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1he Marrlage ManlfesLo:

1urnlng ?our World upslde uown

8y kelly M. llanagan, h.u.

#













The Marriage Manifesto: Turning Your World Upside Down
by Kelly M. Flanagan, Ph.D.
Copyright 2012 Kelly Flanagan, drkellyflanagan.com.
All rights reserved.
This manuscript is a Readers Copy.
First electronic edition to be published in the United States by
YourDigitalBook.com
Some parts of this book have appeared previously as blog posts
at drkellyflanagan.com.

Cover design by Kristin K. Vanden Hoek

You are welcome to use a short excerpt of this book for review
or critique purposes.

For more information and other queries, contact
drkellyflanagan@gmail.com.

$
CCn1Ln1S

Acknowledgments
Preface
Introduction: Consuming Marriage
Chapter 1: Marriage is for Losers
Chapter 1 !: Marriage is for Boundaries
Chapter 2: Insurrection in the Vows
Chapter 3: A Newlywed Uprising
Chapter 4: The Rebellious Way to Fight
Chapter 5: Revolution When the Loneliness Sets In
Chapter 6: A Rebellion for the Years of Familiarity
Chapter 7: An Uprising on Easy Street
Conclusion: Beyond Marriage
About the Author



%
AcknowledgmenLs

To my wifemy best friend and co-conspirator.
To my childrenwho have shown me that rebellion can be dignified.
To my friendsbecause every rebel needs a safe place to lick his wounds.
To my clientswhose courage inspires me to write.
And to youif it werent for your readership, this would be written in a
journal and stashed in my bedside table.


&
reface
I recently pulled Stephen Kings On Writing off the shelf. I
opened its pages to discover them warped and water-stained.
Mold had grown inside the cover. The book was fattened by
moisture long since evaporated. I scratched my head,
wondering when it had last rained in my office.

And then I remembered.

In the spring of 2004, my wife and I packed up all of our
belongings and our nine-month-old son in a small U-Haul,
and moved from State College, Pennsylvania, to a western
suburb of Chicago. We had completed our course work in
clinical psychology, and we were setting out to begin our
internships at two Chicago hospitals.

Chicago was having a rainy season, and the U-Haul roof had
a hole in it.

My books got the worst of it.

I remember that day clearly, because it was the first day of
the most difficult year of my life and the most painful year of
our marriage. My wife was commuting into the city at 6am
every day, arriving home near dark most nights. In between,
I was delivering and retrieving our son from daycare,
squeezing in my own internship, and trying to remain sane.

When your back is against the wall like thatwhen you have
no money (thankfully, the Chipotle restaurant manager
thought our kid was cute and gave us plenty of free food), no
time, no energy, and no way outyou have two choices: get
scared and run, or get angry and fight.
'
We fought.

In one of our deepest valleys, a door was slammed so hard in
our tiny, rented apartment that the frame was cracked right
out of the plaster.

My wife and I are pretty determined people, and our
marriage has always been number one. But I think there
were plenty of moments in that year when we wondered if we
could make it. The truth is we might not have, if we had
continued to expect our marriage to fulfill all of our hearts
desires.

The brown-tattered pages of On Writing are a reminder to
me.

They are a reminder of what can happen in our lives when we
remain determined to redeem the pain and to make the place
of suffering the birthplace of transformation. When we
decide we will trade in our competitive selves for a sacrificial
life. When we trade in divisive blame for a healing
compassion. When we trade in comfort for the long-hard
work of companionship. When we trade in our neediness for
service. When we trade in our strength and perfection for
weakness and vulnerability. When we trade in certainty for
wonder and mystery.

The pages of our lonely, painful stories may remain warped
and stained by our historywe cannot change the past. But
we can begin to write new, redemptive chapters in our life-
stories. And your marriage can be a beautiful new chapter.

Are you ready to write your story?

(
lnLroducLlon: Consumlng
Marrlage

Last year, Thanksgiving finally succumbed to Christmas.

For years, retailers in the United States seemed to respect
our day of gratitude. But then the consumer-creep began.
First, Door Buster deals had people standing in lines while
most of us were still in a turkey coma. Then, for several
years, midnight on Friday was the respected barrier
shopping and consuming were at the city gates, laying siege
to gratitude and satisfaction. And then last year, quietly,
without much fanfare, many stores simply opened up
Thanksgiving morning, with regular store hours.

The day of gratitude had officially been replaced by a day of
more.

A World Consuming Itself

Our world is a world bent on consuming itself.

We live in a consumer culture in which the value of
everything is assigned based upon what it will do for us. In
the animated film, The Lorax, this consumer mentality is
satirized when the villain begins to bottle and sell air. But
how satirical is it, really? I think the movie resonated with
millions because it hit awfully close to home (and, of course,
because Danny DeVito had a voice-over).

We swim our entire lives in these consumer waters, and we
become convinced that life is about getting what we want.
)
We are persuaded of this by advertisements for the new
gadget with a slightly higher resolution screen, by
supermarket aisles with fifty kinds of cereal in any flavor we
prefer, by clothing stores with twenty styles of blue jeans, by
six different coffee shops within a mile, by churches in which
we can choose the caffeinated drink of our choice to sip on
during the worship service in the style we prefer on the day
we want to attend.

As I write this, the world is anticipating with bated breath
the release of the iPhone 5. On the day it is released, millions
of consumers will stand in line and trade in perfectly good
in fact, greatphones in order to receive the newest product.
The new phone will cost hundreds of dollars. And Ill be
honest, if my current contract permitted it, Id be tempted to
join the lines.

How does this happen?

We have been convinced. Convinced we have a right to the
newest things, the best products, and any commodity that
will make us happy now. Convinced the world is meant to
provide us with what we want. Convinced we are entitled to
all the things we need. Even if it means we have to choke
down the turkey like its a speed-eating contest, so we can get
on with the buying.

And I think there is even worse news: Thanksgiving may
have succumbed to consumerism only recently, but marriage
succumbed to consumerism decades ago. Without even
knowing it, many of us have begun to experience marriage
like a product.



*
Consuming Our Partners

Everyone seems to have an opinion about marriage these
days. Heres mine:

I dont care if you are gay or straight, marrying for the first
time or the tenth, secular or religious, liberal or conservative,
Republican or Democrat, black or white or bothif your
marital relationship becomes tainted by the consumer
mentality, it will be torturous at best and doomed at worst.

If we approach our marriages like a commodity, we will
consume the most beloved person in our lives. We will
consume them in the same way we would consume any other
commodity. We will marry them because we expect them to
meet particular needs. We will expect to customize them
until they are able to do so. And if they ultimately fail to
serve their function, we will trade them in for a different
product.

Like the latest iPhone, about half of marriages get traded in
for a newer modela person with different features who we
think is more likely to satisfy us.

And we must not create artificial divisions along secular and
religious lines. Divorce rates are the same within the church
as outside of it. Perhaps the secular world is more proud of
its consumption and customization and exchangeability. But
people of faith seem to be living it while denying it.

Being Consumed By Love

The beauty and wisdom of marriage is precisely this: it
demands transformation for its very survival. And in these
days of entitled consumerism, the demand is great. For our
"+
marriages to survive, they must become the site of rebellion
against a commodity culture knit together by our narcissism
and selfishness. If our marriages are to survive and to thrive,
we must rebel against our role as the consumer, and we must
become the consumed.

