Madame Edwarda*

*Bataille wrote Madame Edwarda under the pseudonym, Pierre Anglique.

Preface

Death is the most terrible of all things; and to maintain its works is what
requires the greatest of all strength. Hegel
The author of this book has himself insisted upon the gravity of what he has to say.
onetheless, it would seem advisable to unders!ore the seriousness of it, if only
be!ause of the widespread !ustom of making light of those writings that deal with the
sub"e!t of se#ual life. ot that $ hope % or intend to try % to !hange anything in
!ustoms that prevail. But $ invite the reader of this prefa!e to turn his thoughts for a
moment to the attitude traditionally observed towards pleasure &whi!h, in se#ual play,
attains a wild intensity, an insanity' and towards pain &finally assuaged by death, of
!ourse, but whi!h, before that, dying winds to the highest pit!h'. A !ombination of
!onditions leads us to entertain a pi!ture of mankind as it ought to be, and in that
pi!ture man appears at no less great a remove from e#treme pleasure as from e#treme
pain( the most ordinary so!ial restri!tions and prohibitions are, with equal for!e,
aimed some against se#ual life, some against death, with the result that ea!h has !ome
to !omprise a san!tified domain, a sa!red area whi!h lies under religious "urisdi!tion.
The greater diffi!ulties began when the prohibitions !onne!ted with the !ir!umstan!es
attending the disappearan!e of a person)s life were alone allowed a serious !hara!ter,
whilst those tou!hing the !ir!umstan!es whi!h surround the !oming into being of life
* the entirety of genital a!tivity * tended to be taken unseriously. $t is not a protest
against the profound general in!lination that $ have in mind( this in!lination is another
e#pression of the human destiny whi!h would make man)s reprodu!tive organs the
ob"e!t of laughter. But this laughter, whi!h a!!entuates the pleasure%pain opposition
&pain and death merit respe!t, whereas pleasure is derisory, deserving of !ontempt',
also unders!ores their fundamental kinship. +an)s rea!tion has !eased to betoken
respe!t( his laughter is the sign of aversion, of horror. ,aughter is the !ompromise
attitude man adopts when !onfronted by something whose appearan!e repels him, but
whi!h at the same time does not strike him as parti!ularly grave. And thus when
eroti!ism is !onsidered with gravity, !onsidered tragi!ally, this represents a !omplete
reversal of the ordinary situation.
$ wish right away to make !lear the total futility of those often%repeated
statements to the effe!t that se#ual prohibitions boil down to no more than pre"udi!es
whi!h it is high time we get rid of. The shame, the modesty sensed in !onne!tion with
the strong sensation of pleasure, would be, so the argument runs, mere proofs of
ba!kwardness and unintelligen!e. -hi!h is the equivalent of saying that we ought to
undertake a thorough house!leaning, set fire to our house and take to the woods,
returning to the good old days of animalism, of devouring whoever we please and
whatever ordures. -hi!h is the equivalent of forgetting that what we !all humanity,
mankind, is the dire!t result of poignant, indeed violent impulses, alternately of
revulsion and attra!tion, to whi!h sensibility and intelligen!e are inseparably atta!hed.
But without wishing in any sense to gainsay the laughter that is roused by the idea or
spe!ta!le of inde!en!y, we may legitimately return * partially return * to an attitude
whi!h !ame to be through the operation of laughter.
$t is indeed in laughter that we find the .ustifi!ation for a form of !astigation,
of obloquy. ,aughter laun!hes us along the path that leads to the transforming of a
prohibition)s prin!iple, of ne!essary and mandatory de!en!ies, into an iron%!lad
hypo!risy, into a la!k of understanding or an unwillingness to understand what is
involved. /#treme li!en!e wedded with a "oking mood is a!!ompanied by a refusal to
take the underlying truth of eroti!ism seriously( by seriously $ mean tragically.
$ should like to make this prefa!e the o!!asion of a patheti! appeal &in the
strongest sense'0 for, in this little book, eroti!ism is plainly shown as opening dire!tly
out upon a !ertain vista of anguish, upon a !ertain la!erating !ons!iousness of
distress. ot that $ think it surprising that, most often, the mind shuts itself off to this
distress and to itself, and so to speak turning its ba!k, in its stubbornness be!omes a
!ari!ature of its own truth. $f man needs lies ... why, then let man lie. There are, after
all, men enough who are proud to drown themselves in the indifferen!e of the
anonymous mass ... But there is also a will, with its puissant and wonderful qualities,
to open wide the eyes, to see forthrightly and fully what is happening, what is. And
there would be no knowing what is happening if one were to know nothing of the
e#tremest pleasure, if one knew nothing of e#tremest pain.
ot let us be !lear on this. Pierre Ang$ique is !areful to say so( we know
nothing, we are sunk in the depths of ignoran!e)s darkness. But we !an at least see
what is de!eiving us, what diverts us from knowledge of our distress, from knowing,
more pre!isely, that "oy is the same thing as suffering, the same thing as dying, as
death.
