Escolar Documentos
Profissional Documentos
Cultura Documentos
Download free QR Readers from
the web and scan this QR (Quick
Response) code with your smart
phone for pictures, videos and
more stories.
Monday
Kick Of Your Week
The Perfect Way To
Monday
STANDARD
WITH THE
Pullout Section B Monday, July 21, 2014
Monday
Kick Of Your Week
The Perfect Way To
Monday
STANDARD
WITH THE
Oyunga
Pala:
Honey,
I have a
headache,
P.4
Living apart
together
Ignored, bored and frustrated wives whose husbands
are unavailable now live like singles or widows, P.8-9
Pastor in love
charms scandal
with witchdoctor
divorces wife,
P.16
Page 2 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
WACKY LEAKS
Manager red for be-
ing nice and civil
Mark Mutahi pokes fun at
Kenyans sense of civility.
He cautions that if Ken-
yans are not careful, lack
of manners will soon be
institutionalised. Which
could be the case current-
ly, anyway.
................................Page 3
POLITICALLY
INCORRECT
Why African teams
performed badly in WC
Peter wanyonyi explains
why African teams did not
do well at the Word Cup.
He further highlights les-
sons they ought to have
learnt.
...............................Page 6
FEMINIST
Secret to success, happi-
ness for women; be mean
Anne Muiruri suggests
that for women to be hap-
py and successful in life
they have to be mean and
tough, lest their dreams
are killed by ever-mean
men.
.............................Page 10
UGANDAN AFFAIRS
Lies, myths about boda
boda riders debunked
Grace Nakato puts herself
in the shoes of boda boda
men and lays bare the lies
and ignorance the rest of
us harbour about them.
.............................Page 14
KAHAWA TUNGU
Pastor, witchdoctor in
love potion scandal
Hamza Babu tickles you
with a nutty tale of a man
of God who was forced to
pay his wifes love potion
arrears to a witchdoctor.
.............................Page 16
In 1 Minute...
myturn
THIKA ROAD VANDALISM
Dear Governor Kidero and Governor Kabogo
under whose jurisdiction Thika superhighway
falls, I am glad to inform you that since the
Head of State said we must do an about-turn
and face East, I suggest you do the same. For
instance, did you know that in Singapore, you
are sentenced to some rather painful caning
(yes, viboko) for vandalism, illegal entry and
overstaying your visa for over 90 days? If you
impose entry visas to Nairobi and Kiambu,
the number of visitors we receive from shags
(where there are functional county govern-
ments and parliaments) there will be fewer
folks opening kiosks on road reserves and
vandalising metal on Thika Road. In Singapore,
they also cane robbers to save on money to
buy bullets, but they hang drug trafckers.
Waheshimiwa, isnt there some reward for this
solid advice on how to manage your counties?
To
n
y
M
a
les
i
MUTUTHO SAYS SOBER UP AND
WORK! LETS DRINK TO THAT
Unwanted guest: Old boy my foot! Get lost! p. 15
W
hen an American suspects you are about to say or
do something unpleasant or offensive, he or she in-
terjects by yelling, Dont even go there! Which is an
informal warning of grave consequences for going
there. To most Kenyans, there is actually where
Nacada boss John Mututho has gone with his crusade against, among
other things, alcohol abuse.
Nobody, make no mistake, comes between Kenyans and alcohol.
If you risk, mark my words, the consequences are dire. Mututho (party
pooper extraordinaire?) is treading on dangerous ground. Last time he
went there, his constituents punished him severely; he only sees bunge
from the outside after they voted him out. If Kenyans opt to commit slow
suicide with their choice poisons, try to stop them at your own risk. If you
doubt this, recall that just this week, a bunch of youths almost cancelled a
chiefs Christmas just because he attempted to stop them from consum-
ing suspected poisonous brew.
Not long ago, a driver and a turn-boy of an overturned lorry that was
ferrying beer to Nyeri died as youths scrambled for free beer. The de-
ceaseds cries for help fell on deaf ears, seeing as everyone was busy loot-
ing. Police had to teargas them and shoot in the air to disperse them. Well,
Im not about to call for banning of alcohol, and perhaps proposing coffee
to take its place. No! Okay, well, I know coffee, just like alcohol, is a stim-
ulant. But stimulating as a coffee brew may be, it honestly has a long way
to go if at all it will ever try to outdo alcohol in getting a Kenyan high! But
I digress.
Government must moderate Kenyans alcohol intake by regulating
production and consumption. See, beer is not that bad. The problem
with Kenyans is they always try to compete in imbibing it. Look, folks, you
cant compete with alcohol; this thing was here long before you and is first
mentioned in the Good Book of Genesis, and you will leave it behind. You
cant win. No you cant! By press time, the death toll following consump-
tion of poisonous alcohol in Uasin Gishu County was 28. This comes hot
on the heels of yet similar deadly incidents in which more than 100 died
in Central and Eastern Kenya.
We have a suicidal drinking culture, which is having a negative effect
on society. We are increasingly becoming a Drinking Nation. Alcohol is no
longer taken baada ya kazi. In fact, nobody cares about doing kazi itself,
for all we do is drink, drink and drink. We have even made Thursday the
new Friday, just to show how desperate we are for the weekend to be ush-
ered in sooner so we can dash for our favourite tipple until we topple over.
The Kenyan drinker will come up with weirdest excuses to drink on
an odd day (like Monday) or time (such as in the morning). Its common
to hear a drunkard insist on, one last one for the road. At the start of the
week you will hear them use Monday blues as an excuse to drink (fungua
lock); on Tuesday, the excuse will be to release stress after kids, wife and
boss allegedly got on their nerves; on Wednesday he will say he is celebrat-
ing women for it ladies night after all; and of course, Thursday is the new
Friday, meaning the weekend has begun, and alcohol must flow freely!
Mututho, apart from likening Masaku to Sodom and Gomorrah (what
is it about these fabled twin cities and sin?), we support you on this noble
cause. Cheers, mate!
COME BABY, COME: See, Russia is ready for 2018 World Cup.
Group Managing Editor (Print): Kipkoech Tanui
Deputy Managing Editor (Daily Editions): Peter Okongo
Revise Editor: Henry Munene
Senior Sub-Editor: Tony Malesi Staf Writer: Silas Nyanchwani
Writers: Peter Wanyonyi, Anil Bakari, Ted Malanda, Ferdinand Mwongela, Anne
Muiruri, Nikko Tanui, Oyunga Pala, Bill Odunga, Tony Masikonde and Mark
Mutahi, Mwalimu Socrates and Grace Nakato
Manager Print Creative : Dan Weloba Creative Designer: Viginia Borura
Photography: Jacob Otieno, Peter Ochieng
Illustration: Kennedy Kaburu, Michael Munene
E-mail: crazymonday@standardmedia.co.ke
Website: http://www.standardmedia.co.ke
All correspondence to Crazy Monday is assumed to be intended for
publication. Crazy Monday accepts no responsibility for unsolicited
manuscripts, artworks or photographs.
All rights on publication remain with the publisher
www.standardmedia.co.ke
JOIN US ONLINE AT
www.standardmedia.co.ke
JOIN US ONLINE AT
Send comments and feedback on
our stories to
crazymonday@standardmedia.co.ke
and like our Ofcial Crazy Monday
Magazine on Facebook.
/ Page 3 CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
A
young man in Nakuru
County is reeling from
shock and heartache after
he discovered that a wom-
an he thought was madly
in love with him, and whom he had even
bought an expensive, brand-new mobile
phone, had been taking him for a ride
and playing him with other men.
The young man was so much in love
with her that he offered everything she
requested or demanded. Thus, after her
made-in-China contraption malfunc-
tioned beyond repair, he bought her a
smartphone worth tens of thousands.
The woman works as a waitress at a
restaurant in Nakuru town, and wouldnt
have afforded the phone on her own, if the
peanuts she earned were anything to go by.
What the young man does for a living is not
known, though he was only revealed to this
writer as a hustler.
HEART MELTING
A source close to the young man re-
vealed that he met the woman after he had
gone to eat where she works.
The first day he saw her, her beauty al-
legedly got his heart melting and his knees
weak, and he didnt hesitate to make his in-
tentions known.
He covered her ears with honey-coated
words, and even reinforced his bid for a
special spot in her heart by surprising her
with a tip every now and then.
At some point, she became incommu-
nicado. The young man became anxious
and went to her place of work to check her
out, only to realise that her phone had mal-
functioned.
Eager to please her, the gentleman
found it as an opportunity to impress and
surprise her with a brand-new, original
phone, using money he had saved up for
quite some time; a terrible decision he is
now regretting.
Unbeknown to him, there were oth-
er men tuning the woman. And to make
matters worse, the woman was entertain-
ing his gentlemanly gestures for her selfish
ends, without him being any wiser.
Unfortunately, he swallowed her wiles
hook, line and sinker! It never occurred to
him that he was being used.
Apparently, what was going on in their
relationship was not very clear. So, as the
source intimates, when their daily phone
conversations began waning, he got wor-
ried.
It reached a point where she no longer
replied to his text messages promptly. She
took her sweet time, at times days, to re-
spond.
What really made him suspicious was
the fact that she became unenthusiastic
about him, and never bothered to respond
even after he surprised her with airtime.
To get things back on course, he planned a
meeting with the woman last Sunday.
ROMANTIC MESSAGES
They met at Nakurus Nyayo Gardens in
what was supposedly a patching-up date.
During the date, the young man, out of cu-
riosity, asked her how good her new phone
was.
