CanIgetyouanythingelse,Zebulis?Iasked.Moremashedpotatoes?

Thetinyturquoisemanthrewuphishandsinsurrender.
Oh,Martha,pleasecallmeZeb,hesaid.AndnoIsimplycouldnt,butthankyoufromthe
bottomofmyhearts.
ToZebsleft,Rolandslammedhisfistintothetableandguffawed.
Youhearthat,Martha?hesaid,fragmentsofmeatloafwhizzingoutofhismouth.Hearts!
Likehegotmorethanoneorsomething!
Twentythree,ifyoucanbelieveit.Eachaboutthesizeofagrape,Zebsaid.Butnowhere
nearastasty.
Bothofthemburstoutlaughingatthat.TherewassomethingwrongwithZebslaughter,I
thought.Itwasshrillandmeasured,almostlikehepracticedit.Maybehedid.Maybehiskinddidnt
havesuchathingaslaughter.Thatfrightenedmeforsomereason.Istartedclearingthedishesoffthe
table.
Hon,isntZebariot?Rolandasked.WhenIdidntrespond,hestoodupandplacedahand
onmyshoulder.Youfeelingokay,Martha?Howcomeyouarenttalkingmuch?
Imjusttired,Roland.Rickygavemeahardtimeaboutpracticingpiano,andthenIcouldnt
getEmmadownforanap.Longday,thatsall.
Thiswasonlyhalfofit,butIhopedRolandwouldbeabletofillintherest.Therestwasthatit
wasentirelyrudeofhimtoinviteaspacealienoverthreehoursafterIhadputdinnerawaywithout
consultingmeandthereforeruiningtheonlypeacefulfamilymealwewerelikelytoenjoythatweek.
Aw,baby,justthrowallthatinthesinkandhaveaseatwithmeandZeb.No,Rolandwas
completelyoblivious.IsatdownacrossfromZeb,andheshotmeaprecisesmile,revealingrowsof
sharkliketeeth.Rolandcalledfromthefreezer,Martha,didyougeticecream?Icouldaswornwe
hadsomemintchocolatechip,butImnotseeing
Roland!AsIsaid,Imcompletelystuffed,Zebsaid.Heclaspedhisthreefingeredhandsto
hismidsection.Sitbackdown.Letstalk.
Rolandsatdownnexttome,andIgotastrongwhiffofsweatandwhiskey.Heputhisarm
aroundmeandwhisperedinmyear.
Honey,Zebsgotalittlebusinessventurehewantsustoconsider,anditsgonnasoundcrazy,
butIthinkitsdefinitelyworththinkingabout.Sohearhimout,okay?
Idontwanttohearawordaboutabusinessventureuntilyouexplainwhyyoucomebarreling
inherethreehourslatewithanouterspacealien,Roland!Iwaslosingmytemperabit,butreallythis
informationshouldvebeenofferedtomesometimeago.Instead,RolandandZebhadburstthrough
thedoorlikeWednesdaywasNationalBringAMartiantoDinnerDay.
Rolandseyeswidenedatthewordalien.Sweetie,IknowyouarentfamiliarwithZebs
culture,butyououghtaknowthatalienhas,uh,whatwasit,Zeb?Negativecommotations?
Itsquitealright,Roland.Marthameansnothingbyit,Zebsaid.Ifindmyselfintriguedbythe
aforementionedicecream.Ivehadmyauxiliarystomachworkingovertime,andIbelieveIcouldcram
abitin.
Igotupandfetchedtheicecream,whichhadbeenrightunderRolandsnose.IlovedRoland,
buttherewasnodenyingthemanwas,inmymotherswords,thickerthanbroccolisoup.
Thinkyoucouldfixmeascoopandahalfwhileyoureup?Rolandasked,twistingaroundin
hischair.
Ifilledtwobowlswithicecreamandreturnedtothetable.
Thebothofyouaretookind,Zebsaid.Hetookabiteoficecreamandsighedcontentedly.
Myearthlingfoodexperiencethusfarhasbeensimplyoutofthisworld.
Hewinkedtheoversizedthirdeyenestledinhisforehead,andRolandchuckled.
