Neurotics build castles in the sky.

Psychotics live in them.

Psychiatrists collect the rent.
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A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.
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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay
on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you whic
h number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answ
er.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thi
ng you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your
ear.
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A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop t
hinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his
ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a
man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what
is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a
woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same questio
n, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a wo
man on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictu
res!"
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers an
d their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your
daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itsel
f in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is
Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whi
spered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. Af
ter an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, t
entatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you to
night!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopele
ssly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at h
im and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
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What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the m
orning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."
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A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," s
he pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed w
ith him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your
will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel
guilty and depressed afterward."
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A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man co
mes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around an
d the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off
, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men aske
d the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techin
iques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile bro
ke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long
stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that cli
nic?" ________________________________________
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say tha
t?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
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What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
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Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!
Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one w
ith a glass of water.
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Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a
madhouse.'"
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A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends
. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
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Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
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A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psycholog
ists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She r
eplied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."
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Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks lik
e he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withere
d.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other pe
ople's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man o
f me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"