Forrest Gump

Winston Groom
Pocket Books (November 1994)
Language: English
ISBN1!: !"#1$%"!"$
ISBN1&: 9#'!"#1$%"!"
(or )imbo *ea+or an+ ,eorge -a+cli../ho have al/a0s ma+e a 1oint o. being kin+ to
(orrest an+ his .rien+s2
3here is a 1leasure sure in being ma+ /hich none but ma+men kno/2
4r0+en
1
Let me sa0 this: bein a i+iot is no bo5 o. chocolates2 Peo1le laugh6 lose 1atience6 treat
0ou shabb02 No/ the0 sa0s .olks s1ose+ to be kin+ to the a..licte+6 but let me tell 0ouit
ain7t al/a0s that /a02 Even so6 I got no com1laints6 cause I reckon I +one live a 1rett0
interestin li.e6 so to s1eak2
I been a i+iot since I /as born2 *0 I8 is near #!6 /hich 9uali.ies me6 so the0 sa02
Probl06 tho6 I7m closer to bein a imbecile or ma0be even a moron6 but 1ersonall06 I7+
rather think o. m0se. as like a hal./it 6 or somethinan not no i+iotcause /hen 1eo1le
think o. a i+iot6 more7n likel0 the0 be thinkin o. one o. them *ongolian i+iots the ones
/ith the0 e0es too close together /hat look like :hinamen an +rool a lot an 1la0 /ith
the0sel.s2
No/ I7m slo/I7ll grant 0ou that6 but I7m 1robl0 a lot brighter than .olks think6 cause
/hat goes on in m0 min+ is a sight +i..erent than /hat .olks see2 (or instance6 I can
think things 1rett0 goo+6 but /hen I got to tr0 sa0in or /ritin them6 it kin+a come out
like ;ello or somethin2 I7ll sho/ 0ou /hat I mean2
3he other +a06 I7m /alkin +o/n the street an this man /as out /orkin in his 0ar+2 <e7+
got hisse. a bunch o. shrubs to 1lant an he sa0 to me6 =(orrest6 0ou /anna earn some
mone0>= an I sa0s6 =?hhuh6= an so he sets me to movin +irt2 4amn near ten or t/elve
/heelbarro/s o. +irt6 in the heat o. the +a06 truckin it all over creation2 @hen I7m thru he
reach in his 1ocket .or a +ollar2 @hat I shoul+a +one /as raise+ :ain about the lo/
/ages6 but instea+6 I took the +amn +ollar an all I coul+ sa0 /as =thanks= or somethin
+umbsoun+in like that6 an I /ent on +o/n the street6 /a++in an un/a++in that +ollar in
m0 han+6 .eelin like a i+iot2
Aou see /hat I mean>
No/ I kno/ somethin bout i+iots2 Probl0 the onl0 thing I +o kno/ bout6 but I +one rea+
u1 on emall the /a0 .rom that 4o0cheeeveskie gu07s i+iot6 to Bing Lear7s .ool6 an
(aulkner7s i+iot6 Ben;ie6 an even ole Boo -a+le0 in 3o Bill a *ockingbir+ no/ he /as
a serious i+iot2 3he one I like best tho is ole Lennie in C. *ice an *en 2 *os o. them
/riter .ellers got it straightcause their i+iots al/a0s smarter than 1eo1le give em cre+it
.or2 <ell6 I7+ agree /ith that2 Dn0 i+iot /oul+2 <ee <ee2
@hen I /as born6 m0 mama name me (orrest6 cause o. ,eneral Nathan Be+.or+ (orrest
/ho .ought in the :ivil @ar2 *ama al/a0s sai+ /e /as kin to ,eneral (orrest7s .ambl0
some/a0s2 Dn he /as a great man6 she sa06 ce1t7n he starte+ u1 the Bu Blu5 Blan a.ter
the /ar /as over an even m0 gran+mama sa0 the07s a bunch o. nogoo+s2 @hich I
/oul+ ten+ to agree /ith6 cause +o/n here6 the ,ran+ E5alte+ Pish1osh6 or /hatever he
calls hisse.6 he o1erate a gun store in to/n an once6 /hen I /as ma0be t/elve 0ear ole6 I
/ere /alkin b0 there an+ lookin in the /in+er an he got a big hangman7s noose strung
u1 insi+e2 @hen he seen me /atchin6 he +one tho/e+ it aroun+ his o/n neck an ;erk it
u1 like he /as hange+ an let his tongue stick out an all so7s to scare me2 I +one run o..
an+ hi+ in a 1arkin lot behin some cars til somebo+0 call the 1olice an the0 come an take
me home to m0 mama2 So /hatever else ole ,eneral (orrest +one6 startin u1 that Blan
thing /as not a goo+ i+eaan0 i+iot coul+ tell 0ou that2 Nonetheless6 that7s ho/ I got m0
name2
*0 mama is a real .ine 1erson2 Everbo+0 sa0s that2 *0 +a++06 he got kilt ;ust a.ter I7s
born6 so I never kno/n him2 <e /orke+ +o/n to the +ocks as a longshoreman an one
+a0 a crane /as takin a big net loa+ o. bananas o.. one o. them ?nite+ (ruit :om1an0
boats an somethin broke an the bananas .ell +o/n on m0 +a++0 an s9uashe+ him .lat as
a 1ancake2 Cne time I hear+ some men talkin bout the acci+entsa0 it /as a helluva
mess6 hal. ton o. all them bananas an m0 +a++0 s9uishe+ un+erneath2 I +on7t care .or
bananas much m0sel.6 ce1t .or banana 1u++in2 I like that all right2
*0 mama got a little 1ension .rom the ?nite+ (ruit 1eo1le an she took in boar+ers at our
house6 so /e got b0 oka02 @hen I /as little6 she ke1 me insi+e a lot6 so as the other ki+s
/oul+n7t bother me2 In the summer a.ternoons6 /hen it /as real hot6 she use+ to 1ut me
+o/n in the 1arlor an 1ull the sha+es so it /as +ark an cool an .i5 me a 1itcher o.
limea+e2 3hen she7+ set there an talk to me6 ;us talk on an on bout nothin in 1articular6
like a 1erson7ll talk to a +og or cat6 but I got use+ to it an like+ it cause her voice ma+e
me .eel real sa.e an nice2
Dt .irst6 /hen I7s gro/in u16 she7+ let me go out an 1la0 /ith everbo+06 but then she .oun
out the07s teasing me an all6 an one +a0 a bo0 hit me in the back /ith a stick /ile the0
/as chasin me an it raise+ some .earsome /elt2 D.ter that6 she tole me not to 1la0 /ith
them bo0s an0more2 I starte+ tr0in to 1la0 /ith the girls but that /eren7t much better6
cause the0 all run a/a0 .rom me2
*ama thought it /oul+ be goo+ .or me to go to the 1ublic school cause ma0be it /oul+
he1 me to be like everbo+0 else6 but a.ter I been there a little /ile the0 come an tol+
*ama I ought7n to be in there /ith everbo+0 else2 3he0 let me .inish out .irst gra+e tho2
Sometimes I7+ set there /ile the teacher /as talkin an I +on7t kno/ /hat /as going on in
m0 min+6 but I7+ start lookin out the /in+er at the bir+s an s9uirrels an things that /as
climbin an settin in a big ole oak tree outsi+e6 an then the teacher7+ come over an .uss at
me2 Sometimes6 I7+ ;ust get this real strange thing come over me an start shoutin an all6
an then she7+ make me go out an set on a bench in the hall2 Dn the other ki+s6 the07+
never 1la0 /ith me or nothin6 ce1t7n to chase me or get me to start hollerin so7s the0
coul+ laugh at meall ce1t )enn0 :urran6 /ho at least +i+n7t run a/a0 .rom me an
sometimes she7+ let me /alk ne5 to her goin home a.ter class2
But the ne5t 0ear6 the0 1ut me in another sort o. school6 an let me tell 0ou6 it /as /ier+2
It /as like the07+ gone aroun collectin all the .unn0 .ellers the0 cou+ .in+ an 1ut em all
together6 rangin .rom m0 age an 0ounger to big ole bo0s bout si5teen or seventeen2 3he0
/as retar+s o. all kin+s an s1asmos an ki+s that coul+n7t even eat or go to the toilet b0
the0sel.s2 I /as 1robl0 the best o. the lot2
3he0 /as one big .at bo06 musta been .ourteen or so6 an he /as a..licte+ /ith some
kin+a thing ma+e him shake like he7s in the electric chair or somethin2 *iss *argaret6
our teacher6 ma+e me go in the bathroom /ith him /hen he ha+ to go6 so7s he /oul+n7t
+o nothin /ier+2 <e +one it an0/a06 tho2 I +i+n7t kno/ no /a0 o. sto11in him6 so I7+ ;ust
lock m0se. in one o. the stalls an+ sta0 there till he7s thru6 an /alk him back to the class2
I sta0e+ in that school .or about .ive or si5 0ears2 It /a+n7t all ba+ tho2 3he07+ let us
1aint /ith our .ingers an make little things6 but mostl06 it ;us teachin us ho/ to +o stu..
like tie u1 our shoes an not slobber .oo+ or get /il+ an 0ell an holler an tho/ shit aroun2
3he0 /a+n7t no book learnin to s1eak o.ce1t to sho/ us ho/ to rea+ street signs an
things like the +i..erence bet/een the *en7s an the La+ies7 rooms2 @ith all them serious
nuts in there6 it /oul+a been im1ossible to con+uct an0thin more7n that an0/a02 Dlso6 I
think it /as .or the 1ur1ose o. kee1in us out o. everbo+0 else7s hair2 @ho the hell /ants
a bunch o. retar+s runnin aroun loose> Even I coul+ un+erstan+ that2
@hen I got to be thirteen6 some 1rett0 unusual things begun to ha11en2 (irst o..6 I
starte+ to gro/2 I gre/ si5 inches in si5 months6 an m0 mama /as all the time havin to
let out m0 1ants2 Dlso6 I commence+ to gro/ out 2 B0 the time I /as si5teen I /as si5
.oot si5 an /eighe+ t/o hun+rit .ort0t/o 1oun+s2 I kno/ that cause the0 took me in an
/eighe+ me2 Sai+ the0 ;us coul+n7t believe it2
@hat ha11en ne5 cause+ a real change in m0 li.e2 Cne +a0 I7m strollin +o/n the street
on the /a0 home .rom nut school6 an a car sto1 longsi+e o. me2 3his gu0 call me over an
a5e+ m0 name2 I tole him6 an then he a5e+ /hat school I go to6 an ho/ come he ain7t
seen me aroun2 @hen I tell him bout the nut school6 he a5e+ i. I7+ ever 1la0e+ .ootball2 I
shook m0 hea+2 I guess I mighta tole him I7+ seen ki+s 1la0in it6 but the07+ never let me
1la02 But like I sai+6 I ain7t too goo+ at long conversation6 an so I ;us shook m0 hea+2
3hat /as about t/o /eeks a.ter school begun again2
3hree +a0s or so later6 the0 come an got me outta the nut school2 *0 mama /as there6
an so /as the gu0 in the car an t/o other 1eo1le /hat look like goons/ho I guess /as
1resent in case I /as to start somethin2 3he0 took all the stu.. outta m0 +esk an 1ut it in
a bro/n 1a1er bag an tole me to sa0 goo+b0e to *iss *argaret6 an alls o. a su++en she
commence to start cr0in an give me a big ole hug2 3hen I got to sa0 goo+b0e to all the
other nuts6 an the0 /as +roolin an s1asmoin an beatin on the +esks /ith the0 .ists2 Dn
then I /as gone2
*ama ro+e u1 in the .ront seat /ith the gu0 an I set in back in bet/een them goons6 ;us
like 1olice +one in them ole movies /hen the0 took 0ou =+o/nto/n2= :e1t /e +i+n7t go
+o/nto/n2 @e /ent to the ne/ highschool the0 ha+ built2 @hen /e got there the0 took
me insi+e to the 1rinci1al7s o..ice an *ama an me an the gu0 /ent in /ile the t/o goons
/aite+ in the hall2 3he 1rinci1al /as an ole gra0haire+ man /ith a stain on his tie an
bagg0 1ants /ho look like he coul+a come outta the nut school hisse.2 @e all sat +o/n
an he begun s1lainin things an a5ein me 9uestions6 an I ;ust no++e+ m0 hea+6 but /hat
the0 /ante+ /as .or me to 1la0 .ootball2 3hat much I .iggere+ out on m0 o/n2
3urns out the gu0 in the car /as the .ootball coach6 name o. (ellers2 Dn that +a0 I +i+n7t
go to no class or nothin6 but :oach (ellers6 he took me back to the locker room an one o.
the goons roun+e+ me u1 a .ootball suit /ith all them 1a+s an stu.. an a real nice 1lastic
helmet /ith a thing in .ront to kee1 m0 .ace .rom gettin s9uishe+ in2 3he onl0 thing /as6
the0 coul+n7t .in+ no shoes to .it me6 so7s I ha+ to use m0 sneakers till the0 coul+ or+er
the shoes2
:oach (ellers an the goons got me +resse+ u1 in the .ootball suit6 an then the0 ma+e me
un+ress again6 an then +o it all over again6 ten or t/ent0 times6 till I coul+ +o it b0
m0se.2 Cne thing I ha+ trouble /ith .or a /ile /as that ;ockstra1 thingcause I coul+n7t
see no real goo+ reason .or /earing it2 @ell6 the0 trie+ s1lainin it to me6 an then one o.
the goons sa0s to the other that I7m a =+umm0= or somethin like that6 an I guess he
thought I /oul+n7t un+erstan+ him6 but I +i+6 on account o. I 1a0 s1ecial attention to that
kin+ o. shit2 Not that it hurt m0 .eelins2 <ell6 I been calle+ a sight /orse than that2 But I
took notice o. it6 nonetheless2
D.ter a /ile a bunch o. ki+s starte+ comin into the locker room an takin out the0 .ootball
stu.. an+ gettin into it2 3hen /e all /ent outsi+e an :oach (ellers got everbo+0 together
an he stoo+ me u1 in .ront o. them an intro+uce+ me2 <e /as sa0in a bunch o. shit that I
/a+n7t .ollo/in real close cause I /as ha. scare+ to +eath6 on account o. nobo+0 ha+
ever intro+uce+ me be.ore to a bunch o. strangers2 But a.ter/ar+ some o. the others
come u1 an shook m0 han+ an sa0 the0 is gla+ I am here an all2 3hen :oach (ellers
blo/e+ a /histle6 /hat like to make me lea1 outta m0 skin an everbo+0 starte+ ;um1in
aroun+ to get e5ercise2
It7s a kin+ o. long stor0 /hat all ha11ene+ ne56 but an0/a06 I begun to 1la0 .ootball2
:oach (ellers an one o. the goons he11e+ me out s1ecial since I +i+n7t kno/ ho/ to
1la02 @e ha+ this thing /here 0ou s1ose+ to block 1eo1le an the0 /ere tr0in to s1lain it
all6 but /hen /e trie+ it a bunch o. times everbo+0 seeme+ to be gettin +isguste+ cause I
coul+n7t remember /hat I /as s1ose+ to +o2
3hen the0 trie+ this other thing the0 call the +e.ense 6 /here the0 1ut three gu0s in .ront
o. me an I am s1ose+ to get thru them an gra1 the gu0 /ith the .ootball2 3he .irst 1art
/as easier6 cause I coul+ ;ust shove the other gu0s7 hea+s +o/n6 but the0 /ere unha110
/ith the /a0 I gra11e+ the gu0 /ith the ball6 an .inall0 the0 ma+e me go an tackle a big
oak tree about .i.teen or t/ent0 timesto get the .eel o. it6 I s1ose2 But a.ter a /ile6 /hen
the0 .iggere+ I ha+ learnt somethin .rom the oak tree6 the0 1ut me back /ith the three
gu0s an the ball carrier an then got ma+ I +i+n7t ;um1 on him real viciouslike a.ter I
move+ the others out o. the /a02 I took a lot o. abuse that a.ternoon6 but /hen /e 9uit
1racticin I /ent in to see :oach (ellers an tole him I +i+n7t /ant to ;um1 on the ball gu0
cause I /as a.rai+ o. hurtin him2 :oach6 he sa0 that it /oul+n7t hurt him6 cause he /as in
his .ootball suit an /as 1rotecte+2 3he truth is6 I /asn7t so much a.rai+ o. hurtin him as I
/as that he7+ get ma+ at me an the07+ start chasin me again i. I /a+n7t real nice to
everbo+02 3o make a long stor0 short6 it took me a /ile to get the hang o. it all2
*eantime I got to go to class2 In the nut school6 /e reall0 +i+n7t have that much to +o6
but here the0 /as .ar more serious about things2 Someho/6 the0 ha+ /orke+ it out so7s I
ha+ three homeroom classes /here 0ou ;us set there an +i+ /hatever 0ou /ante+6 an
then three other classes /here there /as a la+0 /ho /as teachin me ho/ to rea+2 )us the
t/o o. us2 She /as real nice an 1rett0 an+ more7n once or t/ice I ha+ nast0 thoughts
about her2 *iss <en+erson /as her name2
Dbout the onl0 class I like+ /as lunch6 but I guess 0ou coul+n7t call that a class2 Dt the
nut school6 m0 mama /oul+ .i5 me a samb/ich an a cookie an a 1iece o. .ruitce1t no
bananasan I7+ take it to school /ith me2 But in this school the0 /as a ca.eteria /ith nine
or ten +i..erent things to eat an I7+ have trouble makin u1 m0 min+ /hat I /ante+2 I
think somebo+0 must o. sai+ somethin6 cause a.ter a /eek or so :oach (ellers come u1
to me an sa0 to ;ust go ahea+ an eat all I /ante+ cause it been =taken care o.2= <ot +amnE
,uess /ho shoul+ be in m0 homeroom class but )enn0 :urran2 She come u1 to me in
the hall an sa0 she remember me .rom .irst gra+e2 She /as all gro/e+ u1 no/6 /ith
1rett0 black hair an she /as longlegge+ an ha+ a beauti.ul .ace6 an the0 /as other
things too6 I +are not mention2
3he .ootball /as not goin e5actl0 to the likin o. :oach (ellers2 <e seeme+ +is1lease+ a
lot an /as al/a0s shoutin at 1eo1le2 <e shoute+ at me too2 3he0 trie+ to .igger out some
/a0 .or me to ;ust sta0 1ut an kee1 other .olks .rom gra11in our gu0 carr0in the ball6 but
that +i+n7t /ork ce1t /hen the0 ran the ball right u1 the mi++le o. the line2 :oach /as
not too ha110 /ith m0 tacklin neither6 an let me tell 0ou6 I s1ent a lot o. time at that oak
tree2 But I ;ust coul+n7t get to /here I /oul+ tho/ m0se. at the ball gu0 like the0 /ante+
me to +o2 Somethin ke1 me .rom it2
3hen one +a0 a event ha11en that change+ all that too2 In the ca.eteria I ha+ starte+
gettin m0 .oo+ an+ goin over to set ne5 to )enn0 :urran2 I /oul+n7t sa0 nothin6 but she
/as ;us bout the onl0 1erson in the school I kne/ hal./a0s6 an it .elt goo+ setting there
/ith her2 *ost o. the time she +i+n7t 1a0 me no attention6 an talke+ /ith other 1eo1le2 Dt
.irst I7+ been settin /ith some o. the .ootball 1la0ers6 but the0 acte+ like I /as invisible
or somethin2 Dt least )enn0 :urran acte+ like I /as there2 But a.ter a /ile o. this6 I
starte+ to notice this other gu0 /as there a lot too6 an he starts makin /isecracks bout
me2 Sa0in shit like =<o/7s 4umbo>= an all2 Dn+ this gone on .or a /eek or t/o6 an I /as
sa0in nothin6 but .inall0 I sa0sI can7t har+l0 believe I sai+ it even no/but I sa0s6 =I ain7t
no 4umbo6= an the gu0 ;us looke+ at me an starts laughin2 Dn )enn0 :urran6 she sa0 to
the gu0 to kee1 9uiet6 but he takes a carton o. milk an 1ours it in m0 la1 an I ;um1 u1 an
run out cause it scares me2
D +a0 or so later6 that gu0 come u1 to me in the hall an sa0s he7s gonna =get= me2 Dll +a0
I /as a.rai+ terribil06 an later that a.ternoon6 /hen I /as leaving to go to the g0m6 there
he is6 /ith a bunch o. his .rien+s2 I trie+ to go the other /a06 but he come u1 to me an
start 1ushin me on the shoul+ers2 Dn he7s sa0in all kin+s o. ba+ things6 callin me a
=stu1o= an all6 an then he hit me in the stomach2 It +i+n7t hurt so much6 but I /as startin
to cr0 an+ I turne+ an begun to run6 an hear+ him behin+ me an the others /as runnin
a.ter me too2 I ;us run as .ast as I coul+ to/ar+ the g0m6 across the 1ractice .ootball .iel+
an su++enl0 I seen :oach (ellers6 settin u1 in the bleachers /atchin me2 3he gu0s /ho
/as chasin me sto1 an+ go a/a06 an :oach (ellers6 he has got this real 1eculiar look on
his .ace6 an tell me to get suite+ u1 right a/a02 D /ile later6 he come in the locker room
/ith these 1la0s +ra/n on a 1iece o. 1a1erthree o. theman sa0 .or me to memoriFe
them best I can2
3hat a.ternoon at the .ootball 1ractice6 he line everbo+0 u1 in t/o teams an su++enl0 the
9uarterback give me the ball an I7m s1ose+ to run outsi+e the right en+ o. the line to the
goal1ost2 @hen the0 all start chasin me6 I run .ast as I canit /as seven or eight o. them
be.ore the0 coul+ +rag me +o/n2 :oach (ellers is might0 ha110G ;um1in u1 an+ +o/n
an 0ellin an sla11in everbo+0 on the back2 @e7+ run a lot o. races be.ore6 to see ho/ .ast
/e coul+ run6 but I get a lot .aster /hen I7m bein chase+6 I guess2 @hat i+iot /oul+n7t>
Dn0/a06 I become a lot more 1o1ular a.ter that6 an the other gu0s on the team starte+
bein nicer to me2 @e ha+ our .irst game an I /as scare+ to +eath6 but the0 give me the
ball an I run over the goal line t/o or three times an 1eo1le never been kin+er to me
a.ter that2 3hat highschool certainl0 begun to change things in m0 li.e2 It even got to
/here I like+ to run /ith the .ootball6 ce1t it /as mostl0 that the0 ma+e me run aroun
the si+es cause I still coul+n7t get to /here I like+ to ;ust run over 1eo1le like 0ou +o in
the mi++le2 Cne o. the goons comments that I am the largest highschool hal.back in the
entire /orl+2 I +o not think he mean it as a com1liment2
Cther/ise6 I /as learnin to rea+ a lot better /ith *iss <en+erson2 She give me 3om
Sa/0er an t/o other books I can7t remember6 an I took them home an rea+ em all6 but
then she give me a test /here I +on7t +o so hot2 But I sure en;o0e+ them books2
D.ter a /ile6 I /ent back to settin ne5 to )enn0 :urran in the ca.eteria6 an there /eren7t
no more trouble .or a long time6 but then one +a0 in the s1ringtime I /as /alkin home
.rom school an+ /ho shoul+ a11ear but the bo0 that 1oure+ that milk in m0 la1 an
chase+ me that +a02 <e got hisse. a stick an start callin me things like =moron= an+
=stu1o2=
Some other 1eo1le /as /atchin an then along comes )enn0 :urran6 an I7m bout to take
o.. againbut then6 .or no reason I kno/6 I ;us +i+n7t +o it2 3hat .eller take his stick an
1oke me in the stomach /ith it6 an I sa0s to m0se.6 the hell /ith this6 an I gra11e+ a holt
to his arm an /ith m0 other han+ I knock him u1si+e the hea+ an that /as the en+ o.
that6 more or less2
3hat night m0 mama get a 1hone call .rom the bo07s 1arents6 sa0 i. I la0 a han on their
son again the0 is goin to call the authorities an have me =1ut a/a02= I trie+ to s1lain it to
m0 mama an she sa0 she un+erstan+6 but I coul+ tell she /as /orrie+2 She tell me that
since I am so huge no/6 I got to /atch m0se.6 cause I might hurt somebo+02 Dn I no++e+
an 1romise+ her I /oul+n7t hurt nobo+0 else2 3hat night /hen I l0in in be+ I hear+ her
cr0in to herse. in her room2
But /hat that +i+ .or me6 knockin that bo0 u1si+e the hea+6 1ut a +e.inate ne/ light on
m0 .ootball 1la0in2 Ne5t +a06 I a5e+ :oach (ellers to let me run the ball straight on an+
he sa0 oka06 an I run over ma0be .our or .ive gu0s till I7m in the clear an the0 all ha+ to
start chasin me again2 3hat 0ear I ma+e the Dll State (ootball team2 I coul+n7t har+l0
believe it2 *0 mama give me t/o 1air o. socks an a ne/ shirt on m0 birth+a02 Dn she
+one save+ u1 an bought me a ne/ suit that I /ore to get the Dll State (ootball a/ar+2
(irst suit I ever ha+2 *ama tie+ m0 tie .or me an o.. I /ent2
%
3he Dll State (ootball Ban9uet /as to be helt in a little to/n calle+ (lomaton6 /hat
:oach (ellers +escribe+ as a =s/itch u1 the railroa+ tracks2= @e /as 1ut on a busthe0
/as .ive or si5 o. us .rom this area /ho /on the 1riFean /e /as trucke+ u1 there2 It
/as a hour or t/o be.ore /e arrive+6 an the bus +i+n7t have no toilet6 an I ha+ +rank t/o
Slur1ees .ore /e le.6 so /hen /e get to (lomaton6 I reall0 got to go ba+2
3he thing /as helt at the (lomaton <ighschool au+itorium6 an /hen /e git insi+e6 me
an+ some o. the others .in+ the toilet2 Someho/6 tho6 /hen I go to unFi1 m0 1ants6 the
Fi11er is stuck in m0 shirttail an /on7t come +o/n2 D.ter a bit o. this6 a nice little gu0
.rom a rival school goes out an+ .in+s :oach (ellers an he come in /ith the t/o goons
an the0 be tr0in to get m0 1ants o1en2 Cne o. the goons sa0 the onl0 /a0 to git it +o/n
is ;us ri1 it a1art2 Dt this6 :oach (ellers 1ut his hans on his hi1s an sa06 =I s1ose 0ou
e51ect me to sen+ this bo0 out there /ith his .l0 unFi11e+ an his thing hangin outno/
/hat kin+ o. a im1ression +o 0ou think that /oul+ make>= 3hen he turn to me an sa06
=(orrest6 0ou ;us got to kee1 a li+ on it till this thing7s over6 an then /e get it o1en .or
0ouoka0>= Dn I no+6 cause I +on7t kno/ /hat else to +o6 but I .iggerin I be in .or a long
evenin2
@hen /e get out to the au+itorium there7s a million 1eo1le all settin there at tables6
smilin an cla11in as /e come out2 @e is 1ut u1 at a big long table on the stage in .ront o.
everbo+0 an m0 /orst .ears /as realiFe+ about the long evenin2 Seem like ever soul in
the room got u1 to make a s1eecheven the /aiters an ;anitor2 I /ishe+ m0 mama coul+a
been there6 cause she7+ o. he11e+ me6 but she back at home in be+ /ith the gri11e2
(inall0 it come time to get han+e+ our 1riFes6 /hich /as little gol+colore+ .ootballs6 an
/hen our names /as calle+ /e /as s1ose+ to go u1 to the micro1hone an take the 1riFe
an sa0 =thank 0ou6= an the0 also tole us i. an0bo+0 has an0thin else he /ants to sa06 to
kee1 it short on account o. /e /ant to be gettin out o. there be.ore the turn o. the
centur02
*ost everbo+0 ha+ got the0 1riFe an sai+ =thank 0ou6= an then it come m0 turn2
Somebo+0 on the micro1hone call out =(orrest ,um16= /hich6 i. I ha+n7t tole 0ou
be.ore6 is m0 last name6 an I stan+ u1 an go over an the0 han me the 1riFe2 I lean over to
the mike an sa06 =3hank 0ou6= an everbo+0 starts to cheer an cla1 an stan+ u1 in the0
seats2 I s1ose somebo+0 tole them a.orehan I7m some kin+ o. i+iot6 an the0 makin a
s1ecial e..ort to be nice2 But I7m so sur1rise+ b0 all this6 I +on7t kno/ /hat to +o6 so I ;us
ke1 stan+in there2 3hen everbo+0 hush u16 an the man at the mike he lean over an+ a5e
me i. I got an0thin else I /ant to sa02 So I sa0s6 =I got to 1ee2=
Everbo+0 in the au+ience +i+n7t sa0 nothin .or a .e/ moments6 an ;us starte+ lookin
.unn0 at each other6 an then the0 begun a sort o. lo/ mumblin6 an :oach (ellers come
u1 an gra1 me b0 the arm an+ haul me back to m0 seat2 -est o. the night he be glarin at
me6 but a.ter the ban9uet is over6 :oach an the goons +one take me back to the bathroom
an ri1 o1en m0 1ants an I +one 1ee+ a bucketE
=,um16= :oach sa0 a.ter I am .inishe+6 =0ou sure got a /a0 /ith /or+s2=
No/ ne5 0ear /a+n7t too event.ul6 ce1t somebo+0 1ut out the /or+ that a i+iot got hisse.
on the Dll State (ootball team an a bunch o. letters start comin in .rom all roun+ the
countr02 *ama collect them all an+ start kee1in a scra1book2 Cne +a0 a 1ackage come
.rom Ne/ Aa/k :it0 that contain a o..icial baseball signe+ b0 the entire Ne/ Aa/k
Aankees baseball team2 It /as the best thing ever ha11en to meE I treasure that ball like a
gol+brick6 till one +a0 /hen I /as tossin it aroun in the 0ar+6 a big ole +og come u1 an
gra1 it outta the air an che/e+ it u12 3hings like that al/a0s ha11enin to me2
Cne +a0 :oach (ellers call me in an take me into the 1rinci1al7s o..ice2 3he0 /as a man
there .rom u1 to the ?niversit0 /ho shook m0 han an a5e me /hether I ever thought
bout 1la0in .ootball in college2 <e sa0 the0 been =/atchin= me2 I shook m0 hea+6 cause I
ha+n7t2
Everbo+0 seeme+ to be in a/e o. this man6 bo/in an scra1in an callin him =*ister
Br0ant2= But he sa0 .or me to call him =Bear6= /hich I thought /as a .unn0 name6 ce1t
he +o look similar to a bear in some res1ects2 :oach (ellers 1oint out that I am not the
brightest 1erson6 but the Bear6 he sa0 that is 1lent0 true o. most o. his 1la0ers6 an that he
.iggers to get me s1ecial he1 in m0 stu+ies2 D /eek later the0 give me a test /ith all
sorts o. scre/0 9uestions the like o. /hich I am not .amiliar /ith2 D.ter a /ile I get
bore+ an+ sto1 takin the test2
3/o +a0s a.ter/ar+6 the Bear come back again an+ I get haule+ into the 1rinci1al7s
o..ice b0 :oach (ellers2 Bear lookin +istresse+6 but he still bein niceG he a5e me have I
+one trie+ m0 best on that test2 I no+ m0 hea+6 but the 1rinci1al be rollin his e0es6 an the
Bear sa06 =@ell6 this is un.ortunate then6 cause the score a11ears to in+icate that this bo0
is a i+iot2=
3he 1rinci1al be no++in his hea+ no/6 an :oach (ellers is stan+in there /ith his han+s
in his 1ockets lookin sour2 It seem to be the en+ o. m0 college .ootball 1ros1ects2
3he .act that I /ere too +umb to 1la0 college .ootball +i+ not seem to im1ress the ?nite+
States Drm0 none2 It /ere m0 last 0ear at highschool an in the s1ringtime everbo+0 else
gra+uate+2 3he0 let me set u1 on the stage tho6 an even give me a black robe to 1ut on6
an /hen it come time6 the 1rinci1al announce the0 /as gonna give me a =s1ecial=
+i1loma2 I got u1 to go to the micro1hone an the t/o goons stan u1 an go /ith meI
s1ose so7s I +on7t make no remarks like I +i+ at the Dll State (ootball thing2 *0 mama is
+o/n in the .ront ro/ cr0in an+ /ringin her hans an I reall0 .eel goo+6 like I actuall0
+one accom1lish somethin2
But /hen /e git back home6 I .inall0 realiFe /h0 she ba/lin an carr0in onthe0 /as a
letter come .rom the Drm0 sa0 I got to re1ort to the local +a.t boar+ or somesuch2 I
+i+n7t kno/ /hat the +eal /as6 but m0 mama +i+it /as 19"' an the0 /as all sorts o.
shit .i5in to ho11en2
*ama give me a letter .rom the school 1rinci1al to han to the +a.tboar+ 1eo1le6 but
someho/ I lost it on the /a0 there2 It /as a loon0 scene2 3he0 /as a big colore+ gu0 in
a Drm0 suit 0ellin at 1eo1le an +ivi+in them u1 into bunches2 @e /as all stan+in there
an+ he come u1 an shout6 =Dll right6 I /ant hal. o. 0ou to go over there an hal. o. 0ou to
go over here6 an the other hal. o. 0ou to sta0 1utE= Everbo+0 millin aroun an lookin
be/il+ere+ an even I coul+ .igger out this gu07s a moron2
3he0 took me in a room an+ line us u1 an tell us to remove our clothes2 I ain7t much .or
that6 but everbo+0 else +one it an so I +i+ too2 3he0 lookin at us ever1lacee0es6 noses6
mouths6 earseven our 1rivate 1arts2 Dt one 1oint the0 tell me6 =Ben+ over6= an /hen I
+o6 somebo+0 ;am his .inger u1 m0 ass2
3hat7s itE
I turn an gra11e+ that basti+ an knock him u1si+e the hea+2 3he0 /as su++enl0 a big
commotion an a bunch o. 1eo1le run u1 an ;um1 on to1 o. me2 <o/ever6 I am use+ to
that treatment2 I tho/e+ them o.. an run out the +oor2 @hen I get home an tell m0 mama
/hat ha11en6 she all u1set6 but she sa06 =4on7t /orr06 (orresteverthin gonna be oka02=
It ain7t2 Ne5t /eek6 a van 1ull u1 at our house an+ a number o. men in Drm0 suits an
shin0 black helmets come u1 to the +oor be a5in .or me2 I7m hi+in u1 in m0 room6 but
*ama come u1 an sa0 the0 ;us /anta give me a ri+e back +o/n to the +a.t boar+2 Dll the
/a0 there6 the0 be /atchin me real close6 like I7m some kin+a maniac2
3he0 /as a +oor that lea+ to a big o..ice /here there7s a ol+er man all +resse+ u1 in a
shin0 uni.orm an he e0ein me 1rett0 care.ul too2 3he0 set me +o/n an shove another test
in .ront o. me6 an /ile it7s one hell o. a lot easier than the college .ootball test6 it still
ain7t no 1iece o. cake2
@hen I7m +one6 the0 take me to another room /here the07s .our or .ive gu0s settin at a
long table /hat start a5in me 9uestions an 1assin aroun+ /hat looke+ like the test I took2
3hen the0 all git into a hu++le an+ /hen the0 .inish one o. em sign a 1a1er an han it to
me2 @hen I take it home6 *ama rea+ it an begin 1ullin at her hair an /ee1in an 1raisin
the Lor+6 cause it sa0 I am =3em1oraril0 4e.erre+6= on account o. I am a numbnuts2
Somethin else occurre+ +urin that /eek that /as a ma;or event in m0 li.e2 3here /as this
la+0 boar+er livin /ith us that /orke+ +o/n to the tele1hone com1an0 as a o1erator2
*iss (rench /as her name2 She /as a real nice la+06 /hat ke1 mostl0 to herse.6 but one
night /hen it /as terribil0 hot6 an the0 /as thun+erstorms6 she stuck her hea+ out the
+oor to her room as I /as /alkin b0 an sa06 =(orrest6 I ;ust got a bo5 o. nice +ivinit0 this
a.ternoon/oul+ 0ou like a 1iece>=
Dn I sa0 =0es6= an she bring me into her room an there on the +resser is the +ivinit02 She
give me a 1iece o. it6 then she a5e i. I /ant another6 an she 1oints .or me to set +o/n on
the be+2 I must o. ate ten or .i.teen 1ieces o. the +ivinit0 an lightnin /as .lashin outsi+e
an thun+er an the curtains /as blo/in an *iss (rench kin+a 1ushes me an makes me lie
back on the be+2 She commences to start strokin me in a 1ersonal /a02 =)us kee1 0our
e0es close+6= she sa06 =an everthing /ill be all right2= Ne5 thing 0ou kno/ there is
somethin ha11enin that ha+ not ha11en be.ore2 I cannot sa0 /hat it /as6 because I /as
kee1in m0 e0es close+6 an also because m0 mama /oul+a kilt me6 but let me tell 0ou
thisit give me an entirel0 ne/ outlook on things .or the .uture2
3he 1roblem /as that /ile *iss (rench /as a nice kin+ la+06 the things that she +one to
me that night /as the kin+s o. things I7+ have 1re.erre+ to have +one to me b0 )enn0
:urran2 Dn 0et6 there /as no /a0 I coul+ see to even begin gettin that accom1lishe+
cause /hat /ith the /a0 I am6 it is not so eas0 to ask an0one .or a +ate2 3hat is to 1ut it
mil+l02
But on account o. m0 ne/ e51erience6 I got u1 the courage to a5e m0 mama /hat to +o
about )enn06 tho I certainl0 +i+n7t sa0 nothin bout me an *iss (rench2 *ama sai+ she7ll
take care o. it .or me6 an she call u1 )enn0 :urran7s mama an s1lain the situation to her6
an the ne5 evenin6 lo an behole6 /ho shoul+ a11ear at our +oor but )enn0 :urran herse.E
She is all +resse+ u1 in a /hite +ress an a 1ink .lo/er in her hair an she look like nothin
I have ever +reamt o.2 She come insi+e an *ama took her to the 1arlor an give her a ice
cream .loat an call .or me to come +o/n .rom m0 room6 /here I ha+ run to as soon as I
seen )enn0 :urran comin u1 the /alk2 I7+ o. rather ha+ .ive thousan+ 1eo1le chasin me
than to come out o. m0 room ;us then6 but *ama come u1 an take me b0 the han an lea+
me +o/n an give me a icecream .loat too2 3hat ma+e it better2
*ama sai+ /e can go to the movies an she give )enn0 three +ollars as /e /alk out o.
the house2 )enn0 ain7t never been nicer6 talkin an laughin an I am no++in an grinnin like
a i+iot2 3he movie /as ;us .our or .ive blocks .rom our house6 an )enn0 /ent u1 an got
some tickets an /e /ent in an set +o/n2 She a5e+ me i. I /ant some 1o1corn an /hen
she come back .rom gettin it6 the 1icture +one starte+2
It is a movie about t/o 1eo1le6 a man an a la+0 calle+ Bonnie an :l0+e that robbe+
banks an the0 /as some interestin other 1eo1le in it also2 But it /as a lot o. killin an
shootin an shit like that6 too2 It seeme+ to me .unn0 that .olks /oul+ be shootin an killin
one another that /a06 so7s I laughe+ a lot /hen that /ent on6 an /henever I +i+6 )enn0
:urran seeme+ to s9unch +o/n in her seat a lot2 <al./a0 thru the movie6 she /as almost
s9unche+ +o/n to the .loor2 I su++enl0 sa/ this an .iggere+ she ha+ someho/ .elle+ out
o. her seat6 so I reache+ over an gra11e+ her b0 the shoul+er to li. her u1 again2
Ds I +i+ this6 I hear+ somethin tear6 an I look +o/n an )enn0 :urran7s +ress is ri11e+
com1letel0 o1en an everthing is hangin out2 I took m0 other han to tr0 to cover her u16
but she start makin noises an .lail about /il+like6 an me6 I7m tr0in to hole onto her so7s
she +on7t .all +o/n again or come un+one an there7s 1eo1le aroun+ us lookin back tr0in
to see /hat all the commotion is about2 Su++enl0 a .ello/ come +o/n the aisle an shine
a bright light right on )enn0 an me6 but bein e51ose+ an all6 she commence+ to shriek an
/ail an then she ;um1 u1 an run out o. the sho/2
Ne5 thing I kno/6 t/o men come an tell me to get u1 an I .ollo/ them to a o..ice2 D .e/
minutes later6 .our 1olicemen arrive an a5e me to come /ith them2 3he0 sho/ me to a
1olice car an t/o get in .ront an t/o get in back /ith me6 ;us like it /as /ith :oach
(ellers7 goons6 ce1t7n this time /e +o go =+o/nto/n6= an the0 escort me to a room an
;ab m0 .ingers onto a 1a+ an I get m0 1icture taken an the0 tho/e+ me in ;ail2 It /as a
horrible e51erience2 I /as /orrie+ all the time bout )enn06 but a.ter a bit m0 mama
sho/e+ u1 an come in /i1in her e0es /ith a han+kerchie. an t/istin her .ingers an I
kno/e+ I7m in the +oghouse again2
3here /as some kin+ o. ceremon0 a .e/ +a0s later +o/n to the courthouse2 *0 mama
+resse+ me in m0 suit an took me there6 an /e met a nice man /ith a moustache
carr0ing a big 1urse /ho tole the ;u+ge a bunch o. things an then some other 1eo1le6
inclu+in m0 mama6 sa0 some other shit an .inall0 it /as m0 turn2
3he man /ith the moustache took me b0 the arm so7s I7+ stan+ u16 an the ;u+ge a5e+ me
ho/ all this +one ha11en> I coul+n7t .igger out /hat to sa06 so I ;us shrugge+ m0
shoul+ers an then he a5es i. there7s an0thing else I /ant to a++6 an so I sa0s6 =I got to
1ee6= cause /e7+ been settin there almost ha. a +a0 an I7m about to bustE 3he ;u+ge6 he
lean .or/ar+ .rom behin+ his big ole +esk an 1eer at me like I am a *arsman or
somethin2 3hen the .eller /ith the moustache s1eaks u1 an+ .ollo/in this the ;u+ge tells
him to take me to the toilet6 /hich he +oes2 I look back as /e leavin the room an see 1o
ole *ama hol+in her hea+ an +aubin at her e0es /ith the han+kerchie.2
Dn0ho/6 /hen I get back6 the ;u+ge be scratchin his chin an he sa0 the /hole +eal is
=ver0 1eculiar6= but that he think I ought to go in the Drm0 or somethin /hich might he1
straighten me out2 *0 mama in.orm him that the ?nite+ States Drm0 /on7t have me6
account o. I am a i+iot6 but that this ver0 mornin a letter +one come .rom u1 to the
?niversit0 sa0in that i. I /ill 1la0 .ootball .or them6 I can go to school there scot .ree2
3he ;u+ge sa0 that soun+s kin+a 1eculiar too6 but it7s oka0 /ith him so long as I get m0
big ass out o. to/n2
3he ne5 mornin I am all 1acke+ u1 an *ama6 she take me to the bus station an 1ut me
on the bus2 I is lookin out the /in+er an there is *ama6 cr0in an /i1in her e0es /ith her
han+kerchie.2 3hat is gettin to be a scene I kno/ too /ell2 It is stam1e+ 1ermanant into
m0 memor02 Dn0ho/6 the0 starte+ u1 the bus6 an a/a0 I /ent2
&
@hen /e git u1 to the universit06 coach Br0ant he come out to the g0m /here /e all
settin in our shorts an+ s/eatshirts an begin makin a s1eech2 It bout the same kin+ o.
s1eech :oach (ellers /oul+ make6 ce1t even a sim1leton like m0se. coul+ tell this man
mean bi+nessE <is s1eech short an s/eet6 an conclu+e /ith the statement that the last
man on the bus to the 1ractice .iel+ /ill get a ri+e there not on the bus6 but on :oach
Br0ant7s shoe instea+2 Aessiree2 @e +o not +oubt his /or+6 an stack oursel.s into the bus
like .la1;acks2
Dll this /as +urin the month o. Dugust6 /hich in the state o. Dlabama is some/hat
hotter than it is else/here2 3hat is to sa06 that i. 0ou 1ut a egg on to1 o. 0our .ootball
helmet it /oul+ be .rie+ sunn0si+e u1 in about ten secon+s2 C. course nobo+0 ever tr0
that on account o. it might get :oach Br0ant angr02 3hat /as the one thing nobo+0 /ish
to +o6 because li.e /as almost intolerable as it /as2
:oach Br0ant have his o/n goons to sho/ me aroun+2 3he0 take me to /here I is gonna
sta06 /hich is a nice brick buil+ing on the cam1us that somebo+0 sa0s is calle+ the =D1e
4orm2= 3hem goons escort me over there in a car an lea+ me u1stairs to m0 room2
?n.ortunatel06 /hat might o. looke+ nice .rom the outsi+e /as not true .or the insi+e2 Dt
.irst6 it a11ear that nobo+0 ha+ live+ in this buil+ing .or a long time6 the0 /as so much
+irt an shit aroun6 an most o. the +oors ha+ been torn o.. the0 hinges an bashe+ in6 an
most o. the /in+ers are buste+ out too2
D .e/ o. the .ellers is l0in on the0 cots insi+e6 /earin ver0 little cause it about 11!
+egrees hot in there6 an .lies an things be hummin an buFFin2 In the hall the0 is a big
stack o. ne/s1a1ers6 /hich at .irst I a.rai+ the0 gonna make us rea+6 it being college an
all6 but soon I learn the0 are .or 1uttin +o/n on the .loor so7s 0ou +on7t have to ste1 on
all the +irt an shit /hen 0ou /alk aroun2
3he goons take me to m0 room an sa0 the0 be ho1in to .in+ m0 roomate there6 /hose
name is :urtis somebo+06 but he no/here to be .oun2 So the0 get m0 stu.. un1acke+ an
sho/ me /here the bathroom is6 /hich look /orse than /hat 0ou might e51ect to .in+ at
a one1um1 gasoline station6 an the0 be on the0 /a02 But be.ore the0 go6 one o. the
goons sa0 :urtis an me shoul+ get on .ine cause both o. us have about as much brains as
a egg1lant2 I look real har+ at the goon /hat sai+ that6 cause I be tire+ o. hearin all that
shit6 but he tell me to +ro1 +o/n an+ give him .i.t0 1ushu1s2 D.ter that6 I ;ust be +oin
/hat I7m tole2
I /ent to slee1 on m0 cot a.ter s1rea+in a sheet over it to cover u1 the +irt6 an /as havin
a +ream bout settin +o/n in the 1arlor /ith m0 mama like /e use to +o /hen it /as hot6
an she7+ .i5 me a limea+e an talk to me hour a.ter houran then su++enl0 the +oor o. the
room +one crashe+ in .lat an scare me ha. to +eathE D .eller be stan+in there in the
+oor/a0 /ith a /il+ look on his .ace6 e0es all bugge+ out6 no teeth in .ront6 nose look
like a 0eller s9uash an his hair stan+in straight u1 like he +one stuck his thing in a light
socket2 I .igger this be :urtis2
<e come insi+e the room like he e51ectin somebo+0 to 1ounce on him6 lookin .rom si+e
to si+e6 an /alk right over the +oor that he ;ust cave+ in2 :urtis ain7t ver0 tall6 but he
look like an icebo5 other/ise2 (irst thing he a5e me is /here I7m .rom2 @hen I sa0
*obile6 he sa0 that is a =can+0ass= to/n6 an in.orms me he7s .rom C116 /here the0
make 1eanut butter6 an i. I +on7t like it6 he gonna o1en u1 a ;ar hisse. an butter m0 butt
/ith itE 3hat /ere the e5tent o. our conversation .or a +a0 or so2
3hat a.ternoon at .ootball 1ractice it be about ten thousan +egrees hot on the .iel+6 an all
:oach Br0ant7s goons runnin roun sco/lin an 0ellin at us an makin us e5ercise2 *0
tongue hangin +o/n like it /as a necktie or somethin6 but I tr0in to +o the right thing2
(inall0 the0 +ivi+es u1 everbo+0 an 1uts me /ith backs an /e start to run 1ass 1atterns2
No/ be.ore I come u1 to the ?niversit06 the0 +one sent me a 1ackage /hich contain
about a million +i..erent .ootball 1la0s6 an I +one a5e+ :oach (ellers /hat I7m s1ose to
+o /ith it an he ;us shake his hea+ sa+l0 an sa0 not to tr0 to +o nothin;us to /ait till I
get to the ?niversit0 an let them .igger somethin out2
I /ish I ha+ not taken :oach (ellers7 a+vice no/6 cause /hen I run out .or m0 .irst 1ass I
+one turne+ the /rong /a0 an the hea+ goon come rushin u1 hollerin an shoutin at me
an /hen he sto1 shoutin he a5e+ me +on7t I stu+0 the 1la0s the0 sen+ me> @hen I sa0s6
=?h6 uh6= he commence to ;um1 u1 an +o/n an .lail his arms like hornets is u1on him6
an /hen he calm +o/n he tell me to go run .ive la1s aroun the .iel+ /ile he consult /ith
:oach Br0ant bout me2
:oach Br0ant be settin u1 in a great big to/er lookin +o/n on us like the ,reat ,a/+
Bu+6 I7m runnin the la1s an+ /atchin the goon clime u1 there6 an /hen he get to the to1
an sa0 his 1iece6 :oach Br0ant crane his neck .or/ar+ an I .eel his e0es burnin hot on
m0 big stu1i+ ass2 Su++enl0 a voice come over a mega1hone .or everbo+0 to hear6 sa06
=(orrest ,um16 re1ort to the coachin to/er6= an I seen :oach Br0ant an the goon climin
+o/n2 Dll the time I be runnin over there I am /ishin I /ere runnin back/ar+s instea+2
But imagine m0 sur1rise /hen I see :oach Br0ant smilin2 <e motion me over to some
bleachers an /e set +o/n an he a5e+ me again i. I7+ not learnt them 1la0s the0 sen+ me2
I begin to s1lain /hat :oach (ellers ha+ tole me6 but :oach Br0ant he sto1 me an sa0
.or me to git back in the line an start catchin 1asses6 an then I tole him somethin else I
guess he +i+n7t /ant to hear6 /hich /as that I ha+ never even caught a 1ass at
highschool6 cause the0 .iggere+ it har+ enough to get me to remember /here our o/n
goaline is6 let alone runnin aroun tr0in to gra1 the ball outta the air too2
Dt this ne/s6 :oach Br0ant get a real o++ s9uint in his e0es6 an he look o.. in the
+istance6 as i. he /as lookin all the /a0 to the moon or somethin2 3hen he tell the goon
to go .etch a .ootball an /hen the .ootball come6 :oach Br0ant hisse. tell me to run out
a little /a0s an turn aroun2 @hen I +o6 he tho/e+ the .ootball at me2 I see it comin
almost like slo/motion but it bounce o.. m0 .ingers an .all on the groun+2 :oach
Br0ant be no++in his hea+ u1 an +o/n like he shoul+ o. .iggere+ this out earlier6 but
someho/ I get the i+ea he is not 1lease+2
(rom the time I7m little6 ever time I +o somethin /rong6 m0 mama6 she7+ sa06 =(orrest6
0ou got to be care.ul6 cause the0 gonna 1ut 0ou a/a02= I /as so scairt o. bein 1ut in this
=a/a0= 1lace I7+ al/a0s tr0 to be better6 but I7m +amne+ i. there7s a /orst 1lace the0
coul+ o. sent me than this D1e 4orm thing I7m livin in2
Peo1le be +oin shit the0 /oul+n7t o. tolerate+ even in the nut schoolri11in out the
toilets6 .or instance6 so7s 0ou7+ go to the bathroom an /oul+n7t .ine nothin but a hole in
the .loor to shit in6 an the07+ have heave+ the toilet out the /in+er onto the to1 o.
