If you feel like this , it might be a good idea to read on……….

Humor for the stressed….

This is a free ebook . Please feel free to distribute as you please . So
here goes……..

Email Error
It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes
unintentionally, with serious consequences……..

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to
meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his
wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away
only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one
look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here…….

 The psychiatric hotline

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on
the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive.
Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the....
PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE

The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the

psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one
repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay
on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which
number to press.

If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one
will answer anyway…..

The secret of a perfect relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and
cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
 (7) An indecent proposal
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man
entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The
young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young
man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do,
no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse
and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young
man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said: "Clean my
house."
 A good salesman

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"

"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell
just one, then you have a job."

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one
for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample.
Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks
in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and
reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on
the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones’ and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers
convention -
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
 A crowded train

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for
an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed
middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You
Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using
that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip
down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are
you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed
it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the
soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you
Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at
holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the
road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b**ch out of the window."
 Virus warning
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it!
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything
on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and
uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts
and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest,
you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun
until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense
and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the
interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave

the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill
pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather

interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection...

 The lawyer and the blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to
NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay
me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you
$500!."

Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This
catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the
lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three
legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into
the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he
knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde
politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well,
so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep…….
 New drugs invented for women
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious
for up to two days.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed ! before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to
flip off other drivers.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and
credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their
life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level
as nagging him.
 Just how drunk are you ?

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk
you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions
below truthfully. Then determine your score based on
question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score
to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most
beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive;
(d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job
on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most
annoying job ever.

3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it

impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk
fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one
thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand
new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used
car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese
import.

5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible;

(b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the
average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values

For every question answered
For every question answered
For every question answered
score.
For every question answered
with an A, add ten points.
with a B, add five points.
with a C, do not change the
with a D, subtract five points.
 For every question answered with an E, add one hundred
points.
Results
For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over
and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to
select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this
test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for
alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many
beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is,
if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even
think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one
too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance
rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop
drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't
drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to
stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the
ability to stand up.
For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must
just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you.
In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car
and are walking to the bar this very moment

Expensive Barbie
A man walks into Toys-R-Us and says to the sales assistant, 'Could you show
me your Barbie dolls, please?' 'Certainly, sir,' she says. 'Here, we have Fashion
Barbie at £15.95, Vacation Barbie, also £15.95, Housewife Barbie - that's
£15.95 too - and Divorcee Barbie, at £215.95.' The man is astonished. 'Why's
Divorcee Barbie so much?' he asks. 'She looks the same as the others to me.'
'Well, sir,' says the assistant, 'that's because Divorcee Barbie comes complete
with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog...'
 Alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs

be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the
possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic
beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake

up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking
dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in

dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the

same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay

shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the

boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of

inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion

that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some
really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
 The commandments of marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and
lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,

the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The

trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,

economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is

why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is

finished..
 The folding bottle

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...

"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket……….."
 Drink fault-finding guide

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is

wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.
Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique
is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer

unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain
to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in
progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not
complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has
a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and
lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full
of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and
wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not
treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
 Bad pick-up lines
"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers."

"Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?"

"If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

"I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven."

"Do u sleep on your stomach ...........can I?"

"I know they say milk does a body good but damn, how much have u been
drinking?"

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together"

"HEY!!!! Wanna go half on a baby?"

"That dress looks great on you! It would look even better in a pile on my
bedroom floor!"

"Just wondering, what would you like for breakfast tomorrow morning?"

"If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!"

"Your father must have been a thief... he took the stars from the sky and put
them in your eyes."

"It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us."

"Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?"

"Baby, somebody better call Heaven , cuz they’re missing an angel!"

"Why don`t u come here sit on my lap and we will talk about the first thing that
pops up."

"Are you tired? Because you've been running around my mind all day."

"Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?"

"Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?"

 Surgical preferences

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them
up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open
them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them
up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them
asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and
their butts and brains are interchangeable".
 A very busy bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that
had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull
mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated
50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last
year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last
year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times
last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times
last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the
same cow."

Expensive perfume
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive
perfume.

She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly,
"Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very
expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says,
"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is
about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the
eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
 Reasons for allowing drinking at work

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be

allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able
to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a

hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what

management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you

don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to

work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be

quickly forgotten
 You should know you are about to be dumped
when……
10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall
proposing to her.

8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.

5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old
friend of mine..."

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first
and last names.

3. Your other girlfriend told you so.

2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue,
do you?"

Doctor’s diagnosis
After months of ill heath, a man goes to his doctor for a full check-up. The
doctor brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad
news. You're dying and you don't have much time left'. The man looks
 shocked. 'Oh that's terrible! How long have I got?' 'Ten' replies the doctor.
'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you
mean?' The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine... Eight...'
10 Signs that proves you are really drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the
Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that

you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through

bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up

Dinner with his wife

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife.

The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order.
 "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," the man says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

Mexican delicacy
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking

and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening
he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull
wins…….."
 "Chicken Little"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then
asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A
talking chicken!'"

Hope you’re feeling better now !

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