These club heads are on the wrong way!

DAVE WARD AFTER BUYING A LEFT HANDED SET

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

MARK TWAIN (1832 – 1910)

Golf is essentially an exercise in masochism conducted out of doors

PAUL O’NEIL

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles

G.K. CHESTERTON (1871 – 1936)

A hundred years of experience has demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a cow
pasture.
DAVE KINDRED

In primitive societies they call it witchcraft when the local tribes beat the ground with clubs. In civilised
society its called golf.
O. CUPIDO

Golf Ball: A small object that remains on the tee while a perspiring citizen fans it vigorously with a large
club.

Golf: A game where in which a ball one and a half inches in diameter is placed on a ball 8,000 miles in
diameter. The object is to hit the small ball but not the larger.
JOHN CUNNINGHAM

If it goes right, it’s a slice. If it goes left, it’s a hook. If it goes straight, it’s a miracle.

AWOOGA, the sound to be made when reaching the green from your tee shot
KRISS AKABUSI B.1958

A ball will always come to rest halfway down a hill, unless there is sand or water at the bottom.
HERY BEARD

Songwriter Hoagy Carmichael once teed up on a par three hole, picked up a club and hit the ball. It
bounced on the green, hit the pin and dropped in for a hole in one. Hoagy took another ball from his pocket,
teed it up, then observed, “I think I’ve got the idea now.”
BUDDY HACKETT

Hook: the addiction of fifty percent of golfers. Slice: the weakness of the other half
JIM BISHOP

The proper score for a businessman is ninety. If he’s better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s
worse, he’s neglecting his golf.
ST. ANDREWS ROTARY MEMBER

The hardest shot to play is a mashie at ninety yards… where the ball has to be played against an oak tree,
bounces back into a sandtrap, hits a stone, bounces on the green and then rolls into the cup. That shot is so
difficult I have only made it once.
ZEPPO MARX (1901 – 1977)

There was a thunderous crack like cannonfire and suddenly I was lifted a foot and a half off the ground…
Damn, I thought to myself, this is a helluva penalty for slow play.
LEE TREVINO, B.1939
A member of my husband’s golf club raced back to the clubhouse from a lone practice round to announce
excitedly, “I’ve just had a hole in one on the seventeenth – and I’ve left the ball in the hole to prove it!”
MRS K. PLOWMAN

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and
energy your business instead of golf, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.
BUDDY HACKETT

“He’s hit it fat… It will probably be short…. It just hit the front edge of the green…. It’s got no chance….
It’s rolling but it will stop…. It’s rolling toward the cup…. Well I’ll be damned.”
JIMMY DEMARET

Watching the Masters on CBS is like attending a church service. Announcers speak in hushed, pious tones,
as if to convince us that something of great meaning and historical importance is taking place. What we are
actually seeing is grown men hitting little balls with sticks.
TOM GILMORE

Playing (golf) in spite of an increasing girth, poor eyesight, dicky heart, varicose veins and blood pressure
is a defiant gesture by those whose lives are otherwise devoted to concentrated dissipation and indulgence.
PETER GAMMOND

With a clear course and fine sea view the golfer may be excused for imagining that golf is the ultimate end
of existence.
LORD BALFOUR

….what a wonderful mysterious game golf really is.

ARONOL PALMER B.1929 WITH JAMES DODSON, FROM “A GOLFER’S LIFE”

…[Golf} furnishes its devotees with an intense many-sided, and abiding pleasure unlike that which any
other form of recreation affords…. Perhaps it is nothing more that the best game man has ever devised.
HERBERT WARREN WIND

When I look on my life and try to decide out of what I have got most actual pleasure, I have no doubt at all
in saying that I have got more out of golf than anything else.
LORD BRABAZON

It’s the overwhelming feeling of wonder and tradition that is there, when you step of the first tee at St.
Andrews, or Augusta, or Pebble Beach.
ARNOLD PALMER, B.1929

My worst day on the golf course still beats my best day in the office.
JOHN HALLISEY

If you’re a golfer and you’re on your game, life is a bowl of cherries.

