THE DAY THE PESTO DIED

Written by:
Joe Fleming
(703) 627-9198
illogicalcapt@gmail.com
Herndon, VA 20170
300 Marjorie Lane
Joe Fleming
INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Fade in from opening credits. Bob and Linda have gathered in
their kitchen on a dark, rainy Saturday afternoon.
BOB
Well, there goes our Saturday
afternoon, picnic. I was really
looking forward to grilling meat
outside...
LINDA
But what about all the potato salad
you asked me to make? I stayed up
for three days making all of it!
Cut to multiple, large containers of potato salad sitting on
the kitchen counter, flies are buzzing around and it's stench
is apparent.
BOB
Lin, nobody asked you to make
potato salad...
LINDA
Sure you did! You love my potato
salad, remember? Just last night
you we're begging me to make it?
BOB
You just said you stayed up for
three days making-
Linda forces herself directly in front of Bob's face.
LINDA
(angrily, to Bob) You were begging
me...To. Make. It.
BOB
(laughs uncomfortably) Okay, well I
guess we can serve it in the
restaurant. (calls) Gene! Come help
me with your mother's potato salad.
After a minor beat, Gene walks into the kitchen and over to
the potato salad. Once there he takes a whiff of it.
GENE
Smells like my socks.
BOB
Okay, maybe not in the restaurant.
CUT TO:
2.
EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND BOB'S BURGERS - MOMENTS LATER
Bob and Gene are dragging two large trash bags full of
Linda's potato salad down their back alleyway, some is
leaking and dripping to the ground. The rain has stopped, but
it is still cloudy and wet as the two walk and talk.
GENE
I still don't get it, what do the
Pesto's want with Mom's disgusting
potato salad?
LINDA (O.S.)
(from above, in a window) Hey!
BOB
We weren't talking about your
potato salad, we were talking about
someone else's.
LINDA (O.S.)
Oh. (happy) Okay!
BOB
(back to Gene) He doesn't want the
potato salad, Gene. We're going to
give it to him, and if he doesn't
like it, well that's just too
bad...
Cut to a montage in Bob's imagination, very cheerful music
plays as Jimmy Pesto is imagined in multiple scenarios.
First, Jimmy is standing in his office, visibly catching the
whiff of a bad smell, he looks behind his desk and the bag of
potato salad is waiting for him,frustrating him. Next, he is
in his kitchen and opens the refrigerator when he whiffs a
bad smell again and sees the potato salad in the
refrigerator. Then, Jimmy, who looks more and more annoyed,
goes to the bathroom and opens one of the stalls to be once
more find potato salad on the toilet. Finally, Jimmy goes to
bed at night, after checking his entire room for potato
salad, he finally relaxes and lifts the covers of his beto
see the bag of potato salad waiting for him. Jimmy freaks out
and runs out of the room. Cut to Bob, outside of Pesto's,
wringing his hands and laughing.
Once the montage is over, cut back to Bob who is grinning and
chuckling stupidly.
GENE
Earth to Dad! I'm standing here
with a bag of potato salad and
absolutely no idea what to do with
it!
Bob snaps out of it and comes to.
3.
BOB
What? Oh yeah, right. Let's go
Gene, I'm about to give you a
lesson straight from the Belcher
Family Guide to Kicking Ass.
GENE
(gasps in excitement) That's a
thing!?
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND PESTO'S PIZZERIA - CONTINUOUS
Bob and Gene, still carrying the two large garbage bags,
approach the backdoor and dumpster area of Pesto's Pizzeria.
BOB
Okay, Gene, this is it. I'm going
to push you up into this vent.
You're going to sneak through the
air ducts until you're above
Jimmy's office. Leave the bags up
there, and come on back. Then we
sit back and let the stink do the
rest.
GENE
Crawl spaces, bad smells and
revenge? This has the makings of
the best father/son day ever!
Suddenly, the knob on the backdoor starts to jiggle.
BOB
Quick! Get down! Someone's coming!
Bob dives behind a dumpster with the bags of potato salad,
leaving Gene standing all alone as the door to the restaurant
opens. Jimmy Pesto looks around outside and then down at
Gene.
JIMMY
Oh, it's just one of Belcher's
weird kids...
Jimmy looks around suspiciously.
JIMMY (CONT'D)
What are you doing out here?
GENE
(thinks) Just admiring your fine
pizzeria, sir.
4.
JIMMY
From the back?
GENE
Hey! The back is where the magic
happens, baby! Just ask my butt.
JIMMY
(shirks in disgust) Jeez kid,
relax. (looks around once more) And
it's just you? Thought I heard a
man's voice. Kind of sounded like
your loser dad.
GENE
Okay! So I enjoy empty alleys and I
am going though puberty. What is
your qualm here, sir?!
JIMMY
(thinks suspiciously for a moment)
You're a real weird kid, you know
that?
Jimmy goes back inside and slams the door, we audibly hear a
lock clicking into place. Bob comes out of hiding.
GENE
(shouts, to Jimmy) Thank you!
BOB
Good work, Gene, way to think on
your feet! Maybe you've already
gotten some of that training from
the Belcher Guide, huh? Huh?
GENE
Yeah, it was funny the first time
Dad, but now you're just forcing it
on me.
