ExSolutionProgram Men

2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
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The information contained in this book is provided as is without warranty of any kind.
The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by
the user, and in no event shall Datsusara Media LLC or the authors of this book be liable
for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the
information in this book.
The information in this book is intended as an informative guide only, and does not guar-
antee the successful resolution of your relationship problems. By reading or applying the
information in the book, you recognize that you are responsible for your own behavior,
and none of this book is to be considered legal or personal advice.
All rights reserved.
Copyright 2010 Clay Andrews, Mika Maddela & Datsusara Media LLC
Originally published May 2011
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, elec-
trical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage
or retrieval system without permission in writing from the author.
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Table of Contents
If You Are Feeling Desperate and Thingking of
Doing Something Drastic...........................................................................6
Who is Clay Andrews?................................................................................7
Introduction..................................................................................................9
What Is Relationship Inner Game?..................................................................................10
Roots and Leaves - An Analogy on Authentic Relationships...........................................11
This Guide Is About You..................................................................................................11
Part I - Nourishing the Leaves - Cultivating Mindset.............................14
Having the Right Mindset to Get Her Back......................................................................14
Are You Acting Out of Character These Days?................................................................14
How to Calm Irrational Thoughts When Your Ex Is Dating Again....................................15
What the No Contact Rule Really Means........................................................................17
How to Use the No Contact Rule (Or What to Do If You Cant Cut Contact)...................19
Fine-Tuning Your Mindset................................................................................................21
Awareness.......................................................................................................................22
What Is Awareness?.............................................................................................22
How Do You Develop Awareness?.......................................................................23
Awareness Exercise - Mental Reset.....................................................................25
Awareness Is More Than Just Mental..................................................................26
Awareness Exercise - Physical Reset..................................................................27
Acceptance.......................................................................................................................27
What Is Acceptance?............................................................................................27
Acceptance and Break Ups..................................................................................28
A Special Note About Needing Your Girlfriend Back vs Wanting Her Back............30
Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity..............................................................31
Acceptance Exercise - Mirror Affrmations............................................................32
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Commitment.....................................................................................................................33
What Is Commitment?..........................................................................................33
Commitment Exercise - Changing Course.............................................................36
Commitment Exercise - Speaking Your Truth........................................................37
Integration.........................................................................................................................37
What Is Integration?.............................................................................................37
How to Overcome the Pain of Heartbreak..............................................................38
Advanced Advice for Overcomeing Heartbreak....................................................43
Focus Exercise - Adopting an Attitude of Gratitude...............................................47
Focus Exercise - Burning Away Your Negative Emotions.....................................48
Evaluating What Went Wrong in Your Relationship.........................................................51
Conclusion for Nourishing the Roots...............................................................................51
Part II - Strengthening the Limbs - Your Plan to Get Her Back.............53
Knowing If Youre Ready to Contact Your Ex...................................................................53
Awareness.......................................................................................................................55
Awareness Exercise - Soul Gazing.......................................................................57
Acceptance.....................................................................................................................58
Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity........................................................................60
Commitment.....................................................................................................................61
Commitment Exercise - Holding Your Ground......................................................63
Your Blueprint for Getting Your Girlfriend Back...............................................................64
How to Contact Your Ex...................................................................................................64
Sending a Letter....................................................................................................65
Sending an Email..................................................................................................66
What to Do If She Doesnt Respond.....................................................................68
What If She Contacts You First.............................................................................68
Asking Her Out.....................................................................................................69
The First Date.......................................................................................................71
Oh My God! There She Is! Now What?..............................................................72
Who Pays for the Date?........................................................................................72
What to Talk About................................................................................................72
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Key Signs Your Ex Still Likes You.........................................................................74
Second Dates (and Beyond)................................................................................78
Expectations for the Second Date...................................................................................78
On the Topic of Sex...............................................................................................79
How and When to Bring Up the Subject of Reuniting...........................................81
Long Distance Relationships............................................................................................82
What to Do If You Have a Negative Experience with Your Ex..........................................83
What If She Has a New Boyfriend Already?.....................................................................84
If Things Do Not Work Out...............................................................................................86
Part III - Flourishing Leaves - Building a Relationship That Lasts..........88
Awareness.............................................................................................................88
Acceptance............................................................................................................90
Commitment..........................................................................................................91
Common Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them..............................................92
Your Girlfriend Takes You for Granted....................................................................92
Failure to Really Talk to Each Other...................................................................93
Too Much Arguing and Fighting.............................................................................94
Youve Become a Jerk..........................................................................................95
Youve Become a Nice Guy..................................................................................96
She Says She Cant Trust You..............................................................................97
How to Keep Passion in the Relationship........................................................................98
Closing Thoughts.............................................................................................................99
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If You Are Feeling Desperate and Thinking of Doing Something Drastic
Relationships are very important to us in our lives. They often rank among the most im-
portant things in a persons life next to family, friends, and career. With that said, when
your relationship is suddenly gone, it is easy to feel like you need to do something drastic
to get your exs attention.
Whether its hurting yourself, hurting your ex, hooking up with random women, seeking
revenge in some way, or stalking your ex, I want to let you know that doing something
extreme is not going to get you the attention that you want.
Maybe you have fantasies of how some kind of desperate action is going to prove your
love to your ex-girlfriend or make her realize how important you are to her.
I want you to take a moment and ask yourself if this is something that is really good for
you? Is this the kind of thing that you would be proud to say you did? If it isnt in line with
who you are, it is a desperate cry for help or attention and it isnt something you should
probably do.
If you really need help, go and ask for it. Seek the help of a therapist if you are in extreme
pain and feel like you are on the verge of doing something that you will later regret or that
you may harm others.
Remember, that you should never use a permanent solution for a temporary
problem.
I know that there is a good chance you are in a lot of pain right now, but you probably
know that this pain will pass with time, one way or the other.
So if you feel completely consumed with the pain of grief, loss, or depression, please get
up and go talk to a friend or seek professional help right now.
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The best way to get your ex-girlfriend back is to love yourself and become the attractive
man that she fell in love with in the frst place. Thats what this guide is about.
Who Is Clay Andrews?
My name is Clay Andrews. Im sorry that we couldnt have met under better circumstanc-
es. I know how diffcult it is to get dumped by your girlfriend and want nothing more than
to get her back.
Now, before we get into all the details of this program, I wanted to tell you my own per-
sonal story.
Now, Im no relationship guru by any stretch of the imagination. Ive never been inter-
viewed on talk shows or anything like that. Im just your regular guy. I live in Portland,
Oregon and I sit in front of a computer all day typing and doing work for my company.
Heres my break up story from a few years ago:
Now, my girlfriend Stacy was a few years younger than me. I had just fnished college and
got my frst real job about the same time that Stacy was fnishing up community college.
I remember when she called me. I was at the grocery store doing some shopping. She
sounded so excited. She told me that she had just gotten accepted to Central Washington
University in Ellensburg, Washington.
I suppose if you were to look on a map, Ellensburg isnt really that far from where I live,
but at the time I didnt own a car (after all, college is expensive). Every other weekend or
so I would take the Greyhound bus out to Ellensburg to visit and spend some time with
her.
Things went great for awhile. I would go out and visit her; she would come out to the big
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city and visit me.
But then things started to take a turn for the worse. We had a few arguments and a
couple long talks. Im sure you know how those usually go.
Anyway, one day, I had gotten home from a long day of work and was changing into a T-
shirt and jeans to relax when she called me.
She said that she couldnt do this anymore and that she needed to break up with me.
I remember hanging up the phone in tears. It felt so unreal. I felt a queasy feeling in my
stomach and everything just seemed like it was all some sort of horrible dream. Make
that nightmare.
Over the next few days, it was a real struggle just to go into work. My mind would keep
going back to Stacy. Had she hooked up with that guy she would always talk about in her
History class? Maybe if I could just tell her how much I loved her she would come back
to me.
Needless to say, I wasnt exactly very productive during this period in my life.
One night, I was hanging out with one of my close friends when he told me that she actu-
ally did hook up with that guy in her History class (his name was Josh). Its amazing how
good your intuition can be sometimes.
This made me feel even worse. To think that I was suffering here on my own, while she
was enjoying a new relationship with her new boyfriend.
I felt like crap, to put it mildly.
Things are different now. I managed to survive the heartbreak and eventually rebuild my-
self following the breakup. In the end, I did get my girlfriend back, however we eventually
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parted ways a few years later due to other circumstances, but thats another story.
Ive written for mens and womens relationship advice websites since 2009, helping men
and women across the world enjoy better relationships.
Im telling you all this because I want you to understand that I really get what youre going
through.
I know it can be tough to have your girlfriend dump you. Ive been there myself. I know
what its like to have to get up from your desk at work because you feel so crappy that you
need to just go to the restroom and cry.
I want you to know that all the information in this guide is the very best that I know of and
I sincerely hope that you can use it to help you get your girlfriend back and help you be-
come a better and stronger person, both in your love life and in your personal life.
Your Friend,
Clay Andrews
Introduction
Lets get a few things straight before we dive into this program here. There are a lot of
relationship gurus that will tell you specifc things to do or say to get your ex back.
Maybe these things will work, but unless youre willing to look at yourself and your rela-
tionship, and unless youre willing to change what didnt work the frst time that led up
to the break up, youre relationship will probably end with another break up within 1 to 3
months.
This guide isnt about hypnotizing your ex or using psychological tricks to manipulate your
girlfriend back (yes, Ive actually seen this kind of crap before--maybe you have too). This
guide isnt about pulling a fast one your ex or fooling her into coming back.
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This guide is about improving yourself and taking a close look at why your relationship
failed. This guide is about rekindling that initial spark that brought you and your girlfriend
together in the frst place and allowing for the natural attraction between the two of you to
come back (not tricking her into coming back).
If youre looking for sneaky, underhanded tricks to get your girlfriend back, then this guide
is not for you.
After all, you wouldnt want to get your girlfriend back by trickery, would you? How lousy
would you feel waking up in the morning, looking at her and thinking that shes not really
there because she loves you or because she wants to be with you, but only because you
manipulated and tricked her. For me, that would be one of the worst feelings in the world,
and not something I would wish on anyone.
Wouldnt it be better to wake up, seeing her there and knowing that she is there by your
side because she genuinely and truly cares about you, and that she made the conscious
choice to be there with you and give your relationship a second shot?
If you want a real and authentic relationship that both you and your girlfriend can be ex-
cited about, then keep reading.
What Is the Inner Game of Relationships?
Maybe youve heard of the term inner game before. A lot of guys out in the dating scene
use this term to describe their beliefs and mentality about meeting women. After all, if
you have bad inner game youll be too nervous and awkward to approach an attractive
woman. On the other hand, if you have strong inner game youll be able to confdently
approach any woman you want and ask her out easily.
This guide is going to teach you about inner game for relationships. If your relationship
ended with you getting dumped or is riddled with constant arguments and fghts, then
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chances are good that you could beneft from working on your inner game.
Roots and Leaves - An Analogy on Authentic Relationships
Try to think of it like this. You know a tree doesnt grow from the outside in. A tree grows
from the roots upward.
Your relationship is the exact same way. It doesnt grow from memorizing tips and tricks
on how to manipulate your girlfriend. It grows from the coming together of two unique
people with love, affection, and passion.
Tips and tricks are like trying to help a dying tree by stapling healthy leaves to it to give it
the appearance of being healthy. This isnt going to make the tree healthy. The tree will
still be dying.
Even if these psychological tricks did work and your ex did get back together with you,
would anything in the relationship be different? No, the same problems would still be
there, and it wont take her long to realize this and leave again.
Instead, if you water the roots and make sure they get enough nutrients, then you can
get the tree to the point where it becomes healthy again and the leaves naturally begin to
grow and fourish on their own. The tree is healthy again to the core.
This is what Id like to help you with in your relationship. This guide is about helping you
nourish yourself so that you can be a more genuine and authentic person in your relation-
ship and get your girlfriend back so that the two of you can enjoy a renewed and fulflling
relationship together.
This Guide Is About You
You cannot control another person. No matter how hard you try, if the woman in your life
is convinced that she is better off without you and she wont talk to you no matter what
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you do, there is very little that can be done to fx the relationship.
The one thing you can control though, is you.
This guide will show you how to be the most real and genuine person you can be. This
guide will help you access your real personality and cut through things like desperation
and insecurity that are holding you back. This guide will give you the best chance youve
got at ethically winning your girlfriend back and making your relationship stronger than it
was before.
The Ex Solution Program is divided into 3 parts.
The frst section is about you. If youre anything like me, you were are a complete
wreck in the aftermath of your break up. You feel horrible, you can barely function during
the day, and you cant sleep at night.
Maybe youve done some things that you regret like calling your girlfriend several times
a day to beg her to take you back, buying gifts for her, apologizing even though you dont
know what youre apologizing for, or drunk dialing her. This section is going to help you
pull yourself together, get over the pain of the break up, and become the man that she fell
in love with the frst time.
The second section is about her. After youve done the appropriate work on yourself
to get your emotions under control and really understand why the relationship didnt work
out, this section will show you how to approach your ex-girlfriend and win her back.
I know how anxious you probably feel about talking to your ex right now. This section will
help guide you by the hand through exactly how you should contact her, what you should
do when you meet her, and how exactly you should propose getting back together again.
The third section is about your relationship. By this point you should be back together
with your girlfriend. But the battle doesnt stop here. Did you know that most couples
that get back together after a break up will only break up again within the next 3 months?
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Here were going to make sure that you dont end up like this.
Here youll discover the how to maintain a strong and successful relationship that can
stand the test of time. If you can get this stuff right, you wont have to worry about your
girlfriend ever leaving you again.
With that said, lets not waste any more time. This next section is about you.
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Part I - Nourishing the Roots - Cultivating Mindset
Having the Right Mindset to Get Her Back
Things may seem tough right now, and I totally understand how youre feeling right now.
It can seem like your whole life is falling apart. Most of all you feel a little panic, as if shes
going to fnd another guy to hook up with, and youll just end up being a footnote in her life.
A lot of guys go a little crazy when they frst get dumped and they do a lot of things that
just arent in character with who they are. In the midst of many breakups a lot of men dont
act like themselves. They might call their ex-girlfriend several times per day, following her
every move on Facebook, or even end up stalking her.
If this is something you might be doing, then I strongly recommend that you keep reading.
Its easy to get carried away with obsessive thoughts about what shes up to, why she
left you, or if she is with someone else. What did you do to make her leave you? Was it
because you werent good enough? Sometimes you might even stay up all night worrying
about things like this, completely unable to sleep (I know I have).
This isnt a healthy mindset to have if you really want to be successful at getting her back
and saving your relationship. What Ill show you how to do in this guide is to get past the
emotional pain of the break up, get your mindset in line with what you need for success,
and show you exactly what you need to do to get her back into your life again.
Are You Acting Out of Character These Days?
Some people who respond to breakups very irrationally and feel compelled to do things
that just arent in character with who they are. If this resonates with you, then pay atten-
tion to this. I know that the sudden loss of someone you love is unbearably painful. It may
feel as if you have this gaping hole in your chest that is causing pain every time you even
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so much as breathe. Not only is your heart crushed but so is your mind, body and spirit. If
youre thinking about doing something drastic, ask yourself this:
At what point did you decide to give up your own self-worth?
No matter how much pain youre in right now, you should always maintain your own sense
of self-respect and dignity.
How to Calm Irrational Thoughts When Your Ex is Dating Again
You need to calm your mind so you can act like yourself and get on the path to getting
your ex back. The scariest thought running through your head is probably that your ex is
moving on with her life and youll never see her again. Do you often worry that she will
fnd another guy better than you or just plain forget you? These thoughts will not help you
get your ex back whatsoever.