We must be consumed by love.

The way our children love stands in stark contrast to the way
we have been encouraged to love by our global culture.
Whereas we love something based upon what we choose and
what it can do for us, our children love because love has
chosen them.

Every one of my children has had a beloved stuffed animal: a
ragged bear named Mimi, a tattered carnival prize called
Moaning Myrtle the Turtle, and a soiled rabbit named Fidel.
Three kids, and not one of them ever approached me and
said, Daddy, my stuffed animal just isnt doing it for me
anymore. I think its time to upgrade.

My children love their stuffed animals unconditionally. Not
because the animals are perfect and not because there are no
other alternatives. Our kids love their stuffed animals
because, in the cribbefore they were bombarded by a
consumer culture of commercials and store aisles and toy
cataloguesthey were consumed by love. They were
consumed by a deep and unconditional attachment and
commitment to this stuffed thing. And once we are
consumed by that kind of love, it becomes a stronghold
against the commodification of our loved ones.

Places of unconditional love in this commodified world are,
quite simply, pockets of uprising.

""
Marriage is a call to this kind of rebellious lovean
opportunity for souls to learn the insurrectional art of
unconditional love and sacrifice. It is a training grounda
rebel training camp for a people preparing to invade a
broken, aching world with a grace-filled love.

In these pages, we will sound the rebel call. Chapter 1 will
lay the groundwork, exploring the radical transformation
that occurs when we rebel against a competitive culture and
become sacrificial. Subsequent chapters will provide a
roadmap for rebellion at the various stages of marriage:

The wedding vows as rebellious, authentic
commitment (Chapter 2)
The newlywed years as an opportunity to trade in
self-protection for vulnerability (Chapter 3)
Inevitable periods of marital conflict as the way to
let go of our egos and find unity (Chapter 4)
Times of loneliness as the site of rebellion against
a culture of achievementand an opportunity to
become true companions (Chapter 5)
The long, familiar years of marriage as an
opportunity to trade in certainty for wonder and
mystery (Chapter 6)
The successes of marriage as the doorway out of
compulsive progress and into a life of gratitude
(Chapter 7)
Are you ready to live your marriage as a radical, redemptive
rebellion?
"#
ChapLer 1: Marrlage ls for Losers

!"# %#&#''()*+ ,-). /).0#1(1()* 1) 234-(5(4#

You can be right, or you can be married; take your pick.
I cant remember who told me that, but I do remember they
were only half-joking. The other half, the serious half, is
exceedingly important.
Marital therapy is complicated and messy. Couples usually
come to therapy because they are in pain and they are angry.
Trying to wade into that can feel completely out of control. In
the worst-case scenario, the therapist has front row seats to a
regularly scheduled prizefight. As a psychologist, I keep my
bearing amidst the chaos by fixing one simple principle in
mind: if marriage is going to work, it needs to become a
contest to see which spouse is going to lose the most, and it
needs to be a race that goes down to the wire.
Three Kinds of Marriage
When it comes to winning and losing, I think there are three
kinds of marriages. In the first kind of marriage, both
spouses are competing to win, and its a duel to the death.
Husbands and wives are armed with a vast arsenal, ranging
from fists, to words, to silence. These are the marriages that
destroy. Spouses destroy each other, and, in the process, they
destroy the peace of their children. In fact, the destruction is
so complete that research tells us it is better for children to
have divorced and amicable parents than warring parents.
These marriages account for most of the fifty percent of
marriages that fail, and then some.
The second kind of marriage is ripe with winning and losing,
but the roles are set, and the loser is always the same spouse.
"$
These are the truly abusive marriages, the ones in which one
spouse dominates, the other submits, and in the process,
both husband and wife are stripped of their dignity. These
are the marriages of addicts and enablers, tyrants and slaves,
and they may be the saddest marriages of all.
But there is a third kind of marriage.
The third kind of marriage is not perfect, not even close. But
a decision has been made, and two people have decided to
love each other to the limit, and to sacrifice the most
important thing of allthemselves. In these marriages,
losing becomes a way of life, a competition to see who can
listen to, care for, serve, forgive, and accept the other the
most. The marriage becomes a competition to see who can
change in ways that are most healing to the other, to see who
can give of themselves in ways that most increase the dignity
and strength of the other. These marriages form people who
can be humble and merciful and loving and peaceful.
And they are revolutionary, in the purest sense of the word.
A World of Would-Be Winners
We live in a world in which losing is the enemy. We wake up
to news stories about domestic disputes gone wrong. Really
wrong. We go to workplaces where everyone is battling for
the bosss favor and the next promotion, or we stay at home
where the battle for the Legos is just as fierce. Nightly, we
watch the talking heads on the cable news networks trying to
win the battle of ideas, although sometimes they seem quite
willing to settle for winning the battle of decibels. We fight to
have the best stuff, in the best name brands, and when we
finally look at each other at the end of the day, we fight,
because we are trained to do nothing else.
And, usually, we have been trained well. In the worst of
cases, we grew up fighting for our very survival, both
"%
physically and emotionally. But even in the best of situations,
we found ourselves trying to win the competition for our
parents attention and approval, for our peers acceptance,
and for the validating stamp of a world with one message:
win. And so, cultivating a marriage in which losing is the
mutual norm becomes a radically counter-cultural act.
To sit in the marital therapy room is to incite a rebellion.
A Second Grade Rebellion
What do these rebellious marriages look like?
When my blood is bubbling, when I just know Ive been
misunderstood and neglected, and Im ready to do just about
anything to convince and win what I deserve, I try to
remember a phone call we recently received from my sons
second grade teacher. She called us one day after school to
tell us there had been an incident in gym class. After a fierce
athletic competition, in which the prize was the privilege to
leave the gym first, my sons team had lost. The losers were
standing by, grumbling and complaining about second-grade
versions of injustice, as the victors filed past.
And thats when my son started to clap.
He clapped for the winners as they passed, with a big dopey
grin on his face and a smile stretched from one ear of his
heart to the other. His startled gym teacher quickly exhorted
the rest of his team to follow suit. So, a bunch of second
grade losers staged a rebellion, giving a rousing ovation for
their victorious peers, and in doing so, embraced the fullness
of what it can mean to be a loser. When Im seething, I try to
remember the heart of a boy, a heart that can lose graciously
and reach out in affection to the victors.

"&
A Marriage Rebellion
In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything
for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with a
heartache rather than a solution.
Its being even more present in the painful moments than in
the good times.
Its finding ways to be humble and open, even when
everything in you says that youre right and they are wrong.
Its doing what is right and good for your spouse, even when
big things need to be sacrificed, like a job, or a relationship,
or an ego.
It is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily.
It is eliminating anything from your lifeeven the things you
loveif they are keeping you from attending, caring, and
serving.
It is seeking peace by accepting the healthy but crazy-making
things about your partner because, you remember, those
were the things you fell in love with in the first place.
It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand
you, will never truly love you unconditionallybecause they
are a broken creature, tooand loving them to the end
anyway.
Transformed Losers
Maybe marriage, when its lived by two losers in a household
culture of mutual surrender, is just the training we need to
walk through this worlda world that wants to chew you up
and spit you outwithout the constant fear of getting the
short end of the stick. Maybe we need to be formed in such a
way that winning loses its glamour, so we can sacrifice the
competition in favor of people. Maybe what we need, really,
"'
is to become a bunch of losers in a world that is being torn
apart by the competition to win. If we did that, maybe wed
be able to sleep a little easier at night, look our loved ones in
the eyes, forgive and forget, and clap for the people around
us.
I think that in a marriage of losers, a synergy happens and all
of life can explode into a kind of rebellion that is brighter
than the sun. The really good rebellionsthe ones that last
and make the world a better placeare like that, arent they?
They heal, they restore. They are big, and they shine like the
sun. And, like the sun, their gravitational pull is almost
irresistible.
"(
ChapLer 1 x: Marrlage ls for
8oundarles

,-). ,#3- 1) 6)-1"(*#77

In March of 2012, the chapter you just read took a trot
around the globe in a slightly different form: a blog post of
the same title. The post was shared more than 45,000 times
on Facebook and received over 300 comments. Most of the
comments were enthusiastic and encouraging. But one
particular comment thread had a potent energy. These
comments all amounted to a single question: But what if Im
in a Type 2 marriage, and Im always the loser?