BOB
(disappointed) Eh.
CUT TO:
INT. PESTO'S PIZZERIA AIR DUCTS - MOMENTS LATER
Gene is quietly and methodically moving through the small,
metal air ducts of Pesto's Pizzeria. Trailing him are both
large bags of potato salad, being pulled by a long rope, tied
to Gene.
GENE
(to himself) Come on, Gene! Do it
for Dad! Do it for the family
(MORE)
GENE (CONT'D)
5.
honor! Do it for Earl Potato!
Creator of the potato salad.
Gene keeps moving through the air ducts until he spies a
burst of light coming from a vent ahead of him.
GENE (CONT'D)
Eureka! (sniffs) Ooph, and so does
all of this potato salad-
Suddenly, Gene hears a voice from below.
JIMMY (O.S.)
You're going to knock 'em dead, ay
Jimmy boy?
Gene's interest peaks and he goes to examine the voice coming
from the vent. We see down into the office of Jimmy Pesto,
who is getting ready and talking to himself in the mirror.
JIMMY (CONT'D)
No pressure, baby, you got this in
the bag. I can feel it! I can hear
it! I can- (sniffs) Yuck, I can
smell it...
Jimmy buttons his last button and walks away toward the door.
JIMMY (CONT'D)
(sniffs again) Going to have to get
that checked out...
Jimmy exits, leaving the room completely empty. Gene kicks
the vent open.
GENE
Enter, stage up, the Potato Salad
Prankster.
Gene straddles the vent enough for one foot to dangle out. He
lowers one bag down through the vent and holds on to it with
the rope. The bag is very heavy.
GENE (CONT'D)
The only thing worse than having a
bag of potato salad above you, is
to have it sitting right next to
you! The irony! Dad would be so
proud... Dad and Tennessee
Williams.
Gene begins to lower the bag down into the office, stretching
his arm to keep lowering it.
GENE (CONT'D)
And now to gently lower it the rest
of the way.
6.
On this line, Gene drops the rope entirely, causing the bag
to sail down to the floor, exploding on impact. Potato salad
flies everywhere, covering the office.
GENE (CONT'D)
Whoops.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND PESTO'S PIZZERIA - CONTINUOUS
Bob is still standing guard outside of Pesto's backdoor, near
the open vent. He looks at his watch and is visibly worried.
BOB
What is taking so long?
Bob goes over to the vent and peers in, lighting up his phone
and trying to use it as a flashlight to see.
BOB (CONT'D)
(whispered) Gene? Are you in there?
Hurry up, buddy! Someone will be
here soon! Gene?
CUT TO:
INT. PESTO'S PIZZERIA AIR DUCTS - CONTINUOUS
Gene is back in the air ducts and goes to close the vent
behind him when he accidentally kicks the second bag, still
with him, back into the vent hole. The bag falls into Pesto's
office and explodes. The office now has a small pool of
potato salad on the floor and the desk, lamp, couch and other
furniture are all completely covered.
GENE
Ok, I'll admit, that one could have
been avoided.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND PESTO'S PIZZERIA - CONTINUOUS
Bob is still looking into the vent calling out in whispers.
BOB
(whispered) Gene! Gene!
Suddenly Gene appears in the vent and Bob is taken aback.
GENE
Yeah, yeah. I'm here, I'm here.
7.
Bob helps Gene down from the vent and sets him on the ground.
BOB
So? How did it go? I'll bet Pesto
doesn't think to look for the smell
in his air ducts for at least a
week!
GENE
It's all fine. Now, let's just get
out of here and never talk about
this ever happening again, ever.
Bob and Gene begin to walk out of the alleyway, toward the
main street.
BOB
Why, what happened?
GENE
Oh, nothing, just a little mix up
is all...
BOB
What the-
As Bob and Gene emerge from the alleyway, they see Hugo's
car, with the health inspector's seal, parked outside of
Pesto's Pizzeria.
BOB (CONT'D)
What is Hugo doing here?
RON
Oh, hey Bob.
Ron is sitting in the passengers seat of the health inspector
car, he has the window rolled down to talk to Bob.
BOB
Oh. Hey Ron, how's it going?
RON
Oh, not bad. Just doing some
monthly inspections. What's going
on with you?
BOB
Shouldn't you be inside if you're
doing an inspection?
RON
Oh, yeah, Hugo thinks it's best if
I just stay in the car for most
inspections. It's probably better
this way. And, he always remembers
to leave the window open for me
(MORE)
RON (CONT'D)
8.
now, too.
BOB
Oh...Okay. Well that's weird. And
depressing. We're going to go now.
Gene is pulling on Bob's shirt, trying to get his attention,
he looks very worried.
GENE
(quietly) Dad. I need to talk to
you. Now.
BOB
What is it, Gene? We're almost
home.
Suddenly, Hugo bursts out from the front doors of Pesto's
Pizzeria in a state of extreme agitation, Jimmy follows
behind him looking nervous and confused.
HUGO
Good god, Jimmy! Never in my
fifteen years as a health inspector
have I ever seen something that
disgusting!
JIMMY
Hugo! Eh, Mr. Habercore! I swear! I
just cleaned that place from head
to toe! This is some kind of trick
or a prank or something! Please,
you have to believe me!
