GRAVEL

BY ALICE MUNRO
that time we were living beside a gravel pit. Not a large one hollowed o!t b" monster
ma#hiner" $!st a minor pit that a %armer m!st have made some mone" %rom "ears be%ore.
In %a#t the pit was shallow eno!gh to lead "o! to thin& that there might have been some
other intention %or it'%o!ndations %or a ho!se ma"be that never made it an" %!rther.
M" mother was the one who insisted on #alling attention to it. ()e live b" the old gravel
pit o!t the servi#e*station road+ she,d tell people and la!gh be#a!se she was so happ"
to have shed ever"thing #onne#ted with the ho!se the street'the h!sband'with the li%e
she,d had be%ore.
I barel" remember that li%e. -hat is I remember some parts o% it #learl" b!t witho!t the
lin&s "o! need to %orm a proper pi#t!re. All that I retain in m" head o% the ho!se in town
is the wallpaper with -edd" bears in m" old room. In this new ho!se whi#h was reall" a
trailer m" sister Caro and I had narrow #ots sta#&ed one above the other. )hen we %irst
moved there Caro tal&ed to me a lot abo!t o!r old ho!se tr"ing to get me to remember
this or that. It was when we were in bed that she tal&ed li&e this and generall" the
#onversation ended with me %ailing to remember and her getting #ross. .ometimes I
tho!ght I did remember b!t o!t o% #ontrariness or %ear o% getting things wrong I
pretended not to.
It was s!mmer when we moved to the trailer. )e had o!r dog with !s. Blit/ee. (Blit/ee
loves it here+ m" mother said and it was tr!e. )hat dog wo!ldn,t love to e0#hange a
town street even one with spa#io!s lawns and big ho!ses %or the wide*open #o!ntr"side1
.he too& to bar&ing at ever" #ar that went past as i% she owned the road and now and
then she bro!ght home a s2!irrel or a gro!ndhog she,d &illed. At %irst Caro was 2!ite
!pset b" this and Neal wo!ld have a tal& with her e0plaining abo!t a dog,s nat!re and
the #hain o% li%e in whi#h some things had to eat other things.
(.he gets her dog %ood+ Caro arg!ed b!t Neal said (.!ppose she didn,t1 .!ppose
someda" we all disappeared and she had to %end %or hersel%1+
(I,m not going to+ Caro said. (I,m not going to disappear and I,m alwa"s going to loo&
a%ter her.+
(Yo! thin& so1+ Neal said and o!r mother stepped in to de%le#t him. Neal was alwa"s
read" to get on the s!b$e#t o% the Ameri#ans and the atomi# bomb and o!r mother didn,t
thin& we were read" %or that "et. .he didn,t &now that when he bro!ght it !p I tho!ght he
was tal&ing abo!t an atomi# b!n. I &new that there was something wrong with this
interpretation b!t I wasn,t abo!t to as& 2!estions and get la!ghed at.
FROM THE ISSUE
BUY AS A PRINT
E-MAIL THIS
Neal was an a#tor. In town there was a pro%essional s!mmer theatre a new thing at the
time whi#h some people were enth!siasti# abo!t and others worried abo!t %earing that it
wo!ld bring in ri%%ra%%. M" mother and %ather had been among those in %avor m" mother
more a#tivel" so be#a!se she had more time. M" %ather was an ins!ran#e agent and
travelled a lot. M" mother had got b!s" with vario!s %!nd*raising s#hemes %or the theatre
and donated her servi#es as an !sher. .he was good*loo&ing and "o!ng eno!gh to be
mista&en %or an a#tress. .he,d beg!n to dress li&e an a#tress too in shawls and long
s&irts and dangling ne#&la#es. .he,d le%t her hair wild and stopped wearing ma&e!p. O%
#o!rse I had not !nderstood or even parti#!larl" noti#ed these #hanges at the time. M"
mother was m" mother. B!t no do!bt Caro had. And m" %ather. -ho!gh %rom all that I
&now o% his nat!re and his %eelings %or m" mother I thin& he ma" have been pro!d to see
how good she loo&ed in these liberating st"les and how well she %it in with the theatre
people. )hen he spo&e abo!t this time later on he said that he had alwa"s approved o%
the arts. I #an imagine now how embarrassed m" mother wo!ld have been #ringing and
la!ghing to #over !p her #ringing i% he,d made this de#laration in %ront o% her theatre
%riends.
)ell then #ame a development that #o!ld have been %oreseen and probabl" was b!t not
b" m" %ather. I don,t &now i% it happened to an" o% the other vol!nteers. I do &now
tho!gh I don,t remember it that m" %ather wept and %or a whole da" %ollowed m" mother
aro!nd the ho!se not letting her o!t o% his sight and re%!sing to believe her. And instead
o% telling him an"thing to ma&e him %eel better she told him something that made him
%eel worse.
.he told him that the bab" was Neal,s.
)as she s!re1
Absol!tel". .he had been &eeping tra#&.
)hat happened then1
M" %ather gave !p weeping. 3e had to get ba#& to wor&. M" mother pa#&ed !p o!r things
and too& !s to live with Neal in the trailer he had %o!nd o!t in the #o!ntr". .he said
a%terward that she had wept too. B!t she said also that she had %elt alive. Ma"be %or the
%irst time in her li%e tr!l" alive. .he %elt as i% she had been given a #han#e4 she had started
her li%e all over again. .he,d wal&ed o!t on her silver and her #hina and her de#orating
s#heme and her %lower garden and even on the boo&s in her boo&#ase. .he wo!ld live
now not read. .he,d le%t her #lothes hanging in the #loset and her high*heeled shoes in
their shoe trees. 3er diamond ring and her wedding ring on the dresser. 3er sil&
nightdresses in their drawer. .he meant to go aro!nd na&ed at least some o% the time in
the #o!ntr" as long as the weather sta"ed warm.
-hat didn,t wor& o!t be#a!se when she tried it Caro went and hid in her #ot and even
Neal said he wasn,t #ra/" abo!t the idea.
)hat did he thin& o% all this1 Neal. 3is philosoph" as he p!t it later was to wel#ome
whatever happened. Ever"thing is a gi%t. )e give and we ta&e.
I am s!spi#io!s o% people who tal& li&e this b!t I #an,t sa" that I have a right to be.
3e was not reall" an a#tor. 3e had got into a#ting he said as an e0periment. -o see what
he #o!ld %ind o!t abo!t himsel%. In #ollege be%ore he dropped o!t he had per%ormed as
part o% the #hor!s in (Oedip!s Re0.+ 3e had li&ed that'the giving "o!rsel% over
blending with others. -hen one da" on the street in -oronto he ran into a %riend who was
on his wa" to tr" o!t %or a s!mmer $ob with a new small*town theatre #ompan". 3e went
along having nothing better to do and ended !p getting the $ob while the other %ellow
didn,t. 3e wo!ld pla" Ban2!o. .ometimes the" ma&e Ban2!o,s ghost visible sometimes
not. -his time the" wanted a visible version and Neal was the right si/e. An e0#ellent
si/e. A solid ghost.
3e had been thin&ing o% wintering in o!r town an"wa" be%ore m" mother sprang her
s!rprise. 3e had alread" spotted the trailer. 3e had eno!gh #arpentr" e0perien#e to pi#&
!p wor& renovating the theatre whi#h wo!ld see him thro!gh till spring. -hat was as %ar
ahead as he li&ed to thin&.
Caro didn,t even have to #hange s#hools. .he was pi#&ed !p b" the s#hool b!s at the end
o% the short lane that ran alongside the gravel pit. .he had to ma&e %riends with the
#o!ntr" #hildren and perhaps e0plain some things to the town #hildren who had been her
%riends the "ear be%ore b!t i% she had an" di%%i#!lt" with that I never heard abo!t it.
Blit/ee was alwa"s waiting b" the road %or her to #ome home.
I didn,t go to &indergarten be#a!se m" mother didn,t have a #ar. B!t I didn,t mind doing
witho!t other #hildren. Caro when she got home was eno!gh %or me. And m" mother
was o%ten in a pla"%!l mood. As soon as it snowed that winter she and I b!ilt a snowman
and she as&ed (.hall we #all it Neal1+ I said O.5. and we st!#& vario!s things on it to
ma&e it %!nn". -hen we de#ided that I wo!ld r!n o!t o% the ho!se when his #ar #ame and
sa" (3ere,s Neal here,s Neal6+ b!t be pointing !p at the snowman. )hi#h I did b!t
Neal got o!t o% the #ar mad and "elled that he #o!ld have r!n me over.
-hat was one o% the %ew times that I saw him a#t li&e a %ather.
-hose short winter da"s m!st have seemed strange to me'in town the lights #ame on at
d!s&. B!t #hildren get !sed to #hanges. .ometimes I wondered abo!t o!r other ho!se. I
didn,t e0a#tl" miss it or want to live there again'I $!st wondered where it had gone.
M" mother,s good times with Neal went on into the night. I% I wo&e !p and had to go to
the bathroom I,d #all %or her. .he wo!ld #ome happil" b!t not in an" h!rr" with some
pie#e o% #loth or a s#ar% wrapped aro!nd her'also a smell that I asso#iated with
#andlelight and m!si#. And love.
.omething did happen that was not so reass!ring b!t I didn,t tr" to ma&e m!#h sense o%
it at the time. Blit/ee o!r dog was not ver" big b!t she didn,t seem small eno!gh to %it
!nder Caro,s #oat. I don,t &now how Caro managed to do it. Not on#e b!t twi#e. .he hid
the dog !nder her #oat on the s#hool b!s and then instead o% going straight to s#hool she
too& Blit/ee ba#& to o!r old ho!se in town whi#h was less than a blo#& awa". -hat was
where m" %ather %o!nd the dog on the winter por#h whi#h was not lo#&ed when he
#ame home %or his solitar" l!n#h. -here was great s!rprise that she had got there %o!nd
her wa" home li&e a dog in a stor". Caro made the biggest %!ss and #laimed not to have
seen the dog at all that morning. B!t then she made the mista&e o% tr"ing it again ma"be
a wee& later and this time tho!gh nobod" on the b!s or at s#hool s!spe#ted her o!r
mother did.
I #an,t remember i% o!r %ather bro!ght Blit/ee ba#& to !s. I #an,t imagine him in the
trailer or at the door o% the trailer or even on the road to it. Ma"be Neal went to the ho!se
in town and pi#&ed her !p. Not that that,s an" easier to imagine.
I% I,ve made it so!nd as tho!gh Caro was !nhapp" or s#heming all the time that isn,t the
tr!th. As I,ve said she did tr" to ma&e me tal& abo!t things at night in bed b!t she
wasn,t #onstantl" airing grievan#es. It wasn,t her nat!re to be s!l&". .he was %ar too &een
on ma&ing a good impression. .he li&ed people to li&e her4 she li&ed to stir !p the air in a
room with the promise o% something "o! #o!ld even #all merriment. .he tho!ght more
abo!t that than I did.
.he was the one who most too& a%ter o!r mother I thin& now.
-here m!st have been some probing abo!t what she,d done with the dog. I thin& I #an
remember some o% it.
(I did it %or a tri#&.+
(7o "o! want to go and live with "o!r %ather1+
I believe that was as&ed and I believe she said no.
I didn,t as& her an"thing. )hat she had done didn,t seem strange to me. -hat,s probabl"
how it is with "o!nger #hildren'nothing that the strangel" power%!l older #hild does
seems o!t o% the ordinar".
O!r mail was deposited in a tin bo0 on a post down b" the road. M" mother and I wo!ld
wal& there ever" da" !nless it was parti#!larl" storm" to see what had been le%t %or !s.
)e did this a%ter I got !p %rom m" nap. .ometimes it was the onl" time we went o!tside
all da". In the morning we wat#hed #hildren,s television shows'or she read while I
wat#hed. 8.he had not given !p reading %or ver" long.9 )e heated !p some #anned so!p
%or l!n#h then I went down %or m" nap while she read some more. .he was 2!ite big
with the bab" now and it stirred aro!nd in her stoma#h so that I #o!ld %eel it. Its name
was going to be Brand"'alread" was Brand"'whether it was a bo" or a girl.
One da" when we were going down the lane %or the mail and were in %a#t not %ar %rom
the bo0 m" mother stopped and stood 2!ite still.
(:!iet+ she said to me tho!gh I hadn,t said a word or even pla"ed the sh!%%ling game
with m" boots in the snow.
(I was being 2!iet+ I said.
(.h!sh. -!rn aro!nd.+
(B!t we didn,t get the mail.+
(Never mind. ;!st wal&.+
-hen I noti#ed that Blit/ee who was alwa"s with !s $!st behind or ahead o% !s wasn,t
there an"more. Another dog was on the opposite side o% the road a %ew %eet %rom the
mailbo0.
M" mother phoned the theatre as soon as we got home and let in Blit/ee who was
waiting %or !s. Nobod" answered. .he phoned the s#hool and as&ed someone to tell the
b!s driver to drive Caro !p to the door. It t!rned o!t that the driver #o!ldn,t do that
be#a!se it had snowed sin#e Neal last plowed the lane b!t he did wat#h !ntil she got to
the ho!se. -here was no wol% to be seen b" that time.
Neal was o% the opinion that there never had been one. And i% there had been he said it
wo!ld have been no danger to !s wea& as it was probabl" %rom hibernation.
Caro said that wolves did not hibernate. ()e learned abo!t them in s#hool.+
O!r mother wanted Neal to get a g!n.
(Yo! thin& I,m going to get a g!n and go and shoot a goddam poor mother wol% who has
probabl" got a b!n#h o% babies ba#& in the b!sh and is $!st tr"ing to prote#t them the
wa" "o!,re tr"ing to prote#t "o!rs1+ he said 2!ietl".
Caro said (Onl" two. -he" onl" have two at a time.+
(O.5. O.5. I,m tal&ing to "o!r mother.+
(Yo! don,t &now that+ m" mother said. (Yo! don,t &now i% it,s got h!ngr" #!bs or
an"thing.+
I had never tho!ght she,d tal& to him li&e that.
3e said (Eas". Eas". Let,s $!st thin& a bit. <!ns are a terrible thing. I% I went and got a
g!n then what wo!ld I be sa"ing1 -hat =ietnam was O.5.1 -hat I might as well have
gone to =ietnam1+
(Yo!,re not an Ameri#an.+
(Yo!,re not going to rile me.+
-his is more or less what the" said and it ended !p with Neal not having to get a g!n. )e
never saw the wol% again i% it was a wol%. I thin& m" mother stopped going to get the
mail b!t she ma" have be#ome too big to be #om%ortable doing that an"wa".
-he snow dwindled magi#all". -he trees were still bare o% leaves and m" mother made
Caro wear her #oat in the mornings b!t she #ame home a%ter s#hool dragging it behind
her.
M" mother said that the bab" had got to be twins b!t the do#tor said it wasn,t.
(<reat. <reat+ Neal said all in %avor o% the twins idea. ()hat do do#tors &now.+
-he gravel pit had %illed to its brim with melted snow and rain so that Caro had to edge
aro!nd it on her wa" to #at#h the s#hool b!s. It was a little la&e still and da//ling !nder
the #lear s&". Caro as&ed with not m!#h hope i% we #o!ld pla" in it.
O!r mother said not to be #ra/". (It m!st be twent" %eet deep+ she said.
Neal said (Ma"be ten.+
Caro said (Right aro!nd the edge it wo!ldn,t be.+
O!r mother said "es it was. (It $!st drops o%%+ she said. (It,s not li&e going in at the
bea#h %or %!#&,s sa&e. ;!st sta" awa" %rom it.+
.he had started sa"ing (%!#&+ 2!ite a lot perhaps more than Neal did and in a more
e0asperated tone o% voi#e.
(.ho!ld we &eep the dog awa" %rom it too1+ she as&ed him.
Neal said that that wasn,t a problem. (7ogs #an swim.+
A .at!rda". Caro wat#hed (-he >riendl" <iant+ with me and made #omments that
spoiled it. Neal was l"ing on the #o!#h whi#h !n%olded into his and m" mother,s bed. 3e
was smo&ing his &ind o% #igarettes whi#h #o!ld not be smo&ed at wor& so had to be
made the most o% on wee&ends. Caro sometimes bothered him as&ing to tr" one. On#e he
had let her b!t told her not to tell o!r mother.
I was there tho!gh so I told.
-here was alarm tho!gh not 2!ite a row.
(Yo! &now he,d have those &ids o!t o% here li&e a shot+ o!r mother said. (Never again.+
(Never again+ Neal said agreeabl". (.o what i% he %eeds them poison Ri#e 5rispies
#rap1+
In the beginning we hadn,t seen o!r %ather at all. -hen a%ter Christmas a plan had been
wor&ed o!t %or .at!rda"s. O!r mother alwa"s as&ed a%terward i% we had had a good time.
