people to sign a petition to the CEO of Kickstarter to take down the project.
3

Their content editor and author of said post, Ben Kassoy, became my greatest
and most honest critic, for which I respect him greatly.
Now, I know myself better than anyone, and though Id love to say that
a less brutal and public smack to the face would have woken me up to the
stupidity of my word choices, thats just not true. Being branded a rape guide
author on a public stage was the greatest thing that ever happened to me as
a dating coach.
Feminist author Clarisse Thorn, ends her amazing analysis of the pickup
world, Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser, pointing out a market need for a
feminist-friendly guide for men. Taken a step further, a guide that everyone,
man, woman, or otherwise, can be proud to recommend. A guide that offers
a real solution to frustrated men, keeping them away from the slippery slope
of objectification, misogyny, sexual assault and rape. I proffer that not only
does it exist, but that you are currently reading it. It just required being called
out on my rapey bullshit on a national stage to get to this point.
Now, I know the people who have been following me since my early
reddit days probably arent shocked by that. Compared to some of the things
that get tossed around casually in seduction communities, my writing is
downright G-rated. In my mind I was already writing something that was
harmless and helpful to shy guys looking to improve. To this day I stand by
my statement that my intentions were pure. I was just so deep in the weeds
of rape culture and male-normalized speech (not just male-normalized speed
shy nerdy, terrified of touching a woman normalized speech) to not see
how awful I was. My language, inside the context of my little corner of the
web, was bad enough. Taken on its own and magnified by the media, its a
goddamn rape guide. And I wrote it. My intentions were and are irrelevant.
Now, this book isnt intended to be a cover-to-cover apology for being
an idiot. I do want to provide one bit of analysis on what I call the telephone
game media culture we live in. If just one person reads this and spends a

2
http://caseymalone.com/post/53339539674/this-is-not-fucking-harmless
3
http://www.dosomething.org/petition/kickstarter
KEN HOINSKY
10
few extra minutes imagining the full context of the next scandal they come
across, I will be glad. I wrote some bad things, but the death threats were
probably overkill, guys. Just take a moment to consider all sides of the story,
mmkay?
I dont want to take anything away from DoSomething.org. They are
doing Gods work on a daily basis. Their petition caused Kickstarter to issue
a public apology and donate $25,000 to RAINN (a leading anti-rape
organization).
4
That is AMAZING and they should be very proud of
themselves. However, this was the context of my words that many of the
60,000+ petition signers were exposed to:

4
https://www.kickstarter.com/blog/we-were-wrong
ABOVE THE GAME
11
Yup, a text message. I can tell you from experience, I would not wish for
my worst enemys words to be judged on a summary that fits in 140-
characters. So when I said that my words were taken out of context, please
keep that in mind.
That being said, thanks to the publicity garnered by my Kickstarter, I had
the privilege of sitting down and discussing my goals, thought processes,
words, and criticisms with leading womens rights activists, anti-rape groups,
feminist authors, and popular sex and dating advice writers. Ive also held
women-only focus groups across four different cities and two countries. I no
longer want to teach men merely within the comforts offered by an insular
seduction community. Nearly all men have areas of their relations with
women that they wish they could work on. It is so much more fulfilling to
write for a hugely broad audience. My central goal is to make the world a
better place for ALL people to exist in. It took being forced to reassess
everything Ive ever done, thought or written to get to this point.
Here is a quote from an article of my meeting with Ben Kassoy, the author
of the Kickstarter petition that lit my world on fire. I think it sums up the
situation well.
5

Im trying my best to hate Hoinsky, but he seems, for lack of a
better term, like a nice dude. He is articulate without the bravado
and raunchy alpha-male sensibility of his writing. He makes eye
contact and listens intently; he evokes none of the defensiveness or
anger Id anticipated. Instead, hes polite and discusses the
previous weekone in which someone wrote him, I hope you get
rapedwith humility and poise.
He seems less like the person whose advice to men is, Physically
pick her up and sit her on your lap. Don't ask for permission. Be
dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances and more like the self-
proclaimed feminist who speaks affectionately about his mother and

5
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2013/06/my-date-
with-the-author-of-the.html
KEN HOINSKY
12
whose other advice includes, Celebrate [womens] beauty, Make
her feel valued and appreciated, and Compromise is important.
As we sip from our magenta cups, it becomes apparent that Im
speaking not with a rape advocate but with a man whos woefully
uninformed as to the issues at hand and the dangerous implications
of his words.

ABOVE THE GAME
13

5 SEXUAL COMMUNICATION

Consent, as it is commonly understood, is a broken concept. It is easily
misinterpreted and abused. Look at the following sentences:

I wasnt thrilled about it, but in the end I gave my consent.
Im going to need your consent before I can do that.
I was able to get his consent.

These three sentences could apply to anything from sex to a business
transaction to waiving insurance at a car rental place. All three imply a finality
(once attained, consent is immutable) and something to be gotten. Talk
about a broken concept when applied to sex!
This pervasive and elementary view of consent is so prevalent, it has
become a common source of comedy in raunchy TV shows and films. The
following is an exchange from the FXX TV show, Its Always Sunny in
Philadelphia, a comedy about awful people doing awful things. In this scene,
Mac the bartender is interviewing aspiring models in private, trying to decide
which one will get to be on their billboard.
6

Mac: Why should I pick you over the other girls?
Model: Im willing to do anything in order to win.
Mac: Youre talking about banging me, right?
Model: Maybe
Mac: If you say yes, I can write it down
Model: Yes.
Mac: OK, great. Thats written down now. Thats like a contract. Perfect,
you cant go back on it.

6
Season 4, Episode 3, Americas Next Top Paddys Billboard Model Contest
KEN HOINSKY
14
Or for another pop culture trope, check out this scene from the hit CBS
sitcom, How I Met Your Mother.
7

In a parody of the film A Beautiful Mind, the character of Barney Stinson,
a pickup artist caricature, is concocting an elaborate scheme to find the best
way to have sex with his ex-girlfriend, Robin.
The idea of men going to crazy lengths to come up with ways to trick
women into sleeping with them has got to be one of the most pervasive
tropes in modern pop culture. Consent is the end goal, and all options are on the
table to attain it. This is a common, normalized belief. Even though these
examples are exaggerated parodies for humorous effect, it doesnt change the
fact that consent, as a concept, is broken.
Pickup Artistry has come up with elaborate LMR Destroyers which
are routines and tricks to overcome a womans last minute resistance. The
end goal = consent. Go get it, brah. What a broken concept. And yet the idea
of an LMR Destroyer makes perfect sense if thats how you view consent.
I was as guilty of this way of thinking as anyone. Im no sociologist, so Im
not going to speculate as to the source of this way of thinking (Religion? Mass
media? Hell if I know.) All I know is it is one of the main root causes of bad
sex, rape accusations, blue balls, awkwardness, and broken friendships.

7
Season 4, Episode 5, Shelter Island
ABOVE THE GAME
15
It gets even worse. Studies have shown that a significant portion of the
population has said no when meaning yes.
8
Any man with significant
sexual experience would anecdotally back this stat up. What an absolute
clusterfuck.
Ive spent much time researching the topic of consent, through the
writings of, and conversations with, experts in the space, holding focus
groups, and my own personal meditations on the matter. Men, especially
those who write dating advice for a living, dont like to deep dive into the
topic of consent. It puts the topic of rape squarely on the table and opens up
the potential for negative PR no one wants to deal with (this author included
*ahem*). Its much simpler to focus on the male-centric view of consent
Do what you gotta do to get her consent, have sex, high five your bros later. Men love to
talk about their conquests but we arent big on going into bedroom details,
unless its something especially out of the ordinary. And I can speak from
experience and tell you that consent gets less than 1% the level of
discussion online as opening lines.
This collective keeping our heads in the sand isnt just raising the
incidence of date rape and awkwardness, its holding back progress for all of
male dating advice! With this book, I am introducing an idea. I am calling to
replace consent with sexual communication.
Heres the deal, pickup guys. The whole paradigm is broken. The folks
in the enlightened camps among BDSM, poly, and certain feminist circles
have eclipsed you on this. The whole paradigm is shifting on its head, where
getting consent is being replaced with continuously qualifying,
communicating, and eliciting sexual interests. You wont need to destroy
last minute resistance because there is no such thing as last minute
resistance. It doesnt exist in this paradigm. In this new world, an
environment of safety, passion, and communication begins from the moment
you first introduce yourself, and ends well when you guys stop seeing
each other. The sexual journey you guys go on together IS the pickup.
There is no goal of getting consent anymore. Its all sexual communication.
Sexual communication is being direct with your intentions and desires.
It means taking the time to understand exactly what both parties are into and
establishing the comfort and safety necessary to progress the relationship.
Sexual communication is holding strong eye contact when speaking to
a woman you find beautiful.
Sexual communication is telling a woman you think she seems like fun
and that youd like to see her again.

