The College of Mental Health Counseling presents:

Transformative
Counseling
A Course in Empathy, Finding Wisdom: Verbalizing Your Inner
Dialogue, Creative Solution Development, Counseling
Assessment Self-Healing Life Story Questionnaire, Your
Spirituality Score, Counseling for Depression

Daniel Keeran, MSW, President,

www.collegemhc.com

Copyright 2014 by Daniel Keeran

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or
reproduced in any manner whatsoever without specific written
permission from the author except for use in public schools and in
the case of brief quotations in reviews for inclusion in a magazine,
newspaper, or broadcast. Photocopies and electronic copies may
not be sold.
Special permission requests and inquires can be directed to the
author at collegemhc@gmail.com

ISBN-13: 978-1503292567
ISBN-10: 1503292568

Printed in the United States.

2

Dedicated to
my loving wife and daughter

Table of Contents
A Course in Empathy: The New Revolution
of the Heart

Finding Wisdom: Verbalizing Your

Inner Dialogue

32

Counseling Assessment Self-Healing

Life Story Questionnaire

40

Reaching Agreement: Steps To Peace Through

Creative Solution Development

46

Your Spirituality Score

50

Counseling for Depression

56

About the Author

60

A Course in Empathy
The New Revolution of the Heart
How do you think society might be affected if empathy was
taught in the home, the workplace, and in schools? Imagine a
world in which everyone, children and adults, knew how to care
about how others feel and what they need, want, and think.
While each individual has a unique capacity for empathy, some
more than others, the author believes empathy may be assisted
and encouraged for those who possess some aptitude.
Empathic development requires an awareness of one's own
emotions, addressed in the first exercise on page 12, in order
to begin to recognize and feel connected with the emotions of
others.
Now for the first time, we have a set of tools to actually learn
empathy so that it becomes part of one's way of relating to
others.
On completion of assignments* for A Course in Empathy, with
no more than a two-page report for each chapter including your
responses to questions found at the end of each one, the
Certificate of Empathy Development is awarded by the
College of Mental Health Counseling.
In this concise volume, the author describes ten practical
exercises to enable the development of empathy and thereby
aid the transformation of the self and the community.
The way to peace with everyone is empathy for everyone,
including and especially your opponent in any matter. Empathy
for self and others is the key to inner peace and world peace.
For connecting with a social media group about empathy go to
https://www.facebook.com/groups/empathicskills/
*Assignments and inquiries should be directed to Daniel Keeran, MSW, at
the College of Mental Health Counseling collegemhc@gmail.com

1
Introduction: What Is Empathy?
Lesson Objectives:
1. To understand empathy.
2. To acquire an increased sense of empathy for the emotions
and circumstances of others.
Empathy Definition: To sincerely and accurately feel and
reflect the specific emotion(s) of another person. Empathy
also means to value others emotions.
Why teach and learn empathy? The important reason to
teach and learn empathy is that if individuals are able to
learn empathy skills, they will be most likely to apply the
skills in their current life with peers and future adult
relationships.
The ability to have empathy is important as a foundation for
caring and compassion between and among people and
contributes to positive relationships in all areas of life.
Empathy builds a sense of community and reduces the
tendency to discriminate or exclude others. Someone who
bullies or excludes others can benefit from being aware of the
emotions of a potential victim and to value those emotions.
While some people may have difficulty feeling or
communicating sincere empathy more than others, everyone
will derive some benefit from the exercises in this lesson.
Select those exercises that correspond to the overall capacity
of the age group and modify exercise descriptions for the
comprehension level of the group.
Group Discussion:
1. What is empathy? How are empathy and sympathy
10

different? Empathy is not sympathy. Empathy means to feel

the emotion of another person. Sympathy means to agree
with the thoughts of another person.
2. Empathy means that you must set aside your own thoughts
and feelings and pay attention only to the other persons
thoughts and feelings. Why does this ability require inner
strength?
3. How is empathy communicated? Empathy is communicated
in the sincere accurate reflection of the emotions of another
person, conveyed in accurate facial expressions for the
emotions, accurate voice tones for the emotions, and
accurate words for the emotions.
4. How are thoughts different from emotions? Emotions are
not thoughts. Emotions are sensory experiences in the mind
and body such as relaxed, fear, caring, anger, guilt, happy,
sadness, confident, low self-worth, hopeful, despair.
Thoughts are ideas about another person, thing, or situation.
5. What is sincerity and why is it important? Sincerity means
to be genuine, to truly value the other persons feelings as
important, and to take his or her feelings seriously. If
sincerity is missing, then empathy will not be communicated.
6. Are emotions OK? Yes. Emotions are neither good nor bad.
Having emotions is an important part of being human.
Believing this is necessary in order to have sincere empathy
for another persons feelings. What you do with an emotion
can be healthy or unhealthy.

