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dorislessing

oncats
Copyright
ON CATS. Copyright 1967 by Doris Lessing
Productions Ltd, Doris Lessing 1989, 2000, 2002.
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contents
particularlycats 1
rufusthesurvivor 177
theoldageofelmagnico 217
AbouttheAuthor
Credits
Cover
Copyright
AboutthePublisher
particularlycats
chapterone
Thehousebeingonahill,hawks,eagles,birdsof
preythatlayspirallingonaircurrentsoverthebush
wereoftenateyelevel,sometimesbelowit.Youd
lookdownonsun-glisteningbrownandblackwings,
asix-footspreadofthem,tiltingasthebirdbanked
onacurve.Downintheelds,youcouldlievery
stillinafurrow,preferablywheretheploughhad
bittendeepasitturned,underascreenofgrassand
leaves.Legs,toopaleagainstreddish-brownsoilin
spiteofsunburn,hadtobescatteredwithearth,or
dug into it. Hundreds of feet up, a dozen birds
circled,alleyeingtheeldforsmallmovementof
mouse, birds, or mole. You would choose one,
straight overhead perhaps; perhaps for a moment
fancy an exchanged glance eye to eye: the cold
3
dorislessing
staring eye of the bird into coldly curious human
eye. Under the narrow bulletlike body between
greatpoisedwingstheclawswereheldready.After
a half minute, or twenty, the bird plummeted
straightontothetinycreatureithadchosen;then
upandawayitwentinawidesteadybeatofwings,
leavingbehindaneddyofreddustandahotrank
smell.Theskywasasithadbeen:atallbluesilent
spacewithitsscatteredgroupsofwheelingbirds.
But up on the hill a hawk might easily zoom in
sidewaysfromtheaircircuitwhereithadbeenlying
tochooseitspreyoneofourchickens.Oreven
yuphillalongoneoftheroadsthroughthebush,
thegreatspreadofwingsheldcautiousagainstover-
hangofbranch:birdacting,surely,againstitsnature
inspeedingthusalonganairavenuethroughtrees
ratherthandroppingthroughairtoearth?
Ourchickenswere,oratleastthatishowtheir
enemiessawit,analwaysrenewedsupplyofmeat
forthehawks,owls,andwildcatsformilesaround.
From sunup till sundown, fowls moved over the
exposed crown ofthe hill, marked for marauders
4
particularlycats
by gleaming black, brown, white feathers, and a
continuous clucking, crowing, scratching and
strutting.
OnthefarmsinAfricaitisthecustomtocut
thetopsoffparafnandpetroltinsandxglistening
squaresofmetaltoashinthesun.Toscarethe
birdsoff,itissaid.ButIveseenahawkcomein
fromatreetotakeafatdrowsyhenoffherhatching
eggs, and that with dogs, cats, and people, black
and white, all around her. And once, sitting at a
domesticspreadofteaoutsidethehouse,adozen
people were witness to a half-grown kitten being
snatchedfromtheshadeunderabushbyaswooping
hawk.Duringthelonghotsilenceofmidday,the
sudden squawking or crowing or ustering of
feathersmightasoftenmeanthatahawkhadtaken
afowlasthatacockhadtrodahen.Therewere
plentyofchickensthough.Andsomanyhawksthere
was no point in shooting them. At any moment,
standingonthehilllookingatthesky,therewas
certaintobeacirclingbirdwithinhalfamile.A
couple of hundred feet below it, a tiny patch of
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dorislessing
shadowittedovertrees,overelds.Sittingquiet
under a tree Ive seen creatures freeze, or go to
coverwhenthewarningshadowfromgreatwings
farabovetouchedthemordarkenedmomentarily
thelightongrass,leaves.Therewasneveronlyone
bird.Two,three,fourbirdscircledinabunch.Why
justthere,youdwonder?Ofcourse!Theywereall
working,atdifferentlevels,thesameairspiral.A
bit further off, another group. Careful looking
and the sky was full of black specks; or, if the
sunlight caught them just so, shining specks, like
motesinashaftoflightfromawindow.Inallthose
milesofblueair,howmanyhawks?Hundreds?And
everyoneofthemabletomakethejourneytoour
fowlockinafewminutes.
So the hawks were not shot. Unless in rage. I
remember,whenthatkittenvanishedmewinginto
theskyinthehawksclaws,mymotherexploded
theshotgunafterit.Futilelyofcourse.
Ifthedayhourswereforhawks,dawnanddusk
wereforowls.Thechickenswereshooedintotheir
runsasthesunwentdown,buttheowlssatintheir
6
particularlycats
houronthetrees;andalatesleepyowlmighttake
abirdintheveryearlysunlightastherunswere
opened.
Hawksforsunlight;owlsforhalf-light;butfor
thenight,cats,wildcats.
Andheretherewassomepointinusingagun.
Birdswerefreetomoveoverthousandsofmilesof
sky.Acathadalair,amate,kittensatleasta
lair.Whenonechoseourhilltoliveon,weshot
it. Cats came at night to the fowl-runs, found
impossibly small gaps in walls or wire. Wild cats
matedwithourcats,luredpeacefuldomesticpussies
off to dangerous lives in the bush for which, we
were convinced, they were not tted. Wild cats
brought into dubious question the status of our
comfortablebeasts.
Onedaytheblackmanwhoworkedinthekitchen
saidhehadseenawildcatinatreehalfwaydown
thehill.Mybrotherwasnotthere;soItookthe
.22rieandwentafterit.Itwashighmidday:not
thetimeforwildcats.Onahalf-growntree,the
catwasstretchedalongabranch,spitting.Itsgreen
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dorislessing
eyesglared.Wildcatsarenotprettycreatures.They
haveuglyyellowy-brownfur,whichisrough.And
theysmellbad.Thiscathadtakenachickeninthe
last twelve hours. The earth under the tree was
scatteredwithwhitefeathersandbitsofmeatthat
alreadystank.Wehatedwildcats,whichspatand
clawedandhissedandhatedus.Thiswasawildcat.
I shot it. It slumped off the branch to my feet,
writhedalittleamongblowingwhitefeathers,and
laystill.UsuallyIwouldhavepickedupthatcarcass
byitsmangysmellytailanddroppeditintoanearby
disusedwell.Butsomethingbotheredmeaboutthis
cat.Ibenttolookatit.Theshapeofitsheadwas
wrongforawildcat;andthefur,roughasitwas,
wastoosoftforwildcatfur.Ihadtoadmitit.This
wasnowildcat,itwasoneofours.Werecognized
it,thatuglycorpse,asMinnie,anenchantingpet
fromtwoyearsbeforewhohaddisappearedtaken,
wethought,byahawkoranowl.Minniehadbeen
halfPersian,asoftcaressingcreature.Thiswasshe,
thechicken-eater.And,notfarfromthetreewhere
shewasshot,wefoundalitterofwildkittens;but
8
particularlycats
thesewerereallywild,andhumanbeingsweretheir
enemies: our legs and arms were bitten and
scratchedinproofofit.Sowedestroyedthem.Or
rather,mymothersawthattheyweredestroyed;
becausesomelawofthehouseholdIdidnotuntil
muchlaterreectaboutmadethissortofnastywork
hers.
Ifyouthinkaboutitalittle:therewerealways
cats at the house. No vet nearer than Salisbury,
seventymilesoff.NodoctoringofcatsthatIcan
remember,certainlynotoffemalecats.Catsmean
kittens,plentifulandfrequent.Someonehadtoget
ridofunwantedkittens.PerhapstheAfricanswho
workedinthehouseandkitchen?Icanremember
howoftenthewordsbulalayenasounded.(Killit!)
Thewoundedandweaklyanimalsandbirdsofthe
houseandfarm:bulalayena!
But there was a shotgun in the house, and a
revolver,anditwasmymotherwhousedthem.
Snakes,forinstance,wereusuallydealtwithby
her.Wealwayshadsnakes.Thissoundsdramatic,
andIsupposeitwas;buttheyweresomethingwe
9
dorislessing
livedwith.IwasnotnearlyasafraidofthemasI
wasofspidersenormous,variousandinnumer-
able,thatmademylifeamisery.Therewerecobras,
blackmambas,puff-addersandnight-adders.Anda
particularly nasty one called a boomslang whose
habititistocoilaroundabranch,averandahpost,
somethingofftheground,andspitintothefacesof
those disturbing it. It is often somewhere at eye
level, so people get blinded. But through twenty
yearsofsnakes,theonlybadthingthathappened
waswhenaboomslangspatintomybrotherseyes.
HissightwassavedbyanAfricanwhousedbush
medicine.
Butalarmswerealwaysbeingsounded.Theres
asnakeinthekitchen;orontheverandah;orin
the dining-room; everywhere, it seemed. Once I
nearlypickedanight-adderup,mistakingitfora
skeinofdarningwool.Butitfearedmerst,and
its hissing saved us both: I ran; and it got away.
Onceasnakegotintothewritingdeskwhichwas
a nest of paper-stacked pigeon-holes. It took my
motherandtheservantshourstofrightenthecrea-
10
particularlycats
tureoutsothatshecouldshootit.Onceasnake,
amamba,gotunderthegrainbininthestorehut.
Shehadtolieonhersideandshootthethingfrom
afootaway.
Asnakeinthewoodpileraisedanalarm;andI
causedthedeathofafavouritecatbysayingIhad
seenthesnakecreepinginbetweentwologs.What
I had seen was the cats tail. My mother shot at
somethinggreyishthatmoved;andoutshriekedthe
cat,itssideblownout,allredandraw.Itthrashed
andyelledamongthewoodchips,itssmallbleeding
heartshowingbetweenfragilebrokenribs.Itdied,
while my mother wept and petted it. Meanwhile
thecobrawasloopedaroundahighlogacoupleof
yardsaway.
Onceagreattumultofshoutsandwarnings;and
there,onarockypathbetweenhibiscusbushesand
Christs-thorn,wasacatincombatwithaslimdark
dancingsnake.Thesnakecreptintotheyard-wide
thornhedgeandstayedthere,glitteringitseyesat
thecat,whocouldnotgetnearit.Thecatstayed
thereallafternoon,walkingaroundthethornymass
11
dorislessing
which held the snake, spitting at it, hissing at it,
miaowing.Butwhenthedarkcame,thesnakecrept
away,unharmed.
Flashesofmemory,storieswithoutbeginningsor
ends.Whathappenedtothecatwholaystretched
outonmymothersbed,miaowingwithpain,its
eyesswollenupfromaspittingsnake?Orthecat
whocamecryingintothehouse,herbellydragging
tothegroundwithunusedmilk?Wewenttosee
toherkittensintheoldboxinthetool-shed,but
theyweregone;andtheservantexaminedmarksin
thedustaroundtheboxandsaid,Nyoka.Asnake.
Inchildhood,people,animals,eventsappear,are
accepted, vanish, with no explanation offered or
askedfor.
Butnow,rememberingcats,alwayscats,ahun-
dredincidentsinvolvingcats,yearsandyearsofcats,
I am astounded at the hard work they must have
meant.InLondonnowIhavetwocats;andoften
enoughIsay,Whatnonsensethatoneshouldhave
allthistroubleandworryonaccountoftwosmall
animals.
12
particularlycats
All that work would have been done by my
mother.Farmworkfortheman;houseworkforthe
woman,evenifthehousedidinvolvesoverymuch
moreworkthanoneassociateswithhouseworkin
a town. It was her work, too, because a nature
claimsthelabourthatgoeswithit.Shewashumane,
sensible,shrewd.Shewasaboveall,andinevery
detail,practical.Butmorethanthat:shewasone
ofthatpartofhumankindwhichunderstandshowthings
work;andworkswiththem.Agrimenoughrole.
My father understood well enough; he was a
countryman.Buthisattitudecameoutasprotest;
when something had to be done, steps had to be
taken,analstandwasbeingmadeandmymother
wasmakingit.Sothatsthat!Isuppose!hedsay,
inironicangerwhichwasalsoadmiring.Nature,
hedsay,capitulating,isallverywell,ifitskept
initsplace.
Butmymother,natureherelement,indeedher
dutyandherburden,didnotwastetimeonsenti-
mentalphilosophy.Itsallverywellforyou,isnt
it?shedsay;humorous,humorousifitkilledher;
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dorislessing
but resentful of course, for it was not my father
whodrownedthekittens,shotthesnake,killedthe
diseasedfowl,orburnedsulphurinthewhiteant
nest:myfatherlikedwhiteants,enjoyedwatching
them.
Whichmakesitevenhardertounderstandwhat
ledtothefrightfulweekendwhenIwasleftalone
withmyfatherandaboutfortycats.
AllIcanrememberfromthattimeintheway
ofexplanationistheremark:Shesgotsoft-hearted
andcantbeartodrownakitten.
Itwassaidwithimpatience,withirritationand
frommecoldhardanger.AtthattimeIwas
incombatwithmymother,aghttothedeath,a
ghtforsurvival,andperhapsthathadsomething
to do with it, I dont know. But I now wonder,
appalled, what sort of breakdown in her courage
hadtakenplace.Orperhapsitwasaprotest?What
innermiseriesexpressedthemselvesso?Whatwas
sheinfactsayingduringthatyearwhenshewould
notdrownkittens,orhaveputtodeaththecatswho
badlyneededit?And,nally,whydidshegoaway
14
particularlycats
andleaveustwo,knowingperfectlywell,becauseshe
musthaveknown,sinceitwasloudlyandfrequently
threatened,whatwasgoingtohappen?
Ayear,less,ofmymothersrefusaltoacther
roleasregulator,arbiter,balancebetweensenseand
thesenselessproliferationsofnature,hadresulted
inthehouse,theshedsaroundthehouse,thebush
that surrounded the farmstead, being infested by
cats.Catsofallages;catstameandwildandthe
stages in between; cats mangy and sore-eyed and
maimed and crippled. Worse, there were half a
dozencatsinkitten.Therewasnothingtoprevent
us,withinafewweeks,frombecomingthebattle-
groundforahundredcats.
Somethinghadtobedone.Myfathersaidit.I
saidit.Theservantssaidit.Mymothertightened
herlips,saidnothing,butwentaway.Beforeshe
leftshesaidgoodbyetoherfavouritepuss,anold
tabbywhowasthemotherofthemall.Shestroked
her gently, and cried. That I do remember, my
feelingoffutilitybecauseIcouldnotunderstandthe
helplessnessofthosetears.
15
dorislessing
Themomentshehadgone,myfathersaidseveral
times,Well,itsgottobedone,hasntit?Yes,it
had;andsoherangupthevetintown.Notatall
asimplebusinessthis.Thetelephonewasonaline
sharedbytwentyotherfarmers.Onehadtowait
until the gossiping and the farm news had fallen
silent;thenringupthestation;thenaskforaline
totown.Theycalledbackwhentherewasaline
free.Itmighttakeanhour,twohours.Itmadeit
muchworse,havingtowait,watchingthecats,wish-
ingtheuglybusinessover.Wesat,sidebyside,on
thetableinthedining-room,waitingforthetele-
phone to give our particular ring. At last we got
thevet,whosaidtheleastcruelwaytokillgrown
catswastochloroformthem.Therewasnochem-
istsshopnearerthanSinoia,twentymilesoff.We
drovetoSinoia,butthechemistsshopwasshutfor
the weekend. From Sinoia we rang Salisbury and
askedachemisttoputalargebottleofchloroform
onthetrainnextday.Hesaidhewouldtry.That
night we sat out in front of the house under the
stars;whichiswhereoureveningswerespentunless
16
particularlycats
it rained. We were miserable, angry, guilty. We
wenttobedveryearlytomakethetimepass.Next
daywasSaturday.Wedrovetothestation,butthe
chloroformwasnotonthetrain.OnSundayacat
gavebirthtosixkittens.Theywerealldeformed:
there was something wrong with each of them.
Inbreeding, my father said it was. If so, it is a
remarkable thing that less than a year of it could
transform a few healthy animals into an army of
ragged sick cripples. The servant disposed of the
newkittens,andwespentanothermiserableday.
OnMondaywedrovetothestation,metthetrain,
andcamebackwiththechloroform.Mymotherwas
to come back on Monday night. We got a large
air-tight biscuit tin, put an old sad sick cat into
it,withatamponsoakedinchloroform.Idonot
recommendthismethod.Thevetsaiditwouldbe
instantaneous;butitwasnot.
In the end, the cats were rounded up and put
intoaroom.Myfatherwentintotheroomwith
his First World War revolver, more reliable, he
said,thanashotgun.Thegunsoundedagain,again,
17
dorislessing
again,again.Thecatsthatwerestilluncaughthad
sensedtheirfateandwereragingandscreamingall
overthebush,withpeopleafterthem.Myfather
came out of the room at one point, very white,
with tight angry lips and wet eyes. He was sick.
Thenhesworeagooddeal,thenhewentbackinto
the room and the shooting continued. At last he
cameout.Theservantswentinandcarriedoffthe
corpsestothedisusedwell.
Someofthecatshadescapedthreenevercame
back at all to the murderous household, so they
musthavegonewildandtakentheirchances.When
mymotherreturnedfromhertrip,andtheneigh-
bour who had brought her had gone, she walked
quietanduncommentingthroughthehousewhere
therewasnowonecat,heroldfavourite,asleepon
herbed.Mymotherhadnotaskedforthiscatto
bespared,becauseitwasold,andnotverywell.
Butshewaslookingforit;andshesatalongtime
stroking and talking to it. Then she came out to
theverandah.TheresatmyfatherandthereIsat,
murderers, and feeling it. She sat down. He was
18
particularlycats
rollingacigarette.Hishandswerestillshaking.He
lookedupatherandsaid:Thatmustneverhappen
again.
AndIsupposeitneverdid.
Iwasangryovertheholocaustofcats,becauseof
its preventable necessity; but I dont remember
grieving.Iwasinsulatedagainstthatbecauseofmy
anguishoverthedeathofacatsomeyearsbefore,
whenIwaseleven.Isaidthenoverthecoldheavy
bodythatwas,inexplicably,thefeather-lightcrea-
tureofyesterday:Neveragain.ButIhadswornthat
before,andIknewit.WhenIwasthree,myparents
said,Iwasoutforawalkwiththenurse,inTehran,
andinspiteofherprotests,hadpickedupastarving
kittenfromthestreetandcomehomewithit.This
wasmykitten,theysaidIsaid,andIfoughtforit
whenthehouseholdrefusedtogiveitshelter.They
washeditinpermanganatebecauseitwaslthy;and
thereafteritsleptonmybed.Iwouldnotletitbe
taken away from me. But of course it must have
been,forthefamilyleftPersia,andthecatstayed
19
dorislessing
behind.Orperhapsitdied.Perhapsbuthowdo
I know? Anyway, somewhere back there, a very
smallgirlhadfoughtforandwonacatwhokept
herdaysandnightscompany;andthenshelostit.
Afteracertainageandforsomeofusthatcan
beveryyoungtherearenonewpeople,beasts,
dreams, faces, events: it has all happened before,
they have appeared before, masked differently,
wearing different clothes, another nationality, an-
othercolour;butthesame,thesame,andeverything
is an echo and a repetition; and there is no grief
eventhatitisnotarecurrenceofsomethinglong
outofmemorythatexpressesitselfinunbelievable
anguish, days of tears, loneliness, knowledge of
betrayalandallforasmall,thin,dyingcat.
Iwassickthatwinter.Itwasinconvenientbecause
mybigroomwasduetobewhitewashed.Iwasput
in the little room at the end of the house. The
house,nearlybutnotquiteonthecrownofthehill,
alwaysseemedasifitmightslideoffintothemaize
eldsbelow.Thistinyroom,notmorethanaslice
offtheendofthehouse,hadadoor,alwaysopen,
20
particularlycats
andwindows, alwaysopen,in spiteof thewindy
coldofaJulywhoseskieswereaninterminablelight
clear blue. The sky, full of sunshine; the elds,
sunlit.Butcold,verycold.Thecat,abluish-grey
Persian, arrived purring on my bed, and settled
down toshare mysickness, myfood, mypillow,
mysleep.WhenIwokeinthemornings,myface
turnedtohalf-frozenlinen;theoutsideofthefur
blanket on the bed was cold; the smell of fresh
whitewashfromnextdoorwascoldandantiseptic;
thewindliftingandlayingthedustoutsidethedoor
was cold but in the crook of my arm, a light
purringwarmth,thecat,myfriend.
Atthebackofthehouseawoodentubwaslet
intotheearth,outsidethebathroom,tocatchthe
bathwater.Nopipescarryingwatertotapsonthat
farm:waterwasfetchedbyox-drawncartwhenit
wasneeded,fromthewellacoupleofmilesoff.
Throughthemonthsofthedryseasontheonlywater
forthegardenwasthedirtybathwater.Thecatfell
into this tub when it was full of hot water. She
screamed,waspulledoutintoachillwind,washed
21
dorislessing
in permanganate, for the tub was lthy and held
leavesanddustaswellassoapywater,wasdried,
andputintomybedtowarm.Butshesneezedand
wheezedandthengrewburninghotwithfever.She
hadpneumonia.Wedosedherwithwhattherewas
inthehouse,butthatwasbeforeantibiotics,andso
shedied.Foraweekshelayinmyarmspurring,
purring,inaroughtremblinghoarselittlevoicethat
became weaker, then was silent; licked my hand;
openedenormousgreeneyeswhenIcalledhername
and besought her to live; closed them, died, and
wasthrownintothedeepshaftoverahundred
feetdeepitwaswhichhadgonedry,becausethe
undergroundwaterstreamshadchangedtheircourse
oneyearandleftwhatwehadbelievedwasareliable
welladry,cracked,rockyshaftthatwassoonhalf
lledwithrubbish,tincansandcorpses.
Thatwasit.Neveragain.AndforyearsImatched
catsinfriendshouses,catsinshops,catsonfarms,
catsin thestreet, catson walls,cats inmemory,
with thatgentle blue-grey purringcreature which
formewasthecat,theCat,nevertobereplaced.
22
particularlycats
And besides, for some years my life did not
includeextras,unnecessaries,adornments.Catshad
noplaceinanexistencespentalwaysmovingfrom
placetoplace,roomtoroom.Acatneedsaplace
asmuchasitneedsapersontomakeitsown.
Andsoitwasnottilltwenty-veyearslaterthat
mylifehadroomforacat.
23
chaptertwo
ThatwasinalargeuglyatinEarlsCourt.What
wasneeded,wedecided,wasatoughuncomplicated
undemandingcatabletofendforitselfinwhatwas
clearly,andatanyglancefromtherearwindow,a
savage battle for power along the walls and back
yards.Itshouldcatchmiceandratsandotherwise
eatwhatwasputbeforeit.Itshouldnotbepurebred
andthereforedelicate.
Thisformulahadofcoursenothingtodowith
London,itrelatedtoAfrica.Forinstance,onthe
farmwefedcatsbowlsofwarmmilkasthepails
came up from the milking; favourites got scraps
from the table; but they never got meat they
caught their own. If they got sick, and had not
recoveredinafewdays,theyweredestroyed.And
24
particularlycats
onafarmyoucankeepadozencatswithoutthought
of a dirt box. As for the battles and balances of
power, they were fought and defended over a
cushion,achair,aboxinthecornerofashed,a
tree,apatchofshade.Theycarvedoutterritories
forthemselvesagainsteachother,wildcats,andthe
farmdogs.Afarmhouseisopenterrainandtherefore
thereismuchmoreghtingthaninacity,wherea
cat,acoupleofcats,willownahouseoraatand
defendtheseagainstvisitorsorassailants.Whatthese
twocatswilldotoeachotherinsidetheboundary
lineisanothermatter.Butthedefencelineagainst
aliensisthebackdoor.Afriendofmineoncehad
to put a dirt box inside the house for weeks, in
London,becausehertomcatwasinastateofsiege
fromadozenotherswhosatallaroundthewalls
andtreesofthegarden,waitingforakill.Thenthe
tidesofwaroweddifferently,andhewasableto
claimhisowngardenagain.
Mycatwasahalf-grownblack-and-whitefemale
of undistinguished origin, guaranteed to be clean
andamenable.Shewasaniceenoughbeast,butI
25
dorislessing
didnotloveher;neversuccumbed;was,inshort,
protectingmyself.Ithoughtherneurotic,overanxi-
ous,fussy;butthatwasunfair,becauseatowncats
lifeissounnaturalthatitneverlearnstheindepen-
denceafarmcathas.Iwasbotheredbecauseshe
waitedforpeopletocomehomelikeadog;must
beinthesameroomandbepaidattentionlikea
dog; must have human attendance when she had
kittens.Asforherfoodhabits,shewonthatbattle
intherstweek.Shenever,notonce,ateanything
butlightlycookedcalvesliver,andlightlyboiled
whiting.Wheredidshegetthesetastes?Idemanded
of her ex-owner, who of course did not know. I
putdowntinnedfoodforher,andscrapsfromthe
table;butitwasntuntilwewereeatingliverthat
she showed interest. Liver it was to be. And she
wouldnoteatlivercookedinanythingbutbutter.
OnceIdecidedtostarveherintosubmission.Rid-
iculous that a cat should be fed, etc., etc., when
peopleinotherpartsoftheworldarestarving,etc.
ForvedaysIputdowncatfood,putdowntable
scraps. For ve days she looked critically at the
26
particularlycats
plate,andwalkedoff.Iwouldtakeupthestalefood
everyevening,openanewtin,rellhermilkbowl.
Shesaunteredover,inspectedwhatIhadprovided,
tookalittlemilk,strolledaway.Shegotthinner.
Shemusthavebeenveryhungry.Butintheendit
wasIwhocracked.
Atthebackofthatbighouseawoodenstairway
leddownfromtherst-oorlandingtotheyard.
Thereshesat,abletosurveyhalfadozenyards,the
street, a shed. When she rst arrived, cats came
fromallaroundtoexaminethenewcomer.Shesat
onthetopstep,abletoyindoorsiftheycametoo
close.Shewashalfthesizeofthebigwaitingtom-
cats.Muchtooyoung,Ithought,togetpregnant;
butbeforeshewasfullygrownshewaspregnant,
and it did her no good to have kittens when she
wasstilloneherself.
Which brings me to our old friend nature.
Which is supposed to know so well. In a state
ofnature,doesashe-catbecomepregnantbefore
she is fully grown? Does she have kittens four,
vetimesayear,sixtoalitter?Ofcourse,acat
27
dorislessing
isnotonlyaneaterofmiceandbirds;sheisalso
provider of food for the hawks that lie in the
air over the trees where she is hidden with her
kittens. A baby kitten, strolling out from shelter
initsrstcuriosity,willvanishintotheclawsofa
hawk.Verylikelyashe-catoccupiedwithcatching
foodforherselfandherkittenswillbeabletopro-
tectonlyonekitten,perhapstwo.Itisnoticeable
thatatamecat,ifshehassix,vekittens,andyou
taketwoaway,willhardlynotice:shellcomplain,
lookforthembriey,andthenitisforgotten.But
ifshehastwokittens,andonedisappearsbeforeits
propertimeforgoing,aftersixweeks,thensheis
inafrenzyofanxietyandwilllookforitallover
thehouse.Alitterofsixkittensinawarmbasket
inatownhousecanbeseen,perhaps,aseagleand
hawk fodder in the wrong place? But then, how
inexibleisnature,howunpliable:ifcatshavebeen
the friends of man for so many centuries, could
nature not have adapted itself, just a little, away
fromtheformula:veorsixkittenstoalitter,four
timesayear?
28
particularlycats
Thiscatsrstlitterwasheraldedbymuchcom-
plaint.Sheknewsomethingwasgoingtohappen;
and was making sure somebody would be around
when it did. On the farm, cats went off to have
kittens in some well-hidden and dark place; and
theyreappearedamonthlaterwiththeirbroodto
introducethemtothemilkbowls.Icantremember
havingtoprovideoneofourfarmcatswithalit-
tering place. The black-and-white cat was offered
baskets,cupboards,thebottomofwardrobes.She
didnotseemtolikeanyofthem,butfollowedus
aroundfortwodaysbeforethebirth,rubbingup
against our legs and miaowing. When she started
labour, it was on the kitchen oor, and that was
because people were in the kitchen. A cold blue
linoleum,andonit,afatcat,miaowingforatten-
tion,purringanxiously,watchingherattendantsin
casetheylefther.Webroughtinabasket,puther
initandlefttodosomework.Shefollowed.Soit
wasclearwemuststaywithher.Shelabouredfor
hoursandhours.Atlasttherstkittenappeared,
butitwasthewrongway.Onepersonheldthecat,
29
dorislessing
anotherpulledtheslipperybacklegsofthekitten.
Itcameout,buttheheadgotstuck.Thecatbitand
scratched and yelled. A contraction expelled the
kitten, and at once the half-demented cat turned
around and bit the kitten at the back of its neck
and it died. When the other four kittens were
safely born, the dead one proved to be the big-
gest and strongest. That cat had six litters, and
eachlitterhadvekittens,andshekilledtherst-
born kitten in each litter, because she had such
pain with it. Apart from this, she was a good
mother.
Thefatherwasaverylargeblackcatwithwhom,
whenshewasonheat,shewentrollingaroundthe
yard;andwho,otherwise,wouldsitonthebottom
stepofthewoodenightlickinghisfur,whileshe
sat on the top step licking hers. She did not like
himcomingintotheatchasedhimout.When
the kittens were at the stage that they could nd
theirwaydowntotheyard,theysatonthesteps,
one, two, three, four, all mixtures of black and
white,andlookedinfearatthebigwatchfultom.
30
particularlycats
Themother,nally,wouldgorst,tailerect,ignor-
ingtheblackcat.Thekittenswentafterher,past
him.Intheyardshetaughtthemcleanlinesswhile
hewatched.Thenshecamerstupthesteps;and
theycameafter,one,two,three,four.
Theywouldeatnothingbutlightlycookedliver,
and lightly boiled whiting; which fact I concealed
fromtheirpotentialowners.
Mice were only objects of interest to that cat,
andtoallherkittens.
The at had a contrivance Ive not seen in
any other London place. Someone had taken a
dozenbricksoutofthekitchenwall,putametal
grille on the outside, and a door on the inside;
sotherewasasortoffoodsafeinthewall,unsani-
taryifyoulike,butitlledtheplaceofthatobso-
lete necessity, a larder. There bread and cheese
couldbekeptinthepropercoolbutunrefrigerated
conditionswheretheyremainedmoist.Tothisbaby
larder,however,camemice.Theylivedinthewalls,
and hadbeen conditionedaway from anybut the
most vestigial fear of humans. If I came suddenly
31
dorislessing
into the kitchen and found a mouse, it would
lookatme,bright-eyed,andwaitformetogo.If
Istayedandkeptquiet,itignoredme,andwenton
lookingforfood.IfImadealoudnoiseorthrew
somethingatit,itslippedintothewall,butwithout
panic.
Iwasunabletobringmyselftoputdownasteel
trapforthesecondingcreatures;Ifelt,however,
thatacatwas,sotospeak,playingfair.Butthecat
hadtakennonoticeofthemice.OnedayIcame
intothekitchenandsawthecatlyingonthekitchen
table,watchingtwomiceontheoor.
