But isnt attraction based on looks?

Surely people just look at each other and are either attracted or
theyre not?
If we look back over past time periods and you will see what is perceived as attractive has changed
dramatically even over just the last 50 years from stick thin to voluptuous from lean to muscular!
"he fact is what is seen as attractive physically depends on current trends and varies far to often to
be a key trigger in finding someone to have a relationship with!
"hroughout nature most lessons are learned simply through immediate cause and effect! #ets say
a child encounters fire for the first time! $e is entranced by the warmth and the pretty flame and
reaches out to touch it! $e immediately scalds his hand and yanks it back and a valuable lesson is
learned% dont touch fire it hurts! &elationships are more complicated because of the common
desire not to hurt another persons feelings or to make a scene! 'ery often when someone does
something that we dont like we try to disguise our reaction especially with someone weve only
just met or if its not a big thing since they probably didnt mean anything by it and we feel more
comfortable just leaving things be! (nfortunately by doing this we are preventing them learning the
cause and effect lesson of their mistakes with other people so they dont learn and they dont
improve! Because of this people tend to repeat their mistakes with others over and over again! If
the child touched the fire and nothing happened but three hours later it caused him to suffer a
shooting pain in his leg he would be unlikely to link the two! In order to learn what were doing
wrong with other people we need to step back and consider the whole process not in terms of
simple cause and effect but
)ost relationships are formed passively% that is they arent sought out in the open world instead
two people meet through their peer group at work or some other social network and feel that
*spark of attraction as if by magic! +f course theres nothing wrong with this and its how the
majority of people meet their partners but it does leave things to chance and many people wait a
long time for something like this to happen! It is however not the only way to go about things!
Propinquity
SCIENCE WARNING!
,ropin-uity is the term used to describe a physical pro.imity special bond or some form of kinship between
things! ,sychology views this is one of the leading triggers in interpersonal or social attraction!
Propinquity was first theorized by psychologists Leon Festinger, Stanley Schachter, Kurt Lewin and Kurt
Bach in what came to be called as the Westgate Studies conducted !" uni#ersity in $%&'(
"his familiarity is part of a psychological effect known as propin-uity! It roughly translates to being
close to someone else in some form or another! "his could be in physical terms i!e! you live in the
same area as someone or not so physical you both belong to the same association! "he closer the
pro.imity the higher the propin-uity! /or e.ample those living on the
"he propin-uity effect is the tendency
for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often! In
other words relationships tend to be formed between those who have a high propin-uity!
,ropin-uity applies to social groups as well and this is how it directly relates to forming comfort
between people you are introduced to! "hese could consist of class mates
same floor in a building have a higher propin-uity than those on different floors! 0-ually people
tend to be more willing to accept potential partners if their style or looks are similar to their own
or match current social or media trends% their closeness appearance raises their propin-uity!
In this diagram we can see that 1 and B would both be attracted to 2 as 2 lies within both of 1 and
Bs circle! #ikewise 2 would be attracted to both 1 and B and would have the option of choosing
either! 3 is the outsider of the group and therefore holds the lowest levels of propin-uity and
therefore comfort to any of the other parties!
friendship social circles or even work colleagues and e.plains the tendency for teachers to date
teachers members of the police force to date each other and so on!
This kind of familiarity is often referred to as the 4)ere 0.posure 0ffect5 which is based on the
idea that the more e.posure something gets the more likeable it becomes! "he )ere 0.posure
effect is a tool well known by the advertising industry also known as 4brand awareness5! ,eople
begin to
SCIENCE WARNING!
!n $%&) *lan + Kerc,hoff conducted a study on residential propinquity, around -'. of the
married couples li#ed within /' bloc,s of their partner before marriage( "his seems ob#ious
when you thin, about it, but it0s not something people normally consider(
trust and like a product merely because they become familiar with it! So in relation to
attraction, psychology would argue that if someone perceives you as being part
of their social circle, or from the same neighborhood they will fnd you more
attractive. In reality what is happening is they are becoming more comfortable
with you, and will begin to trust your personality. Psychologists use the term
exposure principle to describe the phenomenon where the more often a
person is seen by someone the more attractive and intelligent that person
appears to be. Fear of outsiders is something that is inherent to us, and
something that can be seen documented well into our history as well as the
rest of the animal ingdom. Familiarity removes that initial fear and allows
someone to consider you more favorably, and begin to build comfort. !tudies
have been done into familiarity whereby exposing sub"ects to a specifc piece
of music or a picture or person even if only for a short while led those sub"ects
to rate it higher than others. #ne common way in which this manifests itself is
when people initially dislie a song, only to later fnd themselves humming it
after a few more exposures to it, and often eventually buying their own copy.