11

2
Exercises For Empathy Training
Exercise One: Building Your Emotion Vocabulary
Description: The leader introduces the exercise by saying that
having a vocabulary of words for different emotions, is helpful
for making sentences that communicate empathy. Many
feeling or emotion lists can be found on the internet.
Emotions can be separated into categories of pleasant and
painful feelings. For example, pleasant emotions are: happy,
excited, peaceful, relaxed, calm, hopeful.
Examples of painful emotions are: fear, anger, guilt, sad,
empty, low self-worth, and despair.
An acronym can be used to help remember a list of words. For
example, the acronym FAGSELD is a way to remember the
painful emotions listed above.
More information: Painful feelings can be divided into
hard and soft emotions. Examples of hard painful feelings
are anger, frustration, irritation, and annoyed, while
examples of soft painful feelings are fear, sadness, guilt,
emptiness, low self-worth, and despair.
Invite group members (in group or as an assignment) to make
a list of emotions or feelings they have about different
experiences during the day. Examples: waking up, getting
dressed, smelling breakfast, getting on the bus, hearing
people arguing, hearing people laughing, entering the room,
sitting at the desk, listening to the teacher, going to recess,
taking a test, having lunch, doing homework, seeing parents,
playing with friends, sitting down to dinner, going to bed.
12

Post-Exercise Discussion:
1. What do you realize about emotions and experiences?
2. Why is it important to be aware of your emotions as you
feel them in the moment?
3. How does being aware of your own emotions affect the way
you understand other people and things that happen in their
lives?
Assignment: Make a list of your experiences between the end
of group today and the next group meeting and then write the
emotions related to each experience.

13

3
Exercise Two: Distinguishing Emotions and Thoughts
Description: In this exercise, group members are asked to
make three sentences beginning with I feel followed by a
feeling word such as happy, sad, frustrated, or other
emotion.
Examples: I feel happy when its time to play.
I feel excited when I get to do math.
I feel sad when my friends have to go home
after visiting.
More information: Remember that a thought, instead of
an emotion, is expressed if I feel is followed by the
word that rather than a feeling word. The phrase I
feel that...., really means I think or I believe.
If you begin a sentence with I think followed by an idea
such as I think this subject is interesting or I think this
group is fun, you are communicating a thought instead of
an emotion.
Post-Exercise Discussion:
What is the difference between a thought and a feeling? A
thought is an idea. A feeling is an emotion.

14

15

4
Exercise Three: Making Sentences for Empathy
Description: Practice making sentences that communicate
empathy using this form and words from the feeling list. Fill in
the blanks, followed by checking to see if you are accurate:
You feel____________ because ___________. Is that
accurate?
Scenario examples: Here are examples of two scenarios
followed by examples of sentences that show empathy and
checking for accuracy.
1. Jill has a frown on her face and says her best friend just
moved away.
Empathic reflection: Jill, you feel sad because you best
friend just moved away. Is that what you feel?
2. Dad is very quiet when he comes home from work and says
he just lost his job.
Empathic reflection: Dad, you feel worried because you lost
your job. Is that what you feel?
Practice Scenarios: After each scenario below, write a
sentence that shows empathy followed by checking to see if
you are accurate.
1. Your brother comes home crying and then says he was
called hurtful names at school.
2. The boy at school that others just called hurtful names, is
sitting quietly and looking down.
3. Your friend says he does not want to go home because he
received low scores on his report card.
16

4. Your friend says she cant invite you over because her Mom
doesnt feel well.
5. A person at school is sitting alone at lunch time and not
eating his lunch.
Post-Exercise Discussion:
1. What questions do you have about writing a sentence that
shows empathy?
2. Why is it important to check to see if you are accurate?

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5
Exercise Four: Role Reversal
Description: In the Role Reversal exercise, empathy skills are
increased when individuals are asked to imagine he or she is
someone else who will be interviewed in pairs. The group is
divided into pairs, and each person takes turns telling the
other person basic personal information in answer to a brief
set of questions. Then each person imagines he or she is the
other person and speaks to the group in the first person as if
he or she is the other person. Mary interviews Rosie and then
presents herself as if she is Rosie by saying, My name is
Rosie. I am 12 years old, etc. Then Rosie does the same by
saying, My name is Mary. I am 12 years old, etc.
Accuracy is important for building empathy skills in this
exercise.
The following is a list of basic questions for collecting basic
personal information:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

What is your name?