Meanwhile, he began scrutinising the
phone, scrolling through the various ap-
plications. Hell broke loose when he stum-
bled upon romantic messages from other
men. It got crazier when he dialled his
number and what came on the screen was
the name Nagging Peter.
The miffed young man couldnt take
it any more; he fumbled with the phone
and chucked her SIM and memory cards,
which he flung at her and walked off,
seething with rage.
The woman has neither seen him nor
heard from him since that day.
Micro-blogging company res top
manager for preaching civility
odds&ends/Funny, strange news
A
micro-blogging com-
pany has fired a top
manager in its Kenyan
branch after he had
only served the firm
for a period of less than one year.
No reason was immediately given
for his sacking but speculation is al-
ready rife as to what could have led
to his firing.
One of the reasons being floated
is that he was verbally abused by the
regional head but instead of insulting
back he politely walked away without
engaging his senior.
Calling someone names without
them hitting back is no fun, the re-
gional head is said to have fumed by
those who witnessed the incident.
Who do you think you are, going
against the tradition and DNA of our
company? You are a big letdown you
piece of $#!X!
It has also emerged that the now
jobless man was in the months lead-
ing to his sacking involved in a cam-
paign advocating for civility by the
users of the social media service.
It is said his efforts were beginning
to bear fruit and this is what could
have spooked his seniors, culminat-
ing in his sacking.
Civility on social media? Are you
nuts? The internet is a place of free-
dom without responsibility! a senior
executive at the micro-blogging ser-
vice is said to have rebuffed the for-
mer manager.
Another reason that could have led
to the managers sacking is believed to
be his action to unfollow some of the
well known notorious hate-mongers.
For this he was accused of high-hand-
edness and intolerance.
But if the micro-blogging service
thought it would earn the love of Ken-
yans by its move, it was mistaken. Lo-
cal users of the service immediately
engaged their usual tools of trade and
started throwing insults and jibes left,
right and centre while making the idle
threat to boycott the service if their
fellow countryman was not reinstat-
ed.
ABUSE PEOPLE
The local users only calmed down
and went back to their usual bashing
of each others tribes when they were
told the man had been fired for not
behaving like one of them.
Ah, what a relief! exclaimed
one user once an explanation
had been offered. He was a trai-
tor going against our culture and
traditions. Serves him right!
But even before the dust had settled,
the micro-blogging firm is already
making plans to fill the position left
by the sacked executive. An advert for
the vacant position has already been
published in the local dailies.
Do all your arguments online de-
generate into insults and name-call-
ing faster than you can type? the
advert reads. Does the relative ano-
nymity of the internet mislead you to
believe you can abuse people all you
want? Are you completely incapable
of engaging in civil discourse? If you
were an animal which one would
you be... scratch that... if you were a
human which one would you be? If
this sounds like you, apply now to do
something you love hate.
Reliable sources confide that part
of the interview process will entail ex-
changing insults and hateful postings
with the interviewing panel in keep-
ing with social media traditions. The
only experience required for the job is
having used social media for at least
a few hours. Enough time for anyone
to get acquainted with the online jun-
gle of venom, revealed a source who
is well acquainted with the process.
Love-smitten man dumps girlfriend for
saving him on phone as Nagging Peter
Y B PAUL KARIUKI
wackyleaks/WITH MARK MUTAHI
Page 4 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
Yes, men can also have headaches
thesecrazykenyans/OYUNGA PALA FINDS THE HUMAN IN THE KENYAN
I
t is generally assumed
that men cannot wait
to get it up. Girls grow
up with the notion
that men have to be
resisted because all they think
about is sex. But not all men
are built alike. There are some
guys who do not seem the least
bit interested in sex and would
rather watch a good movie.
It gets even more frightening
when the man is a committed
partner and he seems to always
come up with one excuse or the
other for avoiding lovemaking.
Well, here is the thing. Men can
also have headaches.
Why would a gentleman who
treats you okay keep finding
something more pressing to at-
tend to even when the woman
makes it absolutely clear that
she is in the mood.
Whats his problem? Doesnt
he find me attractive? Is he
cheating on me? Is he gay! Not
necessarily. As men get older
and as a result more eligible as
steady partners, they become
more discerning about their
sexual choices. Experience, they
say, is the best teacher, and sex
can be quite the chore when
compatibility is lacking.
EGYPTIAN MUMMY
Boring sex is a mood killer.
Too many good-looking wom-
en spend a great deal of effort
on their outward appearance,
but tend to make no investment
in lovemaking skills. After a
long-winded chase, a man takes
a woman home to discover that
he carted an Egyptian mummy
to bed. Boring sex is like a slow
puncture, diffusing progressive-
ly all the passion and desire in a
relationship.
Another factor that kills de-
sire is the power games some
women play. A man comes home
after a long and stressful day at
the office. All he wants is a hot
meal, some down time in front
of the TV and possibly a little
tenderness between the sheets
afterwards. He walks through the
door and meets a confrontation-
al woman with 101 questions to
ask, Where were you? It is de-
pressing and to expect him to be
interested in make-up sex after-
wards is presumptuous.
Too many women are social-
ised to believe that a man must
plead and beg before he gets
even a peck. It works in high
school but in grown-up circles,
the level of run-around gets old.
When a woman takes on an en-
titled position, treating sex as
a privilege that she controls, it
drives men away. When he re-
alises that sex is totally depen-
dent on his wifes mood, he will
get tired of negotiating and find
a plan B and sometimes, it is as
innocent as making his work his
mistress.
TOES CURL
Then there is performance
pressure. Imagine a 70-year-
old man trying to keep a spir-
ited 22-year-old happy. It is a
heart-stopping affair. The pres-
sure to please and scale heights
until toes curl can get intimidat-
ing. Sexually aggressive women
scare guys off. The reasons could
also be psychological.
The embarrassment of erec-
tile dysfunction and men who
feel that they are not adequately
equipped. Somewhere along the
T
he mark of a true
relationship is
that it does not
rely on Facebook
updates to keep
it thriving. Facebook is a bit
like Hollywood. Every love
story must have a happy end-
ing. Scroll through the daily
updates and you will be awed
by the commitment that some
Kenyan men pay to their wom-
en.
I have seen such sweet and
touchy updates from men that
generate likes from impressed
and envious female digital voy-
eurs by the second. What a sen-
sitive guy! Amazing! The ten-
dency to post mushy updates
is becoming a bit of a clich,
though.
I mean, you stay in the same
house with her, spend the night
together and you still want to
post an update that reads, Just
to wish the love of my life a su-
per day.
Why does every import-
ant life change have to be an-
nounced on Facebook? What
happened to just picking up
the phone? I am always weary
of couples who feel the need to
give strangers a blow-by-blow
account of how happy their rela-
tionships are.
CONFESSIONAL BOOTH
But as a result of this trend,
more men feel pressurised to
join the herd of Facebook ro-
mantics. Facebook is like a dig-
ital confessional booth where
men are trooped in and forced to
declare their love or else! It starts
with simple things. Change your
relationship profile to in a rela-
tionship.
The profile picture is re-
placed with a loving couple shot
to mostly deter any women who
might assume that you are sin-
gle. Before you know it, you have
an entire album of special mo-
ments surrendered to Facebook
How Facebook will kill your relationship
for public consumption.
Then you have to like or re-
spond to every single status up-
date your woman puts up, to
show you truly care. You had bet-
ter not forget any worthy anni-
versaries. While you are expected
to accept the numerous compli-
ments that follow your womans
regular picture and status up-
dates, that level of tolerance does
not always apply to men.
JEALOUSY, INSECURITY
Post a new picture and a cou-
ple of total strangers respond with
something as simple as, Looking
really handsome, Sam. That is
enough to start a confrontation
and it does not help the matter in
the least to say, Babes, I have no
idea who Suzie Hotpants is.
Facebook is a festering ground
for jealousy and insecurity. It can
turn spying on your spouses digi-
tal activity into an obsession. Get
a life. Spend more time offline in
the real world talking to actual
people and not their avatars.
Y B OYUNGA PALA
growth path, a man had shown
up in bed all set and ready and
the girl of the moment had
laughed off his equipment. That
sort of dismissal cuts deep and it
takes years to get over the trau-
ma of inadequacy.
The reason a lot of attached
or married men prefer to mas-
turbate is because it comes
with guarantees and is usually
drama-free. Guys, learn quick-
ly that there is no such thing as
free things in life.
Sex can turn a potentially
easy relationship into an ego
contest, leading to unplanned
parenthood with an alimony bill
attached to it.
Mostly though, the reason
men avoid sex is simply because
he is just not that into you.
/ Page 5 CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
Youve never looked slimmer, darling
Ted Malanda draws on the wisdom of his royal Wanga
ancestors to try and understand a world gone mad
lifesacircus
If they ask whether a dress is
okay, and we are dead sure it is
an absolute disaster because it is
meant for a woman who weighs
40 kilos less, we lean back, ap-
praise them with a keen look, our
eyes aflame with desire, and, in
deep baritone, say, Sweetie, no
woman has looked lovelier in a
dress!
I
hold Mzee Mwai Kibaki
in high esteem, particu-
larly his singular ability
to steer clear of a fray.
I mean, who enjoys a
bloodied nose?
I know this prudence was
mistaken for cowardice, till he
became the first command-
er-in-chief in our history to send
our troops into battle in a foreign
country.