Perhaps the presence of kittens would prompt
hersupposedlyrealinstincts?Soonshegavebirth,
and when the kittens were old enough to come
downstairs,Iputthecatandfourkittensintothe
kitchen,withdrewsolidfood,andlockedthemall
inforthenight.Icamedowntowardsdawnfora
glassofwater,switchedthelighton,andsawthe
catstretchedoutontheoor,feedingthekittens,
one,two,three,four;whileacoupleoffeetaway
amousesatup,disturbedbythelight,butnotby
32
particularlycats
the cat. The mouse did not even run away, but
waitedformetoleave.
The cat enjoyed, or tolerated, the company of
mice;anddisarmedarathersillydogfromdown-
stairswho,onthepointofchasingher,capitulated
because she, apparently not knowing that dogs
were enemies, wound herself around his legs,
purring.He becameherfriend, andthe friendof
all her kittens. But she did show terror on an
occasion when, if cats are creatures of the night,
ontermswiththedark,sheshouldhaveremained
calm.
One afternoon, night descended on London. I
stoodatthekitchenwindow,drinkinganafter-lunch
coffeewithavisitor,whentheairgotdarkanddirty,
andthestreetlightscameon.Fromfulldaylightto
full heavy dark took ten minutes, less. We were
frightened.Hadoursenseoftimegone?Hadthat
bombnallyexplodedsomewhereandcoveredour
earthwithalthycloud?Hadoneofthosedeath
factorieswithwhichthisprettyislandisdottedacci-
dentallyletoffalethalgas?Werethese,inshort,
33
dorislessing
ourlastmoments?Noinformation,sowestoodat
thewindowandwatched.Itwasaheavy,breathless,
sulphuroussky;ayellow-blackishdark;andtheair
burnedourthroats,asitdoesinamineshaftafter
anexplosion.
Itwasextraordinarilysilent.Inmomentsofcrisis,
thiswaitingquietisLondonsrstsymptom,more
disturbingthananyother.
Meanwhile the cat sat on the table, trembling.
Fromtimetotimesheletoutnotamiaow,but
awail,aninterrogativeplaint.Liftedoffthetable
andpetted,shestruggled,jumpeddown,thencrept,
noted,upthestairs,andgotunderabed,where
shelayshivering.Justlikeadog,infact.
Half an hour later, the dark lifted out of the
sky.Acontradictorypatternofwindcurrentshad
trappedthelthyexhalationsfromthecitywhich
arenormallydispelledupwards,underaceilingof
obduratelymotionlessair.Thenanewwindblew,
shiftedthemass,andthecitybreathedagain.
Thecatstayedunderthebedallafternoon.When
shewasnallycoaxeddown,inaclearfreshevening
34
particularlycats
light,shesatonthewindowsillandwatchedthedark
falltherealdark.Thenshelickedandrepairedher
roughandfrightenedfur,dranksomemilk,became
herself.
JustbeforeIleftthatat,Ihadtogoawayfor
aweekend,andafriendcaredforthecat.WhenI
cameback,shewasinthehandsofavet,witha
brokenpelvis.Thehousehadaatroofoutsidea
highwindow,wheresheusedtositsunningherself.
Forsomereasonshefelloffthisroof,whichwas
threestoreysup,intoanarea-way.Shemusthave
hadabadfrightofsomekind.Anyway,shehadto
bekilledandIdecidedtokeepcatsinLondonwas
amistake.
ThenextplaceIlivedinwasimpossibleforcats.
Itwasablockofsixtinyats,oneaboveanother
alongacoldstonestaircase.Noyardorgarden:the
nearest exposed earth was probably in Regents
Park,halfamileaway.Countryunsuitableforcats,
youdthink;butalargeyellowtortoiseshellcatdec-
oratedacornergrocerswindow;andhesaidthe
catslepttherealoneatnight;andwhenhewenton
35
dorislessing
holidayheturneditoutintothestreettofendfor
itself.Itwasnouseremonstratingwithhim,because
heasked:Diditlookwellandhappy?Yes,itdid.
Andithadbeenlivinglikethisforveyears.
Forafewmonthsalargeblackcatlivedonthe
staircase of the ats, belonging, apparently, to
nobody.Itwantedtobelongtooneofus.Itwould
sitwaitinguntiladooropenedtoletsomeonein
orout,andthenmiaow,buttentatively,likeone
whohashadmanyrebuffs.Itdranksomemilk,ate
some scraps, weaved around legs, asking to be
allowedtostay.Butwithoutinsistence,or,indeed,
hope.Nooneaskedittostay.Therewastheques-
tion, as always, of cats dirt. No one could face
running up and down those stairs with smelly
boxestoandfromtherubbishbins.Andbesides,
theowneroftheatswouldntlikeit.Andbesides,
wetriedtocomfortourselves,itprobablybelonged
tooneoftheshopsandwasvisiting.Soitwasfed
only.
Inthedaytimeitsatonthepavement,watching
thetrafc,orwanderedinandoutoftheshops:an
36
particularlycats
urbane old cat; a gentle cat; a cat without pre-
tensions.
Atthecornerwasasitewherethreefruitand
vegetable barrows stood, owned by three old
people: two brothers, a fat brother and a thin
brother,andthewifeofthefatone,whowasalso
fat.Theyweretinypeople,vefoothigh,andalways
makingjokesandalwaysabouttheweather.When
thecatvisitedthemitsatunderabarrowandate
bitsfromtheirsandwiches.Thelittleroundlady,
whohadredcheeks,soredtheywereblackish,and
whowasmarriedtothelittleroundbrother,said
shewouldtakethecathomewithher,butshewas
afraid her own Tibby wouldnt be at all pleased.
Thelittlethinbrother,whohadnevermarriedand
wholivedwiththem,jokedthathecouldtakeit
homeforcompany,anddefenditagainstTibby:a
manwhohadnowifeneededacat.Ithinkhewould
have done; but he died suddenly of heat stroke.
Whateverthetemperature,thosethreepeoplewere
wrappedupineverykindofscarf,jacket,jersey,
coat.Thethinbrotherwore,invariably,anovercoat
37
dorislessing
overabundleofclothes.Ifthetemperaturewent
abovefty-ve,hecomplaineditwasaheatwave,
andhefelttheheatterribly.Isuggestedhewouldnt
besohotifhedidntwearsomanyclothes.But
thiswasanattitudetowardsclothesthatwasclearly
foreigntohim:itmadehimuneasy.Oneyearwe
hadalongspellofneweather,arealLondonheat
wave.EverydayIdescendedtoastreetwhichwas
gay,warm,friendlywithpeopleinsummerclothes.
Butthelittleoldpeoplestillworetheirheadscarves
and their neck scarves and their jerseys. The old
ladyscheeksgrewredderandredder.Theyjoked
all the time about the heat. In the shade at their
feetunderthebarrow,thecatlaystretchedamong
fallenplumsandbitsofwiltinglettuce.Towardsthe
endofthesecondweekoftheheatwave,thebach-
elorbrotherdiedofastrokeandthatwastheend
ofthecatschanceofahome.
Forafewweekshehadluck,andwaswelcome
inthepub.ThiswasbecauseLucy,theprostitute
wholivedintheground-ooratofourbuilding,
usedthatpubintheevenings.Shetookhiminwith
38
particularlycats
her,andsatonahighstoolinacornerbythebar,
withthecatonastoolbesideher.Shewasanamiable
lady,muchlikedinthepub;andanybodyshechose
totakeinwithherwasmadewelcometoo.When
I went in to buy cigarettes or a bottle, there sat
Lucyandthecat.Heradmirers,manyandfromall
partsoftheworld,oldcustomersandnew,andof
all ages, were buying her drinks and coaxing the
barmanandhiswifetogivethecatmilkandpotato
crisps.Butthenoveltyofacatinabarmusthave
wornoff,becausesoonLucywasworkingthebar
withoutthecat.
Whenthecoldweatherandthenightsofearly
darkcame,thecatwasalwayswellupthestaircase
beforethe greatdoorswere closed.It sleptinas
much of a warm corner as it could nd on that
inhumanuncarpetedstretchofstonesteps.Whenit
wasverycold,oneorotherofuswouldaskthecat
inforthenight;andinthemorningitthankedus
by weaving around our legs. Then, no cat. The
caretakersaiddefensivelythathehadtakenittothe
R.S.P.C.A. to be killed. One night, the hours of
39
dorislessing
waitingforthedoortobeopenedhadprovedtoo
long, and it had made a mess on a landing. The
caretakerwasnotgoingtoputupwiththat,hesaid.
Badenoughclearingupafteruslot,hewasntgoing
tocleanupaftercatsaswell.
40
chapterthree
Icametoliveinahouseincatcountry.Thehouses
areoldandtheyhavenarrowgardenswithwalls.
Throughourbackwindowsshowadozenwallsone
way,adozenwallstheother,ofallsizesandlevels.
Trees,grass,bushes. Thereisalittle theatrethat
hasroofsatvariousheights.Catsthrivehere.There
arealwayscatsonthewalls,roofs,andinthegar-
dens,livingacomplicatedsecretlife,liketheneigh-
bourhoodlivesofchildrenthatgoonaccordingto
unimaginedprivaterulesthegrown-upsneverguess
at.
Iknewtherewouldbeacatinthehouse.Just
as one knows,if a house is too largepeople will
come and live in it, so certain houses must have
cats.ButforawhileIrepelledthevariouscatsthat
41
dorislessing
camesnifngaroundtoseewhatsortofaplaceit
was.
Duringthewholeofthatdreadfulwinterof1962,
thegardenandtheroofoverthebackverandahwere
visitedbyanoldblack-and-whitetom.Hesatinthe
slushysnowontheroof;heprowledoverthefrozen
ground;whenthebackdoorwasbrieyopened,he
satjustoutside,lookingintothewarmth.Hewas
mostunbeautiful,withawhitepatchoveroneeye,
atornear,andajawalwaysalittleopenanddrool-
ing.Buthewasnotastray.Hehadagoodhome
inthestreet,andwhyhedidntstaythere,noone
seemedabletosay.
Thatwinterwasfurthereducationintotheextra-
ordinaryvoluntaryendurancesoftheEnglish.
ThesehousesaremostlyL.C.C.owned,andby
therstweekofthecold,thepipeshadburstand
frozen, and people were waterless. The system
stayedfrozen.Theauthoritiesopenedamainonthe
streetcorner,andforweeksthewomenofthestreet
madejourneystofetchwaterinjugsandcansalong
pavements heaped with feet of icy slush, in their
42
particularlycats
houseslippers.Theslipperswereforwarmth.The
slush and ice were not cleared off the pavement.
Theydrewwaterfromthetap,whichbrokedown
severaltimes,andsaidtherehadbeennohotwater
but what they boiled on the stove for one week,
twoweeksthenthree,fourandveweeks.There
was,ofcourse,nohotwaterforbaths.Whenasked
whytheydidntcomplain,sinceafteralltheypaid
rent,theypaidforwaterhotandcold,theyreplied
theL.C.C.knewaboutthepipes,butdidnotdo
anything.TheL.C.C.hadpointedouttherewasa
cold spell: they agreed with this diagnosis. Their
voices were lugubrious, but they were deeply
fullled, as this nation is when suffering entirely
avoidableactsofGod.
Intheshopatthecorneranoldman,amiddle-
agedwomanandasmallchildspentthedaysofthat
winter.Theshopwaschilledcoldereventhanthe
below-zero weather nature was ordaining, by the
refrigerationunits;thedoorwasalwaysopeninto
theicedsnowdriftsoutsidetheshop.Therewasno
heatingatall.Theoldmangotpleurisyandwent
43
dorislessing
tohospitalfortwomonths.Permanentlyweakened,
hehadtoselltheshopthatspring.Thechildsaton
thecementoorandcriedsteadilyfromthecold,
and was slapped by its mother who stood behind
thecounterinalightwooldress,manssocksand
athincardigan,sayinghowawfulitallwas,while
hereyesandnoseranandherngersswelledinto
chilblains.Theoldmannextdoorwhoworksasa
marketporterslippedontheiceoutsidehisfront
door,hurthisback,andwasforweeksonunemploy-
ment pay. In that house, which held nine or ten
people,includingtwochildren,therewasonebar
ofelectricretoghtthecold.Threepeoplewent
tohospital,onewithpneumonia.
Andthepipesstayedburst,sealedinjaggedstalac-
titesofice;thepavementsremainediceslides;and
theauthoritiesdidnothing.Inmiddle-classstreets,
ofcourse,snowwasclearedasitfell,andtheauth-
oritiesrespondedtoangrycitizensdemandingtheir
rightsandthreateninglawsuits.Inourarea,people
suffereditoutuntilthespring.
Surroundedbyhumanbeingsaswinterboundas
44
particularlycats
if they were cave dwellers of ten thousand years
ago,thepeculiaritiesofanoldtomcatwhochose
anicyrooftospenditsnightsonlosttheirforce.
Inthemiddleofthatwinter,friendswereoffered
a kitten. Friends of theirs had a Siamese cat, and
shehadalitterbyastreetcat.Thehybridkittens
were being given away. Their at is minute, and
theybothworkedallday;butwhentheysawthe
kitten,theycouldnotresist.Duringitsrstweekend
it was fed on tinned lobster soup and chicken
mousse,anditdisruptedtheirmuch-marriednights
becauseithadtosleepunderthechin,oratleast,
somewhereagainsttheesh,ofH.,theman.S.,his
wife,announcedonthetelephonethatshewaslosing
theaffectionsofherhusbandtoacat,justlikethe
wifeinColettestale.OnMondaytheywentoffto
work leaving the kitten by itself, and when they
camehomeitwascryingandsad,havingbeenalone
allday.Theysaidtheywerebringingittous.They
did.
Thekittenwassixweeksold.Itwasenchanting,
adelicatefairy-talecat,whoseSiamesegenesshowed
45
dorislessing
intheshapeoftheface,ears,tail,andthesubtle
linesofitsbody.Herbackwastabby:fromabove
ortheback,shewasaprettytabbykitten,ingrey
andcream.Butherfrontandstomachwereasmoky-
gold,Siamesecream,withhalf-barsofblackatthe
neck.Herfacewaspencilledwithblacknedark
rings around the eyes, ne dark streaks on her
cheeks,atinycream-colourednosewithapinktip,
outlinedinblack.Fromthefront,sittingwithher
slenderpawsstraight,shewasanexoticallybeautiful
beast.Shesat,atinything,inthemiddleofayellow
carpet,surroundedbyveworshippers,notatall
afraidofus.Thenshestalkedaroundthatoorof
thehouse,inspectingeveryinchofit,climbedup
ontomybed,creptunderthefoldofasheet,and
wasathome.
S.wentoffwithH.saying:Notamomenttoo
soon,otherwiseIwouldnthaveahusbandatall.
And he went off groaning, saying that nothing
couldbeasexquisiteasbeingwokenbythedelicate
touchofapinktongueonhisface.
The kitten went, or rather hopped, down the
46
particularlycats
stairs,eachofwhichwastwiceherheight:rstfront
paws, then op, with the back; front paws, then
opwiththeback.Sheinspectedthegroundoor,
refused the tinned food offered to her, and de-
mandedadirtboxbymewingforit.Sherejected
woodshavings,buttornnewspaperwasacceptable,
soherfastidiousposesaid,iftherewasnothingelse.
Therewasnt:theearthoutsidewasfrozensolid.
She would not eat tinned cat food. She would
not.AndIwasnotgoingtofeedherlobstersoup
and chicken. We compromised on some minced
beef.
Shehadalwaysbeenasfussyoverherfoodasa
bachelorgourmet.Shegetsworseasshegetsolder.
Even as a kitten she could express annoyance, or
pleasure,oradeterminationtosulk,bywhatshe
ate,half-ate,orchosetorefuse.Herfoodhabitsare
aneloquentlanguage.
ButIthinkitisjustpossibleshewastakenaway
fromhermothertooyoung.IfImightrespectfully
suggestittothecatexperts,itispossibletheyare
wrongwhentheysayakittenmayleaveitsmother
47
dorislessing
the day it turns six weeks old. This cat was six
weeks,notadaymore,whenitwastakenfromits
mother. The basis of her dandyism over food is
theneurotichostilityandsuspiciontowardsitofa
childwithfoodproblems.Shehadtoeat,shesup-
posed; she did eat; but she has never eaten with
enjoyment,forthesakeofeating.Andsheshares
another characteristic with people who have not
had enough mother-warmth. Even now she will
instinctivelycreepunderthefoldofanewspaper,
orintoaboxorabasketanythingthatshelters,
anythingthatcovers.More;sheisoverreadytosee
insult; overready to sulk. And she is a frightful
coward.
Kittenswhoareleftwiththeirmothersevenor
eight weeks eat easily, and they have condence.
Butofcourse,theyarenotasinteresting.
Asakitten,thiscatneversleptontheoutside
ofthebed.ShewaiteduntilIwasinit,thenshe
walked all over me, considering possibilities. She
wouldgetrightdownintothebed,bymyfeet,or
ontomyshoulder,orcreptunderthepillow.IfI
48
particularlycats
moved too much, she hufly changed quarters,
makingherannoyancefelt.
WhenIwasmakingthebed,shewashappyto
bemadeintoit;andstayed,visibleasatinylump,
quite happily, sometimes for hours, between the
blankets. If you stroked the lump, it purred and
mewed.Butshewouldnotcomeoutuntilshehad
to.
Thelumpwouldmoveacrossthebed,hesitate
attheedge.Theremightbeafranticmewasshe
slidtotheoor.Dignitydisturbed,shelickedherself
hastily,glaringyelloweyesattheviewers,whomade
amistakeiftheylaughed.Then,everyhairconscious
ofitself,shewalkedtosomecentrestage.
Timeforthefastidiouspernicketyeating.Time
fortheearthbox,asexquisiteaperformance.Time
forsettingthecreamyfurinorder.Andtimefor
play,whichnevertookplaceforitsownsake,but
onlywhenshewasbeingobserved.
Shewasasarrogantlyawareofherselfasapretty
girlwhohasnoattributesbutherprettiness:body
and face always posed according to some inner
49
dorislessing
monitoraposewhichisasgoodasamask:no,
no, this is what I am, the aggressive breasts, the
sullen hostile eyes always on the watch for
admiration.
Cat, at the age when, if she were human, she
would be wearing clothes and hair like weapons,
but condent that any time she chose she might
relapseintoindulgedchildhoodagain,becausethe
rolehadbecometoomuchofaburdencatposed
and princessed and preened about the house and
then,tired,alittlepeevish,tuckedherselfintothe
fold of a newspaper or behind a cushion, and
watchedtheworldsafelyfromthere.
Her prettiest trick, used mostly for company,
wastolieonherbackunderasofaandpullherself
alongbyherpaws,infastsharprushes,stoppingto
turn her elegant little head sideways, yellow eyes
narrowed,waitingforapplause.Ohbeautifulkit-
ten!Deliciousbeast!Prettycat!Thenonshewent
foranotherdisplay.
Or, on the right surface, the yellow carpet, a
bluecushion,shelayonherbackandslowlyrolled,
50
particularlycats
pawstuckedup,headback,sothathercreamychest
andstomachwereexposed,markedfaintly,asifshe
were a delicate subspecies of leopard, with black
blotches,liketherosesofleopards.Ohbeautiful
kitten,ohyouaresobeautiful.Andshewaspre-
paredtogoonuntilthecomplimentsstopped.
Orshesatinthebackverandah,notonthetable,
whichwasunadorned,butonalittlestandthathad
narcissusandhyacinthinearthenwarepots.Shesat
posed between spikes of blue and white owers,
untilshewasnoticedandadmired.Notonlybyus,
of course; also by the old rheumatic tom who
prowled, grim reminder of a much harder life,
around the garden where the earth was still
frostbound.Hesawaprettyhalf-growncat,behind
glass.Shesawhim.Sheliftedherhead,thisway,
thatway;bitoffafragmentofhyacinth,dropped
it;lickedherfur,negligently;thenwithaninsolent
backwardsglance,leapeddownandcameindoors
andoutofhissight.Or,onthewayupstairs,onan
arm or a shoulder, she would glance out of the
window and see the poor old beast, so still that
51
dorislessing
sometimeswethoughthemusthavediedandbeen
frozenthere.Whenthesunwarmedalittleatmid-
day andhe satlicking himself, wewere relieved.
Sometimesshesatwatchinghimfromthewindow,
but her life was still to be tucked into the arms,
beds,cushions,andcornersofhumanbeings.
Thenthespringcame,thebackdoorwasopened,
the dirt box, thank goodness, made unnecessary,
andthebackgardenbecameherterritory.Shewas
sixmonthsold,fullygrown,fromthepointofview
ofnature.
Shewassoprettythen,soperfect;morebeautiful
eventhanthatcatwho,allthoseyearsago,Iswore
could never have an equal. Well of course there
hasntbeen;forthatcatsnaturewasalltact,deli-
cacy,warmthandgraceso,asthefairytalesand
theoldwivessay,shehadtodieyoung.
Ourcat,theprincess,was,stillis,beautiful,but,
thereisnoglossingit,shesaselshbeast.
Thecatslineduponthegardenwalls.First,the
sombre old winter cat, king of the back gardens.
Then,ahandsomeblack-and-whitefromnextdoor,
52
particularlycats
hisson,fromthelookofit.Abattle-scarredtabby.
Agrey-and-whitecatwhowassocertainofdefeat
that he never came down from the wall. And a
dashingtigerishyoungtomthatsheclearlyadmired.
Nouse,theoldkinghadnotbeendefeated.When
shestrolledout,tailerect,apparentlyignoringthem
all, but watching the handsome young tiger, he
leapeddowntowardsher,butthewintercathad
onlytostirwherehelayonthewall,andtheyoung
catjumpedbacktosafety.Thiswentonforweeks.
Meanwhile,H.andS.cametovisittheirlostpet.
S.saidhowfrightfulandunfairitwasthattheprin-
cesscouldnothaveherchoice;andH.saidthatwas
entirelyasitshouldbe:aprincessmusthaveaking,
evenifhewasoldandugly.Hehassuchdignity,
saidH.;hehassuchpresence;andhehadearned
theprettyyoungcatbecauseofhisnobleendurance
ofthelongwinter.
BythentheuglycatwascalledMephistopheles.
(Inhisownhome,weheard,hewascalledBilly.)
Ourcathadbeencalledvariousnames,butnone
of them stuck. Melissa and Franny; Marilyn and
53
dorislessing
Sappho;CirceandAyeshaandSuzette.Butincon-
versation,inlove-talk,shemiaowedandpurredand
throatedinresponsetothelong-drawn-outsyllables
ofadjectivesbeeeoooti-ful,deliciouspuss.
Onaveryhotweekend,theonlyone,Iseemto
remember,inanastysummer,shecameinheat.
H.andS.cametolunchontheSunday,andwe
satonthebackverandahandwatchedthechoices
ofnature.Notours.Andnotourcats,either.
Fortwonightstheghtinghadgoneon,awful
ghts, cats wailing and howling and screaming in
the garden. Meanwhile grey puss had sat on the
bottom of my bed, watching into the dark, ears
liftingandmoving,tailcommenting,justslightlyat
thetip.
OnthatSunday,therewasonlyMephistopheles
insight.Greycatwasrollinginecstasyalloverthe
garden.Shecametousandrolledaroundourfeet
andbitthem.Sherushedupanddownthetreeat
thebottomofthegarden.Sherolledandcried,and
called,andinvited.
ThemostdisgracefulexhibitionoflustIveever
54
particularlycats
seen,saidS.watchingH.,whowasinlovewith
ourcat.
Ohpoorcat,saidH.;IfIwereMephistopheles
Idnevertreatyousobadly.
Oh,H.,saidS.,youaredisgusting,ifItold
peopletheydneverbelieveit.ButIvealwayssaid,
youredisgusting.
So thats what youve always said, said H.,
caressingtheecstaticcat.
Itwasaveryhotday,wehadalotofwinefor
lunch,andtheloveplaywentonallafternoon.
Finally,Mephistophelesleapeddownoffthewall
towheregreycatwaswrigglingandrollingbut
alas,hebungledit.
OhmyGod,saidH.,genuinelysuffering.Itis
reallynotforgivable,thatsortofthing.
S.,anguished,watchedthetormentsofourcat,
and doubted, frequently, dramatically and loudly,
whether sex was worth it. Look at it, she said,
thatsus.Thatswhatwerelike.
Thatsnotatallwhatwerelike,saidH.Its
Mephistopheles.Heshouldbeshot.
55
dorislessing
Shoothimatonce,weallsaid;oratleastlock
himupsothattheyoungtigerfromnextdoorcould
havehischance.
Butthehandsomeyoungcatwasnotvisible.
We went on drinking wine; the sun went on
shining;ourprincessdanced,rolled,rushedupand
downthetree,and,whenatlastthingswentwell,
wasclippedagainandagainbytheoldking.
Allthatswrong,saidH.,isthathestooold
forher.
Oh my God, said S., Im going to take you
home.BecauseifIdont,Iswearyoullmakelove
tothatcatyourself.
OhIwishIcould,saidH.Whatanexquisite
beast,whatalovelycreature,whataprincess,shes
wastedonacat,Icantstandit.
Nextdaywinterreturned;thegardenwascold
andwet;andgreycathadreturnedtoherfastidious
disdainfulways.Andtheoldkinglayonthegarden
wallinthe slowEnglishrain,still victorofthem
all,waiting.
56
chapterfour
Grey puss wore her pregnancy lightly. She raced
down the garden and up the tree and back; then
again,andagain;thepointofthisbeingthemoment
when, clamped to the tree, she turned her head,
eyes half-closed, to receive applause. She jumped
down the stairs three, four at a time. She pulled
herselfalongtheoorunderthesofa.And,since
shehadlearnedthatanyperson,atrstsightofher,
waslikelytogointoecstasies:Ohwhatabeautiful
cat! she was always near the front door when
guestsarrived,suitablyposed.
Then,tryingtoslidethroughbanisterstodrop
ontoastairtheightbelow,shefoundshecould
not. She tried again, could not. She was humili-
ated,pretendedshehadnottried,thatshepreferred
57
dorislessing
walking the long way around the bends in the
stairway.
Herrushesupanddownthetreebecameslower,
thenstopped.
And when the kittens moved in her belly, she
lookedsurprised,putout.
Usually,aboutafortnightbeforethebirth,acat
willgosnifngintocupboardsandcorners:trying
out,rejecting,choosing.Thiscatdidnothingofthe
kind.Iclearedshoesoutofacupboardinthebed-
room,andshowedhertheplacesheltered,dark,
comfortable.Shewalkedintoitandoutagain.Other
placeswereoffered.Itwasnotthatshedidnotlike
them; it seemed that she didnt know what was
happening.
The day before the birth, she did roll herself
around some old newspapers in a seat, but the
actionssheusedwereautomatic,nothingpurpose-
fulaboutthem.Somegland,orwhateveritis,had
spoken, prompted movements; she obeyed, but
whatshedidwasnotconnectedwithhervitalknow-
ledge,orsoitseemed,forshedidnottryagain.
58
particularlycats
On the day of the birth she was in labour for
threehoursorsobeforesheknewit.Shemiaowed,
soundingsurprised,sittingonthekitchenoor,and
when I ordered her upstairs to the cupboard she
went.Shedidnotstaythere.Shetrottedvaguely
around the house, snifng, at this late stage, into
variouspossibleplaces,butlostinterest,andcame
downtothekitchenagain.Thepain,orsensation,
havinglessened,sheforgotit,andwaspreparedto
startordinarylifeagainthelifeofapampered,
adoredkitten.Afterall,shestillwasone.
Itookherup,andmadeherstayinthecupboard.
Shedidnotwantto.Shesimplydidnothaveany
oftheexpectedreactions.Infact,shewastouching,
absurdandfunny,andwewantedtolaugh.When
thecontractionsgrewstrong,shewascross.When
shehadabadpaintowardstheend,shemiaowed,
butitwasaprotesting,annoyedmiaow.Shewas
annoyed with us, who concurred in this process
beinginictedonher.
It is fascinating to watch the birth of a cats
rstkitten,thatmoment,when,thetinywrithing
59
dorislessing
creature having appeared in its envelope of white
cellophane, the cat licks off the covering, nips
the cord, eats the after-birth, all so cleanly, so
efciently,soperfectly,actionsperformedbyher,
personally, for the rst time. Always there is a
moment of pause. The kitten is expelled, lies at
thecatsbackend.Thecatlooks,withatrapped,
wanting-to-escapereex,atthenewthingattached
toher;shelooksagain,shedoesnotknowwhatitis;
thenthemechanismworks,andsheobeys,becomes
mother,purrs,ishappy.
With this cat there was the longest pause Ive
seenwhileshelookedatthenewkitten.Shelooked,
lookedatme,movedalittle,toseeifshecouldlose
theattachedobjectthenitworked.Shecleanedthe
kitten,dideverythingexpectedofher,purredand
thenshegotupandwalkeddownstairs,whereshe
satonthebackverandahlookingatthegarden.That
wasover,sheseemedtobethinking.Thenhersides
contractedagain,andsheturnedaroundtolookat
meshewasannoyed,furious.Herfaces,thelines
of her body said, unmistakably, What a damned
60
particularlycats
nuisance! Go upstairs! I ordered. Upstairs! She
went, sulking. She crept up those stairs with her
earsbackalmostasadogdoeswhenitisbeing
scolded or in disgrace: but she had none of the
abjectnessofadog.Onthecontrary,shewasirri-
tatedwithmeandwiththewholeprocess.When
shesawtherstkittenagain,sherecognizedit,again
themachineryworked,andshelickedit.Shegave
birth to four kittens in all, and went to sleep, a
charmingpicture,exquisitecatcurledaroundfour
feeding kittens. They were a ne lot. The rst,
female,areplicaofher,eventothepencilleddark
ringsaroundtheeyes,theblackhalf-bandsonthe
chestandlegs,thecreamy,faintlymarkedstomach.
Thenagreyish-bluekitten:later,incertainlights,
itlookeddarkpurple.Ablackkitten,whengrown
aperfectblackcat,withyelloweyes,allelegance
andstrength.Andthefatherskitten,exactlylike
him, arather heavy graceless kitten,in black and
white. The rst three had the light lines of the
Siamesestrain.
Whenthecatwokeup,shelookedatthekittens,
61
dorislessing
now asleep, got up, shook herself, and strolled
downstairs. She drank some milk, ate some raw
meat,lickedherselfallover.Shedidnotgoback
tothelitter.
S.andH.,comingtoadmirethekittens,found
mammacat,posedonthebottomofthestairsin
prole.Thensheranoutofthehouse,upthetree
andbackagainseveraltimes.Thenshewentup
tothetopofthehouse,andcameallthewaydown
bydroppingthroughthebanistersofoneight,to
theightbelow.ThenshewovearoundH.slegs,
purring.
You are supposed to be a mother, said S.,
shocked.Whyarentyouwithyourkittens?
Itseemedshehadforgottenthekittens.Inexplic-
ably,shehadhadanuncomfortablejobtodo;she
had done it; it was over, and that was that. She
frisked and frolicked around the house until, late
that night, I ordered her upstairs. She would not
go.Ipickedherupandcarriedhertothekittens.