$owever being part of a social group or living in the same area isn6t the only way to build this
comfort you could generate propin-uity by simply being seen as social at a particular event even if
you didn6t know anyone! 1s long as you could build comfort with a few of them the effect would
begin to snowball making it easier to build comfort as you are seen to mingle with more and more
people!
"he problem with this however is that you would need to build comfort with the initial group in
order to start the whole process somehow and if you didn6t know a group of people initially this
could be difficult! "his is where other comfort building techni-ues are needed!
7ithout the advantage of a mutual introduction things start to get a little trickier but there are still
a great many things you can do! "he ne.t easiest is to look for people who already want to talk to
you and youd be surprised at how many there are! 1nyone who takes notice of you looks at you a
moment longer than usual or who smiles at you is essentially offering an open invitation to talk 8
they want to build comfort with you! 1ll you need do is just smile approach and begin the
conversation!
7ith a stranger who isnt showing you any immediate signs of attraction 8 who isnt already trying
to build comfort with you you will need to approach them and break the ice yourself! 7hat you
want to accomplish in doing this is to improve their situation somehow with your presence to add
value to them! Supposing theyre struggling with a map and clearly in need of directions this is a
great opportunity to help out but we often dont have such a fortunate situation! Still being a fun
and interesting encounter for them is more than enough to add value! 1 casual comment or
genuine complement about something theyre doing is often a good approach! /or e.ample if you
were to see someone you liked walking in the opposite direction down the street you could say
1ey !0m sorry to bother you, but if ! didn0t say hi to you !0d ,ic, myself all day( !t0s 2ust that you
rarely see someone in this city who actually has a friendly face, nice to meet you34
7ith the greeting out of the way youve engaged their interest and now you can take the
conversation further! 1lways remember that you should be someone who enhances their day in
some small way demonstrating some kind of positive value to them! "his doesnt have to be
daunting adding value can be as simple as providing interesting conversation!
Value
7hen speaking to anyone new one of the key facts to consider is whether you are going to add
value or take value from them! ,eople are subconsciously aware of many factors relating to their
interactions with others! 1 lot of people react negatively when approached by a homeless person in
the street often not even giving them time to speak! "his is because of a fear that they are likely to
take value from them not just by asking for money but also on a deeper level just by association! If
however someone somehow knew that homeless person were actually a secret agent working
undercover they would be fare more likely to stop and pay them attention! "his is due to the fact
that their perception of the homeless persons value has changed% suddenly they are offering more
to the interaction and giving you a cause to listen further!
"here are a number of ways to add value the easiest is to -uickly move the conversation onto an
interesting topic right after the initial introduction! If you get stuc for a topic,
remember how people love to tal about themselves$ Bear in mind that someones
aims ambitions and joys are more interesting for them to talk about than more mundane facts like
their day to day job or whether they have any brothers or sisters!
Ejecting 9 Interestingly another way to add value is by leaving the conversation temporarily!
7hen you meet someone for the first time there is a fear that you may hang around them and
interfere with the task at hand or whatever it is they are attempting to achieve! By leaving the
interaction soon after entering it you make it very clear you have no intention of hanging around
and 4draining5 value!
:ou can then re9initiate the conversation at a later time even if it is only a few seconds later! "he
act of leaving creates a great sense of comfort and then when you return you have already built up
familiarity from the first interaction again creating another sense of comfort! "he distance between
the interactions needs to be tailored to each situation independently! In a club for e.ample you
could probably leave a good ;0 minutes between the two interactions however in a coffee shop it
may pay to only leave a few moments in between them!
"his plays on the natural human tendency to accept what people around us accept but it re-uires a
lot of personal confidence to pull off right<
Investment is another way to build attraction! 7ith investment someones attraction to you grows
due to the time or effort they are investing in you!
"he simple fact that they are talking to you at all builds their investment in you on a small scale!
=etting someone to give up their seat or move up to make room for you to buy you a drink or to
give in any small way builds investment 8 we value the things we have to work towards and the
more someone does for you the more likely they are to be attracted to you!
By investment you are not looking to invest into them rather you are looking to get them to invest
into you! "he more we work to achieve something the more value it has to us! Imagine winning a
really e.pensive nice car in a raffle! "he value of that car to you is the financial value of the vehicle
in -uestion and perhaps some emotional gratification from having got lucky! >ow imagine
spending the ne.t ?0 years of your life saving up every spare penny to buy yourself the same car!