Typical of the man, he casu-
ally mentioned it two weeks later
and didnt bother to tell off pesky
foreign experts whose esteemed
view was that KDF would be given
a hiding by jokers who go to war
riding on pickups.
At his retirement, which was
well deserved after 50 years of
public service, none other than
James Orengo, a political foe, paid
tribute, describing him as one of
Kenyas finest legislators.
When Kibaki addressed the
House, there was silence, Orengo
said.
If you have had the misfortune
of watching our Parliament in
session, you will appreciate that
keeping that querulous bunch
quiet is no mean task. I suspect
the small gavel the Speaker keeps
on his table is occasionally used
to bang a few noisy heads when
the camera isnt watching.
FLAUNTING WEALTH
That place is so unruly that
taxpayers even pay a guy called
Sergeant at arms- some kind of
well-paid bouncer in nice uni-
form - to fling noisemakers, trou-
ble makers and brawlers out.
I also like Kibaki because you
Why I am salivating for
Kibakis retirement cows
walkwithme...
Ati there is an international union for professional footballers?
And that they are demanding that FIFA MCAs legislate new rules
compelling any player injured on-eld not to return to the eld of
play. I am sure the MCAs could demand a hefty sitting allowance and
a trip abroad to some other exotic location with nude beach dancers
before acceding to these demands and drop any impeachment
Motion against Mr Sepp Blatter. But, I wonder whether Mr Atwoli is
aware of the existence of this union. Imagine if our very own Francis
was elected to lead such a union so that Harambee Stars can be in
every World Cup!
Not even the wizardry of lion-hearted Messi or the
prayers and smiles of Pope Francis could help Argentina
break through the yellow, black and red tape of the German
ag. In fact, a whistleblower tells us that Pope emeritus
Benedict XVI was spotted doing a backip after the World
Cup nal whistle because some of the players hail from his
Bavaria homecounty. Anyone opposed to the suggestion
that Sarah Serem should review the emeritus fellows
pension for undermining his boss? Voting is underway and
the tally will be announced in this column next week.
But there is some saving grace since even the Germans dont
get to stash the six and-a-quarter kilo of 75 per cent pure 18-carat
gold World Cup trophy in their Berlin or Munich cabinet. They just
hugged and kissed it goodbye in Rio as FIFA ofcials took of with it
for safekeeping. The Germans merely get to keep a gold-plated and
dusted down replica of the real thing. Hehehehe! Reason? Its not
just in Kenya where we even steal chicken, mayoral chains and cash-
in-transit. The ten million-dollar artifact has actually been stolen
and recovered twice before. Talk about fools gold.
If Kate Middleton could be pregnant every time some
tabloid claimed she was, then she would have been the
proud mother of her very own soccer team, complete with
substitutes! And knowing the royalty-crazed British media
and fashion houses, this would be a bigger talking point
than their dour London weather or lackluster performance
in Rio. Get a life folks, and give the poor woman some
privacy so she can outgrow her maiden name and become
the Duchess of Cambridge.
Did you know that all World Cup winners since 1974 have their
countrys name etched at the base of the trophy? After Germany
joins the titans, there remains room for only three more names. Can
we expect any of the Harambee Stars chaps who were shipped of
to Brazil, complete with presidential blessings, to physically see how
the job gets done to give Kenya a wild shot at that trophy? There
will be no scribbling space left after the 100th anniversary of the
tournament at the 2030 World Cup. Get cracking before taxpayers
who remained behind to watch it on TV demand a refund of the air
ticket money, accommodation and allowances. Cmon, a guy can
dream, cant he?
Why is it galling critics that the English have chosen to
allow women to become bishops? What is so wrong since
no one has had a problem with Queen Elizabeth being the
sovereign leader of the Church of England all this time? As it
is, it has taken the Anglicans more than 20 years discussion
since they started ordaining women as priests. And such
a minor change to reect modern realities, the rightful
and pivotal place of women in society in a 500-year-old
institution will benet its 80 million-plus members. Who
are we to judge?
And, my last word on World Cup 2014...
I dont know what tribe Mr Luiz Felipe Scolari belongs to but the
recently sacked Brazil national coach must be haapy there were no
crowds chanting Scolari Must Go, or we storm State House Rio!
In fact, it is a pity there have been no elders from his community
demanding that his exploits of 2002 be recognised and be enraged
that Confederation of Brazil Football is targeting Scolaris tribe.
Kwani who does not know that it was the chants of Saba Saba that
disoriented Scolaris players that they heard strange bells ringing in
their ears until they literally opped on the eld suspiciously nemed
as Belo Horizonte? You shall be hearing from Mr Scolaris lawyers
before close of business today.
They know we are lying our
heads off but who cares? We
know they fake orgasms and lie
for us too: Handsome, you are
as strong as you were 18 years
ago... (Thanks girls.)
WRAP MEAT
Curiously, Maendeleo ya Wa-
nawake didnt bother to issue a
strong statement condemning
Njoki Chege and her pesky col-
umn.
But my moles buried deep
within the National Intelligence
Service whisper that State Com-
munications Unit was itching
to issue a statement on the saga
but could not because someone
used their copy of the newspaper
bearing Njokis column to wrap
meat.
I am, however, reliably in-
formed that investigations have
been launched and that Informa-
tion, Technology and Communi-
cation Cabinet Secretary, Dr Fred
Matiangi, will address the media
once the meat wrapper is fin-
gered and brought to book.
Yours Truly
B
y the time of going
to press, a young lass
called Njoki Chege
was suddenly better
known than Deputy Inspector
General of Police Grace Kaindi.
For one week, women have
discussed nothing else but Njoki
Chege: Not the thrill of women
finally getting the chance to be
elected bishop in the Anglican
Church; Not Margaret Kenyattas
Beyond Zero campaign aimed at
helping mothers and children
survive and thrive; not the high
cost of living; not even the lead-
ership changes at Maendeleo ya
Wanawake.
Heck, they even forgot men
are pigs. You see, young Njoki had
the audacity to insult women by
calling them fat, demonstrating
that she knows absolutely noth-
ing about her own species.
If she had consulted the real
stakeholders, who are men, we
would have informed her that
when a woman inquires whether
her, er, pot is getting smaller, we
ask, Which pot, honey-pie?
would never catch him flaunt-
ing his wealth, or hear that his
kids were drunk and disorderly
in some pub, flashing quid and
racing around in expensive cars
in the wee hours of the morning.
Imagine when he was hospital-
ised in 2003, an aide was photo-
graphed walking to his hospital
room carrying a Bata shoe box!
What a simple, frugal man!
So it was fitting that a man this
illustrious be sent home in style,
and that we did in 2013.
The army didnt disappoint.
They threw a mean bash where
the old man had to inspect a
military parade, something that
seemed to bore him stiff.
After the festivities, they gave
him a Massey Fergusson plough
tractor, a ceremonial military uni-
form, memorabilia of events he
has graced in form of pictures and
four fat pregnant Friesian cows
with massive udders.
The National Oil Corporation
of Kenya flung him a brand new
petrol station, Tanzania threw
in a small road, the government
helped with a small office and a
modest house in Mweiga, just in
case the old man didnt feel like
going back to gichagi in Othaya.
RETIREMENT PACKAGE
Rumour, however, has it that
Mzee Kibaki has not set foot in
the village, which means he is
probably shooting the breeze
in Muthaiga with old friends.
Now, unlike those who have been
complaining that we gave the
Mzee too huge a retirement pack-
age, my only concern as an ani-
mal rights activists is for the four
pregnant Friesian cows.
Frankly, the city is no place
for cows to raise children. Could
the mutongoria kindly consid-
er handing them over to me for,
uh, safe keeping at my Mumias
home?
Maybe he could also throw
in the Massey Fergusson tractor
as well as any gifts Kenya Wine
Agencies Ltd (KWAL) may have
mistakenly sent to the retired
golfer and, er, sipper.
Page 6 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
politicallyincorrect/ A skewed look at the political scene
Y
ou cannot, the old
people love saying,
amount to much
if you are not or-
ganised. Todays
young people especially our
digital politicians and their lap-
top-carrying, tablet-toting aco-
lytes and social media warriors
would do well to remember this
little aphorism. Organisation, it
turns out, is everything.
There will have been no better
illustration of the state of African
organisation, than the debacle
of African teams at the football
World Cup; that overrated, over-
priced football spectacle that
brings the entire earth to a stand-
still.
ONE GOAL
The World Cup is like a United
Nations gathering: nations from
all over the earth, each proud
to have qualified for the finals,
speaking a cacophony of languag-
es, ostensibly united on one goal
to play football but in actual
fact having all manner of different
objectives, from sex to spying.
No African country, save for
the European outpost that is
South Africa, can organise and
host a World Cup tournament.
African countries lack the money
and the infrastructure but, even
if they had these, we simply do
not have the organisational acu-
men required to run an event of
that magnitude and not make a
complete mess of it.
Some football wags even con-
tend that the state of a countrys
management can accurately be
judged simply by looking at the
state of its sports management
bodies, and its sports stadia. A
quick look at Kenya bears this
point out we have exactly one
decent sports stadium, with an-
other slowly crumbling away.
The two stadia are poorly
managed, and are occasionally
turned into either a refugee camp
for alleged aliens, or into military
parade grounds on national days.
Both were built by the Chinese,
on grants, and we have never de-
veloped the capacity to repair or
even just maintain them.