8
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1988 May. Do women
sometimes say no when they mean yes? The prevalence and correlates of
women's token resistance to sex.
KEN HOINSKY
16
Sexual communication is understanding her logistical situation so you
can respect it and accommodate for it.
Sexual communication is being direct with your intentions in a tactful
way.
Sexual communication is creating an environment of safety, where she
feels safe being swept off her feet.
Sexual communication means starting with a handshake and
establishing mutual intimacy before getting overly physical.
Sexual communication means sharing your desires and encouraging her
to share hers too, if shes comfortable.
Sexual communication means she understands that you like her that
way from early on. There will be no friend zone misunderstandings and
frustration.
Sexual communication means no judgment or shame.
Sexual communication means a soft touch is enthusiastically received
BEFORE you go in for the kiss.
Sexual communication means taking extra time to find out what she
enjoys in bed, and vice versa.
Sexual communication means its always OK to say no.
Sexual communication means establishing a safe environment where
both parties feel free to explore.
Sexual communication means you find out that the woman youre
talking to is interested in a casual hookup.
Sexual communication means you find out your friend wants benefits
too.
Sexual communication means learning that your partner fantasizes
about threesomes, four weeks into the relationship, not four years.
Sexual communication means realizing that you two arent emotionally
ready to handle a threesome, thus avoiding a common pitfall.
Sexual communication means better sex in general.
Sexual communication means a safe environment to experiment.
Sexual communication means being able to be submissive, or dominant,
or anything in between.
Sexual communication means less awkwardness.
Sexual communication means an end to acquaintance/date rape.
Sexual communication means your intentions are always crystal clear,
boundaries are always respected, and an undercurrent of safety surrounds the
excitement of adventure.
Some guys seem worried that not being super aggressive will somehow
hurt their chances and that they will not have sex. This is an irrational fear.
The constant back-and-forth of getting to know each others minds and
bodies will ONLY lead to stronger, richer relationships.

ABOVE THE GAME
17
If you communicate your desire, and your desire to learn about what
turns her on, her passions, and her entire logistical situation, she wont be
surprised when you softly move from a touch her on forearm to a brief graze
on the small of her back, to a close embrace, to a soft touch on the cheek, to
a kiss. None of it will be overbearing, or surprising, or taking away any of her
agency. Its one of the most beautiful things imaginable.
Were not animals. We ARE capable of this, men. In the excellent
feminist anti-rape manifesto, Yes Means Yes, Jill Filipovic wrote, Men are
rational human beings fully capable of listening to their partners and
understanding that sex isnt about pushing someone to do something they
dont want to do.
9

But try this on for size. Not taking the time to get to know a womans
innermost desires and passions is downright piss-poor as a seduction strategy,
anyway. Later on in this guide, I will introduce a concept called I wonder what
shes like. Its one of the most fundamental and effective mindsets in all my
teachings. If you ignore sex while embracing it, you will be missing out on
some of the most sexy and effective ways to communicate your desire while
getting to know the woman youre with. Speaking to women all across the
globe, I can tell you bad communication when it comes to sex is the #1
gripe women have with men who are trying to date them. The ambiguity that
leads to the friend zone, the lack of communication that causes sexual
incompatibilities to spring up too late, and millions of nights of bad sex can
all be rooted back to this idea. Replacing the whole consent paradigm with
a focus on mutual sexual communication isnt only the right thing to do, its
THE MOST EFFECTIVE DATING STRATEGY KNOWN TO MAN.
Thats right, guys. Embrace sexual communication and youll get
laid. Put that on a bumper sticker.
Also in Yes Means Yes, Rachel Kramee Bussel wrote, By not speaking
up or waiting until the other person can share their desires, we are simply
guessing. Its a huge red flag if you never wind up feeling comfortable enough
to speak up about sex with the one person you should be able to talk to about
it.
10
We MUST get past this immature way of assuming we know our
partners better than they do. As you read the rest of this guide, keep the
concept of sex and sexual communication in the back of your mind. Directly
interweave it with topics like qualification, calibration, sex, and logistics, and
you will be better received by women, hands down.

9
Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape,
Friedman & Valenti, p.20
10
Friedman & Valenti, p.44, 46
KEN HOINSKY
18
This might not sound feminist-friendly, but the onus on making a world
where women are treated as collaborators and not conquests falls on us men.
The fact you are reading this book means you are cognizant of these issues
and probably willing to try. Women the world over have had the well tainted
by lousy, insecure men who never made an effort to establish a safe
environment where desires can be openly communicated. Its on you to open
her eyes to this ideal and live it together. We will all be better off for it. Better
sexual communication means happier men and women. That means that
making the world a better place starts with you, with the next woman you
approach.
19

6 FIVE MINDSETS

Buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life. Embrace and practice the steps in the
following sections and you will become the man you've always wanted to be. What follows
is a glimpse into your future...

There are FIVE mindsets that you need to adopt if you want success with
women. Thats it. FIVE. Sounds easy, right? It actually is! But you need to
actually follow this guide. Follow this for one month. I guarantee you will get
results. Everything in this guide fits into one of these five mindsets.

1) Desire
You are genuinely delighted by women. You cannot help but celebrate
their beauty. You have incredible love and compassion towards women, but
no neediness. You realize that all women desire passion, good sex and
adventure. It is your mission on this planet to bring that to them to make
them feel sexy, loved and beautiful.

2) Abundance
Your life is on such a journey towards greatness that all those who come
into contact with you instantly recognize it. When you meet a beautiful
woman, you gladly welcome her to come along for the ride, but you are
unwavering on your commitment to your journey.

3) Authenticity
You understand your values and arent afraid to communicate them
openly. You are proud of your life and your journey. You are direct with your
intentions and standards. Women respect you and speak of you as one of
KEN HOINSKY
20
the good ones. You understand to your core that her heart will be broken if
she ever feels manipulated by you. You literally have the power to color all
her future interactions with men. Women may feel disappointed that they
cannot be with you, but they will never feel spurned by you. Honesty is as
strong an aphrodisiac as they come.
You've studied body language in detail. You've practiced and dedicated
hundreds of hours perfecting your craft. When you approach a woman, you
can confidently focus on her like she's the only girl in the world, using your
body to do most of the talking. You are a master of the full-body smile, eye-
contact, and taking up space. Your body communicates authentically on your
behalf.
You have eclectic interests, hobbies and opinions beyond the average
person. You are learned. There will be plenty of people who see things
differently from you, but this does not bother you. Above all else, everyone
you encounter in life will think, "Wow, who is this man? There's something
about him..."

4) Self-amusement
You never take things too seriously. You are immensely confident, to the
point where you can laugh at her, yourself, and the situation. You live a life
of self-amusement. You have no qualms being self-deprecating in your
humor as appropriate. You are a master of the shit-eating grin. Your
confidence will shine through. You know when to act silly or off the wall as
a way to manipulate your inner emotional state. You find excuses to honestly
laugh from your belly every chance you get. People love being around you
for this reason.

5) Value-giving
You maintain a positive attitude about your mind, your body, your
situation in life, and everyone else around you. You dont let negativity seep
in and suck your value away. You understand the difference between "good-
looking" and "attractive" to your core. You make no excuses for your faults
and succeed in spite of them. You've been handed the blueprint for success
and you've used it.
You find excuses to be inclusive and social instead of exclusive and alone.
You realize it doesnt harm you in any way to give more than you take, and
in fact, people want to be around givers. Value is limitless. Learn to give
without expectation and the world will reward you to your hearts content.
You fully understand that women are sick of mediocre men. You have
taken steps to remove all mediocrity from your being. You've transcended
what you ever thought was possible.

ABOVE THE GAME
21

Action Items

1) Go someplace relaxing where you can be all alone. Bring a pen and this
book. Ponder deeply and visualize the man you want to be 90 days from now.
Catalog your life and remove anything and everything that doesn't fit this new
image you have for yourself. Write this all down.
Examples: Stop wasting time playing pointless video games, stop
watching useless TV, stop pointless web browsing. Cut out friends
who harm your self-image.

2) Identify what behaviors you need to add to your life to become the
man you hope to be in 90 days. Add them immediately.
Examples: Enrolling in classes, reading fine literature (go get a library
card), joining a gym and going, studying for the LSAT.

3) Read and apply the other sections of this guide.

4) Revisit this guide every 90 days and continue to repeat steps 1-4 until
you can confidently state you are the man you always hoped you would be.

KEN HOINSKY
22

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page

ABOVE THE GAME
23

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page (cont.)