Suddenly it represents so much more% it now also represents every inch of blood and sweat you
spilt working towards it and the car is now worth considerably more to you than its simple
financial value!
"he lesson behind this story is that we give greater value to things we have to work towards
achieving! "his is why it is almost completely counter productive to attempt to buy your way into
someone6s life and why many people argue 42an I buy you a drink?5 is a bad way to open with
somebody! )eanwhile any time another person is spending their time effort or money on you they
are making an investment and essentially attempting to build comfort with you the effort the put
in to you raising your value in their eyes!
"here are a number of ways to get someone to invest time into you however the easiest way is via
conversation! 1 key point to note here is that they must be taking the time to invest effort into the
conversation and the more effort they put into the conversation the more they are investing and
therefore the more likely they are to want to receive something out of it! +ne great way to get
someone to put energy into a conversation is by a process called -ualification!
Qualification
@ualification is what takes place when one person attempts to prove themselves to another and
applying it to create attraction involves setting up a situation in which prospective partners try to
prove themselves to you! "his is usually achieved by asking leading -uestions and they find
themselves trying to convince you why you should be attracted to them! "his may sound a little
underhanded but this is a thing that most people do naturally without realiAing it! @ualification is
a common way for us to demonstrate our position in society by -uestioning others as to their
motives skills or abilities! "he person who is doing the -uestioning or testing is almost always in a
position of higher value and therefore has the attraction! "he person seeking to prove themselves
is trying to build comfort by seeking approval and therefore investing into the situation which
e.plains why many people find power attractive!
@ualification works both as a way to build attraction and as an indicator as to how well things are
going 8 the more they prove themselves to you the more they care about what you think of them!
"here are two kinds of -ualifying -uestions open9ended and closed! 1n open9ended -ualifying
-uestion doesnt come preloaded with e.pectations but is the sort of -uestion that helps you learn
about the other person its simply a -uestion about themselves! 3ont ask mundane -uestions that
theyre used to for e.ample 47hat do you do for a living?5 Instead ask about their hopes dreams
and aspiration ask them where they would like to be if they could be anywhere in the world right
now and ask them why! +ne great e.ample of an open9ended -ualifying -uestion isB
5Where is the most interesting place you ha#e e#er been65
"his is an e7cellent e7ample as it pre8supposes that the place they tal, about must be interesting,
therefore it requires a deeper le#el of thought than, 5tell me somewhere you ha#e been on
holiday5 9nce they answer you can further de#elop the qualification by as,ing them to tell you
why it was so interesting( By as,ing why you are enabling the con#ersation to continue to a
much deeper le#el, and really getting them to in#est in the interaction(
* closed qualifying question is one that is pre8loaded with a specific cause and effect( !n effect you
are loo,ing for a specific answer in order to ascertain their le#el of attraction or you: the more
comfort and attraction they feel for you, the more li,ely they are to answer correctly( * good
e7ample of a closed qualifying question with a pre8loaded statement is;
C:ou ,now ! only date people that can coo,( <o you coo,65
=o matter how they answer the question, by responding they ha#e accepted that they are open to
dating you( !f they go on to tell you how great a coo, they are then that is a fairly conclusi#e sign
that they are attracted to you( "hey might e#en offer to ma,e you dinner, in which case you0#e hit
the 2ac,pot3
ATTRACTIVE QUALITIES
______________________________________
"here are a number of inherently attractive personal -ualities and by engendering them within
yourself a large part of the work of attraction can be done before you even meet someone you wish
to build a relationship with! "he more of these -ualities a person possesses the more responsive
people are to them! Some of the most important -ualities areB
Confidence the belief that we are attractive
!eader"#ip the ability to influence others
Pre$"election being considered attractive by others
A%&ition having a promising future
E'cellence possessing valuable skills and e.perience
Social intelligence knowing the correct behavior for your setting
Confidence:
"his is a -uality of self assurance or certainty! +ur confidence is portrayed in everything we do
from the words we use in language to the way we walk stand and interact with others! +ne of the
highest -ualities of confidence is an understanding of self9value or more importantly a lack of
neediness! 7hen you seek validation from others you are portraying yourself as having low
confidence and this is usually seen as a rather unattractive -uality! #ook at yourself in interactions
with others are you asking their approval on the things you are doing or wearing? "hese are key
signs of a lack of confidence! +ne of the key factors in confidence is belief in your own abilities! "his
self9 confidence is based on the knowledge that because you have done something before that you
can do it again!