The organisations that run
them are corrupt, tribal edifices
dominated by one or other king-
pin, and notions of transparent
elections and actual service to
the sport are not allowed to get
It probably should not
take a foreign trip for our
security services to up their
game. The attacks that have
been going on non-stop in
Lamu and surrounding areas
have gone beyond surprise
and are rapidly approaching
absurdity. How can the same
thugs attack the same place
for weeks on end without the
security services putting
a stop to it? What on
Earth are the police
reinforcements doing
in the area if they cannot
stop these attacks?
Even the attackers are
beginning get tired of killing:
in a recent raid, they just
harvested maize from local
plantations and strolled away
with it. The cheek of it!
in the way of the gravy train. But
perhaps the best demonstration
of the state of African countries
was the chaotic manner in which
our teams bowed out of the tour-
nament.
BAD GOVERNMENT
Cameroon are said to have
thrown all their matches: an
Asian bookmaker predicted all
the goals that Cameroon would
concede, and which players
would be sent off, weeks before
the matches were played. Nige-
ria, ever a byword for chaos and
corruption and perhaps the one
country that best represents the
stasis and unfulfilled potential of
Africa, did not fail to disappoint.
abundant energy
Handed a totally winnable
path through the World Cup fi-
nals, the Nigerians somehow
managed to snatch defeat from
the jaws of victory, their playing
style characterised by abundant
energy but very little evidence of
thought or planning. Ghana have
always flattered to deceive.
Long branded the best-run
African country, with relatively
modest corruption and little in
the way of bad government even
their elections are quite clean
they looked like going furthest in
the tournament, only to be felled
by that perennial African weak-
ness: individualism and greed.
Ghanas players, brimming
with talent and with a real chance
of coming out tops, decided
money was more important than
football. One of them slapped his
coach, and when the manage-
ment sought to punish him, the
others mutinied. Ghanas govern-
ment had to fly cash to the play-
ers - $ 3 million so the spoiled
multi-millionaires could agree to
play! Africa at the World Cup was
just like Africa at home: greedy,
corrupt, chaotic and a complete
failure.
MCAs have set ball rolling; other
leaders too need study tours
Why African teams performed
badly at World Cup, lessons learnt
p
u
n
c
h
l
i
n
e
S
ome sour souls seek
solace in the most sa-
lacious of accusations.
Unable to get their hold
on the money that has
been poured all over our governors
to develop their counties, some of
our MPs and senators have jeal-
ously demanded that the coun-
ties stop going on their now-fa-
mous trips overseas.
They appear to have a point
at first glance: in one strange
case, a Member of County As-
sembly (MCA) who admitted
to not speaking a word of English
was sent off on a tour of Italys cultur-
al hotspots. Presumably, the Italians
speak Swahili.
But the example has been set much
higher up: our national football team,
Harambee Stars, are perennial under-
achievers. They struggle to beat even
poor old Somalia, and qualifying for
any serious continental or global tour-
nament is definitely out of question for
them.
VALUABLE LESSONS
President Uhuru, clearly an exas-
perated football fan, sent our misfiring
footballers to Brazil to go see how se-
rious football teams do their business.
Presumably, they have absorbed valu-
able lessons in the fine art of winning
football matches for the time that they
have been spending our money at the
Mundial, and we expect an immediate
improvement in results when they get
back to playing football again.
One hopes, though, that none of
them chose to claim asylum in Brazil,
a not-uncommon habit among Afri-
can footballers who go abroad to bet-
ter-run, richer places. As was report-
ed to have happened with a bunch of
Ghanians after the World Cup.
And so on to the governors. If foot-
ballers can step their game up quite
literally by watching other teams
play, imagine how much more our
MCAs, governors and other politicians
can improve their performance by vis-
iting places that are actually run prop-
erly, which look like countries should
look like.
Places where rubbish is collected,
there is permanent electricity and run-
ning water actually gushes out of the
taps. And life is not just one political
rally after the other. Come to think of
it, maybe the president and his Cabi-
net also need a trip overseas!
/ Page 7 CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
P
assengers aboard a matatu in
Nyeri were treated to a tick-
ling spectacle when the driver
stopped the vehicle to engage in a
fistfight with his tout, after a heat-
ed argument over cash.
The two had been locked in a heated ex-
change of insults over Sh30, which the driver re-
portedly owed the tout, and had refused to pay
up, calling the tout a poor mathematician, as the
vehicle left the stage.
Witnesses claimed the tout had coaxed pas-
sengers into the Karatina-bound vehicle and ex-
pected to be paid Sh50 for the task yet the driv-
er only paid him Sh20 with a promise to pay the
balance later in the day.
The tout, however, reportedly insisted that
the driver pay him the balance before leaving the
stage, leading to a heated argument that left pas-
sengers in stitches.
And in a rather flagrant portrayal of who the
boss was, the driver arrogantly swaggered into
the matatu and started the engine, ready to ferry
the passengers to Karatina before paying the tout
his full dues.
This angered the tout, who squeezed himself
into the overloaded vehicle and kept nagging the
driver to pay him. Shockingly, the driver gave
him a deaf ear and manoeuvred the vehicle out
of the stage, and eventually stepped on the gas
Angry driver stops matatu to
ght nagging tout over Sh30
ofthewall/Bizarre , weird but true tales
Y B MURIMI MWANGI
pedal en route to Karatina once the matatu hit
the tarmac.
Kai ureciria ndiaga Mahiga mundu? Hee
mbeca ciakwa mani (Do you think I survive on
stones. Give me my money, dude!) snarled the
tout, to the tone-deaf driver who was trying to
ignore him.
The passengers exhorted the driver to pay the
tout his dues, but the driver would hear none of
it, calling his ranting and raving noise.
You are just making noise. You can continue
wasting your time, yelled the driver.
PERSISTENCE PAYS
This angered the hapless tout, forcing him to
return the favour by insulting the driver using
epithets that left the passengers cupping their
mouths in shock and embarrassment.
F*&@ you...%#!$ You have the audacity to
brag about somebody elses vehicle, yet you
dont even own a bicycle. Give me my mon-
ey, you fool! barked the tout, igniting a merry
laughter in the parked vehicle.
The driver warned the tout to desist, but the
latter was just getting started. The tout kept in-
sisting that the driver should first hand him his
dues. When the insults persisted, the driver, an-
gry that he had been insulted in the presence of
his customers, parked the vehicle by the road-
side, strolled to the passenger door and dragged
the tout out by the collar.
He was shocked when the tout insisted that
he would have to hand him the Sh30 and add
something for the travel back to Nyeri terminus
where I operate from before they could nego-
tiate anything.
SCUFFLE ENSUED
The driver unsuccessfully tried to lock the
passenger door and abandon the tout by the
roadside, but the latter would not let him.
A scuffle ensued with the two going ham-
mer-and-tongs at each other. The two fought for
some time, with most of the passengers cheer-
ing them on.
However, an old man who was probably
afraid he would be late for some appointment
offered the tout Sh50 and warned the driver not
to joke with peoples money in future, before the
journey proceeded.
Page 8 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard / Page 9 Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
thisstrangeworld thisstrangeworld
Divided we stand
seems to be the motto
some Kenyan families
live by. Husbands are
too busy for their wives,
pushing the latter to
their wits end, after
which they live and
behave like single
women or widows
within marriage, write
PETER ODUOR and
TONY MALESI
Strange tale of married single mothers
T
here is a growing trend
of extremely busy
husbands who have
absolutely no time or
interest in bringing up
their children, leaving their wives to
do single parenting within the con-
structs of marriage.
Tales have been told of (busy?)
unavailable husbands who are
hardly home with their wives and
children. In some cases, the situa-
tion is necessitated by work. Take
for instance men who work in in-
dustries that involve frequent rede-
ployment.
We have all heard of pilots,
long-distance track drivers or mili-
tary men who stay away from their
homes for so long that upon their
return children hardly recognise
them; younger children even mis-
take them for visitors, and wives
miss them so much that they are
always tempted to throw parties to
welcome them back!
And just when they are still
catching up and making up for lost
time, the call of duty beckons again,
leaving wives to juggle the roles of
dad and mum. And this happens
again and again, rendering such
men nothing but absentee figure-
heads. Differently put, such families
are run by wives. The million dollar
question is, howdo such wives cope
with this situation, bearing in mind
the freedom they have?
PATIENCE BANKS
Of course, some Kenyan men
are faithful to their wives. How-
ever, that majority of Kenyan men
have mpango wa kando (and those
who dont are desperately search-
ing) is a no-brainer. Strange as it
may sound, some women with un-
available husbands wait until their
patience banks run bankrupt. And
among the many things they do to
kill boredom or to spice their dull
lives is having fun, which, among
other activities, includes cheating
on their husbands.
LIKE SINGLE MUMS
Most Kenyan husbands are un-
available, so much so that their
wives live like they are single mums
or widows. A case in point is the
US President Barack Obama. Mr
Obama (a Kenyan man?) seems to
be too busy for his wife, Michelle
Obama. So much that in a recent TV
interview, Michelle let her tongue
slip and referred to herself as a
busy single mother.
Of course she quickly corrected
herself and regretted the slip of
tongue. But then, we all know what
psychologists say about slips of
the tongue; they are windows into
our minds and clues to repressed
thoughts! That was before Obama
defended her in a separate inter-
view saying, But theres no doubt
that there have been times where
Michelle probably felt like a single
mum... when I was running for the
US Senate, when I was running for
president, there were times where I
wouldnt see her for a week and she
was still working and looking after
the girls...
Michelle Obama is not alone.