What is your age?
What is your favorite color?
How many brothers and sisters do you have?
Where did you go on vacation?
What do you like to do most?

Demonstrate to the group:

Now I need a volunteer to show you what role reversal looks
like. Who would like to volunteer? The leader asks the above
questions to the volunteer as you sit together in front of the
group. Then the leader presents herself as the student
speaking in the first person and relating the information
collected in the interview using the questions above.
18

Then the leader says, What questions do you have about

what you will be doing?
Instructions to the group:
Now I want you to divide into pairs and interview each other
using these questions (written on the board or given as a
printed handout). Remember what the other person says, and
then you will present yourself as if you are the other person
starting with the name and so on. You will have to listen very
carefully and remember what the other person said. What
questions do you have about what I am asking you to do?
Post-Exercise discussion:
1. What was it like hearing your partner speak as if he or she
was you? Was he or she accurate?
2. What was it like being your partner? What did you feel or
think when you were being someone different than yourself?

19

6
Exercise Five: Doubling
Description: In the Doubling exercise, similar to the Role
Reversal exercise, the individuals build empathy skills by
becoming a double or alter ego for another person. This is
done by inviting students to walk around the room in pairs (or
to sit in chairs in parallel position) while one speaks as the
other doubles.
The speaker talks about a happy memory or expected future
event. As the speaker is talking, the Double also talks in the
first person as if he or she is also the speaker and reads
between the lines by inserting feeling words.
Example:
Speaker: I am going to visit my grandparents next week.
Double: And I feel happy.
Speaker: My grandma makes the best cookies.
Double: I am excited to eat the cookies.
The speaker can let the Double know if she or he is accurate
or not by saying what the accurate feeling is.
Demonstrate to the group:
Now I need a volunteer to show you what Doubling looks like.
Come here and sit with me (chairs in parallel position facing
the group). Talk about a happy memory or something you look
forward to in the future.
As the volunteer talks, the leader speaks in the first person as
if she or he is the student and fills in feelings or emotions not
spoken by the volunteer.
20

After a brief while, the leader turns to the group and says,
What questions do you have about what I am asking you to
do?
Instructions for the group exercise:
Divide the group into pairs, and as they are engaged in the
exercise, let them know when to switch roles with one as the
speaker and the other as the Double.
Post-Exercise Discussion:
After each person has had an opportunity to experience both
roles (speaker and Double):
1. What was it like being the speaker and hearing the Double
speaking as yourself?
2. What was it like being the Double? What was the hardest
part?
3. How did the exercise of Doubling help you understand the
other person?

21

7
Exercise Six: Listening with Empathy
Description: Practice listening to another person talk about
something that is personally important, and make sentences
for empathy that reflect his or her emotions. Remember that
empathy means to set aside your own thoughts and feelings
and to pay attention to what the other person thinks and
feels.
Demonstrate to the group:
Now I need a volunteer so that I can show the group what a
sentence for empathy sounds like. Think of something you can
say about what is important to you or something that
happened or you hope will happen in the future. Who would
like to volunteer?
After a brief demonstration, thank the volunteer and ask the
group, What questions do you have about what you will be
doing?
Instructions for the group exercise:
Now we will practice making sentences for empathy. I want
you divide into pairs. One of you will speak for a little while
and the other will listen. The speaker can talk about
something that happened last night or today or something in
the future. The listener will make a sentence for empathy and
check to see if it is accurate. Then I will tell you when to
switch, with the speaker becoming the listener, and the
listener becoming the speaker. Remember that empathy
means to set aside your own thoughts and feelings and to pay
attention to what the other person thinks and feels.
After giving instructions, ask the group, What questions do
you have about what you will be doing?
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Post-Exercise Discussion:
1. What was it like being the speaker and hearing the listener
make sentences for empathy (reflections)?
2. What was it like being the listener? What was the hardest
part about it?
More information: In making an empathic reflection, an
overstatement of the other persons thoughts and feelings
can give added support when the reflection is accurate and
sincere. This involves seeing implications of what the
speaker says and including these implications in the sincere
reflection while being careful to check for accuracy. If the
empathic reflection is an understatement and leaves out
accurate basic information given by the speaker, the
speaker will feel a lack of empathy and support.
Additional exercises can be created to assist group members
to recognize and reflect empathy for different specific
emotions such as fear, anger, guilt, sadness, celebration,
humiliation, and others. See an exercise for empathizing
with anger below.