Keep in mind that if you and your girlfriend have been together for awhile, she is still think-
ing about you just as youre thinking about her. I can guarantee that.
Dont believe me? Even if your ex-girlfriend started dating again, youre still on her mind.
Why? Because you and your her have a history together. And in that history you two
shared a deep intimacy. You shared a certain depth that doesnt come within the frst few
months of dating. Deep intimacy is something that takes time to build.
Intimacy doesnt happen over night or even over the course of a few weeks. Yes, it may
seem like she has moved on, but the truth is, she still thinks about you. You and your ex
shared a certain vulnerability that she hasnt had a chance to share with the other man
she may be seeing.
She may try to fake it by bringing her new relationship up to the same level as the one you
two had, but trust me, even if the two of them are engaged or getting very serious, it isnt
the real thing. Sooner or later the pressure on the their new relationship will become too
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much and, like most rebound relationships, it will fall apart.
Rebound relationships rarely work out because if your girlfriend jumps into a new relation-
ship before shes had the time to process all the emotions and feelings of the break up,
then all those feelings will be dumped onto her new partner. That alone is enough to end
most new relationships.
Also, she will often compare her new relationship with the one you two shared. Her re-
lationship with her new boyfriend may be different and new to her, but she will still be
thinking about the memories that she shared with you. These will prevent her from truly
moving on and enjoying the new relationship despite how rosy it may seem to you from
the outside looking in.
Some guys might even respond to a break up by trying to date another woman to get
even or to go out and pick up women at bars or clubs. This isnt really advisable either
since you, yourself havent had the time to process your own feelings about the break up.
In a way, youre just bottling them up and trying to ignore your own pain from the break up.
Not to mention the fact that if your ex-girlfriend fnds out that you are dating someone new,
she will probably take that as a sign you have moved on and that she should move on too.
So, if you want to get her back, dont date anyone new--firting is fne, but nothing more.
Or maybe, you just feel trapped in feelings of depression. Maybe you can barely face
the world each day. Just going to work or doing basic things throughout the day is nearly
impossible with the emotional pain youre dealing with.
Perhaps youre playing the blame game. Do you spend all day analyzing what went
wrong in your relationship? If only you had done this and not that, you wouldnt be going
through this painful mess. Does this sound a lot like you? Its one thing to take responsibil-
ity for the breakup but its another thing to blame yourself. It takes two people to make
a relationship succeed or fail, so dont feel like youre completely to blame for what hap-
pened.
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Dont blame yourself but do take responsibility. You are going to have to own up to what
happened between you and your ex. Im not saying full responsibility but just accept that
fact that in some way or another you contributed to the breakup.
Key Points and Action Steps:
Dont worry if your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new at this point. She hasnt
forgotten you.
Dont try to date other women in an attempt to make her jealous if your plan is
to get her back.
Dont blame yourself for everything that went wrong. Relationships take two
people to work.
What the No Contact Rule Really Means
This is where the No Contact rule comes into play.
Simply put, all you have to do is completely stop any future text messages, phone calls,
letters, emails and so forth to your girlfriend for at least one month. This means ALL com-
munications. This also means no sex. Ideally, what you will be doing is vanishing off the
face of the earth, from her perspective.
Youre going to do this for three important reasons:
First, as weve just discussed, youre going through a lot of complex emotions
right now. You probably feel rejected, lost, hurt, and eager to make things right with your
girlfriend. Cutting all contact with her will help you fnd the time you need to heal and get
your emotions back to normal.
Second, this is actually what your ex-girlfriend wants. No matter what reason your
girlfriend gave you for breaking up with your, or no matter what she said about staying
friends, she really just wants space away from the relationship (at least for now).
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This might be diffcult, but she really just wants time away from you and the relationship
for now. Instinctively, you probably feel that you need to fx things or that you just need to
get through to her and let her know how much you love her to make things better.
However, this wont really work. In fact, it explains exactly why many peoples attempts to
get their girlfriend back by calling her several times per day to explain their feelings, beg
her to come back, or apologizing for things simply fail.
The more you reach out to her, the more she feels like you arent hearing her request for
space away from the relationship. This makes her feel like she has to pull away even
further from you to get the space she wants to think things over and put things in perspec-
tive.
A lot of guys really screw up their chances of getting back together with their girlfriend
or saving their relationship because of this very reason. They may have been perfectly
capable of getting her back, but because he couldnt back off and give her some space,
she just kept pushing him away until he was completely out of her life for good.
Third, the No Contact rule will also help your girlfriend miss you. By completely dis-
appearing from her life, she is forced to live with the consequences of her choice to break
up with you. If you are constantly talking to her on the phone, spending time with her, or
even having sex with her, then she really doesnt suffer much loss at all. She gets all the
benefts of having boyfriend, but without the commitment.
In fact, she is having it both ways, which really isnt fair to you. This allows her to use you,
if she really wants to. She can date around and enjoy single life, all the while knowing that
she can easily fall back on you if things dont work out.
If you just back off and give her that space, she will feel what its like to not have you in
her life and more often than not, shell probably even call you up or ask you to get together
with her after a week or two. If it seems like every attempt youve made to reach out to
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her has only fallen on deaf ears, this can seem like a godsend.
However, I dont recommend doing the No Contact rule for the sole purpose of getting
her to contact you because she misses you. Ideally, youll want to do this for the frst two
reasons--either to help yourself heal or the respect her wish for space--rather than trying
to manipulate or trick her into talking to you.
If youre interested in just manipulating her, then Im afraid youve got a long and probably
painful road for yourself ahead. Again, this eBook is about cultivating the inner mindset
you need to get your girlfriend back and to enjoy a happy and fulflling relationship. Just
going after tactics without acquiring the proper mindset is going to make things much
more challenging and much less effective.
No Contact for on month will give you time to heal.
You will be giving your girlfriend the space that she really wants.
She will be forced to live with the consequences of her decision.
How to Use the No Contact Rule (Or What to Do If You Cant Cut Con-
tact)
The No Contact rule is fairly straightforward. Simply, just cut off all contact with your ex-
girlfriend for one month. This includes:
Talking on the phone
Talking in person
Having sex with her
Sending her gifts
Talking to her friends or family
Text messaging her
Emailing her
Sending her messages on Facebook or other websites
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Looking at her Facebook profle or other website profles
Instant messaging her
Any other form of interaction between you and her
Now, depending on your situation, you may not be able to do all of these things. For ex-
ample, if you work with your ex-girlfriend, you wont be able to help but see her or talk to
her from time to time.
If this is the case, just keep the interactions strictly professional. Dont add any sort of
humor or personality to them whatsoever. Just act as though the two of you never had
any sort of romantic relationship or friendship at all.
This may seem cold, but again, you cant go giving her the benefts of being in a relation-
ship, such as enjoying emotional intimacy, without the commitment of a relationship.
So, basically, cut all contact with her that you can. If you cant completely cut contact
for one reason or another, just keep it professional and eliminate the remaining forms of
contact that you can.
The most effective way to apply the No Contact rule is to simply vanish off the face of the
earth from her point of view. This is especially true if you perhaps did some things that
may have been a bit desperate to try to get through to her at initially.
Just going completely silent in an instant will make her wonder what happened and it will
keep you on her thoughts more than if you specifcally told her that you were cutting con-
tact. This will allow her to truly feel the loss of having you around without thinking that its
just some kind of phase you are going through.
You dont have to do this, but in my experience, just completely vanishing will give you the
best results. Either way, stop contacting your ex-girlfriend for one month to give yourself
the time to heal, to respect her desire for space, and to make her live with the conse-
quences of her decision.
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In the next sections, Ill show you what to do during this one month period, how to ease
back into communication, and start dating again.
To do No Contact, completely sever all forms of communication with your ex-
girlfriend.
If you are unable to completely cut contact due to circumstances, keep your
interactions professional while eliminating other forms of contact.
Fine-Tuning Your Mindset
Now before we go into specifc things to do during your one month of No Contact, I want
to go over a few simple points that were going to be referring to over and over again
throughout this guide. These are qualities that you can cultivate in yourself that will help
you both in your life in general and in your relationship. During your one month of No
Contact, you should work on cultivating these qualities.
These qualities are:
Awareness
Acceptance
Commitment
And once you begin cultivating these 3 things in your life, you will start to notice that all
your relationship problem will naturally and easily resolve themselves.
Once you have all 3 qualities and you can feel completely fne with who you are, the pas-
sion will naturally fow out of your relationship and your life. This is the secret to keeping
the spark in your relationship. The love and romance will fow naturally and you wont
have to struggle or memorize relationship guru tips to help you keep your relationship
alive and well.
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Anyway, here is a detailed description of the 3 elements and specifcally how they relate
to you as an individual (dont worry, in the upcoming sections of this book, well cover how
to use them when relating to your girlfriend and your relationship as well).
Awareness
What Is Awareness?
Why is Awareness so important to you and helping you get your girlfriend back or sustain
a relationship? Think of it like this:
Imagine you look out the window and you see a man walking down the street. Not on the
sidewalk, but in the middle of the street. There are cars swerving around him and honking
their horns at him, but he is completely oblivious to them.
You rush outside to help him. You warn him about all the danger he is in by walking down
the middle of the street. You tell him that he might get hit by a car, but he simply brushes
everything you say off as not true and keeps marching down the middle of the street.
You follow him, concerned for his general safety and you see him about to walk up a free-
way onramp. You know hell be in even greater danger if he makes it to the freeway. Its
not a matter of if, but when, hell be hit by a car traveling at 60 miles per hour. You beg
and plead for him to stop doing what hes doing, but he tells you that its completely safe
and that there is no danger.
Now imagine for a moment that there might be ways that you could be sleepwalking
through your own life and your relationships in this way.
Or think of it like this. Imagine what it is like to be a goldfsh, spending your entire life
swimming in water. If someone asked you about the water you were swimming in, you
wouldnt know what they were talking about. As a goldfsh, you spend your whole life in
water, so you dont really understand what water is because youve never been outside of
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it. Youre so involved in it, so swimming in it, that you dont even realize its there. At all.
Awareness is about fnding that realization when you fnally get that youre swimming in
water, sometimes for your entire life. Awareness is about seeing how youre being and
what youre doing both consciously and unconsciously in your relationship with yourself
and with your girlfriend.
Could it be possible that there are things in your life and in your relationships that you are
completely unaware of, but are actually very damaging to you and the very relationship
you want to enjoy?
Cultivating Awareness is about learning to see the things that you do and the dynamics in
your relationship that you were previously unaware of.
By gaining Awareness into small (or big) things that you were previously unaware of, you
can suddenly have the power to choose how you respond to them instead of merely
sleepwalking through your relationship and your life like our friend in the street or the
goldfsh from the above stories.
Building Awareness is about waking from the places in our lives where we are sleepwalk-
ing and beginning to consciously decide how we handle the situations we encounter in
our lives and in our relationships.
To put it in other words, Awareness gives you the power to choose how you respond to
something, where before you may have only been reacting automatically.
Awareness is about choice.
How Do You Develop Awareness?
You will naturally start to become more Aware when you practice being in the present
moment.
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Now, if youre anything like me, youve probably heard that phrase before, being in the
moment, but aside from some hippie talk, you really dont understand what it means.
All it really means is bringing your full attention to this moment as it is happening right
now. You see, not many people really live in the moment. They get distracted by their
mind and it takes them off to places other than the present where they lose Awareness.
Whenever you are not in the present moment, your mind is either in one of the following
4 places:
In the past - If only things could be good like they were when we frst started
dating
In the future - What am I going to say if I see here this weekend?
Judging yourself - Im such a loser for not showing her how important she is to
me.
Judging others - How could my girlfriend be so insensitive and date someone
new so soon?
If you ever catch yourself thinking of any of these four things, you know you are not fully
in the present moment. The present moment has nothing to do with the past or the future,
and it cannot judge anyone or anything as good or bad or anything else. The present
simply is. There is also no suffering in the present moment because that requires that you
compare the present to something else.
If you are feeling horrible about your break up or because you miss your girlfriend, there
is a very good chance that you are not being fully present. This doesnt mean that you
should bottle up your feelings or push them aside. If you genuinely feel sad in the mo-
ment, then you can and should express that sadness, but to numb yourself from it or to
obsess over it is defnitely not Awareness.
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Key Points and Actions Steps:
Awareness is about choice.
Awareness is about waking up to what is really going on.
Do the following two exercises to help you expand your Awareness on a regular
basis.
Awareness Exercise - Mental Reset
For centuries, many cultures have stressed the importance of meditation in helping you
to live in the moment. Now, Im not saying you need to go up into the mountains and
meditate for decades on end to start to build Awareness in your life.
All you need to do is practice this simple meditation exercise for about 5 minutes per day
to help bring your focus back to the present moment:
Find a quiet place where you can be alone for about 5 minutes. Maybe this is a room
in your house, a park down the street, or maybe just in your car while its parked in the
driveway.
Close your eyes and simply focus your mind on your breathing. Only pay attention to your
breathing. If at anytime you notice your attention goes to something else, let that be okay
and simply bring your attention back to your breath.
If you try this, youll probably discover that this is incredibly diffcult to do. Dont feel bad
about that (after all, thats a judgement of yourself, isnt it?). It is quite diffcult to tame the
monkey mind from running amok from one thought to the next, but with some work you
can begin to fnd calmness and the ability to dwell in the present moment.
This exercise is a great way to deal with stress in your life, either from your relationship or
from anything else. Simply take a few minutes each day and focus on your breath, and
youll be surprised not only at how much more Aware you feel, but also how this dramati-
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cally decreases your stress.
Awareness Is More Than Just Mental
Dont think that Awareness is just about focusing your mind though. Although Awareness
is very much about your mental focus on the present moment, it is also about bringing
your physical body into the present moment as well.
Maybe this is something you might have diffculty believing if this is the frst time youve
ever heard something like this before. But our physical bodies are very much connected
to how we feel and what we think.
Remember the last time you were really stressed out about something? If youre like
most people, you probably started to feel tense in your neck and shoulders. If the stress
went on for quite awhile, like say a few weeks, chances are it just became normal to you
and you just kept going through your life day in and day out so accustomed to stress that
you no longer even noticed it. But your body didnt forget. Your shoulders and neck still
stayed tense, like when you have stress knots in your shoulders.
You see, we can store forgotten emotions in our bodies. After awhile, these parts of our
bodies just go numb to a certain extent. I dont mean numb in the same way as you would
feel if your leg fell asleep, but numb like this:
Can you feel your belly? What does it feel like? Are there any muscle in your abdomen
that tensed up right now, that maybe you didnt realize until just now? Can you feel your
abdomen brush up against your shirt as you breathe in and out?
Now if youre like most people, then you probably didnt notice much at all. Its actually
fairly common for people these days to be completely numb or not in their bodies at all.
Dont worry though, with practice you can start to drop into your body and really begin to
feel your body again.
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Awareness Exercise - Physical Reset
This is a simple exercise you can do to start to get back in touch with your body.
Find a quiet place you can rest undisturbed for about 5 or 10 minutes and close your eyes.
Now, focus your mind on your feet. Can you feel your feet pressed against the foor or the
inside your shoes? What do they feel like? Are they tired?
Slowly, one bit at a time move your attention from your feet to your toes, ankles, shins,
knees, thighs, crotch, hips, belly, chest, shoulders, arms, face, forehead, scalp, neck, up-
per back, lower back, and buttocks. Take the time to really feel each of them and notice
how you hold each part of your body. Notice places where you are tense or numb.