-hat the hearty laugh s!reens from us, what fet!hes up the bawdy "est, is the
identity that e#ists between the utmost in pleasure and the utmost in pain( the identity
between being and non%being, between the living and the death%stri!ken being,
between the knowledge whi!h brings one before this da11ling reali1ation and
definitive, !on!luding darkness. To be sure, it is not impossible that this truth itself
evokes a final laugh0 but our laughter here is absolute, going far beyond s!orning
ridi!ule of something whi!h may perhaps be repugnant, but disgust for whi!h digs
deep under our skin.
$f we are to follow all the way through to its last the e!stasy in whi!h we lose
ourselves in love%play, we have got !onstantly to bear in mind what we set as
e!stasy)s immediate limit( horror. ot only !an the pain $ or others feel, drawing me
!loser to the point where horror will for!e me to re!oil, enable me to rea!h the state
where "oy slips into delirium0 but when horror is unable to quell, to destroy the ob"e!t
that attra!ts, then horror increases the ob"e!t)s power to !harm. 2anger paralyses0 but,
when not overpoweringly strong, danger !an arouse desire. -e do not attain to e!stasy
save when before the however remote prospe!t of death, of that whi!h destroys us.
+an differs from animal in that he is able to e#perien!e !ertain sensations that
wound and melt him to the !ore. These sensations vary in keeping with the individual
and with his spe!ifi! way of living. But, for e#ample, the sight of blood, the odour of
vomit, whi!h arouse in us the dread of death, sometimes introdu!e us into a kind of
nauseous state whi!h hurts more !ruelly than pain. Those sensations asso!iated with
the supreme giving%way, the final !ollapse, are unbearable. Are there not some
persons who !laim to prefer death to tou!hing an even !ompletely harmless snake3
There seems to e#ist a domain where death signifies not only de!ease and
disappearan!e, but the unbearable pro!ess by whi!h we disappear despite ourselves
4
and everything we !an do, even though, at all costs, we must not disappear. $t is
pre!isely this despite ourselves, this at all costs whi!h distinguish the moment of
e#treme "oy and of indes!ribable but mira!ulous e!stasy. $f there is nothing that
surpasses our powers and our understanding, if we do not a!knowledge something
greater than ourselves, greater than we are despite ourselves, something whi!h at all
costs must not be, then we do not rea!h the insensate moment towards whi!h we
strive with all that is in our power and whi!h at the same time we e#ert all our power
to stave off.
Pleasure would be a puny affair were it not to involve this leap, this staggering
overshooting of the mark whi!h !ommon sense fi#es * a leap that is not !onfined
alone to se#ual e!stasy, one that is known also to the mysti!s of various religions, one
that above all 5hristian mysti!s e#perien!ed, and e#perien!ed in this same way. The
a!t whereby being e#isten!e * is bestowed upon us is an unbearable surpassing of
being, an a!t no less unbearable than that of dying. And sin!e, in death, being is taken
away from us at the same time it is given us, we must seek for it in the feeling of
dying, in those unbearable moments when it seems to us that we are dying be!ause the
e#isten!e in us, during these interludes, e#ists through nothing but a sustaining and
ruinous e#!ess, when the fullness of horror and that of "oy !oin!ide.
6ur minds) operations as well never rea!h their final !ulmination save in
e#!ess. -hat, leaving aside the representation of e#!ess, what does truth signify if we
do not see that whi!h e#!eeds sight)s possibilities, that whi!h it is unbearable to see
as, in e!stasy, it is unbearable to know pleasure3 -hat, if we do not think that whi!h
e#!eeds thought)s possibilities3. . .
7

At the further end of this patheti! meditation * whi!h, with a !ry, undoes itself,
unravelling to drown in self%repudiation, for it is unbearable to its own self * we
redis!over 8od. That is the meaning, that is the enormity of this insensate this mad
* book( a book whi!h leads 8od upon the stage0 8od in the plenitude of 9is
attributes0 and this 8od, for all that, is what3 A publi! whore, in no way different from
any other publi! whore. But what mysti!ism !ould not say &at the moment it began to
pronoun!e its message, it entered it * entered its tran!e', eroti!ism does say( 8od is
nothing if 9e is not, in every sense, the surpassing of 8od( in the sense of !ommon
everyday being, in the sense of dread, horror and impurity, and, finally, in the sense of
nothing ... -e !annot with impunity in!orporate the very word into our spee!h whi!h
surpasses words, the word 8od0 dire!tly we do so, this word, surpassing itself,
e#plodes past its defining, restri!tive limits. That whi!h this word is, stops nowhere, is
!he!ked by nothing, it is everything and, everywhere, is impossible to overtake
anywhere. And he who so mu!h as suspe!ts this instantly falls silent. 6r, hunting for a
way out, and reali1ing that he seals himself all the more ine#tri!ably into the impasse,
he sear!hes within himself for that whi!h, !apable of annihilating him, renders him
similar to 8od, similar to nothing.
4
$n the !ourse of the indes!ribable "ourney upon whi!h this most in!ongruous
of books invites us to embark, we may perhaps make a few more dis!overies.