23

8
Exercise Seven: Becoming Another Character
Description: In this exercise, members are asked to break
into groups of three to do the following:
1. Write the dialogue for and then enact a scenario for three
people: a victim, a bully, and an observer.
2. Each group enacts the scenario three times. Each time the
scenario is enacted, each person rotates to take on the role of
a different character.
3. After all scenarios are enacted with each person rotating to
each role, each person then discusses what it was like to take
on the role of each character, what emotions were felt, and
what thoughts came up in each role.
Post-Exercise Discussion:
1. What emotions did you feel as the bully?
2. What emotions did you feel as the victim?
3. What emotions did you feel as the observer?
4. What decisions have you made after doing this exercise?

24

25

9
Exercise Eight: Understanding the Story
Description: This exercise is about understanding the story of
another person. An enemy is someone whose story you have
not heard.
1. Ask members of the group to think (and write) about
someone they are afraid of or someone with whom they do
not want to be friends and to give a reason.
2. Ask group members to imagine they found out reasons why
the person behaves in a negative way and to write the reasons
down.
3. Ask group members to share how they feel about the
person after realizing there may be a story that explains the
negative behavior of the person.
Example: (corresponding to the three points above)
1. I do not want to be friends with Rosie because she never
talks to me.
2. I found out that Rosie is unhappy and lonely at home, and
she is afraid her Mom may not be able to pay the rent.
3. Now that I know this may be true, I want to be friends with
Rosie because her not talking is not about me but about her
feelings about what is happening at home.
Post-Exercise Discussion:
1. How has this exercise changed the way you think about
people you are afraid of or with whom you do not want to be
friends?
2. Imagine how understanding the story of the other person
could affect the way people feel and think about their
perceived enemies, nations in conflict, and groups of people
that you or perhaps others dislike.
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27

10
Exercise Nine: Imagine the Emotions of a
Historical Character
Description: This exercise is about understanding the
emotions of a historical character. The leader asks group
members to make a list of five people from history and
circumstances. Then write emotions that each person may
have felt about what was happening in history or in the life of
the person when they were experiencing the emotions.
Alternatively, the leader can make a list of historical people,
describe their circumstances, and then invite group members
to list emotions the person might have had.
Example: Abraham Lincoln sees slaves being sold in the town
square, and in that moment he feels sad that they have no
families of their own, angry that men would treat other men
as property, and hopeless that he could do nothing about it.
Post-Exercise Discussion:
1. Who would like to share your list of historical people and
circumstances with the group?
2. What emotions did you come up with and what are the
emotions about?

28

29

11
Exercise Ten: Having Empathy for Anger
Description: This exercise assists the development of ways to
cope with the anger of another person by using empathic
reflection. Empathy for anger can sometimes have the effect
of reducing the anger of a person.
A scenario is demonstrated by the leader who makes a
reflective empathic statement when someone is very angry.
After observing this, group members are asked to form pairs
and to practice making a reflective empathic statement to
the other person who makes an angry statement.
Example: (demonstrated)
Angry Person: You never do what youre told, and so now I
have to do it for you.
Empathic Listener: You feel angry because I didnt do my
work, and that makes more work for you. Is that what you are
feeling?
Following this demonstration, ask group members to enact the
same scenario in pairs with each person taking turns being the
angry person, then the empathic listener. Use the statements
provided in the above example and repeated them to help you
feel more of the emotion and what it is like to say and hear
the words.
Post-Exercise Discussion:
1. What was it like making the angry statement?
2. What was it like making the empathic reflective statement?
3. What was it like as the angry person hearing the empathic
reflective statement of the listener?
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4. Imagine how empathic reflection could be used between

nations to reduce hostility. How could it work?

31

Finding Wisdom
Verbalizing Your Inner Dialogue
New generation psychological technology can improve
conditions in persons with normal or average cognitive
functioning. The cognitive mental functions give humans a
particular advantage in terms of creative solution development.
Humans are constantly engaging in a process of internal
dialogue across a variety of subject areas. Mental distress may
be at least partly remedied by verbalizing, understanding, and
perhaps modifying the internal dialogue.
For persons suffering from chronic dependency as well as
anxiety, depression, and relationship issues, the following
technique may be useful:
1. Invite the client to talk about what they know will improve
their situation and what could worsen their situation.
2. Identify the parts of the self as the knowing confident self and
the unknowing negative self.
3. Ask the client to verbalize each part of the self in response to
the other (like Golum in Lord of the Rings).
4. Discuss ways to strengthen the knowing confident part of the
self. This is also the observer will part of the self that is able to
evaluate and modify the dialogue and draw a conclusion that
works best.
The above technique can be easily learned, recorded through
journaling, and repeated as a core process in therapy in order
to make the inner dialogue most conscious and useful to the
client. This psychological technology can improve conditions in
persons with normal or average cognitive functioning.
The therapeutic use of inner dialogue can focus on a specific
issue or area of mental distress and invite the client to have a
32