JACK NICKLAUS, B.1940

There is no equivalent in any other sport to the pleasure of a well-struck shot, the smooth climb of the ball
into the sky, its run along the fairway or obedient fluttering decent on the green.
ALEX MORRISON FROM THE “THE IMPOSSIBLE ART OF GOLF”

Golf is a game to be enjoyed. On a blue-sky day replete with puffy white clouds, strolling down a fairway
with friends is a little bit of heaven on earth.
FRANK COFFEY

What a beautiful place a golf club is. From the meanest country pasture to the Pebble Beaches and St.
Andrews of the world, a golf course to me is a holy ground.
HARVEY PENICK

Being able to play in a beautiful setting is part of the essence of Golf.

ARNOLD PALMER, B.1929

It means…. Getting close to nature, fresh air, and exercise, a sweeping of mental cobwebs and a genuine
relaxation of tired tissues.
DAVID ROBERTSON FORGAN

Indeed, the highest pleasure of golf may be that on the fairways and far from all the pressures of commerce
and rationality, we can feel immortal for a few hours.
COLMAN MCCARTHY

Golf is like yoga for me, its had wonderful, sedative, remedial qualities for my day-day life.
RONNIE CORBETT B.1930

I consider it my particularly good fortune to be a part of a game that allows man or woman, teenager or
octogenarian, to express their love for life in an arena bequeathed by nature.
NICK FALDO B.1959

Golfers belong to an exclusive universal club… Their connection is not bound by time or geography. It is in
the spirit and joy of the game.
J.P. RESNICK

Winning has always meant much to me, but winning friends has meant the most.
BABE DIDRIKSON ZAHARIAS (1914-1956)

The friends you make on the golf course are the friends you make for life.
JESSICA ANDERSON VALENTINE

Golf may be, and is, used by people of every colour, race, creed and temperament, in every climate and all
year round…. Thus has our happy game of golf wound a bright cordon round the world, and so does she
play her part in the great evolution of general contentment.
HENRY LEACH

Around the first old comrades are assembling… Memories, like a scarlet thread running the frosted winter
months, bind old rivalries to new challenges…. Your blood awakens as your hand grips the club, and once
more you are alive and in love with life in the open.
CHARLES W. MOORE

A leisurely round [of golf] with a close friend on a summer’s evening comes close to the best of all human
experiences.
W.F. DEEDED FROM “WEEKEND TELEGRAPH” MARCH 21, 1998

Green: An area of smooth grass with a hole in the bumpy bit.

PETER GAMMOND, FROM “BLUFF YOUR WAY IN GOLF”

A tap-in is a putt that is short enough to be missed one-handed.

HENRY BEAERD

A “green” is a small parcel of grass costing about $2.98 a blade, and usually situated between a brook and a
couple of apple trees or a lot of “unfinished excavation”
“GOLF DIGEST” (BEST OF GOLF HUMOUR)

There is a right or wrong way of hitting a yard putt. The right way is bliss, the wrong purgatory.
DAVID ROBERTSON FORGAN
In a competition at Peace Haven, Sussex, England in 1890, A.J. Lewis had 156 on one green without holing
out.
DONALD STEEL, FROM “THE GUINESS BOOK OF GOLF FACTS AND FEATS”

Putts should be conceded only in the following circumstances:

(i)When you opponent is two inches from the pin and three down
(ii)When you opponent is nine feet from the hole and is your boss.
(iii)Immediately after you have holed out in one.
TOM SCOTT

Daddy, why mustn’t the ball go into the little hole

HERBERT V. PROCHNOW

You know those two-foot downhill putts with a break? I’d rather see a rattlesnake.
SAM SNEAD (1912-2002)