I alwa"s said "es and meant it be#a!se I tho!ght that i% "o! went to a movie or to loo& at
La&e 3!ron or ate in a resta!rant that meant that "o! had had a good time. Caro said "es
too b!t in a tone o% voi#e that s!ggested that it was none o% o!r mother,s b!siness. -hen
m" %ather went on a winter holida" to C!ba 8m" mother remar&ed on this with some
s!rprise and ma"be approval9 and #ame ba#& with a lingering sort o% %l! that #a!sed the
visits to lapse. -he" were s!pposed to res!me in the spring b!t so %ar the" hadn,t.
A%ter the television was t!rned o%% Caro and I were sent o!tside to r!n aro!nd as o!r
mother said and get some %resh air. )e too& the dog with !s.
)hen we got o!tside the %irst thing we did was loosen and let trail the s#arves o!r
mother had wrapped aro!nd o!r ne#&s. 8-he %a#t was tho!gh we ma" not have p!t the
two things together the deeper she got into her pregnan#" the more she slipped ba#& into
behaving li&e an ordinar" mother at least when it was a matter o% s#arves we didn,t need
or reg!lar meals. -here was not so m!#h #hampioning o% wild wa"s as there had been in
the %all.9 Caro as&ed me what I wanted to do and I said I didn,t &now. -his was a
%ormalit" on her part b!t the honest tr!th on mine. )e let the dog lead !s an"wa" and
Blit/ee,s idea was to go and loo& at the gravel pit. -he wind was whipping the water !p
into little waves and ver" soon we got #old so we wo!nd o!r s#arves ba#& aro!nd o!r
ne#&s.
I don,t &now how m!#h time we spent $!st wandering aro!nd the water,s edge &nowing
that we #o!ldn,t be seen %rom the trailer. A%ter a while I reali/ed that I was being given
instr!#tions.
I was to go ba#& to the trailer and tell Neal and o!r mother something.
-hat the dog had %allen into the water.
-he dog had %allen into the water and Caro was a%raid she,d be drowned.
Blit/ee. 7rownded.
7rowned.
B!t Blit/ee wasn,t in the water.
.he #o!ld be. And Caro #o!ld $!mp in to save her.
I believe I still p!t !p some arg!ment along the lines o% she hasn,t "o! haven,t it #o!ld
happen b!t it hasn,t. I also remembered that Neal had said dogs didn,t drown.
Caro instr!#ted me to do as I was told.
)h"1
I ma" have said that or I ma" have $!st stood there not obe"ing and tr"ing to wor& !p
another arg!ment.
In m" mind I #an see her pi#&ing !p Blit/ee and tossing her tho!gh Blit/ee was tr"ing to
hang on to her #oat. -hen ba#&ing !p Caro ba#&ing !p to ta&e a r!n at the water.
R!nning $!mping all o% a s!dden h!rling hersel% at the water. B!t I #an,t re#all the so!nd
o% the splashes as the" one a%ter the other hit the water. Not a little splash or a big one.
?erhaps I had t!rned toward the trailer b" then'I m!st have done so.
)hen I dream o% this I am alwa"s r!nning. And in m" dreams I am r!nning not toward
the trailer b!t ba#& toward the gravel pit. I #an see Blit/ee %lo!ndering aro!nd and Caro
swimming toward her swimming strongl" on the wa" to res#!e her. I see her light*brown
#he#&ed #oat and her plaid s#ar% and her pro!d s!##ess%!l %a#e and reddish hair dar&ened
at the end o% its #!rls b" the water. All I have to do is wat#h and be happ"'nothing
re2!ired o% me a%ter all.
)hat I reall" did was ma&e m" wa" !p the little in#line toward the trailer. And when I
got there I sat down. ;!st as i% there had been a por#h or a ben#h tho!gh in %a#t the trailer
had neither o% these things. I sat down and waited %or the ne0t thing to happen.
I &now this be#a!se it,s a %a#t. I don,t &now however what m" plan was or what I was
thin&ing. I was waiting ma"be %or the ne0t a#t in Caro,s drama. Or in the dog,s.
I don,t &now i% I sat there %or %ive min!tes. More1 Less1 It wasn,t too #old.
I went to see a pro%essional person abo!t this on#e and she #onvin#ed me'%or a time she
#onvin#ed me'that I m!st have tried the door o% the trailer and %o!nd it lo#&ed. Lo#&ed
be#a!se m" mother and Neal were having se0 and had lo#&ed it against interr!ptions. I%
I,d banged on the door the" wo!ld have been angr". -he #o!nsellor was satis%ied to bring
me to this #on#l!sion and I was satis%ied too. >or a while. B!t I no longer thin& that was
tr!e. I don,t thin& the" wo!ld have lo#&ed the door be#a!se I &now that on#e the" didn,t
and Caro wal&ed in and the" la!ghed at the loo& on her %a#e.
Ma"be I remembered that Neal had said that dogs did not drown whi#h meant that
Caro,s res#!e o% Blit/ee wo!ld not be ne#essar". -here%ore she hersel% wo!ldn,t be able
to #arr" o!t her game. .o man" games with Caro.
7id I thin& she #o!ld swim1 At nine man" #hildren #an. And in %a#t it t!rned o!t that
she,d had one lesson the s!mmer be%ore b!t then we had moved to the trailer and she
hadn,t ta&en an" more. .he ma" have tho!ght she #o!ld manage well eno!gh. And I ma"
indeed have tho!ght that she #o!ld do an"thing she wanted to.
-he #o!nsellor did not s!ggest that I might have been si#& o% #arr"ing o!t Caro,s orders
b!t the tho!ght did o##!r to me. It doesn,t 2!ite seem right tho!gh. I% I,d been older
ma"be. At the time I still e0pe#ted her to %ill m" world.
3ow long did I sit there1 Li&el" not long. And it,s possible that I did &no#&. A%ter a
while. A%ter a min!te or two. In an" #ase m" mother did at some point open the door
%or no reason. A presentiment.
Ne0t thing I am inside. M" mother is "elling at Neal and tr"ing to ma&e him !nderstand
something. 3e is getting to his %eet and standing there spea&ing to her to!#hing her with
s!#h mildness and gentleness and #onsolation. B!t that is not what m" mother wants at
all and she tears hersel% awa" %rom him and r!ns o!t the door. 3e sha&es his head and
loo&s down at his bare %eet. 3is big helpless*loo&ing toes.
I thin& he sa"s something to me with a singsong sadness in his voi#e. .trange.
Be"ond that I have no details.
M" mother didn,t throw hersel% into the water. .he didn,t go into labor %rom the sho#&.
M" brother Brent was not born !ntil a wee& or ten da"s a%ter the %!neral and he was a
%!ll*term in%ant. )here she was while she waited %or the birth to happen I do not &now.
?erhaps she was &ept in the hospital and sedated as m!#h as possible !nder the
#ir#!mstan#es.
I remember the da" o% the %!neral 2!ite well. A ver" pleasant and #om%ortable woman I
didn,t &now'her name was ;osie'too& me on an e0pedition. )e visited some swings
and a sort o% doll,s ho!se that was large eno!gh %or me to go inside and we ate a l!n#h o%
m" %avorite treats b!t not eno!gh to ma&e me si#&. ;osie was somebod" I got to &now
ver" well later on. .he was a %riend m" %ather had made in C!ba and a%ter the divor#e
she be#ame m" stepmother his se#ond wi%e.
M" mother re#overed. .he had to. -here was Brent to loo& a%ter and most o% the time
me. I believe I sta"ed with m" %ather and ;osie while she got settled in the ho!se that she
planned to live in %or the rest o% her li%e. I don,t remember being there with Brent !ntil he
was big eno!gh to sit !p in his high #hair.
M" mother went ba#& to her old d!ties at the theatre. At %irst she ma" have wor&ed as she
had be%ore as a vol!nteer !sher b!t b" the time I was in s#hool she had a real $ob with
pa" and "ear*ro!nd responsibilities. .he was the b!siness manager. -he theatre s!rvived
thro!gh vario!s !ps and downs and is still going now.
Neal didn,t believe in %!nerals so he didn,t attend Caro,s. 3e never saw Brent. 3e wrote
a letter'I %o!nd this o!t m!#h later'sa"ing that sin#e he did not intend to a#t as a %ather
it wo!ld be better %or him to bow o!t at the start. I never mentioned him to Brent be#a!se
I tho!ght it wo!ld !pset m" mother. Also be#a!se Brent showed so little sign o% being
li&e him'li&e Neal'and seemed in %a#t so m!#h more li&e m" %ather that I reall"
wondered abo!t what was going on aro!nd the time he was #on#eived. M" %ather has
never said an"thing abo!t this and never wo!ld. 3e treats Brent $!st as he treats me b!t
he is the &ind o% man who wo!ld do that an"wa".
3e and ;osie have not had an" #hildren o% their own b!t I don,t thin& that bothers them.
;osie is the onl" person who ever tal&s abo!t Caro and even she doesn,t do it o%ten. .he
does sa" that m" %ather doesn,t hold m" mother responsible. 3e has also said that he m!st
have been sort o% a sti#&*in*the*m!d when m" mother wanted more e0#itement in her li%e.
3e needed a sha&ing*!p and he got one. -here,s no !se being sorr" abo!t it. )itho!t the
sha&ing*!p he wo!ld never have %o!nd ;osie and the two o% them wo!ld not have been
so happ" now.
()hi#h two1+ I might sa" $!st to derail him and he wo!ld sta!n#hl" sa" (;osie. ;osie o%
#o!rse.+
M" mother #annot be made to re#all an" o% those times and I don,t bother her with them.
I &now that she has driven down the lane we lived on and %o!nd it 2!ite #hanged with
the sort o% trend" ho!ses "o! see now p!t !p on !nprod!#tive land. .he mentioned this
with the slight s#orn that s!#h ho!ses evo&e in her. I went down the lane m"sel% b!t did
not tell an"one. All the evis#erating that is done in %amilies these da"s stri&es me as a
mista&e.
Even where the gravel pit was a ho!se now stands the gro!nd beneath it levelled.
I have a partner R!thann who is "o!nger than I am b!t I thin& somewhat wiser. Or at
least more optimisti# abo!t what she #alls ro!ting o!t m" demons. I wo!ld never have got
in to!#h with Neal i% it had not been %or her !rging. O% #o!rse %or a long time I had no
wa" $!st as I had no tho!ght o% getting in to!#h. It was he who %inall" wrote to me. A
brie% note o% #ongrat!lations he said a%ter seeing m" pi#t!re in the Alumni Gazette. )hat
he was doing loo&ing thro!gh the Alumni Gazette I have no idea. I had re#eived one o%
those a#ademi# honors that mean something in a restri#ted #ir#le and little an"where else.
3e was living hardl" %i%t" miles awa" %rom where I tea#h whi#h also happens to be
where I went to #ollege. I wondered i% he had been there at that time. .o #lose. 3ad he
be#ome a s#holar1
At %irst I had no intention o% repl"ing to the note b!t I told R!thann and she said that I
sho!ld thin& abo!t writing ba#&. .o the !pshot was that I sent him an e*mail and
arrangements were made. I was to meet him in his town in the !nthreatening
s!rro!ndings o% a !niversit" #a%eteria. I told m"sel% that i% he loo&ed !nbearable'I did
not 2!ite &now what I meant b" this'I #o!ld $!st wal& on thro!gh.
3e was shorter than he !sed to be as ad!lts we remember %rom #hildhood !s!all" are.
3is hair was thin and trimmed #lose to his head. 3e got me a #!p o% tea. 3e was drin&ing
tea himsel%.
)hat did he do %or a living1
3e said that he t!tored st!dents in preparation %or e0ams. Also he helped them write their
essa"s. .ometimes "o! might sa" he wrote those essa"s. O% #o!rse he #harged.
(It,s no wa" to get to be a millionaire I #an tell "o!.+
3e lived in a d!mp. Or a semi*respe#table d!mp. 3e li&ed it. 3e loo&ed %or #lothes at the
.all" Ann. -hat was O.5. too.
(.!its m" prin#iples.+
I did not #ongrat!late him on an" o% this b!t to tell the tr!th I do!bt that he e0pe#ted me
to.
(An"wa" I don,t thin& m" li%e st"le is so interesting. I thin& "o! might want to &now
how it happened.+
I #o!ld not %ig!re o!t how to spea&.
(I was stoned+ he said. (And %!rthermore I,m not a swimmer. Not man" swimming
pools aro!nd where I grew !p. I,d have drowned too. Is that what "o! wanted to &now1+
I said that he was not reall" the one that I was wondering abo!t.
-hen he be#ame the third person I,d as&ed ()hat do "o! thin& Caro had in mind1+
-he #o!nsellor had said that we #o!ldn,t &now. (Li&el" she hersel% didn,t &now what she
wanted. Attention1 I don,t thin& she meant to drown hersel%. Attention to how bad she
was %eeling1+
R!thann had said (-o ma&e "o!r mother do what she wanted1 Ma&e her smarten !p and
see that she had to go ba#& to "o!r %ather1+
Neal said (It doesn,t matter. Ma"be she tho!ght she #o!ld paddle better than she #o!ld.
Ma"be she didn,t &now how heav" winter #lothes #an get. Or that there wasn,t an"bod"
in a position to help her.+
3e said to me (7on,t waste "o!r time. Yo!,re not thin&ing what i% "o! had h!rried !p
and told are "o!1 Not tr"ing to get in on the g!ilt1+
I said that I had #onsidered what he was sa"ing b!t no.
(-he thing is to be happ"+ he said. (No matter what. ;!st tr" that. Yo! #an. It gets to be
easier and easier. It,s nothing to do with #ir#!mstan#es. Yo! wo!ldn,t believe how good it
is. A##ept ever"thing and then traged" disappears. Or traged" lightens an"wa" and
"o!,re $!st there going along eas" in the world.+
Now goodb"e.
I see what he meant. It reall" is the right thing to do. B!t in m" mind Caro &eeps
r!nning at the water and throwing hersel% as i% in tri!mph and I,m still #a!ght waiting
%or her to e0plain to me waiting %or the splash.
DEEP-HOLES
.all" pa#&ed devilled eggs'something she !s!all" hated to ta&e on a pi#ni# be#a!se
the" were so mess". 3am sandwi#hes #rab salad lemon tarts'also a pa#&ing problem.
5ool*Aid %or the bo"s a hal% bottle o% M!mm,s %or hersel% and Ale0. .he wo!ld have $!st
a sip be#a!se she was still n!rsing. .he had bo!ght plasti# #hampagne glasses %or the
o##asion b!t when Ale0 spotted her handling them he got the real ones'a wedding
present'o!t o% the #hina #abinet. .he protested b!t he insisted and too& #harge o% them
himsel% the wrapping and pa#&ing.
(7ad is reall" a sort o% bourgeois gentilhomme+ 5ent wo!ld sa" to .all" a %ew "ears
later when he was in his teens and a#ing ever"thing at s#hool so s!re o% be#oming some
sort o% s#ientist that he #o!ld get awa" with spo!ting >ren#h aro!nd the ho!se.
(7on,t ma&e %!n o% "o!r %ather+ .all" said me#hani#all".
(I,m not. It,s $!st that most geologists seem so gr!bb".+
-he pi#ni# was in honor o% Ale0,s p!blishing his %irst solo paper in Zeitschrift fr
Geomorphologie. -he" were going to Osler Bl!%% be#a!se it %ig!red largel" in his
resear#h and be#a!se .all" and the #hildren had never been there.
-he" drove a #o!ple o% miles down a ro!gh #o!ntr" road'having t!rned o%% the highwa"
and then o%% a de#ent !npaved #o!ntr" road'and %o!nd a pla#e %or #ars to par& with no
#ars in it at present. A sign was painted on a board and needed reto!#hing@ (CAU-ION.
7EE?*3OLE..+
)h" the h"phen1 .all" tho!ght. B!t who #ares1
-he entran#e to the woods loo&ed 2!ite ordinar" and !nthreatening. .all" !nderstood o%
#o!rse that these woods were on top o% a high bl!%% and she e0pe#ted a da!nting loo&o!t
somewhere. .he did not e0pe#t the danger that had to be s&irted almost immediatel" in
%ront o% them.
7eep #hambers reall" some the si/e o% a #o%%in some m!#h bigger than that li&e rooms
#!t o!t o% the ro#&s. Corridors /ig/agging between them and %erns and mosses growing
o!t o% the walls. Not eno!gh greener" however to ma&e an" sort o% #!shion over the
r!bble below. -he path went meandering between them over hard earth and shelves o%
not 2!ite level ro#&.