KEN HOINSKY
24

7 LIMITING BELIEFS

There is no easy way to say this, so I just will. You will never get past your
plateaus as you progress if you dont face your limiting beliefs head on. So
whats a limiting belief, you ask? Its pretty simple.
A limiting belief is any excuse you make to keep from facing the cold,
hard reality that you just arent trying hard enough.
It is also recognizing the reality of your situation and succeeding IN
SPITE of it, not using it as an excuse for your failure. Here is a great example
from a conversation I had with a close friend. He is an Indian-American man
in his 20s who has put a lot of effort into becoming better with women. Ive
personally witnessed the hard work and subsequent success. He mentioned
to me one day that a common excuse Indian men make is Man, I cant get
anywhere with white women. White girls prefer white guys, not brown guys.
I bet some of you are nodding your head, going Yep, heard that before.
It is pretty common for people to want to point to unchangeable external
factors as convenient excuses for their failures. Who can blame them? After
all, it is so much easier on the ego than recognizing that, hey, maybe you just
arent working hard enough on yourself.
My Indian-American friends clever retort to when guys say that is, So
what? White girls DO prefer white guys. Does that make you feel better now?
Did that help you in any way?
Besides, its all fabricated bullshit, created by your ego as a protection
mechanism. Kate Harding, in her entry in Yes Means Yes, wrote Aint no such
thing as a person whos categorically hot in the opinion of every single person
who sees them.
11

The point isnt whether or not one race prefers another. I dont have any

11
Friedman & Valenti, p.73
ABOVE THE GAME
25
data to support that in any direction and dont particularly care. The point is
to stop worrying about meaningless external factors that you cant change.
Did Spud Webb use being 57 as an excuse not to make it in the NBA? No!
He embraced it head on and succeeded IN SPITE of it! That tiny
motherfucker won a god-damn SLAM DUNK CONTEST! Adopt that
mindset. Channel your inner Spud-fucking-Webb!
And you gotta stop making assumptions about womens beliefs! Every
tall woman you dont approach because youre 53 and shes probably not
into short guys is missing out on your awesomeness. You are being a
douchebag by taking away her ability to make a decision on your sexual
candidacy. Who the hell are you to make up her mind for her?! The worst
case scenario is you find out shes not into you, but at least you let her make
that call. STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! Sheesh, you
narcissistic twit.
When in doubt, a touch of delusionally optimistic Who knows, maybe
shell be into me? is 1000x more attractive than irrationally low self-esteem
brought on by limiting beliefs.
Additionally, every second you waste on negative thinking is a second you
could be spending working towards something great. Not only that, it is
frighteningly easy to fall into negative thought spirals, from which escape is
extremely difficult. Negativity breeds contempt. Negativity is unattractive.
Negativity is the root cause of anxiety, depression, and all sorts of stunted
self-development.
It is so tempting to start overanalyzing the status quo of your reality as a
non-productive substitution for real development. Many people spend nearly
every waking moment worrying about gender relations, the haves and have
nots, and pseudo-imaginary oppression by various institutions. While its
important to have an awareness of the reality one exists in, when analysis
turns into neurosis, and when complaining turns into inaction, you, sir, are
suffering from limiting beliefs.
Another type of limiting belief is the irrational preconception. This
happens a lot to guys who get way, WAY too into pickup. Suddenly
everything becomes a test they have to pass. You can drive yourself mad
analyzing things this way and cease seeing the forest for the trees. If you think
you might be overthinking some aspect of social dynamics, talk to someone
about it. Chances are, theyll say, Dude, youre overthinking it.
Understand what aspects of your life you can change, and change them
for the better. Its easy to complain; its hard to effect change. Awesome
people succeed in spite of their shortcomings and disadvantages. Be
awesome.

KEN HOINSKY
26

Action Items

1) For the next 24 hours, try to catch every negative thought you have.
Write it down immediately and spend 5 minutes meditating on it. Is it
something you can change? Or is it something not worth even thinking
about? Are you making excuses for inaction? Meditate on this every week.
Consider starting an excuses journal.
27

8 THE FUNDAMENTALS OF ATTRACTION

There are four factors that serve to generate attraction.

1) Authenticity
A lot has been written about confidence. If you boil it down to its simplest
parts, however, confidence can be defined as authenticity.
An authentic man is a man who lives a life of honesty to himself and the
world. He is in tune with his true values and isn't afraid to show them to
others. He stands proverbially naked to the world, warts and all. When he
thinks a woman is beautiful, he tells her. When he dislikes something, he
speaks up. When he wants something, he pursues it. An authentic man seeks
truth, friendship, love, sex, and beauty. He is unabashed in his pursuits
because he lives a life of authenticity. He has absolutely nothing to be
ashamed of, not to himself nor others.
An authentic man understands the difference between his ego (socially
conditioned limiting beliefs) and his being (his true self). He lives to satisfy
It doesnt matter what he looks
like. If a man has the confidence to
approach women, hes golden. And
it doesnt matter where he got that
confidence.
-Julie, focus group attendee
KEN HOINSKY
28
his being's true desires. The world is his oyster, and yet he knows it owes him
nothing. He possesses true confidence: The confidence to know that if there
is any human way to acquire something he desires, he will get it, but if it's not
in the cards, then he shrugs it off, It was never meant to be.

Ways to demonstrate authenticity: Speaking honestly and openly.
Showcasing strong body language.

2) Desire
Women desire men who desire women. All women, heck, all human
beings, long to be desired. Being desired is a fundamental pleasure that we all
enjoy.
A lot of traditional pickup theory advocates opening indirectly and
masking one's intentions. FUCK THAT NOISE. The battle of direct versus
indirect has been fought and direct has won. Indirect opening and masking
one's intentions is the primordial ooze that the Friend Zone crawled out of.
You desire her, don't you? FUCKING TELL HER.
Now what does that mean? Yes, it means telling a girl she's cute and that
you want to get to know her better... But it can be just as powerfully done
with eye contact, posture, and a carefully timed touch. Starting with
something non-threatening, like a handshake, is great. Hold eye contact,
smile, and LISTEN. And I mean, really listen. Focus on being completely
present in the moment. Nothing says desire more than listening intently.
Most people are so self-centered that they rarely take the time to truly listen
to the person they are speaking to. This is such a simple way to show how
youre different from the pack and actually care what she has to say. Being
desired for your body is cool, but being desired for your mind is heavenly.

Ways to demonstrate desire: Touch. Direct statements of intent.
Strong, unwavering eye contact. Listening intently. Passionate sex.
I can tell when a guy is reciting a
line. Flirting is better when its free-
flowing.
-Vicki, focus group attendee
ABOVE THE GAME
29

3) Excitement
Everyone wants to be taken on a magic carpet ride. The exhilaration of
meeting someone new and sharing new experiences is a fundamental human
pleasure. So it goes without saying that women appreciate a man who can
inject some adventure into their lives. They want to wake up the morning
after meeting a man thinking, Wow, who WAS that guy? Women want
amazing stories to tell their friends and make them jealous. Women want
passion. Women want to be swept off their feet.
Are you leaving an amazing first impression with the women you meet?
Are your date ideas better than anyone else's you know? Are you the one
deciding what the next move is? Its perfectly OK to be the one making
decisions on what to do, especially early on in a relationship. The whole ritual
of sexual communication means she is getting to know you while you are
getting to know her. If you dont take initiative and offer up pieces of your
unique personality, she might not feel comfortable doing the same in return.
Ironically, taking a leadership mindset can open up lines of communication
even better than constantly saying, So what do you want to do? and I
dunno, what do you think?
Be unique. Say and do things no ones ever said or done before. Stand out
from the crowd. Break the rules call when she is expecting a text sometimes.
Be bold.

Ways to demonstrate excitement: Be decisive. Be unique. Use non-
sequiturs in conversation. Do random things for the lulz.

I love when guys go against the
rules. It stands out from the crowd
and comes across as genuine.
-Jessica, focus group attendee
KEN HOINSKY
30
4) Lifestyle
You have eclectic interests and hobbies. You have a job you actually enjoy
or are pursuing a career/education that is in touch with your being's true
desires. You have interesting friends and go on adventures all the time.
You have studied fashion and take care to look good. You work out. You
make a conscious effort to have the best hygiene possible.

Ways to demonstrate lifestyle: Live a great life and people will take
notice.

Action Items

1) Look at the notes you made in chapter 6. Analyze them. Are you being
entirely honest with yourself? Is there more you could be doing? Did you
write down unattainable goals? Write them out again, this time with 100%
honesty to yourself. Review and alter these notes at LEAST once a week until
you are satisfied that you are being 100% authentic.

2) Try to go an entire day without masking your intentions or true feelings.
Vocalize how you honestly feel while treating everyone you talk to with
respect. Try to catch yourself every time you're being less than 100% honest.

Examples:
I don't mind that you canceled an hour before our date.
My hobbies are lame, you don't want to hear about them...
I'm OK with us being exclusive.

3) Continue step #2 for a week, then 2 weeks. Then a month. Then 90
days.

4) Go to a mall or a busy public place, find an attractive woman and say,
You know, you are absolutely beautiful. I just had to tell you that. See?
That wasn't so bad, right? Now do it again. And again. After ten approaches,
I work a boring desk job. Its nice
to meet someone who has a more
exciting life than mine.
-Tanya, focus group attendee
ABOVE THE GAME
31
try and initiate a short conversation. Do not let a week go by without telling
a beautiful woman that she is beautiful ever again. Don't let your seduction
muscles atrophy.

5) Think of a random and fun outing that you doubt many men would
ever think of. Once you think something up, go out to a bar or coffee shop.
Approach a handful of women and say, Excuse me, I was wondering what
you think of this date idea... Get their honest opinion on it. If it goes over
well, jot it down on the following page. Repeat this until you have 25 random
and fun date ideas. Use these liberally you are now more exciting than 99%
of men.

6) Be honest with yourself... Are you happy with your sense of style and
fashion? If you aren't (and you probably aren't!), spend 10 hours reading
fashion magazines and forums and another 10 hours talking to the
salespeople at high-end men's clothing stores. Develop a sense of style that
you think might work and, just like in step 5, run it by a handful of well-
dressed women. Take their opinions to heart, but with a grain of salt. Jot
down what you think you want to look like and go buy yourself a new
wardrobe. If you cannot afford to do so, start saving 10% of your income
every week until you can. Buy yourself at least ONE great outfit as soon as
possible.

7) Tell at least one close friend or family member about your new journey
to improve yourself as a man and beg them to pester you about it on a weekly
basis. Hold them to this.

