LIGHTING FIRES

Since pyromania is not considered a common problem, you may find it hard to believe
that pyromaniac clubs are in fact very popular in these days. People meet in chat groups
on the internet and then work together to open clubs, halls and even pyromaniac
restaurants. In fact large queues have been known to form outside of pyro parlors
because they are so popular. To join a group is much harder than you may think.
First you must qualify, a difficult task considering that each chapter is only allotted a
small quota of membership cards every year. The tests are rigorous and many people
have had qualms and become queasy in the middle of them. Many of the queries they will
throw at you are quasi-scientific so a background in quantum physics will prove helpful if
you happen to have one. You must be able to calculate the surface area of a quadrangle
after quaffing a lot of alcohol, a queer demand indeed. They will ask you to perform
some experiments with quicksilver. Singing is also an essential skill; you will be asked to
perform classical tunes with a quartet of other singers. One of the quirks of their tests
is that you will be asked to write all your answers with a quill. Dont quiver and quaver
when writing since they also judge you on your penmanship. They will also give you points
for your character. They are looking for quixotic types who approach quandaries in a
quizzical manner. It is the quintessence of the quest that you remain quiescent, display
quietude, never quibble nor be querulous.
Pyromaniacs are quaint types so must quell your desires to show off any weird quirks or
make sarcastic quips. If a pyromaniac quorum decides you are qualified to join, without
any quisling quashing your quest, they will send you on a mission.
First you will be quarantined, and then dropped on a quay in a quagmire. You will then
have to find a quarry, perhaps a quail or a small quadruped. Do this without qualm; dont
let the quack of a dying quail disturb you for a pyromaniac does not let their quondam
life enter their new existence. Despite all the rigorous tests and strange missions you
will have to undergo to join a pyromaniac club, the one thing you will never have to prove
knowledge of is your ability to quench a fire.

Battle of the Architects
Battles between architecture rms usually go unnoticed by the general public. But
in this case, the prize contract is for the addition to the beloved city museum,
and the leading competitor is accused of deliberate underbidding and using their
size to undercut the competition. In cases like this, the underdog usually wins the
unfeigned support of the people.

We underestimated the publics inuence, said Tyrone Power, the unctuous CEO
of Acme Construction, and leading contender for the lucrative contract. Now we
have to undergird our support more, in order to stay competitive. But most of
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these accusations are unfounded. We have never had any underlying motive, other
than completing a successful project, and we have never tried to undermine the
public trust. Unfetter us from these shackles of lies! Power also denied
accusations of being underhanded and treating underlings without respect.

They are underhand in everything they do, says Celeste Holm, CEO of the often
underrated rm of C & G Construction, unfastening and unrolling her blueprints.
Thats unequivocal. They have an unfailing supply of undeserved victories, and
their personal connections make it easy for them to nd banks to underwrite
their projects. Holm, a former Broadway actress who was once an understudy to
Bette Midler, underscored her point. Their designs are unenlightened, and
unexceptional. Their focus is undirected, but the fact that they are consistently
able to land prized contracts is undisputable. How can that be? I think if
investigators were to do some digging, they could unearth some evidence of
fraud. I dont mean to underplay the importance of their design itself, but I think
with some searching, a deeper story would unfold.

Power was unappable. C & G is an unedged company, and they know little about
design. What experience do they have? Holm is a former actress, and her partner
is an unfrocked priest, who was an undertaker before he went to architecture
school. They say our designs are uninspired, but theirs are ungainly, even
unearthly. Consider the roof of the opera that undulates. An undulating roof will
eventually be undesirable, because its too obvious. Design should always be
understated. To understate something means it will always be in fashion.

Holm argued that her firms designs are unexceptionable, and thats why they
have always enjoyed unfaltering support from the people. To say that Acmes
public opinion is underutilized is an understatement, she says. We are unerringly
condent in that regard. And eventually, that will win out.




Unicorn Extinction
Unicorns were once fairly common in many countries around the world. They were
certainly unruly and uninhibited animals, unqualied for domestication, but at
least they were not prone to unprovoked aggression against people. There was no
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recorded case of a unicorn taking unilateral aggressive action against people or
other animals. These unpretentious animals lived unguarded lives on plains, nagged
in the unobtrusive acts of eating, walking and sleeping in unison. There had been a
few accidents where a unicorn had been killed in an unpremeditated fashion, but
the idea of killing them in large numbers and on purpose was, in all civilized
societies, unprecedented. It was considered unsavory and unprincipled.