Putt in haste and repent at leisure

GERALD BATCHELOR, FROM “GOLF PROVERBS”

Real golfers don’t cry when they line up their fourth putt.
KAREN HURWITZ

Announcer: This is the big one, folks…. Now he’s sighting the putt…. Now he’s addressing the ball….
Now he’s glaring in my direction.
ROBERT DAY, A CARTOON IN “THE NEW YORKER”

Few pleasures on earth match the feeling that comes from making a loud noise just as the other guy is about
to putt.
DAVE BARRY

Get the ball in the hole, you must

YODA

Go ahead and putt. You’re not interrupting my conversation

ROBET E. ZORN

When you are playing golf, no one regrets your birdies like you opponent.
HELEN THOMSON

Surly you can’t make that putt. I can…. And don’t call me Shirley!
TED STRIKER & RUMACK 1980

Half of golf is fun, the other half is putting.

PETER DOBEREINER

I don’t say my golf game is bad; but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced
MILLER BARBER

You experience so much from golf – like living through a complete confidence collapse.
HELEN THOMSON

My goal this year is basically to find the fairways.

LAURI PETERSON FROM THE “SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS”

I know I’m getting better at golf because I’m hitting a few spectators
GERALD FORD, B.1913

I don’t need practice. I need a miracle

BRUCE ASHWORTH

My goal is to become filthy rich. But obviously, that isn’t going to be in golf. I’m working on stock-market
fraud.
GARY MCCORD

I’ve bought these long distance balls – but all I do is hit them even further into the rough.
HELEN THOMSON

Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that’s the safest place to be when
you play is down the middle.
JACKIE GLEASON (1916-1987)

I find it more satisfying to be a bad player at golf. The worse you play, the better you remember the
occasional good shot.
NUBAR GULBENKIAN

The only time I looked at my scorecard and saw three birdies, it was my partner’s
HELEN THOMSON

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

LEE TREVINO, B.1939

My handicap? Woods and irons.

CHRIS CODIROLI

The fairways get longer and the holes get smaller.

BOBBIE LOCKE, AT THE AGE OF 57

Nothing goes down slower then a golf handicap.

BOBBY NICHOLS

Golfer: Caddie, will you stop looking at your watch all the time it’s very distracting.
Caddie: It’s not my watch, Sir. It’s my compass.
FRED METCALF

Golfer: “I’ve never played this poorly before.”

Caddie: “You’ve played before?”
FRED METCALF

I’m about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That’s the distance my left ear is from my right.
BEN CRENSHAW

The mind messes up more shots than the body.

TOMMY BOLT

Don’t let the bad shots get to you. Don’t let yourself become angry. The true scramblers are thick-skinned.
And always beat the whiners.
PAUL RUNYAN, “GOLF DIGEST”

If the golfer could overcome his mental hazards, he would have an easier game than if all the ponds and
streams were dry , and all the traps filled, and all the bunkers cut down!
CHARLES W. MOORE, FROM “THE MENTAL SIDE OF GOLF”
… Dick brooks claims that a person, standing up to a ball armed only with a club, undergoes shortness of
breath, tightness in the chest, curling of the toes, clenched teeth, muscle spasms and paralysis. In sum,
ready to hit.
JIM BISHOP

A well-adjusted person is one who can play golf as if it were a game.

FROM “A TREASURE CHEST OF QUOTATIONS”

The sport isn’t like any other where a player can take out all that is eating him on an opponent. In golf, it’s
strictly against your clubs.
BOB ROSBURG

Golf is frustrating and exciting: you run through the whole gamut of emotions when you are out there
playing – every golfer understands that
TIGER WOODS, B.1975 FROM THE DAILY TELEGRAPH 14/11/2000

Golf is a non-violent game played violently within.

BOB TOSKI

Golf is a bloodless sport, if you don’t count the ulcers.