somebo+07s car +rivin 1ast2 Cne night some big ole goo.ball /hat 1la0e+ in the line got
out a ri.le an commence to shoot out all the /in+ers in somebo+07s .raternit0 house
across the street2 3he cam1us co1s come rushin over6 but the .eller +ro1 a big outboar+
motor he .oun+ some1lace out the /in+er onto the to1 o. the co1 car2 :oach Br0ant
make him run a bunch o. e5tra la1s .or +oing that2
:urtis an me ain7t gettin along so hot6 an I never been so lonel02 I miss m0 mama6 an
/anta go back home2 3rouble /ith :urtis is6 I +on7t un+erstan+ him2 Everthing he sa0
got so man0 cuss/or+s in it6 time I get to .iggerin out /hat the0 are6 I miss his 1oint2
*ost o. the time6 I gather his 1oint is that he ain7t ha110 bout somethin2
:urtis ha+ a car an he use+ to give me a ri+e to 1ractice6 but one +a0 I go to meet him an
he cussin an gro/lin an bent over a big +rain grate in the street2 Seems he7s got a .lat tire
an /hen he go to change it he 1ut the lug nuts in his hubca1 an+ acci+entall0 knock em
+o/n into the +rain2 @e .i5in to be late to 1ractice /hich /as not real goo+ to +o6 so7s I
sa0 to :urtis6 =@h0 +on7t 0ou take one lug nut o.. each o. them three other tires an that
/a0 0ou /ill have three nuts on each tire6 /hich ought to be enough to get us to
1ractice>=
:urtis sto1 cussin .or a moment an look u1 at me an sa06 =Aou su11ose+ to be a i+iot 6
ho/ 0ou .igure that out>= Dn I sa06 =*a0be I am a i+iot6 but at least I ain7t stu1i+ 6= an at
this6 :urtis ;um1 u1 an commence chasin me /ith the tire tool6 callin me ever terrible
thing he can think u16 an that 1rett0 much ruin our relationshi12
D.ter that6 I +eci+e I got to .in+ another 1lace to sta06 so /hen /e git o.. .rom 1ractice I
gone +o/n into the basement o. the D1e 4orm an s1en the rest o. the night there2 It
/a+n7t no +irtier than the u1stairs rooms an there /as an electric lightbulb2 Ne5 +a0 I
move+ m0 cot +o/n there an .rom then on6 it /as /here I live+2
*eantime6 school is +one starte+ an the0 got to .igger out /hat to +o /ith me2 3he0 /as
a gu0 /ith the atheletic +e1artment that seeme+ to +o nothin but .igger out ho/ to get
+ummos to /here the0 coul+ 1ass a class2 Some o. the classes /as s1ose+ to be eas06
such as Ph0sical E+ucation6 an the0 enroll me in that2 But also I have got to take one
English course an one science or math6 an there is no gettin aroun that2 @hat I learnt
later /as that there /as certain teachers that /oul+ give a .ootball 1la0er a sort o. break6
meanin that the07+ a11reciate he is consume+ /ith 1la0in .ootball an cannot s1en+ much
o. his time on school2 3he0 /as one o. these teachers in the science +e1artment6 but
un.ortunatel06 the onl0 class he taught /as somethin calle+ =Interme+iate Light6= /hich
/as a11arentl0 .or gra+uate 1h0sics ma;ors or something2 But the0 1ut me in there
an0ho/6 even though I +i+n7t kno/ 1h0sics .rom 1h0se+2
I /as not so luck0 in English2 3he0 a11arentl0 +i+ not have no s0m1athetic 1eo1le over
in that +e1artment6 so7s the0 tole me ;ust to go ahea+ an take the class an .ail it6 an the07+
.igger out somethin else later2
In Interme+iate Light6 the0 1rovi+e me /ith a te5tbook that /eigh .ive 1oun+s an look
like a :hinaman /rote it2 But ever night I take it +o/n to the basement an set on m0 cot
un+er the lightbulb6 an a.ter a /ile6 .or some 1eculiar reason6 it begun to make sense2
@hat +i+ not make sense /as /h0 /e /as s1ose+ to be +oin it in the .irst 1lace6 but
.iggerin out them e9uations /as eas0 as 1ie2 Pro.essor <ooks /as m0 teacher7s name6 an
a.ter the .irst test6 he a5e+ me to come to his o..ice a.ter class2 <e sa06 =(orrest6 I /ant
0ou to tell me the truth6 +i+ somebo+0 1rovi+e 0ou the ans/ers to these 9uestions>= Dn I
shake m0 hea+6 an then he han me a sheet o. 1a1er /ith a 1roblem /ritten on it an+ sa0s
.or me to set +o/n an .igger it out2 @hen I7m thru6 Pro.essor <ooks look at /hat I +one
an shake his hea+ an sa06 =,reatgo+amight02=
English class /as another +eal entirel02 3he teacher is a *ister Boone6 an he a ver0 stern
1erson /ho talk a lot2 Dt the en+ o. the .irst +a06 he sa0 .or us to set +o/n that night an
/rite a short autobiogra1h0 o. oursel.s .or him2 It7s ;us bout the most +i..icult thing I
ever tr0 to +o6 but I sta0 u1 most o. the night6 thinkin an /ritin6 an I ;ust sa0 /hatever
come to mine on account o. the0 tole me to .ail the class an0ho/2
D .e/ +a0s later6 *ister Boone start han+in back our 1a1ers an he criticism an makin
.un o. everbo+07s autobiogra1h02 3hen he come to /hat I +one6 an I .igger I7m in the
+oghouse .or sure2 But he hol+ u1 m0 1a1er an start rea+in it out lou+ to everbo+0 an he
commences laughin an everbo+0 else is too2 I ha+ tole bout bein in the nut school6 an
1la0in .ootball .or :oach (ellers an goin to the Dll State (ootball ban9uet6 an about the
+a.t boar+6 an )enn0 :urran an the movie an all2 @hen he7s thru6 *r2 Boone6 he sa06
=No/ here is originalit0E <ere is /hat I /ant 6= an everbo+0 turn an look at me6 an he
sa0s6 =*ister ,um16 0ou ought to think about gettin into the creative /riting
+e1artmentho/ +i+ 0ou think this u1>= Dn I sa0s6 =I got to 1ee2=
*ister Boone kin+a ;um1 back .or a secont6 an then he bust out laughin an so +oes
everbo+0 else6 an he sa0s6 =*ister ,um16 0ou are a ver0 amusing .eller2=
Dn so I am sur1rise+ again2
3he .irst .ootball game /as on a Satur+a0 a .e/ /eeks later2 *ost o. the time 1ractice
ha+ been 1rett0 ba+6 till :oach Br0ant .iggere+ out /hat to +o /ith me6 /hich /as bout
/hat :oach (ellers ha+ +one at highschool2 3he0 ;us give me the ball an let me run2 I
run goo+ that +a06 an score .our touch+o/ns6 an /e /hi1 the ?niversit0 o. ,eorgia &$
to & an everbo+0 sla11in me on the back till it hurt2 D.ter I get cleane+ u1 I 1hone+ m0
mama an she +one listene+ to the game over the ra+io an is so ha110 she can bustE 3hat
night6 everbo+0 goin to 1arties an shit6 but nobo+0 a5e+ me to an06 so I go on +o/n to
the basement2 I7m there a /ile /hen I hear this kin+ o. music comin .rom some1lace
u1stairs an+ it7s real 1rett0like6 an6 I +on7t kno/ /h06 but I /ent on u1 there to .in+ out
/hat it /as2
3here /as this gu06 Bubba6 settin in his room 1la0in a mouth organ2 <e7+ broke his .oot
in 1ractice an coul+n7t 1la0 an +i+n7t have no/here to go either2 <e let me set on a cot an
listen to him6 /e +i+n7t talk or nothing6 he ;us settin on one cot an me on the other6 an
he7s 1la0ing his harmonica2 Dn a.ter bout a hour I a5e+ him i. I coul+ tr0 it an he sa0s6
=Cka02= Little +i+ I kno/ that it /oul+ change m0 li.e .orever2
D.ter I7+ 1la0e+ aroun on the thing .or a /ile6 I got to /here7s I coul+ 1la0 1rett0 goo+6
an Bubba /as goin craF06 sa0in he7s never hear+ such goo+ shit2 D.ter it got late6 Bubba
sa0s .or me to take the harmonica /ith me6 an I +i+6 an 1la0e+ it a long time6 till I got
slee10 an+ /ent to be+2
Ne5t +a06 Sun+a06 I /ent to take the harmonica back to Bubba but he sa0 .or me to kee1
it6 cause he got another one6 an I /as real ha1106 an /ent .or a /alk an set +o/n un+er a
tree an 1la0e+ all +a0 long6 till I run out o. things to 1la02
It /as late in the a.ternoon6 an the sun /as almost gone /hen I begun to /alk back to
the D1e 4orm2 I /as goin across the 8ua+rangle /hen su++enl0 I hear this girl7s voice
shout out6 =(orrestE=
I turn aroun an /ho shoul+ be behin me but )enn0 :urran2
She has a big smile on her .ace an+ she come u1 an+ took me b0 the han6 an sa0s she
sa/ me 1la0 .ootball 0ester+a0 an+ ho/ goo+ I /as an all2 It turns out she ain7t ma+ or
an0thin bout /hat ha11en in the movie6 an sa0s it ain7t m0 .ault6 it /as ;us one o. them
things2 She a5e i. I /ant to have a :o7:ola /ith her2
It /as too nice to believe6 settin there /ith )enn0 :urran6 an she sa0 she takin classes in
music an +rama an that she 1lannin on bein a actress or a singer2 She also 1la0in in a
little ban+ that +o .olk music stu..6 an tells me the0 gonna be at the Stu+ent ?nion
buil+in tomorro/ night an .or me to come b02 Let me tell 0ou6 I can har+l0 /ait2
4
No/ there is a secret thing that coach Br0ant an them +one .iggere+ out6 an nobo+0
s1ose+ to mention it6 even to oursel.s2 3he0 been teachin me ho/ to catch a .ootball
1ass2 Ever +a0 a.ter 1ractice I been /orkin /ith t/o goons an a 9uarterback6 runnin out
an catchin 1asses6 runnin out an catchin 1asses6 till I7m so e5hauste+ m0 tongue hangin
+o/n to m0 navel2 But I gettin to /here I can catch em6 an :oach Br0ant6 he sa0 this
gonna be our =secret /ea1on=like a =D+am Bomb6= or somethin6 cause a.ter a /ile
them other teams gonna .igger out the0 ain7t tho/in me the ball an /ill not be /atchin
.or it2
=3hen6= :oach Br0ant sa06 =/e is gonna turn 0our big ass loosesi5 .oot si56 t/o hun+rit
.ort0 1oun+san run the hun+rit 0ar+s in 92$ secon+s .lat2 It is gonna be a sightE=
Bubba an me is real goo+ .rien+s b0 no/6 an he he1e+ me learn some ne/ songs on the
harmonica2 Sometimes he come +o/n to the basement an+ /e set aroun an 1la0 along
together6 but Bubba sa0 I am .ar better than he ever /ill be2 I got to tell 0ou6 that i. it
/eren7t .or that harmonica music6 I might o. ;us 1acke+ u1 an gone home6 but it ma+e
me .eel so goo+6 I can har+l0 +escribe it2 Sort o. like m0 /hole bo+0 is the harmonica an
the music give me goosebum1s /hen I 1la0 it2 *ostl0 the trick is in the tongue6 li1s6
.ingers an+ ho/ 0ou move 0our neck2 I think 1erha1s runnin a.ter all them 1asses has
cause+ m0 tongue to hang out longer6 /hich is a hell o. a note6 so to s1eak2
Ne5 (ri+a06 I git all slicke+ u1 an Bubba len+ me some hair tonic an shavin lotion an I
go on over to the Stu+ent ?nion buil+ing2 3he0 is a big cro/+ there an sure enough6
)enn0 :urran an three or .our other 1eo1le is u1 on stage2 )enn0 is /earin a long +ress
an 1la0in the guitar6 an somebo+0 else has a ban;o an there is a gu0 /ith a bull .i++le6
1luckin it /ith his .ingers2
3he0 soun+ real goo+6 an )enn0 seen me back in the cro/+6 an smiles an 1oints /ith her
e0es .or me to come u1 an set in the .ront2 It is ;ust beauti.ul6 settin there on the .loor
listenin an /atchin )enn0 :urran2 I /as kin+a thinkin that later6 I /oul+ bu0 some
+ivinit0 an see i. she /ante+ some too2
3he0 ha+ 1la0e+ .or an hour or so6 an everbo+0 seeme+ ha110 an .eelin goo+2 3he0 /as
1la0in )oan BaeF music6 an Bob 40lan an Peter6 Paul an *ar02 I /as l0ing back /ith m0
e0es close+6 listenin6 an all o. a su++en6 I ain7t sure /hat ha11en6 but I ha+ 1ulle+ out m0
harmonica an /as ;us 1la0in along /ith them2
It /as the strangest thing2 )enn0 /as singin =Blo/in in the @in+= an /hen I begun to
1la06 she sto11e+ .or a secont6 an the ban;o 1la0er6 he sto11e+ too6 an the0 get this ver0
su1rise+ looks on the0 .aces6 an then )enn0 give a big grin an she commence to 1ick u1
the song again6 an the ban;o 1la0er6 he sto1 an give me a chance to ri+e m0 harmonica
.or a /ile6 an everbo+0 in the cro/+ begun to cla1 an cheer /hen I /as +one2 )enn0
come +o/n .rom the stage a.ter that an the ban+ take a break an she sa06 =(orrest6 /hat
in the /orl+> @here 0ou learn to 1la0 that thing>= Dn0ho/6 a.ter that6 )enn0 got me to
1la0 /ith their ban+2 It /as ever (ri+a06 an /hen there /asn7t an out o. to/n game6 I
ma+e t/ent0.ive bucks a night2 It /ere ;us like heaven till I .oun out )enn0 :urran been
scre/in the ban;o 1la0er2
?n.ortunatel06 it /as not goin so goo+ in English class2 *ister Boone ha+ calle+ me in
bout a /eek or so a.ter he rea+ m0 autobiogra1h0 to the class an+ he sa06 =*ister ,um16
I believe it is time .or 0ou to sto1 tr0in to be amusin an+ start gettin serious2= <e han me
back an assignment I ha+ /rit on the 1oet @or+s/orth2
=3he -omantic Perio+6= he sa06 =+i+ not .ollo/ a bunch o. 7classic bullshit27 Nor /ere
the 1oets Po1e an+ 4r0+en a cou1le o. 7tur+s27 =
<e tell me to +o the thing over again6 an I7m beginnin to realiFe *ister Boone +on7t
un+erstan+ I7m a i+iot6 but he /as bout to .in+ out2
*eantime6 somebo+0 must o. sai+ somethin to somebo+06 cause one +a0 m0 gui+ance
counselor at the atheletic +e1artment call me in an tells me I7m e5cuse+ .rom other
classes an to re1ort the ne5t mornin to a 4octor *ills at the ?niversit0 *e+ical :enter2
Bright an earl0 I go over there an 4octor *ills got a big stack o. 1a1ers in .ront o. him6
lookin through them6 an he tell me to sit +o/n an+ start a5in me 9uestions2 @hen he
.inishe+6 he tell me to take o.. m0 clothesall but m0 un+ershorts6 /hich I breathe+
easier a.ter hearin cause o. /hat ha11en the last time /ith the Drm0 +octorsan he
commence+ to stu+0in me real har+6 lookin in m0 e0es an all6 an bongin me on the
kneeca1s /ith a little rubber hammer2
D.ter/ar+6 4octor *ills a5e+ i. I /oul+ mine comin back that a.ternoon an a5e+ i. I
/oul+ bring m0 harmonica /ith me6 cause he ha+ hear+ bout it6 an /oul+ I mine 1la0in
a tune .or one o. his me+ical classes> I sai+ I /oul+6 although it seeme+ 1eculiar6 even to
somebo+0 +umb as me2
3he0 /as about a hun+rit 1eo1le in the me+ical class all /earin green a1rons an takin
notes2 4octor *ills 1ut me u1 on the stage in a chair /ith a 1itcher an a glass o. /ater in
.ront o. me2
<e7s sa0in a /hole bunch o. cra1 I +on7t .ollo/6 but a.ter a /ile I get the .eelin he7s
talkin bout me 2
=I+iot savant 6= he sa0 lou+l06 an everbo+0 be starin m0 /a02
=D 1erson /ho cannot tie a necktie6 /ho can barel0 lace u1 his shoes6 /ho has the
mental ca1acit0 o. 1erha1s a si5 to ten0earol+6 an+in this casethe bo+0 o.6 /ell6 an
D+onis 2= 4octor *ills be smilin at me in a /a0 I +on7t like6 but I7m stuck6 I guess2
=But the min+6= he sa0s6 =the min+ o. the i+iot savant has rare 1ockets o. brilliance6 so
that (orrest here can solve a+vance+ mathematical e9uations that /oul+ stum1 an0 o.
0ou6 an+ he can 1ick u1 com1le5 musical themes /ith the ease o. LisFt or Beethoven2
I+iot savant 6= he sa0s again6 s/ee1in his han in m0 +irection2
I ain7t sure /hat I7m s1ose+ to +o6 but he ha+ sai+ .or me to 1la0 somethin6 so I 1ull out
the harmonica an start 1la0in =Pu..6 the *agic 4ragon2= Everbo+0 settin there /atchin
me like I7m a bug or somethin6 an /hen the song7s over the0 still ;us settin there lookin at
me+on7t even cla1 or nothin2 I .iggere+ the0 +on7t like it6 so I stoo+ u1 an sai+6
=3hanks6= an I le.2 Shit on them 1eo1le2
3he0 is onl0 t/o more things the rest o. that school term that /as even hal./a0
im1ortant2 3he .irst /as /hen /e /on the National :ollege (ootball :ham1ionshi1 an
/ent to the Crange Bo/l6 an the secon+ /as /hen I .oun+ out )enn0 :urran /as
scre/in the ban;o 1la0er2
It /as the night /e /as s1ose+ to 1la0 at a .raternit0 house 1art0 at the ?niversit02 @e
ha+ ha+ a terribil0 har+ 1ractice that a.ternoon6 an I /as so thirst0 I coul+a +rank out o.
the toilet like a +og2 But the0 /as this little sto/ .ive or si5 blocks .rom the D1e 4orm
an a.ter 1ractice I /alke+ on u1 there .i5in to git me some limes an+ some sugar an .i5
me a limea+e like m0 mama use+ to make .or me2 3he0 is a ole crosse0e+ /oman behin
the counter an she look at me like I7m a hol+u1 man or somethin2 I7m lookin .or the limes
an a.ter a /ile she sa0s6 =Bin I he1 0ou>= an I sa0s6 =I /ant some limes6= an she tells me
the0 ain7t got no limes2 So I a5e+ her i. the0 got an0 lemons6 cause I7s thinkin a
lemona+e /oul+ +o6 but the0 ain7t got none o. them either6 or oranges or nothin2 It ain7t
that kin+ o. sto/2 I musta look aroun ma0be an hour or mo6 an the /oman be gettin
nervous6 an .inall0 she sa06 =Din7t 0ou gonna bu0 nothin>= so I get a can o. 1eaches o..
the she.6 an some sugar6 thinkin i. I can7t have an0thin else I can ma0be make me a
1eacha+e or somethin6 I bout +0in o. thirst2 @hen I git back to m0 basement I o1en the
can /ith a kni.e an s9uash the 1eaches u1 insi+e one o. m0 socks an strain it into a ;ar2
3hen I 1ut in some /ater an sugar an get it stirre+ u16 but I7ll tell 0ou /hatit +on7t taste
nothin like a limea+ematter o. .act6 it taste more than an0thin else like hot socks2
Dn0ho/6 I s1ose+ to be at the .raternit0 house at seven o7clock an /hen I get there some
o. the .ellers is settin u1 the stu.. an all6 but )enn0 an+ the ban;o gu0 are no/here to be
.oun+2 I asse+ aroun .or a /ile6 an then I /ent out to get m0se. some .resh air in the
1arkin lot2 I sa/ )enn07s car6 an thought ma0be she ;ust get here2
Dll the /in+ers in the car is steame+ u16 so7s 0ou can7t see insi+e2 @ell6 all o. a su++en I
think ma0be she7s in there an can7t git out6 an ma0be gettin that e5haust 1oison or
somethin6 so I o1en the +oor an look in2 @hen I +o6 the light come on2
3here she is6 l0ing on the back seat6 the to1 o. her +ress 1ulle+ +o/n an the bottom
1ulle+ u12 Ban;o 1la0er there too6 on to1 o. her2 )enn0 seen me an start screamin an
.lailin ;us like she +one in the 1itcher sho/6 an it su++enl0 occur to me that ma0be she
bein moleste+ 6 so7s I gra11e+ the ban;o 1la0er b0 his shirt6 /hich /as all he7s got on
an0ho/6 an snatche+ his ass o.. her2
@ell6 it +i+ not take no i+iot to .igger out that I gone an +one the /rong thing again2
)esus :hrist6 0ou can7t imagine such carr0in on2 <e cussin me6 she cussin me an tr0in to
git her +ress 1ulle+ u1 an +o/n6 an .inall0 )enn0 sa06 =Ch (orrestho/ coul+ 0ouE= an
/alk o..2 Ban;o 1la0er 1ick u1 his ban;o an leave too2
Dn0ho/6 a.ter that6 it /ere a11arent I /as not /elcome to 1la0 in the little ban+ no
more6 an I /ent on back to the basement2 I still coul+n7t un+erstan e5actl0 /hat ha+ been
goin on6 but later that night Bubba seen m0 light on an he sto1 +o/n an /hen I tell him
bout the thing6 he sa06 =,oo+ grie.6 (orrest6 them 1eo1le /as makin loveE= @ell6 I
reckon I might have .iggere+ that out m0se.6 but to be honest6 it /as not somethin I
/ante+ to kno/2 Sometimes6 ho/ever6 a man got to look at the .acts2
It is 1robl0 a goo+ thing I /as ke1 bus0 1la0in .ootball6 cause it /as such a a/.ul .eelin6
realiFin )enn0 /as +oin that /ith the ban;o 1la0er6 an that she 1robl0 ha+n7t even a
thought bout me in that regar+2 But b0 this time /e /as un+e.eate+ the entire season an
/as goin to 1la0 .or the National :ham1ionshi1 at the Crange Bo/l against them corn
shuckers .rom Nebraska2 It /as al/a0s a big thing /hen /e 1la0e+ a team .rom u1
North cause .or sure the0 /oul+ have colore+ on their si+e6 an that be a reason .or a lot
o. consternation .rom some o. the gu0slike m0 e5roomate :urtis6 .or e5am1lealtho I
never /orrie+ bout it m0se.6 on account o. most o. the colore+ I ever met be nicer to me
than /hite 1eo1le2
Dn0ho/6 /e gone on +o/n to the Crange Bo/l in *iami6 an come game time6 /e is
some kin+ o. stirre+ u12 :oach Br0ant come in the locker room an +on7t sa0 much6 ce1t
that i. /e /ant to /in6 /e got to 1la0 har+6 or somesuch6 an then /e be out on the .iel+
an the0 kicke+ o.. to us2 3he ball come +irectl0 to me an I gra1 it outta the air an run
straight into a 1ile o. Nebraska corn shucker niggers an big ole /hite bo0s that /eigh
about $!! 1oun+s a1iece2
It /ere that /a0 the /hole a.ternoon2 Dt hal.time6 the0 /as ahea+ %' to # an /e /as a
.orelorn an sorr0 lot o. gu0s2 :oach Br0ant come into the +ressing room an he be shakin
his hea+ like he e51ecte+ all along that /e /as goin to let him +o/n2 3hen he start
+ra/in on the chalk boar+ an+ talkin to Snake6 the 9uarterback6 an some o. the others6 an
then he call out m0 name an a5e me to come /ith him into the hall/a02
=(orrest6= he sa0s6 =this shit has got to sto12= <is .ace right u1 against mine6 an I .eel his
breath hot on m0 cheeks2 =(orrest6= he sa06 =all 0ear long /e been runnin them 1ass
1atterns to 0ou in secret6 an 0ou been +oin great2 No/ /e is gonna +o it against them
Nebraska corn ;acko..s this secon+ hal.6 an the0 /ill be so .ake+ out6 the0 ;ockstra1s
gonna be +anglin roun the0 ankles2 But it is u1 to 0ou6 bo0so go out there an run like a
/il+ animal is a.ter 0ou2=
I no+ m0 hea+6 an then it be time to get back on the .iel+2 Everbo+0 be hollerin an
cheerin6 but I sort o. .eel the0 is a un.air bur+en on m0 shoul+ers2 @hat the hell6 tho
that7s ;us the /a0 it is sometimes2
(irst 1la0 /hen /e git the ball6 Snake6 the 9uarterback6 sa0 in the hu++le6 =Cka06 /e
gonna run the (orrest Series no/6= an he sa0s to me6 =Aou ;us run out t/ent0 0ar+s an
look back6 an the ball be there2= Dn +amn i. it /a+n7tE Score is %' to 14 all o. a su++en2
@e 1la0 real goo+ a.ter that6 ce1t them Nebraska corn ;erko.. niggers an big ole +umb
/hite bo0s6 the0 ain7t ;us settin there observin the scene2 3he0 has got some tricks o.
the0 o/nmainl0 like runnin all over us as i. /e /as ma+e o. car+boar+ or somethin2
But the0 is still some/hat su1rise+ that I can catch the ball6 an a.ter I catch it .our or .ive
more times6 an the score is %' to %16 the0 begin to 1ut t/o .ellers to chasin a.ter me2
<o/ever6 that leave ,/inn6 the en+6 /ith nobo+0 much to chase him aroun6 an he catch
Snake7s 1ass an 1ut us on the .i.teen 0ar+ line2 @easel6 the 1lace kicker6 get a .iel+ goal
an the score no/ be %' to %42
Cn the si+eline6 :oach Br0ant come u1 to me an sa06 =(orrest6 0ou ma0 be a shit.or
brains6 but 0ou has got to 1ull this thing out .or us2 I /ill 1ersonall0 see that 0ou are
ma+e Presi+ent o. the ?nite+ States or /hatever else 0ou /ant6 i. 0ou can ;us haul that
.ootball over the goal line one more time2= <e 1at me on the hea+ then6 like I /as a +og6
an back in the game I go2
3he Snake6 he get caught behin the line right at the .irst 1la06 an the clock is runnin out
.ast2 Cn the secon+ 1la06 he tr0 to .ake em out b0 han+in me the ball6 ste+ o. tho/in it6
but bout t/o tons o. Nebraska corn ;acko.. bee.6 black an /hite6 .all on to1 o. me right
a/a02 I l0ing there6 .lat on m0 back6 thinkin /hat it must o. been like /hen that netloa+
o. bananas .all on m0 +a++06 an then I gone back in the hu++le again2
=(orrest6= Snake sa0s6 =I gonna .ake a 1ass to ,/inn6 but I am gonna tho/ the ball to
0ou6 so I /ant 0ou to run +o/n there to the cornerback an then turn right an the ball be
right there2= Snake7s e0es are /il+ as a tiger7s2 I no+ m0 hea+6 an +o as I am tole2
Sure enough6 Snake heaves the ball into m0 hans an I be tearin to/ar+ the mi++le o. the
.iel+ /ith the goal1osts straight ahea+2 But all o. a su++en a giant man come .l0in into
me an+ slo/ me +o/n6 an then all the Nebraska corn ;erko.. niggers an big ole +umb
/hite bo0s in the /orl+ start gra11in an gougin an stom1in on me an I .all +o/n2 4amnE
@e ain7t got but a .e/ 0ar+s to go .ore /innin the game2 @hen I git o.. m0 back6 I see
Snake got everbo+0 line u1 alrea+0 .or the last 1la06 on accounta /e got no more time
outs2 Soon as I git to m0 1lace6 he calls .or the sna1 an I run out6 but he su++enl0 tho/e+
the ball bout %! .eet over m0 hea+6 outta boun+s on 1ur1oseto sto1 the clock I guess6
/hich onl0 has % or & seconts le. on it2
?n.ortunatel0 tho6 Snake +one got con.use+ about things6 I s1ose he7s thinkin it thir+
+o/n an /e got one more 1la0 le.6 but in .act it /ere .orth +o/n6 an so /e lose the ball
an also6 o. course6 /e lose the game2 It soun+ like somethin I /oul+a +one2
Dn0ho/6 it /as e5tra sa+ .or me6 cause I kin+a .iggere+ )enn0 :urran /as 1robl0
/atchin the game an ma0be i. I +one got the ball an+ /in the game6 she tr0 to .orgive
me .or +oin /hat I +one to her2 But that /ere not to be2 :oach Br0ant /ere might0
unha110 over /hat ha11en6 but he suck it u1 an sa06 =@ell6 bo0s6 there7s al/a0s ne5
0ear2=
:e1t .or me6 that is2 3hat /as not to be either2
$
D.ter the Crange Bo/l6 the Dtheletic 4e1artment get m0 gra+es .or the .irst term6 an it
ain7t long be.ore :oach Br0ant sen+ .or me to come to his o..ice2 @hen I get there6 he
lookin bleak2
=(orrest6= he sa06 =I can un+erstan ho/ 0ou .lunke+ reme+ial English6 but it /ill m0sti.0
me to the en+ o. m0 +a0s ho/ 0ou manage+ to get an D in something calle+
Interme+iate Light6 an then an ( in 1h0se+ class/hen 0ou is ;us been name+ the *ost
Haluable :ollege Back in the Southeastern :on.erenceE=
It /as a long stor0 that I +i+ not /ant to bore :oach Br0ant /ith6 but /h0 in hell +o I
nee+ to kno/ the +istance bet/een goal1osts on a soccer .iel+ an0/a0> @ell6 :oach
Br0ant lookin at me /ith a terrible sa+ e51ression on his .ace2 =(orrest6= he sa06 =I regret
a/.ull0 havin to tell 0ou this6 but 0ou is +one .lunke+ out o. school6 an there is nothin I
can +o2=
I ;us stoo+ there6 t/istin m0 han+s6 till it su++enl0 come to me /hat he is sa0inI ain7t
gonna get to 1la0 no more .ootball2 I got to leave the ?niversit02 *a0be I never see an0
o. the other gu0s no more2 *a0be I never see )enn0 :urran no more either2 I got to
move outta m0 basement6 an I /on7t get to take D+vance+ Light ne5 term6 like Pro.essor
<ooks have sai+ I /oul+2 I +i+n7t realiFe it6 but tears begun comin to m0 e0es2 I ain7t
sa0in nothin2 I ;us stan+in there6 hea+ hangin +o/n2
3hen :oach6 he stan+ u1 hisse.6 an come over to me an he 1ut his arm aroun me2
<e sa06 =(orrest6 it oka06 son2 @hen 0ou .irst come here6 I e51ect somethin like this
/oul+ ha11en2 But I tole em then6 I sai+6 ;ust give me that bo0 .or one seasonthat is all I
ask2 @ell6 (orrest6 /e has ha+ oursel.s one hell o. a season2 3hat is .or sure2 Dn it
certainl0 /eren7t 0our .ault that Snake tho/e+ the ball out o. boun+s on .orth +o/n2222=
I look u1 then6 an the0 is little tears in :oach7s e0es6 too6 an he is lookin at me real har+2
=(orrest6= he sa06 =there has never been nobo+0 like 0ou ever 1la0e+ ball at this school6
an there /on7t be never again2 Aou /as ver0 .ine2=
3hen :oach go over an stan+ lookin out the /in+er6 an he sa06 =,oo+ luck6 bo0no/ git
0our big +umb ass outta here2=
Dn so I ha+ to leave the ?niversit02
I gone back an 1ack u1 m0 shit in the basement2 Bubba come +o/n an he +one brought
t/o beers an give one to me2 I ain7t never +rank a beer6 but I can see ho/ a .eller coul+
ac9uire a taste .or it2
Bubba /alk /ith me outsi+e the D1e 4orm6 an lo an behole6 /ho shoul+ be stan+in
there but the entire .ootball team2
3he0 is ver0 9uiet6 an Snake6 he come u1 an shake m0 han an sa06 =(orrest6 I am ver0
sorr0 about that 1ass6 oka0>= Dn I sa0s6 =Sure Snake6 oka02= Dn then the0 all come u16
one b0 one6 an shake m0 han6 even ole :urtis6 /ho is /earin a bo+0 brace .rom his neck
+o/n on accounta bashin +o/n one +oor too man0 in the D1e 4orm2
Bubba sa0 he7+ he1 me carr0 m0 shit +o/n to the bus +e1ot6 but I sa0 I7+ rather go alone2
=Bee1 in touch6= he sa02 Dn0ho/6 on the /a0 to the bus station6 I 1ass b0 the Stu+ent
?nion store6 but it ain7t (ri+a0 night6 an )enn0 :urran7s ban+ is not 1la0in6 so I sa06 the
hell /ith it6 an catch the bus on home2
It /as late at night /hen the bus got to *obile2 I ha+ not tole m0 mama /hat ha+
ha11ene+6 cause I kne/ she7+ be u1set6 so I /alk on home6 but the0 is a light on u1 in
her room an /hen I get insi+e6 the0 she is6 cr0ing an+ ba/ling ;us like I remember2 @hat
ha+ ha11en6 she tell me6 is that the ?nite+ States Drm0 has alrea+0 hear+ bout me not
makin m0 gra+es6 an that ver0 +a0 a notice +one come .or me to re1ort to the ?2S2 Drm0
In+uction :enter2 I. I ha+ kno/n then /hat I kno/ no/6 I /oul+ never ha+ +one it2
*0 mama take me +o/n there a .e/ +a0s later2 She has 1acke+ me a bo5 lunch in case I
get hungr0 on the /a0 to /herever /e is going2 3he0 is about a hun+rit gu0s stan+in
aroun an .our or .ive busses /aiting2 D big ole sergeant be hollerin an 0ellin at everbo+06
an *ama goes u1 to him an sa0s6 =I +on7t see ho/ 0ou can take m0 bo0cause he7s a
i+iot 6= but the sergeant ;us look back at her an sa06 =@ell6 la+06 /hat +o 0ou think all
these other 1eo1le is> Einsteins>= an he gone on back to hollerin an 0ellin2 Prett0 soon
he 0ell at me6 too6 an I git on the bus an a/a0 /e /ent2
Ever since I le. the nut school 1eo1le been shoutin at me:oach (ellers6 :oach Br0ant
an the goons6 an no/ the 1eo1le in the Drm02 But let me sa0 this: them 1eo1le in the
Drm0 0ell longer an lou+er an nastier than an0bo+0 else2 3he0 is never ha1102 Dn
.urthermore6 the0 +o not com1lain that 0ou is +umb or stu1i+ like coaches +othe0 is
more intereste+ in 0our 1rivate 1arts or bo/el movements6 an so al/a0s 1rece+e the0
0ellin /ith somethin like =+ickhea+= or =asshole2= Sometimes I /on+er i. :urtis ha+
been in the Drm0 be.ore he /ent to 1la0 .ootball2
Dn0ho/6 a.ter about a hun+rit hours on the bus /e get to (ort Benning6 ,eorgia6 an all
I7m thinkin is &$ to &6 the score /hen /e /hu11e+ them ,eorgia 4ogs2 3he con+itions
in the barracks is actuall0 a little better than the0 /as in the D1e 4orm6 but the .oo+ is
notit is terrible6 altho there is a lot o. it2
Cther than that6 it /as ;ust +oin /hat the0 tole us an gettin 0elle+ at in the months to
come2 3he0 taught us to shoot guns6 tho/ han+ grena+es an cra/l aroun on our bellies2
@hen /e /a+n7t +oin that /e /as either runnin some1lace or cleanin toilets an things2
3he one thing I remember .rom (ort Benning is that the0 +i+n7t seem to be nobo+0 much
smarter than I /as6 /hich /as certainl0 a relie.2
Not too long a.ter I arrive6 I get 1ut on BP6 on account o. I have acci+entall0 shot a hole
in the /ater to/er /hen /e /as +o/n at the ri.le range2 @hen I get to the kitchen6 it
seems the cook is took sick or somethin6 an somebo+0 1oint to me an sa06 =,um16 0ou is
gonna be the cook to+a02=
=@hat I7m gonna cook>= I a5e+2 =I ain7t never cooke+ be.ore2=
=@ho cares6= somebo+0 sa02 =3his ain7t the Sans Souci6 07kno/2=
=@h0 +on7t 0ou make a ste/>= somebo+0 else sa02 =It7s easier2=
=@hat o.>= I a5e+2
=Look in the icebo5 an the 1antr06= the .eller sa02 =)ust tho/ in everthin 0ou see an boil
it u12=
=@hat i. it +on7t taste goo+>= I a5e+2
=@ho gives a shit2 Aou ever eat an0thin aroun+ here that +i+>=
In this6 he is correct2
@ell6 I commence+ to get everthin I coul+ .rom the icebo5es an the 1antr02 3he0 /as
cans o. tomatos an beans an 1eaches an bacon an rice an bags o. .lour an sacks o.
1otatoes an I +on7t kno/ /hat all else2 I gathere+ it all together an sa0 to one o. the gu0s6
=@hat I7m gonna cook it in>=
=3he0 is some 1ots in the closet6= he sa06 but /hen I looke+ in the closet6 the0 is ;us
small 1ots6 an certainl0 not large enough to cook a ste/ .or t/o hun+rit men in the
com1an02
=@h0 +on7t 0ou a5e the lieutenant>= somebo+0 sa02
=<e7s out in the .iel+ on maneuvers6= come the re1l02
=I +on7t kno/6= sa0 one .eller6 =but /hen them gu0s get back here to+a06 the0 gonna be
+amn hungr06 so 0ou better think o. somethin2=
=@hat about this>= I a5e+2 3he0 /as an enormous iron thing bout si5 .eet high an .ive
.eet aroun settin in the corner2
=3hat> 3hat7s the go++amn steam boiler2 Aou can7t cook nothin in there2=
=<o/ come6= I sa02
=@ell6 I +unno2 I ;us /oul+n +o it i. I /as 0ou2=
=It7s hot2 It7s got /ater in it6= I sa0s2
=4o /hat 0ou /ant6= somebo+0 sa06 =/e got other shit to +o2=
Dn so I use+ the steam boiler2 I o1ene+ all the cans an 1eele+ all the 1otatoes an tho/e+
in /hatever meat I coul+ .in+ an onions an carrots an 1oure+ in ten or t/ent0 bottles o.
catsu1 an mustar+ an all2 D.ter bout a hour6 0ou coul+ begin to smell the ste/ cookin2
=<o/7s the +inner comin>= somebo+0 a5e+ a.ter a /ile2
=I7ll go taste it6= I sa02
I un.astene+ the li+ to the boiler an there it /as6 0ou coul+ see all the shit bubblin an
boilin u16 an ever so o.ten a onion or a 1otato /ou+ come to the to1 an .loat aroun2
=Let me taste it6= a .eller a5e+2 <e took a tin cu1 an +i1 out some ste/2
=Sa06 this shit ain7t near +one 0et6= he sa0s2 =Aou better turn u1 the heat2 3hem .ellers7ll
be here an0 minute2=
So I turne+ u1 the heat on the boiler an sure enough6 the com1an0 begun comin in .rom
the .iel+2 Aou coul+ hear them in the barracks takin sho/ers an gettin +resse+ .or the
evenin meal6 an it /eren7t long a.ter/ar+ that the0 begun arrivin in the mess hall2
But the ste/ still /a+nt rea+02 I taste+ it again an some things /as still ra/2 Cut in the
mess hall the0 begun a kin+ o. +isgruntle+ mumblin that soon turne+ to chantin an so I
turne+ the boiler u1 again2
D.ter a ha. hour or so6 the0 /as beatin on the tables /ith the0 knives an .orks like in a
1rison riot6 an I kno/e+ I ha+ to +o somethin .ast6 so I turne+ the boiler u1 high as it
coul+ go2
I7m settin there /atchin it6 so nervous I +i+n7t kno/ /hat to +o6 /hen all o. a su++en the
.irst sergeant come bustin thru the +oor2
=@hat in hell is goin on here>= he a5e+2 =@here is these men7s .oo+>=
=It is almost rea+06 Sergeant6= I sa06 an ;us about then6 the boiler commence+ to rumble
an shake2 Steam begun to come out o. the si+es an one o. the legs on the boiler tore
loose .rom the .loor2
=@hat is that>= the sergeant a5e+2 =Is 0ou cookin somethin in that boilerE =
=3hat is the su11er6= I sa0s6 an the sergeant got this real amaFe+ look on his .ace6 an a
secont later6 he got a real .rightene+ look6 like 0ou might get ;us be.ore an automobile
/reck6 an then the boiler ble/ u12
I am not e5actl0 sure /hat ha11ene+ ne52 I +o remember that it blo/e+ the roo. o.. the
mess hall an blo/e+ all the /in+ers out an the +oors too2
It blo/e+ the +ish/asher gu0 right thru a /all6 an the gu0 /hat /as stackin 1lates ;us
took o.. u1 in the air6 sort o. like -ocket *an2
Sergeant an me6 /e is miraculousl0 s1are+ someho/6 like the0 sa0 /ill ha11en /hen
0ou are so close to a han grena+e that 0ou aren7t hurt b0 it2 But someho/ it blo/e+ both
our clothes o..6 ce1t .or the big che.7s hat I /as /earin at the time2 Dn it blo/e+ ste/ all
over us6 so7s /e looke+ like/ell6 I +on7t kno/ /hat /e looke+ likebut man6 it /as
strange2
Incre+ibl06 it +i+n7t +o nothin to all them gu0s settin out there in the mess hall neither2
)us le. em settin at the0 tables6 covere+ /ith ste/6 actin kin+a shellshocke+ or
somethinbut it sure +i+ shut their asses u1 about /hen the0 .oo+ is gonna be rea+02
Su++enl0 the com1an0 comman+er come runnin into the buil+in2
=@hat /as thatE= he shoute+2 =@hat ha11en>= <e look at the t/o o. us6 an then holler6
=Sergeant BranF6 is that 0ou>=
=,um1BoilerSte/E= the sergeant sa06 an then he kin+ o. git holt o. hisse. an gra11e+ a
meat cleaver o.. the /all2
=,um1BoilerSte/E= he scream6 an come a.ter me /ith the cleaver2 I +one run out the
+oor6 an he be chasin me all over the 1ara+e groun+s6 an even thru the C..icer7s :lub an
the *otor1ool2 I outrunne+ him tho6 cause that is m0 s1ecialt06 but let me sa0 this: the0
ain7t no 9uestion in m0 min+ that I am u1 the creek .or sure2
Cne night6 the ne5t .all6 the 1hone rung in the barracks an it /as Bubba2 <e sa0 the0
+one +ro11e+ his atheletic scholarshi1 cause his .oot broke /orst than the0 thought6 an
so he7s leavin school too2 But he a5e+ i. I can git o.. to come u1 to Birmingham to /atch
the ?niversit0 1la0 them geeks .rom *ississi11i2 But I am con.ine+ to 9uarters that
Satur+a06 as I have been ever /eeken+ since the ste/ blo/e+ u1 an+ that7s nearl0 a 0ear2
Dn0/a06 I cannot +o it6 so I listen to the game on the ra+io /hile I7m scrubbin out the
latrine2
3he score is ver0 close at the en+ o. the thir+ 9uarter6 an Snake is having hisse. a big
+a02 It is &' to &# our /a06 but the geeks .rom *ississi11i score a touch+o/n /ith onl0
one minute to go2 Su++enl06 its .orth +o/n an no more timeouts .or us2 I 1ra0in silentl0
that Snake +on7t +o /hat he +one at the Crange Bo/l6 /hich is to tho/ the ball out o.
boun+s on .ourth +o/n an lose the game again6 but that is e5actl0 /hat he +one2
*0 heart sunk lo/6 but su++enl0 the0 is all sorts o. cheering so7s 0ou can7t hear the ra+io
announcer an /hen it is all 9uiete+ +o/n6 /hat ha11ene+ /as this: the Snake +one .ake+
an out o. boun+s 1ass on .ourth +o/n to sto1 the clock6 but he actuall0 give the ball to
:urtis /ho run it in .or the /inning touch+o/n2 3hat /ill give 0ou some i+ea o. ;us ho/
cra.t0 :oach Br0ant is2 <e +one alrea+0 .iggere+ them geeks .rom *ississi11i is so
+umb the0 /ill assume /e is stu1i+ enough to make the same mistake t/ice2
I7m real ha110 bout the game6 but I7m /on+erin i. )enn0 :urran is /atchin6 an i. she is
thinkin o. me2
Ds it turne+ out6 it +on7t matter an0ho/6 cause a month later /e is shi11e+ out2 (or
nearl0 a 0ear /e has been traine+ like robots an are going to some/here 1!6!!! miles
a/a06 an that is no e5aggeration2 @e is going to Hietnam6 but the0 sa0s it is not nearl0 as
ba+ as /hat /e has gone thru this 1ast 0ear2 Ds it turn out6 tho6 that is an e5aggeration2
@e got there in (ebruar0 an /as trucke+ on cattle cars .rom 8ui Nhon on the South
:hina Sea coast u1 to Pleiku in the highlan+s2 It /a+nt a ba+ ri+e an the scener0 /as
nice an interestin6 /ith banana trees an 1alms an rice 1a++ies /ith little gooks 1lo/in in
them2 Everbo+0 on our si+e is real .rien+l06 too6 /avin at us an all2
@e coul+ see Pleiku almost ha. a +a0 a/a0 on account o. a humongus clou+ o. re+ +ust
that hovere+ over it2 Cn its outskirts /as sa+ little shanties that is /orst than an0thin I
seen back in Dlabama6 /ith .olks hu++le+ neath cloth leanto7s an the0 ain7t got no teeth
an the0 chil+ren ain7t got no clothes an basicall06 the0 is beggars2 @hen /e get to the
Briga+e <ea+9uarters an (irebase6 it +on7t look real ba+ either6 ce1t .or all that re+ +ust2
Din7t nothin much going on that /e can see6 an the 1lace is all neat an clean /ith tents
stretche+ .ar as 0ou can see in ro/s an the +irt an san+ aroun them rake+ u1 nice an ti+02
4on7t har+l0 look like a /ar going on at all2 @e might as /ell o. been back at (ort
Benning2
Dn0ho/6 the0 sa0s it is real 9uiet cause it is the beginning o. the gook ne/ 0ears3et6 or
somesuchan the0 is a truce goin on2 Dll o. us is tremen+ousl0 relieve+6 because /e is
.rightene+ enough as it is2 3he 1eace an+ 9uiet6 ho/ever6 +i+ not last ver0 long2
D.ter /e get s9uare+ a/a0 in our area6 the0 tell us to go +o/n to Briga+e Sho/ers an
clean oursel.s2 Briga+e Sho/ers is ;ust a shallo/ 1it in the groun /here the0 has 1ut
three or .our big /ater tank trucks an /e tole to .ol+ our uni.orms u1 on the e+ge o. the
1it an then get +o/n in there an the0 /ill s9uirt us /ith /ater2
Even so6 it ain7t ha. ba+6 account o. /e been .or nearl0 a /eek /ithout a bath6 an /as
beginnin to smell 1rett0 ri1e2 @e is assin aroun in the 1it6 gettin hose+ +o/n an all6 an it
is ;us bout gettin +ark6 an all o. a su++en there is this .unn0 soun in the air an some
;acko.. /ho is s9uirting us /ith the hose holler6 =Incomin 6= an+ everbo+0 on the e+ge o.
the 1it vanish into thin air2 @e stan+in there butt necki+6 lookin at each other6 an then
the0 is a big e51losion close b0 an then another one6 an everbo+0 start shoutin an+
cussin an tr0in to get to the0 clothes2 3hem incomin e51losions .allin all aroun us6 an
somebo+0 shoutin6 =<it the +irtE= /hich /as kin+ o. re+iculous since /e /as all 1ress so
.lat in the bottom o. the 1it b0 no/ /e resemble /orms rather than 1eo1le2
Cne o. them e51losions sen+ a bunch o. shit .l0in into our 1it an them bo0s on the .ar
si+e get hit /ith it an start screamin an 0ellin an blee+in an gra11in at the0sel.s2 It /ere
all too a11arent that the 1it /as not a sa.e 1lace to be hi+in2 Sergeant BranF su++enl0
a11ear over the e+ge o. the 1it6 an he holler .or all us to get the hell out o. there an
.ollo/ him2 3here is a little break bet/een e51losions an /e haul ass out o. the 1it2 I
come over the to1 an look +o/n an go+amight0E L0in there is .our or .ive o. the .ellers
/ho /as s9uirtin the hose on us2 3he0 is har+l0 recogniFable as 1eo1leall mangle+ u1
like the0 has been stu..e+ thru a cotton baler or somethin2 I ain7t never seen nobo+0
+ea+6 an it is the most horrible an+ scar0 thing ever ha11en to me6 a.ore or sinceE
Sergeant BranF motion .or us to cra/l a.ter him6 /hich /e +o2 I. 0ou coul+ o. looke+
+o/n on it .rom above6 /e must o. ma+e a sightE D hun+rit .i.t0 or so .ellers all butt
necki+ s9uirmin along the groun in a long line2
3he0 /as a bunch o. .o5holes +ug in a ro/ an Sergeant BranF 1ut three or .our o. us in
each hole2 But soon as /e get in em6 I realiFe I7+ o. almost rather sta0e+ back in the 1it2
3hem .o5holes /as .ille+ /aist stinkin +ee1 /ith slim0 ole /ater .rom the rain6 an the0
/as all sorts o. .ra/gs an snakes an+ bugs cra/lin an lea1in an s9uirmin aroun in them2
It /ent on the entire night6 an /e ha+ to sta0 in them .o5holes an +i+n7t get no su11er2
)us a.ore +a/n6 the shellin ease+ u16 an /e /as tole to haul our asses outta the .o5holes
an get our clothes an /ea1ons an 1re1are .or the attack2
Since /e /as relativel0 ne/6 the0 /as reall0 not much /e coul+ +othe0 +i+n7t even
kno/ /here to 1ut us6 so the0 tole us to go guar+ the south 1erimeter6 /hich is /here
the o..icers7 latrine /as locate+2 But it /ere nearl0 /orse than the .o5holes6 account o.
one o. the bombs has hit the latrine an blo/e+ u1 about .ive hun+rit 1oun+s o. o..icer
shit all over the area2
@e ha+ to sta0 there all that +a06 no break.ast6 no lunchG an then at sun+o/n the0
commence+ shellin us again so /e ha+ to lie there in all that shit2 *06 m06 it /ere
re1ulsive2
(inall0 somebo+0 remember /e might be gettin hungr06 an ha+ a bunch o. cration cases
brought over2 I got the col+ ham an eggs that /as +ate+ 19$1 on the can2 3he0 /as all
kin+s o. rumors goin on2 Somebo+0 sai+ the gooks /as runnin over the to/n o. Pleiku2
Somebo+0 else sa0s the gooks got a atomic bomb an is ;ust shellin us /ith mortars to
so.ten us u12 Somebo+0 else sa0s it ain7t the gooks shellin us at all6 but Dustrailians6 or
ma0be the 4utch or the Nor/egians2 I .igger it +on7t matter /ho it is2 Shit on rumors2
Dn0ho/6 a.ter the .irst +a06 /e begun tr0in to make oursel.s a livable 1lace on the south
1erimeter2 @e +ug us .o5holes an use+ the boar+s an tin .rom the o..icers7 latrine to
make us little hooches2 3he attack never come tho6 an /e never sa/ no gooks to shoot
at2 I .igger ma0be the0 smart enough not to attack a shithouse an0/a02 Ever night .or
about three or .our +a0s the0 shellin us tho6 an .inall0 one mornin /hen the shellin sto1s6
*a;or Balls6 the battalion e5ecutive o..icer6 come cra/lin u1 to our com1an0
comman+er an sa0 /e has got to go u1 north to hel1 out another briga+e that is catchin
hell in the ;ungle2
D.ter a /ile6 Lieutenant <oo1er sa0 .or us to =sa++le u16= an everbo+0 stu..in as man0
crations an han grena+es in his 1ockets as he can/hich actuall0 1resent sort o. a
+ilemma6 since 0ou can7t eat a han grena+e but 0ou might nevertheless come to nee+ it2
Dn0/a06 the0 loa+ us on the helioco1ters an o.. /e .le/2
Aou coul+ see the shit 3hir+ Briga+e ha+ ste11e+ into even .ore the helioco1ters lan+e+2
3he0 /as all sorts o. smoke an stu.. risin u1 outta the ;ungle an huge chunks ha+ been
blo/n outta the groun2 @e ha+ not even got to earth a.ore the0 commence+ shootin at
us2 3he0 blo/e+ u1 one o. our helioco1ters in the air6 an it /as a +rea+.ul sight6 1eo1le
set on .ire an all6 an nothin /e coul+ +o2
I am the machine gun ammo bearer6 cause the0 .igger I can carr0 a lot o. shit on account
o. m0 siFe2 Be.ore /e le.6 a cou1le o. other .ellers a5e+ i. I /oul+ min+ carr0in some o.
their han grena+es so7s the0 coul+ carr0 more orations6 an I agree+2 It +i+n7t hurt me
none2 Dlso6 Sergeant BranF ma+e me carr0 a tengallon /ater can that /eighe+ about
.i.t0 1oun+s2 3hen ;us .ore /e le.6 4aniels6 /ho carries the tri1o+ .or the machine gun6
he gets the runs an he can7t go6 so7s I got to tote the tri1o+ too2 @hen it all a++e+ u16 I
might as /ell o. been toting aroun one a them Nebraska corn shucker ;acko..s as /ell2
But this ain7t no .ootball game2
It is gettin to be +usk an /e is tole to go u1 to a ri+ge an relieve :harlie :om1an0 /hich
is either 1inne+ +o/n b0 the gooks or has got the gooks 1inne+ +o/n6 +e1en+in on
/hether 0ou get 0our ne/s .rom the Stars an Stri1es or b0 ;ust lookin aroun at /hat the
hell is goin on2
In an0 event6 /hen /e get u1 there6 all sorts o. cra1 is .l0in aroun an the0 is about a
+oFen .ellers ba+l0 hurt an moanin an+ cr0in an the0 is so much noise .rom all 9uarters
that nobo+0 can har+l0 hear nothin2 I be crouchin +o/n real lo/ an tr0in to get all that
ammo an the /ater can an the tri1o+ 1lus all m0 o/n shit u1 to /here :harlie :om1an0
is6 an I7m strugglin 1ast a slit trench /hen this gu0 +o/n in it 1i1e u1 an sa0 to the other6
=Lookit that big BoFohe look like the (rankenstein *onster or somethin6= an+ I7m bout
to sa0 somethin back6 cause things seem ba+ enough alrea+0 /ithout nobo+0 1okin .un
at 0oubut then6 I7ll be +amne+E 3he other gu0 in the slit trench su++enl0 ;um1 u1 an cr0
out6 =(orrest(orrest ,um1E=
Lo an behole6 it /ere Bubba2
Brie.l06 /hat ha+ ha11en /as that even i. Bubba7s .oot /as hurt too ba+ to 1la0 .ootball6
it /ere not ba+ enough to kee1 .rom gettin him sent hal./a0 roun the earth on behal. o.
the ?nite+ States Drm02 Dn0ho/6 I +rag m0 sorr0 butt an everthin else u1 to /here I
s1ose+ to be6 an a.ter a /ile Bubba come u1 there an in bet/een the shellin (/hich sto1
ever time our air1lanes a11ear) Bubba an me caught u1 /ith each other2
<e tells me he hear )enn0 :urran +one 9uit school an gone o.. /ith a bunch o. /ar
1rotesters or somethin2 <e also sa0 that :urtis +one beat u1 a cam1us 1oliceman one +a0
.or givin him a 1arkin ticket6 an /as in the 1rocess o. +ro1kickin his o..icial ass aroun
the cam1us /hen the authorities sho/ u1 an tho/e+ a big net over :urtis an +rug him
o..2 Bubba sa0 :oach Br0ant make :urtis run .i.t0 e5tra la1s a.ter 1ractice as
1unishment2
,oo+ ole :urtis2
"
3hat night /as long an uncom.ortable2 @e coul+n7t .l0 our air1lanes6 so7s the0 got to
shell us most o. the evenin .or .ree2 3he0 /as a little sa++le bet/een t/o ri+ges6 an the0
/as on one ri+ge an /e on the other6 an +o/n in the sa++le /as /here the +is1ute /ere
takin 1lacetho /hat an0bo+0 /oul+ /ant /ith that 1iece o. mu+ an +irt6 I +o not kno/2
<o/ever6 Sergeant BranF have sai+ to us time an again that /e /as not brought over
here to un+erstan+ /hat is goin on6 onl0 to +o /hat /e is tole2
Prett0 soon6 Sergeant BranF come u1 an start tellin us /hat to +o2 <e sa0s /e has got to
move the machine gun about .i.t0 meters aroun to the le. o. a big ole tree stickin u1 in
the mi++le o. the sa++le6 an .ine a goo+ sa.e 1lace to 1ut it so7s /e is not all blo/e+
a/a02 (rom /hat I can see an hear6 an01lace6 inclu+in /here /e 1resentl0 are6 is not
sa.e6 but to go +o/n in that sa++le is go++amn absur+2 <o/ever6 I am tr0in to +o the
right thing2
*e an Bones6 the machine gunner6 an 4o0le6 another ammo bearer6 an t/o other gu0s
cra/l out o. our holes an start to moving +o/n the little slo1e2 <al./a0 +o/n6 the gooks
see us an commence to shootin /ith the0 o/n machine gun2 (ore an0thing ba+ ha11ens6
tho6 /e has scramble+ +o/n the slo1e an into the ;ungle2 I cannot remember ho/ .ar a
meter is e5actl06 but it almost the same as a 0ar+6 so /hen /e get near the big tree6 I sa0
to 4o0le6 =*a0be /e better move le.6= an he look at me real har+like6 an gro/l6 =Shut
0ou ass6 (orrest6 the0 is gooks here2= Sure nu.6 the0 /as si5 or eight gooks s9uattin
un+er the big ole tree6 havin the0 lunch2 4o0le take a han grena+e an 1ull the 1in an sort
o. lob it into the air to/ar+ the tree2 It blo/e+ u1 .ore it hit the groun an the0 is all sorts
o. /il+ chatterin .rom /here the gooks isthen Bones o1en u1 /ith the machine gun an
me an the t/o other gu0s heave in a cou1le more han grena+es .or goo+ measure2 Dll o.
that gone +o/n in ;ust a minute or so6 an /hen it come 9uiet again6 /e be on our /a02
@e .oun a 1lace to 1ut the gun an sta0e+ there till it got +arkan all night long6 too6 but
nothin ha11en2 @e coul+ hear all sorts o. shit goin on ever1lace else6 but /e be le. to
oursel.s2 Sunu1 come6 an /e hungr0 an tire+6 but there /e is2 3hen a runner come .rom
Sergeant BranF /ho sa0 :harlie :om1an0 is goin to start movin into the sa++le soon as
our air1lanes have totall0 /i1e+ out the gooks there6 /hich is to be in a .e/ minutes2
Sure enough6 the 1lanes come an +ro1 the0 shit an everthin get e51lo+e+ an /i1e out all
the gooks2
@e can see :harlie :om1an0 movin o.. the ri+ge line6 comin +o/n into the sa++le6 but
no sooner +oes the0 get over the e+ge o. the ri+ge an start strugglin along the slo1e6 than
all the /ea1ons in the /orl+ commence to shootin at :harlie :om1an0 an +ro11in
mortars an all6 an it is terrible con.usion2 (rom /here /e is6 /e cannot see an0 gooks6
on account o. the ;ungle is thick as bon.ire brush6 but somebo+0 sure be in there shootin
at :harlie :om1an02 *a0be it the 4utchor even the Nor/egians/ho kno/s>
Bones6 the machine gunner6 lookin e5tremel0 nervous +urin all this6 on accounta he7s
alrea+0 .iggere+ out that the shootin is comin .rom in .ront o. us6 meanin that the gooks
is in bet/een us an our o/n 1osition2 In other /or+s6 /e is out here alone2 Sooner or
later6 he sa0s6 i. the gooks +o not overrun :harlie :om1an06 the0 /ill come back this
/a06 an i. the0 .in+ us here6 the0 /ill not like it one bit2 Point is6 /e got to move our
asses2
@e get our shit together an begin to /ork back to/ar+s the ri+ge6 but as /e +o6 4o0le
su++enl0 look +o/n o.. our right to the bottom o. the sa++le an he see an entire busloa+
o. ne/ gooks6 arme+ to the teeth6 movin u1 the hill to/ar+s :harlie :om1an02 Best
thing /e coul+a +one then /as to tr0 an make .rien+s /ith em an .orget all this other
shit6 but that /ere not in the car+s2 So /e ;us hunkere+ +o/n in some big ole shrubs an
/aite+ till the0 got to the to1 o. the hill2 3hen Bones let loose /ith the machine gun an+
he must o. kilt ten or .i.teen o. them gooks right o..2 4o0le an me an the other t/o gu0s
is tho/in grena+es6 an things is goin our /a0 until Bones runs out o. ammo an nee+ a
.resh belt2 I .ee+ one in .or him6 but ;ust as he bout to s9eeFe the trigger6 a gook bullet hit
him s9uare in the hea+ an blo/e+ it insi+e out2 <e l0in on the groun+6 han still hol+in to
the gun .or +ear li.e6 /hich he +oes not have an0 more o. no/2
Ch ,o+6 it /ere a/.ulan gettin /orst2 No tellin /hat them gooks /oul+ o. +one i. the0
caught us2 I call out to 4o0le to come here6 but the0 is no ans/er2 I ;erk the machine gun
.rom 1o ole Bones7 .ingers an s9uirm over to 4o0le6 but he an the t/o other gu0s la0in
there shot2 3he0 +ea+6 but 4o0le still breathin6 so7s I gra1 him u1 an tho/ him over m0
shoul+er like a .lour sack an start runnin thru the brush to/ar+s :harlie :om1an06 cause
I scare+ outta m0 /its2 I runnin .or ma0be t/ent0 0ar+s an bullets /iFFin all aroun me
.rom behin6 an I .igger I be shot in the ass .or sure2 But then I crash thru a canebreak an
come u1on a area /ith lo/ grass an to m0 sur1rise it is .ille+ /ith gooks6 l0in +o/n6
lookin the other /a06 an shootin at :harlie :om1an0I guess2
No/ /hat +o I +o> I got gooks behin me6 gooks in .ront o. me an gooks right un+er m0
.eet2 I +on7t kno/ /hat else to +o6 so I charge u1 .ull s1ee+ an start to bello/in an
ho/lin an all2 I sort o. lose m0 hea+6 I guess6 cause I +on7t remember /hat ha11en ne5
ce1t I still be bello/in an hollerin lou+ as I can an runnin .or +ear li.e2 Everthin /ere
com1letel0 con.use+6 an then all o. a su++en I am in the mi++le o. :harlie :om1an0 an
everbo+0 be sla11in me on the back ;us like I ma+e a touch+o/n2
It seem like I +one .rightene+ o.. the gooks an the0 hightail it back to /herever the0
live2 I 1ut +o/n 4o0le on the groun an the me+ics come an start .i5in him u16 an 1rett0
soon the :harlie :om1an0 comman+er come u1 to me an start 1um1in m0 han an tellin
me /hat a goo+ .ello/ I am2 3hen he sa06 =<o/ in hell +i+ 0ou +o that6 ,um1>= <e be
/aitin .or a ans/er6 but I +on7t kno/ ho/ I +one it m0se.6 so I sa0s6 =I got to 1ee=/hich
I +i+2 3he com1an0 comman+er look at me real strange6 an then look at Sergeant BranF6
/ho ha+ also come u16 an Sergeant BranF sa06 =Ch6 .or :hrissakes ,um16 come /ith
me6= an he take me behin a tree2
3hat night Bubba an me meet u1 an share a .o5hole an eat our :rations .or su11er2
D.ter/ar+6 I get out m0 harmonica Bubba ha+ gave me an /e 1la0 a .e/ tunes2 It soun+
real eerie6 there in the ;ungle6 1la0in =Ch SuFanna= an =<ome on the -ange2= Bubba got
a little bo5 o. can+0 his mama have sent him1ralines an +ivinit0an /e both ate some2
Dn let me tell 0ou thisthat +ivinit0 sure brung back some memories2
Later on6 Sergeant BranF come over an a5e me /here is the tengallon can o. +rinkin
/ater2 I tole him I +one le. it out in the ;ungle /hen I /as tr0in to carr0 in 4o0le an the
machine gun2 (or a minute I think he gonna make me go back out there an get it6 but he
+on7t2 <e ;us no+6 an sa0 that since 4o0le is hurt an Bones is kilt6 no/ I got to be the
machine gunner2 I a5e him /ho gonna carr0 the tri1o+ an the ammo an all6 an he sa0 I
got to +o that too6 cause nobo+0 else le. to +o it2 3hen Bubba sa0 he7ll +o it6 i. he can get
trans.erre+ to our com1an02 Sergeant BranF think bout that .or a minute6 an then he sa0
it can 1robl0 be arrange+6 since there is not enough le. o. :harlie :om1an0 to clean a
latrine an0/a02 Dn so it /as6 Bubba an me is together again2
3he /eeks go b0 so slo/ I almost think time 1assin back/ar+s2 ?1 one hill6 +o/n the
other2 Sometimes the0 be gooks on the hills6 sometimes not2 Sergeant BranF sa0
everthing oka0 tho6 cause actuall0 /e be marchin back to the ?nite+ States2 <e sa0 /e
gonna march outta Hietnam6 thru Laos an then u1 across :hina an -ussia6 u1 to the
North Pole an across the ice to Dlaska /here our mamas can come 1ick us u12 Bubba
sa0s +on7t 1a0 no attention to him cause he7s a i+iot2
3hings is ver0 1rimative in the ;ungleno 1lace to shit6 slee1 on the groun like a animal6
eat outta cans6 no 1lace to take a bath or nothin6 clothes is all rottin o.. too2 I get a letter
once a /eek .rom m0 mama2 She sa0 everthing .ine at home6 but that the highschool
ain7t /on no more cham1ionshi1s since I +one le.2 I /rite her back too6 /hen I can6 but
/hat I7m gonna tell her that /on7t start her to ba/lin again> So I ;us sa0 /e is havin a
nice time an everbo+0 treatin us .ine2 Cne thing I +one tho6 /as I /rote a letter to )enn0
:urran in care o. m0 mama an a5e i. she can get )enn07s .olks to sen+ it to her/herever
she is2 But I ain7t hear+ nothin back2
*eantime6 Bubba an me6 /e has got us a 1lan .or /hen /e get outta the Drm02 @e
gonna go back home an get us a srim1 boat an get in the srim1in bi+ness2 Bubba come
.rom Ba0ou La Batre6 an /ork on srim1 boats all his li.e2 <e sa0 ma0be /e can get us a
loan an /e can take turns bein ca1tain an all6 an /e can live on the boat an /ill have
somethin to +o2 Bubba7s got it all .iggere+ out2 So man0 1oun+s o. srim1 to 1a0 o.. the
loan on the boat6 so much to 1a0 .or gas6 so much .or /hat /e eat an such6 an all the rest
is le.t .or us to ass aroun /ith2 I be 1icherin it in m0 hea+6 stan+in at the /heel o. the
srim1 boator even better6 settin there on the back o. the boat eatin srim1E But /hen I
tell Bubba bout that6 he sa06 =,o++amn6 (orrest6 0our big ass7ll eat us outta house an
home2 @e +on7t be eatin none o. the srim1 a.ore /e start makin a 1ro.it2= Cka06 that
make senseit all right /ith me2
It commence+ rainin one +a0 an +i+ not sto1 .or t/o months2 @e /ent thru ever
+i..erent kin+ o. rain the0 is6 ce17n ma0be sleet or hail2 It /as little tin0 stingin rain
sometimes6 an big ole .at rain at others2 It came si+e/ise an straight +o/n an sometimes
even seem to come u1 .rom the groun2 Nevertheless6 /e /as e51ecte+ to +o our shit6
/hich /as mainl0 /alkin u1 an +o/n the hills an stu.. lookin .or gooks2
Cne +a0 /e .oun them2 3he0 must o. been hol+in a gook convention or somethin6 cause
it seem like the same sort o. +eal as /hen 0ou ste1 on a anthill an+ the0 all come
s/armin aroun2 @e cannot .l0 our 1lanes in this kin+ o. stu.. either6 so in about t/o
minutes or so6 /e is back in trouble again2
3his time the0 has caught us /ith our 1ants +o/n2 @e is crossin this rice 1a++0 an all o.
