the hillsdale forum

Interview with Short

Story Contest winner
Ian AthertonPage 21
DE CE MB E R 2 0 1 3
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To attend Hillsdale is
to choose an academic
vocationPage 8
Hillsdale needs more
student self-government
Page 4
Contents
Staff
Conservative Features
4 The Need for Self-Government at Hillsdale Luke Adams
Are you a student fed up with the awesome power of Central Hall? Adams is
too. He writes that self-government requires the student body to administer
justice amongst itself.
6 The Insuffcency of Convention Sarah Albers
Russell Kirk is a beloved fgure in the conservative movement, but his
intellectual problems came from the Cold War. Albers questions Kirks
relevance in fghting todays liberalism.
8 The Obligation of Perfection Micah Meadowcroft
As we approach Christmas Vacation, Meadowcroft reminds us that to be a
student is a vocation all year round.
10 Polanyi and Spontaneous Order Devin Creed
When Creed argues that a chemistry professors understanding of
spontaneous order is better than Hayeks, he does not Polanyiones leg.
12 A Discourse on Discourse James Inwood
In the modern world, people bemoan the mudslinging of politics and the
vitriol of the internet. Inwood notes that such rhetoric has been around for
centuries.
Campus Features
14 Campus Smackdown: Caffeine Lorynn Cruz
A coffee addict and a tea snob clash over their favorite vice: caffeinated
drinks.
16 Short Story Contest Winner Ian Atherton
Lemons are the topic of the second short story contest winners epic Saga.
Read his interview with The Forum following the story.
21 Tragically Hip Sarah Albers
Albers shares albums yove never heard of and hands out tips on uping your
snark game.
22 Spotlight On: Shooting Lorryn Cruz
Hillsdale students like cameras and frearms. Cruz talks to two shooters and
someone who gets shot (with a camera).
23 From the Records of the Admissions Offce Andy Reuss
Reuss is a fairly delinquent Student Ambassador for Hillsdale. In this satire
piece, he mocks both his former self and a distressing tendency of the
humanities.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Wes Wright
MANAGING EDITOR
Chris McCafery
HEAD DESIGNER
Lauren Wierenga
FEATURED
ESSAYISTS
Micah Meadowcrof
Luke Adams
James Inwood
Devin Creed
Brett Wierenga
STAFF WRITERS
Lorryn Cruz
Sarah Albers
Andy Reuss
EDITORS
Chelsey Schmid
PHOTOGRAPHERS
Laurie Barnes
Caroline Green
Olivia File
LAYOUT AIDES
Grace DeSandro
Meg Prom
BUSINESS MANAGER
Ryne Bessemer
Volume III, Issue 2December 2013
2
Letter fro the Editor
T
ime for questions and answers can be a
valuable part of public lectures, allowing
the speaker to clarify his message or more
broadly apply his argument. In Hillsdales Center for
Constructive Alternatives, however, Q&A sessions are
often tedious and unenlightening. Too many students
and donors ask long-winded questions that do not
apply to the topic, derailing quality discussion. In
most instances, this problem stems from Hillsdales
twin selves.
Hillsdales intellectual community is its primary
self. It is late-night discussions, our house culture,
camaraderie with professors, the Donnybrook. It is
monarchists and libertarians, homeschoolers and
classical schoolers, Catholics and Calvinists. It is
pursuit of transcendent Truth among students and
professors who take joy in learning. Yes, it is isolated
but, like Mont St. Michel, its seclusion is sanctuary
from everyday concerns that would distract us from
pursuit of the higher.
Hillsdales second self is its reputation as the last
bastion of the Right. Advertisements on certain radio
programs and some rhetorical fourishes from Central
Hall create an alternate image in which every last
Hillsdale studentfrom theatre major to chemist
marches from Hillsdale equipped to turn back the
tide of Progressivism and restore Americas glorious
Republican government. These ads are fnancially
lucrative, but they attract an unseemly cadre: politics
majors.
Politics majors is an epithet that refers to students
(of any academic discipline) who are more interested
in D.C. oneupsmanship than they are in study of the
higher things. Easy to spot, they announce themselves
with that classic icebreaker, You see what Obama
did the other day? They are the sort of people who,
at another school, would have no misgivings about
majoring in political science.
These politics majors rush to Hillsdale after hearing
about it on an AM station, gung-ho to attack the liberal
media and government. They apply conservative
principles to the fnances of student government.
They ask Anthony Esolenin front of their peers!
about the state of the world
and what we, as college
students, can do about
it. They bring the
trivial, ephemeral,
and distracting
concerns of jockeying
politicians into our
contemplative bubble.
There is hope. Many
of these budding Kent
Sorensons convert during their
time at Hillsdale, changing to a history major or adding
a philosophy minor. Our own Andy Reuss added an
English major (he satirizes himself in this issue).
Some continue with politics but adopt the broader
mindset of Hillsdales primary self. Some contribute
to The Hillsdale Forum and other publications of
interdisciplinary discourse.
You could too. The Forum is always looking to help
politics majors broaden their interests by writing
thoughtful opinion pieces on conservatism and the
liberal arts. We also need photographers, editors, and
designers; send us an email at hillsdaleforum@gmail.
com if you are interested, and we will respond to you
shortly.
In the meantime, ask a lecturer about his topic. You
may learn something.
Mission Statement
The Hillsdale Forum is the independent, student-run
conservative magazine at Hillsdale College. The Forum,
in support of the mission statement of Hillsdale College,
exists to promote a return to limited government
as outlined in the Declaration of Independence and
the Constitution. We publish conservative opinion,
editorials, and campus features. The Forum is a vehicle
to bring the discussion and thought of the intelligent
students and professors at the heart of the conservative
movement beyond the classroom.
3
The Need for Further
Self-Governance at Hllsdale
BY LUKE ADAMS
M
odern civil government has two essential
parts. The frst part is the collection and
disbursement of state funds to support the
government and any additional causes the public
deems worthy. The second part is the enforcement
of laws and regulations. Hillsdale College seeks
to instill the virtue of self-government in the
student body, but it does not implement a full
understanding of this idea. We have a Student
Federation that allocates an impressive sum of
student activity fees, yet all disciplinary action is
handled solely by the administration. This situation
can be improved, and it would serve the campus
better were students to more fully self-govern.
One of the main reasons prospectives choose
Hillsdale College is our like-minded community.
While there is certainly intellectual diversity on
campus, Hillsdales spectrum is far narrower
than that of other colleges. Due to both of these
factors, reaching consensus on an acceptable code
of conduct, though minor exceptions will almost
certainly arise, should not be impossibly difcult.
In addition to a shared understanding of proper
conduct, the students here are rather concerned
about campus: club participation is high, and the
elections for Student Federation (at least this year)
were hotly contested, and dorm loyalty is strong.
