I had been sat reading since I returned with lunch,Marcus had turned it

down,he was silently working through something at his desk,occasionally

peering up from out of his notebook and looking at me across the room in deep
thought,I had asked him earlier what he was working on and he just smiled,
shook his head waving his index finger from side to side. He suddenly span
around on his chair to face me 'well you know I don't explain myself too well'
he began 'but just hear me out' Marcus started as the doorbell rang, he let
rancis in opening the door, still carrying on talking, walking back to me sat
in the easy chair,rancis hung his coat up, watching and listening to Marcus
also,he !uietly came over and sat down ready to listen,'"he "rue #hristian,"he
"rue #hristian,"he "rue $od,I have been thinking a great deal about him and I
have it, I have him understood and riteous.why are you laughing rancis% just
hear me out'
'I aren't'
'right okay so let us start at the beginning as it were, $od and the garden of
eden,obviously we must !uickly pass over the unknown $od,a god you boys
believe in,for this cannot concern him,that god who sat !uietly but turned
away once,just momentarily and shed that one single tear and how it fell upon
the black void and disturbed it in all it's completeness all it's perfection
and set the universe in motion forever onwards with dust and particles and
light and entities and rock and all things I need not list and never looked
back since.yes,what is it%',
'well how can it be a completeness, a perfection if there is something else or
as you just said,that drooping tear to disturb it,how can a completeness, a
perfection be disturbed if it is truly complete,' rancis asked Marcus smiling
'we have gone through this,that !uestion is the very unanswerable !uestion all
this stems from, just that tear is my way of explaining the 'great unknown'
well &'s way initially but call it what you will,just "hat first non caused
cause but let us pass over this unknown $od this $od of yours francis for our
concern is with the known $od,you know I struggle to explain myself so just
let me try,so the known god, the one which is well discussed,for I promised
you the definition of the "rue #hristian and therefore the "rue $od so let us
talk of the existent one,the all knowing,all loving,compassionate one,the one
whose influence in western society throughout history has been of great
importance to us. 'et me get to my point,for I see you rancis silently asking
me to stop beating around the bush already, so I will, okay I say that "he
"rue #hristian is in fact the great ()st #entury *theist, +es the *theist
gentlemen, "he "rue #hristian and he allows us to know "he "rue $od."hat is
the all knowing,all loving god, 'et me say that ,esus #hrist was undoubtedly
the son of $od, why% because $od has punished man since that original sin or
another sin or wrongdoing but at first it must be sin and because whom ever
one loves he punishes, through his own admonition, love is a compromise of
oneself and therefore he will punish him to see him grow to see him learn and
blossom and punish him $od did, until he realised it wasn't enough,that man
wouldn't learn unless he could see for himself, so sent forth ,esus #hrist to
die in the word of $od and bring about his followers,bring about the church
and the great book, the hymns and the scripts. -ut an all knowing $od cares
little for our love,cares little for our prayers, cares little for our piety
and did not punish his son nor all those before him for a man to not grow
beyond his own submission no no no, think of abraham,had he told $od there and
then his love for his son was too great, god would have known but no no no
abraham went forth ready to kill his son and he knew then more time was
needed,that the church hadn't gone far enough yet but history saw to that and
eventually.. step forward the ()st century *theist turning away from the
church, his negation is his affirmation and what an affirmation and how often
he practices it,he lives breathes and works his religion,I speak of him who
consciously stays afar from what the church dare preach,dare give an answer
too,he who has given $od his consideration and has decided himself,'there is
no $od' an beard his freedom with fear and trembling upon his own two
shoulders, *n admission from the many that "he "rue $od has waited for since
he split the dark from the light,we are free and this freedom brought about
order and law on their own terms,morality,humility,practicality,though on
personal terms there is chaos, the general progression of an atheist society
is unruffled by murder by lies by cunning,he continues onwards bettering and
improving himself and society in the shape of himself and his weaknesses and
his lessons and ultimately $ods too but unknowingly so and it must remain that
way,a fruition,a manifestation, which the "rue all knowing god knew of.'