With no grace at all, she got in with them. She
wouldnotliedowntofeedthem.Imadeher.As
62
particularlycats
soonasIturnedaway,sheleftthem.Isatwithher
asshefedthem.
Iwenttogetreadyforbed.WhenIcameback
tothebedroom,shewasundermysheet,asleep.I
returnedhertothekittens.Shelookedatthemwith
herearsback,andagainwouldhavesimplywalked
off,ifIhadnotstoodoverher,pointing,inexorable
gure of authority, at the kittens. She went in,
slumpeddown,asiftosay,ifyouinsist.Oncethe
kittenswereathernipplesinstinctdidwork,even
ifineffectually,andshepurredforawhile.
Allthroughthenightshewassneakingoutofthe
cupboard and getting into her usual place on my
bed.EverytimeImadehergoback.AssoonasIwas
asleep,backshecame,whilethekittenscomplained.
She had understood, by morning, that she was
responsibleforthosekittens.Butlefttoherself,that
greatMother,nature,notwithstanding,shewould
haveletthemstarve.
Nextday,whenwewereatlunch,greycatran
intotheroomwithakitten,tossingitupanddown
inhermouth.Sheputthekitteninthemiddleof
63
dorislessing
theoor,andwentupfortheothers.Shebrought
the four down, one after another, then she lay
stretchedoutonthekitchenoorwiththem.She
wasnotgoingtobeshutawaybyherselfawayfrom
company,shehaddecided;andthroughthemonth
thekittenswerehelpless,anyoneofus,anywhere
inthehouse,wouldseegreycattrottingintothe
roomwithherkittens,tossingthemaboutinher
mouthinwhatseemedtobethemostappallingly
carelessway.Atnight,wheneverIwoke,greycat
wouldbetuckedinatmyside,silent,andshestayed
silent, hoping I would not notice her. When she
knewIhad,shepurred,hopingIwouldsoften,and
lickedmyfaceandbitmynose.Allnouse.Iordered
herback,andshewent,sulking.
Inshort,shewasadisastrousmother.Weputit
downtoheryouth.Whenthosekittenswereaday
old,shewastryingtoplaywiththemasacatdoes
withkittensamonthorveweeksold.Aminute,
blindblobofakittenwouldbebuffetedaboutby
those great hind feet; and bitten in tender play,
while all it wanted was to get to the grudgingly
64
particularlycats
offerednipples.Asadsight,granted;andweallgot
crosswithher;andthenwelaughed;butthatwas
worse,becauseifthereisonethingshewonthave,
itisbeinglaughedat.
In spite of their bad treatment, that rst litter
wereenchanting,thebestproducedinthishouse,
eachremarkableofitskind,eventhereplicaofold
Mephistopheles.
OnedayIcameupstairsandfoundhiminthe
bedroom.Hewaslookingatthekittens.Greycat,
ofcourse,wasnotthere.Hewassomefeetoff,his
headpokedforward,hisdroolingjawopenasusual.
But he did not want to harm them, he was
interested.
The kittens, being so attractive, at once found
homes.Buttheywereasadlitter,afterall.Inside
eighteenmonths,theyallcametogrief.Themuch-
lovedcatwhowasitsmothersimagedisappeared
fromitshomeonedayandwasneverfound.And
sowiththeblackcat.BabyMephistopheleswastaken
off,forhisstrengthandcourage,tobeacatina
warehouse, but died of cat enteritis. Purple cat,
65
dorislessing
havinggivenbirthtothemostremarkablelitterIve
seen,threeperfectSiamesekittens,cream-coloured,
pink-eyed,andthreeLondonscruff,littleragbags,
lostherhome.Butwehearshehasfoundanother
inanearbystreet.
Greycat,wedecided,shouldnotbeallowedto
have kittens again. She simply was not suited for
motherhood.Butitwastoolate.Shewaspregnant
again.NotbyMephistopheles.
This area is known as cat country to the cat
dealersandstealers.Isupposetheydrivearoundit
andtakeanyanimalstheylikethelookofwhichare
not safely indoors. It happens at night; and it is
unpleasanttothinkhowthethieveskeepthecats
quiet so that they dont wake their owners. The
peopleofthisstreetsuspectthehospitalsbywhich
wearesurrounded.Thosevivisectionistshavebeen
again,theysay;andperhapstheyareright.Anyway
onenightsixcatsdisappeared,amongthemMephis-
topheles.Andnowthegreycathadherfancy,the
tigerishyoungtomwithawhitesatinvest.
Againthebirthtookherbysurprise,butitdid
66
particularlycats
nottakesolongforhertosettledown.Shegotup
from the accouchement and went downstairs and
wouldnothavegonebackunlessordered;buton
the whole I think she enjoyed that second litter.
Thistimethekittenswereordinary,prettyenough
mixturesoftabbyandwhite-and-tabby,buttheyhad
no special qualities of line or colour, and it was
hardertondthemhomes.
Autumn, the paths thick with brown sycamore
leavesfromthebigtree:cattaughtherfourkittens
tohuntandstalkandjumpwhiletheleavesdrifted
down.Theleavesplayedthepartofmiceandbirds
andthen were broughtinto the house.One of
the kittens would very carefully shred his leaf to
bits.Thisishowheinheritedgreycatsoddesttrait:
shewillspendhalfanhourmethodicallyrippingup
anewspaperwithherteeth,pieceafterpiece.Per-
hapsthisisaSiamesecharacteristic?Ihaveafriend
withtwoSiamesecats.Whenshehasrosesinthe
at, the cats will take roses out of the vase with
theirteeth,laythemdown,andtearthepetalsoff,
onebyone,asifengagedinanecessaryjobofwork.
67
dorislessing
Perhapsinnature,theleaf,thenewspaper,therose
wouldhavebeenmaterialsforalair.
Greycatenjoyedteachingherkittenstheartsof
hunting.Iftheyhadbeencountrycats,theywould
have been well educated. Also, she taught them
cleanliness:noneofherkittenseverdirtiedacorner.
But, still a fussy eater, she was not interested in
teachingthemtoeat.Thattheylearnedforthem-
selves.
Ofthislitter,onewasleftmuchlongerthanthe
others.Forthewinterwehadtwocats,greycat
and her son, who was a rich-coloured browny-
orangecat,withavestlikehisfather.
Greycatbecameakittenagain,andthesetwo
playedtogetherallday,andsleptwrappedaround
eachother.Theyoungtomwasmuchbiggerthan
itsmother;butshebulliedhim,andbeathimwhen
hedispleasedher.Theywouldlieforhourslicking
eachothersfacesandpurring.
Hewasanenormouseater,ateeverything.We
hoped his example would teach her better sense
withherfood,butitdidnot.Shewouldalways,as
68
particularlycats
catsdo,lethim,herchild,eatanddrinkrst,while
shecrouchedwatching.Whenhewasnished,she
wentover,sniffedatthecatfoodorthescraps,and
thencametome,andverydelicatelybitmycalfto
remindmethatsheaterabbit,rawmeat,orraw
sh, in small portions properly served on a clean
saucer.
Overthisherdue,herrightshewouldcrouch
aggressively,glaringathim,eatingjustsomuchand
nomore,withouthaste.Sheseldomnishesallthe
foodputdownforher;nearlyalwaysleavesabit
suburbangoodmanners,which,observedthus,ina
differentcontext,withgreycat,occurstomefor
thersttimemusthaveabasisinreallynastyaggres-
sion.ImnotgoingtonishthisfoodImnot
hungry,andyouvecookedtoomuchanditsyour
faultitswasted.Ihavesomuchtoeat,Idont
needtoeatthis.Imadelicatesuperiorcreature
andreallyabovecrudethingslikefood.Thelastis
greycatsstatement.
Theyoungtomate whatsheleft,notnoticing
thatitwasmuchnicerthanwhathehadbeengiven;
69
dorislessing
andthentheyrushedoff,chasingeachotherthrough
thehouseandgarden.Ortheysatonthebottom
ofmybed,lookingoutofthewindow,lickingeach
otherfromtimetotime,andpurring.
Thiswasgreycatsapogee,thepeakofherhappi-
nessandcharm.Shewasnotlonely;hercompanion
didnotthreatenher,becauseshedominatedhim.
Andshewassobeautifulreallysoverybeautiful.
Shewasbestsittingonthebedlookingout.Her
twocreamylightlybarredfrontlegswerestraight
downsidebyside,ontwosilverypaws.Herears,
lightlyfringedwithwhitethatlookedsilver,lifted
and moved, back, forward, listening and sensing.
Herfaceturned,slightly,aftereachnewsensation,
alert.Hertailmoved,inanotherdimension,asif
itstipwascatchingmessagesherotherorganscould
not.Shesatpoised,air-light,looking,hearing,feel-
ing,smelling,breathing,withallofher,fur,whis-
kers, ears everything,in delicatevibration. Ifa
sh is the movement of water embodied, given
shape,thencatisadiagramandpatternofsubtle
air.
70
particularlycats
Ohcat;Idsay,orpray:be-ooootifulcat!Delicious
cat!Exquisitecat!Satinycat!Catlikeasoftowl,
catwithpawslikemoths,jewelledcat,miraculous
cat!Cat,cat,cat,cat.
Shewouldignoremerst;thenturnherhead,
silkily arrogant, and half close her eyes for each
praise-name, each one separately. And, when Id
nished,yawn,deliberate,foppish,showinganice-
cream-pinkmouthandcurledpinktongue.
Or,deliberate, shewouldcrouch andfascinate
mewithhereyes.Istaredintothem,almond-shaped
intheirneoutlineofdarkpencil,aroundwhich
was a second pencilling of cream. Under each, a
brush stroke of dark. Green, green eyes; but in
shadow,adarksmokygoldadark-eyedcat.But
inthelight,green,aclearcoolemerald.Behindthe
transparent globes of the eyeball, slices of veined
gleaming buttery wing. Wings like jewels the
essenceofwing.
A leaf insect is not to be distinguished from a
leafatacasualglance.Butthen,lookclose:the
copyofaleafismoreleafthanleaffurled,veined,
71
dorislessing
delicate,asifajewellerhadworkedit,butajeweller
withhistongueveryslightlyinhischeek,sothat
theinsectisonthevergeofmockery.Look,says
theleafinsect,thefake:hasanyleafeverbeenas
exquisiteasIam?Why,evenwhereIhavecopied
theimperfectionsofaleaf,Iamperfect.Doyou
everwanttolookatamereleafagain,havingseen
me,theartice?
Ingreycatseyeslaythegreensheenofajade
butteryswing,asifanartisthadsaid:whatcould
be as graceful, as delicate as a cat? What more
naturallythecreatureoftheair?Whatair-beinghas
afnitywithcat?Buttery,butteryofcourse!And
there,deepincatseyesliesthisthought,hintedat
merely, with a half-laugh; and hidden behind the
fringesoflashes,behindthenebrowninnerlid,
andtheevasionsofcat-coquetry.
Grey cat, perfect, exquisite, a queen; grey cat
withherhintsofleopardandsnake;suggestionsof
butteryandowl;aminiaturelionsteel-clawedfor
murder,greycatfullofsecrets,afnities,mysteries
greycat,eighteenmonthsold,ayoungmatron
72
particularlycats
inherprime,hadathirdlitterofkittens,thistime
bythegrey-and-whitecatwho,duringthereignof
theking,hadbeentoofrightenedtocomedownoff
thewall.Shehadfourkittens,andhersonsatbeside
herthroughthebirthandwatched,lickingherin
the pauses of labour, and licking the kittens. He
triedtogetintothenestwiththem,buthisears
wereboxedforthislapseintoinfantilism.
73
chapterve
Itwasspringagain,thebackdoorwasopen,and
greycat,hergrownsonandfourkittensenjoyed
thegarden.Butgreycatpreferredthecompanyof
hersontothekittens;andindeed,hadagainscan-
dalizedS.because,themomentherlabourwasover,
shegotup,walkedofffromthekittens,andthen
fellstraightintohergrownsonsarms,whenthey
rolledoverandover,purring.
He played the role of father to this litter: he
broughtthemupasmuchasshedid.
Meanwhiletherehadalreadyappeared,faintand
disguised, as the future always is in its rst inti-
mations,theshadowofgreycatsdoomasreigning
andsolequeenofthehousehold.
Above,inthehumanworld,frightfulstormsand
74
particularlycats
emotionsanddramas;andwiththesummerabeauti-
fulsadblondegirlvisitedthehouse,andshehada
smallneatelegantblackcat,ahalf-kittenreally,and
thisalienwasinthebasement,onlytemporarilyof
course,becauseherhomewasnotavailable.
The little black cat had a red collar and a red
leash,andatthisstageofherlifewasonlyanappur-
tenanceandadecorativeassettothebeautifulgirl.
She waskept wellaway fromthe queenupstairs:
theywerenotallowedtomeet.
Then, all at once, things went wrong for grey
cat.Hersonwasatlastclaimedbythepersonwho
hadbookedhim,andwentofftoliveinKensington.
Thefourkittenswenttotheirnewhomes.Andwe
decided it was enough, she should have no more
kittens.
Ididnotthenknowwhatneuteringafemalecat
involved.PeopleIknewhaddoctoredcats,male
andfemale.TheR.S.P.C.A.,whenasked,emphati-
cally advised it. Understandably: they have to
destroy hundreds of unwanted cats every week
everyoneofwhich,Isuppose,hasbeentosomeone
75
dorislessing
Ohwhatalovelykittenuntilitgrewup.But
inthevoicesoftheladiesoftheR.S.P.C.A.sounded
exactlythesamenoteasinthevoiceofthewoman
at the corner grocery who, when I went around
lookingforhomesforkittens,alwayssaid:Havent
youhadherdoneyet?Poorthing,makinghergo
throughthat,Ithinkitscruel.Butitsnaturalto
havekittens,Iinsisted,dishonestlyenough,since
anyinstinctsofmaternitygreycathadwerebullied
intoher.
My relations with the ladies of the street have
mostly been about cats cats lost or visiting, or
kittenstobevisitedbychildren,orkittensaboutto
betheirs.Andthereisnotonewhohasntinsisted
that it is cruel to let a cat have kittens with
vehemence,withhysteria,orattheveryleastwith
thesullenlast-ditchantagonismofmymothers:Its
allverywellforyou!
Theoldbachelorwhoranthevegetableshopat
thecornernowclosedbecauseofthepressureof
thesupermarket,andbecausehesaidhiswasafamily
businessandhehadnofamilyafatoldboywith
76
particularlycats
cheeksred-purple,almostblack,liketheoldwoman
ofthefruitandvegetablebarrows,saidaboutthe
women:Theyneverstophavingkids,buttheydont
lookafterthem,dothey?Hehadnochildren,and
wasself-righteousabouteveryoneelses.
Hedidhave,however,anancientmother,over
eighty,completelybedridden,whomusthaveevery-
thingdoneforherbyhim.Hisbrotherandthree
sistersweremarriedandhadchildrenanditwashis
job,theydecided,theunmarriedbrothersjob,to
lookaftertheoldmother,sincetheirchildrengave
themenoughtodo.
Hestoodinhistinyshopbehindracksofswedes,
turnips,potatoes,onions,carrots,cabbagesother
vegetables,ashappensinsuchstreets,beingunob-
tainableunlessfrozenandwatchedthechildren
rushingaboutthestreets,sayingunkindthingsabout
theirmothers.
Hewasinfavourofthegreycatsbeingdone.
Toomanypeopleintheworld,toomanyanimals,
toolittlefood,nobodyboughtanythingthesedays,
wherewoulditallend?
77
dorislessing
Irangupthreevetstoaskifitwasnecessaryfor
acatswombandtubestoberemovedcouldthey
nottieuphertubesandleavehersex,atleast?All
three,withemphasis,insistedthebestthingwasto
havethewholelotout.Thewholejoblot,said
one;exactlythesamephrasewasusedtoawoman
friend of mine by a gynaecologist. Ill get rid of
thewholejoblotforyou,saidhe.
Veryinteresting.
InPortugal,sayH.andS.,whoarePortuguese,
whenthebourgeoisladiesvisitfortheirteaparties,
they talk about their operations and their female
problems.Thephrasetheyusefortheseorgansis
exactlythesameasthatusedforfowlgiblets:My
giblets,yourgiblets,ourgiblets.
Veryinterestingindeed.
Iputthegreycatinthecatbasketandtookher
tothevet.Shehadneverbeenshutupbefore,and
shecomplainedherdignityandself-respectwere
wounded.Ilefther,andcamebacklatethatafter-
noontocollecther.
Shewasinthecatbasket,smellingofether,limp,
78
particularlycats
dizzy,sick.Alargepatchhadbeenshavedoffone
side,exposingherwhitish-greyskin.Acrosstheskin
atwo-inchredgash,sewnupneatlywithgut.She
lookedatmewithenormousdarkshockedeyes.She
hadbeenbetrayedandsheknewit.Shehadbeen
soldoutbyafriend,thepersonwhofedher,pro-
tectedher,whosebedsheslepton.Aterriblething
had been done to her. I couldnt bear to look at
her eyes. I took her home in a taxi, where she
moanedallthewayahopelesshelplessfrightened
sound.Athome,Iputherinanotherbasket,not
thecatbasketwithitsmemoriesofthevetandpain.
Icoveredher,putthebasketbyaradiator,andsat
with her. It was not that she was very ill, or in
danger.Shewasinabadstateofshock.Idonot
thinkanycreaturecangetoveranexperiencelike
this.
Shestayedthere,notmovingatall,fortwodays.
Then, with difculty, she used the cat box. She
drankalittlemilkandcreptbacktoliedown.
Attheendofaweekthestubblegrewbackover
theuglyscarredpatch.SoonIhadtotakeherback
79
dorislessing
tothevettohaveherstitchestakenout.Thiswas
worsethantherstjourney,becausenowsheknew
thebasket,themotionsofthecar,meantpainand
terror.
She screamed and struggled in the basket. The
taximan,ashelpfulastheyalwaysare,inmyexperi-
ence,stoppedhistaxiforawhiletoletmetryand
sootheher,butthenweagreeditwasbettertoget
itoverwith.Iwaitedwhilethestitchescameout.
She was forced, struggling, back into the basket,
andIbroughtherbackinthesametaxi.Shemade
waterfromfear,andcried.
Thetaximan,acat-lover,saidwhycouldntthose
doctorsinventabirthcontrolforcats?Itwasnot
right,hesaid,forustostealtheirrealnaturesfrom
them,tosuitourconvenience.
When I got inside the door and opened the
basket,greycat,mobilenow,edoutofthehouse
andontothegardenwallunderthetree,hereyes
again wide and shocked. She came in at night to
eat.Andslept,notonmybed,butonthesofa.She
wouldnotletherselfbepettedfordays.
80
particularlycats
Insideamonthfromthedateofthatoperation,
hershapechanged.Shelost,notslowly,butfast,
herslenderness,hergrace;andshecoarsenedevery-
where.Hereyessubtlyloosened,crinkled;theshape
ofherfacebroadened.Shewas,allatonce,aplump,
ifpretty,cat.
Asforthechangeinhernature,well,thatmight
have been,probably was, partly dueto the other
blowslifedealtheratthesametimelosingher
friend,theyoungtom,losingherkittens,andthe
adventoftheblackcat.
But it did change. Her condence had been
struck.Thetyrannicalbeautyofthehouseholdhad
vanished.Theperemptorycharm,theheart-breaking
tricksofheadandeyeallgoneShedid,ofcourse,
returntooldcajoleries,rollingbackandforthon
herbacktobeadmired,pullingherselfunderthe
sofabuttheyweretentativeforalongtime.She
wasnotsuretheywouldplease.Shewasnotsure
ofanythingforalongtime.Andso,sheinsisted.A
stridentnoteenteredhercharacter.Shewastetchy
over her rights. She was spiteful. She had to be
81
dorislessing
humoured. She was bad-tempered with her old
admirers,thetomsonthewall.Inshort,shehad
turnedintoaspinstercat.Itisadreadfulthingwe
dotothesebeasts.ButIsupposewehavetodoit.
Thelittleblackcat,foravarietyofsadreasons,was
homelessandjoinedourhousehold.Itwouldhave
beenbetterforharmonyifshehadbeenamalecat.
Asitwas,thetwoshe-catsmetasenemies,crouched
watchingeachotherforhours.
Greycat,halfhersidestillstubblyfromtherazor,
refusingtosleeponmybed,refusingtoeatuntil
coaxed,unhappyandunsureofherself,wasdeter-
minedaboutonething:thattheblackcatwasnot
goingtotakeherplace.
Blackcat,on herside,knewshe wasgoingto
livehere,andwouldnotbechasedaway.Shedid
notght:greycatwasbiggerandstronger.Shegot
intothecornerofaseat,herbackprotectedbya
wall,andnevertookhereyesoffgreycat.
When her enemy went to sleep, black cat ate
anddrank.Thenshesurveyedthegardenwithwhich
shehadalreadybecomeacquaintedfromtheendof
82
particularlycats
asmartleashandcollar,examineditcarefully.Then
sheexaminedthehouse,oorbyoor.Mybed,she
decided,wastheplaceforher.Atwhichgreycat
leapedup,spitting,andchasedtheblackcataway,
tookherplaceonmybed.Blackcatthentookup
apositiononthesofa.
Blackcatscharacterisaltogetherdifferentfrom
greycats.Sheisasteady,obstinate,modestlittle
beast. She knew no coquetry until she saw grey
cats:didnotpose,irt,roll,scamper,orshowoff.
Sheknewshewasnottherstcatofthehouse-
hold;greycatwasthebosscat.Butassecondcat
shehadrights,andinsistedonthem.Thetwocats
never fought, physically. They fought great duels
withtheireyes.Oneithersideofthekitchenthey
sat;greeneyes,yelloweyesstaring.Ifblackcatdid
somethingovertheedgeofwhatgreycatthought
wastolerable,greycatgaveafaintgrowl,andmade
subtle threatening movements with her muscles.
Blackcatdesisted.Greycatsleptonmybed;black
catmustnot.Greycatcouldsitonthetable;but
notblackcat.Whenvisitorscame,greycatwasrst
83
dorislessing
at the door. And grey cat would not eat, unless
separately,outofanewlywashedsaucer,withnewly
cutfood,andinafreshplaceinthekitchen.For
blackcat,theoldfoodcornerwoulddo.
Black cat submitted to all this, and with the
humans in the house was modestly affectionate,
wreathed our legs, purred, talked she is half-
Siamesetoo;butalwayswithaneyeongreycat.
Thisbehaviourdidnotaccordwithherappear-
ance.Greycatslooksandherbehaviourhavealways
gonetogether:herlookshavedictatedhercharacter.
Butblackcatisambiguous.Forinstance,hersize.
Sheisasmallslendercat.Whenshehaskittens,it
seemsincredibletherecouldberoomforthem.But
pickherup:sheissolid,heavy;astrongclose-packed
littlebeast.Shedoesnotlookatallmodest,dom-
estic;andasmaternalasshelaterturnedouttobe.
She is elegant. She has a curved noble prole,
likeacatonatomb.Whenshesitsstraight,paws
sidebyside,staring,orcrouches,eyeshalf-masked,
sheisstill,remote,withdrawntosomedistantplace
insideherself.Atsuchtimessheissombre,inspires
84
particularlycats
awe. And she is black, black, black. Black glossy
whiskers,blacklashes,notawhitehairanywhere.
Ifgreycatsdesignerwasamasterofsubtlety,of
lovingdetail,thenblackcatssaid:Ishallcreatea
blackcat,thequintessenceofblackcat,acatfrom
theUnderworld.
Ittookabouttwoweeksfortheseantagoniststo
establishrulesofprecedence.Theynevertouched,
orplayed,orlickedeachother:theycreatedabal-
ance where they were always conscious of each
other, in watchful hostility. And that was sad,
rememberinghowgreycatandhergrownchildhad
played and cleaned each other and wound about
eachother.Perhaps,wethought,thesetwomight
learnaffectionintime.
Butthenblackcatgotsick,andpoorgreycats
hard-fought-forpositionwaslostcompletely.
Blackcathadacold,Ithought.Herbowelswere
outoforder:shemadefrequenttripstothegarden.
Shewassickseveraltimes.
IfIhadtakenhertothedoctorthen,shewould
nothavebeensoveryill.Shehadenteritis;butI
85
dorislessing
didnotknowhowbadthatis,andthatveryfew
catsgetoverit,not,atleast,whiletheyarestill
half-kitten.OnthesecondnightofherillnessIwoke
and saw her crouched in a corner coughing, I
thoughtatrst.Butshewastryingtobesickwith
nothinglefttobesickwith.Herjawsandmouth
werecoveredwithwhitefroth,astickyfoamwhich
wouldnoteasilywipeoff.Iwasheditoff.Shewent
backtothecorner,crouching,lookinginfrontof
her. The way she sat was ominous: immobile,
patient,andshewasnotasleep.Shewaswaiting.
In the morning I took her to the cat hospital
around the corner, by now bitten by remorse
becauseIhadnottakenherearlier.Shewasvery
ill,theysaid;andfromthewaytheysaidit,Iknew
shewasnotexpectedtolive.Shewasbadlydehy-
drated and had a roaring temperature. They gave
heraninjectionforthefever,andsaidshemustbe
made to take liquid if possible. She would not
drink,Isaid.No,theywouldnot,theysaid,pasta
certainstageintheillness,whichwascharacterized
byanothersymptom:catsdecidetodie.Theycreep
86
particularlycats
intoacoolplacesomewhere,becauseoftheheat
oftheirblood,crouchdown,andwaittodie.
WhenItookblackcathome,shestalkedgauntly
intothegarden.Itwasearlyautumnandcold.She
crouchedagainstthechillofthegardenwall,cold
earthunderher,inthepatientwaitingpositionof
thenightbefore.
Icarriedherin,andputheronablanket,not
tooclosetoaradiator.Shewentbacktothegarden:
sameposition,samedeadly,patientposition.
I took her back and shut her in. She crept to
thedoor,andsettleddownthere,nosetowardsit,
waitingtodie.
I tempted her with water, water and glucose,
meat juices. It wasnt that she refused them: she
hadgonebeyondthem;foodwassomethingthatshe
had left behind. She did not want to come back;
shewouldnot.
Nextdaythepeopleatthehospitalsaidhertem-
peraturewasstillveryhigh.Ithadnotcomedown.
Andshemustdrink.
Ibroughtherhomeandthoughtitout.Clearly,
87
dorislessing
keeping black cat alive would be a full-time job.
AndIwasbusy.And,aspeopleinthehousewere
pointingout,shewasonlyacat.
Butshewasnotjustacat.Foravarietyofreasons,
allofthemhumanandirrelevanttoher,shemust
notbeallowedtodie.
I mixed a nasty but usefulsolution of glucose,
bloodandwater,andfoughtblackcat.
Shewouldnotopenherjawstotakeit.Asmall
feverishcreature,shadow-light,havinglostallher
healthysolidityofesh,shesat,orrather,collapsed,
inmylap,andshutherteethagainstthespoon.It
wasthestrengthofweakness:no,no,no.
I forced her teeth open, using her canines as
levers.Theliquidwasinherthroat,butshewould
notswallow.Iheldherjawsup,andtheliquidran
outofthesidesofhermouth.Butsomeofitmust
havegonedown,becauseafterthethird,fourth,fth
spoonful,shemadeafaintswallowingmovement.
Sothatwasit.Everyhalfhour.Itookthepoor
creaturefromhercorner,andforcedliquiddown
her.Iwasafraidofhurtingherjaw,becauseofusing
88
particularlycats
somuchpressureonherprojectingteeth.Herjaw
wasprobablyverypainful.
ThatnightIputherbymeonthebed,andwoke
hereveryhour.Thoughshewasnotreallyasleep.
Shecrouched,theheatfromthefeversendingwaves
allaroundher,eyeshalf-open,sufferingtheendof
herlife.
Nextdaythefeverhadstillnotgonedown.But
the day after it had; and now the clinic gave her
glucose injections. Each injection left a large soft
bulgeunderherstiffhide.Butshedidnotcare;she
caredaboutnothingatall.
Nowthatthefeverwasgone,shewasverycold.
Iwrappedherinanoldtowel,andputhernearthe
radiator. Every half hour, black cat and I fought.
Orrather,blackcatsintentiontodiefoughtwith
myintentionthatsheshouldnot.
Atnight,shecrouchedbymeonthebed,trem-
blingwiththesadfaintinnertremblingofextreme
weakness,atoweloverher.WhereverIputhershe
stayed;shedidnothavethestrengthtomove.But
she would not open her jaws to take liquid. She
89
dorislessing
would not. All her remaining strength went into
sayingno.
Tendayswentby.Itookhertothecathospital
every day. It was a place where young vets are
trained,ateachinghospital.Thepeopleoftheneigh-
bourhood take dogs and cats every morning,
betweennineandtwelve.Wesatonrowsofbenches
inalargebarewaiting-room,withthesickanimals
fretting,whining,barking.Allkindsoffriendships
werestruckuponaccountoftheillnessesofthese
animals.
Andallkindsofsmallsadincidentsstayinmy
mind. For instance, there was a woman, middle-
aged, her hair dyed light blonde, over a haggard
face. She had the most beautiful large dog which
wassleekwithfoodandattention.Therecouldnot
have been much wrong with the dog, which was
lively,andbarkedandwasproudofitself.Butthe
womanstoodinalightsuit,alwaysthesamesuit,
withoutacoat.Itwasalittlecold,notvery,and
therestofusworelightdressesorsweaters.But
sheshivereduncontrollably;theeshonherarms
90
particularlycats
andlegswasnotthere.Itwasclearthatshedidnot
haveenoughtoeat,andthathermoneyandtime
wentonthedog.Tofeedadogofthatsizecostsa
lotofmoney.Acatcosts,Ireckon,tenshillingsa
week,evenifitisntaspoiledbeast,asoursboth
are. That woman lived through her dog. I think
everyonefeltit.Thepeopleinthisareaaremostly
poor:thewaytheylookedather,shiveringthere
withherpamperedbeast,andtheninvitedherto
jump the queue to get out of the cold into the
building while we waited for the doors to open,
said that they understood her situation and were
sorryforher.
Andanincidentattheotherextremeorappar-
entlyso.Afatbulldogbutveryfat,rollsofesh
alloveritwasbroughtinbyafatboyofabout
twelve.Thedoctorshadthedogontheexamination
table,andexplainedtotheboythatadogmusteat
justsomuch,andonlyonceaday:therewasnothing
wrongwithitbutoverfeeding.Anditmustnotbe
fedbitsofcakeandbreadandsweetsand...The
fatboyrepeated,overandoveragain,thathewould
91
dorislessing
go back and tell his mother, he would tell his
mother,hesaid;butwhatshewantedtoknowwas,
whydidthedogwheezeandpant,afterall,itwas
onlytwoyearsold,anditwouldnotrunandplay
andbarkasotherdogsdid.Well,saidthedoctors
patiently,itwasaseasytooverfeedananimalasto
underfeedit.Ifyouoverfedadog,yousee . . .
Extraordinarilypatienttheyare;andverykind.