Rare is he who merely attends classes and has no
allegiances to a single group at the college. The
students possess a broad understanding that we are
all here to make our education as good as it can
be, and with this understanding comes a deeply
felt social responsibility. Who, for example, has
seen litter on the grounds for any length of time?
Most Hillsdale students take pride in their school
and their communitypride that fosters respect.
Why, then, does the administration inhibit
self-government? Surely, out of all of the
colleges in the country, we students would be
among the most ft to fulfll the second part of
government. Our Honor Code, which every
student is required to sign, states: Through
education the student rises to self-government.
Notably, it does not state what kind of self-
government; the quality of self-government in
general is expected of each and every student.
Perhaps the argument could be made that self-
government in this context is really only meant to
be applied at the individual level. Maybe so, but if
this is the standard to which we are all held, would
we not be even more capable of handling campus-
wide disciplinary action on our own?
Then again, perhaps I am simply making
mountains out of molehills (or philosophers
out of philosophy majors), and the actual effect
4
of any expanded responsibilities on the part
of the students would be miniscule. After all,
students arent going to gain any police powers,
so this discussion is not of incredible import.
Nevertheless, one cannot help but question
whether a recent incident involving a certain
head RA would not have been better received
or more justly resolved, perhapshad students
meted out justice, not the administration. Put
plainly, the students would respond positively to
incentives such as being held responsible to one
another for missteps.
Admittedly, it does seem odd to allow the
demographic stereotypically known for its
unrestrained excess to judge itself. Yet on this
point Hillsdale is different. Each student is
required to sign an honor code. Students are
not handed a packet of rules that they are not to
break, although the administration has certainly
made clear those instances that are less than
obvious. The administration gives the student
body the overarching principle and expects it
apply it to its own circumstances. There is little
arbitrariness about what the Honor Code means,
so it would not be difcult to decide
whether the
accuseds conduct
fell within its bounds.
Therefore, the creation of either a committee
of the Student Federation or a free-standing
judicial council to enforce the honor code is the
obvious choice of action. Instead of having the
dean of men or women decide behind closed
doors how to handle each situation, bring
transparency
and a little
more respect
for the
students to
the process.
Self-governance
is a longstanding
principle of Hillsdale
College: it is one of the central ideas that drives
each and every aspect of our education here.
It is the way our college deals with the federal
government. The Honor Code is one of the
differentiating features of the college. Students
already spend the massive student fees budget;
why not extend this authority to the next logical
step?
The leadership of the college makes much
of the quality of the student body of here. We
are told from Freshman Convocation on that
we are a cut above. If the administration really
believes what they tell us, if they really want
to improve education at Hillsdale College, then
it only makes sense to change the disciplinary
structure. Clearly, as evidenced by
the existence
of the
Student
Federation, the
administration trusts the students. Further, this
action would not require total autonomy from the
administration -- advice and oversight from the
deans would be welcomed. It is foolish to reject
the insight of those with more experience, but
it would be still more foolish to fail to bring the
Honor Code culmination. F
the creation of either a committee of the
Student Federation or a free-standing judicial council to
enforce the honor code is the obvious choice of action.
5
T
wo fundamental beliefs guide
conservative thought. Namely, that
human nature is immutable and that
one may distill the precepts of natural law by
observation of this permanent nature. Early
progressives began by moving away from
the idea of natural law, then fnally denied
the permanence of human nature altogether.
Man, in the eyes of liberalism, is an organism
fully integrated into society. He is a result
of circumstance, his nature determined by
elements not inherent but imposed.
On one side, law refects justice
in an unqualifed and universal
sense: namely, justice as set
down by natural law. On the
other, law refects justice
only in a qualifed sense:
justice as it is determined
by the society to which it is
applied. Man has the power
to create his own law. By
extension, modern liberals see
history not as an act of providence,
but as a providential force unto itself. Man
is his own god, the maker of both his history
and his future.
Sexuality, morality, and justice according
to modern liberalism are all subject to change
according to the needs of the individual.
They would have conventional law as the
only law: what is just is what society says
is so. Conservatives form principles based
on observation of what human nature is.
Liberals have formed principles based on
what they wish human nature could be.
Liberalism is, put simply, the perfunctory
rejection of all that conservatism holds
dear. It is not the abstract nature of their
beliefs that is fundamentally irreconcilable
with conservatism, but the fact that their
beliefs are utterly unaccountable
to the world as it is. The tenets
of liberalism are unmitigated by
reality, untempered by practicality,
unfettered by the need to reconcile
what is with what they think should
be. It has stripped men of all that
makes them most enduringly
human, replacing what is lost with
a series of egalitarian platitudes
and meaningless gestures toward
utopian worlds to come.
Though we may
be unable to
thwart liberal
d e g e ne r a t i on
by means of
precedent, we
may yet return
to our principles.
This nation was
founded upon
a few self-evident
truths and may perhaps
be saved by them. In one famous
line, the Founders set forth the
frst of a series of principles by
which all Americans may guide
their argument: We hold these
truths to be self evident, that all
men are created equal, that they
are endowed by their Creator with
certain unalienable Rights, that
among these are Life, Liberty and
the pursuit of Happiness. It is to
these fundamental beliefs that we
must turn in order to confront
the ravaging infuence of modern
liberalism.
Russell Kirk is considered
by many to be the father of
[Kirk]
was utterly
unafraid to chalk
up the events of
history to Gods
work and let
them be.
The Insufficiency of Convention
BY SARAH ALBERS
6
modern conservative thought. When Kirk wrote The
Conservative Mind in 1953, it was for a very specifc
purpose: to give strength and coherence to the post-
World War II conservative
argument, which had long
been in a state of popular
decline and was fnally
brought to its knees with the
broad public acceptance of
liberal internationalism after
the war. He strove to validate
conservative philosophy
by producing a catalog
of conservative thinkers
through history, giving his
contemporaries precedents
from which to draw. From
The American Cause,
published in 1957: We
[Americans] have maintained
a degree of order and justice
and freedom very rare in
history. And behind these
outward marks of success lie
certain enduring principles
of thought and action which,
in very considerable part,
have created and protected
our national life. Certain
concepts in Americans
minds are responsible for
our private rights, our
sound government, and our
worldly prosperity (TAC
5-6).
Kirk went straight to
the roots of American
tradition for his argument.
He approached history
as a narrative, plucking
seemingly incoherent
representatives from its
depths and using his own
perspective to weave them
together. His imagination
was heavily infuenced by a
sense of providential order.
Confdent that history, like the men acting within it,
was ordered by Providence, Kirk appears to feel no
scruples grounding abstract theory frmly within
conventional law. He was utterly unafraid to chalk
up the events of history to Gods work and let them
be. Morgan Knull of The Imaginative Conservative
writes, At the heart of Kirkian piety is a historical
consciousness, rooted in a sense of place and chastened
by labor and suffering, that locates our own struggle
within a larger tradition of human pilgrimage.