KEN HOINSKY
32


ABOVE THE GAME
33


34

9 BODY LANGUAGE & APPROACHING

A Simple Guide to Body Language
All right, let's talk about body language. Body language before and during
your approach specifically. Other than physical touch, body language is
probably THE difference that separates the champs from the chumps. And
I have some great news for you guys... Going from bad body language to
good body language is probably the highest return-on-investment you
will ever find when studying seduction. An hour behind a mirror and a few
nights out is all you need to get the ball rolling in the right direction. You just
need to bring some awareness to your body language.

1) Your mother was right stand up straight!
Slouching is a turn off. There is no simpler way to state this. Barring
medical reasons, from now on you will never not stand up straight. EVER.
Be conscious of your posture at all times and make an active effort to sit and
stand up straight. Just get used to it, it's part of the new you.

2) But... what do I do with my hands?
First off, stop thinking about your fucking hands. No one cares about
your hands. The more you think about them, the more in your head you're
going to be. Keep them down on your sides. That's it. That's all you need to
know. Anything beyond that is mental masturbation.

ABOVE THE GAME
35

3) Smirk
You know the smirk I'm talking about. The one that makes you think,
That guy intrigues me. I wonder what he's thinking about. It's between
too goofy and too serious. It screams doesn't take himself too
seriously. It looks relaxed. It has a touch of smugness to it, but not too
much. It's that look on your face when you're rocking that new sexy haircut
and outfit before you go out, when you catch yourself in the mirror and think,
Oh fuck yeah, I'm looking good. Get to know that smirk well, it is now the
face you will showcase to the world when you're out talking to women.

4) Eye Contact
Motherfucking eye contact! If there is anything resembling a magic pill,
this is it! You MUST get comfortable looking people in the eye and not
breaking eye contact first. Men who are successful in life do this. They hold
eye contact. Look DIRECTLY into her eye and DO NOT LOOK AWAY.
I don't give a shit if you're a foot away or across the room from her, HOLD
IT. You will feel a rush of energy, nerves, and POWER. Learn to love that
feeling, it's the feeling of you becoming a man who is successful with women,
kiddo. Run with it.

5) Dont stand so far away that she cant hear you
Theres a delicate balance with how close you can and should be when
speaking to a woman in social situations. You dont want to be a Seinfeld-
esque close-talker, but at the same time most nervous guys go in the complete
opposite direction and stand practically glued to the wall. You want to be
close enough to be able to catch her if she fell, but not so close that you are
violating her personal space. If you need a rule of thumb, start with your faces
three feet apart.
I am a big proponent of the handshake. When you shake her hand, hold
the handshake for just slightly longer than most guys would, and close the gap
between you and the girl until you can feel the sexual tension thicken up. This
is how you demonstrate intent in your approach.
Trust me, if you've got that I'd fuck me smirk on your face, standing
tall, holding eye contact, at a comfortably close distance, she will KNOW that
I find it so sexy when a man wears
a shit-eating grin.
-Tracy, focus group attendee
KEN HOINSKY
36
you desire her and want to get to know her better. You can literally say
anything at this point and you've made a direct approach. Congrats! Speaking
of approaching...

The Approach
A quick pop quiz for you. Which of these are good openers?

Hi. How's your day going?
Excuse me. I just have to say, you are absolutely stunning. I'd be kicking myself
later on if I didn't introduce myself...
Oh my god, I love your sense of fashion.
Hey, help me decide which martini to order.
Where you girls from?

Trick question. They're all awesome because you're a non-needy, sexy
man with GOOD BODY LANGUAGE.
Master body language and you'll never have to think of a pickup line again.
You can open with pretty much anything. Congrats!
But what about approach anxiety? Yes, it's real. Yes, it never goes away.
But you've made a decision to get good at this stuff, haven't you? If you
haven't, then why the fuck are you reading this? Go jerk off; I hear lonely
tears make excellent lube. Otherwise, follow the Action Items in this guide
and you'll be well on your way to success.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I like nerds and dorks but I never
get to meet them because theyre
too scared to approach me.
-Yuki, focus group attendee
But if they find out Im taken and
get pissed, thats the worst.
-Megan, focus group attendee
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37

Action Items
1) Re-read the Action Items in Chapter 8. If you haven't done those items
yet, stop immediately and do them. This is how you get over approach
anxiety.

2) Wherever you are, focus on standing or sitting up straight. Let this
thought dominate your mind for a week. It will feel a little weird at first, but
you will be surprised how quickly it will become second nature. From now
on, standing up straight is part of your routine. It will become something you
just do, like putting on your underwear and socks.

3) Find the biggest mirror you can find. Make and HOLD eye contact
with yourself for 60 seconds straight. Say silly things like, Hey
sexy, and Yep, I'd fuck me. This is going to be a little weird, but trust me on
this. You have to get comfortable holding eye contact with someone it
might as well be yourself!

4) Next, smirk! Do something, ANYTHING, to get you fired up and
smiling. Go crush that level in Mario Kart or watch some cat videos or
literally ANYTHING to make you smile. Now look in the mirror and convert
that smile to a smirk. If you're unsure what it looks like, take some photos
and send them to me, I'll tell you. But I bet the majority of you guys will
intuitively understand what I'm talking about when I say smirk. Channel your
inner George Clooney. Practice this 15 minutes a day for a week.

5) Before steps 6 & 7, send a text message to a close friend, telling
them that you will be out approaching. If you dont have anyone to text, send
me an email. All that matters is that you HOLD YOURSELF
ACCOUNTABLE. Make people follow up with you. Consider journaling
your interactions on paper, paying attention to your thought processes and
emotions.

6) Go to a bar or nightclub that will have a lot of women. Keep only one
thing in mind you are there to practice getting in close when you speak to
women and NOTHING MORE. Approach 10 different girls or groups of
girls (they can be hot, ugly, or anything in between) with your new eye
contact, nice posture, and sexy smirk. Say, Hi. What's your name? Hold
that eye contact and pay attention to how far/close you are. This is going to
feel really weird and might creep some girls out till you get it right, but you
need get reference experience if you dont have them. You are only there to
practice one thing and one thing only. Plus I bet at least a couple of them will
be receptive. Do this for five nights.
KEN HOINSKY
38

7) Go to a busy daytime venue, perhaps a mall, a park, a busy street corner,
or a train station. Do the same thing as step 6. Try to get just closer than you
used to. Try to feel the sexual tension as you look the girl in the eye. Make
some small talk and maybe even ask her for her phone number. Congrats,
you just had a successful daytime approach!

39

10 QUALIFYING & CALIBRATION

I wonder what she's like.

That phrase is your new mindset. Embrace it. Fall in love with it. It is your
new best friend. That, combined with sexual communication, is the blueprint
for fruitful relationships with women.
Plenty has been said about the importance of having an abundance
mentality as opposed to a scarcity mindset. Women want men who have
options. Employers are more likely to hire employees who have other job
options. The best negotiators make sure they have viable, alternate options.
But how does one develop an abundance mentality towards women when
they've never even kissed one? That, my friends, is the million dollar question.
Plenty of great men have waxed poetically about this paradox, and most have
utterly failed. Until now. The answer lies in these five simple words: I
wonder what she's like.
As you go through the self-improvement process, you will inevitably
reflect upon what you want out of a partner. You will start to grasp what you
really want out of life. As you evolve, so will your desires, values, and needs.
This is a natural part of becoming a man.
With that in mind, going through life seeking out people, places, and
things that fit your desires is only natural. No longer are you thinking, Will
There has to be chemistry.
-Kelly, focus group attendee
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this girl like me? Instead you are thinking, I wonder what she's like.
To put it another way, in each interaction, you are looking to expose
the underlying truth. It seems so simple, but What do you do for a
living? takes on a whole new meaning when you follow it up with Why did
you get into that field? and genuinely care how she answers.

Other Helpful Phrases:
I'm curious about that. Tell me more.
What are you passionate about?
Why this school? Why not somewhere else?
What made you choose this city for your vacation?
Have you ever made love to a woman?

Learn to seek out the truth. What makes her tick? What is she really
passionate about? Is she worthy of your time? Is she girlfriend material or is
she someone you will want to invite out to help you cut the line at nightclubs?
Figure that shit out. This is how you develop an abundance mentality
when you don't have abundance yet. This is how you attract women.
The guys who inquisitively seek out the truth like this are the guys
who cause girls to say I met this guy last night who just... gets me. It
was amazing. Be one of those guys.

Calibration
Calibration ties right in with this. You MUST understand how different
people, places and situations affect how you can behave. Sometimes a girl
just wants to rock out on the dance floor. Other times she wants to spend an
hour talking about family, life, and passions. Other times she wants to discuss
current events. Other times, kinky sex.
There is only one constant: It is YOUR job, as the man, to lead the
interaction in a way that she finds pleasurable and sexy. This is your
mission. Remember, starting the sexual communication dance is your
responsibility. It's a give and take. Though she might, you cant expect
her to initiate it.
I am not going to tell you how calibration works in every situation. That
is something you MUST learn for yourself. Without reference experiences,
you cannot master calibration. That means PRACTICE (apologies to Allen
Iverson.)
The trick here is getting out of your comfort zone. Over time you will
intuitively grasp how to act in different situations and learn what you can and
can't get away with.
But throughout it all, develop a love for finding out who she is and
seeing if she's a fit for you. That's the name of the game. That's what
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qualification is all about. Keep in mind the concepts of sexual communication
and authenticity. If YOU know you are looking for casual sex, dont be afraid
to ask the woman youre speaking to what she thinks about casual sex. Its
OK to talk about risqu topics, especially in a bar or a nightclub. Part of being
unique and getting out of your comfort zone is testing what is really
appropriate and whats not. You might discover that you are a person who
likes to talk about sex on a first date, and that you arent interested in
someone who cant handle that. Likewise, you might find out you prefer to
stick to safer conversation topics.
The point is, without actively going out and learning calibration, youll
never know. All the sexual communication in the world wont help if you
dont know what you want. Keep that in mind.