There are many Kenyan women
who feel like married single moth-
ers because either their husbands
have jobs that require them to trav-
el too much or to work during fam-
ily time or, for reasons known to
them, spend their family time with
other women.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Take the case of one such des-
perate housewife inNairobi who re-
quested anonymity. She complains
that her husband is hardly home
on time. I never see him, I cant re-
member the last time we sat down
with him and our children over a
meal. He comes home late, when I
and the kids are asleep, she says.
She adds that she is lucky to see
him because his clumsiness while
getting into the house always wakes
her up, but they hardly talk or en-
gage in matters conjugal.
She laments that she cant recall
last time her husband took her with
their two daughters out as a family.
I cant even remember when we
last went together to church, shop-
ping, or even out on a picnic. In
fact, a neighbour once asked
me if Im married and
when I answered her,
she wondered why she
has never seen my
husband, she re-
veals. Apparently,
her husband
leaves very ear-
ly in the morning and comes back
very late in the night, every day.
A week can go by without my
daughters seeing him, she adds.
The woman, who hails from the
Coast, likes cooking but unfortu-
nately her passion for the art of
cookery is slowly but surely fading
away because her man never eats
her meals. She cant recall the last
time he did. Apparently, he only
goes home to sleep.
IN OTHER MENS ARMS
In my house, love died long
time ago. In fact, yeye huja tu kwa
sababu ya giza na kulala (he only
comes home to sleep). I dont have
another man on the side but Im
considering that..., she giggles.
Most wives, due to frustra-
tions caused by unavailabili-
ty of their husbands, end up
in other mens arms. And
seeing as women are very
good at multitasking and
covering their tracks,
these affairs go on un-
noticed for decades.
That many mar-
ried women have
increasingly be-
come available for
social excursions
is no secret. It
has increasingly
become com-
monplace to see
married women
hanging out in
clubs till late,
and posing as
single women
ready to min-
gle. Reason?
Hu s b a n d s
are unavail-
able. And the
few available
ones are too
busy looking
for money or
chasing other
women.
Many mar-
ried women
who live like sin-
gle ladies, or single
mothers cite reasons such as emo-
tional and physical neglect, or
physical separation especially in
cases where the two live in differ-
ent towns, cities or countries due
to work commitments. Others
talk of revoking or slashing down
the mans privileges and rights
as a husband if he cant provide,
among many other odd reasons, as
we found out.
READILY AVAILABLE
Take the case of Jack Mbugua*,
a businessman at the Karen Exhi-
bition centre. For slightly over five
months, the 29-year-old was in a re-
lationship with a woman whom he
met at the Exhibition centre. She
was a good-looking and reasonable
woman. We did all the things that
lovers do. The parties, the drinks,
the outings, gifts, fights and all
that, says the businessman. In fact,
he says, it is the fights that made
him realise he had been going out
with a married woman.
That she was always read-
ily available surprised him. Never
did she even express fear of being
caught. Jackson explains that even
after he found out later that the
woman was actually married, she
reassured him and told him not to
worry about being caught because
her husband was too busy to notice
a thing.
She told Jack, among many other
things, that her husband was too
busy for her, there was no love in her
marriage, her husband never even
touched her and that they lived
like a brother and a sister.
This happens to be one of the
reasons given by wives in such mar-
riages. For this lady, the circum-
stances made her situation worse.
Her husband lived in a different
town. According to most women
interviewed for this report, some of
these men have drifted away from
their wives; others are just too bored
with their wives; others are bogged
down with looking for money so
much that they lack the stamina
and virility needed to satisfy their
wives. Yet others just dont have the
time for their wives.
He is never home. He cheated
on me, then I found out. Although
he apologised, and I forgave him,
the incident opened up my eyes; I
no longer just sit there like a fool
while he is having fun out there.
No need preserving yourself for a
man who is out running around,
says one who gave her name only as
Wanja.
PAY IN KIND
Wanja lives with her husband
but goes out on dates with other
men. She accepts drinks and is
game for outings whenever an op-
portunity arises. In fact, she has a
steady boyfriend whom she meets
at least once a week. Interestingly,
her husband has absolutely no clue.
No, he has no clue and will nev-
er know. But my boyfriend knows
that Im married, he does not care,
she adds. Her reason for doing this
is clear; if he has a side dish, then
she too can have one. Better still,
she feels entitled get everything a
single lady is entitled to.
Providing for the family is not
the issue for most of these men.
They provide basic necessities, pay
school fees, pay rent but are not
available; something some hot-
blooded wives cant stand. However,
there is another group that doesnt
provide and whose wives are on
their own. Yet most women believe
that men ought to provide and that
if for some reason the man cant
provide, then he forfeits the respect
and privileges that he is entitled to
as the man of the house.
If he is not providing and a lunch
offer comes, she will take it. When
the drinks come, she will take them.
When the ride home comes, she will
get into the car. When the tumble
in the sheets comes, she has no op-
tion. To keep the goodies coming,
she is only too willing to pay in kind,
as she knows there is no such thing
as free lunch out there.
Some unavailable husbands sus-
pect their wives cheat, but they are
either too busy (looking for money
or with other women) to investigate
or take action. However, some know
their philandering ways are well
known to their wives, thus they have
no moral authority to complain!
Page 10 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
T
he Holy Book
clearly states
there is nothing
hidden that wont
be revealed, and
there is nothing secret that
wont become known and
come to light.
But much as everyone who
attended Sunday school is sup-
posed to keep the verse at the
back of their minds, more and
more Kenyans, especially we
men, are proving that they for-
got the wise words a long time
ago.
You need to pick a copy of our
sister publication, The Nairobi-
an, and you will be surprised by
the number of women coming
out to tell the world about some
affair they had with this, that or
the other prominent man.
In one recent issue, one
woman sensationally claimed
she had an affair with a senior
State House aide and they al-
legedly sired a child together.
Naturally, the man in ques-
tion came out fighting, claiming
he is a target of extortion and
there is nothing he did with the
said woman apart from assisting
her as just another ordinary stu-
dent who could not afford to pay
her school fees.
I wont delve any deeper into
the matter because its not with-
in my powers to determine who
between the two is telling the
truth and who is being dishon-
est.
BLACK MAIL
Nonetheless, one thing I
have to remind all men is that
there are so many opportunis-
tic women on the prowl. They
are looking for men with means
to have an affair with, and later
blackmail.
But then, again, gentlemen,
when did you become so reck-
less to have unprotected sex
with suspicious women you
barely know? Please dont tell
me you dont know the price of a
packet of condoms.
For Christ sake, I dont know
where these types of men came
from. Even your average crimi-
nal knows that wearing a hood,
gloves and covering ones tracks
is one of the most important
things to think about before
committing a crime.
Surprisingly, most of these
men that these opportunistic
women are hauling to court
for child support are married,
therefore, I cant comprehend
how such a man would dare go
around sowing wild oats like a
village bull.
WRONG PLACE
See, a guy may deny sleeping
with whats-her-name again?
woman, but if he sired a love
child, I wonder how he would
tell his wife the baby was made.
Thing is, if you are married
and cant resist the allure of
women who throw themselves
at you, at least invest in that rub-
ber sheath. Unless you are ready
to be haunted by a Jezebel
One more thing, stop taking
those nauseating sex session
photographs. The sex and pho-
tos might be fun activities to do
in the heat of the moment but
remember one day the wrong
things you do today might soon-
er or later come back and bite
you in the wrong place.
feminist/WITH CHEGE MUIRURI
Please use protection, spare us the drama
chauvinist/WITH NIKKO TANUI
Its a bad gals world out there;
shes selsh, mean and tough
She does not want me
I started dating my girlfriend
in the second year of high school
and currently we are waiting to join
campus in September. But she is now
denying that we are in a relationship,
and claims she is single. She now
says she only wants to be my friend.
What can I do to get her in my box?
Nathan, Nairobi
There is no putting anyone in a
box, you are still young and have your
life ahead of you. Let her go and if she
is yours she will return. If not you will
nd someone else.
His snoring irritates me
I just moved in with my boyfriend,
we have been dating for a few months
now. I have had to learn the hard way
that he snores loudly, and as a result I
cannot sleep. I have tried everything to
sleep, but I am unable to get sufcient
rest and I thus wake up agitated and
unhappy. It is too much for me. Do you
think it is silly to dump him because he
snores loudly? Cathy, Nairobi
My dear no judgement here, we
all know what we can and cannot
live with. And if you cannot stand his
snoring, then you know what you need
to do.
Can I hit on my lecturer?
I am 19 and I am in love with my
university lecturer. He is everything
I have always wanted in a man. He is
tall, handsome and passionate about
his work. I cannot stop thinking about
him. Whenever I see him on campus
I get butteries in my stomach. I do
not know if he is married or seeing
someone or if he even likes me. But
he knows my name and greets me
when we meet on campus. I am really
stuck, it physically hurts loving a man
I cant have, and deciding what to do
is torturing me . Should I just try and
forget about him or try or make a
move on him? Joy, Nairobi
Its always best to avoid a
relationship with those who are
in authority over you like bosses,
teachers and even colleagues, as
it never ends well. In fact, you are
playing with re.
Friend problems
There is this guy who I have known
for over four months now, and I like
him a lot. We do everything a couple
does but he says he is not ready for a
relationship and so I should not fall for
him. However, he does not want to see
me hang out with any man, and has
major trust issues because of his ex. He
also says I can go ahead and look for a
boyfriend. Yet he wont let me go. What
do I do? Sue, Nakuru
Find someone who is sure they
want to date you. That man is playing
games.