'wait,you mean to say, that the known $od as you put it,can only be all
knowing,all loving,if the atheist is his doing, you mean to say the divine
plan was to use the church for this 'non believing man',that all the clergy
are in fact doing the true work of $od unknowingly% that all his followers,the
great .chism,Innocent the third,the crusades,all this for your ()st century
atheist and because he loves man%' rancis !ui//ed, '-ecause he loves man and
man can only be taught by means of himself, because the true image of man is
the true image of $od,when he denies nothing but god,when he takes full
responsibility,he then denies nothing of himself and this is the true image of
man and the true image of god',
'but had he not that at the start,in that original sin, man being man and
showing his weakness and therefore his character',rancis asked
'no because man was new and glorious like a new born looking for his mother
and comfort so leant his head on gods shoulder not the other way round...but
where was I,argh yes, man must know many hardships and overcoming before a
change will come from within,so "he "rue *theist, is the "rue #hristian in the
eyes of the #hristian $od for our *theist lives by the truest image of god in
the freedom of which he was given,+es I rushed the end,I know I rushed it and
I haven't worded the latter part too well but you made me lose my train of
thought rancis when I saw you smiling in that way when your about to laugh, I
know I am naive but my naivete brings about a first hand clarity, however
still naive I know and one can go much further and deeper into the freedom of
a stable and productive society, and the freedom allowed by an unstable
one..but about just what I said, what do you think $entlemen do you believe in
my "rue #hristian in the case of the god which is known% ' Marcus asked then
took a deep breath and sat back to relax. rancis shuffled forward and said
'you base all this on love, a love like no other, I never knew you could think
so.... sentimentally ' rancis smiled, 'I knew you'd joke,but your point is
valid still, yes on love, remember it is not a $od I believe in, for I believe
in that unknown one with his back turned but perhaps I am just that "rue
#hristian in my unbelieving' Marcus chuckled to himself, 'does he love the
murderer as much as...lets say, the minstrel%' I asked Marcus, 'he does, he
loves the murderer as a lesson for his *theist, but your true atheist wouldn't
care for murder he accepts it he doesn't deny it but he'd never commit it and
there is the other fallout,those who do not even think on this negation, who
never decide with consideration that 'there is no $od' and this gives birth to
indifference and not our true image of man,or true christian,therefore there
is also more work for the church and $od but I have not thought that all
through as of yet so we will continue this another time...how was work today%'
Marcus asked rancis, 'the same as always, I could only stand two hours then
left, I went to 0ianas for a coffee,read the sports paper and fell in love,'
rancis said casually. Marcus looked at me frowning but his face broke into a
smile, 'In love%' Marcus laughed,'does he look like a man in love%' Marcus
asked me,'rancis is constantly in love,thats why he always looks so sad' I
replied and rancis smiled 'yes,very much so,I am seeing her tomorrow, she is
a potwasher perhaps in that crummy old hotel down drury lane, either that or
she is a factory machinist sewing dresses, or a..' rancis stopped speaking
like he had become aware of his confession and he was conscious of showing too
much of the impact she had made on him but Marcus was too curious 'enough
enough hold on,from the beginning,tell me it from the start,her name, her full
name% ' Marcus asked rancis and began rolling a cigarette,'1ass me those
matches &,' Marcus told me, I tossed them onto his lap,
'Hope.' rancis replied !uietly
'Hope% just Hope% no family name%' Marcus intrigued smiling,
'just Hope,she never gave it',
'where in 0ianas,what was she doing%'
'just drinking coffee in the corner reading'
'reading,did you see it,what was it%' Marcus asked excitedly, halting what he
was doing to concentrate on the answer
'a book of poetry by 1ushkin,' rancis briefly smiled then moved around like
he was uncomfortable,settling back down once crossing his legs,the room fell
to silence as Marcus lit his cigarette.
'1ushkin2 well I'd like to meet her even more now, 1ushkin huh and how did she
hold it' Marcus happily exhaled his cigarette smoke,
'she held it in one hand,her right hand, her fingers along the spine and each
time she turned the pages she did so with her left hand which she also used to
sip her drink,' rancis told us both a little reluctantly
'was there anyone else in%what was she drinking% actually forget that,was
anyone else in%'
'you know that old $regory,walks with a limp and always carries that umbrella
under his arm,always sits by the window with his paper'
'he would have seen her too,did he see you talk to her%' Marcus looked around
the room,
'he was listening and laughing' rancis spoke ruefully,
'so what did you say,how did you introduce yourself%'
'she laughed out loud then apologi/ed,' rancis admitted,
'*pologi/ed% How% what for% to you% to old gregory% to everyone%' Marcus asked
sitting up,
'"o me but I'm not sure she was apologi/ing for her laugh' rancis half closed
his eyes
'+ou are the worst,speak clearly,don't be giving me your riddles'
'well her beauty is a riddle, an unsolvable one, the kind that can seduce a
philosopher,if I were one' rancis added !uietly.
'philosopher% oh you really do long for her' Marcus smiled.
'you should meet her before you..' rancis didnt finish his sentence he stood
up and got a beer out the fridge,
'okay back to painting this picture of our 'Hope', tell me more about her, her
eyes%'
'I cannot,I dare not, for my words would do them no justice, her eyes that is,
her demeanour,her sad mien, nothing but a result of her soul, I believe she
has grown to use it like a lighthouse which no longer casts any light,to have
all who come near hit the rocks and never go any deeper.'
'she is sad%' Marcus !uestioned then stood up and began pacing in front of the
window overlooking the street
'unbelievably so,like nothing I have seen before' rancis stared at Marcus
almost teary eyed then continued,
'she knows great suffering,greater than I,she has fought for her soul for a
long time'
'what do you think &, what do you think of this Hope%' Marcus asked me....