conversation between the knowing confident part and the

negative self-doubting or unhealthy part.
Here is an example of an exchange using this inner dialogue
approach:
Client: I feel so inadequate and lacking in self-confidence.
Counselor: So, part of you feels inadequate and lacking in
self-confidence. I wonder if there is another part of you, a
knowing part, even a small part, that feels adequate and
confident about some things.
Client: Yes, there is. I moved out here on my own. I have a job
and pay my rent (client smiles).
Counselor: You are very resourceful, capable, and
independent. You can strengthen the positive, capable part of
yourself just by talking more about it. Tell me more.
In this example the counselor further supports the knowing
supportive self by adding to the dialogue. The counselor can
also invite the client to verbalize the inner dialogue between the
positive knowing part and the negative doubting part.
Counselor: Now I want you to speak your negative thoughts
and also your positive thoughts.

An exchange with someone suffering from

depression
Counselor: If theres a conversation inside you about the
depression, how does it go? Speak the conversation out loud.
Client: I am a failure. Nothing I do is good enough.
Counselor: So that is the negative part of you that feeds the
depression. There is another part of you, even if it is a small
part, that knows more and that can see the big picture. What
does that part say?

33

Client: I have been resourceful, independent, and self-reliant. I

pay my own rent, buy my own food, hold a job, moved far from
home, and have travelled to Europe on my own.
Counselor: Yes. Which part of you feels better than the other
part of you: the negative part or the other part?

Working with different personality disorders

The beginning of the process is to identify the central issue
defining the personality disorder.
Personality disorders are understood as a pattern of behaviour
beginning in childhood, causing subjective distress and
affecting social and occupational functioning.
The central issue of each disorder is actually the voice of the
negative unhealthy self that is larger or stronger than the
positive confident self. The goal of therapy is to strengthen the
positive confident self and thereby relieve mental distress. This
occurs by bringing the inner dialogue into conscious awareness
and by focusing attention on the positive healthy confident self
by talking about, elaborating, and affirming it.
The negative unhealthy self is significantly fed by negative
uncaring experiences during childhood, usually the parental
relationship. A way to strengthen the positive self is to say,
What would you say or do if what happened to you happened
to your own child? and If you were the healthy caring adult or
parent in the situation you describe, what would you say or do
for you, the child?
This approach utilizes the persons own cognitive ability and
sense of empathy to create and define healthy choices.
Another approach is to say, If you had power to change any
three things about your childhood or family when you were
growing up, what would they be? and, I wonder if you can
imagine how you might be different today in some ways if
things had been different as you describe.
34

This approach helps the person use memory to identify

significant unresolved issues from childhood that require
healing as well as visualization in order to identify and
strengthen the positive healthy self. A key to moving forward is
to hold two opposite realities simultaneously, the reality of loss
of parental caring or other loss and also ones power to make
healthy choices in thought and action now: Maybe you could
not choose what happened in your childhood, and you can
choose what you do now.

Paranoid Personality Disorder

Central issue: No one can be trusted because they want to
harm me in some way.
Common associated major negative life experience: Loss of
caring and closeness in the parental relationship during
childhood. Possibly physical or verbal abuse.
Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:
What happened in your childhood or your past that you think
has contributed most to your distrust of others?
I wonder if part of you knows what someone would be like if
they could be trusted.
How much is your fear and distrust based on what you think
about other people? If you could allow yourself to think
differently about others, how might your fear be affected?
How would you feel toward others if you could believe that
people are generally sincere and well-intentioned?

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Central issue: No one understands me because I am different.
I prefer to be alone.
Common associated major negative life experience:
Childhood abuse, loss of parental caring, bullying.

35

Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:

When in your life did you first start feeling alone or of being
lonely?
What happened in your childhood or your past that you think
has contributed most to your desire to be alone?
I wonder how you might be different today if there had been
something different in your life when you were growing up.
What is your image of the person you want to be? Describe this
person for me.
Part of you prefers to be alone. Another part of you has a
different need or different idea about people. What does that
part say?

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Central issue: I have odd or delusional thoughts but I may not
recognize them as odd or delusional; no one can be trusted.
Possible abuse or abandonment experience in childhood.
Common associated major negative life experience: Loss of
parental caring; lack of social skill development in childhood.
Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:
Part of you thinks what you described (the odd thought) is true,
and maybe you need to have those thoughts for now.
Part of you believes no one can be trusted, and everyone
wants to harm you in some way.
There is another part of you that may have a different idea
about your thoughts and knows what you need and who you
can be. What does that part of you say?