:or e#ample, that, per!han!e, of happiness, of delight ...
And here indeed "oy does announ!e itself; within the perspe!tive of death &thus
is "oy made to wear the mask of its !ontrary, grief'.
$ am by no means predisposed to think that voluptuous pleasure is the essential
thing in this world. +an is more than a !reature limited to its genitals. But they,
those inavowable parts of him, tea!h him his se!ret.
<
=in!e intense pleasure depends
upon the presen!e of a deleterious vision before the mind)s eye, it is likely that we
will be tempted to try to slink in by some ba!k way, doing our best to get at "oy by a
<
route that keeps us as far away as possible from horror. The images whi!h qui!ken
desire or provoke the !riti!al spasm are usually equivo!al, louche: if it be horror, if it
be death these, images present, they always present them guilefully. /ven in =ade)s
universe, death)s terrible edge is defle!ted away from the self and aimed at the
partner, the vi!tim, at the other and, !ontradi!torily, =ade shows the other as the
most eminently delightful e#pression of life. The sphere of eroti!ism is ines!apably
plighted to dupli!ity and ruse. The ob"e!t whi!h !auses /ros to stir !omes guised as
other than truly it is. And so it does appear that, in the question of eroti!ism, it is the
as!eti!s who are right. Beauty they !all a trap set by the 2evil( and only beauty
e#!uses and renders bearable the need for disorder, for violen!e and for unseemliness
whi!h is the hidden root of love. This would not be the pla!e to enter into a detailed
dis!ussion of transports whose forms are numerous and of whi!h pure love slyly
!auses us to e#perien!e the most violent, driving the blind e#!ess of life to the very
edge of death. The as!eti!)s sweeping !ondemnation, admittedly, is blunt, it is !raven,
it is !ruel, but it is squarely in tune with the fear and trembling without whi!h we stray
farther and farther away from the truth darkness sequesters. There is no warrant for
as!ribing to se#ual love a pre%eminen!e whi!h only the whole of life a!tually has, but,
again, if we were to fail to !arry the light to the very point where night falls, how
should we know ourselves to be, as we are, the offspring, the effe!t of being hurling
itself into horror3 of being leaping headlong into the si!kening emptiness, into the
very nothingness whi!h at all costs being has got to avoid>
othing, !ertainly, is more dreadful than this fall. 9ow ludi!rous the s!enes of
hell above the portals of !hur!hes must seem to us? 9ell is the paltry notion 8od
involuntarily gives us of 9imself. But it requires the s!ale of limitless doom for us to
dis!over the triumph of being * when!e there has never la!ked anything save !onsent
to the impulse whi!h would have been perishable. The nature of our being invites us
of our own a!!ord to "oin in the terrible dan!e whose rhythm is the one that ends in
!ollapse, and whi!h we must a!!ept as it is and for what it is, knowing only the horror
it is in perfe!t harmony with. $f !ourage deserts us, if we give way, then there is no
greater torture. And never does the moment of torture fail to arrive( how, in its
absen!e, would we withstand and over!ome it3 But the unreservedly open spirit %
open to death, to torment, to "oy * the open spirit, open and dying, suffering and dying
and happy, stands in a !ertain veiled light( that light is divine. And the !ry that breaks
from a twisted mouth may perhaps twist him who utters it, but what he speaks is an
immense alleluia, flung into endless silen!e, and lost there.
8eorges Bataille
NOTES ON PREFACE
7 $ regret having to add that this definition of being and of e#!ess !annot repose,
upon a philosophi!al basis, e#!ess surpassing any foundational basis( e#!ess is
no other than that whereby the being is firstly and above all else !onveyed
beyond all !ir!ums!ribing restri!tions. Being is also, doubtless, sub"e!t to
!ertain other limits( were this not so, we should not be able to speak &$ too
speak, but as $ speak $ do not forget that not only will spee!h es!ape me, but
that it is es!aping me now'. These methodi!ally arranged senten!es are
possible &in a large measure possible sin!e e#!ess is rather the e#!eption than
@
the rule, sin!e e#!ess is the marvellous, the mira!ulous>0 and e#!ess
designates the attra!tive, if not the horrible, attra!tion, if not horror *
designates everything whi!h is more than what is, than what e#ists), but their
impossibility is also fundamental. Thus( no tie ever binds me, never am $
enslaved, sub"ugated, $ always retain my sovereignty, a sovereignty only my
death * whi!h will demonstrate my inability to limit myself to being without
e#!ess * separates from me. $ do not de!line, $ do not !hallenge !ons!iousness,
la!king whi!h $ !annot write, but this hand that writes is dying from the death
promised unto it as its own, this hand es!apes the limits it a!!epts in writing
&limits a!!epted by the hand that writes, but refused by the hand that dies'.