'I have seen her' I told him,'you have seen her% ' Marcus asked
surprised,'yes I went to 0ianas at midday and she was there,I remember her
because like rancis has mentioned somewhat briefly,she is very beautiful, she
is pale,extremely pale, like a heroine from a russian novel, with deep dark
eyes and a face like francis says which shows great suffering yet there is an
underlying brightness about her, a light around her and it's this light which
should have perished, drowned in such darkness but hasn't.... although I
didn't stay long I could sketch her face even now'
'and you sit here !uietly all along,just listening,you sound like you've
fallen in love with her too' Marcus smiled,
'yes,yes like & said,that light in her head,that would be her,' rancis spoke
' I haven't told you what she said after she apologised however ' he added,
'Hmm well rancis I believe you now ... did you say you are meeting her this
evening'
'no tomorrow evening' rancis chugged at his beer
'okay do go on,you were both silent when she just burst out laughing%'
'thats right,then she apologi/ed, I didn't say anything in reply because I
didn't no what to say, she put her book down and lit a cigarette'
'she smokes,how% which cigarettes%'
'I don't know which, like a suffragette, like a woman who is abla/e with her
sensual pleasure,like she was prepared to die on that very spot but she had
chosen to smoke instead,like she hoped the smoke which filled her lungs might
have held the key to her salvation'
'okay,okay francis,do carry on..this Hope really has caused a stir' Marcus
chuckled,
'..she asked me my name then she said 'why is it you will not look at me when
you talk%' and I told her because her beauty is fearful,'my beauty% how
silly,you think I am beautiful%' she smiled letting the smoke escape from her
nose '!uite remarkably so,' I told her, 'well tell me,what makes me so
beautiful' she asked, 'well your remarkable beauty lies in your sadness','my
sadness% and how do you know I am sad' she !ueried,something came over me and
I spoke with that honesty #lara warned me about,you know that honesty which
makes people misunderstand me for I was almost in a fever ,I went on.. 'I have
never seen eyes like yours before, well apart from the pale faced portraits of
the eighteen hundreds,perhaps it could be explained by the simple answer that
light shines at its most bright through the darkest night sky'..I gathered
myself and lowered my eyes,she studied me and didn't say anything in
reply..she sat staring at me across the corner of the cafe..I could feel her
watching me and I was very aware I had spoken too freely to a girl I had never
met before, so I asked her name. 'Hope' she muttered,still with her eyes on
me,'francis I would like to spend some more time with you,I live on drury
lane,come and see me on friday,I will be alone' and she left me her address on
a napkin,she picked up her book and coat and left.'
'do you have it%' Marcus asked,
'its here' rancis pulled the napkin from his shirt pocket and gave Marcus it,
'well she wouldn't make a calligrapher but that says a lot in itself,that
careless freehand' Marcus smiled handing it back as rancis went on 'by this
time 3ld $regory was almost crying with laughter and after she had left he
told me 'your a simple boy,maybe your boyish charm excuses you','did you see
her eyes%' I asked him,my hands still shaking on my lap '+es,she is pretty all
right' he said but I told him,'boyish charm% no no no, not pretty,there is no
prettiness in her,nothing like a flower,nothing like a blossomed flower,no no'
I don't know why I spoke to him that way and I instantly regretted it so I
left and came back home'
'that 3ld $regory,I see,I see,oh I almost forgot,did she wear a cross%' Marcus
laughed
'no,but she wore a medallion, * saint, though I dared not ask which one'
rancis conceded sitting back and sighing.
'that would have solved it all' Marcus spoke sitting back down on the
armchair,
'not with her' rancis whispered.
'bring her to the cloakroom tonight%' Marcus suggested 'uh4hummm' left
francis'mouth a noise neither in agreement nor disagreement just a sound to
acknowledge he heard. 'Hope,eh,Hope' Marcus spoke to himself whilst staring
out the window as Harlem burst through the unlocked door, he ran in wild and
gleeful, shaking each of our hands individually and with great over
exaggeration, Marcus had introduced us about a year ago and I was very fond of
him,he always spoke so freely and madly,full of excitement and wonder, that is
except at certain times when he'd sit in a state of complete self
absorption,silent and somnolent,this was down to a nervous disorder he had
which was undiagnosed,he said it was uni!ue and undiagnosable,that he had
trumped all the doctors and none of them had the answer,this disorder at times
put him into very violent fits,normally induced by heightened stress or
anguish and he'd always say giggling 'its just when I get into thinking too
deep about the universe and either $od or the 0evil knows I shouldn't be up
there or down there and I pay the price ' I had only seen it happen once under
the influence of too much drink and he was speaking at a thousand miles an
hour but I swear I never knew a human body could convulse in such a way,no
wonder he had his gloomy periods of complete inactivity afterwards just
absently watching the world go by and attempting to regain his strength,
thankfully it had been a long time since he had suffered one, so he had been
for the last few months very bright and full of insane ideas and long winded
speeches,constantly !uoting literature and poetry, talking about anything and
everything, about what the homeless few were doing to hide from the rain under
the riverbridge last night or how this girl dressed so elegantly had spat
across the pavement as she rode by on her bicycle,he would tell us absolutely
anything he heard or saw which had filled his soul with either sadness or
beauty or anything in between,and more often than not he told the most
beautiful moments in pure sadness and the saddest most gut wrenching tales
like it was a piece of pure fine art, ' Man is a strange thing, I say every
man is an enigma and he should not be worked out and laid out so easily, I say
he should never deny his sorrow and sadness in realising it because his
sadness and sorrow is his greatest !uality and his greatest happiness. -e sad
and lonely gentlemen rest in the arms of restlessness and sleep on the wing of
the unknown let its unrelenting be your comfort, let your insignificance be
the birth of your significance. -e free gentlemen and do not fear yourself,
never fear to be wrong, good lord heavens fear that the least, I say be wrong