The answer to that question is critically important. And it
will determine how you should read the rest of this book.

The Loneliness Problem and the Dating
Solution

Almost from the womb, we are faced with the problem of
loneliness. Around the age of six months, we develop a
subjective self; we become aware that we are separate from
other creatures. With this subjective sense of separation
comes a sense of loss. As we enter the terrible twos we
learn more about this separateness: we can lie and defy and
this brings a certain freedom. Yet implicit in the freedom is
an increasing awareness that I am entirely independent.

I am alone.

")
We become terrified of this loneliness. Dark bedrooms and
boogie monsters and playground anxiety and new schools
and no one who understands and countless ways of feeling
abandoned. But then our adolescence rolls around, and we
discover a solution to our loneliness.

Its called dating.

We discover that our romantic partners shine light into the
dark places of our isolation. Our boyfriends and girlfriends
are one with us. And so we cling to them. People call them
crushes, but we know the truth: we feel like we cannot exist
without them. We decide this is the way out of the loneliness
and fear.

All this is well and good. Normal development. Natural.
Unless we are also ashamed.

The Shame Problem and the Codependent
Solution

This is the real problem: most of us carry a lot of shamethe
belief that, at our core, we are not good enough. In the midst
of our loneliness, we came to believe that our loneliness was
our own fault. We were trained to believe that we are
unworthy of love and belonging and connection. With
calloused or preoccupied parents and indifferent teachers
and abusive peers, we were trained to believe we are
unworthy of relationship.

And so this ghost of shame lurking in the depths of our soul
always has a death whisper on its tongue, and it goes like
this: Who would want you?

"*
We are terrified of loneliness and convinced we are damaged
goods. So, when someone takes us inwhen a boyfriend or
girlfriend or husband or wife actually commits to uswe
decide we will do anything to maintain the relationship.
Even if it means sacrificing our self-respect and dignity and
right to be treated humanely. We drop our boundaries
completely and take on all the responsibility for apologizing,
sacrificing, affirming, and being generous and supportive.

I think we all carry some shame and we are all seeking to
solve it in some way: through popularity or achievement or
by constantly seeking the winners circle. We all engage in
some sacrifice of healthy boundaries, even if it is simply
sacrificing healthy sleep patterns in favor of work and the
hope of accolades. However, for the Type 2 loser, the
sacrifice of dignity in the hopes of maintaining a relationship
becomes a daily shame-management practice and marriage
is the playing field.

A Different Kind of Redemptive Event

We sometimes dress this up as being sacrificial or loving or
giving, but in fact its just plain abusive. And the Type 2
loser is the one being abused. If that describes you, this
book may frustrate you. You will find yourself cursing under
your breath, I do all this stuff, and she still never changes.
Or, I do all that stuff, and he still rages and ignores me.

But I want you also to know this: for the Type 2 loser,
marriage is still a redemptive event. However, the
redemption is not about learning how to maintain a
relationship or care for your partner. You are a professional
at that.

#+
In your case, marriage is about beginning to believe in your
own worthiness. Redemption will look like you reading the
rest of this book and deciding that, finally, it is time for
someone to sacrifice for you.

It will begin with facing your fear of loneliness, embracing
the truth that loneliness is a part of life and not your fault.
You will learn the art of being alone and you will discover
you are worthy, even if no one is around. Believing you are
worthy, you will find places in the world to which you
belongpeople who value you and are willing to sacrifice for
you. They will accept your imperfections and shower you
with grace in your mess. And as you enter into all of this, you
will begin to learn the fine art of balancing love and sacrifice
with good boundaries and self-respect.

So, dear Reader, if this is you, read this book with a new
vision. Give it to the people in your life who need to hear it.
And if the ghosts are lurking and their whispers are loud,
give yourself the grace of finding a therapist. But not a
marital therapist. Find a therapist to see you individually.
Make a courageous stand and face into all your shame and
sense of unworthiness. Do it with someone well-trained to
lead you through it, not with your spouse whose lifestyle is
dependent upon you not changing.

If you do this, your marriage may thrive. Or it may end. But
one thing is for sure: nothing will ever be the same.

And that kind of redemption will be very good. Very, very
good.