Unfortunately, this attitude was not universal. There were people who wanted to
kill unicorns and make unguents to treat various ailments from their horns. This
was medically unjustied, as the ointments were demonstrably unproductive.
People told the hunters that these were unmitigated actions and that they were
acting unjustly. However, the unicorn hunters were unmoved. They saw the issue
in a simple, unidimensional way they could make money from the unreserved
slaughter of unicorns. The unication of most people against the hunters had
little effect on their hunting habits. The unicorn hunters looked the part. They
were, to a man, unkempt and unprepossessing. The hunters acted in an ungrudging,
unimpassioned, and unregulated manner.

There were uniform laws in all countries banning the hunting of unicorns, and
these laws were clearly univocal, but of course people do not behave with
uniformity. The unnoticed death of a unicorn here and a unicorn there meant
that, at rst, nothing was really done to prevent the unpalatable hunting. After
several years, however, the unremitting hunt began. to have the unimpeachable
effect of bringing the poor unicorns close to extinction. Armies were even
unleashed on the unrepentant hunters, but they had little success, as they were
uninitiated in nding such people. The hunters usually escaped unscathedunlike
the endangered unicorns. The unregenerate hunting network could not be
unraveled. The unrequited love of people for unicorns had no effect, although it
unied them in their desire to do something about the problem, and eventually
the last, unique unicorn was killed. l

Raising Arizona
The untimely death of Arizonas parents must have had something to do with his
behavior, but that didnt excuse it. The urchin with the ursine physique and
mannerisms was proving to be unwieldy. His usage of utensils, such as knives,
forks, and spoons, at the dinner table was hardly urbane, even considering his
young age. He was upstage in his interactions unseemly with others of all ages.
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His behavior constantly unsettled his utilitarian guardians. He was rather
unsightly and this in itself was unsettling for people when they met him. His
uproarious behavior was fast becoming untenable. His unscrupulous behavior led
to untold grievous incidents and upheaval. Some of the things that were said
about him were unsubstantiated, and undoubtedly designed to fuel the uproar
about him, but there were plenty of witnesses to substantiated examples of his
unscrupulousness and to his poor, unwarranted behavior. His guardians upbraided
him for any of his untoward and unsound actions that they found out about.
Doubtless others went undiscovered. They told him that his behavior was
unwonted and urged him from the bottoms of their hearts to take urgent action
to reform his character. An upsurge in unseemly incidents, including usury, led his
guardians to the conclusion that he needed a special tutor.

An experienced personal tutor with impeccable credentials was found and, by
educating this previously untutored child, his tutor managed an upswing in his
behavior within a short space of time. She worked with the boy every day to
upgrade his behavior. She discovered that he had untapped intelligence. She
taught him to uphold social rules rather than breaking them at every opportunity
as he had before. She taught him to respect the authority of senior people
rather than usurping them. She even managed to get him to sit upright in chairs
something his guardians could never manage. The young man soon became
unspotted and unthreatening in his behavior towards others. He was upfront, yet
polite with people. As a consequence, people ceased being uptight around him. The
upshot of the whole process was that he became a well-liked young man. He was a
bit of an upstart, actually. When he reached adulthood, it was interesting that he
was unwitting of his boyhood behavior. Perhaps it was better that the memory of
this now unworldly man was unspoiled by it.

The Vampire
The valetudinarian vagabond sensed a vagary in the air, but had no chance to
utilize the weapons he habitually carried with him or vacillate about what to do.
The vampire sank his teeth into the appropriate vascular channel, like a doctor
putting a needle into a persons body to vaccinate them with a vaccine against an
infectious disease. It was like twisting a valve. The teeth (coated with vanilla for
avour!) went in and the blood came out. Yummy! The vampire usually feasted on
vagrants. They were rarely missed and it didnt pay to advertise that there was a
vampire living in a particular area. The vacuous Count Dracula, who had been in the
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vanguard of the vampires advances in Europe, had made that mistake by sucking,
a vassal dry and then every man and his dog had set out to vanquish him. They had
also vandalized his castle. Such wanton vandalism was uncouth. Yes, the vampire
thoroughly approved of vagrancy. As he ew home, he saw another vagrant. Good
his wife would have a neck to suck too. The vampire was hopelessly uxorious.
Utopia was a snug coffin for two and plenty of blood on tap! He would love to
make this utopian dream come true.