and you will be better off for it, know even when wrong you can never be wrong
to yourself,' it was as if he was speaking to the whole room or the whole
world when he talked like this,' 3h gentlemen I did not sleep last night I saw
the sun rising and I could hear 'ady $oodhall whee/ing and struggling through
her morning prayer, perhaps she will die today,I must remember to take her
rent $entlemen, remind me to,though my sickness has rendered me as productive
and practical as a invalid at times, I do still feel and dream like you, I
still have my passions and I still have have my reasoning one hopes.-ut I have
never seen a girl like I saw today,it was as if she had known something
untellable since the day she was born, it was as if she had grown to be that
lovely young women from too early an age, Her whole face wished to smile but
those eyes, those eyes gentlemen would not allow it, suffering, sadness but
not like mine or any mans, a womans suffering is a different matter all
together, our burden is with ourself but a womans burden is with the earth,
how freely I say it, but of course I can never know,though I fear not in
saying that I have never loved a women,do not laugh for I learnt today no one
in fact can truly love a women, for pity is a stronger and firmer emotion,I
pitied that girl so much my soul hid from her sight but I overcame my pride
for I needed to tell her 'you are the most wonderful girl in the whole world'
and I didn't smile or wait for her reply, I just walked away and what a girl,
what a wonderfully melancholic girl and 'ady $oodhall is still alive, I
knocked on her door just now and can you believe her maid ushered me away like
I was mad, she frowned and said 'you are strange,bring it another time, it
isn't convenient' so I went out instead and walked by the river for a while,
have you noticed there must always be a reason for a walk, it doesnt suffice
with you men of such great intelligence that a man might just walk because he
can' rancis and Marcus looked to each other in disbelief, in astonishment, I
looked to Harlem who didn't understand why they were smiling and shaking their
heads 'what time did you see this girl,' I asked him,'this morning around
nine,why% you've seen her haven't you%, I knew you boys would have
somehow,just somehow I knew you would and you too I can see by that glowing
smile, where rancis%' Harlem asked, 'in 0ianas at around two' Marcus shook
his head and they all sat down. 'is it worse for me to go round and give her
my rent when she is dying, then to not give it to her because she is dying%'
Harlem asked us all,'see the "rue #hristian' Marcus spoke pointing at harlem
and looking at me and rancis 'she cannot use it when pushing up the daisies
but all the same I shall post it and have it off my mind, tell me then
rancis,this girl% she has had me thinking about her ever since,she is
unlovable no doubt and she wouldn't let you pity her,her soul has grown to the
taste of her suffering' Harlem added resoundingly,
rancis briefly went over meeting her again to Harlem who grinned and shuffled
and bounced around listening occasionally agreeing with things and somehow
feeling closer to her. 5e all sat in silence, Marcus and rancis thinking on
Hope, Harlem thinking on god knows what when he burst out with 'I ask you not
to think like me, no no I will not make the silly mistake as many a foolish
men and wish to have men think a like but I wish for you to think, free and
unchained by yourself and your own shackles. +ou will have your own answer but
let it not be well worded or full of perfect sense let it be told to you from
those depths within, consider no negation of what is already established and
then tell me what you are, tell me if you need label yourself, 1roudly say
your name and be what the earth intended you to be, free to think, free to be
forever confused and embrace it and live by its magnitude and unbridled flow.
I have got carried away it seems, 'you can't go around talking that way'
people have told me, perhaps they are right, in fact I know they are right. I
do not wish to change anyone but myself, that is to understand and forgive
those for my outcasting, my exiling, they have banished me without a word or
sentence and rightly so. I would do the same and therefore I forgive them and
I love them,like all my brothers and all my sisters. My banishment is my
burden and my burden is my cross and my cross is my happiness and my happiness
is my salvation and my salvation is courtesy of $od, or whatever ,oker sits in
that great arena and laughs at my seriousness and allows me to believe in
it.Men who think like us gentlemen need very little to get by, I tell it
truthfully and I know you all know it, my flat that one room above that old
lady whose coughing is becoming more pitiful each day, I hear her every night
rattling her rosemary beads and crying through her hail mary's and her swollen
throat..he will die within the month hopelessly alone, she has no family, a
widow to a general, bore no children, had no siblings, her parents died in the
great war,0o not think I have no heart gentlemen but what a life% what a
wretched life..her money and what else,money should be used to measure the
man, in how highly or cheaply it buys his soul. In how much of himself he
gives up to its pursuit. *s that man who loved his beard who they all put out
to death back then proclaimed, 'money was made to make food available for
everyone but in truth all it does is deny them it' perhaps I would have
suffered such a sentence at their hands too, if I was born back then,my head
upon tower bridge but they need not worry gentlemen I would have forgiven them
still, my love for them all will never be broken no matter what infliction one
might endure at their hands, whether I would have joked with the hooded man
with the blade I cannot say, perhaps we all would once our soul has been
stifled by the inevitability of its impending perishment.',
'Harlem,friend you 'ought to write a book,order all those thoughts of
yours,',rancis told him, 'I have thought about it,but this way of thinking is
my saving grace but its what pushes me to my illness too isn't that the sad
truth of life in one simple man like me' harlem sadly joked, 'after jesus
christ, there has been a thousand,well thousands of sons,all of gods, but they
are not man in the image god is waiting for therefore they are lessons and
still important' Marcus announced from his desk and began scribbling in his
notebook '0iana's anyone%' I asked smiling, 'yes' harlem said jumping up,
rancis finished his beer off and nodded, ',esus was just the first' Marcus
said rushing after us as we all walked down the street towards 0ianas.