Healwaysgetsmewiththat,Martha.Didyouseeit?
Enoughpleasantriesfornow,Ithink,Zebsaid.Heateonemorespoonfulofmintchocolate
chipandnudgedhisicecreamaside.Imiscalculatedontheicecream.Anyway,wedoowegracious
Marthaanexplanation.AcouplefriendsfrommyhomeworldandIarevacationinghereonEarth.
Wevebeenlivingoutofourspaceship,translocatingbovinaewithourtractorbeam,andinscribing
titillatingmessagesinwheat.AstripstoEarthgo,ourshasbeenriddledwithclichs,butwearehavinga
wonderfultime.
Right,right,andTomandIwerefinishingupatMrs.Creasonsplace.Shesgotthatwashing
machinethatkeepsfloodinghergarage.Itoldyouthatright?Rolandhadnottoldmethat.Turnedout
tobeanalldayjob,andattheend,shewassograteful,Mrs.Creason,shegaveuseachanextrafifty,
andTomssayingweoughtagotothebar.Ithink,fine,Illhaveonedrink.IthinkIleftyouamessage
aboutthat,honey.
Rolandhadnotleftmeamessageeither.Hestuffedhismouthwithicecreamandcontinued.
Thenwegetthere,andTomwantstobethisfiftyonagameofpool,andhesasucker,
becauseyouknowhowIamatpool.Istomphimwiththreestripestospare.NowIvegotahundred
dollars!Ivegottabeagoodsport,soIgetTomadrink,andwestarthavingagreattimeandchatting
uptheotherpatrons,soIfigured,heck,Illgeteveryonearound.
Iendedupabitsloshed,soIdecidedtowalkhometobesafe,becauseImalwayssafe,and
thatshowImetZebhere!RolandelbowedZebplayfully.HeabductedmeMartha!
Justabducted!Zebwasquicktoadd.Thatsall.
Iburiedmyfaceinmyhands.
Youwalkedhome?WhyIwasfixatingonthisandnotthealienabduction,Ihadnoidea.
Whydidntyoucallacab?
Rolandtookadeepbreath.
Iboughteverybodyaround.Everybody.Inthebar.Rolandscratchedhisneck.Imactually
downabouttenbucksoverall,hesaid.
Roland,Idontknowwhattosaytoyou,Isaid.Ithinkweshouldjustturninfortonight.Im
beat.
Martha,Iknow,Iknow.IsaidIdbehome,andIwasnt.Yougottahearthisbusiness
venturethough,Rolandpleaded,hisfacecontortedindrunkensincerity.Itllmakeupforeverything,
especiallymynegativetenbucks.
Iclosedmyeyesandrubbedmyforehead.Whatsthebusinessventure,Roland?
Right,soIgetabducted,andatfirstImscaredouttamymind!Extraterrestrials!Spaceships!
Woah!ButImeetZeb,andhecalmsmedownandshowsmearoundtheship.Socool,bytheway.
ClassicUFO,rightoutofamovie.
Spawningdaypresentfrommyfather,Zebsaid,eyinghisicecreamagain.Werestoredit
together.
Itsawesome,Martha.Wehititoff,ZebandI,andthenhemakesmethisoffer.Itsreallyout
therebutpleaselisten,honey.Zeb,tellMarthatheoffer.
Zebflashedthatartificialsmileagain.
Certainly.Yousee,mycompanionsandIhaveaboutaweekleftonEarth.Wehavenoidea
whenwellreturntoyourdelightfulplanet.Maybenever!So,weweretalkingtheotherdayaboutthe
onethingwedreallylovetodobeforeweourtripends,andweunanimouslyagreedthatitwouldbe
somethingtrulyspecialtoprobeahuman.
Isatupstraightinmychairandadjustedmybathrobe.
Probe?
Honey.Darling.RememberwhatIsaid?Rolandpattedmyarm.JusthearZebout.
Youralarmisjustified,Martha.Wereactedthesamewaywhenwerealizedhumanswere
sentient.Itwasratherappalling,allthatunauthorizedprobingwedid.Mygovernmentoutlawediton
thespot,andIwasbehindthatrulingonehundredpercent.