4 9ere then is the primary theologi!al attitude whi!h would be propounded by a
man for whom laughter is illumination and who disdains to impose limits, or
to a!!ept them( he who knows not what a limit is. 6h mark the day when on
read by a pebble of fire, you who have wa#ed pale over the te#ts of
philosophers? 9ow may he e#press himself who bids these voi!es be still,
unless it be in a way that is not !on!eivable to them3
< $ !ould also point out, moreover, that e#!ess is the very prin!iple and engine of
se#ual reprodu!tion( indeed, divine Providence willed that in its works its
se!ret impenetrable? -ere it then possible to spare man nothing3 The same
day when he, per!eives that the ground he stands on has fallen out from under
his feet, he is told that it has been providentially removed? But would he have
issue of his blasphemy, it is with blasphemy, it is in spitting defian!e upon his
own limitations, it is with blasphemy in his mouth that he makes himself 8od.
Anguish only is sovereign absolute. The sovereign is a king no more: it
dwells low-hiding in big cities. It knits itself up in silence, obscuring its
sorrow. rouching thick-wrapped, there it waits, lies waiting for the advent
of him who shall strike a general terror! but meanwhile and even so its
sorrow scornfully mocks at all that comes to pass, at all there is.
There * $ had !ome to a street !orner * there a foul di11ying anguish got its nails into
me &perhaps be!ause $)d been staring at a pair of furtive whores sneaking down the
stair of a urinal'. A great urge to heave myself dry always !omes over me at su!h
moments. $ feel $ have got to make myself naked, or strip naked the whores $ !ovet(
it)s in stale flesh)s tepid warmth $ always suppose $;ll find relief. But this time $
soothed my guts with the weaker remedy( $ asked for a pernod at the !ounter, drank
the glass in one gulp, and then went on and on, from 1in! !ounter to 1in! !ounter,
drinking until ... The night was done falling.
$ began to wander among those streets * the propitious ones * whi!h run
between the Boulevard Poisonnire and the Aue =aint%2enis. ,oneliness and the dark
strung my drunken e#!itement tighter and tighter. $ wanted to be laid as bare as was
the night there in those empty streets( $ slipped off my pants and moved on, !arrying
them draped over my arm. umb, $ !oasted on a wave of overpowering freedom, $
sensed that $)d got bigger. $n my hand $ held my straight%risen se#.
B
&The beginning is tough. +y way of telling about these things is raw. $ !ould
have avoided that and still made it sound plausible. $t would have seemed ;likely;,
detours would have been to my advantage. But this is how it has to be, there is no
beginning by s!uttling in sidewise. $ !ontinue ... and it gets tougher.'
ot wanting trouble, $ got ba!k into my pants and headed toward the +irrors.
$ entered the pla!e and found myself in the light again. Amidst a swarm of girls,
+adame /dwarda, naked, looked bored to death. Aavishing, she was the sort $ had a
taste for. =o $ pi!ked her. =he !ame and sat down beside me. $ hardly took the time to
reply when the waiter asked what it was to be, $ !lut!hed /dwarda, she surrendered
herself( our two mouths met in a si!kly kiss. The room was pa!ked with men and
women, and that was the wasteland where the game was played. Then, at a !ertain
moment, her hand slid, $ burst, suddenly, like a pane of glass shattering, flooding my
!lothes. +y hands were holding +adame /dwarda)s butto!ks and $ felt her break in
two at the same instant( and in her starting, roving eyes, terror, and in her throat, a
long%drawn whistled rasp.
Then $ remembered my desire for infamy, or rather that it was infamous $ had
at all !osts to be. $ made out laughter filtering through the tumult of voi!es, of glare,
of smoke. But nothing mattered any more. $ squee1ed /dwarda in my arms0
immediately, i!ebound, $ felt smitten within by a new sho!k. :rom very high above a
kind of stillness swept down upon me and fro1e me. $t was as though $ were borne
aloft in a flight of headless and unbodied angels shaped from the broad swooping of
wings, but it was simpler than that. $ be!ame unhappy and felt painfully forsaken, as
one is when in the presen!e of 862. $t was worse and more of a letdown than too
mu!h to drink. And right away $ was filled with unbearable sadness to think that this
very grandeur des!ending upon me was withering away the pleasure $ hoped to have
with /dwarda.
$ told myself $ was being ridi!ulous. /dwarda and $ having e#!hanged not one
word, $ was assailed by a huge uneasiness. $ !ouldn)t breath so mu!h as a hint of the
state $ was in, a wintry night had lo!ked round me. =truggling, $ wanted to ki!k the
table and send the glasses flying, to raise the bloody roof, but that table wouldn)t
budge, it must have been bolted to the floor. $ don)t suppose a drunk !an ever have to
fa!e anything more !omi!al. /verything swam out of sight. +adame /dwarda was
gone, so was the room.