a su++en .rom ever/here the0 start tho/in shit at us2 Peo1le is shoutin an+ screamin an
gettin shot an somebo+0 sa0s6 =(all backE= @ell6 I 1ick u1 m0 machine gun an start
running alongsi+e everbo+0 else .or some 1alm trees /hich at least look like the0 might
kee1 the rain o..en us2 @e has .orme+ a 1erimeter o. sorts an is gettin rea+0 to start
1re1arin .or another long night /hen I lookaroun .or Bubba an he ain7t there2
Somebo+0 sa0 Bubba /as out in the rice 1a++0 an he is hurt6 an I sa06 =,o++amn6= an
Sergeant BranF6 he hear me6 an sa06 =,um16 0ou can7t go out there2= But shit on thatI
leave the machine gun behin+ cause it ;us be e5tra /eight6 an start 1um1in har+ .or
/here I last seen Bubba2 But hal./a0 out I nearl0 ste1 on a .eller .rom %n+ 1latoon /ho
is might0 hurt6 an he look u1 at me /ith his han out6 an so I think6 shit6 /hat can I +o> so
I gra1 him u1 an run back /ith him .ast as I can2 Bullets an stu.. be .l0in all over2 It is
somethin I sim1l0 cannot un+erstan+/h0 in hell is /e +oin all this6 an0/a0> Pla0in
.ootball is one thing2 But this6 I +o not kno/ /h02 ,o++amn2
I brung that bo0 back an run out again an +amn i. I +on7t come across somebo+0 else2 So
I reach +o/n to 1ick him u1 an bring him back6 too6 but /hen I +o6 his brains .all out on
the 1a++0 groun6 cause the back o. his hea+ blo/e+ o..2 Shit2
So I +ro1 his ass an ke1 on goin an sure enough6 there is Bubba6 /ho is been hit t/ice in
the chest6 an I sa06 =Bubba6 it gonna be oka06 0ou hear6 cause /e gotta get that srim1
boat an all6= an I carr0 him back to /here /e is set u1 an la0e+ him on the groun2 @hen
I catch m0 breath6 I look +o/n an m0 shirt all covere+ /ith bloo+ an bluish 0eller goo
.rom /here Bubba is hurt6 an Bubba is lookin u1 at me6 an he sa06 =(uck it6 (orrest6 /h0
this ha11en>= @ell6 /hat in hell am I gonna sa0>
3hen Bubba a5e me6 =(orrest6 0ou 1la0 me a song on the harmonica>= So I get it out6 an
start 1la0in somethinI +on7t even kno/ /hat6 an then Bubba sa06 =(orrest6 /oul+ 0ou
1lease 1la0 7@a0 4o/n ?1on the S/anee -iver7>= an I sa06 =Sure6 Bubba2= I have to
/i1e o.. the mouth1iece6 an then I start to 1la0 an there is still a terrible lot o. shootin
goin on6 an I kno/ I ought to be /ith m0 machine gun6 but /hat the hell6 I 1la0e+ that
song2
I ha+n7t notice+ it6 but it ha+ 9uit rainin an the sk0 +one turne+ a a/.ul 1inkish color2 It
ma+e everbo+07s .ace look like +eath itse.6 an .or some reason6 the gooks +one 9uit
shootin .or a /ile6 an so ha+ /e2 I 1la0e+ =@a0 4o/n ?1on the S/anee -iver= over an
over again6 kneelin ne5 to Bubba /ile the me+ic give him a shot an ten+ to him best he
coul+2 Bubba +one gra11e+ a holt to m0 leg an his e0es got all clou+0 an that terrible
1ink sk0 seem to +rain all the color in his .ace2
<e /as tr0in to sa0 somethin6 an so I bent over real close to hear /hat it /as2 But I
never cou+ make it out2 So I a5e+ the me+ic6 =Aou hear /hat he sa0>= Dn the me+ic sa06
=<ome2 <e sai+6 home 2= Bubba6 he +ie+6 an that7s all I got to sa0 bout that2
3he rest o. the night /as the /orst I have ever kno/n2 3he0 /as no /a0 the0 coul+ get
an0 he1 to us6 since it begun stormin again2 3hem gooks /as so close /e coul+ hear
them talkin /ith each other6 an at one 1oint it /as han to han .ightin in the 1st 1latoon2
Dt +a/n6 the0 call in a na1alm air1lane6 but it +ro1 the shit +amn near right on to1 o.
us 2 Cur o/n .ellers be all singe+ an burnt u1come runnin out into the o1en6 e0es big as
biscuits6 everbo+0 cussin an s/eatin an scare+6 /oo+s set on .ire6 +amn near 1ut the rain
outE
Some/here in all this6 I got m0se. shot6 an6 as luck /oul+ have it6 I /as hit in the ass2 I
can7t even remember it2 @e /as all in a/.ul sha1e2 I +on7t kno/ /hat ha11ene+2
Everthing all .oule+ u12 I ;us le.t the machine gun2 I +i+n7t give a shit no more2 I /ent to
a 1lace back o. a tree an ;us curl u1 an start cr0in2 Bubba gone6 srim1 boat goneG an he
the onl0 .rien+ I ever ha+ce1t ma0be )enn0 :urran6 an I +one mess that u1 too2 @a+n7t
.or m0 mama6 I might as /ell o. ;us +ie+ right thereo. ole age or somethin6 /hateverit
+i+n7t matter2
D.ter a /ile6 the0 start lan+in some relie. in helioco1ters6 an+ I guess the na1alm bomb
have .rightene+ a/a0 the gooks2 3he0 must o. .iggere+ that i. /e /as /illing to +o that
to oursel.s6 then /hat the hell /oul+ /e o. +one to them>
3he0 takin the /oun+e+ outta there6 /hen along come Sergeant BranF6 hair all singe+
o..6 clothes burnt u16 looking like he ;us got shot out o. a cannon2 <e sa06 =,um16 0ou
+one real goo+ 0ester+a06 bo06= an then he a5e me i. I /ant a cigarette2
I sa0 I +on7t smoke6 an he no+2 =,um16= he sa0s6 =0ou are not the smartest .eller I have
ever ha+6 but 0ou is one hell o. a sol+ier2 I /ish I ha+ a hun+rit like 0ou2=
<e a5e me i. it hurt6 an I sa0 no6 but that ain7t the truth2 =,um16= he sa06 =0ou is goin
home6 I guess 0ou kno/ that2=
I a5e him /here is Bubba6 an Sergeant BranF look at me kin+ o. .unn02 =<e be along
+irectl06= he sa0s2 I a5e+ i. I can ri+e on the same helioco1ter /ith Bubba6 an Sergeant
BranF sa06 no6 Bubba got to go out last6 cause he got kilt2
3he0 ha+ stuck me /ith a big nee+le .ull o. some kin+ o. shit that ma+e me .eel better6
but I remember6 I reache+ u1 an gra11e+ Sergeant BranF b0 the arm6 an I sa06 =I ain7t
never a5e+ no .avors a.ore6 but /oul+ 0ou 1ut Bubba on the helioco1ter 0ourse.6 an
make sure he get there oka0>=
=Sure6 ,um16= he sa02 =@hat the hell/e /ill even get him accommo+ations in .irst
class2=
#
I /as at the hos1ital at 4anang .or most o. t/o months2 So .ar as a hos1ital /ent6 it /ere
not much6 but /e sle1 on cots /ith mos9uito nets6 an the0 /as /oo+en 1lank .loors that
/as s/e1 clean t/ice a +a06 /hich /as more than 0ou can sa0 .or the kin+ o. livin I7+
got use+ to2
3he0 /as some 1eo1le hurt .ar /orst than I /as in that hos1ital6 let me tell 0ou2 Po ole
bo0s /ith arms an legs an .eet an hans an /ho kno/s /hat else missin2 Bo0s /hat ha+
been shot in the0 stomachs an chests an .aces2 Dt night the 1lace soun+ like a torture
chamberthem .ellers be ho/lin an+ cr0in an callin .or the0 mamas2
3he0 /as a gu0 ne5 to m0 cot name o. 4an6 /ho ha+ been blo/e+ u1 insi+e a tank2 <e
/as all burnt an ha+ tubes goin in an out o. him ever1lace6 but I never hear+ him holler2
<e talk real lo/ an 9uiet6 an a.ter a +a0 or so6 him an me got to be .rien+s2 4an come
.rom the state o. :onnecticut6 an he /ere a teacher o. histor0 /hen the0 gra11e+ him u1
an tho/e+ him into the Drm02 But cause he /as smart6 the0 sent him to o..icer school an
ma+e him a lieutenant2 *ost o. the lieutenants I kno/e+ /as bout as sim1lemin+e+ as
me6 but 4an /ere +i..erent2 <e have his o/n 1hiloso1h0 bout /h0 /e /as there6 /hich
/as that /e /as +oin ma0be the /rong thing .or the right reasons6 or visaversa6 but
/hatever it is6 /e ain7t +oin it right2 <im bein a tank o..icer an all6 he sa0 it re+iculous
.or us to be /agin a /ar in a 1lace /here /e can7t har+l0 use our tanks on account o. the
lan+ is mostl0 s/am1 or mountains2 I tole him bout Bubba an all6 an he no+ his hea+
ver0 sa+l0 an sa0 the0 /ill be a lot more Bubbas to +ie a.ore this thing is over2
D.ter bout a /eek or so6 the0 move me to another 1art o. the hos1ital /here everbo+0 be
1ut so7s the0 can get /ell6 but ever +a0 I gone back to the tensive care /ar+ an set .or a
/ile /ith 4an2 Sometimes I 1la0e+ him a tune on m0 harmonica6 /hich he like ver0
much2 *0 mama ha+ sent me a 1ackage o. <ershe0 bars /hich .inall0 catch u1 to me at
the hos1ital an I /ante+ to share them /ith 4an6 ce1t he can7t eat nothin but /hat goin
into him thru the tubes2
I think that settin there talkin to 4an /as a thing that ha+ a great im1ression on m0 li.e2 I
kno/ that bein a i+iot an all6 I ain7t s1ose+ to have no 1hiloso1h0 o. m0 o/n6 but ma0be
it7s ;ust because nobo+0 never took the time to talk to me bout it2 It /ere 4an7s
1hiloso1h0 that ever0thin that ha11en to us6 or .or that matter6 to an0thin an0/here6 is
controlle+ b0 natural la/s that govern the universe2 <is vie/s on the sub;ect /as
e5tremel0 com1licate+6 but the gist o. /hat he sa0 begun to change m0 /hole outlook
on things2
Dll m0 o/n li.e6 I ain7t un+erstoo+ shit about /hat /as goin on2 D thing ;us ha11en6 then
somethin else ha11en6 then somethin else6 an so on6 an ha. the time nothin makin an0
sense2 But 4an sa0 it is all 1art o. a scheme o. some sort6 an the best /a0 /e can get
along is .igger out ho/ /e .its into the scheme6 an then tr0 to stick to our 1lace2
Someho/ kno/in this6 things get a goo+ bit clearer .or me2
Dn0ho/6 I7s gettin much better in the ne5t /eeks6 an m0 ass heal u1 real nice2 4octor
sa0 I got a hi+e like a =rhinoceros= or somethin2 3he0 got a rec room at the hos1ital an
since the0 /a+n7t much else to +o6 I /an+ere+ over there one +a0 an the0 /as a cou1le
o. gu0s 1la0in 1ing1ong2 D.ter a /ile6 I a5e+ i. I coul+ 1la06 an the0 let me2 I lost the
.irst cou1le o. 1oints6 but a.ter a /ile6 I beat both them .ellers2 =Aou shore is 9uick .or
such a big gu06= one o. them sa02 I ;us no+2 I trie+ to 1la0 some ever +a0 an got 9uite
goo+6 believe it or not2
In the a.ternoons I7+ go see 4an6 but in the mornins I /as on m0 o/n2 3he0 let me leave
the hos1ital i. I /ante+6 an the0 /as a bus /hat took .ellers like me into the to/n so7s
/e coul+ /alk aroun an bu0 some o. the shit the0 sol+ in the gook sho1s in 4anang2 But
I +on7t nee+ an0 o. that6 so I ;us /alk aroun6 taking in the sights2
3he0 is a little market +o/n b0 the /ater.ront /here .olks sells .ish an srim1 an stu..6 an
one +a0 I /ent +o/n there an bought me some srim1 an one o. the cooks at the hos1ital
boil em .or me an the0 sure /as goo+2 I /ishe+ ole 4an coul+ o. ate some2 <e sa0
ma0be i. I s9uash em u1 the0 coul+ 1ut em +o/n his tube2 <e sa0 he gonna a5e the
nurse about it6 but I kno/ he ;us ki++in2
3hat night I be l0in on m0 cot thinkin o. Bubba an ho/ much he might o. like+ them
srim1 too6 an about our srim1 boat an all2 Po ole Bubba2 So the ne5t +a0 I a5e+ 4an ho/
is it that Bubba can get kilt6 an /hat kin+ o. ha.asse+ nature la/ /oul+ allo/ that2 <e
think bout it .or a /ile6 an sa06 =@ell6 I7ll tell 0ou6 (orrest6 all o. these la/s are not
s1eciall0 1leasing to us2 But the0 is la/s nonetheless2 Like /hen a tiger 1ounce on a
monke0 in the ;ungleba+ .or the monke06 but goo+ .or the tiger2 3hat is ;us the /a0 it
is2=
:ou1le o. +a0s later I gone on back to the .ish market an the0 is a little gook sellin a big
bag o. srim1 there2 I a5e+ him /here he got them srim16 an he start ;abberin a/a0 at me6
count o. he +on7t un+erstan English2 Dn0/a06 I make sign language like a In+ian or
somethin6 an a.ter a /ile he catch on6 an motion .or me to .ollo/ him2 I be kin+ o. lear0
at .irst6 but he smilin an all6 an so7s I +o2
@e must o. /alke+ a mile or so6 1ast all the boats on the beach an everthin6 but he +on7t
take me to a boat2 It is a little 1lace in a s/am1 b0 the /ater6 kin+ o. a 1on+ or somethin6
an he got /ire nets lai+ +o/n /here the /ater .rom the :hina Sea come in at high ti+e2
3hat sumbitch be gro/in srim1 in thereE <e took a little net an scoo1 u1 some /ater an
sure enough6 ten or t/elve srim1 in it2 <e give me some in a little bag6 an I give him a
<ershe0 bar2 <e so ha110 he coul+ shit2
3hat night the0 is a movie out+oors near (iel+ (orce <ea+9uarters an I go on over there6
ce17n some .ellers in the .ront ro/ start a great big .ight over somethin an somebo+0 get
hisse. heave+ through the screen an that be the en+ o. the movie2 So a.ter/ar+s6 I be
la0in on m0 cot6 thinkin6 an su++enl0 it come to me2 I kno/ /hat I gotta +o /hen the0
let me out o. the Drm0E I goin home an .in+ me a little 1on+ near the ,ul. an raise me
some srim1E So ma0be I can7t get me a srim1 boat no/ that Bubba is gone6 but I sure
can go u1 in one o. them marshes an get me some /ire nets an that7s /hat I7ll +o2 Bubba
/oul+ o. like that2
Ever +a0 .or the ne5t .e/ /eeks I go +o/n in the mornin to the 1lace /here the little
gook is gro/in his srim12 *ister :hi is his name2 I ;us set there an /atche+ him an a.ter
a /ile he sho/e+ me ho/ he /as +oin it2 <e7+ catche+ some bab0 srim1s aroun the
marshes in a little han net6 an +um1 them in his 1on+2 3hen /hen the ti+e come in he
tho/e+ all sorts o. shit in therescra1s an+ stu..6 /hich cause little teense0 slim0 things
to gro/ an the srim1s eat them an get big an .at2 It /as so sim1le even a imbecile coul+
+o it2
D .e/ +a0s later some muckit0mucks .rom (iel+ (orce <ea+9uarters come over to the
hos1ital all e5cite+ an sa06 =Private ,um16 0ou is been a/ar+e+ the :ongressional
*e+al o. <onor .or e5treme heroism6 an is bein .lo/n back to the ?2S2D2 +a0 a.ter
tomorro/ to be +ecorate+ b0 the Presi+ent o. the ?nite+ States2= No/ that /as earl0 in
the mornin an I ha+ ;us been l0in there6 thinkin about going to the bathroom6 but here
the0 are6 e51ectin me to sa0 somethin6 I guess6 an I7m bout to bust m0 britches2 But this
time I ;us sa06 =3hanks6= an kee1 m0 big mouth shut2 Perha1s it be in the natural scheme
o. things2
Dn0ho/6 a.ter the0 is gone6 I go on over to the tensive care /ar+ to see 4an6 but /hen I
git there6 his cot is em1t06 an the mattress all .ol+e+ u1 an he is gone2 I am so scant
somethin has ha11en to him6 an I run to .ine the or+erl06 but he ain7t there either2 I seen a
nurse +o/n the hall an I a5e+ her6 =@hat ha11en to 4an6= an she sa0 he =gone2= Dn I
sa06 =,one /here>= an she sa06 =I +on7t kno/6 it +i+n7t ha11en on m0 shi.2= I .oun the
hea+ nurse an a5e her6 an she sa0 4an been .lo/n back to Dmerica on account o. the0
can take better care o. him there2 I a5e+ her i. he is oka06 an she sa06 =Aeah6 i. 0ou can
call t/o 1uncture+ lungs6 a severe+ intestin6 s1inal se1aration6 a missing .oot6 a
truncate+ leg6 an thir+ +egree burns over ha. the bo+0 oka0 6 then he is ;us .ine2= I
thanke+ her6 an /ent on m0 /a02
I +i+n7t 1la0 no 1ing1ong that a.ternoon6 cause I /as so /orrie+ bout 4an2 It come to
me that ma0be he /ent an +ie+6 an nobo+0 /ant to sa0 so6 cause o. that bi+ness bout
noti.0ing ne5 o. kin .irst6 or somethin2 @ho kno/s> But I am +o/n in the +um1s6 an go
/an+erin aroun b0 m0se.6 kickin rocks an tin cans an shit2
@hen I .inall0 get back to m0 /ar+6 there is some mail le. on m0 be+ .or me that .inall0
catch u1 /ith me here2 *0 mama have sent a letter sa0in that our house +one caught on
.ire6 an is totall0 burnt u16 an there is no insurance or nothin an she is gonna have to go
to the 1o house2 She sa0 the .ire begun /hen *iss (rench ha+ /ashe+ her cat an /as
+r0in it /ith a hair +r0er6 an either the cat or the hair +r0er caught a.ire6 an that /as that2
(rom no/ on6 she sa06 I am to sen+ m0 letters to her in care o. the =Little Sisters o. the
Po2= I .igger there /ill be man0 tears in the 0ears to come2
3he0 is another letter a++resse+ to me /hich sa06 =4ear *ister ,um1: Aou has been
chosen to /in a bran ne/ Pontiac ,3C6 i. onl0 0ou /ill sen+ back the enclose+ car+
1romising to bu0 a set o. these /on+er.ul enc0clo1e+ias an a u1+ate+ 0earbook ever0
0ear .or the rest o. 0our li.e at a I#$ 1er 0ear2= I tho/e+ that letter in the trash2 @hat the
hell /oul+ a i+iot like me /ant /ith enc0clo1e+ias an0/a06 an besi+es6 I can7t +rive2
But the thir+ letter is 1ersonall0 /rit to me an on the back o. the envelo1e it sa06 =)2
:urran6 ,eneral 4eliver06 :ambri+ge6 *ass2= *0 hans is shakin so ba+6 I can har+l0
o1en it2
=4ear (orrest6= it sa06 =*0 mama has .or/ar+e+ 0our letter to me that 0our mama gave
to her6 an+ I am so sorr0 to hear that 0ou have to .ight in that terrible immoral /ar2= She
sa0 she kno/ ho/ horrible it must be6 /ith all the killin an maimin goin on an all2 =It
must ta5 0our conscience to be involve+6 although I kno/ 0ou are being ma+e to +o it
against 0our /ill2= She /rite that it must o. been a/.ul not to have no clean clothes an
no .resh .oo+6 an all6 but that she +o not un+erstan+ /hat I mean /hen I /rote about
=havin to lie .ace+o/n in o..icer shit .or t/o +a0s2=
=It is har+ to believe6= she sa06 =that even the0 /oul+ make 0ou +o such a vulgar thing
as that2= I think I coul+ o. e51laine+ that 1art a little better2
Dn0ho/6 )enn0 sa0 that =@e are organiFing large +emonstrations against the .ascist 1igs
in or+er to sto1 the terrible immoral /ar an+ let the 1eo1le be hear+2= She go on bout
that .or a 1age or so6 an it all soun+in sort o. the same2 But I rea+ it ver0 care.ull0
an0/a06 .or ;us to see her han/ritin is enough to make m0 stomach turn .li1.lo1s2
=Dt least6= she sa0 at the en+6 =0ou have met u1 /ith Bubba6 an+ I kno/ 0ou are gla+ to
have a .rien+ in 0our miser02= She sa0 to give Bubba her best6 an a++ in a 12s2 that she is
earnin a little mone0 b0 1la0in in a little musical ban+ a cou1le o. nights a /eek at a
co..eehouse near the <arvar+ ?niversit06 an i. ever I get u1 that /a0 to look her u12 3he
grou16 she sa06 is calle+ 3he :racke+ Eggs2 (rom then on6 I be lookin .or some e5cuse to
get to <arvar+ ?niversit02
3hat night I am 1ackin u1 m0 shit to go back home to get m0 *e+al o. <onor an meet
the Presi+ent o. the ?nite+ States2 <o/ever6 I +o not have nothin to 1ack ce1t m0
1a;a0mas an the toothbrush an raFor the0 have gave me at the hos1ital6 cause everthin
else I o/n is back at the .irebase at Pleiku2 But there is this nice lieutenant colonel that
has been sent over .rom (iel+ (orce6 an he sa06 =(orgit all that shit6 ,um1/e is gonna
have a bran ne/ tailorma+e uni.orm se/n u1 .or 0ou this ver0 night b0 t/o +oFen
gooks in Saigon6 on account o. 0ou cannot meet the Presi+ent /earin 0our 1a;a0mas2=
3he colonel sa0 he is gonna accom1an0 me all the /a0 to @ashington6 an see to it that I
have got a 1lace to sta0 an .oo+ to eat an a ri+e to /herever /e is going an also /ill tell
me ho/ to behave an all2
:olonel ,ooch is his name2
3hat night I get into one last 1ing1ong match /ith a .eller .rom the hea+9uarters
com1an0 o. (iel+ (orce6 /ho is s1ose+ to be the best 1ing1ong 1la0er in the Drm0 or
somesuch as that2 <e is a little /ir0 .eller /ho re.use to look me in the e0e6 an also6 he
bring his o/n 1a++le in a leather case2 @hen I be /hi11in his ass he sto1 an sa0 the
1ing1ong balls ain7t no goo+ cause the humi+it0 +one ruint them2 3hen he 1ack u1 his
1a++le an go on home6 /hich be oka0 /ith me6 cause he le. the 1ing1ong balls he
brung6 an the0 coul+ reall0 use them at the hos1ital rec room2
3he morning I /as to leave6 a nurse come in an le. a envelo1e /ith m0 name /ritten on
it2 I o1en it u16 an it /as a note .rom 4an6 /ho is oka0 a.ter all6 an ha+ this to sa0:
4ear (orrest6
I am sorr0 there /as no time .or us to see each other be.ore I le.t2 3he +octors ma+e
their +ecision 9uickl06 an+ be.ore I kne/ it6 I /as being taken a/a06 but I aske+ i. I
coul+ sto1 long enough to /rite 0ou this note6 because 0ou have been so kin+ to me
/hile I /as here2
I sense6 (orrest6 that 0ou are on the verge o. something ver0 signi.icant in 0our li.e6
some change6 or event that /ill move 0ou in a +i..erent +irection6 an+ 0ou must seiFe the
moment6 an+ not let it 1ass2 @hen I think back on it no/6 there is something in 0our
e0es6 some tin0 .lash o. .ire that comes no/ an+ then6 mostl0 /hen 0ou smile6 an+6 on
those in.re9uent occasions6 I believe /hat I sa/ /as almost a ,enesis o. our abilit0 as
humans to think6 to create6 to be 2
3his /ar is not .or 0ou6 ol+ 1alnor mean+ I am /ell out o. it as I7m sure 0ou /ill be in
time2 3he crucial 9uestion is6 /hat /ill 0ou +o> I +on7t think 0ou7re an i+iot at all2
Perha1s b0 the measure o. tests or the ;u+gment o. .ools6 0ou might .all into some
categor0 or other6 but +ee1 +o/n6 (orrest6 I have seen that glo/ing s1arkle o. curiosit0
burning +ee1 in 0our min+2 3ake the ti+e6 m0 .rien+6 an+ as 0ou are carrie+ along6 make
it /ork .or 0ou6 .ight the shallo/s an+ the snags an+ never give in6 never give u12 Aou
are a goo+ .ello/6 (orrest6 an+ 0ou have a big heart2
Aour Pal6
4DN
I rea+ over 4an7s letter ten or t/ent0 times6 an there is things in it I +o not un+erstan+2 I
mean6 I think I see /hat he is gettin at6 but there is sentences an /or+s that I cannot
.igger out2 Ne5t morning :olonel ,ooch come in an sa0 /e got to go no/6 .irst to
Saigon to get me the ne/ uni.orm that +one been se/n u1 b0 the t/ent0 gooks last
night6 then right o.. to the ?nite+ States an all that2 I sho/n him 4an7s letter an a5e+ him
to tell me /hat e5actl0 it means6 an :olonel ,ooch look it over an han it back an sa06
=@ell6 ,um16 it is 1rett0 1lain to me he means that 0ou ha+ better the hell not .uck u1
/hen the Presi+ent 1ins the me+al on 0ou2=
'
@e be .l0in high over the 1aci.ic ocean6 an colonel ,ooch is tellin me /hat a great hero
I am going to be /hen /e get back to the ?nite+ States2 <e sa0 1eo1le /ill turn out .or
1ara+es an shit an I /ill not be able to bu0 m0se. a +rink or a meal on account o.
everbo+0 else /ill be /antin to +o it .or me2 <e also sa0 that the Drm0 is gonna /ant me
to go on a tour to +rum u1 ne/ enlistments an sell bon+s an cra1 like that6 an that I /ill
be given the =ro0al treatment2= In this6 he is correct2
@hen /e lan+ at the air1ort at San (rancisco6 a big cro/+ is /aiting .or us to get o.. the
1lane2 3he0 is carr0in signs an banners an+ all2 :olonel ,ooch look out the /in+er o.
the 1lane an sa0 he is su1rise+ not to see a brass ban+ there to greet us2 Ds it turn out6 the
1eo1le in the cro/+ is 9uite enough2
(irst thing that ha11en /hen /e come o.. the 1lane is the 1eo1le in the cro/+
commence to chantin at us6 an then somebo+0 tho/e+ a big tomato that hit :olonel
,ooch in the .ace2 D.ter that6 all hell break loose2 3he0 is some co1s there6 but the cro/+
buste+ thru an come runnin to/ar+s us shoutin an hollerin all kin+s o. nast0 things6 an
the0 is about t/o thousan o. them6 /earing bear+s an shit6 an it /as the mos .rightenin
thing I have seen since /e /as back at the rice 1a++0 /here Bubba /as kilt2
:olonel ,ooch is tr0in to clean the tomato o.. his .ace an act +igni.ie+6 but I .igger6 the
hell /ith that6 cause /e is outnumbere+ a thousan to one6 an ain7t got no /ea1ons to
boot2 So I took o.. runnin2
3hat cro/+ /as sure as hell lookin .or somethin to chase too6 cause ever one o. them
start chasin me ;us like the0 use+ to +o /hen I /as little6 hollerin an+ shoutin an+ /avin
the0 signs2 I run +amn near all over the air1ort run/a06 an back again an into the
terminal6 an it /as even scarier than /hen them Nebraska corn shucker ;acko..s /as
chasin me aroun the Crange Bo/l2 (inall06 I +one run into the toilet an hi+ u1 on the seat
/ith the +oor shut until I .igger the0 have give u1 an gone on home2 I must o. been there
an hour or so2
@hen I come out I /alke+ +o/n to the lobb0 an there is :olonel ,ooch surroun+e+ b0 a
1latoon o. *2P27s an co1s6 an he is lookin ver0 +istresse+ till he seen me2 =:7mon6
,um1E= he sa02 =3he0 is hol+in a 1lane .or us to get to @ashington2=
@hen /e get on the 1lane to @ashington the0 is a bunch o. civilians on it too6 an
:olonel ,ooch an me set in a seat u1 .ront2 @e has not even took o.. 0et6 be.ore all the
1eo1le aroun us get u1 an go set some/here else in the back o. the 1lane2 I a5e+ :olonel
,ooch /h0 that /as6 an he sa0 it 1robl0 cause /e smell .unn0 or somethin2 <e sa0 not
to /orr0 about it2 <e sa0 things be better in @ashington2 I ho1e so6 cause even a moron
like me can .igger out that so .ar6 it is not like the colonel sa0 it /oul+ be2
@hen the 1lane get to @ashington I am so e5cite+ I can bustE @e can see the
@ashington *onument an the :a1itol an all .rom out the /in+er an I have onl0 sa/
1icures o. them things6 but there the0 are6 real as rain2 3he Drm0 have sent a car to 1ick
us u1 an /e is taken to a real nice hotel6 /ith elevators an stu.. an 1eo1le to lug 0our shit
aroun .or 0ou2 I have never been in a elevator be.ore2
D.ter /e get s9uare+ a/a0 in our rooms6 :olonel ,ooch come over an sa0 /e is goin
out .or a +rink to this little bar he remembers /here the0 is a lot o. 1rett0 girls6 an he sa0
it is a lot +i..erent here than in :ali.ornia on account o. 1eo1le in the East are civiliFe+
an shit2 <e is /rong again2
@e set +o/n at a table an :olonel ,ooch or+er me a beer an somethin .or hisse. an he
begin tellin me ho/ I got to act at the ceremon0 tomorro/ /hen the Presi+ent 1in the
me+al on me2
Bout hal./a0 through his talk6 a 1rett0 girl come u1 to the table an :olonel ,ooch look
u1 an a5e her to git us t/o more +rinks cause I guess he think she is the /aitress2 But
she look +o/n an sa06 =I /oul+n get 0ou a glass o. /arm s1it6 0ou .ilth0 cocksucker2=
3hen she turn to me an sa06 =<o/ man0 babies have 0ou kilt to+a06 0ou big a1e>=
@ell6 /e gone on back to the hotel a.ter that6 an or+ere+ some beer .rom room service6
an :olonel ,ooch get to .inish tellin me ho/ to act tomorro/2
Ne5 morning /e u1 bright an earl0 an /alk on over to the @hite <ouse /here the
Presi+ent live2 It is a real 1rett0 house /ith a big la/n an all that look almost as big as
cit0 hall back in *obile2 D lot o. Drm0 1eo1le be there 1um1in m0 han an tellin me
/hat a .ine .eller I am6 an then it is time to get the me+al2
3he Presi+ent is a great big ole gu0 /ho talk like he is .rom 3e5as or somethin an the0
has assemble+ a /hole bunch o. 1eo1le some o. /hich look like mai+s an cleanin men
an such6 but the0 is all out in this nice rose gar+en in the bright sunshine2
Dn Drm0 gu0 commence to rea+in some kin+ o. bullshit an everbo+0 be listenin u1
keen6 ce1t .or me6 on account o. I is starvin since /e has not ha+ our break.ast 0et2
(inall0 the Drm0 gu0 is thru an then the Presi+ent come u1 to me an take the me+al out
o. a bo5 an 1in it on m0 chest2 3hen he shake m0 han an all these 1eo1le start takin
1ichers an cla11in an such as that2
I .igger it is over then6 an /e can get the hell out o. there6 but the Presi+ent6 he still
stan+in there6 lookin at me kin+ o. .unn02 (inall0 he sa06 =Bo06 is that 0our stomach that
is gro/lin like that>=
I glance over at :olonel ,ooch but he ;us roll his e0es u16 an so I no+6 an sa06 =?h6
huh6= an the Presi+ent sa06 =@ell6 c7mon bo06 lets go an git us somethin to eatE=
I .oller him insi+e an /e go into a little roun room an the Presi+ent tell a gu0 /ho is
+resse+ u1 like a /aiter to bring me some break.ast2 It ;us the t/o o. us in there6 an /ile
/e is /aitin .or the break.ast he start a5in me 9uestions6 such as +o I kno/ /h0 /e is
.ightin the gooks an all6 an is the0 treatin us right in the Drm02 I ;us no+ m0 hea+ an a.ter
a /ile he sto1 a5in me 9uestions an the0 is this kin+ o. silence an then he sa06 =4o 0ou
/ant to /atch some television /ile /e is /aitin .or 0our .oo+>=
I no+ m0 hea+ again6 an the Presi+ent turn on a tv set behin his +esk an /e /atch =3he
Beverl0 <illbillies2= 3he Presi+ent is most amuse+ an sa0 he /atches it ever +a0 an that
I sort o. remin him o. )ethro2 D.ter break.ast6 the Presi+ent a5e me i. I /ant him to sho/
me aroun the house6 an I sa06 =Aeah6= an o.. /e go2 @hen /e get outsi+e6 all them
1hotogra1her .ellers are .ollo/in us aroun an then the Presi+ent +eci+e to set +o/n on a
little bench an he sa0 to me6 =Bo06 0ou /as /oun+e+6 /asn7t 0ou>= an I no+6 an then he
sa06 =@ell6 look at this6= an he 1ull u1 his shirt an sho/ me a big ole scar on his stomach
/here he has ha+ an o1eration o. some kin+6 an he a5e6 =@here /as 0ou /oun+e+>= an
so I 1ull +o/n m0 1ants an sho/ him2 @ell6 all them 1hotogra1her .ellers rush u1 an
start to take 1ichers6 an several .olks come runnin over an I am hustle+ a/a0 to /here
:olonel ,ooch is /aitin2
3hat a.ternoon back at our hotel6 :olonel ,ooch su++enl0 come bustin into m0 room
/ith a han.ul o. ne/s1a1ers an bo0 is he ma+2 <e begun hollerin an cussin at me an
.lung the 1a1ers +o/n on m0 be+ an there I am6 on the .ront 1age6 sho/in m0 big ass an
the Presi+ent is sho/in his scar2 Cne o. the 1a1ers has +ra/n a little black mask over m0
e0es so the0 can7t recogniFe me6 like the0 +o /ith +irt0 1itchers2
3he ca1tion sa06 =Presi+ent )ohnson an+ @ar <ero -ela5ing in the -ose ,ar+en2=
=,um16 0ou i+iotE= :olonel ,ooch sa02 =<o/ coul+ 0ou +o this to me> I am ruint2 *0
career is 1robl0 .inishe+E=
=I +unno6= I sa0s6 =but I am tr0in to +o the right thing2=
Dn0ho/6 a.ter that I be in the +oghouse again6 but the0 has not give u1 on me 0et2 3he
Drm0 have +eci+e+ that I /ill go on the recruitment tour to tr0 to get .ellers to sign u1
.or the /ar6 an :olonel ,ooch has gotten somebo+0 to /rite u1 a s1eech that the0
e51ect me to make2 It is a long s1eech6 an .ille+ /ith such things as =In time o. crisis6
nothin is more honorable an 1atriotic than to serve 0our countr0 in the Drme+ (orces6=
an a /hole bunch o. shit like that2 3rouble /as6 I coul+ not never get the s1eech learnt2
Ch6 I coul+ see all the /or+s in m0 hea+ oka06 but /hen it come time to sa0 it6 everthin
get all mu++le+ u12
:olonel ,ooch is besi+e hisse.2 <e make me sta0 u1 till almost mi+night ever +a06 tr0in
to get the s1eech right6 but .inall0 he tho/e+ u1 his hans an sa06 =I can see this is not
gonna /ork2=
3hen he come u1 /ith a i+ea2 =,um16= he sa06 =here7s /hat /e is gonna +o2 I am gonna
cut this s1eech shorter6 an so all 0ou /ill have to +o is sa0 a .e/ things2 Let us tr0 that2=
@ell6 he cut it shorter an shorter an shorter6 till he is .inall0 satis.ie+ that I can remember
the s1eech an not look like a i+iot2 In the en+6 all I have got to sa0 is =)oin the Drm0 an
.ight .or 0our .ree+om2=
Cur .irst sto1 on the tour is a little college an the0 have got some re1orters an
1hotogra1hers there6 an /e is in a big au+itorium u1 on the stage2 :olonel ,ooch get u1
an he begin givin the s1eech I +one s1ose+ to have ma+e2 @hen he is thru6 he sa06 =Dn
no/6 /e /ill have a .e/ remarks .rom the latest :ongressional *e+al o. <onor /inner6
P2(2:2 (orrest ,um16= an he motion .or me to come .or/ar+2 Some 1eo1le are cla11in6
an /hen the0 sto16 I lean .or/ar+ an sa06 =)oin the Drm0 an .ight .or 0our .ree+om2=
I reckon the0 be e51ectin somethin more6 but that7s all I been tole to sa06 so I ;us stan+
there6 everbo+0 lookin at me6 me lookin back at them2 3hen all o. a su++en somebo+0 in
the .ront shout out6 =@hat +o 0ou think o. the /ar>= an I sa0 the .irst thing that come
into m0 min+6 /hich is6 =It is a bunch o. shit2=
:olonel ,ooch come an gra11e+ the micro1hone a/a0 .rom me an set me back +o/n6
but all the re1orters be scribblin in the0 notebooks an the 1hotogra1hers be takin 1ichers6
an everbo+0 in the au+ience goin /il+6 ;um1in u1 an +o/n an cheerin2 :olonel ,ooch
get me out o. there 1ronto6 an /e be in the car +rivin .ast out o. to/n6 an the colonel
ain7t sa0in nothin to me6 but he is talkin to hisse. an laughin this /eir+6 nutt0 little laugh2
Ne5t mornin /e is in a hotel rea+0 to give our secon+ s1eech on the tour /hen the 1hone
ring2 It is .or :olonel ,ooch2 @hoever on the other en+ o. the line seem to be +oin all
the talkin6 an the colonel is +oin the listenin an sa0in =Aessir= a /hole lot6 an ever so
o.ten he is glarin over at me2 @hen he .inall0 1ut the 1hone +o/n6 he be starin at his
shoes an he sa06 =@ell6 ,um16 no/ 0ou has +one it2 3he tour is cancele+6 I have been
reassigne+ to a /eather station in Icelan+6 an I +o not kno/ or care /hat is to become o.
0our sorr0 ass2= I a5e+ :olonel ,ooch i. /e coul+ get oursel.s a :o7:ola no/6 an he ;us
look at me .or a minute6 then start that talkin to hisse. again an laughin that /eir+6 nutt0
laugh2
3he0 sent me to (ort 4i5 a.ter that6 an assign me to the Steam <eat :om1an02 Dll +a0
an ha. the night I be shovelin coal into the boilers that kee1 the barracks /arm2 3he
com1an0 comman+er is a kin+ o. ole gu0 /ho +on7t seem to give much o. a +amn bout
nothin6 an he sa0 /hen I get there I has ;ust got t/o more 0ears le.t in the Drm0 be.ore I
am +ischarge+6 an to kee1 m0 nose clean an everthin /ill be oka02 Dn that is /hat I am
tr0in to +o2 I be thinkin a lot about m0 mama an bout Bubba an the little srim1 bi+ness
an )enn0 :urran u1 at <arvar+6 an I am 1la0in a little 1ing1ong on the si+e2
Cne +a0 ne5t s1ring there is a notice that the0 is gonna have a 1ost 1ing1ong
tournament an the /inner /ill get to go to @ashington to 1la0 .or the Dll Drm0
cham1ionshi12 I signe+ m0se. u1 an it /as 1rett0 eas0 to /in on account o. the onl0
other gu0 that /as an0 goo+ ha+ got his .ingers blo/e+ o.. in the /ar an ke1 +ro11in his
1a++le2
Ne5t /eek I am sent to @ashington an the tournament is bein helt at @alter -ee+
<os1ital6 /here all the /oun+e+ .ellers can set an /atch us 1la02 I /on 1rett0 eas0 the
.irst roun6 an the secont too6 but in the thir+6 I have +ra/n a little bitt0 .eller /ho 1uts all
sorts o. s1in on the ball an I am havin a terrible time /ith him6 an gettin m0 ass
/hi11e+2 <e is lea+in me .our games to t/o an it look like I am gonna lose6 /hen all o.
a su++en I look over in the cro/+ an /ho shoul+ be settin there in a /heelchair but
Lieutenant 4an .rom the hos1ital back at 4anangE
@e have a little break bet/een games an I go over to 4an an look +o/n at him an he
ain7t got no legs no more2
=3he0 ha+ to take them o..6 (orrest6= he sa06 =but other than that6 I am ;us .ine2=
3he0 have also taken o.. the ban+ages .rom his .ace6 an he is terrible scarre+ an burnt
.rom /here his tank caught .ire2 Dlso6 he still have a tube runnin into him .rom a bottle
hooke+ onto a 1ole on his /heelchair2
=3he0 sa0 the0 gonna leave that like it is6= 4an sa02 =3he0 think it looks goo+ on me2=
Dn0ho/6 he lean .or/ar+ an look me in the e0e6 an sa06 =(orrest6 I believe that 0ou can
+o an0 +amn thing 0ou /ant to2 I have been /atchin 0ou 1la06 an 0ou can beat this little
gu0 because 0ou 1la0 a hell o. a game o. 1ing1ong an it is 0our +estin0 to be the best2=
I no+ an it is time to go on back out there6 an a.ter that6 I +i+ not lose a single 1oint6 an I
go on to the .inals an /in the /hole tournament2
I /as there .or about three +a0s6 an 4an an me got to s1en+ some time together2 I /oul+
roll him aroun in his /heelchair6 sometimes out in the gar+en /here he coul+ get some
sun6 an at night I /oul+ 1la0 m0 harmonica .or him like I +i+ .or Bubba2 *ostl06 he
like+ to talk bout thingsall sorts o. thingssuch as histor0 an+ 1hiloso1h06 an one +a0 he
is talkin bout Einstein7s theor0 o. relativit06 an /hat it mean in terms o. the universe2
@ell6 I got me a 1iece o. 1a1er an I +ra/e+ it out .or him6 the /hole .ormula6 cause it
/as somethin /e ha+ to +o in the Interme+iate Light class back at the ?niversit02 <e
look at /hat I have +one6 an he sa06 =(orrest6 0ou never cease to amaFe me2=
Cne +a0 /hen I /as back at (ort 4i5 shovelin coal in the Steam <eat :om1an06 a .eller
.rom the Pentagon sho/e+ u1 /ith a chest .ull o. me+als an a big smile on his .ace6 an
he sa06 =P2(2:2 ,um16 it is m0 1leasure to in.orm 0ou that 0ou is been chosen as a
member o. the ?nite+ States PingPong 3eam to go to -e+ :hina an 1la0 the :hinese in
1ing1ong2 3his is a s1ecial honor6 because .or the .irst time in nearl0 t/ent0.ive 0ears
our countr0 is having an0thing to +o /ith the :hinamen6 an it is an event .ar more
im1ortant than an0 +amn 1ing1ong game2 It is +i1lomac06 an+ the .uture o. the human
race might be at stake2 4o 0ou un+erstan+ /hat I am sa0ing>=
I shrug m0 shoul+ers an no+ m0 hea+6 but somethin +o/n in me sinkin .ast2 I am ;us a
1o ole i+iot6 an no/ I have got the /hole human race to look a.ter2
9
<ere I am6 hal./a0 roun the /orl+ again6 this time in Peking6 :hina2
3he other 1eo1le that 1la0 on the 1ing1ong team are real nice .ellers /hat come .rom
ever /alk o. li.e6 an the0 is s1eciall0 nice to me2 3he :hinamen is nice6 too6 an the0 is
ver0 +i..erent sorts o. gooks .rom /hat I seen in Hietnam2 (irst o..6 the0 is neat an clean
an ver0 1olite2 Secon+6 the0 is not tr0in to mur+er me2
3he Dmerican State 4e1artment have sent a .eller /ith us /ho is there to tell us ho/ to
behave aroun the :hinamen6 an o. all I have met6 he is the onl0 one not so nice2 In .act6
he is a tur+2 *ister @ilkins is his name6 an he have a little thin moustache an+ al/a0s
carr0 a brie.case an /orr0 about /hether or not his shoes is shine+ an his 1ants is
1resse+ or his shirt is clean2 I bet in the mornin he get u1 an s1itshines his asshole2
*ister @ilkins is al/a0s on m0 case2 =,um16= he sa06 =/hen a :hinaman bo/ to 0ou6
0ou gotta bo/ back2 ,um16 0ou gotta 9uit a+;ustin 0ourse. in 1ublic2 ,um16 /hat are
them stains on 0our trousers> ,um16 0ou have got the table manners o. a hog2=
In that last6 ma0be he is right2 3hem :hinamen eat /ith t/o little sticks an it is almost
im1ossible to shovel an0 .oo+ in 0our mouth /ith em6 an so a lot o. it /in+ u1 on m0
clothes2 No /on+er 0ou +o not see a lot o. .at :hinamen aroun2 Aou /oul+ think the0
/oul+ o. learnt to use a .ork b0 no/2
Dn0/a06 /e is 1la0in a /hole lot o. matches against the :hinamen an the0 has got some
ver0 goo+ 1la0ers2 But /e is hol+in our o/n2 Dt night the0 has almost al/a0s got
somethin .or us to +o6 such as go out .or su11er some1lace6 or listen to a concert2 Cne
night6 /e is all s1ose+ to go out to a restaurant calle+ the Peking 4uck6 an /hen I get
+o/n to the lobb0 o. the hotel6 *ister @ilkins sa06 =,um16 0ou has got to go back to
0our room an change that shirt2 It look like 0ou has been in a .oo+ .ight or somethin2=
<e take me over to the hotel +esk an get a :hinaman /ho s1eak English to /rite a little
note .or me6 sa0ing in :hinese that I am goin to the Peking 4uck restaurant6 an tell me
to give it to the cab +river2
=@e are going ahea+6= *ister @ilkins sa02 =Aou give the +river the note an he /ill take
0ou there2= So I gone on back to m0 room an 1ut on a ne/ shirt2
Dn0ho/6 I .in+ a cab in .ront o. the hotel an get in6 an he +rive a/a02 I be searchin .or
the note to give him6 but b0 the time I .igger out I must o. le. it in m0 +irt0 shirt6 /e is
long gone in the mi++le o. to/n2 3he +river kee1 ;abberin back at me6 I reckon he7s a5in
me /here I /ant to go6 an I kee1 sa0in6 =Peking 4uck6 Peking 4uck6= but he be tho/in
u1 his hans an givin me a tour o. the cit02
Dll this go on .or bout a hour6 an let me tell 0ou6 I have see+ some sights2 (inall0 I ta1
him on the shoul+er an /hen he turn aroun6 I sa06 =Peking 4uck6= an start to .la1 m0
arms like the0 is +ucks7 /ings2 Dll o. a su++en6 the +river get a big ole smile6 an he start
no++in an +rive o..2 Ever once in a /ile he look back at me6 an I start .la11in m0 /ings
again2 Bout a hour later6 he sto1 an I look out the /in+er an +amn i. he ain7t took me to
the air1ortE
@ell6 b0 this time6 it is gettin late6 an I ain7t ha+ no +inner or nothin6 an I7m gettin bout
starve+6 so /e 1ass this restaurant an I tole the +river to let me out2 I han him a /a+ o.
this gook mone0 the0 give us6 an he han me some back an a/a0 he go2
I /ent in the restaurant an set +o/n an I might as /ell o. been on the moon2 3his la+0
come over an look at me real .unn06 an han me a menu6 but it is in :hinese6 so a.ter a
/ile6 I ;us 1oint to .our or .ive +i..erent things an .igger one o. them has to be eatable2
Dctuall06 the0 /as all 1rett0 goo+2 @hen I am thru6 I 1ai+ u1 an /ent on out on the
street an tr0 to .ine m0 /a0 back to the hotel6 but I be /alkin .or hours I guess6 /hen
the0 1ick me u12
Ne5t thing I kno/e+6 I has been tho/n in ;ail2 3he0 is a big ole :hinaman /hat s1eak
English6 an he is a5in me all sorts o. 9uestions an o..erin me cigarettes6 ;us like the0 +i+
in them ol+ movies2 It /ere the ne5 a.ternoon be.ore the0 .inall0 got me outG *ister
@ilkins come +o/n to the ;ail an he is talkin .or bout a hour6 an the0 let me go2
*ister @ilkins is ho11in ma+2 =4o 0ou realiFe6 ,um16 that the0 think 0ou are a s10>= he
sa02 =4o 0ou kno/ /hat this can +o to this /hole e..ort> Dre 0ou craF0>=
I starte+ to tell him6 =No6 I is ;us a i+iot6= but I let it go2 Dn0ho/6 a.ter that6 *ister
@ilkins bu0 a big balloon .rom a street ven+er an tie+ it on m0 shirt button6 so he can
tell /here I is =at all times2= Dlso6 .rom then on6 he 1inne+ a note on m0 la1el6 sa0in /ho
I /as an /here I am sta0in2 It ma+e me .eel like a .ool2
Cne +a0 the0 loa+ us u1 in a bus an take us /a0 out o. to/n to a big river an the0 is a lot
o. :hinamen stan+in aroun lookin o..icial an all6 an the reason6 /e .in+ out soon
enough6 is that the hea+ :hinaman o. them all6 :hairman *ao6 is there2
:hairman *ao is a big ole .at Bu++alookin gu06 an he has taken o.. his 1a;a0mas an is
in his s/imming trunks an the0 sa0s :hairman *ao at the age o. eight0 is gonna s/im
this river b0 hisse. an the0 /ant us to /atch him +o it2
@ell6 the :hairman6 he /a+e on in an start s/imming an .olks is takin 1ichers an all
them other :hinamen be chatterin a/a0 an lookin 1lease+2 <e is bout hal./a0 cross the
river6 /hen he sto1 an raise his han an /ave at us2 Everbo+0 /ave back2
Bout a minute later6 he /ave again6 an everbo+0 /ave back2
Not too long a.ter that6 :hairman *ao /ave .or a thir+ time6 an su++enl0 it begun to
+a/n on everbo+0 that he is not /aving6 he is +ro/ninE
@ell6 the shit +one hit the .an6 an I .inall0 un+erstan /hat a =:hinese (ire 4rill= is2
Peo1le is ;um1in in the /ater an boats is racin out .rom the other si+e o. the river an
everbo+0 on shore is cr0in an lea1in u1 an +o/n an smackin the0 1alms against the si+e
o. the0 hea+s2 I sa06 the hell /ith this6 cause I sa/ /here he /ent un+er6 an I tho/e+ o..
m0 shoes an into the river I /ent2 I 1ast all the :hinamen /ho /as s/imming out there
an got to the 1lace /here :hairman *ao ha+ gone un+er2 3he boat be circlin6 an 1eo1le
lookin over the si+es like the0 is gonna see somethin6 /hich /as kin+ o. sill0 since the
river is bout the same color as se/er /ater back home2
Dn0ho/6 I +ive+ +o/n three or .our times an sure enough6 I bum1e+ into the ole basti+
.loatin aroun un+er/ater2 I haul him u1 an some :hinamen gra11e+ him an tho/e+ him
in the boat an took o..2 4i+n7t even bother to take me along6 an so7s I have got to s/im
all the /a0 back b0 m0se.2
@hen I get to the bank6 all the 1eo1le there be ;um1in u1 an +o/n an cr0in an sla11in
me on the back6 an the0 1ick me u1 an carr0 me on the0 shoul+ers to the bus2 But /hen
/e is on the roa+ again6 *ister @ilkins come u1 to me an be shakin his hea+2 =Aou big
+umb goo.6= he sa06 =+o 0ou not realiFe that the best thing that coul+ o. ha11ene+ .or the
?nite+ States /as to let that sumbitch +ro/nE Aou6 ,um16 is lost us the o11ortunit0 o. a
li.etime2=
So I guess I +one scre/e+ u1 again2 I +unno2 I am still ;us tr0 in to +o the right thing2
@e is about thru /ith the 1ing1ong games6 an I have lost count o. /ho is /innin or
losin2 But /hat has ha11en in the mean/hile is that on account o. m0 1ullin ole
:hairman *ao out o. the river6 I has become sort o. a national hero to the :hinamen2
=,um16= *ister @ilkins sa06 =0our stu1i+it0 seems to have turne+ into an a+vantage2 I
have receive+ a re1ort that the :hinese envo0 /oul+ like to start +iscussions bout the
1ossibilit0 o. reo1ening .oreign relations /ith us2 (urthermore6 the :hinese /ish to tho/
0ou a big 1ara+e thru +o/nto/n Peking6 an so I e51ect 0ou to be on 0our goo+
behavior2=
3he0 helt the 1ara+e t/o +a0s later6 an it /ere a sight to see2 3he0 /as bout a billion
:hinamen along the streets6 an the0 /as /avin an bo/in an all /hen I /ent b02 3he
thing /as s1ose+ to /in+ u1 at the Bumingtang6 /hich is like the ca1itol o. :hina6 an I
am s1ose+ to get thanke+ b0 :hairman *ao 1ersonall02
@hen /e get there6 the :hairman is all +rie+ out an gla+ to see me2 3he0 has 1ut on a
big s1rea+ .or lunch an I get to sit ne5 to the :hairman hisse.2 In the mi++le o. the lunch6
he lean over to me an sa06 =I have hear+ 0ou /as in Hietnam2 *a0 I ask /hat 0ou think
o. the /ar>= Dn inter1reter translate that .or me6 an I think about it .or a moment or t/o6
but then I .igger6 /hat the hell6 i. he +i+n7t /ant to kno/6 he /oul+n7t o. a5e+6 an so I
sa06 =I think it7s a bunch o. shit2=
3he inter1reter translate that back to him6 an :hairman *ao get a o++ e51ression on his
.ace6 an look at me .unn06 but then his e0es light u1 an he break out /ith a big smile6 an
start shakin m0 han an no++in his hea+ like one o. them little +olls /ith a s1ring .or a
neck2 Peo1le took 1itchers o. that6 an a.ter/ar+ the0 /as in the Dmerican ne/s1a1ers2
But I ain7t never tole nobo+0 till no/ /hat I sai+ to make him smile that /a02
3he +a0 /e le.6 /e is goin out o. the hotel an the0 is a big cro/+ /atchin us leave an
cheerin an cla11in2 I look over an the0 is this :hinese mama /ith a little bo0 on her
shoul+ers6 an I can see he is a real *ongolian i+iote0es all crosse+6 tongue hangin out6
+roolin an babbling like them kin+s o. i+iots +o2 @ell6 I can7t he1 m0se.2 *ister @ilkins
have or+ere+ us not to never go u1 to an0 :hinamen /ithout .irst gettin his 1ermission6
but I /ent on over there an I got me a cou1le o. 1ing1ong balls in m0 1ocket an I take
one o. em out an get a 1en an 1ut m0 J on it an give it to the little bo02 (irs thing he
+oes is 1ut it in his mouth6 but then6 /hen that all straightene+ out6 he reach out an gra1
m0 .ingers /ith his han2 Dn then he start to smilegreat big ole grinan all o. a su++en I
seen tears in his mama7s e0es6 an she start chatterin6 an our inter1reter sa0 to me that is
the .irst time the little .eller have ever smile+2 3he0 is things I coul+ tell her6 I guess6 but
/e ain7t got time2
Dn0/a06 I start to /alk a/a0 an the little bo0 +one tho/e+ the 1ing 1ong ball an bounce
it o.. the back o. m0 hea+2 It /ere ;us m0 luck that somebo+0 got a 1hotogra1h right at
that moment6 an6 o. course6 it /oun+ u1 in the ne/s1a1ers2 =Aoung :hinese 4is1la0s
<is <atre+ o. Dmerican :a1italists6= the ca1tion sai+2
Dn0/a06 *ister @ilkins come u1 an +rag me a/a0 an .ore I kno/ it6 /e is on the 1lane
an .l0in high2 Last thing he sa0s to me a.ore /e lan+ back in @ashington is6 =@ell6
,um16 I s1ose 0ou kno/ about the :hinese custom that i. 0ou save a :hinaman7s li.e6
0ou is res1onsible .or it .orever2= <e have a nast0 little smile on his .ace6 an he is settin
ne5t to me on the 1lane an the0 has ;ust tole us not to get u1 an to .asten our seatbelts2
@ell6 I ;us look over at him an cut the biggest .art o. m0 li.e2 It soun somethin like a
buFF sa/2 *ister @ilkins7 e0es bugge+ out an he sa06 =DrggggE= an start .annin the air an
tr0in to unloosen his seatbelt2
D 1rett0 ste/ar+ess come runnin u1 to see /hat all the commotion is about an *ister
@ilkins is coughin an choakin an all o. a su++en I +one starte+ .annin the air m0se. an
hol+in m0 nose an 1ointin at *ister @ilkins6 an shoutin6 =Somebo+0 o1en a /in+er6= an
shit like that2 *ister @ilkins6 he get all re+ in the .ace an begin 1rotestin an 1ointin back
at me6 but the ste/ar+ess6 she ;us smile+ an gone on back to her seat2 D.ter he 9uit
s1utterin an all6 *ister @ilkins start a+;ustin his collar an sa0 to me un+er his breath6
=,um16 that /as a e5tremel0 cru+e thing to +o2= But I ;us grinne+ an looke+ straight
ahea+2
3he0 sent me back to (ort 4i5 a.ter that6 but instea+ o. 1uttin me in the Steam <eat
:om1an06 I am tole the0 is lettin me out o. the Drm0 earl02 It +on7t take but a +a0 or so6
an then I am gone2 3he0 give me some mone0 .or a ticket home6 an I have got a .e/
+ollars m0se.2 No/ I got to +eci+e /hat to +o2
I kno/ I ought to go on home an see m0 mama6 cause she7s in the 1o house an all2 I
think ma0be I ought to get starte+ /ith the little srim1 bi+ness6 too6 an begin to make
somethin o. m0 li.e6 but all this time6 in the back o. m0 min+6 I have been thinkin o.