BOB
(to Gene) Gene...
Cut to Gene, who is avoiding eye contact with his dad.
HUGO
Ron! Stop slacking off and get out
of the car! Get me one of my signs.
Now, Ron!
Ron slowly gets out of the car and pops the truck. He gets a
large sign from the car and brings it over to Hugo. Hugo
grabs it from Ron's hands forcefully.
HUGO (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, Jimmy, but as an agent
of health and safety, I have no
choice but to close down Pesto's
Pizzeria.
Hugo slaps the sign across the front window of Pesto's
Pizzeria, it reads: "CLOSED: BY ORDER OF THE OCEANSIDE BOARD
OF HEALTH"
9.
HUGO (CONT'D)
(to Ron) Ugh, still can't get that
smell out of my nose. Disgusting
potato salad...
LINDA (O.S.)
(from across the street) Hey!
CUT TO:
COMMERCIAL
BREAK
INT. BOB'S BURGERS - MOMENTS LATER
The family and Teddy are sitting in Bob's Burgers, discussing
the Pesto situation. The kids and Teddy are sitting in
various places, while Bob and Linda are behind the counter.
LINDA
I know you and Jimmy have had your
differences in the past, but
getting his place shut down? You're
being a real bitch, Bob.
BOB
It wasn't me, Lin! Gene was just
supposed to make it smell bad in
Pesto's, not cover the entire place
with rancid potato salad!
LOUISE
Oh man, I bet it was like the
elevator scene in the Shining. Only
white and a lot smellier.
TINA
And chunkier.
LINDA
And all that delicious potato salad
gone to waste, I thought you said
you were going to serve it in here!
BOB
No one would eat that.
GENE & TEDDY
(in unison) I would.
BOB
See?
LINDA
Oh pooh on you! At least I didn't
bankrupt a family.
10.
BOB
I didn't- Bankrupt? I mean they'll
open back up eventually, right?
Cut to Louise looking out the window.
LOUISE
Oh, I don't know, Dad... I think I
can see the shanty town the Pesto's
have set up in their back alley. Is
that? Yup, that's a campfire, they
are cooking food over an open
flame, people.
Bob gets visibly upset and worried.
BOB
What? They are not.
LOUISE
No, but if they were I think this
would really be sinking in a lot
harder for you, Dad.
Cut to Bob's unamused face.
CUT TO:
INT. BOB'S BURGERS KITCHEN - LATER
Bob is alone in the kitchen, cooking burgers on the grill.
BOB
(thinking) Shanty town...Yeah
right. Louise is crazy, they'll be
fine. I'm sure Jimmy has some money
put away. If I were in his position
I would do the same. Oh wait. I am
in his position. Jeez, I should
really put some money away.
Suddenly, we can hear Tina's voice, upset, coming from the
front of the restaurant.
TINA (O.S.)
Dad! Come quick! Some guys are
robbing the Pesto's!
Bob is confused and walks over to Tina, who is looking out
the front window. He looks out to see repo men taking the
"Pesto's Pizzeria" sign from over top of the restaurant.
Parked on the street is a clearly marked repo van. Jimmy
Pesto is watching all of this happen, looking very
distraught.
After seeing this, Bob exits and walks across the street to
11.
the scene, Tina follows him. Bob reaches Jimmy, who does not
look happy to seem him.
BOB
(aknowledging) Jimmy.
JIMMY
Bob. I guess you're pretty happy to
see all of this happen.
BOB
Well, I wouldn't say happy...
JIMMY
I just can't believe I got shut
down before your crummy burger
shack did.
BOB
(holding back anger) Yeah, well,
what are you doing to do, right?
Cut to a couple of feet away where Tina, who followed Bob
across the street, has wandered over to Jimmy, Jr who is
standing by the front door watching the repo men dismantle
his dad's restaurant.
JIMMY, JR
Hey, Tina, guess you heard about my
Dad's place, huh?
TINA
I did, but I definitely haven't
heard anything about my dad and
brother being responsible for the
entire thing.
JIMMY, JR
What?
TINA
Nothing.
JIMMY, JR
Oh, because I thought you said
something.
TINA
No, just the wind.
JIMMY, JR
But there isn't any wind...
TINA
Yes there is.
Tina begins to make wind noises with her mouth, trying to
12.
trick Jimmy, Jr. He does not fall for it and looks annoyed,
suddenly from behind he hears a similar wind noise and is
surprised. Zoom out to reveal that one of the repo men has
stopped working and is also making wind noises to help Tina.
JIMMY, JR
(to repo man) Cut that out!
Repo man stops immediately and gets back to work. Zoom back
in on Jimmy and Tina.
JIMMY, JR (CONT'D)
What really sucks is my Dad is
totally blaming me for what
happened.
TINA
Ugh, parents. Am I right?
JIMMY JR
I mean, why would I do it?! I'm a
dancer, not a fighter! But if I
ever find out who did this to my
family, I'll arabesque all over
them!
Jimmy Jr. storms away in a huff, dancing as he does.
TINA
(sighs, to herself) They sure don't
make 'em like that anymore...
Cut back to Bob and Jimmy's conversation.