#"
ChapLer 2: lnsurrecLlon ln Lhe
vows

,-). 2#'58231(75341()* 1) /)..(1.#*1

I love purchasing from Amazon.
Why?
Because if I dont like what I get, they make it so easy to
return. Amazon has built its reputation upon quick
purchases, fast delivery, and easy returns. Is Amazon unique
in this? I dont think so. They have simply and effectively
tapped into the cultural zeitgeist.
We can walk away from mortgages as if our houses are old
tents at a campground. Employers treat new hires like
theyre trying out for the high school baseball teammiss the
numbers for one quarter and youre instantly replaced.
People move in and out of commuter neighborhoods like
theyre Red Roof Inns. We shop churches like malls, moving
from one to another when newer and shinier products are
offered.
In this world of exchangeability and transience, our
commitment muscles have atrophied. In a world of
customization and customer satisfaction, the hard-endless
work of committing to one thing may have become too
excruciating to endure.
,-. /0112034 25 -6 47849:26-;
Half of first-time marriages end in divorce. The odds of
survival are the flip of a coin. We go from the tranquil
confidence of the wedding day vow to the violence of the
##
courtroom battle, because our marital commitments are a
faade. I think at the wedding altar, many of usprobably
half of usare making a consumer commitment, not a
marriage commitment.
Ill prove it to you.
A Smile or a Grimace?
Watch them.
He stands waiting. Brow glistening. His friends lined up
behind him like faithful penguins. And the doors open and
she appears radiant and bathed in white and she begins to
glide toward him and her face is like the sun. And his smile
widens and now his eyes are glistening.
With a blessing from her father, their hands are joined and
they turn to face the person who will walk them through the
ritual, joining them forever. The questions are asked.
Do you take this man to be your husband?
Do you take this woman to be your wife?
For better or worse?
And, from both, I do.
Watch them. Watch closely.
Something is off. They make this for-better-or-worse
promise, this eternal commitment of their hearts, this gutsy-
courageous vow to remain through anythingheartache and
a lost baby and a house fire and joblessness and sickness and
pestilence and even death. And how do they make this
promise? With a smile. In fact, they look downright relieved.
Watch them closely, because they are finalizing their marital
commitment with the kind of smile you would wield while
making a 1-Click purchase on Amazon.
#$
The Commitment Deception
If our wedding day vow isnt really a for-better-or-worse
commitment, what is it?
Maybe when we make our for-better-or-worse vow, we arent
even speaking to our partner. Maybe we are actually
speaking to our own hearts, whispering to ourselves a subtle
reassurance: Theyre mine now. No matter what I do or
dont do, I cant mess this up now. I wont be abandoned.
I think this could be the unspoken underbelly of the marital
vow. Its why we smile with relief when we make the forever-
promise. Our hearts arent actually entering into the
demanding task of life-long commitment. Our hearts are
anticipating assurance and certainty and the stability for
which we so deeply long.
And when commitment is experienced as an event that has
already happenedan event that brings us reassurance and
guaranteesrather than the work of our lives, it is fatal to
marriage. Because when it doesnt work out that way, we will
do what we do with any other purchase: get a return label
and send it back.
Why You Should Treat Your Marriage
Like a Business
If we are to rebel against the consumer-commitment that is
undermining our marriages, we have to annihilate our
consumer vision of commitment and reconstruct the marital
commitment from the ground up.
Commitment is not a sentiment we vow; its a discipline we
live. We dont promise commitment; we practice it.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe if we want to
radically re-envision our marital commitment, we should
#%
treat our marriages like a business.
Or approach them the way we would the PTA or the kids
guitar lessons or our blogs and other social commitments.
With focus and intentionality and regularity.
Can you imagine investing your entire lifes savings into a
business, opening the doors, and then sitting back and
heaving a sigh of relief, as if the hard work is already done? It
would spell doom for the business.
And yet, in the most valuable endeavor of our lives, as the
moment of the wedding day vow fades into memory, we
abandon intentionality in our marriages. The birthday
flowers no longer get purchased, the kids get a hug on the
way out the door but your spouse doesnt, your time together
is focused on others rather than each other, and your energy
is given away to every other priority.
I think this is actually a key secret to the success of marital
therapy. As a marital therapist, Im not doing anything
miraculous. I dont often have a bunch of cards up my
sleeveno magic. But I do provide a dedicated space, an
hour of intentionality every week. An hour to face each other
and to say in words and action, You matter, we matter, this
is my first priority right now. An hour a week to slow down,
to communicate meticulously, to go deeper into the most
important parts of our hearts, and to rediscover the promise
of the wedding altar.
This kind of intentionality is hard work, but the muscles of
our love are starving for the exercise. They need to be
stretched and torn and to become stronger in the healing.


#&
Living the Vow and Reclaiming
Commitment
We need to withdraw some of the intentionality we are
putting into everything else, and we need to reinvest it in our
most valuable assetour marriages. We need to take at least
two weekends a year to ourselves, away from kids and
phones and dinner dishes. And one date night a month. And
one morning per week, waking before the birds (and the
kids) to sip coffee in the dark and light the flame of
commitment.
If we invested in our marriages with this kind of
intentionality, our marriage vows would become powerful
again. Because they would be lived again and again, day after
day, and year after year.
And our vows would be accompanied by an entirely different
kind of smile. Not one of relief. But a smile of joy. A smile
that acknowledges the most grueling work of life has begun.
That the commitment will be hard. But it will be good. And it
will strengthen our souls, making us people who can live and
love and persevere.
For better or worse.

#'
ChapLer 3: A newlywed uprlslng

,-). 2#'589-)1#41()* 1) :;'*#-3&('(1<

Not so long agoas my wife was ambushing me with her
brilliance and her beauty and our kids were still beyond
imaginingI was a young, eager, graduate student and
researcher at Penn State University. And I was determined to
unearth the secrets to marital bliss. More than one hundred
couples participated in my dissertation research, and I
watched hundreds of hours of videotaped arguments
between spouses who had been married for less than a year.
And I was shocked by what I observed.
Although the marriages had just begunthe taste of wedding
cake had barely faded from their tonguesthe conversations
revealed that every spouse was already blaming their partner
for inflicting deep wounds upon them. I was confused and
intrigued. These were newlywed couplesthe lifespan of the
marriage was too short to have already produced the depth
of wounds these spouses were ascribing to each other.
So, what was going on?
Another Marriage Deception
As it turns out, we begin our marriages with a fundamental
deception: although we outwardly claim to begin a new story
on our wedding day, we are actually entering the marriage
with the already-oozing wounds of a life lived amongst
broken people. The wounds may be bandaged or disguised or
anesthetized, and we may not even be aware of them
ourselves.
So, we begin our marriages with a lie of omission.
#(
Inevitably, though, when the honeymoon tan has faded and
the challenge of day-to-day loving has begun, the person to
whom we have so recently pledged eternal allegiance begins
to rub up against our wounds. Unknowingly, they pour salt
on the wounds of a lifetime. And as the wounds are rubbed
raw, we howl with the pain. We begin to blame, and we
unwittingly enter into another liewe tell our partners they
have caused our wound, and we lay the full responsibility for
its healing at their feet.
But it simply isnt true.
The Wounds of a Lifetime
Our life-stories dont begin with the sliding-on of rings or
that first dance or the mashing of cake in each others faces.
Our stories begin in the vulnerable years of infancy and
childhood and adolescence. By the time you utter your
marriage vows, people have been writing the wounds of your
story upon you for a very long time. And so we carry with us
into marriage the wounds inflicted by the people we
cherished the mostmothers and fathers, grandparents,
brothers and sisters, best friends and high school
sweethearts and lovers.
Most of the wounds were unintentionalwounds inflicted by
broken people doing the best they could. We may have been
raised in peaceful families with little conflict, where the bills
got paid and there was always food on the table, but no one
ever expressed how they felt about you and no one ever
seemed to see youso you enter into marriage with a deep
need for affirmation and attentiveness and a sense of
belonging. Other wounds were carved deep, with malice and
the desire to do violence. We may have had our stories told
by the vicious voices of our peers, or by parents who subtly
invaded every area of life, or by authority figures who left no
room for freedom or choiceso you come to marriage with
#)
an aching need to be treated gently, or to have your
worthiness affirmed, or to be granted ample freedom and
space within your relationship.
But regardless of how the wounds got there, they hurt.
And the more a wound hurts, the more we protect it. We
protect it because our wounds are our vulnerability. Our
wounds expose us and reveal the painful fullness of the
stories we have lived. Blaming our spouses is less painful
than wading into the origins of the wound itself, and it is
certainly less risky than explaining and exposing our
vulnerability to our new life partner. So, we protect our
wounds with blame and contempt and bitterness and angry
demands for healing. But in the process, we become enslaved
to the wound and to the cycle of blame.
Freedom in Confession
Freedom from the wound and the blame can only be found in
confession. Confession is the redemption of blame and
invincibility.
The couples who transform my psychotherapy office into a
confession booth are the marriages that find healing.
They confess the lie, first to themselves and then to their
partner. Although this kind of honesty can be terrifying, they
do the gutsy-courageous thing, and they trade in blame for
vulnerability. They become story-tellers, sharing the fullness
of their own stories and the depth of their life-long wounds.
They confess that the needs they brought into the marriage
were born in a particular relationship at a particular stage of
life, and they share the ache of a wound that may never be
fully healed, because the people who originally inflicted the
wound cant (or wont) be a part of healing it. They quit
demanding for their partner to bestow a healing word or a
corrective action. Instead, with fear and trembling, they
#*
enter into the vulnerability of a powerless request for a
graceful love.
The power of this kind of confession is transformational, no
matter where it happens.
I remember witnessing this kind of confession. In my living
room. I stay home with my kids on Fridays and, invariably,
while Im grilling the cheese sandwiches for lunch, the
playful, other-room noises of my four-year-old son and two-
year-old daughter morph into a wail of injustice and hurt.
After one particularly loud wail, I walked in to find Quinn
standing over Caitlin, and he was holding something pink.
You dont have to watch CSI to dissect what had happened:
There was a fight for something and the smaller kid got
knocked down. I looked at Quinn, and his chin jutted out so
far I was surprised he didnt fall over. His eyes got hard and
defiant and his protest began. I struggled to stay calm, I
looked at him, and I asked for the truth.
And my broken, hurting, lovely son confessed.
The chin went from jutting to trembling, the eyes went from
hard to wet, and the sadness welled up in his voice, a soft-
choking confessionDaddy, I'm sorry, I pushed her
because it isnt fair that I have to share my stuff but you
never make her share hers. Quinn confessed the wound of a
middle child, living sandwiched in unfairnessDaddy, heres
my wound, and Im sorry about the ways I try to heal it
with demands and violence.
And do you know what happens when a confession like that
takes place? Quinn tumbled into my arms, and Caitlin got up
and hugged him, and we walked out of the room together.
From Disconnection to Vulnerability
When confession happens, the relationship explodes with
$+
honesty and authenticity and vulnerability and tenderness
and connectedness. And the act of confession becomes an
event of transformation. The shame of our wounds loses its
power to bind us and isolate us. The walls we build around
ourselves are torn down and our broken places become a
place of connectedness, instead of places of wounded hiding.
We become creatures set free to live and to love. We become
fractured creatures sutured together into a beautiful new
creation. It doesnt look perfect, but it looks like the brilliant
paradox of two remaining two, yet becoming one.
I think it's time to turn the verbal boxing rings of our living
rooms and bedrooms into confessional booths. This kind of
honesty would be revolutionary in our world in which
invincibility is king, confession is an invitation for a lawsuit,
blame is the fabric of politics and religion and kitchen table
debates, and vulnerability is thought of as weakness.
If, as newlyweds, we entered into the vulnerability of a
confessional way of life, what kind of stories would we tell a
world mired in isolation and loneliness? I think we would tell
stories of a selfless love and of a redemptive, healing
connectedness.
So, are you ready to be revolutionary? Will you dare to be
vulnerable?