Action Items
1) Write down a list of women (real, fictional, famous, friends, crushes,
whoever) that you find attractive for some reason. Try to jot down at least
10-20. Leave space between each name.

2) Next to each name, write down specific things you find attractive about
them. Let your stream of consciousness flow.
Examples: her hair, sense of humor, loves to party, can drink as much as I can, plays
guitar, likes Pink Floyd, plays sports, nice breasts, big ass, adorable, Latina, travels, has
hot friends, religious, atheist, bisexual, polyamorous

3) Look at the whole mess of text you just wrote. Just soak it in. Stare it
for a few minutes with some music on in the background. Just soak it in while
you visualize these various women and what they do for you.

4) Repeat the Action Items 5-7 in Chapter 9, but this time make an effort
to seek the truth out in your interactions as laid out above. Journal these
encounters and reflect on them.

5) Go to a high-energy nightclub or bar on a weekend with the sole
intention of getting rejected in the most hilarious fashion possible. (This
mindset is important. Bring friends if possible.) Think of crazy things to ask
women, then do it. Dont cross any lines, but dont shy away either. You
might want to go a couple towns over for this one. Not for the faint of heart!
Example: Ask a group of girls their thoughts on The Human Centipede series.
Push your comfort zone. Laugh at the hilarity of the rejections, you've
earned it.

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6) The next morning, think back on some of your crazy interactions and
I guarantee you will realize it wasnt that bad, after all. Surprise, surprise,
you're becoming a spontaneous, fun guy that women find attractive.

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45

11 FLIRTING, TOUCH & CONVERSATION

Flirting
In his excellent work, Models, Mark Manson defines flirting
as: Expressing your sexuality to a woman in a non-needy manner, eliciting
her to become more attracted to you.
Let me break that definition down. Expressing your sexuality means you
are clear with your intent. You are speaking to her because you find it fun
and you think she is attractive. A direct statement of interest certainly
accomplishes this, You are beautiful. But so does good body language.
Holding strong eye contact while you discuss politics with her is as clear a
statement of interest as there is.
Non-needy manner should be familiar at this point. You are speaking with
her because you wonder what she is like. Does she fit your qualifications in a
girl? Go find out! That's being non-needy. You're not hard up for sex, you're
just figuring out what she is all about. Curious minds want to know. Its all
part of sexual communication.
Flirting done correctly will cause her to become more attracted to you. That's
the name of the game.
There are two basic forms of flirting: breaking rapport and leading. Breaking
rapport is anything that shows you are willing to risk rejection. Leading is
when you, as man, directly dictate the direction of the interaction.
Any time you tease, do something unexpected and spontaneous, say
something surprising, or act dismissive, you are breaking rapport.

Examples of Breaking Rapport:
Teasing (Playful ribbing, made clear youre not being serious via
your smile and laughter. Example: You're really beautiful, Natalie. I
think you're the third hottest Natalie I've ever met. <shit-eating grin>)
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Vocal Inflection (Lowering your inflection as opposed to raising
your inflection at the end of sentences. It's the difference
between Wow, you went to Brown University. and Ugh, you went to
Brown University?)
Spontaneity (Doing something surprising and unexpected. Get
creative!)

Leading is when YOU make a decision about where an interaction will
be heading. She expects you to push the interaction forward. That is your
job. You always risk some level of rejection when you try to change the flow.
That demonstrates a willingness to walk away which is inherently attractive
and non-needy. That is flirting 101.

Examples of Leading:
Touch (You are physically leading the interaction towards physical
intimacy.)
Roleplaying (You are deciding to play a game and allowing her to
play with you.)
Changing venues (You decide where to go next.)
Making decisions (You decide what to order, what to do, etc.)
Treating her like an old friend (You are deciding to treat her like
an old friend even though you just met.)

As a general rule of thumb, not taking yourself too seriously, and
staying self-entertained, will allow you to maximize your attractiveness and
pass any tests she may throw your way. Keep that in mind.

Touch
You MUST get comfortable touching others if you expect to get good
with women. There is no way to fake the act of touching.
Start basic, offer handshakes and high fives to people like they're going
out of style. When you or the person you're talking to says something funny,
touch them on the forearm when you laugh. It's perfectly natural and
establishes that you are comfortable touching.
When with a woman, decide arbitrarily to move the two of you to another
section of the bar, or park, or wherever you are. When you do, put your hand
on the small of her back. Come on, let's move over there. or Let's go check the
other side of the bar out. Come on.
Or let your legs touch each other under the table as the sexual tension
builds. Force yourself to get comfortable doing it there is no way around
it.

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Conversation
Your conversation skills are important but not the be all, end all. There
are master orators, hypnotists, comedians and storytellers who rely almost
exclusively on their words to get laid. But here's their big secret: they turn
most women off rather quickly.
They speak when they should listen. They're entertaining when they
should be seducing. They are building up to a punch line when they should
be building comfort. In other words, they are miscalibrated.
You want to find something you can both speak passionately about and
run with it. Find commonalities. Ask questions. Get her opinion on all sorts
of things.
Do not be afraid to call out a conversation as boring and change the topic.
That's leading and that's flirting 101. Here is an example:

You: How were your classes today?
Girl: Not bad.
You: Cool. Any plans for the summer?
Girl: Not yet... looks away, disinterested
You (recognizing the situation): You know, this conversation is boring. Let's
talk about something more exciting.
Girl: What?
You: Yeah, let's mix it up. Here's a question for you... Why is Japanese
porn so weird?
Girl: LOL what? Uh...
You: Seriously, they do the most depraved things ever and then blur out
the genitals so it's supposed to be OK or something.
Girl: You know a lot about Japanese porn, dude.
You: Yeah, I was a world-class masturbator when I was 13.
Girl: Uh
You: Hah bet you never thought you'd be discussing my middle school
masturbation habits, huh?
Girl: Hah can't say I did.
You: Anyway, walk with me a second, I need to check on something.

I chose this example because I'm a guy who wants women who are
comfortable laughing about topics like Japanese porn. Thats just who I am.
I spent time reflecting on the qualities I like in a woman. Yours should be
quite different, thats a good thing. I also quickly turned a boring conversation
to a hilarious and sexual one with just a few words. This conversation is
boring. Let's talk about something more exciting. = your new best
friend.
That's being spontaneous, unique, and leading in one fell swoop. Try it
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48
out sometime. Develop your own routines and use them egregiously.
Figure out what conversation topics make you smile. Try to be different. Be
polarizing and use your conversation as a way to qualify a woman's
compatibility. Remember, you're trying to find out what she's like. Don't be
afraid to scare incompatible women off. That's a GOOD thing. Thats all
part of sexual communication.

Questions for Sexual Communication
Speaking of sexual communication, conversation is the main tool for
learning the who, what, when, why, and where of your partners sexual desires
and experiences. The following is a series of questions designed to
accomplish a bunch of important things at once: finding out what logistical
hurdles are between you guys hooking up, communicating that you are
interested in her as a sexual partner, demonstrating social awareness and
striking a sexual vibe.
1) Who did you come here with?
2) How did you get here?
3) Whats your roommate situation?
4) Got plans tomorrow?
5) How are you getting home?
6) Where abouts do you live?
Dont barrage her with these all at once. Pepper them into conversation
as naturally as possible. What you are doing is probing her current situation
and interest in possibly hooking up. Experience will help you read between
the lines, but its all pretty common sense. If a woman is thrilled to tell you
that all her roommates are out of town and she has no plans tomorrow
morning, plus shes looking for a ride home Well, its never smart to
assume, but throwing out a How about we go back to your place? later on
in the conversation would probably be wise. Likewise, dont just assume that
because a woman is hesitant to give you such personal details that she is not
potentially attracted to you. In any scenario, exercise caution and keep banter
alive. But all things being equal, those questions are amazingly efficient at
starting off the sexual communication process.
Seguing into a sexual topic is a skill that you can work on. Same with
teasing. For example, Ive said things like this before I bet you live in a
giant mansion. This is an example of a statement designed to elicit a
response. Depending on how she responds it could turn into a conversation
about gentrification to one about how you have a buddy in Cabo with a sex
swing in his guest house. Be creative and learn to love the vibe. Vibing is key
to fun and healthy sexual communication!
Here is an example you can try out Try feigning a bit of bashfulness
and asking a woman if shes ever received an unsolicited dick pic via text, or
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online, or through Snapchat or any of the myriad of social applications.
Seriously, just say something like, Hey, this is gonna sound nuts but I was
in an argument with a friend of mine the other day Do guys really send
pics of their junks to women? Why do they do that? Is the logic that itll
somehow get the women to want to sleep with them? If anything, it will
progress the conversation towards sexual topics and the psychology of sex!
Trust me, even the most inept of men can turn that topic into a deep-dive
into sexual topic.