JIMMY
Listen, Bob. Can I be honest with
you? You know, without you being a
complete chowder head?
BOB
I guess...I don't even know what
being a chowde- Okay yeah, fine.
JIMMY
This...This might be it for me
Bobby boy. I...(chokes back a tear)
I...
BOB
What...What are you doing?
JIMMY
(holding back tears) Nothing. I'm
not...(crying) Oh god, Bob! My
business is gone! So much
overpriced pesto that I never got
to use...
13.
Jimmy goes into a manic state, bawling and convulsing as he
falls to the ground in hysterics.
BOB
Oh, my god, Jimmy, get up. Please
for the love of god, I'm like your
worst enemy and I'm begging you to
get up.
Jimmy hears this and starts to calm down while still
remaining on the ground. He looks up at Bob.
JIMMY
What am I going to do, Bob? What is
my family going to do?
Bob looks upset over hearing this. Suddenly, one of the repo
men drops the "Pesto's" sign and it lands on the ground,
causing the "o's" to crack off the sign, leaving only the
"Pest", also breaking the sad mood.
BOB
(chuckles) Oh my god, how have I
never realized that the word pest
is like eighty percent of your
name?! After all of those late
nights trying to think up an
insulting name for you!
JIMMY
(still on the ground) What was
that?
BOB
Uh, nothing... I think it was the
wind.
CUT TO:
COMMERCIAL
BREAK
INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - THE NEXT DAY
Gene and Louise stand by their lockers, gathering materials
for class. Louise composes herself before approaching Gene,
obviously up to something.
LOUISE
Boy, I bet this is especially hard
on Ollie and Andy, you know, with
their family being ruined and all.
Cut to Ollie and Andy who are skipping cheerfully down the
hall, in unison.
14.
GENE
Yeah, you're right, they do look
kind of upset...
LOUISE
And you know, even though it was
all Dad's idea, it was really you
who butterfingered the potato
salad...
GENE
Quit beating around the bush and
just say what you mean already!
LOUISE
You're the one responsible, Gene.
Dramatic music hits as we zoom in on Gene's face, which is
full of worry and sweat.
LOUISE (CONT'D)
You're the reason that Pesto's got
shut down!
Dramatic music swells and zoom in closer to Gene's sweat
face.
LOUISE (CONT'D)
You're the reason they're all going
to be homeless!
More swelling, more zooming.
LOUISE (CONT'D)
Because of YOU, Ollie and Andy will
probably be orphaned! Split up and
sent to two different families! One
will probably be a family of
murderers!
GENE
(gasps) What about the other one?
LOUISE
(sinister) A family of dentists...
GENE
(screams in horror) Okay, okay!
I'll do it, I'll do it.
LOUISE
Good.
GENE
What am I doing again?
Louise sighs and puts her arm around Gene, leading him away
15.
from the lockers and towards the twins. She now has a calm,
personal demeanor.
LOUISE
Gene, soon the rest of Pesto family
money will be gone and they will be
forced to abandon Ollie and Andy.
They won't have anyone to feed
them, or look after them...Unless
of course you were to do something
about that...
GENE
Like what?
LOUISE
Like raise them? Care for them? You
orphaned those two idiots, Gene,
now is the time you pay them back
by becoming a father!
Gene takes a second to contemplate this but quickly comes to
a decision, looking confident and sure of his decision.
GENE
Hm. You're right, Louise! Ollie and
Andy are my responsibility now. I
will teach them everything I know!
LOUISE
(sardonic) I'm sure that will take
no time at all.
GENE
They told me my childhood would go
by quickly, but I had no idea it
would be this fast...
CUT TO:
EXT. WONDER WHARF STAGE - DAY
A large crowd is gathered around the stage at Wonder Wharf on
a clear, sunny day. Mr. Fischoeder is on the stage with a
microphone, welcoming the crowd.
MR. FISCHOEDER
Welcome! Welcome everybody to the
twenty-second annual Wonder Wharf
cooking contest! It was a grueling
competition this year, but we now
have our finalists! First from,
Pesto's Pizzeria, it's Jimmy Pesto!
The crowd cheers wildly for Jimmy as he enters from stage
right wheeling out a gorgeous looking pizza, complete with
16.
streamers and tiny fireworks going off around it. He is
wearing a gold crown and looking very pleased with himself.
JIMMY
(to crowd) Thank you! Thank you!
You're all too kind!
MR. FISCHOEDER
And now please welcome our other
finalist, from Bob's Burgers, it's
Bob!
The crowd goes completely silent as Bob comes walking out,
looking very plain and simply holding a burger in his hand.
BOB
(nervous, to crowd) Tha- Thank you
very much...you know...too.
Linda stands up out of her seat in the crowd and starts to
cheer. She is the only one.
LINDA
Woo! Yeah Bobby! You go!
The people around her start to look annoyed. The woman
sitting behind Linda leans and says
WOMAN
Do you mind, ma'am? We're trying to
cheer for Jimmy.
Linda immediately stops her annoying cheering and sits down,
looking embarrassed and deflated.
LINDA
(whisper) Sorry.
Cut back to the stage.
MR. FISCHOEDER
Well, Bob, it doesn't look like
you've got much of the crowd on
your side. It seems like they're
all (to crowd) Pesto People!