(Oooeee+ #ame the #r" o% the bo"s 5ent and ?eter nine and si0 "ears old r!nning
ahead.
(No tearing aro!nd in here+ Ale0 #alled. (No st!pid showing o%% "o! hear me1 Yo!
!nderstand1 Answer me.+
-he" said O.5. and he pro#eeded #arr"ing the pi#ni# bas&et and apparentl" believing
that no %!rther %atherl" warning was ne#essar". .all" st!mbled a%ter him %aster than was
eas" %or her with the diaper bag and the bab" .avanna. .he #o!ldn,t slow down till she
had her sons in sight saw them trotting along ta&ing sidelong loo&s into the bla#&
#revasses still ma&ing e0aggerated b!t dis#reet noises o% horror. .he was nearl" #r"ing
with e0ha!stion and alarm and some %amiliar sort o% seeping rage.
FROM THE ISSUE
BUY AS A PRINT
E-MAIL THIS
-he loo&o!t did not appear !ntil the" had %ollowed the dirt*and*ro#& path %or what
seemed to her li&e hal% a mile and was probabl" a 2!arter mile. -hen there was a
brightening an intr!sion o% s&" and her h!sband halted ahead. 3e gave a #r" o% arrival
and displa" and the bo"s hooted with tr!e astonishment. .all" emerging %rom the woods
%o!nd them lined !p on an o!t#rop above the treetops'above several levels o% treetops
as it t!rned o!t'with the s!mmer %ields spread %ar below in a shimmer o% green and
"ellow.
As soon as she p!t .avanna down on her blan&et she began to #r".
(3!ngr"+ .all" said.
Ale0 said (I tho!ght she got her l!n#h in the #ar.+
(.he did. B!t she,s h!ngr" again.+
.he got .avanna lat#hed on to one side and with her %ree hand !n%astened the pi#ni#
bas&et. -his was not how Ale0 had envisioned things. B!t he gave a good*h!mored sigh
and retrieved the #hampagne glasses %rom their wrappings in his po#&ets pla#ing them on
their sides on a pat#h o% grass.
(<l!g gl!g. I,m thirst" too+ 5ent said and ?eter immediatel" imitated him.
(<l!g gl!g. Me too. <l!g gl!g.+
(.h!t !p+ Ale0 said.
5ent said (.h!t !p ?eter.+
Ale0 said to .all" ()hat did "o! bring %or them to drin&1+
(5ool*Aid in the bl!e $!g. -he plasti# glasses are in a nap&in on top.+
O% #o!rse Ale0 believed that 5ent had started that nonsense not be#a!se he was reall"
thirst" b!t be#a!se he was #r!del" e0#ited b" the sight o% .all",s breast. 3e tho!ght it
was high time that .avanna was trans%erred to the bottle'she was nearl" si0 months old.
And he tho!ght .all" was %ar too #as!al abo!t the whole pro#ed!re sometimes going
aro!nd the &it#hen doing things with one hand while the in%ant g!//led. )ith 5ent
snea&ing pee&s and ?eter re%erring to Momm",s mil& $!gs. -hat #ame %rom 5ent Ale0
said. 5ent was a tro!blema&er and the possessor o% a dirt" mind.
()ell I have to do things+ .all" said.
(-hat,s not one o% the things "o! have to do. Yo! #o!ld have her on the bottle tomorrow.+
(I will soon. Not 2!ite tomorrow b!t soon.+
B!t here she is still letting .avanna and the mil& $!gs dominate the pi#ni#.
-he 5ool*Aid is po!red then the #hampagne. .all" and Ale0 to!#h glasses with .avanna
between them. .all" has her sip and wishes she #o!ld have more. .he smiles at Ale0 to
#omm!ni#ate this wish and ma"be the idea that it wo!ld be ni#e to be alone with him.
3e drin&s his #hampagne and as i% her sip and smile were eno!gh to soothe him he
starts in on the pi#ni#. .he points o!t whi#h sandwi#hes have the m!stard he li&es and
whi#h have the m!stard she and ?eter li&e and whi#h are %or 5ent who li&es no m!stard
at all.
)hile this is going on 5ent manages to slip behind her and %inish !p her #hampagne.
?eter m!st have seen him do this b!t %or some pe#!liar reason he does not tell on him.
.all" dis#overs what has happened some time later and Ale0 never &nows abo!t it at all
be#a!se he soon %orgets that there was an"thing le%t in her glass and pa#&s it neatl" awa"
with his own while telling the bo"s abo!t dolostone. -he" listen pres!mabl" as the"
gobble !p the sandwi#hes and ignore the devilled eggs and #rab salad and grab the tarts.
7olostone Ale0 sa"s is the thi#& #apro#& the" #an see. Underneath it is shale #la"
t!rned into ro#& ver" %ine %ine*grained. )ater wor&s thro!gh the dolostone and when it
gets to the shale it $!st lies there4 it #an,t get thro!gh the thin la"ers. .o the erosion'
that,s the destr!#tion o% the dolostone'is #a!sed as the water wor&s its wa" ba#& to its
so!r#e eats a #hannel ba#& and the #apro#& develops verti#al $oints. 7o the" &now what
(verti#al+ means1
(Up and down+ 5ent sa"s la#&adaisi#all".
()ea& verti#al $oints and the" get to lean o!t and then the" leave #revasses behind them
and a%ter millions o% "ears the" brea& o%% altogether and go t!mbling down the slope.+
(I have to go+ 5ent sa"s.
(<o where1+
(I have to go pee.+
(Oh %or <od,s sa&e go.+
(Me too+ ?eter sa"s.
.all" #lamps her mo!th down on the a!tomati# in$!n#tion to be #are%!l. Ale0 loo&s at her
and approves o% the #lamping down. -he" smile %aintl" at ea#h other.
.avanna has %allen asleep her lips sla#& aro!nd the nipple. )ith the bo"s o!t o% the wa"
it,s easier to deta#h her. .all" #an b!rp her and settle her on the blan&et witho!t worr"ing
abo!t an e0posed breast. I% Ale0 %inds the sight distaste%!l'she &nows he disli&es the
whole #on$!n#tion o% se0 and no!rishment his wi%e,s breasts t!rned into !dders'he #an
loo& awa" and he does.
As she b!ttons hersel% !p there #omes a #r" not sharp b!t lost diminishing and Ale0 is
on his %eet be%ore she is r!nning along the path. -hen a lo!der #r" getting #loser. It,s
?eter.
(5ent %alled in. 5ent %alled in.+
3is %ather "ells (I,m #oming.+
.all" will alwa"s believe that she &new at on#e'even be%ore she heard ?eter,s voi#e she
&new what had happened. I% an a##ident had happened it wo!ld not be to her si0*"ear*
old who was brave b!t not inventive not a showo%%. It wo!ld be to 5ent. .he #o!ld see
e0a#tl" how'peeing into a hole balan#ing on the rim teasing ?eter teasing himsel%.
3e was alive. 3e was l"ing %ar down in the r!bble at the bottom o% the #revasse b!t he
was moving his arms str!ggling to p!sh himsel% !p. .tr!ggling so %eebl". One leg #a!ght
!nder him the other oddl" bent.
(Can "o! #arr" the bab"1+ she said to ?eter. (<o ba#& to the pi#ni# and p!t her on the
blan&et and wat#h her. -hat,s m" good bo". M" good strong bo".+
Ale0 was on his wa" into the hole s#rambling down telling 5ent to sta" still. <etting
down in one pie#e was $!st possible. It wo!ld be getting 5ent o!t that was hard.
.ho!ld she r!n to the #ar and see i% there was a rope1 -ie the rope aro!nd a tree tr!n&1
Ma"be tie it aro!nd 5ent,s bod" so she #o!ld li%t him when Ale0 raised him !p to her1
-here wo!ldn,t be a rope. )h" wo!ld there be a rope1
Ale0 had rea#hed him. 3e bent and li%ted him. 5ent gave a besee#hing s#ream o% pain.
Ale0 draped him aro!nd his sho!lders 5ent,s head hanging down on one side and
!seless legs'one so !nnat!rall" protr!ding'on the other. 3e rose st!mbled a #o!ple o%
steps and while still hanging on to 5ent dropped ba#& down to his &nees. 3e had de#ided
to #rawl and was ma&ing his wa"'.all" !nderstood this now'to the r!bble that partl"
%illed the %ar end o% the #revasse. 3e sho!ted some order to her witho!t raising his head
and tho!gh she #o!ld not ma&e o!t an" word she &new what he wanted. .he got !p o%%
her &nees'wh" was she on her &nees1'and p!shed thro!gh some saplings to that edge
o% the rim where the r!bble #ame to within perhaps three %eet o% the s!r%a#e. Ale0 was
still #rawling along with 5ent dangling %rom him li&e a shot deer.
.he #alled (I,m here. I,m here.+
5ent wo!ld have to be raised !p b" his %ather p!lled to the solid shel% o% ro#& b" his
mother. 3e was a s&inn" bo" who had not "et rea#hed his %irst sp!rt o% growth b!t he
seemed as heav" as a bag o% #ement. .all",s arms #o!ld not do it on the %irst tr". .he
shi%ted her position #ro!#hing instead o% l"ing %lat on her stoma#h and with the %!ll
power o% her sho!lders and #hest and with Ale0 s!pporting and li%ting 5ent,s bod" %rom
beneath the" heaved him over. .all" %ell ba#& with him in her arms and saw his e"es
open then roll ba#& in his head as he %ainted again.
)hen Ale0 had #lawed his wa" o!t the" #olle#ted the other #hildren and drove to the
Collingwood 3ospital. -here seemed to be no internal in$!r". Both legs were bro&en. One
brea& was #lean as the do#tor p!t it. -he other leg was shattered.
(5ids have to be wat#hed ever" min!te in there+ he said sternl" to .all" who had gone
into the e0amining room with 5ent while Ale0 managed ?eter and .avanna. (3aven,t
the" got an" warning signs !p1+
)ith Ale0 she tho!ght he wo!ld have spo&en di%%erentl". (-hat,s the wa" bo"s are. -!rn
"o!r ba#& and the",re tearing aro!nd where the" sho!ldn,t be+ he wo!ld have said.
3er gratit!de'to <od whom she did not believe in and to Ale0 whom she did'was so
immense that she resented nothing.
It was ne#essar" %or 5ent to spend the ne0t si0 months o!t o% s#hool str!ng !p %or the
%irst %ew wee&s in a rented hospital bed. .all" pi#&ed !p and t!rned in his s#hool
assignments whi#h he #ompleted in no time. -hen he was en#o!raged to go ahead with
E0tra ?ro$e#ts. One o% these was (-ravels and E0plorations'Choose Yo!r Co!ntr".+
(I want to pi#& somewhere nobod" else wo!ld pi#&+ he said.
-he a##ident and the #onvales#en#e seemed to have #hanged him. 3e a#ted older than his
age now less anti# more serene. And .all" told him something that she had not told to
another so!l. .he told him how she was attra#ted to remote islands. Not to the 3awaiian
Islands or the Canaries or the 3ebrides or the Isles o% <ree#e where ever"bod" wanted to
go b!t to small or obs#!re islands that nobod" tal&ed abo!t and that were seldom i% ever
visited. As#ension -ristan da C!nha Chatham Island and Christmas Island and
7esolation Island and the >aeroes. .he and 5ent began to #olle#t ever" s#rap o%
in%ormation the" #o!ld %ind abo!t these pla#es not allowing themselves to ma&e an"thing
!p. And never telling Ale0 what the" were doing.
(3e wo!ld thin& we were o%% o!r heads+ .all" said.
7esolation Island,s main boast was o% a vegetable o% great anti2!it" a !ni2!e #abbage.
-he" imagined worship #eremonies %or it #ost!mes and #abbage parades in its honor.
.all" told her son that be%ore he was born she had seen %ootage on television o% the
inhabitants o% -ristan da C!nha disembar&ing at 3eathrow Airport having all been
eva#!ated owing to a great vol#ani# er!ption on their island. 3ow strange the" had
loo&ed do#ile and digni%ied li&e #reat!res %rom another #ent!r". -he" m!st have
ad$!sted to England more or less b!t when the vol#ano 2!ieted down a #o!ple o% "ears
later the" almost all wanted to go home.
)hen 5ent went ba#& to s#hool things #hanged o% #o!rse b!t he still seemed mat!re %or
his age patient with .avanna who had grown vent!resome and st!bborn and with ?eter
who alwa"s b!rst into the ho!se as i% on a gale o% #alamit". And he was espe#iall"
#o!rteo!s to his %ather bringing him the paper that he had res#!ed %rom .avanna and
#are%!ll" re%olded p!lling o!t his #hair at dinnertime.
(3onor to the man who saved m" li%e+ he might sa" or (3ome is the hero.+
3e said this rather dramati#all" tho!gh not at all sar#asti#all" "et it got on Ale0,s nerves.
5ent got on his nerves had done so even be%ore the deep*hole drama.
(C!t that o!t+ Ale0 said and #omplained privatel" to .all".
(3e,s sa"ing "o! m!st have loved him be#a!se "o! res#!ed him.+
(Christ I,d have res#!ed an"bod".+
(7on,t sa" that in %ront o% him. ?lease.+
)hen 5ent got to high s#hool things with his %ather improved. 3e #hose to %o#!s on
s#ien#e. 3e pi#&ed the hard s#ien#es not the so%t earth s#ien#es and even this ro!sed no
opposition in Ale0. -he harder the better.
B!t a%ter si0 months at #ollege 5ent disappeared. ?eople who &new him a little'there
did not seem to be an"one who #laimed to be a %riend'said that he had tal&ed o% going to
the )est Coast. A letter #ame $!st as his parents were de#iding to go to the poli#e. 3e
was wor&ing at a Canadian -ire in a s!b!rb $!st north o% -oronto. Ale0 went to see him
there to order him ba#& to #ollege. B!t 5ent re%!sed said that he was ver" happ" with
his $ob and was ma&ing good mone" or soon wo!ld be when he got promoted. -hen
.all" went to see him witho!t telling Ale0 and %o!nd him $oll" and ten po!nds heavier.
3e said it was the beer. 3e had %riends now.
(It,s a phase+ she said to Ale0 when she #on%essed the visit. (3e wants to get a taste o%
independen#e.+
(3e #an get a bell"%!l o% it as %ar as I,m #on#erned.+
5ent had not said where he was living and when she made her ne0t visit to Canadian
-ire she was told that he had 2!it. .he was embarrassed'she tho!ght she #a!ght a smir&
on the %a#e o% the emplo"ee who told her'and she did not as& where 5ent had gone. .he
ass!med he wo!ld get in to!#h an"wa" as soon as he had settled again.
3e did write three "ears later. 3is letter was mailed in Needles Cali%ornia b!t he told
them not to bother tr"ing to tra#e him there'he was onl" passing thro!gh. Li&e Blan#he
he said and Ale0 said ()ho the hell is Blan#he1+
(;!st a $o&e+ .all" said. (It doesn,t matter.+
5ent did not sa" where he had been or whether he was wor&ing or had %ormed an"
#onne#tions. 3e did not apologi/e %or leaving his parents witho!t an" in%ormation %or so
long or as& how the" were or how his brother and sister were. Instead he wrote pages
abo!t his own li%e. Not the pra#ti#al side o% his li%e b!t what he believed he sho!ld be
doing'what he was doing'with it.
(It seems so ridi#!lo!s to me+ he said (that a person sho!ld be e0pe#ted to lo#&
themselves into a s!it o% #lothes. I mean li&e the s!it o% #lothes o% an engineer or do#tor
or geologist and then the s&in grows over it over the #lothes I mean and that person
#an,t ever get them o%%. )hen we are given a #han#e to e0plore the whole world o% inner
and o!ter realit" and to live in a wa" that ta&es in the spirit!al and the ph"si#al and the
whole range o% the bea!ti%!l and the terrible available to man&ind that is pain as well as
$o" and t!rmoil. -his wa" o% e0pressing m"sel% ma" seem over*blown to "o! b!t one
thing I have learned to give !p is intelle#t!al pride%!lness'+
(3e,s on dr!gs+ Ale0 said. (Yo! #an tell a mile o%%. 3is brain,s rotted with dr!gs.+
In the middle o% the night he said (.e0.+
.all" was l"ing beside him wide awa&e.
()hat abo!t se01+
(It,s what ma&es "o! do what he,s tal&ing abo!t'be#ome a something*or*other so that
"o! #an earn a living. .o that "o! #an pa" %or "o!r stead" se0 and the #onse2!en#es.