Andtactful.Thethingsthatmustbedonetoanimals
whichwouldupsettheirownerstakeplacebehind
closeddoors.Poorblackcatwastakenoffforher
injections and was gone twenty minutes, half an
hour, before being returned to me with the sub-
cutaneouswaterlumpingherstiffdirtyfur.
She had not licked herself, cleaned herself, for
days. She could not move. She was not getting
better. If all my attention, if all the skills of the
clinic made no difference, well, perhaps after all
sheshouldbeallowedtodie,sincethatwaswhat
shewanted.Thereshesat,dayafterday,underthe
radiator.Herfurwasalreadylikeadeadcats,with
dustanduffinit;hereyesweregummy;thefur
92
particularlycats
aroundhermouthwassolidwiththeglucoseItried
topourintoher.
Ithoughtofwhatitwaslikebeingsickinbed,
the feeling of irritable disgust, of self-hatred that
setsin,untilitseemstobetheillnessitself.Ones
hair needs washing; one can smell the sourness
ofillnessononesbreath,onesskin.Oneseems
shutinsideashellofsickness,amiasmaofillness.
Then along comes the nurse, washes ones face,
brushesoneshair,andwhisksawaysour-smelling
sheets.
No,ofcoursecatsarenothuman;humansare
notcats;butallthesame,Icouldntbelievethat
such a fastidious little beast as black cat was not
suffering from the knowledge of how dirty and
smellyshewas.
But you cant wash a cat. First I took a light
towelwrungoutinhotwater,andrubbedherwith
it,gently,allover,togetridofthedirtanduff
andstickiness.Thistookalongtime.Sheremained
passive,sufferedprobably,becausebynowherskin
waspuncturedbysomanyinjections.Then,when
93
dorislessing
shewaswarm,furandearsandeyes,Idriedher
withawarmedtowel.
AndthenandIthinkitwasthisthatmadethe
differenceImademyhandswarmbyheatingthem
in hot water, and I rubbed her, very slowly, all
over.Itriedtorubsomelifeintohercoldbody.I
didthisforsometime,abouthalfanhour.
Whenitwasnished,Icoveredherwithaclean
warmtowel.Andthen,verystiffandslow,shegot
upandwalkedacrossthekitchen.Shesooncrouched
downagain,wheretheimpulsetomovehadebbed
out.Butshehadmoved,ofherownaccord.
NextdayIaskedthedoctorsifrubbingthecat
mighthavemadesomedifference.Theysaid,prob-
ablynot,theythoughtitwastheinjections.However
thatmaybe,thereisnodoubtthepointwherethere
wasapossibilityofherlivingcamewhenshewas
cleanedandrubbed.Foranothertendaysshewas
givenglucosebytheclinic;forcedtotakethenasty
mixtureofmeatjuices,waterandglucosebyme;
andrubbedandbrushedtwiceaday.
Andallthistime,poorgreycatwaspushedon
94
particularlycats
one side. First things rst. Black cat needed too
muchattentionforgreycattobegivenmuch.But
grey cat was not going to accept handouts, no
second-best for her. She simply removed herself,
physicallyandemotionally,andwatched.Sometimes
shecamecautiouslytoblackcat,toallintentsand
purposes already dead, sniffed at her, and backed
away. Sometimes her hair lifted as she sniffed at
blackcat.Onceortwice,duringthetimeblackcat
wascreepingoutintothecoldgardentodie,grey
catwent too,andsat afew pacesawaywatching
her.Butshedidnotseemtobehostile;shedidnot
trytohurtblackcat.
Duringallthattime,greycatneverplayed,or
didhertricks,ormadespecialdemandsoverher
food.Shewasnotpetted,andshesleptinthecorner
ofthebedroomontheoor,notrolledupintoa
luxuriousball,butcrouchingtowatchthebedwhere
blackcatwasbeingnursed.
Thenblackcatbegantorecover,andtheworst
periodstartedthatis,fromthehumanpointof
view.Andperhapsforblackcattoo,whohadbeen
95
dorislessing
bullied back into life against her will. She was
like a kitten who had to do everything new, or
likeaveryoldperson.Shehadnocontrolofher
bowels: hadforgotten, itseemed, the functionof
dirt boxes. She ate painfully, clumsily, and made
messesassheate.Andwherevershewas,shemight
suddenlycollapse,andsitcrouchingandstaringin
frontofher.Veryupsettingitwas:thesmallsick
aloof beast, always sitting in a stiff crouch, never
rolledup,orstretchedout.Andstaringadeath-
likecatshelooked, withherstaringdistanteyes.
ForawhileIthoughtshemighthavegonealittle
crazy.
Butshegotbetter.Shestoppedmessingoors.
Sheate.Andoneday,insteadofsettlingintoher
usual waiting crouch, she remembered that one
couldliecurled.Itdidnotcomeeasilyoratonce.
Shemadetwoorthreeattempts,asifhermuscles
couldnotrememberhowthethingwasdone.Then,
shecurledherselfup,nosetotail,andslept.She
wasacatagain.
But she still had not licked herself. I tried to
96
particularlycats
remindherbytakingaforepawandrubbingitover
her cheek, but she let it drop. It was too soon.
Ihadtogoawayforasix-weektrip,andthecats
wereleftwithafriendtolookafterthem.
WhenIcamebackintothekitchen,greycatwas
sittingonthetable,bosscatagain.Andontheoor
wasblackcat,glossy,sleek,cleanandpurring.
The balance of power had been restored. And
black cat had forgotten she had been ill. But not
quite. Her muscles have never quite recovered.
Thereisastiffnessinherhaunches:shecantjump
cleanly, though well enough. On her back above
hertailisathinpatchoffur.Andsomewherein
her brain is held a memory of that time. Over a
yearlaterItookhertotheclinicbecauseshehad
aminorearinfection.Shedidnotmindbeingcarried
thereinthebasket.Shedidnotmindthewaiting-
room.Butwhenshewascarriedintothediagnosing
room,shebegantotrembleandtosalivate.They
tookherintotheinsideroom,whereshehadhad
so many injections, to clean her ears, and when
she was brought back, she was rigid with fright,
97
dorislessing
hermouthstreaming,andshetrembledforhours
afterwards. But she is a normal cat, with normal
instincts.
98
chaptersix
Perhaps it is because she was so near death, but
blackcatsappetitesareenormous:inblackcatwe
arewitnessingtheredressingofabalance.
Sheeatsthreeorfourtimesasmuchasgreycat,
andwhensheisonheat,sheisformidable.Grey
catwasluxuriouslyamorous.Blackcatisobsessed.
For four or ve days, the humans watch, awed,
this singleminded force of nature. Black cat an-
nouncestheonsetofherneedforamateinafren-
ziedpurring,rollinganddemandtobepetted.She
makeslovetoourfeet,tothecarpet,toahand.
Blackcatyowlsaroundthegarden.Blackcatcom-
plainsatthetopofhervoicethatitisnotenough,
not enough and then, sex no longer being her
concern,sheisamother,fulltimeandahundred
99
dorislessing
percent,withneveranimpulsetowardsanything
else.
The father of black cats rst litter was a new
cat,ayoungtabby.Thatsummertherewasanew
populationofcats.Thevivisectionists,orthecat-fur
suppliers,hadmadeanotherhaulinourblock,and
sixcatshaddisappearedovernight.
There were available: the handsome tabby; a
long-haired black-and-white cat; a white cat with
greypatches.Shewantedthetabby,andshegotthe
tabby. With supplements. Towards the end of
theseconddayofherbeingonheat,Iobservedthe
followingscene.
Black cat had been under the tabby for some
hours.Shecamerunningintothehall,wantingto
bechased.Theresherolledover,waiting.Thetabby
cameinafterher,lookedather,lickedher,then
assherolledandcoaxed,pinnedherdownwitha
pawasiftosay,bequietforaminute.Indulgent,
affectionate,therehecrouched,pinningdownthe
importunateblackcat.Underhispawshewriggled
andpleaded.Bequiet,saidhe.Thenshewriggled
100
particularlycats
free,andchasedoutintothegarden,lookingback
toseeifhefollowed.Hedidfollow,takinghistime.
Inthegardenwaitedtheblack-and-whitecat.Our
catrolledandenticedthetabby,whosat,apparently
indifferent,lickinghisfur.Buthewaswatchingher.
She began to roll in front of the black-and-white
cat.Thetabbycatwentoverandcrouchedbythe
pair,watching.Hesatthere,observing,whileblack
catmatedwithblack-and-whitecat.Itwasashort
mating.Whenblackcatgotfreeofhernewmate,
purelyforthepurposeofcoquetry,tabbycatpun-
ishedherforindelitybyboxingherears.Hegot
ontopofherhimself.Atnopointdidhetakeany
noticeof,orpunish,theblack-and-whitecat,who
from time to time during those three, four days
tookaturnwithblackcat,whoseearsgotboxed,
butwithoutmuchemphasis.
Catshaveadoubleuterus,likerabbits.Blackcat
hadsixkittens.Therewasonegreyishkitten,two
blackones,threeblack-and-white,soitlookedasif
thesecond-stringmatehadmoreeffectonthekittens
thanthefavouredtabby.
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dorislessing
Likegreycat,blackcatisveryfarfromthenatural
law which says kittens should be born in a dark
hiddenplace. Shelikesto havekittens inaroom
whichisalwaysinhabited.Atthattime,theroom
at the top of the house was used by a girl who
was studying for examinations, and therefore
mostly in. Black cat chose her leather chair, and
gavebirthwhilegreycatwatched.Onceortwice
grey cat climbed up on the arm of the chair,
and put down a paw to touch a kitten. But in
this area, the maternal, black cat is sure of her-
selfandcommandsgreycat,whowasmadetoget
down.
Thekittenswerebornproperly,neatly,andwith
dispatch. As usual we went through the awful
business,asthereappearedone,two,three,four,
ve,sixkittens,ofhopingthateachonewouldbe
thelast,hopingthatjustthisonceshemighthave
two,perhapsthree.Asusualwedecidedthatthree
would be enough, we would dispose of the rest,
andthen,whentheywereclean,standingup,front
pawsonmammaschest,vigorouslynursingwhile
102
particularlycats
shepurredandwasproudofherself,decidedthat
wecouldnotpossiblykillthem.
Unlikegreycat,shehatedtoleavethem;andwas
bestpleasedwheretherewerefourorvepeople
aroundthechair,admiringher.Whengreycatyawns,
accepting homage, she is insolent, languid. Black
cat,amongkittens,toldsheiscleverandbeautiful,
yawnshappily,withoutself-consciousness,verypink
mouthandpinktongueagainsttheblack,blackfur.
Black cat, mother, is fearless. When there are
kittensinthehouse,andothercatsinvade,blackcat
hurlsherselfdownthestairsandrushesscreeching
afterthem:theygopeltingoffandoverthewalls.
Butgreycat,ifanunwelcomecatappears,will
growlandthreatenandwarnuntilahumancomes.
Then,supported,sherushesaftertheintruderbut
not before. If nobody comes, she waits for black
cat.Blackcatattacks;afterher,greycat.Blackcat
trotsbacktothehouse,purposeful,busy,mission
accomplished;greycat,coward,sauntersback,stops
tolickherfur,thenscreamsdeancefrombehind
humanlegs,oradoor.
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dorislessing
Greycat,whenblackcatisoccupiedwithkittens,
isalmost,notquite,restoredtoherself.Shestrolls
aroundthebedatnight,choosingherfavouredplace,
notunderthesheetnow,oronmyshoulder,but
intheanglebehindtheknees,oragainstthecurve
ofthefeet.Greycatlicksmyface,delicately,looks
brieyoutofthewindowatthenight,acknowledg-
ingtree,moon,stars,winds,ortheamoursofother
catsfromwhichsheisnowinnitelyremoved,then
settlesdown.Inthemorning,whenshewishesme
to wake, she crouches on my chest, and pats my
face with her paw. Or, if I am on my side, she
croucheslookingintomyface.Soft,softtouchesof
herpaw.Iopenmyeyes,sayIdontwanttowake.
I close my eyes. Cat gently pats my eyelids. Cat
licksmynose.Catstartspurring,twoinchesfrom
myface.Cat,then,asIliepretendingtobeasleep,
delicatelybitesmynose.Ilaughandsitup.Atwhich
sheboundsoffmybedandstreaksdownstairsto
havethebackdooropenedifitiswinter,tobefed,
ifitissummer.
Black cat descends from the top of the house,
104
particularlycats
whenshethinksitistimetogetup,andsitsonthe
oorlookingatme.SometimesIbecomeconscious
oftheinsistentstareofheryelloweyes.Shegets
upontothebed.Greycatsoftlygrowls.Butblack
cat, supported by her nest of kittens, knows her
rightsandisnotafraid.Shegoesacrossthefootof
thebed,anduptheotherside,nearthewall,ignor-
ing the grey cat. She sits, waiting. Grey cat and
black cat exchange long green and yellow stares.
Then,ifIdontgetup,blackcatjumpsneatly,right
overme,andontotheoor.Thereshelooksto
seeifthegesturehaswakenedme.Ifithasnt,she
doesitagain.Andagain.Greycat,thencontemptu-
ousofblackcatslackofsubtlety,showsherhow
thingsshouldbedone:shecrouchestopatmyface.
Blackcat,however,cannotlearnthenesseofgrey
cat:sheisimpatientofit.Shedoesnotknowhow
topatafaceintolaughter,orhowtobite,gently,
mockingly. She knows that if she jumps over me
oftenenough,Iwillwakeupandfeedher,andthen
shecangetbacktoherkittens.
Ihavewatchedhertryingtocopygreycat.When
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dorislessing
grey cat lies stretched out for admiration and we
say Pretty cat, pppprrreeetty cat, black cat ops
down beside her, in the same position. Grey cat
yawns;blackcatyawns.Greycatthenpullsherself
alongunderthesofaonherback;andnowblack
catisdefeated,shecantdothistrick.Soshegoes
offtoherkittens,where,sheknowsquitewell,we
comeandadmirehertoo.
Greycatwasturningintoahunter.Thiswasnot
inpursuitoffood.Herhuntingisatnotimeconnec-
tedwithfoodthatisfoodconsideredasasubstance
tonourish,ratherthanasaremark,orstatement,
aboutheremotions.
OneweekendIhadforgottentobuythefresh
rabbitwhichbythenwastheonlythingshewould
eat.Therewastinnedcatfood.Greycat,whenshe
ishungry,sits,notinthefoodcorner,blackcats
lowlyplace,butacrossthekitcheninherplace.She
nevermiaowsforfood.Shesitsnearanimaginary
saucer,lookingatme.IfItakenonotice,shecomes
across,weavesaboutmylegs.IfIstilltakenonotice,
shejumpsup,pawsonmyskirt.Then,shegently
106
particularlycats
nipsmycalf.Asanalcomment,shegoestoblack
cats saucer, turns her back on it, and scratches
imaginarydirtoverit,sayingthatasfarassheis
concerned,itisexcrement.
But there was no rabbit in the refrigerator. I
openedtherefrigerator,whileshesatclose,waiting,
thenshutitagain,inordertosaytherewasnothing
inittointeresther,andifshewasreallyhungry,
she would have to eat tinned food. She did not
understand, and sat herself by the non-existent
saucer.Iagainopenedtherefrigerator,shutit,indi-
catedthetinnedfood,andwentbacktowork.
Greycatthenwalkedoutofthekitchen,andin
afewminutescamebackwithtwocookedsausages,
whichsheputatmyfeet.
Wickedcat!Thiefofacat!Amoralcat!Sausage-
stealingcat!
Ateachepithetsheclosedhereyesinacknowl-
edgement, turned around, scratched imaginary
dirt over the sausages, went out of the kitchen,
furious.
Iascendedtothebedroom,fromwhereIcansee
107
dorislessing
thebackyardsandgardensandwalls.Greycathad
comeoutofthehouse,andwascrossingthegarden
tothebackwallinaleanlonghuntersrun.She
jumpedonthebackwall,ranalongit,disappeared.
Icouldnotseewhereshehadgone.
Iwentbackto thekitchen.Sheappearedwith
anothercookedsausage,whichshelaidbesidethe
rsttwo.Then,havingscratcheddirtoverthat,she
leftthekitchenandwenttosleeponmybed.
Next day, on the kitchen oor, a string of
uncookedsausages,andbesidethem,greycat,sitting
andwaitingformetodeciphertheimplicationsof
thisstatement.
Ithoughtthatperhapsthepooractorsfromthe
little theatre were losing their lunches. But no. I
watched,frommybedroomwindow,greycattrot
alongthewall,andthenjumpupanddisappearinto
ahousewallatrightanglestoit.Ihadnoticedthat
acoupleofbrickshadbeentakenoutpresumably
asventilationintoakitchen.Noteasyforacatto
tintothatsmallhole,particularlyafterathree-foot
jump froma narrow wall, butthat was what she
108
particularlycats
wasdoing,andstilldoes,whenshewishestoconvey
sheisnotbeingsuitablyfed.
Thepoorwomaninthekitchen,havingcooked
a couple of sausages for her husbands breakfast,
turnsandndsthemgone.Ghosts!Orshesmacks
an innocent dog or child. Or she puts out, on a
plate,apoundofrawsausagesreadyforthefrying
pan.Sheturnsherbackforamomentnosausages.
Greycatisrunningacrossourgarden,astringof
sausages trailing behind her, to deposit them on
ourkitchenoor.Perhapsthisgestureoriginatedin
hunting ancestors who were trained to catch and
bringfoodtohumans;andthememoryofitremains
inherbraintobeconvertedintothisnear-human
language.
Inthebigsycamoreatthebottomofthegarden,a
thrushbuildsanesteveryyear.Everyyear,thelittle
birdshatchoutandtaketheirrstightsdowninto
thejawsofwaitingcats.Motherbird,fatherbird,
comesdownafterthem,iscaught.
The frightened chattering and squealing of a
109
dorislessing
caughtbirddisturbsthehouse.Greycathasbrought
thebirdin,butonlytobeadmiredforherskill,
forsheplayswithit,torturesitandwithwhat
grace.Blackcatcrouchesonthestairsandwatches.
Shehasneverkilledabird.Butwhen,three,four,
vehoursaftergreycathascaughtthething,and
itisdead,ornearlyso,blackcattakesitandtosses
itupandabout,inemulationofthegamesgreycat
plays.EverysummerIrescuebirdsfromgreycat,
throw them well away from her, into the air, or
intoanothergardenthatis,ifnotbadlydamaged,
sotheymayhaveachancetorecover.Whenthis
happens, grey cat is furious, puts her ears back,
glares,shedoesnotunderstand,no,notatall.When
shebringsabirdin,sheisproud.Itis,infact,a
present;afactIdidnotunderstanduntilthesummer
inDevon.ButIscoldherandtakethemaway,I
amnotpleased.
Horriblecat!Bird-torturingcat!Murderouscat!
Sadistic cat! Degenerate descendant of honest
hunters!
Shesparksoffanger,inanswertomyangryvoice;
110
particularlycats
andrushesoutofthehousewiththesquealingbird.
Ilockthebackdoor,shutthewindows,whilethe
torture goes on. Later, when everything is quiet,
greycatcomesback.Shedoesnotwreathemylegs,
or greet me. She snubs me, stalks upstairs, and
sleeps it off. The corpse of the bird, dead from
exhaustionmorethanfromcatsteethandclaws,is
stiffeninginthegarden.
WhenIhadthebigtreetrimmed,attherequest
oftheneighbours,someofwhomdislikeitbecause
itshadestheirgardens,somebecauseItmakessuch
a mess everywhere with its leaves, the tree man
stoodinthegardenandcomplained.Notdirectly
againstme,thecustomerwhoafterallwasgoingto
payhim;butagainstmodernlife,which,hesays,is
anti-tree.
Everyday,hesaid,bitter,bitter:theyring.I
go.Theresanetree.Itstakenahundredyears
togrowwhatarewe,comparedtoatree?They
say,cutit,itsspoilingmyroses.Roses!Whatare
roses,comparedtoatree?Ihavetocutatreefor
thesakeoftheroses.OnlyyesterdayIhadtocut
111
dorislessing
anashdowntothreefeetofftheground.Tomake
atable,shesaid,atable,andthetreetookahundred
yearstogrow.Shewantedtositatatableanddrink
teaandlookatherroses.Notreesthesedays,the
trees are going. And if you do a good job, they
dontlikeit,no,theywantithackedoutofitsreal
shape. And what about the birds? Did you know
youhadanestuponthatbranch?
Cats,Isaid,Idbepleasedifthebirdswould
nestsomewhereelse.
Ah,yes,saidhe,thatswhatIhearthecats.
Everybodywantstheirtreescut,andcatsallover
theplace.Whatchanceforthebirds?Itellyou,Im
goingtogiveupthisjob,noonewantsanhonest
craftsmanthesedayslookatthosecats,justlook
atthem!
Forthetreeman,treesandbirds,aunit,asacred
unittobegivenpreference,Ishouldimagine,over
humanbeings,ifhehadthedecision.Asforcats,
hedgetridofthemall.
He trimmed, not hacked, the tree; and next
springathrushbuiltthere,andthelittlebirdscame
112
particularlycats
uttering down as usual. One, however, ew
straightintothetopbackwindow,thespareroom.
Andspentadaythere,sofriendlyitsatonachair
andlookedatmefromthedistanceofafoot,almost
eyetoeye.Ithadnoimpulseoffeartowardshuman
beingsnotyet.Ikeptthedoorshutwhilegrey
catprowledoutside.Latethatsummersevening,
whenallthebirdswerealreadyquietandasleep,
thelittlebirdewstraightbackfromthewindow
tothetree,withoutgoingneartheground.Soper-
hapsitsurvived.
Whichremindsmeofastorytoldmebyalady
wholivesatthetopofaseven-storeyblockofats
inParis,nearthePlaceContrescarpe.Shebelieves
in travelling light, having no encumbrances, and
beingfreetomoveanywhereatanymoment.Her
husbandisasailor.Well,oneafternoonabirdew
infromthetreetopsandshowednosignsofwanting
toleave.Sheisatidywoman,thelasttoputup
withbirddroppings.Butsomethinggotintoher.
Sheputdownnewspapersandallowedthebirdto
become friendly. The bird did not leave for the
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dorislessing
southwhenwintercame,asitshouldhavedone;
andsuddenlymyfriendunderstoodshewaslanded
witharesponsibility.Ifshethrewthebirdoutnow,
intowintryParis,itwoulddie.Shehadtogoona
tripforacoupleofweeks.Shecouldnotleavethe
bird.Sosheboughtacageandtookitwithher.
Then,shesawherself:Imagineit:me!me!arriv-
ingataprovincialhotelwithasuitcaseinonehand,
andabirdcageintheother!Me!ButwhatcouldI
do?Ihadthebirdinmyroom,andthatmeantI
had to be friendly with madame and the maids.
IhadturnedintoaloverofhumanitygoodGod!
Oldladiesstoppedmeonthestairs.Girlstoldme
abouttheirloveproblems.IwentrightbacktoParis
andsulkeduntilthespringcame.ThenIthrewthat
birdoutofthewindowwithacurse,andeversince
thenIvekeptthewindowsshut.Isimplywillnot
belikedandthatsthat!
Blackcatgotpregnantwithhersecondlitterwhen
therstwereonlytendaysold.Thisstruckmeas
uneconomic,butthevetsaiditwasusual.Therunt
114
particularlycats
ofthislitterandruntsareforsomereasonoften
thenicestincharacter,perhapsbecausetheyhave
tomakeupincharmforwhattheothershavein
strength went to a at full of students. It was
sittingonashoulderatathird-oorwindowwhen
adogbarkedintheroombehindit.Onareexof
fright,itjumpedstraightoutofthewindow.Every-
onerusheddowntothepavementtopickupthe
corpse.Buttheresatthekittenlickingitself.Ithad
notbeenharmedatall.
Blackcat,temporarilykittenless,camedownstairs
toordinarylife.Probablygreycathadimaginedthat
blackcathadremovedherselfupstairsintoresponsi-
bility and maternity for good. And so she would
havetheeldtoherself.Sheunderstooditwasnot
so;shecouldbethreatenedatanytime.Againthe
battleforpositionwasfought,andthistimeitwas
unpleasant.Blackcathadhadherkittens,wasmore
sureofherself,andwasnotsoeasilyintimidated.
Forinstance,shewasnotgoingtosleepontheoor
oronthesofa.
Thismatterwassettledthus:greycatslepton
115
dorislessing
thetopofthebed,blackcatatthefoot.Butitwas
greycatwhomightwakeme.Whichactwasnow
performedentirelyforthebenetofblackcat:the
teasing, patting, licking, purring was done while
grey cat watched her rival: look, watch me. And
thetricksoverfood:watchme,watchme.Andthe
birds:lookwhatIcandothatyoucant.Ithink,
duringthoseweeks,thecatswerenotconsciousof
humans.Theywererelatingtoeachotheronly,like
children in rivalry, for whom adults are manoeu-
vrable,bribableobjects,outsidetheobsessionwhere
thechildrenareconsciousonlyofeachother.All
theworldnarrowstotheother,whomustbebeaten,
outwitted.Asmallbright,hotandfrightfulworld,
likethatoffever.
The cats lost their charm. They did the same
things, performed the same actions. But charm
lost.
Whatischarmthen?Thefreegivingofagrace,
thespendingofsomethinggivenbynatureinherrole
ofspendthrift.Butthereissomethinguncomfortable
here,somethingintolerable,agrittiness,wearein
116
particularlycats
the presence of injustice. Because some creatures
are given so much more than others, they must
giveitback?Charmissomethingextra,superuous,
unnecessary, essentially a power thrown away
given.Whengreycatrollsonherbackinapatch
ofwarmsunlight,luxurious,voluptuous,delightful,
thatischarm,anditcatchesthethroat.Whengrey
catrolls,everymovementthesame,buttheeyes
narrowed on black cat, it is ugly, and even the
movementitselfhasahardabruptqualitytoit.And
black cat watching, or trying to copy something
for which she has no natural gift, has an envious
furtiveness,asifshewerestealingsomethingthat
does not belong to her. If nature squanders on a
creature,asshehasdoneongreycat,arbitrarily,
intelligence and beauty, then grey cat should, in
return,squanderthemaslavishly.
As black cat does her maternity. When she is
nested among her kittens, one slender jet paw
stretchedoverthem,protectiveandtyrannical,eyes
half-closed,apurrdeepinherthroat,sheismag-
nicent,generousandcarelesslysureofherself.
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dorislessing
Meanwhilepoorgreycat,denudedofhersex,sits
acrosstheroom,inherturnenviousandgrudging,
andallherbodyandherfaceandherbentbackears
saying:Ihateher,Ihateher.
Inshort,foraperiodofsomeweeks,theywere
nopleasuretothehumansinthehouse,andsurely
nopleasuretothemselves.
Buteverythingchangedsuddenly,becausethere
wasatriptothecountry,whereneitherhadever
been.
118
chapterseven
Theybothhadmemoriesofpainandfearassociated
withthecatbasket;soIthoughttheywouldntlike
totravelinit.Theywereputlooseinthebackof
thecar.Greycatatoncejumpedintothefront,to
my lap. She was miserable. All the way out of
Londonshesatshiveringandmiaowing,acontinuous
shrillcomplaintthatdroveusallmad.Blackcats
plaint was low and mournful, and related to her
innerdiscomfort,nottowhatwasgoingonaround
her.Greycatwasshriekingeverytimeacarorlorry
appearedinthesquareofthewindow.SoIputher
downatmyfeetwhereshecouldnotseethetrafc.
Thisdidnotsuither.Shewantedtoseewhatcaused
the sounds that frightened her. At the same time
shehatedseeingit.Shesatcrouchedonmyknee,
119
dorislessing
liftingherheadasasoundincreased,sawtheblack
vibratingmassofmachinerypassingahead,orfalling
behindandmiaowed.Experiencingtrafcthrough
acatisalessoninwhatweallofusblockoffevery
timewegetintoacar.Wedonotheartheappalling
dintheshaking,theroaring,thescreeching.Ifwe
did,wewouldgoslightlycrazy,likegreycat.
Unabletostandit,westoppedthecar,andtried
toputherintoabasket.Shewentintoafrenzy,
hystericalwithfear.Weletherlooseagainandtried
blackcat.Shewasveryhappytobeinthebasket
withthelidshutdownoverher.Fortherestofthe
journeyblackcatcrouchedinthebasket,herblack
nosethroughaholeinitsside.Westrokedhernose
andaskedhowshedid;andsherepliedinthelow
sadvoice,butdidnotseemundulyupset.Perhaps
thefactshewaspregnanthadsomethingtodowith
hercalm.
Meanwhile grey cat complained. Grey cat
miaowedsteadily,alltheway,sixhoursofdriving
toDevon.Finallyshegotunderthefrontseat,and
the insensatemeaningless miaowingwent on,and
120
particularlycats
notalkingorsoothingorcomfortinghadanyeffect
atall.Soonwedidnothearit,aswedonothear
trafc.
That night was spent in a friends house in a
village.Bothcatswereputintoalargeroomwith
adirtboxandfood.Theycouldnotbeletloose
because there were cats in the house. Grey cats
terrorwasforgottenintheneedtooutdoblackcat.
Sheusedthedirtboxrst;aterst;andgotonto
theonlybed.Thereshesat,defyingblackcattoget
ontoit.Blackcatate,usedthedirtbox,andsat
ontheoor,lookingupatgreycat.Whengreycat
gotoffthebed,later,toeat,blackcatleapedon
thebedandwasatoncechasedoff.
Sotheyspentthenight.Atleast,whenIwoke,
therewasblackcatontheoor,gazingupatgrey
catwhosatonguardatthebottomofthebed,eyes
blazingdown.
Wemovedintoacottageonthemoor.Itisan
old place, which had been empty for some time.
Therewasverylittlefurniture.Butithadalarge
replace.Thesecatshadnotseenanakedre.As
121
dorislessing
thelogsburnedup,greycatscreamedwithfright,
andedupstairsandgotunderabed,whereshe
stayed.
Black cat sniffed around the downstairs room,
discoveredtheonlyarmchair,andmadeitherown.
She was interested by the re; was not afraid, as
longasshedidnotgotooclose.
But she was afraid of the country outside the
cottageelds,grass,trees,notenclosedherein
tidyrectanglesofbrick,butacresofthem,cutwith
lowstonewalls.
Bothcatshadtobechasedoutofthehouse,for
the purpose of cleanliness, for some days. Then
theyunderstood,andtookthemselvesoutbriey,
though;notfurther,atrst,thanunderthewindows
wherethereareowerbedsandcobblestones.Then
a bit further, to a stone wall solid with growth.
Thenintoapatchofgroundsurroundedbywalls.
Andfromthere,onherrstvisit,greycatdidnot
return at once. It was high with nettles, thistles,
foxgloves;fullofbirdsandmice.Greycatcrouched
attheedgeofthislittlewilderness,whiskers,ears,
122
particularlycats
tailatworklisteningandfeeling.Butshewasnt
readyyettoacceptherownnature.Abirdlanding
suddenlyonabranchwasenoughtosendherscam-
peringbacktothehouseandupstairsunderthebed.