Comfort Building
Just remember, at some point when you are talking to a girl, you MUST
build a certain level of comfort or she will not feel comfortable sleeping with
you/dating you. Sure, talking about porn is great, but you'll need more than
that to find a girlfriend. Entire books have been written on comfort building
methods, but I'm going to share my secret with you.
In addition to finding common things you like or have experienced
(commonalities), play a quick Getting to know you game and bring up
these three topics:

1) A time when you were really embarrassed
2) A time when you were really scared
3) Your relationship with your parents & your parents' relationship

It has been scientifically proven, in a famous study conducted by Dr.
Arthur Aron, that those three conversation topics lead to high levels of
comfort between individuals. You will each feel like you have shared a very
vulnerable side and you will have more respect for one another because of it.
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50

Building comfort is critical for fruitful sexual communication. Nobody
wants to share their inner-most secrets with someone they feel like they
barely know. Spend extra time getting to know the person before you. Be
sure to demonstrate the social awareness that you know she doesnt want to
be seen as a slut by other women. This is one of THE most eye-opening
insights from all the focus groups. Women shame other women constantly.
It is a reality. Showing you empathize with her situation demonstrates
concern, social awareness, and sexual maturity. All of these are incredibly
attractive traits.

Action Items
(NOTE: Don't worry about rejection. You're just practicing different
things, there is no reason to have any expectations on the outcomes of these
practice interactions. Loosen up and have fun! Also, this is the part of the
guide where different people will require vastly different time to accomplish
all the steps. Some people can do it in a week, some will take a couple years.
The important thing is to NOT GIVE UP. The rest of your life depends on
it!)

1) Go out to a high-traffic venue that you are comfortable in. Approach
10 different girls or groups of people, keeping in mind the proper body
language and approach practice you did in Chapter 9.
Men have to take the lead when it
comes to comfort. It is their
responsibility to create an intimate
environment. Feeling safety,
intimate touch and not groping,
showing respect, whispering sweet
nothings Its all critical to making
me feel safe. Women feel pressure
to not be seen as promiscuous by
our peers. I dont want to feel like a
slut.
-Tiffany, focus group attendee
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2) Try to get them engaged in a conversation. You can stick to something
situational (sports news, current events) or something observational (Wow,
it's impossible to get a drink in here.) The topic doesn't matter because you are
just there to practice touching the girls you are speaking to. Prepare to spend
the first 5-10 minutes doing the bulk of the talking until they open up to you.
This is normal. Offer a high five or handshake. Next, wait for a moment of
laughter or delight and touch them lightly on the forearm.

3) Make a conscious effort to try both breaking rapport and leading forms of
flirting with them. Tease, try to role-play (Let's pretend we just got married. Wait,
are you cheating on me? Shit, are we gonna have to get divorced? Oh man I better call my
lawyer. <shit-eating grin>) Practice lots of different things and figure out a style
that works for you. This may take a while but it's a lot of fun while you're
trying things out.

4) When you find girls who are receptive to your flirting, try to move them
to a place where you can be alone and chat. A line like, Suzy, I want to get to
know you better. Let's sit at the bar. works wonders here. If you can't get her
alone, try to get her phone number and set up a date so you can talk then.

5) Make an active effort to bring up the three comfort building topics.
Get experience doing these with at least 5 different women.

52

12 DATING LOGISTICS

As you gain reference experiences, logistics become the most important
aspect of all. Boys worry about game. Men worry about
logistics. Without a logistical understanding of how you will progress from
approach to the bedroom, you are flying blind. Understanding logistics is
often the difference between landing the woman of your dreams and going
home alone. Let's dig in.
Logistics refers to all the external factors that you can control. How do
you ask for the number, what kinds of texts do you send, where do you take
her for your first date, how you get her from point A to point B, what do you
have in your room. It means having a plan and trusting in it. It also means
reflecting on your experience and developing a style that you can comfortably
enjoy.
You are not allowed to talk to girls until you go through the next two
steps. Trust me on this.

#1: Where can the two of you be alone? What do you have there?
Whether you are looking for a one night stand or your next girlfriend,
eventually you are going to have to be alone to get intimate. Everyone's
situation is unique, but the bottom line is you must figure out WHERE you
can do this in advance of the date. Obviously if you have your own place in
the heart of a big city, you're in good shape, but even if you live with your
parents, fear not... Where there's a horny guy, there's a way.
Get creative and really think about all the different locations you can get
alone after hours. Is there an isolated beach nearby? Great, go put a couple
beach towels in the trunk of your car. Do the seats of your car lay down?
Great. Have keys to your office after-hours? Fan-fucking-tastic! And of
course you can always try to go to her place (but then you give up a
tremendous amount of logistical control, so tread carefully.)
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NOTE: I'm using these as examples of creativity if you don't have a
good place to take a girl. However, if you want to get good at this and
start really dating women, you're going to need to get your logistics in
order. If you're not working to get into a more logistically-friendly
situation, you're making your life much harder than it has to be.

As for the types of things you need in your place. Honestly, as long as
you have a couch or bed, condoms, and music, TV, or a computer, you're in
good shape. Everything you add beyond that can be helpful, but no need to
go crazy. Adding a bottle of wine and some spirits will be the icing on the
cake.
Don't overthink this stuff. Yes, massage oil, hookahs, drugs, sex swings,
lube, that mural you painted in art school, and your photo collection from
your trip to Peru are awesome, but they're not really helping you get
laid. Keep your place clean and live in a place you are PROUD to be in.
That's what is most important at the end of the day.

#2: Know your city and know your neighborhood
You need to become an expert in your city, its various attractions, bars,
restaurants, date spots, etc. Remember back when you came up with a list of
great date ideas? Yeah, go revisit that list and try harder. Discover all that's
great around you. Talk up strangers and ask them for cool things to do. Be a
tourist in your own city for a weekend. Love where you live.
A guy who can serve as the gatekeeper to all the wondrous sights and
experiences in your city is incredibly attractive. Don't take that lightly. Most
people go through life going to the same shitty restaurants and bars every
week. But you aren't most people. You are unique and better than them.
Women will gravitate to you.
Now that you are starting to really know your city, you need to REALLY
know your neighborhood. The more cool little spots you know within
immediate distance of your home means the more logistical options you have
to move women back towards your home.
Visit every single bar and cafe in your neighborhood. Visit every park
and shopping center and see what they have to offer. Go on a walking tour
next weekend. Know your neighborhood like the back of your hand.
I'll demonstrate why further down below, but more often than not, the best
date location will be a random shitty dive bar down the block from your
place. A lot of guys take girls to fancy dinners across town, but I would bet
every dollar I have that they would have more success taking them to the
closest shitty bar.
OK, are you comfortable with your logistics so far? Good, now you're
ready to talk to girls again.
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#3: Getting her number
By this point in the guide, you should have some experience opening
and conversing with women. If not, go back to the beginning and follow the
Action Items. You're doing it wrong.
I'm going to make this section really easy for you. Getting her number
is as simple as saying, We should hang out sometime. Let's exchange
numbers.
No gimmicks, no routines, no pickup lines. If you've gone in with good
body language, touch, and conversation, you won't need anything fancy. That
being said, it ALWAYS makes sense to attempt to do two things:

Plant the seeds for your date ahead of time. Find out what she likes.
Bring up that awesome bar/art gallery/cafe/whatever that she
would like that you've researched ahead of time. Adding, Hey we
should go to [INSERT VENUE] together to your attempt to get
her number will almost always increase your chances.
Throughout the course of flirting and building rapport, try to
manufacture an inside joke, reference, or playful nickname. You can
reference this in your text messages later on. David Wygant refers to
this as bringing her back to the moment and it's a tried and true
method.

Real-world Examples:
A girl wouldn't give me her name upfront. I said, Fine, if you won't
tell me your name I'm just going to call you Larry. This caused her to feign
offense (a common thing girls do when they are attracted to your
polarizing attempts) which led to a passionate exchange. I could then
text, Yo Larry, what are you doing this weekend? which brought her
back to the moment when she felt strong attraction to me.
I asked a girl to watch my jacket, telling her it was a matter of national
security, pretending I was in the CIA. I continued this inside joke
between us throughout the night. When I began texting her, I could
say Tonight's my last night before the agency reassigns me. Wanna make waffles
and have a pillow fight?
As you develop your personality and spontaneity, come up with your
own teases, jokes, and nicknames. It's fun and gives every interaction its own
unique essence. Oh, and put a little note referencing this next to her name in
your address book.
One final tip... When you get her number, I find it powerful to throw in
a Now you're not one of those girls who flakes all the time, right? It implies a set
boundary that you won't tolerate girls who flake on you. Firm values and
boundaries are hot.
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#4 Texting the girl & setting up dates
After getting the number, it's usually a good idea to send a Did you get
home safe? text later that night. It solidifies the connection and your concern
for her will make her more comfortable. If you met her during the day, or
through a social function, calibrate your text accordingly.
As far as general texting goes... There are plenty of guys who text
humorous notes, sexy one-liners, and get girls to open up, building attraction
through dozens of text exchanges. This can be very effective, so if it works
for you, that's awesome.
My stance, however, is that great men don't waste time texting inane
messages all day long. The best text game is building extreme attraction
before you ever get her number. That way, you can stick to texting only
for scheduling real-life meetups where you can advance the interaction. Do
you really feel that 140 characters on a small LCD screen properly represents
who you are? I certainly don't.
Here are my favorite texts to use. Feel free to use them often. They work.
How's your day going? (Give her a chance to respond. Her lady
parts will tingle when she gets a message from that cool guy she
met. You sexy devil you!)
What's your schedule like this week? (Let her tell you when
she's free. She's not dumb, she knows you're going to follow up with
a plan to meet. She is basically telling you when to schedule it.)
Sweet. Come to [INSERT VENUE] with me. I'll be there
Thursday at 8. (Hot girls HATE when men require lots of back
and forth to schedule plans. This was made abundantly clear in the
focus groups. Be upfront with her. She will appreciate it.)
As always, plan to calibrate to her responses and be flexible within
reason. Do your job during the initial interaction and text game becomes the
simplest thing in the world. No more rules.