One thing really annoyed the vampire he couldnt see himself in a mirror. He was
vaineven vaingloriousand vaunted his black, velvet cloak in front of his wife
and friends whenever he had the chance. It was so shiny that you would think ' it
had varnish on it. They would utter vague complin1entsthey had had enough of
this vaunting, but wouldnt say so directly. On arriving home, he told his wife
where she could get a quick bite. She kissed him and made a valedictory remark.
He said Farewell, my love in valediction and stood on the castle wall, which
offered an excellent vantage, and watched her ew out over the variegated
landscape. She veered to correct her ight path and was soon out of sight as if
she had vaporized. (Contrary to popular belief, vampires were not actually
vaporous and, for them, vaporization was impossible.) She was so valiant and
valorous! He wished he had as much valor as she did. A vapid priest had validated
their marriage in the vault of their castle. The valid signature of the sadly
deceased man was on the marriage certicate. He looked again at the variegation
of the landscape. The moonlight helped to variegate it.



A Man of Many Talents
Thanks to a vendetta, he was the only member of his family left. He had been
vengeful and there were no members of the other family alive. This was a veried
fact. As he had veried the verity of this, he could now put vengeance aside and
enjoy the verdant countryside around his home. The verdure of the countryside
was a constant source of pleasure. The man did not vegetate. He was a
ventriloquist, and kept up his art. He conducted experiments, which had
something to do with vehicles, velocity and vents. It was also said that he did
ventral investigations on dead animals. He found poisonous snakes by the verge
and extracted venom from them to make antidotes. He was good at making
veneer, brewed coffee with a velvety taste, and cooked excellent venison (but no
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one mentioned this as killing deer was verboten). He was a venturesome man and
loved to invest in promising" business ventures. He was clearly a veritable man of
many talents. He was a venerable man. As the locals venerated him, he was often
invited to speak at events. At a venue, he spoke the local vernacular and was
never verbose, which undoubtedly endeared him to his audience. Country people
didnt appreciate verbiage. They liked ideas to be verbalised simply. After
speaking at an event, he would clean the verdigris from statues, using a special
solution and rid peoples homes of vermin using another.
One night, under veil of darkness, the city police went to his home. They entered
quietly through a window the man had left open to ventilate his cottage. They
arrested him and charged him with murder. The police were vehement that he
was guilty-they had faith in the veracity of the charge but the man said nothing.
The police wanted a statement that they could read verbatim in court. The man
was veracious and so decided to say nothingthen he would not lie. The police
consequently had no written or verbal statement from him. The charges of
murder were verisimilar after all; the man had been engaged in a family feud.
However, verisimilitude is not sufficient to nd someone guilty of a crime. A
vendor who appeared as a character witness said he wasnt even venal and any
faults he had were venial. The verdict of the jury was that he was not guilty.

The Vicar

Our vicar is recognized as having the most verve of anyone in the vicinity of our
village. Hes a real versemonger and also produces the vignettes for his books of
verse. He has been vested with a real talent for drawing. Hes versatile in his
writing and his works cover many themes. He puts on his vestments and conducts
services three times a week. Sometimes, he reads his vibrant works and their
vibrancy lls the church.

He participates in village affairs with vigor and contributes to discussions on the
viability of various suggestions. He doesnt have a veto on plans but people do
listen to him when discussing what is viable. He was against the proposed viaduct
near the village because it would be an eyesore. When there was a series of
robberies causing vexation in the village, he was against forming a vigilante group,
because it would vie with the police and could result in people being victimized. He
suggested that people simply become more vigilant. The vigilance paid off and the
vile criminals were caught. He always offers to participate in vigils. If problems
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vex people, he offers advice.

