.

BARTVS.AUSTRALIA

by

BillOakley&JoshWeinstein

ACTONE

FADEIN:

CLOSEUP

Alongstrandofsparklywhitetoothpasteswirls
aroundarunningsink.Astrandofgreen,Prell
styleshampooracesalongsidethetoothpaste,and
bothspiraltowardsthedrain.
BART(O.S.)
Go,toothpaste!Go!Move
yourpastywhitebutt!
LISA(O.S.)
Comeon,shampoo!Youcan
doit!

Theshampooreachesthecenterfirstanddisappears
downthedrainwithaglorp.
LISA(O.S.)
Yay!Iwonyourstupid
bathroomproductsrace!Now
canIwashmyhair,please?

PULLBACKTOREVEALweare...

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEKIDS'BATHROOMMORNING

Bart,holdingtoothpaste,andLisa,holdingshampoo,
arestandingonthesinkintheirpajamas.Lisa
startstoclimbdown.
BART
No!Onemorerace!Your
twobitshampoogotlucky,
butthistoothpastehasreal
talent.

Heholdsupthetube,whichsays"KrustyBrandTooth
Product.MustBeSoldasCandyinMA,IL,VT,AZ,CA."
Lisagroansandclimbsbackup.
LISA
Onemore,andthat'sit.
Thisshampooisnotforyour
amusement,it'sformyflaky
scalp.
BART
Okay.Onyoumark...Get
set...Squeeze!

Theybothsqueezetheirtubesfrantically,sending
longstrandsdroopingintotherunningsink.Then
theybenddowntowatchtheraceLisa'sgreen
strandgetstheinsidetrack,swirlsaround,and
headsintothedrainfirst.
BART
Nofair!Youonlywoncause
youhadtheinsidetrack!
Ifthewaterwasspinning
theotherway
LISA
Itneverspinstheother
way.IntheNorthern
hemisphere,wateralways
drainscounterclockwise.
It'scalledtheCoriolis
effect.
BART
Noway.Waterdoesn'tobey
your"rules".Itgoeswhere
itwants.Likeme,babe.
LISA
(ROLLINGEYES)Yes,Bart.
Whydon'tyoutryitand
see?

Bartturnsoffthetap,thenturnsitonagain.The
waterswirlscounterclockwise.Bartstickshis
handinandtriestoforcethewatertogotheother
way,butitwon't.Instead,itdefiantlyarcsover
hishandtocontinueitscounterclockwiserotation.
BART
IknowI'veseenitgothe
otherway.(LOOKING
AROUND)Ah,faithful
toilet.You'llproveme
right.

Bartstartsflushingthetoilet,butitalsoswirls
counterclockwise.Frustrated,hestickshisarmin
andtriesfutilelytopushthewaterintheother
direction.Heflushesagainandagainwithno
luck.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEMASTERBATHROOMSIMULTANEOUS

Intheshower,Homerisblastedwithsporadicjets
ofscaldingwater.
HOMER
(SEVERALIRREGULARSCREAMS)

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEHALLWAYTHATMINUTE.

Margehearsthealternatingflushesandscreamsand
looksconcerned.Sheopensthedoortothekids'
bathroomtoseeBartwithbotharmsinthetoilet.
MARGE
Oh,forPete'ssake,Bart!
Usetheplunger!

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEBART'SROOMAMINUTELATER

Bartstilllooksfrustrated.
BART
Whywon'tyoubelieveI'm
right?
LISA
Becauseyou'renot!Bart,
waterwillonlygotheother
wayintheSouthern
Hemisphere.
BART
(BEAT)Whatthehellisthe
SouthernHemisphere?
LISA
(SIGH)Haven'tyouever
lookedatyourglobe?

LisaturnstoBart'sdesk,onwhichisadusty
globeshapedobject,stillcoveredinitsoriginal
giftwrap.Anattachedcardreads"Happy5th
Birthday!Love,Grampa."Sheunwrapsit.
LISA(CONT'D)
See,theSouthernHemisphere
ismadeupofeverything
belowtheEqua...(LOOKSAT
BART)thisline.
BART
Hmm,sodowntherein,say,
ArgentinaorRandMcNally
alltheirwaterruns
backwards?
LISA
Uhhuh.(SARCASTIC)In
fact,inRandMcNally,they
wearhatsontheirfeet,and
hamburgerseatpeople.
BART
(SINCERE)Cool.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEKITCHENAFEWMINUTESLATER

Bartsitsbythetelephonewithhisglobe.Heopens
thephonebooktoasectionmarked"International
Dialing,"scanstheinstructions,andpicksupthe
receiver.Hedialsaboutfortydigitsandaftera
beat,wehearaweirdforeignphonering.

EXT.REMOTESOUTHPACIFICVILLAGETHATMINUTE

AWorldWarIIeraradiotelephoneinthemiddleof
thevillagestartsringing.Excitedvillagerscome
runningfromalldirectionsandcrowdaround.They
makewayforawiseoldmanwhohobblesupand,with
greatdrama,answersthephone.
BART(V.O.,STATICKY)
Hello,SouthernHemisphere?
Whichwaydoesthewatergo
inyourtoilet?
OLDMAN
(BEAT,THENANGRY)Whois
this?!

Wehearaclickandthenadialtone.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEKITCHENCONTINUOUS

BartdialsanotherrandomnumberintheSouthern
Hemisphere.

EXT.SOUTHPOLETHATMINUTE

Thephoneringsinsideaquonsethutinthemiddle
ofaragingicestorm.Afrozenpenguinisthrown
throughtheairandslamsintothehut.

INT.SOUTHPOLEQUONSETHUTCONTINUOUS

ANavalofficerinaparkahasansweredthephone.
NAVALOFFICER
(EXASPERATED)Justa
minute.I'llcheck.

Heopensthedoortothebathroomandlooksdownat
thetoilet.Thewaterisfrozensolid.Another
officercomesintothebathroom,holdingamagazine.
SECONDOFFICER
Aw,nuts.

INT.BANANAREPUBLICDICTATOR'SPALACEAMINUTE
LATER

ThePinochetstyledictatorstandsbyanxiouslyas
anincompetentlookingtranslatorholdsthephone.
TRANSLATOR
(LATINACCENT)Please
repeatagainformethe
mistertranslator.
BART(ONPHONE)
Whichwaydoesthewater
turninyourtoilet?

Thetranslatorlooksalarmedandspeakstothe
dictator.
TRANSLATOR
(SPANISH)

SUBTITLE:Hesaysthetideisturning!
DICTATOR
(SPANISH)

SUBTITLE:Ayecaramba!Thentherebelswillsoon
takethecapital!Imustflee!

Thedictatorjumpsoutthewindow,andwehearhim
smashintosometrashcansbelow.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEKITCHENCONTINUOUS
BART
Whywon'tthishemisphere
givemeastraightanswer?!

Hedialsanothernumber.

EXT.VOLCANICISLANDCONTINUOUS

Apayphoneringsinthemiddleofamassivelava
flow.Amanridingbyonarooftopdesperately
triestoreachforitbutcan't.

EXT.FASHIONABLEBUENOSAIRESSTREETAMINUTE
LATER

AnelderlyAdolfHitler,dressedinastylishsuit
anddesignerswastikatie,walksdownthestreet
carryingaCartiershoppingbag.Hehearshiscar
phoneringinganddashesuptohisMercedes(with
"ADOLF1"licenseplate.)Hefumblesforhiskeys
asthephoneringsinsidethecar.
HITLER
Eineminuten!Eineminuten!

Justashegetsthedooropen,thephonestops
ringing.
HITLER(CONT'D)
Ach.Daswagenfoneesteine
nuisancefone.