9ne of the best ways to get confident with members of the opposite se7 is to ta,e it in stages;
beginning by tal,ing to random people until you are comfortable or confident enough to do it
regularly( "hen continuing spea,ing to people, howe#er now getting confident staying in the
con#ersation for longer( Finally, you can mo#e onto the other stages in the formula trying each
one until each one becomes natural to you( 1a#ing the confidence to e7press your own #iews, and
opinions can be an incredibly attracti#e trait( "his is a ,ey way to demonstrate a lac, of need to
others around us( "his doesn>t mean that you should deliberately de#elop ideas that are contrary
to popular opinion 2ust to get noticed, howe#er ha#ing strong beliefs that you are openly willing
to discuss whilst maintaining your own ground can be a highly attracti#e quality(
2onfidence is often portrayed through body language! "here are two types of body language
voluntary and involuntary! 'oluntary language tends to be portrayed via movements and
positioning whereas involuntary body language tends to be conveyed through facial e.pressions!
Since they are controlled voluntarily most people find it easier to adjust the way they stand and
position yourselves first! 2onsidering a large portion of our conversation is done via body language
it is definitely something to consider! )any scientists believe that body language between the
human and ape species has a number of similarities! )ost notably is the importance of an erect
posture amongst dominant males!
"he leader of the group or ?alpha male0 will often wal, with his head erect displaying his full
posture and loo,ing at those around him( Whilst we may not all want to be considered alpha
males, there really is no replacement for confident body language such as li,e wal,ing with your
bac, straight, and ma,ing eye contact with others in the room( *dding a smile to this will almost
certainly get a few people in the room to return the gaze with a similar smile, and thus initiate
them attempting to build comfort with you(
Leadership
#eadership is a powerful -uality in handling social interactions! It is not necessary to lead
everybody around you nor to lead all the time! 7hat is important however is to have a good
understanding of how lead and to be able to do so when necessary!
!t is a common perception that in any gi#en situation there is an undisputed leader @ the general
of an army, the head teacher in a school or the director at wor,( !n purely social settings this
tends not to hold true: in fact one #iew is that in any gi#en situation there are a number of
leaders affecting things in different ways at any gi#en time, and this is especially true of social
situations(
Li,e other forms of leadership, social leadership co#ers the ability to influence, moti#ate and
enable others around us, only without the hierarchal structure or set responsibilities of a more
formal setting( Particularly in social leadership, subtlety is important to be genuinely leading
and not simply pushy or arrogant( Social leaders influence other people in a myriad of ways,
from organising parties, moti#ating others to begin dancing, or perhaps enabling the more shy
members of the group to 2oin in a con#ersation(
"he following traits are commonly associated with leadership;
?D Role (odeling leading by e.ample ED )pti%i"% followers pick up a leaders confidence in
what he does ;D Co$operation the ability to work with others FD Purpo"e possessing clear goals
5D C#ari"%atic in"piration the ability to inspire and encourage
)A Initiative; being proacti#e and able to ma,e decisions -A Empathy; understanding your
followers
"he more of these traits you display the more li,ely you are to be able to be seen as a leader(
"hese qualities can be de#eloped but gaining some may be harder wor, than others, especially if
you don>t see yourself as particularly optimistic or find it hard to ma,e decisions( *s with
confidence one of the best ways to de#elop this is to simply practice( "ry putting yourself in
situations where you will get the chance to de#elop leadership s,ills 8 something as simply as
organising a dinner party with a number of people and ,eeping it to schedule will help de#elop
some of the ,ey s,ills de#eloped abo#e(
re!se"ection
:ou are probably familiar with the concept of 4Geeping up with the Hones65 or the phrase C"he grass
is always greener on the other sideC! 7hat these both shed light on is the nature of value% how we
value things is largely based on how people around us value things% we often look to others for an
understanding of what has value! We want to ha#e what other people do( ,re9selection is the idea
that if you have people surrounding you that want you others will begin to want you which is why
people already in relationships tend to be considered more attractive or how a big piece of
publicity such as a "' appearance can completely turn around someones dating 4luck5!