Our vicar suffered from vertigo. He cured it by standing at the vertex of the
vertical church spire and even eating his victuals there. People got a vicarious
thrill out of watching him do this. Some people said they could see him vibrate in
the Wind, but I doubt their eyesight is that good. There is still a vestige of
vertigo left in him, but this vestigial amount doesnt cause him any problems. He
still eats his viands on the roof of the church occasionally and has even been
known to throw the odd viand at passers-by below.

Our vicar is a versant man and I have had a few long talks with him. On the day of
the vernal equinox, we placed vestures on the green by the church and sat on
them. First, we talked about my veterinary practice and that led to a discussion
on the evolution of vertebrates. Then, for some reason, we talked about his war
experiences. He is a veteran of vicious ghting. He told me how serving on one
particular vessel was vicissitudinous because the ship sank. I imagined that this
would cause vicissitude in anyones life.


Man and Wife

Taking in the pleasing vista from the top of the hill overlooking our small country
town, you could not fail to notice a large Light blue house in the centre. A man and
his wife lived there. He was known as a villainous vintner, with a vitriolic and
vindictive attitude to any person who crossed him. If he even had the thought
that someone was trying to cheat him, he would vituperate them at once and vilify
them shamelessly in front of others with vim. Even if the poor victim was later
vindicated, he would remain vinegared towards them for a long time afterwards.

It was said that he conducted vivisection in a tireless search for the worlds most
potent enhancer of virility, holding poor animals in a vise as he experimented,
draining them of their vital blood and examining their visceral tissues. His wife
often claimed that he wasnt virile enoughhe apparently cou1dnt vitalize their
life together so if he was conducting such visionary experiments, which might
have given vindication to the death of so many animals, he hadnt succeeded yet.

She, his wife, was a virago. She sometimes worked as a vocalista virtuoso of
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great virtuosity. She behaved like a viper, though it was said that she had been
more like a delightful vixen in her younger days. She had apparently been
vivacious and was still known for her vivid renditions of vintage songs. What had
vitiated her? It was probably her unwise marriage to the vintner that had led to
her virtual
rebirth and changed her previously virtuous character. Now, her virtues had left
her and she was as vituperative as her hated husband.

One day, all of a sudden, they both died of a virulent virus. The viral infection
killed no one else, which was most strange. A man who had a brief vision of their
visages at the morgue said that they looked as if they were vitried. Their
vitreous faces were a faint violet color. Another man said that their hands were
viscous or viscid, but this violated most peoples understanding of what a virus
could do. Their strange deaths were never fully explained, but it is supposed that
the potent virus was released as a result of one of the vintners diabolical
experiments.

At the Zoo
Vince was a voyeur, who is apparently in vogue, but we can leave that aside for
now. Of his own volition, he had decided to work as a zookeeper and had to vouch
for the well-being of the animals. He was particularly suited to this vocation, as
he loved all the animals, even the vulgar vultures and the ugly walruses with their
apparently voluminous skin. The walruses created a vortex when they slipped into
the water. He was a votary of the foxes and enjoyed watching their vulpine
activities. Sometimes, they allowed him to stroke their voluptuous coats. The
elephants were one animal he didnt want a wallop from. He loved listening to the
birds warble. They were certainly vociferous at times. They were probably
waffling about unimportant things most of the time. He liked to watch the pigs
wallow in mud and the hippos wade in water.

The monkeys were wanton creatures; always trying to wangle some food from
visitors. They seemed to believe that they should be vouchsafed food. Perhaps
issuing them with food vouchers was a good idea to make sure they didnt get too
much. Their wacky and waggish behavior usually got them what they wanted. If
they didnt, they would pelt the visitors with a volley of dirt. Clyde was one
monkey who was a particular wag. He would impersonate people, waddling in front
of visitors. Once, someone fed Clyde something he didnt like. He brought it up
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and threw the vomit at the person. The person was from Haiti and Clyde was lucky
not have been the victim of voodoo.