Marcus bought us all coffee and we sat and talked a while, 3ld $regory was
still by the window with his paper, '"he 1rofessor starts at four, anyone want
to come%' Harlem asked,'who%' I asked him. '1rofessor Immanuel'he told the
group smiling like we all knew who he meant but Marcus did 'how do you always
get in%' Marcus asked knowing he'd been going for the last few months 'just
walk right in with the rest I even ask him !uestions at the end, he recogni/es
me now, he either doesn't know or doesn't care I'm not enrolled,you should see
his beard.' Harlem added, 'well I can't be late' he said beginning to get up
'I'll come' I told him, 'see you at the cloakroom tonight' I told both rancis
and Marcus. "he lecture wasn't a good one, 'he was off today' Harlem told me
afterwards, 'he normally nearly passes out when he's on a roll,a real town
crier' 5e actually left half way through, Harlem just stood up and ran up the
aisle and burst through the doors, he was happy about something when I
followed him out but he wouldn't say what,perhaps he didn't even know, we
stopped in a bar down an alleyway where Harlem knew the barmaid, a big black
girl with big hooped golden earrings,she served us some whiskey from an open
bottle, Harlem reassured her that he would come back and see her by the end of
the week,'I've heard that before,'she sighed 'whose your friend%' she asked
wiping down the dusty bar, 'my fellow here,my good friend &,meet Magdelena,' I
thanked her for the whiskey. Harlem began talking again, he confessed that he
believed another episode of his illness was nearing in and when I asked how he
knew, he just smiled like I'd asked a stupid !uestion, 'do not fear for me
friend, I know you're concerned ' he told me, 'I just do not know how your
capable of doing anything afterwards, that time I saw it, I swear being able
to sit and share a drink with you here now is remarkable, well in fact
testament to your strength,' he didnt reply, 'come on lets find them' 5e
walked through the city blocks, Harlem talked furiously about this field
behind his mothers house in the country, ' in the spring,early summer, it
would always grow a green barley about two feet high,a perfect two feet, the
sun would always be sat above the treeline, the whole field like a soft felt
good enough to sleep in,the wind would make it sway in unison, I used to stand
and watch it on my way back from school,feel the outward silence of the
field,thats the only way I can describe it,the complete stillness and !uiet
which it promised, even the sun appeared constant like it would never move you
know and I would wait until it did move,wait for it to go behind the trees
then I would go on home and my mother would ask where I'd been and I would
tell her no where, I've seen nothing Ma,absolutey nothing but how sweet and
simple that nothing was but even then as a boy I knew I couldn't explain
it,that no one could, you know I was never ill before that realisation,' he
giggled ' and when I grew up I realised some men can be like that, appear
still and !uiet and content but within all that there is life forces
constantly fighting, good and evil, chaos if you will behind the shade of
gloriousness and in men its just as unexplainable as that field, just some men
deny that inward !uiet more than others, I think we are like that, you
especially &,your like that field, you let that !uiet have its rightful place
and you do not fear it ' he nudged my elbow, I fully understood his
confusion."he #loakroom was !uiet, #lara spoiled Marcus with stupid kisses,
rancis sat !uietly thinking on Hope all night, occasionally repeating what he
had said to her and asking me what I thought,'I can offer her nothing anyway,
just more suffering and confusion' he told himself before walking back home
with me. Harlem had only stopped for one drink then he remembered something or
somebody and burst back out the door and onto the street calling 'till we meet
again my brothers' skipping and jumping round the corner and out of sight.
I was back reading by lamplight the following evening when rancis returned
and hurridly hung up his overcoat and sat down, he sat in silence whilst I
finished my chapter, 'is she out%' I asked him, he shook his head,
'no no I have been with her'
'well what did she say% ' I intrigued,
'hardly anything, she was painting,you know she has only one picture hung on
the wall and it's of ,esus #hrist upon the cross, it was terribly painted not
by her, she told me that, and she liked it because ,esus #hrist appeared to be
smiling.'
'smiling%'
'yeah smiling,oh and she wants to read your novel,'
'my novel, it isn't finished, why did you talk about that%' I asked,
'she asked if I write of which I said you do,she wants to meet you but I told
her I will bring something of yours round, could I take the first few
chapters% she will read it in one sitting no doubt,' rancis told me,
'well,I suppose..take it,I'm not sure she will like it but...no harm,what
about her flat%'
'books and unfinished paintings everywhere a tiny room hardly any light,you
have to climb up a fire ladder there is no front door,just a window'
'and you left her painting%'
'yeah, she told me that she'll come see me here before the end of the week..'