$"
ChapLer 4: 1he 8ebelllous Way
Lo llghL

,-). =>) 1) ?*(1<

When the conflict arrives in our marriages, why is becoming
a rebellious loser so painful? Why is it so difficult to forsake
the competition in favor of sacrifice? I think its because of
this little thing we call an ego. It defines us as a person. And
our competitive world has convinced us that to be worthy as
a person, we have to be right. Which means everyone else
needs to be wrong.
Fighting to Keep Our Egos Alive
Several years ago, a couple sat down in my office and told me
theyd been fighting viciously since their last appointment. I
asked what theyd been fighting about, and I silently flipped
through my mental filing cabinet: in-laws, the kids, money,
sex, or just fighting about fighting?
Not much surprises me anymore, but what they said next
caught me completely off-guard.
We fought about the color of your coffee mug.
The color of my coffee mug.
He insisted it was purple. She insisted it was blue.
Actually, the mug is both depending upon how the light hits
it and your personal perceptions of color. And yet they had
been embroiled in a weeklong battle. Arguing a point that
doesnt have an answer. Seeking victory in a game that
cannot yield a victor. Trying to solve a problem with no
definitive solution.
$#
The Insanity of Marriage
We live our marriages in this way. We make this crazy-
strange commitment to entwine our life with anothers life.
Forever. And we quickly come to discover the insanity of
this. We think and communicate differently than our
partner. We celebrate holidays differently. We grieve
differently. We vacation differently. We have differences of
opinion about life and love and parenting and politics and
faith.
And the color of a coffee mug.
But instead of deciding the problem lies between us, we
decide the problem exists within our partner. We blame
them for the differences, and the struggle, and the pain, and
the messiness of life. And our homes become a battlefield, as
we try to fix the problem we are married to. At best, wives
walk on eggshells trying not to wake the sleeping giant, and
husbands sneak around like little boys trying not to get
caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
How do we rescue our marriages from this endless cycle of
blame and conflict? How do we find sanity in the midst of
this crazy commitment?
With Each Other
When I was in high school, </0328 4=4 965:415> were all the
rage. They were posters of apparently random and chaotic
color. Except, if you stared into them long enoughstared
past themthe colors collided into coherence, and an image
emerged from the randomness. Something meaningful
emerged from the chaos.
I think if we expect to reclaim marriage from a culture of
consumerism, it will have to begin with an entirely different
perspective of the marriage altar itself. We will have to look
$$
at it like a magic eye poster.
We need to stare past the glitz and glamour of the wedding
day, stare past the false promise of life-long satisfaction and
personal gratification, stare past the false hope of turning
chaos into order with the exchange of two metal rings. And
as we look more deeply into the marriage altar, we may
glimpse a new image emerging from the randomness and
chaos.
We may see the wedding altar for what it is: an altar of
sacrificea place our egos are meant to die.
If we look long enough, and if we can embrace this image of
the wedding altar, we may yet have a fighting chance of
standing with our partner, rather than constantly facing off
against them. As our egos dieand our need to be right and
powerful and safe dies with themwe may become free to
embrace a radical kind of acceptance.
We may be free to accept:
Our spouse is another flawed creature, with whom we are
trying to solve the real problem of life and living.
Our lives are stressful and chaotic and sometimes no one is
to blame for it.
Our partner is not responsible for taking away all of our
loneliness and inadequacy.
The redemption of this life is not found in being right, but
rather in being together.
Against the World
I wonder if this is the purpose of marriage:
That couples might transform marriage into an entirely
different kind of ground zero. That armies of married people
$%
might stand side-by-side and march out into the world,
armed with a sense of unity, a willingness to sacrifice
themselves for something bigger, and a commitment to love
others regardless of the cost to ourselves. That we might
decide, finally, to find an enemy worth fighting against.
Enemies like hunger and homelessness and parentlessness,
and conflict itself.
Tonight, one in seven people on this planet will go to bed
hungry.
Tonight, in the wealthiest country in the world, more than a
million people will be without shelter.
In the time it took you to read this chapter, approximately
fifteen African children became AIDS orphans.
In 2012, a record-setting 275 Chicagoans had been
murdered. By the beginning of summer. Primarily due to
gang violence. Says one Chicago police officer, "Instead of a
bullet with somebody's name on it, we have a bullet that
reads 'To whom it may concern.'
And yet, tonight we will go to bed with our backs to each
other, fighting about who started the fight, who is most
responsible for the kids disrespect, or who left the toilet seat
up.
Or the color of a coffee mug.
Lets stop blaming each other, and lets find an enemy worth
fighting against. Lets put our egos to death, and lets stand
with our spouses.
Somewhere right now, there is a person, not so different than
you, with an empty stomach and empty pockets. Or a family
with no support, and no place to lay their heads. Or a kid
dying for a story to live and a set of parents who will narrate
it for her. Or a teenager with no authority figure except his
$&
gang and his gun.
The world is aching for people who have learned the freedom
of unity and compassion, who are ready to wield them like
weapons, firing salvos of love into dark and crumbling
places.
And in the midst of the training, may you learn that your
partner is not an enemy combatant. You may come to know
them as another freedom fighter, one who will always have
your back, one who will never leave you alone in the
trenches.
$'
ChapLer 3: 8evoluLlon When Lhe
Lonellness SeLs ln

,-). @44)'3A#7 1) /).03*()*7"(0

Psychologists have a catalogue of disorders. Its called the
DSM, and its thicker than a Bible. But one disease is not
listed, and its one that destroys marriages. Its called
loneliness. It corrupts marriages. But it may also be the
answer to saving them.