-hat,s not a #onsideration %or him.+
.all" said (M" how romanti#.+
(<etting down to basi#s is never ver" romanti#. 3e,s not normal is all I,m tr"ing to sa".+
>!rther on in the letter'or the rampage as Ale0 #alled it'5ent said that he had been
l!#&ier than most people in having had what he #alled his (near*death e0perien#e+
whi#h had given him perhaps an e0tra awareness and he wo!ld be %orever grate%!l to his
%ather who had li%ted him ba#& into the world and to his mother who had lovingl"
re#eived him there.
3e wrote (?erhaps in those moments I was reborn.+
Ale0 groaned.
(No. I won,t sa" it.+
(7on,t+ .all" said. (Yo! don,t mean it.+
(I don,t &now whether I do or not.+
-hat letter signed with love was the last the" heard %rom him.
?eter went into medi#ine .avanna into law.
-o her own s!rprise .all" be#ame interested in geolog". One night in a tr!sting mood
a%ter se0 she told Ale0 abo!t the islands'tho!gh not abo!t her %antas" that 5ent was
now living on one or another o% them. .he said that she had %orgotten man" o% the details
she !sed to &now and that she sho!ld loo& all these pla#es !p in the en#"#lopedia where
she had %irst got her in%ormation. Ale0 said that ever"thing she wanted to &now #o!ld
probabl" be %o!nd on the Internet now. .!rel" not something so obs#!re she said and he
got her o!t o% bed and downstairs and there in no time be%ore her e"es was -ristan da
C!nha a green plate in the .o!th Atlanti# O#ean with in%ormation galore. .he was
sho#&ed and t!rned awa" and Ale0 who was disappointed in her as&ed wh".
(I don,t &now. Ma"be I don,t want it so real.+
3e said that she needed something to do. 3e had $!st retired %rom tea#hing at the time
and was planning to write a boo&. 3e needed an assistant and he #o!ld not #all on
grad!ate st!dents now as he had been able to when he was still on the %a#!lt". 8.he didn,t
&now i% this was tr!e or not.9 .he reminded him that she &new nothing abo!t ro#&s and
he said never mind that he #o!ld !se her %or s#ale in the photographs.
.o she be#ame the small %ig!re in bla#& or bright #lothing #ontrasting with the ribbons o%
.il!rian or 7evonian ro#& or with the gneiss %ormed b" intense #ompression %olded and
de%ormed b" #lashes o% the North Ameri#an and the ?a#i%i# plates to ma&e the present
#ontinent. <rad!all" she learned to !se her e"es and appl" her &nowledge till she #o!ld
stand in an empt" s!b!rban street and reali/e that %ar beneath her shoes was a #rater %illed
with r!bble that had never been seen be#a!se there had been no e"es to see it at its
#reation or thro!gh the long histor" o% its being made and %illed and hidden and lost. Ale0
did s!#h things the honor o% &nowing abo!t them and she admired him %or that altho!gh
she &new eno!gh not to sa" so. -he" were good %riends in these last "ears whi#h she
didn,t &now were their last "ears. 3e went into the hospital %or an operation ta&ing his
#harts and photographs with him and on the da" he was s!pposed to #ome home he died.
-his was in the s!mmer and that %all there was a dramati# %ire in -oronto. .all" sat in
%ront o% her television wat#hing #overage o% the %ire %or a while. It was in a distri#t that
she &new or !sed to &now in the da"s when its nineteenth*#ent!r" b!ildings were
inhabited b" hippies with their tarot #ards and beads and paper %lowers the si/e o%
p!mp&ins. Later the vegetarian resta!rants had been trans%ormed into e0pensive bistros
and bo!ti2!es. Now a blo#& o% those nineteenth*#ent!r" b!ildings was being wiped o!t
and the newsman was bemoaning this spea&ing o% the people who lived in old*%ashioned
apartments above the shops and had now lost their homes or were being dragged o!t o%
harm,s wa" onto the street.
3e didn,t mention the landlords o% the b!ildings .all" tho!ght who were probabl"
getting awa" with s!bstandard wiring as well as with epidemi#s o% #o#&roa#hes
bedb!gs not to be #omplained abo!t b" the del!ded or the %ear%!l poor.
.he sometimes %elt Ale0 tal&ing in her head these da"s and that was s!rel" what was
happening now. .he t!rned o%% the television.
No more than ten min!tes later the phone rang. It was .avanna.
(Mom. 3ave "o! got "o!r -= on1 7id "o! see1+
(Yo! mean the %ire1 I did have it on b!t I t!rned it o%%.+
(No. 7id "o! see'I,m loo&ing %or him right now'I saw him not %ive min!tes ago. . . .
Mom it,s 5ent. Now I #an,t %ind him. B!t I saw him.+
(Is he h!rt1 I,m t!rning it on now. )as he h!rt1+
(No he was helping. 3e was #arr"ing one end o% a stret#her. -here was a bod" on it'I
don,t &now i% it was dead or $!st h!rt. B!t 5ent. It was him. Yo! #o!ld even see him
limping. 3ave "o! got it on now1+
(Yes.+
(O.5. I,ll #alm down. I bet he went ba#& into the b!ilding.+
(B!t s!rel" the" wo!ldn,t allow'+
(3e #o!ld be a do#tor %or all we &now. Oh %!#& now the",re tal&ing to that same old
g!" the" tal&ed to be%ore'his %amil" owned some b!siness %or a h!ndred "ears. Let,s
hang !p and $!st &eep o!r e"es on the s#reen. 3e,s s!re to #ome in range again.+
3e didn,t. -he %ootage began to repeat itsel%.
.avanna phoned ba#&. (I,m going to get to the bottom o% this. I &now a g!" that wor&s on
the news. I #an get to see that shot again. )e have to %ind o!t.+
.avanna had never &nown her brother ver" well'she had been nine when he le%t'so
what was all the %!ss abo!t1 3ad her %ather,s death made her %eel the need o% %amil"1 .he
sho!ld marr" soon .all" tho!ght. .he sho!ld have #hildren. B!t she had s!#h a st!bborn
strea& when she set her mind on something. 3er %ather had told her when she was ten
"ears old that she #o!ld gnaw an idea to the bone'she o!ght to be a law"er. And %rom
then on that was what she had said she wo!ld be.
It was 5ent and within a wee& .avanna had %o!nd o!t all abo!t him. No. Change that to
%o!nd o!t all he wanted her to &now. 3e had been living in -oronto %or "ears. 3e had
o%ten passed the b!ilding where .avanna wor&ed and tho!ght he had spotted her a #o!ple
o% times on the street. O% #o!rse she wo!ldn,t have re#ogni/ed him be#a!se he was
wearing a &ind o% robe.
(A 3are 5rishna1+ .all" said.
(Oh Mom i% "o!,re a mon& it doesn,t mean "o!,re a 3are 5rishna. An"wa" he,s not
that now.+
(.o what is he1+
(3e sa"s he lives in the present. .o I said A)ell don,t we all nowada"s, and he said no
he meant in the real present.+
()here we are now+ he had said and .avanna had said (Yo! mean in this d!mp1+
Be#a!se it was'the #o%%ee shop where he had as&ed her to meet him was a d!mp.
(I see it di%%erentl"+ he said b!t then he said he had no ob$e#tion to her wa" o% seeing it
or an"bod" else,s.
()ell that,s big o% "o!+ .avanna said b!t she made a $o&e o% it and he sort o% la!ghed.
3e said that he had seen Ale0,s obit!ar" in the paper and tho!ght it was well done. 3e
g!essed Ale0 wo!ld have li&ed the re%eren#e to his #ontrib!tion to geolog". 3e had
wondered i% his own name wo!ld appear on the list o% relatives and he was rather
s!rprised that it was there. 3ad his %ather told them what names he wanted listed be%ore
he died1 he as&ed.
.avanna had said no'he hadn,t been planning on d"ing an"thing li&e so soon. It was the
rest o% the %amil" who,d had a #on%eren#e and de#ided that 5ent,s name sho!ld be
in#l!ded.
(Not 7ad+ 5ent had said. ()ell no.+
-hen he had as&ed abo!t .all".
.all" %elt a &ind o% in%lated balloon in her #hest.
()hat did "o! sa"1+
(I said "o! were O.5. ma"be at loose ends a little "o! and 7ad being so #lose and "o!
not having m!#h time "et to get !sed to being alone. -hen he said A-ell her she #an #ome
to see me i% she wants to, and I said I wo!ld as& "o!.+
.all" didn,t repl".
(Yo! there Mom1+
(7id he sa" when or where1+
(No. I,m s!pposed to meet him in a wee& in the same pla#e and tell him what "o! said. I
thin& he sort o% en$o"s #alling the shots. I tho!ght "o!,d agree right awa".+
(O% #o!rse I agree. 7id he reall" ris& his li%e in the %ire1+
(3e won,t tal& abo!t it. B!t m" in%ormation is "es. 3e,s 2!ite well &nown as it t!rns o!t
in #ertain parts o% town and b" #ertain people.+
.all" re#eived a note. -his in itsel% was spe#ial sin#e most people she &new !sed e*mail
or the phone. .he was glad he hadn,t #alled. .he did not "et tr!st hersel% to hear his voi#e.
-he note instr!#ted her to leave her #ar in the s!bwa" par&ing lot at the end o% the line
and ta&e the s!bwa" to a spe#i%ied station where he wo!ld meet her.
.he e0pe#ted to see him on the other side o% the t!rnstile b!t he was not there. ?robabl"
he had meant that he wo!ld meet her o!tside. .he #limbed the steps and emerged into the
s!nlight and pa!sed as people h!rried and p!shed past her. .he had a %eeling o% disma"
and embarrassment. 7isma" at 5ent,s apparent absen#e and embarrassment be#a!se she
was %eeling $!st what people %rom her part o% the #o!ntr" o%ten %elt in neighborhoods li&e
this tho!gh she wo!ld never have said what the" said.Youd think you were in the Congo
or India or ietnam!
On the steps o% an old ban& b!ilding $!st be"ond the s!bwa" entran#e several men were
sitting or lo!nging or sleeping. It was no longer a ban& o% #o!rse tho!gh the ban&,s
name was #!t into the stone. .he loo&ed at the name rather than at the men whose
slo!#hing or re#lining post!res were s!#h a #ontrast to the old p!rpose o% the b!ilding
and the r!sh o% the #rowd #oming o!t o% the s!bwa".
(Mom.+
One o% the men on the steps got !p and #ame toward her in no h!rr" with a slight drag o%
one %oot and she reali/ed that it was 5ent and waited %or him.
.he wo!ld almost as soon have r!n awa". B!t then she saw that not all the men were
%ilth" or hopeless*loo&ing and that some glan#ed at her witho!t mena#e or #ontempt and
even with %riendl" am!sement now that she had been identi%ied as 5ent,s mother.
5ent didn,t wear a robe. 3e wore gra" pants that were too big %or him a -*shirt with no
message on it and a threadbare $a#&et. 3is hair was #!t so short "o! #o!ld hardl" see the
#!rl. 3is s&in was 2!ite pale and his thin bod" made him loo& older than he was. 3e was
missing some teeth.
3e did not embra#e her'she did not e0pe#t him to'b!t he p!t his hand lightl" on her
ba#& to steer her in the dire#tion he wanted her to go.
(7o "o! still smo&e "o!r pipe1+ she said sni%%ing the air and remembering how he had
ta&en !p pipe smo&ing in high s#hool.
(?ipe1 Oh. No. It,s the smo&e %rom the %ire "o! smell. )e don,t noti#e it an"more. I,m
a%raid it,ll get stronger where we,re wal&ing.+
(Are we going to go thro!gh where it was1+
(No no. )e #o!ldn,t even i% we wanted to. -he",ve got it all blo#&ed o%%. -oo
dangero!s. .ome b!ildings will have to be ta&en down. 7on,t worr"'it,s O.5. where we
are. A good blo#& and a hal% awa" %rom the mess.+
(Yo!r apartment b!ilding1+ she said alert to the (we.+
(.ort o%. Yes. Yo!,ll see.+
3e spo&e gentl" readil" "et with an e%%ort li&e someone spea&ing as a #o!rtes" in a
%oreign lang!age. And he stooped a little to ma&e s!re she heard him. -he slight labor
involved in spea&ing to her seemed something she was meant to noti#e. -he #ost.
As the" stepped o%% a #!rb he br!shed her arm'perhaps he had st!mbled a little'and he
said (E0#!se me.+ And she tho!ght he gave a slight shiver.
AI7.. )h" had that never o##!rred to her be%ore1
(No+ he said tho!gh she had #ertainl" not spo&en alo!d. (I,m 2!ite well at present. I,m
not 3.I.=.*positive or an"thing li&e that. I #ontra#ted malaria "ears ago b!t it,s !nder
#ontrol. I ma" be a bit r!n*down b!t nothing to worr" abo!t. )e t!rn here'we,re right
on this blo#&.+
"e.
(I,m not ps"#hi#+ he said. (I $!st %ig!red o!t something that .avanna was tr"ing to get
at and I tho!ght I,d p!t "o! at rest. 3ere we are then.+
It was one o% those ho!ses whose %ront doors are onl" a %ew steps %rom the sidewal&.
(I,m #elibate a#t!all"+ he said holding open the door. A pie#e o% #ardboard was ta#&ed
!p where one o% its glass panes sho!ld be.
-he %loorboards were bare and #rea&ed !nder%oot. -he smell was #ompli#ated all*
pervasive. -he smo&e had got in here o% #o!rse b!t it was mi0ed with the odors o%
an#ient #oo&ing b!rned #o%%ee toilets si#&ness de#a".
(-ho!gh A#elibate, might be the wrong word. -hat so!nds as i% it had something to do
with will power. I g!ess I sho!ld have said Ane!ter., I don,t thin& o% it as an a#hievement.
It isn,t.+
3e was leading her aro!nd the stairs and into the &it#hen.
And there a giganti# woman stood with her ba#& to them stirring something on the stove.
5ent said (3i Marnie. -his is m" mom. Can "o! sa" hello to m" mom1+
.all" noti#ed a #hange in his voi#e. A rela0ation honest" perhaps a respe#t%!lness that
was di%%erent %rom the %or#ed lightness he adopted with her.
.he said (3ello Marnie+ and the woman hal% t!rned showing a s2!ee/ed doll,s %a#e in
a loa% o% %lesh b!t not %o#!ssing her e"es.
(Marnie is o!r #oo& this wee&+ 5ent said. (.mells O.5. Marnie.+
-o his mother he said ()e,ll go and sit in m" san#t!m shall we1+ and led the wa" down
a #o!ple o% steps and along a ba#& hall. It was hard to move there be#a!se o% the sta#&s
o% newspapers %l"ers and maga/ines neatl" tied.
(<ot to get these o!t o% here+ 5ent said. (I told .teve this morning. >ire ha/ard. ;ee/ I
!sed to $!st sa" that. Now I &now what it means.+
#eez. .he had been wondering i% he belonged to some plain#lothes religio!s order b!t i%
he did he s!rel" wo!ldn,t sa" that wo!ld he1 O% #o!rse it #o!ld be an order o% some
%aith other than Christian.
3is room was down some more steps a#t!all" in the #ellar. -here was a #ot a battered
old*%ashioned des& with #!bb"holes a #o!ple o% straight*ba#&ed #hairs with r!ngs
missing.
(-he #hairs are per%e#tl" sa%e+ he said. (Nearl" all o!r st!%% is s#avenged %rom
somewhere b!t I draw the line at #hairs "o! #an,t sit on.+
.all" seated hersel% with a %eeling o% e0ha!stion.
()hat are "o!1+ she said. ()hat is it that "o! do1 Is this a hal%wa" ho!se or something
li&e that1+
(No. Not even 2!arter*wa". )e ta&e in an"bod" that #omes.+
(Even me.+
(Even "o!+ he said witho!t smiling. ()e aren,t s!pported b" an"bod" b!t o!rselves. )e
do some re#"#ling with st!%% we pi#& !p. -hose newspapers. Bottles. )e ma&e a bit here
and there. And we ta&e t!rns soli#iting the p!bli#.+
(As&ing %or #harit"1+
(Begging+ he said.
(On the street1+
()hat better pla#e %or it1 On the street. And we go into some p!bs that we have an
!nderstanding with tho!gh it is against the law.+
(Yo! do that "o!rsel%1+
(I #o!ld hardl" as& the others to do it i% I wo!ldn,t. -hat,s something I had to over#ome.
;!st abo!t all o% !s have something to over#ome. It #an be shame. Or it #an be the
#on#ept o% Amine., )hen somebod" drops a ten*dollar bill or even a loonie into the hat
that,s when the notion o% private ownership &i#&s in. )hose is it h!h1 O!rs or'!nh*!h
'mine1 I% the answer #omes ba#& Amine, it !s!all" gets spent right awa" and we have
the person t!rning !p here smelling o% boo/e and sa"ing AI don,t &now what,s the matter
with me toda"'I #o!ldn,t get a bite., -hen the" might start to %eel bad later and #on%ess.