rancis nodded,
'does she interest you%' rancis added stretching out on the chair,
'oh a great deal I will meet her one day no doubt perhaps before the week is
out' I told him,
'you saw her eyes didn't you,' I nodded,' it's as if she is ashamed of
something yet had grown to portray it as pride,her pride,she is mad,I mean
maddened by her own level of consciousness, I know at times I do struggle to
keep my emotions in moderation,I know that,I struggle with proportion because
I think too strangely% differently% I guess you could say I am an
idiot,perhaps you could say she is too,but she is nothing like me,though I can
be too honest,perhaps I judge unjustly because I seek truth too fervently,I
think we just, well, well at a certain times as you know I have periods of
deep and dark 'confusion' if you will nothing like Harlems,nothing physical
but during these times I am very preoccupied, appearing almost absent minded,
however during these episodes the reality is !uite the contrary, to how one
might perceive me,looking upon me that is, for I am silently considering a
great deal, about many unanswerable !uestions and that is in fact the origin
of my gloom',
'I never doubted that francis' I told him,
'for, your most glorious vision will also inevitably be your saddest,do you
think that too% I become very irresponsive to the outside world because I will
take a particular concept or thought to its capacity,well my capacity, my
limits,then I will think hard on what I can never possibly know, everything
that I feel but is beyond my keeping,everything which cannot be articulated
into words or cannot be spoke or uttered,and this inability to utter the un4
utterable,to transcend so to speak, bears down on me heavy and I know it does
you too and that is the main source of your art,your writing,but it's not
because I long to utter them but because they are there for all but people
will not see,will not feel,will not allow themselves the great beauty of the
world and I tell you &,Harlem makes perfect sense when he takes in that non
sensical way because it starts by understanding our limitations and to not
think about people but ideas...but her,she must not pity me for all this,her
pity would break my heart, let them pity me but Hope, no,no,no,perhaps I have
attached too much to her,seeing her in a certain way, overly romantic,too
eager to learn all about her,but you see, I think I am incapable of loving
anyone in a way loving demands anyway, that's perhaps sad,but I've come to
realise or maybe I am being 'boyish' once more, that what she is to me is a
'light' an unreachable light, shining, indifferent and I think that is why I
am being hasty and ill4considered,I think thats why I pinned too much on her
because I cannot stand apart from it,see it properly and with the
consideration it needs because I was just leaving one of those melancholic
slumbers when I met her, but anyway I think on her now, lighting a small part
of the myriad darkness, far off, impossible but offering, as god promises
6through the idea manifesting within the subject7 'salvation' the point is,
the craft of such a thing is a man made device,an image,a vision,which only a
man could conjure, the idea that is,and normally under great duress even if
self inflicted,well universe and stars and my beating heart inflicted,my
significant insignificance,and this is my illusion,my stupidity if you will,an
outlook that promises everything yet delivers nothing. *nd thats how I see her
now, already, she need not deliver anything to me, I don't even have to see
her ever again,she is far far away from me, even if she were there across from
me now sat in that very chair,her light would shine no different because from
the start it has been my illusion regardless, at the time I knew it as a
promise,those dark dark eyes,suffering and whispering something ancient and
yet to come, because it was there,her promise being her commitment to herself
regardless of that darkness,she seemed to understand my non understanding in
that commitment and honesty and that laugh from the first,so free and
childlike,she seemed to reassure me of that something which harlem constantly
talks of,that thing we both consider too at times, you and me that eternal
thing we can never explain well enough to one another.My point is when one has
seen darkness for a while the light is blinding,however bright or dim, she is
that light to me, not a girl,not a girl of her own ideals and beliefs, for all
that will be welcomed and enjoyed by someone else,someone who can understand
all that and contain himself, I cannot and now I have no doubt I will just go
on and find someone else to light the way,I mean, literary greats, great art,
good friends, yourself Marcus, Harlem you all light the way too but in a
different way, and its always about going beyond right% for me anyway, going
beyond where one never thought he could go, out where no one can help him and
truth will be seen and heard and felt and then like you who can put that down
as best you can in writing as 'illumination' but also let that truth guide me
in my everyday conduct,however wild silly peculiar but always
honest,compassionate,sympathetic,conscious. I guess I just wanted to say it
doesnt matter at all anymore,and I dont mean that any other way but
honestly,I'm smiling because I'm talking in such a way,who else do I know whom
would drive me to talk this way and I consider this a good thing, a great
thing, I'm just trying to say I have taken a lot from her already, and beyond
here, I demand nothing of her nor want nothing, Im grateful for
everything,truly grateful,and what she gave me at that first time,that laugh
which graced my ears,that light,was for me,bright and truly undeniable.'
rancis spoke sincerly sitting up straight
'it is better to know of truth and be unhappy, then to be happy and live like
a fool%' a !uestion almost stoical,almost as cold hearted as #onfucius,for the
reward is in truth,the reward intangible,the improvement of the soul,to fight
the devil or darkness for my own lamplight,but I believe if you know of
truth,that she has come to me like some sort of truth, then it is the origin
of all happiness, just that truth is not contained by us humans or more so
goes beyond our limitations, so what happens when she embodies that
transcendental truth in her honesty and commitment to herself% I understand if
I apply a tenth of that theory to practical terms then...well this is the
problem, I do not know nor can foresee nor understand how we could ever relate
to each other, we are both too far down the line, too complicated and all been
said, impossible.' rancis added.
'that been said, I believe thats her knocking at the door' I told rancis who
had been lost in deep thought,
He slowly walked over and opened the door, they talked !uietly, rancis got
his coat, nodded then left. 'your novel,' he burst back through the door, 'in
my room,on my desk just take the first two' .'okay,okay,found it' I heard him
call then he ran back out the door and onto the street,the whole flat fell to
silence.