Butontheotherhand,probinghasthisrich,storiedhistorybehindit,Zebcontinued.There
wasadreamy,farawaylookinhiseyes,exceptforthethirdone,whichdartedaroundfrantically.Its
aniconicpastimeamongmypeople,andIbelieveitholdssomeculturalsignificancetobothourspecies,
wouldntyouagree?
IdontfullyknowwhatIdbeagreeingto,Isaid.
ThenIllgettothepoint,Martha.IdlikeyouandRolandtobeourprobees,ifyouwill.
Whatdoesthatinvolve?
Firstoff,itinvolvesaquartermilliondollars.Wellsetyouupwithawealthydeadrelativeora
fortuitouslotteryticket.Everythingwillbeontheupandup,paymentwise.Theprobingitselfisvery
illegal,likeIsaid,butIdontseewhyweshouldletthatstopusifwemakearrangementsforpayment
andsetsomegroundrulesbeforehand.Itchecksoutmorally,formeatleast.
Butwhatisprobingexactly?Bringingusuponaspaceshipandpokingaround?Iwas
ashamedtoevenbeaskingthis,butsomehowthatquartermillioncutrightthroughtheabsurdityofthe
situation.Itwasabig,gleamingnumber,ripewithpossibility.
Tomaketheprobingexperienceasauthenticaswecanforallpartiesinvolved,wedpreferto
tellyouaslittleaspossible.Iwillsaythatwhateveryoureenvisioning,minusanybodilyharmor
discomfort,isprobablynotfaroff.Wewouldpickyouupinafield,takeyoutoashiny,featureless
roomfloodedwithlight,andadministerafirstrateprobing.
Rolandsqueezedmyshoulder.
Firstrate,honey!
Icouldnolongerholdthewholethinginmymind.Myimaginationwasshotandwouldentertain
neitherthesignificanceofaquartermilliondollarsnorthefinerpointsofprobing.Istoodup,spreadtin
foiloverthecoldmashedpotatoes,andstucktheminthefridge.
Goodnight,Isaidandclimbedthestairs.
Wellthinkaboutit,IheardRolandsaybehindme.
#
IcouldveprobablyjustletthealiensproposalgoifitwerentforRoland,who,asexpected,
absolutelycouldnot.Ifoundhiminthekitchenthenextmorning,preparingbreakfastfortheRickyand
Emmaandbattlingahangoverwithallhismight.
Martha!Sweetheart!hesaidwhenIenteredtheroom.Heplantedthreeloud,dramatickisses
onmyforehead,andthekidslaughed.Baby,IwasjusttellingthekidshowsorryIamaboutlastnight.
Imagrownmanwithresponsibilities,andIcantgooffandgetdrunkatthedropofahat.Youand
theserascalsdeservebetter.HetousledRickyshair.
IwishedIcouldappreciatehiswords,butIknewtheinsaneproposallurkedjustbeneaththem.
Nevertheless,IacceptedRolandsapologyandaburntstackofpancakes.HemadenomentionofZeb
orprobingandofferedtodropRickyoffatkindergartenonhiswaytowork.Rolandcouldbesweet
whenhewantedsomething.ItookEmmatorunsomeerrands.
HecalledduringhislunchbreakwhileEmmaandIwereatthesupermarket.Isetdownthe
nectarineIhadbeeninspectingandansweredwithasenseofdread.
Heyyou!Rolandsaid.Justcallingtoseeifyouhadthoughtaboutthatthinglastnightatall.
Thereisntmuchtothinkabout,ifyouaskme.Itstoodangeroustoevenconsider,honey.
Martha,RolandwhinedasifIhadjustcancelledtheSuperBowl.DidntyouhearwhatZeb
said?Noharmordiscomfort!
Baby,hesfromawholedifferentplanet.Doesheevenknowwhatsharmfultoahuman
being?Themanatthemeatcounteracoupleyardsawaygavemealook.Thisisntreallya
conversationfortheproduceaisle,Roland,Iadded.