The crowd roars once again. Cut to Linda sitting down, upset,
in a sea of cheering people.
LINDA
)pouting) Hmph...It's okay when
they do it...
Cut back to the stage.
17.
MR. FISCHOEDER
Well, Jimmy it looks like your work
is cut out for you. Got anything to
say champ?
JIMMY
(gurgles)
MR. FISCHOEDER
Sorry? I didn't quite catch that.
Cut to Jimmy who is looking straight ahead, still gurgling,
and then suddenly falls flat on his face, dead. A knife is
sticking out of his back.
MR. FISCHOEDER (CONT'D)
Good god!
The crowd panics and screams.
Mr. Fischoeder quickly goes to Jimmy's body. He lifts and
cradles him like a baby.
MR. FISCHOEDER (CONT'D)
Who would do this?! Who would cut
down this prince of pizza pies in
his prime?!
CROWD MEMBER
It was Bob! Look at his hands!
Cut to Bob who is slowly backing away.
BOB
What? I didn't do anything.
Bob looks down at his hands and sees they are covered in
blood.
BOB (CONT'D)
Oh my god, I didn't...Did I? Well
he was asking for it! Who brings
out fireworks with their food? That
can't be sanitary!
The crowd begins to boo and heckle Bob, throwing their
garbage at him.
BOB (CONT'D)
I didn't mean to...
Cut to Linda in the crowd.
LINDA
(panic) Oh my god, my Bobby is a
murderer! I'll have to testify on
trial! (excited) Oh! I can buy a
(MORE)
LINDA (CONT'D)
18.
vest for when they call me testify!
Sexy legal Linda!
Cut back to the front of the stage where the audience is
starting to climb onto the stage, toward Bob.
CROWD MEMBER
Get him! Get the back stabber!
Cut back to Bob on stage who is hearing all of this and is
beginning to panic.
BOB
I didn't do anything! I swear! It
was just an accident!
The booing intensifies and the crowd draws closer. Mr.
Fischoeder approaches Bob.
MR. FISCHOEDER
No one believe you Bob...
Mr. Fischoeder grabs one of Bob's hands and shows him all the
blood.
MR. FISCHOEDER (CONT'D)
Not when you've been caught red
handed!
Bob screams and suddenly...
CUT TO:
INT. BOB AND LINDA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bob wakes up from his nightmare, still screaming and covered
in sweat. Linda wakes up and turns on a light. Bob stops
screaming but is still breathing heavily.
LINDA
What- What's going on, Bob?
BOB
Nothing I...I just had a bad dream.
LINDA
Oh, well, I tried to tell you not
to eat all that jerky before bed.
BOB
What? (laughs to himself) Jerky? I
was having a bad dream because of
Jimmy Pesto. I really think screwed
up.
19.
LINDA
Aw, Bob, I knew you cared.
BOB
Where did you get jerky from?
LINDA
(defensive) I saw it on the news,
people eating too much jerky before
bed and they get all panicky in the
night. They're calling it Jerky
Fever. Scary.
BOB
Good night, Lin.
CUT TO:
EXT. OCEAN AVENUE SIDEWALK - THE NEXT DAY
Ollie and Andy are skipping along the sidewalk when they
suddenly spot a hotdog vendor.
OLLIE
Oh! Andy! Hotdogs!
ANDY
Hotdogs!
They run over to the hotdog vendor, who is ready for them.
ANDY (CONT'D)
One hotdog, please.
HOTDOG VENDOR
(confused) But there's two of
yas...
OLLIE
We know!
The hotdog vendor shrugs and begins to make the hotdog.
HOTDOG VENDOR
Whatever...
The hotdog vendor finishes and is about to hand the food over
to the twins when suddenly we hear Gene, off screen,
screaming:
GENE
Noooooo!
We can hear Gene running down the street, after a couple of
beats, he arrives on the scene and slaps the hotdog out of
the vendor's hand. He turns to Ollie and Andy, strictly
20.
points his finger at the vendor.
GENE (CONT'D)
Never take food from a stranger!
You don't know him or where he has
been!
HOTDOG VENDOR
I've been right here since six this
morning, kid. You gonna pay for
that hotdog?
GENE
Nice try! But your street tricks
won't work with me, sir.
(confident) I'm a dad.
The hotdog vendor looks very confused.
GENE (CONT'D)
(to Ollie and Andy) Come on kids,
I'm taking you home with me.
OLLIE & ANDY
Yay!
GENE
And for dinner...Hotdogs!
CUT TO:
INT. BOB'S BURGERS - AFTERNOON
Bob is cleaning while Teddy and Mort eat their lunch at the
counter.
BOB
I just don't know what I'm going to
do guys. I mean... I have to help
him.
TEDDY
After all the grief that guy has
given you over the years? Psh, I
would just say good riddance and
been done with it.
BOB
Jeez, that's kind of harsh, isn't
it Teddy?
TEDDY
Believe me, Bobby, you do not want
to get on my bad side. I always
keep a list of names with me, and
believe me, you don't want to be on
(MORE)
TEDDY (CONT'D)
21.
it...
Teddy pulls out a piece of paper and examines it.