Again, dont worry if this is diffcult for you, or you dont particularly feel anything the frst
time you do this. Keep practicing it and you will start to develop that Awareness of your
body and how it feels.
This exercise may perhaps be easier for you if you were to listen to a recording guiding
you through it. Please listen to the recording you got with this product titled Physical
Reset to help you with dropping into your body.
Acceptance
What Is Acceptance?
If the frst step in authentic relationships is building Awareness, then the second is Accep-
tance. Awareness deals with what you are aware of and how much of yourself you bring
to the relationship or to your experience of life, both mentally and physically; Acceptance
deals with how much you are willing to accept what you are noticing with your girlfriend,
yourself, or your relationship.
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Acceptance is diffcult to describe, but it is often easier to describe what it is not.
You are not in Acceptance when you feel like your girlfriend needs to be a certain way or
do certain things (this includes getting back together with you).
You are not in Acceptance when you feel that you need to be a certain way in order to be
loved or to love others.
You are not in Acceptance when you feel that your relationship needs to be a certain way
or look like something else in order to be happy (or if you are resisting and fghting against
the fact that you broke up).
To put it in other words, you are not in Acceptance whenever you resist what is happening
or what happened, when you try to force someone into a box or you need them to be a
certain way, when you are attached to something playing out in a specifc way.
Acceptance is complete detachment from any outcome. I know this may be challenging
for you, but if you let it be okay that your girlfriend broke up with you, then your chances
of getting her back will dramatically increase.
Now when I am recommending that you detach yourself from any given outcome and let
what happens be okay, this doesnt mean that you have to agree with the break up or that
you should be happy about it. It simply means that you dont resist it.
Acceptance and Break Ups
Now, if youve been dumped and youve maybe done a few things you probably arent
particularly proud of in the past few days or weeks, theres a good chance you havent
been accepting the break up.
When you are out of Acceptance, you will tend to overanalyze everything trying to see if
it is going well. You will worry about all the little things your girlfriend does. Youll hang
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on every Facebook update, youll try to read into every conversation she has with you
looking for signs that she misses you, youll worry about if she has a new boyfriend or not.
Maybe youll try to do things to get your ex back. Maybe youve called her, begged for
her to take you back, or tried buying her gifts. Maybe youve even learned a few of those
manipulation tricks that other people teach. But you know, those dont work otherwise
you wouldnt be here now.
The problem with them is that they involve trying to get your ex back. And when you are
trying to be something or do something to win your girlfriend back you are not accepting
the reality, which is that she wants space from you and the relationship. And we all know
that the harder you try the harder it is to get her back.
When you adopt Acceptance, you dont have to try to get your girlfriend back, you can
simply accept the break up and respond from there. This isnt something you can fake.
If you pretend to accept it and youre not really, then it will come across as phoney and
youll just seem apathetic and distant.
Again, this isnt something that is easy to do, but if you can get this, then it will just blow
open doors of possibility with you and your ex.
To put it another way, Acceptance is about being emotionally okay with what is happened
in your life. By emotionally okay I dont mean that you are happy about what happened,
just that you accept that it happened and you arent resisting it.
When you resist something like a break up, you add extra emotional suffering to it and
you try to fght against reality. When you accept it, you may still feel sadness, but you
wont add extra pain to it by resisting it, and you will also be in a much more balanced
state of mind to take effective action to get your ex back.
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A Special Note About Needing Your Girlfriend Back vs. Wanting Her
Back
I know this applies to a lot of people who have been dumped, so I want to take a moment
to ask you if you feel that you need your girlfriend back or if you want your girlfriend back.
Maybe youre wondering what the difference is. There is a huge difference between want-
ing or needing your ex.
Needing someone to love you is very unattractive and unappealing. When your girlfriend
left you, you found that your life had a sudden void in it. Thats why many guys cant help
but feel like they need her back. This is where youre going to have to change your per-
spective. You can carry on with your life without her. There is a huge difference between
needing someone or wanting someone.
For example, picture two guys at a bar. One is just a normal guy and the other one is
an alcoholic. The normal guy thinks it would be fun to have a few beers and hang out
for a bit, but the alcoholic feels that he needs alcohol in order to deal with his life. Do
you think these two men would make different choices throughout the night? How about
throughout their entire lives? Which do you think is more likely to enjoy himself and just
be happier in general? Which do you think is probably more fun to be around?
Now, consider two guys who just got dumped by their girlfriends. One would like to have
his girlfriend back and the other needs his girlfriend back. Do you think that these two
men would make different choices when dealing with their ex-girlfriends? Do you think
that these men would likely get different results when it comes to actually getting her
back? You better believe it!
You see, if you feel like you need your girlfriend back, shell pick up on this. Shell know
that youve got it bad for her and she knows that she can come back to you whenever she
feels like it. Shell go out and date all kinds of guys with the security of knowing that you
are her fall back in case anything goes wrong. Maybe she doesnt consciously think this,
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but on an unconscious level, she probably does.
Or, if you approached her from the standpoint of needing her back, you would act and
behave in a very different way than if you wanted her back. You probably already know
this. As an extreme example, this is the difference between the guy that begs and pleads
for her to take him back verses the cool and relaxed guy and masterfully wins back her
love with charisma and charm.
You have to understand that your girlfriend broke up with you for a reason. There is no
way that you can convince her to take you back with logic, explaining, or apologies. You
can not control anyones emotions or thoughts. Trying to change her mind or convince her
that she is making a mistake will only make you look more desperate and undesirable.
Who wants someone in their lives that tells them what they do or dont want? Not many
people, and Im guessing your girlfriend is no different.
Acceptance is about being okay emotionally with what is happening.
You are not in Acceptance when you resist or fght against what is.
There is a huge difference between needing your girlfriend back and wanting
her back
Do the following two exercises regularly to cultivate Acceptance.

Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity
Simply fnd a place to sit down. This could be anywhere such as a park, the mall, or any-
where else. Then simply just soak in everything you see and experience.
Notice if you put any judgments on anything. Such as that screaming baby is annoying
or that girl is so hot, shed never talk to me.
Get in the habit of simply being around other people without having to judge or label them.
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Simply soak them in and let them impact you.
When you notice that you start to label someone or put them in a certain category, try
to remind yourself that these are real people who all have their own dreams, fears, and
aspirations. They have their own feelings just like you, and do their best to fnd their own
small piece of happiness in this world, the same as you do.
At the same time, notice how you feel in your body or any passing thoughts in your mind
while you do this. Again, the idea isnt to judge or label anyone. Just notice your body
and your thoughts and try to just treat them like clouds passing through the sky on a sum-
mer day.
This will probably be diffcult at frst, but with more practice you can start to let go of the
part of you that judges, categorizes, and labels your experience of the world around you.
Appreciation Exercise - Mirror Affrmations
An important distinction to make is between need and desire. Again, if you approach
your ex-girlfriend from a needy place, you will be much less likely to get her back. The
main difference between neediness and desire is this:
Neediness = Im not okay without her
Desire = Im okay without her, but I still want her
This is an enormous distinction to make. Neediness is unattractive because, in a sense,
you become dependent on her for your emotional well-being. No one likes that kind of
pressure placed on them.
The goal isnt to become needless. That would just strip you of your own humanity. The
goal here is to shift from looking outside of yourself to meet your emotional needs to fnd-
ing ways that you can satisfy your own emotional needs yourself. For example, many
people going through a break up will feel absolutely miserable and look to their ex and her
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reactions to determine how they feel. Instead, you will have a much easier time if you can
learn how to base how you feel on yourself rather than other people.
A good way to do this is to stand in front of a mirror every day (preferably before going
to bed or after waking up), stare yourself in the eye, and repeat an affrmation such as
Everything is okay or some other custom affrmation that you might fnd more useful for
10 to 15 minutes.
Here are a few affrmations you might want to consider:
Everything is okay
I am okay
I can handle this
I love myself
You can also come up with other affrmations on your own. Just remember that the best
affrmations are stated in the present tense (I am okay rather than I will be okay) and
refect something positive (I love myself rather than I dont hate myself).
The act of staring yourself in the eye in a mirror is extremely important. You may have
done affrmations before with little results, but if you try doing them in a mirror on a daily
basis, you will super-charge them. Staring yourself in the eye gives you the experience of
focusing on someone and being focused on by someone simultaneously. A lot of people
resist this (ever notice how few people keep eye contact?) and doing this practice will help
you build the capacity to handle a lot of emotional intensity.
Commitment
What is Commitment?
By Commitment, Im not talking about what most people think of as Commitment. Im not
talking about wedding bells or any of that. The type of Commitment Im talking about how
committed you are to your core beliefs and values, both for yourself and the relationship.
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This is the foundation of trust and devotion from your partner.
You see, a lot of guys, especially guys that have just gotten dumped, recently tend to feel
very shaken. Your relationship is one of the most important things in your life, and when
it suddenly disappears, you can understandably feel like your entire life is spiraling out of
control.
Learning Commitment is about learning to own your experience and to be honest about
how you are feeling. Commitment is about acting with integrity.
For example if one of your friends heard about your break up and asked you how you were
feeling these days, you would not be owning your experience and speaking your truth if
you told him, Im doing fne when on the inside you really felt lousy and depressed.
On the other hand, you would be owning your experience if you told him You know, I ac-
tually feel pretty cruddy these days. This break up is pretty tough for me. Now you dont
have to start crying or anything like that, but the simple fact that you spoke your honest
truth and owned your experience means you were acting with integrity and Committing
yourself to being honest and transparent.
Similarly, I know of a guy that I was helping with his break up. He was 22 and his girlfriend
was 20 years old. In the United States, where he lives, youre not allowed to purchase
alcohol until youre 21 years old. His girlfriend was having a New Years party (which he
wasnt invited to by the way) and she asked him to by alcohol for her and her friends. He
declined, thankfully.
This is a great example of acting with Commitment to your values. He showed a huge
back bone by not caving to her every whim in the hopes of getting her back.
If youve already done a few things that you normally wouldnt just to try to win the favor
of your ex-girlfriend, thats okay. Just recognize that you compromised your integrity and
hold true to your values moving forward.
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A good way to tell if you are not acting with integrity is to notice any time you feel bad after
doing something. Guilt or shame is a huge indicator that what you did is not in alignment
with your core values.
(Note: This doesnt mean that what you did was wrong, just that, at least part of you,
doesnt believe that you should have done that. Many people have psychological com-
plexes that make they feel guilty for things that are really perfectly innocent, like asking
for help, for example)
Another way to tell you arent owning your experience is any time you say something
that can be argued. For example, if you were to ever say something like my girlfriend is
such a bitch for dumping me! that would not be acting from a place of Commitment. That
statement can be argued and thus it isnt your real, genuine experience. However, if you
said something like I feel betrayed and angry that my girlfriend dumped me, then that is
owning your truth.
The difference is subtle, but it makes a world of difference. No one can really debate how
you feel, but it certainly is debatable whether or not your girlfriend is a bitch.
Commitment is acting in accordance with your own values.
Commitment is owning your own experience and speaking your truth.
If you feel guilt or shame after you did something, you are probably not in
alignment with your values.
This does not necessarily mean what you did was wrong.
You are speaking your truth if no one can argue against what you say.
Do the following exercises to help you cultivate Commitment in your life.
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Commitment Exercise - Changing Course
Commitment and integrity is about more than just doing what you say youre going to do
and showing up on time for meetings. It is about living in alignment with your beliefs and
values.
Well get into this more in a bit, but can you think of anything that you feel deeply com-
pelled to do--maybe you even know that you should do it--but you just havent done it for
one reason or another?
Maybe you want to get a better job, maybe you have been putting back going to school,
or perhaps you know you should be doing something like the one month of No Contact
we talked about earlier. If you feel pulled to do something for your better good, but you
havent done it yet, this is the perfect time to do it.
Choose one thing you can do to make your life better and commit yourself
do following through on it.
Sometimes it is diffcult for people to get the initial momentum they need to follow through
with something, especially if they have been stuck in a rut for awhile. If that is you, here
is a trick you can use to help leverage yourself.
Say, youve decided youre going to start exercising and lose some weight. Set a measur-
able goal such as I will exercise at the gym at least three times each week. Then tell
a friend about this goal. In order to help you follow through have him check up with you
regularly as an accountability update. If you ever fail to go to the gym 3 times in a week
(or whatever), you owe him $20 or some other form of punishment.
Oftentimes we may let our goals slip, but if there is money or something else important to
us on the table, we are more likely to follow through.
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Commitment Exercise - Speaking Your Truth
Feel free to disagree or to be vulnerable. A lot of people have a diffcult time disagreeing
with others, and guys especially have a hard time being vulnerable with their emotions.
In your daily life, practice either disagreeing with others when they say something that you
genuinely disagree with --or-- try being completely honest and transparent with your feel-
ings and your experience of your life the next time someone asks you how youre doing.
If you are like most guys, it is probably diffcult for you to express your emotions. Men, at
least in western countries, have a notion that real men dont have feelings. This really
isnt the case, but still it might take some time to overcome the societal conditioning. It
may make you uncomfortable at frst, but trust me, it will really help you down the road.
So, either notice times when you feel compelled to say yes when you want to say no
and fnd the courage to actually say no --or-- fnd the courage to honestly share your
feelings with someone even though it may be uncomfortable for you.
What you may discover is that speaking your truth actually makes things easier than hold-
ing it back.
Integration
What Is Integration?
This section cuts across all the previous three levels weve discussed so far. This section
is about learning to feel perfectly grounded and accepting of yourself as a whole, but also
realizing that you are not perfect and committing yourself to constantly moving toward
becoming your best self.
Integration is diffcult because every person has their own unique sets of limiting beliefs
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and emotional wounds. However, moving forward with this section of the guide Ill share
specifc things you can do to help you blast through limiting beliefs and heal emotional
wounds.
At one point in your relationship, you and your girlfriend were crazy in love with each other
until the stresses of everyday life caused negative emotions to build up and tear your
relationship apart.
All you have to do is get yourself back to being that man she fell in love with in the frst
place and all the work is done for you. Heres a hint: You already are this man. You just
need to shed the negative emotions and get out of any rut you may have fallen into before
the break up.
Now, Im going to take you by the hand and help you get your emotions in check and
overcome the pain of heartbreak so you can approach your girlfriend with the best mental
attitude in order to get her back.
How to Overcome the Pain of Heartbreak
If youre like most people that get dumped, you probably feel pretty low right now. Maybe
it even seems like a real struggle just to get through the day. Every morning you get up
and go to work, you have to pass by all the restaurants and other places that you and
your girlfriend went to and shared good times at. It can feel like a real painful burden to
deal with.
But here are a four things you should be doing on a regular basis to help you get over
your heartbreak. It is especially important that you do these during the one month No
Contact period.
First, take the time to reconnect with friends and family. A lot of people, men espe-
cially, tend to put their other relationships on hold when they get a girlfriend. Suddenly,
nights out with the guys end up becoming nights in with the girlfriend, a DVD, and a bowl
39
of popcorn on the couch..
Try to reach back out to your friends and family and restore the connections that were
there that may have slipped a little while you were with your girlfriend. Your friends are
there for you. They understand that youre going through a diffcult time right now, and
Im sure that most of them want to make sure that youre doing okay.
Your friends and family are great for helping you get out of the house and avoiding those
days where you feel like youll just end up moping around in a bad mood. Theyll re-
mind you all the good times youve shared together and theyll help you build new happy
memories.
Theyll show you, in a way that conventional wisdom and well-intended advice cannot
fully get across, that life really does go on after a break up. At frst it may seem hard, but
with your friends by your side, you will eventually learn to laugh and enjoy life again by
building new memories, sharing jokes and reminiscing.