Yeah,alright.Buthowaboutinsteadoffocusingsomuchontheprobingsideofthingsyou
takeamomenttoconsiderthatquartermillion.Holdthemupagainsteachother,andIthinkyoullfind
thatthequartermillionis,uh,more.Itsmoreworthit.Justthinkaboutwhatthatcouldmeanforusand
thekids.
Thesprinklershangingabovetheproduceaisleexpelledafinemist.IttickledEmmasface,and
shelaughedandclappedherchubbyhands.Igrabbedacouplemorethingsandhurriedthrough
checkout.
IbuckledEmmaintohercarseatandstartedpackinggroceriesintothetrunk.AsmuchasI
didntwantto,Iwasturningoverthatmassivesuminmyheadagain.Onceallthegrocerieswerein,I
hoppedintothedriversseatandlookedatEmmaintherearviewmirror,gurglingandkickingherfeet
andinnocuouslytryingtoshoveherarminhermouth,andIimaginedtwoseparatefuturesunfolding
aheadofher.Inbothfutures,shewaspursuingsomepure,beautifuldreamthatwarmedherparents
heartsdoctor,maybeandpursuingitwithallhermight.Oneofthosefutureswasfueledbya
plumberssalary,weigheddownbystudentdebt,andlitteredwithdisappointment.
TheotherfutureledEmmatothebestschoolsinthecountry.Isawhergraduatingatthetopof
herclass,becomingaskilledsurgeon,andmarryingafineyoungman,possiblyanotherdoctor,withall
herfathersroguishcharmandnoneofhisharebrainedscheming.
Maybethatdidntallfollow,buttherewasadefinitecontrasttherethatmademesicktomy
stomach.Ifearedtherewouldbealifetimeofregretoneithersideoftheequation.Irestedmyforehead
onthesteeringwheelandstayedlikethatforaminuteortwobeforestartingthecarandheadinghome.
Afewhourslater,asIwasonmywaytopickRickyupfromschool,Rolandtextedmesaying
hewasgoingtobringhometakeout.Exasperated,Iswitchedoffmyphone.Iwasgettingtiredofallthe
fawningandcajolingandwantednothingmorethantopretendthisludicrousofferhadneverenteredour
lives.Igotto,foralittlebit.Rolandwaltzedintothekitchenathalfpastsix,Chinesefoodinhand.We
ateandjoked,andRickyshowedusacrayondrawingofafoxhedmade.
Then,assoonasthekidswereinbed,Rolandenteredthebedroomwithaneagerlookonhis
face.
Well?
Wellwhat?Imademyselfperfectlyclearearliertoday.
Rolandletoutadeepbreathandranhishandsthroughhishair.
Itsoneprobing,Martha!Hereyougoagain,assumingsomethingyouknownothingaboutis
goingtobeawful.
Ohplease.Igoogledit,Roland.Idontunderstandhowyouthinkyoullbeabletolivewith
yourselfafteryouletabunchofalienscramlordknowswhatintolordknowswhere.
Rolandstormedout.Iheardthebathroomdoorslamandtheshowersputtertolife.Hereturned
afewminuteslaterandstoodinthedoorwaybrushinghisteeth.
Whatswaswrongwiththewaythingswere?Iasked.Wewerentdoingsobad.
Rolandstoppedbrushingandspokewithamouthfulloftoothpaste.
Wellwewerentdoinggreateither!Werelivinghandtomouthhere,Martha.Youknowthat.
Andletmemakeonethingclear,okay?Rolandsaid,gesticulatingwildlywithhistoothbrush.Thereis
nolimittothethingsIwillallowtobeinsertedintomybodyformychildren,andfrankly,Imalittle
disturbedthatImnotgettingthesamevibefromyou.
Fine!Iscreamed.Tellyourstupidalienstheycandowhateverthehelltheywant!
IlaydownandturnedawayfromRoland.Momentslater,heturnedoffthelights,andIfelthim
climbintobedbesideme.Eventually,Ifellasleep.
#
Zebinstructedustogooutfordinnerfollowedbyamoonlitwalkinanearbyfieldandgaveusa
loosetimetabletofollow.