Kirk could afford to draw upon mutually accepted
values and argue from a highly contextualized
perspective when defending conservatism because
the majority of both conservative and liberal thinkers
of post-World War II America accepted the tenets of
traditional morality. American values were still seen
as things to be afrmed, accepted, and passed down
to future generations. Kirks conclusions were in
question, but the moral and traditional premises were
still widely accepted.
Todays liberal thought has rejected not only Kirks
conclusions, but his premises as well. Kirk was
addressing an America that had yet retained its sense
of self. His America had not yet rejected reality. Kirks
argument that natural law is manifest in conventional
law is no longer adequate. Tradition is no longer
sufcient. We must reach past history and fnd absolute
means by which to combat radically dehumanized
arguments.
Kirk, a man of immense genius, a man who
savored the beauty of subtle differentiation, can no
longer stand against the aggressive liberal ideology
with which we are confronted today. Liberalism
reduces all men to absolute, inhuman equality. It
denies completely the grounds upon which Kirk rested
his arguments. It defaces history, relentlessly droning
the anthem of progress, mindlessly urging men past
its complexities and vibrant nuances. There is no
room for individuality within the collective. There is
no allowance for differentiation where all mankind
is subsumed under the overwhelming tide of social
evolution.
Liberalism wishes to reduce America to abstract,
noncommittal notions of liberty, equality, and justice.
It is the duty of modern conservatism to hold them
absolutely accountable to reality, to remind them of
the laws of nature and of natures God. F
7
This article is adapted from a lecture given by Mr.
Meadowcroft to the Fairfeld Society.
Y
ou all have a vocation. Not just a future
calling for future fulfllment. You have
a vocation now. And while you each
possess a unique vocation, one that you
will fail or succeed in fulflling someday, now, in this
time and place, you share the call to be a student.
Whatever your plans, hopes, and dreams, by becoming
a Hillsdale student you have committed yourself, for a
time, to the intellectual life. Whatever Gods calling for
your future, his providence has placed you hear, now.
Embrace that vocation and work it out with fear and
trembling before God.
A French Dominican and Thomistic scholar, A. G.
Sertillanges wrote the 1946 book The Intellectual Life,
Its Spirit, Conditions, Methods. A practical treatise
for those wishing to dedicate their lives to scholarly
pursuits, those with a vocation to study beyond school,
The Intellectual Life nonetheless contains in its text
much applicable to the life of the student and invaluable
for their edifcation and encouragement. Read it. It is
hard and convicting and will do you good. That books
pages contain too much meat to digest all of it here; it
would be a meal too rich and long for a single sitting.
Let us look at a single line of ten words and see what
in them we may learn.
To have a vocation is to be obliged to perfection.
The vocation to be a student may be a vocation
of the moment, but it is as real in this moment as
any career or call to follow. In setting out on the path
of collegiate study, whether called to it or arriving
The Obligation of Perfection
BY MICAH MEADOWCROFT
8
by default, you have declared a goal. A
vocation can be defned as, Ones ordinary
occupation, business, or profession, and so
clearly a student has made study his vocation.
Yet, even disregarding this defnition and
considering the more providential, the fact
of being so called or directed towards a
special work in life; natural tendency to, or
ftness for, such work, one may consider
that one is most ft for the work that he fnds
before himself. Rest content in your present
state. As you are called student, so you are
called to study.
The vocation comes with an obligation. You
have set before yourself a work to complete
and an end to fulfll. Proverbs 18:9 says,
Whoever is slack in his work is a brother
to him who destroys. Here Solomon draws
the connection between good work and
completion. To work poorly to an end is to
never fulfll it, for the end of a thing is in
its perfecting. When one sets out to study,
to be a student, he rests under an obligation
to do his work well, for to not do so would
not bring his work to completion. The life of
a student bears responsibilities. Only in the
striving for perfection and mastery does a
student fulfll her vocation.
Yet that does not mean that students who
fall short of what their professors have classifed as the
culmination and perfection of their scholastic works
fail to fulfll the obligation of their vocation. The end
of the student is study, that is, learning and mastery.
Grades fulfll an ordering role in that process,
measuring the performance of the individual against
an ideal aggregate, but they are not themselves the telos
of study. The perfection of study is found in the full
application of each students talents and abilities. The
measure of completed study is to each one according
to his gifts. To have the vocation of student is to be
obliged to the perfection of study with a whole heart to
the best of ones ability.
You may readily assent to this. The ideal of ones
best may be one you hold, like me, unrealized in
much of life, but one that you nevertheless cherish. The
vocation of the student
is under constant
attack by the many
d i s t r a c t i o n s
of life. Many
are such as
are common
to all. Some
are particular
to individuals and
institutions. Hillsdale
students love of country, a
good thing of no negative effect upon the capacity for
perfected study, gives rise too often to an unhealthy
preoccupation with politics, whether national or state.
Notice I say preoccupation with politics. This is
not a critique of an educated awareness of the political
landscape. College students can vote. I hope they know
who for, what for, and why. The preoccupation with
politics is found wherever the intellectual eye is turned
outward to the cold mechanics of policy and campaign,
of ideology and partisanship, rather than inward to its
own growth. A mind called to the nurturing of itself,
called to study, fails when it occupies itself with the
world beyond its present state, beyond its vocation.
A focus on politics at Hillsdale, which may very well
be a persons vocation in the longer sense, is, in the
circumstance of the student called to study while at
school, both irresponsible and indicative of discontent.
The studious vocation requires contentment.
Only in contentment with present circumstances can
studies be brought to a full completion. A student who
fnds herself at Hillsdale should rest content in the
calling to be a Hillsdale student. The responsibility of
that student is her obligation to work wholeheartedly
and labor diligently in her studies, perfecting and
completing her work in the full application of those
gifts and abilities she has been given. To become
preoccupied with politics is to become unsatisfed
with the present life of study before bringing this
vocation of the moment to its completion. It is to
disregard the responsibility to fully commit the self to
the obligations of study and to become slack in ones
work to become brother to one who destroys. It is
to not fulfll ones vocation to be a Hillsdale student. F
In setting
out on the path of
collegiate study, whether
called to it or arriving
by default, you have
declared a goal.
9
Polanyi and Spontaneous Order
BY DEVIN CREED
F
.A. Hayek typically
receives credit for the
term spontaneous
order, but the term
actually originated from
none other than Michael
Polanyi, the great
Hungarian polymath.
Although referenced by
both men in the 1940s, the
term spontaneous order
did not receive explicit use
until Polanyis 1951 book The
Logic of Liberty. Hayek, on the
other hand, did not pen the term
until his 1960 book The Constitution
of Liberty. Drawing from Polanyis works, I
hope to show how Polanyis conception
of spontaneous order reaches further
than Hayeks idea of the term.