Send Doctor Love your
relationship problems on:
fabulousfeminista@gmail.com
Dr cupid
I
am vain. I constantly
put myself first and
I will admit I do love
myself a lot. Yes, I am
very selfish!
The choice was quite sim-
ple, I could either be the good
girl; a pushover, a doormat and
someones personal free cheer-
ing squad. Or I could simply
be selfish and happy. It was not
really that hard of a decision to
make.
And for some reason when
a woman makes that kind of a
declaration, it makes people
very uncomfortable. Or you
get the how-could-you-say-
that-out-loud look, because we
women are supposed to be self-
less, to constantly sacrifice for
everyone around us and to put
all our dreams, opinions and
needs in the back burner, lest
they offend someone.
This while men are told to do
what they damn well please and
to go after every dream and de-
sire, and never care whose toes
they step on as long as they are
happy. We are taught to be self-
less: always think of others first;
pour a bucket of water on your
burning desires or needs and
dreams. Well, bugger that.
After all, who else is going to
have your best interests at heart?
Most women think being selfish
is bad. I bet you do, too. I used
to think so too but I have quickly
come to learn that the best thing
a woman can do for herself is to
be very selfish. In fact I think of
selfishness as a parallel form of
selflessness.
IMPOSSIBLE IDEOLOGIES
Take babies for example.
They are very selfish but also
very happy, and men are like ba-
bies, I want this now, I do not
like this and I do not care if you
like it, Give me that now.
Just watch men and how
they go about their everyday life
and you will quickly realise that
women have been handicapped
by impossible ideologies of self-
lessness.
Men seem to have it all with
being selfish and self-indulgent,
they know what they want and
are not afraid to voice their opin-
ions no matter how ridiculous.
Take the workplace for example
and we women are too docile,
nice and accommodating.
Look at Parliament for in-
stance, and the silence from the
women reps end is palpable.
I still cry over my vote, its
almost as if they went to Par-
liament to ensure they are
neither heard nor seen; just
working hard to be good girls.
Even in marriage or relation-
ships, women are the ones who
sacrifice everything.
Yet there is no gold medal
at the end of the tunnel for a
woman who buries her dreams
so that her husband can shine.
There is no gold-filled purse,
special happiness or reward for
a woman who chooses to stay
with a man who cheats on her or
who disrespects her.
So while good girls struggle
to fit into societys mode of the
angelic long-suffering woman,
in the end they get nothing but
years of regret for opportunities
lost and opinions not voiced.
And guess who rules the
world, holds all the top po-
sitions, and are living their
dreams? Bad girls.
TOUGH, ARROGANT
Yes, bad girls who are self-
ish, and at times described as
tough and arrogant. Girls who
are self-indulgent, narcissistic,
break all the rules and do what
they damn well please. They
never apologise for going after
what they want, always put their
needs first, and are quick to put
anyone who purports to stand
in their way in his/ her place.
Basically, they act like men!
/ Page 11 CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
ateachersdiary/WITH MWALIMU SOCRATES
bulletin/WITH FERDINAND MWONGELA
Where did sound bite-spitting politicians go?
M
ost Kenyans
must be miss-
ing the days of,
When you rattle
a snake..., There
comes a time..., Siasa mbaya...,
Id rather die than resign... and re-
lated phrases and such gems from
politicians always tickled us. After all
the hype about a new Constitution
and all the goodies that appertain to
what hacks call a new dispensation,
politics is fast becoming boring.
The Cabinet all of a sudden under-
stands this animal called collective re-
sponsibility. And lets be frank, noth-
ing is as harmful to a gossip-loving
public like a Cabinet that keeps mum.
It is certainly a difficult time to be a
political journalist. You can only write
so much about dialogue and refer-
endum before you start running out
of ideas as those anonymous highly
placed sources thin out.
It was more interesting in the times
when some disgruntled Cabinet min-
ister or a close aide would leak Cabi-
net minutes surreptitiously. The im-
age of a burly minister in a suit a size
bigger at the shoulders slinking away
from a meeting with a phone in hand
to leak some juicy bits comes to mind.
QUICK LUNCH
Now everyone hides behind the
phrase Cabinet decision, what does
this even mean? Today there is no
compulsion to listen to the One
oclock radio news bulletin, for what
are the chances that anyone is going
to be fired? Heck, even Prezzo firing
some underperforming hack is a te-
dious process hed rather not get en-
tangled in.
Gone are the days when official
drivers left immediate former minis-
ters stranded after they were kicked
out of government as they enjoyed a
quick lunch.
It is all good that a government
portrays a unified front, but the public
needs its fix of rumours and muck-rak-
ing politicians. It would certainly be
interesting to throw a few foxes into
the chicken house and see what hap-
pens. How the corporate-types would
hack it in a cut-throat race for airtime
and political mileage.
A Cabinet full of corporate types is
killing even pub talk.
No impromptu press conferences
or village harambees where you could
call out that other Cabinet colleague
you did not like.
Of course corporate types take this
thing called communication very seri-
ously and the chances of a few price-
less sound bites are fast becoming a
mirage.
That is of course unless it is about
the fast-changing numbers of terror-
ists and whether they were terrorists
at all. And even these are not memo-
rable.
SPICE UP
We want the ...if you rattle a
snake... or Id rather die than resign
kind of quotes. Gems that ring in your
head as you enjoy your ugali at sup-
per.
Something to spice up your day
as business reporters tell you about
an expanding middle-class while you
cant pay your bills.
Tunaomba serikali, #bringback-
ourpoliticians.
G
reetings from the
Meta meta frater-
nity. Sir, we have
keenly followed
the progress of
your task force in the press since
none of your members has set
foot at Meta meta to get our
views. Had you visited us, we
could have even organised for
a goat to be slaughtered at JJs
our popular local joint.
Please sir, receive our propos-
als which were arrived at under
the chair of our own Vasco Da
Gama during a session at J.Js.
Being aware of the likelihood
that none of your taskforce mem-
bers has children or grandchil-
dren in primary or secondary
public schools, we feel embold-
ened to share our views.
Those with kids in public sec-
ondary schools are likely to pa-
tronise premier institutions in
the league of Alliance and Kenya
High. We are not complaining
since we have learnt to cope with
the hypocrisy of Kenyans who ex-
tol the virtues of water while div-
ing and swimming in wine.
BEI YA JIONI UNIFORMS
Sir, school uniforms are a curse
to many a parents wallet. You may
be aware these items are bought
from specific shops as directed
in the schools admission letter.
What may have escaped your no-
tice since perhaps your wallet
never experiences drought is
that the uniforms are overpriced.
A Form One students blazer is
sold at a price equivalent to that
of a Jacket from the exclusive city
centre shops specialising in Ital-
ian wear. By the time a parent is
through with the uniform and
assorted toiletries for boarding
schools, most pockets are torn.
The uniforms could have
been cheaper but for some con-
fidential understanding between
many school administrators and
shop owners. We thus propose
that uniforms be abolished or the
sector be liberalised. Let parents
buy cheaper uniforms even if it is
at Nairobis Gikomba market - bei
ya jioni offer.
WALKED BAREFOOT
After all, very few Kenyans
wear new clothes. As you read our
proposals, the person sitting next
to you may be donning a mtumba
item. The fixation with the colour
of shoes and socks should also
be discarded. Many of your age
mates probably walked barefoot
to school. That did not prevent
them from chewing books up to
university.
And the knotty matter of ties?
Most of our graduates may nev-
er wear a tie after school. That
is, unless one comes from a clan
which deems it indecent to send
off a dead relative without a tie.
Alternatively sir, uniforms for
all public schools can be stitched
by the NYS. This would kill two
birds with a single stone: provid-
ing youth employment and get-
ting them off killer alcohol brands
and chewing muguka throughout
boarding facility. The poor who
cant afford fees in boarding
schools have a right to quality day
schools if we are serious about
access to education.
The Education Cabinet Sec-
retary and KNEC may be loath to
let go of this opportunity which
allows them to address the whole
Nation. But sir, of what value is
the exam ranking when every
Kenyan suspects that the KNEC
firewall is as porous as the Ken-
ya-Somalia border and that exam
papers leak like a spoilt tap?
the day.
Ranking of schools in nation-
al exams should be stopped. Be-
ing the dream of every school to
appear on national TV as having
topped the charts, the pressure
is passed on to parents who have
to pay money for all types of dis-
trict exams, teacher motivation,
revision material, reams of pho-
tocopying paper and ad nauseum.
CANT AFFORD
We should also stop convert-
ing every good day school into a
Radical changes proposed
by the Meta Meta fraternity
Page 12 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
wemen/WITH TONY MASIKONDE
T
hank Goodness it
is over, the World
Cup. This calls for
joy, ululations and
celebrations from a
majority of Kenyan women who
feel zilch about 22 grown-ups
chasing a piece of leather in-
flated with air.
With the end of the World Cup,
mens relationship with the TV re-
mote control is also over. As the
Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff
handed over the trophy to Germa-
ny Captain Phillip Lahm, scores
of men in living rooms across the
world were preparing to hand over
the TV remote to their women.
The president was quite dis-
pleased that she was not handing
over the trophy to a fellow Brazil-
ian. As soon as Fifa President Sepp
Blatter handed her the trophy to
present to the eventual winners,
she quickly offloaded it, without
even bothering to show her teeth,
as if it was burning her fingers. It
has been the same case for the
men. They no longer have unlim-
ited access to the TV remote and
normal programming in most
homes has since resumed.