AnotherelderlyNaziridespastonabicycleand
waves.
ELDERLYNAZI
Buenosnoches,meinFuhrer!
HITLER
(WEARY)Ja,ja.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEKITCHENLATER

Bartisinthemiddleofanothercall.Lisaenters.
BART
Well,isthereanyoneon
"Pitcairn"Islandwhomight
haveatoilet?(GROANS,
HANGSUP)
LISA
Bart,youcan'tactually
calltheseplaces!Don'tyou
knowhowexpensive
internationalcallsare?
Yeesh,sometimesIthinkI'm
theonlypersonintheworld
whoreadsthenewsletter
thatcomeswiththephone
bill.

Lisaleaves.Bartconsidersthisforasecondthen
picksupthephoneagain.
BART
Hello,operator?I'dlike
tomakeacollectcallto...

Bartspinstheglobeandstopsitwithhisfinger,
selectingarandomplaceintheSouthernHemisphere.
BART(CONT'D)
Australia.

EXT.AUSTRALIADAY

Aphoneringsinsidearanchstylehouseonthe
outskirtsofasmalltown.Inthebackground,a
Koalabearonatelephonepolereachesforthe
transformer,getsshocked,andisthrownoutof
frame.

INT.AUSTRALIANHOUSECONTINUOUS

AsmallRalphWiggumishboyanswersthephone.
OPERATOR(ONPHONE)
Thisistheinternational
operator.Willyouaccepta
collectcallfrom...
BART(ONPHONE)
Er,theInternational
DrainageCommission.
LITTLEBOY
(AUSTRALIANACCENT)You'll
havetocallbackwhenme
MumandFagethome.
BART(ONPHONE)
It'sanemergency,dude!
LITTLEBOY
Ifit'sanemergency,then.

SPLITSCREENofBartandthelittleboy.
BART
(TRYINGTOSOUNDADULT)
ThisisDr.BartSimpsonof
theInternationalDrainage
Commission.Weunderstand
somedrainsinyourarea
havebeenmalfunctioning,
suckinginpeopleandwhat
not.
LITTLEBOY
Whillikers!That'sorful!
BART
Indeed.Weneedyouto
checkyoursinksandtoilets
andtelluswhichwaythe
waterisgoing.And,please
standclear!

Theboyrunsoffandweheartoiletsflushingand
sinksrunning.Hereturns,panting.
LITTLEBOY
Thefixtures,they'reall
drainingclockways,sir.
BART
(ANNOYEDGRUNT)Shewas
right.StupidLisaScience
Queen.
LITTLEBOY
ShouldIleavemyhouse,
sir?
BART
No,no,you'refine.But
youshouldcheckyour
neighbor'sdrains.I'll
hold.

EXT.AUSTRALIANHOUSEASECONDLATER

Thelittleboyrunsoutthedoorandhopsonhis
tricycle.Hepedalsoffdowntheroadtowardsthe
nexthouse,whichisseveralmilesaway.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEKITCHENALITTLELATER

Thephonereceiverliesfaceuponthekitchentable
whileaboredlookingBarteatsabowlofcereal.
Milhousecomesuptothewindow.
MILHOUSE
Hey,Bart!Thebakery
caughtfireandallof
downtownsmellslike
cookies!Wannagosmell?
BART
Cool!

Herunsout,leavingthephoneoffthehook.

ESTABLISHINGSHOTSIMPSONHOUSELATETHATNIGHT

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEKITCHENTHEN

Bart,inpajamas,wandersinandopensthe
refrigerator.Heopensacontainerofcoleslawand
scoopsahandfulintohismouth.
LITTLEBOY(ONPHONE)
Hullo?Sir?Sir?

AstartledBartwhirlsaroundtoseethephonestill
lyingonthetable.Hepicksitup.
BART
Huh?Yeah,thisisSir.
LITTLEBOY(ONPHONE)
I'vereturnedfrommy
neighbors'.They're
drainingclockways,too.
BART
Draining?(REMEMBERS)Oh,
Idon'tcareaboutthat
anymore.Butthanks.Bye.
LITTLEBOY(ONPHONE)
AmIinanydange

Barthangsup.

CHYRON:"THREEWEEKSLATER"

INT.SIMPSONHOUSELIVINGROOMNIGHT

Homer,wearingbifocals,ispayingthebills.He
opensalargemanilaenvelopefromthephonecompany
andscansthelengthybill.Weseenumerous$1
callstoSantiago,ChileAntarcticNavalResearch
StationNdola,ZambiaUnnamedSettlement,
DisputedZoneetc.
HOMER
Zambia?DisputedZone?Who
calledalltheseweird
places?
HOMER'SBRAIN
Quiet!Itmightbeyou.I
can'tremember.
HOMER
No,I'mgonnaaskMarge.
HOMER'SBRAIN
Whyembarrassusboth?Just
writethecheckandI'll
releasemoreendorphins.

Homerstartswritingthecheckthensuddenlyfeelsa
littlejolt.
HOMER
(PLEASEDSIGH)

INT.AUSTRALIANHOUSEDAY

Thelittleboy'sfatheropenstheirphonebill,sees
thecollectcallfromSpringfield,andreactswith
alarm.
FATHER
(AUSTRALIAN)Ninehundred
dollaridoos?!Well,we're
gonnagettothebottomof
this,weare!Tobias!

Thelittleboyenters.
FATHER(CONT'D)
Didyouacceptasixhour
collectcallfromthe
States?
LITTLEBOY
Itwasanemergencycall
fromtheInternational
DrainageCommission.
FATHER
Now,Tobias,everyoneknows
theInternationalDrainage
Commissionislocatedin
Brussels,notin(READING)
"Springfield."
LITTLEBOY
(ASHAMED)I'msorry.I
wasn'tthinking.

INT.AUSTRALIANHOUSEAMINUTELATER

Thefatherdialsthenumberonthebill.Weseea
splitscreenasHomerwakesupandanswers.Itis
themiddleofthenightintheUnitedStates.
HOMER
(DROWSY)Y'ello?
FATHER
Dr.Simpson?
HOMER
Yes.
FATHER
IsthisDr.BartSimpson?
HOMER
Oh.HoldOn.(YELLING)
Bart,wakeup!It'sfor
you.

Thefatherlooksconfusedandthesplitscreencuts
toBart'sroomashewakesupandanswers.
FATHER
(FRUSTRATED)I'mcalling
allthewayfromSquatter's
Crag,Australia,andIwant
tospeaktoBartSimpson
rightnow!
BART
(OPERATORVOICE)Hold
please.
FATHER
Alright,butIdon't
BART
(DEEPVOICE)Payroll.Burt
Stantonspeaking.
FATHER
Isaid"BartSimpson!"What
kindofcompanyisth
BART
(FEMALEVOICE)Bart
Simpson'soffice.
FATHER
ThankGod.Iwas
BART
(FEMALEVOICE)Onemoment,
please.(HUMSFAKEMUZAK
FORAFEWSECONDS)
FATHER
(MUTTERSTOSELF)Whodo
theythinkIam?Some
stupidAussiedrongo?
Bleedin'Yanks,Ioughta
BART
ThisisBartSimpson.CanI
helpyou,Ma'am?
FATHER
(MAD)MynameisBruno
Drundridge,andyouoweme
ninehundreddollars,mate!
BART
No.Youowemeninehundred
dollars.
FATHER
(SPUTTERING)You'rejust
somepunkkid,aren'tyou?
Ishould'veknownfromthe
factthateveryoneinthis
companyhassuchahigh
voice.Youtrickedmyson
intotakingthatcollect
call,youlittlemonster!
BART
"Monster?"(FAKE
INDIGNANT)Iamnotgoing
tositherewhileyou
pollutemyphonelineswith
yourfoullanguage!Good
day!