Michael Polanyi (1891-1976)
was a physical chemist who was
on a track to win the Nobel Prize
in chemistry. When the Nazis
came to power in Germany,
he accepted a professorial chair
in England and soon became
increasingly interested in social
sciences and philosophy. His new-
found interests eventually led him to
abandon publishing scientifc articles in
lieu of writing books on economics, politics,
and philosophy. He often drew on his experience
in the scientifc community to explain concepts in
these disciplines. His most famous work, Personal
Knowledge, provides a ground-breaking view of
epistemology that infuenced the rest of his writings.
Although relatively unknown, Polanyis conception
of spontaneous order is more comprehensive and
inspiring than Hayeks.
Polanyi has a similar understanding of
spontaneous order in
economics to Hayek. He
afrms the working of the
price system by saying that
each consumer adjusts his
purchases to the ruling
price, which he affects in
his turn by his purchases
(The Logic of Liberty
145). This system leads to
a series of continuously
repeated mutual interactions
that tend to produce a
distribution of resources in which
each element of resource is used by
producers to the greatest satisfaction of
the consumers (Growth of Thought in Society
436). In a nutshell, the collective actions
of individuals work to distribute
resources across the economy in an
efcient manner.
Yet Polanyi does not stop at
applying his idea of spontaneous
order to economics. He thinks
the concept has merit in law as
well. He argues, [The] operation
of Common Law thus constitutes
a sequence of adjustments
between succeeding judges, guided
by a parallel interaction between
the judges and the general public. The
result is the ordered growth of the Common
Law, steadily re-applying and re-interpreting the
same fundamental rules and expanding them thus to
a system of increasing scope and consistency (The
Logic of Liberty 199). In making their judgments,
judges refer to laws from previous cases, which
in turn modifes all previous rulings in a manner
similar to the way every purchase modifes the price
in a market.
Polanyi experienced frsthand the workings of
10
spontaneous order in the scientifc community.
Scientists select their feld of concentration based on
their intellectual passions. They study their chosen
subject within the framework of the scientifc methods
and procedures accepted by the feld. If they make a
discovery, it is based on the history of discoveries in the
feld. Once a scientist makes progress in a discovery,
he immediately places his fndings in front of his
colleagues for their evaluation. In this way, a scientists
discoveries are constantly honed and improved by his
contemporaries. Polanyi concludes that science is
thus seen to be growing by the characteristic process
producing dynamic order. New scientifc claims are
made in due consideration of all previously established
ones, and the results thus obtained continuously
modify the previously achieved positions of science
(The Growth of Thought in Society 437). Polanyi
believes scientifc knowledge is dispersed in a way
similar to Hayeks argument that economic knowledge
is scattered throughout society:
[S]cientifc opinion is an opinion not held
by any single human mind, but one which,
split into thousands of fragments, is held by
a multitude of individuals, each of whom
endorses the others opinions at second
hand, by relying on the consensual chains
which link him to all the others through
a sequence of overlapping neighborhoods.
(The Republic of Science 4)
Hayek and Polanyi think alike on the subject of
dispersed knowledge, each emphasizing their favored
discipline.
Where Hayek stops at economics, Polanyi
recognizes that spontaneous order applies throughout
human society. He claims, The coordinating functions
of the market are but a special case of coordination by
mutual adjustment (The Republic of Science 2). The
spontaneous ordering of the economy is a simplifcation
of a larger principle that orders everything in society.
This principle works in this way: self coordination of
independent initiatives leads to a joint result which is
unpremeditated by any of those who bring it about.
Their coordination is guided as by an invisible hand
towards the joint discovery of a hidden system of
things (The Republic of Science 1). Polanyi believes
economists restrain this greater principle by limiting
its application to the market: the self-coordination of
independent scientists embodies a higher principle, a
principle which is reduced to the mechanism of the
market when applied to the production and distribution
of material goods (The Republic of Science 10).
The reduction of the principle of spontaneous order
prevented economists reaching the additional logical
conclusions of own arguments.
Polanyi claims that spontaneous ordering can
explain the ultimate striving of a free society towards
truth. Society reaches truth through constant mutual
adjustments and improvements. He writes, In this
view of a free society, both its liberties and its servitudes
are determined by its striving for self-improvement,
which in its turn is determined by the intimations of
truths yet to be revealed, calling on men to reveal
them (The Republic of Science 10). The free society
constantly searches for self-improvement in all its
facets. Spontaneous order is the principle that explains
this outcome occurs in society without the central
planning of any individual or set of individuals. Hayek
and other economists did not realize the breadth of
the principle they used to explain markets. But Polanyi
did. F
Polanyi believes scientific knowledge is dispersed
in a way similar to Hayeks argument that economic
knowledge is scattered throughout society.
11
A Discourse on Discourse
BY JAMES INWOOD
T
. odays America is a bitterly polarized society.
When people argue politics, they do so
presuming that to disagree the other person
must either be stupid or malevolent. If someone is
prominent in an opposing party, their motivations
immediately become suspect; anything they propose
to do is considered a conspiracy to destroy goodness
and trash America. Whenever something bad happens,
it becomes either part of their plan or evidence that
they are just too stupid to hold power or infuence.
The political forum is disgraceful on todays great
battlefeld of ideas, the internet. Coherent thought
or actual evidence is a rarity. Name-calling and
profanity grace the screen. Most seem unable to use
the language correctly, and many compensate by
capitalizing everything, since victory clearly goes to
he who yells loudest. If the reader gets lucky, the odd
post in the Queens English might be something other
than a proof that statesman X is the Anti-Christ.
Electoral victory goes to whichever candidate
manages to say nothing with the biggest smile.
Speeches rarely have any substance, instead relying
on marginally relevant anecdotes and sometimes-
clever slogans. In debates, candidates never fail to
divert any question to a prepared speech, focus-group
tested and approved. The objective of everything
they say is to prove that they care about you and
progress and America, unlike that inept fool across the
stage. The ambitious might even
think of a clever gotcha
line and thereby secure
victory from the
entertainment-driven
electorate. Anyone with concrete proposals, however,
should give up before they embarrass themselves by
using too many dweeby graphs or basic economic
principles.
But before contemporary America drowns in
self-pity, she should remember this is the result of
human nature. Consequently, humanity has been
here before. Even from the earliest days of our
republic, polarization and partisanship ruled the day.
Remember the Revolution and those Tories who so
hated liberty and justice? The historically literate know
better: typical loyalists feared revolutionary excess or
held traditional beliefs about authority and rebellion.
But many patriots, hearing mostly Adams and Paine,
concluded that a loyalist was by defnition a traitor and
frequently tarred and feathered such men for their
politics.
