"Happy Endings"

Margaret Atwood
John and Mary meet.
What happens next?
If you want a happy ending, try A.
A.
John and Mary fall in love and get married. They both have worthwhile and
remunerative obs whi!h they find stimulating and !hallenging. They buy a
!harming house. "eal estate values go up. #ventually, when they !an afford
live$in help, they have two !hildren, to whom they are devoted. The !hildren
turn out well. John and Mary have a stimulating and !hallenging sex life and
worthwhile friends. They go on fun va!ations together. They retire. They both
have hobbies whi!h they find stimulating and !hallenging. #ventually they die.
This is the end of the story.
B.
Mary falls in love with John but John doesn%t fall in love with Mary. &e merely
uses her body for selfish pleasure and ego gratifi!ation of a tepid 'ind. &e
!omes to her apartment twi!e a wee' and she !oo's him dinner, you%ll noti!e
that he doesn%t even !onsider her worth the pri!e of a dinner out, and after he%s
eaten dinner he fu!'s her and after that he falls asleep, while she does the
dishes so he won%t thin' she%s untidy, having all those dirty dishes lying around,
and puts on fresh lipsti!' so she%ll loo' good when he wa'es up, but when he
wa'es up he doesn%t even noti!e, he puts on his so!'s and his shorts and his
pants and his shirt and his tie and his shoes, the reverse order from the one in
whi!h he too' them off. &e doesn%t ta'e off Mary%s !lothes, she ta'es them off
herself, she a!ts as if she%s dying for it every time, not be!ause she li'es sex
exa!tly, she doesn%t, but she wants John to thin' she does be!ause if they do it
often enough surely he%ll get used to her, he%ll !ome to depend on her and they
will get married, but John goes out the door with hardly so mu!h as a good$
night and three days later he turns up at six o%!lo!' and they do the whole
thing over again.
Mary gets run$down. (rying is bad for your fa!e, everyone 'nows that and so
does Mary but she !an%t stop. )eople at wor' noti!e. &er friends tell her John is
a rat, a pig, a dog, he isn%t good enough for her, but she !an%t believe it. Inside
John, she thin's, is another John, who is mu!h ni!er. This other John will
emerge li'e a butterfly from a !o!oon, a Ja!' from a box, a pit from a prune, if
the first John is only s*uee+ed enough.
,ne evening John !omplains about the food. &e has never !omplained about
her food before. Mary is hurt.
&er friends tell her they%ve seen him in a restaurant with another woman,
whose name is Madge. It%s not even Madge that finally gets to Mary- it%s the
restaurant. John has never ta'en Mary to a restaurant. Mary !olle!ts all the
sleeping pills and aspirins she !an find, and ta'es them and a half a bottle of
sherry. .ou !an see what 'ind of a woman she is by the fa!t that it%s not even
whis'ey. /he leaves a note for John. /he hopes he%ll dis!over her and get her to
the hospital in time and repent and then they !an get married, but this fails to
happen and she dies.
John marries Madge and everything !ontinues as in A.
C.
John, who is an older man, falls in love with Mary, and Mary, who is only
twenty$two, feels sorry for him be!ause he%s worried about his hair falling out.
/he sleeps with him even though she%s not in love with him. /he met him at
wor'. /he%s in love with someone !alled James, who is twenty$two also and not
yet ready to settle down.
John on the !ontrary settled down long ago- this is what is bothering him. John
has a steady, respe!table ob and is getting ahead in his field, but Mary isn%t
impressed by him, she%s impressed by James, who has a motor!y!le and a
fabulous re!ord !olle!tion. 0ut James is often away on his motor!y!le, being
free. 1reedom isn%t the same for girls, so in the meantime Mary spends
Thursday evenings with John. Thursdays are the only days John !an get away.
John is married to a woman !alled Madge and they have two !hildren, a
!harming house whi!h they bought ust before the real estate values went up,
and hobbies whi!h they find stimulating and !hallenging, when they have the
time. John tells Mary how important she is to him, but of !ourse he !an%t leave
his wife be!ause a !ommitment is a !ommitment. &e goes on about this more
than is ne!essary and Mary finds it boring, but older men !an 'eep it up longer
so on the whole she has a fairly good time.
,ne day James bree+es in on his motor!y!le with some top$grade (alifornia
hybrid and James and Mary get higher than you%d believe possible and they
!limb into bed. #verything be!omes very underwater, but along !omes John,
who has a 'ey to Mary%s apartment. &e finds them stoned and entwined. &e%s
hardly in any position to be ealous, !onsidering Madge, but nevertheless he%s
over!ome with despair. 1inally he%s middle$aged, in two years he%ll be as bald as
an egg and he !an%t stand it. &e pur!hases a handgun, saying he needs it for
target pra!ti!e$$this is the thin part of the plot, but it !an be dealt with later$$
and shoots the two of them and himself.
Madge, after a suitable period of mourning, marries an understanding man
!alled 1red and everything !ontinues as in A, but under different names.

D.
1red and Madge have no problems. They get along ex!eptionally well and are
good at wor'ing out any little diffi!ulties that may arise. 0ut their !harming
house is by the seashore and one day a giant tidal wave approa!hes. "eal
estate values go down. The rest of the story is about what !aused the tidal
wave and how they es!ape from it. They do, though thousands drown, but 1red
and Madge are virtuous and grateful, and !ontinue as in A.
E.
.es, but 1red has a bad heart. The rest of the story is about how 'ind and
understanding they both are until 1red dies. Then Madge devotes herself to
!harity wor' until the end of A. If you li'e, it !an be 2Madge,2 2!an!er,2 2guilty
and !onfused,2 and 2bird wat!hing.2
F.
If you thin' this is all too bourgeois, ma'e John a revolutionary and Mary a
!ounterespionage agent and see how far that gets you. "emember, this is
(anada. .ou%ll still end up with A, though in between you may get a lustful
brawling saga of passionate involvement, a !hroni!le of our times, sort of.
.ou%ll have to fa!e it, the endings are the same however you sli!e it. 3on%t be
deluded by any other endings, they%re all fa'e, either deliberately fa'e, with
mali!ious intent to de!eive, or ust motivated by ex!essive optimism if not by
downright sentimentality.
The only authenti! ending is the one provided here-
John and Mary die. John and Mary die. John and Mary die.
/o mu!h for endings. 0eginnings are always more fun. True !onnoisseurs,
however, are 'nown to favor the stret!h in between, sin!e it%s the hardest to do
anything with.
That%s about all that !an be said for plots, whi!h anyway are ust one thing
after another, a what and a what and a what.
4ow try &ow and Why.