TEDDY (CONT'D)
Yup, it's been with me ever since I
can remember.
Bob goes over to examine the piece of paper.
BOB
Teddy, those are tickets for the
baseball game today. The one that's
going on right now.
TEDDY
Oh jeez! I knew I forgot something!
Teddy gathers his belongings and rushes out the door.
TEDDY (CONT'D)
I'll see you guys later. Go
Torpedoes!
Teddy exists.
MORT
If the only thing stopping Jimmy
from keeping his place open is
money, then why don't you just
throw a fundraiser in the
community, or something?
BOB
Everyone in the community hates
Jimmy Pesto just as much as I do.
Nobody will want to help him with
anything, he's an arrogant jerk.
MORT
Then why are you helping him?
BOB
Because, I just am, okay? I'm just
a good person with a big...Oh my
god!
Bob looks out the window and spies a banner going up over the
old Pesto's Pizzeria place that reads "NEW HOME OF SAM THE
BUTCHER"
BOB (CONT'D)
Sam the Butcher is opening up a new
store right across from me?!
This...This is the best day ever.
Bob dreamily leaves the counter and walks out of his
22.
restaurant.
CUT TO:
EXT. FRONT OF PESTO'S PIZZERIA - CONTINUOUS
Bob walks across the street over to Mr. Fischoeder and Sam
the Butcher who are talking in front of the building. Sam is
short, fat, and extremely friendly looking, with a big smile
and a welcoming wave. His white t-shirt does not entirely
cover his belly and his white butcher's cap is covered in
grease.
MR. FISCHOEDER
Ah Bob! Just the man I wanted to
see.
BOB
Oh, hey, Mr. Fischoeder. (chuckles)
I actually had a dream about you
last night.
MR. FISCHOEDER
Oh, well I'm flattered Bob, but I
would like to keep this on a
professional level for the time
being.
BOB
Oh...No. Not like that. I jus-
MR. FISCHOEDER
Let me start by introducing you to
my newest tenant, Sam the Butcher.
Bob walks over to Sam and shakes his hand.
BOB
It's a real pleasure Mr. The
Butcher. I went to your lecture on
marinading last spring. It was
inspiring.
SAM
(laughs heartily, friendly) Well
thanks for that, Bob. Say? Are you
the owner of that delicious looking
burger place across the street?
BOB
Yeah, that's me...Bob.
SAM
Then I'd say that this meeting was
meant to be! I've got some real
choice ground beef coming in the
(MORE)
SAM (CONT'D)
23.
next few days, Bob, and I know
first hand it makes an amazing
burger. Oh! And I just had some
pork shoulder the other day that
you will go nuts for! Come on it
Bob, try my wares!
Bob nods and grunts affirmatively while drooling slightly.
BOB
(under his breath) Sorry, Jimmy...
CUT TO:
COMMERCIAL
BREAK
INT. BELCHER FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT
Bob, Linda, Tina, Gene, and Louise all sit around the family
room at night, watching TV and conversing.
BOB
It was amazing, Lin, he has ever
kind of meat in existence! He even
has a farm upstate where he keeps a
prized collection of pigs!
GENE
Oh my god! I want to be him!
TINA
Pigs aren't meant to be collected,
Gene. They're meant to be tenderly
loved and cared for.
LOUISE
And then tenderly turned into
bacon...
LINDA
(to Bob) But what about Jimmy? I
thought you were going to help him
get his place back?
BOB
Oh, yeah...Jimmy. Well, maybe we're
just better off. I really think Sam
is going to push this family into
it's true potential.
TINA
But what if my true potential is
marrying Jimmy, Jr and having a
prized collection of pigs of my
own?
24.
BOB
Pesto's Pizzeria closing down
doesn't have anything to do with
you and Jimmy Jr., Tina.
TINA
It has everything to do with it! If
you and Mr. Pesto aren't rivals
then how will Jimmy, Jr and I
secretly fall in love behind your
backs?
LINDA
(comforting) Aw, Tina, don't worry.
I'm sure they'll be plenty of boy's
families that I hate.
BOB
Exactly. The Pesto's will be fine,
it's time to being the Age of Sam
the Butcher!
Gene and Louise are having a separate conversation to the
side of the room.
LOUISE
(to Gene) You see? Dad isn't going
to help the Pesto's. You're the
only family Ollie and Andy have
now.
GENE
Oh, I know, Louise. I spent the
entire afternoon with them.
LOUISE
What about right now?
GENE
I've got it all taken care of...
We follow Gene and Louise into Gene's bedroom, he turns on
the light and walks over to the window where a cup with a
string attached to it is resting on the windowsill. Gene
picks up the cup and starts talking into it.
GENE (CONT'D)
Ollie? Andy? Are you there? This is
your new Dad calling, pick up
please.
We can clearly see that the string goes across to the other
side of the street, to the apartment above Pesto's Pizzeria.
After a beat, the twins answer. We can only hear their
voices.
25.
OLLIE
Dad? Is that you?
ANDY
I'm hungry, Dad. Also tired. Also
Ollie farted and now it smells bad
in here.
OLLIE
Did not! Also I'm hungry, too.
GENE
I just fed you! Didn't you get any
of the animal crackers I threw
across the street?
OLLIE
I think I got one...