One might look to the post-war founding era as
the golden age of republican politics. Fine works like
the Federalist Papers and their equally well-crafted
opposition response might seem to justify such a
stance if one ignores the occasional popular uprising
against government schemes to enslave the common
man with debt and whiskey taxes. But by the election
of 1800, the argument was that though His Rotundity
John Adams was a closet monarchist, the atheist
Thomas Jefferson had a taste for slave girls.
America overcame such rhetoric for a few years after
the War of 1812, but only because the Democratic-
Republicans were the only
national party
a r o u n d .
Even that
icon of American
rhetoric, the
Gettysburg Address,
was a pretty
speech with little
substance.
Regardless, factions sprang up soon enough, and
the rhetoric got so bad that accusations of bigamy
and living in sin stressed Rachael Jackson into a
heart attack. At the same time, her husbands men
avoided engaging President Adams by lampooning his
proposed national observatories as lighthouses of the
sky. The same thing happened when Jackson took
on the Bank of the United States: his opponents were
called pawns of the Bank while he was named a
pawn of New Yorks envy-and-greed driven bankers.
The examples continue throughout our history,
especially during the long era of party newspapers.
In Hillsdale, one might go years reading the political
insights of the Whig-Standard and belief that all
Democrats were belligerent simpletons, or faithfully
follow the Herald-Democrat and never doubt that
Abraham Lincoln was a negro-lover trying to tear
apart the Constitution. The whole sectional period
itself is an exemplar of political discourse gone wrong:
each side was so sure of the others malice that they
split and killed a half-million men in the process.
Even that icon of American rhetoric, the Gettysburg
Address, was a pretty speech with little substance.
Lincoln claimed that the Confederacy was trying to
destroy America, an absolute absurdity, and that he
was fghting a war for democracydemocracy being
39 of the electorate empowering someone to violently
override the democratic decisions of state legislatures.
Though a beautiful piece, it is the distant ancestor of
our modern fuff speeches.
The subsequent era of machine politics differs
from today only in degree. While todays parties love
to slander opposition candidates, every candidate used
to accuse every other candidate of being machine
pawns and having multiple mistresses. Just as todays
debaters might just shout Reagan! and Roosevelt! at
each other, the Republican Party campaigned almost
entirely on Lincolns mantle, just as the Democrats
pointed towards Jefferson and Jackson as sufcient
justifcation for election.
Like today, people discussed meaningful issues and
principles only when radicals hijacked the party. But
todays Tea Party is nothing next to the Prohibitionists,
who preferred to argue not with empty talk, but
by raiding saloons and trashing liquor stocks. The
Republicans were fortunate in that their radical
offshoots never got far politically; the Democratic
Party, however, frequently fell under the sway of
Greenbackers, Populists, and others whose argument
consisted largely of utopian promises and accusations
that everyone else was a pawn of Wall Street.
The following generations were no exception to the
rule. In the 1920s, many folks got their politics from
the Ku Klux Klan and would vote based on a candidates
personal views. Even in the midst of the supposed
New Deal consensus, some children from Republican
families stood up and clapped in school when they
announced Franklin Roosevelts death. Every election
after that war was life-or-death: Democratic victory
meant communism and Republican victory meant
World War III. The re-election campaigns of Lyndon
Johnson and Richard Nixon are especially good
examples of this tactic.
The fact of the matter is that there never was a
golden age of civil discourse; what we have today is
more or less what weve always had. The times change,
but humanity doesnt. Because man is a fallen creature,
his life as a political animal has always been the tale
of the partisan animal, and no doubt always will be.
While pursuing intelligent dialogue in our own lives is
a virtue, a world of intelligent debate among informed
citizens is a utopia in the truest sense of the word. F
13
Coffee
SMACKDOWN
T
h
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H

l
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s
d
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F
oru
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s
CAMPUS
A
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b
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M
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P
r
o

Maddie Overholtzer
WHY DRINK
COFFEE?
Coffee is preferable to tea because it
carries with it a tradition of culture,
history, and general pretension. It has
been an icon of hipsters, college stu-
dents, academics, and bitter pts for
hundreds of years. It has a rich, dark
flavor that warms one up from the inside
and it has more caffeine. The aroma is
unbeatable. Coffee is good for you too,
with all sorts of great antioxidants
that can stab cancer in the face. Cof-
fee is also a great metaphor for some-
ones preference in men, i.e.: I like my
men strong, dark, and bitter. In short,
why wouldnt one want to measure ones
life in coffee spoons?
WHY SHOULDNT YOU DRINK
TEA?

Tea shouldnt be the drink of choice for
a number of reasons. Besides the fact
that it is tasteless and for this reason
is often drowned in cream and sugar, it
just dsnt have the kick of coffee. It
has only half of the caffeine content
and none of the flavor. It is watery
and bland. Coffee is a drink enjoyed
by the more hip masses, whereas tea is
just plain and boring, enjoyed by young
women who actually like sitting around
and thinking about the numbers of cats
they want when theyre fifty. Coffee
drinkers are actual cats; cool cats who
listen to strange music and wear tight
pants and moldy sweaters.
14
Tea
SMACKDOWN
nov. 2013
C
o

p
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b
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L
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C
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u
z
Gwendolyn Stoldt
vs.
WHY DRINK TEA?

Tea is basically the elixir of life, thats
why! Several types of tea exist for ev-
ery mood, whether youre looking for
the super caffeinated Yorkshire Gold
to get you through an 8 a.m. class or a
fun fruit flavored herbal or spearmint
to drink when it rains outside. Like the
British suggest, tea solves pretty much
every problem. It is a comfort to have a
cuppa when I get stressed, but drinking
tea means more than that.
Drinking tea creates the lovely tra-
dition of gathering together and cele-
brating with othersthey call them tea
parties for a reason! Drinking tea is a
cultured choice.
WHY SHOULDNT YOU DRINK
COFFEE?

I dont understand how people could
willingly drink cups of stuff that look
and smell like tar. And dont give me all
that nonsense about adding milk, sugar,
and caramel sauce. Ive heard of sever-
al people telling me they have switched
to tea because they think it is better
for themI cant think of anyone who
has switched to coffee to improve their
health.
When you drink coffee, just look at who
your company is: hipsters and students
pulling all-nighters and those trying to
sober up. Basically, coffee drinkers are
strugglingdont be one of them, drink
tea!
15
Lambasting Straussians
BY BRETT WIERENGA
P
aul Gottfried is not impressed by the Straussian
project. His latest book, Leo Strauss and the
Conservative Movement in America, is part
history, part polemic, and part intellectual version of
Mythbusters. For anyone confused by the Straussian
debate that occasionally rears its head on our campus,
this book is a great place to start, but a terrible place
to end. Gottfried presents an adequate overview of
the intellectual debate, and the
dramatic one-sidedness of his
critique refects well the divide
between Straussians and their
conservative critics. That said,
Gottfrieds overgeneralizations
and accusations are tinged with
a bitterness that undermines
any easy confdence in his
judgments.