Bartstartstohangup.
FATHER
Foullang?(SNARL)You
pickedthewrongguyto
tanglewith,mate!
BART
(CHUCKLE)Idon'tthink
so.You'reallthewayin
Australia.

Barthangsup.

INT.AUSTRALIANHOUSECONTINUOUS

Themanfumes.
FATHER
That'sit.I'mgonnareport
thistomeMemberof
Parliament!

Heopensthewindowandyellsacrossthepastureto
aburlymaninoverallssloppinghogs.
FATHER(CONT'D)
Hey,Gus!Igotsomethin'
toreporttoyou!

EXT.AUSTRALIAPASTUREAMINUTELATER

ThefatherandGusstandamongstthehogs.
GUS
(AUSTRALIAN)That'sa
bloodyoutrage,itis!I'm
gonnatakethisalltheway
tothePrimeMinister!

Thetworunoverthehillanddowntoalake,where
afat,ruddymanisfloatingaroundinaninnertube,
drinkingabeer.
GUS(CONT'D)
Hey,Mr.PrimeMinister!
(NORESPONSE,THEN)Bruce!
PRIMEMINISTER
(AUSTRALIAN)Ay,mates!
What'sthegoodword?

EXT.AUSTRALIALAKESIDEAFEWMINUTESLATER

ThePrimeMinisteristowelingoffanddrinking
anotherbeer.Helooksconcerned.
PRIMEMINISTER
Aw,bananas!Well,wecan't
letthatYankgetawaywith
this.I'llhavealooksee
intogettin'youyourmoney,
Bruno.
FATHER
Muchobliged,P.M.

ThePrimeMinistergathersuphisinnertube,his
towel,andhiscooler,thenlooksforhisflip
flops.
PRIMEMINISTER
(CONT'D)
Bloody'ell!Gus,yourpig
iseatin'oneofmyflip
flops!

Oneofthepigsischewingonaflipflop.The
PrimeMinistertriestopullitaway,andthepig
growlsangrily.

CLOSEUPENVELOPE

Weseeanimportantlookingenvelopeaddressedto
"Mr.BartSimpson,742EvergreenTerrace,
Springfield,U.S.A."Thereturnaddressreads
"CommonwealthofAustraliaOfficialBusiness"and
there'sapostagestamphonoring"30Yearsof
Electricity"inAustralia.PULLBACKTOREVEALthat
weare...

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEBART'SBEDROOMAFEWDAYS
LATER

Bartopenstheletterandreadsit.
BART
(SKIMMING)Mr.Simpson...
blahblah...
misrepresentationover
telephone...yaddayadda...
pleaseremit$900
Australian,$656American...
blingblang...Sincerely...
SomeAustralianjerk.

Bartcrumplesuptheletterandthrowsitinhis
trashcan.WeTIMEDISSOLVEASBart'shandtosses
inletterafterunopenedletterfromAustralia.
Somearerubberstamped"PASTDUE,""MATE:PAYMENT
REQUIRED,"and"BLOODYURGENT."TheTIMEDISSOLVES
continueashishandtossesincertifiedletters,
telegrams,andlargelegalenvelopes.
Finally,hecrushesallthegarbagedownwithhis
footandtossesinasaxophone.
LISA(O.S.)
Hey!Ineedthat!

WIDENtoshowLisarunningintoBart'sroom.
BART
Sorry.Itwasmakingsuch
anawfulsound,Ithoughtit
wasdying.
LISA
Isee.I'llpassthatalong
toStanGetz.

Lisareachesintothetrashcanandnoticesallthe
letters.Sheexaminesthereturnaddresses.
LISA(CONT'D)
"OfficeoftheSolicitor
General?""Officeofthe
PrimeMinister?""BrunoK.
DrundridgeGraphicDesign?"
Whatisallthisstuff?
BART
Nothing.Somestupid
countrythinksIowethem
money.

Lisatearsopenasealedlegalenvelope,pullsouta
thickdocument,andperusesit.Bartlooksoverher
shoulder.
LISA
(WORRIED)Uhoh.Bart,you
bettertalktoMomandDad
aboutthis.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSETVROOMAMINUTELATER

BartlooksunconcernedasheandLisaapproachMarge
andHomerwiththestackofletters.
BART
Hey,guys,it'snobig
deal...butI'mbeing
indictedforfraudin
Australia.
HOMER
(UPROARIOUSLAUGHTER)
MARGE
Oh,my.

FADEOUT:

ENDOFACTONE

ACTTWO

FADEIN:

INT.SIMPSONHOUSETVROOMAFEWMINUTESLATER

Thefamilysitsaround.Margereadsthroughthe
letters.
BART
SotheyclaimItrickedthis
Australiankidinto
acceptinga$900collect
call.Thingsgotworsewhen
Iinsultedhisfatherand
threwawayalltheir
government'sletters.
LISA
AndnowtheywantBartto
standtrialforfraudin
Australia.
HOMER
Inwhere?(REALIZES)Oh.
Thatmustbeoneofthose
newstatesI'vebeenreading
about.
MARGE
It'sacountry,dear.Lisa,
blowuptheglobeforyour
father.

Lisapullsadeflatedbeachballglobeoutofa
drawer,blowsitup,andhandsittoHomer.
HOMER
Thereitis."Australi
a."I'llbedamned...

ThenhelookscuriouslyattheglobeandseesSouth
America.
HOMER(CONT'D)
Heehee.Lookatthis
country:"Urgay."

Thedoorbellrings.MargeanswersittorevealEvan
Conover[PHILHARTMAN],a40ishpreppylookingman
withablueblazerandalargebriefcase.A
governmentsedanisparkedatthecurb.
EVANCONOVER
(LILTING,PREPPYVOICE)Oh,
my.(BEAT)Hello,youmust
beMrs.Simpson.I'mEvan
Conover,withtheU.S.State
Department.

Hehandsherabusinesscard.
MARGE
(READINGIT)
"Undersecretaryfor
AustralianAffairs.Trivial
MattersDivision."
EVANCONOVER
Normallyit'slostluggage
andwhatnot.Butinthis
case,I'mafraidlittle
BartholomewJ.hascookedup
amellofahess.Letme
explain.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSELIVINGROOMAFEWMINUTES
LATER

Mr.Conoverhassetupaslideprojectorand
screen.TheSimpsonslookon.
EVANCONOVER
Unfortunately,Bart,our
little"escapade"couldnot
havecomeataworsetime.
AmericoAustralianrelations
areatanalltimelow.

Heclickstothefirstslide,whichhasaState
Dept.sealandreads"SlideCarousel#8402A.
Australia,HurtFeelingsof."
EVANCONOVER(CONT'D)
AsI'msureyouremember,in
thelate1980's,theU.S.
experiencedashortlived
infatuationwithAustralian
culture.

Hequicklyshuttlesthroughslidesincludingphotos
of"Crocodile"Dundee,Foster'sLager,Jackolifting
agiantEnergizerbatteryoverhishead,anda
Subwaystorewithaposterfor"FootLongVegemite
Sub$1.99!"
EVANCONOVER(CONT'D)
Forsomebizarrereason,the
Aussiesthoughtthiswould
beapermanentthing.Of
course,itwasn't.