ANDY
No, that was rock, Ollie.
OLLIE
Oh, then no, we didn't get any.
Gene gives Louise a look of exhaustion.
GENE
I never knew fatherhood was so
difficult! I should really tell Dad
how much I appreciate him.
LOUISE
Eh, I'm sure he knows.
OLLIE
Dad! We can't sleep! I think
there's a bat in here!
GENE
(angry) There's no bat, go to bed!
The cup is silent now. Gene takes a deep breath. Louise walks
over to pat him on the back.
LOUISE
You're doing the best you can,
champ.
GENE
Only ten more years until they are
in college...All the moms in my
jogging group say to enjoy the time
though, because it flies by...
CUT TO:
26.
EXT. FRONT OF PESTO'S PIZZERIA - THE NEXT DAY
Bob walks towards the front doors of the Old Pesto's
Pizzeria, lined with "Coming Soon!" banners. As he goes to
open the doors, Jimmy walks out and the two meet
face-to-face.
JIMMY
Oh, it's you. What do you want?
BOB
Just, picking up some meat from
Sam's.
We can see through the front doors that Sam, as jubilant as
ever, is standing in the store waving happily to Bob, package
of shimmering meat in his hand.
SAM
(from inside) Hey, Bob!
BOB
(quietly, for Jimmy's sake) Hey,
Sam.
JIMMY
So, I guess he's going to be a
better neighbor than I ever was,
huh?
BOB
Well, I don't know about better. I
mean, he isn't competition.
...Actually he's going to help my
business if anything. And he won't
call me chowder head. Or Bob the
slob. And he won't make fun of my
restaurant, or my family-
JIMMY
I guess I just always thought the
point of us yanking each other's
chains was to, you know, push each
other. We're constantly competeing
but that's always been because we
care about the same thing, working
hard for our food and for our
families. I mean heck, Bob, we both
had the gall to name our
restaurants after ourselves...
BOB
(grunts)
JIMMY
It's a hard, crazy world, Bob,
especially for guys like us. To me,
(MORE)
JIMMY (CONT'D)
27.
we are brothers-in-arms, motivating
each other to stay alive on this
battlefield of small business
ownership. And I just want to say,
it's been an honor.
Jimmy puts his hand out to shake. Bob's face changes from
uninterested to apathetic.
BOB
Gee...I guess I never really
thought of it that way.
Bob looks around and sees the many similarities between
himself and Jimmy Pesto. First he looks into Jimmy's car and
sees Ollie, Andy, and Jimmy, Jr playing around and then looks
across at his own kids sitting in a booth at his restaurant,
similarly playing. Then, he looks at Jimmy's apartment above
his old restaurant, and then looks across the street at his
own home, above his restaurant. Finally, he looks at Jimmy
and sees the greasy spatula that Jimmy has tucked in his back
pocket and then looks in his own hand and sees a very similar
spatula, covered in a very similar grease.
BOB (CONT'D)
Jimmy, don't give up hope yet. I
will be right back, I've just got
to get Lin to make some more potato
salad.
JIMMY
(confused) What?
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND PESTO'S PIZZERIA - LATER
Similar to the scene in the beginning, Bob and Gene are again
in the alleyway behind Pesto's Pizzeria, now called Sam the
Butcher's. This time they are only carrying one bag of potato
salad.
GENE
I feel like this is the definition
of not learning your lesson...
BOB
We did. Well we didn't, but we kind
of did- Look it doesn't matter. All
that matters is we dump this potato
salad, blame the entire thing on
Sam and force Hugo to let Jimmy
open back up.
28.
GENE
But then doesn't that just mean
we're doing the same thing to Sam?
BOB
No, because we're fixing the first
mistake while we- Never mind, you
wouldn't understand.
GENE
Oh, I do understand, I'm a Dad
myself now, Dad. And sneaking this
gross potato salad into an air
vent, for a second time, is not the
way a good dad behaves!
BOB
(sighs) Gene if you do this Ollie
and Andy will be saved, you won't
have to look after them anymore
because they'll still have their
real dad...
GENE
(sad) But I'm their real dad
now...I feed them and everything.
BOB
Gene, part of being a good dad is
doing what's best for your kids, no
matter what. Jimmy and I have that
in common, I bet someday you will
too.
Gene is less sad and now has a look of understanding.
GENE
I thought my childhood was over,
but listening to you has made me
realize that I'm still just a kid.
Hand me that bag, Dad!
Bob hands Gene the bag of potato salad and starts to push him
up into the vents.
BOB
(confused, thinks back on what was
just said) Well, yeah, I mean
you're only eleven years old, Gene,
you're definitely still a kid...
CUT TO:
INT. BOB'S BURGERS - LATER THAT DAY
Bob is sitting at the booth near the front window, drinking
29.
coffee. Linda comes over to him.
LINDA
So what? You just left Jimmy Pesto
out to dry? For what? Cheap meats?
Shame on you, Bobby...
BOB
Hang on, Lin, just wait...
Suddenly, across the street Hugo and Ron pull up in front of
Sam the Butcher's. Sam comes out to greet them. Hugo starts
talking to Sam as Ron goes straight in to investigate.
HUGO
(to Ron) Make it snappy, Ron! This
is an emergency situation!
