The Disconnection Cancer: How to Avoid It

Remember when you were happy and liked your spouse? When you cared about your
partners needs and interests? Not so much anymore, right? Now youre too busy to
even pretend to care. Youre running around like a madman (or woman) working,
running the kids from activity to activity, trying to catch up with friends & family, and
buying all sorts of things you dont need. Okay Im exaggerating, but the point is, when
youre stressed, worn out and distracted, thats when the feeling of being disconnected
starts to seep in. Disconnection in relationships can be compared to a cancerous tumour.
It subtly builds its energy under the cover of the white noise of day to day stressors and
by the time youre fully aware of it, it has already become a serious threat that is
spreading like wildfire.

As human beings, we all have physical and psychological needs that we strive to fulfill
on a daily basis. However, the degree and priority of need can vary significantly among
individuals depending on many factors such as past experiences, culture, conditioning,
genetics and gender. In general, men have a greater need for sex and women have a
greater need for emotional support. Not surprisingly, women often withhold sex when
their emotional needs are not being met whereas men withhold emotional support when
their need for sex is not satisfied. When we have unmet needs, whether sexual, emotional,
or other, we start seeking ways to meet those needs. The problem is we don't
always come up with the best solutions. For example, a woman may turn to another
man because she feels emotionally unfulfilled in her marriage or a man may turn to
pornography because he feels sexually unfulfilled. These solutions obviously wont
work and will only serve to create a deeper level of disconnection. The real solution is to
align with each others needs and values. By understanding the Five Relationship Poisons,
you can avoid the disconnection cancer and get what you really want: authentic
connection with your partner.


Relationship Poison #1: RESENTMENT

If most men asked their wife, please complete this sentence: I never mentioned it at the
time but it really bothered me when you Most women could complete this sentence
without missing a beat and it might be stuff from three years ago. Like a missile it is just
sitting there waiting to be launched. In a memory contest like this, most men dont stand
a chance. Its like a tiger against a turkey. Its not to say men are not guilty of resentment,
they are. However they are usually better at suppressing their emotions. But heres the
thing in time, these "unforgivens" take a life of their own. Its as though they go
airborne and circle high above your head like buzzards ready to pick at your bones. It is
on the day you have an argument that they begin to land. One after another after another.
You almost stand in awe of the powers marshalled against you. These resentments lead to
blame, criticism, defensiveness and full blown communication breakdowns. Simply put,
the end result is disconnection. When there is resentment attached to a relationship, there
really is no relationship. Thats the disconnect, and until its resolved, there will continue
to be no relationship.

SOLUTION = GENUINE FORGIVENESS (a spouse with a poor memory wouldnt hurt
either!).


Relationship Poison #2: I NSECURI TY

We all have insecurities, worries about whether we measure up, whether were good
enough, pretty enough, smart enough or whether anyone is going to love us for who we
really are. Even the most beautiful, intelligent, successful, spiritual, and normal people
have insecurities, including movie stars, professional athletes, supermodels, etc. No
matter how confident and perfect someone may appear, they have also experienced
traumatic events, loss, fears, and challenges. Dont be fooled into believing that they
dont have their share of insecurities to deal with.

Most of us end up carrying these insecurities into our relationships and then we put the
responsibility on our partner to make us feel secure. We usually do this by resorting to
control tactics. These tactics can be passive or aggressive. Passive tactics can be guilt
tripping, nagging, pouting, ignoring or giving the silent treatment. Aggressive tactics can
be shouting, name calling, intimidation, threats, blaming, or even physical abuse. When
we try to shut our partner down by manipulating and controlling them (or allow them to
shut us down), we end up feeling disconnected not only from our partner but from
ourselves.

What would happen if we grew up and owned our insecurities? What if we could say,
Im feeling insecure and have an honest conversation about it instead of putting the
load on our partner?

SOLUTION = DEAL WITH YOUR INSECURITIES and stop using control tactics.