Or not #on%ess never mind. )e see them disappear %or da"s'wee&s'then show !p ba#&
here when the going gets too ro!gh. And sometimes we,ll see them wor&ing the street on
their own never letting on that the" re#ogni/e !s. Never #oming ba#&. And that,s all
right too. -he",re o!r grad!ates "o! #o!ld sa". I% "o! believe in the s"stem.+
(5ent'+
(Aro!nd here I,m ;onah.+
(;onah1+
(I $!st #hose it. I tho!ght o% La/ar!s b!t it,s too sel%*dramati/ing. Yo! #an #all me 5ent
i% "o! li&e.+
(I want to &now what,s happened in "o!r li%e. I mean not so m!#h these people'+
(-hese people are m" li%e.+
(I &new "o!,d sa" that.+
(O.5. it was &ind o% smart*arse. B!t this this is what I,ve been doing %or'seven "ears1
Nine "ears1 Nine "ears.+
.he persisted. (Be%ore that1+
()hat do I &now1 Be%ore that1 Be%ore that. Man,s da"s are li&e grass eh1 C!t down and
p!t into the oven. Listen to me. .oon as I meet "o! again I start the showing*o%%. C!t
down and p!t in the oven'I,m not interested in that. I live ea#h da" as it happens.
Reall". Yo! wo!ldn,t !nderstand that. I,m not in "o!r world "o!,re not in mine. Yo!
&now wh" I wanted to meet "o! here toda"1+
(No. I didn,t thin& o% it. I mean I tho!ght nat!rall" ma"be the time had #ome'+
(Nat!rall". )hen I read abo!t m" %ather,s death in the paper I tho!ght )ell where is the
mone"1 I tho!ght )ell she #an tell me.+
(It went to me+ .all" said with %lat disappointment b!t great sel%*#ontrol. (>or the time
being. -he ho!se as well i% "o!,re interested.+
(I tho!ght li&el" that was it. -hat,s O.5.+
()hen I die to ?eter and his bo"s and .avanna.+
(=er" ni#e.+
(3e didn,t &now i% "o! were alive or dead.+
(Yo! thin& I,m as&ing %or m"sel%1 Yo! thin& I,m that m!#h o% an idiot to want the mone"
%or m"sel%1 B!t I did ma&e a mista&e thin&ing abo!t how I #o!ld !se it. -hin&ing >amil"
mone" s!re I #an !se that. -hat,s the temptation. Now I,m glad I,m glad I #an,t have
it.+
(I #o!ld let'+
(-he thing is tho!gh this pla#e is #ondemned'+
(I #o!ld let "o! borrow.+
(Borrow1 )e don,t borrow aro!nd here. )e don,t !se the borrow s"stem aro!nd here.
E0#!se me I,ve got to go get hold o% m" mood. Are "o! h!ngr"1 )o!ld "o! li&e some
so!p1+
(No than&s.+
)hen he was gone she tho!ght o% r!nning awa". I% she #o!ld lo#ate a ba#& door a ro!te
that didn,t go thro!gh the &it#hen.
B!t she #o!ld not do it. It wo!ld mean that she wo!ld never see him again. And the ba#&
"ard o% a ho!se li&e this b!ilt be%ore the da"s o% a!tomobiles wo!ld have no a##ess to
the street.
It was hal% an ho!r be%ore he #ame ba#&. 3e seemed a little s!rprised or bewildered to
%ind her still there.
(.orr". I had to settle some b!siness. And then I tal&ed to Marnie. .he alwa"s #alms me
down.+
(Yo! wrote a letter to !s+ .all" said. (It was the last we heard %rom "o!.+
(Oh don,t remind me.+
(No it was a good letter. It was a good attempt to e0plain what "o! were thin&ing.+
(?lease. 7on,t remind me.+
(Yo! were tr"ing to %ig!re o!t "o!r li%e'+
(M" li%e m" li%e m" progress what all I #o!ld dis#over abo!t m" stin&ing sel%. -he
p!rpose o% me. M" #rap. M" spirit!alit". M" intelle#t!alit". -here isn,t an" inside st!%%
an"more .all". Yo! don,t mind i% I #all "o! .all"1 It $!st #omes o!t easier. -here is onl"
o!tside what "o! do ever" moment o% "o!r li%e. .in#e I reali/ed this I,ve been happ".+
(Yo! are1 3app"1+
(.!re. I,ve let go o% that st!pid sel% st!%%. I thin& 3ow #an I help1 And that,s all the
thin&ing that I allow m"sel%.+
(Living in the present1+
(I don,t #are i% "o! thin& I,m banal. I don,t #are i% "o! la!gh at me.+
(I,m not'+
(I don,t #are. Listen. I% "o! thin& I,m a%ter "o!r mone" %ine. I am a%ter "o!r mone".
Also I am a%ter "o!. 7on,t "o! want a di%%erent li%e1 I,m not sa"ing I love "o!. I don,t
!se st!pid lang!age. Or I want to save "o!. Yo! &now "o! #an onl" save "o!rsel%. .o
what is the point1 I don,t !s!all" tr" to get an"where tal&ing to people. I !s!all" tr" to
avoid personal relationships. I mean I do. I do avoid them.+
Relationships.
()h" are "o! tr"ing not to smile1+ he said. (Be#a!se I said Arelationships,1 -hat,s a #ant
word1 I don,t %!ss abo!t m" words.+
.all" said (I was thin&ing o% ;es!s. A)oman what have I to do with thee1, +
-he loo& that leaped to his %a#e was almost savage.
(7on,t "o! get tired .all"1 7on,t "o! get tired being #lever1 I #an,t go on tal&ing this
wa" I,m sorr". I,ve got things to do.+
(.o have I+ .all" said. It was a #omplete lie. ()e,ll be'+
(7on,t sa" it. 7on,t sa" we,ll be in to!#h.+
(Ma"be we,ll be in to!#h. Is that an" better1+
.all" gets lost then %inds her wa". -he ban& b!ilding again the same or possibl" a whole
new regiment o% loiterers. -he s!bwa" ride the #ar par& the &e"s the highwa" the
tra%%i#. -hen the lesser highwa" the earl" s!nset no snow "et the bare trees and the
dar&ening %ields.
.he loves this #o!ntr"side this time o% "ear. M!st she now thin& hersel% !nworth"1
-he #at is glad to see her. -here are a #o!ple o% messages %rom %riends on her ma#hine.
.he heats !p a single serving o% lasagna. .he b!"s these separated pre#oo&ed and %ro/en
portions now. -he" are 2!ite good and not too e0pensive when "o! thin& that there,s no
waste. .he sips %rom a glass o% wine d!ring the %ew*min!te wait.
.he is sha&ing with anger. )hat is she s!pposed to do go ba#& to the #ondemned ho!se
and s#r!b the rotten linole!m and #oo& !p the #hi#&en parts that were thrown o!t be#a!se
the",re past the best*be%ore date1 And be reminded ever" da" o% how she %alls short o%
Marnie or an" other a%%li#ted #reat!re1 All %or the privilege o% being !se%!l in the li%e that
somebod" else'5ent'has #hosen1
3e,s si#&. 3e,s wearing himsel% o!t4 ma"be he,s d"ing. 3e wo!ldn,t than& her %or #lean
sheets and %resh %ood. Oh no. 3e,d rather die on that #ot !nder a blan&et with a b!rned
hole in it.
B!t a #he#& she #an write some sort o% #he#& not an abs!rd one. Not too big or too
small. 3e won,t help himsel% with it o% #o!rse. 3e won,t stop despising her o% #o!rse.
7espising. No. Not the point. Nothing personal.
-here is something an"wa" in having got thro!gh the da" witho!t its being an absol!te
disaster. It wasn,t was it1 .he had said (ma"be.+ 3e hadn,t #orre#ted her.
And it was possible too that age #o!ld be#ome her all" t!rning her into somebod" she
didn,t &now "et. .he has seen that loo& o% old people now and then'#lear*sighted b!t
#ontent on islands o% their own ma&ing.
Wenlock Edge
mother had a ba#helor #o!sin a good deal "o!nger than her who !sed to visit !s on the
%arm ever" s!mmer. 3e bro!ght along his mother A!nt Nell Botts. 3is own name was
Ernie Botts. 3e was a tall %lorid man with a good*nat!red e0pression a big s2!are %a#e
and %air #!rl" hair springing straight !p %rom his %orehead. 3is hands his %ingernails were
as #lean as soap itsel%4 his hips were a little pl!mp. M" name %or him'when he was not
aro!nd'was Earnest Bottom. I had a mean tong!e.
B!t I meant no harm. Or hardl" an" harm.
A%ter A!nt Nell Botts died Ernie did not #ome to visit an"more b!t he alwa"s sent a
Christmas #ard.
)hen I started #ollege in the #it" where he lived he began a #!stom o% ta&ing me o!t to
dinner ever" other .!nda" evening. 3e did this be#a!se I was a relative'it,s !nli&el"
that he even #onsidered whether we were s!ited to spending time together. 3e alwa"s
too& me to the same pla#e a resta!rant #alled the Old Chelsea whi#h was on the se#ond
%loor o% a b!ilding loo&ing down on 7!ndas .treet. It had velvet #!rtains white
table#loths little rose*shaded lamps on the tables. It probabl" #ost more stri#tl"
spea&ing than he #o!ld a%%ord b!t I did not thin& o% that having a #o!ntr" girl,s notion
that all men who lived in the #it" wore a s!it ever" da" and sported s!#h #lean
%ingernails had rea#hed a level o% prosperit" where ind!lgen#es li&e this were a matter o%
#o!rse.
I alwa"s ordered the most e0oti# o%%ering on the men!'#hi#&en vol a! vent or d!#&$
lorange'while he alwa"s ate roast bee%. 7esserts were wheeled !p to the table on a
dinner wagon@ a tall #o#on!t #a&e #!stard tarts topped with strawberries even o!t o%
season #ho#olate*#oated pastr" horns %!ll o% whipped #ream. I too& a long time #hoosing
li&e a %ive*"ear*old tr"ing to de#ide between %lavors o% i#e #ream and then on Monda" I
had to %ast all da" to ma&e !p %or s!#h gorging.
Ernie loo&ed a little too "o!ng to be m" %ather. I hoped that nobod" %rom the #ollege
wo!ld see !s and thin& that he was m" bo"%riend.
3e in2!ired abo!t m" #o!rses and nodded solemnl" when I told him or reminded him
that I was in 3onors English and ?hilosoph". 3e didn,t roll his e"es at the in%ormation
the wa" people at home did. 3e told me that he had a great respe#t %or ed!#ation and
regretted that he hadn,t had the means to #ontin!e a%ter high s#hool. Instead he had got a
$ob wor&ing %or the Canadian National Railwa" as a ti#&et salesman. Now he was a
s!pervisor.
3e li&ed serio!s reading he said b!t it was not a s!bstit!te %or a #ollege ed!#ation.
I was prett" s!re that his idea o% serio!s reading wo!ld be the Condensed Boo&s o%
the %eaders &igest and to get him o%% the s!b$e#t o% m" st!dies I told him abo!t m"
rooming ho!se. In those da"s the #ollege had no dormitories'we all lived in rooming
ho!ses or in #heap apartments or in %raternit" or sororit" ho!ses. M" room was the atti#
o% an old ho!se with genero!s %loor spa#e and not m!#h headroom. B!t being the %ormer
maid,s 2!arters it had its own bathroom. -wo other s#holarship st!dents who were in
their %inal "ear in Modern Lang!ages lived on the se#ond %loor. -heir names were 5a"
and Beverl". In the high*#eilinged b!t #hopped*!p rooms o% the gro!nd %loor lived a
medi#al st!dent who was hardl" ever home and his wi%e Beth who was home all the
time be#a!se the" had two ver" "o!ng #hildren. Beth was the ho!se manager and rent
#olle#tor and she was o%ten %e!ding with the se#ond*%loor girls over the wa" the" washed
their #lothes in the bathroom and h!ng them there to dr". )hen Beth,s h!sband Bla&e
was home he sometimes had to !se that bathroom be#a!se o% all the bab" st!%% in the one
downstairs and Beth said that he sho!ldn,t have to #ope with sto#&ings and other
intimate doodads in his %a#e. 5a" and Beverl" retorted that !se o% their own bathroom
had been promised when the" moved in.
FROM THE ISSUE
BUY AS A PRINT
E-MAIL THIS
)h" did I #hoose to tell this to Ernie who %l!shed and said that the" sho!ld have got it in
writing1
5a" and Beverl" were a disappointment to me. -he" wor&ed hard at Modern Lang!ages
b!t their #onversation and preo##!pations seemed hardl" di%%erent %rom those o% girls
who wor&ed in ban&s or o%%i#es. -he" did their hair !p in pin#!rls and polished their
%ingernails on .at!rda"s be#a!se that was the night the" had dates with their spe#ial
bo"%riends. On .!nda"s the" had to soothe their %a#es with lotion be#a!se o% the
whis&er*b!rns the bo"%riends had in%li#ted on them. I didn,t %ind either bo"%riend in the
least desirable and I wondered how the" #o!ld.
-he" said that the" had on#e had some #ra/" idea o% wor&ing as intepreters at the United
Nations b!t now the" %ig!red the" wo!ld tea#h high s#hool and with an" l!#& get
married.
-he" gave me !nwel#ome advi#e.
I had got a $ob in the #ollege #a%eteria. I p!shed a #art aro!nd #olle#ting dirt" dishes and
wiping the tables #lean.
-he" warned me that this $ob was not a good idea.
(Yo! won,t get as&ed o!t i% people see "o! at a $ob li&e that.+
I told Ernie abo!t this and he said (.o what did "o! sa"1+
I told him that I,d said I wo!ldn,t want to go o!t with an"bod" who wo!ld ma&e s!#h a
$!dgment so what was the problem1
Now I,d hit the right note. Ernie glowed4 he #hopped his hands !p and down in the air.
(Absol!tel" right+ he said. (-hat is absol!tel" the attit!de to ta&e. 3onest wor&. Never
listen to an"bod" who wants to p!t "o! down %or doing honest wor&. ;!st go right ahead
and ignore them. 5eep "o!r pride. An"bod" that doesn,t li&e it "o! tell them the" #an
l!mp it.+
-his spee#h o% his the righteo!sness and approval lighting his large %a#e the $er&"
enth!siasm o% his movements ro!sed the %irst do!bts in me the %irst gloom" s!spi#ion
that the warning might have some weight to it a%ter all.
)hen I got home that night there was a note %rom Beth !nder m" door as&ing to tal& to
me. I g!essed that it wo!ld be abo!t m" hanging m" #oat over the bannister to dr" or
ma&ing too m!#h noise on the stairs when Bla&e 8sometimes9 and the babies 8alwa"s9 had
to sleep in the da"time.
-he door opened on the s#ene o% miser" and #on%!sion in whi#h it seemed that all Beth,s
da"s were passed. )et la!ndr"'diapers and smell" bab" woollens'was hanging %rom
#eiling ra#&s4 bottles b!bbled and rattled in a sterili/er on the stove. -he windows were
steamed !p and the #hairs were #overed with sogg" #loths and soiled st!%%ed to"s. -he
bigger bab" was #linging to the bars o% a pla"pen and letting o!t an a##!sing howl'Beth
had obvio!sl" $!st set him in there'and the smaller one was in a high #hair with some
m!sh" p!mp&in*#olored %ood spread li&e a rash a#ross his mo!th and #hin.
Beth peered o!t %rom all this with a tight e0pression o% s!periorit" on her small %lat %a#e
as i% to sa" that not man" people #o!ld p!t !p with s!#h a nightmare as well as she #o!ld
even i% the world wasn,t genero!s eno!gh to give her the least bit o% #redit.
(Yo! &now when "o! moved in+ she said then raised her voi#e to be heard over the
bigger bab",s #ries (when "o! moved in I mentioned to "o! that there was eno!gh spa#e
!p there %or two1+
Another girl was moving in she in%ormed me. -he new girl wo!ld be there -!esda"s to
>rida"s while she a!dited some #o!rses at the #ollege.
(Bla&e will bring the da"bed !p tonight. .he won,t ta&e !p m!#h room. I don,t imagine
she,ll bring man" #lothes'she lives in town. Yo!,ve had it all to "o!rsel% %or si0 wee&s
now and "o!,ll still have it that wa" on wee&ends.+
No mention o% an" red!#tion in the rent.