Heclickstothenextslide,whichshowsaboarded
up,bankruptmovietheaterwherethedilapidated
marqueereads"YAHOOSERIOUSFESTIVAL."
LISA
(CONFUSED)Iknowthose
words,butthatsignmakes
nosense.
EVANCONOVER
Anyway,the"downunder"fad
fizzled,andtheireconomy
neverquiterecovered.And
then,ofcourse

Hechangesslides,andanewonecomeson.Itshows
FidelCastro,seenthroughthecrosshairsofa
sniperscope.Itsays"PlanB."
EVANCONOVER(CONT'D)
Oops.Let'spretendwe
didn'tseethat.(REMOVES
IT)Thingsgotabitacrid
duringDesertStorm,when
oneofourguidedmissiles
mistookAyersRockfor
downtownBaghdad.

TheslideshowsabaffledlookingAustralianhiker
standingontheedgeofa1,200footbombcrater.
BART
(CHUCKLE)Suckers.
MARGE
Bart,I'msuretheirrock
wasveryimportanttothem.
EVANCONOVER
Thediplomaticclimate
turnedabsolutelyfrosty
lastweek.Atthetrade
conference,President
Clintonoffendedthe
AustralianPrimeMinisterby
havinganaffairwithhis
daughter.

ThefinalslideshowsasmilingBillClintonwith
tieundoneandlipstickonhisface.
EVANCONOVER(CONT'D)
Hmm.Ithinkthatslideis
fromthePalestiniansummit,
butyougettheidea.

Mr.Conoverturnsofftheprojector,sitsdown,and
takesasipoftea.
BART
SoIcausedadiplomatic
rift?Cooool.
EVANCONOVER
Well,youhelped.Andyou
furtheragitatedthemby
ignoringtheirlettersand
cables.
HOMER
Oh,he'llagitateya.He
surewill.(CHUCKLES,THEN
STOPSAWKWARDLY)Whatcan
wedoforyou?
EVANCONOVER
Asasignofgoodfaithto
ourAustralian"friends,"
we'dliketoimprisonBart
forfiveyears.
HOMER
That'stoughbutfair.Boy,
gowiththeman.
MARGE
No!Iwillnothavemyson
gotojailoversomesilly
tiffwithAustralia!You'll
justhavetofindsomeother
countrytohaverelations
with.
EVANCONOVER
(GROANS)ThenI'mgoingto
havetocallinthe
negotiatingteam.

Hepicksupthephone.

EXT.SIMPSONHOUSEAFEWHOURSLATER

TwobluevanswithStateDepartmentsealspullupto
theSimpsonhouse.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSEFOYERCONTINUOUS

ThedoorbellringsandHomeropensittoreveala
teamofofficialnegotiators(alaBurns'slawyers.)
NEGOTIATOR#1
Thishadbetterbegood.
HOMER
Itis.Mysonmadeaprank
phonecalltoAustralia.
NEGOTIATOR#2
Fairenough.ThoseA.P.
reportersinAlgierswill
justhavetoremain
kidnappedforonemoreday.

Thenegotiatorsstrideintothekitchenandbegin
settingupfaxmachines,phonelinks,etc.Mr.
Conoverjoinsthemandclosesthedoor.Afew
secondslater,hewheelsMaggieoutinherhighchair
andgoesbackinside.

INT.SIMPSONHOUSELIVINGROOMHOURSLATER

Thefamilysitsaround,lookingtiredandanxious.
LISA
Howmuchlongeristhis
goingtotake?
HOMER
I'vehadit!I'mgoingto
marchrightintothat
kitchenandmakemyfrozen
burrito!

JustasHomergetsup,ahaggardConoveremerges
fromthekitchenwithafolder.
EVANCONOVER
Frontandcenter,Simpsons.
We'veworkedouta
compromisewiththe
Aussies.They'lldropthe
chargesifBartwilljust
makeapublicapology.
BART
Icanhandlethat.I'man
expertatphonyapologies.
MARGE
Bart!
BART
(PHONY,TOMARGE)I'm
sorry.
EVANCONOVER
Good.Ifyoucanjustwork
upafewofthosekiddie
tearsfortheParliament,
it'llbeperfect.
LISA
The"Parliament?"
EVANCONOVER
(PATRONIZING)Yes,the
AustralianParliament.In
Australia,dear.Where
you'llallbegoing.

Thefamilylookssurprised.
MARGE
AllBarthastodois
apologize,andwegetafree
triptoAustralia?

Conovernods.
HOMER
Woohoo!Freevacation!
Andyousaidcrimedidn't
pay,Marge!
MARGE
(REACHING)Well...this
wasn'texactlyacrime.Per
se.Itwasmoreofa
prank.Ortomfoolery.
Shenanigans,really.
HOMER
Woohoo!Shenaniganspays!

CLOSEUPAIRPLANEWINDOW

BartandHomer'sfacesarepressedeagerlyup
againstanairplanewindow.Homerpointsoutthings
toanexcitedBart.WePULLBACKTOREVEALthey're
stillontherunwayatSpringfieldAirport.They
arepointingatanupsidedownpetcarrierwithan
upsidedowndoginit,beingloadedontoanother
plane.TheSimpsons'plane(labelled
"TranshemisphericAirlines")takesoff.Asit
fliesoutofframe,thecamerabeginsmoving
straightdownthroughtheEarth.

INT.EARTHCONTINUOUS

Wedescendpastburiedpipes,cables,etc.pastthe
cemeterytherunwaywasbuiltontopofandpastan
abandonedmineshaftthatjustbarelymissesahuge
veinofgold.Belowthat,wepassacoupleof
Vikingskeletonsshotfullofarrowsahugeancient
templecoveredwithstrangewritingandacrashed
U.F.O.coveredwiththesamewriting.Wedescend
pastalotofrockthenpastaseventyfoothuman
skeletonwithafewregularsizedhumanskeletonsin
itsstomach.Afterthatisalotofmagmaand
lava.AttheverycenteroftheEarth,weseean
overworkedShivaoperatingalotofleversand
switcheswithhissixarms.
SHIVA
(EXHAUSTEDGROAN)

Thecameracontinueson,andfromthispoint,
everythingisupsidedown.Wemovepastmorelava,
magma,androck,andanoildepositwithaschoolof
weirdluminousfishswimminginitThen,wepassa
dinosaurskeletonthatisatleastthreemilestall
andpastacavernwhereaspelunkerfalls(upwards)
offastalactite.
SPELUNKER
(SCREAM)

Almostatthesurface,wepassadentedchunkof
SkyLabandsomeburiedsewerpipes.Finally,we
emerge,upsidedown,ontherunwayoftheAustralian
airport,wherethesunisjustrising.Aftera
beat,theSimpsonplanetouchesdown.
STEWARDESS(O.S.)
(AUSTRALIAN)Sir!Please
remainseateduntilthe
planehascometoacomplete
stop!
HOMER(O.S.)
(ANNOYEDGRUNT,THUD)

INT.AUSTRALIANAIRPORTCUSTOMSALITTLELATER

TheSimpsonfamilywaitsinthecustomsline.They
looksleepyanddisoriented,withtheirhairmatted
inweirdwaysEvanConover,waitingwiththem,
looksperfectlygroomed.Homertriestoresethis
watch.
HOMER
(GROGGY)Weleftat1:30
P.M.Monday.Whattimeis
itnow?

HeturnstoLisa,who'sreadingaguidebook.
LISA
It's6:45A.M.lastFriday.
Youmayalsobeinterested
toknowthatit'ssummer
here,notwinter.
HOMER
(WHINYMOAN)

Homerthrowstheskisandsledhewascarryinginto
anearbytrashcan.Bartislookingatasignthat
reads"ADVISORY:FOREIGNFLOR&FAUNPROHIBITED!"
BART
Whatdoesthatsignsay?I
thoughttheyspokeEnglish
inthiscountry!
LISA
Itsaysyoucan'tbringin
outsideplantsoranimals.
(CONSULTINGBOOK)Because
Australiaevolvedfor
millionsofyearsonits
own,ithasaselfcontained
ecosystem.Anyforeign
thingyoubringincould
upsetthatbalance.
BART
Oh.