$ was pulled out of my da1ed !onfusion by an only too human voi!e. +adame
/dwarda)s thin voi!e, like her slender body, was obs!ene( C$ guess what you want is to
see the old rag and ruin,) she said. 9anging on to the tabletop with both hands, $
twisted around toward her. =he was seated, she held one leg stu!k up in the air, to
open her !ra!k yet wider she used fingers to draw the folds of skin apart. And so
+adame /dwarda)s Cold rag and ruin) loured at me, hairy and pink, "ust as full of life
as some loathsome squid. C-hy,) $ stammered in a subdued tone, Cwhy are you doing
that3) CDou !an see for yourself,) she said, C$)m 862.) C$)m going !ra1y *) C6h, no
you don)t, you)ve got to see, look. . .) 9er harsh, s!raping voi!e mellowed, she
be!ame almost !hildlike in order to say, with a lassitude, with the infinite smile of
abandon( C6h, listen, fellow? The fun $)ve had . . . )
=he had not shifted from her position, her leg was still !o!ked in the air. And
her tone was !ommanding( C5ome here.) C2o you mean,) $ protested, Cin front of all
these people3) C=ure,) she said, Cwhy not3) $ was shaking, $ looked at her( motionless,
she smiled ba!k so sweetly that $ shook. At last, reeling, $ sank down on my knees and
feverishly pressed my lips to that running, teeming wound. 9er bare thigh !aressingly
E
nudged my ear, $ thought $ heard a sound of roaring sea surge, it is the same sound
you hear when you put your ear to a large !on!h shell. $n the brothel)s boisterous
!haos and in the atmosphere of !orroding absurdity $ was breathing &it seemed to me
that $ was !hoking, $ was flushed, $ was sweating' $ hung strangely suspended, quite
as though at that same point we, /dwarda and $, were losing ourselves in a wind%
freighted night, on the edge of the o!ean.
$ heard another voi!e, a woman)s but mannish. =he was a robust and
handsome person, respe!tably got up. C-ell now, my !hildren,) in an easy, deep tone,
Cup you go.) The se!ond in !ommand of the house !olle!ted my money. $ rose and
followed +adame /dwarda whose tranquil nakedness was already traversing the
room. But this so ordinary passage between the !lose%set tables, through the dense
press of !lients and girls, this vulgar ritual of Cthe lady going up) with the man who
wants her in tow, was, at that moment, nothing short of an hallu!inating solemnity for
me( +adame /dwarda)s sharp heels !li!king on the tiled floor, the smooth advan!e of
her long obs!ene body, the a!rid smell $ drank in, the smell of a woman in the throes
of "oy, of that pale body > +adame /dwarda went on ahead of me, raised up unto the
very !louds > The room)s noisy unheeding of her happiness, of the measured gravity
of her step, was royal !onse!ration and triumphal holiday( death itself was guest at the
feast, was there in what whorehouse nudity terms the pig%sti!ker)s
stab ..................................................................................................................................
....>.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>..
..............................................................................................>.. the mirrors wherewith
the room)s walls were everywhere sheathed and the !eiling too, !ast multiple
refle!tions of an animal !oupling, but, at ea!h least movement, our bursting hearts
would strain wide open to wel!ome Cthe emptiness of heaven.)
+aking that love liberated us at last. 6n our feet, we stood ga1ing soberly at
ea!h other( +adame /dwarda held me spellbound, never had $ seen a prettier girl *
nor one more naked. 9er eyes fastened steadily upon me, she removed a pair of white
silk sto!kings from a bureau drawer, she sat on the edge of the bed and drew them on.
The delirious .oy of being naked possessed her( on!e again she parted her legs,
opened her !ra!k, the pungent odour of her flesh and mine !ommingled flung us both
into the same heart)s utter e#haustion. =he put on a white bolero, beneath a domino
!loak she disguised her nakedness. The domino)s hood !owled her head, a bla!k
velvet mask, fitted with a beard of la!e, hid her fa!e. =o arrayed, she sprang away
from me, saying( Cow let)s go.)
C8o3 2o they let you go out3) $ asked. C9urry up, fifi,) she replied gaily, Cyou
!an)t go out undressed.) =he tossed me my !lothes and helped me !limb into them,
and as she did so, from her !apri!e, there now and then passed a sly e#!hange, a nasty
little wink darting between her flesh and mine. -e went down a narrow stairway,
en!ountered nobody but the !hambermaid. Brought to a halt by the abrupt darkness of
the street, $ was startled to dis!over /dwarda rushing away, swathed in bla!k. =he ran,
eluded me, was off, the mask she wore was turning her into an animal. Though the air
wasn)t !old, $ shivered. /dwarda, something alien0 above our heads, a starry sky, mad
and void. $ thought $ was going to stagger, to fall, but didn)t, and kept walking.
At that hour of the night the street was deserted. =uddenly gone wild, mute, /dwarda
ra!ed on alone. The Porte =aint%2enis loomed before her, she stopped. $ stopped too,
she waited for me underneath the ar!h * unmoving, e#a!tly under the ar!h. =he was
entirely bla!k, simply there, as distressing as an emptiness, a hole. $ reali1ed she
F
wasn)t froli!king, wasn)t "oking, and indeed that, beneath the garment enfolding her,
she was mindless( rapt, absent. Then all the drunken e#hilaration drained out of me,
then $ knew that =he had not lied, that =he was 862. 9er presen!e had about it the
unintelligible out%and%out simpli!ity of a stone right in the middle of the !ity $ had the
feeling of being in the mountains at night time, lost in a lifeless, hollow solitude.