Where she stayed for some days. But when cars
came, with visitors, or people delivering wood,
bread,milk,sheseemedtofeeltrappedinthehouse,
andsheranoutofitintotheelds,whereshefelt
safer.Shewas,inshort,disorientated;shewasnot
anywhere near herself; there was no sense in her
instincts.Norwassheeating;itisincrediblehow
longacatcangowithoutmorethanalickofmilk
or water, when it is disdaining unliked food, or
frightened,oralittlesick.
Wewereafraidshemightrunawaytry,per-
haps,togetbacktoLondon.
WhenIwasaboutsix,seven,amansatinour
lamplit thatched room on the farm one night,
caressingacat.Irememberhimtherestrokingthe
beast,talkingtoit;andtheenclosingcircleoflamp-
lightmadeofthem,manandcat,apictureIcan
seenow.IfeelagainwhatIfeltsostronglythen,
123
dorislessing
unease, discomfort. I was standing by my father,
and feeling, with him. But what was going on? I
prodmymemory,trytotakeitbysurprise,tostart
itworkingbyseeingthewarmglowonsoftgrey
fur,hearingagainhisoveremotionalvoice.Butall
thatcomesbackisdiscomfort,wantinghimtogo.
Somethingwasverywrong.Anyway,hewantedthe
cat.Hewasalumberman;hecuttimbernearthe
mountainsabouttwentymilesaway.Atweekends
hewentbacktohiswifeandchildreninSalisbury.
Nowonehastoask:Whatdidhewantwithacat
in a lumber camp? Why a grown cat and not a
kitten,whowouldlearnitbelongedtohim,orat
least, to the camp? Why this cat? Why were we
preparedtopartwithagrowncat,ariskything,at
any time, and to a man only temporarily at the
camp,forwiththerainyseasonhewouldgoback
totown?Why?Well,theanswerofcourseliesin
thetension,thediscordintheroomthatevening.
Wemadeatriptothecampwiththecat.
High among the foothills of a mountain range,
parklikecountry,withlargequiettrees.Lowamong
124
particularlycats
thetrees,anestofwhitetentsinaclearing.The
cicadas were shrilling. It was late September or
October,becausetherainssoonbroke.Veryhot,
verydry.Awayamongthetrees,thewhineofthe
saw,steady,monotonous,likethecicadas.Then,an
exaggeratedsilencewhenitstopped.Thecrashas
another tree fell, and a strong smell of warmed
leavesandgrassreleasedbythebranchescrashing
down.
Wespentthenightthereinthehotsilentplace.
Thecatwasleft.Notelephoneatthecamp;butthe
man rang next weekend to say the cat had dis-
appeared.Hewassorry;hehadputbutteronits
paws,asmymotherhadtoldhim,buttherewas
noplacetoshutitup,becauseyoucouldntshuta
catinatent;andithadrunaway.
Afortnightlater,inthemiddleofahotmorning,
thecatcrepttothehousefromthebush.Shehad
beenasleekgreycat.Nowshewasthin,herfur
wasrough,hereyeswildandfrightened.Sheran
uptomymotherandcrouched,lookingather,to
makesurethatthispersonatleasthadstayedthe
125
dorislessing
sameinafrighteningworld.Thenshewentupinto
her arms, purring, crying, in her happiness to be
homeagain.
Well,thatwastwentymiles,perhapsfteenas
a bird might y, but not as a cat would have to
travel.Thecatslippedoutofthecamp,hernose
pointed in the direction her instinct told her she
mustgo.Therewasnoclearroadshecouldtake.
Betweenourfarmandthecampwereahaphazard
meanderofroads,allofthemdirttracks,andthe
roadtothecampwasforfourorvemileswheel
tracksthroughdrygrass.Unlikelyshecouldfollow
thecarsrouteback.Shemusthavecomestraight
acrosscountry,desolateuntenantedveldwhichhad
plentyofmiceandratsandbirdsforhertoeat,but
alsocatenemies,likeleopards,snakes,birdsofprey.
Sheprobablymovedatnight.Thereweretworivers
togetacross.Theywerenotlargerivers,attheend
ofthedryseason.Inplacestherewerestonesacross;
orshemightperhapshaveexaminedthebankstill
she found a place where branches met over the
water, and crossed through the trees. She might
126
particularlycats
have swum. Ive heard that cats do, though Ive
neverseenit.
Therainyseasonbrokeinthattwoweeks.Both
riverscomedowninasuddenood,andunexpec-
tedly. A storm happens upstream, ten, fteen,
twentymilesaway.Thewaterbanksup,andsweeps
downinawave,anythingfromtwotofteenfeet
high.Thecatmightveryeasilyhavebeensittingon
theedgewaitingforachancetocrosstheriverwhen
therstwatersoftheseasoncamedown.Butshe
wasluckywithbothrivers.Shehadgotwetthrough:
herfurhadbeensoaked,andhaddried.Whenshe
had got safely over the second river, there was
another ten miles of empty veld. She must have
travelledblind,erce,hungry,desperate,knowing
nothingatallexceptthatshemusttravel,andthat
shewaspointedintherightdirection.
Greycatdidnotrunaway,evenifshewasthink-
ingofitwhenstrangerscametothecottage,and
shehidherselfintheelds.Asforblackcat,she
madeherselfathomeinthearmchair,andstayed
there.
127
dorislessing
Forus,itwasatimeofmuchhardwork,painting
walls,cleaning oors,cuttingacresof nettlesand
weeds.Wewereeatingforutility,sincetherewasnt
muchtimeforcooking.Andblackcatatewithus,
happy,sincegreycatsfearhadremovedherasa
rival.Itwasblackcatwhowreathedourlegswhen
wecamein,whopurred,whowaspetted.Shesat
inthechair,watchingusclumpinandoutofthe
room in big boots, and regarded the re, ames,
red,always-movingcreaturesthatsoonbutnot
immediately,ittooktimepersuadedherintothe
belief of what we take for granted, that a hearth
andacatgotogether.
Soonshebecamebraveenoughtogoclosetothe
re,andsitnearit.Sheranupontothepileof
logsstackedinthecorner,andjumpedfromthere
intotheoldbreadoven,which,shedecided,would
beabetterplaceforkittensthanthearmchair.But
someoneforgot,andtheovendoorwasshut.And
then,inthemiddleofawindynight,themournful
crywithwhichblackcatannounceshelplessnessin
thefaceoffate.Nocomplaintofblackcatscanbe
128
particularlycats
ignored:itisserious,forunlikegreycat,shenever
complainswithoutgoodcause.Werandownstairs.
Thesadmiaowcamefromthewall.Blackcathad
beenlockedinthebreadoven.Notdangerous;but
shewasfrightened;andshereturnedtooor-and-
armchairlevel,wherelifewastestedandsafe.
Whengreycatatlastdecidedtocomedownstairs
fromherretreatunderthebed,blackcatwasqueen
ofthecottage.
Greycatattemptedtooutstareblackcat;tried
tofrightenheroffthechairandawayfromthere,
by tensing her muscles threateningly, and making
sudden angry movements. Black cat ignored her.
Greycattriedtostartthegamesofprecedenceover
food.Butshewasunlucky,wewerealltoobusyto
playthem.
Therewasblackcat,happyinfrontofthere,and
therewasgreycatwellawayfromit,excluded.
Greycatsatinthewindowandmiaoweddeance
atthemovingames.Shecamenearerthere
didnothurther.Andbesides,theresatblackcat,
notmuchfurtherthanwhiskersdistancefromit.
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dorislessing
Grey cat came closer, sat on the hearthrug, and
watchedtheames,earsback,tailtwitching.Slowly,
she, too, understood that re behind bars was a
benet. She lay down and rolled in front of it,
exposing her creamy belly to the warmth, as she
wouldinsunlightonaLondonoor.Shehadcome
totermswithre.Butnotwithblackcatstaking
precedence.
Iwasaloneinthecottageforafewdays.Sud-
denly,therewasnoblackcat.Greycatsatinthe
armchair,greycatwasinfrontofthere.Blackcat
wasnotanywhereinthecottage.Greycatpurred
andlickedmeandbitme;greycatkeptsayinghow
niceitwastobealone,hownicetherewasnoblack
cat.
Iwenttolookforblackcatandfoundherina
eld, hiding. She miaowed sadly, and I took her
back to the house, where she ran in terror from
greycat.Ismackedgreycat.
Then,whenIdroveofftoshoportogoonthe
moors, I found black cat coming after me to the
car,miaowing.Itwasnotthatshewantedtogoin
130
particularlycats
thecarwithme;shedidnotwantmetogoatall.
I noticed that as I drove away, she climbed on a
wall,orintoatree,withherbackprotected,and
shedidnotcomedownuntilIreturned.Greycat
wasbeatingherupwhenIwasaway.Blackcatwas
by thenvery pregnant, and thissecond litter was
comingtoosoonaftertherst.Greycatwasmuch
strongerthanshe.ThistimeIsmackedgreycatvery
hard; and I told her what I thought of her. She
understoodwellenough.WhenIwentoffdriving
Iputblackcatinthecottage,andlockedgreycat
out.Greycatsulked.Blackcatwassubdued;but,
supportedbyus,tookbackthearmchairandwould
notletgreycatnearit.
Greycatthereforewentoutinthegarden,which
was now a half acre of low stubble. She caught
some mice and brought them in, leaving them in
themiddleoftheoor.Wewerenotpleased,and
threwthemout.Greycatremovedherselffromthe
cottageandspentherdaysintheopen.
Downatinypathbetweenstonewallsisalittle
glade,which,oncewehadcutthegrassthatlled
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dorislessing
itshoulder-highprovedtohavesetinitsdepthsa
smooth silent pool. Over the pool hangs a great
tree;arounditgrass,thenshrubsandbushes.
Thereisastoneneartheedgeofthepool.Grey
catsatonitandlookedatthewater.Wasitdanger-
ous?Anexpanseofwaterwasasnewtoherasre
hadbeen.Awindmaderipples,whichwashedat
thestonesedgeandwettedherpaws.Sheletout
apetulantcomplaintandchasedbacktothehouse.
Whereshesatoutsidethedoor,earsmoving,look-
ingdownthepathtothepool.Slowly,shemade
herwaybacknotatonce:greycatcouldnever
admit so quickly that she might be wrong about
something. First she posed herself, licked herself,
preenedherself,toshowindifference.Thenshetook
a circuitous route to the pool, through the high
patchofgarden,anddownoverarockybank.The
stone was still there, by the water. The water,
slightlymoving,wasthere.Andoverit,thelow-
hangingtree.Catpickedherwayannoyedlythrough
wetgrasslikeanoldlady.Shesatonthestoneand
looked at the water. The boughs over her swung
132
particularlycats
andmovedinthewind;andagainthewaterwashed
uptoherpaws.Shewithdrewthemandsatupright,
inatightclosepose.Shelookedupatthetree,which
wasinaurryofmovementthatwasfamiliarto
her.Sheconsideredthemovingwater.Thenshedid
somethingIveseenherdowithherfood.Bothgrey
cat and black cat, when offered food that is
unfamiliartothem,willputoutapawandtouch
it.Theyprodit,patit,liftthepawtotheirmouths
andrstsmell,thenlickthenewsubstance.Grey
cat stretched out a paw to the water, not quite
touchingit.Shewithdrewit.Shenearlyranaway
then:hermusclestensedinanimpulseofight,but
shedecidednot.Sheputdownhermouthandlicked
atthewater.Butshedidnotlikeit.Itwasnotlike
thewatershedrinksfrommyglassbesidethebed,
atnight;norlikethedropsthatfallfromatapwhich
she puts her mouth sideways to catch. She put a
pawrightintothewater,helditthere,broughtit
out,lickedthepaw. Water,rightenough.Some-
thingsheknew,oravarietyofit.
Greycatcrouchedonthestone,faceheldover
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dorislessing
thepool,andlookedatherreection.Nothingodd
aboutthis:sheisfamiliarwithmirrors.Butripples
washed back and forth and her reection disinte-
grated.Sheputapawtoherpictureinthewater,
but,unlikeamirror,herpawwentthroughit,into
wet.Shesatup,obviouslyannoyed.Alltoomuch
for her, she stalked daintily back to the house,
throughthewetgrass.There,havingtoldblackcat
withhereyeshowmuchshehatedher,shesatin
frontofthere,backtoblackcat,whowatched
her,onguard,fromthechair.
Greycatreturnedtothepool,tothestone.Sit-
tingonthestone,sheobservedthatthetreewasa
favouriteplaceforbirds,who,themomentsheleft
the glade, swooped to the water, drank from it,
playedinit,ewacrossit,backandforth.Greycat
nowvisitedthepoolforthesakeofthebirds.But
shenevercaughtabirdthere.Shedidnot,Ithink,
catchanybirdsatthecottage.Perhapsbecausethere
aresomanycatsaroundthereandthebirdsknow
them?
Drivingaroundthelanesatnight,theheadlights
134
particularlycats
arealwayspickingupcats;catsinthehedgerows
hunting mice, cats trotting along just out of the
wheelsreach;catsongates;catsonwalls.
During the rst week at the cottage, which is
apparentlyaretreat,welltuckedawaybehindtrees
and walls from the road and from other houses,
severalcatscametoseewhothenewpeoplewere,
andwhatnewcatsmighthavearrived.
In the middle of a night, I saw a reddish tail
disappearingoutoftheopenwindow.Ithought,a
cat;andwentbacktosleep.Nextdayintheshop
however,theysaidfoxescameaftercatsoffDart-
moor. All kinds of nasty stories about foxes and
cats.Butyoucantlockcatsupinthecountry;a
landscapesofullofcatsdoesnotseemmuchevi-
denceofdangerfromfoxes,orfromanythingelse.
Theredtailturnedouttobelongtoahandsome
reddish-browncat,whichwaschasedawayfromthe
cottage by grey cat, who by now had made the
cottageherown.Soonshewaschasingawayvisitors
fromthegate,whichisahundredyardsfromthe
house.Thecottageandtheeldsarounditwasnow
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dorislessing
greycatsterritory;andwemightcomeacrossher
sunningherselfinthelonggrassesofthelittleeld
abovethehouse,orcrouchedinthelongeldbelow
it,wherethereareboggypatchesandthebirdscome
todrink.
Theninvasion. Thefencesonone sidewere
down,andonemorningIwenttostartthere,and
foundbothcatsonthewindowsill,temporarilyin
alliancebecauseoutsidethewindowlumberedand
crashed and bellowed great smelling beasts which
theyhadneverseenbefore.Blackcatletouther
sadhollowplaint:Everythingistoomuch,whatis
this?Icantmanage,pleasehelp.Andgreycatwas
shriekingdeancefromthesafetyofthesill.The
cattlefromneareldshadbrokenthroughthefences
andwerepouringdownpastthehousetothepool
andtothelongeldwhich,asitwasobviousthey
knew,wasripeforgrazing.Therewasnooneto
helpmechasethecattleout,nottillmuchlaterthat
day; and the farmer did not appear. About fty
beastsmadethemselvesathome,andthecatswere
distraught.Theyranfromwindowsilltowindowsill,
136
particularlycats
andthenoutofthefrontdoor,inshortangryrushes,
andtheycomplainedbitterly,untilhelpappearedand
theenormousthreateningbeastswereshooedback
to their own elds. Safety. The cats had learned
therewasnodangerfromthissortofanimal.For
when,acoupleofdayslater,thegatewasleftopen
andponiescameinoffthemoor,thecatsdidnot
complain, they were not frightened. Eight little
poniesgrazedintheoldgarden;andgreycatpicked
her way out to them, sat on the stone wall and
watchedthem.Shewouldnotcomedownoffthe
wall;butshewasinterested,andstayeduntilthey
decidedtoleave.
Cats will watch creatures, activities, actions
unfamiliartothem,forhours.Themakingofabed,
thesweepingofaoor,packingorunpackingacase,
sewing, knitting anything, they will watch. But
whataretheyseeing?Acoupleofweeksago,black
catandacoupleofkittenssatinthemiddleofthe
oorandwatchedmecutcloth.Theyobservedthe
movingscissors,thewaymyhandsmoved,theway
the cloth was put in different heaps. They were
137
dorislessing
there,absorbed,allmorning.ButIdontsuppose
theywereseeingwhatwethink.What,forinstance,
doesgreycatseewhenshewatches,forhalfanhour
at a time, the way motes move in a column of
sunlight?Orwhenshelooksattheleavesmoving
inthetreeoutsidethewindow?Orwhenshelifts
hereyestothemoonoverthechimneypots?
Blackpuss,meticulouseducatorofherkittens,
neverlosesanopportunityforalessonoramoral.
Whyshouldshespendamorning,akittenoneither
side,watchingtheashofmetalindarkcloth,why
does she sniff the scissors, sniff the cloth, walk
aroundtheeldofoperationsandthencommunicate
someobservationtothekittens,sothattheyperform
thesameactionsinterspersed,sincetheyarekit-
tens,withallkindsoftricksandgames?Buttheysniff
thescissors,sniffthecloth,dowhattheirmother
hasjustdone.Thensitandwatch.Sheislearning
something and teaching them, there is no doubt
ofit.
138
chaptereight
Black cat was not well before her second litter.
Therewasalargebaldpatchonherback,andshe
wasthin.Andshewasoveranxious:fortheweek
beforeshedidnotlikebeingleftalone.Thecottage
wasfullofpeople,anditwaseasytoseeshehad
company.Then,attheweekend,therewerethree
women,andtheweatherwasbad,andwewanted
todrivetothecoastandwatchacoldandstormy
sea.Butblackcatwouldnotletusgo.Wewere
allirritable:intensionbecausewewerenotgoing
to let her keep more than two kittens, since she
wasinnostatetofeedthem.Thatmeantwewould
havetokillsome.
OntheSundayshestartedlabourabouttenin
themorning.Itwasaslowexhaustingbusiness.The
139
dorislessing
rstkittenwas bornaboutfourin theafternoon.
Shewastired.Therewasalongintervalbetween
theexpulsionofthekittenandthereexwhenshe
turnedtolickit.Itwasanekitten.Butwehad
agreednottolooktoomuchatthekittens,notto
admire these vigorous scraps of life. At last, the
second kitten. Now she was very tired, and gave
her mournful Please-help-me cry. Right, we said,
thatsit:shecankeepthesetwoandwellgetrid
oftherest.WegotoutabottleofScotchanddrank
alotofit.Thenthethirdkitten:surely,surely,that
wasenough?Thefourth,thefth,thesixth.Poor
blackcat,workinghard,expellingkittens,thenlick-
ing,andcleaningandtidyingupinthedepthsof
thearmchair,suchactivity.Atlast,shewasclean,
andthekittenscleanandnursing.Shelaystretched
out,purringandmagnicent.
Bravecat,clevercat,beautifulcat...butitwas
nouse,wehadtogetridoffourkittens.
Sowedid.Itwashorrible.Thentwoofuswent
outintothelongeldinthedarkwithtorchesand
wedugaholewhiletherainfellsteadily,andwe
140
particularlycats
buried the four dead kittens and we swore and
cursedatnature,ateachother,andatlife;andthen
wewentbacktothelongquietfarmroomwhere
thereburned,andtherewasblackcatonaclean
blanket, a pretty, proud cat with two kittens
civilization had triumphed again. And we looked
incredulouslyatthekittens,alreadysostrongand
standingupsidebysideontheirbackpaws,their
minutepinkfrontpaws,kneadingattheirmothers
side.Impossibletoimaginethemdead,buttheyhad
beenchosenbychanceandatrandom;andifmy
handhadpickedthemupanhourago,descending
fromabove,thehandoffatethenthesetwowould
nowbelyingunderheavywetsoilinarainyeld.
Itwasaterriblenight;andwedranktoomuch;and
decideddenitelythatwewouldhaveblackcatoper-
atedon,becausereally,really,itwasnotworthit.
Andgreycatclimbedonthearmofthechair,
crouching there, and put down a paw to touch a
kitten;andblackcatlashedoutwithherpaw;and
greycatskulkedoffoutofthehouseintotherain.
Nextdayweallfeltmuchbetter;anddroveoff
141
dorislessing
to visit the sea, which was blue and calm, the
weatherhavingchangedduringthenight.
Blackcatsproudpurringcouldbeheardallover
thebigroom.
Andgreycatbroughtinseveralmice,whichshe
laidoutonthestoneoor.Ihadrealizedbythen
that the mice were part of the one-upmanship, a
gift;butitwasnouse:deadmicearehardtosee
attractively.Asshebroughtthemin,Ithrewthem
out;andshelookedatmewithearslaidback,eyes
blazingresentment.
Each morning when I woke up, grey cat was
sittingonthebottomofmybed,andontheoor
anewlykilledmouse.
Oh kind cat. Clever cat. Thank you so much,
cat.ButIthrewthemout.Andblackcatwentafter
themandatethem.
Iwassittingonthestonewallofthegardenwhen
Isawgreycathunting.
Itwasadayofthinfast-movingcloud,sothat
across elds, cottage, trees, and the garden ed
sunlightanddark;andgreycatwasashadowamong
142
particularlycats
theshadowsunderalilactree.Shewasverystill;
butlookingclosely,youcouldseefaintmovement
inherwhiskersandears;soshewasnostillerthan
wasnaturalwhenleavesandgrassshiveredinalight
wind.Shewaslooking,eyesshifting,atstubblea
fewfeetoff.AsIwatched,shemovedforwardina
lowfastcrouch,asashadowmovesunderaswaying
branch.Therewerethreelittlemicecreepingabout
inalitterofdryinggrass.Theyhadnotseenher.
Theystoppedtonibble,movedon,satupagainto
lookabout.Why,then,didnotcatpounceatonce?
Shewas notfourfeet fromthem. Istayedthere;
catstayedthere;themicewentonwiththeirlives.
Half an hour passed. The tip of cats tail moved:
not impatiently; but the visible expression of her
thought:Theresplentyoftime.Adazzlingcloud
with the midday sun behind it shed a couple of
dozenfatdrops,eachonegold.Adropfelloncats
face.Shelookedannoyed,butdidnotmove.The
goldendropssplashedamongthemice.Theyfroze,
thensatup,andlooked.Icouldseethetinyblack
eyeslooking.Acoupleofdropsfelloncatshead.
143
dorislessing
Sheshookit.Themicefroze,andcatpounced,a
grey streak. A small miserable squeaking. Cat sat
upwithamouseinhermouth.Itwaswriggling.
Catdroppedthemouse;itcreptalittleway;she
wasafterit.Outdartedapaw;withallherwicked
claws extended, she made a scooping movement
inwards, bringing the mouse towards her. It
squeaked.Shebit.Thesqueakingstopped.Shesat
lickingherself,delicately.Thenshepickedupthe
mouseandtrottedacrosstome,throwingitupin
hermouthandcatchingitexactlyasshehaddone
withherkittens.Shelaiditatmyfeet.Shehadseen
methereallthetime:hadgivennosignofit.
Peoplewentawayfromthecottage,andIwas
alone.Therewasmoretimeforpettingandtalking
tothecats.
One day in the kitchen I was cutting up their
foodinthesaucersonthetablewhengreycatleaped
upandbeganeatingfromoneofthem.Blackcat
waitedontheoor.ButwhenIputdownthetwo
saucers,greycatwalkedaway:shewasnotgoing
toeatofftheoor.
144
particularlycats
Nextday,thesame.Greycatwastryingtomake
mefeedheronthetable,asuperiorplace,while
blackcatstayedontheoortoeat.Isaidtoher,
No;itwasabsurd;andforthreedayssheatenothing
fromthehouse;thoughperhapssheatemice.Cer-
tainly not when she could be seen, however. On
thefourthdaysheleapedupasusualtothetable,
andIthought:Wellthen,itsinteresting,letssee.
Shewaspleasedtoeatalltherewasinthesaucer;
and all the time she was glancing down at black
catwhowaseatingontheoor:Lookatme,Im
favoured.
Inafewdays,blackcatleapedonthetable,trying
togetthesameprivilege.Atwhichgreycat,ears
back,gotontothewindowsillabovethetable,and
waitedformetoputthesaucerupthereforher.
If black cat had achieved the status of the table,
she decided, then she was going to demand one
better.
AtwhichIlostmytemper,andtoldthepairof
themtheywereanuisance,andtheywouldeaton
theoorornotatall.
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dorislessing
Greycatthenwentoffoutofthehouseandate
anddranknothingforsomedays.Shewasoutof
thehouseallday;thendayandallnightshewas
awaytwo,threedaysatatime.Itisatthispoint,
on the farm in Africa, that we would have said:
Greycatisgoingwild.Andwewouldhavetaken
steps, fussed over her, locked her up, reminded
herofherdomesticnature.Butprobably,inhighly
populatedEngland,goingwildisnotsoeasy.Even
onDartmoortheremustalwaysbethelightsofa
housegleamingsomewherenottoofaroff.
Nexttimeshecameback,Igavein;andfedher
onthetable,andpraisedher;andsnubbedblackcat
justalittleafterall,shedidhaveherkittens.And
greycatcamebackintothehouse,andsettledat
nightsonthefootofmybed.Andwhenshebrought
inmice,Imadeashortatteringspeechovereach
one.
Blackcatatethedeadmice.Greycatneverdid.
Itwasinterestingthatblackcatdidnotstarteating
amouseuntilIhadseenit.Onceacorpsehadbeen
accepted by me, and grey cat praised, then black
146
particularlycats
catgotdownoffthechair,andateit,tidily,methodi-
cally,whilegreycatwatched,andmadenoattempt
tostopher.Thoughshedidtryputtingthemona
table,awindowsill,whereitseemedshehopedblack
catwouldnotseethem.Blackcatalwaysdid:always
climbedupandatethemouse.
Then, one morning, something extraordinary
happened.
IhadgoneshoppinginOkehampton.Icameback
andsaw,inthemiddleoftheoor,alittlecairnor
moundofgreenery.Greycatsatnearit,watching
me.Blackcatwaswaitingwithherkittensinthe
armchair.Theybothwantedmetopayattentionto
thegreenmound.
I went to look. Under the green stuff, a dead
mouse.Greycathadcaughtthemouse,andhadput
itontheoorasapresent.ButIhadbeenlonger
comingbackthansheexpected;andsoshehadhad
timefordecorationorperhapsitwasawarning
toblackcat:leavethemousealone.
Shemusthavemadethreejourneystothehedge,
whichwasfreshlysickled,tocarryinthreesprays
147
dorislessing
of wild geranium, which she had placed carefully
overthemouse.
AsIcomplimentedher,shenevertookhereyes
offblackcatanasty,superior,triumphantlook.
Ive been told since that lions sometimes drag
branchesoverafreshkill.Tomarkit?Toprotect
it from jackals and hyenas? To shade it from the
sun?
Hadgreycatremembered,throughthousandsof
years,herkinshipwiththelion?
But I do wonder: suppose black cat had never
come to live in our house, suppose grey cat had
remainedsoleownerofus,andtheplaceswelived
in,wouldshe,asshesettledintomiddleage,have
bothered to charm and cajole? Would she have
developedthiscomplicatedlanguageofself-esteem
andvanity?Wouldshehaveevercaughtabirdor
amouse?Ithinkverylikelynot.
148
chapternine
TimetoreturntoLondon.Greycatwasloosein
thebackofthecar,andagainmonotonouslycom-
plained,allsixhoursofthejourney.Ashortsilence
asshedozedoff.Then,aparticularlyloudmiaow
whenshewokeandrealizedshewasstillsuffering.
Andthephenomenonsonoticeableontheway
down:itwasnotenoughtoexperiencenoise,move-
ment,discomfort;shewantedtoseetheterrifying
loomings-up,thefallings-away,ofothervehicles.I
sweartherewasasatisfactioninhermiaowthen.
Like a neurotic person, she was getting pleasure
fromit.
Black cat sat quiet in the basket with her two
kittens,fedthem,purredwhenIputangerthrough
tostrokehernose;anddidnotcomplainunlessgrey
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dorislessing
catsvoiceroseparticularlyhigh,whenshejoined
inforafewmoments,matchingmiaowformiaow.
Itsoundedasifshewerethinking:ifsheisdoingit,
thenIsupposeitstherightthingtodo. Butshe
couldntkeepitup.
Ireleasedthetwoanimalsinsidethehouse,and
atoncetheywereathome.Blackcattookhertwo
kittens to the bathroom, where she likes to have
theminthefortnighttheyaretherightagetobe
taught. Grey cat at once went upstairs, and took
possessionofthebed.
Autumn. The back doors shut because of the
heating;dirtboxesbroughtintotheverandah;cats
letoutwhentheyasktobe.Notveryoften:they
seemhappyenoughwithanindoorsexistencewhile
itiscold.
Blackcatwentrampageouslyonheat.Shecame
on heat the usual ten days after the birth of the
kittens, in Devon. It was while the grey cat was
awayhunting.Blackcatleftthekittensinthechair
infrontofthere,andwentouttolookforamale
cat.Butforsomereasontherewerenonearound:
150
particularlycats
probably grey cat had chased them away too
thoroughly.Butnonecamerunningtoblackcat,as
they come running across gardens and walls in
Londonwhenshecallstothem.Shewouldhaveto
gofurtheraeld.Shetookthekittensupstairswhere
shefelttheywouldbesafe,andwentuptothegate
whereshesatcallingandyowling.Sherushedback
brieytothekittens,sinceforblackcatnoteven
sex can take precedence over motherhood; fed
them, went off again. She ate hardly at all, and
yowledandyearnedherwayintoagauntandbony
condition. When I woke in the night I heard her
callingupnearthegate.Butshedidnotndamate;
andshehadgotfatandsleekagain.
InthecoupleofmonthssinceweleftLondon,the
catpopulationhadchanged.Therewasnotoneof
the original cats left. Grey tabby had gone; and
thelong-hairedblack-and-whitecathadgone.The
comparative newcomer, the white cat with grey
patches, remained. No other cats around for that
mating;sothepatchedwhitecatbecamethefather,
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dorislessing
andwewereinterestedtoseewhatdicethegenes
wouldthrowthistime.
Theautumnwascoldandwet.WhenIwentout
totheback,greycat,blackcatcametoo,andwalked
fussilyoverwetleaves,andchasedeachotherback
to thehouse. Asort of friendshipwas beginning.
Theyhaveneveryetlickedeachother,orsleptclose.
Buttheywerebeginningtoplayalittle;thoughmore
oftenthannottheonewhostartedplaywouldbe
snubbedinahiss.Theyalwaysmeetwithcaution,
sniffeachothersnosesisthatyou,friendorfoe?
Itislikethehandshakeofenemies.
Blackcatgrewheavy,andsleptagreatdeal.Grey
cat was boss cat again, did her tricks, displayed
herself.
Blackcatagainhadherkittensinthetoproom,
andweletherkeepallsixofthem.Wewerestill
toosoreafterthemurderofthelastlottogothrough
itagain.
Whentheyweremobile,blackcatdecidedthere
wasonlyonethingshewanted,onlyonething,and
shewasgoingtohaveit:thekittensmustbeunder
152
particularlycats
mybed.Thiswasbecausetheroomupstairswas,
muchtoherannoyance,notoccupiedallthetime,
so she could have company and admiration. The
studyinggirlwashavingagayandsocialChristmas.