Nina a#t!all" did not ta&e !p m!#h room. .he was small and tho!ght%!l in her
movements'she never b!mped her head against the ra%ters as I did. .he spent a lot o%
her time sitting #ross*legged on the da"bed her brownish*blond hair %alling over her %a#e
a ;apanese &imono loose over her #hildish white !nderwear. .he had bea!ti%!l #lothes'a
#amel*hair #oat #ashmere sweaters a pleated tartan s&irt with a large silver pin'the sort
o% #lothes "o! wo!ld see in a maga/ine la"o!t !nder the headline (O!t%itting Yo!r ;!nior
Miss %or 3er New Li%e on Camp!s.+ B!t the moment she got ba#& %rom the #ollege she
dis#arded her #ost!me %or the &imono. I also #hanged o!t o% m" s#hool #lothes b!t in m"
#ase it was to &eep the press in m" s&irt and preserve a reasonable %reshness in m" blo!se
or sweater so I h!ng ever"thing !p #are%!ll". Nina tossed her #lothes an"where.I ate an
earl" s!pper at the #ollege as part o% m" wages and Nina alwa"s seemed to have eaten
too tho!gh I didn,t &now where. ?erhaps her s!pper was $!st what she ate all evening'
almonds and oranges and a s!ppl" o% little #ho#olate &isses wrapped in red or gold or
p!rple %oil.
I as&ed her i% she didn,t get #old in that light &imono.
(Unh*!nh+ she said. .he grabbed m" hand and pressed it to her ne#&. (I,m permanentl"
warm+ she said and in %a#t she was. 3er s&in even loo&ed warm tho!gh she said that
was $!st a tan and it was %ading. And #onne#ted with this s&in warmth was a parti#!lar
odor that was n!tt" or spi#" not displeasing b!t not the odor o% a bod" that was
#onstantl" bathed and showered. 8Nor was I entirel" %resh m"sel% owing to Beth,s r!le o%
two baths a wee&.9
I !s!all" read !ntil late at night. I,d tho!ght that it might be harder to read with someone
else in the room b!t Nina was an eas" presen#e. .he peeled her oranges and #ho#olates4
she laid o!t games o% solitaire. )hen she had to stret#h to move a #ard she,d sometimes
ma&e a little noise a groan or gr!nt as i% #omplaining abo!t this slight ad$!stment o% her
bod" b!t ta&ing pleas!re in it all the same. Otherwise she was #ontent and #!rled !p to
sleep with the light on whenever she was read". And be#a!se there was no spe#ial need
%or !s to tal& we soon began to tal& and tell abo!t o!r lives.
Nina was twent"*two "ears old and this was what had happened to her sin#e she was
%i%teen@
>irst she had got hersel% pregnant 8that was how she p!t it9 and married the %ather who
wasn,t m!#h older than she was. -his was in a town somewhere o!tside Chi#ago. -he
name o% the town was Lane"ville and the onl" $obs there were at the grain elevator or
%i0ing ma#hiner" %or the bo"s and wor&ing in stores %or the girls. Nina,s ambition was
to be a hairdresser b!t "o! had to go awa" and train %or that. Lane"ville wasn,t where she
had alwa"s lived'it was where her grandmother lived and she lived with her
grandmother be#a!se her %ather had died and her mother had got married again and her
step%ather had &i#&ed her o!t.
.he had a se#ond bab" another bo" and her h!sband was s!pposed to have a $ob lined !p
in another town so he went o%% there. 3e was going to send %or her b!t he never did. .o
she le%t both #hildren with her grandmother and too& the b!s to Chi#ago.
On the b!s she met a girl named Mar#" who li&e her was headed %or Chi#ago. Mar#"
&new a man there who owned a resta!rant and she said he wo!ld give them $obs. B!t
when the" got to Chi#ago and lo#ated the resta!rant it t!rned o!t that the man didn,t own
it'he,d onl" wor&ed there and he,d 2!it some time be%ore. -he man who did own it had
an empt" room !pstairs and he let them sta" there in ret!rn %or their #leaning the pla#e !p
ever" night. -he" had to !se the ladies, room in the resta!rant b!t the" weren,t s!pposed
to spend too m!#h time there in the da"time'the" had to wash themselves at night.
-he" didn,t sleep hardl" at all. -he" made %riends with the barman in the pla#e a#ross the
street'he was a 2!eer b!t ni#e'and he let them drin& ginger ale %or %ree. -he" met a
man there who invited them to a part" and a%ter that the" got as&ed to other parties and it
was d!ring this time that Nina met Mr. ?!rvis. It was he in %a#t who gave her the name
Nina. Be%ore that she had been ;!ne. .he went to live at Mr. ?!rvis,s pla#e in Chi#ago.
.he waited a little while be%ore bringing !p the s!b$e#t o% her bo"s. -here was so m!#h
room in Mr. ?!rvis,s ho!se that she was hoping the" #o!ld live with her there. B!t when
she mentioned it Mr. ?!rvis told her that he despised #hildren. 3e did not want her to get
pregnant ever. B!t somehow she did and she and Mr. ?!rvis went to ;apan to get her an
abortion.
At least !p !ntil the last min!te that was what she tho!ght she wo!ld do b!t then she
de#ided no. .he wo!ld go ahead and have the bab".
(All right+ he said. 3e wo!ld pa" her wa" ba#& to Chi#ago b!t %rom then on she was on
her own.
.he &new her wa" aro!nd a bit b" this time and she went to a pla#e where the" loo&ed
a%ter "o! till the bab" was born and "o! #o!ld have it adopted. It was born and it was a
girl and Nina named her <emma and de#ided to &eep her a%ter all.
.he &new another girl who had had a bab" in this pla#e and &ept it and she and this girl
made an arrangement that the" wo!ld wor& shi%ts and live together and raise their babies.
-he" got an apartment that the" #o!ld a%%ord and the" got $obs'Nina,s in a #o#&tail
lo!nge'and ever"thing was all right. -hen Nina #ame home $!st be%ore Christmas'
<emma was eight months old'and %o!nd the other mother hal% dr!n& and %ooling
aro!nd with a man and the bab" <emma b!rning !p with %ever too si#& to even #r".
Nina wrapped her !p and too& her to the hospital in a #ab. -ra%%i# was all snarled !p
be#a!se o% Christmas and when she %inall" got there the" told her that it was the wrong
hospital %or some reason and sent her o%% to another hospital. On the wa" there <emma
had a #onv!lsion and died.
Nina wanted to have a real b!rial %or <emma not $!st have her p!t in with some old
pa!per who had died 8that was what she,d heard happened to a bab",s bod" when "o!
didn,t have an" mone"9 so she went to Mr. ?!rvis. 3e was ni#er to her than she,d
e0pe#ted and he paid %or the #as&et and the gravestone with <emma,s name and a%ter it
was all over he too& Nina ba#&. 3e too& her on a long trip to London and ?aris and a lot
o% other pla#es to #heer her !p. )hen the" got home he sh!t !p the ho!se in Chi#ago and
moved here. 3e owned some propert" o!t in the #o!ntr" nearb"4 he owned ra#ehorses.
3e as&ed her i% she wo!ld li&e to get an ed!#ation and she said she wo!ld. 3e said she
sho!ld $!st sit in on some #o!rses to see what she,d li&e to st!d". .he told him that she,d
li&e to live part o% the time the wa" ordinar" st!dents lived and he said he tho!ght that
that #o!ld be arranged.
3earing abo!t Nina,s li%e made me %eel li&e a simpleton.
I as&ed her what Mr. ?!rvis,s %irst name was.
(Arth!r.+
()h" don,t "o! #all him that1+
(It wo!ldn,t so!nd nat!ral.+
Nina was not s!pposed to go o!t at night e0#ept to the #ollege %or #ertain spe#i%ied
events s!#h as a pla" or a #on#ert or a le#t!re. .he was s!pposed to eat l!n#h and dinner
at the #a%eteria. -ho!gh as I said I don,t &now whether she ever did. Brea&%ast was
Nes#a%B in o!r room and da"*old do!ghn!ts I bro!ght home %rom the #a%eteria. Mr.
?!rvis did not li&e the so!nd o% this b!t he a##epted it as part o% Nina,s imitation o% the
#ollege st!dent,s li%e'as long as she ate a good hot meal on#e a da" and a sandwi#h and
so!p at another meal and this was what he tho!ght she did. .he alwa"s #he#&ed what the
#a%eteria was o%%ering so that she #o!ld tell him she,d had the sa!sages or the .alisb!r"
stea& and the salmon or the egg*salad sandwi#h.
(.o how wo!ld he &now i% "o! did go o!t1+
Nina got to her %eet with that little so!nd o% #omplaint or pleas!re and padded over to
the atti# window.
(Come here+ she said. (And sta" behind the #!rtain. .ee1+
A bla#& #ar par&ed not right a#ross the street b!t a %ew doors down. A streetlight #a!ght
the gleaming white hair o% the driver.
(Mrs. )inner+ Nina said. (.he,ll be there till midnight. Or later I don,t &now. I% I went
o!t she,d %ollow me and hang aro!nd wherever I went then %ollow me ba#&.+
()hat i% she went to sleep1+
(Not her. Or i% she did and I tried an"thing she,d be awa&e li&e a shot.+
;!st to give Mrs. )inner some pra#ti#e as Nina p!t it we le%t the ho!se one evening and
too& a b!s to the #it" librar". >rom the b!s window we wat#hed the long bla#& #ar having
to slow and dawdle at ever" b!s stop then speed !p to sta" with !s. )e had to wal& a
blo#& to the librar" and Mrs. )inner passed !s and par&ed be"ond the %ront entran#e and
wat#hed !s'we believed'in her rearview mirror.
I wanted to see i% I #o!ld #he#& o!t a #op" o% (-he .#arlet Letter+ whi#h was re2!ired
%or one o% m" #o!rses. I #o!ld not a%%ord to b!" one and the #opies at the #ollege librar"
were all #he#&ed o!t. Also I wanted to ta&e a boo& o!t %or Nina'the sort o% boo& that
showed simpli%ied #harts o% histor".
Nina had bo!ght the te0tboo&s %or the #o!rses she was a!diting. .he had bo!ght
noteboo&s and pens'the best %o!ntain pens o% that time'in mat#hing #olors. Red %or
?re*Col!mbian Civili/ations bl!e %or the Romanti# ?oets green %or =i#torian and
<eorgian English Novelists "ellow %or >air" -ales %rom Basile to Andersen. .he sat in
the ba#& row at ever" le#t!re be#a!se she tho!ght that that was the proper pla#e %or her.
.he spo&e as i% she en$o"ed wal&ing thro!gh the Arts B!ilding with the throng o% other
st!dents %inding her seat opening her te0tboo& at the spe#i%ied page ta&ing o!t her pen.
B!t her noteboo&s remained empt".
-he tro!ble was as I saw it that she had no pegs to hang an"thing on. .he did not &now
what =i#torian meant or Romanti# or ?re*Col!mbian. .he had been to ;apan and
Barbados and man" o% the #o!ntries in E!rope b!t she #o!ld never have %o!nd those
pla#es on a map. .he wo!ldn,t have &nown whether the >ren#h Revol!tion #ame be%ore
or a%ter the >irst )orld )ar.
I wondered how these #o!rses had been #hosen %or her. 3ad she li&ed the so!nd o% them1
3ad Mr. ?!rvis tho!ght that she #o!ld master them1 Or had he perhaps #hosen them
#"ni#all" so that she wo!ld soon get her %ill o% being a st!dent1
)hile I was loo&ing %or the boo& I wanted I #a!ght sight o% Ernie Botts. 3e had an
arm%!l o% m"steries whi#h he was pi#&ing !p %or an old %riend o% his mother,s. 3e had
told me that he alwa"s did that $!st as he alwa"s pla"ed #he#&ers on .at!rda" mornings
with a #ron" o% his %ather,s o!t in the )ar =eterans, 3ome.
I introd!#ed him to Nina. I had told him abo!t her moving in b!t nothing abo!t her
%ormer or even her present li%e.
3e shoo& Nina,s hand and said that he was pleased to meet her and as&ed at on#e i% he
#o!ld give !s a ride home.
I was abo!t to sa" no than&s we,d ta&e the b!s when Nina as&ed him where his #ar was
par&ed.
(In the ba#&+ he said.
(Is there a ba#& door1+
(Yes "es. It,s a sedan.+
(No I meant in the librar"+ Nina said. (In the b!ilding.+
(Yes. Yes there is+ Ernie said %l!stered. (I,m sorr" I tho!ght "o! meant the #ar. Yes. A
ba#& door in the librar". I #ame in that wa" m"sel%. I,m sorr".+ Now he was bl!shing and
he wo!ld have gone on apologi/ing i% Nina had not bro&en in with a &ind la!gh.
()ell then+ she said. ()e #an go o!t the ba#& door. .o that,s settled. -han&s.+
Ernie drove !s home. 3e as&ed i% we wo!ld li&e to deto!r to his pla#e %or a #!p o% #o%%ee
or a hot #ho#olate.
(.orr" we,re sort o% in a r!sh+ Nina said. (B!t than&s %or as&ing.+
(I g!ess "o!,ve got homewor&.+
(3omewor& "es+ she said. ()e s!re do.+
I was thin&ing that he had never on#e as&ed me to his ho!se. ?ropriet". One girl no. -wo
girls O.5.
No bla#& #ar a#ross the street when we said o!r than&s and good nights. No bla#& #ar
when we loo&ed o!t the atti# window. In a short time the phone rang %or Nina and I
heard her sa"ing on the landing (Oh no we $!st went in the librar" and got a boo& and
#ame straight home on the b!s. -here was one right awa" "es. I,m %ine. Absol!tel".
Night*night.+ .he #ame swa"ing and smiling !p the stairs. (Mrs. )inner,s got hersel% in
hot water tonight.+
One morning Nina did not get o!t o% bed. .he said she had a sore throat a %ever. (-o!#h
me.+
(Yo! alwa"s %eel hot to me.+
(-oda" I,m hotter.+
It was a >rida". .he as&ed me to #all Mr. ?!rvis to tell him that she wanted to sta" here
%or the wee&end.
(3e,ll let me. 3e #an,t stand an"bod" being si#& aro!nd him'he,s a n!t that wa".+
Mr. ?!rvis wondered i% he sho!ld send a do#tor. Nina had %oreseen that and told me to
sa" that she $!st needed to rest and she,d phone him or I wo!ld i% she got an" worse.
()ell then tell her to ta&e #are+ he said and than&ed me %or phoning and %or being a
good %riend to Nina. And then as an a%tertho!ght he as&ed me i% I wo!ld li&e to $oin him
%or .at!rda" night,s dinner. 3e said he %o!nd it boring to eat alone. Nina had tho!ght o%
that too.
(I% he as&s "o! to go and eat with him tomorrow night wh" don,t "o! go1 -here,s
alwa"s something good to eat on .at!rda" nights'it,s spe#ial.+
-he #a%eteria was #losed on .at!rda"s. -he possibilit" o% meeting Mr. ?!rvis both
dist!rbed and intrig!ed me.
.o I agreed to dine with him'he had a#t!all" said (dine.+ )hen I went ba#& !pstairs I
as&ed Nina what I sho!ld wear. ()h" worr" now1 It,s not till tomorrow night.+
)h" worr" indeed1 I had onl" one good dress the t!r2!oise #rCpe that I had bo!ght with
some o% m" s#holarship mone" to wear when I gave the valedi#tor" address at m" high*
s#hool #ommen#ement e0er#ises.
Mrs. )inner #ame to get me. 3er hair was not white b!t platin!m blond a #olor that to
me #erti%ied a hard heart immoral dealings and a long b!mp" ride thro!gh the sordid
ba#& alle"s o% li%e. Nevertheless I opened the %ront door o% the #ar to ride beside her
be#a!se I tho!ght that that was the de#ent and demo#rati# thing to do. .he let me do this
standing beside me then bris&l" opened the ba#& door.
I had tho!ght that Mr. ?!rvis wo!ld live in one o% the stodg" mansions s!rro!nded b"
a#res o% lawns and !n%armed %ields north o% the #it". It was probabl" the ra#ehorses that
had made me thin& so. Instead we travelled east thro!gh prospero!s b!t not lordl"
streets past bri#& and mo#&*-!dor ho!ses with their lights on in the earl" dar& and their
Christmas lights alread" blin&ing o!t o% the snow#apped shr!bber". )e t!rned in at a
narrow drivewa" between high hedges and par&ed in %ront o% a ho!se that I re#ogni/ed as
(modern+ b" its %lat roo% and long wall o% windows and the %a#t that the b!ilding material
appeared to be #on#rete. No Christmas lights here no lights o% an" &ind.
No sign o% Mr. ?!rvis either. -he #ar slid down a ramp into a #averno!s basement
garage4 we rode an elevator !p one %loor and emerged into a hallwa" that was diml" lit
and %!rnished li&e a living room with !pholstered straight*ba#&ed #hairs and little
polished tables and mirrors and r!gs.