Gottfrieds polemic is less
a well-honed blade than a
pack of grenades. A book this
short might have been better
served by a central thesis
rather than a general topic.
Gottfried spends one chapter
on Strauss himself, two on his
method and its critique, one
on the Straussians politics,
and the last on the overarching
Straussian project.
For the uninitiated, the
chapters on the Straussian
method will prove the most helpful. For veterans,
Gottfrieds argument is a familiar one. Planting his fag
frmly on the side of the historically-minded right,
Gottfried criticizes Leo Strauss interpretive method,
or hermeneutic, which Strauss and his intellectual
descendants have applied to a plethora of great thinkers
from Plato onward. In caricature, this esoteric method
is based on the idea that great thinkers of the past were
often unable to fully express their ideas because of
the intellectual oppression of the prevailing tradition
or religion. So they hid their true beliefs within more
conformist writing, only to be discovered by those
who were privy to the secret conversation. Strauss
own reading of Spinoza, Maimonides, and Plato
encouraged his followers to apply this method to many
others, with sometimes absurd results.
Claiming to speak for critics on the far-right,
Gottfried claims that the massive failure of the Straussians
and their methodology is
their disregard for historical
context. Every author writes
in a certain time and civil
environment for a certain
audience, and any assessment
of the authors intention is
incomplete without adequate
historical knowledge of context
or purpose. Straussians
conservative critics prefer
particular, historic knowledge
to abstract universal
ideals, such as prescribed,
historically-based liberties
to abstract natural rights.
In terms of the American
Founding, Straussians are
prone to downplaying the
historical infuences of
Protestantism, for example,
and emphasizing the abstract
concepts of the Declaration of
Independence.
Gottfrieds criticism of Straussians themselves,
however, is perniciously less precise. At least he is
willing to distinguish between Strauss and his students.
Leo Strauss, to whose intellectual biography Gottfried
devotes an entire chapter, had greater erudition than
his students and came out of a richer cultural world.
In many cases, Strauss simply celebrated philosophers
without using them for his own political purposes, and
his use of his esoteric method was more careful than
his students use.
review
16
On the other hand, in Gottfrieds mind Straussians
are all agnostic, liberal internationalist, neocon, pro-
Israel Democrats who only switched to the Republican
Party when the Left got soft on foreign policy. Their
heroes include, not only Lincoln and Churchill, but
also FDR and Woodrow Wilson, and they want to
spread democracy to the four corners of the earth.
They tend to dominate certain political science
departments and publishing vehicles and thuggishly
ignore the historical rights critique. Gottfrieds
problems go beyond the intellectual to the personal;
such an overgeneralization breaks down in under
almost any pressure.
Because of these gross generalizations, it is tough
to separate Gottfrieds criticism from his cynicism as
he summarizes the Straussian project. According to
Gottfried, the defning characteristic of the Straussian
project is not a conservative march into the past
towards the ancients they so often reference, it is
a celebration of the American present. Although
modernity is full of scary nihilist and historicist
philosophy, it has also produced Anglo-American
democracyits felix culpa or happy mistake. This
form of government, which emphasizes equality and
natural rights, is a bulwark against destructive forms
of modernity, and we must protect it with civics and
history lessons on men like Lincoln and Churchill.
Consequently, Strauss attacked the new political
science for its value-free approach, since it undermines
its own regime with its own relativism. We must
return to the old political science, which recognizes
a common good and teaches that some things are
intrinsically high and others are intrinsically low.
Accusing the American Political Science Association of
shirking its responsibility to protect American liberal
democracy against the USSR, Strauss famously said
of the new political science that it does not know that
it fddles, and it does not know that Rome burns.
That accusation points to an important question in the
study of history: can we learn great moral truths from
history, or is it just one damned thing after another?
A fnal, unfortunate note: in his book Gottfried
accuses the Claremont Institute of being progressive
on issues of race. It is not clear what Gottfried means,
but given his history of association with people who
believe in real intelligence differences between races,
I have a sneaking suspicion that I too have progressive
views on race. F
C
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b
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R
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s
Hunk & Hottie
hillsdales
of the month
Salem
Baer
Danny
Drummond
HOW DID YOU GET TO BE SO HOT?
Id have to credit most of it to my homeschool
education.
IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE ELSE ON THIS
CAMPUS FOR A DAY, WHO WOULD YOU BE
& WHY?
Probably Danny Drummond, hes so hot right
now.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO
OTHER FRESHMEN TO BE AS HOT AS YOU?
Dont do drugs, stay in school!
IS IT DIFFICULT TO BE BOTH A FRESHMAN
AND A GINGER?
Some days I feel like Im fghting a downhill
battle, but hey, this is my life. Gingers such as
Elizabeth Green and Garrett Holt have really
inspired me though,
I hear they were once
freshman as well and they
seem to be doing great in life
now!
ITS THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.
IN TEN WORDS, WHAT IS THE
FIRST THING YOU DO?
Throw a chair through the fshbowl.
CAKE OR PIE, AND WHY?
Pie, hands down. Ive never eaten a piece
of cake that had the proper frosting-cake
ratio. You dont run into that problem with
pie though.
HOW DID YOU GET TO BE SO HOT?
Well, I decided one day to be an offensive
lineman, and, with offensive linemen,
hotness pretty much comes with the
territory.
IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE ELSE ON
THIS CAMPUS FOR A DAY, WHO
WOULD YOU BE & WHY?
I would be either Alex Buchmann
or Jake Bull. I would want to
experience how it feels to be the two
best Improv guys on campus!
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE
TO OTHER FRESHMEN TO BE
AS HOT AS YOU?
Tris for the guys, and curls for
the girls!
IS IT DIFFICULT TO BE BOTH A
FRESHMAN AND A GINGER?
In a way it is difcult. When people frst
see us gingers, a misinformed culture
begs them to assume that we have no souls
(which is, of course, FALSE!!), and so it
takes much perseverance on our part to
convince them otherwise.
ITS THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. IN
TEN WORDS, WHAT IS THE FIRST
THING YOU DO?
18-holes, no cart, Augusta National,
its on!
CAKE OR PIE, AND WHY?
Cake is usually my go-to. I have always
been a frosting guy (cream cheese
frosting is my favorite), and those corner
pieces are just tough to beat!
freshman from ny
freshman from
chicago, il




















P
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Tragically Hp
BY SARAH ALBERS




















P
H
O
T
O
B
Y LAUREN W
IE
R
E
N
G
A
I
f youre
re adi ng
this col-
umn, I am going to
assume that you are,
on some level, desper-
ate. Fear not, would-be hip-
sters! This is a good thing. All true hipsters are clos-
eted gluttons for peer validation. Just try defending a
mainstream artist while your indie kid test subject of
choice is surrounded by sneering, denim-clad hench-
men and youll see what I mean.