)enn0 :urran u1 at <arvar+ ?niversit02 I got a bus to the train station6 an all the /a0
there I am tr0in to .igger /hat is the right thing to +o2 But /hen the time come to bu0
m0 ticket6 I tole them I /ante+ to go to Boston2 3here are ;us times /hen 0ou can7t let
the right thing stan+ in 0o /a02
1!
I +i+ not have no a++ress .or )enn0 ce1t a 1ost o..ice bo56 but I +i+ have her letter /ith
the name o. the little 1lace /here she sai+ she /as 1la0in /ith her ban+6 3he :racke+
Eggs2 It /as calle+ the <o+a++0 :lub2 I trie+ to /alk there .rom the train station6 but I
ke1 gettin lost6 so I .inall0 took a ta5icab2 It /as in the a.ternoon an there /as nobo+0 in
there but a cou1le o. +runk gu0s an bout a hal. inch o. beer on the .loor .rom the night
be.ore2 But the0 /as a .eller behin the bar sa0 )enn0 an them /ill be there bout nine
o7clock2 I a5e+ i. I can /ait6 an the gu0 sa06 =Sure6= so I set +o/n .or .ive or si5 hours an
took a loa+ o.. m0 .eet2 4irectl06 the 1lace begun to .ill u12 3he0 /as mostl0 college
lookin ki+s but /as +resse+ like geeks at a si+esho/2 Everbo+0 /earin +irt0 blue ;eans
an tee shirts an all the gu0s ha+ bear+s an /ore glasses an all the girls have hair that look
like a bir+ gonna .l0 out o. it an0 secont2 Presentl0 the ban+ come out on stage an start
settin u12 3he0 is three or .our .ellers an the0 has got all this huge electric stu..6 1luggin
it in ever/here2 It certainl0 is a .ar cr0 .rom /hat /e +one in the Stu+ent ?nion buil+ing
back at the ?niversit02 Dlso6 I +o not see )enn0 :urran no1lace2
D.ter the0 get the electric stu.. set u16 the0 start to 1la06 an let me sa0 this: them 1eo1le
/as lou+E Dll sorts o. colore+ lights begin to .lash an the music the0 is makin soun+ sort
o. like a ;et air1lane /hen it takin o..2 But the cro/+ lovin it an /hen the0 is +one6
everbo+0 begin to cheer an 0ell2 3hen a light .all on a si+e o. the stage an there she is
)enn0 herse.E
She is change+ .rom the /a0 I kno/n her2 (irst6 she is got hair +o/n to her ass6 an is
/earin sunglasses insi+e6 at nightE She is +resse+ in blue ;eans an a shirt /ith so man0
s1angles on it she look like a tele1hone s/itchboar+2 3he ban+ start u1 again an )enn0
begun to sing2 She has gra11e+ hole o. the micro1hone an is +ancin all aroun the stage6
;um1in u1 an +o/n an /avin her arms an tossin her hair aroun2 I am tr0in to un+erstan
the /or+s to the song6 but the ban+ is 1la0in too lou+ .or that6 beatin on the +rums6
bangin on the 1iano6 s/attin them electric guitars till it seem like the roo. gonna cave in2
I am thinkin6 /hat the hell is this>
D.ter a /ile the0 take a break an so I got u1 an trie+ to get through a +oor that go
backstage2 But the0 is a .eller stan+ing there /ho sa0 I cannot come in2 @hen I go
/alkin back to m0 seat6 I notice everbo+0 is starin at m0 Drm0 uni.orm2 =3hat is some
costume 0ou has got on there6= somebo+0 sa0s6 an somebo+0 else sa06 =(ar outE= an
another one sa06 =Is he .or real>=
I am beginnin to .eel like a i+iot again6 an so I gone on outsi+e6 thinkin ma0be I can
/alk aroun an .igger things out2 I guess I must o. /alke+ .or ha. an hour or so6 an /hen
I get back to the 1lace the0 is a long line o. 1eo1le /aitin to get in2 I go u1 to the .ront
an tr0 to s1lain to the gu0 that all m0 stu.. is in there6 but he sa0 to go /ait at the en+ o.
the line2 I guess I stoo+ there a hour or so6 an listene+ to the music comin .rom insi+e6 an
I have to tell 0ou6 it soun+e+ a little better /hen 0ou got a/a0 .rom it like that2
Dn0/a06 a.ter a /ile6 I got bore+ an /ent +o/n a alle0 an roun to the back o. the club2
3he0 /as some little ste1s an I sat +o/n there an /atche+ the rats chasin each other in
the garbage2 I ha+ m0 harmonica in m0 1ocket6 so7s to 1ass the time6 I got it out an
starte+ to 1la0 a little2 I coul+ still hear the music .rom )enn07s ban+6 an a.ter a /ile I
.oun m0se. bein able to 1la0 along /ith them6 sort o. usin the chromatic sto1 to get hal.
out o. ke0 so it /oul+ .it in /ith /hat the0 /as 1la0in2 I +on7t kno/ ho/ long it /as6 but
it +i+n7t take much a.ore I /as able to make runs o. m0 o/n6 /a0 u1 in : ma;or6 an to
m0 su1rise6 it +i+n7t soun hal. ba+ /hen 0ou /as 1la0in itso long as 0ou +i+n7t have to
listen to it too2
Dll o. a su++en the +oor behin me bust o1en an there is )enn0 stan+in there2 I guess the0
ha+ taken their break again6 but I /a+n7t 1a0in no attention an ha+ ke1 on 1la0in2
=@ho is that out there>= she sa02
=It7s me6= I sa06 but it is +ark in the alle0 an she stick her hea+ out the +oor an sa06 =@ho
is 1la0in that harmonica>=
I stan+ u1 an I am kin+ o. embarrasse+ on account o. m0 clothes6 but I sa06 =It7s me2
(orrest2=
=It is /ho> = she sa02
=(orrest2=
=(orrest> (orrest ,um1E = an su++enl0 she rush out the +oor an tho/e+ herse. into m0
arms2
)enn0 an me6 /e set aroun backstage an caught u1 on things till she ha+ to 1la0 her ne5
set2 She ha+ not e5actl0 9uit school6 she ha+ got tho/e+ out /hen the0 .oun her in a
.eller7s room one night2 3hat /as a tho/inout o..ense in them +a0s2 3he ban;o 1la0er
ha+ run o.. to :ana+a rather than go in the Drm06 an the little ban+ ha+ broke u12 )enn0
ha+ gone out to :ali.ornia .or a /ile6 an /eare+ .lo/ers in her hair6 but she sa0 them
1eo1le is a bunch o. .reaks /ho is stone+ all the time6 an so she met this gu0 an come
/ith him to Boston6 an the0 ha+ +one some 1eace marches an all6 but he turne+ out to be
a .air06 so she s1lit u1 /ith him6 an took u1 /ith a real serious 1eace marcher /ho /as
in to makin bombs an stu..6 an blo/in u1 buil+ins2 3hat +i+n7t /ork out neither6 so she
met u1 /ith this gu0 /hat teache+ at <arvar+ ?niversit06 but it turne+ out he /as
marrie+2 Ne5t6 she /ent /ith a gu0 that ha+ seeme+ real nice but one +a0 he got both
their asses arreste+ .or sho1li.ting6 an she +eci+e+ it /as time to 1ull herse. together2
She .ell in /ith 3he :racke+ Eggs6 an the0 starte+ 1la0in a ne/ kin+ o. music6 an got
real 1o1ular aroun Boston6 an the0 /as even gonna go to Ne/ Aork an make a ta1e .or
an album ne5 /eek2 She sa0 she is seein this gu0 that goes to <arvar+ ?niversit06 an is a
stu+ent in 1hiloso1h06 but that a.ter the sho/ tonight6 I can come home an sta0 /ith
them2 I am ver0 +isa11ointe+ that she has got herse. a bo0.rien6 but I +on7t have no1lace
else to go6 so that7s /hat I +one2
-u+ol1h is the bo0.rien7s name2 <e is a little gu0 bout a hun+rit 1oun+s or so6 an has
hair like a +ustmo1 an /ears a lot o. bea+s aroun his neck an is settin on the .loor /hen
/e get to their a1artment6 me+itatin like a guru2
=-u+ol1h6= )enn0 sa06 =this is (orrest2 <e is a .rien+ o. mine .rom home6 an he is gonna
be sta0in /ith us a /ile2=
-u+ol1h +on7t sa0 nothin6 but he /ave his han+ like the Po1e /hen he is blessin
somethin2
)enn0 ain7t got but one be+6 but she ma+e u1 a little 1allet .or me on the .loor an that is
/here I sle1t2 It /a+n7t no /orse than a lot o. 1laces I sle1t in the Drm06 an a +amn sight
better than some2
Ne5t mornin I get u1 an there is -u+ol1h still settin in the mi++le o. the room me+itatin2
)enn0 .i5e+ me some break.ast an /e le. ole -u+ol1h settin there an she took me on a
tour o. :ambri+ge2 (irst thing she sa0s is that I have got to get m0se. some ne/ clothes6
on account o. 1eo1le u1 here +oes not un+erstan an /ill think I am tr0in to 1ut them on2
So /e go to a sur1lus store an I get me some overalls an a lumber ;acket an change into
them right there an take m0 uni.orm in a 1a1er bag2
@e is /alkin aroun <arvar+ ?niversit06 an /ho +oes )enn0 run into but the marrie+
1ro.essor she use+ to +ate2 She is still .rien+s /ith him6 even tho in 1rivate she like to
re.er to him as a =+egenerate tur+2= 4octor 8uackenbush is his name2
Dn0/a06 he is all e5cite+ on account o. he is beginnin to teach a ne/ course ne5t /eek
that he thunk u1 all b0 hisse.2 It is calle+ the =-ole o. the I+iot in @orl+ Literature2=
I 1i1e u1 an sa0 I think it soun+s 1rett0 interestin6 an he sa06 =@ell6 (orrest6 /h0 +on7t
0ou sit in on the class> Aou might en;o0 it2=
)enn0 look at both o. us kin+ o. .unn0like6 but she +on7t sa0 nothin2 @e gone on back to
the a1artment an -u+ol1h is still s9uattin on the .loor b0 hisse.2 @e /as in the kitchen
an I a5e+ her real 9uiet i. -u+ol1h coul+ talk6 an she sa06 0es6 sooner or later2
3hat a.ternoon )enn0 took me to meet the other gu0s in the ban+ an she tell them I 1la0
the harmonica like heaven itse.6 an /h0 +on7t the0 let me set in /ith them at the club
tonight2 Cne o. the gu0s a5e me /hat I like to 1la0 best6 an I sa06 =4i5ie6= an he sa0 he
+on7t believe he has hear+ /hat I sa06 an )enn0 ;um1 in an sa06 =It +on7t matter6 he /ill
be .ine once he7s got a ear .or our stu..2=
So that night I be 1la0in /ith the ban+ an everbo+0 agree I am makin a goo+
contribution an it is ver0 en;o0able6 gettin to set there an /atch )enn0 sing an tho/
herse. all over the stage2
3hat ne5 *on+a0 I have +eci+e+ to go ahea+ an set in on 4octor 8uackenbush7s class6
=-ole o. the I+iot in @orl+ Literature2= 3he title alone is enough to make me .eel sort o.
im1ortant2
=3o+a06= 4octor 8uackenbush sa0s to the class6 =/e has a visitor /ho is gonna be
au+iting this course .rom time to time2 Please /elcome *ister (orrest ,um12= Everbo+0
turn an look at me an I give a little /ave6 an then the class begin2
=3he i+iot6= 4octor 8uackenbush sa06 =has 1la0e+ an im1ortant role in histor0 an
literature .or man0 0ears2 I su11ose 0ou has all hear+ o. the village i+iot6 /ho /as
usuall0 some retar+e+ in+ivi+ual livin in a village some1lace2 <e /as o.ten the ob;ect o.
scorn an mocker02 Later6 it become the custom o. nobilit0 to have in their 1resence a
court ;ester6 a sort o. 1erson that /oul+ +o things to amuse the ro0alt02 In man0
instances6 this in+ivi+ual /as actuall0 an i+iot or a moron6 in others6 he /as merel0 a
clo/n or ;okester2222=
<e go on like this .or a /ile6 an it begun to become a11arent to me that i+iots /as not
;us useless 1eo1le6 but /as 1ut here .or a 1ur1ose6 sort o. like 4an ha+ sai+6 an the
1ur1ose is to make 1eo1le laugh2 Dt least that is somethin2
=3he ob;ect o. having a .ool .or most /riters6= 4octor 8uackenbush sa06 =is to em1lo0
the +evice o. +ouble enten+re 6 1ermittin them to let the .ool make a .ool o. hisse.6 an at
the same time allo/ the rea+er the revelation o. the greater meaning o. the .oolishness2
Cccasionall06 a great /riter like Shakes1eare /oul+ let the .ool make an ass out o. one
o. his 1rinci1al characters6 thereb0 1rovi+ing a t/ist .or the rea+ers7 enlightenment2=
Dt this 1oint6 I am becomin some/hat con.use+2 But that is normal2 Dn0ho/6 *ister
8uackenbush sa0 that to +emonstrate /hat he has been talkin about6 /e is gonna +o a
scene .rom the 1la06 Bing Lear 6 /here there is a .ool an a ma+man in +isguise an the
king hisse. is craF02 <e tells this gu0 name+ Elmer <arrington III to 1la0 the 1art o. *a+
3om o7Be+lam6 an .or this girl calle+ Lucille to 1la0 3he (ool2 Dnother gu0 calle+
<orace somebo+0 /as to be craF0 ole Bing Lear2 Dn then he sa06 =(orrest6 /h0 +oesn7t
0ou 1la0 the role o. the Earl o. ,loucester>=
*ister 8uackenbush sa0 he /ill get a .e/ stage 1ro1s .rom the +rama +e1artment6 but
he /ant us to get u1 our o/n costumes6 ;ust so the thing /oul+ be more =realistic2= <o/
I got into this +eal6 I +o not kno/6 is /hat I am thinkin2
*eantime6 things is ha11enin /ith our ban+6 3he :racke+ Eggs2 D .eller .rom Ne/
Aa/k have .lo/n u1 an listene+ to us an sa0s he /ants to get us in a recor+in stu+io an
make a ta1e o. our music2 Dll the .ellers is e5cite+6 inclu+in )enn0 :urran6 an me6 o.
course2 3he .eller .rom Ne/ Aa/k6 *ister (eeblestein is his name2 <e sa0 i. everthing
go /ell6 /e coul+ be the hottest thing since the invention o. night baseball2 *ister
(eeblestein sa0 all /e got to +o is sign a 1iece o. 1a1er an then start gettin rich2
,eorge6 the gu0 /ho 1la0s ke0boar+ .or us6 has been teachin me a little bit o. ho/ to
1la0 it6 an *ose6 the +rummer6 is also lettin me beat on his +rums some2 It is kin+ o. .un6
learnin ho/ to 1la0 all them things6 an m0 harmonica too2 Ever +a0 I 1ractice some6 an
ever night the ban+ 1la0 at the <o+a++0 :lub2
3hen one a.ternoon I come home .rom class an there is )enn0 settin b0 herse. on the
couch2 I a5e+ her /here is -u+ol1h6 an she sa0 he has =s1lit2= I a5e+ /hat .or6 an she
sa06 =:ause he is a nogoo+ basti+ like all the rest6= an so I sa0s6 =@h0 +on7t /e go out an
get oursel.s some su11er an talk bout it>=
Naturall06 she +oes most o. the talkin6 an it is reall0 ;us a string o. gri1es bout men2 She
sa0 /e are =laF06 unres1onsible6 sel.ish6 lo/+o/n l0in shits2= She is goin on that /a0
.or a /ile an then she start to cr02 I sa0s6 =D/e6 )enn06 +on7t +o that2 It ain7t nothin2 3hat
ole -u+ol1h +i+n7t look like the kin+a .eller .or 0ou no ho/6 s9uattin on the .loor like
that an all2= Dn she sa06 =Aes6 (orrest6 1robl0 0ou is right2 I7+ like to go home no/2= Dn
so /e +o2
@hen /e get home6 )enn0 begun takin o.. her clothes2 She is +o/n to her un+er1ants6 an
I am ;us settin on the couch tr0in not to notice6 but she come u1 an stan+ in .ront o. me
an she sa06 =(orrest6 I /ant 0ou to .uck me no/2=
Aou coul+a knocke+ me over /ith a .eatherE I ;us set there an ga/ke+ u1 at her2 3hen
she set +o/n ne5 to me an starte+ .oolin /ith m0 britches6 an ne5 thing I kno/e+6 she7+
got o.. m0 shirt an /as huggin an kissin me an all2 Dt .irst6 it /as ;us a little o++6 her
+oin all that2 :ourse I ha+ +reame+ bout it all along6 but I ha+ not e51ecte+ it 9uite this
/a02 But then6 /ell I guess somethin come over me6 an it +i+n7t matter /hat I7+
e51ecte+6 cause /e /as rollin aroun on the couch an ha+ our clothes nearl0 o.. an then
)enn0 1ulle+ +o/n m0 un+ershorts an her e0es get big an she sa06 =@hooolookit /hat
0ou got thereE= an she gra11e+ me ;us like *iF (rench ha+ that +a06 but )enn0 never sa0
nothin about me kee1in m0 e0es close+6 so I +i+n7t2
@ell6 /e +one all sorts o. things that a.ternoon that I never even +reamt o. in m0 /il+est
imagination2 )enn0 sho/n me shit I never coul+ o. .iggere+ out on m0 o/nsi+e/ise6
cross/ise6 u1si+e +o/n6 bottom/ise6 length/ise6 +og/ise6 stan+in u16 settin +o/n6
ben+in over6 leanin back6 insi+eout an outsi+einonl0 /a0 /e +i+n7t tr0 it /as a1artE
@e rolle+ all over the livin room an into the kitchenstove in .urniture6 knocke+ shit
over6 1ulle+ +o/n +ra1es6 musse+ u1 the rug an even turne+ the tv set on b0 acci+ent2
@oun+ u1 +oin it in the sink6 but +on7t a5e me ho/2 @hen /e is .inall0 .inishe+6 )enn0
;us lie there a /ile6 an then she look at me an sa06 =,o++amn6 (orrest6 /here is 0ou been
all m0 li.e>=
=I been aroun6= I sa0s2
Naturall06 things are a bit +i..erent bet/een )enn0 an me a.ter that2 @e commence+ to
slee1 in the same be+ together6 /hich /as also kin+ o. strange .or me at .irst6 but I sure
got use+ to it2 @hen /e /as +oin our act at the <o+a++0 :lub6 ever so o.ten )enn0
/oul+ 1ass b0 me an muss u1 m0 hair6 or run her .ingers +o/n the back o. m0 neck2 Dll
o. a su++en things start to change .or melike m0 /hole li.e ;us begun6 an I am the
ha11iest .eller in the /orl+2
11
3he +a0 arrive+ /hen /e is to give our little 1la0 in Pro.essor 8uackenbush7s class at
<arvar+2 3he scene /e is to +o is /hen Bing Lear an his .ool go out onto the heath6
/hich is like a marsh or a .iel+ back home6 an a big storm +one blo/e+ u1 an everbo+0
run into a shack calle+ a =hovel2=
Insi+e the hovel there is a gu0 calle+ *a+ 3om o7Be+lam /ho is actuall0 a character
name o. E+gar +isguise+ u1 as a craF0 1erson on account o. being .ucke+ over b0 his
brother6 /ho is a basti+2 Dlso6 the king is gone totall0 nuts b0 this time6 an E+gar is
1la0in a nut too6 an the .ool6 o. course6 is actin like one2 *0 1art is to be the Earl o.
,loucester6 /ho is E+gar7s .ather6 an sort o. a straight man .or them other stooges2
Pro.essor 8uackenbush have rigge+ u1 a ole blanket or somethin to resemble a hovel an
he has got some kin+ o. /in+ machine to soun+ like a stormbig electric .an /ith
clothes1ins hol+in 1ieces o. 1a1er to the bla+es2 Dn0/a06 here come Elmer <arrington
III as Bing Lear6 +resse+ in a gunn0sack an /earin a colan+er on his hea+2 3he girl the0
got to 1la0 the .ool has .oun a .ool7s costume some1lace6 /ith a little ca1 that has bells
tie+ to it6 an them kin+s o. shoes that curl u1 in .ront like Drabs /ear2 3he gu0 1la0in
3om o7Be+lam has .oun hisse. a Beatle /ig an some clothes out o. the garbage an has
1ainte+ his .ace /ith +irt2 3he0 is takin it all ver0 seriousl02
I am 1robl0 the bestlookin o. the bunch6 tho6 cause )enn0 +one set +o/n an se/e+ me
u1 a costume out o. a sheet an a 1illo/ case that I am /earin like a +ia1er6 an she has
also ma+e me a ca1e out o. a tablecloth6 ;ust like Su1erman /ears2
Dn0/a06 Pro.essor 8uackenbush start u1 his /in+ machine an sa0 .or us to begin at
1age t/elve6 /here *a+ 3om is tellin us his sa+ stor02
=4o 1oor 3om some charit06 /hom the .oul .ien+ ve5es6= 3om sa02
Dn Bing Lear sa06 =@hat> <ave his +aughters brought him to this 1ass> :oul+st thou
save nothing> 4i+st thou give them all>=
Dn the .ool sa06 =Na06 he reserve+ a blanket6 else /e ha+ all been shame+2=
3his shit go on .or a /ile6 then the .ool sa06 =3his col+ night /ill turn us all to .ools an+
ma+men2=
In this6 the .ool is correct2
)ust bout this time6 I am s1ose+ to enter into the hovel carr0ing a torch6 /hich Pro.essor
8uackenbush have borro/e+ .rom the +rama +e1artment2 3he .ool call out6 =LookE <ere
come a /alking .ireE= an Pro.essor 8uackenbush light m0 torch an I go across the room
into the hovel2
=3his is the .oul .ien+ (libbertigibbet6= 3om o7Be+lam sa02
=@hat7s he>= the king a5es2
Dn I sa06 =@hat are 0ou there> Aour names>=
*a+ 3om sa0 he is ;us =Po 3om6 that eats the s/immin .ra/g6 the toa+6 the ta+1ole an+
the ne/t222= an a bunch o. other shit6 an then I s1ose+ to su++enl0 recogniFe the king6 an
sa0:
=@hatE <ath 0our grace no better com1an0>=
Dn *a+ 3om6 he ans/er6 =3he 1rince o. +arkness is a gentleman*o+o he7s call7+6 an+
*ahu2=
3he /in+ machine be blo/in har+ no/6 an I reckon Pro.essor 8uackenbush have not
consi+ere+ that I am si5 .eet si5 inches tall /hen he built the hovel6 cause the to1 o. m0
torch is bum1in against the ceiling2
*a+ 3om6 he is no/ s1ose+ to sa06 =Poor 3om7s acol+6= but instea+6 he sa06 =@atch that
torchE=
I look +o/n at m0 book to see /here that line come .rom6 an Elmer <arrington III sa0 to
me6 =Look out .or that torch6 0ou i+iotE= an I sa0 back to him6 =(or once in m0 li.e I am
not the i+iot0ou isE= Dn then all o. a su++en the roo. to the hovel catch on .ire an .all
on *a+ 3om7s Beatle /ig an set it on .ire too2
=3urn o.. the go++amn /in+ machineE= somebo+0 shout6 but it is too late2 Everthing
burning u1E
*a+ 3om is hollerin an 0ellin an Bing Lear take o.. his colan+er an ;am it on *a+ 3om7s
hea+ to 1ut the .ire out2 Peo1le is ;um1in aroun an choakin an coughin an cussin an the
girl 1la0in the .ool gets h0sterical an commence to shriek an cr06 =@e /ill all be kiltE=
(or a moment or t/o6 it actuall0 looks that /a02
I turn behin me6 an +amn i. m0 ca1e ain7t caught on .ire6 an so I tho/e+ o1en the /in+er
an gra11e+ the .ool aroun her /aist an out /e lea1e+2 It /as onl0 .rom the secont stor0
/in+er6 an the0 /as a bunch o. shrubs +o/n there that broke our .all6 but it /as also
lunchtime an hun+rits o. 1eo1le /as /an+erin aroun the Aar+2 3here /e /as6 all a.ire
an smol+erin2
Black smoke come 1ourin .rom u1 in the o1en /in+er o. the class an all o. a su++en
there is Pro.essor 8uackenbush6 leanin out an lookin aroun6 shakin his .ist6 .ace all
covere+ u1 /ith soot2
=,um16 0ou .uckin i+iot0ou stu1i+ assholeE Aou /ill 1a0 .or thisE= he shoutin2
3he .ool is grovelin aroun on the groun an ba/lin an /ringing her hans but she is oka0
;ust singe+ u1 a bitso I ;ust took o..boun+e+ across the Aar+ .ast as I coul+ run6 ca1e
still on .ire6 smoke trailin behin me2 I +i+n7t sto1 till I got home6 an /hen I get into the
a1artment6 )enn0 sa06 =Ch6 (orrest6 ho/ /as it> I bet 0ou /as /on+er.ulE= 3hen she get
a 1eculiar look on her .ace2 =Sa06 +o 0ou smell somethin burnin>= she a5es2
=It is a long stor06= I sa02
Dn0ho/6 a.ter that I +i+ not atten+ the =-ole o. the I+iot in @orl+ Literature= no more6
as I have seen 9uite enough2 But ever night I an )enn0 are 1la0in /ith 3he :racke+ Eggs
an all +a0 long /e is makin love an takin /alks an havin 1icnics on the banks o. the
:harles -iver an it is heaven2 )enn0 has /ritten a nice ten+er song calle+ =4o It to *e
<ar+ an (ast6= in /hich I get to take bout a .iveminute ri+e on m0 harmonica2 It /ere a
s1len+i+ s1ring an summer6 an /e /ent +o/n to Ne/ Aa/k an ma+e the ta1es .or
*ister (eeblestein an a .e/ /eeks later he call u1 to sa0 /e is gonna have a recor+
album2 Not too long a.ter that6 everbo+0 be callin us u1 to 1la0 in their to/ns an /e took
the mone0 /e got .rom *ister (eeblestein an bought us a big bus /ith be+s an shit in it
an go on the roa+2
No/ there is somethin else +urin that 1erio+ that 1la0e+ a great role in m0 li.e2 Cne
night a.ter /e is .inishe+ the .irst set at the <o+a++0 :lub6 *ose6 the +rummer .or 3he
:racke+ Eggs6 take me asi+e an sa06 =(orrest6 0ou is a nice cleancut .eller an all6 but
the0 is somethin I /ant 0ou to tr0 that I think /ill make 0ou 1la0 that harmonica better2=
I a5e /hat it is6 an *ose sa06 =<ere6= an he give me a little cigarette2 I tell him I +on7t
smoke6 but thanks6 an *ose sa06 =It is not a regular cigarette6 (orrest2 It have got
somethin in it to e51an+ 0our horiFons2=
I tole *ose I ain7t sure I nee+ m0 horiFons e51an+e+6 but he sort o. insiste+2 =Dt least tr0
it6= he sa06 an I thought .or a minute6 an conclu+e that one cigarette ain7t gonna hurt
none6 an so I +o2
@ell let me sa0 this: m0 horiFons in+ee+ become e51an+e+2
Everthing seem to slo/ +o/n an get ros0 keen2 3hat secont set /e 1la0e+ that night /as
the best o. m0 li.e6 I seeme+ to hear all the notes a hun+rit times as I /as 1la0in them6 an
*ose come u1 to me later an sa06 =(orrest6 0ou think that7s goo+use it /hen 0ou7re
scre/in2=
I +i+6 an he /as right bout that too2 I use+ some o. m0 mone0 to bu0 me some o. that
stu..6 an be.ore 0ou kno/ it6 I /as +oin it +a0 in an +a0 out2 3he onl0 1roblem /as6 it
kin+ o. ma+e me stu1i+er a.ter a /ile2 I ;ust get u1 in the mornin an light u1 one o. them
;oints6 /hich is /hat the0 calle+ them6 an lie there all +a0 till it /as time to go an 1la02
)enn0 +i+n7t sa0 nothin .or a /ile6 cause she been kno/n to take a 1u.. or t/o herse.6 but
then one +a0 she sa0 to me6 =(orrest6 +on7t 0ou think 0ou been +oin too much o. that
shit>=
=I +unno6= I sa0s6 =ho/ much is too much>=
Dn )enn0 sa06 =Ds much as 0ou are +oin is too much2=
But I +i+n7t /ant to sto12 Someho/6 it got ri+ o. everthing I might be /orrie+ bout6 tho
there /a+n7t too much o. that at that time an0/a02 Dt night I7+ go out bet/een sets at the
<o+a++0 :lub an set in the little alle0 an look u1 at the stars2 I. the0 /eren7t an0 stars6
I7+ look u1 an0/a06 an one night )enn0 come out an .in+ me lookin u1 at the rain2
=(orrest6 0ou has got to 9uit this6= she sa02 =I am /orrie+ bout 0ou6 cause 0ou ain7t +oin
nothin ce1t 1la0in an l0in aroun all +a02 It ain7t health02 I think 0ou nee+ to get a/a0 .or
a /ile2 @e ain7t got no concerts booke+ a.ter tomorro/ +o/n in Provinceto/n6 so I think
ma0be /e ought to go some1lace an take a vacation2 ,o u1 to the mountains ma0be2=
I ;us no+ m0 hea+2 I ain7t even sure I hear+ all she sai+2
@ell6 the ne5 night in Provinceto/n6 I .in+ the backstage e5it an go on outsi+e to lite u1
a ;oint2 I am settin there b0 m0se.6 min+in m0 business6 /hen these t/o girls come u12
Cne o. them sa06 =<e06 ain7t 0ou the harmonica 1la0er /ith 3he :racke+ Eggs>=
I no+ 0es6 an she ;us 1lo1 herse. +o/n in m0 la12 3he other girl is grinnin an s9uealin an
su++enl0 she take o.. her blouse2 Dn the other girl is tr0in to unFi1 m0 1ants an have her
skirt 1ulle+ u1 an I am ;us settin there blo/e+ a/a02 Su++enl0 the stage +oor o1en an
)enn0 call out6 =(orrest6 it is time to222= an she sto1 .or a secont an then she sa06 =D/e
shit6= an slam the +oor2
I ;um1e+ u1 then6 an the girl in m0 la1 .elle+ on the groun an the other one is cussin an
all6 but I /ent insi+e an there is )enn0 leane+ u1 against the /all cr0in2 I /ent u1 to her
but she sa06 =Bee1 a/a0 .rom me6 0ou shithea+E Aou men is all alike6 ;us like +ogs or
somethin0ou got no res1ect .or an0bo+0E=
I ain7t never .elt so ba+2 I +on7t remember much bout that last set /e 1la0e+2 )enn0 /ent
u1 to the .ront o. the bus on the tri1 back an /oul+n7t s1eak to me none at all2 3hat night
she sle1 on the so.a an the ne5 mornin she sa0 ma0be it is time .or me to .in+ m0 o/n
1lace2 Dn so I 1acke+ u1 m0 shit an le.t2 *0 hea+ hangin ver0 lo/2 :oul+n7t e51lain it to
her or nothin2 3ho/e+ out again2
)enn06 she took o.. some1lace a.ter that2 I a5e+ aroun6 but nobo+0 kno/e+ /here she
/as2 *ose sa0 I can bunk /ith him till I .in+ a 1lace6 but it is a terrible lonel0 time2
Since /e ain7t 1la0in none .or the moment6 there ain7t nothin much to +o6 an I be thinkin
ma0be it7s time I go on back home an see m0 mama an ma0be start u1 that little srim1
bi+ness +o/n /here 1o ole Bubba use+ to live2 Perha1s I is not cut out to be a rock an
roll star2 Perha1s6 I think6 I ain7t nothin but a bumblin i+iot an0ho/2
But then one +a0 *ose come back an he sa0 he /as over to a saloon on the corner
/atchin the tv ne/s6 an /ho shoul+ he see but )enn0 :urran2
She is +o/n in @ashington6 he sa06 marchin in a big +emonstration against the Hietnam
@ar6 an *ose sa0 he /on+erin /h0 she botherin /ith that shit /hen she ought to be u1
here makin us mone02
I sa0 I has got to go see her6 an *ose sa06 =@ell6 see i. 0ou can bring her back2= <e sa0
he kno/s /here she 1robl0 is sta0in6 on account o. the0 is this grou1 .rom Boston that
has taken an a1artment in @ashington to +emonstrate against the /ar2
I 1acke+ u1 all m0 shiteverthin I o/nan thanke+ *ose an then I am on m0 /a02
@hether I come back or not6 I +o not kno/2
@hen I get +o/n to @ashington6 everthin is a mess2 3he0 is 1olice ever/here an 1eo1le
be shoutin in the streets an tho/in things like in a riot2 Police be bongin .olks on the
hea+ /hat tho/ things6 an the situation look like it be gettin out o. han2
I .in+ the a++ress o. the 1lace )enn0 might be at6 an go over there6 but ain7t nobo+0
home2 I /aite+ on the ste1s .or most o. the +a06 then6 bout nine o7clock at night6 a car
1ull u1 an some .olks get out an there she isE
I get u1 .rom the ste1s an /alk to/ar+s her6 but she turn a/a0 .rom me an run back to
the car2 3hem other 1eo1le6 t/o gu0s an a girl6 the0 +i+n7t kno/ /hat to +o6 or /ho I
/as6 but then one o. them sa06 =Look6 I /oul+n7t .ool /ith her right no/she is a/.ul
u1set2= I a5e+ /h06 an the .eller take me asi+e an tell me this:
)enn0 has +one ;us got out o. ;ail2 She have been arreste+ the +a0 be.ore6 an s1ent the
night in the /omen7s ;ail6 an this mornin6 .ore an0bo+0 coul+ get her out6 the 1eo1le at
the ;ail +one sai+ she might have lice or somethin in her hair cause it so long an all6 an
the0 ha+ all her hair shave+ o..2 )enn0 is bal+2
@ell6 I reckon she +on7t /ant me to see her this /a06 cause she has +one got into the
back seat o. the car an is l0in +o/n2 So I cra/le+ u1 on m0 hans an knees so I coul+n7t
see in the /in+er6 an I sa06 =)enn0it7s me6 (orrest2=
She +on7t sa0 nothing6 so I start tellin her ho/ sorr0 I am bout /hat7s ha11ene+2 I tell her
I ain7t gonna smoke no more +o1e6 nor 1la0 in the ban+ no more on account o. all the
ba+ tem1tations2 Dn I sa0 I7m sorr0 bout her hair2 3hen I cra/le+ back to the ste1s /here
m0 shit is6 an looke+ in m0 +u..elbag an .in+ a ole /atch ca1 .rom the Drm0 an cra/le+
back to the car an stuck it on a stick an 1olke+ it thru the /in+er2 She took it6 an 1ut it
on6 an come out o. the car6 an sa06 =D/e get u1 o.. the groun 0ou big BoFo6 an come into
the house2=
@e set an talke+ .or a /ile6 an them other 1eo1le been smokin +o1e an +rinkin beer6 but
I ain7t havin none2 3he0 is all +iscussin /hat the0 is gonna +o tomorro/6 /hich is that
the0 is a big +emonstration at the ?2S2 :a1itol at /hich a bunch o. Hietnam veterans is
gonna take o.. the0 me+als an tho/ them on the ste1s o. the :a1itol2
Dn )enn0 su++enl0 sa06 =4o 0ou kno/ (orrest here +one /on the :ongressional *e+al
o. <onor>= Dn everbo+0 get com1letel0 9uiet an be lookin at me6 an then at each other6
an one o. them sa06 =)esus :hrist have ;ust sent us a 1resentE=
@ell6 the ne5t mornin6 )enn0 come into the livin room /here I is slee1in on the so.a an
sa06 =(orrest6 I /ant 0ou to go /ith us to+a06 an I /ant 0ou to /ear 0our Drm0 uni.orm2=
@hen I a5e+ /h06 she sa06 =Because 0ou is gonna +o somethin to sto1 all the su..erin
over in Hietnam2= Dn so I get into m0 uni.orm6 an )enn0 come back a.ter a /ile /ith a
bunch o. chains she has bought at the har+/are store6 an sa06 =(orrest6 /ra1 these aroun
0ou2=
I a5e+ /h0 again6 but she sa06 =)ust +o it6 0ou /ill .in+ out later2 Aou /ant to make me
ha1106 +oesn7t 0ou>=
Dn so o.. /e /ent6 me in m0 uni.orm an the chains an )enn0 an the other .olks2 It is a
bright clear +a0 an /hen /e get to the :a1itol the0 is a mob there /ith tv cameras an all
the 1olice in the /orl+2 Everbo+0 be chantin an hollerin an givin the .inger to the 1olice2
D.ter a /ile6 I seen some other gu0s in Drm0 uni.orms an the0 /as bunche+ together an
then6 one b0 one6 the0 commence+ to /alk as close as the0 can get to the ste1s o. the
:a1itol an the0 took o.. the0 me+als an tho/e+ them2 Some o. the .ellers /as in
/heelchairs an some /as lame an some /as missing arms an legs2 Some o. them ;us
tosse+ the0 me+al on to the ste1s6 but others reall0 tho/e+ them har+2 Somebo+0 ta1 me
on the shoul+er an sa0 it is m0 turn no/2 I look back at )enn0 an she no+6 so I go on u1
there m0se.2
It get sort o. 9uiet6 then somebo+0 on a bullhorn announce m0 name6 an sa0 I is gonna
tho/ a/a0 the :ongressional *e+al o. <onor as a token o. m0 su11ort .or en+in the
Hietnam @ar2 Everbo+0 cheer an cla16 an I can see the other me+als l0in there on the
ste1s2 <igh above all this6 u1 on the 1orch o. the :a1itol6 is a little bunch o. 1eo1le
stan+in aroun6 cou1le o. co1s an some gu0s in suits2 @ell6 I .igger I gotta +o the best I
can6 so I take o.. the me+al an look at it .or a secon6 an I be rememberin Bubba an all6 an
4an6 an I +unno6 somethin come over me6 but I got to tho/ it6 so I rare back an heave
that me+al har+ as I can2 :ou1le o. seconts later6 one o. the gu0s on the 1orch that is
/earin a suit6 he ;us keel over2 ?n.ortunatel06 I +one tho/e+ the me+al too .ar an
knocke+ him in the hea+ /ith it2
Dll hell break loose then2 Police be chargin into the cro/+ an 1eo1le be shoutin all sorts
o. things an tear gas bust o1en an su++enl0 .ive or si5 1olice 1ounce+ on me an
commence knockin me /ith the0 bill0 sticks2 D bunch more 1olice come runnin u1 an
ne5 thing 0ou kno/6 I am han+cu..e+ an tho/e+ in a 1olice /agon an haule+ o.. to ;ail2
I am in ;ail all night long6 an in the mornin the0 come an take me in .ront o. the ;u+ge2 I
has been there be.ore2
Somebo+0 tell the ;u+ge that I is accuse+ o. =assault /ith a +angerous /ea1ona me+al
an resistin arrest6= an so on an han him a sheet o. 1a1er2 =*ister ,um16= the ;u+ge sa06
=+o 0ou realiFe that 0ou have conke+ the :lerk o. the ?2S2 Senate on the hea+ /ith 0our
me+al>=
I ain7t sa0in nothin6 but it look like I am in serious trouble this time2
=*ister ,um16= the ;u+ge sa06 =I +o not kno/ /hat a man o. 0our stature6 a man /hat
has serve+ his countr0 so /ell6 is +oin mi5e+ u1 /ith a bunch o. tuit0.ruities that is
tho/in a/a0 their me+als6 but I /ill tell 0ou /hat6 I is gonna or+er 0ou committe+ .or
1s0chiatric observation .or thirt0 +a0s to see i. the0 can .igger out /h0 0ou has +one
such a i+iotic thing2=
3he0 took me back to m0 cell a.ter that6 an a /ile later loa+ me on a bus an truck me o..
to St2 EliFabeth7s mental hos1ital2
(inall06 I am =Put D/a02=
1%
3his 1lace is a serious loon0 bin2 3he0 1ut me in a room /ith a .eller calle+ (re+ that
has been here .or almost a 0ear2 <e begun to tell me right o.. /hat kin+ o. nuts I got to
conten+ /ith2 3he0 is one gu0 that 1oisone+ si5 1eo1le6 somebo+0 else that use+ a meat
cleaver on his mama2 3he0 is 1eo1le /ho have +one all sorts o. shit.rom mur+er an
ra1e to sa0in the0 is the Bing o. S1ain or Na1oleon2 (inall0 I a5e+ (re+ /h0 he is in
here an he sa0 because he is a a5e mur+erer6 but the0 is lettin him out in another /eek or
so2
3he secont +a0 I am there6 I is tole to re1ort to the o..ice o. m0 1s0chiatrist6 4octor
@alton2 4octor @alton6 it turn out6 is a /oman2 (irst6 she sa06 she is gonna give me a
little test6 then I is gonna have a 1h0sical e5amination2 She set me +o/n at a table an
start sho/in me car+s /ith ink blots on them6 a5in me /hat I thought the0 /ere2 I ke1
sa0in =ink blot= till she .inall0 get ma+ an tell me I got to sa0 somethin else6 an so I
starte+ makin things u12 3hen I am han+e+ a long test an tole to take it2 @hen I am +one6
she sa06 =3ake o.. 0our clothes2=
@ell6 /ith one or t/o e5ce1tions6 ever time I take o.. m0 clothes6 somethin ba+ ha11en
to me6 so I sa0s I /oul+ rather not6 an she make a note o. this an then tell me either I +o
it m0se.6 or she /ill get the atten+ants to he1 me2 It /as that kin+ o. +eal2
I go on an +o it6 an /hen I is butt necki+6 she come into the room an look at me6 u1 an
+o/n6 an sa06 =*06 m00ou is a .ine s1ecimen o. a manE=
Dn0ho/6 she start bongin me on the knee /ith a little rubber hammer like the0 +one
back at the ?niversit06 an 1olkin me in all sorts o. 1laces2 But she ain7t never sai+ .or me
to =ben+ over6= an .or this I am grate.ul2 D.ter/ar+6 she sa0 I can get +resse+ an go back
to m0 room2 Cn the /a0 there6 I 1ast b0 a room /ith a glass +oor an insi+e it the0 is a
bunch o. little gu0s6 settin an l0in aroun6 +roolin an s1asmoin an beatin on the .loor /ith
the0 .ists2 I ;us stoo+ there .or a /ile6 lookin in6 an I7m .eelin real sorr0 .or themkin+a
remin+ me o. m0 +a0s back at the nut school2
D cou1le o. +a0s later6 I am tole to re1ort to 4octor @alton7s o..ice again2 @hen I get
there6 she is /ith t/o other gu0s +resse+ u1 as +octors6 an she sa0 the0 is 4octor 4uke
an+ 4octor Earlboth /ith the National Institute o. *ental <ealth2 Dn the0 is ver0
intereste+ in m0 case6 she sa02
4octor 4uke an 4octor Earl set me +o/n an start a5in me 9uestionsall kin+s o.
9uestionsan both o. them took turns bongin me on the knees /ith the hammer2 3hen
4octor 4uke sa06 =Look here6 (orrest6 /e has got 0our test scores6 an it is remarkable
ho/ /ell 0ou is +one on the math 1art2 So /e /oul+ like to give 0ou some other tests2=
3he0 1ro+uce the tests6 an make me take them6 an the0 is a lot more com1licate+ than
the .irst one6 but I .igger I +one oka02 <a+ I kno/e+ /hat /as gonna ha11en ne56 I
/oul+ o. .ucke+ them u12
=(orrest6= 4octor Earl sa06 =this is 1henomenal2 Aou is got a brain ;us like a com1uter2 I
+o not kno/ ho/ /ell 0ou can reason /ith it/hich is 1robl0 /h0 0ou is in here in the
.irst 1lacebut I have never seen an0thing 9uite like this be.ore2=
=Aou kno/6 ,eorge6= 4octor 4uke sa06 =this man is trul0 remarkable2 I have +one some
/ork .or NDSD a /ile back6 an I think /e ought to sen+ him +o/n to <ouston to the
Deronautics an+ S1ace :enter an have them check him out2 3he0 has been lookin .or
;ust this sort o. .eller2=
Dll the +octors be starin at me6 an no++in the0 hea+s6 an then the0 bonge+ me on the
knees /ith a hammer one more time an it look like here I go again2
3he0 .lo/n me +o/n to <ouston6 3e5as6 in a big ole 1lane /ith nobo+0 on it but me an
4octor 4uke6 but it is a 1leasant sort o. tri1 ce1t the0 got me chaine+ to m0 seat han an
.oot2
=Look here6 (orrest6= 4octor 4uke sa06 =the +eal is this2 -ight no/ 0ou is in a shit1ot o.
trouble .or tho/in that me+al at the :lerk o. the ?2S2 Senate2 Aou can go to ;ail .or ten
0ears .or that2 But i. 0ou coo1erates /ith these 1eo1le at NDSD6 I /ill 1ersonall0 see to
it that 0ou is release+oka0>=
I no+ m0 hea+2 I kno/e+ I got to get outta ;ail an .in+ )enn0 again2 I am missin her
somethin terrible2
I am at the NDSD 1lace at <ouston .or about a month2 3he0 has e5amine+ me an teste+
me an 9uestione+ me so much I .eel like I am goin on the )ohnn0 :arson sho/2
I ain7t2
Cne +a0 the0 haul me into a big room an tell me /hat the0 has in min+2
=,um16= the0 sa06 =/e /ants to use 0ou on a .light to outer s1ace2 Ds 4octor 4uke has
1ointe+ out6 0our min+ is ;us like a com1uteronl0 better2 I. /e can 1rogram it /ith the
right stu..6 0ou /ill be e5tremel0 use.ul to Dmerica7s s1ace 1rogram2 @hat +o 0ou sa0>=
I thought .or a minute6 an then I sa0s I ha+ better a5e m0 mama .irst6 but the0 make an
even stronger argumentlike s1en+in the ne5t ten 0ears o. m0 li.e in the slammer2
Dn so I sa0s 0es6 /hich is usuall0 /hat gets me in trouble ever time2
3he i+ea the0 has thought u1 is to 1ut me in a s1aceshi1 an shoot me u1 aroun the earth
bout a million miles2 3he0 has alrea+0 shot 1eo1le u1 to the moon6 but the0 +i+n7t .in+
nothin there /orth a shit6 so /hat the0 is 1lannin ne5 is a visit to *ars2 (ortunatel0 .or
me6 *ars is not /hat the0 got in min+ at the momentinstea+6 this is to be a sort o.
trainin mission in /hich the0 gonna tr0 to .igger out /hat kin+ o. .olks /oul+ be suite+
best .or the *ars tri12
Besi+es me6 the0 has 1icke+ a /oman an a a1e to go along2
3he /oman is a crabb0lookin la+0 calle+ *a;or )anet (ritch6 /ho is s1ose+ to be
Dmerica7s .irst /oman astronaut6 onl0 nobo+0 kno/s bout her cause all this be 1rett0
to1 secret2 She is a sort o. short la+0 /ith hair look like it been cut b0 1uttin a bo/l over
her hea+6 an she +on7t seem to have much use .or either me or the a1e2
3he a1e ain7t so ba+6 actuall02 It is a big ole .emale orangutang calle+ Sue6 /hat has been
ca1ture+ in the ;ungles o. Sumatra or some1lace2 Dctuall0 the0 has got a /hole bunch o.
them a1es +o/n here6 an have been shootin them u1 into s1ace .or a long /ile6 but the0
sa0s Sue /ill be best on this tri1 on account o. she is a .emale an /ill be .rien+lier than a
male a1e6 an also6 this /ill be her thir+ s1ace .light2 @hen I .in+ this out6 I am /on+erin
ho/ come the0 gonna sen+ us /a0 u1 there /ith the onl0 e51erience+ cre/ member
bein a a1e2 Bin+ o. makes 0ou think6 +on7t it>
Dn0ho/6 /e got to go thru all kin+s o. trainin be.ore the .light2 3he0 1uttin us in
c0clotrons an s1innin us aroun6 an in little rooms /ith no gravit0 an such as that2 Dn all
+a0 long the0 be crammin m0 min+ /ith shit the0 /ant me to remember6 such as
e9uations to .igger the +istance bet/een /herever /e is6 an /herever the0 /ant us to
go6 an ho/ to get back againG all kin+s o. cra1 like coa5iel coor+inates6 co sine
com1utations6 s1herio+ trigonometr06 Boolean algebra6 antilogarithms6 (ourier anal0sis6
9ua+rats an matri5 math2 3he0 sa0 I is to be the =backu1= .or the backu1 com1uter2
I have /rit a bunch o. letters to )enn0 :urran but all o. them +one come back
=D++ressee not Bno/n2= Dlso I +one /rote to m0 mama6 an she sen+ me back a long
letter the gist o. /hich is =<o/ can 0ou +o this to 0our 1o ole mama /hen she is in the
1o house an 0ou is all she got le. in the /orl+>=
I +are+ not tell her that I am .acin a ;ail sentence i. I +on7t6 so I ;us /rite her back an sa0
not to /orr06 on account o. /e has an e51erience+ cre/2
@ell6 the big +a0 .inall0 come6 an let me sa0 this: I am not ;us a little bit nervousI am
scant ha. to +eathE Even tho it /as to1 secret6 the stor0 +one leake+ to the 1ress an+ no/
/e gonna be on tv an all2
3hat mornin6 somebo+0 brung us the ne/s1a1ers to sho/ us ho/ .amous /e /as2 <ere
is some o. the hea+lines:
=@oman6 D1e an+ I+iot in Ne5t ?2S2 S1ace E..ort2=
=Dmerica Launching C++ *essengers 3o/ar+ Dlien Planets2=
=,irl6 ,oon6 an+ ,orilla to Li.t C.. 3o+a02=
3here /as even one in the Ne/ Aa/k Post that sa06 =?1 3he0 ,oBut @ho7s in
:harge>=
3he onl0 one that soun+e+ hal./a0 nice /as the hea+line in the Ne/ Aa/k 3imes 6
/hich sa06 =Ne/ S1ace Probe <as Harie+ :re/2=
@ell6 as usual6 everthing is all con.usion .rom the minute /e get u12 @e go to get our
break.ast an somebo+0 sa06 =3he0 ain7t s1ose+ to eat no break.ast the +a0 o. the .light2=
3hen somebo+0 else sa06 =Aes /e is6= an then somebo+0 else sa06 =No the0 ain7t6= an it
go on like that .or a /ile till ain7t nobo+0 hungr0 an0more2
3he0 get us into our s1ace suits an take us out there to the launchin 1a+ in a little bus
/ith ole Sue ri+in in back in a cage2 3he s1aceshi1 is about a hun+rit stories tall an is all
.oamin an hissin an steamin an look like it bout to eat us aliveE D elevator take us to the
ca1sule /e is to be in6 an the0 stra1 us in an loa+ ole Sue in her 1lace in back2 3hen /e
/ait2
Dn /e /ait some more2
Dn /e /ait some more2
Dn /e /ait some more2
Dll along6 the s1aceshi1 be boilin an hissin an gro/lin an steamin2 Somebo+0 sa0 a
hun+rit million 1eo1le out there /atchin us on television2 I reckon the0 be /aitin too2
Dn0ho/6 bout noon6 somebo+0 come u1 an knock on the s1aceshi1 +oor an sa06 /e is
tem1oraril0 cancelin this mission till the0 get the s1aceshi1 .i5e+2
So /e all get to go back +o/n in the elevator again6 me6 Sue6 an *a;or (ritch2 She be
the onl0 one moanin an bitchin6 cause Sue an me is ver0 relieve+2
Cur relie. /as not to last long6 ho/ever2 Bout a hour later somebo+0 run into the room
/here /e is ;us about to set +o/n to lunch an sa06 =,et in 0our s1ace suits again right
no/E 3he0 is .i5in to shoot 0ou u1 in s1aceE=
Everbo+0 be hollerin an shoutin again an rushin aroun2 I reckon ma0be a bunch o. the tv
vie/ers have calle+ in to com1lain or somethin6 an so the0 +eci+e+ to lite that .ire un+er
our asses no matter /hat2 @hatever it is6 it +on7t matter no/2
Dn0ho/6 /e is 1ut back on the bus an taken to the s1aceshi1 an /e is hal./a0 u1 the
elevator /hen somebo+0 su++enl0 sa06 =)esus6 /e .orgot the go++amn a1eE= an he start
hollerin +o/n to the .ellers on the groun to go back an get ole Sue2
@e is stra11e+ in again an somebo+0 is countin back/ar+s .rom one hun+rit /hen the0
come thru the +oor /ith Sue2 @e is all leane+ back in our seats an the count is +o/n to
about =ten6= /hen I be hearin some strange gro/lin noises .rom behin us /here Sue is2 I
sort o. turne+ aroun6 an lo/ an behole6 it ain7t Sue settin there at all6 it is a big ole male
a1e6 /hat got his teeth bare+ an is gra11in holt o. his seatbelt stra1s like he is about to
bust loose an0 secontE
I tell *a;or (ritch an she look aroun an sa06 =Ch m0 ,o+E= an get on the ra+io to
/hoever it is in the groun control to/er2 =Listen6= she sa06 =0ou has ma+e a mistake an
1ut one o. them male a1es in here /ith us6 so /e better call this thing o.. till it is
straightene+ out2= But all o. a su++en the s1aceshi1 start to rumblin an 9uakin an the gu0
in the control to/er sa0s over the ra+io6 =3hat7s 0our 1roblem no/6 sister6 /e got a
sche+ule to meet2=
Dn a/a0 /e go2
1&
*0 .irst im1ression is o. bein s9uashe+ un+er somethin6 such as m0 +a++0 /as /hen
them bananas .ell on him2 :an7t move6 can7t 0ell6 can7t sa0 nothin6 can7t +o nothin/e is
strictl0 here .or the ri+e2 Cutsi+e6 lookin thru the /in+er6 all I can see is blue sk02 3he
s1aceshi1 is movin out2
D.ter a little /ile6 /e seem to slo/ +o/n some6 an things ease u12 *a;or (ritch sa0 /e
can unbuckle our seatbelts no/6 an get on bout our bi+ness6 /hatever it is2 She sa0 /e is
no/ travelin at a s1ee+ o. .i.teen thousan miles a hour2 I look back an sure enough6 the
earth is onl0 a little ball behin us6 ;ust like it look in all them 1ichers .rom outer s1ace2 I
look aroun6 an there7s the big ole a1e6 all sourlookin6 an glum6 glarin at *a;or (ritch an
me2 She sa0 ma0be he /ant his lunch or somethin6 an .or me to go on back there an give
him a banana a.ore he gets angr0 an +oes somethin ba+2
3he0 has 1acke+ a little bag o. .oo+ .or the a1e an it contain bananas an some cereals an
+rie+ berries an leaves an shit like that2 I get it o1en an start rummagin thru it lookin .or
somethin that /ill make the a1e ha1106 an meantime6 *a;or (ritch is on the ra+io /ith
<ouston ,roun :ontrol2
=No/ listen here6= she sa06 =/e has got to +o somethin bout this a1e2 It ain7t Sueit is a
male a1e6 an he +on7t look none to gla+ to be here2 <e might even be violent2=
It took a /ile .or the message to get there an a re1l0 to get back to us6 but some .eller
+o/n there sa06 =D/e 1oohE Cne a1e is ;us like an0 other2=
=3he hell it is6= *a;or (ritch sa02 =I. 0ou /as in this little bitt0 com1artment /ith that
big ole thing 0ou /oul+ be singing a +i..erent tune2=
Dn a.ter a minute or t/o a voice come cracklin over the ra+io6 sa06 =Look6 0ou is
or+ere+ not to tell an0bo+0 about this6 or /e /ill all be ma+e laughingstocks2 Ds .ar as
0ou or an0bo+0 else is concerne+6 that a1e is Sueno matter /hat it7s got bet/een its
legs2=
*a;or (ritch look at me an shake her hea+2 =D0e6 a0e6 sir6= she sa06 =but I7m gonna kee1
that .ucker stra11e+ in as long as I7m in here /ith him0ou un+erstan+ that>=
Dn .rom the groun+ control there come back one /or+:
=-oger2=
Dctuall06 a.ter 0ou get use+ to it6 bein in outer s1ace is kin+ o. .un2 @e is /ithout
gravit06 an so can .loat all over the s1aceshi16 an the scener0 is remarkablemoon an sun6
earth an stars2 I /on+er /here )enn0 :urran is +o/n there6 an /hat she is +oin2
Droun an aroun the earth /e go2 4a0 an night go b0 ever hour or so an it sort o. 1ut a
+i..erent 1ers1ective on things2 I mean6 here I am +oin this6 an /hen I get backor shoul+
I sa0 i. I get back/hat then> ,o an start u1 m0 little srim1gro/in bi+ness> ,o .in+
)enn0 again> Pla0 in 3he :racke+ Eggs> 4o somethin about m0 mama bein in the 1o
house> It is all ver0 strange2
*a;or (ritch be catchin a /ink or t/o o. slee1 /henever she can6 but /hen she ain7t
slee1in6 she is bitchin2 :rabbin bout the a1e6 crabbin bout /hat kin+ o. ;acko..s the0 is
+o/n at groun control6 crabbin bout she got no 1lace to 1ut on her makeu16 crabbin bout
me eatin .oo+ /hen it ain7t su11er or lunchtime2 <ell6 all /e got to eat is ,ranola bars
an0/a02 I +on7t /ant to be com1lainin too much6 but it seem like the0 might o. 1icke+ a
goo+lookin /oman or at least one that +on7t bitch all the time2
Dn .urthermore6 let me sa0 this: that a1e ain7t no +reamboat either2
(irst I give it a bananaoka0> It gra11e+ the banana an starte+ 1eelin it6 but then it 1ut
the banana +o/n2 Banana starte+ .loatin all aroun the cabin o. the s1aceshi1 an I got to
go .in+ it2 I give it back to the a1e an he start mushin it u1 an .lingin the mush ever1lace6
an I got to go clean that u12 @ants attention all the time too2 Evertime 0ou leave it alone
it commences to 1ut u1 an enormous racket an clack its ;a/s together like a set o. them
/in+u1 teeth2 4rive 0ou nuts a.ter a /ile2
(inall0 I got out m0 harmonica an starte+ 1la0in a little somethin=<ome on the -ange6=
I think it /as2 Dn the a1e starte+ to calm +o/n a little2 So I 1la0e+ some morestu.. like
=3he Aello/ -ose o. 3e5as= an =I 4ream o. )eannie /ith the Light Bro/n <air2= D1e is
l0in there lookin at me6 1eace.ul as a bab02 I .orget there is a tv camera in the s1aceshi1
an the0 is 1ickin all this u1 +o/n there at groun control2 Ne5 mornin /hen I /ake u1
somebo+0 hole u1 a ne/s1a1er in .ront o. the camera +o/n in <ouston .or us to see2
3he hea+line sa06 =I+iot Pla0s S1ace *usic to Soothe D1e2= 3hat is the sort o. shit I has
got to conten+ /ith2
Dn0ho/6 things are goin along 1rett0 goo+6 but I been noticin that ole Sue is lookin at
*a;or (ritch in a kin+ o. strange /a02 Ever time she get near him6 Sue sort o. 1erk u1 an
be reachin out like he /ants to gra1 her or somethin6 an she start bitchin at him=,it
a/a0 .rom me 0ou a/.ul thing2 Bee1 0our hans to 0ourse.E= But ole Sue has got
somethin in min+2 3hat much I can tell2
It ain7t long be.ore I .in+ out /hat it is2 I have gone behin this little 1artition to take a 1ee
in a ;ar in 1rivate6 /hen all o. a su++en I hear this commotion2 I stick m0 hea+ aroun the
1artition an Sue has manage+ to gra1 a holt o. *a;or (ritch an he has got his han +o/n
in her s1ace suit2 She is 0ellin an hollerin to beat the ban+ an is crackin Sue over the
hea+ /ith the ra+io micro1hone2
3hen it +a/ns on me /hat the 1roblem is2 @ile /e has been u1 in s1ace .or nearl0 t/o
+a0s6 ole Sue been stra11e+ into his seat an ain7t ha+ a chance to take a leak or nothinE
Dn I sure remember /hat that7s like2 <e must be bout to bustE Dn0ho/6 I go over an got
him a/a0 .rom *a;or (ritch an she still hollerin an 0ellin6 callin him a =.ilth0 animal6=
an shit like that2 @hen she get loose6 *a;or (ritch go u1 to the .ront o. the cock1it an
1ut her hea+ +o/n an start sobbin2 I unstra1 Sue an take him behin the 1artition /ith me2
I .in+ a em1t0 bottle .or him to 1ee in6 but a.ter he .inishe+6 he take the bottle an heave it
into a 1anel o. colore+ lights an it bust to 1ieces an all the 1ee start .loatin aroun in the
s1aceshi12 I sa06 to hell /ith this6 an start lea+in Sue back to his seat /hen I seen a big
glob o. 1ee hea+in straight .or *a;or (ritch2 It look like it gonna hit her in the back o.
the hea+6 so I turn Sue loose an tr0 to hea+ o.. the 1ee /ith a net the0 have give us .or
catchin stu.. that7s .loatin aroun2 But ;us as I am bout to net the glob o. 1ee6 *a;or (ritch
sit back u1 an turn aroun an it caught her right in the .ace2
She start hollerin an ba/lin again an in the meantime6 Sue has +one gone an starte+
ri11in out /ires .rom the control 1anel2 *a;or (ritch is screamin6 =Sto1 himE Sto1 himE=
but be.ore 0ou kno/ it6 s1arks an stu.. is .l0in all aroun insi+e the s1aceshi1 an Sue is
;um1in .rom ceilin to .loor tearin shit u12 D voice come over the ra+io /antin to kno/
=@hat in hell is goin on u1 there>= but b0 then it is too late2
3he s1aceshi1 is /eavin all aroun an goin en+ over en+ an me6 Sue an *a;or (ritch is
tosse+ aroun like corks2 :an7t gra1 holt o. nothin6 can7t turn o.. nothin6 can7t stan u1 or
set +o/n2 3he voice o. groun control come over the ra+io again6 sa06 =@e is noticin
some kine o. minor stabiliFation trouble /ith 0our cra.t2 (orrest6 /ill 0ou manuall0
insert the 4si5 1rogram into the starboar+ com1uter>=
Shithe got to be ;okinE I7m s1innin aroun like a to1 an I got a /il+ a1e loose in here to
bootE *a;or (ritch is hollerin so lou+ I cannot hear or even think nothin6 but the gist o.