DICK SCHAPP

There are three ways of learning golf; by study, which is the most wearisome; by imitation, which is the
most fallacious; and by experience, which is the most bitter.
ROBERT BROWNING, FROM A”A HISTORY OF GOLF”

If you watch a game, It’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
BOB HOPE 1903-2003

Golf is a game where guts, stick-to-it-ness, and blind devotion will get you nothing but an ulcer.
TOMMY BOLT

Golf is like a love affair. If you don’t take it too seriously its no fun. If you do take it seriously, it breaks
your heart.
ARNOLD DALY

I have only one goal in golf – to leave it with my sanity

JOE INMAN

After an abnormal round of golf, a man is known to have slit his wrists with a razor blade and, having
bandaged them to have stumbled into the locker room and inquired of his partner, “What time tomorrow?”
ALISTAIR COOKE

There is no game that strips the soul so naked.

H.G HUTCHINSON

It is a test of temper, a trial of honour, a revealer of character.

DAVID ROBERTSON FORGAN

… but I challenge anyone to dispute the fact that every good golfer will be at heart a good person.
ARNOLD HAULTAIN

I’ve found that to be truly successful in the world of golf one must first come to accept oneself as a human
being who has the inner capabilities to improve and become a better person.
GARY PLAYER, B.1936
Its amazing how much you can learn when you truly enjoy doing something. Golf for me has always been a
labour of love and pleasure.
TIGER WOODS, FROM WEEKEND, THE EXPRESS, 19TH APRIL, 1997

Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate you enemies.
FRANK COFFEY, FROM “WHY DO THEY CALL IT A BIRDIE”

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t
have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
TOMMY BOLT

Golfers don’t fist fight. They cuss a lot. But they wouldn’t punch anything or anybody. They might hurt
their hands and have to change their grip.
DAN JENKINS

The difference between learning to play golf and learning to drive a car is that in golf you never hit
anything.

However unlucky you may be it really is not fair to expect your adversary’s grief for you undeserved
misfortunes to be poignant as your own.
HORSE HUTCHINSON

Give me a man with big hands, big feet, and no brains and I will make a golfer out of him.
WALTER HAGEN (1892 – 1969)

To his pupil: “You’ve just one problem. You stand too close to the ball – after you’ve hit it.”
SAM SNEAD

The reason the Pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
PHYLLIS SILLER B.1917

Did you ever consider hitting it closer to the hole?

BEN HOGAN

I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf
swing: 1) Keep your head down. 2) Follow through. 3) Be born with money
P.J. O’ ROURKE

Arnold Palmer has won about as much money playing golf as I’ve paid on lessons.
BOB HOPE (1903 – 2003)

Advice to pupil: “Lay off for three weeks and then quit for good.”
SAM SNEAD (1912 – 2002)

Golf is a game in which you shout “fore”, shoot six and write down five.
PAUL HARVEY

For most amateurs, the best wood in the bag is the pencil
CHI CHI RODRIQUEZ

Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players well.
ART ROSENBAUM

Golf has made more liars out of people than income tax.
FRANK COFFEY
A hole-in-one is an occurrence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole on a single shot by a
golfer playing alone.
ROY MCKIE

Golf is a game where when you don’t succeed, you try, try again. And if you’re honest, you mark it doen on
your scorecard.
SEYMOUR DUNN

I used to play with a guy who cheated so badly that he hit a hole-in-one and wrote down zero on his score
card.
BOB BRUCE

Just how childlike golf players become is proved by their frequent inability to count past five
JOHN UPDIKE, B.1932

Golf is the hardest game in the world. There’s no way you can ever get it. Just when you think you do, the
game jumps up and puts you into place.
BEN CRENSHAW

Golf is the cruelest of sports. Like life, it is unfair. It’s a harlot. A trollop. It leads you on. It never lives up
to its promises. It’s not a sport. It’s an obsession. A boulevard of broken dreams.
JIM MURRAY