"he process by which being seen as attracti#e by some ma,es you appear more attracti#e to
others is called BSocial "ransmission4, as your percei#ed #alue is transmitted between the people
around you( What this boils down to is that if you are loo,ing to meet members of the opposite
se7, your chances impro#e by ta,ing other members of the opposite se7 with you( "he social
transmission you gain from your group will help you gain pre8 selection with people outside your
group and ma,e you more attracti#e to any potential partner you encounter(
E#ce""ence
,ossessing skills and e.perience raises our value as a potential partner! 0very one of us has some
kind of skill that we e.cel at! If you dont know yours yet then look back on areas or e.periences in
the past where youve succeeded or done particularly well! 1s a species these skills are all additions
to the communal gene pool and help us find our place and worth within the social group! It is
important that you can demonstrate your skill without being bigheaded or arrogant! "he easiest
way to convey an area of e.cellence is to allude to its e.istence early on in the conversation and
then actively demonstrate it at a later date! It is important not to appear boastful if you are truly
good at your skill the performance will be more than ade-uate to demonstrate the skill! It is
much better to under promise and o#er deli#er, 2ust in case it goes wrong or you underwhelm
after tal,ing your s,ill up(
If you genuinely don6t have a skill that you believe is worthy of demonstrating then why not go out
and get one? )ost hobbies are great ways to build your social circle to keep yourself busy which
helps prevent you from looking needy and finally to display your e.cellence and to increase general
attractiveness!
Socia" Inte""i$ence
In any social situation there is a perceived correct manner of behavior and acting too far outside of
the boundaries will leave you segregated from the group and make it harder to integrate! /or
e.ample turning up to the @ueens house for dinner and shouting e.pletives may not be the best
way to behave meanwhile going to a rave and sitting -uietly in a corner making polite chit chat
isn6t the correct behaviour either! "he goal is not to blend into the crowd but to behave in a way
that ensures widespread social acceptance!
In displaying your attractive -ualities it is best to be seen as a kind of socialite moving from group
to group and mingling with everyone% although this seems daunting to the ine.perienced doing so
can make a massive difference in your ability to attract others! If you want to be truly attractive it is
highly recommended that you work on building as many attractive -ualities as possible and
integrate them into your life as you begin to understand how to truly attract others!
Weird question... you don't happen to know the best place to see the stars around here do you?
Where's the best place to party tonight?
Where can I get into trouble around here?
Excuse me, are the police very good runners in this town?
You've probably heard this a lot, but I still have to tell you
You can't be from around here. Your sense of style is amaing! are you from "ew Yor#?
$If you see a bored loo#ing girl%& You look like you'd rather be anywhere but here
'y friends are all tal#ing about sports, so I thought I'd come meet you since you are classy
and intelligent loo#ing. I hope that's not too weird
(lease tell my friend that putting #etchup on his mashed potatoes is gross.
Who would win in a fight between )hris *rown and *eyonc+?
What's the best pic#up line you've ever heard, because I want to meet you, and I'd li#e to use
that one.
$If you see a cute friendly loo#ing girl% I choose you Pikachu!
)ompliment
When opening with a compliment it's important not tocompliment a girl on something she hasn't
earned herself. Her natural beauty is unlikely to be something she worked for. Youshould instead comment
on something more obscure such asher sense of style or the way she walks. Howe!er the real
trick is to be specific about the compliment and e"plain why you feel this way
,I have to tell you, I really love the way you wal#. I #now this may sound strange, it's -ust so
rare to seea girl who actually manages to wal# in an elegant way nowadays. 'ost girls you
find have rolled shoulders, loo# a little shy and timid. I really li#e theway you move. ,
.unctional
These openers are designed to get a con!ersation startedin the simplest way possible by asking
normal #uestions aboutlocations or e!ents
$%o you know what this e!ent is about&$
$%o you know where the nearest 'tarbucks is&$
/pinion
These openers are one of the easiest to pull off as theyencourage the girl to take the weight of the
con!ersation after the open. They should always be based upon a real e!ent inyour life or something
you were (ust talking about. You shouldalways ha!e an opinion opener ready so you ha!e something
toopen with
$) was (ust talking to my two friends here.... Howdo you feel about girls who are large yet insist onwearing
tight and tiny clothes&$
0ituational
These openers are the easiest to do and can generatesome really impressi!e results. *ake a
statement aboutsomething you'!e obser!ed in the area to someone standingne"t to you then
continue the con!ersation from there.
$Wow can you belie!e they ha!e those paintingsthroughout the entire restaurant& They ha!e to be fake. What do
you think&$
1irect
)n this situation you're seeking to be as direct as possiblewithout gi!ing them the chance to get rid
of you. This can be a!ery high risk choice as when it does work it works incrediblywell+ if it doesn't
you find out really #uickly. %o this too oftenand you can end up committing social suicide.