Make an effort to do at least one social thing each week (bonus points if you do more).
Secondly, broaden your horizons and make new friends. In addition to rebuilding and
strengthening your relationships with friends and family, its a good idea to get out of the
house and do something new.
You can take classes, join groups, or even volunteer to help people in need. Pretty much
anything that gets you out and away from the temptation of letting depression and sad-
ness get the upper hand over you.
This will help you because it will keep your mind focused on something positive and pro-
ductive, rather than the pain from your break up, it helps you meet new friends and inter-
esting people, plus it will give you something intriguing and new to talk about with your
ex-girlfriend when you meet up with her again after the one month of No Contact.
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A great way to fnd groups, classes, or volunteering opportunities near you would be to
simply spend more time in your neighborhood. Go down to a nearby coffee shop. Many
of these have a community bulletin board where people can post fyers about things hap-
pening in the area.
Most towns also have a free weekly newspaper that usually covers hip or trendy things
like what all the cool kids are up to or which bands are playing in town and off-beat com-
mentary on local news. Anyway, fipping through one of these papers can help give you
ideas about things that are going on as well. Plus, many of these papers also advertise
specifc classes or events that are being offered in your area.
Another good resource, is to check out the website www.meetup.com. This website is an
online listing of countless groups of people in cities across the world that meet for a com-
mon interest. Group topics range from the normal things you can easily think up (pet lov-
ers, hiking, poker) to more... um... eccentric topics (vampire groups, nudity groups, fash
mobs), so no matter what youre in to, you should be able to fnd something that matches
your interests, especially if you live near a fairly large town.
When you go to one of these classes or groups, it is a good idea to try to make friends
with other people there. This will help to build your social circle even more, which will
only help get you out of the house more and keep your mind away from negative thoughts
about your break up or your girlfriend.
Third, do something to improve yourself. Maybe youve got a few pounds to shed,
maybe you spend too much time at work and neglect to do things for yourself, or maybe
you need to try harder to get a promotion at work or a better job. Maybe this is even the
reason why your girlfriend said that she left you.
Either way, were all imperfect people and theres always something that we could be
working to improve. Use the one month of No Contact time to work on improving this part
of your life. Hit the gym, take some time for yourself, or work for that new job.
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Doing this will help you feel better about yourself as you start to make progress toward a
goal. This will help you chase away those negative feelings of sadness and depression
and help get the momentum you need to start building some positive feelings of achieve-
ment, satisfaction, or just plain happiness in general.
Additionally, when you see your ex again, youll be able to tell her about your self-im-
provement. This is even better if she can see the results for herself, such as taking better
care of your body.
Shell probably fnd this very attractive, since women like men who are headed some-
where in life. You dont have to achieve everything, but if you can at least show that
youre making progress, it will go a long way. If you show her that youre the kind of guy
who can recognize that something isnt working and take action to change it, shell see
you in a good light and shell be more likely to want to be part of your life again.
Additionally, she may feel like youre moving on without her and that she is losing her
hold on you. Although, I dont recommend pursuing self-improvement for this reason, this
will make her want to take action to make sure that she is still important to you. This, of
course, may seem a bit like manipulation, but if youre making changes in your life for the
right reason, then this isnt something you need to worry about.
Fourth, resolve the emotions youre feeling about the break up. Its no surprise that
break ups can really leave a deep emotional impact on our lives. After all, our relation-
ships are one of the most important parts to our lives.
Now, I know that youre a guy, and the topic of feelings and emotions may not seem very
manly, but trust me, this is important. Besides, being a man isnt about denying or ignor-
ing your emotions and putting on a strong facade while you are really suffering inside, just
as its not about being prey to getting caught up in the melodramatic whirlwind of them
either. You can actually feel your emotions without getting caught up in them. The differ-
ence is subtle, but it can d a lot for your own personal experience of life. For example,
if you got fred from your job for some reason, you could feel bad about that and then
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take action to fnd a new job and bounce back, or you could feel bad and get caught up
in that feeling, spending weeks feeling depressed and rejected while you mope around
the house.
You have to fnd a balance. A real man owns his emotions and experience. He holds
them true without denying them. At the same time, he doesnt let them control him. He
can maintain his composure without being pulled off course and getting lost in his emo-
tions (remember that section on Commitment?).
I strongly recommend that you get a journal and write in it on a regular basis about how
you feel. I have personally kept a journal since Ive been in high school and it has really
helped me deal with some diffcult emotional times in my life, including my break up. A
journal is, in many ways, a safe place to vent and express how you feel. After writing
about it, youll usually feel much better. Plus, months or years down the road, you can
look back and see how far youve come and how much your life has changed.
There is an important guided meditation included with this eBook that will help you over-
come the intense pain of heartbreak. This is in MP3 format and can be played on an iPod,
iTunes, or most major audio players.
It is called the Funnel Meditation. This guided exercise will help suck the painful emo-
tions out of you and help fll you with positive and healing feelings.
During the next few weeks, do this exercise as often as you want to help you whenever
youre feeling down.
Since this is best done while relaxing and listening to audio, I wont bother to describe it
here. Whenever you need a little help to get through the day, give it a listen.
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Key Points to Healing Heartbreak
Strengthen relationships with friends and family by making the effort to spend
time with them at least once per week.
Spend more time out of the house taking classes, joining groups, or
volunteering. Try to do this at least once per week.
Resources for fnding things to do in area
Local coffee shops
meetup.com
Newspapers
Identify something you can do to move your life in a positive direction and work
on that for at least the next month.
It isnt healthy to bottle up your emotions and pretend youre not in pain or to
fall victim to them and get lost in a dramatic whirlwind of feelings.
Get a journal to record your thoughts and feelings. This will help you deal with
your emotions in a healthy and safe way.
Do the Funnel Meditation as often as you need to help you release any
unpleasant feelings.
Advanced Advice on Getting Your Mindset Right and Overcoming
Heartbreak
When you have a clear vision of what you want for yourself and focus on it regularly with
desire, you will fnd a way to get it.
So then the most important thing you can do to keep your thoughts positive and upbeat is
to focus on what you want.
Focusing on what you want is the single most important thing you can do to feel better
about yourself, your life, and your circumstances.
At any given time you have the choice to either focus on what you want or to focus on
what you dont want. For most people, they will just let their mind run on autopilot and let
44
it focus sometimes on what they want and sometimes on what they dont want.
When you focus on what you dont want, you will have thoughts like:
If I dont get my girlfriend back, Ill be lonely
How can I make sure that my girlfriend doesnt start dating someone new?
No one else will want to date me.
When you focus on what you dont want, two things happen:
You feel bad
You are more likely to get what you dont want in life
Lets take a closer look at each of these.
Bad feelings are the direct result of focusing on what you dont want. Any time you are
experiencing a negative emotion, it is because you are focusing on something you dont
want.
Let me repeat that since it is extremely important:
All negative emotions are the result of focusing on what you do not want.
When you focus on what you do not want, you begin to imagine scenarios that you would
rather not experience in your mind.
This is true even when your intention is to avoid a negative experience. For example, if
you wanted to avoid blowing it with your ex-girlfriend the next time you see her, at some
level, you would have to picture in your mind what it would be like to mess up. You would
have to image an argument or her introducing you to her new boyfriend, for example.
So, ever trying to avoid a negative outcome will cause your mind to focus on the negative
outcome.
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This makes you feel bad.
But it also makes it more likely that youll actually get the negative outcome youre pictur-
ing.
You see, even if youre trying to steer clear of having an argument with her, youll be in-
vesting more mental energy into rehearsing what not to do and what not to say. This of
course is more focusing on what you dont want. You have to imagine the things you dont
want to do or say.
Have you ever given a speech or presentation in front of a group of people? For most
people out there, this is the biggest fear they can imagine. Public speaking is something
that people tend to fear even more than death in some cases.
Now imagine that you have a speech to give. You could spend your time focusing on not
screwing it up. Think of all the things you dont want to do and dont want to say. Wouldnt
it feel horrible to get up there and be so paralyzed by fright that you couldnt even say a
single thing or if your voice didnt sound right and no one could hear you?
If youve spent so much time worrying about these things, you might get up there and
fnd that you are completely unprepared for the speech. You were so worried about not
presenting well that you didnt even practice what you were going to say or how you were
going to say it. Have you ever heard of a self-fulflling prophecy?
If you spend so much time trying to move away from what you dont want, without a clear
vision of what you do want, you dont really have a clear idea of where youre going.
Its like the difference between running away from something and running toward some-
thing. If you run away from something, you dont really know where youre going and
you dont know when you get there. But if you run toward something, you defnitely know
where youre going.
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Do you understand this? It may be diffcult to wrap your mind around at frst, but it really
makes all the difference in how you act and how you feel.
On the other hand, focusing on what you do want may be something like this:
I want to enjoy a loving relationship again.
I want to feel confdent about my life.
I want others to like me.
Doing this will cause you to:
Feel good
Make you more likely to get what you want
Just like with the negative feelings, to focus on what you want, you have to imagine what
you want. This will make you feel good. Plus it gives you a goal that you can work to-
wards.
You have to imagine what it would be like to laugh and hug your ex-girlfriend again or
what it would be like if you had a loving and happy relationship.
These sorts of thoughts make you feel good and they inspire you to work toward them.
So if you ever fnd that you are feeling bad, remember to focus your mind on what you
want rather than what you dont want or what you want to avoid.
One great way to do this, is to simply ask yourself What do I want?
If you are not in the habit of focusing on what you want, this could be diffcult at frst, but
keep asking yourself this question and before long, the answers will come. It is just like a
muscle that needs to be built up over time.
Also, remember to tell yourself when you catch yourself feeling bad that This is coming
from me. There is something that you are focusing on that is causing you to feel bad.
47
Once you know what that is, you can start to focus on what you do want to take control
of how you feel.
Focusing on what you want is the most important thing you can do to control
how you feel.
All bad feelings are the result of focusing on what you do not want.
When you catch yourself focusing on something negative ask yourself What do
I want? to change your focus.
Do the frst focus exercise below, and if possible, do the second focus exercise
as well in a safe and legal way.
Focus Exercise - Adopting an Attitude of Gratitude
Begin keeping a daily gratitude journal. Write down everything you are grateful for at the
beginning or the end of each day.
If youre feeling down, this might be tough to begin with. Thats okay. You can start small
and just write down things like Im grateful that I know how to read or Im grateful I am
taking control of my life.
This may seem small, but this will start to turn your thoughts in a more positive direction,
and over time, the things you are grateful for will begin to grow and your overall mental
state will signifcantly improve.
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Focus Exercise - Burning Your Negative Emotions Away
Disclaimer: Be smart about this, dont start a fre that can potentially cause severe dam-
age to you, others, or anything else. The ideal place to do this would be in a freplace. By
doing this exercise, you accept full responsibility for your actions.
What You Will Need:
2 Pieces of Paper
Pen or Pencil
Matches or a Lighter
On one piece of paper, write down exactly how you feel about yourself and your situa-
tion. You want to be as descriptive as you can. Writing I feel bad isnt enough to get the
job done. Write down everything that you feel bad about in your life. Do this to the point
where you feel like youre about to cry because you are so morbidly depressed. The
worse you feel, the better.
(Yes, I understand that I just told you to focus on what you want, but this is a special ex-
ercise, so it is an exception to this rule)
For example:
My life is nothing but an unending sequence of disappointments and let downs.
It seems like no matter how hard I try to do anything, life just keeps it all just out
of reach.
My girlfriend leaving me just confrms all of this and its just another sad
example of how much of a failure I am. She left me for another guy, and I
really cant blame her. John is much better looking than me and he makes a lot
more money. Lets face it, I never deserved a girl as great as her.
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What really hurts the most is that I really loved her. I did everything I could to
make her happy, but in the end she just left. Now Im all alone and she has John.
Just the thought of the two of them having sex is enough to turn my stomach.
I guess what makes this all so much worse is that Im totally alone. I have no
one to talk to--especially about this. Heck, Im probably going to end up being
alone for my whole life. Ill just die a cold and lonely death and no one will care.
My ex-girlfriend wont. Shes already replaced me with someone else.
She says that she feels bad about it, but then why am I the only one who is all
alone and suffering. I mean, I thought she loved me. How could you do this to
someone you love? Im so pathetic.
On the second piece of paper, do the exact opposite. As if you had the life of your dreams,
how would you feel? Imagine what it would feel like to get your girlfriend back and what
it would be like if you had the most perfect life you can think of. Again, get into this and
write in detail. Do this to the point where you feel amazing and excited.
Heres another example:
I can hardly believe it, but Stacy and I got back together today! Ive been seeing
her for a while now and things have gotten better and better over the past few
weeks.
She called me up and asked to meet at the park down the street. We went for a
walk and talked about things in the sun. I could tell that she was really into me and
that she had something to say, but wasnt quite sure how to bring it up.
Finally, we sat down by the fountain and she told me that she really wanted to give
our relationship another shot. I cant even begin to tell you how incredibly good I
felt in that moment.
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I agreed and the two of us kissed. I felt so unreal. Afterward we went to get ice
cream and we talked about the future for hours. The whole time we couldnt help
but smile and giggle whenever our eyes met like when we frst started dating.
I told her about the job I interviewed for last week. It seemed really good, and they
want to meet with me again. Im pretty sure Ive got this job and the second inter
view is just a formality.
Anyway, things are just moving forward in a great way these day. I really feel
like getting back together with Stacy and this new job are a real turning point in my
life. Things are fnally going my way and Im so grateful and excited for the future.
Now, make the conscious effort to decide which outcome you would rather have. (this
should not be a diffcult choice) Then, burn the piece of paper where you wrote down what
you dont want in a freplace or other location where you can burn something safely and
legally.
Again, be smart about this and dont do anything that could put you or any
ones safety at risk.
The act of burning the negative letter will make you feel an incredible release of emotions
and it will help you feel extremely happy and optimistic for days or weeks afterward.
Then take the sheet of paper where you wrote down exactly what you want and read it
out loud to yourself every morning and before you go to bed every day for one month.
This will help you burn this new vision for your life into your subconscious mind and help
make it come true.
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Evaluating What Went Wrong in the Relationship
You also want to deconstruct the break up and do your best to understand why it hap-
pened. There countless reasons why a relationship could have ended, and giving you a
list of those possible reasons isnt likely going to help you much.
So, just to remind you about something I wrote earlier, you and your girlfriend used to be
madly in love with each other. The problems came when negative feelings came into play
and tipped the scales to the point where she left you.
To understand the break up, you need to ask yourself what caused those negative feel-
ings. I know that there is no shortage of things that could have added up, but if you had
to name one thing that most contributed to the break up, what would it be?
Dont spend too much time obsessing over this. Just take the frst thing that pops into
your head. Keep in mind though that often the obvious cause may be only a symptom
of something deeper on an emotional level. For example, many times when a woman
breaks up with a man claiming that he spends too much time at work, the real cause of
the break up isnt that you work too much. It is that she doesnt feel emotionally con-
nected to you anymore, probably because you spend a signifcant amount of time at work.
However, this can be resolved without working less, if you can fnd ways to increase the
feelings of connection in the relationship.
Conclusion for Nourishing the Roots
Commit to doing one month of No Contact. During this month eliminate all forms of
contact with your ex-girlfriend. If you cant completely eliminate contact with her due to
circumstances beyond your control like school or work, thats okay. Just keep your inter-
actions professional.
Focus on yourself and working on your inner mindset during this one month period. Build
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up your self-esteem to the point where you feel that you dont need your girlfriend back in
order to be happy in life. Also work toward improving certain areas of your life that need
work and build friendships with others.