Bartopenshissuitcaseandtakesoutashoeboxwith
holespunchedinit.
BART
(TOBOX)Sorry,boy.I
don'twanttogetinany
moretroubledownhere.

Hetossestheboxinthetrashandwalksoff.A
secondlater,thebox'slidfallsoffandabullfrog
peersout.
BULLFROG
(CURIOUSRIBBIT)

Thebullfroghopsfromthetrashandleapsouta
nearbywindowintoapasture.Acoupleofkangaroos
seeitandfleeinterror.

EXT.DOWNTOWNSTREETTHATMORNING

Asignreads"U.S.Embassy.RestRoomforCitizens
Only."PULLBACKTOREVEALtheembassy,astately
buildingwithwellmanicuredgrounds.Asthe
SimpsonsandMr.Conoverwalkthroughthegatewith
theirsuitcases,Homerstopstolookatasentry
guardingtheentrance.
HOMER
Hey,areyoulikeoneof
thoseEnglishguardswho
can'tlaughorsmileor
anything?

Homerstartsmakingfacesatthesentry,sticking
outhistongueandgigglingcretinously.Thesentry
punchesHomerintheface.
SENTRY
No,sir.U.S.Marine
Corps,sir.

INT.EMBASSYVISITORSQUARTERSALITTLELATER

TheSimpsonsunpacktheirsuitcasesintheirwell
appointedroom.
HOMER
Oh,yeah,thisisthelife.
Boy,nextsummer,canyou
commitsomefraudin
Orlando,Florida?
MARGE
(WHISPERSTOBART)Paris,
Bart.Paris.

Mr.Conoverenterswithadistinguishedmaninhis
60's.
EVANCONOVER
Knoock!Simpsons,I'dlike
youtomeetourambassador,
theHonorableAverellWard.
AMBASSADOR
(LEANINGOVERTOBART)
Hello.Youmustbethe
childwhomadethebooboo
withdaddy'sphone.
BART
Youmustbetheoldcootwho
runsthisdump.
AMBASSADOR
Er,yes.Now,everythingis
allsetforBart'sapology.
Mr.Conoverwillmeetyouat
theParliamentHouseat
threeP.M.Anyquestions?
BART
Yeah.Dothetoiletsgo
backwardsinhere?
AMBASSADOR
No.Tocombathomesickness,
we'veinstalledadevice
thatmakesthemswirlthe
correct,Americanway.

Theambassadoropensthebathroomdoortoreveala
toiletwithalarge,complicateddeviceattached.
Heflushes.Asthewaterstartsgoingclockwise,
themachinestartsupwithalotofweirdmechanical
soundeffectsandforcesthewatertogocounter
clockwiseinstead.Homergetsmistyeyed.
HOMER
(CHOKEDUP)Sweetlandof
liberty...OftheeIsing.

EXT.EMBASSYALITTLELATER

Thefamilyheadstowardsthegate.Theyaredressed
inloudtouristyclothes,carryingcameras,etc.
(Homeriswearinghisfloppygolfhat.)
MARGE
We'llmeetyouboysback
hereatsixfordinner.
Goodluck.(KISSESBART)
LISA
Bart,I'msorryI'mgoingto
missyourpublic
humiliation,butthe
WoolumbalooDirtMonumentis
tooexcitingtopassup.

Exiting,theypassasigninsidethegatethatsays
"NowEnteringAustralia.ObserveLocalLaws."
BART
(TOSENTRY)Hey,G.I.Joe,
yoursign'sbroken.We're
alreadyinAustralia.
SENTRY
Actually,Sir,theembassy
isconsideredAmerican
soil.Sowhenyou're
standinghere,you'reinthe
States.
HOMER
Really?Look,boy!NowI'm
inAustralia!NowI'min
America!

Homerstepsinandoutofthegaterepeatedly.
HOMER(CONT'D)
(GLEEFUL)Australia!
America!Austr
BART
Igetit,Dad.
MARGE
Homer,that'senough.
HOMER
alia!(QUICK)America,
Australia,America,
Australia,Americ

ThesentrypunchesHomerintheface.
SENTRY
HereinAmericawedon't
toleratethatsortofcrap,
Sir.

ESTABLISHINGSHOTCULTURALCENTREANHOURLATER

It'salarge,modernbuildingonwhichischiselled
"CulturalCentre."Ahugebannerhangingonthe
frontsays"CARTYOURARSEONIN!"

INT.CULTURALCENTREEXHIBITHALLCONTINUOUS

Marge,Lisa,andMaggiewalkpastastuffedemu,a
stuffedwombat,andastuffedplatypus.Theycome
toanotherstuffedanimallabelled"ZARBLEX."It
hasthreelegs,spots,antlers,bigbuckteeth,and
issmokingapipe.
MARGE
My.Theycertainlyhavea
lotofunusualanimalshere.

Aguardcomesup.
GUARD
(AUSTRALIAN)(CHUCKLES)
Sorryifthisfellalooksa
littleoff,mum.He'sbeen
vandalized.

Hestepsintotheexhibitandremovestheantlers.
GUARD(CONT'D)
There.Allbetter.

INT.CULTURALCENTREEXHIBITHALLAMINUTE
LATER

Margeislookingatastatuelabelled"FirstPrime
Minister"thatlooksalotlikeJailbird.Shereads
theplaquebelow.
MARGE
(READING)"Australiawas
originallyfoundedasa
settlementforBritish
convicts."(WORRIED
MURMUR)Lisa,watchyour
camera.

Lisatuckshercameraunderherarmtoprotectit.
AllthenearbyAustraliansgrumbledisappointedly
andinchtowardsanothertouristwithacamera.

ESTABLISHINGSHOTDOWNTOWNSTREETSAMETIME

EXT.DOWNTOWNSTREETCONTINUOUS

HomerandBartwalkalong.Homerrunsuptoa
yellowtrafficsignwithasilhouetteofakangaroo
onit.
HOMER
Hey,boy!Getaloadof
thiscrazysign!Whaddya
thinkthey'retryin'totell
u

Homerisabruptlyknockedoutofframebyakangaroo
leapingacrossthestreet.Afewlittlekangaroos
follow.

EXT.BEACHALITTLELATER

Marge,Lisa,andMaggiestrollalongaboardwalk.
Lisatakesalickofhericecreamconeandfrowns.
LISA
Yuck.Idon'tthinkthey
madethisicecreamwith
cows'milk.

Lisawipeshermouthwithanapkin.Ontheback,we
seealogoofasmilingsheep.
LISA(CONT'D)
CanIgodipmyfeetinthe
water?
MARGE
Yes,butbecareful.I
don'ttrusttheseforeign
oceans.

Lisatakesoffhershoesandrunsdowntothe
water.Justasshe'sabouttodiphertoein,a
tentacle,ahugecrabclaw,andawideopenshark
mouthpopoutofthewaterinanticipation.
LISA
(STUNNED,HOLLOWVOICE)
Mahm.Hehlpm.

EXT.DOWNTOWNSTREETLATER

HomerandBartwalkpastplaceslabelled"Pub,"
"Tavern,""Taproom,""AleHouse,"and"Groggery."
Homerlooksatthesigns,confused.
HOMER
IwishIspokeAustralian.
HowamIevergoingtofind
abararoundhere?
BART
Comeon.Justpick
someplaceandsee.

HomerandBartenteroneoftheestablishments,
wherealargeneonsignsays"Brothel."Asecond
later,theycomebackout,withHomercovering
Bart'seyes.
HOMER
So,accordingtoher,we
shouldbelookingfora
"pubwanker."