Justkeepitcasual.Itsanormaldate!Havefun!hesaid.
IwantedtotellthealientherewasnothingnormalaboutgoingtoOutbackSteakhouseandthen
walkingthroughacornfieldatnineoclock,butIkeptmymouthshut,notwantingtowindRolandup
again.Ihadbecomenumbtothewholethingandnowconcentratedsolelyonthetwohundredandfifty
thousanddollarsandalltheheadachesitwouldextinguishfromourlives.
OnThursdayevening,wehiredasitteranddrovetoOutback,barelyspeakingthewholeway.
Rolandsuggestedwedressupabit.Isawnoreasonforit,butitwasanargumentIdidntfeellike
having.IworearedeveningdresswhileRolandsportedabrandnewbuttondownandtie.
Therewasatensionbetweenusthatremindedmeofourearlydates,butitwasrootedinterror
ratherthananunspokenexpectationofromance.Rolanddidntseemtonotice.
Imthinkingwetrynottoeattoomuch,hesaid,rufflingaroundinabloomingonion.Justin
casetheprobingupsetsourstomachs?MaybeZebcanhangontoourtogoboxeswhiletheyreatit.
Imsurehecan.
Ipretendedtobeengrossedinthemenu.Contrarytowhathedjustsaid,Rolandordereda
fullsizefrenchonionsoupandcrablegs.Ihadpasta.
Afterdinner,RolandandIdroveontoanearbyfreewayborderedbyanendlessfieldofcorn.
Wepulledovertothedustysideoftheroadandexitedthecar,electingtoleavethetogoboxesonthe
floorofthepassengerseat.
Itsgonnabeokay,youknow,Rolandsaid,buthedidntsoundsosureanymore.
IsaidnothingandtookRolandshand,andtogetherwewanderedintothedarkfield.
#
Wetrudgedthroughthecornforwhatfeltlikealongtime.Wetleavesbrushedagainstmylegs
andmyshoessankintothesoil.Theflashinglightsofthefreewayfadedinthedistance,andcorn
stretchedasfaraswecouldseeineverydirection.
Wherearethey,Roland?Itsgettinglate.
Theyllbehere.Anyminutenow.
Asifoncue,weheardanotherworldlyhum,growinglouderandlouderbythesecond.
Thatsthem,Rolandsaid.Hesqueezedmyhandtighter.
Amassive,glisteningshapedescendedonus.Moonlightswaminitsmetallicsurface.Thehum
grewdeafening,andtheworldvanishedinaburstofbluishlight.
Iawoke,naked,onasmooth,coldsurface.IsatupandsawRoland,alsonaked,lyingona
hovering,greyslabafewfeetaway.Itwashardtojudgedistance,orhoveringforthatmatter.Wewere
surroundedbyseeminglyinfinitewhitespacewithouttheslightestimplicationofwallsorfloor.
Shallwebegin?
Iturnedandsawthreebluealiensadvancingthroughtheblankness.Onecarriedarodthatsplit
offintodozensoftwitching,metalarmsattheend.Rolandwaved.
Heyfellas!
Wasnttalkingtoyou,Roland.Remainsilent,please.Forauthenticity,remember?
Rolandmadeazippingmotionacrosshislipsandgavemeathumbsup.Helaybackdownon
theslab.
Whatisthatthing?Iasked.
Pleasebequiet.Itsaprobingdevice,obviously.
IlaydownandtriedtothinkofRickyandEmmaandhowthismoneywasgoingtoprovide
themwitheverythingtheyneededfortherestoftheirlives.Analienleanedoverme,andIheardthe
probingdevicesominouswhir.
Needed,thoughneededorcouldneed?AllthethingsIanticipatedthemoneybringingonly
begantofeelcrucialwhentheybecamepossible.Somaybeneededwasnttherightword.Iquickly
threwtogetherthemostelaborate,idealizedversionofmylifeIcouldthinkof.
Isawanindulgentmansionwithapool,atenniscourt,and,Idontknow,atenniscourtpool.