A Kid Named Lonely

I want to tell you about a kid named Lonely. The kid is
genderless and ageless and all-of-us.

Hes the little boy curled up in his dark bedroom, listening to
the yelling in the kitchen below. Shes the little girl growing
up in a house with vacant eyes and big, distracted people.

Lonely is the kid on the playground, staring at all the
impenetrable huddles of his peers.

Lonely is the boy waiting in the drizzle for the ride that isnt
coming.

Lonely is the girl whose boyfriend sees her body but not her
heart.

Lonely is three touchdowns on Friday night and no one sober
enough to share it with.

$(
Lonely is the growing man in a freshman dorm, surrounded
by noise and scared to death.

Lonely is the new employee on her first day at a new job,
sitting in a bustling cafeteria at a table of one.
Lonely is the earnest effort to reveal your heart to another,
and confusion on the face of the person you love.

As long as you are human and breathing, there is a little
lonely kid with big eyes and a trembling heart somewhere
inside of you.

Our Loneliness Crutches

Loneliness hurts. Like a badly sprained ankle. We may not
be aware of it until we stand on ituntil we try to live and
loveand then the pain shoots through us. A few torn
ligaments in your ankle and theres no way around ityou
will need crutches.

Our loneliness works the same way.
But our loneliness-crutches arent made of wood. In Chapter
1 ! we explored the ways dating and marriage can be used
as loneliness crutches. But as I mentioned in that chapter, we
are all dealing with loneliness and shamewe are all leaning
on a loneliness crutch of one kind or another. And in a
Hollywood-is-Eden culture, our loneliness crutches are often
constructed of popularity, sex, and achievement.

We think we can fill up the lonely places inside of us with a
crowd. We seek popularity and numbers. We join the
basketball team or the cheerleading squad. We act tough and
attract a following. We collect a billion friends on Facebook.
$)
But we ultimately discover the lonely space is infinite, and no
crowd is big enough to fill it.

We think we can erase the loneliness problem with sex. At
the moment of orgasm, most people will describe a sense of
oneness with their sexual partner, even if they dont know
their name. The distinction between self and other is erased
and our loneliness is obliterated. For a moment. But by the
time we wake up, our psychic walls have returned and we are
lonely again. So, we become dependent on the sexual
experience for connection. We turn our partners into
machinesdispensers of onenessand when they fail to do
so we go looking elsewhere.

We think we can conquer our loneliness with achievement.
As lonely little boys and girls, we look around and the
winners seem to be saturated with attention and adoration.
So, we find something to conquer. We seek fame and wealth
and accolades. Yet, when the admiration rolls in, the
loneliness seems bigger than ever. We end up with big jobs
and big houses and an even bigger hole gaping in our hearts.

The Marriage Crutch

We do our best to solve our loneliness problem, but our best
efforts leave us even more alone than before. So, what do we
do next?

We marry one person!

We invest all of our resources into one product that will
remove our sense of isolationa spouse. We expect one
person to take away all of our loneliness. We try to be the
cool kid in the marriage, or we expect our daily fix of sex, or
we bring home the bacon or care for the home meticulously
$*
and think we have, finally, earned the companionship that
will annihilate our loneliness.

But if the many cant heal our loneliness, how can the one?

The answer?

They cant.

Despite our best efforts, we will come to discover that, in this
life, our loneliness can never be taken away completely. But
the hopelessness of this possibility seems too much to
endure, so instead we blame. We accuse our spouses of being
defective. We get bitter and angry and resentful.

And in the process, we make our loneliness complete.

The Loneliness Un-Solution

Marriage is not meant to be the place where our loneliness is
taken away. Its meant to be the place where we reveal our
loneliness to another.

Its not the place we eradicate our loneliness; its the place we
share it with someone else. We confess our loneliness to our
partner and we hear their confession of loneliness. In this
way, marriage is the place we feel a little less alone in the
world because we discover were not the only one feeling
alone in the crowd.

And the healing is in this: once you have made your
loneliness available to your partner, you will no longer need
to fix it. You will be able to touch it without fear and despair.
You will be hopeless to fix it, but filled with the hope that
comes from being joined in it.
%+
And this is love. Real love is not adolescent romance made
eternal. Real love is two souls, lonely by nature and nurture,
caring enough for themselves and each other to make their
loneliness tangible to the other. No more crowds, no more
sexual plunder, no more achievement. Just the courage of a
naked vulnerability. The grace of two souls holding each
other gently in their loneliness.

Isnt the world desperate for this kind of light, this kind of
communion?

Isnt this the way we learn to minister to a world with big
eyes and trembling hearts?

As the long years of marriage roll out ahead of you, you will
find yourselves in valleys of loneliness. Its inevitable. But
rather than a valley of despair, may it become a place of
companionship, and may you take that kind of radical love
into a humanity that is hanging on to hope by the thinnest of
threads.




%"
ChapLer 6: A 8ebelllon for Lhe
?ears of lamlllarlLy

,-). /#-13(*1< 1) 6)*A#-

As I write these words, my head is filled with questions.
What will people think of this book? Will it be a complete
disaster? Will anyone even read this far, or will it be sitting
lonely and untouched in the Kindle cloud?

How do I guarantee its success? What words will capture the
hearts of people? My mind ponders these questions and my
heart craves answers. Because the answers to these questions
will make publishing my first eBook a safe experience. It will
turn this vulnerable adventure into a thing with guarantees.
This is what answers and solutions do for us.

They make us feel safe.

A World Under Control

From the womb, we are immersed in a world seeking
solutions and the illusion of certainty and safety. Before we
were born, our parents were purchasing the safest, most
disaster-proof crib on the market. They were installing plugs
in the light sockets and putting mouth-sized things in
cupboards out of reach.