This section is vitally important. It will help you get yourself out of a negative frame of
mind. This is important in being able to attract your girlfriend again, since nothing is more
attractive than a positive person who can uplift others and make them feel great about
themselves. The skills in this section can also be broadly applied to your life in general to
help you be more happy, successful, and fulflled.
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Part II - Strengthening the Limbs - Your Plan to Get Her
Back
Okay, so youre ready to call your ex and get the ball rolling to getting her back. First, I
want to make sure youve actually read the Nourishing the Roots section and youve done
all the exercises. If you just skipped ahead to this part of the book without doing that stuff,
youre going to be in for a rough ride and all the things I teach you here will likely backfre
if youre not properly prepared.
The frst section of this book covered your basic mindset, and if you try to do this stuff be-
fore you have a good mindset, it will likely all fall fat. Remember the analogy of the tree
and nourishing the roots versus stapling leaves to the tree? If you jump right to this sec-
tion without doing the proper mindset work, you are going to have a signifcantly harder
time.
Knowing if Youre Ready to Contact Your Ex
But before I get into the specifcs of what you need to do to get your girlfriend back, I want
you to look inside and see if you are emotionally prepared to get your ex back. There are
a lot of things that could happen when you start contact with your ex again after a period
of No Contact. Perhaps the two of you will have an argument or you may discover that
she is dating someone new. If you arent ready to deal with these possibilities emotion-
ally, then you simply are not ready to move forward with this section, and I recommend
that you go back and continue doing the exercises in the frst section of this book and
work to the point where you can enjoy your life on your own without the feeling that you
need your ex in any way to be happy.
Essentially, you are not ready to talk to your ex-girlfriend if you think of the break up or
about her and you feel an sort of intense negative feelings that may overwhelm you such
as anger, sadness, or pain.
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Here are a few common reasons why people often feel compelled to contact their ex-
girlfriend that quite frankly, just arent good enough. If you feel motivated by any of these
reasons, then you are defnitely not ready to get back in touch with her:
You feel as if you need to show her how well you would have treated her if she
was still together with you.
You feel as if you need to justify what happened, apologize, or explain yourself
in the hopes that this will change her mind.
You feel as if you need to tell her how much you love her and that the strength
of your love for her will make her realize that she made a mistake.
You feel weak and feel the urge to call her and beg her to take you back.
You feel angry and want to make sure that she knows that she will regret
breaking up with you.
You desperately want to know if she misses you and and wants to take you back.
These are all dead give-aways that you are not ready to talk to her. In fact, starting a con-
versation or sending her an e-mail when you are motivated by these feelings will probably
just drive her further away from you.
Maybe youve seen these sorts of things work on TV or in movies, but this isnt a scripted
movie. This is real life, and what works in Hollywood doesnt work in the real world.
Compromising your integrity or humiliating yourself, may be charming in chick ficks and
romantic comedies, but trust me, being some sort of befuddled moron isnt going to give
you the happy ending youre hoping for.
Okay, so lets get down to business. First were going to revisit the three inner game
qualities we introduced in the frst section and study how they apply to interacting and
relating with your ex so that youll be more equipped and ready to meet her face to face.
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Awareness
When you meet with your ex, youll not only have to practice Awareness of yourself, but
also of her. This is challenging for a lot of guys because they are nervous and they will
tend to get side-tracked from the present moment. Remember, you arent in the moment
if you are thinking about:
The past
The future
Judgments of others
Judgments of yourself
In addition to bringing yourself to the present by making sure you are in the moment, you
will also need to be Aware of your ex and what she is doing and how she is reacting.
Make sure that you give your full attention to the moment that you are sharing with her.
Dont worry about your cell phone, what time it is, or anything like that. This is especially
diffcult these days when it seem like new gadgets like ipads, smart phones, and other
things are constantly competing for our attention.
The frst thing to do to make sure that you are able to bring your entire awareness to your
interaction is to eliminate as many distractions as possible before meeting her.
There can be so much communicated through body language or small gestures that you
can miss if you are not Aware of how she is behaving in the moment. Many times a guy
will be caught up in his head thinking about something and hell completely miss a subtle
smile or a laugh. Simply noticing these small things and asking her about them can open
up an entire conversation and connection that would have been otherwise completely
overlooked.
Now when youre practicing Awareness, make sure you dont adopt a kind of leering,
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gawking, or overly observant type of gaze. This is actually kind of creepy and might make
you seem too eager. Yes, you want to be Aware of her and what shes doing, but at the
same time you want to stay grounded in your own body. You should have a relaxed and
easy gaze. You should stay grounded in your body while soaking her in through your
eyes like a sponge. This is an important distinction. Dont forget to breathe. Many times
when you are tense or anxious, your breath is shallow, making it diffcult to relax. So, re-
member to breathe because it will help you stay relaxed and more aware of what is going
on around you.
Aside from technology, another huge thing that takes away from Awareness is emotional
hang-ups. As someone who wants to get their ex-girlfriend back, common emotional
hang-ups include:
Worrying What She Is Thinking - It is understandable that you are nervous.
Most guys are probably going to be at least a little nervous seeing their ex again,
even if theyve worked a lot on their inner game.
Defensiveness - If you and your ex-girlfriend ended your relationship with
some aggression toward each other, it is understandable that you could be
defensive. Maybe youre worried that she might try to start another fght or say
something with the intention of hurting you.
Emotional Hot Buttons - There are countless things that a person could say
that could send your mind off into experiencing all sorts of emotions. The
same is even more true when it comes to your ex-girlfriend and all the
emotions wrapped up between the two of you.
Rehearsing What You Want to Say - Another major thing that really takes
guys out of the moment is when they spend too much time memorizing exactly
what they want to say to their ex-girlfriend. It is understandable that you have a
lot on your mind and you want to make sure you get it all out there in just the
right way. However, memorized scripts are just going to pull you away from the
present moment and they rarely go over as well as youd hope they will.
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When you catch yourself doing any of these, or whenever you notice your mind just drift-
ing off into something else besides what is actually happening right now, simply bring your
attention back to the moment.
So, Awareness with your ex-girlfriend means that you adopt a relaxed and present mind-
set. Some guys might take this to mean that they need to watch every little thing she
does and analyze it to death. This is not Awareness, since this analysis and obsession
on what it all means just pulls you out of the present moment and off into a judgement of
her or yourself.
You will be fne is you stay in the present while keeping yourself grounded in your own
body. If you ever feel like your attention is too much on your ex-girlfriend so that you start
to lose touch with your body, then that is where things get sticky.
It is important to stay in the moment when interacting with your ex.
Common reasons that people fall out of the moment with their ex:
Worrying what she is thinking
Defensiveness
Emotional hot buttons
Rehearsing what to say
When you are with her, stay relaxed in your body
Do the following exercise to prepare yourself to be present with your ex.
Awareness Exercise - Soul Gazing
A good way to practice this before you meet your ex, is to get in the habit of doing this
with other people such as friends, family, coworkers, or anyone else you see through your
day. Of course, you dont have to explain to them what youre doing. Just practice being
present with them while staying relaxed in your own body.
Its easier for you fall out of the present when youre having a conversation with an author-
58
ity fgure or someone else who may intimidate you, so bonus points if youre able to keep
yourself fully in the moment when you talk with someone like your boss or a teacher.
If you do happen to have a good friend, you can explain to them that youre trying to be
more in the moment. Practice gazing at them in the eye without taking on a leering sort
of stare or spacing out. If they ever catch you zoning out or trying too hard, have them
lightly hit you on the shoulder to help you catch yourself.
These kinds of interactions will be excellent practice for meeting your ex-girlfriend and
they are a great step up from the Mirror Affrmations Exercise described earlier. If you
can stay present with her without drifting off into wonder if youre doing okay or going off
on some other tangent, youll be doing great.
Acceptance
As you recall, Acceptance is about accepting what you experience and being a yes to
it. When it comes to interacting with your ex (or anyone else for that matter), this means
not judging them or labeling them. This means seeing them as an actual human being
instead of some sort of prize to be won or anything else.
Now what do I mean when I say forgetting your girlfriend is a real person? Of course Im
not implying that youre some kind of knuckle-dragging neanderthal that thinks women
are just sex objects. When you forget that she is a real person, you are essentially want-
ing her to be something or someone. You are casting judgement on her and trying to put
her into a box of some kind, whether it be the Wow! Shes so hot, Id do anything to get
her back box or the If I could just get her to like me, Id feel good about myself again
box.
You are not practicing Acceptance any time you reject or label or judge something that
your ex tells you as good or bad. And you are not practicing Acceptance if you ever drift
off into fantasies about winning her back or forgetting that she is a real person and
seeing her as some perfect person up on a pedestal.
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When you see her as real person and a separate human being, you are tapping into the
feeling that she is her own person, just like you. She has her own dreams, desires, feel-
ings, and fears. To truly be in Acceptance, you will get this on a gut level where you can
feel it through your whole body, not just on an intellectual level. When you can see her as
a person with her own fears and dreams rather than some kind of perfect person whos
affection you need to win, then you will be able to enjoy much more signifcant levels of
connection.
When you can really get this, you will naturally be able to interact with your ex a lot more
easily. You will naturally develop a curiosity to understand her view of the world that will
help you never run out of things to talk to her about and youll never have to worry about
hitting an awkward silence again. Youll be able to have so many of those deep mo-
ments of connection where you both fnd yourself saying me too and discovering all the
thoughts and feelings that you experience every day.
You see, once you really get that she is a unique person with her desires and her own
humanity, and not just a perfect prize to be won, youll realize that she has all the fears
and insecurities that you probably do. When you understand that both of you share these
common emotional experiences, youll instantly have an unending source of things to talk
to her about and connect on. Youll never have to memorize things to talk about or ago-
nize over what you should do if the conversation stalls out or goes silent again.
This is also about being perfectly okay emotionally with the fact that she may not want to
get back together with you at this point. If you resist this, then you will only risk pushing
her further away from you.
You see, in a subtle way, she will notice that you are not okay with her not being your girl-
friend. This will turn her off and drive her away from you. After all, she wont want to be
with someone who she feels needs her to be a certain way in order to accept her.
If youre still having diffculties with it, continue to practice allowing whatever happens to
60
be okay. If you can free yourself from the emotional attachment of needing your girlfriend
back, then she will feel more comfortable to be herself around you and youll notice that
she actually begins to relax more around you. This will help you build the trust and inti-
macy between the two of you and youll be able to get her back much more easily.
Remember to see your ex as a person with her own emotions, fears, and desires.
You are not Accepting her if you need her to love you or you see her as a prize
to be won.
Be prepared to Accept her exactly how she is, even if she doesnt want to get
back together with you right away.
Do the following exercise to help you cultivate more Acceptance toward her.
Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity
To help practice developing Acceptance for your girlfriend, start by reminding yourself that
she is a separate human being, just like you. She has her own desires and fears. She
makes mistakes and is searching for her own slice of happiness in this chaotic world.
When you can do this, and really let it impact you, you can start to drop all these pre-
conceived things you need your woman to be for you. You no longer need her to look
sexy, be enthusiastic, be fashionable, be attracted to you, or whatever boxes you might
be consciously or unconsciously be trying to push her into.
To start with, practice this exercise on other people in your life such as friends, family
members, or coworkers. Practice really understanding that they are their own unique and
individual people. Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what it would be like to
be them for a moment. The more you practice this with others, the more prepared youll
be when you actually meet your girlfriend in person again.
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Commitment
When it comes to dealing with you girlfriend, Commitment primarily involves staying
strong in your convictions and not collapsing or compromising your personal values in an
attempt to earn her approval. In other words, stick to your core values. Dont let trying to
get her back pull you away from forgetting what you believe in.
On the fip side, many men try to appear strong by overcompensating and posturing. This
might manifest itself as pretending that you dont care at all about how your girlfriend re-
sponds to you or if the two of you get along well.
Guys will commonly compromise their commitment to who they really are and lose com-
posure around their ex-girlfriend in two ways:
They act like a Nice Guy - The Nice Guy constantly tries to please people. On a subcon-
scious level, he believes that if he is nice and accommodating to others, they will be kind
to him and give him what he wants. This is not how the world works. The Nice Guy often
ends up frustrated and being taken advantage of by his ex. She may use him to pay for
dates or as a reliable standby in case the other guy she is dating doesnt work out.
If you are acting the role of the Nice Guy, realize that compromising your integrity isnt go-
ing to get you what you want. Though you may be afraid of rocking the boat by speaking
your truth, understand that withholding how you feel only hurts you and your relationships
in the end.
They act like the Macho Jerk - The opposite of the Nice Guy is the Macho Jerk. While the
Nice Guy tries to please everyone and easily ends up as a doormat for his ex, the Ma-
cho Jerk will do whatever he can to avoid the appearance of weakness. He will posture
himself and puff himself up in an attempt to come off as a strong and unbreakable man.
However, this wont make things easier either. The Macho Jerk is cut off from his real
62
emotions, which makes it nearly impossible to share a meaningful moment with him. In-
stead of being strong, he just comes off as a brittle personality held captive by his need
to avoid emotions and sensitivity.
The healthy alternative is not to waffe back and forth between the two. It is to ignore the
duality entirely. Since both extremes are unhealthy and involve denying your emotions,
realize that the entire game is completely bankrupt and not worth playing. Don dont try
to be either the Nice Guy or the Macho Jerk to get her back, since neither is really very
attractive to her.
Real men that women love (and who get their ex back) are the guys that dont care about
how others will react to their emotions. They will openly speak their mind when necessary
and they will share their feelings freely without coming off as an angry jerk or spineless
wimp. Women do not think that this is overly aggressive or wimpy; they think this is sexy!
To practice Commitment to your values and beliefs, you must be willing to say no to your
ex if she ever asks you to do something that you dont want to do or that you would not
feel good about doing. But you also must be willing to be vulnerable and open without
become a puffed-up macho fake.
Most people are decent, but do not let your ex try to take advantage of your desire for her
approval by sacrifcing your values and what you stand for.
Commitment also speaks to owning your experience without shame or apologies. Here
is a tip I shared in the frst section of this book that will help you know when you are prac-
ticing Commitment: When you speak your truth from a place of Commitment, you will be
saying things that no one can argue with. (This is so important, that I am telling you this
again to make sure you really get this)
For example, no one can argue with the phrase I wish things hadnt turned out this way.
This is your personal opinion that describes how you personally feel. However, a phrase
like, We never would have broken up if you werent always nagging me can be argued
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and thus is not spoken from a point of Commitment. In fact, that kind of statement is actu-
ally casting blame on someone else and is an invitation for an argument.
Commitment Exercise - Holding Your Ground
There are two ways that guys can lose their integrity. Either through caving in and col-
lapsing to the desires of others or by puffng themselves up and posturing too much to try
and appear tough or macho.
If you believe that collapse or being a Nice Guy is something that you are more prone
to do (which is what most men struggle with), then your exercise here is to practice say-
ing no to people in your life when they ask you to do something that you dont want to
do. This may be diffcult at frst, but practicing this with your friends and family will help
prepare you for situations where your ex-girlfriend may try to manipulate you or take ad-
vantage of you. You get bonus points if you do this with an authority fgure like your boss
(just dont get fred).
If you believe that posturing or being the Macho Jerk is what you are more likely to do,
sit down and think about the things in your life that really matter to you, the things you re-
ally care about. When you posture, you tend to project an attitude that youre so tough
that you dont care about anything. This however, isnt true and getting in touch with
what you care about and what is important to you can help you reconnect with what you
do care about. Then go out and share your feelings with someone, maybe a friend or
coworker. The goal is to practice being vulnerable.