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Central issue: I am willing to violate the rights of others to
serve my own profit and pleasure.
36

Common associated major negative life experience: Lack of

parental discipline during childhood; loss of parental caring.
Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:
Part of you is use to surviving on your own, believes sometimes
you must take advantage of other people to look after your own
interest, and that the end justifies the means. Is that accurate?
There is another part of you that feels a little guilty about taking
advantage of others to meet your own needs. What does that
part of you say?

Borderline Personality Disorder

Central issue: I dont have control over my emotions. I hate
you, dont leave me. I am afraid of abandonment.
Common associated major negative life experience: Abuse
and/or abandonment during childhood.
Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:
Part of you hates people, feels emotionally negative toward
others, and also fears being left alone by others. Who was the
first important person in your life who hurt or left you?
Another part of you, perhaps a small part, believes that you are
capable of being OK and surviving even if people leave you.
What else does that part know? Maybe that you can manage
your emotions, especially your anger?

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Central issue: I need the attention and approval of others in
order to be happy. My worth depends on my physical
attractiveness.
Common associated major negative life experience:
Childhood abuse and learning to believe that value is
associated with sexuality or external appearance. Lack of
training in healthy values and beliefs during childhood.
37

Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:

Part of you believes your worth depends upon your sex appeal
and physical appearance.
There is another wiser part, even if it is a small part of you, that
knows more about you and your worth as a person. What does
that part say?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Central issue: My ideas and abilities are superior to those of
others.
Common associated major negative life experience:
Parental abandonment or rejection by the father.
Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:
Part of you thinks your ideas and abilities are superior, perhaps
far superior, to those of others.
Another part of you thinks you may be an imposter or feels very
inferior to others. What does that part say?
And part of you thinks others are capable of having important
ideas and abilities. What does that part say?

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Central issue: I am afraid that others will criticize me in social
situations.
Common associated major negative life experience: Critical
parenting during childhood or bullying by peers or siblings.
Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:
There is part of you that is afraid of criticism in social situations.
Another part of you is able to reassure you or encourage you.
What does that part say?

38

Dependent Personality Disorder

Central issue: I fear being alone and must subordinate my
own needs and feelings to those on whom I rely.
Common associated major negative life experience:
Dominating parenting that makes obedience and subservience
a condition of caring.
Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:
Part of you believes you must serve others in order to be
accepted by them, and you must be accepted by them in order
to be happy.
Another, knowing part of you believes you are worthwhile even
if others do not accept you. This part wants you to be true to
yourself and to assert your own needs and feelings even if
others are displeased. What else does it say?

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

Central issue: I must control my environment and finances,
because of my fear of chaos, disorder, or poverty. Things,
working, and financial security are more important than people.
Common associated major negative life experience:
Poverty or financial stress or financial loss during childhood.
Therapeutic statements supporting the healthy self:
Part of you thinks you must achieve and maintain financial
security even if you must sacrifice closeness and caring in your
relationships with others. If that seems accurate, elaborate on
this a little.
Another part of you believes people and the quality of your
relationships are more important than things or even than
keeping order.

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Counseling Assessment
Self-Healing Life Story Questionnaire
Instructions: Only say as much as you want to. Skip questions that
are too uncomfortable, but think about why they are. Simply
completing this questionnaire can be a healing experience in itself.
To understand the deeper meaning of the questions and your
answers, consider this important resource Effective Counseling Skills.

Introduce Yourself
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your age and gender?
3. What is your marital status? Single, married, separated,
or divorced? How long? Explain the reasons for
separation(s) or divorce(s). What happened?
4. What is your race, ethnic, or cultural background?
Caucasian, Chinese, East Indian, Aboriginal, Other?
5. What are your children's genders and ages? If they are
adults, give their occupations and marital situation.
6. Do you live alone or with someone? How long?