INT.PUBAFEWMINUTESLATER

HomerandBartsitdownatthebar.
BARTENDER
(AUSTRALIAN)What'llitbe,
mates?
HOMER
Duff,please.

ThebartendergetsouttwogiantFoster'ssizecans
of"DuffLager,"andgivesthemtoHomerandBart.
Bartcautiouslypicksupthebeerandlooksatit.
ThebartendereyesBart.
BARTENDER
(SUSPICIOUS)Youareover
seven,aren'tya?

Bartnods,andthebartendergoesaway.Homerand
Bartsiptheirbeers.
HOMER
Youknow,son,thisismy
kindacountryafather
canhaveadrinkwithhis
littleboy,thebeersare
huge,andthere'snota
bookstoreinsight.
BART
Amen,brother.

Attheendofthebar,weseeasmallboyholdingup
anemptymug.Helookslikeaneightyearold
BarneyGumble.
BARNEYBOY
(AUSTRALIAN,BARNEYVOICE)
Ay,barkeep!I'mgettin'
dryhere!(BELCH)

EXT.PARLIAMENTHOUSEFRONTSTEPS3:00P.M.

Chiselledonthebuildingis"Parliamentofthe
CommonwealthofAustria."Theextra"al"iscrudely
paintedin.HomerandBartwalkupthestepsto
meetEvanConover.
BART
Hey,Mr.Conover!I'vebeen
practicingmyapologies.
Listen!(SAD&SNIFFLY)
I'msorry.(DUMBVOICE)
Duh,I'msorry.(DONALD
DUCKVOICE)I'msorry.(AD
LIBSMORE)
EVANCONOVER
Hmm,yes,fine.I'dgowith
oneofthelesssillyones.

INT.PARLIAMENTHOUSEMAINCHAMBERAMINUTE
LATER

Thethreewalkthroughasetofimposingdouble
doorstothemainchamberofparliament,alarge
Senatelikeroom.Legislators,whowearpowdered
wigsandrobes,linethegalleries.Downinthe
front,thePrimeMinisterandafewaidessitata
rostrum.ThelittleAustralianboyandhisfather
approachHomerandBart.
EVANCONOVER
HomerSimpson,Bart
Simpson.I'dlikeyouto
meetTobiasandBruno
Drundrige.
LITTLEBOY
Father,thisisthelad
whichcausedalltherowde
dow.
BART
(SOTTO,TOHOMER)Dad,this
isthesuckerthatgotus
ourfreevacation.
FATHER
Imustsay,IhadyouYanks
peggedwrong.Ididn't
thinkyou'dbebraveenough
toshowuptoday.
HOMER
(COCKY)We'rethebravest
countryintheworld.
KickedyourbuttinWorld
War2,ifI'mnotmistaken.

ThePrimeMinisterbangshisgavel,andthe
parliamentquietsdown.
PRIMEMINISTER
Hearye,hearye.This
sessionwillnowcometo
order.G'day,mates!
ALLLEGISLATORS
G'day,Bruce!
PRIMEMINISTER
Nowthen.Withthe
cooperationoftheU.S.
DepartmentofState,wehave
presenttodayoneBart
Simpson.
ALLLEGISLATORS
(MURMURS)
PRIMEMINISTER
You'llrecallthatMaster
Simpson'scrimesparkeda
longandheateddebate,
duringwhichweconsumeda
record3,000beers.
ALLLEGISLATORS
(CHEERS,HOOTS&HOLLERS)
PRIMEMINISTER
Now,beforewegetdownto
business,Ibelievehehas
somethingtosay.Bart?

Bartwalkstoamicrophoneinthecenterofthe
chamber.Everyonelooksoninanticipation.
BART
(CLEARSTHROAT)I'msorry.
(BEAT)I'msorryforwhatI
didtoyourcountry.
ALLLEGISLATORS
(POLITEAPPLAUSE)

HomergivesBartthethumbsup.
PRIMEMINISTER
Firstrateapology.Well
spoken,youngman.Nowthat
you'veconfessed,the
corporalpunishment.

TwoburlyguardsapproachBartfrombehindandslap
heavymanaclesonhim.
BART
Punishment?!Nobodytoldme
aboutanypunishment!
PRIMEMINISTER
Well,asimpleapologywould
beabitempty...

ANGLEONHOMER

AnoutragedHomertriestodashtowardBart,butis
restrainedbyaguard.HeturnsfuriouslytoEvan
Conover.
HOMER
Youbastard!Yousoldus
out!
EVANCONOVER
Iknow.Butasaresult,
we'veregainedan
inconsequentialally.

Suddenly,aloud,repeatingthudrattlesthewalls.
Everyoneturnstothedoubledoors,whichopento
revealamuscleboundmartialartistwearingone
hugeboot.Heentersandtakesafewpracticekicks
atanearbypunchingbag.Thebagbursts.
ALLLEGISLATORS
(BLOODTHIRSTYCHEERS)

Bartstruggles,buttheguardsgriphimtightly.
BART
Wwhat'shegonnadotome?
GUARD#1
(AUSTRALIAN)He'sgonna
kickyouinthebum.
GUARD#2
(AUSTRALIAN)Thenhe's
gonnadoitagain.Fourteen
times.
BART
(NERVOUSGULP)
GUARD#1
Don'tworry.He'sa
professional.

ThemartialartistwalkstowardsBartwithan
ominousthimpTHUMP,thimpTHUMP.

FADEOUT:

ENDOFACTTWO

ACTTHREE

FADEIN:

INT.PARLIAMENTHOUSEMAINCHAMBERASECOND
LATER

ThebooteradvancesonapanickedBart.Homer
strugglestogetfreefromtheguardwhoholdshim
back.
HOMER
(ANGUISHED)Whatkindof
sickcountrywouldkick
someonewithagiantboot?!
EVANCONOVER
Mr.Simpson,shhh!
Disparagingthebootisa
bootableoffense.It'sone
oftheirproudest
traditions.

ConovergesturestowardstheAustralianflag,which
weseeforthefirsttime.Itfeaturesalarge
cartoonbootkickingabareass.
BART
Hellllp!Homer!

Homermanagestowrigglehisarmfreefromtheguard
andpuncheshiminthenose.Theburlyguarddoes
notreact.Homerthinksforasecond,thenpunches
EvanConoverinthenose.Conovercrumplestothe
ground.
EVANCONOVER
(EFFEMINATEWHINE)

AstheguardbendsdowntoexamineConover,Homer
makesabreakforitanddashestowardsBart.The
legislatorscheerwildlyandhoistbeersasthe
booterrearsbackforhisfirstmightykick.Just
then,Homerlungesintoframeandripshisbootoff
theman'ssmall,daintybarefootswingssoftlyinto
Bart.
BOOTER
Ow!
ALLLEGISLATORS
(OUTRAGEDUPROAR)

SeveralguardsandlegislatorsrushHomer,buthe
keepsthematbaybybrandishingtheboot.The
guardsimmediatelydroptheirgunsandraisetheir
handsinsurrender.HomergrabsthePrimeMinister
andputsthebootuptotheman'shead.
HOMER
(DESPERATE)Staybackor
I'llbootyourPrime
Minister!I'lldoit!So
helpmeGod!

Severallegislatorsinasectionmarked"Opposition
Party"standupandcheer.
OPPOSITIONPARTY
Here,here!Doit!Doit!
PRIMEMINISTER
(DEFIANT,TOHOMER)You
realizeyou'vegotnowhere
torun.We'reanisland
nation.
OPPOSITIONPARTY
MEMBER
(TOP.M.)We'reabloody
continent,yaboof!
HOMER
(ANNOYEDGRUNT,THEN:)No,
waitwoohoo!(WARCRY)
RunbacktoAmerica,boy!
Backtotheembassy!