The frst rule: avoid enthusiasm at all costs. Its like
fear or weakness. They can smell it on you, despite the
fact that none of you have bathed since last Tuesday. If
pressed to render praise, be sure to temper it with a
pejorative comparison to some more obscure object of
equal or lesser value.
The second rule: begin a strict diet of Pabst Blue
Ribbon and cheap cigarette smoke. Youve got to ft
into those skinny jeans somehow, bucko.
The third rule: acquire a working knowledge of the
blogosphere and associated internet arts culture. Ob-
tuse conversational references to said body of knowl-
edge often prove to be a bonus.
The fourth rule: take up a quasi-artistic activity of
your choice. (Instagrams flters make photography a
popular option). If utterly devoid of creativity, hipster
proteges may also resort to simply combining organic
fruits and/or vegetables with quinoa and posting about
their culinary exploits.
The ffth rule: listen to the following songs. Con-
vince your new friends that you actually discovered
them through some music blog in Seattle. When they
ask what the name of the site was, consummate your
indie kid metamorphosis with a dismissive a fip of
your fringed bangs.
Oh, youve probably never heard of it. F
Haims Days Are Gone
First let me say that HAIM is one of the most insanely over-buzzed
bands in recent memory. Let me say also that HAIM is one of the
best pop groups in recent memory. Their debut full-length, Days Are
Gone, is guitar pop as it should be. These girls love what theyre doing,
and theyve been doing it for a long time. Their hooks are tight, the
harmonies effortless, and their energy absolutely irrepressible.
Daughters If You Leave
Daughter recently released the frst advance of their upcoming full-
length, and boy is it good. Their tracks are delicate, dark, and breath-
takingly gorgeous. Earlier work, like that on The Wild Youth EP, is
heartbreaking. The vocals, honest and raw, hover at times barely above
a whisper. On If You Leave, Elena Tonra has honed her craft. Feeling
depressed never felt so good.
Five Simple Rules for Gaining Indie Cred
19
music
S
H
O
R
T

S
T
O
R
Y
C
O
N
T
E
S
T
WINN
E
R
!
Lemons
L
emons.
There are, on occasion, in a small glass
bowl to the left side of the iced tea, lemons in
our college cafeteria. That. That, my friend,
is how you can tell that there are donors, or
parents, or prospective students in town.

The details, the small thingsthey really do
count. Who knows, lemons really could be
what convinces an all-state athlete, with a 4.0
GPA, to come to Hillsdale College. Of course,
he wont know that it was the lemons, or the
moulding along the edge of the wall and the
ceiling in the Student Union, or the slightly
more purple petunias off to the side of the eagle
statue. But theythe petunias, or the moulding,
or the lemons (probably the lemons)may be
the fnal push, the sweet and tangy fnal push
that convince Dash Johnson, the captain of his
football team since sophomore year and the
heartthrob of McKinney High in Pensacola,
Washington, to sign his blue and white letter
of intent.

The only problem with lemons, though, is
that you only notice them after theyre gone.
Maybe Dash wont pay the lemons more than a
passing glance when he takes one at Distinguished
Scholars Weekend, or even when theyre not
here for his frst few weeks of freshman year.
But hes sure to be pleasantly surprised when
the lemons come backwhen the new Dash
Johnsonthe Dash Johnson of the class of 2017,
or 2018, or whatever other year, has come to
town. Yes, our Dash will certainly be pleasantly
surprised, and hell wonder why there are
lemons again. Hell wonder more about the
lemons when theyre gone the next day, and,
for a while, he wont really understand those
lemons, mostly because he doesnt play baseball
(the new Dash does), and he doesnt know that
the newest class of soon-to-graduate heartthrob
geniuses is eating nearby in the private dining
room. But then, he will wake up one Saturday
on parents weekend, and the lemons will be
back. Only this time, Dashs mother will be in
town, and she will comment on how nice it is
that the college gives its students lemons with
their iced tea. And Dash will also notice that the
food is a little nicer, and that the dish carousel
isnt quite as messy, and that the bananas are a
little riper. But mostly he will notice the lemons.
And as he stares at the thin yellow citrus wedge
foating in his drink, he will fnally understand
what the lemons mean. They are the lemons
of oppression, and of beguilement, and of
liesthey are shined with the waxy polish of
Orwellian academia, nourished on the forgetful
liquors of the Lethe River and delivered in a
crystal bowl by Salome herself.
But Dash will keep sipping his iced tea, and
take the lemons when he can get them, because
lemons are tangy, and make the iced tea go
down a little more sweetly.
by Ian Atherton
20
Interview with the Author
WHATS YOUR NORMAL WRITING PROCESS? DO
YOU HAVE ONE?
Lemons was a funny oneI needed to submit a writing
sample for the work Im doing with the schools social
media program, so I sat down to write something.
A lot of times when I write a paper, Ill let my mind
wander for a while and Ill end up with an academic
paper that turns academic about halfway through, the
frst half is just stupid poetic musing. So Lemons was
the frst half of that writing process. A little while later
I was reading through and thought, I actually have
something here! and I edited it again and, almost on
a whim, submitted it.
FOR THIS SPECIFIC STORY, WHAT WAS YOUR
INSPIRATION?
Really, it was just the lemons. Freshman year I
remember walking into Saga on a Sunday morning
and I got some iced tea and there was a bowl of lemons
there. I grabbed one, I knocked that drink down, and
as I sat there I thought, This is great, iced tea and
lemons. When I came back on Monday, really pumped
for the lemons, they werent there. As it happened,
that weekend the college had hosted something like
Distinguished Scholars Weekend or a CCA.
WHAT DO YOU USE FOR WRITING? PEN AND
PAPER,
DO YOU WANT TO BE A WRITER?
I would love nothing more than to be a writer. I think,
knowing the path that lies ahead for that, it is a very
long one, but to be a great writer has always been a
dream of mine.
DO YOU THINK YOUR WORK IN SOCIAL MEDIA
FOR THE COLLEGE HELPS YOU WITH YOUR
MORE CREATIVE WRITING?
I think so. Last semester I went a long time without
having to write a paper. I fnally sat down to write one,
actually for Dr. Somervilles class, and I realized that
I had all the ideasthe trouble was getting them into
words. Ive heard the quote from Oscar Wilde, All bad
poetry comes from genuine feeling. The ideasthe
feelings, were all there, but the expression wasnt what
it needed to be. I started to realize that not being in
practice means that the vocabulary and the sentence
structure and the general organization just arent
there, you have to access a certain schema of thought.