I was reading by the lamp again in the empty flat, Marcus had gone somewhere
with clara for the weekend and rancis was out probably at 0iana's, I hadn't
seen Harlem for two weeks since he left the cloakroom in a rush. It was night
time when she knocked, she gave three loud wraps, when I opened the door she
was dripping with rain, she stood neat,composed,almost smiling but not !uite,
her face !uivering with the cold,I let her in.'rancis is out' I told her as
she hung up her coat, she didn't say anything, I hadn't seen her since I saw
her at midday in the cafe but there was something far out and vulnerable about
her tonight,something changed and on her mind, agitated like the whole world
was bothering her. .he sat down across from me in the main room, it was dark
with just the lamplight, the light seemed unable to find her eyes, she sat in
silence facing me, every so often she tried to begin to speak, 'bu....'.....a
few moments passed'yu....' again she regathered herself getting more desparate
and disgruntled at each failed start .....'if...'she slumped in her seat and
put her head in her hands....'what is it%' I asked her,'are you in trouble%'
she looked up and giggled,she !uickly regained her silent composure, it was as
if she was looking at me for some other object than to observe, it was as if
she cared little for my flesh and bones but wanted to know the soul and spirit
which moved them,the light in her eyes sadly flashed,'you can say whatever it
is' I told her, she half smiled and stood up, she went to her coat pocket hung
up by the door and brought back the first two chapters of my unfinished novel,
she passed me it,carefully making sure the paper was in tact and that she had
not damaged it, I then guessed then why she couldn't say it but I knew it was
foolish of me to think it, self centered and vain but I couldn't help but
consider it, why she was awkward and changed, and I wondered if she related to
the girl in my book,I mean really understood her% I wondered if she really
felt and breathed the air I breathed when I gave her life and spirit upon the
page, I wondered if she knew the true beauty of it% but I tried to shake those
thoughts because it was impossible,I wasn't that ade!uate a writer, I wasn't
that much of a visionary, to illuminate others.3nce she had made sure it was
all in perfect condition not one corner turned up or smudged line she went
back to her coat,she placed it round her shoulders and pulled her hood over
her head, she walked to the front door, she turned around as she held the door
handle, she tried to smile again as a tear ran down her cheek, she hadn't said
a word, not one single intelligble word, she was here for five minutes, not
one single word but how much she had spoken, how loudly she had told me to
keep going, keep writing, keep seeing, keep perservering, her silence had told
me much more than anything she ever could have possibly said and how she knew
it and how she believed it and how she told it,what a saint,what an
angel,beyond all our reckoning, I could no longer read, I could no longer
concentrate, I went into my room and began working all night on my novel.
Marcus came in he placed his bag down and joined me and rancis sat in the
front room !uietly, he rumaged around on his desk for something, then turned
back to us with a handful of unordered paper.'so again forgive my lack of
coherence in both reading and writing for that matter but tell me boys what
you think of this..' he began to find his starting point skimming through all
the pages he held in his hands,'here,here it is, so.. the problem this piece
poses is that, that which I am trying to explain is ineffable making it
impossible to understand sensibly however I will try but I will try only to
metaphorically shine a light upon it but the reader,perhaps not you two but
the readers to come,'Marcus laughed ' must go there or know it for themselves
to fully understand and allow it.irst however I must shine a light down the
trail of logic,* trail I had to go up, to allow me to come back on my own
volition both a little disappointed and dejected at finding my end my limit
and in opposition to finding it as a logical progression of finding it, I
tried attempting pure abstraction of thought through pure illogic and off I
went back down that trail again believing that wasnt my limit my end and
trying to refuse it,I call this opposite way coming down 'the trail of
illogic' for I never lost sight of my earlier footprints my earlier path from
when I was stompimg up the 'trail of logic' till I eventually,inevitably came
back to my initial starting point and then for a time I wanted to go no
further like some do and forget about it but one does learn the most valuable
lesson in that pilgrimage of logic,stick with it rancis don't be smiling that
way again,' Marcus told him, 'just talk I am listening, I can neither sit
!uietly nor smile with you...so just talk I will not interrupt' rancis told
him ...'right good,so though some do not see it as a lesson, for to know ones
trail of logic or illogic both being the same, that it has an end and has a
limit and its limit is our limit of human thought but our limit is not the
limit of the world is a fearful and also scary proposition for some.3ne might
stop here like I did for a time for hardwork and a lack of control comes next
which brings an isolation which carries a burden in society because one
doesn't neglect ones limits of reason but rather embraces the mystery and
limitlessness of his non reason a place which that trail of logic dare not
venture a place which sends forth its heavy ships full of laughter and
pleasure and our logical mind our 'finite' mind shuns this place our 'finite'
mind will throw up any opposition it can conjure when catching wind of that
far off place but our infinite nature a part of our infinite mind this part of
our mind which is unknown, unrelenting, non sensical,a part which we can make
no sense of and holds no conception of land or substance to allow a trail or
path to even find a limit for its eternal and infinite in all directions and
non directions unknown, this boundlessness this source, is the same as the
earth and the universe and the dust which formed it and if one desires
pleasure which is the only sole reason one is here, then one must engage the
universe so as to see the alignment of life and transcended flow of unbonded
force which can bring cosmic pleasure and a reason beyond all reason with all
its non reasoning, are you still with it, & I see you looking at me like a
.ensei might do to his student% '
'0on't be silly, carry on..' I told him
'I had been in the country with #lara at her mothers as you know and it
occured to me one evening at dusk when sat on a bench looking across a big
body of water reflecting the skies that everything natural, by that I mean
that which occurs by means of natural progression, has an infinite nature
evident, everything that is made and subject to that ineffable force of
nature, or life or truth whatever one might call it 6#all it $od if you will
though not a $od residing in the finite mind but appearing as infinite7 well
this infinite nature is evident, is felt by its congruous meaninglessness its