$) (ust had to stop you and say you look reallyinteresting. ) don't ha!e too long to talk but had to say
hi. )'m . ,nd your name&$
2fter having created your own openers go out and try each one.3a#e note of the responses you
receive. Which one wor#ed the best? Which didn4t give you as positive of a result? 5owcould you
have improved it?/nce you feel comfortable opening try to hoo# sets for as longas possible. 3ry
not to let the conversation die or dry up. You#now you have reached the hoo# point when the girl is
actively participating in the conversation.
'y friends and I are heading to a club tomorrow night. )t-s supposed to be really good you and your
girls should come along. What-s the best way of staying in touch
"ight 6ame *egins7
.o out in set with your wing groups. The aim here is to practice building social proof and opening.
You areencouraged to go for number closes if you feel con/dent to do so. ,t the end of the night
record your progress and writed own what you did well what your sticking points were and how
you can impro!e for ne"t time.
2nxiety is defined by as a physiological state characteried bycognitive, somatic, emotional,
and behavioral components.3hese factors essentially ma#e up the feelings that weexperience as
fear, apprehension, and worry. 3he anxious feelings were created by an association between a past negative
experience and the current situation. 3hese associations are often false and not related through causality$the
idea that one situation directly affects another% but through correlation $one thing tends to affect another
over repeated attempts%
3he law of contagion is probably the best explanation as towhy approach anxiety happens. It it best
explained by the notion of getting 8bad luc#,or having a bad time everytime you go to a specific venue
3he anxiety, or fear, is maintained through a form operant conditioning. Essentially the feeling of
anxiety is reinforced every time you are in a similar situation. You then 8learn, to remove the
negative feeling of anxiety by not approaching
3hese connections of patterns are common throughout all the human societies across the
world. 3he human brain is adept at forming these patterns, though we do not have a
particularly good system for distinguishing between real and perceived connections.
3heoretically this is due to a simple survival tactic. If we notice rustling behind a bush it is
better for us to assume it is some form of threat and begin to prepare our bodies to defend
ourselves rather than ignore it and ris# beinge aten
/ur fear or anxiety response is actually designed to help us survive in a fight or flight
scenario. 9nfortunately these are not particularly beneficial when we are loo#ing for
something witty to say during a conversation with someone.
In short, we learn the fear through a number of negative experiences and then reinforce them
by not doing anything about it. 3he bodies natural reaction towards a fearful situation is the
feeling we associate with approach anxiety or the fear of the approach. 3he way to overcome
this is to reverse the learning.
(ic# : topics to spea# about and time yourself for one minuteas you tal# out loud to yourself
about them. (ic# one topic thatyou #now a lot about and are very comfortable with, pic#
atopic that you thin# you #now nothing about, and pic# a topicthat you thin# is li#ely to come
up in conversation while practicing in field.
Word 2ssociation
'tudents take turns associating words with the pre!iousword said. )t is important to remember not to
umm and err much whilst thinking of what to say ne"t. The word has toassociate with the one
before it and not any pre!ious answers.This encourages them to be spontaneous about their
answersand think on their feet.
This e"ercise helps students be able to associatesomething with what they hear. 0or e"ample if you
are in acon!ersation with a girl and worry about what to say ne"t you should be able to pick one
word out of the sentence orcon!ersation and be able to relate or associate it withsomething more
familiar. 'harpening this skill trains you atbecoming more responsi!e in any gi!en situation.
0tory /ne Word at a 3ime
'tudents will ha!e to tell a story between their group howe!er they are only allowed to use one word
each. The instructor will start the story with a single word and then the students will take it in turns
adding one word at a time in order to create a story. This teaches students to not only think on their feet as
they think of the following word but also to remember the rest of the pre!ious con!ersation in order
to ensure their word fits into the story as a whole.
This helps teach the importance of paying attention to a con!ersation and listening to what is being
said by e!eryone. 1ne single word can alter the complete flow and progression of the sentence so it
is important to ha!e the skill of attenti!eness to ensure fluiditywith the tale.
0it in 0ilence
'tudents will again split into pairs. 2ach student willtake turns being the leader. )t will be the leaders role to
start acon!ersation and then encourage the other person to maintainthe con!ersation using as few
words as possible. 'tudents are encouragedto use facial e"pressions and handgestures to persuade
their partner to continue speaking. This will teach the students the power of sitting in a comfortable
silencewith often encourages the other person to add more to thecon!ersation. This remo!es the
pressure from theuncomfortable silences and helps them understand thedynamics of a con!ersation.
;uestion 'aster
'tudents stay in their pair and now strike up adiscussion with each other using only #uestions.