$ felt that $ was free of 9er * $ was alone, as if fa!e to fa!e with bla!k ro!k. $
trembled, seeing before me what in all this world is most barren, most bleak. $n no
way did the !omi! horror of my situation es!ape me( =he, the sight of whom petrified
me now, the instant before had > And the transformation had o!!urred in the way
something glides. $n +adame /dwarda, grief * a grief without tears or pain had glided
into a va!ant silen!e. onetheless, $ wanted to find out( this woman, so naked "ust a
moment ago, who light%heartedly had !alled me Cfifi) > $ !rossed in her dire!tion,
anguish warned me to go no farther, but $ didn)t stop.
Gnspeaking, she slipped away, retreating toward the pillar on the left. Two
pa!es separated me from that monumental gate, when $ passed under the stone
overhead, the domino vanished soundlessly. $ paused, listening, holding my breath. $
was ama1ed that $ !ould grasp it all so !learly( when she had run off $ had known that,
no matter what, she had had to run, to dash under the ar!h, and when she had stopped,
that she had been hung in a sort of tran!e, an absen!e, far out of range and beyond the
possibility of any laughter. $ !ouldn)t see her any longer( a deathly darkness sank
down from the vault. -ithout having given it a se!ond)s thought, $ Cknew) that a
season of agony was beginning for me. $ !onsented to suffer, $ desired to suffer, to go
farther, as far as the Cemptiness) itself, even were $ to be stri!ken, destroyed, no
matter. $ knew, $ wanted that knowing, for $ lusted after her se!ret and did not for one
instant doubt that it was death)s kingdom.
$ moaned underneath the stone roof, then, terrified, $ laughed( C6f all men, the
sole to traverse the nothingness of this ar!h?) $ trembled at the thought she might fly,
vanish forever. $ trembled as $ a!!epted that, but from imagining it $ be!ame !ra1ed( $
leaped to the pillar and spun round it. As qui!kly $ !ir!led the other pillar on the right(
she was gone. But $ !ouldn)t believe it. $ remained woestru!k before the portal and $
was sinking into the last despair when upon the far side of the avenue $ spied the
domino, immobile, "ust faintly visible in the shadow( she was standing upright,
entran!ed still, planted in front of the ranged tables and !hairs of a !af shut up for the
night. $ drew near her( she seemed gone out of her mind, some foreign e#isten!e, the
!reature apparently of another world and, in the streets of this one, less than a
phantom, less than a lingering mist. =oftly she withdrew before me until in her retreat
she tou!hed against a table on the empty terra!e. A little noise. As if $ had waked her,
in a lifeless voi!e she inquired( C-here am $3)
2esperate, $ pointed to the empty sky !urved above us. =he looked up and for a brief
moment stood still, her eyes vague behind the mask, her ga1e lost in the fields of;
stars. $ supported her, it was in an unhealthy way she was !lut!hing the domino, with
both hands pulling it tight around her. =he began to shake, to !onvulse. =he was
suffering. $ thought she was !rying but it was as if the world and the distress in her,
strangling her, were preventing her from giving way to sobs. =he wren!hed away
from me, gripped by a shapeless disgust0 suddenly lunati!, she darted forward,
stopped short, whirled her !loak high, displayed her behind, snapped her rump up
with a qui!k "erk of her spine, then !ame ba!k and hurled herself at me. A gale of dark
savagery blew up inside her, raging, she tore and hammered at my fa!e, hit with
H
!len!hed fists, swept away by a demented impulse to violen!e. $ tottered and fell. =he
fled.
$ was still getting to my feet * was a!tually still on my knees * when she
returned. =he shouted in a ravelled, impossible voi!e, she s!reamed at the sky and,
horrified, her whirling arms flailing at va!ant air( C$ !an)t stand any more,) she
shrilled, Cbut you, you fake priest. $ shit on you * ) That broken voi!e ended in a rattle,
her outstret!hed hands groped blindly, then she !ollapsed.
2own, she writhed, shaken by respiratory spasms. $ bent over her and had to
rip the la!e from the mask, for she was !hewing and trying to swallow it. 9er
thrashings had left her naked, her breasts spilled through her bolero ... $ saw her flat,
pallid belly, and above her sto!kings, tier hairy !ra!k yawned astart. This nakedness
now had the absen!e of meaning and at the same time the overabundant meaning of
death%shrouds. =trangest of all * and most disturbing * was the silen!e that ensnared
/dwarda * owing to the pain she was in, further !ommuni!ation was impossible and $
let myself be absorbed into this unutterable barrenness * into this bla!k night hour of
the being)s !ore no less a desert nor less hostile than the empty skies. The way her
body flopped like a fish, the ignoble rage e#pressed by the ill written on her features
!indered the life in me, dried it down to the lees of revulsion.