I know that this is similar to one the earlier Commitment exercises, but this is very impor-
tant in breaking the inertia of the emotional habits we have so that we can enjoy more
fulflling relationships.
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Your Blueprint to Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back After One Month of
No Contact
Okay, so now that weve covered some inner game basics, here are the action steps you
need to take to get your ex-girlfriend back after youve done one month of No Contact.
Again, do not skip the frst section of this book and the one month of No Contact. This
is extremely important in helping heal from the pain of your break up and giving your ex-
girlfriend the time she needs to start missing you.
How to Contact Your Ex
You should have kept yourself from contacting your ex at all, if possible during the Nour-
ishing the Roots section of this program. Again, the reason for this is to make sure that
1.) you dont do something irrational that youll later regret, and 2.) so that you have time
to pull yourself together and sort through your emotions.
The purpose of this No Contact period is not to manipulate your ex into missing you.
There is a good chance that she will miss you and may reach out to you sooner, but that
is not the goal. The goal is for you to heal yourself from the pain of the break up.
Now, the best way to get back in touch with your ex is not over the phone. If you call her,
then you might catch her off guard and she may react irrationally based on how she feels
in that moment. It is much better to reach out through something like a physical letter (if
you were together with your ex for a long time or if the break up was nasty) or through e-
mail (if the relationship was more short-term or the break up was fairly civil).
Sending a letter or e-mail is best because it gives your ex time to think before they re-
spond to the letter. This gives her time to process what you write to her and to respond
after she has had time to think it over.
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Sending a Letter
If you choose to send a letter, take the time to make sure it is personal. Write the letter
by hand and write the address on the envelope by hand as well. This will increase your
chances of getting your girlfriend to open the letter and read it.
Keep the letter short and to-the-point. Dont let it drag on for pages and pages, and dont
spill your heart out about how much you love her. You wouldnt do this with a girl you had
just met, so dont do this when youre contacting your ex for the frst time after not speak-
ing to her for a month or so.
What do you write about in the letter? Well, if youre anything like me, you probably did
at least a few things out of desperation when you frst got dumped. Maybe you begged
your girlfriend to take you back. Maybe you called her ten or more times per day. Maybe
you did some other things that youre not so proud of. Use this letter as your opportunity
to apologize to your ex for any of these things you may have done immediately following
the break up.
You also want to touch of the fact that youre doing new things with your life and moving in
a new direction. Dont tell all the details though. Its good to leave that to the imagination.
Here is an example of something you might write:
Dear Stacy,
Hello. I know that weve been broken up for awhile now. Ive had some time to
think about things. I know Ive acted a little crazy when we frst broke up. I did
some things that I now regret, and I wanted to say that Im sorry for that. I guess
I just had a hard time dealing with the break up at frst.
Anyway, I hope youre doing well. Ive taken the past few weeks to get my act
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together and make some changes in my life. I feel like Im really moving in a
positive direction.
I remember you said you have an important presentation at work this month.
Good luck with that. Im sure youll knock em dead.
All the Best,
Clay Andrews
Sending Email
You might want to send an e-mail message if you would rather use a more casual tech-
nique than the one above, if the two of you werent together for very long, or if your girl-
friend moved out and you dont know her address.
When it comes to email, make sure you take the time to writie a good subject line that will
stand out and get opened. Something like Hi or Hey is boring and your message might
get overlooked among all the spam mail if youve got something lame like that written. It
should arouse curiosity and not make her think that this is going to be some kind of long
and painful e-mail about how much you want her back.
Then in the body of the message, you have two options. First, you could use the same
strategy that you would use with a physical letter. Or you might try something a bit differ-
ent and send her a quick I was thinking of you type message.
If you do the second option, make it sound like you just happened to see or hear some-
thing that reminded you of her. Keep it short and simple. Chances are good, shell write
you back.
Try something like:
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Subject: Youll Never Guess What...
Message: Hey, I was talking to a friend when they mentioned that the Killers are
going to be in town on the 25th. I know you like the Killers, so I thought you
might like to know.
I hope youre doing well,
Take Care,
Clay Andrews
Then just leave it at that.
If youre anything like me, it probably seems like youve really had to struggle in the past
just to get through to your ex-girlfriend or to get her to respond to you. Maybe youre
thinking Is that it? Something that simple will never work! But trust me, this is exactly
what you need to do to get her attention.
First of all, if youve waited about a month without contacting her, then your girlfriend will
have had plenty of time to miss you. Secondly, in your letter or e-mail youre acting like
someone who doesnt need anything from her. If she was ignoring you during your tem-
porary insanity immediately after the break up, it was probably because she felt awkward
around you since there was a subtle (or not-so-subtle) feeling that you needed something
from her (to get back together), which was motivating everything you did. On top of that,
she probably felt guilty that she somehow caused all the pain you were in.
Since youve given her time and your emotions are back under control, youll do a lot bet-
ter with her.
Just remember to be patient. Even if she doesnt respond back immediately, trust that
what you sent her is having an impact. Maybe it will take a few days or a week, but there
is an incredibly high chance that shell reply.
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When she fnally does get back to you, shell probably thank you for your apology or for
the tip about something she likes, then shell probably ask about how youve been doing.
At this point, you may decide to shoot a few e-mails back and forth, but fairly quickly, you
should transition over to asking her out to catch up and see how both of you are doing.
If you and your ex are still speaking to each other or see each other regularly for some
reason like the fact that you might work or go to school together, then I would recommend
doing the I was thinking of you approach, but talking to her in person. This will break the
ice from a period of limited contact and can get the two of you talking again on a personal
level. But again, you want to move pretty quickly to asking her to catch up and see how
the two of you have been doing.
What If She Doesnt Respond to the Letter or Email?
This might happen, especially if the two of you ended things on bad terms. But dont be-
come discouraged by this. Simply try again by sending another letter two to four weeks
after the frst one. Or you, if you emailed, try sending another message one to two weeks
after the frst.
It might be worth trying a different form of communication too, just in case she moved and
the letter got lost in the mail or she blacklisted you on her email account.
What If She Contacts You First?
During the No Contact phase, there is a very real probability that your ex will miss you and
she may even reach out and contact you. If this happens, and you feel you are ready to
see her (that is important!), just move on to the next step, Asking Her Out.
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Action Steps for Restoring Contact:
Do one month of No Contact (The frst part of this guide Nourishing the Roots)
Either write a short letter or a brief email message to her.
Wait for her to reply.
If she doesnt reply to your letter or email, try again in about two to four weeks
(for a letter) or one to two weeks (for an email). Consider contacting her in a
different way as well.
If she contacts you frst, and you feel emotionally ready to see her, ask her out.
Once you have a rapport established, ask her out (next step).
Asking Her Out
At this point, youre ready to ask her out on your frst date.
I dont know if you have a ton of experience dating or if you and your ex are high school
sweethearts that have been joined at the hip since you were 15. But the basic strategy
here is to treat this like any other frst date.
This means, you need to fgure out a place to go for the date before you call your girlfriend
and ask her out. As a man, this will show her that you are decisive and dont simply look
to others for guidance. This quality is very attractive to women.
The ideal place would be some sort of coffee shop or cafe where there is a relaxed mood
and there arent any distractions. The goal of this frst date is to simply have a conversa-
tion with her and catch up. You can save the bowling alley date or the loud techno club
date for another time. Remember, the focus of the date should be on the two of you, not
on how exciting the date is.
Again, the ideal place would be some sort of local independent coffee shop that has some
interesting character to it. Also try to make it a place that youve never been to with her
before. Try to avoid a chain coffee shop or anything like that, which just comes across
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as bland and boring (defnitely not something you want your ex-girlfriend associating with
you). Kind of like how you wouldnt take a girl out on a romantic date to a fast food res-
taurant.
Since there is a chance that this date may not go well, avoid doing things that involve a
long time commitment, such as a long dinner. If the two of you dont get along or theres
an argument, it can be awkward to have to sit in silence while you fnish your meal and
wait for the check. But if things go bad at a coffee shop, there is nothing to keep you from
just getting up and walking out. Your ex-girlfriend will probably also be thinking this on
an unconscious level too and shell be much more likely to agree to meet over a cup of
coffee.
When you are ready, call up your ex and ask her out. To make sure everything goes well,
fnd a quiet spot where you wont be disturbed (or interrupted by a loud train, or traffc, or
something). Call her sometime during the week when you know she is likely to be home.
Usually the best time for most people is around 7:00 or 8:00 in the evening--after theyve
gotten home from work, but before they settle in for the night.
Start the conversation with some simple small chit-chat. Just keep it light and funny.
Nothing serious--defnitely nothing about your break up. Then after a few minutes of that,
just tell her that youd like to meet up and talk over coffee (or whatever youve decided to
do) and catch up. Do not use the term date since this may cause her to feel hesitant or
that there is some kind of expectation for the meeting. Hanging out or grabbing a cup
of coffee on the other hand, is much less pressure.
If the time youve picked out doesnt work for her for some reason, try to work out a good
time together with her. Dont appear too available or too eager to meet her though. If it
seem impossible to work out a good time to meet in the upcoming week, just confess that
both of you seem to be busy and suggest that she call you in a few days after things have
cooled down.
If she doesnt call you in a few days, call her again in one week and try again.
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If you call and get a voicemail, dont sweat it. Just leave a simple message like Hi (her
name), Its me, I just wanted to call and see what youre up to. Anyhow, call me back
when you get the chance.
When youre talking on the phone make sure that you smile. Even though she cant see
you, your smile will come across in your voice and it will make you sound much more
upbeat and happy.
Note: You want to keep the phone conversation short. If youre like most guys, you prob-
ably hate talking on the phone for long periods of time. Use this to your advantage. I
know it probably feels good to hear her voice again, but you dont want to get sucked into
a long phone conversation. If you do, she wont have any sort of curiosity about you or
how youre doing. Keep it short and leave the conversation for the date.
The First Date
Okay, its the day of your date with your ex-girlfriend. Here are a few basics to keep in
mind to help you prepare for your date.
Dress nicely. Nothing too fancy, but something that looks good. If you cant think of
something specifc that fts your style, go ahead and stick with the reliable standby of a
button-up shirt tucked into a nice pair of blue jeans and some black leather shoes. This
is a classic look that any guy can pull off.
Show up in a good mood. You dont want to be overly anxious or in a bad mood for
whatever reason. It can help to listen to one of your favorite stand-up comedians either
on your iPod or in your car on the way to meet her. Or you could call up a close friend
and just chat for a bit to help you get in a good mood and loosen up.
Make sure you show up on time. Some dating experts will tell you to show up late for
a date to build anticipation, but I think that is a load of crap. It is just rude and inconsider-
ate to be late for a date. Show up on time or 5 or 10 minutes early. This will show that
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you follow through with what you say youre going to do and that you value her time.
Oh My God! There She Is! Now What?
Youre probably excited to see her. And that excitement is probably making you ner-
vous. Just take a breath, relax and remember to stay focused on the present mo-
ment. Dont get caught up in any sort of thoughts about the past or become hypnotized
by how beautiful she is.
Remember, these are all things that will take you out of the present moment and make it
much more challenging to relate to her in a rich and authentic way. She is only human,
after all, and not some kind of perfect person.
Walk up to her and hug her while kissing her on the cheek. This is doesnt come off as
clingy and desperate or like youre just a platonic friend. It is classy and very European
(women think European men are sexy, by the way).
Who Pays for the Date?
You do. You asked her out. Be a gentleman and pay for it. If he insists on paying for her
half let her, but dont get caught up in all the drama of squabbling over who is going pay
for a cup of coffee. That is very petty, and not very attractive. Besides, dude, its just a
cup of coffee or something inexpensive anyway.
What to Talk About
You asked her to meet you for coffee so you two could catch up. The obvious thing to do
is to catch up.
Remember to practice Acceptance. When you have genuine curiosity about your girl-
friend and her life, then you will never run out of things to talk about. Remember that she
has her own fears, insecurities, desire, and isnt a perfect prize up on a pedestal.
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Remember that Acceptance means that you are being a yes and accepting everything
she tells you without judging it or labeling it. There is a good chance that she is prob-
ably seeing someone else right now (its just part of how most women deal with relation-
ships). Dont get bent out of shape if you discover this.
Instead, show your support for her new relationship. Dont worry, though, this is a re-
bound relationship and the vast majority of these relationships end in failure and frustra-
tion. Why? Because she simply hasnt had the chance to deal with all of her own issues
around the break up yet. She just went right into a new relationship. Eventually all those
emotions will come up and they will place an incredible amount of stress on her new re-
lationship.
Besides, showing that youre okay with her new relationship will only demonstrate how
mature you are and that youre not an emotional wreck that she needs to go out of her
way to avoid.
She will probably ask what youve been up to recently. You should be doing a few things
with your spare time such as going to groups, exercising, or otherwise taking your life in a
positive direction. You can tell her about these things, but dont let it come off as if youre
bragging about them. You should simply state them as a matter-of-fact and describe the
details if she seems interested.
Overall, keep the tone of the conversation light and funny. Try to avoid talking about de-
pressing or negative things, such as your break up or any sort of problems youre having
in your own life.
If she brings up a negative subject, such as your break up, dont brush it off. Remember
to be a yes to this subject embrace it. Do not become defensive though. If you did
something wrong, accept it, but remember to stay in Commitment to your own values and
maintain your integrity. Apologize for anything you may have done that was out of line,
but dont obsess or dwell on these things. Just apologize, if necessary and then move on
to something else.
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The date should last about an hour or so. Dont let it go for much longer than that. I know
that it feels good to be there with her, especially if the two of you were hitting it off well,
but it is best to leave her wanting more. It is best to leave at a high note in the conversa-
tion. Simply say that youre having a good time, but that you really need to get going.
Again, end by walking her to her car (or to a bus stop or subway) and end with a hug and
another kiss on the cheek.
Dont agree to a second date yet. Tell her youll have to check your calendar or some-
thing if she asks, but the idea here is to leave her hanging for a bit.
Key Points for the First Date:
Dress well.
Be in a good mood.
Show up on time.
Remember to stay in the moment when youre with her.
When meeting her, give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
Pay for the date.
Talk openly and freely about what the two of you have been up to, but try to
keep the conversation positive.
If she brings up something negative like your break up, dont brush it off.
Keep the date short, one hour or less.
End the date with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
Dont agree to a second date yet.
Key Signs Your Ex Still Likes You
One thing that a lot of guys seem to really wonder about is what sort of signs will really
tell them that their ex-girlfriend still likes them. Its only natural to wonder about about
these things. After all, its important to know how youre doing or if youre even going in
the right direction.
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Here are a few subtle signs of attraction that you might want to be on the look out for.
Body Language - There is an entire science to body language, but I dont want to turn
you into one of those guys who is so focused on what shes doing with her hair, how shes
holding her arms, or what it means when she taps her fngers on the table that you lose
track of the over all vibe of the conversation.
It is easy to fall into the trap of looking for signs that shes into you, or SOIs (signs of inter-
est) that it takes you away from enjoying the actual moment of the interaction. Besides
it is easy to look at a single body language cue in isolation and completely misread the
situation.
Instead, it is more productive to look at the overall picture of the situation. What does her
entire body language tell you about what she feels about you? Is this the way a woman
who is attracted to you would behave? Or is this how someone who just isnt into you
would act? Just go with your gut on this and dont think about it too hard (you want to
stay in the moment).
Actions - Aside from how she holds herself and her body language, it is important to look
at how she treats you. Does she treat you like the two of you are still together? Or are
you more like a means to an end?