Bart,stillinmanacles,dartsout.Homerinches
backwardstowardthedoor,holdingthePrime
Minister.
HOMER(CONT'D)
Andyou,youAustralians,
whenwillyoulearnthat
corporalpunishmentisn't
theanswer?Modernnations
don'trelyonoutdated
conceptslike(DERISIVE)
"discipline"and"morality"
theyrelyonhip,trendy
conceptslikemollycoddling
andpermissivenesstherapy.
Embracethese,gentlemen,
andyou'llraisefree
spiritedchildrenwhoaren't
afraidtoinsultstrangers
inpublicanddivorcetheir
parentsiftheyfeellike
it!Remember,astheold
sayinggoes,youmustspare
therod,andspoilthe
child.Farewell.

Homerchucksthebootoutawindowandrunsaway.

EXT.PARLIAMENTHOUSECONTINUOUS

Intheparkingspacemarked"RESERVEDFORPRIME
MINISTER,"weseeabeatupVWbug.Thegiantboot
fallsintoframeandcompletelycrushesthecar.

EXT.PARLIAMENTHOUSEFRONTSTEPSTHATMINUTE

HomerandBartchargeawayfromtheParliament.The
PrimeMinisterandseverallegislatorsandguards
burstoutofthedoorsandfollowthem.Aguard
pullsaboomerangoutofhisholster,takesaimat
Bart,andthrowsit.ItskimsoverBart'shead,
takingoffafewofhisspikes.Bartstopstopick
themup.
HOMER
Notime,boy!Run!

HomeryanksBartoff.

EXT.DOWNTOWNSTREETFIVEMINUTESLATER

TheAustralianspursueHomerandBartdownthe
street.Thered,sweatyPrimeMinisterrudely
shovesbystandersoutofthewayashehuffsand
puffsalong.Afewyardsbehind,thebootertries
tokeepupwhileawkwardlyrunninginhishugeboot.

ANGLEONBART&HOMER

Bartseesapairofkangarooscrossingthestreet
justupahead.
BART
Hey!Justwhatweneedfor
aquickgetaway!

Bartrunsuptooneofthekangaroosandstarts
gettingintoitspouch.Wehearahorriblesquishy
sound.Hetakeshislegout,andit'sdripping
withmucusygoo.
BART(CONT'D)
(WINCING)Ewww.Gross.
Forgetthis.
HOMER
Ihearya.

WIDENTOREVEALHomerwiththesecondkangaroo.His
armiscoveredwithmucus,andtwosnarlingbaby
kangaroosaregnawingonhishand.Heshakesthem
looseandrunsoffwithBart.

EXT.GIFTSHOPDOWNTOWNSTREETTHATMINUTE

Afestivesignsays"SouthO'TheEquatorGift
Shoppe,"(alaSouthoftheBorder.)Below,another
signreads"PedroSez:
Eet'sHighKoalaty!"

INT.GIFTSHOPCONTINUOUS

Lisastandsbyadisplayofmusicalinstruments,
playingasoulfuljazzriffonadidgeridoo.Marge
(holdingMaggie)browsesthroughthesouvenirs.
MARGE
Oh,thiswillbeanicegift
forGrampa.

ShepullsoutaTshirtthatreads"BUGGEROFF
I'MRETIRED!"
LISA
Mom,yousaidIcouldhave
onesouvenir,right?Iwant
adidgeridoo.
MARGE
(DUBIOUSMURMUR)Thatseems
verynoisyandexpensivefor
asouvenir.Whydon'tyou
getthisnicecap?

Thelousylookingbaseballcapsays"POBODY'S
NERFECTinAustralia."
MARGE(CONT'D)
(SELLINGIT)It'sclever,
justlikeyou.

Lisarollshereyes.Then,theshopkeeperwalks
pastthem,shooingseveralbullfrogsoutofthe
storewithabroom.
BULLFROGS
(EXCITEDCROAKS)
SHOPKEEPER
(AUSTRALIAN)Thesebloody
things'reeverywhere!
They'reinthelift,inthe
lorry,inthebonwizzit,and
alloverthe
malongagoolachuck...
TEENAGECLERK
(SQUEAKYAUSTRALIAN)
They'relikekangaroos,but
they'rereptiles,theyis.
MARGE
WehavetheminAmerica.
They'recalledbullfrogs.
TEENAGECLERK
At'sanoddname.I'da
calledthem"chuzzwuzzers."

Lisaconsultsherguidebook.
LISA
That'sfunny.Theguidebook
saysAustraliadoesn'thave
bullfrogsordiseasesthat
killbullfrogs.

Inthedistance,wehearthesoundofforeignpolice
sirens.Suddenly,Bartchargespastthestore
windowinhismanacles.
BART
(DOPPLERYELL)Liiiiisa!

Asplitsecondlater,Homerfollows.
HOMER
(DOPPLERYELL)Maaarge!

MargeandLisalookateachother,veryconcerned.

SMASHCUTTO:

EXT.STREETTENSECONDSLATER

TheentireSimpsonfamilyrunsdownthestreet,with
themobinhotpursuit.
LISA
SoIassumetheapology
didn'tgowell?
BART
Notgreat.Howwasthe
sightseeing?
LISA
Meh.

EXT.EMBASSYCONTINUOUS

Theambassadorsitsoutsidedrinkinglemonadeand
reading.Hehearsallthecommotionandlooksupto
seetheSimpsonssprintingtowardstheembassy
followedbyangryAustraliansandpolicecars.
AMBASSADOR
Oh,forcryingoutloud.
They'recomingback.

Herunsoverandstartsfranticallytryingtopull
thegateshutbeforetheSimpsonscangetin.
Marge,Maggie,andLisasqueezepasthimandrun
ontotheembassygrounds.HomerandBartmakeit
partwaythroughthegate(justenoughsotheirfeet
areonU.S.soil),buttheambassadorblocksthem.
HetriestokickandshoveBartandHomerbackinto
Australia,buttheywon'tbudge.
AMBASSADOR(CONT'D)
Please,Mr.Simpson!Go
away!IthinkIspeakfor
theentireUnitedStates
whenIsaywe'resickof
you!
HOMER
(BEINGKICKED)Ihavethe
rightooftobeugha
jerk!I'moofan
American!
BART
You'reviolatingourcivil
rights,man!
LISA
Andevenwekidsknowthat
civilrightsviolationscan
translateintohugecash
settlements.
AMBASSADOR
(SIGHOFDEFEAT)Fine.
Comein...

Thesentrylockstheembassygatejustasthe
Australiansarrive.Theypressupagainstthegate
inanangry,shoutingmass.
AMBASSADOR(CONT'D)
Justdon'tmakethe
situationanyworse.
BART&HOMER
U.S.A.!U.S.A.!U.S.A.!

BartandHomerstartdancingaroundandtauntingthe
Australians.

INT.EMBASSYVISITORSQUARTERSTHATNIGHT

Outsidethewindow,atiredHomerisstilldancing
around.
HOMER
U....S....(YAWN)A.

LisalooksoutsideasMargeusesahairpintopick
thelockonBart'smanacles.
LISA
Well,it'sofficiallya
siege.Theycan'tcomein,
andwecan'tgoout.If
Kennedywerestill
President,hecouldfix
this.(BEAT)Or,Johnson
orNixonorFord,Carter,
ReaganorBush...(SIGH)
MARGE
Ican'tbelieveour
governmentwouldsetupBart
likethat.Imustsay,I'm
veryangryattheState
Departmentrightnow.
BART
Thishasbeenveryupsetting
forme.Imightbeseverely
traumatizedifanyoneever
triedtopunishmeagain.
Ever.
MARGE
Iunderstand.Wewon't
punishyouanymore.