&,et me e#plain myself. o use laying it all up to irony when $ say of +adame
/dwarda that she is 862. But 862 figured as a publi! whore and gone !ra1y * that,
viewed through the opti! of Cphilosophy), makes no sense at all. $ don)t mind having
my sorrow derided if derided it has to be, he only will grasp me aright whose heart
holds a wound that is an in!urable wound, who never, for anything, in any way, would
be !ured of it ... And what man, if so wounded, would ever be willing to Cdie) of any
other hurt3'
The awareness of my irreparable doom whilst, in that night, $ knelt ne#t to
/dwarda was not less !lear and not less imposing than it is now, as $ write. /dwarda)s
sufferings dwelt in me like the qui!k truth of an arrow( one knows it will pier!e the
heart, but death will ride in with it. As $ waited for annihilation, all that subsisted in
me seemed to me to be the dross over whi!h man)s life tarries. =quared against a
silen!e so bla!k, something leaped in my heavy despair)s midst. /dwarda)s
!onvulsions snat!hed me away from my own self, they !ast my life into a desert waste
Cbeyond), they !ast it there !arelessly, !allously, the way one flings a living body to
the hangman.
A man !ondemned to die, when after long hours of waiting he arrives in broad
daylight at the e#a!t spot the horror is to be wrought, observes the preparations, his
too full heart beats as though to burst0 upon the narrow hori1on whi!h is his, every
ob"e!t, every fa!e is !lad in weightiest meaning and helps tighten the vi!e when!e
there is no time left him to es!ape. -hen $ saw +adame /dwarda writhing on the
pavement, $ entered a similar state of absorption, but $ did not feel imprisoned by the
!hange that o!!urred in me. The hori1on before whi!h /dwarda)s si!kness pla!ed me
was a fugitive one, fleeing like the ob"e!t anguish seeks to attain. Torn apart, a !ertain
power welled up in me, a power that would be mine upon !ondition $ agree to hate
myself. Ggliness was invading all of me. The vertiginous sliding whi!h was tipping
me into ruin had opened up a prospe!t of indifferen!e, of !on!erns, of desires there
was no longer any question( at this point, the fever)s desi!!ating e!stasy was issuing
out of my utter inability to !he!k myself.
&$f Dou have to lay yourself bare, then you !annot play with words, trifle with
slow%mar!hing senten!es. =hould no one un!lothe what $ have said, $ shall have
written in vain. /dwarda is no dream)s airy invention, the real sweat of her body
I
soaked my handker!hief, so real was she that, led on by her, $ !ame to want to do the
leading in my turn. This book has its se!ret, $ may not dis!lose it. ow more words.'
:inally, the !risis subsided. 9er !onvulsions !ontinued a little longer, but with waning
fury, she began to breathe again, her features rela#ed, !eased to be hideous. 2rained
entirely of strength, $ lay full length down on the roadway beside her. $ !overed her
with my !lothing. =he was not heavy and $ de!ided to pi!k her up and !arry her. 6ne
of the boulevard ta#i stands was not far away. =he lay unstirring in my arms. $t took
time to get there, thri!e $ had to pause and rest. =he !ame ba!k to life as we moved
along and when we rea!hed the pla!e she wanted to be set down. =he took a step and
swayed. $ !aught her, held her, held by me she got into the !ab. -eakly, she said( not
yet ... tell him to wait.) $ told the driver to wait. 9alf dead from weariness, $ !limbed
in too and slumped down beside /dwarda.
:or a long time we remained without saying anything. +adame /dwarda, the
driver and $, not budging in our seats, as though the ta#i were rolling ahead. At last
/dwarda spoke to me. C$ want him to take us to ,es 9alles.) $ repeated her instru!tions
to the driver, and we started off. 9e took us through dimly lit streets. 5alm and
deliberate, /dwarda loosened the ties of her !loak, it fell away from her. =he got rid of
the mask too, she removed her bolero and, for her own hearing, murmured( Caked as
a beast). =he rapped on the glass partition, had the !ab stop, and got out. =he walked
round to the driver and when !lose enough to tou!h him, said( CDou see ... $)m bare%
assed, "a!k. ,et)s fu!k.) Gnmoving, the driver looked at that beast. 9aving ba!ked off
a short distan!e, she had raised her left leg, eager to show him her !ra!k. -ithout a
word and unhurriedly, the man stepped out of the !ar. 9e was thi!kset, solidly built.
/dwarda twined herself around him, fastened her mouth upon his, and with one hand
s!outed about in his underwear. $t was a long heavy member she dragged through his
fly. =he eased his trousers down to his ankles. C5ome into the ba!k seat,) she told
him. 9e sat down ne#t to me. =tepping in after him, she mounted and straddled him.
5arried away by voluptuousness, with her own hands she stuffed the hard stave into
her hole. $ sat there, lifeless and wat!hing( her slithering movements were slow and
!unning and plainly she gleaned a nerve%snapping pleasure from them. The driver
retaliated, struggling with brute heaving vigour0 bred of their naked bodies) intima!y,
little by little that embra!e strained to the final pit!h of e#!ess at whi!h the heart falls.