Mrs. )inner waved me ahead o% her thro!gh one o% the doors that opened o%% this
hallwa" into a windowless room with a ben#h and hoo&s aro!nd the walls. It was $!st
li&e a s#hool #loa&room e0#ept %or the polish on the wood and the #arpet on the %loor.
(3ere is where "o! leave "o!r #lothes+ Mrs. )inner said.
I removed m" top boots. I st!%%ed m" mittens into m" #oat po#&ets. I h!ng m" #oat !p.
Mrs. )inner sta"ed with me. -here was a #omb in m" po#&et and I wanted to %i0 m" hair
b!t not with her wat#hing. And I did not see a mirror.
(Now the rest+ she said.
.he loo&ed straight at me to see i% I !nderstood and when I appeared not to 8tho!gh in a
sense I did'I !nderstood b!t hoped I had made a mista&e9 she said (7on,t worr" "o!
won,t be #old. -he ho!se is well heated thro!gho!t.+
I did not move to obe" and she spo&e to me #as!all" as i% she #o!ld not be bothered with
#ontempt. (I hope "o!,re not a bab".+
I #o!ld have rea#hed %or m" #oat at that point. I #o!ld have demanded to be driven ba#&
to the rooming ho!se. I #o!ld even have wal&ed ba#& on m" own. I remembered the wa"
we had #ome and tho!gh it wo!ld have been #old it wo!ld have ta&en me less than an
ho!r.
(Oh no+ Mrs. )inner said when I still did not move. (.o "o!,re $!st a boo&worm.
-hat,s all "o! are.+
I sat down. I removed m" shoes. I !n%astened and peeled down m" sto#&ings. I stood !p
and !n/ipped then "an&ed o%% the dress in whi#h I had delivered the valedi#tor" address
with its %inal words o% Latin. A'e at(ue 'ale.
.till #overed b" m" slip I rea#hed ba#& and !nhoo&ed m" brassiere then somehow
ha!led it %ree o% m" arms and aro!nd to the %ront to be dis#arded. Ne0t #ame m" garter
belt then m" panties'when the" were o%% I balled them !p and hid them !nder the
brassiere. I p!t m" %eet ba#& into m" shoes.
(Bare %eet+ Mrs. )inner said sighing. It seemed that the slip was too tiresome %or her to
mention b!t a%ter I had again ta&en m" shoes o%% she said (Bare. 7o "o! &now the
meaning o% the word1 )are.+
I p!lled the slip over m" head and she handed me a bottle o% lotion and said (R!b
"o!rsel% with this.+
It smelled li&e Nina. I r!bbed some on m" arms and sho!lders the onl" parts o% m"sel%
that I #o!ld to!#h with Mrs. )inner standing there wat#hing and then we went o!t into
the hall m" e"es avoiding the mirrors and she opened another door and I went into the
ne0t room alone.
It had not o##!rred to me that Mr. ?!rvis might be waiting in the same na&ed #ondition as
m"sel% and he was not. 3e wore a dar&*bl!e bla/er a white shirt an as#ot s#ar% 8tho!gh I
did not &now it was #alled that at the time9 and gra" sla#&s. 3e was hardl" taller than I
was and he was thin and old mostl" bald with wrin&les in his %orehead when he smiled.
It had not o##!rred to me either that the !ndressing might be a prel!de to rape or to an"
#eremon" b!t s!pper. 8And indeed it was not to $!dge b" the appeti/ing smells in the
room and the silver*lidded dishes on the sideboard.9 B!t wh" hadn,t I tho!ght o% s!#h a
thing1 )h" wasn,t I more apprehensive1 It had something to do with m" ideas abo!t old
men. I tho!ght that the" were not onl" in#apable owing to their !nsavor" ph"si#al
de#line b!t too worn down'or depressed'b" their vario!s trials and e0perien#es to
have an" interest le%t. I wasn,t st!pid eno!gh to thin& that m" being !ndressed had
nothing to do with the se0!al !ses o% m" bod" b!t I too& it more as a dare than as a
preliminar" to %!rther trespass and m" going along with it %inall" had more to do with
pride or some sha&" re#&lessness than with an"thing else. And that word. (Boo&worm.+
3ere I am I might have wished to sa" in the s&in o% m" bod" whi#h does not shame me
an" more than the bareness o% m" teeth. O% #o!rse that was not tr!e and in %a#t I had
bro&en o!t in a sweat b!t not %or %ear o% an" violation.
Mr. ?!rvis shoo& m" hand ma&ing no sign o% awareness that I la#&ed #lothing. 3e said
that it was a pleas!re %or him to meet Nina,s %riend. ;!st as i% I were somebod" Nina had
bro!ght home %rom s#hool. )hi#h in a wa" was tr!e. An inspiration to Nina he said I
was.
(.he admires "o! ver" m!#h. Now "o! m!st be h!ngr". .hall we see what the",ve
provided %or !s1+
3e li%ted the lids and set abo!t serving me. Cornish hens whi#h I too& to be p"gm"
#hi#&ens sa%%ron ri#e with raisins vario!s %inel" #!t vegetables %anned o!t at an angle
and preserving their #olor more %aith%!ll" than the vegetables that I reg!larl" saw. A dish
o% m!dd"*green pi#&les and a dish o% dar&*red preserve.
(Not too m!#h o% these+ Mr. ?!rvis said o% the pi#&les and the preserve. (A bit hot to
start with.+
3e !shered me ba#& to the table t!rned again to the sideboard and served himsel%
sparingl" and sat down.
-here was a pit#her o% water on the table and a bottle o% wine. I got the water. .erving
me wine in his ho!se he said wo!ld probabl" be #lassed as a #apital o%%ense. I was a
little disappointed as I had never had a #han#e to drin& wine. )hen Ernie and I went to
the Old Chelsea he alwa"s e0pressed his satis%a#tion that no wine or li2!or was served
on .!nda"s. Not onl" did he re%!se to drin& on .!nda" or on an" other da" b!t he
disli&ed seeing others do it.
(Now Nina tells me+ Mr. ?!rvis said (Nina tells me that "o! are st!d"ing English
?hilosoph" b!t I thin& it m!st be English and ?hilosoph" am I right1 Be#a!se s!rel"
there is not so great a s!ppl" o% English philosophers1+
In spite o% his warning I had ta&en a dollop o% green pi#&le on m" tong!e and was too
st!nned to repl". 3e waited #o!rteo!sl" while I g!lped down water.
()e start with the <ree&s. It,s a s!rve" #o!rse+ I said when I #o!ld spea&.
(Oh "es. <ree#e. )ell who is "o!r %avorite <ree& so %ar'Oh no $!st a min!te. It will
%all apart more easil" li&e this.+
-here %ollowed a demonstration o% how to separate and remove the meat %rom the bones
o% a Cornish hen'ni#el" done and witho!t #ondes#ension rather as i% it were a $o&e we
might share. (Yo!r %avorite1+
()e haven,t got to him "et'we,re doing the pre*.o#rati#s+ I said. (B!t ?lato.+
(?lato is "o!r %avorite. .o "o! read ahead "o! don,t $!st sta" where "o!,re s!pposed to1
?lato. Yes I #o!ld have g!essed that. Yo! li&e the #ave1+
(Yes.+
(Yes o% #o!rse. -he #ave. It,s bea!ti%!l isn,t it1+
)hen I was sitting down the most %lagrant part o% me was o!t o% sight. I% m" breasts had
been tin" and ornamental li&e Nina,s I #o!ld have been almost at ease. Instead the"
were large and lollop"4 the" were li&e bald night #reat!res d!mb%o!nded b" the light. I
tried to loo& at him when I spo&e b!t against m" will I s!%%ered waves o% %l!shing. )hen
this happened I tho!ght I sensed his voi#e #hanging slightl" be#oming more soothing
and politel" satis%ied as i% he,d $!st made a winning move in a game. B!t he went on
tal&ing nimbl" and entertainingl" telling me abo!t a trip he had made to <ree#e. 7elphi
the A#ropolis the %amo!s light that "o! didn,t believe #o!ld be tr!e b!t was tr!e the bare
bones o% the ?eloponnes!s.
(And then to Crete'do "o! &now abo!t the Minoan #ivili/ation1+
(Yes.+
(O% #o!rse "o! do. O% #o!rse. And "o! &now the wa" the Minoan ladies dressed1+
(Yes.+
I loo&ed into his %a#e this time his e"es. I was determined not to s2!irm awa" not even
when I %elt the heat on m" throat.
(=er" ni#e that st"le+ he said almost sadl". (=er" ni#e. It,s odd the di%%erent things that
are hidden in di%%erent eras. And the things that are displa"ed.+
7essert was vanilla #!stard and whipped #ream with bits o% #a&e in it and raspberries.
3e ate onl" a %ew bites o% his. B!t a%ter %ailing to settle down eno!gh to en$o" the %irst
#o!rse I was determined not to miss o!t on an"thing ri#h and sweet and I %i0ed m"
appetite and attention on ever" spoon%!l.
3e po!red #o%%ee into small #!ps and invited me to drin& it in the librar".
M" b!tto#&s made a slapping noise as I loosened m"sel% %rom the slee& !pholster" o% the
dining*room #hair. B!t this was almost #overed !p b" the #latter o% the deli#ate #o%%ee
#!ps on the tra" in his sha&" old grasp.
Libraries in ho!ses were &nown to me onl" %rom boo&s. -his one was entered thro!gh a
panel in the dining*room wall. -he panel sw!ng open witho!t a so!nd at a to!#h o% his
raised %oot. 3e apologi/ed %or going ahead o% me as he had to do when he #arried the
#o%%ee. -o me it was a relie%. I tho!ght that the ba#& o% the bod"'not $!st mine b!t
an"one,s'was the most beastl" part.
)hen I was seated in the #hair he indi#ated he gave me m" #o%%ee. It was not as eas" to
sit here o!t in the open as it had been at the dining*room table. -hat #hair had been
#overed with smooth striped sil& b!t this one was !pholstered in some dar& pl!sh
material whi#h pri#&led me setting o%% an intimate agitation.
-he light in this room was brighter and the boo&s lining the walls seemed more pr"ing
and reproving than the dim dining room with its lands#ape paintings and light*absorbing
panels.
>or a moment as we moved %rom one room to the other I,d had some notion o% a stor"'
the sort o% stor" I,d heard o% b!t that %ew people then got the #han#e to read'in whi#h
the room re%erred to as a librar" wo!ld t!rn o!t to be a bedroom with so%t lights and
p!%%" #!shions and all manner o% down" #overings. B!t the room we were in was plainl"
a librar". -he reading lights the boo&s on the glass*en#losed shelves the invigorating
smell o% the #o%%ee. Mr. ?!rvis p!lling o!t a boo& ri%%ling thro!gh its leaves %inding what
he wanted.
(It wo!ld be ver" &ind i% "o! wo!ld read to me. M" e"es are tired in the evenings. Yo!
&now this boo&1+
( AA .hropshire Lad., +
I &new it. In %a#t I &new man" o% the poems b" heart.
(And ma" I as& "o! please'ma" I as& "o! please'not to #ross "o!r legs1+
M" hands were trembling when I too& the boo& %rom him.
(Yes+ he said. (Yes.+
3e #hose a #hair in %ront o% the boo&#ase %a#ing me.
(Now'+
( AOn )enlo#& Edge the wood,s in tro!ble,'+
-he %amiliar words and rh"thms #almed me down. -he" too& me over. <rad!all" I began
to %eel more at pea#e.
The gale, it plies the saplings do!le,
It !lo"s so ha#d, $t"ill soon !e gone%
To-da& the Ro'an and his t#o!le
A#e ashes nde# U#i(on)
)here was Uri#on1 )ho &new1
It wasn,t reall" that I %orgot where I was or whom I was with or in what #ondition I sat
there. B!t I had #ome to %eel somewhat remote and philosophi#al. -he tho!ght #ame to
me that ever"bod" in the world was na&ed in a wa". Mr. ?!rvis was na&ed tho!gh he
wore #lothes. )e were all sad bare #reat!res. .hame re#eded. I $!st &ept t!rning the
pages reading one poem and then another then another. Li&ing the so!nd o% m" voi#e.
Until to m" s!rprise and almost to m" disappointment'there were still wonder%!l lines
to #ome'Mr. ?!rvis interr!pted me. 3e stood !p4 he sighed.
(Eno!gh eno!gh+ he said. (-hat was ver" ni#e. -han& "o!. Yo!r #o!ntr" a##ent is 2!ite
s!itable. Now it,s m" bedtime.+
I handed him the boo&. 3e repla#ed it on the shel% and #losed the glass doors. -he
#o!ntr" a##ent was news to me. (And I,m a%raid it,s time to send "o! home.+
3e opened another door into the hallwa" I had seen so long ago at the beginning o% the
evening. I passed in %ront o% him and the door #losed behind me. I ma" have said good
night. It is even possible that I than&ed him %or dinner and that he spo&e to me a %ew dr"
words 8not at all* thank you for your company* it was 'ery kind of you* thank you for
reading +ousman9 in a s!ddenl" tired old #r!mpled and indi%%erent voi#e. 3e did not
la" a hand on me.
-he same diml" lit #loa&room. -he t!r2!oise dress m" sto#&ings m" slip. Mrs. )inner
appeared as I was %astening m" sto#&ings. .he said onl" one thing to me as I was read"
to leave. (Yo! %orgot "o!r s#ar%.+
And there indeed was the s#ar% I had &nitted in 3ome E#onomi#s #lass the onl" thing I
wo!ld ever &nit in m" li%e. I had #ome #lose to abandoning it in this pla#e.
As I got o!t o% the #ar Mrs. )inner said (Mr. ?!rvis wo!ld li&e to spea& to Nina be%ore
he goes to bed. I% "o! wo!ld remind her.+
B!t there was no Nina waiting to re#eive this message. 3er bed was made !p. 3er #oat
and boots were gone. A %ew o% her #lothes were still hanging in the #loset.
Beverl" and 5a" had both gone home %or the wee&end so I ran downstairs to see i% Beth
had an" in%ormation. (I,m sorr"+ Beth whom I never saw sorr" abo!t an"thing said. (I
#an,t &eep tra#& o% all "o!r #omings and goings.+ -hen as I t!rned awa" (I,ve as&ed "o!
several times not to th!mp so m!#h on the stairs. I $!st got Christopher to sleep.+
I had not made !p m" mind what I wo!ld sa" to Nina when I got home. )o!ld I as& her
i% she too was re2!ired to be na&ed in that ho!se'i% she had &nown per%e#tl" well what
sort o% an evening was waiting %or me1 Or wo!ld I sa" nothing and wait %or her to as&
me1 And even then wo!ld I sa" inno#entl" that I,d eaten Cornish hen and "ellow ri#e
and that it was ver" good1 -hat I,d read %rom (A .hropshire Lad+1
)o!ld I $!st let her wonder1
Now that she was gone none o% this mattered. -he %o#!s was shi%ted. Mrs. )inner
phoned a%ter ten o,#lo#&'brea&ing another o% Beth,s r!les'and when I told her that
Nina was not there she said (Are "o! s!re o% that1+
.he said the same thing when I told her that I had no idea where Nina had gone. (Are "o!
s!re1+
I as&ed her not to phone again till morning be#a!se o% Beth,s r!les and the babies, sleep
and she said ()ell. I don,t &now. -his is serio!s.+
)hen I got !p in the morning the #ar was par&ed a#ross the street. Later Mrs. )inner
rang the bell and told Beth that she had been sent to #he#& Nina,s room. Even Beth was
2!elled b" Mrs. )inner who loo&ed all aro!nd o!r room in the bathroom and the #loset
even sha&ing o!t a #o!ple o% blan&ets that were %olded on the #loset %loor.
I was still in m" pa$amas writing an essa" on (.ir <awain and the <reen 5night+ and
drin&ing Nes#a%B.
Mrs. )inner said that she had phoned the hospitals to see i% Nina had been ta&en ill and
that Mr. ?!rvis himsel% had gone o!t to #he#& several other pla#es where she might be.
(I% "o! &now an"thing it wo!ld be better to tell !s+ she said. (An"thing at all.+
-hen as she started down the stairs she t!rned and said in a voi#e that was less mena#ing
(Is there an"bod" at the #ollege she was %riendl" with1 An"bod" "o! &now1+
I said that I didn,t thin& so.