/hat she is hollerin seem to be that /e is bout to crash an burn2 I manage+ to get a
glance out o. the /in+er6 an in .act things +on7t look goo+2 3hat earth comin u1 on us
might0 .ast2
Someho/ I manage+ to get to /here the starboar+ com1uter is6 an hol+ on to the 1anel
/ith one han an I7m 1uttin 4si5 into the machine2 It is a 1rogram +esigne+ to lan+ the
s1aceshi1 in the In+ian Ccean in case /e get in trouble6 /hich /e certainl0 is no/2
*a;or (ritch an ole Sue be hol+in on .or +ear li.e6 but *a;or (ritch holler out6 =@hat is
0ou +oin over there>= @hen I tole her6 she sa06 =(orgit that6 0ou stu1i+ tur+/e is
alrea+0 +one 1asse+ over the In+ian Ccean2 @ait till /e go roun again an see i. 0ou can
set us +o/n in the South Paci.ic2=
Believe it or not6 it +on7t take much time to go roun the /orl+ /hen 0ou is in a
s1aceshi16 an *a;or (ritch has gra11e+ holt to the ra+io micro1hone an is hollerin at
them 1eo1le at groun control that /e is hea+e+ .or either a s1lash+o/n or crash+o/n
in the South Paci.ic Ccean an to come get us as soon as the0 can2 I7m 1unchin buttons
like craF0 an that big ole earth is loomin closer2 @e .l0 over somethin *a;or (ritch
thinks look like South Dmerica an then there be onl0 /ater again6 /ith the South Pole
o.. to our le.t an Dustralia u1 ahea+2
3hen everthing get scorchin hot6 an .unn0 little souns are comin .rom the outsi+e o. the
s1aceshi1 an it start shakin an hissin an the earth is +ea+ u1 ahea+2 *a;or (ritch shout to
me6 =Pull the 1arachute leverE= but I am 1inne+ in m0 seat2 Dn she is 1resse+ u1 against
the ceilin o. the cabin6 an so it look like it7s curtains .or us6 since /e is goin bout ten
thousan miles a hour6 an hea+e+ straight .or a big ole green blob o. lan+ in the ocean2 @e
hit that goin this .ast6 ain7t even gonna be a grease s1ot le.2
But then all o. a su++en somethin go =1o1= an the s1aceshi1 slo/ +o/n2 I look over6 an
+amn i. ole Sue ain7t 1ulle+ the 1arachute lever hisse. an save+ our asses2 I remin+
m0se. then an there to .ee+ him a banana /hen all this shit is over2
Dn0ho/6 the s1aceshi1 be s/ingin back an .orth un+er the 1arachute6 an it look like /e
is gonna hit the big ole green blob o. lan+/hich a11arentl0 ain7t so goo+ neither6 since
/e is s1ose+ onl0 to hit /ater an then shi1s /ill 1ick us u12 But ain7t nothin gone right
.rom the time /e set .oot in this contra1tion6 so /h0 shoul+ an0bo+0 e51ect it to no/>
*a;or (ritch is on the ra+io an sa0in to groun control6 =@e is bout to lan+ on some1lace
north o. Dustralia out in the ocean6 but I ain7t sure /here /e is2=
:ou1le o. seconts later a voice come back sa06 =I. 0ou ain7t sure /here 0ou is6 /h0 +on7t
0ou look out the /in+er6 0ou +umb broa+>=
So *a;or (ritch 1ut the ra+io +o/n an go look out the /in+er an she sa06 =)esusthis
look like Borneo or some1lace6= but /hen she tr0 to tell that to groun control6 the ra+io
+one gone +ea+2
@e be gettin real close to the earth no/6 an the s1aceshi1 still s/inging un+er the
1arachute2 3here is nothin but ;ungle an mountains beneath us ce1t .or a little bitt0 lake
that is kin+ o. bro/n2 @e can barel0 make out somethin going on ne5 to the lake +o/n
there2 3he three o. usme6 Sue an *a;or (ritchall got our noses 1resse+ to the /in+er
lookin +o/n6 an all o. a su++en *a;or (ritch cr0 out6 =,oo+ ,o+E 3his ain7t Borneothis
is .uckin Ne/ ,uinea6 an all that shit on the groun must be one o. them :argo :ults or
somethinE=
Sue an me lookin +o/n har+6 an there on the groun ne5 to the lake6 lookin back at us6 is
about a thousan natives6 all /ith the0 arms raise+ u1 to/ar+s us2 3he0 is /earin little
grass skirts an has their hair all .la0e+ out6 an some is carr0in shiel+s an s1ears2
=4amn6= I sa06 =/hat 0ou sa0 the0 is>=
=:argo :ult6= *a;or (ritch sa02 =In @orl+ @ar II /e use+ to +ro1 1ackages o. can+0 an
stu.. like that on these ;ungle bunnies to kee1 em on our si+e6 an the0 ain7t never .orgot
it2 (iggere+ it /as ,o+ or somebo+0 +oin it6 an ever since6 the0 is /aiting .or us to come
back2 Even built cru+e run/a0s an allsee +o/n there> 3he0 has got a lan+in Fone all
marke+ o.. /ith them big roun black markers2=
=3hem things look more like cookin 1ots to me6= I sa0s2
=Aeah6 the0 +o6 sort o.6= *a;or (ritch sa0 curiousl02
=Din7t this /here cannibals come .rom>= I a5e+2
=I reckon /e /ill soon .in+ out6= she sa02
S1aceshi1 is gentl0 s/ingin to/ar+s the lake6 an ;us a.ore /e hit6 the0 start beatin the0
+rums an movin the0 mouths u1 an+ +o/n2 @e can7t hear nothin on account o. bein in
the ca1sule6 but our maginations +oin ;ust .ine2
14
Cur lan+in in the little lake /as not too ba+2 3<EA /as a s1lash an a bounce an then /e
is back on earth again2 Everthin got real 9uiet6 an me an Sue an+ *a;or (ritch 1eek out
the /in+er2
3he0 is a /hole tribe o. natives stan+in bout ten .eet a/a0 on the shore6 lookin at us6 an
the0 is bout the .iercestlooking .olks imaginablesco/lin an leanin .or/ar+ so7s to see
/hat /e is2 *a;or (ritch sa0 ma0be the0 is u1set cause /e +i+n7t tho/ them nothin .rom
the s1aceshi12 Dn0ho/6 she sa0 she is gonna set +o/n an tr0 to .igger out /hat to +o
no/6 on account o. /e has someho/ got this .ar oka0 an she +on7t /ant to make no .alse
moves /ith these s1ooks2 Seven or eight o. the0 biggest .ellas ;um1s into the /ater an+
begin 1ushin us over to lan+2
*a;or (ritch still be settin there .iggerin /hen there is a big knock at the +oor o. the
s1aceshi12 @e all look at each other an *a;or (ritch sa06 =4on7t nobo+0 +o nothin2=
Dn I sa06 =*a0be the0 be gettin angr0 i. /e +on7t let em in2=
=)ust be 9uiet6= she sa06 =an ma0be the0 think nobo+07s in here an go a/a02=
So /e /aite+6 but sure enough6 a.ter a /ile the0 is another knock on the s1aceshi12
I sa06 =It ain7t 1olite not to ans/er the +oor6= an *a;or (ritch hiss back at me6 =Shut u1
0our +umb.ool asscan7t 0ou see these 1eo1le is +angerous>=
3hen all o. a su++en ole Sue go over an o1en the +oor hisse.2 Stan+in there outsi+e is the
biggest coon I has seen since /e 1la0e+ them Nebraska corn shucker ;acko..s in the
Crange Bo/l2
<e got a bone thru his nose an is /earin a grass skirt an carr0in a s1ear an has a lot o.
bea+s strung aroun his neck6 an his hair look somethin like that Beatle /ig *a+ 3om
o7Be+lam /ore in the Shakes1eare 1la02
3his .eller seem e5tremel0 startle+ to .in+ Sue starin back at him .rom insi+e the
s1aceshi1 +oor2 Ds a matter o. .act6 he is so su1rise+ that he keel over in a +ea+ .aint2
*a;or (ritch an me is 1ee1in out the /in+er again6 an /hen all them other natives seen
this .eller keel over6 the0 run o.. in the shrubs an hi+eI guess to /ait an see /hat7s
gonna ha11en ne52
*a;or (ritch sa06 =<ole still no/+on7t make a move6= but ole Sue6 he gra11e+ holt o. a
bottle that /as settin there an he ;um1 out on the groun an 1our it in the .eller7s .ace to
revive him2 Dll o. a su++en the .eller set u1 an start s1utterin an coughin an s1ittin an
shakin his hea+ .rom si+e to si+e2 <e /as revive+ all right6 but /hat Sue ha+ gra11e+ an
1oure+ in his .ace /as the bottle /hat I use+ to 1ee in2 3hen the .eller recogniFe Sue
again6 an he tho/e+ his hans u1 an .all over on his .ace an begin bo/in an scra1in like a
Drab2
Dn then out .rom the bushes come the rest o. them6 movin slo/ an scaritlike6 e0es big
as saucers6 rea+0 to tho/ the0 s1ears2 3he .eller on the groun sto1 bo/in .or a moment
an look u1 an /hen he seen the others6 he holler out somethin an the0 1ut +o/n the0
s1ears an come u1 to the s1aceshi1 an gather aroun it2
=3he0 look .rien+l0 enough no/6= *a;or (ritch sa02 =I s1ose /e better go on out an
i+enti.0 oursel.s2 3he 1eo1le .rom NDSD /ill be here in a .e/ minutes to 1ick us u12=
Ds it turns out6 that is the biggest 1iece o. bullshit I have ever hear+ in m0 li.ebe.ore or
since2
Dn0ho/6 *a;or (ritch an me6 /e /alk on out o. the s1aceshi1 an all them natives goin
=ooooh= an =ahhhh2= 3hat ole bo0 on the groun6 he look at us real 1uFFle+like6 but then
he get u1 an sa06 =<ellome goo+ bo02 @ho 0ou>= an he stick out his han2
I shake his han6 but then *a;or (ritch start tr0in to tell him /ho /e is6 sa0in /e is6
=Partici1ants in the NDSD multiorbital 1re1lanetar0 subgravitational inters1heroi+
s1ace.light trainin mission2=
3he .eller ;us stan there ga1in at us like /e /as s1acemen6 an so I sa0s6 =@e is
Dmericans6= an all o. a su++en his e0es light u1 an he sa06 =4o tellE DmericansE @hat a
;oll0 .ine sho/I sa0E=
=Aou s1eak English>= *a;or (ritch a5e+2
=@h0 hell 0es6= he sa02 =I7ve been to Dmerica be.ore2 4uring the /ar2 I /as recruite+ b0
the C..ice o. Strategic Services to learn English6 an+ then sent back here to organiFe our
1eo1le in guerrilla /ar.are against the )a1anese2= Dt this6 Sue7s e0es get big an bright2
It seem kin+a .unn0 to me6 thougha big ole boon like this s1eaking such goo+ Dmerican
out in the mi++le o. no1lace6 so I sa0s6 =@here7+ 0ou go t7school>=
=@h06 I /ent to Aale6 ol+ s1ort6= he sa0s2 =BoolaBoola6 an all that2= @hen he sa0
=boolaboola6= all them other Sambo7s start chantin it too6 an the +rums start u1 again6
until the big gu0 /ave them 9uiet2
=*0 name is Sam6= he sa02 =Dt least that7s /hat the0 calle+ me at Aale2 *0 real name7s
9uite a mouth.ul2 @hat a +elight 0ou +ro11e+ in2 @oul+ 0ou like some tea>=
*e an *a;or (ritch be lookin at each other2 She is +amn near s1eechless6 so I sa0s6
=Aeah6 that7+ be goo+6= an then *a;or (ritch get her voice back an s1eak u1 kin+ o.
high1itche+6 =Aou ain7t got a 1hone /e can use6 +o 0ou>= she sa02
Big Sam sort o. sco/l an /ave his hans an the +rums start u1 again an /e be escorte+
into the ;ungle /ith everbo+0 chantin =boolaboola2=
3he0 has got the0sel.s a little village set u1 in the ;ungle /ith grass huts an shit ;us like
in the movies6 an Big Sam7s hut is the gran+est o. all2 Cut in .ront he got a chair look
like a throne6 an .our or .ive /omen /earin nothin on to1 are +oin /hatever he sa02 Cne
o. the things he sa0 is .or them to get us some tea6 an then he 1oint to a cou1le o. big
stones .or *a;or (ritch an me to set +o/n on2 Sue has been .ollo/in along behin us all
the /a06 hol+in on to m0 han6 an Big Sam motion .or him to set on the groun2
=3hat7s a terri.ic a1e 0ou have there6= Sam sa0s2 =@here7+ 0ou get him>=
=<e /orks .or NDSD6= *a;or (ritch sa0s2 She ain7t lookin none too ha110 bout our
situation2
=Aou +on7t sa0>= sa0s Big Sam2 =Is he 1ai+>=
=I think he7+ like a banana6= I sa0s2 Big Sam sai+ somethin an one o. the /oman natives
brung Sue a banana2
=I7m a/.ull0 sorr06= Big Sam sa06 =I think I haven7t aske+ 0our names2=
=*a;or )anet (ritch6 ?nite+ States Dir (orce2 Serial number !4$&4$#&2 3hat7s all I7m
going to tell 0ou2=
=Ch6 m0 +ear /oman6= sa0s Big Sam2 =Aou are not a 1risoner here2 @e are ;ust 1oor
back/ar+ tribesmen2 Some sa0 /e7ve not 1rogresse+ much since the Stone Dge2 @e
mean 0ou no harm2=
=I ain7t got nothin else to sa0 till I can use the 1hone6= *a;or (ritch sa02
=Her0 /ell then6= sa0s Big Sam2 =Dn+ /hat o. 0ou6 0oung man>=
=*0 name is (orrest6= I tell him2
=-eall06= he sa02 =Is that taken .rom 0our .amous :ivil @ar ,eneral Nathan Be+.or+
(orrest>=
=Ae16= I sa0s2
=<o/ ver0 interesting2 I sa06 (orrest6 /here +i+ 0ou go to school>=
I starte+ to sa0 I /ent u1 to the ?niversit0 o. Dlabama .or a /ile6 but then I +eci+e+ to
1la0 it sa.e6 an so I tole him I /ent to <arvar+6 /hich /as not e5actl0 a lie2
=Dh6 <arvar+the ol+ :rimson6= Big Sam sa0s2 =AesI kne/ it /ell2 Lovel0 bunch o.
.ello/seven i. the0 coul+n7t get into Aale6= an then he start to laugh real lou+2 =Dctuall06
0ou +o look sort o. like a <arvar+ man at that6= he sa02 Someho/6 I .igger that trouble
la0 ahea+2
It /as late in the a.ternoon an Big Sam tole a cou1le o. them native /omen to sho/ us
/here /e is gonna sta02 It is a grass hut /ith a +irt .loor an a little entrance/a06 an it sort
o. remin+ me o. the hovel /here Bing Lear /ent2 3/o big ole .ellers /ith s1ears come
u1 an be stan+in guar+ outsi+e our +oor2
Dll night long them natives be beatin on the0 +rums an chantin =boolaboola6= an /e
coul+ see out the entrance that the0 have set u1 a great big caul+ron an built a .ire un+er
it2 *e an *a;or (ritch +on7t kno/ /hat to make o. all this6 but I reckon ole Sue +oes6
cause he settin over in the corner b0 hisse.6 lookin glum2
Bout nine or ten o7clock the0 still ain7t .e+ us no .oo+6 an *a;or (ritch sa0 ma0be I ought
to go a5e Big Sam .or our su11er2 I start to go out the +oor o. the hovel but them t/o
natives cross the0 s1ears in .ront o. me6 an I get the message an go back insi+e2
Su++enl0 it +a/n on me ho/ come /e ain7t been invite+ to su11er/e is the su11er2 It is
a bleak outlook2
3hen the +rums 9uit an the0 sto1 chantin =boolaboola2= Cutsi+e /e hear somebo+0
s9ua/kin an he is ans/ere+ b0 somebo+0 else s9ua/kin that soun+ like Big Sam2 3hat
go on .or a /ile6 an the argument get real heate+ u12 )ust as it seem like the0 can7t shout
an0 lou+er6 /e hear this big =conk6= /hich soun+ like somebo+0 get hit over the hea+
/ith a boar+ or somethin2 Everthing get 9uiet .or a moment6 then the +rums start u1
again an everbo+0 chantin =boolaboola= once more2
Ne5t mornin6 /e settin there an Big Sam come thru the +oor an he sa06 =<ello+i+ 0ou
have a nice slee1>=
=<ell no6= *a;or (ritch sa02 =<o/ in ,o+7s name +oes 0ou e51ect us to slee1 /ith all
that racket out there>=
Big Sam get a 1aine+ look on his .ace6 an sa06 =Ch6 I7m sorr0 about that2 But 0ou see6 m0
1eo1le /ere6 ah6 sort o. e51ectin a gi.t o. some sort /hen the0 sa/ 0our vehicle +ro1
.rom the sk02 @e have been /aiting since 194$ .or the return o. 0our 1eo1le an their
1resents to us2 @hen the0 sa/ that 0ou ha+ no 1resents6 naturall0 the0 assume+ that 0ou
/ere the 1resent6 an+ the0 /ere 1re1are+ to cook 0ou an+ eat 0ou until I 1ersua+e+ them
other/ise2=
=Aou7re shittin me6 buster6= *a;or (ritch sa02
=3o the contrar06= sa0s Big Sam2 =Aou see6 m0 1eo1le are not e5actl0 /hat 0ou /oul+
call civiliFe+ at least b0 0our stan+ar+sas the0 have a 1articular a..ection .or human
.lesh2 Es1eciall0 /hite meat2=
=4o 0ou mean to tell me 0ou 1eo1le are cannibals>= *a;or (ritch sa02
Big Sam shrug his shoul+ers2 =3hat7s bout the siFe o. it2=
=3hat7s +isgusting6= sa0s *a;or (ritch2 =Listen6 0ou has got to see to it that /e is not
harme+6 an that /e get out o. here an back to civiliFation2 3here is 1robabl0 a search
1art0 .rom NDSD about to arrive an0 minute2 I +eman+ that 0ou treat us /ith the +ignit0
0ou /oul+ accor+ an0 allie+ nation2=
=Dh6= Big Sam sa06 =that /as 1recisel0 /hat the0 ha+ in min+ last night2=
=No/ see hereE= sa0s *a;or (ritch2 =I +eman+ that /e be set .ree this instant6 an+
allo/e+ to make our /a0 to the nearest cit0 or to/n /here there is a tele1hone2=
=I am a.rai+6= Big Sam sa06 =that /oul+ be im1ossible2 Even i. /e +i+ turn 0ou loose6
the 10gmies /oul+ get 0ou be.ore 0ou /ent a hun+re+ 0ar+s into the ;ungle2=
=P0gmies>= sa0 *a;or (ritch2
=@e have been at /ar /ith the 10gmies .or man0 generations2 Somebo+0 stole a 1ig
once6 I thinknobo+0 remembers /ho or /hereit is lost in legen+2 But /e are virtuall0
surroun+e+ b0 the 10gmies6 an+ have been ever since an0one can remember2=
=@ell6= sa0s *a;or (ritch6 =I7+ rather us take our chances /ith 10gmies than /ith a
bunch o. .ucking cannibalsthe 10gmies ain7t cannibals6 is the0>=
=No6 ma+am6= Big Sam sa06 =the0 are hea+hunters2=
=3erri.ic6= *a;or (ritch sa0 sourl02
=No/ last night6= Big Sam sa0s6 =I manage+ to save 0ou .rom the cooking 1ot6 but I am
not sure ho/ long I can kee1 m0 1eo1le at ba02 3he0 are +etermine+ to turn 0our
a11earance into some sort o. gain2=
=Is that so>= *a;or (ritch sa0s2 =Like /hat>=
=@ell6 .or one thing6 0our a1e2 I think the0 /oul+ at least like to be able to eat him2=
=3hat a1e is the sole 1ro1ert0 o. the ?nite+ States o. Dmerica6= sa0s *a;or (ritch2
=Nonetheless6= Big Sam sa0s6 =I think it /oul+ be a +i1lomatic gesture on 0our 1art2=
Cle Sue be .ro/nin an no++in his hea+ slo/l0 an lookin sorro/.ull0 out the +oor2
=Dn+ then6= Big Sam continue6 =I think that /ile 0ou are here6 0ou coul+ 1erha1s +o
some /ork .or us2=
=@hat sort o. /ork>= *a;or (ritch sa0 sus1iciousl02
=@ell6= sa0 Big Sam6 =.arming /ork2 Dgriculture2 Aou see6 I have been tr0ing to
im1rove the ignominious lot o. m0 1eo1le .or man0 0ears2 Dn+ not too long ago I
stumble+ on an i+ea2 I. /e can sim1l0 turn the .ertile soil here to our a+vantage6 an+
bring to it some o. the mo+ern techni9ues o. agronom06 /e might thus begin to haul
ourselves out o. our tribal 1re+icament an+ assume a role in the /orl+ market1lace2 In
short6 turn ourselves a/a0 .rom this back/ar+ an+ stale econom0 an+ become a viable6
culture+ race o. 1eo1les2=
=@hat kin+ o. .arming>= *a;or (ritch a5e+2
=:otton6 m0 +ear /oman6 cottonE Bing o. cash cro1sE 3he 1lant that built an em1ire in
0our o/n countr0 some 0ears ago2=
=Aou e51ectin us to gro/ cottonE= *a;or (ritch s9ua/ke+2
=Aou bet 0our s/eet ass I +o6 sister6= Big Sam sa02
1$
@ell6 here /e is6 Plantin :otton2 Dcres an acres an acres o. it2 Dll u1 an +o/n the /hole
creation2 I. the0 is an0thin sure in m0 li.e6 it is that i. /e ever get our asses outta here6 I
+on7t never /ant to be no cotton .armer2
Several things +one ha11ene+ a.ter that .irst +a0 in the ;ungle /ith Big Sam an the
cannibals2 (irst6 *a;or (ritch an me has convince+ Big Sam not to make us give 1o ole
Sue to his tribe to eat2 @e has 1ersua+e+ him that Sue /oul+ be o. a lot more use he11in
us 1lant the cotton than he /oul+ be as a meal2 Dn so ever +a0 there is ole Sue out there
/ith us6 /earin a big stra/ hat an carr0in a gunn0sack6 1lantin cotton2
Dlso6 bout the thir+ or .orth /eek /e /as there6 Big Sam come into our hovel an sa06
=Look here6 (orrest ol+ bo06 +o 0ou 1la0 chess>=
Dn I sa0s6 =No2=
Dn he sa06 =@ell6 0ou7re a <arvar+ man6 0ou might like to learn2=
Dn I no+ m0 hea+6 an that7s ho/ I learnt to 1la0 chess2
Ever evenin /hen /e is thru /ork in the cotton .iel+s6 Big Sam7+ get out his chess set an
/e7+ set aroun the .ire an 1la0 till late at night2 <e sho/e+ me all the moves6 an .or the
.irst .e/ +a0s he taught me strateg02 But a.ter that6 he 9uit +oin it cause I beat him a
game or t/o2
D.ter a /ile6 the games get longer2 Sometime the0 last .or several +a0s6 as Big Sam can
not make u1 his min+ /here to move to2 <e7+ sit an stu+0 them chessmen an then he7+
+o somethin /ith one o. them6 but I al/a0s manage+ to beat him2 Sometimes he7+ get
real angr0 /ith hisse.6 an 1oun+ on his .oot /ith a stick or butt his hea+ against a rock or
somethin2
=(or a <arvar+ man6 0ou is a 1rett0 goo+ chess 1la0er6= he7+ sa06 or he7+ sa06 =See here6
(orrest/h0 +i+ 0ou make that last move>= I /oul+n7t sa0 nothin6 or ;us shrug m0
shoul+ers6 an that /ou+ sen+ Big Sam into a rage2
Cne +a0 he sa06 =Aou kno/6 (orrest6 I am surel0 gla+ 0ou have come here6 so I can have
somebo+0 to 1la0 chess /ith6 an I am gla+ I have save+ 0ou .rom that cooking 1ot2 Cnl0
thing is6 I reall0 /oul+ like to /in ;us one chess game .rom 0ou2=
Dt that6 Big Sam be lickin his cho1s6 an it +i+n7t take no i+iot to .igger out that i. I let
him /in ;us one game6 he /as gonna be satis.ie+6 an have me .or his su11er6 then an
there2 Bin+a ke1 me on m0 toes6 i. 0ou kno/ /hat I mean2
*eantime6 a ver0 strange thing has ha11ene+ /ith *a;or (ritch2
Cne +a0 she is /alkin back .rom the cotton .iel+s /ith Sue an me6 /hen a big ole black
arm 1oke out .rom a clum1 o. bushes an beckon her over2 *e an Sue sto11e+6 an *a;or
(ritch /alk over to the clum1 o. bushes an sa06 =@ho7s that in there>= Dll o. a su++en6
the big ole arm reache+ out an gra11e+ a holt o. *a;or (ritch an snatche+ her into the
bush2 Sue an me looke+ at each other an then run over to /here she /as2 Sue got there
.irst an I /as about to lea1 into the bushes m0se.6 /hen Sue sto1 me2 <e start shakin his
hea+ an /avin me a/a06 an /e /alke+ o.. a little bit an /aite+2 3he0 /as all sorts o.
souns comin .rom in there6 an the bushes is shakin like craF02 I .inall0 .iggere+ out /hat
/as goin on6 but .rom the soun o. *a;or (ritch7s voice6 it +i+n7t a11ear she /as in no
+anger or nothin6 so Sue an me /ent on back to the village2
Bout a hour later6 here come *a;or (ritch an this great big ole .eller /ho is grinnin ear
toear2 She has got him b0 the han6 lea+in him along2 She bring him into the hovel an sa0
to me6 =(orrest6 I /ant 0ou to meet ,rurck6= an she lea+ him .or/ar+2
=<i6= I sa02 I ha+ seen this .eller aroun the village be.ore2 ,rurck be grinnin an no++in
an I no++e+ back2 Sue6 he be scratchin his balls2
=,rurck +one a5e+ me to move in /ith him6= she sa06 =an I think I /ill6 since it is sort o.
cro/+e+ in here .or the three o. us6 /oul+n7t 0ou sa0>=
I no+ m0 hea+2
=(orrest2 Aou /oul+n7t tell nobo+0 bout this6 /oul+ 0ou>= *a;or (ritch a5e+2
No/ /ho in hell /as she thinkin I /oul+ tell6 is /hat I /ant to kno/> But I ;ust shook
m0 hea+6 an *a;or (ritch got her shit an /ent o.. /ith ,rurck to his 1lace2 Dn that7s the
/a0 it /as2
3he +a0s an months an .inall0 the 0ears come an go6 an ever +a0 me an Sue an *a;or
(ritch be /orkin in the cotton .iel+s6 an I am beginnin to .eel like ?ncle -emus or
somebo+02 Dt night6 a.ter I .inish /u11in Big Sam at chess6 I go into the hovel /ith ole
Sue an /e set aroun .or a /ile2 It has got to /here Sue an me can sort o. talk to each
other6 gruntin an makin .aces an /avin our hans2 D.ter a long time I am able to 1iece
together his li.e stor06 an it turn out to be bout as sorr0 as mine2
@hen he /as ;us a little bitt0 a1e6 Sue7s mama an 1o11a /as /alkin in the ;ungle one
+a0 /hen these gu0s come along an tho/e+ a net over them6 an +rug them o..2 <e
manage+ to get on /ith an aunt an uncle till the0 kicke+ him out .or eatin too much6 an
then he /as on his o/n2
<e /as oka06 ;us s/ingin in the trees an eatin bananas till one +a0 he got curious bout
/hat is goin on in the rest o. the /orl+6 an he s/ang hisse. thru tree a.ter tree till he
come on a village near the e+ge o. the ;ungle2 <e is thirst0 an come +o/n an set b0 a
stream to +rink some /ater /hen this .eller come b0 1a++lin a canoe2 Sue ain7t never
seen a canoe6 so he set there /atchin it an the .eller 1a++le over to him2 <e think the
.eller /ant to give him a ri+e6 but instea+6 the .eller conke+ Sue over the hea+ /ith his
oar an hogtie+ him an ne5 thing he kne/6 he /as sol+ to some gu0 that 1ut him in a
e5hibit in Paris2
3here /as this other orangutang in the e5hibit6 name o. 4oris6 /hat /as one o. the
.inestlooking a1es he ha+ ever see+6 an a.ter a /ile6 the0 .ell in love2 3he gu0 that ha+
the e5hibit took them aroun the /orl+6 an ever1lace he7+ go6 the main attraction /as to
1ut 4oris an Sue together in a cage so7s everbo+0 coul+ /atch them scre/that /as the
kin+ o. e5hibit it /as2 Dn0/a06 it /as kin+a embarrassin .or ole Sue6 but it /ere the onl0
chance the0 ha+2
3hen one time the0 /as on e5hibit in )a1an6 an some gu0 come u1 to the .eller running
the sho/ an o..er to bu0 4oris2 So o.. she /ent6 Sue kno/e+ not /here6 an he /as b0
hisse.2
3hat cause+ a +e.inate change in Sue7s attitu+e2 <e got grouch06 an /hen the0 1ut him
on +is1la06 he took to gro/lin an snarlin an .inall0 he begun takin a shit an then .lingin
the shit thru the cage bars all over them 1eo1le /hat ha+ 1ai+ their goo+ mone0 to see
/hat an orangutang acts like2
D.ter a /ile o. this6 the e5hibit .eller got .e+ u1 an sol+ Sue to the NDSD 1eo1le an
that7s ho/ come he /in+ u1 here2 I kno/ ho/ he .eels a little6 cause he7s still lonesome
.or 4oris6 an I7m still lonesome .or )enn0 :urran6 an ain7t a +a0 go b0 I ain7t /on+erin
/hat7s become o. her2 But here /e both is6 stuck out in the mi++le o. no/here2
3he cotton .armin a+venture o. Big Sam7s is be0on an0one7s /il+est +reams2 @e has
so/e+ an harveste+ bale a.ter bale6 an the0 is storin it in big grass shacks built u1 o.. the
groun2 (inall0 one +a06 Big Sam sa0 the0 is .i5in to construct a big boata bargeto loa+
u1 the cotton an .ight our /a0 thru 10gm0 countr0 +o/n to /here /e can sell the cotton
an make a .ortune2
=I have got it all .igure+ out6= Big Sam sa0s2 =(irst /e auction o.. the cotton an+ get our
mone02 3hen /e /ill use it to bu0 the kin+s o. things m0 1eo1le nee+2=
I a5e+ him /hat /as that6 an he sa06 =Ch6 0ou kno/6 ol+ s1ort6 bea+s an+ trinkets6
1erha1s a mirror or t/oa 1ortable ra+io an+ ma0be a bo5 o. goo+ :uban cigarsan+ a
case or t/o o. booFe2=
So this is the kin+ o. +eal /e is in2
Dn0ho/6 the months go b06 an /e is harvesting the last cotton cro1 o. the season2 Big
Sam has +one ;ust bout .inishe+ the river barge that is to take us thru 10gm0 countr0 to
the to/n6 an the night be.ore /e is to leave6 the0 hol+ a big hoe+o/n to celebrate
everthin an also /ar+ o.. evil s1irits2
Dll the tribe be settin aroun the .ire chantin =boolaboola= an+ beatin on the0 +rums2
3he0 has also +rug out that big caul+ron an got it on the .ire steamin an boilin6 but Big
Sam sa0 it is onl0 a =s0mbolic gesture2=
@e is settin there 1la0in chess6 an let me tell 0ou thisI am so e5cite+ I am bout to bustE
)ust let us get near a to/n or cit06 an /e is long gone2 Cle Sue kno/s the +eal too6 cause
he7s settin over there /ith a big grin on his .ace6 ticklin hisse. un+er the arms2
@e has 1la0e+ one or t/o games o. chess an is bout to .inish another6 /hen I su++enl0
look +o/n6 an +amne+ i. Big Sam ain7t got me in check2 <e is smilin so big6 all I can see
in the +ark is his teeth6 an I .igger I ha+ better get outta this situation 9uick2
Cnl0 1roblem is6 I can7t2 @ile I7ve been assin aroun countin m0 chickens a.ore the07re
hatche+6 I have 1ut m0se. in a im1ossible 1osition on the chessboar+2 3he0 ain7t no /a0
out2
I stu+ie+ that thing .or a /ile6 m0 .ro/n lit u1 1lain as +a0 .rom the .ire7s re.lection o..
Big Sam7s smilin teeth6 an then I sa0s6 =Dh6 look hereI got to go 1ee2= Big Sam no+6 still
grinnin6 an I7ll tell 0ou this6 it /as the .irst time I can remember /hen sa0in somethin
like that got me out o. trouble instea+ o. in it2
I /ent on back behin the hovel an took a 1ee6 but then instea+ o. goin back to the chess
game6 I /ent in an got ole Sue an s1laine+ to him /hat the +eal /as2 3hen I snuck u1 on
,rurck7s hut an /his1ere+ .or *a;or (ritch2 She come out6 an I tole her too6 an sa0 /e7+
better get our butts outta here a.ore /e is all 1arboile+ or somethin2
@ell6 /e all +eci+e+ to make a break .or it2 ,rurck6 he sa0 he7s comin /ith us on
account o. he7s in love /ith *a;or (ritchor ho/ever he e51resse+ it2 Dn0/a06 the .our
o. us starte+ cree1in out o. the village an /e got +o/n to the e+ge o. the river an /as
;ust bout to get in one o. the native canoes6 /hen all o. a su++en I look u1 an stan+in
there over me is Big Sam /ith about a thousan o. his natives6 lookin mean an
+isa11ointe+2
=:ome no/6 ol+ s1ort6= he sa06 =+i+ 0ou reall0 think 0ou coul+ outsmart this ol+ +evil>=
Dn I tell him6 =Ch6 /e /as ;us goin .or a canoe ri+e in the moonlite0ou kno/ /hat I
mean>=
=Aeah6= he sa06 he kno/e+ /hat I meant6 an then his men gra11e+ us u1 an haul us back
to the village un+er arme+ guar+2 3he cookin caul+ron is bubblin an steamin to beat the
ban+ an the0 has got us tie+ to stakes in the groun an the outlook is somethin less than
ros02
=@ell6 ol+ s1ort6= Big Sam sa06 =this is a un.ortunate turn o. events in+ee+2 But look at it
this /a06 0ou /ill at least be able to console 0oursel. b0 the kno/le+ge that 0ou have
.e+ a hungr0 mouth or t/o2 Dn+ also6 I must tell 0ou this0ou are /ithout a +oubt the
best chess 1la0er I have ever encountere+6 an+ I /as the chess cham1ion o. Aale .or
three o. the .our 0ears I /as there2
=Ds .or 0ou6 ma+am6= Big Sam sa0 to *a;or (ritch6 =I am sorr0 to have to bring 0our
little a..aire +7amour /ith ol+ ,rurck here to an en+6 but 0ou kno/ ho/ it is2=
=No I +on7t kno/ ho/ it is6 0ou +es1icable savage6= *a;or (ritch sa02 =@here +o 0ou
get o..6 an0/a0> Aou oughta be ashame+ o. 0ourse.E=
=Perha1s /e can serve 0ou an ,rurck on the same 1latter6= Big Sam chuckle+6 =a little
light an +ark meatm0sel.6 I7ll take a thigh6 or 1ossibl0 a breastno/ that /oul+ be a nice
touch2=
=Aou vile6 uns1eakable assE= sa0 *a;or (ritch2
=@hatever6= Big Sam sa0s2 =Dn+ no/6 let the .east beginE=
3he0 begun unt0in us an a bunch o. them ;iggaboos haule+ us to/ar+s the cookin 1ot2
3he0 li.te+ u1 1o ole Sue .irst6 cause Big Sam sa0 he /ill make goo+ =stock6= an the0
/as hol+in him above the caul+ron about to tho/ him in6 /hen lo an behole6 a arro/
come out o. no1lace an strike one o. the .ellers hoistin u1 Sue2 3he .eller .all +o/n an
Sue +ro1 on to1 o. him2 3hen more arro/s come rainin +o/n on us .rom the e+ge o. the
;ungle6 an everbo+0 is in a 1anic2
=It is the 10gmiesE= shout Big Sam2 =,et to 0our armsE= an everbo+0 run to get the0
s1ears an knives2
Since /e ain7t got no s1ears or knives6 *a;or (ritch6 me an Sue an ,rurck start runnin
+o/n to/ar+s the river again6 but /e ain7t no more than ten .eet +o/n the 1ath /hen all
o. a su++en /e is snatche+ u1 .eet .irst b0 some kin+ o. snares set in the trees2
@e is hangin there6 u1si+e +o/n like bats6 an all the bloo+ rushin to our hea+s6 /hen this
little gu0 come out o. the brush an he be laughin an gigglin at us all trusse+ u12 Dll sorts
o. savage soun+s are comin .rom the village6 but a.ter a /ile6 everthing 9uiet +o/n2
3hen a bunch o. other 10gmies come an cut us +o/n an tie our hans an .eet an lea+ us
back to the village2
It is a sightE 3he0 has ca1ture+ Big Sam an all his natives an has them tie+ u1 han an
.oot too2 Look like the0 is bout to tho/ them into the boilin 1ot2
=@ell6 ol+ s1ort6= Big Sam sa06 =seems like 0ou /ere save+ in the nick o. time6 +oesn7t
it>=
I no+ m0 hea+6 but I ain7t sure i. /e isn7t ;us out o. the .r0in 1an an into the .ire2
=3ell 0ou /hat6= sa0s Big Sam6 =looks like it7s all over .or me an m0 .ellers6 but ma0be
0ou have a chance2 I. 0ou can get to that harmonica o. 0ours an 1la0 a little tune or t/o6
it might save 0our li.e2 3he king o. the 10gmies is craF0 .or Dmerican music2=
=3hanks6= I sa02
=4on7t mention it6 ol+ s1ort6= Big Sam sa02 3he0 li.te+ him u1 high an /as hol+in him
over the boilin caul+ron6 an su++enl0 he call out to me6 =Bnight to bisho1 threethen
rook ten to king seventhat7s ho/ I beat 0ouE=
3he0 /as a big s1lash6 an+ then all Big Sam7s trusse+u1 natives begun chantin =boola
boola= again2 3hings are lookin +o/n .or us all2
1"
D.ter the0 +one .inishe+ cookin big Sam7s tribe6 an shrinkin the0 hea+s6 the 10gmies
slung us bet/een long 1oles an carrie+ us o.. like 1igs into the ;ungle2
=@hat +o 0ou s1ose the0 inten+ to +o /ith us>= *a;or (ritch call out to me2
=I +on7t kno/6 an I +on7t give a shit6= I call back6 an that /ere about the truth2 I7m tire+ o.
all this cra11ola2 D man can take ;us so much2
Dn0ho/6 a.ter about a +a0 or so /e come to the village o. the 10gmies6 an as 0ou might
e51ec6 the0 has got a bunch o. little tin0 huts in a clearin in the ;ungle2 3he0 truck us u1
to a hut in the center o. the clearin /here there is a bunch o. 10gmies stan+in arounan
one little ole .eller /ith a long /hite bear+ an no teeth settin u1 in a high chair like a
bab02 I .igger him to be the king o. the 10gmies2
3he0 tum1e+ us out onto the groun an untie+ us6 an /e stoo+ u1 an +uste+ oursel.s o..
an the king o. the 10gmies commence ;abberin some gibberish an then he get +o/n .rom
his chair an go straight u1 to Sue an kick him in the balls2
=<o/ come he +one that>= I a5e+ ,rurck6 /ho ha+ learnt to s1eak some English /ile he
/as livin /ith *a;or (ritch2
=<im /ant to kno/ i. a1e is bo0 or girl6= ,rurck sa02
I .igger there must be a nicer /a0 to .in+ that out6 but I ain7t sa0in nothin2
3hen the king6 he come u1 to me an start talkin some o. that gibberish10gmalion6 or
/hatever it isan I7m 1re1aring to get kicke+ in the balls too6 but ,rurck sa06 =<im /ant
to kno/ /h0 0ou livin /ith them a/.ul cannibals2=
=3ell him it /eren7t e5actl0 our i+ea6= *a;or (ritch 1i1e u1 an sa02
=I got a i+ea6= I sa0s2 =3ell him /e is Dmerican musicians2=
,rurck sa0 this to the king an he be 1eerin at us real har+6 an then he a5e ,rurck
somethin2
=@hat7s he sa0>= *a;or (ritch /ant to kno/2
=<im a5e /hat the a1e 1la0s6= sa0 ,rurck2
=3ell him the a1e 1la0s the s1ears6= I sa06 an ,rurck +o that6 an then the king o. the
10gmies announce he /ant to hear us 1er.orm2
I get out m0 harmonica an start 1la0in a little tune=4e :am1to/n -aces2= Bing o. the
10gmies listen .or a minute6 then he start cla11in his hans an +oin /hat look to be a clog
+ance2
D.ter I7m .inishe+6 he sa0 he /ants to kno/ /hat *a;or (ritch an ,rurck 1la0s6 an I tell
,rurck to sa0 *a;or (ritch 1la0s the knives an that ,rurck +on7t 1la0 nothinhe is the
manager2
Bing o. the 10gmies look sort o. 1uFFle+ an sa0 he ain7t never hear+ o. an0bo+0 1la0in
knives or s1ears be.ore6 but he tell his men to give Sue some s1ears an *a;or (ritch
some knives an let7s see /hat sort o. music /e come u1 /ith2
Soon as /e get the s1ears an knives6 I sa06 =Cka0no/E= an ole Sue conk the king o. the
10gmies over the hea+ /ith his s1ear an *a;or (ritch threatene+ a cou1le o. 10gmies
/ith her knives an /e run o.. into the ;ungle /ith the 10gmies in hot 1ursuit2
3he 10gmies be tho/in all sorts o. rocks an shit at us .rom behin6 an shootin the0 bo/s
an arro/s an +arts .rom blo/guns an such2 Su++enl0 /e come out on the bank o. a river
an ain7t no 1lace to go6 an the 10gmies are catchin u1 .ast2 @e is bout to ;um1 into the
river an s/im .or it6 /hen su++enl0 .rom the o11osite si+e o. the river a ri.le shot ring
out2
3he 10gmies are right on to1 o. us6 but another ri.le shot ring out an the0 turn tail an run
back into the ;ungle2 @e be lookin across the river an lo an behole on the other bank the0
is a cou1le o. .ellers /earin bush ;ackets an them /hite 1ith helmets like 0ou use+ to see
in -amar o. the )ungle 2 3he0 ste1 into a canoe an be 1a++lin to/ar+s us6 an as the0 get
closer6 I seen one o. them is got NDSD stam1e+ on his 1ith helmet2 @e is .inall0
rescue+2
@hen the canoe reach our shore6 the gu0 /ith NDSD stam1e+ on his helmet get out an
come u1 to us2 <e go right u1 to ole Sue an stick out his han an sa06 =*ister ,um16 I
1resume>=
=@here the .uck has 0ou assholes been>= hollare+ *a;or (ritch2 =@e been stran+e+ in
the ;ungle nearl0 .our go++amn 0earsE=
=Sorr0 bout that6 ma7am6= the .eller sa06 =but /e has got our 1riorities6 too6 0ou kno/2=
Dn0/a06 /e is at last save+ .rom a .ate /orse than +eath6 an the0 loa+e+ us u1 in the
canoe an starte+ 1a++lin us +o/nriver2 Cne o. the .ellers sa06 =@ell .olks6 civiliFation is
;ust aroun the corner2 I reckon 0ou7ll all be able to sell 0our stories to a magaFine an
make a .ortune2=
=Sto1 the canoeE= *a;or (ritch su++enl0 call out2
3he .ellers look at one another6 but the0 1a++le the canoe over to the bank2
=I have ma+e a +ecision6= *a;or (ritch sa02 =(or the .irst time in m0 li.e6 I have .oun+ a
man that trul0 un+erstan+s me6 an I am not going to let him go2 (or nearl0 .our 0ears6
,rurck an I have live+ ha11il0 in this lan+6 an I have +eci+e+ to sta0 here /ith him2 @e
/ill go o.. in the ;ungle an make a ne/ li.e .or oursel.s6 an raise a .amil0 an live ha11il0
ever a.ter2=
=But this man is a cannibal6= one o. the .ellers sa02
=Eat 0our heart out6 buster6= sa0s *a;or (ritch6 an she an ,rurck get out o. the canoe an
start back into the ;ungle again6 han in han2 )us be.ore the0 +isa11eare+6 *a;or (ritch
turn aroun an give Sue an me a little /ave6 an then o.. the0 go2
I looke+ back to the en+ o. the canoe6 an ole Sue is settin there t/istin his .ingers2
=@ait a minute6= I sa0s to the .ellers2 I go back an set +o/n on the seat ne5 to Sue an
sa06 =@hat 0ou thinkin bout>=
Sue ain7t sa0in nothin6 but the0 is a little bitt0 tear in his e0e6 an I kno/e+ then /hat /as
bout to ha11en2 <e gra11e+ me aroun the shoul+ers in a big hug6 an then lea1e+ out o.
the boat an ran u1 a tree on the shore2 Last /e seen o. him6 he is s/ingin a/a0 thru the
;ungle on a vine2
3he .eller .rom NDSD be shakin his hea+2 =@ell6 /hat about 0ou6 numbnuts> Aou gonna
.ollo/ 0our .rien+s there into BonFolan+>=
I looke+ a.ter them .or a minute6 then I sai+6 =?h6 uh6= an set back +o/n in the canoe2
@ile the0 /as 1a++lin us a/a06 +on7t 0ou believe I +i+n7t think bout it .or a moment2 But
I ;us coul+n7t +o it2 I reckon I got other /eenies to roast2
3he0 .lo/n me back to Dmerica an tole me on the /a0 ho/ there /as to be a big
/elcome home rece1tion .or me6 but seems like I have hear+ that be.ore2
Sure enough tho6 soon as /e lan+e+ in @ashington bout a million 1eo1le /as on han6
cheerin an cla11in an actin like the0 is gla+ to see me2 3he0 +rove me into to/n in the
back seat o. a big ole black car an sai+ the0 /as takin me to the @hite <ouse to see the
Presi+ent2 Ae16 I been there be.ore too2
@ell6 /hen /e get to the @hite <ouse6 I7m e51ectin to see the same ole Presi+ent /hat
.e+ me break.ast an let me /atch =3he Beverl0 <illbillies6= but the0 is got a ne/
Presi+ent no/.eller /ith his hair all slicke+ back6 1u..0 little cheeks an a nose look like
Pinocchio7s2
=3ell me no/6= this Presi+ent sa06 =+i+ 0ou have an e5citing tri1>=
D .eller in a suit stan+in ne5t to the Presi+ent lean over an /his1er somethin to him6 an
su++enl0 the Presi+ent sa06 =Ch6 ah6 accuall0 /hat I meant /as6 ho/ great it is that 0ou
have esca1e+ .rom 0our or+eal in the ;ungle2=
3he .eller in the suit /his1er somethin else to the Presi+ent6 an he sa0 to me6 =Er6 no/
/hat about 0our com1anion>=
=Sue>= I sa02
=@as that her name>= No/ he be lookin at a little car+ in his han2 =Sa0s here it /as a
*a;or )anet (ritch6 an+ that even as 0ou /ere being rescue+ she /as +ragge+ o.. into the
;ungle b0 a cannibal2=
=@here it sa0 that>= I a5e+2
=-ight here6= the Presi+ent sa02
=3hat7s not so6= I sa0s2
=Dre 0ou suggesting I am a liar>= sa0 the Presi+ent2
=I7m ;us sa0in it ain7t so6= I sa0s2
=No/ look here6= sa0 the Presi+ent6 =I am 0our comman+er in chie.2 I am not a crook2 I
+o not lieE=
=I am ver0 sorr06= I sa0s6 =but it ain7t the truth bout *a;or (ritch2 Aou ;us take that o.. a
car+6 but=
=3a1eE= the Presi+ent shout2
=<uh>= I sa0s2
=No6 no6= sa0s the .eller in the suit2 =<e sai+ 7take7 not 7ta1e7*ister Presi+ent2=
=3DPEE= scream the Presi+ent2 =I tol+ 0ou never to mention that /or+ in m0 1resence
againE Aou are all a bunch o. +islo0al :ommunist s/ines2= 3he Presi+ent be 1oun+in
hisse. on the knee /ith his .ist2
=None o. 0ou un+erstan+2 I +on7t kno/ an0thing bout an0thingE I never hear+ o.
an0thingE Dn+ i. I +i+6 I either .orgot it6 or it is to1 secretE=
=But *ister Presi+ent6= sa0 the .eller in the suit6 =he +i+n7t sa0 it2 <e onl0 sai+=
=No/ 0ou are calling me a liarE= he sa02 =Aou7re .ire+E=
=But 0ou can7t .ire me6= the .eller sa02 =I am the Hice Presi+ent2=
=@ell6 1ar+on me .or sa0ing so6= sa0s the Presi+ent6 =but 0ou are never going to make
Presi+ent i. 0ou go aroun calling 0our comman+er in chie. a liar2=
=No6 I guess 0ou7re right6= sa0 the Hice Presi+ent2 =I beg 0our 1ar+on2=
=No6 I beg 0ours6= the Presi+ent sa02
=@hatever6= sa0 the Hice Presi+ent6 kin+a .i++lin /ith hisse.2 =I. 0ou /ill all e5cuse me
no/6 I have to go 1ee2=
=3hat7s the .irst sensible i+ea I have hear+ all +a06= sa0 the Presi+ent2 3hen he turn to me
an a5e6 =Sa06 aren7t 0ou the same .ello/ that 1la0e+ 1ing1ong an+ save+ the li.e o. ol+
:hairman *ao>=
I sa0s6 =Au16= an the Presi+ent sa06 =@ell /hat +i+ 0ou /ant to +o a thing like that .or>=
Dn I sa0s6 =:ause he /as +ro/nin6= an the Presi+ent sa06 =Aou shoul+ have hel+ him
un+er6 instea+ o. saving him2 Dn0/a06 it7s histor0 no/6 because the son o. a bitch +ie+
/hile 0ou /ere a/a0 in the ;ungle2=
=Aou got a tv set>= I a5e+2
3he Presi+ent look at me kin+ o. .unn02 =Aeah6 I have one6 but I +on7t /atch it much
these +a0s2 3oo much ba+ ne/s2=
=Aou ever /atch 73he Beverl0 <illbillies7>= I sa02
=It7s not on 0et6= he sa02
=@hat is>= I a5e+2
= 73o 3ell the 3ruth7but 0ou +on7t /ant to look at thatit7s a bunch o. shit2= 3hen he sa06
=Look here6 I have a meeting to go to6 /h0 +on7t I /alk 0ou to the +oor>= @hen /e get
outsi+e on the 1orch6 an the Presi+ent sa0 in a ver0 lo/ voice6 =Listen6 0ou /ant to bu0 a
/atch>=
I sa06 =<uh>= an he ste1 over close to me an shove u1 the sleeve on his suit an lo an
behole he must o. ha+ t/ent0 or thirt0 /rist/atches aroun his arm2
=I ain7t got no mone06= I sa0s2
3he Presi+ent6 he roll +o/n his sleeve an 1at me on the back2 =@ell6 0ou come back
/hen 0ou +o an+ /e7ll /ork something out6 oka0>=
<e shook m0 han an a bunch o. 1hotogra1hers come u1 an start takin our 1icher an then
I7m gone2 But I7ll sa0 this6 that Presi+ent seem like a nice .eller a.ter all2
Dn0ho/6 I7m /on+erin /hat the0 gonna +o /ith me no/6 but I +on7t have to /on+er
long2
It took bout a +a0 or so .or things to 9uiet +o/n6 an the0 ha+ 1ut me u1 in a hotel6 but
then a cou1le o. .ellers come in one a.ternoon an sa06 =Listen here6 ,um16 the .ree ri+e7s
over2 3he government ain7t 1a0in .or none o. this an0more0ou7re on 0our o/n no/2=
=@ell6 oka06= I sa06 =but ho/ bout givin me a little travelin mone0 to get home on2 I7m
kin+a light right no/2=
=(orget it6 ,um16= the0 sa02 =Aou is luck0 not to be in ;ail .or conkin the :lerk o. the
Senate on the hea+ /ith that me+al2 @e +one 0ou a .avor to get 0ou o.. that ra1but /e
is /ashin our hans o. 0our ass as o. right no/2=
So I ha+ to leave the hotel2 Since I ain7t got no things to 1ack6 it /a+n7t har+6 an I ;ust
/ent out on the street2 I /alke+ a /ile6 +o/n 1ast the @hite <ouse /here the Presi+ent
live6 an to m0 su1rise the0 is a /hole bunch o. 1eo1le out .ront got on rubber masks o.
the Presi+ent7s .ace an the0 is carr0in some kin+ o. signs2 I .igger he must be 1lease+ to
be so 1o1ular /ith everbo+02
1#
Even tho the0 sai+ the0 /oul+n7t give me no mone06 one o. the .ellers +i+ loan me a
+ollar be.ore I le. the hotel2 (irst chance I got6 I 1hone+ home to the 1o house /here m0
mama /as sta0in to let her kno/ I7m oka02 But one o. them nuns sa0s6 =@e ain7t got no
*rs2 ,um1 here no longer2=
@hen I a5e+ /here she /as6 the nun sa06 =4unnoshe +one run o.. /ith some
1rotestant2= I thanke+ her an hange+ u1 the 1hone2 In a /a06 I7m sort o. relieve+2 Dt least
mama +one run o.. /ith somebo+0 6 an ain7t in the 1o house no more2 I .igger I got to
.in+ her6 but to tell the truth6 I ain7t in no big hurr06 cause sure as it7s gonna rain6 she7ll be
ba/lin an hollerin an .ussin at me on account o. I le. home2
It +i+ rain2 -aine+ cats an +ogs an I .oun me a a/nin to stan+ un+er till some gu0 come
out an run me o..2 I /as soakin /et an col+ an /alkin 1ast some government buil+in in
@ashington /hen I seen a big ole 1lastic garbage bag settin in the mi++le o. the
si+e/alk2 )ust as I get close to it6 the bag commence+ to move a little bit6 like there is
somethin in thereE
I sto11e+ an /ent u1 to the bag an nu+ge+ it a little /ith m0 toe2 Su++enl0 the bag ;um1
bout .our .eet back an a voice come out .rom un+er it6 sa06 =,it the .uck a/a0 .rom meE=
=@ho is that in there>= I a5e+6 an the voice sa0 back6 =3his is m0 grate0ou go .in+ 0our
o/n2=
=@hat 0ou talkin bout>= I sa02
=*0 grate6= the voice sa02 =,it o.. m0 grateE=
=@hat grate>= I a5e+2
Dll o. a su++en the bag li.t u1 a little an a .eller7s hea+ 1eek out6 s9uintin u1 at me like
I7m some kin+a i+iot2
=Aou ne/ in to/n or somethin>= the .eller sa0s2
=Sort o.6= I ans/ere+2 =I7m ;us tr0in to get outta the rain2=
3he .eller un+er the bag is 1rett0 sorr0lookin6 hal. bal+hea+e+6 ain7t shave+ in months6
e0es all re+ an bloo+shot an most o. his teeth gone2
=@ell6= he sa06 =in that case I reckon it oka0 .or a little /ilehere2= <e reach u1 an han
me another garbage bag6 all .ol+e+ u12
=@hat I7m s1ose+ to +o /ith this>= I a5e+2
=C1en it u1 an git un+er it6 0ou +amn .ool0ou sai+ 0ou /ante+ to git outta the rain2= Dn
then he 1ull his bag back +o/n over hisse.2
@ell6 I +i+ /hat he sai+6 an to tell 0ou the truth6 it /a+n7t so ba+6 reall02 3he0 /as some
hot air comin u1 outta the grate an it make the bag all /arm an coF0 insi+e an ke1 o..
the rain2 @e be s9uattin si+eb0si+e on the grate /ith the bags over us an a.ter a /ile
the .eller sa0s over to me6 =@hat7s 0our name an0/a0>=
=(orrest6= I sa0s2
=Aeah> I kne/ a gu0 name+ (orrest once2 Longtime ago2=
=@hat7s 0our name>= I a5e+2
=4an6= he sa02
=4an> 4an> he06 /ait a minute6= I sa0s2 I tho/e+ o.. m0 garbage bag an /ent an li.te+
u1 the bag o.. the .eller an it /as himE Din7t got no legs6 an he is settin on a little /oo+
cart /ith rollerskate /heels on the bottom2 *ust o. age+ t/ent0 0ears6 an I coul+ har+l0
recogniFe him2 But it /as him2 It /as ole Lieutenant 4anE
D.ter he ha+ got out o. the Drm0 hos1ital6 4an /ent back to :onnecticut to tr0 to get
back his ole ;ob teachin histor02 But the0 /a+n7t no histor0 ;ob available6 so the0 ma+e
him teach math2 <e hate+ math6 an besi+es6 the math class /as on the secont .loor o. the
school an he ha+ a hell o. a time makin it u1 the stairs /ith no legs an all2 Dlso6 his /i.e
+one run o.. /ith a tv 1ro+ucer that live+ in Ne/ Aa/k an she sue+ him .or +ivorce on
groun+s o. =incom1atibilit02=
<e took to +rinkin an lost his ;ob an ;us +i+n7t +o nothin .or a /ile2 3hieves robbe+ his
house o. everthin he ha+ an the arti.icial legs the0 ha+ give him at the HD hos1ital /ere
the /rong siFe2 D.ter a .e/ 0ears6 he sai+6 he ;us =give u16= an took to livin like a bum2
3here7s a little mone0 ever month .rom his +isabilit0 1ension6 but most o. the time he ;us
give it a/a0 to the other bums2
=I +unno6 (orrest6= he sa06 =I guess I7m ;us /aitin to +ie or somethin2=
4an han me a .e/ bucks an sa0 to go aroun the corner an git us a cou1le o. bottles o.