,fter a while they should find thatthe con!ersation becomesstagnant repeating similar topics. The
aim at this point will be to maintain a normalcon!ersation whilst still only speaking in #uestions to
oneanother. This task encourages them to once again think on their feet using con!ersation they
aren-t particularly comfortable with.
We ha!e found that beingforced to respond in only#uestions is uncomfortable andrecreates the feelings
andemotions of being lost for wordswhile in set. )f these emotions can be con#uered and controlled
in afamiliar setting then they should be easily managed while outin field
3astly this is a lesson in frame control. The frame isthe set of boundaries that constructs or
composes thecon!ersation. 'peaking in only #uestions forces the person toreply with the
unintentional restrictions you ha!e set. This toolcan be !ery powerful in set as the con!ersation will
then be inyour fa!or since you ha!e laid the limits
*rea#ing <apport
)f you-re looking to findthe one thing that will !isiblyshow a difference in your interaction with
women this is it.4p until now the entire interactionhas been designed to generatecomfort with the
other person. )tis a situation where you-re both comfortable talking to oneanother without any kind
of tension or awkwardness beyond perhaps the initial meeting.
What you ha!e done is created a situation where the girlis happy to ha!e you around though soon
enough this willdissipate. )t can take anywhere from one minute to 56 minutesfor you to create
comfort. Howe!er the second you feel thatyou-re in this comfortable 7one where you-re being engaged
inthe con!ersation it is time to 8reak the 9apport.
9apport is where two people ha!e a connection and arerelating to one another. This sounds like the kind of
beha!ior we would want to encourage so why would be go about breaking it&
Well the point is we ha!e already established that thereis a comfortable connection with the girl though
she probablyhas these kinds of interactions do7ens of times a day. What weneed is to make you stand out
fromthe crowd by making the situationsightly uncomfortable.
When we make the situationslightly uncomfortable their naturalresponse will be to try and fi" it.,fter
all people aren-t used touncomfortable scenarios and willwant to change this. They may start by
laughing at thesituation to diffuse it and then depending on how you brokerapport she may
continue to do other small actions to repair it be either becoming more in!ol!ed or defending
herself. 2ither way what she is doing is in!esting. :ot in a massi!e way butin a small way. 1f course this first
piece of in!estment is whatwe will use to generate e!en more. We are well aware that themore she in!ests the
more she will become attracted to thesituation and naturally yourself.
There are a number of different ways you can go about breaking rapport ranging from little games you can play
tooutright disagreeing with her. 'ome e"amples are listed below.
%is#ualification;
'aying you like physical attribute or character trait <=>when she has <Y>.
2"ample say you really like brunettes when speaking to a blonde.
'ay she would be a really cool friend.
Tell her it sucks you had to meet her in a club?bar.
Physical;
Playfully push her away.
Turn your back to her.
Ha!e your eyes wander away as if you you become lost in thought.
Ha!e her do something that makes her look silly without her reali7ing it until it's to late.
%o something childish like point at her shirt and flick her nose when she looks down.
Teasing;
.i!e her a stupid nickname i.e. blondie shortysparkles etc
%isagreement;
'ay no.$
,fter she says she likes something say that you don't@e"plain whyA.
Ha!e a friendly debate on something.
Bancel a plan you made.
Tell her she's being rude about something and correcther beha!ior in some way.
'e"ual;
4se a strong kino (ump such as slapping her ass.
;ualification
Cualification is one of the best ways of displayinghigher !alue and potentially the most important
part of theattraction building process yet it is one of the ones that manyalmost always fail to use in
field.)magine meeting 8ill .ates.Would he spend all of his timecon!incing you how great hewas& %o
you think he wouldtell you about how cool hisnew car was and how muchhis house is worth& :o
he-dinstead be interested in whatyou-re doing. He would be asking you #uestions aboutyourself
what you do your occupation and want to know your aspirations in life. He is comfortable enough
in who he is tonot worry about pro!ing himself to you.
People who possess true high !alue don-t bother wasting their time trying to impress you. )nstead
they are morelikely to ask you #uestions about yourself. )ronically as weanswer those #uestions we
often find oursel!es falling into thetrap of pro!ing$ oursel!es to others.
To #ualify someone is to get them to pro!e themsel!es to you.
The more they pro!e themsel!es to you the more they!alue your opinion. When you-re #ualifying
someone you-reattempting to get them to (ustify and pro!e themsel!es to you.,nytime you find
someone doing this you ha!e succeeded.Howe!er there are a couple of different ways you can go
about prompting them to do so.