MargehugsBart.HestickshistongueoutatLisa.
LISA
Mommm!He'strickingyou.
Nexthe'llbeclaiminghe
hasposttraumaticstress
disorder.
BART
No.(FAKECOUGH)ButI
thinkI'mcomingdownwith
theStockholmSyndrome.
MARGE
Oh,dear.Webettergetyou
intobed.Lisa,getyour
brotheraglassofwater.

Lisagrumblesandgoesintothebathroom.Whenshe
turnsonthetap,nothingcomesout.
LISA
Uhoh.TheAustraliansmust
haveshutoffthewater.
Next,they'llprobably

Theelectricitysuddenlyshutsoff,andwehearthe
lowgroanofturbinesshuttingdown.Thefamily
standsinthedark,onlytheireyeballsvisible.
LISA(CONT'D)
Actually,Iwasgoingtosay
"bombarduswithheavymetal
music."

Earsplittingheavymetalmusicinstantlystarts
blaringfromoutside.

EXT.EMBASSYVERYLATETHATNIGHT

Theheavymetalcontinues.TheAustralians(wearing
protectiveheadsets)standoutsidethegateswitha
setofenormous,pulsatingspeakers.ThePrime
Ministerholdsupasignsaying"SENDOUTTHEBOY."
Anotherguyholdsupabannerreading"Thissiege
sponsoredby101.5FM'MetalMania'andDuffLager."

INT.EMBASSYVISITORSQUARTERSCONTINUOUS

Inthemoonlitroom,thecamerapanspastHomer,
Marge,Lisa,andMaggie,allofwhomarelyingawake
withdarkcirclesundertheireyes.Thecamera
continues,torevealadelightedBartplayingair
guitartothemusic.

EXT.EMBASSYTHENEXTDAY

[NOTE:Afewbullfrogshoppastinthebackground
duringeachofthefollowingscenes.]TheSimpsons,
EvanConover,andtheAmbassadorsitoutsideata
picnictable.Everyonelookshaggard,andthemen
areunshaven.Besidethem,aMarinecooksfoodona
barbequegrill.
EVANCONOVER
Idon'tthinkwecanlastin
heremuchlonger.Our
suppliesarerunningout.
AMBASSADOR
Ithoughtwehadtwoweeks
worthoffoodinthe
freezer.

TheybothlookaccusinglyatHomer,whoiseating
foodoffthegrillasquicklyastheMarinecanput
iton.
HOMER
Putanothershrimponthe
barbie.(GULP)Putanother
shrimponthebarbie.
(GULP)

EXT.EMBASSYFRONTGATEALITTLELATER

ConoverandtheAmbassadorarguewiththePrime
Ministerthroughthegate.
PRIMEMINISTER
YouYanksthinkyou'reso
flippin'superior,whatwith
yourpavedhighwaysand
publiclibraries,butwe'd
likeabitofrespect,too,
wewould.Sohandoverthe
bloodyboy!
AMBASSADOR
Wecannotturnoveran
Americancitizenwithouthis
consent.It'sthelaw.
EVANCONOVER
Andunfortunately,our
Constitutiondoesnot
specificallyexcludethe
Simpsons.(BEAT)Yet.
AMBASSADOR
Perhapstheboywouldagree
toalesserpunishment.
PRIMEMINISTER
(CONSIDERSTHIS)Well,all
right...Butit'sgotto
includearumpkicking.

INT.EMBASSYVISITORSQUARTERSMINUTESLATER

TheAmbassadorandConoversitwithBart.
AMBASSADOR
Bart,areyoufamiliarwith
theterm"patrioticduty?"
BART
Yeah.That'swhenthe
governmentwantssomething
fornothing.
AMBASSADOR
(DEEPBREATH)Well,not
"nothing"exactly.You'd
gettogohomeandputthis
wholeunpleasantaffair
behindyou.
BART
(DUBIOUS)Whatdoyouwant
metodo?
EVANCONOVER
ThePrimeMinisterjust
wantstokickyouonce.
Throughthegate.
BART
Witharegularsizedshoe?
AMBASSADOR
Yes.Ibelieveit'sawing
tip.
BART
Dadhasthose.Theydon't
hurtatall.(BEAT)Okay.
I'lldoit.

EXT.EMBASSYAFEWMINUTESLATER

EveryonewatcheshopefullyasBartstridestoward
thegatewithalookofbravedetermination.
LISA
Thankyou,Bart.Ipromise
Iwon'tmakefunofyou
laterforthis.
HOMER
Show'emwhatAmericanbutts
aremadeof,son!

ThecrowdfallssilentasBartapproaches.The
PrimeMinistereagerlybuffshisshoein
anticipation.WhenBartgetsclosetothefence,he
turnsbackwardssohisrearisfacingthePrime
Minister.
PRIMEMINISTER
That'sit,lad.(DRAMATIC)
ThisisfortheCommonwealth
ofAustralia.

ThePrimeMinisterswingshisfootbackforthe
kick.Justthen,Bartstepsaway,outofkicking
range.
BART
AndthisisfortheUnited
StatesofAmerica.

Bartdropshispants,bendsover,andmoonsthe
PrimeMinister.Onhisnakedbuttiswritten"DON'T
TREADONME."
BART(CONT'D)
(HUMS"THESTARSPANGLED
BANNER")
AUSTRALIANS
(ROAROFOUTRAGE)
PRIMEMINISTER
Stormtheembassy,men!

TheAustraliansstartbreakingdownthefence.The
Simpsonsandembassypersonnelfleebackinside.

EXT.EMBASSYROOFTOPAMINUTELATER

AlltheAmericansaregatheredupontheroofasthe
Australianssmashthroughdownbelow.AU.S.
militarytransporthelicopterfliesovertheembassy
andsetsdownontheroof.
MARGE
I'mgladyou'reokay,butI
wishyou'dchosenamore
tastefulwaytobe
patriotic.
LISA
I'mimpressedthatyouwere
abletowritesolegiblyon
yourownbutt.
BART
Thanks.Ipracticealotin
school.

TwoembassyMarinessolemnlylowertheAmerican
flag,carefullyfolditup,andtossitintoa
nearbygarbagecan.Then,inashotreminiscentof
thefallofSaigon,theSimpsonsandembassystaff
climbupthestepsandboardthehelicopter.It
takesoff.

EXT.EMBASSYCONTINUOUS

ThehelicopterfliesovertheAustralianmobonthe
embassygrounds.
PRIMEMINISTER
Allright,mates!Let'em
haveit!

Theybarragethehelicopterwithafusilladeof
emptybeercans.

INT.HELICOPTERCONTINUOUS

Homerturnstothepilot.
HOMER
Hey,dowegettolandonan
aircraftcarrier?
PILOT
No,sir.Theclosestvessel
istheU.S.S.Walter
Mondale.It'salaundry
ship.They'lltakeyouthe
restoftheway.
LISA
IworrythatI'mgoingto
haveahardtimeforgetting
thistrip.

Bartlooksoutthewindow.
BART
IthinkAustraliamighthave
thesameproblem.

EXT.EMBASSYCONTINUOUS

Asthesoundofthehelicopterfadesaway,itis
replacedbythethunderouscroakingofthousandsof
bullfrogs.Manyfrogshopintoframe,andthe
Australianslookworried.
PRIMEMINISTER
(ANGRY,TOFROGS)Iassume
oneofyoubelongstoBart
Simpson?
BULLFROG
(NONCOMMITTALRIBBIT)

FADEOUT:

THEEND