Some women may try to use you to their advantage. Maybe shell try to get you to buy
things for her, thinking that you are so eager to win her back that you will happily com-
ply. Or perhaps she is just unreasonably cruel toward you. In either of these cases, it is
important to ask yourself if staying in a relationship with this woman is really in your best
interests.
On the other hand, if she puts in any effort to do something that pleases you at all, then
this is a huge sign that she likes you. Did she remember your birthday and buy you a
small gift? Did she go out of her way to visit you on the other side of town (or in another
town)? If she puts in any effort that shows that you were on her mind or that she remem-
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bered something that you like or something specifc about your life, then there is a good
chance that she still likes you.
Words - After body language and personal actions, her individual words are the fnal thing
you can use to tell if shes interested in you. The reason that these come last is because
they can be easily faked, whereas body language is more diffcult, and actions are rarely
faked (unless your girlfriend is some kind sociopath--do you really want her back?).
What you want to do is look for subtle things that she says such as, next time we hang
out... or Do you need any help with... These are all things that someone says when
they have a preconceived thought pattern of a future with you in it. Whats more impor-
tant is that these are all things that someone would say when they like you.
Try to take things like I miss you or Sometimes I wish we were back together with a
grain of salt since anyone can say these sorts of things (especially if they are trying to
manipulate you).
What youre looking for are things that have a hidden psychological foundation of her
building a future with you. You have to read between the lines a bit, and have the strength
to look past the obvious things she might say just to string you along. If in doubt, just trust
your initial reaction to what she says.
Most Importantly - More than any of these 3 things though, you really shouldnt put too
much stock in whether or not she likes you. This is a bit of an advanced mindset to
have, but when you boil it all down, you really shouldnt care what she thinks.
This may seem completely crazy to you, but I tell you there is some serious power in
this. This is very subtle, but let me explain this a bit.
As long as you are trying to evaluate whether or not she likes you, you will be living in
reaction to her. This is not owning your truth. Youre basing your whole emotional well-
being on her opinion of you. In case you dont catch it, this goes back to the Acceptance
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and Commitment thing. You see, youll be looking outside of yourself, and specifcally to
her, for reassurance that you are okay and that what youre doing is working.
You have to own your truth here. You have to be able to say with confdence in yourself
that you love this woman no matter whether or not she reciprocates that emotion.
This is very vulnerable, and diffcult for most guys to deal with. Yes, being vulnerable
may expose you to more pain, but also on the other side of that vulnerability is incredible
power that can spark attraction and open the door to the kind of intimacy that can really
give you an amazing relationship with your girlfriend.
When you take the frst step and open the door to being completely open and honest, you
are also welcoming your girlfriend to do the same. It is through this honesty that you can
discover her true feelings and even sway her if she is on the fence.
Now, of course, you dont want to do this from a place of neediness or desperation (we
talked about that in the Nourishing the Roots section of this book). But if your mindset is
Yeah, Im completely okay with who I am. I love my life just the way it is, but I also want to
be with you and enjoy life together with you, then that is incredibly more powerful. Youll
be able to cultivate this mindset by continuing to work on the exercises and concepts in
the frst part of this book.
Key Points About Whether She Likes You
Common ways to tell a woman likes you include:
Body language
Her actions
Her words
Remember to look past the obvious things she might say and do and try to
notice the psychology behind it. Is she trying to manipulate you? Or do her
actions tell a story of someone who genuinely cares for you?
On a deeper level, you should try to detach yourself from worrying about
whether or not she likes you.
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Second Dates (and Beyond)
Call her in a few days and suggest a second date. Again, you want to have something
in mind before you call her up. The plan for this date should be something personal or
meaningful to her. Maybe something you know she likes or something that the two of you
talked about on the frst date.
For example, if during your frst date she told you that she was taking a course on the his-
tory of modern art at her university, a good second date might be a visit to your citys art
museum. It is important to make this date a bit more personal by picking something that
shows you are aware of her interests, but it should also be something that you are inter-
ested in as well (so you can probably cross shopping for clothes off that list of possible
date ideas). Remember, you dont want to compromise yourself just to see her again.
If she is hesitant or doesnt want to see you again just yet, thats okay. Dont become
defensive about it. Simply try asking her out again in a weeks time. If she still refuses
you, then back off and let her propose an idea or let her ask you out. If she doesnt in
the next few weeks, then accept that perhaps she has moved on with her life and really
doesnt want you in it anymore.
I know this is going to be a tough pill to swallow, but youve got to accept that and try to
move on.
Expectations for the Second Date
For the second date (and any future dates), go with the basic guidelines for the frst
date. Dress well, have a good attitude, and be respectful while letting your natural per-
sonality and charisma shine through.
On the second date, you should keep the mood very light and fun, like the frst date. Here
you can start to firt a bit more when things are going well. In fact if things are going well,
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you ex may try to bring up the past, such as the break up or your old relationship.
If this happens, be willing to talk about what happened, but dont get mired down in the
negative emotions. Admit that things could have gone better, or that you may have made
mistakes but that youre trying to learn from the past so that you dont repeat it.
At the end of the date, if the mood feels right, you can kiss her, otherwise, just end with the
cheek kiss described earlier. If she feels uncomfortable about a kiss, dont worry or get
bent out of shape. Just say something cool and calm like Just take it as a compliment
or You cant blame a guy for trying.
Key Points on Second Dates (and Beyond):
Ask her out again a few days after the frst date.
Suggest doing something together that could be related to something you
talked about on the frst date or you know that she likes
The date should be something that you can also enjoy yourself
If she is busy, tell her to call you back when she is ready.
If she doesnt call you back, call again in one week.
If she is still reluctant or busy, consider that she may not want to see you
anymore.
Treat second dates essentially the same as frst dates, but you can start to firt a
bit more.
On the Topic of Sex
Now, as an ordinary modern man in our day and age, I understand that for you, sex is
probably something you can enjoy without emotion or connection. But you should under-
stand that for most women, sex is something that signifes a signifcant connection and
bond. Most women that have sex with a man do so because they want a relationship with
him.
If you and your ex-girlfriend end up having sex at some point on this date or on future
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dates, it is safe to assume that she is going to be receptive to the idea of getting back
together with you.
With this in mind though, you do not want to try to force or trick your ex into having sex
with you. After all, if youre like most men, that would be out of integrity with your values
(Commitment). No one wants to manipulate someone else into a relationship. It just isnt
going to feel rewarding or fulflling to be with them, knowing that they are only with you
because of trickery and deception.
However, if the two of you are having a good time, and the passion naturally arises on its
own, then by all means go with it.
Now, I know I said that most women view sex as something signifying connection and a
deeper relationship. But you must realize that there are some women out there that do
not see things this way. If you believe that your ex is using you for sex while your relation-
ship with her is not moving in a positive direction, then she is probably taking advantage
of you. Dont let this happen. I know you probably still love her, it feels good, and you
believe youre making progress, but dont let her have it both ways with you. She cant
have the benefts of a relationship with you while avoiding the commitment. That just isnt
fair to you and it makes you a doormat in her eyes (not good!).
Key Points About Sex:
If a woman has sex with you, then she probably wants to be in a relationship with
you
However, some women may try to take advantage of you and have it both ways.
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How and When to Bring Up the Subject of Reuniting
Continue to date your girlfriend for a few more weeks. Take things slow. Remember to
be in the moment and simply enjoy being with her. You want to treat this like how you
would in the beginning of a new relationship. Dont rush things too fast.
However, if after a few weeks or a few months, youll probably feel that it is time to get
back together with your girlfriend--or at least suggest the idea. Maybe your ex suggests
the idea herself.
If she brings it up, then by all means, be willing to have a conversation about it. If you
are the one that brings it up after a period of a few weeks or months, just do so caus-
ally. Mention that the two of you seem to be getting along well and that youd like to give
the relationship a second chance.
Remember to do this calmly and not from a place of desperation or neediness. Ideally,
you will be 100% okay with either a yes or a no. I know that you want to get your girl-
friend back, but you dont want to be doing anything from a place where you need her
back.
Simply state your truth and then wait for her response. There may be a long silence that
comes when you bring this up, but do not back-peddle or try to justify your desires. This
all goes back to Commitment and owning your truth and voicing your interest in getting
back together.
If she agrees to giving the relationship another chance, then congratulations! You may
feel ecstatic, but believe it or not, your work is just beginning here. Because, you see,
after you get her back, you need to make sure that you continue to improve yourself and
move your life in a positive direction. If you slip back into old routines and go back to
being who you where before the break up, she will feel that you simply tricked her into
coming back by putting on an act.
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Continue to section 3 of this book where Ill discuss how to keep your relationship going
strong for the long run.
Long Distance Relationships
Maybe youre thinking Okay, this is all fne and well, but my girlfriend and I are in a long
distance relationship. What can you do when your girlfriend lives in another city, state,
or even country?
If you are in a long distance relationship, you can still use the methods and techniques
described here, but youll have to use them in other ways. Instead of meeting in person,
for example, it may be more practical to have a Skype conversation or chat via webcam.
However, it is important to keep in mind that you should try to do the things described here
in person, if at all possible. If it makes sense for your job, or to visit friends, or something
else, you should try to visit the place your ex-girlfriend lives. Dont make the trip specif-
cally to visit her though. That puts a lot of pressure on the situation, which is only likely to
make her not want to meet with you.
However, if you just so happen to be in town for work or to see a friend, then that makes
it much more likely that she will meet with you.
Dont worry though, if you really cant go out of your way to visit your ex in the particular
place where she lives. You can still have quite an impact with the words you write in e-
mails, the things you say in phone calls, or your presence in video chats.
So the basic long distance plan to get her back is to replace the coffee date with a simple
Skype chat or phone call to catch up and see how you two are doing. You can continue
to talk to her by Skyping or calling her as future dates, but ideally you will want to meet
her in person at some point.
If it gets to the point where you are considering asking her to get back together with you,
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I would strongly recommend that you do this in person. It will have a much better impact
and allow you two to share a much nicer moment with each other.
Key Points About Long Distance Relationships:
Simply follow the plan for getting her back in person, but rely on things like
phone calls and video chatting to replace the conventional dates.
For best impact, consider going out to meet her in person when the time comes
to discuss getting back together.
What to Do if You Have a Negative Experience with Your Ex?
Despite your best intentions, things just might not go well during your frst date, your
seconds date, or anywhere else down the line. Maybe you and your ex have a fght, or
maybe you just dont know what to talk about on your date. Does this mean that youve
completely blown it and lost her for good?
Not by a long shot.
You can still save your relationship despite the fact that you may have had a bad experi-
ence. All it means is that things just didnt go the way you hoped that they would. This
doesnt mean that you need to stop or that hope is lost. All you need to do is pick yourself
up and try again.
Have a look at what might have gone wrong. Did you let your emotions get the best of
you? Were you busy focusing on what you dont want rather than what you do want? Were
you resisting something?
Take a few days or a week and work on your inner game more. Go back and practice the
exercises listed earlier in this book. This stuff requires continuous practice, and it is never
something that you will ever fnish learning. Then just ask your ex-girlfriend out again. If
you did something you regret, like starting an argument, then you should apologize for
that. Then just start over with a frst date again.
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On the other hand, if you believe that your girlfriend started the confrontation or negative
experience, perhaps you should consider the fact that she may not be ready for a relation-
ship with you at this point. Sometimes, no matter how open you may be, she may simply
be hell-bent on creating drama in her life.
What if She Has a New Boyfriend Already?
If your girlfriend is already seeing someone new right after your break up (which is fairly
common for women), what do you do?
First of all, accept that this is happening and fnd the ability to be emotionally okay with
this. Read the sections in this book about Acceptance and work on them as necessary.
Realize that your ex-girlfriend is in a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships rarely
work out in the long run. The reason for this is because your ex-girlfriend is going through
a lot of diffcult emotions right now, just like you are. Although she may be giving off the
appearance of being happy and that her life couldnt be better in her new relationship,
understand that she has not had the time to deal with the emotions from the break up yet.
She will eventually have to work through these feelings, and this will place a lot of stress
on her new relationship. This stress often destroys most rebound relationships.
Also, dont look at the other guy as your enemy. This will cause you to harbor negative
emotions toward him, which will likely only make you look bad and undermine your at-
tempts to save your relationship.
Instead just, continue with the normal plan described above by meeting your ex-girlfriend
for coffee and then seeing her casually from there on out.
When you do see her, make sure that you are supportive of the new relationship and
avoid saying anything that might make it look like you are cutting her new boyfriend down
such as sarcastic remarks or insults to him. This will only make it look like you are being
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extremely petty and insecure.
Just focus on being the best person you can be and continue with the plan as if she wasnt
seeing someone new already. This alone is enough to cause her to leave the new rela-
tionship.
This happens because her new boyfriend probably knows about you. He probably even
knows that she is seeing you. This will make him feel insecure. Additionally, your girl-
friend will be constantly comparing the two of you against each other. If she sees you be
a calm and enjoyable person to be around, while he is insecure and defensive, he is likely
to come out the loser.
Add to this the fact that she is still dealing with her own emotions from your break up and
you can quickly see that their relationship probably wont stand the test of time.
Key Points if She Is Seeing Someone New Already:
Work on being emotionally okay with this.
Rebound relationship rarely work out because your ex-girlfriend has
unresolved emotions.
Simply continue with the original plan and work on being the best person you
can be around her.
Dont bash her new boyfriend or put him down. This will only make you look
petty.
His own insecurities about her seeing you will make you look like the better guy.
In the end his insecurities and her unresolved emotions will likely end their
rebound relationship.
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If Things Do Not Work Out
Despite your best efforts and your best intentions, you must understand that things will
not necessarily work out with your ex. I dont know specifcally what happened between
you two, but if the damage is irreparable or your ex just doesnt want to get back together
with you, then you must be prepared to move on.
Fortunately, if you did the steps in the Nourishing the Roots section, you should already
be well on your path to healing and recovery. Simply continue by focusing on these steps
and you will gain the insight to move on in your life.
If the break up was especially diffcult for you, I would recommend not dating someone
new until you are emotionally ready for it. There is no set time for this. This is something
that only you will know for certain. Just take time to enjoy your life as a single guy and
learn to love yourself and you will know when you are ready to start dating again.
I know that it can be diffcult getting back into the dating game, but here are a few re-
sources that should help you out, when you are ready:
Authentic Man Program (http://exsolutionprogram.com/go/AMP) - The
Authentic Man Program (also known as AMP) is based in many similar ideas that
are discussed here in this book. AMP teaches men how to access their genuine
personality and bring it to the realm of meeting and dating women, rather than
using tricks and manipulation to seduce women.
Fireworks with Females (http://exsolutionprogram.com/go/freworks) -
This guide is geared toward helping men become the man that naturally attracts
women. You will discover how to embrace your natural personality in a way that
allows you to become a man that easily attracts the women that you truly desire.
Match (http://exsolutionprogram.com/go/match) - If youre like me, and the
whole bar and club scene was never really for you, online dating can provide a lot
of opportunities. With a few clicks of a mouse, you can fnd countless women in
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your area (that you may not have otherwise had the chance to meet) who are
ready to meet and date great men like you.
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Part III - Flourishing Leaves - Building a Relationship
That Lasts
If youre at this point, Im guessing you and your girlfriend are back together. Congratula-
tions! I know that you are probably on cloud 9 right now. But I want you to know that your
work isnt done yet.
You see, saving your relationship from a break up isnt really the hardest part. I know the
emotional turmoil you went through was pure hell, but the real challenge is keeping the
relationship from breaking up again.
Now that the two of you are back together, you have to work to make sure that both of you
break the old patterns that led up to the break up in the frst place.