Blackcatisasticker.Shebroughtthekittensdown.
Itookthemdownstairstothebathroom,inskirtfuls.
Black cat brought them back. Itook them down.
Shebroughtthemback.Finallybruteforcewon:I
simplylockedthedoor.
This is the time when, kittens at their most
enchanting, one longs for them to leave. Kittens
underfoot everywhere, kittens on tables, chairs,
windowsills,kittenstearingthefurnituretopieces.
Everywhere you look, a black charmer because
theywereallblack,sixblackkittens,andthewhitey-
grey father had had no effect on their looks at
all.
And among them, black cat, indefatigable,
devoted,dutiful,watchingthemeverymoment.She
was drinking pints and pints of milk more than
shewanted,becauseeverytimeakittenwasnear,
shehadtoteachithowtodrink.Sheateeverytime
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dorislessing
a kitten was near a saucer. Ive seen black cat,
obviouslydisinclinedforevenonemoremouthful
offood,stopasakittenwentoutofaroom,lick
herself,preparetorest.Thatkittenoranothercame
in.Blackcatbentoverthesaucer,andate,withthe
lowtrillingsoundsheusesforcoaxingherkittens.
Kittencame,satcuriouslybythemother,watching
hereat.Catateon,slower,forcingherselftoeat.
Kittensniffedatthefood,decidedwarmmilkwas
best,wenttoblackcatsnipples.Blackcatmadea
lowcommandingsound.Kitten,obedient,wentto
thesaucerandmadeasmalllickortwo;then,having
doneasordered,racedbacktoblackcatwhoopped
overonhersidetonurse.
Orblackcatatthedirtbox.Shehasbeenoutin
thegarden;hasjustemptiedherself.Butakittenis
duealesson.Blackcatgetsontothedirtboxin
the appropriate position. She calls to the kittens:
look at me. She sits on, while the kittens stroll
around,watchingornotwatching.Whensheknows
onehasunderstood,shegetsofftheboxandsitsby
it,encouragingthekittenwithpurrsandcallstodo
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particularlycats
as it has been shown. Minute black kitten copies
mamma. Success! Kitten looks surprised. Mamma
lickskitten.
Blackcatskittensnevergothroughaperiodof
messing. Indeed, likeobsessively trained children,
they are overanxious about the whole business.
Caughtplayingsomewayfromthedirtbox,akitten
will send out a wild mew; will go through the
motionsofgettingintotherightpositionbutagain
adesperatemew;itisnotintherightplace.Black
cat comes running to the rescue; black cat urges
kittenintotheroomwherethedirtboxis.Kitten
runstoit,leakingalittleperhaps,mewing.Onthe
dirtbox,whatrelief,whilemothersitsby,approv-
ing.OhwhatagoodcleankittenIam,sayskittens
poseandface.Kittengetsoffthebox,andislicked
inapproval,therandomcarelesscondentlickthat
islikeakiss.
Thiskittenisallright;butwhatabouttheothers?
Offgoesblackcat,busy,busy,tocheckonfaces,
tails, fur. And where are they? At the age just
beforetheyleave,theyarealloverthehouse.Black
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dorislessing
cat,frantic,rushesabout,upanddownstairsand
inandoutofrooms;whereareyou,whereareyou?
Thekittenscurlthemselvesupinbunches,behind
boxes, in cupboards. They dont come out when
shecallstothem.Sosheopsdownnearthem,and
liesonguard,eyeshalf-closedforpossibleenemies
orintruders.
Shewearsherselfout.Thekittensleave,oneafter
another.Shedoesnotseemtonoticeuntilthereare
two left. She watches over them, anxious. Then
thereisonekitten.Blackcatdevotesallthatfer-
ociousmaternitytoonekitten.Thelastonegoes.
Andblackcatrushesalloverthehouse,lookingfor
it,miaowing.Then,aswitchisturnedsomewhere
blackcathasforgottenwhatisupsettingher.She
climbsupthestairsandgoestosleeponthesofa,
herplace.Shemightneverhavehadkittens.
Untilthenextlot.Kittens,kittens,showersof
kittens,visitationsofkittens.Somany,youseethem
as Kitten, like leaves growing on a bare branch,
staying heavy and green, then falling, exactly the
sameeveryyear.Peoplecomingtovisitsay:What
156
particularlycats
happenedtothatlovelykitten?Whatlovelykitten?
Theyarealllovelykittens.
Kitten.Atinylivelycreatureinitstransparent
membrane, surrounded by the muck of its birth.
Tenminuteslater,dampbutclean,alreadyatthe
nipple.Tendayslater,aminutescrapwithsofthazy
eyes,itsmouthopeninginahissofbravedeance
attheenormousmenacesensedbendingoverit.At
thispoint;inthewild,itwouldconrmwildness,
becomewildcat.Butno,ahumanhandtouchesit,
thehumansmellenvelopsit,ahumanvoicereassures
it.Soonitgetsoutofitsnest,condentthatthe
giganticcreaturesallaroundwilldoitnoharm.It
totters,thenstrolls,thenrunsalloverthehouse.
Itsquatsinitsearthbox,licksitself,sipsmilk,then
tacklesarabbitbone,defendsitagainsttherestof
thelitter.Enchantingkitten,prettykitten,beautiful
furrybabyishdeliciouslittlebeastthenoffitgoes.
Anditspersonalitywillbeformedbythenewhouse-
hold,thenewowner,forwhileitiswithitsmother,
itisjustkittenthough,sinceitisthechildofblack
cat,averywell-brought-upkittenindeed.
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dorislessing
Perhaps,likegreycat,thepooroldspinstercat,
blackcatwhenweeventuallyhaveherdoctored
willlookatkittensasifshedoesnotknowwhat
they are.Perhaps hermemory wontgive upthe
knowledge of kittens, though while she has them
herdays,hernights,hereveryinstinctisforthem,
andshewoulddieanydeathforthem,ifitwere
necessary.
Therewasashe-cat,allthoseyearsago.Idont
remember why it went wild. Some awful battle
musthavebeenfought,beneaththeattentionofthe
humans.Perhapssomesnubwasadministered,too
muchforcatpridetobear.Thisoldcatwentaway
fromthehouseformonths.Shewasnotapretty
beast,anoldragbagpatchedandstreakedinblack
and white and grey and fox-colour. One day she
camebackandsatattheedgeoftheclearingwhere
thehousewas,lookingatthehouse,thepeople,the
door,theothercats,thechickensthefamilyscene
fromwhichshewasexcluded.Thenshecreptback
intothebush.Nextevening,asilentgoldenevening,
there was the old cat. The chickens were being
158
particularlycats
shooedintotherunsforthenight.Wesaid,perhaps
sheisafterthechickens,andshoutedather.She
attenedherselfintothegrassanddisappeared.Next
evening,thereshewasagain.Mymotherwentdown
totheedgeofthebushandcalledtoher.Butshe
was wary, would not come close. She was very
pregnant:alargegauntbeast,skinoverprominent
bones,draggingtheheavylumpofherbelly.She
washungry.Itwasadryyear.Thelongdryseason
had attened and thinned the grass, cauterized
bushes:everythinginsightwasskeleton,drysticks
of grass; and the tiny leaves uttering on them,
merelyshadows.Thebushesweretwig;trees,their
load of leaf thinned and dry, showed the plan of
theirtrunkandbranches.Theveldwasallbones.
Andthehillourhousewason,inthewetseason
so tall and lush and soft and thick, was stark. Its
shape,alowswellingtoahighridge,thenanabrupt
fallintoavalley,showedbeneathastifffringeof
stickandbranch.Thebirds,therodents,hadperhaps
movedawaytolusherspots.Andthecatwasnot
wild enough to move after them, away from the
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dorislessing
placeshestillthoughtofashome.Perhapsshewas
toowornbyhungerandherloadofkittenstotravel.
Wetookdownmilk,andshedrankit,butcare-
fully, her muscles tensed all the time for ight.
Othercatsfromthehousecamedowntostareat
theoutlaw.Whenshehaddrunkthemilk,sheran
away back to the place she was using to hide in.
Everyeveningshecametothehomesteadtobefed.
Oneofuskepttheotherresentfulcatsaway;another
broughtmilkandfood.Wekeptguardtillshehad
eaten. But she was nervous: she snatched every
mouthfulasifshewerestealingit;shekeptleaving
theplate,thesaucer,thencomingback.Sheranoff
beforethefoodwasnished;andshewouldnotlet
herselfbestroked,wouldnotcomeclose.
Oneeveningwefollowedher,atadistance.She
disappearedhalfwaydownthehill.Itwaslandthat
hadatsomepointbeentrenchedandminedforgold
byaprospector.Someofthetrencheshadfallenin
heavyrainshadwashedinsoil.Theshaftswere
deserted,perhapshadacoupleoffeetofrainwater
inthem.Oldbrancheshadbeendraggedacrossto
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particularlycats
stopcattlefallingin.Inoneoftheseholes,theold
catmustbehiding.Wecalledher,butshedidnot
come,sowelefther.
Therainyseasonbrokeinagreatdramaticstorm,
all winds and lightning and thunder and pouring
rain.Sometimestherststormcanbeallthereis
fordays,evenweeks.Butthatyearwehadacouple
ofweeksofcontinuousstorms.Thenewgrasssprang
up.Thebushes,trees,putongreenesh.Everything
washotandwetandteeming.Theoldcatcameup
tothehouseonceortwice;thendidnotcome.We
saidshewascatchingmiceagain.Then,onenight
of heavy storm, the dogs were barking, and we
heardacatcryingjustoutsidethehouse.Wewent
out,holdingupstormlanternsintoasceneofwhip-
ping boughs, furiously shaking grass, rain driving
pastingreycurtains.Undertheverandahwerethe
dogs, and they were barking at the old cat, who
crouched out in the rain, her eyes green in the
lantern-light.Shehadhadherkittens.Shewasjust
anoldskeletonofacat.Webroughtoutmilkfor
her, and chased away the dogs, but that was not
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dorislessing
what she wanted. She sat with the rain whipping
overher,crying.Shewantedhelp.Weputraincoats
on over our night-clothes and sloshed after her
through a black storm, with the thunder rolling
overhead,lightning illuminatingsheetsof rain.At
theedgeofthebushwestoppedandpeeredin
infrontofuswastheareawheretheoldtrenches
were,theoldshafts.Itwasdangeroustogoplunging
aboutintheundergrowth.Butthecatwasinfront
ofus,crying,commanding.Wewentcarefullywith
stormlanterns,throughwaisthighgrassandbushes,
inthethickpeltofrain.Thenthecatwasnotto
beseen,shewascryingfromsomewherebeneath
our feet. Just in front of us was a pile of old
branches. That meant we were on the edge of a
shaft.Catwassomewheredownit.Well,wewere
notgoingtopullasmallmountainofslipperydead
branchesoffacrumblingshaftinthemiddleofthe
night.Weashedthelightthroughintersticesofthe
branches,andwethoughtwesawthecatmoving,
butwerenotsure.Sowewentbacktothehouse,
leavingthepoorbeasts,anddrankcocoainawarm
162
particularlycats
lamplitroom,andshiveredourselvesdryandwarm.
Butwesleptbadly,thinkingofthepoorcat,and
got upat vewith therst light.The stormhad
goneover,buteverythingwasdripping.Wewent
outintoacooldawnlight,andredstreaksshowed
intheeastwherethesunwouldcomeup.Down
wewentintothesoakedbush,tothepileofold
branches.Notasignofthecat.
Thiswasashaftabouteightyfeetdeep,andit
hadbeencross-cuttwice,atabouttenfeet,andthen
againmuchdeeper.Wedecidedthecatmusthave
putherkittensintotherstcut,whichranforabout
twentyfeet,downwardsataslant.Itwashardto
lift off those heavy wet branches: it took a long
time.Whenthemouthoftheshaftwasexposed,it
was not the clean square shape it had been. The
earthhadcrumbledin,andsomelightbranchesand
twigsfromthecoveringheaphadsunk,makinga
roughplatformaboutfteenfeetdown.Ontothis
hadbeenwashedandblownearthandsmallstones.
Soitwaslikeathinoorbutverythin:through
itwecouldseethegleamofrainwaterfromthe
163
dorislessing
bottomoftheshaft.Ashortwaydown,notvery
far now that the mouth of the shaft had sunk, at
about six feet, we could see the opening of the
cross-cut,aholeaboutfourfeetsquare,nowthat
it,too,hadcrumbled.Lyingfacedownontheslip-
peryredmud,holdingontobushesforsafety,you
could see a good way into the cut a couple of
yards.Andtherewasthecatshead,justvisible.It
was quite still, sticking out of the red earth. We
thoughtthecuthadfalleninwithallthatrain,and
shewashalfburied,andprobablydead.Wecalled
her:therewasafaintroughsound,thenanother.
Soshewasntdead.Ourproblemthenwas,how
togettoher.Uselesstoxawindlassontothat
soaked earth which might landslide in at any
moment. And no human could put weight on to
thatprecariousplatformoftwigsandearth:hardto
believeithadbeenabletotaketheweightofthe
cat,whomusthavebeenjumpingdowntoitseveral
timesaday.
Wetiedathickropetoatree,withbigknotsin
itatthree-footintervals,andletitdownoverthe
164
particularlycats
edge, trying not to get it muddied and slippery.
Then one of us went down on the rope with a
basket,untilitwaspossibletoreachintothecut.
Therewasthecat,crouchedagainstthesoakedred
soilshewasstiffwithcoldandwet.Andbeside
herwerehalfadozenkittens,aboutaweekoldand
stillblind.Hertroublewasthatthestormsofthat
fortnighthadblownsomuchrainintothecutthat
thesidesandroofhadpartlyfallenin;andthelair
shehadfound,whichhadseemedsosafeanddry,
hadbecomeawetcrumblingdeathtrap.Shehad
comeuptothehousesothatwecouldrescuethe
kittens.Shehadbeenfrightenedtocomenearthe
housebecauseofthehostilityoftheothercatsand
thedogs,perhapsbecauseshenowfearedus,but
shehadovercomeherfeartogethelpforthekittens.
Butshehadnotbeengivenhelp.Shemusthavelost
allhopethatnight,astherainlasheddown,asearth
slidinallaroundher,asthewatercreptupbehind
herinthedarkcollapsingtunnel.Butshehadfed
thekittens, andtheywere alive.They hissedand
spatastheywereliftedintothebasket.Thecatwas
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dorislessing
too stiff and cold to get out by herself. First the
angrykittensweretakenup,whileshecrouchedin
thewetearthwaiting.Thebasketdescendedagain,
andshewasliftedintoit.Thefamilyweretaken
up to the house, where she was given a corner,
food, protection. The kittens grew up and found
homes;andshestayedahousecatandpresumably
wentonhavingkittens.
166
chapterten
Spring.Thedoorsopen.Theearthsmellsnew.Grey
cat and black cat chase and scamper all over the
garden,andupontothewalls.Theylollinweak
sunlightbutwellawayfromeachother.Theyget
upfromrolling,andmeet,cautiously,inasniffnose
tonose,thisside,thenthat.Blackcatgoesindoors
tothedutiesofmaternity;greycatisoff,hunting.
Grey cat has brought back new habits from
Devon.Herhuntingisswifter,deadlier,moresen-
sitive. Shewill lie atalong a wall,watching the
tree for hours, not moving at all. Then, when
thebirdiesdown,shepounces.Or,surprisingly,
she doesnt pounce. There is the at roof of the
theatre which overlooks the neighbours patch of
garden,wherebirdsliketocome.Greycatlieson
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dorislessing
theroof,notcrouched,butstretchedout,chinon
herpaw,hertailstill.Andsheisnotasleep.Her
eyes are intent on the starlings, the thrushes, the
sparrows.Shewatches.Thenshegetsup;herback
arches,slowly;shestretchesherbacklegs,herfront
legs. The birds freeze, seeing her there. But she
yawns,thenignoresthem,anddelicatelypicksher
wayalongthewallandintothehouse.Orshesits
onthebottomofmybedandwatchesthemthrough
thewindow.Perhapshertailtwitchesslightlybut
thatisall.Shecanbetherehalfanhour,anindiffer-
entobserver:orsoitseems.Then,inamoment,
something will spring the hunters instinct. She
sniffs,herwhiskersmove:thenshesoffthebed,
anddownthestairsandintothegarden.Thereshe
creeps, deadly beast, under the wall. She quietly
leapsupthewallbutnotonit,no:greycat,like
acatinacartoon,hooksherfrontpawsontothe
wall,putsherchinonthewall,supportsherweight
onherbacklegs,surveysthestateofaffairsinthe
nextgarden.Sheisveryfunny.Youhavetolaugh.
Butwhy?Foroncegreycatisnotposing,isuncon-
168
particularlycats
sciousofherself,isnotarrangingherselfforadmir-
ation and comment. Perhaps it is the contrast
betweenherabsoluteintensity,herconcentration,
andtheuselessnessofwhatsheisgoingtodo:kill
asmallcreaturewhichshedoesntevenwanttoeat.
Whileyouarestilllaughing,shesupandover
thewall,hascaughtabird,andisbackonthewall
withit.Sheisrunningbackintothehousewiththe
bird but no, inexplicable human beings have
rushed downstairs to shut the back door. So she
playswiththebirdinthegardenuntilshetiresof
thegame.
Onceabirdswoopeddownpastaroof,sawthe
jutofawalltoolate,crashedintoit,andlaystunned,
ordead,ontheearth.Iwasinthegardenwithgrey
cat.Wewenttogethertothebird.Greycatwas
notveryinterestedadeadbird,sheseemedto
think.Irememberhowblackcatrevivedwithhands
warmth,andheldthebirdenclosedinmyhand.I
satontheedgeofaowerbed;greycatsatnear,
watching. I held the bird between us. It stirred,
trembled;itsheadlifted,itseyesunlmed.Iwas
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dorislessing
watchingcat.Shedidnotrespond.Thebirdputits
coldclawsdownagainstmypalm,andpushed,like
ababytryingoutitsstrengthwithitsfeet.Iletthe
bird sit on one palm, covered with the other. It
seemed full of life. All this time grey cat merely
watched.ThenIliftedthebirdonmypalm,where
itsatforamoment.Stillcatdidnotrespond.Then
thebirdlifteditswingsandspedoffintotheair.
At that last moment cats hunting instincts were
touched,hermusclesobeyed,shegatheredherself
foraspring.Butbythenthebirdwasoffandgone,
sosherelaxedandlickedherself.Hermovements
duringthisincidenthadthesamequalityasthose
madebeforeshehadherrstlitterwhenshewas
promptedbrieyandinconclusivelytomakealair
forthekittens.Certainactionsweremade;partof
herwasinvolved;butshedidnotreallyknowabout
it;shewasnotsetinactionasawholecreature.
Perhaps it is some denite movement a bird
makes,aparticularsignal,thatattractsthehunter
inacat,anduntilthatmovementoccurs,acatis
notinvolvedwiththebird,hasnorelationtoit.Or
170
particularlycats
perhapsitisasound.Iamsurethefrenziedchitter-
ing of a caught bird, the squeaking of a mouse,
arousesacatsdesiretotortureandtorment.After
all,eveninahuman,thefrightenedsoundarouses
strong emotions: panic, anger, disapproval the
springsofmoralityaretouched.Youwanttorescue
thecreature,beatthecat,orshutthewholebeastly
businessoutwhereyoucantseeorhearit,dont
havetoknowaboutit.Atinyturnofthescrew,
and youd be sinking your jaws in, ripping claws
throughsoftesh.
Butwhatscrew?Thatsthepoint.
Perhapsforacatitisntsound,butsomething
else.
That great South African naturalist, Eugene
Marais, describes in his remarkable and beautiful
book,TheSouloftheWhiteAnt,howhetriedtond
outhowacertainkindofbeetlecommunicates.It
wasatoktokkiebeetle.Itisnotequippedwithaudi-
toryorgans;yeteveryonebroughtupontheveld
knows its system of small knocking sounds. He
describes how he spent weeks with the beetle,
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dorislessing
watchingit,thinkingaboutit,makingexperiments.
And then, suddenly, that marvellous moment of
insightwhenhecametotheuntilthennotobvious
conclusion that it was not sound, but a vibration
whichthebeetlewasusing:avibrationsosubtleit
isoutofourrangecompletely.Andthesymphony
ofclickings,squeakings,chirpings,buzzings,which
ishowweexperiencetheinsectworldonahot
night,forinstanceisforthemsignalsofadifferent
kind,whichwearetoocrudetocatch.Wellyes,
ofcourse:obvious.Assoonasyouseeit,thatis.
Underournoses,allthesecomplicatedlanguages
whichwedontknowhowtointerpret.
Youcanwatchathingadozentimes,thinking,
Howcharming,orhowstrange,until,andalways
unexpectedly,senseissuddenlymade.
Forinstance:whenblackcatskittensareatthe
walking stage, grey cat will always, at a certain
point,butneverwhenblackcatiswatching,creep
uptoakittenandthisiswhatissooddasif
kittensareanewphenomenon,asifshehasnever
hadkittensherself.Shecreepsbehind, or sideways,
172
particularlycats
tothekitten.Shewillsniffatit,orputapawto
it,tentative,experimental:shemightevengiveita
hastylickortwo.Butnotfromthefront.Notonce
haveIseenherapproachingfromthefront.Ifthe
kittenturnsandfacesher,perhapseveninfriendly
curiosity,nothostileatall,greycatspits,backs,her
furgoesupsheiswarnedoffbysomemechanism.
Ithoughtthiswasjustgreycat,whosesexualand
maternal instincts have been taken from her, and
whoissuchacoward.Butafortnightago,ave-
week-old kitten was taking its rst walk in the
garden:snifng,looking,adventuring.Itsfather,the
whitishcat,cameup;andinexactlythesameway
asgreycat,inacreepingcautiousway.Itsniffedat
thekittenfrombehind.Thekittenturnedaround
andfacedthisnewcreature,andatoncethebigmale
catbackedaway,hissingandfrightened,threatenedby
this minute thing which it could have killed with
onesnapofitsjaws.
Natureprotectingatinycreaturefromanadult
ofitsownspeciesduringtheperioditcantght
foritselfthroughstrength?
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dorislessing
Thecatsarenowfouryearsold,twoyearsold.
Greycatislessthanhalfwaythroughherlife
ifshehasluck.
Notlongago,shewasntinwhenwewentto
bed.Shedidntcomeinthatnightatall.Nextday,
nogreycat.Thatnight,sincegreycatwasnotin
theprestigeposition,blackcattookit.
ThedayafterthatIswitchedonallthedefence
mechanisms:well,itsonlyacat,etc.Anddidthe
routine things: Hasanyone seen a Siamese-shaped
greycatwithacreamundersideandblackmarkings?
Noonehad.
Very well then, when black cat had her next
litter,wewouldkeepone,andatleastwewould
havetwocatsinthehousewhowerefriends,who
wouldenjoyeachother.
Whenshehadbeengonefourdays,greycatcame
back,shecamerunningalongthewalls.Perhapsshe
hadbeenstolenandhadescaped;perhapsshehad
beenvisitingsomefamilywhoadmiredher.
Blackcatwasnotpleasedtoseeher.
Fromtimetotimepeopleinthehouselecture
174
particularlycats
thecats,whentheythinknooneislistening:Fools,
idiots, why cant you be friends? Just think what
funyouaremissing,howniceitwouldbe!
LastweekItrodongreycatstailbymistake:
sheletoutasquawk,andblackcatleapedinfora
kill: instant reex. Grey cat had lost favour and
protection,soblackcatthought,andthiswasher
moment.
Iapologizedtogreycat,pettedthemboth.They
accepted these attentions, watching each other all
the time, and went their separate ways to their
separatesaucers,theirseparatesleepingplaces.Grey
catrollsonthebed,yawns,preens,purrs:favourite
cat, boss cat, queen cat by right of strength and
beauty.
Blackcattendstosettlethesedaysthereare
nokittensaroundforthemomentinacornerof
thehallwaywhereshehasherbacktothewall,and
cancheckoninvadersfromthegarden,andwatch
greycatsmovementsupanddownthestairs.
When she dozes off, eyes half-closed, she be-
comes what she really is, her real self when not
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dorislessing
tuggedintofussydevotionbymotherhood.Asmall
sleek,solidlittleanimal,shesits,ablack,blackcat
withhernoble,curved,aloofprole.
Catfrom theShades!Plutonic cat!Cat foran
alchemist!Midnightcat!
But black cat is not interested in compliments
today,shedoesnotwanttobebothered.Istroke
herback;itarchesslightly.Sheletsouthalfapurr,
inpoliteacknowledgementtothealien,thengazes
aheadintothehiddenworldbehindheryelloweyes.
176
rufusthesurvivor
chaptereleven
Events did cast their shadow, months before. All
thatspringandsummer,asIwentpastonthepave-
ment,ashabbyorange-colouredcatwouldemerge
fromunderacarorfromafrontgarden,andhe
stoodlookingintentlyupatme,nottobeignored.
Hewantedsomething,butwhat?Catsonpavements,
catsongardenwalls,orcomingtowardsyoufrom
doorways,stretchandwavetheirtails,theygreet
you,walkafewstepswithyou.Theywantcom-
panionship or, if they are shut out by heartless
owners,astheyoftenarealldayorallnight,they
appealforhelpwiththeloudinsistentdemanding
miaow that means they are hungry or thirsty or
cold. A cat winding around your legs at a street
corner might be wondering if he can exchange a
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dorislessing
poorhome forabetter one.But thiscatdid not
miaow, he only looked, a thoughtful, hard stare
fromyellow-greyeyes.Thenhebeganfollowingme
alongthepavementinatentativeway,lookingup
atme.HepresentedhimselftomewhenIcamein
andwhenIwentout,andhewasonmyconscience.
Washehungry?Itooksomefoodouttohimand
putitunderacar,andheatealittle,butleftthe
rest.Yethewasnecessitous,desperate,Iknewthat.
Didhehaveahomeinourstreet,andwasitabad
one?Heseemedmostoftentobenearahousesome
doors down from ours, and, once, when an old
woman went in, he went in too. So he was not
homeless.Yethetooktofollowingmetoourgate
andonce,whenthepavementlledwithasurgeof
shoutingschoolchildrenhescrambledintoourlittle
frontgarden,terried,andwatchedmeatthedoor.
Hewasthirsty,nothungry.Orsothirsty,hunger
was the lesser demand. That was the summer of
1984, with long stretches of warm weather. Cats
locked out of their homes all day without water
suffered.Iputdownabasinofwateronmyfront
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rufusthesurvivor
porchonenightandinthemorningitwasempty.
Then,asthehotweatherwenton,Iputanother
basinonmybackbalcony,reachedbywayofalilac
treeandabigjumpupfromasmallroof.Andthis
basintoowasemptyeverymorning.Onehotdusty
daytherewastheorangecatonthebackbalcony
crouchedoverthewaterbasin,drinking,drinking
...Henishedallthewaterandwantedmore.I
relledthebasinandagainhecroucheddownand
emptiedthat.Thismeanttheremustbesomething
wrongwithhiskidneys.NowIcouldtakemytime
looking athim. A scruffy cat,his dirty fur rough
overknobblybones.Buthewasawonderfulcolour,
re colour, like a fox. He was, as they put it, a
wholecat,hehadhistwoneatfurryballsunderhis
tail.Hisearsweretorn,scarredwithghting.Now,
whenIcameinandoutofthehouse,hewasno
longerthereinthestreet,hehadmovedfromthe
fronts of the houses and the precarious life there
with the speeding cars and the shouting, running
childrentothebacksceneoflonguntidygardens
andshrubsandtrees,andmanybirdsandcats.He
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dorislessing
wasonourlittlebalconywherethereareplantsin
pots, bounded by a low wall. Over this the lilac
treeholdsoutitsboughs,alwaysfullofbirds.He
lay in the strip of shade under the wall, and the
water bowl was always empty, and when he saw
mehestoodupandwaitedbesideitformore.
Bynowthepeopleinthehousehadunderstood
wemustmakeadecision.Didwewantanothercat?
Wealready hadtwo beautifullarge lazyneutered
toms,whohadalwayshaditsogoodtheybelieved
thatfood,comfort,warmth,safetywerewhatlife
owed them, for they never had had to ght for
anything. No, we did not want another cat, and
certainlynotasickone.Butnowwetookoutfood
aswellaswatertothisoldderelict,puttingiton
thebalconysohewouldknowthiswasafavourand
notaright,andthathedidnotbelongtous,and
couldnotcomeintothehouse.Wejokedthathe
wasouroutdoorcat.
Thehotweatherwenton.
Heoughttobetakentothevet.Butthatwould
mean he was our cat, we would have three cats,
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rufusthesurvivor
and our own were being huffy and wary and
offendedbecauseofthisnewcomerwhoseemedto
haverightsoverus,eveniflimitedones.Besides,
whatabouttheoldwomanwhomhedidsometimes
visit?Wewatchedhimgostifyalongapath,turn
right to crawl under a fence, cross a garden and
thenanother,hisorangenessbrilliantagainstthedul-
linggrassoflatesummer,andthenhevanishedand
waspresumablyatthebackdoorofahousewhere
hewaswelcome.
Thehotweatherendedanditbegantorain.The
orangecatstoodoutintherainonthebalcony,his
furstreakeddarkwithrunningwater,andlooked
atme.Iopenedthekitchendoorandhecamein.
Isaidtohim,hecouldusethischair,butonlythis
chair;thiswashischair,andhemustnotaskfor
more.Heclimbedontothechairandlaydownand
lookedsteadilyatme.Hehadtheairofonewho
knowshemustmakethemostofwhatFateoffers
beforeitiswithdrawn.
Whenitwasnotrainingthedoorwasstillopen
ontothebalcony,thetrees,thegarden.Wehate
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dorislessing
shuttingitalloutwithglassandcurtains.Andhe
couldstillusethelilactreetogetdownintothe
gardenforhistoilet.Helayallthatdayonthechair
inthekitchen,sometimesgettingclumsilyoffitto
drinkyetanotherbowlofwater.Hewaseatinga
lotnow.Hecouldnotpassafoodorwaterbowl
withouteatingordrinkingsomething,forheknew
hecouldnevertakeanythingforgranted.
Thiswasacatwhohadhadahome,butlostit.
Heknewwhatitwastobeahousecat,apet.He
wantedtobecaressed.Hisstorywasafamiliarone.
Hehadhadahome,humanfriendswholovedhim,
orthoughttheydid,butitwasnotagoodhome,
becausethepeoplewentawayalotandlefthimto
nd food and shelter for himself, or who looked
after him aslong as it suited them, andthen left
theneighbourhood,abandoninghim.Forsometime
hehadbeenfedattheoldwomansplace,but,it
seemed,notenough,orhadnotbeengivenwater
todrink.Nowhewaslookingbetter.Buthewas
not cleaning himself. He was stiff, of course, but
hehadbeendemoralized,hopeless.Perhapshehad
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rufusthesurvivor
believedhewouldneverhaveahomeagain?After
afewdays,whenheknewwewouldnotthrowhim
outofthekitchen,hebegantopurrwheneverwe
came into it. Never have I, or anyone else who
visitedthehouse,heardanycatpurrasloudlyashe
did.Helayonthechairandhissideswentupand
downandhispurringrumbledthroughthehouse.