SAM
Hey, Hugo! I wasn't expecting you
today. Come on in and have a
delicious sausage, huh? On Sammy...
HUGO
Sorry, Sam, no time for sausage. We
got an anonymous tip that this
place was still covered in rancid
potato salad!
SAM
(chuckles) What? Sam are you
kidding me? I don't even serve
potato salad, I'm a butcher!
Ron comes back out, his gloved hand is covered in potato
salad.
RON
It's the same stuff as last time.
Dramatic music hits as Sam begins to panic. Bob and Jimmy
both appear from their homes and walk toward the scene.
SAM
This is a set up!
HUGO
What the heck is going with this
place and potato salad?
Cut to Bob who is near Sam's car.
BOB
Hey guys! Check this out, there are
containers of the stuff in the back
of Sam's car, I think he might have
some kind of obsession with potato
(MORE)
BOB (CONT'D)
30.
salad or something...
SAM
(devastated) Why, Bob...
Hugo and Ron go over to investigate the car, with Jimmy Pesto
following closely behind.
JIMMY
See! I told you it wasn't me! This
jerk must have sabotaged my place
just so he could open up another
chain of stupid butchers!
HUGO
Alright, I've heard about enough,
let's go Sam, you've got a lot of
answer for...
Hugo and Ron lower Sam into the back of their car, similar to
a police officer arresting someone, but no where near as
serious. Bob sneaks over to the car and whispers to Sam.
BOB
I'm sorry, Sam. You were the best,
but you have to understand, Jimmy
and I, were connected, we both
named our restaurants after
ourselves!
SAM
But...I named my restaurant after
myself, too.
BOB
Oh shoot...
Just as Bob delivers the line the car screeches away.
CUT TO:
EXT. FRONT OF PESTO'S PIZZERIA - LATER
Hugo, along with both the Belcher and Pesto families have
gathered out front of Pesto's Pizzeria.
HUGO
Jimmy, I sincerely apologize for
thinking you would ever be sick
enough to cover your own restaurant
in potato salad. Only a truly
twisted and demented min could
devise a plot so sinister and
psychotic.
31.
BOB
Well, I wouldn't go that fa-
HUGO
(interrupts) And so, it is with
great pleasure that I reinstate
Pesto's Pizzeria with it's
former...
Hugo takes out a new sign health rating sign.
HUGO (CONT'D)
C-plus rating. Congratulations,
Jimmy.
Everyone cheers as Jimmy accepts the grade and shakes Hugo's
hand.
Cut to the side of the event, where Tina and Jimmy, Jr. are
standing next to each other.
TINA
Well, it looks like we're back to
being star-crossed lovers from
rival families, huh Jimmy Jr.?
JIMMY JR
Um...I guess.
After an awkward pause, Jimmy Jr begins to sniff at Tina and
looks grossed out.
JIMMY JR (CONT'D)
You reek of potato salad.
On this line, Jimmy Jr walks away from Tina, leaving her by
herself.
TINA
For never was a story of more woe,
than this of Tina and her
Jimmy...O.
Cut back to Bob and Jimmy, who are alone talking in front of
the doors of Pesto's Pizzeria.
JIMMY
See, Bob? I told you it would all
work out.
BOB
Actually, what I think you said
was, "What am I going to do! I'm
ruined!"
32.
JIMMY
Yeah, well that was a moment of
weakness. But now, I'm back on top,
and ready to start outselling you
again during the lunch rush! Woo!
Jimmy turns to walk away. Bob is about to do the same but
stops and takes a deep breath.
BOB
Jimmy, wait.
Jimmy stops and turns back.
BOB (CONT'D)
I just wanted to say...That I feel
the same way. About, you know, the
stuff you were saying yesterday.
We're both proud business owners
who have to work hard everyday, and
I just wanted to say that, if you
ever need anything. I've always got
your back. Buddy.
Jimmy seems to be touched by these words, he looks like he is
about to say something to reciprocate but suddenly he bursts
out laughing.
JIMMY
Holy smokes! Did anybody else hear
that? Hey guys! I think Bob might
have a crush on me!
Bob growls in anger and walks away.
BOB
(under his breath) Pesto...
CUT TO:
INT. GENE'S ROOM - LATER
Gene and Louise are in Gene's room, standing by the window,
near the phone can.
LOUISE
Well, Gene, it looks like the
Pesto's aren't going to be ruined
after all. I guess you won't have
to be a father after all.
Gene sighs sadly and goes to listen to the phone can. He
lifts it up to hear.
33.
JIMMY
Hey boys! Who's hungry for a triple
hotdog pizza?
OLLIE & ANDY
We are! We are!
OLLIE (CONT'D)
Thanks, Dad.
ANDY
You're the greatest!
Gene holds back and tear while pulling out a pair of
scissors.
GENE
(reluctant) I guess all parents
have to cut the cord someday...
Gene uses the scissors to cut the phone cup string that is
running across the street. The string is cut and falls
gracefully to the street below. The sounds of Ollie and Andy
laughing are also cut off. Only silence is left.
LOUISE
(after a beat) Want to go steal a
pig from that guy's farm?
GENE
PIGS!!
CUT TO: END
CREDITS