;ualification 0tatements
The first method in!ol!es using #ualificationstatements. These are statements which come
preloaded with acertain type of personality trait or beha!ior. These traits aretypically seen as what
people wish to possess. , few e"amplesinclude friendliness spontaneity and being interesting. The
statement that you make should associate one of those beha!iors with an action to pro!e$ they
ha!e that #uality.
$) only like talking to people than can actually hold down con!ersation. ) like the fact that you
seemable to do this.$
Whether they ha!e been holding down the con!ersationor not is irrele!ant. They should now make
more of aconcerted effort to maintain the con!ersation in order to li!e upto the compliment offered as
you ha!e made it an e"ceptionand a standard.
$Thanks so much for that ) can-t belie!e you-re so friendly! )t-s rare to meet someone who is actuallynice
in this city.$
$You seem like such a sweet person ) had to comeo!er and say hi.$
Typically you-ll find that after this the person becomesslightly warmer and more willing to discuss things further.
;ualifying ;uestions&
The second form of #ualification and the more powerfultechni#ue of the two is #ualification #uestions. These are
more potent as they re#uire the participation of the other person in#uestion.
, #ualifying #uestion is typically any #uestion that willencourage the other person to (ustify themsel!es to
you.1ccasionally you will ask a basic #uestion that will prompt a (ustifying response. )n these cases don-t look a
gift horse in themouth and continue with the #ualification
Please note; The word why is an e"ceptional tool in order toencourage someone to speak more on a sub(ect and
potentiallytrigger #ualifying responses
$What do you do for a li!ing& What did you want to do when you were D& Why did you gi!e up on your
ambitions&$
$)f you could go anywhere in the world right nowwhere would you go& Why&$
2!ery time someone #ualifies themsel!es to you theyare in!esting into the con!ersation. Cualifying
oursel!es toothers isn-t actually something we do lightly. )f someone wereto approach you in the street and
ask you to impress them bytelling them something interesting about yourself you would belikely to
either say no or ask why. This is because on asubconscious le!el we all fear being (udged by others
,s the aim of this is to get the girlto in!est e!en more it is importantthat we manage the
situationcorrectly. 0or this we use a methodde!eloped by PsychologistThorndike back in the EF56s
known as1perant Bonditioning.
1perant conditioning is the gi!en name for a specifictype of learning. )n summary it breaks down that one
of the principle methods humans use to learn how to interact with theen!ironment is by punishment
and reward. We continue todo beha!ior we are rewarded for and stop doing beha!ior weare punished for.
)f we do something and recei!e a positi!ereward or reaction from it we are more likely to do it again.
This is an incredibly important piece of information for us if we want toensure that we don-t gi!e
mi"ed signalto those we interact with. , classicmistake people make is to punishsomeone for being nice
in an attempt at being humorous which unfortunatelyonly ser!es to teach$ the person to notrepeat
the beha!ior.
1perant conditioning works hard in hand with#ualification as the means by which we continue to
buildin!estment with the other person. ,nytime someone you-reinteracting with #ualifies
themsel!es to you be sure to rewardthem with positi!e body language and !erbal affirmations.
)f they doesn-t #ualify themsel!es to you then you can gi!e asmall amount of punishment by
mo!ing away or ribbing themfor not gi!ing a good enough answer.
8e sure that if you do use anyform of punishment you must gi!eanother way for them to make it up toyou or you
would be in a negati!e spiralof emotions where you-ll both end up being mad at each other. The best way to do this
is to ensureyou gi!e an immediate way for them to #ualify themsel!esagain after any kind of punishment.
You; $Tell me something interesting that youdid last week$
Her; Why should )&
You; 'eriously you didn-t do anything at all interesting& Bome on that-s terrible!Tell me something that you did
o!er theweekend )-m sure it was more interesting than you think
Examples of ;ualifier 0tatements
) lo!e how friendly you are.
You seem to be really independent.
You look like the bad girl.
) can tell you-re !ery intelligent.
You-re the type of girl that always seems up for a fun time
Examples of ;ualifier ;uestions
1o you always ta#e care of your appearance?
What did you want to be when you were = yearsold?
What is the last thing you have done that you haveactually en-oyed?
/ut of everyone in this bar, apart from me, who isthe most interesting person you have spo#en to?
Qualification and the different types of questions to ask shouldreally be based on you and what
you would like your ideal partner to have.Make a list and think of at least 10 characteristics or
traits thatyou would like in your future mate.
nce you have those traits written down formulate your ownquestions that can be used to qualify
someone based on if theyhave those characteristics or not.