The driver fell ba!k, spent and near to swooning. $ swit!hed on the overhead light in
the ta#i. /dwarda sat bolt upright astride the still stiff member, her head angled
sharply ba!k, her hair straying loose. =upporting her nape, $ looked into her eyes( they
gleamed white. =he pressed against the hand that was holding her up, the tension
thi!kened the wall in her throat. 9er eyes swung to rights and then she seemed to
grow easy. =he saw me, from her stare, then, at that moment, $ knew she was drifting
home from the Cimpossible) and in her nether depths $ !ould dis!ern a di11ying fi#ity.
The milky outpouring travelling through her, the "et spitting from the root, flooding
her with "oy, !ame spurting out again in her very tears( burning tears streamed from
her wide%open eyes. ,ove was dead in those eyes, they !ontained a daybreak aureate
!hill, a transparen!e wherein $ read death)s letters. And everything swam drowned in
that dreaming stare( a long member, stubby fingers prying open fragile flesh, my
anguish, and the re!olle!tion of s!um%fle!ked lips * there was nothing whi!h didn)t
!ontribute to that blind dying into e#tin!tion.
/dwarda)s pleasure * fountain of boiling water, heartbursting furious tideflow
* went on and on, weirdly, unendingly0 that stream of lu#ury, its strident infle#ion,
glorified her being un!easingly, made her nakedness un!easingly more naked, her
7J
lewdness ever more intimate. 9er body, her fa!e swept in e!stasy were abandoned to
the unspeakable !oursing and ebbing, in her sweetness there hovered a !rooked smile(
she saw me to the bottom of my dryness, from the bottom of my desolation $ sensed
her "oy)s torrent run free. +y anguish resisted the pleasure $ ought to have sought.
/dwarda)s pain%wrung pleasure filled me with an e#hausting impression of bearing
witness to a mira!le. +y own distress and fever seemed small things to me. But that
was what $ felt, those are the only great things in me whi!h gave answer to the rapture
of her whom in the deeps of an i!y silen!e $ !alled Cmy heart).
=ome last shudders took slow hold of her, then her sweatbathed frame rela#ed
* and there in the darkness sprawled the driver, felled by his spasm. $ still held
/dwarda up, my hand still behind her head, the stave slipped out, $ helped her lie
down, wiped her wet body. 9er eyes dead, she offered no resistan!e. $ had swit!hed
off the light, she was half asleep, like a drowsy !hild. The same sleepiness must have
borne down upon the three of us, /dwarda, the driver and me.
&5ontinue3 $ meant to. But $ don)t !are now. $)ve lost interest. $ put down what
oppresses me at the moment of writing( C-ould it all be absurd3 6r might it make
some kind of sense3) $)ve made myself si!k wondering about it. $ awake in the
morning * "ust the way millions do, millions of boys and girls, infants and old men,
their slumbers dissipated forever > These millions, those slumbers have no meaning.
A hidden meaning3 9idden, yes, Cobviously)? But if nothing has any meaning, there)s
no point in my doing anything. $)ll beg off. $)ll use any de!eitful means to get out of
it, in the end $)ll have to let go and sell myself to meaninglessness, nonsense( that is
man)s killer, the one who tortures and kills, not a glimmer of hope left. But if there is
a meaning3 Today $ don)t know what it is. Tomorrow3 Tomorrow, who !an tell3 Am $
going then to find out what it is3 o, $ !an)t !on!eive of any Cmeaning) other than
Cmy) anguish, and as for that, $ know all about it. And for the time being( nonsense.
+onsieur onsense is writing and understands that he is mad. $t)s atro!ious. But his
madness, this meaninglessness * how Cserious) it has be!ome all of a sudden? * might
that indeed be Cmeaningful)3 Ko, 9egel has nothing to do with a mania! girl)s
Capotheosis).L +y life only has a meaning insofar as $ la!k one( oh, but let me be mad?
+ake something of all this he who is able to, understand it he who is dying, and there
the living self is, knowing not why, its teeth !hattering in the lashing wind( the
immensity, the night engulfs it and, all on purpose, that living self is there "ust in
order> Cnot to know). But as for 8623 -hat have you got to say, +onsieur
Ahetori!ian3 And you, +onsieur 8odfearer3 * 862, if 9e knew, would be a swine.*
6 Thou my ,ord Kin my distress $ !all out unto my heartL, 6 deliver me, make them
blind? The story * how shall $ go on with it3'
But $ am done.
:rom out of the slumber whi!h for so short a spa!e kept us in the ta#i, $
awoke, the first to open his eyes > The rest is irony, long, weary waiting for death >
* $ said C862, if 9e knew would be a swine.) 9e &9e would $ suppose be, at that parti!ular moment,
somewhat in disorder, his peruke would sit all askew' would entirely grasp the idea > but what would
there be of the human about him3 Beyond, beyond everything > and yet farther, and even farther still
> 9$+=/,:, in an e!stasy, above an emptiness > And now3 $ TA/+B,/.
77