Golf is more exacting than racing, cards, speculation or matrimony. In almost all other games you pit
yourself against a mortal foe; in golf it is yourself against the world….
ARNOLD HAULTAIN

The devoted golfer is an anguished soul who has learned a lot about putting just as an avalanche victim has
learned a lot about snow.
DAN JENKINS

The game is compelling, frustrating, fascinating, aggravating, and maddening, almost all at the same time.
J.P. RESNICK

… the golfer is a frustrated creature who spends life wrestling with the challenge of imposing the well-nigh
impossible upon the improbable.
PETER GAMMOND

Water holes are sacrificial waters where you make a steady gift of your pride and high-priced balls.
TOMMY BOLT

The most common mistake at St. Andrews is just turning up.

MARK JAMES

Hope is quickly followed by a despairing desire to break the whole set or spitefully to present them to a
friend, so that he may suffer.
SIR W.G. SIMPSON

Leading in the British Open, 1964: “Class, someone once said, is the ability to undergo pressure with grace.
So what did I do? I just did what comes naturally. I vomited.”
CHARLES PRICE

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry.
GARY PLAYER, B.1936

Hazards are like spices that a designer sprinkles on a course to give it flavor.
ROBERT TRENT JONES, B.1906

The fairway is a narrow strip of mown grass that separates two groups of golfers looking for lost balls in
the rough.
HENRY BEARD

The world’s worst golfer hit his ball into a monstrous bunker. “What club should I use now” he wailed to
the caddie. “What club you use isn’t important,” answered the young man. “Just take along plenty of food
and water”
STEVE KEUCHEL

Water creates a neurosis in golfers. The very thought of this harmless fluid robs them of their normal
powers of rational thought, turns their legs to jelly.
PETER DOBEREINER

It is possible to support a family of ten people (all adults) for five months on the money represented by the
balls lost by some golfers in a single afternoon.
GOLF DIGEST

The trouble that most of us find with the modern matched sets of clubs is that they don’t really seam to
know anymore about the game than the old ones did!
ROBERT BROWNING

Once bitten, it is akin to having your neck punctured in Transylvania – there is no known antidote.
MARTIN JOHNSON

When you fall in love with golf, you seldom fall easy: It’s obsession at first sight.
THOMAS BOSWELL (1797 – 1858)

My car absolutely will not run unless my golf clubs are in the trunk.
BRUCE BERLET

I love this game to death. It’s like a drug I have to have.

TIGER WOODS

Golf is not relaxation, golf is everything, golf is a philosophy, it’s a religion absolutely, I mean really
absolutely.
SIR BOB REID

When the ducks are walking, you know its too windy to play golf.
DAVE STOCKTON

It is to be feared all golfers are bores, more or less, to non-golfers. It seams that the most reticent of men on
other subjects no sooner takes to golf than eloquence descends upon him.
CLEEKE SHOTTE, FROM “THE GOLF CRAZE”

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims that he plays the game for exercise.
TOMMY BOLT

Drink, opium gambling – from the clutches of all these it is possible to escape, but never from golf, never!
Has anybody ever seen a man who gave up golf?
SIR HENRY RIDER HAGGARD (1856 – 1925)

Like other forms of compulsive behavior, for true golfaholics even nine holes are more than the should
attempt, yet 18 holes are not enough to satisfy their insatiable craving for humiliation and self-abuse.
MARK OMAN
Baseball, football, riding, polo, even lawn tennis abandon us or we abandon them as our wind gets shorter
and our bones more brittle. But once a golfer, you are wedded to the game for life.
H.J. WHIGHAM, FROM “THE AMERICAN GOLFER”

Golf is essentially one of those pursuits in which it is a hundred times better to have loved and lost than
never to have loved at all.
BERNARD DARWIN FROM “GOLF”

I’ll go on living as long as I can. I’ve got a few jokes for the box. If they raise the lid I’ll say a few words
on the way to the last hole.
BOB HOPE (1903 – 2003)