My pal Mark tells me that his
madam, despite having an early
morning the following day, waited
for the final match, and the tro-
phy presentation to confirm that
indeed the damn tournament is
over.
You should have seen the hor-
ror in her face when I told her that
there would be another World Cup
in December, joked Mark. She
looked like the devil incarnate.
But I dont remember hearing
this in the media? she had pro-
tested.
My dear, it has been advertised
on social media. Its the digital way
of doing things, Mark had teased
her as she struggled with the pros-
pects of missing her favourite soap
operas and fashion programmes.
FAVOURITE SOAP
How long will it be? the mad-
am had asked, conceding defeat.
This one will be three months,
Mark lied.
Three damn weeks? she
shrieked.
Yes, baby. They will even have
women football, so you may actu-
ally get something that you can en-
joy, Mark had reassured her. But
apparently she was not even aware
that women play football.
But there are more reasons as
to why women hate football. Your
favourite soap has been kicked
out of its sacred God-given slot
and banished to some ridiculous
hour of the night, just because of
a stupid soccer match. Grrrr. Then
there is that belief that watching
football lowers mens IQ by about
100 points - and these are points
they can ill afford to lose.
Football nal whistle is blown
its time to hand over TV remote
There is abundant evidence for
this phenomenon. For example,
during a match, men will scream at
the TV screen: Cross it, Messi, you
muppet! Yet Messi cannot hear
them!
Often Messi is not even in the
same country. And even if he could
hear, why would one of the high-
est-earning footballers in the world
pay the slightest bit of attention to a
pizza-munching sofa tactician?
FINANCIAL DRAIN
There is the financial drain as
well. Most Premier League football
clubs change the design of their
strips about every year.
You wont get much change out
of about Sh5,000 for a shirt alone.
Each time your sons team brings
out a new strip, he wants one. You
cant really afford it but you con-
vince yourself if you dont buy it, his
friends will ostracise him, he may
become withdrawn, his education
will suffer and ultimately he will
end up an unemployable introvert
with a weight problem.
If that is not enough, profes-
sional football players appear to
think spitting is big and clever. Its
not, its disgusting. Its even worse
when the spittle dribbles down the
shirt - someone has to wash that.
As for that thing they do when they
close one nostril and blow out the
contents of the other...yeuch. Yuck!
Campusrover/WITH BILL ODUNGA
We demand varsities return comrades freedom
I
f you are on
Twitter, then
surely you must
know Cyprian
Nyakundi. It is
hard to not to know him
with his viral trends and
disciples adding up to
220,000 in number.
He caught my atten-
tion some time back when
he was expelled from his
university somewhere in
Meru County, following
his adamant assault on the
alleged miscreants manag-
ing the university.
KICKED OUT
Thankfully, he got a
scholarship to study Polit-
ical Science in the United
States. Lucky guy, that?
But he did not leave. He
stuck around to fight for
the rights of his comrades
at the university. Now, that
is patriotism if you ask me.
Early this month, stu-
dents from his university
went on a 30-minute ram-
page against the very same
alleged rot Nyakundi was
expelled for pointing out.
Only that this time, they
left five vehicles burnt and
a few others in varying
states of disrepair.
Well, three students
were arrested. The chair-
person of the students
council, the secretary gen-
eral and one commoner.
When you think of it, it
sort of reminds you of The
Hague proceedings where
the President, Deputy
President and a radio pre-
senter are facing trials.
But I digress.
Now, lets just be honest
with each other here. Stu-
dents went on strike and
destroyed property worth
slightly over 3 million ac-
cording to the authorities.
Was it right? Well, let us not
go into the merits of the
matter, as it is in court.
For the longest time,
University students have
been agitating for better
healthcare, against sex-
ual harassment by rogue
lecturers, insecurity and
mishandling of university
affairs to say the least.
Whenever someone
speaks up, they are ex-
pelled or suspended indef-
initely. Efforts to dialogue
with the university has
borne as much fruit as a
farmer in Kalahari Des-
ert would. If a student so
much as tweets or posts an
update on their Facebook
walls concerning such in-
justices, they are expelled.
COME BABA, COME!
Those throwing stones
from the comfort of their
glass houses, condemning
them for rioting unneces-
sarily, tell me. What is one
left to do?
Even Unye invited Baba
for tea; at the very least,
he was ready to listen. But
most local universities will
not listen. Things are fine
according to vice chancel-
lors and university man-
agements.
This is the sad state of
affairs that we call Kenya
Yetu Today. This is what
happens when we simply
accept and move on. For, if
you talk, you are arrested.
Put on your thinking caps.
/ Page 13 Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
Page 14 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
Picturespeak Unwanted guest: Old boy my foot! Get lost!
This man, known as Kadir
Banda, an alleged old boy of
St Patricks High School, got
more than he bargained for.
All he wanted was attention
as he desperately attempted
to outdo everyone else in
showing how passionate he
was about a deceased teach-
er, Norman Thomson, during
his memorial at the school
last weekend in Iten town.
Mr Banda found himself in
an awkward situation after
he was forcibly evicted from
the function for being a nui-
sance. [PHOTO: PETER OCHIENG/
STANDARD]
ugandanafairs/GRACE NAKATO
Debunking wrong perceptions
about us - boda boda pilots
Y
es, Nakato is still away and
I want to clean up our bad
public image. Many of you
believe that we (boda boda
men) all ride under the in-
fluence of banned substances and are
crooks who cannot be trusted.
This is especially so for those who have
visited Ugandas Mulago Hospital and
seen the number of boda boda accident
victims who are admitted there.
First, I doubt you can safely ride under
the influence in this day and age when
everyone is an aspiring actor in an action
movie. And this reminds me of an expe-
rience. I once carried a female passenger
and we were manoeuvring through traffic,
riding downhill towards the intersection
after Makerere University on our way to
one of the Kampala beerbelts, Wandegya.
Suddenly, out of nowhere a truck ap-
peared. My female customer screamed
and jumped off the motorbike and landed
in the path of oncoming traffic.
Had I been drunk, I would not have
managed to keep my head and swerved to
avoid the truck, while balancing from the
jolt due to the sudden loss of extra passen-
ger weight.
VANISHING CUSTOMERS
I could not stop as police would have
arrested me for careless driving, and a
lynch mob would surely have beaten me
and stolen my boda boda. I was not to
blame and she should have trusted that I
also value my life.
You have to be alert in a business that
entails carrying strangers from place to
place, and a good knowledge of the city
and its environs is paramount for success.
A guy hops on my bike and we negoti-
ate the fee Sh100 to take him home.
He asks me to give the person who has
escorted him Sh400 and promises to pay
this together with the fare.
As we approached his purported
home, he suddenly jumps off the bike and
attempts to vanish into the surrounding
bushes.
MASSIVE ACHES
Being a big fun of action movies and
having mastered a few tricks, I immedi-
ately gave chase on my bike as I shout-
ed at the top of my voice, in the process
causing a commotion.
Upon apprehending him, I gave him a
number of resounding slaps and emptied
his pockets. He, of course, reported it as a
robbery but I call it karma.
In regard to the perception that most
of us drink a lot, smoke bhang, shisha and
many other banned stuff, I have the fol-
lowing to say. Drinking and smoking are
not my thing. When the second bottle of
beer reaches my legs, the blood solidifies
and they become like cement blocks.
It is very hard to walk in this state. As
for smoking, I do not like the taste of ciga-
rettes and shall never try this thing called
shisha. I had heard that it is very sweet,
and smells nice.
The last time I tried that thing called
shisha, my last memory was that the world
became quieter and more colourful.
REPEATEDLY SLAPPED
I woke up fully clothed in my bed, with
my shoes on, and suffering from massive
aches and pains in every part. I also felt like
my face had been repeatedly slapped.
When it happened to me, my door was
wide open, and the neighbours probably
thought I was just enjoying fresh air as it
was 10am. I was glad that I had not been
robbed and I was too embarrassed to ask
what happened?
Who, in their right mind, would want
to get hooked on a substance that makes
them get into bed with their dirty shoes?
And only wake up to realise they didnt
close their door at night?
Folks, give us boda boda pilots a break!
/ Page 15 CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
fortheloveofthegame/WITH ANIL BAKARI
Footballers are scoring ma-
chines. If you do not score a goal,
especially if you are a striker, you
fall out of favour with fans. But do
you know it reaches a time when
celebrating a goal does not make
any sense to a player.
This is the situation former Ar-
senal lethal striker Thierry Henry
finds himself in. Henry, who plays
for New York Red Bulls FC, no lon-
ger celebrates after scoring.
The 36-year-old scored in his
teams 4-1 win over Columbus in a
recent match and walked away as
if nothing had happened.
In fact, he appeared almost
annoyed that he had scored.
Thierry Henry has scored so
many goals in his career to date
that netting them nowadays just
doesnt seem to excite him any-
more, reports Metro Sports, a
British online news site.
In his English Premier League
football career, Henry scored 174
goals for Arsenal in his 254 ap-
pearances.
It is understandable; Henry
must act like a senior. At his age,
who wants to see him do a somer-
sault after netting a goal?
Thierry doesnt
get excited about
scoring anymore
T
he World Cup came
and went. And like
in bullfighting
matches, the best
carried the day.
Certainly, it was a month of ex-
hilarating action both in stadi-
ums around Brazil and at home,
where billions were following
the games on TV.
In stadiums, we saw big men
and women bawl like newborns
after their teams were bundled
out of the tournament. But it is
at home, especially here, where I
believe there was plenty of drama.