He wanted us to know he was grateful. It was a
calculatedpurr.
Webrushedhim.We cleanedhisfurforhim.
Wegavehimaname.Wetookhimtothevet,thus
acknowledgingthatwehadathirdcat.Hiskidneys
werebad.Hehadanulcerinoneear.Someofhis
teethhadgone.Hehadarthritisorrheumatism.His
heartcouldbebetter.Butno,hewasnotanold
cat,probablyeightornineyearsold,inhisprime
ifhehadbeenlookedafter,buthehadbeenliving
ashecould,andperhapsforsometime.Catswho
have to scavenge and cadge and sleep out in bad
weatherinthebigcitiesdonotlivelong.Hewould
soonhavediedifwehadnotrescuedhim.Hetook
hisantibioticsandthevitamins,andsoonafterhis
185
dorislessing
rst visit to the vet began the painful process of
cleaning himself. But parts of himself he was too
stifftoreach,andhehadtolabourandstruggleto
beacleanandcivilizedcat.
Allthiswentoninthekitchen,andmostlyon
thechair,whichhewasafraidofleaving.Hisplace.
Hislittleplace.Histoeholdonlife.Andwhenhe
went out on to the balcony he watched us all in
caseweshutthedooronhim,forhefearedbeing
locked out more than anything, and if we made
movements that looked as if the door might be
shutting, he scrambled painfully in and on to his
chair.
Helikedtositonmylap,andwhenthishap-
pened, he set himself in motion, purring, and he
looked up with those clever greyish-yellow eyes:
Look,Iamgrateful,andIamtellingyouso.
Oneday,whenthearbitersofhisfatewerein
thekitchendrinkingtea,hehoppedoffhischairand
walkedslowlytothedoorintotherestofthehouse.
Therehestoppedandturnedandmostdeliberately
lookedatus.Hecouldnothaveaskedmoreclearly:
186
rufusthesurvivor
CanIgofurtherintothehouse?CanIbeaproper
housecat?Bynowwewouldhavebeenhappyto
invitehimin,butourothertwocatsseemedable
totoleratehimifhestayedwherehewas,akitchen
cat.Wepointedtohischairandheclimbedpatiently
backontoit,wherehelaysilentanddisappointed
forawhile,andthensethissidesheavinginapurr.
Needlesstosay,thismadeusfeelterrible.
Afew dayslater, hegot carefullyoff hischair
andwenttothesamedoorandstoppedthere,look-
ingbackatusfordirections.Thistimewedidnot
say he must come back, so he went on into the
house,butnotfar.Hefoundashelteredplaceunder
a bath, and that was where he stayed. The other
catswenttocheckwherehewas,andenquiredof
us what we thought of it, but what we thought
was,thesetwoyoungprincescouldsharetheirgood
fortune.Outsidethehouseitwasautumn,andthen
winter, and we needed to shut the kitchen door.
But what about this new cats lavatory problems?
Thesedayshewaitedatthekitchendoorwhenhe
neededtogoout,butoncetherehedidnotwant
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dorislessing
tojumpdownontothelittleroof,orclimbdown
thelilactree,forhewastoostiff.Heusedthepots
theplantsweretryingtogrowin,soIputdowna
bigboxlledwithpeat,andheunderstoodandused
it.Anuisance,havingtoemptythepeatbox.There
isacatdoorrightatthebottomofthehouseinto
thegarden,andourtwoyoungcatshadnever,not
once,madeamessinsidethehouse.Comerainor
snoworhighwinds,theygoout.
Andsothatwasthesituationaswinterbegan.In
theeveningspeopleandthetworesidentcats,the
rightfulcats,wereinthesittingroom,andRufus
wasunderthebath.Andthen,oneevening,Rufus
appearedinthedoorwayofthesittingroom,and
it was a dramatic apparition, for here was the
embodimentofthedispossessed,theinsulted,the
injured,makinghimselffeltbythewarm,thefed,
theprivileged.Heglancedatthetwocatswhowere
hisrivals,butkepthisintelligenteyesonus.What
werewegoingtosay?Wesaid,Verywell,hecould
usetheoldleatherbeanbagneartheradiator,the
warmthwouldhelphisachingbones.Wemadea
188
rufusthesurvivor
hollowinthebeanbagandheclimbedintothehol-
low and curled up, but carefully, and he purred.
Hepurred,hepurred,hepurredsoloudlyandso
longwehadtobeghimtostop,forwecouldnot
hearourselvesspeak.Literally.Wehadtoturnup
thetelevision.Butheknewhewasluckyandwanted
ustoknowheunderstoodthevalueofwhathewas
getting.WhenIwasatthetopofthehouse,two
oorsup,Icouldheartherhythmicrumblingthat
meantRufuswasawakeandtellingusofhisgrati-
tude.Orperhapshewasasleepandpurringinhis
sleep,foroncehehadstartedhedidnotstop,but
lay there curled up, eyes shut, his sides pumping
upanddown.Therewassomethinginordinateand
scandalousaboutRufusspurring,becauseitwasso
calculated.Andwewerereminded,aswewatched,
andlistenedtothisoldsurvivor,whowasonlyalive
nowbecausehehadusedhiswits,ofthehazards
andadventuresandhardshipshehadundergone.
Butourothertwocatswerenotpleased.Oneis
calledCharles,originallyPrinceCharlie,notafter
the present holder of that title, but after earlier
189
dorislessing
romanticprinces,forheisadashingandhandsome
tabby who knows how to present himself. About
hischaracterthelesssaidthebetterbutthischron-
icleisnotaboutCharles.Theothercat,theolder
brother, with the character of one, has a full
ceremonial name, bestowed when he rst left
kittenhood and his qualities had become evident.
WecalledhimGeneralPinknosetheThird,paying
tribute,andperhapsremindingourselvesthateven
thebestlookedaftercatisgoingtoleaveyou.We
hadseenthaticecream-pinktinge,butonthetips
of noses with a less noble curve, on earlier, less
imposingcats. Likesomepeoplehe acquiresnew
namesastimemakesitsrevelations,andrecently,
becauseofhismoralforceandhisabilitytoimpose
silentjudgementsonascene,hebecameforatime
a Bishop, and was known as Bishop Butchkin.
Reserving comment, these two cats lay in their
respectiveplaces,nosesontheirpaws,andwatched
Rufus.Charlesisalwaysunderaradiator,butButch-
kinlikesthetopofatallbasketwherehecankeep
aneyeonthings.Heisamagnicentcat.Familiarity
190
rufusthesurvivor
haddulledmyeyes:Iknewhewashandsome,but
Icamebackfromatripsomewheretobedazzled
bythisenormouscatboldlypatternedinhisshining
black and immaculate white, yellow-eyed, with
whitewhiskers,andIthoughtthatthisbeautyhad
beenbredoutofcommon-or-gardenmog-material
by good feeding and care. Left unneutered, a cat
whohadtoroamaroundinallweatherstocompete
foramate,hewouldnotlooklikethis,butwould
be a smaller, or at least gaunt, rangy, war-bitten
cat.No,Iamnothappyaboutneuteringcats,far
fromit.
ButthistaleisnotaboutElMagnico,thename
thatsuitshimbest.
Whenhethoughtwedidntknow,Charleswould
trytogetRufusintoacorner,andthreatenhim.
ButCharleshasneverhadtoghtandcompete,and
Rufushas,allhislife.Rufuswassoricketyhecould
be knocked over by the swipe of a determined
paw. But he sat back and defended himself with
hardexperiencedstares,withhiswarypatience,his
indomitability. There was no doubt what would
191
dorislessing
happentoCharlesifhegotwithinhittingdistance.
As for El Magnico, he was above competing on
thislevel.
During all those early weeks, while he was
recovering strength, Rufus never went out of the
house,excepttothepeatboxonthebalcony,and
therehedidhisbusiness,keepinghisgazeonus,
andevennow,ifitseemedthedoormightshuthim
out,hegavealittlegruntofpanicandthenhobbled
backindoors.Hewassoafraid,evennow,hemight
losethisrefugegainedafterlonghomelessness,after
suchtormentsofthirst.Hewasafraidtoputapaw
outside.
Thewinterslowlywentby.Rufuslayinhisbean-
bag,andpurredeverytimehethoughtofit,andhe
watchedus,andwatchedthetwoothercatswatch-
inghim.Thenhemadeanewmove.Bynowwe
knew he never did anything without very good
reason, that rst he worked things out, and then
acted.Theblackandwhitecat,Butchkin,istheboss
cat.Hewasborninthishouse,oneofsixkittens.
Hebroughtuphissiblingsasmuchashismother
192
rufusthesurvivor
did:shewasnotabadmothersomuchasanexhaus-
tedone.Therewasneveranyquestionaboutwho
wasthebosskittenofthelitter.NowRufusdecided
tomakeabidforthepositionofbosscat.Notby
strength,becausehedidnothavethat,butbyusing
hispositionasasickcat,givensomuchattention.
EveryeveningTheGeneral,ElMagnicoButchkin,
cametoliebymeonthesofaforawhile,toestablish
hisrighttothisposition,beforegoingtohisfavourite
placeontopofthebasket.Thisplacebymewas
the best place, because Butchkin thought it was:
Charles,forinstance,wasnotallowedit.Butnow,
just as he had walked deliberately to the kitchen
doorandthenlookedbacktoseeifwewouldallow
himtothehouseitself,justashehadstoodinthe
sittingroomdoortondoutifwewouldlethim
in to join the family, so now Rufus deliberately
steppeddownoffthebeanbag,cametowhereIsat,
pulledhimselfup,rstfrontlegs,andthen,with
difculty,hisbacklegsandsatdownbesideme.He
lookedatButchkin.Thenatthehumans.Finally,a
carelesslookatCharles.Ididnotthrowhimoff.I
193
dorislessing
could not. Butchkin only looked at him and then
slowly(andmagnicently)yawned.Ifeltitwashe
whoshouldmakeRufusreturntothebeanbag.But
hedidnothing,onlywatched.Washewaitingfor
metoact?Rufuslaydown,carefully,becauseofhis
painfuljoints.Andpurred.Allpeoplewholivewith
animalshavemomentswhentheylongtosharea
language.Andthiswasone.Whathadhappenedto
him,howhadhelearnedtoplanandcalculate,how
hadhebecomesuchathinkingcat?Allright,sohe
wasbornintelligent,butthensowasButchkin,and
so was Charles. [And there are very stupid cats.]
All right, so he was born with such and such a
nature.ButIhaveneverknownacatsocapableof
thought,ofplanninghisnextmove,asRufus.
Lyingbesideme,havingachievedthebestplace
in the sitting room after only a few weeks from
beinganoutcast,hepurred.ShhhRufus,wecant
hear ourselves think. But we did not share a
language, could not explain that we would not
throwhimoutifhestoppedpurring,sayingthank
you.
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rufusthesurvivor
Whenwemadehimswallowpillshemadelittle
gruntsofprotest:heprobablysawthisastheprice
hehadtopayforarefuge.Sometimes,whenwe
swabbedhisearandithurt,heswore,butnotat
us:itwasagenerallydirectedcursefromonewho
had much occasion to use curses. Then he licked
ourhandstoshowhedidntmeanus,andsethis
purrgoingagain.Westrokedhimandhegavehis
rustygruntofacknowledgement.
MeanwhileButchkintheMagnicentwatchedand
thoughthisownthoughts.Hischaracterhadalot
todowithRufussfate.Heistooproudtocompete.
Ifheisinintimateconversationwithmeatthetop
ofthehouse,andCharlescomesin,hesimplyjumps
downoffthebedorchairandgoesoffdownstairs.
Hewillnotonlynottoleratecompetitionfelttobe
unworthyofhim,hewontputupwiththoughts
notcentredonhim.Holdinghim,strokinghim,I
havetokeepmythoughtsonhim.Nosuchthing,
with Butchkin, as stroking him while I read. The
momentmythoughtshavewandered,heknowsit
and jumps down and is off. But he doesnt bear
195
dorislessing
grudges.WhenCharlesbehavesbadly,tormenting
him,hemightgivehimaswipe,butthenbestowa
forgivinglick,noblesseoblige.
Suchacharacterisnotgoingtolowerhimselfby
ghtinganycatforrstplace.
OnedayIwasstandinginthemiddleoftheroom
addressingmyselftoButchkinwhowascurledon
hisbaskettop,whenRufusgotdownoffthesofa,
andcametostandjustinfrontofmylegs,looking
atButchkinasiftosay,Sheprefersme.Thiswas
doneslowlyanddeliberately,hewasnotbeingemo-
tionalorrashorimpulsive,allqualitiesthatCharles
hadtoomuchof.Hehadplannedit,wascalmand
thoughtful.Hehaddecidedtomakeanalbidto
betopcat,myfavourite,withButchkininsecond
place.ButIwasntgoingtohavethis.Ipointedat
thesofa,andhelookedupatmeinawaywhich
had he been human would have said, well, it
wasworthhavingago.Andhewentbacktothe
sofa.
Butchkinhadnotedmydecisivenessinhisfavour
anddidnotremarkonitmorethanbygettingdown
196
rufusthesurvivor
off his place, coming to wind himself around my
legs,andthengoingbackagain.
Rufushadmadehisbidtoberstcat,andfailed.
197
chaptertwelve
Hehadnotputapawdownstairsformonths,but
nowIsawhimtryingaclumsyjumpontotheroof,
andtherehelookedback,stillafraidImightnotlet
himbackin,thenheeyedthelilactree,working
outhowtogetdownit.Springhadcome.Thetree
wasfreshlygreenandtheowers,stillinbud,hung
inwhitish-greenfronds.Hedecidedagainstthetree
and jumped painfully back up to the balcony. I
pickedhimup,carriedhimdownstairs,showedhim
the cat door. He was terried, thinking it was a
trap.Igentlypushedhimthroughwhileheswore
and struggled. I went out after him, picked him
up,andpushedhimback.Atoncehescrambledup
the stairs, thinking I wanted to throw him out
altogether.Thisperformancewasrepeatedonsuc-
198
rufusthesurvivor
cessivedaysandRufushatedit.InbetweenIpetted
andpraisedhimsohewouldknowIwasnottrying
togetridofhim.
Hethoughtitover.Isawhimgetupfromhis
placeonthesofaandslowlygodownthestairs.He
wenttothecatdoor.Therehestood,histailtwitch-
inginindecision,examiningit.Hewasafraid:fear
drovehimback.Hemadehimselfstop,return...
severaltimeshedidthis,thenreachedtheapitself,
andtriedtoforcehimselftojumpthroughit,but
hisinstinctsroseupinhimandforcedhimaway.
Again and again this was repeated. And then he
made himself do it. Like a person jumping into
thedeepend,hepushedhisheadthrough,thenhis
body, and was in the garden that was full of the
scentsandsoundsofspring,birdsjubilatingbecause
theyhadmadeitthroughanotherwinter,children
reclaiming their playgrounds. The old vagabond
stood there, snufng the air which seemed to ll
himwithnewlife,onepawraised,turninghishead
tocatchthesmell-messages(whatsomeoneinthe
housecallssmellograms)thatbroughthimreminders
199
dorislessing
offormerfriends,bothfelineandhuman,brought
himmemories.Easythentoseehimasayoungcat,
handsome and full of vigour. Off he went in his
deliberateway,limpingalittle,totheendofthe
garden.Undertheoldfruittreeshelookedtothe
rightandhelookedtotheleft.Memoriestugged
him both ways. He went under the fence to the
right,inthedirectionoftheoldwomanshouse
orsowesupposed.Therehestayedforanhouror
so,andthenIwatchedhimsqueezinghiswayback
underthefencesintoourgarden,andhecameback
downthepathandstoodatthebackdoorbythe
catapandlookedupatme:Pleaseopenit,Ive
hadenoughforoneday.Igaveinandopenedthe
door.Butnextdayhemadehimselfgooutthrough
the ap, and he came back through the ap, and
afterthattherewasnoneedforacatbox,noteven
whenitrainedorsnowedorthegardenwasfullof
windandnoise.Not,thatis,unlesshewasilland
tooweak.
Most often he went visiting to the right, but
sometimesofftotheleft,alongerjourney,andI
200
rufusthesurvivor
watchedhimthroughbinoculars,tillIlosthimin
theshrubs.Whenhereturnedfromeithertriphe
alwayscameatoncetobepetted,andhesethis
purring machinery in motion ... it was then we
realised his purring was no longer the very loud
insistentprolongednoiseithadbeenwhenherst
came.Nowhepurredadequately,withmoderation,
asbettedacatwhowantedustobesurehevalued
usandhisplacewithus,eventhoughhewasnot
topcat,andwewouldnotgivehimrstplace.For
a long time he had been afraid we would prove
capriciousandthrowhimout,orlockhimout,but
nowhefeltmoresecure.Butatthatstagehenever
wentvisitingwithoutcomingatoncetooneofus,
andpurring,andsittingbyourlegs,orpushinghis
foreheadagainstus,whichmeanthewouldlikehis
earsrubbed,particularlythesoreone,whichwould
notheal.
ThatspringandsummerweregoodforRufus.
Hewaswell,asfarashecouldbe.Hewassureof
us, even though once I incautiously picked up an
oldbroomhandle,whichlayonthebackporch,and
201
dorislessing
Isawhimjumpdownontotheroof,fallingover,
andhescrambleddownthetreeandwasattheend
ofthegardeninonewildpanickyrush.Someone
in the past had thrown sticks at him, had beaten
him. I ran down into the garden, and found him
terried,hidinginabush.Ipickedhimup,brought
himback,showedhimtheharmlessbroomhandle,
apologized, petted him. He understood it was a
mistake.
Rufusmademethinkaboutthedifferentkinds
ofcatintelligence.BeforethatIhadrecognizedthat
catshaddifferenttemperaments.Hisistheintelli-
genceofthesurvivor.Charleshasthescienticintel-
ligence,curiousabouteverything,humanaffairs,the
peoplewhocometothehouse,and,inparticular,
ourgadgets.Taperecorders,aturninggramophone
table,thetelevision,aradio,fascinatehim.Youcan
seehimwonderingwhyadisembodiedhumanvoice
emergesfromabox.Whenhewasakitten,before
hegaveup,heusedtostopaturningrecordwith
apaw...releaseit...stopitagain...lookat
us,miaowanenquiry.Hewouldwalktotheback
202
rufusthesurvivor
oftheradiosettondoutifhecouldseewhathe
heard,gobehindthetelevisionset,turnoveratape
recorderwithhispaw,sniffatit,miaow,Whatis
this?Heisthetalkativecat.Hetalksyoudownthe
stairsandoutofthehouse,talksyouinagainandup
thestairs,hecommentsoneverythingthathappens.
Whenhecomesinfromthegardenyoucanhear
himfromthetopofthehouse.HereIamatlast,
hecries,Charlestheadorable,andhowyoumust
havemissedme!Justimaginewhathashappenedto
me,youllneverbelieveit . . . Intotheroomyou
aresittinginhecomes,andstandsinthedoorway,
hisheadslightlyononeside,andwaitsforyouto
admire him. Am I not the prettiest cat in this
house?hedemands,vibratingallover.Winsome,
thatsthewordforCharles.
TheGeneralhashisintuitiveintelligence,know-
ingwhatyouarethinking,andwhatyouaregoing
to do next. He is not interested in science, how
thingswork;hedoesnotbothertoimpressyouwith
hislooks.Hetalkswhenhehassomethingtosay
andonlywhenheisalonewithyou.Ah,hesays,
203
dorislessing
ndingthattheothercatsareelsewhere,soweare
alone at last. And he permits a duet of mutual
admiration.WhenIcomebackfromsomewherehe
rushesfromtheendofthegardencryingoutThere
youare,Ivemissedyou!Howcouldyougoaway
andleavemeforsolong?Heleapsintomyarms,
licksmyfaceand,unabletocontainhisjoy,rushes
alloverthehouselikeakitten.Thenhereturnsto
beinghisgraveanddigniedself.
BythetimeautumnbeganRufushadbeenbehav-
inglikeastrong,wellcatforsomemonths,visiting
friends,sometimesstayingawayforadayortwo.
Butthenhedidnotgoout,hewasasickcatand
lay in a warm place, a sad cat with sores on his
paws,shakinghisheadbecauseoftheulcerinhis
ear,drinking,drinking...Backtothevet.Verdict:
notgood,verybad,infact,soresliketheseabad
sign. More antibiotics, more vitamins, and Rufus
shouldnotgooutinthecoldandwet.Formonths
Rufusmadenoattempttogoout.Helaynearthe
radiator,andhishaircameoutingreatthickrusty
wads. Wherever he lay, even for a few minutes,
204
rufusthesurvivor
was a nest of orange hair, and you could see his
skinthroughthethinfur.Slowly,hegotbetter.
Byillluckithappenedthatanothercat,notours,
needed medicating at the same time. It got itself
runover,hadaseriousoperation,andconvalesced
inourhousebeforegoingtoanotherhome.There
weretwocatsinourhousebeingfussedoverand
ourowntwocatsdidnotlikeit,andtookthemselves
offintothegardenawayfromtheupsettingsight.
And then Butchkin too seemed ill. When I went
intothegardenorthesittingroomhewasstretching
outhisneckandcoughinginadelicatebutgloomy
way,sufferingnoblyborne.Itookhimtothevet,
buttherewasnothingwrong.Amystery.Hewent
oncoughing.InthegardenIcouldnotpickupa
trowelorpulloutaweedwithouthearinghoarse
andhollowcoughing.Veryoddindeed.Oneday,
whenIhadpettedpoorButchkinandenquiredafter
hishealth,andgivenup,andcomeindoors,Iwas
struckbyunpleasantsuspicion.Iwenttothetopof
thehouseandwatchedhimthroughthebinoculars.
Not a sign of coughing, he was stretched out
205
dorislessing
enjoyingtheearlyspringsunlight.DownIwentinto
the garden, and when he saw me he got into a
crouching position, his throat extended, coughing
and suffering. I returned to the balcony with the
spyglass,andtherehelay,hisbeautifulblackand
whitecoata-dazzleinthesun,yawning.Luckilythe
secondsickcatrecoveredandwentofftohisnew
homeandwewereagainathree-catfamily.Butch-
kins cough mysteriously disappeared, and he
acquiredanothername:foratimehewasknown
asSirLaurenceOlivierButchkin.
Nowallthreecats enjoyedthegardenintheir
variousways,butpursuedinitthreeparallelexist-
ences: if their paths crossed they politely ignored
eachother.
One sunny morning I saw two orange cats on
the fresh grass of the next door lawn. One was
Rufus. His fur had grown back, but thinner than
before. He sat rmly upright, confronting a very
youngmalecat,whowaschallenginghim.Thiscat
was bright orange, like an apricot in sunlight, a
plumy,featherycat,whomadedelicatejabs,rst
206
rufusthesurvivor
withonepawandthentheother,notactuallytouch-
ingRufusbut,orsoitlooked,aimingatanimaginary
orinvisiblecatjustinfrontofRufus.Thislovely
youngcatseemedtobedancingasitsat,itwavered
andsidledandpattedandproddedtheair,andthe
foxreshineofitsfurmadeRufuslookdingy.They
werealike:thiswasRufussson,Iwassure,andin
himIwasseeingthepooroldragbagRufusashe
hadbeenbeforetheunkindnessofhumanshaddone
him in. The scene went on for minutes, half an
hour. As male cats often do, they seemed to be
stagingajoustorduelasamatterofform,withno
intentionofactuallyhurtingeachother.Theyoung
catdidletoutayowlortwo,butRufusremained
silent,sittingsolidlyonhisbottom.Theyoungcat
went on feinting with his fringed red paws, then
stoppedandhastilylickedhissideasiflosinginterest
inthebusiness,butthen,remindedbyRufussstolid
presencethathehadanobligationtoghtRufus,
hesatupagain,allstyleandpose,likeaheraldic
cat, a feline on a coat of arms, and resumed his
feinting dance. Rufus continued to sit, neither
207
dorislessing
ghting nor refusing to ght. The young cat got
boredandwanderedoffdownthegarden,prancing
at shadows, rolling over and lolling on the grass,
chasinginsects.Rufuswaiteduntilhehadgone,and
thensetoffinhisquietwayinthedirectionhewas
going,thisspring,nottotheright,totheoldlady,
buttotheleftwherehemightstayhoursoreven
overnight.Forhewaswellagain,anditwasspring,
matingtime.Whenhecamehomehewashungry
and thirsty, and that meant he was not making
human friends. But then, as spring went on, he
stayedlonger,perhapstwodays,three.Hehad,I
wasprettysure,acatfriend.
TetchyandpetulantGreyCathadbeenunfriendly
with other cats. Before she was spayed she was
unlovingwithhermates,andhostileeventocats
livingalongtimeinthesamehouse.Shedidnot
have cat friends, only human friends. When she
becamefriendlywithacatforthersttimeshewas
old,aboutthirteen.Iwaslivingtheninasmallat
atthetopofahousethathadnocatdoors,onlya
staircase to the front door. From there she made
208
rufusthesurvivor
herwaytothegardenatthebackofthehouse.She
couldpushthedooropentocomein,buthadto
beletout.Shebeganadmittinganoldgreycatwho
wouldascendthestairsjustbehindher,thenwait
atthedoortoouratforhertosayhecouldcome
upfurther,andwaitedatthetoptobeinvitedinto
myroom:waitedforherinvitations,notmine.She
liked him. For the rst time she was liking a cat
whohadnotbegunasherkitten.Hewouldadvance
quietlyintomyroomherroom,ashesawit
andthenwenttowardsher.Atrstshesatfacing
himwithherbacktoabigoldchairforprotection;
she wasnt going to trust anyone, not she! He
stoppedashortwayfromherandsoftlymiaowed.
Whenshegaveahasty,reluctantmewinreply
forshehadbecomelikeanoldwomanwhoisqueru-
lousandbadtempered,butdoesnotknowithe
crouched down a foot or so away from her, and
lookedsteadilyather.Shetoocroucheddown.They
mightstaylikethatforanhour,twohours.Later
shebecamemorerelaxedaboutitall,andtheysat
crouchedsidebyside,close,butnottouching.They
209
dorislessing
did not converse, except for soft little sounds of
greeting. They liked each other, wanted to sit
together.Whowashe?Wheredidhelive?Inever
foundout.Hewasold,acatwhohadnothadan
easylife,forhecameupinyourhandslikeashadow,
andhisfurwaslustreless.Buthewasawholecat,
a gentlemanly old cat, grey with white whiskers,
polite,courtly,notexpectingspecialtreatmentor,
indeed,anythingmuchfromlife.Hewouldeata
littleofherfood,drinksomemilkifofferedsome,
butdidnotseemhungry.OftenwhenIcameback
fromsomewherehewaswaitingattheoutsidedoor
andhemiaowedalittle,verysoftly,lookingupat
me, then came in after me, followed me up the
stairstothedoorofourat,miaowedagain,and
cameupthenalstairstothetopwherehewent
straight to Grey Cat, who let out her cross little
miaowwhenshesawhim,butthenpermittedhim
atrillofwelcome.Hespentlongeveningswithher.
She was a changed cat, less prickly and ready to
takeoffence.Iusedtowatchthetwoofthemsitting
together like two old people who dont need to
210
rufusthesurvivor
talk. Never in my life have I so badly wanted to
sharealanguagewithananimal.Whythiscat?
Iwantedtoaskher.Whythiscatandnoothercat?
Whatisitinthisoldpolitecatthatmakesyoufond
ofhim?ForIsupposeyouwilladmityouare?All
thesenecatsinthehouse,allyourlife,andyouve
neverlikedoneofthem,butnow . . .
One evening, he did not come. Nor the next.
GreyCatwaitedforhim.Shesatwatchingthedoor
allevening.Thenshewaiteddownstairsatthedoor
intothehouse.Shesearchedthegarden.Buthedid
notcome,noteveragain.Andshewasneveragain
friends with a cat. Another cat, a male cat who
visitedthecatdownstairs,tookrefugewithuswhen
hebecameill,afewweeksbeforehedied,andlived
outtheendofhislifeinmyroomherroom;but
sheneveracknowledgedhisexistence.Shebehaved
asifonlyIandshewerethere.
IbelievethatRufushadsuchafriend,andthat
waswherehewasgoingofftovisit.
One evening in late summer he stayed on the
sofabyme,andhewastherenextmorninginexactly
211
dorislessing
thesameposition.Whenatlasthegotdown,he
walked holding up a limp and dangling back leg.
Thevetsaidhehadbeenrunover:onecouldtell
byhisclaws,forcatsinstinctivelyextendtheirclaws
togripwhenthewheeldragsatthem.Hisclaws
werebrokenandsplit.Hehadabadfractureofa
backleg.
Thecastwentonfromhisankletothetopof
histhigh,andhewasputintoaquietroomwith
foodandwaterandadirtbox.Therehewashappy
to stay overnight, but then wanted to come out.
We opened the door, and watched him clumsily
descendthestairs,ightafteright,tothebottom
of the house, where he swore and cursed as he
manoeuvred that sticking-out leg through the cat
door, then hopped and hobbled up the path, and
sworealotmoreasheedgedhimselfandtheleg
underafence.Offtotheleft,tohisfriend.Hewas
awayforabouthalfanhour:hehadbeentoreport
to someone, feline or human, about his mishap.
Whenhecameback,hewaspleasedtobeputback
into his refuge. He was shaken, shocked, and his
212
rufusthesurvivor
eyesshowedhewasinpain.Hisfur,madehealthy
bysummerandgoodfeeding,lookedharsh,andhe
wasagainapooroldcatwhocouldnoteasilyclean
himself. Poor old ragbag! Poor Calamity Cat! He
accumulatednamesasButchkindoes,buttheywere
sadones.Buthewasindomitable.Hesethimself
tothetaskofremovinghiscast,succeeded,andwas
returnedtothevettohaveanotherputon,which
hecouldnottakeoff.Buthetried.And,everyday
hemadehistripdownthestairs,tothecatdoor,
wherehehesitated,hislegstuckoutbehindhim,
then went through it cursing, because he always
knockedhislegonit,andwewatchedhimhobble
upthegardenthroughthepuddlesandleavesofthe
autumn.Hehadtoliealmostattogetunderthe
fence.Everydayhewenttoreport,andcameback
exhausted and went to sleep. When awake, he
labouredatthetaskofgettinghiscastoff.Where
hesatwaswhitewithbitsofcast.
Inamonthitcameoff,thelegwasstiffbutusable,
andRufusbecamehimself,agallantadventuringcat,
whousedusasabase,butthengotillagain.Fora
213
dorislessing
couple of years this cycle went on. He got well,
andwasoff,gotillandcamehome.Buthisillnes-
ses were getting worse. His ear ulcer would not
heal. He would return from somewhere to ask
for help. He would put his paw delicately to his
suppuratingear,retchdelicatelyatthesmellonhis
paw,andlookhelplesslyathisnurses.Hegavelittle
gruntsofprotestaswewasheditout,buthewanted
us to, and he took his medicaments, and he lay
aroundandallowedhimselftogetwell.Underour
hands,histough,muscledbody,astrongoldcat,
inspiteofhisailments.Itwasonlyattheendof
hislife,hismuchtooshortlife,whenhewasilland
couldhardlywalk,thathestayedhomeanddidnot
attempt to go out at all. He lay on the sofa and
seemedtothink,ordream,whenhewasnotasleep.