What Happened?
7. What problems and concerns do you have now?
8. What emotions have you been having and what is each
one about? Fear, anger, frustration, guilt, sadness, low
self-worth, despair, other feelings?
9. How long have you been feeling this way? (for each
feeling or problem)
10. What happened at the time you began feeling this way?
11. When have you felt like this in the past and what
happened?
12. Any health problems? E.g. epilepsy, diabetes, etc.
13. Any counseling or hospitalized for emotional reasons?
How old were you? Please give the reasons.
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The Family You Grew Up In and Your

Childhood
14. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Give each
person's gender, age, occupation, and marital situation.
15. Which one are you in the line of birth? First, last, second
or third, etc. How many years separate you from the
others nearest you?
16. Who were you closest to when growing up?
17. Are your parents still living? What was your age at their
death?
18. Have your experienced any other deaths of family
members or friends? What was your age?
19. Describe your father's (and step-father's) personality and
your relationship to him when you were growing up.
Were you close, not so close, distant, affectionate? Give
an example of something that happened that shows this
and how old you were.
20. Talk about how your relationship with your father (or
father figure) during childhood may have affected you in
both positive and negative ways.
21. How have the negative experiences with your father
figure(s), come up again in your relationships with other
people up to now?
22. Describe your mother's (and step-mother's) personality
and your relationship to her when you were growing up.
Were you close, not so close, distant, affectionate? Give
an example of something that happened that shows this
and how old you were.
23. Talk about how your relationship with your mother (or
mother figure) during childhood may have affected you
in both positive and negative ways.
24. How have the negative experiences with your mother
figure(s), come up again in your relationships with other
people up to now?
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25. What were your spiritual or religious beliefs before age

10 and how have your beliefs changed since then?
26. What was your role in the family when you were growing
up? Think of a word, e.g. peacemaker, black sheep,
victim, outsider, assistant parent, invisible, baby, etc.?
Give an example of what happened.
27. Describe your parents' relationship. Were they
affectionate? How did they deal with conflict? Give an
example of what happened.
28. Was anyone in the family or extended family ever
hospitalized for emotional reasons or commit suicide?
Any mental retardation?
29. How did family members relate to each other when you
were growing up? Give an example.
30. How were feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and guilt
expressed? Give an example.
31. Describe a time when you were disciplined that was
most painful for you. How old were you? What
happened?
32. What personality features do you have which your
parents also have?
33. Who was there for you when you were hurt as a child?
34. What messages about your worth and the worth of
others, was communicated by each parent both verbally
and nonverbally?
35. How old were you when you left home, and why did you
leave?
36. If you had power to change your family when you were
growing up and your childhood in any three ways, what
would you choose?
37. If your family experience had been different in the ways
you mentioned above, how do you imagine your life
might be different today?
38. Do you know if your mother had any problems with your
birth?
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Your School Experience and Friends

39. What was the first day of school like?
40. How many moves and school changes occurred during
school years? How old were you, what grades did you
move and why?
41. Describe your relationships with teachers.
42. Describe your relationships with peers.
43. Do you believe you achieved your best in school? Why?
What grade or education level did you complete? What
happened?
44. Did you have a group of friends during the first six
grades? If not, why?
45. Did you have one or two very close friends as a
teenager? If not, why?
46. Did you tend to be a follower or a leader with friends as
a teenager?
47. How old were you when you first started go out with
someone (or dated)?
48. Do you have a satisfactory network of friends, family,
groups? Describe these briefly.
49. How would you describe the types of people you
associate with? (What is your role with friends and
acquaintances? Helper, victim, other?)

Your Work Experiences

50. How old were you when you first went to work?
51. What types of jobs have you had and how many? Why
did you leave each job?
52. What has been your role at work? Helper, invisible,
responsible, victim, other? And how have you gotten
along with bosses?

Your Social Life and Relationships

53. What was your first date like for you?
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54. How old were you with your first sexual experience? And
first intercourse?
55. How many sexual partners have you had over time? And
what is your sexual preference or orientation?
(heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual)
56. Describe your partners personality and your
relationship. Aggressive, passive, abusive, caring,
other? And describe previous meaningful relationships,
their personalities, and why they ended.

Your Legalities, Use of Substances,

Financial Situation
57. Have you had any past arrests, warrants, charges, suits
against you? How old were you and what were they
about?
58. What amount of debt do you have?
59. Any drug or alcohol use? Why do you use it? Has
anyone complained that you use too much or too often?

Your Mood
60. Have you ever had suicidal thoughts at any time in your
life? How old were you? What happened?
61. What is your mood right now on a scale of zero (0) to 10,
with zero meaning life is not worth living and 10
meaning you are very optimistic and life is wonderful?
What number do you give your mood?
62. Any thought of wanting to harm yourself or anyone else?

Your Final Thoughts and Understandings

63. What are your greatest strengths? And what skills or
abilities do you currently have the most confidence in?

44

64. Having looked at your life from early days until now,
what do you think may have contributed most to your
present difficulties?
65. Of all the questions above, what has been most difficult
for you to face?
66. If you were to continue on a path of change and growth
what would you hope to achieve or what would be your
goals in counselling?
67. What has it been like completing your Life Story
Questionnaire?