Relationship Poison #3: EXPECTATI ONS

Too many times we focus on what we want/need from the other person versus what we
can bring to the relationship. Instead of asking: What have you done for me lately? ask
yourself what YOU are bringing to the relationship. If youre not bringing value and are
only in it to take-take-take, you will end up feeling disconnected and so will your partner.
A good relationship should have a positive energy return. Think of it as 1 + 1 = 3,
meaning when we bring out the best in each other, we add value and together we become
greater than the sum of our parts. Unfortunately it seems many relationships have an
energy balance in the negative (1 + 1= minus 2). When a relationship has a negative
energy return, it means our needs are not being met. When our mental/emotional, sexual,
and recreational needs are not being met, were not happy. And when were not happy,
we tend to make other people unhappy, usually starting with our partner. We start putting
expectations on them to give us what we need. Then when they dont meet our
expectations, we punish them by not meeting any of their needs. It doesnt take long
before this destructive cycle leads to both partners feeling empty and disconnected.

SOLUTION = MAKE A DAILY COMMITMENT to dropping expectations and looking
for ways to add value to the relationship.


Relationship Poison #4: DI SHONESTY

How many of us go into a relationship, and lose ourselves in it? Even if you had yourself
to begin with, you give up what you had in order to be in the relationship. Why is that?
Do you think that if people knew the truth about you your dark side, your disturbing
thoughts, your Pandoras box containing all thats happened to you, all the bad things
youve done, all of your insecurities, true preferences, etc. that you wouldnt be worthy of
love and connection? This belief causes many to create a false self, put on masks, and be
dishonest about everything that doesnt fit with the false identity. This requires a great
deal of role-playing and is intensely energy consuming. This inauthenticity and lack of
integrity creates a great internal conflict related to the fear of being discovered and
subsequently rejected. When you are not accepting of who you really are, dark side and
all, you are rejecting yourself out of fear of being rejected by others. This self-rejection is
the worst form of self-violence and it creates a disconnect in all of your relationships. If
youre not being honest, you will think it is your partner who is rejecting you, but in
essence it is you who is rejecting you. In many cases, your partner has not even had a
chance to meet the real you!

Being honest takes immense courage because it makes us feel naked. Were afraid of
what we might lose if were honest (i.e.: love, respect, admiration, worth, etc.). And often
times we dont trust ourselves to communicate from a vulnerable place because when
weve tried, we were criticized, put down, rejected or shut down, and maybe even lost
something or someone. But when you commit to being honest and true to yourself, you
will likely find that youre not as bad as you thought and from this, you will create
openings for the authentic connections you are seeking.

SOLUTION = COMMUNICATE HONESTLY using the language of responsibility and
ownership.


Relationship poison #5: FEAR

What are YOU afraid of? Failure, rejection, abandonment, commitment, being alone,
death, loss of a job, or all of the above? If youre living in fear, youre not really living.
This is what I call survival mode, and living like this is optional. Fear is the bodys
mechanism to avoid pain, real or perceived. Ask yourself: What is the pain youre trying
to avoid? By understanding the underlying pain youre trying to avoid, you can
understand your fears and how they are working against you in your relationships. I
sometimes compare the human condition to being a badly-wired robot. Our bodies are
programmed for survival. Our DNA has its own agenda. It doesnt care about your
happiness, just its own survival. It will highjack you to go against our own best interests
because the primitive part of your brain is programmed to avoid pain at all cost. So even
if your soul knows whats right for you, if there is pain associated to it, even if its only
short-term, the survival part of your brain will keep you in fear to ensure you avoid it.

We need to understand that there are competing interests at play and that without constant
awareness, we will be driven by our fears. Life simply becomes an exercise of using fear
to try to avoid pain, but it is actually the fear of pain that keeps us in pain.

Are you sleep-walking through life, only dreaming you are awake or are you consciously
creating your life? Are you living in fear, just following The Program like a little robot
programmed to simply survive?

SOLUTION = FACE YOUR FEARS and stop deluding yourself into believing you can
run from it forever.



The disconnection cancer cannot flourish in a loving and harmonious environment. It
needs relationship poisons to survive. Banish these poisons from your relationship today
and uncover true connection. You deserve it! Remember that to be in harmony with
someone else first requires you to hold your own note. Only then can you truly make
music with someone else.

Sincerely,
Lise Leblanc


www.fillmeupcards.com