Dates
Plan your dates in advance with a mental map for how you're going to
get her from point A to point B. Yes, that art gallery all the way across town
sounds awesome (and by all means, if YOU want to go, GO!) but it's not
going to be ideal for getting her back to your place.
I always start out by suggesting a shitty bar near my place. Why near my
place? Because it will make moving her there 10 times easier than if we have
to drive across town. Why a shitty bar? Because then I can use my favorite
line in all of seduction, This bar kinda sucks. I have some wine at my place, let's go
drink there.

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Some tips for what to during the date:
Hug her at the start, and give her a kiss if you have made out before.
Don't even discuss who pays the bill. If you have the money, pay for
the date. If you need her to chip in, start going on cheaper dates.
If you follow my advice and do your first date at a bar, you can say,
I'll get the first round and pay cash. This solves a lot of the cash
flow issues.
Try to sit in a corner booth or at the bar so your legs can touch. This
will let you maintain physical intimacy.
Sometimes, if you sense she is not yet comfortable enough, planning
multiple venue changes throughout the night will work in your favor.
(Bar A > Bar B > Walk on the beach > Your apartment)
Every thirty minutes or so, try to point out what you like about your
date. Let her know why you desire her!
If you're not drinking age yet, or don't set foot in bars, a cafe or a
walk on the beach can be just as good.

If youve been putting effort into sexual communication with your dates,
then she should be well aware that you likely want to sleep with her. Do that
and you can just say, Lets get out of here, or Do you want to come back
to my place? If she is hesitant, read the situation. If you think that reassuring
her that you wont do anything shes not comfortable with, and actually
meaning it (dont be creeps, guys), go for it. If not, end the date early and
pick up next time. Making sure she is comfortable and safe is your priority
#1. Trust me, the sex will be better off this way anyway. Patience is a virtue!

If a man can show he listens and
brings up details from our first
meeting on our first date, that
shows effort and builds a
connection. My husband did that
on our first date and I loved it!
-Jenna, focus group attendee
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Action Items
1) Follow parts 1 & 2 above to the letter. Do not pass go. Do not collect
$200 until you do this. This is one of the most important things you'll ever
do for your love life.

2) Write out 30, 60, and 90 day plans for how you are going to improve your
logistical situation. Repeat until you are happy with your situation (aka no
longer living with your mom.)

2) Go out with the goal of getting phone numbers. Follow the advice above
and try for 10 numbers. Then 20. Then 30. You need to gain experience with
a variety of women. There is no way to gain this other than brute force.

3) Text the numbers you receive and try to set up first dates. Try to schedule
5-10.

4) During these dates, try to work on changing locations. First to another
neutral venue, then to your home.
58

13 GETTING INTIMATE

OK, you've made it this far. You are with a beautiful woman whose
company you truly enjoy. You desire her. She longs to be desired. It's time to
harness all that passion.

Getting Intimate
This scenario happens all the time. A man is on a date with a woman. The
man fails to touch the girl and only goes in for the kiss at the end of the night.
He goes home alone. His internal dialogue says, WTF why won't girls hook up
with me? I guess I'm in the friend-zone again.
Meanwhile, the woman goes home, confused, wondering if the guy likes
her. Her internal dialogue says, I thought that was a date. I guess he just wants to
be friends?
The major flaw in this scenario is that both parties neglected sexual
communication. If youre creating chemistry by showing your desire through
body language and soft touch, asking the right questions about her logistical
situation and sexual desires, and building a feeling of safety and comfort
together, that scenario will very rarely happen.
Smarter people than me have written tomes on sex, so Im not going to
outline it for you here. There is, however, one move that came up time and
time again from the focus groups that is absolutely brilliant. Whoever said,
If you want to learn how to fish, talk to the fisherman, not the fish didnt
spend enough time interviewing women about their sex lives!
I will let Janice (names changed to protect the innocent) tell it to you
in her own words:
We were by my car talking. He gazed into my eyes, created a moment of intimacy,
softly placed his hand on my cheek, and kissed me. It was perfect.
This eyes locked, hand on cheek before the kiss phenomenon seems
pretty universal. Take your time to make sure the moment feels right.
ABOVE THE GAME
59
Another nugget of wisdom on kissing Instead of letting the kiss
build up to be a huge important moment at the end of the date, try to find a
moment to kiss in the middle of the date. Perhaps when entering your car, or
inside of an elevator A soft gaze, gentle graze on the cheek, and moving in
to let her bring her lips to yours, will completely change the trajectory of the
date. Its like amplifying passion by ten.

Ive only ever been kissed at the
end of the date. It always feels high
pressure and awkward. I wish more
men would make their move earlier
in the night.
-Megan, focus group attendee
He made me feel comfortable
through his touch and words, so
when he went for the kiss it felt
natural, respectful, and not
unexpected. He created a sense of
intimacy and passion. I didnt feel
slutty when we hooked up.
-Tia, focus group attendee

60

14 YOUR JOURNEY TOGETHER

Compatibility
Really pay attention to the following words. The majority of failed
relationships could have been avoided if they took this advice. Work this all
in with your sexual communication. Both parties should always be screening
the other party until you are firmly comfortable in your long-term
relationship together. A few questions today could save you from a messy
divorce later on.
At some point, when you feel her falling for you, you need to start finding
out if you're actually compatible. Take some time to ask yourself:
Do you want kids? How many?
Where do you want to live? A house in the suburbs? Out in the
country? An apartment in midtown Manhattan?
Is religion important to you? Do you want your children growing up
with a certain religion? Are you dead-set on an atheist upbringing or
would you be open to adapting to your partner's faith?
How do you envision family life working? Is being close with your
parents and relatives important to you?
Do you prefer to live for the now and save later? Or save for
retirement now?
Are you looking for an open relationship where you can date other
women? How do you envision that working?
Do you want to travel the world? Do you enjoy traveling?
Think about these questions INDEPENDENTLY of the girls you are
seeing. It might be wise to think about these when you are completely single
and unattached. Hell, write out your answers to these! You'll want to revisit
these from time to time. Don't ignore this step. Your entire life's
happiness depends on this!
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61
Once you have a good idea of what YOU want out of life, start asking
HER the same questions. Don't give her a full CIA interrogation, but do
pepper these into conversation as you go from casual to serious. Most of the
time, you'll start to notice red flags. That's OK, tell her you want to keep it
casual, and if she's open to it, keep enjoying her company on a more casual
basis. You are a man of values and you must STICK to those values or they
are meaningless.
Compromise is important, but if the idea of your kids growing up
Mormon terrifies you, you'd better find out what SHE expects before it's too
late!

Commitment
So you've met a great girl, you've made your intentions and boundaries
known, you've gotten to know one another, and you've clicked in the
bedroom. You think she might be girlfriend or wife material.
Congratulations, that's amazing! Now what?
A lot of romantic-comedies would have you think you need to stand
out in the rain with a bouquet of flowers and ask her to be your
girlfriend. Don't do that.
Do you find yourselves just assuming that you are hanging out together on
Saturday night? Is that becoming a regular thing? Are you guys becoming
increasingly comfortable around one another? Are you getting lazier about
tidying up your bathroom before you go see her?
If the answers to all those questions is Yes, then congratulations, you've
got a girlfriend! When the time is right, ask her You're committed to this
relationship, right? No matter her answer, you'll have a very clear
understanding where you two stand.

WARNING: Just as a word of advice, really ask yourself if you do love
this girl or if you just love the idea of the girl. For example: Are you forgiving
the fact that she's a shitty person because she's really into that random indie
band you've seen live 25 times? Spend some time meditating and being
introspective about how you really feel before you let things spiral out of
control.