With the man taking over the TV
remotes, the silent wars that took
place in houses were as dramatic
as Brazils seven-nil loss to Ger-
many.
At the height of the games, a
female colleague came to the of-
fice in a foul mood. Reason? She
had missed her favourite soap
opera the previous night because
her husband was busy watching
Brazil lose to Netherlands, which
she considered a not-so-import-
ant match.
As the dust settles on the World
Cup, For the Love of the Game be-
lieves the tournament was full of
lessons for women.
Here are some of them.
CAN DO WITHOUT SOAP DRAMA
If soap operas were that im-
portant, then they should be
screened once after every four
field day at home with the World
Cup having ended, but For the
Love of the Game believes they
must have learned that soap op-
eras are not a matter of life and
death. They can do without them.
MAN IS HEAD OF THE HOUSE
years, like the World Cup. It is for
this reason that men take charge
of the TV remote control when the
World Cup or the African Cup of
Nations starts. You cannot com-
pare what is screened every day
with a once-in-four-years event.
Women must now be having a
Womens 7s rugby team needs support
Dear woman; what did you
learn from World Cup?
The names Keziah Achieng, Mary
Musieka, Linet Moraa and Dorcas Ocho-
li will certainly not ring any bell in your
mind. Perhaps this is because they
sound like those of the girl next door.
But these are some of the members
of the womens national sevens rugby
team, in whom we have placed lots of
hope, as they prepare to go to the IRB
2014/2015 World Sevens Series.
The women will square it out with
Japan, China, South Africa, Brazil, Fiji,
France and the Netherlands, among
others, in the qualifying stages. Well, the
rival countries are all big, if not the best
in the game across the globe.
If it were Shujaa, the mens equivalent
led by the likes of Humphrey Khayange
and Collins Injera, For the Love of the
Game would not put this special request
to you because the boys have experi-
ence.
But the girls need your prayers, very
heavy ones, if you know what I mean.
They have not been in such a tough
competition before, and thus need more
than experience come September 12
when the games begin.
Looking at the girls, they have the
zeal and skills to beat their opponents
and reach the apex of the games. In
fact, if we treat them nicely, they might
just steal the bragging rights from their
brothers at the world stage, and that is
what should happen if we are to develop
the game.
sportingsnapshots
Feminists have planted into
heads of some women the fallacy
that they are equal to their hus-
bands. What a joke!
The World Cup helped remind
some strong-headed women who
always harass their husbands and
subject them to watching soap
operas on daily basis that men are
in charge.
And they only let their wom-
en watch soaps daily because of
love. With most matches being
screened past 11pm, this meant
men stay at home to assert their
authority, especially on what was
to be watched on TV.
MENS FIRST LOVE
Men love football and they can
sacrifice everything else for the
sake of the beautiful game. That
is why they would stay until 3am
watching football and crawl to
bed later without minding about
things like morning glory.
LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT
The match between Brazil and
Germany offered the most im-
portant lesson to women. With
Brazil having relied on Neymar for
everything, they crumbled sev-
en-nil when he missed the game
because of injury.
So, dear women, shed off the
diva mentality and learn to fix
that tyre, bulb and be financially
independent. Your man, like Ney-
mar, will not always be there.
SIT IN: They went to Brazil to count sheep in seven winks. NGETA? The lengths rugby players go to! OH BABY: Mother Russia is ready for 2018 World Cup.
Page 16 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, July 21, 2014 / The Standard
brokenmirror
Hamza Babu serves and sips juicy gossip
in the breezy Coastal town of Mombasa
kahawatungu
Y
our one-stop gos-
sip shop has over
the years witnessed
happenings some
of which border on
the bizarre.
Recently, a local mchunga-
ji (pastor) was moistening his
throat after a lengthy battle with
the devil from the pulpit.
The shouting had made his
loud voice hoarse, so he ordered
for a concoction to mend his dis-
tended vocal cords and balance
the PH in his mouth.
I gave him a cup spiked with
cinnamon, chamomile and gin-
ger. He knocked back two cups
in quick succession, and began
testing his vocal cord as he nod-
ded his head as if to confirm the
effectiveness of the remedy.
However, unbeknown to him,
a self-proclaimed witchdoctor
was out searching for him over
an outstanding debt his wife
owed him. The witchdoctor is
only known as Madevu, perhaps
because of his long and scraggly
beard. A naughty patron with a
twisted sense of humour at the
cafe joked that Madevu must
have been a relative of the late Jo-
nas Savimbi. Unknown to most of
us, Madevu and the servant of the
lord were enemies by default.
DARK SPIRITS
The two served masters who
have been at loggerheads since
the beginning of time. Madevu
was a medicine man who insisted
on being addressed as a witchdoc-
tor and derived his powers from
dark spirits, whereas Mchungajis
job was guiding the masses to-
wards the light.
The two had never spoken a
word to each other. Locals were
satisfied that though there was
no love lost, harmony was ob-
served at all times. Madevu, who
had been searching for the pas-
tor all day long, eventually stum-
bled upon him at Kahawa Tungu,
where he was relaxing and sip-
Pastor forced to pay
wifes love portion
arrears to witchdoctor
ping coffee, after fixing his throat.
Interestingly, Madevu had
tagged along a bunch of hecklers
who did not want to miss the ac-
tion when the fireworks began to
fly. They soon filled up the place
and orders were streaming in left,
right and centre.
The two adversaries sized up
each other before Madevu ap-
proached the table where the
pastor was sitting, and politely re-
quested to see him outside to dis-
cuss business. Now, the man had
heard of sinners who wanted to
repent but never a self-confessed
enemy of the Lord ordering a ser-
vant of the Lord around.
SUMMONING LIGHTNING
Get behind me, thou Satan!
he declared in a loud voice. The
only business we can discuss will
be me banishing you to purgato-
ry, the pastor informed Madevu
in a way that was meant to em-
barrass him.
Madevu, with bloodshot eyes,
lifted a bony finger from beneath
the sleeves and shook it towards
heaven, as if summoning light-
ning or some other unseen pow-
er. The entire place fell silent. In
a very cool voice he announced,
The fee! I have come to col-
lect the fee. It must be paid! he
roared to the servant of the Lord.
I dont hire your type so how
can you collect a fee from me?
the pastor asked derisively.
Maybe you dont, but your
wife does. I am the force behind
your happy marriage and for
that I must get paid my dues. I
have been supplying your wife
with love potions and consul-
tancy services that hold your
marriage together! But she has
reneged on our payment agree-
ment, the witchdoctor hissed.
That is when the truth dawned
on the pastor that his wife had
been consulting a witchdoctor
to keep their marriage intact.The
pastor was shocked. Surprisingly,
the pastor declared his wife di-
vorced, yes, right there and then,
for associating with the enemy.
That woman must go! the pas-
tor swore, as he unceremoniously
left the cafe with egg all over his
face. The man of God had to pay
up to avoid further embarrass-
ment, leaving patrons in stitches.
Gland-to-gland combat turns awry as
illicit lovers get clamped into each other
D
rama unfolded outside
Kericho District Hospital
a week ago, after word
went round that two illicit
lovers had got stuck into
each other during an amorous congress,
and had been rushed to the hospital for a
separation of powers of sorts.
The shocking news attracted a huge
crowd of local residents who jammed the
hospital to witness the off-the-wall inci-
dent. So riotous was the crowd that the
management of the hospital had to call
cops from Kericho Police Station who
lobbed teargas cannisters to disperse the
curious onlookers.
When Crazy Monday crew visited the
hospital later on to file this report, the gate
was locked and the hospital administration
declined to speak to the press over the mat-
ter, terming it as sensitive.
MORNING GLORY
According to multiple sources, the un-
fortunate man who found his crucial tool-
box clamped is an employee of an interna-
tional road construction company working
on a major highway.
In the morning of the fateful day, the
two lovebirds who live in Kericho town,
allegedly got locked as they attempted
BY NIKKO TANUI
to have quick early morning act of the rod
commonly referred to as morning glory.
At the steamy love heights, the couple
realised they had been clamped together
and began groaning and writhing in pain,
as their screams attracted neighbours who
came to help, said a source at the estate.
He added that the driver of a Probox
rushed to the scene and ferried the two to
the hospital. However, the hospital admin-
istration sent them away, claiming they
didnt have capacity to separate the two.
The Good Samaritans who had rushed
them to the hospital were forced to rush
them to an undisclosed location.
One of the locals claimed the husband
of the two-timing woman had been tipped
off about his wifes philandering and had
consulted a witchdoctor who cast a spell on
her. Immediately word reached him that his
wife had been caught locked in gland-to-
gland combat with another man, the hus-
band declared he was only going to unlock
them after the honeycomb-thieving man
parts with Sh100,000.
All the cheaters in Kericho County have
been put on notice that they cant keep raid-
ing others jars for cookies and think they
can get away with it, warned one angry res-
ident.
JILTED IN LOVE
Elsewhere in the same county, a man in
his mid-30s allegedly committed suicide in-
side his lovers house in Chesinende market
in Kipkelion East constituency.
According to a local teacher who resides
at the trading centre, the deceased had been
jilted in love, and couldnt stomach the
heartache. His ex-lover, a single mother, had
not only broken his heart but also sent him
packing. She kicked him out and warned
him against ever setting foot at her house
where he regularly visited.
She left for the market where she runs a
small business.
The jilted lover forcefully gained entry
into her house only for her to return and find
him hanging from a rope in the house.