In the insect house, there were voracious little creatures and insects that
seemed to waft along on the surface of water. There were army ants, capable of
waging war on any vulnerable or wan creatures in their natural environment. They
used magic wands whenever they pleased and rarely wailed or waned. Their
voracity was almost unmatched in the insect world. At the snake house, voluble
visitors would look into a space apparently void of animals and only be able to
make out a camou aged snake after a few minutes of careful observation. In
nature, each species would be vying for food and living space, but here they were
separated. There was no want at the zoo. On the other hand, any animal with
wanderlust would be disappointed. The weather could affect some of the animals,
as it was more volatile than they were used to.

At the Log Cabin

Wendy worked as a warden in one of the national parks. She had joined the army,
but she became wearisome of the warhorse politicians who welsh on their
promises, and decided on a whimsy to spend some time in the wilderness, the
moon waxing and waning overhead. She was no wastrel and never wavered in
getting up at six in the morning, even if she was weary for some reason. She was
well-groomed, keeping her uniform tidily in a wardrobe, a habit that she had
brought with her from the army. She lived in a log cabin by herself and cooked
herself a wholesome breakfast each morning. Sometimes, she had to do some
work at the cabin, such as welding metal or dealing with a warp in a piece of wood.
All the warranties had expired on items in the cabin. There was no way to weasel
out of doing it, because she was alone and no one else would do it.

That particular morning, she stepped outside, plucked a few weeds which had
taken root, caught a whiff of the fresh air and, on a whim, decided to walk
through the forest rather than driving along the trails. She was wary. This was
warranted because sometimes predators such as wolves would waylay their prey.
She treaded carefully as roots and fallen branches whelmed the path. Soon, she
heard nearby waterfall and the whirlpool at the bottom of it.

This proved to be a watershed in her journey as she heard a whine nearby. She
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looked and saw a whelp. Had it been abandoned or lost? If so, that would warrant
her intervention. She decided that it had and wheedled the young wolf out of its
hiding place with some food. It whimpered and wheezed. Then, suddenly, it gave a
whoop as she picked it up. Wendy whispered to it and walked back to the cabin
with it to feed its wasted body. As she walked, she whistled and thought about
this weird meeting. It would be difficult for the young wolf to weather the next
few days. She fed it a Welter of food, which seemed to whet its appetite. She
would whittle a whit or two of meat from her food for it. Like most young animals,
the wolf was whimsical. It was also a little waspish and she had to wean it off
that kind of behavior. In the evening, she lit the wick of a candle and watched the
young wolf sleep.

Waynes World

Waynes boring job was to deliver writs to people when they were issued by
courts. The city was zoned and each deliverer worked in a different zone.
Waynes one was often busy. Other people doing this work would deliver writs
with a wry smile, perhaps showing their wrinkles, but Wayne didnt. Wayne loved
travel. The fact that Wayne liked travelling is not unusual in itself. However,
when he was younger, Wayne was well known for his xenophobia. The reason why
he suddenly ceased being a xenophobe is a mystery. He grew a lot of plants
particularly xerophytes and could wreathe yarn and other things into beautiful
handicrafts. - He also wrought things from wood and iron. But he became a zealot
for travel.

His zealotry took him to Britain, where he walked in the countryside, imaging
himself in days of yore as a yeoman, using a yoke on his oxen to pull the plough in
a zany zigzag across his fields and yielding yummy vegetables and wheat to mix
with yeast to make bread. He imagined that in the evening, he would have sat in a
traditional pub and chatted with zest with the yokels. He went to Japan, sailing
by yacht from Korea with millions of yen to spend. However, the yacht yawed
when a storm wreaked havoc on him and he found himself in Russia.

The yacht was wrecked on the shore, against rocks which were not yielding, but
Wayne wrested and wrenched some wood from the wreckage and made a re. He
was in a wretched state and writhed in pain because of an injury to his wrist. The
wind yowled and he yearned to be in a more comfortable place. He looked at the
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moon, which was at its zenith. At long last, he yawned and fell asleep. In the
morning, the wind was a zephyr, and Wayne returned to the wrecked yacht and
yanked some food from it. At rst, he thought he was going to become angry
again, but his zeal overcame his wroth. When he was nally rescued, he didnt
allow wrath to destroy his love of travelling and continued to be a zesty traveler.
The amount of travelling he did zoomed and, as Wayne discovered new places; he
knew that he had not been wrongheaded in his love of travel.

Taken from a Chinese book




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