To speak psychologically, those neural connections
just werent fring. But working with the social media
team, and writing for them, keeps me in practice.
DO YOU WANT TO BE A WRITER?
I would love nothing more than to be a writer. I think,
knowing the path that lies ahead for that, it is a very
long one, but to be a great writer has always been a
dream of mine.
WHO DO YOU LOOK TO FOR INSPIRATION?
My favorite poet is John Keats, Ive had a great love
for the British romantics for a long timethey were
really the frst time to get me interested in the literary
world. More recently Ive really come to appreciate
the warmth of southern storytelling. Somervilles
class helped me along thereTwain is just excellent.
This semester Ive also spent a lot of time reading
Emerson, and hes really the frst philosopher to catch
my interest.
21
Junior Ian Atherton is an English major and Vice
President of Alpha Tau Omege Fraternity, where he
oversees the houses internal affairs. He took a break
from schoolwork and intramural sports to sit down
with The Forum to discuss his winning short story,
Lemons. F
Spotlight on Shooting
BY LORRYN CRUZ
SHAUN LICHTI
MCLAIN MAC DRIVER
BEN ALBERS
IS THERE A SIMILARITY BETWEEN
SHOOTING GUNS AND PICTURES?
Tere defnitely are similarities between shooting
guns and cameras. From a technical standpoint,
many of the strategies to eliminate superfuous
motion from your grip are the same. I frequently
fnd myself hearing my fathers voice in my head
as I shoot with my camera: Brace it carefully
good, now gently begin pulling back on the
trigger. Slowly add more pressure continuously,
wait for the clickmake sure you dont mash
the trigger. Te same processes that help you
achieve a accurate shot with a weapon also help
eliminate blur and other unwanted issues during
photography.
WHAT DO YOU ENJOY ABOUT SHOOTING?
Photography is extremely important to me. Not
only is it a beautiful way to capture the natural
world around me, but it is also a way to express
myself. Te images that I create have signifcance
to me, and going out to shoot photos is ofen
therapeutic and relaxing. Even if its a stressful
shoot, it is ultimately rewarding.
WHAT IS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT
REALIZATION YOUVE HAD WHILE
SHOOTING?
Shooting my frst gun as a young boy, who
had heard a lot about bad guys with guns, I
understood what guns meant to those who would
use them for evil compared those who would use
them for just causes. Guns are an equalizer. I kept
asking myself, Why did no one at the Columbine
have a gun to shoot back at the attackers? I
couldnt fully understand it at the time of course.
But it made sense to me that guns could even
the playing feld in any sort of life-threatening
situation. Of course I also learned that it was just
plain fun to shoot stuf.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO
PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GET
INVOLVED IN SHOOTING?
My advice to anyone getting involved in shooting
is be safe, stable, and responsible. Shooting is
not for the faint of heart nor the irresponsible.
Shooting is fun, but it comes with extraordinary
responsibility.
HOW AND WHEN DID YOU LEARN TO
SHOOT?
My frst experience with competitive shooting
began at the age of 12, shooting smallbore rife
competitions through 4-H. I transitioned to pistol
at 15, and have stayed there ever since. I have been
competing in several diferent Olympic Pistol
disciplines for two and a half years now, and had
the honor of earning a spot on the National Junior
Team while competing in the 2012 USA Shooting
National Championships at Fort Benning, GA.
I have since aged out of the Junior category, and
my present goal is to qualify for the Olympic
Development Team.
WHAT DO YOU ENJOY MOST ABOUT
SHOOTING?
Te concentration and discipline required to
execute each and every shot with accuracy and
precision, even while stressed or in front of a big
crowd. Perhaps the greatest joy of shooting is not
the competition, but simply being in the company
of competitors.
spotlight
satire
Admissions Office Records
BY ANDY REUSS
The following story was found among the many records
of the Hillsdale Admissions Ofce. Dated Wednesday,
17 October 2012, it is an account of an exchange
between a soon-after fred student ambassador and a
prospective student and his parents. Reader discretion
advised.
I
knew to pay attention the moment I heard his voice
echo through the 2nd foor hallway of Strosacker.
One part soothing or irritating, three parts obnoxious
or sensuous, the frst thing it announced to my ears
was the proclamation Hey! You look like you could
cook some meth!
The uncomfortable chuckle that followed gave me
the confrmation I needed: he was giving a tour.
Two ruddy-faced adults and one wide-eyed young
man rounded the corner, appearing next to the
straight-laced and well-intentioned tour guide.
So you mean to say that these classes are only
taught in order to train classical and charter school
science teachers? asked the woman, as she happily
nudged her son and nodded his way.
Oh yes! Hillsdales charter school initiative is taking
off across the nation, and the demand for liberally
educated teachers is quickly growing! A foundation in
our western heritage and American exceptionalism is
essential to a well-rounded teacher, and a rudimentary
grasp of science or something like it is very helpful to
that goal.
Concerned, the young man glanced skeptically
towards the open lab door, and pointed at the students
working at the station: You mean to tell me that
they arent actually doing research, but are simply
preparing for teaching careers as elementary school
science teachers?
Exactly! Now youre getting it. Part of the stated
purpose of the founders of the college was to furnish
all persons who wish, irrespective of nation, color, or
sex, a literary and scientifc education. Why do you
think original scientifc research would be a component
of the mission of the college?
Dumbstruck, the prospective could do nothing but
stare at the ambassador, who continued to blunder
along when he said, A little bit of history for you
all: Strosacker, this building, was actually built in the
1960s. Now, youve probably made the connection: its
no coincidence that it was built near the period of
the sexual revolution. It seems our college was not
immune to the cultural indecency that swept across
the nation.
The walrus-stached father piped in, So why is it
still standing? I mean, it seems that if it were to be
removed, the opportunity for such meaningless studies
would be removed too. More students might be turned
from frivolous sciences and choose the humanities
instead.
Thats a great question. Personally, I still hold out
hope that the building will be razed and the Liberty
Walk extended, perhaps with a statue of William
Jennings Bryan or the like. And, if you promise
not to tell anyone I told you so, rumor has it that
the greenhouse might be sold to Saga and used to
grow coffee beans to fuel the English and Philosophy
departments!
Now young man, I recall that you said you are a
sophomore here. What did you say your major is?
Politics, maam. Im a Politics major, I plan to go
to law school, and with my liberal arts education and
legal expertise, I will bring down the debaucherous
Progressive regime that has a stranglehold on the
noble American people.
The mother could hardly contain herself as a small
cheer escaped her lips, and the father teared up as he
tried not to clap.
The son began to laugh.
Appearing slightly confused, the ambassador took
the laugh to indicate support and proceeded to join in,
before he began to lead the family out the doors.
Anyway, well head over to where true academics
take place, Kendall. F
23
Hllsdale in Art
BY TRACY BRANDT