I had seen Nina at the #ollege onl" a #o!ple o% times. On#e she was wal&ing down the
lower #orridor o% the Arts B!ilding in the #r!sh between #lasses probabl" on her wa" to
a #lass o% her own. -he other time she was in the #a%eteria. Both times she was alone. It
was not parti#!larl" !n!s!al to be alone when "o! were h!rr"ing %rom one #lass to
another b!t it was a little strange to sit alone with a #!p o% #o%%ee in the #a%eteria at
2!arter to %o!r in the a%ternoon when that spa#e was pra#ti#all" deserted. .he sat with a
smile on her %a#e as i% to sa" how pleased how privileged she %elt to be there how alert
and read" she was to respond to the demands o% this li%e'as soon as she !nderstood what
the" were.
In the a%ternoon it began to snow. -he #ar a#ross the street had to move to ma&e wa" %or
the snowplow. )hen I went into the bathroom and #a!ght the %l!tter o% Nina,s &imono on
its hoo& on the door I %inall" %elt what I had been s!ppressing'a tr!e %ear %or Nina. I
#o!ld see her disoriented weeping into her loose hair wandering aro!nd in the snow in
her white !nderwear instead o% her #amel*hair #oat tho!gh I &new per%e#tl" well that she
had ta&en the #oat with her.
-he phone rang $!st as I was abo!t to leave %or m" %irst #lass on Monda" morning.
(It,s me+ Nina said in a r!shed warning b!t with something li&e tri!mph in her voi#e.
(Listen. ?lease. Co!ld "o! please do me a %avor1+
()here are "o!1 -he",re loo&ing %or "o!.+
()ho is1+
(Mr. ?!rvis. Mrs. )inner.+
()ell "o!,re not to tell them. 7on,t tell them an"thing. I,m here.
()here1+
(Ernest,s.+
(Ernest,s1+ I said. (,rnies1+
(.h*h*h. 7id an"bod" there hear "o!1+
(No.+
(Listen #o!ld "o! please please get on a b!s and bring me the rest o% m" st!%%1 I need
m" shampoo. I need m" &imono. I,m going aro!nd in Ernest,s bathrobe. Yo! sho!ld see
me'I loo& li&e an old wooll" brown dog. Is the #ar still o!tside1+
I went and loo&ed.
(Yes.+
(O.5. then "o! sho!ld get on the b!s and ride !p to the #ollege $!st li&e "o! normall"
do. And then #at#h the b!s downtown. Yo! &now where to get o%%. 7!ndas and
Ri#hmond. -hen wal& over here. Carlisle .treet. -hree si0t"*three. Yo! &now it don,t
"o!1+
(Is Ernie there1+
(No d!m*d!m. 3e,s at wor&. 3e,s got to s!pport !s doesn,t he1+
-s1 )as Ernie to s!pport Nina and me1
No. ,rnie and .ina! Ernie was to s!pport Ernie and Nina.
Nina said (Oh please. Yo!,re the onl" %riend I,ve got.+
I did as dire#ted. -o %ool Mrs. )inner I st!%%ed Nina,s things into m" sat#hel. I #a!ght
the #ollege b!s then the downtown b!s. I got o%% at 7!ndas and Ri#hmond and wal&ed
west to Carlisle .treet. -he snowstorm was over the s&" was #lear it was a bright
windless deep*%ro/en da". -he light h!rt m" e"es and the %resh snow s2!ea&ed !nder m"
%eet.
3al% a blo#& north on Carlisle .treet I %o!nd the ho!se where Ernie had lived with his
mother and %ather and then with his mother and then alone. And now'how was it
possible1'with Nina.
-he ho!se loo&ed e0a#tl" as it had when I had gone there on#e or twi#e with m" mother.
A bri#& b!ngalow with a tin" %ront "ard an ar#hed living*room window with an !pper
pane o% #olored glass. Cramped and genteel.
Nina was wrapped $!st as she had said in a man,s brown wooll" tasselled dressing
gown with the manl" b!t inno#ent Ernie smell o% shaving #ream and Li%eb!o" soap.
.he grabbed m" hands whi#h were sti%% with #old inside m" mittens.
(>ro/en+ she said. (Come on we,ll get them into some warm water.+
(-he",re not frozen+ I said. (;!st %ree/ing.+
B!t she went ahead and helped me o%% with m" things and too& me into the &it#hen and
ran a bowl%!l o% water and then as the blood ret!rned pain%!ll" to m" %ingers she told me
how Ernest 8Ernie9 had #ome to the rooming ho!se on .at!rda" night. 3e was bringing a
maga/ine that had a lot o% pi#t!res o% old r!ins and #astles and things that he tho!ght
might interest me. .he got hersel% o!t o% bed and #ame downstairs be#a!se o% #o!rse he
wo!ld not go !pstairs and when he saw how si#& she was he said she had to #ome home
with him so that he #o!ld loo& a%ter her. )hi#h he had done so well that her sore throat
was pra#ti#all" gone and her %ever #ompletel" gone. And then the" had de#ided that she
wo!ld sta" here. .he wo!ld $!st sta" with him and never go ba#& to where she was
be%ore.
.he seemed !nwilling even to mention Mr. ?!rvis,s name.
(B!t it has to be a big h!ge se#ret+ she said. (Yo!,re the onl" one to &now. Be#a!se
"o!,re o!r %riend and "o!,re the reason we met.+
.he was ma&ing #o%%ee. (Loo& !p there+ she said waving at the open #!pboard. (Loo&
at the wa" he &eeps things. M!gs here. C!ps and sa!#ers here. Ever" #!p has got its own
hoo&. Isn,t it tid"1 -he ho!se is $!st li&e that all over. I love it.
(Yo!,re the reason we met+ she repeated. (I% we have a bab" and it,s a girl we #o!ld
name it a%ter "o!.+
I held m" hands ro!nd the m!g still %eeling a throb in m" %ingers. -here were A%ri#an
violets on the windowsill over the sin&. 3is mother,s order in the #!pboards his mother,s
ho!seplants. -he big %ern was probabl" still in %ront o% the living*room window and the
doilies on the arm#hairs. )hat Nina had said in regard to hersel% and Ernie seemed
bra/en and'espe#iall" when I tho!ght o% the Ernie part o% it'ab!ndantl" distaste%!l.
(Yo!,re going to get married1+
()ell.+
(Yo! said i% "o! have a bab".+
()ell "o! never &now we might have started that witho!t being married+ Nina said
d!#&ing her head mis#hievo!sl".
()ith Ernie1+ I said. ()ith ,rnie1+
()ell there,s ,rnie+ she said. (And then there,s Er*nest.+ .he h!gged the bathrobe
aro!nd hersel%. (Might be something happening alread" "o! never &now.+
()hat abo!t Mr. ?!rvis1+
()hat abo!t him1+
()ell i% it,s something happening alread" #o!ldn,t it be his1+
Ever"thing abo!t Nina #hanged. 3er %a#e t!rned mean and so!r. (+im+ she said with
#ontempt. ()hat do "o! want to tal& abo!t him %or1 3e never had it in him.+
(Oh1 )hat abo!t <emma1+
()hat do "o! want to tal& abo!t the past %or1 7on,t ma&e me si#&. -hat,s all dead and
gone. It doesn,t matter to me and Ernest. )e,re together now. )e,re in love now.+
In love. )ith Ernie. Ernest. Now.
(O.5.+ I said.
(.orr" I "elled at "o!. 7id I "ell1 I,m sorr". Yo!,re o!r %riend and "o! bro!ght me m"
things and I appre#iate it. Yo!,re Ernest,s #o!sin and "o!,re o!r %amil".+
.he slipped behind me and her %ingers darted into m" armpits and she began to ti#&le me
at %irst la/il" and then %!rio!sl".
(Aren,t "o!1 Aren,t "o!1+
I tried to get %ree b!t I #o!ldn,t. I went into spasms o% s!%%ering la!ghter and wriggled
and #ried o!t and begged her to stop. )hi#h she did when she had me 2!ite helpless and
both o% !s were o!t o% breath.
(Yo!,re the ti#&lishest person I ever met+ she said.
I had to wait a long time %or the b!s stamping m" %eet on the pavement. )hen I got to
the #ollege I had missed m" se#ond #lass as well as the %irst and I was late %or m" wor&
in the #a%eteria. I #hanged into m" green #otton !ni%orm in the broom #loset and p!shed
m" mop o% bla#& hair 8the worst hair in the world %or showing !p in %ood the manager
had warned me9 !nder a #otton snood.
I was s!pposed to get the sandwi#hes and salads o!t on the shelves be%ore the doors
opened %or l!n#h b!t now I had to do it with an impatient line o% people wat#hing me.
I tho!ght o% what Beverl" and 5a" had said abo!t spoiling m" #han#es with men
mar&ing m"sel% o%% in the wrong wa". 3ow s#orn%!l I,d been when the" said it b!t
ma"be the",d been right a%ter all. It appeared that e0#ept in e0aminations I got man"
things wrong.
A%ter I,d %inished #leaning !p the #a%eteria tables I #hanged ba#& into m" ordinar"
#lothes and went to the #ollege librar" to wor& on m" essa".
An !ndergro!nd t!nnel %ed %rom the Arts B!ilding to the librar" and on b!lletin boards
aro!nd the entran#e to this t!nnel were posted advertisements %or movies and resta!rants
and !sed bi#"#les and t"pewriters as well as noti#es %or pla"s and #on#erts. -he M!si#
7epartment anno!n#ed that a %ree re#ital o% songs #omposed to %it the poems o% the
English #o!ntr" poets wo!ld be presented on a date that had now passed. I had seen this
noti#e be%ore and did not have to loo& at it to be reminded o% the names@ 3erri#&
3o!sman -enn"son. A %ew steps into the t!nnel the lines began to assa!lt me@
On *enlo(+ Edge the "ood$s in t#o!le)
3ad he &nown1 3ad he &nown that I wo!ld never thin& o% those lines again witho!t
%eeling the pri#&le o% the !pholster" on m" bare ha!n#hes1 -he sti#&" pri#&l" shame. A
%ar greater shame it seemed now than at the time. 3e had got me in spite o% m"sel%.
F#o' ,a#, ,#o' e-e and 'o#ning
And &on t"el-e-"inded s+&,
The st. o, li,e to +nit 'e
Ble" hithe#% he#e a' I)
No.
*hat a#e those !le #e'e'!e#ed hills,
*hat s
pi#es, "hat ,a#'s a#e those/
No never.
*hite in the 'oon the long #oad lies
That leads 'e ,#o' '& lo-e)
No. No. No.
I wo!ld alwa"s be reminded o% what I had done. )hat I had agreed to do. Not been
%or#ed not ordered not even pers!aded. Agreed to do.
Nina wo!ld &now. .he wo!ld be la!ghing abo!t it. Not #r!ell" b!t $!st the wa" she
la!ghed at so man" things. .he wo!ld alwa"s remind me.
Nina and Ernie. In m" li%e %rom now on.
-he #ollege librar" was a high bea!ti%!l spa#e designed and b!ilt and paid %or b" people
who believed that those who sat at its long tables in %ront o% open boo&s'even those who
were h!ngover sleep" resent%!l and !n#omprehending'sho!ld have spa#e above them
panels o% dar& gleaming wood aro!nd them high windows bordered with Latin
admonitions thro!gh whi#h to loo& at the s&". >or a %ew "ears be%ore the" went into
s#hooltea#hing or b!siness or began to rear #hildren the" sho!ld have that. And now it
was m" t!rn and I wo!ld have it too.
(.ir <awain and the <reen 5night.+
I was writing a good essa". I wo!ld probabl" get an A. I wo!ld go on writing essa"s and
getting A,s be#a!se that was what I #o!ld do. -he people who awarded s#holarships who
b!ilt !niversities and libraries wo!ld #ontin!e to dribble o!t mone" so that I #o!ld do it.
?eople li&e Mr. ?!rvis.
.till those dribbles that #harit" did not ma&e me amo!nt to an"thing in their e"es. )hat
I was doing here did not reall" matter. .omehow I had not &nown that. Nina &new it now
and probabl" she had alwa"s &nown it. Ernie too tho!gh he had tho!ght it his d!t" to
pretend otherwise. Mr. ?!rvis and Mrs. )inner. Even Beth and 5a" and Beverl" &new
that "o! had to get a %ooting somewhere else. -his was onl" a game.
And I had tho!ght it was the other wa" ro!nd.
;!st as I had made m"sel% believe that it was a #hallenge with Mr. ?!rvis and that I had
won or #ome o%% e2!al.
,(ual1
Nina did not sta" with Ernie %or even one wee&. One da" he #ame home and %o!nd her
gone. <one her #oat and boots her lovel" #lothes and the &imono that I had bro!ght over.
<one her ta%%" hair and her ti#&ling and the e0tra warmth o% her s&in and the little unh/
unhs when she moved. All gone with no e0planation not a word on paper.
Ernie was not one however to sh!t himsel% !p and mo!rn. 3e said so when he phoned
to tell me the news and #he#& on m" availabilit" %or .!nda" dinner. )e #limbed the stairs
to the Old Chelsea and he #ommented on the %a#t that this was o!r last dinner be%ore the
Christmas holida"s. 3e helped me o%% with m" #oat and I smelled Nina,s smell. Co!ld it
still be on his s&in1
No. -he so!r#e was revealed when he passed something to me. .omething li&e a large
hand&er#hie%.
(;!st p!t it in "o!r #oat po#&et+ he said.
Not a hand&er#hie%. -he te0t!re was st!rdier with a slight ribbing. An !ndershirt.
(I don,t want it aro!nd+ he said and b" his voi#e "o! might have tho!ght that it was $!st
!nderwear in general that he did not want aro!nd never mind that it was Nina,s and
smelled o% Nina.
3e ordered the roast bee% and #!t and #hewed it with his normal e%%i#ien#" and polite
appetite. I gave him the news %rom home whi#h as !s!al at this time o% "ear #onsisted o%
the si/e o% the snowdri%ts the n!mber o% blo#&ed roads the winter havo# that gave !s
distin#tion.
A%ter some time Ernie said (I went ro!nd to his ho!se. B!t there was nobod" in it.+
()hose ho!se1+
(3er !n#le,s+ he said. 3e &new whi#h ho!se it was be#a!se he and Nina had driven past
it a%ter dar&. -here was nobod" there now he said. -he" had pa#&ed !p and gone.
It had been her #hoi#e a%ter all. (It,s a woman,s privilege+ he said. (Li&e the" sa" it,s a
woman,s privilege to #hange her mind.+
3is e"es now that I loo&ed into them had a dr" %amished loo& and the s&in aro!nd them
was dar& and wrin&led. 3e p!rsed his mo!th #ontrolling a tremor then tal&ed on with an
air o% tr"ing to see all sides tr"ing to !nderstand.
(It wasn,t the mone". It was $!st that he was old and senile and she has a so%t heart. And
the %a#t that he loo&ed a%ter her when her parents were &illed.+
I% I stared %or a moment he didn,t noti#e.
(I wo!ldn,t have ob$e#ted to !s ta&ing him in. I told her I was !sed to old people. B!t I
g!ess she didn,t want to p!t that on me.
(It was a sho#& all right when I #ame home and she was gone. B!t "o! $!st have to roll
with the p!n#hes. Better not to e0pe#t too m!#h. Yo! #an,t ta&e ever"thing personall".+
)hen I went past the #oats on m" wa" to the ladies, room I got the shirt o!t o% m"
po#&et. I st!%%ed it in with the !sed towels.
-hat da" in the librar" I had been !nable to go on with .ir <awain. I had torn a page
%rom m" noteboo& and pi#&ed !p m" pen and wal&ed o!t. On the landing o!tside the
librar" doors there was a pa" phone and beside that h!ng a phone boo&. I loo&ed thro!gh
the phone boo& and on the pie#e o% paper I wrote two things. -he" were not phone
n!mbers b!t addresses.
DEFG 3en%r"n .treet.
-he other address whi#h I needed onl" to #on%irm was HEH Carlisle .treet.
I wal&ed ba#& thro!gh the t!nnel to the Arts B!ilding and entered the little shop a#ross
%rom the Common Room. I had eno!gh #hange in m" po#&et to b!" an envelope and a
stamp. I tore o%% the part o% the paper with the Carlisle .treet address on it and p!t that
s#rap into the envelope. I sealed the envelope and on the %ront o% it I wrote the name o%
Mr. ?!rvis and the address on 3en%r"n .treet. All in blo#& #apitals. -hen I li#&ed and
%i0ed the stamp. I thin& that in those da"s it wo!ld have been a %o!r*#ent stamp.
;!st o!tside the shop was a mail #h!te. I slipped the envelope into it there in the wide
lower #orridor o% the Arts B!ilding with people passing me on their wa" to #lasses on
their wa" to have a smo&e and ma"be a game o% bridge in the Common Room.
Most o% them on a #o!rse as I was o% getting to &now the wa"s o% their own wi#&edness.
I &ept on learning things. I learned that Uri#on the Roman #amp is now )ro0eter a
town on the .evern River.