Keeping Her in Love with You
This is where the fun really begins. You two can grow together, share
experiences together, and start building a life together.
It is absolutely critical to NEVER forget why she fell for you in the first
place. Go back and re-read Chapter 6. You were able to land this amazing
woman because you've embodied all those mindsets! Don't fall into the
KEN HOINSKY
62
classic trap of forgetting all you've learned just because you have easy access
to sex!
She fell in love with you because:
You are a leader. Early on, especially, you made a lot of effort to initiate
the relationship. Initiative when it comes to dating was one of
THE biggest gripes women voiced to me during the focus
groups. Women lose respect for men who can't lead. Its always
a give and take, but you have to be prepared to take the lead more
often than not.
You have firm values. When she does something shitty, you call her out
on it. This could be as trivial as showing up 10 minutes late or as big
as cheating on you. Whatever it is, you MUST stand up for yourself.
Don't be a doormat!
You make her feel valued and appreciated. When she does something
adorable that makes you feel warm inside, tell her! Smile genuinely
and profess your love from time to time. Affection is sexy as hell
when it's not coupled with neediness.
You make her feel desired and beautiful. Never stop seducing your
woman. Grab her and rip her clothes off spontaneously.
Compliments on her physical beauty are MUCH sexier when they
aren't just words. Show her she's beautiful with your actions!
You are fun and spontaneous. Remember all those great date ideas you
have? Bust 'em out! Send her mysterious invitations and take her on
magic carpet rides. Your life is awesome and you're letting her
ride shotgun in it. Don't take that offer lightly.
You are on a journey towards greatness. You were in the middle of your
self-development journey when you met her. Whether or not you
realized it, that fact alone is extremely attractive. It's the same reason
women are suckers for starving artists. They value STRIVING FOR
GREATNESS as much as greatness itself. Don't ever stop
improving! Keep setting higher and higher goals. Don't give up.
Don't settle.

Emotions
Don't be an emotionless shell, but don't pour your entire heart and soul
out either. Once she feels like she completely understands you, the mystery
and allure begins to fade. Take your time; you're in it for the long haul.

Jealousy
Jealousy stems from a fear of loss: A loss of power. A loss of
companionship. A loss of control.
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63
Jealousy is borne from a scarcity mindset. One of the key reasons it is so
critical to keep working on yourself to stay on your journey towards
greatness is so you never feel like you've lost your ability to seduce women.
Really honestly KNOWING that you have the ability to secure another mate
just as good as your current one will help keep you from ever feeling jealous.
That being said, never showing jealousy can diminish how DESIRED she
feels. This is a bad thing. This problem can be easily solved, however...
I've heard this from so many women: There is nothing hotter than knowing
he's the one who's taking me home at the end of the night.
You're a secure, confident man, right? So let your girl get dolled up and
hit the town! Let her get hit on by other men! Let her validate her desire
to feel sexy. That's an important emotion don't be a controlling prick
by depriving her of it. Introduce her to people in the bar and don't even
mention that she's your girlfriend. Watch as a bunch of guys try to hit on her
right in front of you while you smile and watch! That's how you show
confidence, men.
Then laugh about it in the car-ride home before you fuck her silly. The
rush of emotions she'll experience will drive her mad!

Fun
Above all else, be fun. A relationship should be absolutely delightful.
Couples who have a shared sense of humor tend to last the longest. Looks
fade, status fades, but fun never goes away.
Say stuff to rile her up. Then say things like, Aww, I could never stay mad at
you. Be silly. Be childish.

Action Items
1) Think long and hard about the questions in the section on
Compatibility. Write down your answers on the next page.

2) Go back and re-read Chapter 6.

3) Go fall in love! Take chances! 'Tis better to have loved and lost than
never to have loved at all.

KEN HOINSKY
64


65

15 BE A VALUE GIVER

Value Giving
Those who know me know that I'm always harping on about being a value
giver. But what does that mean?
It means going out of your way to make others' lives better, without
expecting anything in return.
It means helping those out who are less fortunate than you.
It means being a positive person and cutting negativity out of your
life.
It means being a good wingman.
It means taking others under your wing once you get good at this
stuff.
If you are able to combine all the skills presented in this guide, combined
with the concept of truly being a value giver, you will have reached absolute
mastery. Here's why... We live in a world full of value takers. Value takers are
drawn to value givers, for obvious reasons. But value givers are also drawn
to value givers. Value givers are attractive to everyone. Period.

The BIGGEST mistake I see men do is having a value taking mindset.
Example 1: Think about the stereotypical nice guy at the bar who buys
women drinks seconds after meeting them. Is he a value giver or a value
taker? In his mind, he's a value giver because he is giving them free drinks,
right?
WRONG. He is trying to suck as much value out of that interaction as
possible. He's giving a drink with the expectation of something in return.
Women absolutely hate that. It sucks the life right out of the interaction. He's
a value taker!
KEN HOINSKY
66
Example 2: Think about the guy who is always bitching and complaining
about how his friends never introduce him to their cute girlfriends. But when
was the last time he introduced them to a girl? Never! So why does he expect
it in return? He's a value taker!
Example 3: Think about the guy who is constantly negative. Who wants
to be around that? It sucks the fun out of any interaction you're in with him.
He's a value taker!

Ask yourself: Am I enriching this person's life?
When you're talking to anyone, really think about whether or not you are
giving a net positive or net negative contribution to their life. Don't worry
about what you stand to get in return. If you go through life contributing
more value than you take, the world will start to reward you for it. People are
drawn to value givers and their attitudes are contagious.
This might seem paradoxical, but it will all become clear in time. When
you're with a woman, really think about if you're doing something to enrich
their life, or if you're just doing it to get laid. This is a fundamental
concept, possibly the most important one in this entire book.
True value giving is a trait of abundance. Your life is full of abundance,
so keeping an abundance mentality becomes trivial. Why wouldn't you give
value to others? You've got an infinite amount! Not sharing is just cruel!
This abundance mindset is what allows you to give without presumption,
without expectation of getting something in return. You enrich the lives of
those around you and the world repays you for it.
Think about the difference in mindset... You're taking a girl you met on
an amazing date, not because you hope to sleep with her (even though you
do), but because you're amazing to be around and you only get to spend your
valuable time with a select group of people. You're enriching her life by
being in it, staying positive, and taking her on adventures together.

Wingmanship
Part of giving value is being a great (not good, GREAT!) wingman to
everyone. Constantly look for opportunities to help other guys out. See that
shmuck at the end of the bar looking scared as shit? That was you three
months ago. Go buy the poor sap a beer and introduce him to a girl. Hell be
so grateful hell probably buy you drinks for the rest of your life.

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67
Basic wingman rules are as follows:

1) Be awesome
2) Dont cockblock
3) When in doubt, let the other guy get the girl. Only make a move
if you really, REALLY feel a strong attraction/compatibility with
the woman youre both interested in. Tread lightly.
4) Have fun.

Being a good wingman just means paying it forward and helping out your
brothers in arms. It doesnt have to be complicated. Everyone should win in
the end.
Just remember, value giving is the most powerful and dominant trait of
attractive men. More so than assertiveness and more so than looks. People
are drawn to value givers. Be a value giver.

Action Items
1) Go someplace quiet and spend an hour thinking through all your
interactions with family, friends, coworkers, women. What are you
contributing to their lives? Write it down and stare at those words. Is that
enough? Are you happy with that?

2) Ask some of your closest friends and family members if they would
describe you as a negative or positive person. Ask them to be brutally honest.
Take their words to heart.

3) Pay close attention to your thoughts. Try and stop yourself every time
you think something negative. This can mean frustration, paranoia, hate,
jealousy, or any negative emotion. Immediately think STOP! and refocus
your mind on something positive. Look around you, there is always
something positive to reflect on. Don't let negative thoughts dominate your
mind. Actively do this every day for a week.

4) After a week, reflect on step 3. Were you able to do it? If yes, try to
keep that mindset. If no, do it again but try harder next time. Keep it up until
you're happy with your ability to control negative emotions. If you try all you
can and negative thoughts continue to bubble to the surface, please see a
therapist.

5) Re-read Chapter 6. Have you embodied those traits yet?

KEN HOINSKY
68


69
16 BUILDING & MANAGING CONNECTIONS

This is a very basic point but one that is worth pointing out As you
are putting yourself out there, experimenting socially, you will encounter
hundreds if not thousands of people. Without a plan for managing and
cultivating those relationships, you will be throwing away tremendous
resources.
Step #1, get over whatever hang-ups you have about the NSA or
advertising and get a Facebook account. You dont even have to put all your
real information it. The reason why is because you will be meeting hundreds
of people and there is no platform better for managing that many
connections than Facebook.
Step #2 is simple. When you meet someone cool or unique, add them
on Facebook. It could be a fun party guy at the bar, or an aspiring DJ, or that
hot girl with the annoying boyfriend, or the frumpy girl with the cute dog
Just because you dont feel an immediate attraction towards a person doesnt
mean they cannot have a role in your life.
There will come a time when you want to organize parties or events or
just have fun excuses to hang around beautiful women. What fun is a summer
BBQ if you cant get more than three people to show up?
If not for nothing, having a list of a few hundred people to invite (via
personal message Facebooks invite feature is completely ignored) will
certainly serve you well. Also you never know what you might learn about
these folks from their online activity. Some of the greatest nights of my life
began with a random Facebook post from someone I met a single evening
two or three years prior. What if they show up in your town and ask for a bar
recommendation? What better excuse do you need to hit the town, wingman
style?
Remember, when in doubt, say, Can I add you on Facebook?

70
17 MOMENTUM

Guys, as you go out, you will sometimes feel burned out. There will be
highs and lows. There will be times you just want give up and play
videogames instead. I get it. Ive been there. Allow yourself to take breaks
from time to time.
But the real trick is to work these new experiences and rush of emotions
into your normal life. Going out and being social shouldnt feel like a big deal
because its not a big deal. You will live life on your own terms and get
everything your heart desires. I know it.
Be responsible. Be safe. Be sexy. Be awesome. The world is your oyster,
go fucking shuck it.
71

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