Therewerecarsfancybrands,thenamesofwhichIdidntknowandroomsIneverevenentered,let
alonecleaned.
Inthisfuture,Rolandhadadifferentjob,somethinghighpaying.Ibrieflystruggledtothinkof
onebeforegivingupandmovingon.Ihadaninteriordecoratingblogwithadedicatedfollowing,and
thechildrenwereoffatesteemeduniversities,gettingexcellentgradesandvisitingfrequentlyintheirown
expensivecars.
ThenIbegantotakeitaway.Itookawaythepool,thetenniscourt,thecars.Itookaway
Rolandsmysteryjobandmadehimaplumberagain.Ishrankthemansiontothesizeofouractual
houseandthenkeptshrinkingit.ThenItookawayRolandsplumbingjob.Itookawayourbattered
minivanandRolandsbelovedCamry.Itookawayourhealth.
Andnoneofithurt.Itookeverythingawaybutusme,Roland,Ricky,andEmmaand
suddenlythatfeltlikeplenty.
Stop.Zebulis,stop.
Iwavedthealiensawayandsatupagain.
Zebulis?WhichoneofyouisZeb?Icanttellyouallapart.
Martha!Rolandsaid,appalled.
Oh,hush.Seriously,isoneofyouZeb?
Thealienholdingthebuzzingprobingdevicesighedandraisedhishand.
Yes,Martha?
Ichangedmymind.
Areyouserious?Rolandmoaned.Martha,Imjusttryingtodowhatsbestforus!
Wouldyoustopsayingstufflikethat?Whydoyoufeeltheneedtoconstantlyreassuremethat
youloveyourfamily?IwouldntbemarriedtoyouifIdidntknowthat.Youdonthavetoproveitto
me.
Ineedtoproveittome,hewhimpered.
Ithoughtforamoment.
Roland,youdontbecomeagoodhusbandandfatherbydoingonebigthing.Takewhatever
insane,giantlovemotivatesyoutodosomethinglikethisandsplititintothousandsofbitesizedpieces.
Then,giveusoneeveryday.Someday,whenwereoldandfat,wellbeabletolookbackandseeit
all.
Therewastensesilence.
Sonoprobingthen?oneofthealienssaid.
Imstillgame,Rolandsaid.
Zebgrimaced.
Imean,wecanworksomethingout,Roland,butIreallyhadmyheartssetonthepairofyou.
Foronce,Rolandaccuratelyassessedtheseriousnessofthesituationandsuppressedasmile.
Fiveawkwardminuteslater,thespaceshipreturnedtoEarthssurface,andthealiensdirected
metoaholeinthefloor.Ifloatedbackdowntothefieldonagreenishpillarofreducedgravity.My
dressandshoesfloateddownafterme.
Withaheavyheart,Iputmyclothesbackonandhikedbacktothecar.
#
Tomysurprise,RolandwasinthebathroomshavingwhenIwokeup.Iaskedafewgeneral
questions.Washeokay?Howdidhegethome?Hedidntwanttotalkaboutitandleftforwork.
Afewweekslater,RolandsGreatAuntWinnifreddiedandwereceivedacheckforfifty
thousanddollarsinthemail.Ithelpedabit.Wepaidoffsomebillsandstartedcollegefundsforthe
kids,andeverythingreturnedtonormal.
ButRolandwasdifferent.HenevertoldmewhathappenedafterIleftthespaceship,butfrom
thatdayforwardhewasneverlatetodinner.HechangedEmmasdiapersmoreoften,finallytaught
Rickytorideabike,andevendidthedisheseverynowandthen.
Ifiguredthatasthealienswereprobingwhateveritwastheyprobed,theywerealsoprobing
Rolandspriorities,hisideaofahappymarriage,andhisdefinitionofagoodfather.MaybewhatIsaid
playedaparttoo.Idontknow.
Intruth,IsupposeifIowethosealiensathankyou.Withoutthem,wemightneverhavelearned
thatrelationshipsareaboutthelittlethingsratherthanthebiggestures,thatevenpeoplewithnothingstill
havealottogiveeachother,andthat,allthingsconsidered,thebloomingonionisntworth7.29.