And the world knows we will pay an awful lot to purchase a
feeling of certainty and safety. From the moment we earned
our first paycheck, businesses were selling us the solutions
they create. So we have become convinced that iPhones are
%#
the answer to our disconnectedness, or that a particular
neighborhood is the answer to our childrens education and
future. Or we eat kale and expensive vitamins and we think
we have found the answer for perfect health. ?1 @4 54::A4 6- 0
901:28BA01 14A2326- 61 :C46A63=D 56 @4 @6-E: C0F4 :6 @6-.41
0-=/614;
We can purchase a sense of certainty and safety. For a while.
But, inevitably, something happens: an accident, or a
diagnosis, or an affair. Or maybe nothing happens, and we
simply notice the gnawing sense of unease has returnedthe
questions are back, and we resume our desperate scramble
for answers.
As it turns out, solutions do not bring the peace and freedom
for which we are so desperately searching.
Marriages Under Control
Yet we live our marriages like they are meant to be solved.
When it comes to marriage, we all seem to be craving a final
solutionwe think were loving our spouses when actually
we are constantly trying to solve them.
We try to solve our spouses by believing we can fully
comprehend their interior lives. We convince ourselves we
know what they think and how they feel and why they are
reacting in a certain way.
We look at our wifes mother or our husbands father, and we
see the similarities, and we believe we know the end of our
partners story before it is even written. And so we go about
writing it for them.
We form expectations about what they will say during
conflict, and we end up responding more to the little
imaginary spouse in our head than to the life-size, wondrous,
mysterious person in front of us.
%$
We even come to marital therapy and believe it is an event
with a conclusion; we think it too is a process that resolves.
We hope we will find the Promised Land of marital bliss.
But approaching marriage in this way is devastating to the
people we love.
The dictionary defines the word resolve like this: to settle
or find a solution to a problem; to break into component
parts; to disintegrate.
When we try to make our partners less messy, when we seek
a final understanding of who they are, we disintegrate them.
We take the awesome, breathtaking complexity of a whole
creature with an infinite interior world, and we fragment
them into something less than they are.
From Control to Mystery

Last Spring, I was in the kitchen one evening finishing the
dinner dishes, when my eight-year-old son Aidan walked
into the room. He was wearing a flannel bathrobe, with
eyeglasses slightly askew, and he was holding a book about
the 9/11 terrorist attacks (parenting fail?).

A little gray hair and a pipe, and he might have been an
elderly man enjoying his retirement.
Of course, what came out of his mouth only added to the
effect. He said, Daddy, the thing I love about God is that the
more you think about him, the more questions you have. And
I love questions and mysteries.
Out of the mouths of babes.
His words ruptured methey were truth and art and
revelation, and they took my breath away. But even more
than the words themselves, I was struck by the sense of
%%
peace and freedom with which they were uttered.
As it turns out, peace and freedom come when we relinquish
the safety of certainty and embrace the wonder of mystery.
From Solutions to Wonder
Perhaps, if we could let go of trying to arrive in a place of
knowing our spouse, we might become free to engage in the
ongoing event of coming to know our spouse.
We might enter into their mystery.
When we stand on the threshold of mystery, we will be afraid
at first, because it feels chaotic and dangerous. But if we can
stay there, if we can dip our toe into the waters of mystery,
we may be transformed.
We may become like children again.
My three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, recently entered the
why stage. She asks the question, Why? with impunity.
And in the end, with dimples popping and a glimmer in her
eye, she always answers herself in this way: Because thats
the way it is supposed to be.
That answer is enough for her.
Shes not asking the question in order to find the answer
shes asking because her eyes are opening up to a vast,
glorious world, and her questions are an expression of
wonder in the mystery of it all. Her questions dont require
answers. They only require asking.
Mysterious Marriages
How might we enter into this kind of mystery and revel in it?
I think we can begin by dipping our toes into the on-going,
unsolvable mystery of the people to whom weve committed
our lives. I think our marriages could be a training ground
%&
for a people learning to revel in the mystery. Because the
truth is, we are all walking mysteries, even to ourselves. If we
can never fully know our own depths, how can we expect to
fully comprehend the depths of another? Our husbands and
wives are bottomless mysteries that defy solving, and we are
left no choice but to live in their mystery.
If we could embrace our spouses as a mystery, we would
realize that when our spouses say to us, You dont know
me, they arent actually asking for us to figure them out
they dont want to be solved like a puzzle. They are hoping
we will step into the complicated and messy process of
connecting with them, and they are hoping we will make it
the endless work of our lives.
Lately, Ive been encouraging couples to stop looking for
solutions to their marital problems. Ive been encouraging
them to quit trying to clean up the mess of marriage by
organizing their spouse into known parts. Instead, Ive been
encouraging them to wade knee-deep into the glorious
catastrophe of two souls pledged to each other for life.
If our marriages could become that kind of racea race that
forsakes the finish line and seeks only the messy joy of the
marathonI think we would transform our running
partners: they would cease to be dis-integrated problems to
be solved, and they would become never-ending mysteries
with infinite value and dignity and freedom.
And we might be transformed into a childlike people, trading
the safe harbor of feeble, temporary answers for the
vulnerability and wonder of endless questions. I think we
might live our relationships and our lives soaked in the
freedom and peace of a child discovering. We might stare
entranced at a spider web and wonder at its complexity. We
might look at a night sky and marvel at the vastness. We
%'
might look into the rebellious eyes of our child and melt at
the mysterious universe behind them.

We might trade in the violence of certainty for the awe-
inspiring peace of the mystery, and in doing so we may
unleash freedom in our marriages, and in our families, and
in our friendships, and in a world being held captive by the
need for certainty.

And the mess of marriage would remain a mess. But it would
become a mysterious mess in which we can joyfully make
our home.

%(
ChapLer 7: An uprlslng on Lasy
SLreeL"

,-). /).0;'7(B# 9-)>-#77 1) C-31(1;A#

Last autumn, for our tenth wedding anniversary, my wife
and I returned to our epicenterthe place we met and fell in
love and got married and had our first childState College,
Pennsylvania. I suppose we could have taken a cruise in the
Bahamas, or tasted wine for a week in Napa, or searched for
romance in Paris. But we chose to return to a little university
town buried in the hills of Appalachia.

Why?

Because I think we all need to be reminded where we began.
In fact, I think our marriages depend upon it.

A World Consumed by Progress

Our world does not value the place we began. Our world is
aching for deliverance from the struggle and pain in which
we are mired, and its rushing to find that deliverance in
progress. We are willing to sacrifice almost anythingour
ideals, the environment, the well-being of future
generationson the altar of the next great technological
advance or the most expedient way to make a dollar.

The world spins on its axis and it spins us with all sorts of
frenetic questions: Whats your plan? What are your long-
term goals? How much did you get done? How can we work
faster, be more efficient, and get to the next level? And these
%)
questions define our worth. Everything is headed
somewhere, and if you arent headed somewhere with your
hair on fire, youll be left behind.

We absorb this obsession with progress, and our marriages
and families are not spared. Never satisfied with where we
are, we seek better jobs, bigger homes, more prestigious
schools, and earlier retirement. But if our marriages are to
satisfy, they must be a sanctuary from this kind of
compulsive progress. We must find a way to anchor our
souls in the things we knew about our spouses on our
honeymoon.

I know what youre thinking. Isnt this some kind of
Pollyanna-rose-colored-glasses view of marriage? Hasnt this
manifesto been arguing that marriages are sunk by exactly
this kind of idealism?

But here Im not talking about idealism. Im talking about
realism.

Realism saturated with gratitude.

The Way We Remember

Dr. John Gottman is a professor emeritus of psychology at
the University of Washington. He and his wife have
dedicated their personal and professional lives to explaining
why some marriages survive while other marriages fail.
When they invite married couples into their laboratory, they
administer a Marital Oral History Interview. During the
interview, the couple narrates the story of their relationship.
Unbeknownst to the couple, how they respond to the first
questions in the interview is a strong predictor of whether or
%*
not they will stay together. Not what they say. But how they
say it.
The couples who recall the early days of their relationship
the good and the bad timeswith smiles and laughter and
softness are more likely to stay married.