-e+ 4agger /ine2 I ;us got one bottle tho6 an use+ the mone0 .or mine to git one o. them
rea+0ma+e samb/iches6 cause I ain7t ha+ nothin to eat all +a02
=@ell6 ol+ 1al6= 4an sa0 a.ter he has 1olishe+ o.. hal. his /ine6 =tell me /hat 0ou been
+oin since I sa/ 0ou last2=
So I +i+2 I tole him about goin to :hina an 1la0in 1ing1ong6 an .in+in )enn0 :urran
again6 an 1la0in in 3he :racke+ Eggs ban+ an the 1eace +emonstration /here I tho/e+
m0 me+al a/a0 an got 1ut in ;ail2
=Aeah6 I remember that one all right2 I think I /as still here in the hos1ital2 I thought
bout going +o/n there m0se.6 but I guess I /oul+n7t have tho/e+ m0 me+als a/a02
Look here6= he sa02 <e unbutton his ;acket an insi+e6 on his shirt6 is all his me+als
Pur1le <eart6 Silver Starmust o. been ten or t/elve o. them2
=3he0 remin+ me o. somethin6= he sai+2 =I7m not 9uite sure /hatthe /ar6 o. course6 but
that7s ;us a 1art o. it2 I have su..ere+ a loss6 (orrest6 .ar greater than m0 legs2 It7s m0
s1irit6 m0 soul6 i. 0ou /ill2 3here is onl0 a blank there no/me+als /here m0 soul use+
to be2=
=But /hat about the 7natural la/s7 that7s in charge o. everthin>= I a5e him2 =@hat about
the 7scheme o. things7 that /e has all got to .it oursel. into>=
=(uck all that6= he sa02 =It /as ;ust a bunch o. 1hiloso1hic bullshit2=
=But ever since 0ou tole it to me6 that7s /hat I been goin b02 I been lettin the 7ti+e7 carr0
me an tr0in to +o m0 best2 4o the right thing2=
=@ell6 ma0be it /orks .or 0ou6 (orrest2 I thought it /as /orking .or me toobut look at
me2 )ust look at me6= he sa02 =@hat goo+ am I> I7m a go++amn legless .reak2 D bum2 D
+runkar+2 D thirt0.ive0earol+ vagrant2=
=It coul+ be /orse6= I sa0s2
=Ch 0eah> <o/>= he sa06 an I reckon he got me there6 so I .inishe+ tellin him bout
m0se.gettin tho/e+ in the loon0 bin an then bein shot u1 in the rocket an lan+in +o/n
/ith the cannibals an bout ole Sue an *a;or (ritch an the 10gmies2
=@ell m0 ,o+6 (orrest m0 bo06 0ou sure as hell have ha+ some a+ventures6= 4an sa02
=So ho/ come 0ou are sittin here /ith me on the grates un+er a garbage bag>=
=I +unno6= I sa0s6 =but I ain7t 1lannin to sta0 here long2=
=@hat 0ou got in min+ then>=
=Soon as this rain sto1s6= I sa06 =I7m gonna get o.. m0 big .at butt an go lookin .or )enn0
:urran2=
=@here is she>=
=4unno that either6= I sa0s6 =but I7ll .in+ out2=
=Soun+s like 0ou might nee+ some hel16= he sa02
I look over at 4an an his e0es is gleamin .rom behin his bear+2 Somethin is tellin me he
is the one nee+s some he16 but that7s oka0 /ith me2
Cle 4an an me6 /e /ent to a mission .lo1house that night on account o. it +i+n7t sto1
rainin6 an 4an6 he 1ai+ them .i.t0 cents a1iece .or our su11ers an a 9uarter .or our be+s2
Aou coul+ o. got su11er .ree .or settin an listenin to a sermon or somesuch6 but 4an sa0
he7+ slee1 out in the rain a.ore /astin our 1recious time hearin a Biblethum1er give us
his vie/ o. the /orl+2
Ne5t mornin 4an loane+ me a +ollar an I .oun a 1a0 1hone an calle+ u1 to Boston to ole
*ose6 that use+ to be the +rummer .or 3he :racke+ Eggs2 Sure enough6 he still there in
his 1lace6 an is +amn su1rise+ to hear .rom me2
=(orrestI +on7t believe itE= *ose sa02 =@e ha+ given 0our ass u1 .or lostE=
3he :racke+ Eggs6 he sa0s6 have broken u12 Dll the mone0 that *ister (eeblestein have
1romise+ them is eaten u1 b0 e51enses or somethin6 an a.ter the secont recor+ the0
+i+n7t get no more contracts2 *ose sa0 1eo1le is listenin to a ne/ kin+ o. music no/
-ollin Stone+7s or the Iggles or somethinan most o. the .ellers in 3he :racke+ Eggs is
gone some1lace an .oun real ;obs2
)enn06 *ose sa06 is not been hear+ o. in a long /ile2 D.ter she ha+ gone +o/n to
@ashington .or the 1eace +emonstration /here I /as arreste+6 she /ent back /ith 3he
:racke+ Eggs .or a .e/ months6 but *ose sa0 somethin in her ;us /a+n7t the same2 Cne
time he sa06 she broke u1 cr0in on the stage an the0 ha+ to 1la0 a instrumental to get thru
the set2 3hen she starte+ +rinkin vo+ka an sho/in u1 late .or 1er.ormances an the0 /as
bout to s1eak to her bout it /hen she ;us +one u1 an 9uit2
*ose sa0 he 1ersonall0 .eel her behavior has somethin to +o /ith me6 but she never
/oul+ talk bout it2 She move+ out o. Boston a cou1le o. /eeks later6 sa0in she /as goin
to :hicago6 an that is the last he seen o. her in nearl0 .ive 0ears2
I a5e+ i. he kne/ an0 /a0 .or me to reach her6 an he sa0 ma0be he have a ole number
she give him ;us be.ore she le.2 <e leave the 1hone an come back a .e/ minutes later an
give the number to me2 Cther than that6 he sa06 =I ain7t got a clue2=
I tole him to take care6 an i. I ever get u1 to Boston I /ill look him u12
=Aou still 1la0in 0our harmonica>= *ose a5e+2
=Aeah6 sometimes6= I sa02
I /ent an borro/e+ another +ollar .rom 4an an calle+ the number in :hicago2
=)enn0 :urran)enn0>= a gu07s voice sa02 =Ch6 0eahI remember her2 Nice little 1iece o.
ass2 Been a long time2=
=Aou kno/ /here she7s at>=
=In+iana1olis is /here she sa0 she /as goin /hen she le. here2 @ho kno/s> ,ot hersel.
a ;ob at 3em1erer2=
=Dt /hat>=
=3em1ererthe tire .actor02 Aou kno/6 the0 make tires.or cars2=
I thank the gu0 an /ent back an tole 4an2
=@ell6= he sa06 =I never been to In+iana1olis2 <ear+ it7s nice there in the .all2=
@e starte+ tr0in to thumb a ri+e out o. @ashington6 but +i+n7t have no luck to s1eak o.2
D gu0 gave us a ri+e to the cit0 limits on the back o. a brick truck6 but a.ter that6 nobo+0
+i+n7t /ant to 1ick us u12 I guess /e /as too .unn0lookin or somethin4an settin on his
little roller +oll0 an m0 big ole ass stan+in ne5 to him2 Dn0ho/6 4an sa0 /h0 +on7t /e
take a bus6 cause he7s got enough mone0 .or that2 3o tell 0ou the truth6 I .elt ba+ about
takin his mone06 but someho/ I .iggere+ that he /ante+ to go6 an+ it /oul+ be goo+ to
get him outta @ashington too2
Dn so /e caught a bus to In+iana1olis an I 1ut 4an in the seat ne5 to me an sto/e+ his
little cart in the shel. u1 above2 Dll the /a0 there he be sluggin +o/n -e+ 4agger /ine
an sa0in /hat a shitt0 1lace the /orl+ is to live in2 *a0be he7s right2 I +on7t kno/2 I7m
;ust a i+iot an0ho/2
3he bus le.t us o.. in the mi++le o. In+iana1olis an 4an an me is stan+in on the street
tr0in to .igger out /hat to +o ne5 /hen a 1oliceman come u1 an sa06 =Din7t no loiterin
on the street6= an so /e move+ on2 4an a5e+ a .eller /here is the 3em1erer 3ire
:om1an0 an it is /a0 outsi+e o. to/n so /e starte+ hea+in in that +irection2 D.ter a /ile
there ain7t no si+e/alks an 4an can7t 1ush his little cart along6 so I 1icke+ him u1 un+er
one arm an+ the cart un+er the other an /e ke1 on goin2
Bout noon6 /e see+ a big sign sa0 =3em1erer 3ires6= an .igger this be the 1lace2 4an sa0
he /ill /ait outsi+e an I go on in an the0 is a /oman at the +esk an I a5e+ i. I coul+ see
)enn0 :urran2 @oman look at a list an sa0 )enn0 is /orkin in =retrea+s6= but ain7t
nobo+0 allo/e+ to go there ce1t7n i. the0 /orks in the 1lant2 @ell6 I7m ;ust stan+in there6
tr0in to +eci+e /hat to +o6 an the /oman sa06 =Look6 hone06 the0 is bout to get a lunch
break in a minute or so6 /h0 +on7t 0ou go roun to the si+e o. the buil+in2 Probl0 she7ll
come out6= so that7s /hat I +i+2
3he0 /as a lot o. .olks come out an then6 all b0 herse.6 I seen )enn0 /alk thru a +oor an
go over to a little s1ot un+er a tree an 1ull a samb/ich out o. a 1a1er bag2 I /ent over an
sort o. cree1e+ behin her6 an she7s settin on the groun6 an I sa0s6 =3hat shore look like a
tast0 samb/ich2= She +i+n7t even look u12 She ke1 starin right ahea+6 an sa06 =(orrest6 it
has to be 0ou2=
1'
@ell6 let me tell 0outhat /ere the ha11iest reunion o. m0 li.e2 )enn0 is cr0in an huggin
me an I7m +oin the same an everbo+0 else in retrea+s is stan+in there /on+erin /hat is
goin on2 )enn0 sa0 she is o.. /ork in bout three hours6 an .or me an 4an to go over to
this little tavern across the street an have a beer or somethin an /ait .or her2 3hen she
/ill take us to her 1lace2
@e go to the tavern an 4an is +rinkin some -i11le /ine on account o. the0 got no -e+
4agger6 but he sa0 -i11le is better an0ho/ cause it got a nicer =bou9uet2=
Bunch o. other .ellers is in there too6 1la0in +arts an +rinkin an arm rasslin each other at
a table2 Cne big ole gu0 seem to be the bes arm rassler o. the tavern6 an ever once in a
/ile some .eller /oul+ come u1 an tr0 to beat him but coul+n7t2 3he0 be bettin on it too6
.ive an ten +ollars a /hack2
D.ter a little bit6 4an /his1er over to me6 =(orrest6 0ou think 0ou coul+ beat that big
boFo over there at arm rasslin>= Dn I sa0 I +unno6 an 4an sa06 =@ell6 here7s .ive bucks6
cause I7m bettin 0ou can2=
So I go u1 an sa0 to the .eller6 =@oul+ 0ou mine i. I set +o/n an arm rassle /ith 0ou>=
<e look u1 at me6 smilin6 an sa06 =Long as 0ou got mone06 0ou is /elcome to tr02=
So I set +o/n an /e gra11e+ each other7s hans an somebo+0 sa06 =,oE= an the rassle is
on2 Cther .eller be gruntin an strainin like a +og tr0in to shit a 1each see+6 but in about
ten secons I ha+ smushe+ his arm +o/n on the table an /hi11e+ him at arm rasslin2 Dll
the other .ellers ha+ come gatherin aroun the table an /ere goin =oooh= an =ahh= an I
coul+ hear ole 4an shoutin an cheerin2
@ell6 the other .eller ain7t none too ha110 but he 1ai+ me .ive +ollars an got u1 .rom the
table2
=*0 elbo/ sli11e+6= he sa06 =but ne5 time 0ou come back here I /ant to have a go at
0ou again6 hear>= I no++e+ an /ent back to the table 4an /as at an give him the mone02
=(orrest6= he sa06 =/e ma0 have .oun a eas0 /a0 to make oursel.s some brea+2= I a5e+
4an i. I coul+ have a 9uarter to git me a 1ickle+ egg .rom the ;ar on the counter6 an he
han me a +ollar an sa06 =Aou git an0thing 0ou /ant6 (orrest2 @e is no/ got a /a0 to earn
a livel0hoo+2=
D.ter /ork6 )enn0 come over to the tavern an take us to her 1lace2 She is livin in a little
a1artment not too .ar .rom the 3em1erer 3ire :om1an0 an has got it all .i5e+ u1 nice
/ith things like stu..e+ animals an strings o. colore+ bea+s hangin .rom the be+room
+oor2 @e /ent out to a grocer0 an bought some chicken an )enn0 cooke+ su11er .or 4an
an me an I tole her all that ha+ ha11ene+ since I seen her last2
*ostl06 she is curious about *a;or (ritch6 but /hen I sa0 she run o.. /ith a cannibal6
)enn0 seeme+ more rela5e+ bout it2 She sa0 li.e has not e5actl0 been a bo/l o. cherries
.or her either +urin the 1ast .e/ 0ears2
D.ter she le. 3he :racke+ Eggs6 )enn0 +one gone to :hicago /ith this girl she met in
the 1eace movement2 3he0 ha+ +emonstrate+ in the streets an got tho/e+ in ;ail a bunch
o. times an )enn0 sa0 she is .inall0 gettin tire+ o. havin to a11ear in court an besi+es6
she is concerne+ that she is +evelo1in a long 1olice recor+2
Dn0ho/6 she is livin in this house /ith about .i.teen 1eo1le an she sa0s the0 is not
e5actl0 her t01e o. 1ersons2 4i+n7t /ear no un+er/ear or nothin6 an nobo+0 .lushe+ the
toilets2 She an this gu0 +eci+e+ to take an a1artment together6 cause he +i+n7t like /here
the0 /as livin neither6 but that +i+n7t /ork out2
=Aou kno/6 (orrest6= she sa06 =I even trie+ to .all in love /ith him6 but I ;us coul+n7t
because I /as thinkin o. 0ou2=
She ha+ /rote to her mama an a5e+ her to get in touch /ith m0 mama to tr0 an .in+ out
/here I /as bein ke1t6 but her mama /rite her back sa0in our house +one burnt u1 an
m0 mama is no/ livin in the 1o house6 but b0 the time the letter get to )enn06 *ama
+one alrea+0 run o.. /ith the 1rotestant2
Dn0ho/6 )enn0 sai+ she +i+n7t have no mone0 an so she hear+ the0 is hirin 1eo1le at the
tire com1an0 an she come +o/n to In+iana1olis to get a ;ob2 Bout that time she seen on
the television that I am bout to be launche+ into s1ace6 but the0 is no time .or her to get
+o/n to <ouston2 She sa0 she /atche+6 =/ith horror6= as m0 s1aceshi1 crashe+6 an she
give me u1 .or +ea+2 Ever since6 she ;us been 1uttin in her time makin retrea+s2
I took her an hole her in m0 arms an /e sta0e+ like that .or a /ile2 4an rolle+ hisse. into
the bathroom6 sa0 he7s got to take a 1ee2 @hen he7s in there6 )enn0 a5e ho/ he gonna +o
that6 an +on7t he nee+ he1> an I sa06 =No6 I seen him +o it be.ore2 <e can manage2=
She shake her hea+ an sa06 =3his is /here the Hietnam @ar have got us2=
3here ain7t much +is1utin that either2 It is a sa+ an sorr0 s1ectacle /hen a nolegge+ man
have got to 1ee in his hat an then +um1 it over into the toilet2
3he three o. us settle into )enn07s little a1artment a.ter that2 )enn0 .i5e+ u1 4an a 1lace
in a corner o. the livin room /ith a little mattress an she ke1 a ;ar on the bathroom .loor
so he /oul+n7t have to use his hat2 Ever mornin she7+ go o.. to the tire com1an0 an 4an
an me /oul+ set aroun the house an talk an then go +o/n to the little tavern near /here
)enn0 /orke+ to /ait till she got o..2
(irst /eek /e starte+ +oin that6 the gu0 I beat arm rasslin /ante+ a chance to git back
his .ive bucks an I gave it to him2 <e trie+ t/o or three times more an in the en+ lost
bout t/ent0.ive +ollars an a.ter that he +i+n7t come back no more2 But the0 /as al/a0s
some other .eller /ante+ to tr0 his luck an a.ter a month or t/o the0 /as gu0s comin
.rom all over to/n an .rom other little to/ns too2 4an an me6 /e is 1ullin in bout a
hun+rit .i.t0 or t/o hun+rit +ollars a /eek6 /hich /eren7t ba+6 let me tell 0ou2 Dn the
o/ner o. the tavern6 he is sa0in he gonna hole a national contest6 an git the tv there an
everthing2 But be.ore that ha11en6 another thing come along that change+ m0 li.e .or
sure2
Cne +a0 a .eller come into the tavern that /as /earin a /hite suit an a <i/aian shirt an
a lot o. gol+ ;e/elr0 aroun his neck2 <e set u1 at the bar /ile I /as .inishin o.. some
gu0 at arm rasslin an then he come an set +o/n at our table2
=Name7s *ike6= he sa06 =an I have hear+ bout 0ou2=
4an a5e+ /hat has he hear+6 an *ike sa06 =3hat this .eller here is the strongest man in
the /orl+2=
=@hat o. it>= 4an sa0s6 an the .eller sa06 =I think I got a i+ea ho/ 0ou can make a hell o.
a lot more mone0 than this nickel an +ime shit 0ou7re +oin here2=
=<o/7s that>= 4an sa02
=-asslin6= sa0s *ike6 =but not this 1issant stu..I mean the real thing2 In a ring /ith
hun+rits o. thousan+s o. 1a0in customers2=
=-asslin /ho>= 4an a5e+2
=@hoever6= sa0s *ike2 =3he0 is a circuit o. 1ro.essional rasslers3he *aske+ *arvel6
3he Incre+ible <ulk6 ,eorgeous ,eorge6 (ilth0 *cS/ine0ou name em2 3he to1 gu0s
make a hun+rit6 t/o hun+rit thousan+ +ollars a 0ear2 @e7s start 0our bo0 here o.. slo/2
3each him some o. the hol+s6 sho/ him the ro1es2 @h06 I bet in no time he7+ be a big
starmake ever0bo+0 a 1ile o. mone02=
4an look at me6 sa06 =@hat 0ou think6 (orrest>=
=I +unno6= I sa0s2 =I /as kin+a thinkin bout goin back home an startin a little srim1
bi+ness2=
=Shrim1E= sa0s *ike2 =@h0 bo06 0ou can make .i.t0 times more mone0 +oing this than
shrim1inE 4on7t have to +o it all 0our li.e;ust a .e/ 0ears6 then 0ou7ll have something to
.all back on6 mone0 in the bank6 a nest egg2=
=*a0be I ought to a5e )enn06= I sa02
=Look6= *ike sa06 =I come here to o..er 0ou a chance o. a li.etime2 Aou +on7t /ant it6 ;us
sa0 so6 an I7ll be on m0 /a02=
=No6 no6= 4an sa02 3hen he turn to me2 =Listen6 (orrest6 some o. /hat this .eller sa0
make sense2 I mean6 ho/ else 0ou gonna earn enough mone0 to start a srim1 bi+ness>=
=3ell 0ou /hat6= *ike sa06 =0ou can even take 0our bu++0 here /ith 0ou2 <e can be
0our manager2 Dn0time 0ou /ant to 9uit6 0ou7re .ree to +o it2 @hat +o 0ou sa0>=
I thought bout it .or a minute or so2 Soun+e+ 1rett0 goo+6 but usuall0 the0 is some catch2
Nevertheless6 I o1en m0 big mouth an sa0 the .atal /or+: =Aes2=
@ell6 that7s ho/ I become a 1ro.essional rassler2 *ike ha+ his o..ice in a g0mnasium in
+o/nto/n In+iana1olis an ever +a0 me an 4an /oul+ catch the bus +o/n there so7s I
coul+ get taught the 1ro1er /a0 to rassle2
In a nutshell6 it /as this: nobo+0 is s1ose+ to get hurt6 but it s1ose+ to look like the0 +o2
3he0 be teachin me all sorts o. thingshal.nelsons6 the air1lane s1in6 the Boston crab6
the 1ile +river6 hammerlocks an all such as that2 Dlso6 the0 taught 4an ho/ to 0ell an
scream at the re.eree6 so as to cause the greatest commotion2
)enn0 is not too keen on the rasslin bi+ness on account o. she sa0 I might git hurt6 an
/hen I sa0 nobo+0 gits hurt cause it7s all 1uton6 she sa06 =3hen /hat7s the 1oint o. it>= It
is a goo+ 9uestion that I cannot rightl0 ans/er6 but I am lookin .o/ar+ to makin us some
mone0 an0ho/2
Cne +a0 the0 is tr0in to sho/ me somethin calle+ =the bell0 .lo16= /here I is s1ose+ to
go .l0in thru the air to lan on to1 o. somebo+0 but at the last minute he rolls a/a02 But
someho/6 I kee1 scre/in it u16 an t/o or three times I lan right on the .eller a.ore he gits
a chance to move out the /a02 (inall0 *ike come u1 into the ring an sa06 =)esus6
(orrest0ou some kin+ o. i+iot or somethinE Aou coul+ hurt somebo+0 that /a06 a big
ole moose like 0ouE=
Dn I sa0s6 =Ae1I am a i+iot6= an *ike sa06 =@hat 0ou mean>= an then 4an6 he sa0 .or
*ike to come over to him .or a secont an he s1lain somethin to him6 an *ike sa06 =,oo+
,o+E Is 0ou ki++in>= an 4an shake his hea+2 *ike look at me an shrug his shoul+ers an
sa06 =@ell6 I guess it takes all kin+s2=
Dn0/a06 bout a hour later *ike come runnin out o. his o..ice u1 to the ring /here 4an
an me is2
=I7ve got itE= he shoutin2
=,ot /hat>= 4an a5e+2
=<is nameE @e have to give (orrest a name to rassle un+er2 It ;ust came to me /hat it
is2=
=@hat might that be>= 4an sa02
=3he 4unceE= sa0s *ike2 =@e /ill +ress him u1 in +ia1ers an 1ut a big ole +unce ca1 on
his hea+2 3he cro/+ /ill love itE=
4an think .or a minute2 =I +unno6= he sa0s6 =I +on7t much like it2 Soun+s like 0ou are
tr0in to make a .ool out o. him2=
=It7s onl0 .or the cro/+6= *ike sa02 =<e has to have a gimmick o. some sort2 Dll the big
stars +o it2 @hat coul+ be better than 3he 4unceE=
=<o/ about callin him 3he S1aceman>= sa0 4an2 =3hat /oul+ be a11ro1riate2 <e coul+
/ear a 1lastic helmet an+ some antennas2=
=3he0 alrea+0 got somebo+0 calle+ 3he S1aceman6= *ike sa0s2
=I still +on7t like it6= 4an sa02 <e looks at me6 an a5e+6 =@hat 0ou think6 (orrest>=
=I +on7t reall0 give a shit6= I sa0s2
@ell6 that /as the /a0 it /as2 D.ter all them months o. trainin I am .inall0 bout to make
m0 +ebut as a rassler2 *ike come in to the g0m the +a0 be.ore the big match an he has a
bo5 /ith m0 +ia1er an a big ole black +unce ca12 <e sa0 to be back at the g0m at noon
tomorro/ so he can +rive us to m0 .irst rasslin match /hich is in *uncie2
3hat night /hen )enn0 get home I gone into the bathroom an 1ut on the +ia1er an the
+unce ca1 an come out into the livin room2 4an is settin on his little 1lat.orm cart
/atchin tv an )enn0 is rea+in a book2 Both o. them look u1 /hen I /alk thru the +oor2
=(orrest6 /hat on earth>= )enn0 sa0s2
=It7s his costume6= sa0 4an2
=It makes 0ou look like a .ool6= she sa02
=Look at it this /a06= 4an sa0s2 =It7s like he is in a 1la0 or somethin2=
=<e still looks like a .ool6= sa0s )enn02 =I can7t believe itE Aou7+ let them +ress him u1
like that an go out in 1ublic>=
=It7s onl0 to make mone06= 4an sa02 =3he0 got one gu0 calle+ 73he Hegetable7 that /ears
turni1 greens .or a ;ockstra1 an 1uts a hollo/e+out /atermelon over his hea+ /ith little
e0es cut out .or him to see thru2 Dnother gu0 calls himsel. 73he (air067 an has /ings on
his back an carries a /an+2 Sumbitch 1robl0 /eighs three hun+re+ 1oun+s0ou oughta
see him2=
=I +on7t care /hat the rest o. them +o6= )enn0 sa0s6 =I +on7t like this one bit2 (orrest6 0ou
go an get out o. that out.it2=
I gone on back to the bathroom an took o.. the costume2 *a0be )enn0 is right6 I7m
thinkinbut a .eller7s got to make a livin2 Dn0ho/6 it ain7t near as ba+ as the gu0 I got to
rassle tomorro/ night in *uncie2 <e calls hisse. =3he 3ur+6= an +resses in a big ole
bo+0 stockin that is 1ainte+ to look like a 1iece o. shit2 Lor+ kno/s /hat he gonna smell
like2
19
3he +eal in *uncie is this: I am to get /hu11e+ b0 the 3ur+2
*ike tell me that on our ri+e u1 there2 It seem that 3he 3ur+ has got =seniorit0= over me
an there.ore he is +ue .or a /in6 an bein that it7s m0 .irst a11earance6 it is necessar0 .or
me to be on the losin en+2 *ike sa0 he ;us /ant to tell me ho/ it is .rom the beginnin so
there /on7t be no har+ .eelins2
=3hat is re+iculous6= )enn0 sa06 =somebo+0 callin the0sel. 73he 3ur+27 =
=<e 1robl0 is one6= 4an sa06 tr0in to cheer her u12
=)ust remember6 (orrest6= *ike sa0s6 =it7s all .or sho/2 Aou can7t lose 0our tem1er2
Nobo+0 is to be hurt2 3he 3ur+ must /in2=
@ell6 /hen /e .inall0 git to *uncie6 the0 is a big ole au+itorium /here the rasslin is to
be helt2 Cne bout is alrea+0 in 1rogress3he Hegetable is rasslin a gu0 that calls hisse.
=3he Dnimal2=
3he Dnimal is hair0 as a a1e6 an is /earin a black mask over his e0es6 an the .irst thing
he +oes is to snatch o.. the hollere+out /atermelon that 3he Hegetable is got over his
hea+ an +ro1 kick it into the u11er bleachers2 Ne56 he gra11e+ 3he Hegetable b0 his
hea+ an ram him into the ring 1ost2 3hen he bite 3he Hegetable on the han2 I /as .eelin
kin+a sorr0 .or the 1o ole Hegetable6 but he got a .e/ tricks hisse.namel06 he reache+
+o/n into the collar+ green leaves he is /earin .or a ;ockstra1 an gra11e+ a han.ul o.
some kin+ o. shit an rub it in 3he Dnimal7s e0es2
3he Dnimal be bello/in an staggerin all over the ring rubbin his e0es to git the stu.. out6
an 3he Hegetable come u1 behin him an kick him in the ass2 3hen he tho/e+ 3he
Dnimal into the ro1es an /in+ them u1 aroun him so7s he can7t move an start to beatin
the hell outta 3he Dnimal2 3he cro/+ be booin 3he Hegetable an tho/in 1a1er cu1s an
stu.. at him an 3he Hegetable be givin them back the .inger2 I /as gettin kin+a curious
ho/ it /as gonna /in+ u16 but then *ike come u1 to me an 4an an sa0 .or us to go on
back into the +ressin room an get into m0 costume cause I7m on ne5 against 3he 3ur+2
D.ter I get into m0 +ia1ers an the +unce ca16 somebo+0 knock on the +oor an a5e6 =Is
3he 4unce in there>= an 4an sa06 =Aes6= an the .eller sa06 =Aou is on no/6 c7mon out6=
an o.. /e go2
3he 3ur+ is alrea+0 in the ring /hen I come +o/n the aisle /ith 4an 1ushin hisse. along
behin me2 3he 3ur+ is runnin aroun the ring makin .aces at the cro/+ an +amn i. he
+on7t actuall0 look somethin like a tur+ in that bo+0 stockin2 Dn0ho/6 I climbe+ u1 in
the ring an the re.eree get us together an sa06 =Cka06 bo0s6 I /ant a goo+ clean match
hereno gougin e0es or hittin belo/ the belt or bitin or scratchin or an0 kin+ o. shit like
that2 I no+ an sa06 =?hhuh6= an 3he 3ur+ be glarin at me .iercel02
@hen the bell rung6 me an 3he 3ur+ be circlin each other an he reache+ out /ith his .oot
to tri1 me but misse+ an I gra11e+ him b0 the shoul+ers an slung him into the ro1es2 It
/as then I .oun out he have grease+ hisse. u1 /ith some kin+a sli11er0 shit that make
him har+ to hol+ on to2 I trie+ to gra1 him aroun his /aist but he shot out .rom m0 hans
like a eel2 I took a holt o. his arm6 but he s9uishe+ a/a0 .rom that too6 an be grinnin an
laughin at me2
3hen he come runnin at me hea+ on to butt me in the stomach but I ste11e+ asi+e an 3he
3ur+ go .l0in thru the ro1es an lan+ in the .ront ro/2 Everbo+0 be booin an catcallin
him6 but he climbe+ on back u1 in the ring an brung /ith him a .ol+u1 chair2 <e start
chasin me aroun /ith the chair an since I got nothin to +e.en+ m0se. /ith6 I start to run
a/a02 But 3he 3ur+6 he hit me in the back /ith the chair6 an let me tell 0ou6 that hurt2 I
trie+ to get the chair a/a0 .rom him6 but he conke+ me on the hea+ /ith it6 an I /as in a
corner an there /a+n7t no 1lace to hi+e2 3hen he kicke+ me in the shin an /hen I ben+
over to hole m0 shin6 he kick me in the other shin2
4an is settin on the ring a1ron 0ellin at the re.eree to make 3he 3ur+ 1ut +o/n the chair6
but it ain7t +oin no goo+2 3he 3ur+ hit me .our or .ive times /ith the chair an knock me
+o/n an get on to1 o. me an gra1 m0 hair an start bangin m0 hea+ on the .loor2 3hen he
gra1 holt to m0 arm an begun t/istin m0 .ingers2 I look over at 4an an sa06 =@hat the
hell is this>= an 4an be tr0in to get thru the ring ro1es but *ike6 he stan+ u1 an 1ull 4an
back b0 his shirt collar2 3hen all o. a su++en the bell rung6 an I get to go to m0 corner2
=Listen6= I sa0s6 =this basti+ is tr0in to kill me6 beatin me on the hea+ /ith a chair an all2
I is gonna have to +o somethin bout it2=
=@hat 0ou is gonna +o is lose 6= *ike sa02 =<e ain7t tr0in to hurt 0ouhe is ;ust tr0in to
make it look goo+2=
=It sure +on7t .eel goo+6= I sa02
=)us sta0 in there .or a .e/ more minutes an then let him 1in 0ou +o/n6= *ike sa0s2
=-emember6 0ou is makin .ive hun+rit +ollars .or comin here an losinnot /innin2=
=<e hits me /ith that chair again6 I +on7t kno/ /hat I7m gonna +o6= I sa0s2 I am lookin
out in the au+ience an there is )enn0 lookin u1set an embarrasse+2 I am beginnin to think
this is not the right thing to +o2
Dn0ho/6 the bell rung again an out I go2 3he 3ur+ tr0 to gra1 me b0 the hair but I .lung
him o.. an he go s1innin into the ro1es like a to12 3hen I 1icke+ him u1 aroun the /aist
an li. him u1 but he sli+ out o. m0 gri1 an lan+ on his ass an be moanin an com1lainin
an rubbin his ass6 an the ne5 thing I kne/6 his manager +one han+e+ him one o. them
=1lumber7s hel1ers= /ith the rubber thing on the en+ an he commence to beat me on the
hea+ /ith that2 @ell6 I gra11e+ it a/a0 .rom him an buste+ it in t/o over m0 knee an
start goin a.ter him6 but I see *ike there6 shakin his hea+6 an so I let 3he 3ur+ come an
take holt o. m0 arm an t/ist it in a hammerlock2
3he sumbitch +amn near broke m0 arm2 3hen he shove+ me +o/n on the canvas an
begun to hit me in the back o. the hea+ /ith his elbo/2 I cou+ see *ike over there6
no++in an smilin his a11roval2 3he 3ur+ get o.. me an commence+ to kickin me in the
ribs an stomach6 then he got his chair again an /acke+ me over the hea+ /ith it eight or
nine times an .inall0 he knee+ me in the back an there /a+n7t a thing I cou+ +o bout it2
I ;us la0 there6 an he set on m0 hea+ an the re.eree counte+ to three an it /as s1ose+ to
be over2 3he 3ur+ get u1 an look +o/n at me an he s1it in m0 .ace2 It /as a/.ul an I
+i+n7t kno/ /hat else to +o6 an I ;us coul+n7t he1 it6 an I starte+ to cr02
3he 3ur+ /as 1rancin aroun the ring an then 4an come u1 an rolle+ himse. over to me
an starte+ /i1in m0 .ace /ith a to/el6 an ne5 thing I kne/6 )enn0 ha+ come u1 in the
ring too an /as huggin me an cr0in herse. an the cro/+ /as hollerin an 0ellin an
thro/in stu.. into the ring2
=:7mon6 let7s get outta here6= 4an sa06 an I got to m0 .eet an 3he 3ur+ be stickin out his
tongue at me an makin .aces2
=Aou is certainl0 correctl0 name+6= )enn0 sa0s to 3he 3ur+ as /e /as leavin the ring2
=3hat /as +isgrace.ul2=
She coul+ o. sai+ it bout both o. us2 I ain7t never .elt so humiliate+ in m0 li.e2
3he ri+e back to In+iana1olis /as 1rett0 a/k/ar+2 4an an )enn0 ain7t sa0in nothin much
an I am in the back seat all sore an skint u12
=3hat /as a +amn goo+ 1er.ormance 0ou 1ut on out there tonight6 (orrest6= *ike sa0s6
=es1eciall0 the cr0in at the en+cro/+ love+ itE=
=It /a+n7t no 1er.ormance6= 4an sa0s2
=Ch6 shucks6= *ike sa02 =Looksomebo+07s al/a0s got to lose2 I7ll tell 0ou /hatne5
time6 I /ill make sure (orrest /ins2 <o/7s that make 0ou .eel>=
=Cught not to be an0 7ne5 time67 = )enn0 sa0s2
=<e ma+e goo+ mone0 tonight6 +i+n7t he>= *ike sa02
=(ive hun+rit +ollars .or gettin the shit beat out o. him ain7t so goo+6= )enn0 sa0s2
=@ell it /as his .irst match2 3ell 0ou /hatne5 time6 I7ll make it si5 hun+rit2=
=<o/ about t/elve hun+rit>= 4an a5e+2
=Nine hun+rit6= *ike sa0s2
=<o/ bout lettin him /ear a bathin suit instea+ o. that +unce ca1 an +ia1ers>= sa0s
)enn02
=3he0 love+ it6= *ike sa0s2 =It7s 1art o. his a11eal2=
=<o/ /oul+ 0ou like to have to +ress u1 in somethin like that>= 4an sa0s2
=I ain7t a i+iot6= sa0s *ike2
=Aou shut the .uck u1 bout that6= 4an sa02
@ell6 *ike /as goo+ .or his /or+2 Ne5 time I rassle+6 it /as against a .eller calle+ =3he
<uman (l02= <e /as +resse+ u1 in somethin /ith a big 1ointe+ snout like a .l0 have6 an
a mask /ith big ole bugge+out e0es2 I got to tho/ him bout the ring an .inall0 set on his
hea+ an I collecte+ m0 nine hun+rit +ollars2 (urthermore6 everbo+0 in the cro/+ cheere+
/il+l0 an ke1 hollerin6 =@e /ant 3he 4unceE @e /ant 3he 4unceE= It /a+n7t such a ba+
+eal2
Ne56 I got to rassle 3he (air06 an the0 even let me bust his /an+ over his hea+2 D.ter
that6 the0 /as a hole bunch o. gu0s I come u1 against6 an 4an an me ha+ manage+ to
save u1 about .ive thousan +ollars .or the srim1 bi+ness2 But also let me sa0 this: I /as
gettin ver0 1o1ular /ith the cro/+s2 @omen /as /ritin me letters an the0 even begun to
sell +unce ca1s like mine as souvenirs2 Sometimes I7+ go into the ring an the0 /oul+ be
.i.t0 or a hun+rit 1eo1le settin there in the au+ience /earin +unce ca1s6 all cla11in an
cheerin an callin out m0 name2 Bin+a ma+e me .eel goo+6 0ou kno/>
*eantime6 me an )enn0 is gettin along .airl0 goo+ ce1t .or m0 rasslin career2 Ever night
/hen she get back to the a1artment /e cook oursel.s some su11er an her an me an 4an
set aroun in the livin room an 1lan bout ho/ /e gonna start the srim1 bi+ness2 3he /a0
/e .igger it6 /e is gonna go +o/n to Ba0ou La Batre6 /here 1o ole Bubba come .rom6
an get us some marsh lan+ o.. the ,ul. o. *e5ico some1lace2 @e has got to bu0 us some
mesh /ire an nets an a little ro/boat an somethin to .ee+ the srim1 /ile the0 gro/in6 an
the0 /ill be other things too2 4an sa0 /e has also got to be able to have us a 1lace to
live an bu0 groceries an stu.. /ile /e /ait .or our .irst 1ro.its an also have some /a0 to
git them to the market2 Dll tole6 he .iggers it is gonna take bout .ive thousan +ollars to
set everthing u1 .or the .irst 0eara.ter that6 /e /ill be on our o/n2
3he 1roblem I got no/ is /ith )enn02 She sa0 /e alrea+0 got the .ive thousan an so /h0
+on7t /e ;us go ahea+ an 1ack u1 an go +o/n there> @ell6 she have a 1oint there6 but to
be 1er.ectl0 truth.ul6 I ;us ain7t 9uite rea+0 to leave2
Aou see6 it ain7t reall0 been since /e 1la0e+ them Nebraska corn shucker ;acko..s at the
Crange Bo/l that I has reall0 .elt like I +one accom1lishe+ somethin2 *a0be .or a little
bit +urin the 1ing1ong games in -e+ :hina6 but that laste+ ;ust .or a .e/ /eeks2 But
no/6 0ou see6 ever Satur+a0 night ever /eek6 I am goin out there an hearin them cheer2
Dn the0 is cheerin me i+iot or not2
Aou shoul+ o. hear+ them cheer /hen I /hu11e+ 3he ,rosse Pointe ,rin+er6 /ho come
into the ring /ith hun+rit +ollar bills glue+ to his bo+02 Dn then the0 /as =D/esome Dl
.rom Dmarillo6= that I +one 1ut a Boston :rab hol+ on an /on m0se. the Eastern
4ivision cham1eenshi1 belt2 D.ter that6 I got to rassle )uno the ,iant6 /ho /eighe+ .our
hun+rit 1oun+s an +resse+ in a leo1ar+ skin an carrie+ a 1a1iermache club2
But one +a0 /hen )enn0 come home .rom /ork she sa06 =(orrest6 0ou an me has got to
have a talk2=
@e /ent outsi+e an took a /alk near a little creek an )enn0 .oun a 1lace to set +o/n6 an
then she sa06 =(orrest6 I think this rasslin business is gone .ar enough2=
=@hat 0ou mean>= I a5e+6 even though I kin+ o. kne/2
=I mean /e have got nearl0 ten thousan +ollars no/6 /hich is more than t/ice /hat 4an
sa0s /e nee+ to start the srim1 business2 Dn+ I am beginnin to /on+er ;us /h0 0ou are
continuin to go u1 there ever Satur+a0 night an make a .ool o. 0ourse.2=
=I ain7t makin no .ool o. m0se.6= I sa0s6 =I has got m0 .ans to think o.2 I am a ver0
1o1ular 1erson2 :ain7t ;us u1 an leave like that2=
=Bullshit6= )enn0 sa02 =@hat 0ou callin a 7.an67 an /hat 0ou mean b0 71o1ular7> 3hem
1eo1le is a bunch o. scre/balls to be 1a0in mone0 to /atch all that shit2 Bunch o. gro/n
men gettin u1 there in the0 ;ockstra1s an 1reten+in to hurt each other2 Dn /hoever hear+
o. 1eo1le callin the0sel.s 73he Hegetable67 or 73he 3ur+67 an such as thatan 0ou 6 callin
0ourse. 73he 4unce7E=
=@hat7s /rong /ith that>= I a5e+2
=@ell ho/ +o 0ou think it makes me .eel6 the .eller I7m in love /ith bein kno/n .ar an
/i+e as 73he 4unce67 an makin a s1ectacle o. hisse. ever /eekan on television6 tooE=
=@e get e5tra mone0 .or the television6= I sa0s2
=Scre/ the e5tra mone06= )enn0 sa0s2 =@e +on7t nee+ no e5tra mone0E=
=@hoever hear+ o. nobo+0 +i+n7t nee+ an0 e5tra mone0>= I sa02
=@e +on7t nee+ it that ba+6= )enn0 sa02 =I mean6 /hat I /ant is to .in+ a little 9uiet 1lace
.or us to be in an .or 0ou to get a res1ectable ;ob6 like the srim1 business.or us to get us
a little house ma0be an have a gar+en an ma0be a +og or somethinma0be even ki+s2 I
+one ha+ m0 share o. .ame /ith 3he :racke+ Eggs6 an it +i+n7t get me no/here2 I /a+n7t
ha1102 I7m +amne+ near thirt0.ive 0ears ol+2 I /ant to settle +o/n2222=
=Look6= I sa0s6 =it seem to me that I oughta be the one /hat sa0 i. I 9uit or not2 I ain7t
gonna +o this .orever;us till it is the right time2=
=@ell I ain7t gonna /ait aroun .orever6 neither6= )enn0 sa06 but I +i+n7t believe she meant
it2
%!