Lets take one last look at the three relationship inner game qualities weve been discuss-
ing throughout this guide and explore how your mindset and beliefs can help to shape
your relationship together with your girlfriend.
It is important to remember that although you yourself may be practicing these mindset
qualities in your life, your girlfriend may not. However, this doesnt mean that hope is
lost. All it takes is for you to be willing to change that you interact with your girlfriend to
completely change the patterns and habits that the two of you share.
Awareness
It will be easy to fall back into comfortable routines and just sleepwalk through your rela-
tionship again. Unfortunately, we both already know where this road leads. Unless you
want your woman to walk out the door again you need to make sure that things are dif-
ferent.
I know that it is easy to get stuck in a rut or get caught up in the day-to-day grind of life.
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But Awareness is about breaking free from the places you sleepwalk in life and recon-
necting with the present moment.
Continue to make the effort of bringing your attention into the present moment and really
feeling yourself in your body. This will keep you from going unconscious and just running
on autopilot again.
Also remember to stay present with your girlfriend as well. Notice how she acts and re-
sponds. Again this is a calm and relaxed observance, not the leering gaze of a gawker or
the glazed-over look of someone who is spaced out. She may slip back into unconscious
routines that she had before the break up, but remember that it takes two to tango. As
long as at least one of you can stay in the moment and realize what is happening, you can
simply refuse to participate in the old habits that may have resulted in arguments, fghts,
or resentment.
This is where the relationship-level of Awareness comes into play. You can start to be
aware of how certain things that the two of you do, or did in the past will play out. You
can break that sleepwalking cycle and gain Awareness. From there you have the power
to choose how to respond. For example, where the two of you may have been caught in
a rut of going to work, coming home, watching TV, and going to bed to start again tomor-
row, you can decide to take things in a new direction that may actually begin build more
intimacy and connection in your relationship.
To help you continue to cultivate Awareness, you might consider taking up a daily practice
of meditation or yoga. If those sorts of activities dont seem manly enough for you, you
can start playing a sport of some kind. Nothing will help put your body and your mind
in the present moment like some good physical activity. After all, if you space out while
youre playing football, you just might get tackled.
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Acceptance
When it comes to practicing Acceptance on the relationship-level, you need to keep that
view of your girlfriend as a separate human being and maintain that curiosity about her
and her experience of the world.
It can be easy to label your partner, especially if you are in a long-term relationship. Any-
one can say something like my girlfriend cant control her spending or he only cares
about work but remember that these are ways that we put people in boxes and are a no
to who they really are. Instead of pushing your partner away by labeling them in this way,
you need to instead accept them as a full and complete person with their own desires and
fears.
Practice taking a moment every now and then to simply stare into your girlfriends eyes
and see past all the beliefs and labels that you might have about her and reconnect with
that shared humanity that the two of you have. Again, you want to make sure you really
get this on a gut-level, not just as an intellectual theory. Youre doing this right if you feel
her and can connect with her as another person with her own dreams, passions, fears,
and faults.
Do this with your relationship as well. If you notice that something is going down the
road to problems, you need to accept that and not push it away, block it out, or ignore the
problem. After all, isnt that at least part of the reason why you two ended up breaking up
in the frst place?
It is easy to look the other way or hope that things get better when, for example, we know
our partner may be unhappy. But it is much more productive to deal with the problem
directly rather than just hoping that things take care of themselves. This is how you can
stop a problem from festering and leading to the point where it can threaten to tear your
relationship apart.
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Commitment
Stay committed to owning your experience and directing the relationship in the way that
you want it to go. Keep in mind that when you voice your experience, you know you are
doing so in an authentic and genuine way when no one can argue with your point of view.
For example Youre being a bitch when you nag me! is not owning your experience.
That statement is debatable and in fact, it will probably lead to a fght. In truth, this kind of
statement comes from labeling or being a no to your partner. If you fnd yourself about
to say something like this thinking you are coming from a place of authenticity, go back
and take a moment to practice Acceptance again.
On the other hand, statements like I feel like you dont respect me when you nag me like
that are not arguable. They are your truth and your experience of the situation. State-
ments like this are also less likely to cause an argument.
How do you handle things when you start to notice that they arent going the way you want
them to? For example, how would you handle things when your girlfriend says something
aggravating or when you notice that youre headed down the road toward an argument?
First of all, congratulate yourself, you caught the pattern (Awareness) and you accepted
that it was happening (Acceptance). This is good progress. At this point all you have to
do is say something like I didnt want things to go this way, or Lets not do this, we both
know what will happen if we keep going down this road.
Things like this can break her unconscious pattern and give both of you the chance to
drop in and connect about what is really going on through a real and productive conversa-
tion--not a heated argument that will just result in insults and make both of you feel awful.
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Common Relationship Problems and How to Resolve Them
We just covered a bit of theory about the dynamics of relationship, but what about specifc
problems? Next Ill be going over a few basic problems that men have in relationships
and show you where they ft into our three relationship inner game qualities so that you
can develop a better understanding of how these concepts ft into what you may have
been doing in the past or may currently be doing now.
Your Girlfriend Takes You for Granted
A lot of men complain that their girlfriend takes them for granted. I dont know what the
situation is, but when you start to feel that youre being taken for granted, chances are
good that it is because you dont stand up for yourself or you are willingly volunteering to
do things for her and she has grown accustomed to this.
The solution to this kind of problem, is making a stand for your values and owning your
experience of what is going on. This of course is all about Commitment.
First, start by talking with your girlfriend about how youre feeling. Remember, that own-
ing your experience involves saying things that cannot be argued against. So, some-
thing like Youre taking me for granted isnt going to cut it, and it will probably lead to a
fght. Something like I feel taken for granted when you expect me to pay for everything
when we go out. When you say something like the second statement, you are speaking
your truth and you can likely cut straight to solving the problem rather than have some
huge argument about whether or not she is taking you for granted.
Secondly, if she is taking you for granted it is probably because on some level, she prob-
ably thinks that you are willing to comply or adjust your life to her needs. Now, Im not
saying that this is some kind of conscious thing that she is thinking. In fact, she probably
isnt even aware of this herself.
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Instead, dont be afraid to hold your ground if you dont want to do something. If she ex-
pects you to go and do something boring with her like shopping, tell her that youd rather
not. By being an independent person, she will learn to value your presence and the
things you do for her because she knows that you arent necessarily always going to be
there wiling to do the things she wants.
Failure to Really Talk with Each Other
When you and your girlfriend get stuck in a rut and it seems like its been days or weeks
since the two of you have sat down and had a real meaningful conversation with each
other, this is a problem with Acceptance.
There are a lot of reasons why this might be happening. Maybe the two of you are busy
these days and between working, errands, and everything else, there just isnt time to
sit down. Or maybe the two of you have the time to sit down with each other, but it just
seems that all you really talk about are the events that happened that day and your con-
versations just seem paper-thin and shallow.
If you dont have the time to sit down and talk, then you simply need to do that. I under-
stand that sometimes other things may take top priority in your life, but it is important to
take the time to reconnect with your relationship and ensure that the two of you dont grow
apart.
If your conversations just seem shallow and not rich and uplifting, that is because one,
or both, of you is assuming that you know the other. This, of course, is a death-nail for
curiosity. Remember that curiosity is what keeps conversations going and what has the
power to make them deep and meaningful.
Instead of trying to ft your girlfriend into a box of who you think she is, try to catch yourself
and learn to recognize what your beliefs about who she is and what she is like. Realize
that those are all just in your own head, and that they may be accurate, but they do not
describe her fully as the unique person that she undoubtedly is.
94
Once these beliefs and labels start to fall away, youll fnd that you can suddenly access
more curiosity about her and her experience of life. Your conversations will take on a
much richer and fulflling quality.
Too Much Arguing and Fighting
When you and your girlfriend get caught up in fghts and arguments this is a problem with
Acceptance. If you remember, Acceptance is about being a yes to your experience and
accepting it. This of course doesnt mean that you need to agree with everything your
girlfriend says, or that your girlfriend needs to agree with everything you say.
All this means is that you must stop judging and labeling either:
Each other
Each others ideas
All it takes is for one of you to break this cycle of arguing and fghting and tap into this.
Simply take a moment to connect with your girlfriend and see her as a unique human be-
ing with her own desires and fears, just like you.
When you get to this point, you start to become more curious than defensive and the ar-
gument will just lose its steam. An argument can only carry on as long as two people are
defending their beliefs from the others opinions.
Now, Im not telling you to cave in or simply agree with your girlfriends opinion. It isnt
good to compromise your beliefs and values for the sake of avoiding an argument. What
I am recommending that you do, however, is that you try to become curious about your
girlfriends opinion and try to understand things from her point of view. This can really
transform what would be a nasty fght into meaningful conversation that has the power to
deepen your connection and build intimacy.
95
Simply drop your defenses for a moment and start to ask her questions to really get to the
root of what she is saying. Oftentimes, when you start to really understand what lies be-
neath everything, youll discover that both you and your girlfriend actually have the same
values and youre both trying to get the same things in life. When you understand this, it
can become extremely diffcult to keep an argument going.
Youve Become a Jerk
When you think of a jerk you usually think of someone who has their own opinions about
things and is unwilling to show compassion for others or entertain their ideas. When your
girlfriend calls you a jerk, what this means is that youre again not practicing Acceptance.
This again goes back to cultivating that shared sense of humanity and curiosity toward
others and their view of the world.
When youre being a jerk, youre really just insulating yourself from the opinions and be-
liefs of others. In essence, you are closing your mind and rejecting others and their ideas.
This makes you right, and everyone else wrong, unless they happen to believe the same
things that you do or act in a way that is in accordance with how you want them to act.
What you want to do to correct this problem is to start to loosen up your defenses. Ac-
cept that, yes, you may have your own way of seeing the world, but that doesnt make
other views wrong or bad. Instead of being so closed to others consider them a chance
to compare your ideas to theirs. Not only will you get to see the world through a different
pair of eyes, but you will also be vulnerable to them.
This problem also deals with Commitment to owning your own truth and your emotions.
Jerks tend to deny their own feelings and emotions in order to appear tough and macho,
like we described earlier when comparing the Nice Guy to the Macho Jerk.
I know that it may seem uncomfortable to allow yourself to be impacted by others, but life
is about growing and enjoying a rich variety of experiences, not about walling yourself off
96
from others.
Once you can open yourself up more to others and consider their own unique favor, you
can stop being labeled a jerk and youll fnd that youre actually able to have much more
rewarding relationships with them.
Youve Become a Nice Guy
The opposite of the jerk is the nice guy. When you think of the nice guy, you probably
imagine the friendly guy that will always bend over backwards for others and who is al-
ways willing to put his own needs on hold to take care of others.
The nice guy thing is a problem with Commitment and a little bit of Acceptance too.
Nice guys are often too afraid to speak their own truth and state their needs. Instead they
believe that if they can take care of everyone else that their needs will be met as well by
others.
Unfortunately this isnt how the world works. If youre too much of a nice guy and youre
not getting your needs met or youre being treated like a doormat, you need to work on
cultivating your Commitment to your own values and truths. Practice by being honest
with your feelings or by disagreeing with others when you dont share the same opinion.
One thing nice guys do, is that they try to avoid confict at all costs. They will agree with
others even when dont want do. They will apologize when someone gets angry even if
they dont know what they did wrong. This really all boils down to safety. The nice guy
tries to avoid confict at all costs because it doesnt feel safe.
Another thing that nice guys do is that they create what are called covert contracts with
others and with the world. These are agreements that happen in the nice guys mind, but
no one else explicitly knows about them. These might be things like If I go on a boring
shopping trip to the mall with you, then you will be nice to me or If I help you with your
schoolwork, then youll want to sleep with me.
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This part of the problem comes from a lack of Acceptance. Here the nice guy is overly fx-
ated on achieving a specifc outcome. If I do A, then you NEED to do B. But underneath
it all, the nice guy isnt owning his own truth. Instead of voicing his needs and opinions,
he feels like he needs to hide them or that the only way he can get them met is by taking
care of others.
If this is your problem, then you need to realize that no one can read your mind and that
the only way to get your needs met is make sure that others know about them. So go
ahead and tell your girlfriend exactly what you want and youll be surprised at how easy
good communication can be and how you may actually start getting your way more often.
She Says She Cant Trust You
Trust issues in a relationship stem from a lack of Commitment. Essentially, you say that
you are going to do something, but then you dont--or you do the opposite. You are out
of alignment with your sense of Commitment to your values, and your girlfriend doesnt
know what to expect from you.
To fx this problem, you need to become more transparent and honest about your inten-
tions. If the problem is that trust was broken by something like an affair, then you may
have more work cut out for you. Trust is something that can only be rebuilt with time and
consistent transparency.
Essentially what is wrong is that your girlfriend doesnt know where you stand on things.
Women want a man to be a rock--something sturdy and unwavering that she can count
on to be there for her. Women are already emotional as it is and if she doesnt know
where you stand on anything, then that is just going to lead to some serious drama issues
in your relationship.
What youre going to have to do is practice following through on what you say and really
commit yourself to your core values and beliefs. If you need to take, some time and ask
yourself What is important to me about life? Write down a list of your answers. These
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are your values.
If you dont like what you wrote down, consider that you might need to change the direc-
tion your life is headed in and take appropriate action.
Trust is something that takes time to build. Have the patience and dedication to build it
up so that you and your girlfriend can enjoy life together with each other.
How to Keep Passion in the Relationship
There are tons of books and gurus out there that will happily give you relationship advice
about how to keep the spark in a relationship. Maybe they recommend a candlelit dinner
or surprising your girlfriend with gifts.
By now, you can probably tell that I dont believe that there is a one-size-fts-all solution to
keeping the romance in a relationship. All of these tips are just more surface level things
meant to staple the leaves on our metaphorical dying tree. By now you know that real
passion comes from nourishing the roots of the tree.
This means that if you can take the time to tap into your Awareness, Acceptance, and
Commitment, then the passion will naturally fow from your relationship.
This is how you gain access to wonderful inside jokes, fun games you play with each
other, and embrace the adventure of romance and discovering each other together.
From here youll never need to read more tips on how to rekindle the love or keep a re-
lationship going strong. All those tips will really do is prop up a dying relationship for just
a little longer. Over time it will take more and more effort to sustain it until the underlying
problems are solved.
From a place of authenticity, youll be able to spontaneously and naturally create mo-
ments that stand head and shoulders above the trite and generic advice given out by re-
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lationship gurus. You cant follow a script to save your relationship or get your girlfriend
to come back to you. It all has to come from you. But once youve improved yourself and
gotten to the point where you dont close yourself down emotionally anymore, it will come
a lot easier and it wont be something you need to struggle to do.
Closing Thoughts
I covered a lot in this guide. If youve gone through this and youve actually done the ex-
ercises, you should be in a much better mental state of mind, you should have taken the
steps you need to get your girlfriend back, and you now know how to navigate the various
problems that may crop up in a relationship.
What is most important though is that by using the information in this book, youve not
only given yourself the best possible shot out there at getting your girlfriend back, but that
youve learned some incredibly valuable tools that can help make every aspect of your
life much more fulflling and rewarding. You can apply these concepts to pretty much any-
thing from your career, personal goals, and relationships with friends and family as well.
Although, I know you came here to learn how to fx your relationship, I hope that you can
gain the appreciation to continue applying these principles to every area of your life. The
relationship was the carrot on the stick that taught you what you needed to know, but I
hope that you now care enough about your own life and living it to its fullest that you will
continue to explore how you can continue to deepen your experience of it even further.
Thank you again for getting the Ex Solution Program, and I sincerely wish you the best
with your relationship and in life.

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2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela

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