reasonless nature it's eternal echo for it having been born or taken form from
infinitesimal particles or matter but the combination the blind force of
nature which brings about its formation its suchness or It4ness when fully
formed with wings or hair or chemical compounds forming rocks and minerals,
water and grass and through its growth its progression it loses nothing of its
initial reasonless formation pushed forth from that blank un!uenchable
infinite force that endless 'non entity4entity', which we ourselves are formed
from,we as humans through our formation possess a part of that infinite nature
and we differ from other products of that source for we are further down the
line and we can percieve infinite nature objectively through our finite mind
but never understand it, for one cannot express the inexpressible without
losing its suchness and all thats formed from it,we can describe its finite
nature its life cycle its colours but not its reasonless existence, more
specifically the infinite nature of our minds shares that unknown initial
oneness of nature and truth and still bears the beautiful unknown nature all
from the countless repercussions of that indescribable force which brings
about change and formation,but the main point is it needs no justifying just
accepting then embracing.I watched the water reflect the sky and the birds
dancing along the ripples, the small trees and shrubs that have grown around
the water edge, the sweet trill of the birds and its wasn't my ears which
heard or more so felt the melody of the birds, for the sound was repetitive,
the trees were bare having shed their leaves, the sky was grey and the water
murky and bottomless but all that would displease my finite mind but my
infinite mind 6 one could say heart or soul here, like those romantic poets
and they mean the same thing but we mustn't get lost in romanticism7 if the
person allows it space and 'uncovering' that is allow their infinite mind its
rightful control and accept the soul, accept something which one cannot
control, which stokes emotion that is all powerful that something which is
illimitable which abides in ourselves, holy if you like but ultimately
infinite, eternal and beautiful then that water reflecting the sky those
swallows swooping low the little skinny trees too and the sound of silence
then one may not just see or hear or smell beauty in something else but feel
it in oneself as a perfect part of a perfect picture,one can even feel the
endless universe and our own endless nature all by understanding all thats
born of that same source is congruous to us not intelligibly but
unexplainably.'ife has its moments when its infinite nature illuminates our
infinite mind but our finite mind or conceptual mind both being descriptions
for the same thing, will fight this infinite nature this encroachment this
imposter for its a foreigner an unknown and its not welcome in the finite mind
it doesnt abide by the same rules for the infinite mind is a stranger and
re!uires no reasoning no logical understanding or justification but once our
own infinite nature is allowed once its given space and freedom then one is
subject to it, the it being, the world and the stars and everything in between
and subject to all its pleasure and beauty too. *s Humans our conceptual mind
will translate this illumination at first by contemplating death and the
passing of time of which we might then live our lives with a haste and pace
with which we can easily miss its real beauty but if one really contemplates
death and looks it s!uare in the face one can pass back over to his infinite
nature with a smile but that initial unintelligible longing shows traces of
the infinite mind being allowed space by illumination,perhaps brought about by
a simple non eventful rainstorm and one can see the beauty of the clouds and
their congruous nature with us and our implicit need for water."his type of
simple contemplation brings us back to nature and all them things reasonless
and congruous to us and those things concerning the eternal
!uestions,!uestions for which we seek justification, answers which our
ancenstors have since ancient times searched for but never found,finding every
answer they devise no matter how abstract or logical unable to solemnly
explain what they know from their infinite nature, no matter how much
conviction and persistance and resistance an individual shows in its pursuit
these attempts are futile for reaching somewhere through their finite mind,
down that finite trail which could never lead them to that ultimate answer of
everything they feel but don't know and this feeling this unextractable
sensation made us humans continue attempting throughout history to better it
or to reach it by way of endeavour or obstination two things us humans do well
but both impossible approaches to that answer,for of course the answer is
deeper than man or anything that Mans imagination can conjure meaning its
starting point is not with man and mans creation its even more abstract and
unbelievable for its not with mans product and logic not with his most
abstract of ideas and that confusion that flashing of truth that heightened
receptiveness that Man was afforded as a progression, which gave him
contemplation of his unexplainable nature within to push him to try and
persist in making sense of it all when the fact is that the answer is
simple,the answer is I8 Man just its irretrievable,unextractable, purely
cosmic but in us all it lies, a part of our chemical make up a part of our
conscience a thing which we aptly share only with gods and other humans to
allow us the pleasure of our existence, its this paradox of logically
explaining something which is beyond explaining not its keeping for we are
subject to it not the other way round,it is in these moments of feeling that
the earth is subject to the same change too and all is infinite and has no
end, in comparison to our conceptual mind seeing the earth as unchanged in
comparison to our lifeline,perhaps the reason why *ristotle might have arrived
at the conclusion of an eternalistic world just his conclusion was born of the
finite and his lofty limits of logic show his great intelligence but I need my
infinite mind to allow me to feel that the world will change and the change is
eternal and infinite and I call that universal nature,a nature which I possess
and we all possess but to see ones finite nature flash and understanding that
one is sure to pass as sentient beings,but we pass only that part of us which
can understand passing, that part which needs an afterlife a heaven a hades a
hell while our infinite mind our infinite nature knows nothing of the sort for
she knows she is eternally taken care of.' Marcus put his paper back on his
desk,
'well theres a lot to consume there Marcus but I understand what your trying
to get at,' rancis told him,'just poetry and art can explain that which your
attempting to reach, through as you say an unreachable part of your mind,
practical theory rather than poetry say from whitman or blake which expresses
that inexpressible by talking of the thing in itself, describing a flower at
its core rather than its pretty petals'
'I know,I know but if I think it, I prefer to have it down so I don't forget
it' Marcus told us.