I ha+ a cou1le o. matches a.ter that an /on both o. them6 naturall06 an then *ike call
4an an me in his o..ice one +a0 an sa0s6 =Look here6 this /eek 0ou are gonna rassle 3he
Pro.essor2=
=@ho is that>= 4an a5e+2
=<e comes .rom :ali.ornia6= sa0s *ike6 =an is 1rett0 hot stu.. out there2 <e is runner u1
to the @estern 4ivision cham1ion2=
=Cka0 b0 me6= I sa02
=But there is ;ust one other thing6= sa0 *ike2 =3his time6 (orrest6 0ou got to lose2=
=Lose>= I sa0s2
=Lose6= sa0 *ike2 =Look6 0ou been /innin ever /eek .or months an months2 4on7t 0ou
see 0ou got to lose ever once in a /ile to kee1 u1 0our 1o1ularit0>=
=<o/ 0ou .igger that>=
=Sim1le2 Peo1le like a un+er+og2 *akes 0ou look better the ne5 time2=
=I +on7t like it6= I sa02
=<o/ much 0ou 1a0in>= 4an a5e+2
=3/o thousan2=
=I +on7t like it6= I sa0s again2
=3/o thousan7s a lot o. mone06= 4an sa02
=I still +on7t like it6= I sa0s2
But I took the +eal2
)enn0 is been actin sort o. 1eculiar latel06 but I 1ut it +o/n to nerves or somethin2 3hen
one +a0 she come home an sa06 =(orrest6 I7m at the en+ o. m0 ro1e2 Please +on7t go out
there an +o this2=
=I got to6= I sa0s2 =Dn0ho/6 I is gonna lose2=
=Lose>= she sa02 I s1lain it to her ;us like *ike s1lain it to me6 an she sa06 =D/e shit6
(orrest6 this is too much2=
=It7s m0 li.e6= I sa0s/hatever that meant2
Dn0/a06 a +a0 or so later6 4an come back .rom some1lace an sa0s him an me got to
have a talk2
=(orrest6 I think I got the solution to our 1roblems2=
I a5e+ /hat it /as2
=I think6= sa0s 4an6 =/e better be bailin out o. this business 1rett0 soon2 I kno/ )enn0
+on7t like it6 an i. /e are gonna start our srim1 thing6 /e best be on bout it2 But6= he sa06
=I think I got a /a0 to bail out an clean u1 at the same time2=
=<o/7s that>= I a5e+2
=I been talkin to a .eller +o/nto/n2 <e runs a bookie o1eration an the /or+ is out 0ou
gonna lose to 3he Pro.essor this Satur+a02=
=So>= I sa0s2
=So /hat i. 0ou /in>=
=@in>=
=Bick his ass2=
=I get in trouble /ith *ike6= I sa0s2
=Scre/ *ike6= 4an sa02 =Look6 here7s the +eal2 S1ose /e take the ten thousan /e got an
bet it on 0ou to /in> 3/otoone o++s2 3hen 0ou kick his ass an /e got t/ent0 gran+2=
=But I7ll be in all sorts o. trouble6= I sa0s2
=@e take the t/ent0 gran+ an blo/ this to/n6= 4an sa02 =Aou kno/ /hat /e can +o /ith
t/ent0 gran+> @e can start one hell o. a srim1 business an have a 1ile le.t over .or
ourselves2 I7m thinkin ma0be it7s time to get out o. this rasslin stu.. an0/a02=
@ell6 I7m thinkin 4an is the manager6 an also that )enn0 has sai+ I gotta get out o. rasslin
too6 an t/ent0 gran+ ain7t a ba+ +eal2
=@hat 0ou think>= 4an sa0s2
=Cka06= I sa02 =Cka02=
3he +a0 come .or me to rassle 3he Pro.essor2 3he bout is to be helt u1 at (ort @a0ne6 an
*ike come b0 to 1ick us u1 an is blo/in the horn outsi+e6 an I a5e+ )enn0 i. she is
rea+02
=I ain7t goin6= she sa02 =I7ll /atch it on television2=
=But 0ou got to go6= I sa0s6 an then I a5e+ 4an to s1lain /h02
4an tole )enn0 /hat the 1lan /as6 an that she ha+ to go6 on account o. /e nee+e+
somebo+0 to +rive us back to In+iana1olis a.ter I +one /hu11e+ 3he Pro.essor2
=Neither o. us can +rive6= he sa06 =an /e gonna have to have a .ast car right outsi+e the
arena /hen it7s over to get us back here to collect the t/ent0 gran+ .rom the bookie an
then hightail it out o. to/n2=
=@ell6 I ain7t havin nothin to +o /ith a +eal like that6= )enn0 sa02
=But it7s t/ent0 gran+6= I sa0s2
=Aeah6 an it7s +ishonest too6= she sa0s2
=@ell6 it7s +ishonest /hat he7s been +oin all the time6= 4an sa0s6 =/innin an losin all
1lanne+ out be.orehan+2=
=I ain7t gonna +o it6= )enn0 sai+6 an *ike /as blo/in his horn again6 an 4an sa06 =@ell6
/e gotta go2 @e7ll see 0ou back here sometime a.ter it7s overone /a0 or the other2=
=Aou .ellers oughta be ashame+ o. 0oursel.s6= )enn0 sa02
=Aou /on7t be so high.alutin /hen /e come back /ith t/ent0 thousan smackeroos in
our 1ocket6= 4an sa0s2
Dn0ho/6 o.. /e go2
Cn the ri+e to (ort @a0ne6 I ain7t sa0in much on account o. I7m kin+a embarrasse+ bout
/hat I7m .i5in to +o to ole *ike2 <e ain7t treate+ me so ba+l06 but on the other han6 as
4an have s1laine+6 I has ma+e a lot o. mone0 .or him too6 so it gonna come out aroun
even2
@e get to the arena an the .irst bout is alrea+0 on)uno the ,iant is gettin the hell kicke+
out o. him b0 3he (air02 Dn ne5 u1 is a tag team match bet/een la+0 mi+gets2 @e gone
on into the +ressin room an I 1ut on m0 +ia1ers an +unce ca12 4an6 he get somebo+0 to
+ial the number o. the ta5icab com1an0 an arrange .or a cab to be there outsi+e /ith its
motor runnin a.ter m0 match2
3he0 beat on m0 +oor an it7s time to go on2 *e an 3he Pro.essor is the .eature bout o.
the evenin2
<e is alrea+0 there in the ring /hen I come out2 3he Pro.essor is a little /ir0 gu0 /ith a
bear+ an /earin s1ectacles an he have on a black robe an morterboar+ hat2 4amn i. he
+on7t look like a 1ro.essor at that2 I +eci+e+ right then to make him eat that hat2
@ell6 I climb on u1 in the ring an the announcer sa06 =La+ies an ,entlemen2= Dt this
there be a lot o. boos6 an then he sa06 =@e is 1rou+ tonight to have as our main attraction
.or the North Dmerican Pro.essional -asslin Dssociation title bout t/o o. the to1
conten+ers in the countr03he Pro.essor versus 3he 4unceE=
Dt this6 the0 is so much booin an cheerin that it is im1ossible to sa0 i. the cro/+ is
ha110 or angr02 It +on7t matter noho/6 cause then the bell ring an the match is on2
3he Pro.essor has taken o.. his robe6 glasses6 an the morterboar+ hat an is circlin me6
shakin his .inger at me like I7m bein scol+e+2 I be tr0in to gra1 a holt o. him6 but ever
time6 he ;um1 out o. the /a0 an kee1 shakin his .inger2 3his go on .or a minute or t/o
an then he make a mistake2 <e run aroun behin me an tr0 to kick me in the ass6 but I
+one snatche+ a holt o. him b0 the arm an slung him into the ro1es2 <e come boun+in
o.. the ro1es like a slingshot ball an as he go 1ast me I tri1 him u1 an /as bout to
1ounce on him /ith the Bell0buster maneuver6 but he +one scramble+ out o. the /a0 to
his corner an /hen I look u16 he is got a big ole ruler in his han2
<e be /ho11in the ruler in his 1alm like he gonna s1ank me /ith it6 but instea+6 /hen I
gra11e+ .or him this time6 he +one ;am the ruler in m0 e0e6 like to gouge it out2 I7ll tell
0ou thisit hurt6 an I /as stumblin aroun tr0in to get m0 sight back /hen he run u1 behin
me an 1ut somethin +o/n m0 +ia1ers2 4i+n7t take long to .in+ out /hat it /asit /as
antsE @here he got them6 lor+ kno/s6 but the ants commence to bitin me an I /as in a
a/.ul .i52
4an is there6 hollerin .or me to .inish him o..6 but it ain7t no eas0 thing /ith ants in 0our
1ants2 Dn0ho/6 the bell rung an that /as the en+ o. the roun an I go on back to m0
corner an 4an be tr0in to get the ants out2
=3hat /as a +irt0 trick6= I sa02
=)ust .inish him6= 4an sa0s6 =/e can7t a..or+ no scre/u1s2=
3he Pro.essor come out .or the secont roun+ an be makin .aces at me2 3hen he get close
enough .or me to snatch him u1 an I li.te+ him over m0 hea+ an begun +oin the Dir1lane
S1in2
I s1inne+ him aroun bout .ort0 or .i.t0 times till I /as 1rett0 sure he /as +iFF0 an then
heave+ him har+ as I coul+ over the ro1es into the au+ience2 <e lan+ u1 in bout the .i.th
ro/ o. bleachers in the la1 o. a ole /oman /ho is knittin a s/eater6 an she start beatin
him /ith a umbrella2
3rouble is6 the Dir1lane S1in have taken its toll on me too2 Everthin s1innin aroun but I
.igger it +on7t matter cause it7ll sto1 1rett0 soon6 an 3he Pro.essor6 he is .inishe+ an0/a02
In this6 I am /rong2
I am almost recovere+ .rom the s1innin /hen all o. a su++en somethin got me b0 the
ankles2 I look +o/n6 an +amn i. 3he Pro.essor ain7t climbe+ back in the ring an brought
/ith him the ball o. 0arn the ole la+0 /as knittin /ith6 an no/ he +one ra11e+ it aroun
m0 .eet2
I starte+ tr0in to /riggle out6 but 3he Pro.essor be runnin circles aroun me /ith the 0arn6
ra11in me u1 like a mumm02 Prett0 soon6 I am tie+ u1 han an .oot an cain7t move or
nothin2 3he Pro.essor sto1 an tie the 0arn u1 in a little .anc0 knot an stan+ in .ront o. me
an take a bo/like he is a magician ;ust +one some trick or somethin2
3hen he saunter over to his corner an get a big ole booklook like a +ictionar0an come
back an take another bo/2 Dn then he crack me on the hea+ /ith the book2 Din7t nothin I
can +o2 <e must o. cracke+ me ten or t/elve times be.ore I gone +o/n2 I am hel1less an
I am hearin everbo+0 cheer as 3he Pro.essor set on m0 shoul+ers an 1in mean /in the
match2
*ike an 4an6 the0 come in the ring an unravele+ the 0arn o.. me an he1e+ me u12
=3erri.icE= *ike sa06 =)ust terri.icE I coul+n7t o. 1lanne+ it better m0se.E=
=Ch shut u16= 4an sa02 Dn then he turn to me2 =@ell6= he sa06 =this is a .ine state o.
a..airsgettin 0ourse. outsmarte+ b0 3he Pro.essor2=
I ain7t sa0in nothin2 I am miserable2 Everthin is lost an the one thing I kno/ .or sure is
that I ain7t gonna rassle never again2
@e +i+n7t nee+ the geta/a0 cab a.ter that6 so 4an an me ro+e back to In+iana1olis /ith
*ike2 Dll the +rive back6 he be sa0in ho/ great it /as that I lost to 3he Pro.essor that
/a06 an ho/ ne5 time I gonna get to /in an make everbo+0 thousans o. +ollars2
@hen he 1ull u1 in .ront o. the a1artment6 *ike reach back an han 4an a envelo1e /ith
the t/o thousan +ollars he /as gonna 1a0 me .or the match2
=4on7t take it6= I sa0s2
=@hat>= sa0s *ike2
=Listen6= I sa02 =I got to tell 0ou somethin2=
4an cut in2 =@hat he /ants to sa0 is6 he ain7t gonna be rasslin no more2=
=Aou ki++in>= *ike sa02
=Din7t ki++in6= sa0s 4an2
=@ell ho/ come>= *ike a5e+2 =@hat7s /rong6 (orrest>=
Be.ore I coul+ sa0 an0thin6 4an sa06 =<e +on7t /ant to talk about it no/2=
=@ell6= sa0s *ike6 =I un+erstan6 I guess2 Aou go get a goo+ night7s slee12 I7ll be back
.irst thing in the mornin an /e can talk bout it6 oka0>=
=Cka06= 4an sa0s6 an /e get out o. the car2 @hen *ike is gone6 I sa0s6 =Aou shoul+n7t o.
took the mone02=
=@ell it7s all the hell /e got le.t no/6= he sa02 Everthin else is gone2 I +i+n7t realiFe till a
.e/ minutes later ho/ right he /as2
@e get to the a1artment an lo an behole6 )enn0 is gone too2 Dll her things is gone6 ce1t
she le. us some clean sheets an to/els an some 1ots an 1ans an stu..2 Cn the table in the
livin room is a note2 4an .oun it .irst6 an he rea+ it out lou+ to me2
4ear (orrest6 Kit sa0sL
I am ;ust not able to take this an0more2 I have trie+ to talk to 0ou about m0 .eelings6 an+
0ou +on7t seem to care2 3here is something 1articularl0 ba+ about /hat 0ou are gonna +o
tonight6 because it isn7t honest6 an+ I am a.rai+ I cannot go on /ith 0ou an0 longer2
*a0be it is m0 .ault6 1artl06 because I have gotten to an age /here I nee+ to settle +o/n2
I think about having a house an+ a .amil0 an+ goin to church an+ things like that2 I have
kno/n 0ou since the .irst gra+e6 (orrestnearl0 thirt0 0earsan+ have /atche+ 0ou gro/
u1 big an+ strong an+ .ine2 Dn+ /hen I .inall0 realiFe+ ho/ much I care+ .or 0ou/hen
0ou came u1 to BostonI /as the ha11iest girl in the /orl+2
Dn+ then 0ou took to smoking too much +o1e6 an+ 0ou .oole+ /ith those girls +o/n in
Provinceto/n6 an even a.ter that6 I misse+ 0ou6 an+ /as gla+ 0ou came to @ashington
+uring the 1eace +emonstration to see me2
But /hen 0ou got shot u1 in the s1aceshi1 an+ /ere lost in the ;ungle nearl0 .our 0ears6
I think ma0be I change+2 I am not as ho1e.ul as I use+ to be6 an+ think I /oul+ be
satis.ie+ /ith ;ust a sim1le li.e some/here2 So6 no/ I must go an .in+ it2
Something is change+ in 0ou6 too6 +ear (orrest2 I +on7t think 0ou can hel1 it e5actl06 .or
0ou /ere al/a0s a =s1ecial= 1erson6 but /e no longer seem to think the same /a02
I am in tears as I /rite this6 but /e must 1art no/2 Please +on7t tr0 to .in+ me2 I /ish 0ou
/ell6 m0 +arlinggoo+b0e2
love6
)enn0
4an han+e+ the note to me but I let it +ro1 on the .loor an ;ust stoo+ there6 realiFin .or
the .irst time in m0 li.e /hat it is trul0 like to be a i+iot2
%1
@ell6 a.ter that I /as one sorr0 basti+2
4an an me sta0e+ at the a1artment that nite6 but the ne5 mornin starte+ 1ackin u1 our
shit an all6 cause there /a+n7t no reason to be in In+iana1olis no longer2 4an6 he come to
me an sa06 =<ere6 (orrest6 take this mone06= an helt out the t/o thousan+ +ollars *ike
ha+ give us .or rasslin 3he Pro.essor2
=I +on7t /ant it6= I sa0s2
=@ell 0ou better take it6= sa0s 4an6 =cause it7s all /e got2=
=Aou kee1 it6= I sa0s2
=Dt least take ha. o. it6= he sa02 =Look6 0ou gotta have some travelin mone02 ,et 0ou to
/herever 0our goin2=
=Din7t 0ou goin /ith me>= I a5e+2
=I7m a.rai+ not6 (orrest6= he sa0s2 =I think I +one enough +amage alrea+02 I +i+n7t slee1
none last night2 I7m thinkin about ho/ I got 0ou to agree to bet all our mone06 an ho/ I
got 0ou to kee1 on rasslin /hen it oughta have been a11arent )enn0 /as about to .reak
out on us2 Dn it /a+n7t 0our .ault 0ou got /hu11e+ b0 3he Pro.essor2 Aou +i+ /hat 0ou
coul+2 I am the one to blame2 I ;us ain7t no goo+2=
=D/e6 4an6 it /a+n7t 0our .ault neither6= I sa0s2 =I. I ha+n7t o. got the big hea+ bout bein
3he 4unce6 an begun to believe all that shit the0 /as sa0in bout me6 I /oul+n7t o. got in
this .i5 in the .irst 1lace2=
=@hatever it is6= 4an sa06 =I ;us +on7t .eel right taggin along an0more2 Aou got other .ish
to .r0 no/2 ,o an .r0 em2 (orget about me2 I ain7t no goo+2=
@ell6 me an 4an talke+ .or a long time6 but there /a+n7t no convincin him6 an a.ter a
/ile6 he got his shit an I he11e+ him +o/n the ste1s6 an the last I seen o. him6 he /as
1ushin hisse. +o/n the street on his little cart6 /ith all his clothes an shit 1ile+ in his la12
I /ent +o/n to the bus station an bought a ticket to *obile2 It /as s1ose+ to be a t/o
+a0 an t/o nite tri16 +o/n thru Louisville6 to Nashville6 to Birmingham an then *obile6
an I /as one miserable i+iot6 settin there /ile the bus rolle+ along2
@e 1asse+ thru Louisville +urin the nite6 an the ne5 +a0 /e sto11e+ in Nashville an ha+
to change busses2 It /as about a three hour /ait6 so I +eci+e+ to /alk aroun to/n .or a
/ile2 I got me a samb/ich at a lunch counter an a glass o. ice+ tea an /as /alkin +o/n
the street /hen I seen a big sign in .ront o. a hotel sa06 =@elcome ,ran+master7s
Invitational :hess 3ournament2=
It sort o. got m0 curiosit0 u16 on account o. I ha+ 1la0e+ all that chess back in the ;ungle
/ith Big Sam6 an so I /ent on into the hotel2 3he0 /as 1la0in the chess game in the
ballroom an ha+ a big mob o. 1eo1le /atchin6 but a sign sa06 =(ive +ollars a+mission6=
an+ I +i+n7t /ant to s1en+ none o. m0 mone06 but I looke+ in thru the +oor .or a /ile6 an
then ;us /ent an set +o/n in the lobb0 b0 m0se.2
3he0 /as a chair across .rom me /ith a little ole man settin in it2 <e /as all shrivele+ u1
an grum10lookin an ha+ on a black suit /ith s1ats an a bo/ tie an he ha+ a chessboar+
set out on a table in .ront o. him2
Ds I set there6 ever once in a /ile he /oul+ move one o. the chessmen6 an it begun to
+a/n on me that he /as 1la0in b0 hisse.2 I .iggere+ I ha+ bout another hour or so .ore
the bus le.6 so I a5e+ him i. he /ante+ somebo+0 to 1la0 /ith2 <e ;us looke+ at me an
then looke+ back +o/n at his chessboar+ an +i+n7t sa0 nothin2
D little bit later6 the ole .eller7+ been stu+0in the chessboar+ .or most o. a hal. hour an
then he move+ his /hite bisho1 over to black s9uare seven an /as ;us bout to take his
han o.. it /hen I sa0s6 = 7scuse me2=
3he .eller ;um1e+ like he7+ set on a tack6 an be glarin across the table at me2
=Aou make that move6= I sa0s6 =an 0ou be leavin 0ourse. /i+e o1en to lose 0our knight
an then 0our 9ueen an 1ut 0our ass in a .i52=
<e look +o/n at his chessboar+6 never takin his han o.. the bisho16 an then he move it
back an sa0 to me6 =Possibl0 0ou are right2=
@ell6 he go on back to stu+0in the chessboar+ an I .igger it7s time to get back to the bus
station6 but ;us as I start to leave6 the ole man sa06 =Par+on me6 but that /as a ver0
shre/+ observation 0ou ma+e2=
I no+ m0 hea+6 an then he sa06 =Look6 0ou7ve obviousl0 1la0e+ the game6 /h0 +on7t 0ou
sit +o/n an .inish this one /ith me> )ust take over the /hite in their 1ositions no/2=
=I cain7t6= I sa0s6 cause I got to catch the bus an all2 So he ;us no+s an gives me a little
salute /ith his han an I /ent on back to the bus station2
3ime I get there6 the +amn bus +one le. an0/a06 an here I am an ain7t no other bus till
tomorro/2 I ;us cain7t +o nothin right2 @ell6 I got a +a0 to kill6 so I /alke+ on back to the
hotel an there is the little ole man still 1la0in against hisse.6 an he seems to be /innin2 I
/ent on u1 to him an he look u1 an motion .or me to set +o/n2 3he situation I have
come into is 1rett0 miserableha. m0 1a/ns gone an I ain7t got but one bisho1 an no
rooks an m0 9ueen is about to be ca1ture+ ne52
It took me most o. a hour to git m0se. back in a even 1osition6 an the ole man be kin+a
gruntin an shakin his hea+ evertime I im1rove m0 situation2 (inall06 I +angle a gambit in
.ront o. him2 <e took it6 an three moves later I got him in check2
=I /ill be +amne+6= he sa02 =)ust /ho are 0ou6 an0/a0>=
I tole him m0 name6 an he sa06 =No6 I mean6 /here have 0ou 1la0e+> I +on7t even
recogniFe 0ou2=
@hen I tole him I learnt to 1la0 in Ne/ ,uinea6 an he sa06 =,oo+ heavensE Dn 0ou
mean to sa0 0ou haven7t even been in regional com1etition>=
I shook m0 hea+ an he sa0s6 =@ell /hether 0ou kno/ it or not6 I am a .ormer
international gran+ master6 an+ 0ou have ;ust ste11e+ into a game 0ou coul+n7t 1ossibil0
have /on6 an+ totall0 annihilate+ meE=
I a5e+ ho/ come he /a+n7t 1la0in in the room /ith the other 1eo1le6 an he sa0s6 =Ch6 I
1la0e+ earlier2 I7m nearl0 eight0 0ears ol+ no/6 an there is a sort o. senior tournament2
3he real glor0 is to the 0ounger .ello/s no/their min+s are ;us shar1er2=
I no++e+ m0 hea+ an thanke+ him .or the game an got u1 to go6 but he sa0s6 =Listen6
have 0ou ha+ 0our su11er 0et>=
I tole him I ha+ a samb/ich a .e/ hours ago6 an he sa06 =@ell ho/ about letting me bu0
0ou +inner> D.ter all6 0ou gave me a su1erb game2=
I sai+ that /ou+ be oka06 an /e /ent into the hotel +inin room2 <e /as a nice man2
*ister 3ribble /as his name2
=Look6= *ister 3ribble sa0 /ile /e is havin +inner6 =I7+ have to 1la0 0ou a .e/ more
games to be sure6 but unless 0our 1la0ing this evening /as a total .luke6 0ou are 1erha1s
one o. the brightest unrecogniFe+ talents in the game2 I /oul+ like to s1onsor 0ou in a
tournament or t/o6 an+ see /hat ha11ens2=
I tole him about hea+in home an /antin to get into the srim1 bi+ness an+ all6 but he sa06
=@ell6 this coul+ be the o11ortunit0 o. a li.etime .or 0ou6 (orrest2 Aou coul+ make a lot
o. mone0 in this game6 0ou kno/2= <e sai+ .or me to think it over tonight6 an let him
kno/ somethin in the mornin2 So me an *ister 3ribble shook hans6 an I /ent on out in
the street2
I +one /an+ere+ aroun .or a /ile6 but the0 ain7t a lot to see in Nashville6 an .inall0 I
/oun+ u1 settin on a bench in a 1ark2 I /as tr0in to think6 /hich +on7t e5actl0 come eas0
to me6 an .igger out /hat to +o no/2 *0 min+ /as mostl0 on )enn0 an /here she is2 She
sa0 not to tr0 to .in+ her or nothin6 but the0 is a .eelin +o/n +ee1 in me some1lace that
she ain7t .orgot me2 I +one ma+e a .ool o. m0se. in In+iana1olis6 an I kno/ it2 I think it
/as that I /a+n7t tr0in to +o the right thing2 Dn no/6 I ain7t sure /hat the right thing is2 I
mean6 here I am6 ain7t got no mone0 to s1eak o.6 an I got to have some to start u1 the
srim1 bi+ness6 an *ister 3ribble sa0 I can /in a goo+ bit on the chess circuit2 But it
seem like ever time I +o somethin besi+es tr0in to get home an get the srim1 bi+ness
starte+6 I get m0 big ass in hot /aterso here I am again6 /on+erin /hat to +o2
I ain7t been /on+erin long /hen u1 come a 1oliceman an a5e me /hat I7m +oin2
I sa0s I7m ;us settin here thinkin6 an he sa0 ain7t nobo+0 allo/e+ to set an think in the
1ark at night an .or me to move along2 I go on +o/n the street6 an the 1oliceman be
.ollo/in me2 I +i+n7t kno/ /here to go6 so a.ter a /ile I sa/ an alle0 an /alke+ on back
in it an .oun a 1lace to set +o/n an rest m0 .eet2 I ain7t been settin there more7n a minute
/hen the same ole 1oliceman come b0 an see me there2
=Dll right6= he sa06 =come on outta there2= @hen I get out to the street6 he sa06 =@hat 0ou
+oin in there>=
I sa0s6 =Nothin6= an he sa06 =3hat7s e5actl0 /hat I thought0ou is un+er arrest .or
loiterin2=
@ell6 he take me to the ;ail an lock me u1 an then in the mornin the0 sa0 I can make one
1hone call i. I /ant2 :ourse I +i+n7t kno/ nobo+0 to 1hone but *ister 3ribble6 so that7s
/hat I +i+2 Bout ha. a hour later6 he sho/s u1 at the 1olice station an s1rings me out o.
;ail2
3hen he bu0s me a big ole break.ast at the hotel an sa0s6 =Listen6 /h0 +on7t 0ou let me
enter 0ou in the interFonal cham1ionshi1s ne5t /eek in Los Dngeles> (irst 1riFe is ten
thousan +ollars2 I /ill 1a0 .or all 0our e51enses an /e /ill s1lit an0 mone0 0ou /in2
Seems to me 0ou nee+ a stake o. some sort6 an+6 to tell 0ou the truth6 I /oul+ en;o0 it
immensel0 m0se.2 I /ill be 0our coach an+ a+viser2 <o/ bout it>=
I still ha+ some +oubts6 but I .iggere+ it /oul+n7t hurt to tr02 So I sai+ I /ou+ +o it .or a
/ile2 3ill I got enough mone0 to start the srim1 thing2 Dn me an *ister 3ribble shook
hans an become 1artners2
Los Dngeles /as 9uite a sight2 @e got there a /eek earl0 an *ister 3ribble /oul+ s1en+
most o. the +a0 coachin me an honin +o/n m0 game6 but a.ter a /ile o. this6 he ;us
shook his hea+ an sa0 there ain7t no sense in tr0in to coach me6 cause I got =ever0 move
in the book= alrea+02 So /hat /e +i+ /as6 /e /ent out on the to/n2
*ister 3ribble took me to 4isne0lan+ an let me go on some ri+es an then he arrange+ to
get us a tour o. a movie lot2 3he0 is got all sorts o. movies goin on6 an 1eo1le is runnin
aroun shoutin =take one6= an =cut6= an =action6= an shit like that2 Cne o. the movies the0
/as +oin /as a @estern an /e seen a .eller get hisse. tho/e+ thru a 1late glass /in+er
about ten timestill he got it right2
Dn0/a06 /e /as ;us stan+in there /atchin this6 /hen some gu0 /alk u1 an sa0s6 =I beg
0our 1ar+on6 are 0ou an actor>=
I sa0s6 =<uh>= Dn *ister 3ribble6 he sa0s6 =No6 /e are chess 1la0ers2=
Dn the .eller sa06 =@ell that7s kin+ o. a shame6 because the big gu0 here6 he looks i+eal
.or a role in a movie I7m +oing2= Dn+ then he turn to me an .eel o. m0 arm an sa06 =*06
m06 0ou are a big strong .ellerare 0ou sure 0ou +on7t act>=
=I +i+ once6= I sa0s2
=-eall0E= the .eller sa0s2 =@hat in>=
=Bing Lear 2=
=*arvelous6 bab06= he sa0s6 =that7s ;ust marvelous+o 0ou have 0our SD, car+>=
=*0 /hat>=
=Screen Dctors ,uil+oh6 no matter6= he sa02 =Listen6 bab06 /e can get that6 no trouble2
@hat I /ant to kno/ is6 /here have the0 been hi+ing 0ou> I mean6 ;ust look at 0ouE D
1er.ect big strong silent t01eanother )ohn @a0ne2=
=<e is no )ohn @a0ne6= *ister 3ribble sa0 sourl06 =he is a /orl+class chess 1la0er2=
=@ell all the better6= the .eller sa06 =a smart big6 strong6 silent t01e2 Her0 unusual2=
=Din7t as smart as I look6= I sa0s6 tr0in to be honest6 but the .eller sa0 none o. that
matters an0ho/6 cause actors ain7t s1ose+ to be smart or honest or nothin like that;ust
be able to get u1 there an sa0 the0 lines2
=*0 name7s (el+er6= he sa0s6 =an I make movies2 I /ant 0ou to take a screen test2=
=<e has to 1la0 in a chess tournament tomorro/6= *ister 3ribble sa02 =<e has no time
.or acting or screen tests2=
=@ell6 0ou coul+ s9ueeFe it in6 coul+n7t 0ou> D.ter all6 it might be the break 0ou7ve been
looking .or2 @h0 +on7t 0ou come along6 too6 3ribble6 /e7ll give 0ou a screen test as
/ell2=
=@e7ll tr06= *ister 3ribble sa02 =No/ come along6 (orrest6 /e have a little more /ork to
+o2=
=See 0ou later6 bab06= sa0 *ister (el+er6 =+on7t .orget no/2=
Dn o.. /e go2
%%
3he ne5 mornin is /hen the chess tournament is bein helt out at the Beverl0 <ills <otel2
*e an *ister 3ribble is there earl0 an he has me signe+ u1 .or matches all +a02
Basicall06 it ain7t no big +eal2 It took me about seven minutes to /hu1 the .irst gu06 /ho
/as a regional master an also a 1ro.essor in some college6 /hich ma+e me secretl0 .eel
kin+ o. goo+2 I ha+ beat a 1ro.essor a.ter all2
Ne5 /as a ki+ about seventeen6 an I /i1e+ him out in less than hal. a hour2 <e tho/e+ a
tantrum an then commence+ to ba/lin an cr0in an his mama ha+ to come +rag him o..2
3he0 /as all sorts o. 1eo1le I 1la0e+ that +a0 an the ne56 but I beat em all 1rett0 .ast6
/hich /as a relie. since /hen I 1la0e+ against Big Sam I ha+ to kee1 settin there an not
go to the bathroom or nothin6 cause i. I got u1 .rom the chessboar+ he /oul+ move the
1ieces aroun an tr0 to cheat2
Dn0ho/6 b0 that time I ha+ got m0 /a0 into the .inals an the0 /as a +a07s rest in
bet/een2 I gone on back to the hotel /ith *ister 3ribble an .oun+ a message to us .rom
*ister (el+er6 the movie gu02 It sa06 =Please call m0 o..ice this a.ternoon an arrange .or
a screen test tomorro/ morning6= an it give a tele1hone number to call2
=@ell6 (orrest6= *ister 3ribble sa06 =I +on7t kno/ bout this2 @hat +o 0ou think>=
=I +unno either6= I sa0s6 but to tell the truth6 it soun sort o. e5citin6 bein in the movies an
all2 *a0be I even get to meet -a9uel @elch or somebo+02
=Ch6 I +on7t su11ose it /oul+ hurt an0thing6= *ister 3ribble sa02 =I guess I7ll call an set
u1 an a11ointment2= So he call *ister (el+er7s o..ice an be .in+in out /hen an /here .or
us to go an all o. a su++en he cu1 his han+ over the 1hone an sa0 to me6 =(orrest6 can
0ou s/im>= Dn I sa06 =Au16= an he sa0 back into the 1hone6 =Aes6 he can2=
D.ter he +one hung u16 I a5e+ /h0 the0 /ant to kno/ i. I can s/im6 an *ister 3ribble
sa0 he +on7t kno/6 but he recon /e /ill .in+ out /hen /e get there2
3he movie lot /e gone to is a +i..erent 1lace than the other one6 an /e /as met at the
gate b0 a guar+ that took us to /here the screen test is bein helt2 *ister (el+er is there
arguin /ith a la+0 that actuall0 look somethin like -a9uel @elch6 but /hen he seen me6
he is all smiles2
=Dh6 (orrest6= he sa06 =terri.ic 0ou came2 No/ /hat I /ant 0ou to +o is go thru that +oor
to *akeu1 an+ :ostuming6 an+ then the0 /ill sen+ 0ou back out /hen the0 are
.inishe+2=
So I gone on thru the +oor an there is a cou1le o. la+ies stan+in there an one o. em sa06
=Cka06 take o.. 0our clothes2= <ere I go again6 but I +o as I am tole2 @hen I get thru
takin o.. m0 clothes6 the other la+0 han me this big blob o. rubberlookin clothes /ith
scales an shit all over it an .unn0lookin /ebbe+ .eet an hans2 She sa0 to 1ut it on2 It
take the three o. us to get me in the thing but a.ter bout a hour /e manage2 3hen the0
1oint me in the +irection o. *akeu1 an I is tole to set in a chair /ile a la+0 an a .eller
commence to ;am +o/n this big rubber mask over m0 hea+ an .it it to the costume an
start 1aintin over the lines /here it sho/e+2 @hen the0 is thru6 the0 sa0 .or me to go
back out to the movie set2
I can har+l0 /alk on account o. the /ebbe+ .eet an it is har+ to get the +oor o1en /ith a
/ebbe+ han6 but .inall0 I +o an I su++enl0 .in+ m0sel. in a out+oor 1lace /ith a big lake
an all sorts o. banana trees an tro1icallookin shit2 *ister (el+er is there an /hen he
seen me6 he ;um1 back an sa06 =3erri.ic6 bab0E Aou is 1er.ect .or the 1artE=
=@hat 1art is that>= I a5e+6 an he sa06 =Ch6 +i+n7t I tell 0ou> I am +oing a remake o. 3he
:reature .rom the Black Lagoon 2= Even a i+iot like me coul+ guess /hat 1art he have in
min+ .or me to 1la02
*ister (el+er motion .or the la+0 he ha+ been arguin /ith to come over2 =(orrest6= he
sa06 =I /ant 0ou to meet -a9uel @elch2=
@ell6 0ou cou++a knocke+ me over /ith a .eatherE 3here she /ere6 all +resse+ u1 in a
lo/cut go/n an all2 =Please to meet 0ou6= I sa0s thru the mask6 but -a9uel @elch turn
to *ister (el+er lookin ma+ as a hornet2
=@hat7+ he sa0> Something about m0 tits6 /asn7t itE=
=No6 bab06 no6= sa0 *ister (el+er2 =<e ;ust sai+ he /as gla+ to meet 0ou2 Aou can7t hear
him too /ell because o. that mask he7s got on2=
I stuck out m0 /ebbe+ han to shake hans /ith her6 but she ;um1 back about a .oot6 an
sa06 =?gghE Let7s get this go++amn thing over /ith2=
Dn0ho/6 *ister (el+er sa0 the +eal is this: -a9uel @elch is to be .loun+erin in the /ater
an then she .aints6 an then I am to come u1 .rom un+er her an 1ick her u1 an carr0 her
outta the /ater2 But /hen she revives6 she looks u1 at me an is scare+ an commences to
scream6 =Put me +o/nE <el1E -a1eE= an all that shit2
But6 *ister (el+er sa06 I am not to 1ut her +o/n6 cause some crooks is s1ose+ to be
chasin usG instea+6 I am to carr0 her o.. into the ;ungle2
@ell6 /e trie+ the scene6 an the .irst time /e +one it6 I thought it come o.. 1rett0 /ell6 an
it is reall0 e5citin to actuall0 be hol+in -a9uel @elch in m0 arms6 even tho she be
hollerin6 =Put me +o/nE <el16 1oliceE= an so on2
But *ister (el+er sa0 that ain7t goo+ enough6 an .or us to +o it again2 Dn that /a+n7t
goo+ enough either6 so /e be +oin that same scene bout ten or .i.teen times2 In bet/een
+oin the scene6 -a9uel @elch is crabbin an bitchin an cussin at *ister (el+er6 but he ;ust
ke1 on sa0in6 =Beauti.ul6 bab06 beauti.ulE= an that sort o. thing2
*0se.6 I7m startin to have a real 1roblem tho2 Cn account o. I been in the creature suit
nearl0 .ive hours no/6 an the0 ain7t no Fi11er or nothin to 1ee thru6 an I7m bout to bust2
But I +on7t /anta sa0 nothin bout that6 cause this is a real movie an everthin6 an I +on7t
/ant to make nobo+0 ma+2
But I gotta +o somethin 6 so7s I +eci+e that the ne5 time I get in the /ater6 I /ill ;us 1ee
in the suit6 an it /ill run out m0 leg or somethin into the lagoon2 @ell6 *ister (el+er6 he
sa06 =DctionE= an I go in the /ater an start to 1ee2 -a9uel @elch be .loun+erin aroun an
then she .aints6 an I +ive un+er an gra1 her an haul her onto shore2
She /akes u1 an start to beatin on me an hollerin6 =<el1E *ur+erE Put me +o/nE= an all6
but then she su++enl0 sto1 hollerin an she sa06 =@hat is that smell>=
*ister (el+er holler6 =:utE= an he stan+ u1 an sa06 =@hat /as that 0ou sai+6 bab0> 3hat
ain7t in the scri1t2=
Dn -a9uel @elch sa06 =Shit on the scri1tE Somethin stinks aroun hereE= 3hen she
su++enl0 look at me an sa06 =<e06 0ou/hoever 0ou are+i+ 0ou take a leak>=
I /as so embarrasse+6 I +i+ not kno/ /hat to +o2 I ;ust stoo+ there .or a secont6 hol+in
her in m0 arms6 an then I shake m0 hea+ an sa06 =?h uh2=
It /as the .irst lie I ever tole in m0 li.e2
=@ell somebo+0 sure +i+6= she sa06 =cause I kno/ 1ee /hen I smell itE Dn it /a+n7t meE
So it has to be 0ouE <o/ +are 0ou 1ee on me6 0ou big oa.E= 3hen she start beatin on me
/ith her .ists an hollerin to =Put me +o/nE= an+ =,et a/a0 .rom meE= an all6 but I ;us
.iggere+ the scene is startin u1 again an so I begun to carr0 her back into the ;ungle2
*ister (el+er shout6 =DctionE = 3he movie cameras begun to rollin once more6 an
-a9uel @elch is beatin an cla/in an 0ellin like she never +one be.ore2 *ister (el+er is
back there hollerin6 =3hat7s it6 bab0terri.icE Bee1 it u1E= I cou+ see *ister 3ribble back
there too6 settin in a chair6 kin+a shakin his hea+ an tr0in to look the other /a02
@ell6 /hen I get back in the ;ungle a little /a0s6 I sto11e+ an turne+ aroun to see i. that7s
/here *ister (el+er is .i5in to 0ell =:ut6= like he ha+ be.ore6 but he /as ;um1in aroun
like a /il+ man6 motionin to kee1 on goin6 an shoutin6 =Per.ect6 bab0E 3hat7s /hat I
/antE :arr0 her o.. into the ;ungleE=
-a9uel @elch is still scratchin an .lailin at me an screamin6 =,et a/a0 .rom me 0ou
vulgar animalE= an such as that6 but I ke1 on goin like I7m tole2
Dll o. a su++en she screech6 =Ch m0 go+E *0 +ressE=
I ain7t notice+ it till no/6 but /hen I look +o/n6 +amn i. her +ress ain7t caught on some
bush back there an +one totall0 unravel itsel.6 -a9uel @elch is butt necki+ in m0 armsE
I sto11e+ an sai+6 =?h oh6= an starte+ to turn aroun to carr0 her back6 but she begin
shriekin6 =No6 noE Aou i+iotE I can7t go back there like thisE=
I a5e+ /hat she /ante+ me to +o6 an she sa0 /e gotta .in+ some1lace to hi+e till she gets
things .iggere+ out2 So I kee1 on goin +ee1er into the ;ungle /hen all o. a su++en out o.
no1lace come a big ob;ect thru the trees6 s/ingin to/ar+s us on a vine2 3he ob;ect
s/ung 1ast us once an I coul+ tell it /as a a1e o. some sort6 an then it s/ung back again
an +ro11e+ o.. the vine at our .eet2 I almost .ainte+ +ea+ a/a02 It /as ole Sue6 hisse.E
-a9uel @elch begun to ba/lin an hollerin again an Sue has gra11e+ me aroun the legs
an is huggin me2 I +on7t kno/ ho/ he recogniFe+ me in m0 creature suit6 ce1t I guess he
smelt me or somethin2 Dn0ho/6 -a9uel @elch6 she .inall0 sa06 =4o 0ou kno/ this
.ucking baboon>=
=<e ain7t no baboon6= I sa0s6 =he7s a orangutang2 Name7s Sue2=
She look at me kin+a .unn0 an sa06 =@ell i. it7s a he 6 then ho/ come its name is Sue>=
=3hat is a long stor06= I sa02
Dn0ho/6 -a9uel @elch is tr0in to cover herse. u1 /ith her hans6 but ole Sue6 he kno/s
/hat to +o2 <e gra11e+ holt o. a cou1le o. big leaves o.. one o. them banana trees an
han them u1 to her an she 1artl0 covere+ herse. u12
@hat I .in+ out later is that /e have gone across our ;ungle location onto another set
/here the0 is .ilmin a 3arFan movie6 an Sue is being use+ as a e5tra2 Not long a.ter I got
rescue+ .rom the 10gmies in Ne/ ,uinea6 /hite hunters come along an ca1ture+ ole Sue
an shi11e+ his ass to some animal trainer in Los Dngeles2 3he0 been usin him in movies
ever since2
Dn0/a06 /e ain7t got time to ;ack aroun no/6 on account o. -a9uel @elch is screechin
an bitchin again6 sa06 =Aou gotta take me some1lace /here I can get me some clothesE=
@ell6 I +on7t kno/ /here 0ou can .in+ no clothes in the ;ungle6 even i. it is a movie set6
so /e ;us kee1 movin along6 ho1in somethin /ill ha11en2
It +oes2 @e su++enl0 come to a big .ence6 an I .igger there 1robl0 be some1lace on the
other si+e o. it to get her some clothes2 Sue .in+s a loose boar+ in the .ence an li.ts it u1
so7s /e can get thru6 but as soon as I ste1 on the other si+e6 ain7t nothin to ste1 on6 an me
an -a9uel go tumblin hea+ over heels +o/n the si+e o. this hill2 @e .inall0 rolle+ all the
/a0 to the bottom an /hen I look aroun6 +amn i. /e ain7t lan+e+ right on the si+e o. a
big ole roa+2
=Ch m0 ,o+E= -a9uel @elch 0ell2 =@e7re on the Santa *onica (ree/a0E=
I look u16 an here come ole Sue6 lo1in +o/n the hillsi+e2 <e .inall0 get +o/n to us6 an
the three o. us be stan+in there2 -a9uel @elch is movin the banana leaves u1 an +o/n6
tr0in to cover herse. u12
=@hat /e gonna +o no/>= I a5e+2 :ars are /iFFin b06 an even tho /e must o. been a
o++lookin sight6 ain7t nobo+0 even 1a0in us the slightest attention2
=Aou gotta take me some1laceE= she hollers2 =I got to get some clothes onE=
=@here>= I sa0s2
=Dn0/hereE= she screams6 an so /e starte+ o.. +o/n the Santa *onica (ree/a02
D.ter a /ile6 u1 in the +istance6 /e seen a big /hite sign u1 in some hills sa0
=<CLLA@CC46= an -a9uel @elch sa06 =@e got to get o.. this +amn .ree/a0 an+ get to
-o+eo 4rive6 /here I can bu0 me some clothes2= She is kee1in 1rett0 bus0 tr0in to cover
herse. u1ever time a car come to/ar+s us6 she 1ut the banana leaves in .ront6 an /hen a
car come u1 .rom behin6 she move em back there to cover her ass2 In mi5e+ tra..ic6 it is
9uite a s1ectacular sightlook like one o. them .an +ancers or somethin2
So /e got o.. the .ree/a0 an /ent across a big .iel+2 =<as that .uckin monke0 got to
kee1 .ollo/in us>= -a9uel @elch sa02 =@e look re+iculous enough as it isE= I ain7t sa0in
nothin6 but I look back6 an ole Sue6 he got a 1aine+ look on his .ace2 <e ain7t never met
-a9uel @elch be.ore6 neither6 an I think his .eelins is hurt2
Dn0ho/6 /e ke1 goin along an the0 still ain7t nobo+0 1a0in us much min+2 (inall0 /e
come to a big ole bus0 street an -a9uel @elch sa06 =,oo+go+amight0this is Sunset
Boulevar+E <o/ am I gonna e51lain goin across Sunset Boulevar+ butt necki+ in broa+
+a0lightE= In this6 I ten+ to see her 1oint6 an I am sort o. gla+ I got on the creature suit
so7s nobo+0 /ill recogniFe meeven i. I am /ith -a9uel @elch2
@e come to a tra..ic light an /hen it turn green6 the three o. us /alke+ on across the
street6 -a9uel @elch +oin her .an +ance to beat the ban+ an smilin at 1eo1le in cars an
stu.. like she /as on stage2 =I am totall0 humiliate+E= she hisses at me un+er her breath2
=I am violate+E )ust /ait till /e get outta this2 I am gonna have 0our big ass6 0ou
go++amn i+iotE=
Some o. the 1eo1le /aitin in their cars at the tra..ic light commence to honkin the0
horns an+ /avin6 on account o. the0 must o. recogniFe+ -a9uel @elch6 an /hen /e get
across the street6 a .e/ cars turn our /a0 an start to .ollo/in a.ter us2 B0 the time /e get
to @ilshire Boulevar+ /e have attracte+ 9uite a siFable cro/+G 1eo1le come out o. the0
houses an stores an all to .ollo/ uslook like the Pie+ Pi1er or somethinan -a9uel
@elch7s .ace is re+ as a beet2
=Aou7ll never /ork in this to/n againE= she sa0 to me6 .lashin a smile to the cro/+6 but
her teeth is clenche+ tight2
@e gone on a bit .urther6 an then she sa06 =Dh.inall0here is -o+eo 4rive2= I look over
at a corner an6 sure enough6 there is a /oman7s clothing store2 I ta1 her on the shoul+er
an 1oint at it6 but -a9uel @elch sa06 =?gghthat7s Po1agallo2 Nobo+0 /oul+ be caught
+ea+ these +a0s /earing a Po1agallo +ress2=
So /e /alke+ some more an then she sa06 =3here,iani7sthe0 got some nice things in
there6= an so /e go insi+e2
3he0 is a sales .eller at the +oor /ith a little moustache an a /hite suit /ith a
han+kerchie. stickin out o. the coat 1ocket6 an he is e0ein us 1rett0 care.ull0 as /e come
thru the +oor2
=*a0 I hel1 0ou6 ma+am>= he a5e+2
=I /ant to bu0 a +ress6= -a9uel @elch sa02
=@hat +i+ 0ou have in min+>= sa0 the .eller2
=Dn0thing6 0ou .oolcan7t 0ou see /hat7s going onE=
@ell6 the sales .eller 1oint to a cou1le o. racks o. +resses an sa0 there might be somethin
in there her siFe6 so -a9uel @elch go over an begin to look thru the +resses2
=Dn is there somethin I can +o .or 0ou gentlemen>= the .eller sa0s to me an Sue2
=@e is ;ust /ith her6= I sa02 I look back6 an the cro/+ is all gathere+ outsi+e6 noses
1resse+ to the /in+er2
-a9uel @elch took about eight or nine +resses into the back an trie+ them on2 D.ter a
/ile she come out an sa06 =@hat +o 0ou think about this one>= It is a sort o. bro/n
lookin +ress /ith a bunch o. belts an loo1s all over it an a lo/ neckline2
=Ch6 I7m not so sure6 +ear6= sa0 the salesman6 =someho/ itit ;ust isn7t 0ou 2= So she go
back an tr0 on another one an the salesman sa06 =Ch6 /on+er.ulE Aou look absolutel0
1recious2=
=I7ll take it6= sa0 -a9uel @elch6 an the salesman sa06 =(ineho/ /oul+ 0ou like to 1a0
.or it>=
=@hat +o 0ou mean>= she a5e+2
=@ell6 cash6 check6 cre+it car+>= he sa02
=Look 0ou boFocan7t 0ou see I +on7t have an0thing like that /ith me> @here the hell +o
0ou think I7+ 1ut it>=
=Please6 ma+am+on7t let7s be vulgar6= the salesman sa02
=I am -a9uel @elch6= she tell the man2 =I /ill sen+ somebo+0 aroun+ here to 1a0 0ou
later2=
=I am terribl0 sorr06 la+06= he sa06 =but /e +on7t +o business that /a02=
=But I7m -a9uel @elchE = she shout2 =4on7t 0ou recogniFe me>=
=Listen la+06= the man sa06 =hal. the 1eo1le that come in here sa0 the0 are -a9uel @elch
or (arrah (a/cett or So1hia Loren or somebo+02 Aou got an0 I4>=
=I4E= she shout2 =@here +o 0ou think I /oul+ kee1 I4>=
=No I46 no cre+it car+6 no mone0no +ress6= sa0 the salesman2
=I7ll 1rove /ho the hell I am6= -a9uel @elch sa06 an all o. a su++en she 1ull +o/n the
to1 o. the +ress2 =@ho else is got tits like these in this onehorse to/nE= she screech2
Cutsi+e6 the cro/+ all be beatin on the /in+ers an hollerin an cheerin2 But the salesman6
he 1unche+ a little button an some big gu0 /hat /as the securit0 +etective come over an
he sa06 =Cka06 0our asses is all un+er arrest2 :ome along 9uietl0 an there /on7t be no
trouble2=
%&
So here I am6 tho/e+ in ;ail again2
D.ter the securit0 .eller corralle+ us at ,iani7s6 t/o carloa+s o. co1s come screamin u1
an this one co1 come u1 to the salesman an sa06 =@ell6 /hat /e got here>=
=3his one sa0s she7s -a9uel @elch6= the salesman sa02 =:ome in here /earin a bunch o.
banana leaves an /oul+n7t 1a0 .or the +ress2 I +on7t kno/ bout these other t/obut the0
look 1rett0 sus1icious to me2=
=I am -a9uel @elchE= she shout2
=Sure6 la+06= the co1 sa02 =Dn I am :lint East/oo+2 @h0 +on7t 0ou go along /ith these
t/o nice .ellers here2= <e 1oint to a cou1le o. other co1s2
=No/6= sa0s the hea+ co16 an he be lookin at me an Sue6 =/hat7s 0our stor0>=
=@e /as in a 1itcher6= I sa0s2
=3hat /h0 0ou7re /earin that creature suit>= he a5e2
=Au16= I sa0s2
=Dn /hat bout him>= he sa06 1ointin to Sue2 =3hat7s a 1rett0 realistic costume6 i. I sa0 so
m0sel.2=
=Din7t no costume6= I sa0s2 =<e7s a 1urebrea+ orangutang2=
=Is that so>= the co1 sa02 =@ell I7ll tell 0ou /hat2 @e got a .eller +o/n to the station /ho
makes 1itchers6 too6 an he /oul+ love to get a cou1le o. shots o. 0ou clo/ns2 So 0ou ;us
come along tooan +on7t make no su++en moves2=
Dn0ho/6 *ister 3ribble has got to come +o/n an bail me out again2 Dn *ister (el+er
sho/e+ u1 /ith a /hole 1latoon o. la/0ers to git out -a9uel @elch6 /ho b0 this time is
h0sterical2
=Aou ;us /aitE= she shriek back at me as the0 turnin her loose2 =@hen I git .inishe+6 0ou
/on7t be able to .in+ a ;ob as a s1ear carrier in a nightmareE=
In this6 she is 1robl0 correct2 It look like m0 movie career is over2
=3hat7s li.e6 bab0but I7ll call 0ou .or lunch sometime6= *ister (el+er sa0s to me as he is
leavin2 =@e7ll sen+ somebo+0 b0 later to 1ick u1 the creature suit2=
=:7mon6 (orrest6= sa0 *ister 3ribble2 =Aou an+ I have got other .ish to .r02=
Back at the hotel6 *ister 3ribble an me an Sue is settin in our room havin a con.erence2
=It is going to 1ose a 1roblem6 /ith Sue here6= *ister 3ribble sa0s2 =I mean6 look ho/
/e ha+ to sneak him u1 the stairs an+ everthin2 It is ver0 +i..icult to travel /ith an
orangutan6 /e have to .ace that2=
I tole him ho/ I .elt bout Sue6 bout ho/ he save+ m0 ass more than once in the ;ungle
an all2
=@ell6 I think I un+erstan+ 0our .eelings6= he sa0s2 =Dn+ I7m /illing to give it a tr02 But
he7s going to have to behave himsel.6 or /e7ll be in trouble .or sure2=
=<e /ill6= I sa06 an ole Sue be no++in an grinnin like a a1e2
Dn0ho/6 ne5 +a0 is the big chess match bet/een me an the International ,ran+ *aster
Ivan Petrokivitch6 also kno/n as <onest Ivan2 *ister 3ribble have taken me to a clothes
store an rente+ me a tu5e+o on account o. this is to be a big .ashionable +eal6 an a lot o.
muckit0mucks /ill be on han2 (urthermore6 the /inner /ill get ten thousan +ollars6 an
m0 ha. o. that ought to be enough to get me starte+ in the srim1 bi+ness6 so I cannot
a..or+ to make no mistakes2
@ell6 /e get to the hall /here the chess game is to take 1lace an there is bout a thousan
1eo1le millin aroun an alrea+0 settin at the table is <onest Ivan6 glarin at me like he7s
*uhamma+ Dli or somebo+02
<onest Ivan is a big ole -ussian .eller /ith a high .orehea+6 ;us like the (rankenstein
monster6 an long black curl0 hair such as 0ou might see on a violin 1la0er2 @hen I go u1
an set +o/n6 he grunt somethin at me an then another .eller sa06 =Let the match begin6=
an that /as it2
<onest Ivan is got the /hite team an he get to make the .irst move6 startin /ith somethin
call 3he PonFiani C1ening2
I move ne56 using 3he -eti C1ening6 an everthin is goin 1rett0 smooth2 Each o. us make
a cou1le o. more moves6 then <onest Ivan tr0 somethin kno/n as 3he (alkbeer ,ambit6
movin his knight aroun to see i. he can take m0 rook2
But I see+ that comin6 an set u1 somethin calle+ 3he Noah7s Drk 3ra16 an got his knight
instea+2 <onest Ivan ain7t lookin none too ha110 but he seem to take it in stri+e an
em1lo0e+ 3he 3arrasch 3hreat to menace m0 bisho12
I ain7t havin none o. that6 tho6 an I tho/e+ u1 3he 8ueen7s In+ian 4e.ense an that .orce
him to use 3he Schevenigen Hariation6 /hich lea+ me to utiliFe 3he Benoni :ounter2
<onest Ivan a11ear to be some/hat .rustrate+6 an /as t/istin his .ingers an bitin on his
lo/er li16 an then he +one trie+ a +es1eration move3he (rie+ Liver Dttackto /hich I
a11lie+ Dlekhine7s 4e.ense an sto11e+ his ass col+2
It look .or a /ile like it gonna be a stalemate6 but <onest Ivan6 he /ent an a11lie+ 3he
<o..man *aneuver an broke outE I look over at *ister 3ribble6 an he sort o. smile at
me6 an he move his li1s an mouth the /or+ =No/ 6= an I kno/e+ /hat he mean2
Aou see6 the0 /as a cou1le o. tricks Big Sam taught me in the ;ungle that /as not in the
book an no/ /as the time to use themnamel06 3he :ookin Pot Hariation o. 3he
:oconut ,ambit6 in /hich I use m0 9ueen as bait an sucker that basti+ into riskin his
knight to take her2
?n.ortunatel06 it +i+n7t /ork2 <onest Ivan must o. seen that comin an he sna11e+ u1 m0
9ueen an no/ m0 ass is in troubleE Ne5 I 1ull somethin calle+ 3he ,rass <ut Plo06 in
/hich I stick m0 last rook out on a limb to .ool him6 but he /a+n7t .oole+2 3ook m0 rook
an m0 other bisho1 too6 an /as rea+0 to .inish me o.. /ith 3he Petro.. :heck6 /hen I
1ulle+ out all the sto1s an set u1 3he P0gmie 3hreat2
No/ the P0gmie 3hreat /as one o. Big Sam7s s1ecialties6 an he ha+ taught it to me real
goo+2 It +e1en+s a lot on su1rise an usin several other 1ieces as bait6 but i. a .eller .alls
victim to 3he P0gmie 3hreat6 he might as /ell hang u1 his ;ockstra1 an go on home2 I
/as ho1in an 1ra0in it /ou+ /ork6 cause i. it +i+n7t6 I ain7t got no more bright i+eas an
I7m ;ust about +one .or alrea+02
@ell6 <onest Ivan6 he grunt a cou1le o. times an 1ick u1 his knight to move it to s9uare
eight6 /hich meant that he /oul+ be suckere+ in b0 3he P0gmie 3hreat an in t/o more
moves I /oul+ have him in check an he /oul+ be 1o/erless to +o an0thin about itE
But <onest Ivan must o. smelt somethin .ish06 cause he move+ that 1iece .rom s9uare
.ive to s9uare eight an back again nine or ten times6 never takin his han o.. it6 /hich
/oul+ have meant the move /as .inal2
3he cro/+ /as so 9uiet 0ou coul+a hear+ a 1in +ro16 an I am so nervous an e5cite+ I am
bout to bust2 I look over an *ister 3ribble is rollin his e0es u1 in the air like he7s 1ra0in
an a .eller /hat come /ith <onest Ivan is sco/lin an lookin sour2 <onest Ivan move the
1iece back to s9uare eight t/o or three more times6 but al/a0s he 1ut it back on s9uare
.ive2 (inall06 it look like he gonna +o somethin else6 but then he li. u1 the 1iece one
more time an have it hoverin above s9uare eight an I be hol+in m0 breath an the room is
9uiet as a tomb2 <onest Ivan still be hoverin /ith the 1iece an m0 heart is beatin like a
+rum6 an all o. a su++en he look straight at mean I +on7t kno/ /hat ha11ene+6 I guess I
/as so e5cite+ an allbut su++enl0 I cut a humongus bake+bean .art that soun+ like
somebo+0 is ri11in a be+sheet in ha.E
<onest Ivan get a look o. su1rise on his .ace6 an then he su++enl0 +ro1 his chess 1iece
an tho/e+ u1 his hans an sa06 =?gghE= an start .annin the air an coughin an hol+in his
nose2 (olks stan+in aroun us begun to move back an /as mumblin an takin out the0
han+kerchie.s an all6 an I am so re+ in the .ace I look like a tomato2
But /hen it all settle +o/n again6 I look at the chessboar+ an +amn i. <onest Ivan ain7t
le. his 1iece right on s9uare eight2 So I reache+ out an sna1 it u1 /ith m0 knight6 an then
I gra11e+ t/o o. his 1a/ns an his 9ueen an .inall0 his kingcheckmateE I +one /on the
match an the .ive thousan +ollarsE 3he P0gmie 3hreat +one come thru again2
Dll the /ile6 <onest Ivan be makin lou+ gestures an 1rotestin an all an him an the .eller
that come /ith him imme+iatel0 .ile a .ormal com1laint against me2
3he gu0 in charge o. the tournament be thumbin thru his rule book till he come to /here
it sa06 =No 1la0er shall kno/ingl0 engage in con+uct that is +istractive to another 1la0er
/hile a game is in 1rogress2=
*ister 3ribble ste1 u1 an sa06 =@ell6 I +on7t think 0ou can 1rove that m0 man +i+ /hat
he +i+ kno/ingl0 2 It /as a sort o. involuntar0 thing2=
3hen the tournament +irector thumb thru his book some more6 an come to /here it sa06
=No 1la0er shall behave in a manner that is ru+e or o..ensive to his o11onent2=
=Listen6= *ister 3ribble sa06 =haven7t 0ou ever ha+ the nee+ to break /in+> (orrest
+i+n7t mean an0thing b0 it2 <e7s been sitting there a long time2=
=I +on7t kno/6= the tournament +irector sa06 =on the .ace o. it6 I think I7m going to have
to +is9uali.0 him2=
=@ell can7t 0ou give him another chance at least>=
*ister 3ribble a5e+2 3he tournament +irector scratche+ his chin .or a minute2 =@ell6
1erha1s6= he sa06 =but he is gonna have to contain hisse. because /e cannot tolerate this
sort o. thing here6 0ou kno/>=
Dn so it /as beginnin to look like I might be allo/e+ to .inish the game6 but all o. a
su++en the0 is a big commotion at one en+ o. the room6 an la+ies are screaming an
shrieking an all an then I look u1 an here come ole Sue6 s/ingin to/ar+s me on a
chan+elier2
)us as the chan+elier got overhea+ Sue let go an +ro11e+ right on to1 o. the chessboar+6
scatterin all the 1ieces in a +oFen +irections2 <onest Ivan .ell over back/ar+s across a
chair an on the /a0 +o/n ri11e+ ha. the +ress o.. a .at la+0 that looke+ like a
a+vertisement .or a ;e/elr0 store2 She commence+ to .lailin an hollerin an smacke+ the
tournament +irector in the nose an Sue /as ;um1in u1 an +o/n an chatterin an everbo+0
is in a 1anic6 stom1in an stumblin an shoutin to call the 1olice2
*ister 3ribble gra11e+ me b0 the arm an sa06 =Let7s get out o. here6 (orrest0ou have
alrea+0 seen enough o. the 1olice in this to/n2=
3his I cou+ not +en02
@ell6 /e get on back to the hotel6 an *ister 3ribble sa0 /e got to have another
con.erence2
=(orrest6= he sa06 =I ;ust +o not believe this is going to /ork out an0more2 Aou can 1la0
chess like a +ream6 but things have gotten too com1licate+ other/ise2 Dll that stu.. that
/ent on this a.ternoon /as6 /ell6 to 1ut it mil+l06 it /as biFarre2=
I am no++in an ole Sue is lookin 1rett0 sorro/.ul too2
=So6 I7ll tell 0ou /hat I7m going to +o2 Aou7re a goo+ bo06 (orrest6 an+ I can7t leave 0ou
stran+e+ out here in :ali.ornia6 so I am going to arrange .or 0ou an+ Sue to get back to
Dlabama or /herever it is 0ou came .rom2 I kno/ 0ou nee+ a little grubstake to start
0our shrim1 business6 an+ 0our share o. the /innings6 a.ter I +e+uct e51enses6 comes to
a little un+er .ive thousan+ +ollars2=
*ister 3ribble han+ me a envelo1e an /hen I look insi+e it6 there is a bunch o. hun+rit
+ollar bills2 =I /ish 0ou all the best in 0our venture6= he sa02 *ister 3ribble 1hone .or a
ta5icab an got us to the railroa+ station2 <e has also arrange+ .or Sue to ri+e in the
baggage car in a crate6 an+ sa0s I can go back there an visit /ith him an take him .oo+
an /ater /hen I /ant2 3he0 brung out the crate an Sue got on insi+e it an the0 took him
o..2
=@ell6 goo+ luck6 (orrest6= *ister 3ribble sa06 an he shake m0 han2 =<ere7s m0 car+so
sta0 in touch an+ let me kno/ ho/ it7s going6 oka0>=
I took the car+ an shook his han again an /as sorr0 to be leavin cause *ister 3ribble
/as a ver0 nice man6 an I ha+ let him +o/n2 I /as settin in m0 seat on the train6 lookin
out the /in+er6 an *ister 3ribble /as still stan+in on the 1lat.orm2 )us as the train 1ulle+
out6 he raise+ u1 his han at me an /ave+ goo+b0e2
So o.. I /ent again6 an .or a long time that night m0 hea+ /as .ull o. +reamso. going
back home again6 o. m0 mama6 o. 1o ole Bubba an o. the srim1 bi+ness an6 o. course6 o.