Once,whenhewasasleepIstrokedhimawaketo
takehismedicine,andhecameupoutofsleepwith
theconding,lovingtrillgreetingcatsuseforthe
peopletheylove,thecatstheylove.Butwhenhe
saw it was me he became his normal polite and
gratefulself,andIrealizedthatthiswastheonly
214
rufusthesurvivor
timeIhadheardhimmakethisspecialsoundin
a house where it was heard all day. This is how
mothercatsgreettheirkittens,kittensgreettheir
mothers.Hadhebeendreamingofwhenhewasa
kitten? Or perhaps even of the human who had
ownedhimasakitten,orayoungcat,butthenhad
goneoffandabandonedhim.Itshocked,andhurt,
this ultimate sound, for he had not made it even
whenhewaspurringlikeamachinetoshowgrati-
tude.Duringallthetimehehadknownus,nearly
fouryears,severaltimesnursedbacktohealth,or
near-health,hehadneverreallybelievedhecould
not lose this home and have to fend for himself,
becomeacatmaddenedbythirstandachingwith
cold.Hiscondenceinsomeone,hislove,hadonce
beensobadlybetrayedthathecouldnotallowhim-
selfevertoloveagain.
Knowingcats,alifetimeofcats,whatisleftisa
sedimentofsorrowquitedifferentfromthatdueto
humans:compoundedofpainfortheirhelplessness,
ofguiltonbehalfofusall.
215
.
theoldageofelmagnico
chapterthirteen
Aweekbeforeourcathadhisfrontlegor,rather,
hiswholehaunchtakenoff,heraceddownseven
ightsofstairs,thenbangcrashthroughthecatdoor
andalongthegardenpathtothefenceattheend,
to see off the enormous grey tom who visits our
gardens from across the reservoir. His screech-
ing howl of deance was such that when he
returned,calm,victorious,tomybedatthevery
topofthehouseandsatlookingoverhisterritory,
emptiedofallcatsbuthimself,andthenoverthe
fencetothewidegreeneldthatisthereservoir
theVictoriansputtheirwaterundergroundIsaid
to him, as usual shaken by that voice of his, But
Good God Butchkin! That is the most intolerable
yowl.
219
dorislessing
Butchkin?NotTheMagnicence?Itwaslikethis.
SeventeenspringsagoacatcalledSusiegavebirth
toherkittensintheroofspacenearmyroom.She
wasafriendlycivilizedcat,soshemusthavehada
goodhome,buthadlostit,andwaslivingrough,
sometimesfedandsometimesnotbytheladiesat
thelunchcentre,hadgivenbirthtoatleasttwosets
ofkittensanywhereshecouldndacorneronce
it was under a lorry and those kittens had not
survived.Shewasnotanoldcat,butshewastired
and frightened. Mother cats who have had many
litters,nothavingbeenrescuedbykindlyowners
withanoperation,mayacknowledgetheirenormous
bellythatsquirmsandbulgesbecauseofthevivacious
loadinside,withunmistakableweariness.Ohno,
doIhavetogothroughallthatagain?Thiscatwas
given food, safety, a place in the roof where no
othercatcouldevenapproach,butshewasareluc-
tantmother,thoughdutiful.
When kittens rst open their little hazy bluish
eyesandseethehumanstoweringoverthemthey
mayhissanddefy,beforebecomingcompanionable
220
theoldageofelmagnico
cats,butamongSusieskittenswasoneblackand
whitescrapwhoopenedhiseyes,sawme,climbed
unsteadilyofftheoldblanketontotheoor...
thenontomyleg...upmyleg...myarm...
myshoulder...clingingonwithhistinyprickles
of claws, got under my chin and cuddled there,
purring. This was love, and for life. He was the
biggestkitten,thebosskitten,andfromthestart
took command of them all, even washed and
chastisedthem,whilehisbigmotherlaystretched
out,watching.Hewaslikeafathertothosekittens,
orevenamother.Susiedidnotseemtocarefor
him more than the others, or disapprove of his
bossiness.
Thereisamysteryaboutthebirthofthosekit-
tens.Therewereseven.One,awhitekitandit
ispainfultothinkhowbeautifulacathewouldhave
beenshepushedoutofthenest,anditwasfound
deadacoupleofdayslater.Unlessitwasborndead,
unlikely,sincealltheothersweresolively.Andshe
pushedoutanother,too,alittletabby.Ileftitfor
halfaday,coldandunfed,thinkingImuststopmy
221
dorislessing
sentimentality, grieving about natures choices: if
shehadthrownhimoutthenwhowasIetc.butI
couldnotbearit, hearinghisfeeblemews,andI
puthimbackamongtheothers,andthereweresix
thrivingkits.Susie,then,hadanambiguousattitude
to those kittens. Seven, she had clearly thought,
were too many, and even six were. She had not
been prepared to mother more than ve kittens,
andcertainlywhenthesixwererampagingaround
myroomonecouldseeherpoint.
Iamsayingthatthiscatcouldcount,andifshe
wasnotthinking,one,two,three,four,ve,then
she knew the difference between ve and seven.
Mostscientistswoulddisputethis,Imprettysure.
Thatis,asscientiststheywould,butasownersof
cats,probablynot.Itisinteresting,watchingascien-
tistfriendtalkingaboutcatcapacitiesthathewould
ofcially deny. His cat is always in the window
waitingforhimtocomehome,hesays,butwearing
hisotherhat,saysanimalshavenosenseoftime,
theyliveinaneternalnow.Hemaygoontosay
thatifheisnotexpectedhome,thecatisnotthere,
222
theoldageofelmagnico
butthistakeshimintoregionshendsintolerable.
Thefactis,anyobservantcarefulcatownerknows
moreaboutcatsthanthepeoplewhoauthoritatively
studythem.Seriousinformationaboutthewaysof
cats,andotheranimals,isofteninmagazineswith
nameslikeCatNews, or PussyPals,andnoscientist
woulddreamofreadingthem.Thereyouwillnd
tales like this: a farm cat, whose kittens as they
werebornwerealwaystakenfromher,leavingone,
surprised her owners after many litters by giving
birthtoonlyonekitten.Tactfulofher,theythought,
butshehadcarriedfourkittensuptotheattic,one
byone,andthereshewenttofeedthem,secretly,
spendinghertimeostensiblywiththeonepermitted
kitten.Thefarmerandhiswifeheardthescampering
upstairs, discovered their cats clever deception
and it would be nice to think they found a good
homeforthekittensandhadtheirpoorcatspayed.
Susie seemed pleased enough to nd a willing
helper in her bossy kitten, but there was some
ambivalencetheretoo.Thiskittensweakpointwas
thatheoftencoughed,orseemedtondanirritant
223
dorislessing
inhisthroat.Hismotherthenwenttohim,sat,and
tookhisneckandlowerheadinherbigjaws.Ifshe
tightenedthosejawsshewouldkillhim,butno,she
heldhim,forhalfaminute,aminute,andIwon-
derediftherewasanerveorapressurepoint,and
she knew how to stop his spluttering and cough-
ing.Hedidstop,notatonce.Later,whenhewas
grown,andhecoughed,IdidwhatSusiehaddone,
clampmyngersasshehadherjaws.Hedoesstop
coughing,afterabit.
Thiskittenwasbiggerthantheothers,andwe
calledhimButchinjoke,becauseitwasridiculous,
thistinything,thisblobofakitten,becomingthe
kindlytyrantofthenursery.Weintendedtodrop
thename,thisboringunimaginativename,thathalf
the male cats in the country get called, and dogs
too,Butch,BigButch,butthenamestuck,though
softened,rstbecauseofhiskittenstatus,toButch-
kin,andthenPushkin,orPusskin,Pusscat,Pushka
allthevariationsontheppssskpssshpusssounds
thatforsomereasonseemtotwiththerealityof
Cat.YouwouldnevercallacatRover,thoughhe
224
theoldageofelmagnico
maywanderfurtherthanadog.Thehonoricsthis
cathadearned,ElMagnicobeingonlyone,arefor
specialoccasions,aswhenheisbeingintroduced.
Whatishecalled?GeneralPinknosetheThird
(forheisnottherstcatwhosetinypinknosein
some lights and poses seems gently to mock the
pretensionsoftheimposingbeast).Whatanecat,
saysthevisitor,disconcerted,imaginingthatwecall
the full name into the garden, or even General!
Whereareyou?Therearesomenamesthatrefer
nottothisparticularcat,buttotheownershistory
withcats.ButElMagnicosuitshimbest,suitshim,
becausehetrulyissuchamagnicentcat.
He was a lithe and handsome black and white
youngcat,andheandhisbrother,atabby,atiger,
wereanepair,butElMagnicohadtogrowinto
hisfullglory,dramaticblackandwhite,andthen
youthought,awed,thiscreature,thismagnicence,
hasevolvedfrombasicmoggy,fromyourordinary
Londoncat-stuff,theproductofhundredsofyears
of haphazard matings or at least that have no
concernatallforpedigreebetweenrun-of-the-mill
225
dorislessing
pussandcat-as-catch-can,betweenblackcats,and
blackandwhitecats,andtabbies,andmarmalades
andtortoiseshellsandtheresultisjustanordinary
black and white cat and what could be more
common than that? And yet, at his best, visitors
couldwalkintoaroomwherehelaystretchedout,
anenormouslordlybeast,aharlequinadeofblack
andwhite,andstopandexclaim,Whatamarvellous
cat,andthen,unabletobelievethisbeastwasjust
mogg-stuff,Butwhatishe?Oh,hesjustanordi-
narycat.
Fourteenyearsold,andinfullhealth,andtherewas
alumponhisshoulder.Tothevethewent.Cancer
oftheboneofhisshoulder.Nowthewholefront
leg had to come off, that is, the whole haunch,
shoulderandall.
Thehumanswentintoshock.Thiscatathree-
leggedcat?Surelyhewouldnotenduretheignominy
ofit.Butthedaywasxed,andElMagnico,com-
plaining at the top of his voice, for he has never
beenonetosufferinsilence,wasdriventoafamous
226
theoldageofelmagnico
catsurgeon,andthereleftinthecareofanurse.
Wewereassuredhewouldmanageperfectlywell
withthreelegs.Hemuststayseveraldayswiththem
torecuperate.Thisinitselfmustbehardforhim
tobear,forhehadlivedhisentirelifeinthishouse,
where he was born. Out of it he wailed and
mourned.Itmustbeconfessedthatthereisabitof
ababyishstreakinourcat.Comparehimwithhis
motherSusie,whosehardlifehadmadeherabrave
andstoicalbeast.Orthecatwenursedforacouple
of years, Rufus, who, to survive at all had to be
cunning and clever. No, as in many people, here
wasacontradiction:Butchkinwas,stillis,proud,
intelligent,themostintuitivecatIveknown,but
likesomepeoplewhohaveneverhadtoghtfor
theirfoodortheirplaceintheworld,hehasasoft
placeinhim.And,too,insidethatgreathandsome
beastlurksanothersurprisingpersona:heissome-
timeshistrionic,anactoroftheold-fashionedkind,
all the stops out, to make outrageous emotional
scenes.Whenhefeelsheisbeingignored,notgiven
his due, he lets us know it, and sometimes his
227
dorislessing
humans,overcomewithlaughter,havetogohastily
intoanotherroom,forheissofunny,butofcourse
wewouldnotlethimseeuslaugh,hewouldnever
forgivetheinsult.
Whenwelefthimatthecatsurgeons,hismiaow-
ingwascertainlynotforeffect.Hehadhadtostarve,
andthenhehadinjections,andthenalargeareaof
him was shaved. We heard the operation was a
success,andhewasnowathree-leggedcat.That
morninghehadlainstretchedoutonmybedinthe
sun, one long elegant paw negligently over the
other, andI had stroked theleg that would soon
notbethere,andcaressedthepawthatcurledup
toholdmynger,whenIinsertedit,asIhadwhen
hewasakitten,thetinypawcrispingaroundthe
tipofmylittlenger.Itwasunendurablethatthe
furry limb would be thrown away into an incin-
erator.
We kept telephoning, we were reassured, yes,
hewaseating,yes,hewasne,buthemuststay
with them for some days. And then they rang to
saytheythoughtitbestifwetookhimhome,for
228
theoldageofelmagnico
hewasnotdoingwellinconnement,wastrying
toclimbthewallsofhiscageandyes,wecould
imaginewhatearsplittingyowlsweredoingtothe
nervesofthenurses.
Theytolduswemustputhiminaroomwith
thedoortightshut,andnotlethimoutforaweek,
becauseofthestitchesinthatdreadfulwound,and
becauseofinfection.Webroughthimhomeandhe
criedalltheway.Hewasashockedcat.Hisfriends,
hisfamily,andparticularlythefriendonwhosebed
heslept,andwhohadadoredhimallhislife,had
put him in a basket, which he hated, and about
whichhehadalwaysstronglyexpressedhisviews,
andthenhewasdrivenhedidntknowwhere,but
itwasalongerjourneythanhehadeverendured,
andtherehehadbeensurroundedbystrangevoices
and smells, and carried down to an underground
placesmellingstronglyofunfriendlycats,andthere
hehadbeenshutin,hisfamilysuddenlynotthere,
andneedleswerestuckintohim,andtheycutoff
hisfur,andthenhewokeup,verysore,veryweak,
andoneofhislegshadgone,andhekeptfallingon
229
dorislessing
his face when he tried to walk. And now these
so-calledfriendswerecarryinghimupstairsinhis
ownhouse,thestairshehadbeenrushingupand
downallhislife,and,asiftheyhadnotbetrayed
him,werepettinghimandcaressinghisgoodshoul-
der.Atthetopofthehouse,beforewecouldshut
thedooronhim,hetorehimselfoutofthearms
that held him, and ung himself down all seven
ights of stairs, rolling, falling, jumping, getting
downthemanywayhecould.Atthecatapinto
thegardenwecaughtupwithhim,andcarriedhim
into the garden, and put him on a blanket under
a bush. He was afraid of being shut up again,
imprisoned.Andthoughthisgreatwoundwasonly
a couple of days old, he was creeping about the
garden,andevenwentthroughthefencetonext
door,andthentothefenceatthebottomofthe
garden.Itlookedasifhewasmakingsurehecould
escapeifhehadto,awayfromthepeoplewhohad
inictedtheseterribleinsults,andthiswound.We
broughthiminatnight,shuthimup,fedhim,gave
himmedicines,talkedtohim,buthewantedtobe
230
theoldageofelmagnico
out, and for the next few days every morning I
carriedhimtohisbush,withabowlofwater,and
wentouttocommiserate,andstrokeandreassure.
Hewaspolite.Oneday,hearingahowlfromhim
Ihadneverheardbefore,Ilookedoutandhewas
balancingonhisthreelegs,andhewasliftinghis
head to howl. This was not one of his histrionic
efforts,butfromtheheart,acryofanguish,and
when he had dispersed the tension, the pain, the
bewilderment,thedisgraceofhisabsentleg,helay
downforawhile,butthengothimselfupandcried.
Itmademybloodruncold,mademefranticwith
frustration,becausehewaslivingthroughanight-
mare and he could not understand it and I could
notexplainittohim.
Cat,ifwehadnotdonethattoyouyouwould
bedeadinacoupleofmonthsdoyouunderstand
that?No,ofcoursenot.Cat,becauseoftheamaz-
ingclevernessofthehumanraceyouarealiveand
not dead, as you soon would be, in your natural
state.
Ibroughthimuptosleeponmybed,andsoon
231
dorislessing
hewascrawlingupthestairshimself.OnenightI
wasawakeandreading,andhewasasleep,andthen
hestartedup,aswemaydo,outofsleep,outof
adream,andheletoutafrightenedcry,looking
abouthim,notknowingwherehewasperhaps
he was back in that prison cage but then the
nightmarefaded,andhelaydownquietlyandlooked
out into the night beyond the big windows.
stroked,andhedidnotpurr,Istroked,Istroked,
andatlasthepurred.Severaltimeshecameawake
suddenlyoutofanightmare,andthentimepassed,
hedidnot,Ithink,havebaddreams.(Thatcatsdo
dream,sciencehasconrmed.)
ButIwasrememberinganearlierwrong.When
heandhisbrotherweretherightage,youngcats
butnotfullygrown,theyweretakentobeneu-
tered,andbroughtbackhome,andput,eachone,
onalowsoftcushion,wheretheylaystretchedout,
theirtailsowingoutbehindthem,andthiscat,my
Butchkin,mymagnico,liftedhisheadandlooked
atmeandneverhasanythingbeenclearerthanthat
long deep look: You are my friend, and yet you
232
I
theoldageofelmagnico
havedonethistome.Forunderhistailwasabloody
wound,andhislittlefurrycatballshadgone,leaving
anemptysac.Yesofcourseithadtobedone:but
itisnousesayingthataneuteredcatliveslonger
thanawholecat,doesnotroamtheneighbourhood
ghtingandgettingmoreandmorebeatenupand
battered,becausethemomentwhenyouagreethat
a whole cat must be cut and diminished to live
ball-less...well,itisabadone,andacknowledge-
ment of the commonsense of the thing does not
diminishthebasicguilt:Thiscatislessofacatthan
he was and it is my fault. The long long look,
reproach,enquiry,Why,whenyouaremyfriend?
Soon,justasthevethadsaidhewould,hewas
upanddownthosestairs,springinglightlyonone
paw,hewasonandoffthebedandthesofas,he
wasmanagingeverythingeasily,buthewasnotthe
sameinhimself.Hehadbeenhumiliated,hispride,
thatmostsensitiveofacatsorgans,hadbeenhurt.
Hisdignitywashurtbecausehehobbled,andsurely
he must be remembering, as we did, his lordly
carelessstrolleverytimehemiscalculatedandfell
233
dorislessing
onhisnose.Whathadbeenhisadvantage,hissize,
wasnowagainsthim,forhisremainingfrontleg,
thatslenderlimb,wastakingallhisweight,andthe
shoulder joint had become swollen and knobbly.
Thevetsaidtherewaswaterthere,undertheesh
andiftherewassomethingbadhiddendeepinthe
joint,thenitwouldtakeitstime.Therewasonly
atenpercentchanceofthecancerreturning.
Nearlythreeyearshavepassed.Thecathashad
thatextralife.Hehasdonewell.Hiscoatisglossy,
heisahandsomeelderlycat,withasprinkleofgrey
on one ear. His eyes are bright. He manages his
restrictedlifewiththatcuriousassessmentofpossi-
bilitiesandrisksthatyouseeinpeoplewholacka
limb,aredisabled:Irstwatcheditinmyfather,
whohadlosthisleginthewar.
ButElMagnicoislonely.Hehasbeenusedto
ahouseholdofcats.Hismotherssixkittenslled
thewholehousewiththeirgamesbeforeoffthey
went to their homes. One, Charlie, stayed for a
time.Hewasahandsomerakishcat,thetiger,with
allayoungerbrotherscharacteristics,andwatching
234
theoldageofelmagnico
himwithbig,calm,dominatingButchkinwasbetter
thanatextbookonsiblingrelationships.Thenthere
wasRufus,whowassoill,andwhoneededsomuch
attention,buthetriedtobethebosscat,andwhen
Butchkinwouldnthavethatthetwomalecatsled
parallellives,ignoringeachother.YetwhenRufus
gottooilltolive,Butchkinmissedhim,calledfor
him,lookedforhimeverywhereinthehouseand
garden.Catsusedtodropin.One,whomwefed
forayearorso,becauseheclearlyhadabadhome,
andpreferredours,wasrunoverandhadaserious
operationinvolvingtwocatdoctorsandtwonurses,
becausethecarhadpushedhisabdominalorgansup
intohischestcavity.Hewasfoundagoodhome
and lived another ve years. One we called The
Pirate,becausehealwayscameintoourhouselike
araider,hehadobviouslybeenbadlyfed,because
hecouldneverpassfoodwithouteatingitallup,
everybit,wasalwayshungry.Butchkinusedtosit
andwatchhimeatandeat.Butchkinhasnever
gone hungry, does not know what it is to think
theremightnotbeanothermealafterthisone,and
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dorislessing
soheeatsmoderately,maydecidetoleaveaplateful
offoodaltogether,ormayeatonlyhalf.Thisenor-
mouscat,thisgreatheavybeasthasneverbeena
good eater: it is his genes, his mother was a big
bulkycat.
Butnownocatsdropinandout,climbingup
thelilactreeatthebackofthehousetovisit,orto
ndamouthfultoeat,orabowlofwater.Because
thesedayswehavewarmerweather,dryerweather,
cats are often in search of water, and the bowl I
putdownonmyfrontstepsisvisitedbycatslocked
outoftheirhomesduringtheday,orwhoareout
ontheirinvestigations.Therearenocatsnowwho
treatourhomeastheirs,thereisonlythiscrippled
cat in the house and surely that is strange? Why
donttheycomeinandoutastheyusedto?The
cat doctor said our cats main problem would be
other cats, because he could not defend himself,
withonlyonepaw.Buthemissesthem.
He goes out into the garden and sits calling,
calling...thisisadifferenttonefromtheoneshe
uses with us. It is cajoling, canoodling, intimate.
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theoldageofelmagnico
Nextdoorisayoungfemalecatwhodistressesher
ownerbecauseshehuntsblackbirdsandrobins.She
is far from beautiful, or even pretty. Her fur is
rough,ofabrownishcolour,andsheismuscledand
compact.Shehasnograceorcharm,butsheisa
deadlyhuntress,andherswiftmovementtowards
herpreyislikeasnakes,smoothandfast.Ofcourse
wethinksheisnotgoodenoughforourhandsome
cat, but he wants her to be his friend, and sits
calling,facingherhouse,thencallingagain,butshe
doesnotcome,andsohebringshimselfclumsily
throughthecatdoorandheaveshimselfupthestairs.
Sheisprobablythinking,AndwhyshouldIbother
myselfwiththatoldcrippledcat?
One afternoon I stood on the balcony and
observedthisscene.Ourcatisinthegarden,calling,
andnextdoorscatcomesthroughthefence,but
notlookingathim.Shewalksindifferentlypasthim.
Hemakessmallfriendlynoises,thesameheusesto
greet us. She walks on and through the fence on
the other side. He follows, getting himself with
difculty through a small gap in the fence. She
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dorislessing
positionsherselfunderthebirchtreeontheother
side of that garden, facing him, but looking past
him. He cautiously sits a few paces off. The two
catssiton,insomesortofcommunion.Thenour
cattrieshisluck,movingcarefullyafewcat-paces
closer.Shehastilymovessomedistanceaway.He
sitsbalancinghimself,onhisfrontlegandhisback-
side.Shelicksherselfalittle.Thereisnocoquetry
inthishonestyoungcat,shedisdainsfemalewiles,
quite unlike Grey Cat, whose life is such a long
wayinthepast;sheirtedandenticedandseduced
humansaswellasmalecats.Butchkincontinuesto
watch her. He then makes another move, not
directlytowardsher,butoffatanangle,andsits
again,infactnearertoher.Shedoesnotreact.They
sit on, she licking herself, or staring around, or
puttingoutapawtotouchabeetleorsomething
near her on the earth. He miaows softly, once,
twice.Noresponsefromher.Then,afterperhaps
fteenminutes,shewalkspasthim,quiteclose,and
sits near him, but with her back to him, looking
intothewildpartofthegarden.Hechangesposition
238
theoldageofelmagnico
tositlookingafterher.Hemiaowsagain,inviting,
enticing.Shedeliberatelystrollsintothewildgarden
where she becomes invisible, though the grasses
wavewheresheismovingthroughthem.Shejumps
upontothefence,whereheusedtositwatching
the squirrels and the birds, but he cant reach it
now.Thensheisoffontothegreatgreenplainof
thereservoirgrass,whichhasbeennewlycut.He
calls after her, and then comes in, slowly up the
stairs...theyaregettinghardforhim,ourights
andightsofstairs.
Hehadtogoupanddownthemtousethegarden
topeeanddefecate,andIdidwonderifhewould
likeabox,butfeltthisindependentcatmightnd
thatinsulting.Thenitbecameclearthatitwasget-
tingtoomuchforhim,andsonowthereisacat
box.Sometimeshedoestrytogoout,butithurts
hisshoulder,soknottedandswollen.
Immediatelyafterhislegcameoff,whenhedef-
ecated, his muscles tensed and worked under the
smooth black slopes of his hide where his front
shoulder was as he tried to scratch dirt over the
239
dorislessing
mess. He went on, then looked to see what was
happening,triedagain,thosemusclesthathadonce
movedtheleghardatwork.Andthenhelooked
foolishandembarrassed.Hegavemealookasifto
sayhehopedIhadntnoticedthefoolisheffort.He
stoppedtryingtocoverhismess.Nowhetakesa
long time positioning himself on his three legs,
makingsureofhisbalance.
His favourite place is a low sofa in the living
room. Easy to step up and step down. There is,
too,alowpalletneararadiatorandthereheplaces
himself so that his painful shoulder gets the heat
directlyonit.Oncehealwayssleptonmybed,but
therearetwonarrowandsteepightsofstairs,and
hedoesnotcomeupthemnow.Imisshim.No
longerdoIwaketondhimstretchedout,gazing
intothenight,hisyelloweyesgleaming,orhearhis
littlefriendlysoundsthataccompanymydays,asI
gointoaroomorleaveit.Whatarepertoirehe
has,thepurrsandhalfpurrsofwelcome,thecalls
ofwelcome,thesmallgruntthatistheacknowledge-
mentofasituation,orathankyou,orawarning,I
240
theoldageofelmagnico
amhere,becareful,mindmyshoulder.Sometimes
whathesaysisnotsopleasant.Hewillsitinfront
ofme,lookhardatme,andthenletoutaseries
of angry miaows, on one note. An accusation? I
dontknow.
WhenhewasayoungcatIwouldwaketond
himawakeandthen,seeingthatIwas,hewould
walkupthebed,liedownonmyshoulder,puthis
pawsaroundmyneck,layhisfurrycheekagainst
mycheek,andgivethatdeepsighofcontentyou
hearfromayoungchildwhenheisatlastliftedup
into loving arms. And I heard myself sigh in
response.Thenhepurredandpurred,untilhewas
asleepinmyarms.
Whataluxuryacatis,themomentsofshocking
andstartlingpleasureinaday,thefeelofthebeast,
the soft sleekness under your palm, the warmth
whenyouwakeonacoldnight,thegraceandcharm
eveninaquiteordinaryworkadaypuss.Catwalks
acrossyourroom,andinthatlonelystalkyousee
leopard or even panther, or it turns its head to
acknowledgeyouandtheyellowblazeofthoseeyes
241
dorislessing
tellsyouwhatanexoticvisitoryouhavehere,in
this household friend, the cat who purrs as you
stroke,orrubhischin,orscratchhishead.
Theroombelowmybedroomhasabed,butit
is a high bed, and a ramp of piled cushions and
blanketsletshimeasilygetupanddownoffit.His
range is now the living room, with trips to the
kitchenandthelittleatroofoutsideit,andtothe
oorabove,wherethedirtboxwaitsforhimon
thelanding.
Helikestobebrushedslowlyallover,andcare-
fully,forthefuronthesidewherehisfrontpaw
usedtobegetsroughandknotted.Helikestobe
kneadedandmassaged,andtohavehisspinerubbed
down,necktotail,withmyhandheldhard.Iwash
hisearsforhim,andhiseyes,foronepawdoesnot
do as good a job as two. And he licks my hand,
whichforamomentortwodoesbecomeapaw,
sothatIcanrubitovertheeyeonthesidehecant
reach, again and again, for his spit, like ours, is
healingandkeepstheeyehealthy.
Sometimes,ifhehaslaintoolongonthesofa,
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theoldageofelmagnico
hecangetdownoffitonlywithdifcultybecause
hehasstiffenedup,thewayIdo,fromsittingstill,
andthenhedoesnotevenhobble,butcrawlspain-
fully,lettingoutafrustratedmiaow,tohisother
place,wheretheradiatorheatwillloosenhisold
bones.
Heisnotdoingbadly,thisoldcat,withhisthree
legs, and people coming into the room stop and
exclaim, What a magnicent cat! but when he
getsupandhobblesawaytheyaresilent,particularly
iftheyhaveseenhimasayoungcatstepproudly
outofaroom,orlyingontopofthebasketwhere
hecannolongerjumpuphistwopawscrossed
negligentlyinfrontofhim,histailowingdown,
hiscalm,deepeyes.
Whenyousitclosetoacatyouknowwell,and
put your hand on him, trying to adjust to the
rhythmsofhislife,sodifferentfromyours,some-
timeshewilllifthisheadandgreetyouwithasoft
sounddifferentfromallhisothersounds,acknowl-
edging that he knows you are trying to enter his
existence.Helooksatyouwiththoseeyesofhis
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dorislessing
thatcontinuallyadjusttochangesinlight,youlook
at him,your hand restinglightly ... Ifa cat has
nightmares then he must also dream as pleasantly
andinterestinglyaswedo.Perhapshisdreamscould
take him to places I know in dreams, but I have
never met him there. I dream of cats often, cats
andkittenstoo,andIhaveresponsibilitiesforthem,
for dreams of cats are always reminders of duty.
Thecatsneedfeeding,orneedshelter.Ifourdream
worldsarenotthesame,catsandhumans,orseem
nottobe,thenwhenhesleepswheredoeshetravel?
He likes it when we sit quietly together. It is
not an easy thing, though. No good sitting down
byhimwhenIamrushed,orthinkingaboutwhat
I should be doing in the house or garden or of
whatIshouldwrite.Longago,whenhewasakitten,
Ilearnedthat thiswasacat whodemandedyour
fullattention,forheknewwhenmymindwandered,
and it was no use stroking him mechanically, my
thoughtselsewhere,letalonetakingupabookto
read.ThemomentIwasnolongerwithhim,com-
pletelythinkingofhim,thenhewalkedoff.When
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theoldageofelmagnico
Isitdowntobewithhim,itmeansslowingmyself
down,gettingridofthefretandtheurgency.When
Idothisandhemustbeintherightmoodtoo,
notinpainorrestlessthenhesubtlyletsmeknow
heunderstandsIamtryingtoreachhim,reachcat,
essenceofcat,ndingthebestofhim.Humanand
cat,wetrytotranscendwhatseparatesus.
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About the Author
Doris Lessing, one of the most celebrated
and distinguished writers of our time,
was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature
in 2007. She has also received the David
Cohen Memorial Prize for British
Literature, Spains Prince of Asturias
Prize and Prix Catalunya, and the S. T.
Dupont Golden PEN Award for a Lifetimes
Distinguished Service to Literature,
as well as a host of other international
awards. She lives in North London.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information
on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Credits
Jacket illustration by Aurore de la Morinerie

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