When I meet with a couple for the first time in my office, I
administer this interview, and I look for the signs. I want to
see if this couple can remember. Can they remember those
early years? Have they protected that place in their hearts?
Have they clung to a sense of gratitude for the dawn of their
relationship?

Grateful Realism

The early years of a relationship are, circumstantially, often
the most difficult. Early careers, job transitions, lean
finances. Rented apartments and sketchy landlords. Drafty
windows and thin walls. Clothes from resale shops and wine
from the bottom rack. Leftovers and cheap fast food. Tiny
televisions and rabbit-ear antennae. Toilet seats always up
and clothes never in the hamper.

Broken pasts and uncertain futures.

The early years of our romance and marriage are often a
mess. And yet we find ourselves, in the midst of it all, deeply
grateful for the otherthis person who wants to be with us in
the mess and somehow transforms it into the deepest of
satisfactions.

We cherish our partners in those years. When their fuse is
short, our patience is long. When they screw up, we take
them out to dinner. We forsake the to-do lists for long
mornings under the covers.
&+

And we are able to do all of this because it is enough. The
compulsion to progress and get better and have more has not
yet overtaken us. We are lost in a sense of thanksgiving for
all of it. The truth is, the couples who can hold on to this
place of thanksgiving in their hearts are the couples who
heave a deep and contented sigh during their 50
th

anniversary dance.

Keeping It All In Perspective

In Stephen Kings On Writing, he tells the story of being hit
and nearly killed by a wild driver in 1999. When the
paramedics arrived, they began to prep him for transport
and treatment, including cutting off his wedding rings.

Wedding rings. Plural.

He was wearing the expensive wedding band his wife had
purchased him in recent years, along with their two vacation
homes. But he was also still wearing the wedding band from
their wedding day, when they were starving artists with
hardly a penny to their name.

That ring had cost $8.50.

We might make progress in our lives. We may find success in
life, and that success may come with money and prestige and
accolades. But we must be certain that, in our hearts, we are
still wearing the $8.50 wedding band.

Grateful for the Whole Journey

We must remember.

&"
And we must remember with gratitude.
We must forsake our thirst for progress and allow ourselves
to be quenched by love. We must be determined to find that
place of thanksgiving and satisfaction in our hearts.

If our marriages can be this kind of redemptive event
nurturing our sense of gratitude, regardless of circumstance
and situation and statuswe may yet be transformed into a
resilient and courageous people. If we can remember that
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and crappy wine and love
was enough to see us through anything, the fear of
uncertainty and messiness will recede. We will float on the
calm waters of gratitude, and the undulating sea of life will
lose its power to sicken us.

And next to us in the boat of life? A life-long shipmate, the
same one who set sail with us, and the very one who will
disembark with us on the other shore.


&#
Concluslon: 8eyond Marrlage
Several years ago, we moved into a new house, only to
discover the old residents had not moved out.

The house had mice.

The idea of rodents coming and going from my new home
gnawed at me (pun intended) day and night. I was willing to
do almost anything to eradicate them. I tracked them with
bait. I placed traps. I installed electromagnetic pulse emitters
to drive them crazy and ultimately drive them out of the
house. And I bought cases of insulating foam and filled every
external crevice in the house I could see.

Nothing worked. I was so desperate I almost bought a cat.
And I cant stand cats.

But then it occurred to me that mice arent magicians. If they
are getting into the house, theres an entry point somewhere.
This occurred to me as I was looking at our back deck and
the crawl space beneath it. Somewhere under therein that
dark, muddy wastelandI realized, was Mouse Highway.

I knew what I had to do. Dressed in my oldest, most tattered
clothes and equipped with a can of insulating foam, I
shimmied underneath the deck.

We havent seen a mouse since.

Consumer Marriage is a Rodent

Consumerism is like having a rodent infestation in our
marital houses. You can transform everything in the house
&$
of your marriage, but if even a single opening remains, your
marriage will continue to be infested with a consumer
mentality and your spouse will remain just another beloved
commodity.

We need to find the last hole and close it for good.

For most of us, this is the final hole: we want to redeem our
marriages from this consumer mentality so that our
marriages will become everything we have always wanted.
But if the desire to eliminate a consumer mentality from our
marriage is rooted in the hope that our marriage will finally
become the product we have always wanted, then the
consumer mentality remains inherent in the reason for
transforming the marriage. Our motivation for change
actually acts like a Trojan Horse, smuggling consumerism
into the marriage.

So, how do we escape the reaches of consumerism? How do
we fill this final hole? If we want to keep consumerism out of
our marriages once and for all, we have to change the very
reason we are transforming our marriages. We will have to
realize that marriage was never intended to be an end in
itself.

Rebellious Marriage

We must not transform our marriages for the sake of the
marriage. We must embrace the truth that marriage is
always intended to point beyond itself. We must decide that
marriage is not an end, but a means to an end.

Marriage is never meant to be the place where we are finally
satisfied. Marriage is meant to be the beginning of an
insurrection. An uprising on a global scale.
&%

I think marriage is intended to be a rebel training ground, an
institution that undermines all others. I think marriage is
meant to be a redemptive event through which the broken
systems of our world are turned upside down. I think
marriage teaches us to live in radically counter-cultural ways,
because this broken crumbling world cannot be healed by
anything less than a radical, crazy love.

In a hyper-competitive world, our sacrifice is rebellion. In a
world of instant gratification and whimsical exchangeability,
our commitment is rebellion. In a world of strength and
might and power, our vulnerability is rebellion. In a divisive
and condemning world, our unity is rebellion. In an isolated
and fractured world, our companionship is rebellion. In a
world obsessed with certainty and safety, to live in mystery
with hearts ruptured by wonder is rebellion. In a world of
compulsive progress and dissatisfaction, our gratitude is
rebellion. In a world seeking comfort and pleasure, our
compassion is rebellion.

Its Time

Go. Be a loser and live sacrificially.

Go. Be committed and give birth to the joy of it.

Go. Be vulnerable and heal the world with your authenticity.

Go. Be unified and shower the world with compassion.
Together.

Go. Be lonely with a world aching for communion.

&&
Go. Be a mess and create space for wonder in a mysterious
world.

Go. Be grateful and bring peace. Right here and right now.

And may your marriage turn our world upside down. May
your marriage be a sacred doorway through which you walk
transformed and prepared to transform a world simply
bursting with the anticipation of a redemptive event. And
may your marriage be a beacon for a world of souls hungry
for a new way and thirsty for a love that finally quenches.

&'
AbouL Lhe AuLhor
Kelly Flanagan is a licensed clinical psychologist, writer, and
blogger. He believes every moment contains the seed of
redemption.
In addition to his blog, he has contributed to other
publications including Marriage Magazine and Ethika
Politika (the online journal for the Center for Morality in
Public Life).
For Kellys thinking about consumerism and the
commodification of people, he owes a debt of gratitude to
Skye Jethani and his book, The Divine Commodity.
Kelly lives in Wheaton, IL, with his wife and three children.
He practices at Alliance Clinical Associates and enjoys
learning from his children how to be a kid again.
To connect with Kelly, visit him at any of the following:
Email: drkellyflanagan@gmail.com
Blog: drkellyflanagan.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drkellyflanagan
Twitter: twitter.com/DrKellyFlanagan
He wants to hear what you thought of this book. Did it
inspire you, confuse you, anger you? Let him know!