)enn0 :urran too2 *ore than an0thin in the /orl+6 I /ishe+ I /ere not such a loon0 tune2
%4
@ell6 .inall06 i +one come home again2
3he train got into the *obile station bout three o7clock in the mornin an the0 took o.. ole
Sue in his crate an le. us stan+in on the 1lat.orm2 Din7t nobo+0 else aroun ce1t some
.eller s/ee1in the .loor an a gu0 snooFin on a bench in the +e1ot6 so Sue an me /alke+
on +o/nto/n an .inall0 .oun a 1lace to slee1 in a aban+one+ buil+in2
Ne5 mornin6 I got Sue some bananas +o/n b0 the /har. an .oun+ a little lunch counter
/here I bought a great big break.ast /ith grits an eggs an bacon an 1ancakes an all6 an
then I .iggere+ I ha+ to +o somethin to get us s9uare+ a/a06 so I begun to /alk out to
/here the Little Sisters o. the Poor home /as locate+2 Cn the /a06 /e 1asse+ b0 /here
our ole house use+ to be6 an it /a+n7t nothin le. but a .iel+ o. /ee+s an some burnt u1
/oo+2 It /as a ver0 strange .eelin6 seein that6 an so /e ke1 on goin2
@hen I got to the 1o house6 I tole Sue to /ait in the 0ar+ so as not to startle them sisters
none6 an I /ent in an a5e+ about m0 mama2
3he hea+ sister6 she /as real nice6 an she sa0 she +on7t kno/ /here *ama is6 ce1t she
/ent o.. /ith the 1rotestant6 but that I might tr0 a5in aroun in the 1ark cause mama use
to go an set there in the a.ternoons /ith some other la+ies2 So I got Sue an /e gone on
over there2
3he0 /as some la+ies settin on the benches an I /ent u1 an tole one o. them /ho I /as6
an she looke+ at ole Sue6 an sa06 =I reckon I might o. guess it2=
But then she sa0 she has hear+ that *ama /as /orkin as a 1ants 1resser in a +r0 cleanin
store on the other si+e o. to/n6 an so me an Sue /ent over there an sho enough6 there is
1o ole *ama6 s/eatin over a 1air o. 1ants in the laun+r02
@hen she seen me6 *ama +ro1 everthin an tho/e+ herse. into m0 arms2 She is cr0in an
t/istin her hans an sni..lin ;ust like I remembere+2 ,oo+ ole *ama2
=Ch6 (orrest6= she sa02 =Aou have come home at last2 3here /a+n7t a +a0 gone b0 I +i+n7t
think bout 0ou6 an I +one crie+ m0se. to slee1 ever night since 0ou been gone2= 3hat
+i+n7t su1rise me none tho6 an I a5e+ her bout the 1rotestant2
=3hat lo/+o/n 1olecat6= *ama sa02 =I shoul+ o. kno/e+ better than to run o.. /ith a
1rotestant2 @a+n7t a month /ent b0 be.ore he chucke+ me .or a si5teen0earole girlan
him bein nearl0 si5t02 Let me tell 0ou6 (orrest6 1rotestants ain7t got no morals2=
)ust then a lou+ voice come .rom insi+e the +r0 cleanin sto/6 sa06 =,la+0s6 have 0ou
+one le. the steam 1ress on somebo+07s 1ants>=
=Ch m0 ,o+E= *ama shout6 an run back insi+e2 Dll o. a su++en a big column o. black
smoke blo/e+ out thru the /in+er an 1eo1le insi+e is ba/lin an hollerin an cussin an
ne5 thing I kno/e+6 *ama is bein haule+ out o. the sto/ b0 a big ol+ ugl0 bal+hea+e+
gu0 that is shoutin an manhan+lin her2
=,it outE ,it outE= he holler2 =3his is the last stra/E Aou +one burnt u1 0our last 1air o.
1antsE=
*ama be cr0in an /ee1in an I ste11e+ u1 to the .eller an sa06 =I think 0ou better be takin
0our hans o.. m0 mama2=
=@ho the hell is 0ou>= he a5e+2
=(orrest ,um16= I sa0s back6 an he sa06 =@ell 0ou git 0our ass outta here too6 an take
0our mama /ith 0ou6 cause she +on7t /ork here no moreE=
=Aou best not be talkin that /a0 aroun m0 mama6= I sa0s6 an he sa0 back6 =Aeah> @hat
0ou gonna +o about it>=
So I sho/e+ him2
(irst6 I gra11e+ him an 1icke+ him u1 in the air2 3hen I carrie+ him into /here the0 /as
/ashin all these clothes in a big ole oversiFe laun+r0 machine the0 use .or 9uilts an+
rugs6 an I o1en the to1 an stu.. him in an close the li+ shut an turne+ the +ial to =S1in2=
Last I seen o. him6 his ass /ere hea+e+ .or the =-inse= c0cle2
*ama is ba/lin an +a/bin at her e0es /ith a han+kerchie. an sa06 =Ch6 (orrest6 no/ I
+one lost m0 ;obE=
=4on7t /orr0 none6 *ama6= I tole her6 =everthin gonna be oka06 cause I have got a 1lan2=
=<o/ 0ou gonna have a 1lan6 (orrest>= she sa02 =Aou is a i+iot2 <o/ is a 1o i+iot gonna
have a 1lan>=
=)us /ait an see6= I sa0s2 Dn0ho/6 I am gla+ to have got o.. on the right .oot m0 .irst +a0
home2
@e got outta there6 an starte+ /alkin to/ar+s the roomin house /here *ama sta0in2 I
ha+ +one intro+uce+ her to Sue an she sa0 she /as 1lease+ that at least I have got some
kin+a .rien+even i. he is a a1e2
Dn0ho/6 *ama an me ate su11er at the roomin house an she got Sue a orange .rom the
kitchen6 an a.ter/ar+s6 me an Sue /ent +o/n to the bus station an got the bus to Ba0ou
La Batre6 /here Bubba7s .olks live+2 Sure as rain6 last thing I sa/ o. *ama she /as
stan+in on the 1orch o. the roomin house /i1in her e0es an sobbin as /e le.2 But I ha+
give her ha. the .ive thousan +ollars to sort o. ti+e her over an 1a0 her rent an all till I
coul+ get m0se. establishe+6 so I +i+n7t .eel so ba+2
Dn0ho/6 /hen the bus get to Ba0ou La Batre /e +i+n7t have no trouble .in+in Bubba7s
1lace2 It7s about eight o7clock at night an I knocke+ on the +oor an a.ter a /ile an ole
.eller a11ears an a5e+ /hat I /ant2 I tole him /ho I /as an that I kno/e+ Bubba .rom
1la0in .ootball an .rom the Drm06 an he got kin+a nervous but he invite+ me insi+e2 I
ha+ tole ole Sue to sta0 out in the 0ar+ an kin+a kee1 outta sight since the0 1robl0 hasn7t
seen nothin look like him +o/n here2
Dn0ho/6 it /as Bubba7s +a++06 an he got me a glass o. ice+ tea an starte+ a5in me a lot
o. 9uestions2 @ante+ to kno/ bout Bubba6 bout ho/ he got kilt an all6 an I tole him the
best I coul+2
(inall06 he sa06 =3here7s somethin I been /on+erin all these 0ears6 (orrest/hat +o 0ou
think Bubba +ie+ .or>=
=:ause he got shot6= I sa0s6 but he sa06 =No6 that ain7t /hat I mean2 @hat I mean is6
/h0> @h0 /as /e over there>=
I thought .or a minute6 an sa06 =@ell6 /e /as tr0in to +o the right thing6 I guess2 @e /as
;us +oin /hat /e /as tole2=
Dn he sa06 =@ell6 +o 0ou think it /as /orth it> @hat /e +i+> Dll them bo0s gettin kilt
that /a0>=
Dn I sa0s6 =Look6 I am ;us a i+iot6 see2 But i. 0ou /ant m0 real o1inion6 I think it /as a
bunch o. shit2=
Bubba7s +a++0 no+ his hea+2 =3hat7s /hat I .iggere+6= he sa02
Dn0ho/6 I tole him /h0 I ha+ come there2 3ole him bout me an Bubba7s 1lan to o1en u1
a little srim1 bi+ness6 an ho/ I ha+ met the ole gook /hen I /as in the hos1ital an he
sho/e+ me ho/ to gro/ srim16 an he /as gettin real intereste+ an a5in a lot o.
9uestions6 /hen all o. a su++en the0 is a tremen+ous s9ua/kin set u1 out in the 0ar+2
=Somethin7s a.ter m0 chickensE= Bubba7s +a++0 shout6 an he /ent an got a gun .rom
behin the +oor an go out on the 1orch2
=3he0 is somethin I got to tell 0ou6= I sa0s6 an I tole him bout Sue bein there6 ce1t /e
+on7t see hi+e nor hair o. him2
Bubba7s +a++0 go back in the house an get a .lashlight an shine it aroun in the 0ar+2 <e
shine it un+er a big tree an +o/n at the bottom is a goatbig ole bill0 goat6 stan+in there
1a/in the groun2 <e shine it u1 in the tree an there is 1o Sue6 settin on a limb6 scare+ ha.
to +eath2
=3hat goat7ll +o it ever time6= sa0 Bubba7s +a++02 =,it on a/a0 .rom thereE= he shout6 an
he tho/ a stick at the goat2 D.ter the goat /as gone6 Sue come +o/n .rom the tree an /e
let him insi+e the house2
=@hat is that thing>= Bubba7s +a++0 a5e+2
=<e is a orangutang6= I sa0s2
=Looks kin+a like a gorilla6 +on7t he>=
=D little bit6= I sa0s6 =but he ain7t2=
Dn0/a06 Bubba7s +a++0 sa0 /e can slee1 there that night6 an in the mornin6 he /ill go
aroun /ith us an see i. /e can .in+ some 1lace to start the srim1 bi+ness2 3he0 /as a
nice breeFe blo/in o.. the ba0ou an 0ou cou+ hear .ra/gs an crickets an even the soun
o. a .ish ;um1in ever once in a /ile2 It /as a nice6 1eace.ul 1lace6 an I ma+e u1 m0 min+
then an there that I /as not gonna get into no trouble here2
Ne5 mornin brite an earl0 /e get u1 an Bubba7s +a++0 +one .i5e+ a big break.ast /ith
homema+e sausage an .resh 0ar+ eggs an biscuits an molasses6 an then he take me an
Sue in a little boat an 1ole us +o/n the Ba0ou2 It is calm an the0 is a bit o. mist on the
/ater2 Ever once in a /ile a big ole bir+ /oul+ take o.. outta the marsh2
=No/6= sa0 Bubba7s +a++06 =here is /here the salt ti+e comes in6= an he 1oint to a sle/
that runs u1 in the marsh2 =3here7s some 1rett0 big 1on+s u1 in there6 an i. I /as gonna
+o /hat 0ou 1lannin to +o6 that7s /here I7+ +o it2=
<e 1ole us u1 into the sle/2 =No/ 0ou see there6= he sa06 =that is a little 1iece o. high
groun an 0ou can ;us see the roo. o. a little shack in there2
=It use+ to be live+ in b0 ole 3om Le(arge6 but he been +ea+ .our or .ive 0ears no/2
Din7t nobo+0 o/n it2 Aou /ante+6 0ou coul+ .i5 it u1 a little an sta0 there2 Last time I
looke+6 he ha+ a cou1le o. ole ro/boats 1ulle+ u1 on the bank2 Probl0 ain7t /orth a
+amn6 but 0ou caulk em u16 the07+ 1robl0 .loat2=
<e 1ole us in .urther6 an sa06 =Cle 3om use+ to have some +uckboar+s runnin thru the
marsh +o/n to the 1on+s2 ?se+ to .ish an shoot +ucks in there2 Aou coul+ 1robl0 .i5 em
u12 It7+ be a /a0 o. gettin aroun in there2=
@ell6 let me tell 0ou6 it looke+ i+eal2 Bubba7s +a++0 sa0 the0 get see+ srim1 u1 in them
sle/s an ba0ous all the time6 an it /oul+n7t be no trouble to net a bunch o. em to start o..
the bi+ness /ith2 Dnother thing he sa0 is that in his e51erience6 a srim1 /ill eat
cottonsee+ meal6 /hich is goo+ on account o. it is chea12
3he main thing /e got to +o is block o.. them 1on+s /ith mesh nets an get the little
cabin .i5e+ u1 to live in an get some su11lies like 1eanut butter an ;ell0 an brea+ an all
that kin+ o. shit2 3hen /e be rea+0 to start gro/in our srim12
So /e got starte+ that ver0 +a02 Bubba7s +a++0 took me back to the house an /e gone
into to/n an begun bu0in su11lies2 <e sa0 /e can use his boat till /e get ours .i5e+ u16
an that night me an Sue sta0e+ in the little .ishin shack .or the .irst time2 It raine+ some
an the roo. leake+ like craF06 but I +i+n7t min+2 Ne5 mornin I ;us /ent out an .i5e+ it u12
It took almost a month to get things goinmakin the shack nice an .i5in u1 the ro/boats
an the +uckboar+s in the marsh an la0in the mesh nets aroun one o. them 1on+s2 (inall0
the +a0 come /hen /e is rea+0 to 1ut in some srim12 I have bought a srim1 net an me an
Sue /ent on out in the ro/boat an +ragge+ it aroun .or most o. the +a02 B0 that night6
/e ha+ 1robl0 .i.t0 1oun+s o. srim1 in the bait /ell an /e ro/e+ u1 an +um1e+ em into
the 1on+2 3he0 be crackin an s/immin aroun an +ancin on to1 o. the /ater2 *06 m06 it
/as a lovel0 site2
Ne5 mornin /e got us .ive hun+rit 1oun+s o. cottonsee+ meal an tho/e+ a hun+rit
1oun+s o. it in the 1on+ .or the srim1 to eat an the ne5 a.ternoon /e set about nettinin
another 1on+2 @e +one that all summer an all .all an all /inter an all s1ring an b0 that
time /e has got .our 1on+s o1eratin an everthin is lookin ros02 Dt night I /oul+ set out
on the 1orch o. the shack an 1la0 m0 harmonica an on Satur+a0 night I /oul+ go into
to/n an bu0 a si51ack o. beer an me an Sue /oul+ get +runk2 I .inall0 .eel like I belong
some1lace6 an am +oin a honest +a07s /ork6 an I .igger that /hen /e get the .irst srim1
harveste+ an sol+6 ma0be then it /ill be all right to tr0 to .in+ )enn0 again6 an see i. she
is still ma+ at me2
%$
It /as a ver0 nice +a0 in )une /hen /e .iggere+ it /as time to start our .irst srim1
harvest2 *e an Sue got u1 /ith the sun an /ent +o/n to the 1on+ an +ragge+ a net
acrost it till it got stuck on somethin2 Sue trie+ to 1ull it loose .irst6 then I trie+6 then /e
trie+ together till /e .inall0 .iggere+ out the net /a+n7t stuckit /as ;us so .ull o. srim1
/e coul+n7t move itE
B0 that evenin /e ha+ 1ulle+ in about three hun+rit 1ouns o. srim16 an /e s1ent the
night sortin em out in various siFes2 Ne5 mornin /e 1ut the srim1 in baskets an took em
+o/n to our little ro/boat2 3he0 /eighe+ so much /e +amn near tum1e+ over on the
/a0 u1 to Ba0ou La Batre2
3he0 /as a sea.oo+ 1ackin house there an Sue an me haule+ the srim1 .rom the +ock to
the /eighin room2 D.ter everthin is tote+ u16 /e got oursel.s a check .or eight hun+rit6
si5t0.ive +ollarsE It is about the .irst honest mone0 I ever ma+e since I 1la0e+
harmonica .or 3he :racke+ Eggs2
Ever +a0 .or nearl0 t/o /eeks Sue an me harveste+ srim1 an brought em in to the
1ackin house2 @hen it /as .inall0 over6 /e ha+ ma+e a total o. nine thousan+6 seven
hun+rit +ollars an t/ent0si5 cents2 3he srim1 bi+ness /as a successE
@ell6 let me tell 0ouit /ere a ha110 occasion2 @e took u1 a bushel basket o. srim1 to
Bubba7s +a++0 an he /as real ha110 an sa0 he is 1rou+ o. us an that he /ishe+ Bubba
/ere there too2 3hen me an Sue caught the bus u1 to *obile to celebrate2 (irst thing I
+one /as gone to see m0 mama at the roomin house6 an /hen I tole her about the mone0
an all6 sure enough6 she be clou+in u1 again2 =Ch6 (orrest6= she sa06 =I am so 1rou+ o.
0ou+oin so goo+ an all .or bein retar+e+2=
Dn0ho/6 I tole *ama about m0 1lan6 /hich /as that ne5 0ear /e /as gonna have three
times as man0 srim1 1on+s6 an that /e nee+e+ somebo+0 to /atch over the mone0 an
look a.ter our e51enses an all6 an I a5e+ i. she /oul+ +o that2
=Aou mean I gotta move all the /a0 +o/n to Ba0ou La Batre>= *ama sa02 =Din7t nothin
goin on +o/n there2 @hat am I gonna +o /ith m0se.>=
=:ount mone06= I sa0s2
D.ter that6 me an Sue /ent +o/nto/n an got oursel.s a big meal2 I gone +o/n to the
+ocks an bought Sue a big bunch o. bananas6 an then /ent an got m0se. the biggest
steak +inner I coul+ .in+6 /ith mashe+ 1otatoes an green 1eas an everthin2 3hen I
+eci+e+ to go +rink me a beer some1lace an ;us as I am /alkin b0 this +ark ole saloon
near the /ater.ront6 I hear all this lou+ cussin an shoutin an even a.ter all these 0ears6 I
kno/e+ that voice2 I stuck m0 hea+ in the +oor6 an sure enough6 it /ere ole :urtis .rom
the ?niversit0E
:urtis /ere ver0 ha110 to see me6 callin me a asshole an a cocksucker an a
mother.ucker an everthin else nice he coul+ think o.2 Ds it turns out6 :urtis ha+ gone on
to 1la0 1ro .ootball /ith the @ashington -e+skins a.ter he le. the ?niversit06 an then he
+one got 1ut on /aivers a.ter bitin the team o/ner7s /i.e on the ass at a 1art02 <e 1la0e+
.or a cou1le o. other teams .or a .e/ 0ears6 but a.ter that he got hisse. a ;ob on the +ocks
as a longshoreman /hich6 he sa06 /as suitable .or the amount o. e+ucation he got at the
?niversit02
Dn0/a06 :urtis bought me a cou1le o. beers an /e talke+ about ole times2 3he Snake6
he sa06 ha+ 1la0e+ 9uarterback .or the ,reen Ba0 Packers till he got caught +rinkin a
entire 9uart o. Polish vo+ka +urin hal.time in the *innesota Hikings game2 3hen Snake
/ent an 1la0e+ .or the Ne/ Aa/k ,iants till he calle+ a Statueo.Libert0 1la0 in the
thir+ 9uarter o. the -ams game2 3he ,iants7 coach sa0 ain7t nobo+0 use+ a Statueo.
Libert0 1la0 in 1ro ball since nineteen hun+rit thirt0one6 an that Snake ain7t got no
bi+ness callin one no/2 But actuall06 :urtis sa06 it /a+n7t no Statueo.Libert0 1la0 at
all2 3he truth6 accor+in to :urtis6 /as that Snake /as so s1ace+ out on +o1e that /hen he
.a+e+ back .or a 1ass he +one com1letel0 .orgot to tho/ the ball6 an the le. en+ ;us
ha11en to see /hat is goin on6 an run aroun behin him an take the ball a/a02 Dn0ho/6
:urtis sa0 the Snake is no/ assistant coach .or a tin0might team some1lace in ,eorgia2
D.ter a cou1le o. beers6 I got a i+ea6 an tole :urtis about it2
=<o/7+ 0ou like to come /ork .or me>= I a5e+2
:urtis be cussin an hollerin but a.ter a minute or t/o I .igger out he is tr0in to a5e me
/hat I /ant him to +o6 so I tole him about the srim1 bi+ness an that /e /as gonna
e51an+ our o1eration2 <e cuss an holler some more6 but the gist o. /hat he is sa0in is
=0es2=
So all thru that summer an .all an the ne5t s1ring /e be /orkin har+6 me an Sue an
*ama an :urtisan I even ha+ a ;ob .or Bubba7s +a++02 3hat 0ear /e ma+e nearl0 thirt0
thousan +ollars an are gettin bigger all the time2 3hings coul+n7t o. been goin better
*ama ain7t ba/lin har+l0 at all6 an one +a0 /e even seen :urtis smile oncealtho he
sto11e+ an starte+ cussin again soon as he sa/ us /atchin2 (or me6 tho6 it ain7t 9uite as
ha110 as it might be6 cause I am thinkin a lot about )enn0 an /hat has become o. her2
Cne +a06 I ;us +eci+e+ to +o somethin bout it2 It /as a Sun+a06 an I got +resse+ u1 an
caught the bus u1 to *obile an /ent over to )enn07s mama7s house2 She /as settin
insi+e6 /atchin tv6 /hen I knocke+ on the +oor2
@hen I tole her /ho I /as6 she sa06 =(orrest ,um1E I ;us can7t believe it2 :7mon inE=
@ell6 /e set there a /ile an she a5e+ bout *ama an /hat I7+ been +oin an everthin6 an
.inall0 I a5e+ about )enn02
=Ch6 I reall0 +on7t hear .rom her much these +a0s6= *rs2 :urran sa02 =I think the0 livin
some1lace in North :arolina2=
=She got a roomate or somethin>= I a5e+2
=Ch6 +i+n7t 0ou kno/6 (orrest>= she sa02 =)enn0 got marrie+2=
=*arrie+>= I sa02
=It /as a cou1le o. 0ears ago2 She7+ been livin in In+iana2 3hen she /ent to @ashington
an ne5 thing I kne/6 I got a 1ostcar+ sa0in she /as marrie+6 an the0 /as movin to North
:arolina or some1lace2 Aou /ant me to tell her an0thin i. I hear .rom her>=
=No7m6= I sa0s6 =not reall02 *a0be ;us tell her I /ish her goo+ luck an all2=
=I sure /ill6= *rs2 :urran sa06 =an I7m so gla+ 0ou came b02=
I +unno6 I reckon I ought to o. been rea+0 .or that ne/s6 but I /a+n7t2
I coul+ .eel m0 heart 1oun+in6 an m0 hans got col+ an +am1 an all I cou+ think o. /as
goin some1lace an curlin u1 into a ball the /a0 I ha+ that time a.ter Bubba got kilt6 an so
that7s /hat I +i+2 I .oun some shrubs in back o. somebo+07s 0ar+ an I cra/le+ un+er
there an ;us got m0se. into a ball2 I think I even commence+ to suck m0 thumb6 /hich I
ain7t +one in a long /ile since m0 mama al/a0s sai+ it /as a sure sign that somebo+07s a
i+iot6 unless the0 are a bab02 Dn0ho/6 I +on7t kno/ ho/ long I sta0e+ there2 It /as most
o. a +a0 an a ha. I guess2
I +i+n7t .eel no blame .or )enn06 she +one /hat she ha+ to2 D.ter all6 I am a i+iot6 an /ile
a lot o. 1eo1le sa0 the0 is marrie+ to i+iots6 the0 coul+n7t never imagine /hat /oul+ be
in store i. the0 ever marrie+ a real one2 *ostl06 I guess6 I am ;us .eelin sorr0 .or m0se.6
because someho/ I ha+ actuall0 got to /here I believe+ that )enn0 an me /oul+ be
together some+a02 Dn so /hen I learnt .rom her mama that she is marrie+6 it /as like a
1art o. me has +ie+ an /ill never be again6 .or gettin marrie+ is not like runnin a/a02
,ettin marrie+ is a ver0 serious +eal2 Sometime +urin the night I crie+6 but it +i+ not he1
much2
It /as later that a.ternoon /hen I cra/le+ out o. the shrubs an gone on back to Ba0ou La
Batre2 I +i+n7t tell nobo+0 /hat ha+ ha11ene+6 cause I .iggere+ it /oul+n7t o. +one no
goo+2 3he0 /as some /ork I nee+e+ to +o aroun the 1on+s6 men+in nets an such6 an I
/ent on out b0 m0se. an +one it2 B0 the time I get .inishe+ it is +ark6 an I +one ma+e a
+ecisionI am gonna tho/ m0se. into the srim1 bi+ness an /ork m0 ass o..2 It is all I can
+o2
Dn so I +i+2
3hat 0ear /e ma+e sevent0.ive thousan +ollars be.ore e51enses an the bi+ness is gettin
so big I got to hire more 1eo1le to he1 me run it2 Cne 1erson I get is ole Snake6 the
9uarterback .rom the ?niversit02 <e is not too ha110 /ith his 1resent ;ob /ith the
tin0might .ootball team an so I 1ut him to /ork /ith :urtis in charge o. +re+gin an
s1ill/a0 +uties2 3hen I .in+ out that :oach (ellers .rom the highschool is +one retire+ an
so I give him a ;ob6 along /ith his t/o goons /ho has also retire+6 /orkin on boats an
+ocks2
Prett0 soon the ne/s1a1ers get /in+ o. /hat is goin on an sen+ a re1orter +o/n to
intervie/ me .or a sort o. =local bo0 makes goo+= stor02 It a11ears the ne5 Sun+a06 /ith
a 1hoto o. me an *ama an Sue6 an the hea+line sa06 =:erti.iable I+iot (in+s (uture in
Novel *arine E51eriment2=
Dn0ho/6 not too long a.ter that6 *ama sa0 to me that /e nee+ to get somebo+0 to he1
her /ith the bookkee1in 1art o. the bi+ness an give some kin+ o. a+vice on .inancial
things on account o. /e is makin so much mone02 I +one thought bout it a /ile6 an then I
+eci+e+ to get in touch /ith *ister 3ribble6 cause he ha+ ma+e a bunch o. mone0 in
bi+ness be.ore he retire+2 <e /as +elighte+ I ha+ calle+6 he sa06 an /ill be on the ne5
1lane +o/n2
D /eek a.ter he gets here6 *ister 3ribble sa0 /e got to set +o/n an talk2
=(orrest6= he sa06 =/hat 0ou have +one here is nothing short o. remarkable6 but 0ou are
at a 1oint /here 0ou nee+ to begin some serious .inancial 1lanning2=
I a5e+ him /hat bout6 an he sa0 this: =InvestmentsE 4iversi.icationE Look6 as I see it6
this ne5t .iscal 0ear 0ou are going to have 1ro.its at about a hun+re+ an+ ninet0 thousan+
+ollars2 3he .ollo/ing 0ear it /ill bear near a 9uarter o. a million2 @ith such 1ro.its 0ou
must reinvest them or the I-S /ill ta5 0ou into oblivion2 -einvestment is the ver0 heart
o. Dmerican businessE=
Dn so that7s /hat /e +i+2
*ister 3ribble took charge o. all that6 an /e .orme+ a cou1le o. cor1orations2 Cne /as
=,um17s Shell.ish :om1an02= Dnother /as calle+ =Sue7s Stu..e+ :rabs6 Inc26= an another
/as =*ama7s :ra/.ish >tou..>e6 Lt+2=
@ell6 the 9uarter o. a million become ha. a million an the 0ear .ollo/in that6 a million6
an so on6 till a.ter .our more 0ears /e +one become a .ive million +ollar a 0ear bi+ness2
@e got nearl0 three hun+re+ em1lo0ees no/6 inclu+in 3he 3ur+ an 3he Hegetable6
/hose rasslin +a0s /ere over6 an /e got them loa+in crates at the /arehouse2 @e trie+
like hell to .in+ 1o 4an6 but he +one vanishe+ /ithout a trace2 @e +i+ .in+ ole *ike6 the
rasslin 1romoter6 an 1ut him in charge o. 1ublic relations an a+vertisin2 Dt *ister
3ribble7s suggestion6 *ike +one even hire+ -a9uel @elch to +o some television a+s .or
usthe0 +resse+ her u1 to look like a crab6 an she +ance aroun an sa06 =Aou ain7t never
ha+ crabs till 0ou tr0 Sue7sE=
Dn0ho/6 things has gotten real bigtime2 @e got a .leet o. re.rigerator trucks an a .leet
o. srim16 o0ster an .ishin boats2 @e got our o/n 1ackin house6 an a o..ice buil+in6 an
have investe+ heavil0 in real estate such as con+ominiums an sho11in centers an in oil
an gas leases2 @e +one hire+ ole Pro.essor 8uackenbush6 the English teacher .rom u1 at
<arvar+ ?niversit06 /ho have been .ire+ .rom his ;ob .or molestin a stu+ent6 an ma+e
him a cook in *ama7s >tou..>e o1eration2 @e also hire+ :olonel ,ooch6 /ho got
+rumme+ out o. the Drm0 a.ter m0 *e+al o. <onor tour2 *ister 3ribble 1ut him in
charge o. =covert activities2=
*ama has gone an ha+ us a big ole house built cause she sa0 it ain7t right .or a cor1orate
e5ecutive like me to be livin in no shack2 *ama sa0 Sue can sta0 on in the shack an
kee1 an e0e on things2 Ever +a0 no/6 I got to /ear a suit an carr0 a brie.case like a
la/0er2 I got to go to meetins all the time an listen to a bunch o. shit that soun+ like
10gmie talk6 an 1eo1le be callin me =*ister ,um16= an all2 In *obile6 the0 +one give
me the ke0s to the cit0 an a5e+ me to be on the boar+ o. +irectors o. the hos1ital an the
s0m1hon0 orchestra2
Dn then one +a0 some 1eo1le come b0 the o..ice an sa0 the0 /ant to run me .or the
?nite+ States Senate2
=Aou7re an absolute natural6= this one .eller sa02 <e is /earing a searsucker suit an
smokin a big cigar2 =D .ormer star .ootball 1la0er .or Bear Br0ant6 a /ar hero6 a .amous
astronaut an+ the con.i+ant o. Presi+ents/hat more can 0ou ask>E= he a5e2 *ister
:la5ton is his name2
=Look6= I tell him6 =I am ;ust a i+iot2 I +on7t kno/ nothin bout 1olitics2=
=3hen 0ou /ill .it in 1er.ectl0E= *ister :la5ton sa02 =Listen6 /e nee+ goo+ men like
0ou2 Salt o. the earth6 I tell 0ouE Salt o. the earthE=
I +i+ not like this i+ea an0 more than I like a lot o. the other i+eas 1eo1le have .or me6
on account o. other 1eo1le7s i+eas are usuall0 /hat get me into trouble2 But sure enough6
/hen I tole m0 mama6 she get all tear0e0e+ an 1rou+ an sa0 it /oul+ be the ans/er to
all her +reams to see her bo0 be a ?nite+ States Senator2
@ell6 the +a0 come /hen /e is to announce m0 can+i+ac02 *ister :la5ton an them
others hire+ the au+itorium u1 in *obile an haule+ me out on the stage in .ront o. a
cro/+ that 1ai+ .i.t0 cents a1iece to come listen to m0 shit2 3he0 begin /ith a lot o.
long/in+e+ s1eeches an then it come m0 turn2
=*0 .eller Dmericans6= I begin2 *ister :la5ton an the others have /rit me a s1eech to
give an later the0 /ill be 9uestions .rom the au+ience2 3H cameras are rollin an
.lashbulbs are 1o11in an re1orters are scribblin in their notebooks2 I rea+ the /hole
s1eech6 /hich ain7t ver0 long an +on7t make much sensebut /hat +o I kno/> I am ;us a
i+iot2
@hen I am .inishe+ talkin6 a la+0 .rom the ne/s1a1er stan+ u1 an look at her note1a+2
=@e are currentl0 on the brink o. nuclear +isaster6= she sa06 =the econom0 is in ruins6 our
nation is revile+ throughout the /orl+6 la/lessness 1revails in our cities6 1eo1le starve o.
hunger ever0 +a06 religion is gone .rom our homes6 gree+ an+ avarice is ram1ant
ever0/here6 our .armers are going broke6 .oreigners are inva+ing our countr0 an+ taking
our ;obs6 our unions are corru1t6 babies are +0ing in the ghettos6 ta5es are un.air6 our
schools are in chaos an+ .amine6 1estilence an+ /ar hang over us like a clou+in vie/ o.
all this6 *ister ,um16= she a5e6 =/hat6 in 0our min+6 is the most 1ressing issue o. the
moment>= 3he 1lace /as so 9uiet 0ou coul+a hear+ a 1in +ro12
=I got to 1ee6= I sa0s2
Dt this6 the cro/+ /ent /ileE Peo1le begun hollerin an cheerin an shoutin an /avin the0
han+s in the air2 (rom the back o. the room somebo+0 starte+ chantin an 1rett0 soon the
/hole au+itorium /as +oin it2
=@E ,C3 3C PEEE @E ,C3 3C PEEE @E ,C3 3C PEEE= the0 /as 0ellin2
*0 mama ha+ been settin there behin+ me on the stage an she got u1 an come +rug me
a/a0 .rom the s1eaker7s stan+2
=Aou ought to be ashame+ o. 0ourse.6= she sa06 =talkin like that in 1ublic2=
=No6 noE= *ister :la5ton sa0s2 =It7s 1er.ectE 3he0 love it2 3his /ill be our cam1aign
sloganE=
=@hat /ill>= *ama a5e+2 <er e0es narro/e+ +o/n to little bea+s2
=@e ,ot to PeeE = *ister :la5ton sa02 =)ust listen to themE No one has ever ha+ such a
ra11ort /ith the common 1eo1leE=
But mama ain7t bu0in none o. it2 =@hoever hear+ o. an0bo+0 usin a cam1aign slogan
like thatE= she sa0s2 =It7s vulgar an +isgustingbesi+es6 /hat +oes it mean>=
=It7s a s0mbol6= *ister :la5ton sa0s2 =)ust think6 /e7ll have billboar+s an+ 1lacar+s an+
bum1er stickers ma+e u12 3ake out television an+ ra+io a+s2 It7s a stroke o. genius6 that7s
/hat it is2 @e ,ot to Pee is a s0mbol o. ri++ance o. the 0oke o. government o11ression
o. evacuation o. all that is /rong /ith this countr0222 It signi.ies .rustration an+
im1en+ing relie.E=
=@hatE= *ama a5e+ sus1iciousl02 =Is 0ou lost 0our min+>=
=(orrest6= *ister :la5ton sa0s6 =0ou are on 0our /a0 to @ashington2=
Dn so it seeme+2 3he cam1aign /as goin along 1rett0 goo+ an =@e ,ot to Pee= ha+
become the b0/or+ o. the +a02 Peo1le shoute+ it on the street an .rom cars an busses2
3elevision commentators an ne/s1a1er columnists s1ent a lot o. time tr0ing to tell .olks
/hat it meant2 Preachers 0elle+ it .rom their 1ul1its an chil+ren chante+ it in school2 It
/as beginnin to look like I /as a shooin .or the election6 an6 in .act6 the can+i+ate
runnin against me6 he got so +es1erate he ma+e u1 his o/n slogan6 =I ,ot to Pee6 3oo 6=
an 1lastere+ it all over the state2
3hen it all .ell a1art6 ;us like I /as a.rai+ it /oul+2
3he =I ,ot to Pee= +eal +one come to the attention o. the national me+ia an 1rett0 soon
the @ashington Post an the Ne/ Aa/k 3imes sent +o/n their investigating re1orters to
look into the matter2 3he0 a5e+ me a lot o. 9uestions an /as real nice an .rien+l0
soun+ing6 but then the0 /ent back an begun to +ig u1 m0 1ast2 Cne +a0 the stories broke
on the .ront 1age o. ever ne/s1a1er in the countr02 =Senatorial :an+i+ate <as
:heckere+ :areer6= sa0 the hea+lines2
(irst6 the0 /rite that I +one .lunke+ out o. the ?niversit0 m0 .irst 0ear2 3hen the0 +ug u1
that shit about me an )enn0 /hen the co1s haule+ me in .rom the movie theater2 Ne5t
the0 +rag out the 1hotogra1h o. me sho/in m0 ass to Presi+ent )ohnson in the -ose
,ar+en2 3he0 a5e+ aroun about m0 +a0s in Boston /ith 3he :racke+ Eggs an 9uote
1eo1le sa0in that I +one smoke+ mari;uana an also mention =a 1ossible arson inci+ent=
at <arvar+ ?niversit02
@orstthe0 +one .in+ out about the criminal charges I got .or tho/in m0 me+al at the
?2S2 :a1itol an that I been sentence+ b0 a ;u+ge to a loon0 as0lum2 Dlso6 the0 kne/ all
about m0 rasslin career6 too6 an that I /as calle+ 3he 4unce2 3he0 even ran a 1hoto o.
me being tie+ u1 b0 3he Pro.essor2 (inall06 the0 mention several =unname+ sources=
sa0in I /as involve+ in a =<oll0/oo+ se5 scan+al /ith a /ellkno/n actress2=
3hat +i+ it2 *ister :la5ton come rushin into cam1aign hea+9uarters screamin6 =@e are
ruintE @e have been stabbe+ in the backE= an shit like that2 But it /as over2 I ha+ no
choice ce1t to /ith+ra/ .rom the race6 an the ne5t +a0 *ama an me an *ister 3ribble
set +o/n .or a talk2
=(orrest6= *ister 3ribble sa06 =I think it might be goo+ .or 0ou to la0 lo/ .or a /hile2=
I kno/e+ he /as right2 Dn besi+es6 there is other things that been naggin at m0 min+ .or
a long time no/6 though I ain7t sai+ nothin about them be.ore2
@hen the srim1 bi+ness .irst starte+ u16 I kin+ o. en;o0e+ the /ork6 gettin u1 at +a/n an
goin +o/n to the 1on+s an 1uttin u1 the nets an then harvestin the srim1 an all6 an me an
Sue settin at night on the 1orch o. the .ishin shack 1la0in the harmonica6 an gettin a si5
1ack o. beer on Satur+a0 an gettin +runk2
No/ it ain7t nothing like that2 I got to go to all sorts o. +inner 1arties /here 1eo1le
servin a lot o. m0steriouslookin .oo+ an the la+ies /earin big ole earrings an shit2 Dll
+a0 long the 1hone +on7t never sto1 ringin an 1eo1le be /antin to a5e me bout everthin
un+er the sun2 In the Senate6 it /oul+ have ;us been /orse2 No/ I ain7t got no time to
m0se. as it is6 an someho/6 things are sli11in 1ast me2
(urthermore6 I look in the mirror no/ an I got /rinkles on m0 .ace6 an m0 hair is turnin
gra0 at the e+ges an I ain7t got as much energ0 as I use+ to2 I kno/ things are movin
along /ith the bi+ness6 but m0se.6 I .eel like I7m ;us s1innin in 1lace2 I7m /on+erin ;us
/h0 am I +oin all this .or> D long time ago6 me an Bubba ha+ a 1lan6 /hich has no/
gone be0on our /il+est +reams6 but so /hat> It ain7t ha. as much .un as the time I 1la0e+
against them Nebraska corn shucker ;acko..s in the Crange Bo/l6 or took a ri+e on m0
harmonica u1 at Boston /ith 3he :racke+ Eggs6 or6 .or that matter6 /atche+ =3he
Beverl0 <illbillies= /ith ole Presi+ent )ohnson2
Dn I s1ose )enn0 :urran has somethin to +o /ith it6 too6 but since ain7t nobo+0 can +o
nothin bout that6 I might as /ell .orget it2
Dn0ho/6 I realiFe I got to get a/a02 *ama be /ee1in an ba/lin an +aubbin at her e0es
/ith the han+kerchie. like I .iggere+ she /ou+6 but *ister 3ribble un+erstan com1letel02
=@h0 +on7t /e ;us tell everbo+0 0ou are taking a long vacation6 (orrest6= he sa02 =Dn o.
course 0our share o. the bi+ness /ill be here /henever 0ou /ant it2=
So that7s /hat I +one2 Cne mornin a .e/ +a0s later I got a little cash6 an tho/e+ a .e/
things in a +u..lebag an then gone +o/n to the 1lant2 I tole *ama an *ister 3ribble
goo+b0e an then /ent aroun an shook hans /ith everbo+0 else*ike an Pro.essor
8uackenbush an 3he 3ur+ an 3he Hegetable an Snake an :oach (ellers an his goons an
Bubba7s +a++0 an all the rest2
3hen I gone to the shack an .oun ole Sue2
=@hat 0ou gonna +o>= I a5e+2
Sue gra11e+ holt o. m0 han an then he 1icke+ u1 m0 bag an carrie+ it out the +oor2 @e
got in the little ro/boat an 1a++le+ u1 to Ba0ou La Batre an caught the bus to *obile2 D
la+0 in the ticket o..ice there sa06 =@here 0ou /ant to go>= an I shrugge+ m0 shoul+ers6
so she sa06 =@h0 +on7t 0ou go to Savannah> I been there once an it is a real nice to/n2=
So that7s /hat /e +i+2
%"
@e got o.. the bus at savannah6 /here it /as rainin to beat the ban+2 Sue an me /ent in
the +e1ot an I got a cu1 o. co..ee an took it out un+er the eaves an trie+ to .igger out
/hat /e gonna +o ne52
I ain7t got no 1lan6 reall06 so a.ter I .inish m0 co..ee I took out m0 harmonica an begun
to 1la02 I 1la0e+ a cou1le o. songs6 an lo an behole6 a .eller that /as /alkin b06 he
tho/e+ a 9uarter in m0 co..ee cu12 I 1la0e+ a cou1le o. more songs6 an a.ter a /ile the
co..ee cu1 is bout ha. .ull o. change2
It +one 9uit rainin so Sue an me /alke+ on o.. an in a little bit come to a 1ark in the
mi++le o. to/n2 I set +o/n on a bench an 1la0e+ some more an sure enough6 1eo1le
begun to +ro1 9uarters an +imes an nickels in the co..ee cu12 3hen ole Sue6 he caught
on6 an /hen .olks /oul+ 1ass b06 he7+ take the co..ee cu1 an go u1 to them /ith it2 Dt
the en+ o. the +a06 I7+ got nearl0 .ive +ollars2
@e sle1 in the 1ark that night on a bench an it /as a .ine6 clear night an the stars an
moon /as out2 In the mornin /e got some break.ast an I begun to 1la0 the harmonica
again as .olks starte+ sho/in u1 .or /ork2 @e ma+e eight bucks that +a0 an nine the ne56
an b0 the en+ o. the /eek /e ha+ +one 1rett0 goo+6 consi+erin2 D.ter the /eeken+6 I
.oun a little music sho1 an /ent in there to see i. I coul+ .in+ another harmonica in the
ke0 o. , on account o. 1la0ing in : all the time /as gettin monotonous2 Cver in a
corner I seen that the .eller ha+ a use+ ke0boar+ .or sale2 It look 1rett0 much like the one
ole ,eorge use+ to 1la0 /ith 3he :racke+ Eggs an that he ha+ taught me a .e/ chor+s
on2
I a5e+ ho/ much he /ante+ .or it6 an the .eller sa0 t/o hun+rit +ollars6 but he /ill make
me a +eal2 So I bought the ke0boar+ an the .eller even rigge+ u1 a stan+ on it so7s I coul+
1la0 m0 harmonica too2 It +e.inatel0 im1rove+ our 1o1ularit0 /ith the 1eo1le2 B0 the
en+ o. the ne5 /eek /e /as makin almost ten bucks a +a06 so I gone on back to the
music sho1 an bought a set o. use+ +rums2 D.ter a .e/ +a0s 1ractice6 I got to /here I
coul+ 1la0 them +rums 1rett0 goo+ too2 I chucke+ out the ole St0ro.oam co..ee cu1 an
got a nice tin cu1 .or Sue to 1ass aroun an /e /as +oin 1rett0 goo+ .or oursel.s2 I /as
1la0in everthing .rom =3he Night 3he0 4rove Cle 4i5ie 4o/n= to =S/ing Lo6 S/eet
:hariot6= an+ I ha+ also .oun a roomin house that let ole Sue sta0 there6 an serve+
break.ast an su11er too2
Cne morning Sue an me is going to the 1ark /hen it starte+ to rain again2 Cne thing
about Savannahit rains buckets ever other +a0 there6 or so it seems2 @e /as /alking
+o/n the street in .ront o. a o..ice buil+ing /hen su++enl0 I seen something that looke+
vaguel0 .amiliar2
3here is a man in a business suit stan+ing on the si+e/alk /ith a unbrella an he is
stan+in right in .ront o. a big 1lastic garbage bag2 Somebo+0 is un+er the garbage bag6
kee1in out o. the rain6 an all 0ou can see is a 1air o. han+s reachin out .rom un+er the
bag6 shinin the shoes o. the man in the suit2 I gone acrost the street an+ looke+ closer6 an
lo an+ behol6 I can ;ust make out the little /heels o. one o. them +oll0/agons stickin
out .rom un+er the bag too2 I /as so ha110 I coul+ o. ;ust about bust6 an I /ent u1 an
tho/e+ the garbage bag o.. an sure enough6 it /as ole 4an hisse.6 shinin shoes .or a
livinE
=,imme that bag back 0ou big oa.6= 4an sa06 =I7m gettin soakin /et out here2= 3hen he
sa/ Sue2 =So 0ou .inall0 got marrie+6 huh>= 4an sa02
=It7s a he 6= I tole him2 =Aou remember.rom /hen I /ent to s1ace2=
=Aou gonna shine m0 shoes6 or /hat>= sa0 the .eller in the suit2
=(uck o..6= 4an sa0s6 =be.ore I che/ 0our soles in hal.2= 3he .eller6 he /alke+ a/a02
=@hat 0ou +oin here6 4an>= I a5e+2
=@hat +oes it look like I7m +oing>= he sa02 =I7ve become a :ommunist2=
=Aou mean like them /e /as .ightin in the /ar>= I a5e+2
=Nah6= sa0s he6 =them /as gook :ommunists2 I7m a real :ommunist*ar56 Lennin6
3rotsk0all that bullshit2=
=3hen /hat 0ou shinin shoes .or>= I sa02
=3o shame the im1erialist lacke0s6= he ans/ers2 =3he /a0 I got it .igure+6 nobo+0 /ith
shine+ shoes is /orth a shit6 so the more shoes I shine6 the more I7ll sen+ to hell in a
han+basket2=
=@ell6 i. 0ou sa0 so6= I sa0s6 an then 4an tho/e+ +o/n his rag an /heel himsel. back
un+er the a/nin to git outta the rain2
=D/e hell6 (orrest6 I ain7t no +amne+ :ommunist6= he sa02 =3he0 /oul+n7t /ant nobo+0
like me an0ho/6 /a0 I am2=
=Sure the0 /oul+6 4an6= I sa0s2 =Aou al/a0s tole me I coul+ be an0thin I /ante+ to be
an +o an0thin I /ant to +oan so can 0ou2=
=Aou still believin that shit>= he a5e+2
=I got to see -a9uel @elch butt neckit6= I sa0s2
=-eall0>= 4an sa06 =/hat /as it like>=
@ell6 a.ter that6 4an an Sue an me kin+a teame+ u12 4an +i+n7t /ant to sta0 in the
boar+in house6 so he sle1 outsi+e at night un+er his garbage bag2 =Buil+s character6= /as
ho/ he 1ut it2 <e tole bout /hat he7+ been +oin since he le.t In+iana1olis2 (irst6 he7+ lost
all the mone0 .rom the rasslin business at the +og track an /hat /as le. he +rank u12
3hen he got a ;ob at a auto sho1 /orking un+er cars cause it /as eas0 .or him /ith the
little +oll0/agon an all6 but he sai+ he got tire+ o. oil an grease bein +ri11e+ on him all
the time2 =I ma0 be a nolegge+6 nogoo+6 +runken bum6= he sa06 =but I ain7t never been
no greaseball2=
Ne56 he gone back to @ashington /here the07s havin a big +e+ication .or some
monument .or us /hat /ent to the Hietnam @ar6 an /hen the0 seen him6 an .oun out
/ho he /as6 the0 a5e+ him to make a s1eech2 But he got goo+ an +runk at some
rece1tion6 an .orgot /hat he /as gonna sa02 So he stole a Bible .rom the hotel the0 1ut
him u1 in6 an /hen it come his time to s1eak6 he rea+ them the entire book o. ,enesis an
/as .i5in to +o some e5cer1ts .rom Numbers /hen the0 turne+ o.. his mike an haule+
his ass a/a02 D.ter that6 he trie+ beggin .or a /ile6 but 9uit because it /as =un+igni.ie+2=
I tole him about 1la0in chess /ith *ister 3ribble an about the srim1 bi+ness bein so
success.ul an all6 an about runnin .or the ?nite+ States Senate6 but he seeme+ more
intereste+ in -a9uel @elch2
=Aou think them tits o. hers are real>= he a5e+2
@e ha+ been in Savannah about a month6 I guess6 an /as +oin 1rett0 goo+2 I +one m0
oneman ban+ act an Sue collecte+ the mone0 an 4an shine+ 1eo1le7s shoes in the
cro/+2 Cne +a0 a gu0 come .rom the ne/s1a1er an took our 1itchers an ran them on the
.ront 1age2
=4erelicts Loitering in Public Park6= sa0s the ca1tion2
Cne a.ternoon I7m settin there 1la0in an thinkin ma0be /e outta go on u1 to :harleston
/hen I notice a little bo0 stan+in right in .ront o. the +rums6 ;us starin at me2
I /as 1la0in =-i+in on the :it0 o. Ne/ Crleans6= but the little .eller ke1 lookin at me6
not smilin or nothin6 but the0 /as somethin in his e0es that kin+a shine+ an glo/e+ an in
a /ier+ /a0 remin+e+ me o. somethin2 Dn then I look u16 an stan+in there at the e+ge o.
the cro/+ /as a la+06 an /hen I sa/ her6 I like to .ainte+2
Lo an behole6 it /as )enn0 :urran2
She +one got her hair u1 in rollers an she looke+ a bit ol+er6 too6 an sort o. tire+6 but it is
)enn0 all right2 I am so sur1rise+6 I blo/e+ a sour note on m0 harmonica b0 mistake6 but
I .inishe+ the song6 an )enn0 come u1 an take the little bo0 b0 the han2
<er e0es /as beamin6 an she sa06 =Ch6 (orrest6 I kne/ it /as 0ou /hen I hear+ the
harmonica2 Nobo+0 1la0s the harmonica like 0ou +o2=
=@hat 0ou +oin here>= I a5e+2
=@e live here no/6= she sa02 =4onal+ is assistant sales manager /ith some 1eo1le make
roo.in tiles2 @e been here bout three 0ears no/2=
:ause I 9uit 1la0in6 the cro/+ +one +ri.te+ o.. an )enn0 set +o/n on the bench ne5 to
me2 3he little bo0 be .oolin aroun /ith Sue6 an Sue6 he +one starte+ turnin cart/heels
so7s the bo0 /oul+ laugh2
=<o/ come 0ou 1la0in in a oneman ban+>= )enn0 a5e+2 =*ama /rote me 0ou ha+
starte+ a great big ole srim1 bi+ness +o/n at Ba0ou La Batre an /as a millionaire2=
=It7s a long stor06= I sa0s2
=Aou +i+n7t get in trouble again6 +i+ 0ou6 (orrest>= she sa02
=No1e6 not this time6= I sa0s2 =<o/ bout 0ou> Aou +oin oka0>=
=Ch6 I reckon I am6= she sa02 =I s1ose I got /hat I /ante+2=
=3hat 0our little bo0>= I a5e+2
=Ae16= she sa06 =ain7t he cute>=
=Shore is/hat 0ou call him>=
=(orrest2=
=(orrest>= I sa02 =Aou name him a.ter me>=
=I ought to6= she sa0 sort o. 9uietl02 =D.ter all6 he7s ha. 0ours2=
=<a./hatE=
=<e7s 0our son6 (orrest2=
=*0 /hatE=
=Aour son2 Little (orrest2= I looke+ over an there he /as6 gigglin an cla11in cause Sue
/as no/ +oin hanstan+s2
=I guess I shoul+ o. tole 0ou6= )enn0 sa06 =but /hen I le. In+iana1olis6 0ou see6 I /as
1regnant2 I +i+n7t /ant to sa0 an0thing6 I +on7t kno/ ;ust /h02 I .elt like6 /ell6 there 0ou
/as6 callin 0oursel. 73he 4unce7 an all6 an I /as gonna have this bab02 Dn I /as /orrie+6
sort o.6 bout ho/ he7+ turn out2=
=Aou mean6 /as he gonna be a i+iot>=
=Aeah6 sort o.6= she sa02 =But look6 (orrest6 can7t 0ou seeE <e ain7t no i+iot at allE <e7s
smart as a /hi1gonna go into secon+ gra+e this 0ear2 <e ma+e all 7D7s7 last 0ear2 :an
0ou believe itE=
=Aou sure he7s mine>= I a5e+2
=Din7t no 9uestion o. it6= she sa02 =<e /ants to be a .ootball 1la0er /hen he gro/s u1or
a astronaut2=
I look over at the little .eller again an he is a strong6 .inelookin bo02 <is e0es is clear an
he +on7t look like he a.rai+ o. nothin2 <im an Sue is 1la0in tictactoe in the +irt2
=@ell6= I sa0s6 =no/ /hat about6 ah6 0our222=
=4onal+>= )enn0 sa0s2 =@ell6 he +on7t kno/ bout 0ou2 Aou see6 I met him ;ust a.ter I le.t
In+iana1olis2 Dn I /as bout to start sho/in an all6 an I +i+n7t kno/ /hat to +o2 <e7s a
nice6 kin+ man2 <e takes goo+ care o. me an little (orrest2 @e got us a house an t/o cars
an ever Satur+a0 he takes us some1lace like the beach or out in the countr02 @e go to
church on Sun+a06 an 4onal+ is savin u1 to sen+ little (orrest to college an all2=
=:ou+ I see himI mean6 ;us .or a minute or t/o>= I a5e+2
=Sure6= )enn0 sa06 an she call the little .eller over2
=(orrest6= she sa0s6 =I /ant 0ou to meet another (orrest2 <e7s a ole .rien+ o. minean he
is /ho 0ou are name+ a.ter2=
3he little gu0 come an set +o/n b0 me an sa06 =@hat a .unn0 monke0 0ou got2=
=3hat is a orangutang6= I sa02 =<is name is Sue2=
=<o/ come 0ou call him Sue6 i. it7s a he> =
I kno/e+ right then that I +i+n7t have no i+iot .or a son2 =Aour mama sa0 0ou /ant to
gro/ u1 to be a .ootball 1la0er6 or a astronaut6= I sa0s2
=I sure /oul+6= he sa02 =Aou kno/ an0thing about .ootball or astronauts>=
=Ae16= I sa06 =a little bit6 but ma0be 0ou ought to a5e 0our +a++0 bout that2 I7m sure he
kno/s a lot more than me2=
3hen he give me a hug2 It /eren7t a big hug6 but it /as enough2 =I /ant to 1la0 /ith Sue
some more6= he sa06 an ;um1 +o/n .rom the bench6 an ole Sue6 he +one organiFe+ a
game /here little (orrest coul+ tho/ a coin into the tin cu1 an Sue /oul+ catch it in the
air2
)enn0 come over an set ne5 to me an sighe+6 an she 1at me on the leg2
=I can7t believe it sometimes6= she sa02 =@e7ve kno/e+ each other nearl0 thirt0 0ears
no/ever since .irst gra+e2=
3he sun is shinin thru the trees6 right on )enn07s .ace6 an the0 might o. been a tear in her
e0es6 but it never come6 an 0et the0 is somethin there6 a heartbeat ma0be6 but I reall0
coul+n7t sa0 /hat it /as6 even tho I kno/e+ it /as there2
=I ;ust can7t believe it6 that7s all6= she sa06 an then she lean over an kiss me on the
.orehea+2
=@hat7s that>= I a5e+2
=I+iots6= )enn0 sa0s6 an her li1s is tremblin2 =@ho ain7t a i+iot>= Dn then she is gone2
She got u1 an .etche+ little (orrest an took him b0 the han an the0 /alke+ on o..2
Sue come over an set +o/n in .ront o. me an +ra/e+ a tictactoe thing in the +irt at m0
.eet2 I 1ut a J to the u11er right corner6 an Sue 1ut a C in the mi++le6 an I kno/e+ right
then an there ain7t nobo+0 gonna /in2
@ell6 a.ter that6 I +one a cou1le o. things2 (irst6 I calle+ *ister 3ribble an tole him that
an0thing I got comin in the srim1 bi+ness6 to give ten 1ercent o. m0 share to m0 mama
an ten 1ercent to Bubba7s +a++06 an the rest6 sen+ it all to )enn0 .or little (orrest2
D.ter su11er6 I set u1 all night thinkin6 altho that is not somethin I am s1ose+ to be
1articularl0 goo+ at2 But /hat I /as thinkin /as this: here I have +one .oun )enn0 again
a.ter all this time2 Dn she have got our son6 an ma0be6 someho/6 /e can .i5 things u12
But the more I think about this6 the more I .inall0 un+erstan it cannot /ork2 Dn+ also6 I
cannot rightl0 blame it on m0 bein a i+iottho that /oul+ be nice2 No1e6 it is ;us one o.
them things2 )us the /a0 it is sometimes6 an besi+es6 /hen all is sai+ an +one6 I .igger
the little bo0 be better o.. /ith )enn0 an her husban+ to give him a goo+ home an raise
him right so7s he /on7t have no 1eabrain .or a +a++02
@ell6 a .e/ +a0s later6 I gone on o.. /ith ole Sue an 4an2 @e /ent to :harleston an then
-ichmon+ an then Dtlanta an then :hattanooga an then *em1his an then Nashville an
.inall0 +o/n to Ne/ Crleans2
No/ the0 +on7t give a shit /hat 0ou +o in Ne/ Crleans6 an the three o. us is havin the
time o. our li.es6 1la0in ever +a0 in )ackson S9uare an /atchin the other .ruitcakes +o
the0 thing2
I +one bought a bic0cle /ith t/o little si+ecars .or Sue an 4an to ri+e in6 an ever Sun+a0
/e 1e++le +o/n to the river an set on the bank an go cat.ishin2 )enn0 /rites me once
ever month or so6 an sen+s me 1ictures o. Little (orrest2 Last one I got sho/e+ him
+resse+ u1 in a tin0might .ootball suit2 3he0 is a girl here that /orks as a /aitress in one
o. the stri1 ;oints an ever once in a /ile /e get together an ass aroun2 @an+a is her
name2 D lot o. times6 me an ole Sue an 4an ;us cruise aroun the (rench 8uarter an see
the sights6 an believe me6 the0 is some o++lookin 1eo1le there besi+es uslook like the0
might be le. over .rom the -ussian -evolution or somethin2
D gu0 .rom the local ne/s1a1er come b0 one +a0 an sa0 he /ant to +o a stor0 on me6
cause I am the =best oneman ban+= he ever hear+2 3he .eller begun a5in me a lot o.
9uestions bout m0 li.e6 an so I begun to tell him the /hole stor02 But even be.ore I got
ha. thru6 he +one /alke+ o..G sa0 he can7t 1rint nothin like that cause nobo+0 /oul+7n
ever believe it2
But let me tell 0ou this: sometimes at night6 /hen I look u1 at the stars6 an see the /hole
sk0 ;us lai+ out there6 +on7t 0ou think I ain7t rememberin it all2 I still got +reams like
an0bo+0 else6 an ever so o.ten6 I am thinkin about ho/ things might o. been2 Dn then6 all
o. a su++en6 I7m .ort06 .i.t06 si5t0 0ears ole6 0ou kno/>
@ell6 so /hat> I ma0 be a i+iot6 but most o. the time6 an0/a06 I trie+ to +o the right
thingan +reams is ;us +reams6 ain7t the0> So /hatever else has ha11ene+6 I am .iggerin
this: I can al/a0s look back an sa06 at least I ain7t le+ no hum+rum li.e2
Aou kno/ /hat I mean>