45

Reaching Agreement
Steps To Peace Through Creative Solution Development*
The process can involve a single individual, a couple, two or
more parties having issues, or a large group, and moves
beyond control to mutual agreement or majority decision.
Explain that the process depends upon acceptance of the
following guidelines by all participants:
1. Do not judge, criticize, or evaluate any ideas as you engage
in the solution development process.
2. Do not use attempts to exercise power or control of any kind:
such as anger, yelling, name-calling, put-downs, threats or
intimidation or manipulation.
Step One: Identifying Issues
1. The facilitator invites participants to say what issues and
challenges need to be addressed.
2. The facilitator writes these issues in a numbered list on a
chalk board or flip chart.
(As the issues are being stated, the facilitator uses reflective
listening as needed in order to clarify meaning. In the event a
strong emotion is expressed or a participant becomes too
verbal, the facilitator uses reflective statements, checks if the
person feels understood, then directs the participants back to
the issue.)
3. The facilitator then asks members to say the number of one
of the listed issues that he thinks needs to be addressed first.
4. The facilitator makes a tick by the number of each listed
issue selected by participants, then circles the one with the
most ticks; this becomes the first issue for solution
development.
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Step Two: Creating Solutions

1. Writing the issue on the chalkboard or flipchart, the facilitator
makes a numbered list below it and says, Now I would like us
to brainstorm as many solutions for this issue as you can think
of, and as you state them I will write them down on this list
without judgment, criticism or discussion.
2. To increase the number of ideas and with writing material,
large groups can break into small groups or dyads and
brainstorm using the following statements presented by the
facilitator:
a. Lets write down whats happening now, because that is
always a choice.
b. Whats the opposite of whats happening now?
c. What is a fantasy of what you might like to see happen
but you dont think is possible?
d. Think of an approach that seems silly or ridiculous.
e. Imagine what someone you respect (a relative or other
wise person) might say as a solution.
f. I can think of a possible solution that would work well
and that no one has mentioned. Can anyone quess what
it is? (the facilitator writes down ideas the participants
guess)
g. My idea is ...... (facilitator adds his or her solution to the
numbered list)
Step Three: Reaching A Creative Agreement
1. The facilitator says: Now using your writing material, I would
like each of you to take a separate sheet of paper and privately
write down the number of up to three of the listed possible
solutions or approaches that you think would be most practical
or workable to address the challenge or issue.
47

2. The facilitator says: Now tell me the number of the listed

solutions you have chosen, and I will make a tick by each of the
solutions.
3. The three solutions most selected by the participants
become the creative agreement or solution strategy for the
issue addressed.
4. Depending on the issue, volunteers can be invited and a time
can be determined to implement the strategy or action plan.
5. Repeat Step Two and Step Three for the second, third,
fourth, etc. issue selected most often by the participants.
*If the conflict is related to differences in philosophy, religion,
personal taste, or if agreement cannot be reached, the
following approaches may provide a solution: agree to
disagree, flip a coin, take turns or agree to separate or
alternating action plans, implement trial time periods to try
different plans, or return to the above process.
Additional information is found in the practical manual How To
Do Professional Mental Health Counseling.

48

49

Your Spirituality Score

Spirituality provides values and beliefs for making healthy
choices, a foundation of hope and meaning for direction and
optimism, and support and encouragement to face major life
difficulties.
Strengthening your spiritual growth and awareness can set you
on a path to find inner peace, physical and mental healing, and
personal fulfillment.
Your Spirituality Score is based on how many questions of the
total for which you can provide a confident answer, rather than
saying, I dont know. Responses can be written, verbal, or
mental, but written may be beneficial for most people.
1. What is your age, gender, and ethnic/race origin?
2. What were the spiritual/religious views of your father? Your
mother?
3. How has your spirituality changed from your childhood until
now?
4. Is there anything more than the material universe? Do you
believe anything is true that you cannot personally and directly
perceive with your five senses? Explain.
5. Do you believe intelligence and creativity exist in the
universe? Explain.
6. Do you believe in the existence of a transcendent
intelligence or superior reasoning power? Explain why or why
not.
7. Do you see evidence of creative intelligence in the design
and complexity of the universe or do you lean toward a material
natural explanation?
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8. Do you believe all human beings have equal worth and

value? Explain why or why not? What are the implications?
9. Do you believe the human species has greater or superior
value or greater importance or more responsibility compared to
other life forms? Why or why not? What are the implications?
10. What is the meaning or purpose of human existence?
11. How do you know what is right and wrong?
12. What is the most important thing you can do with your life?
13. Is hope important? Explain.
14. What happens after you die? Does your individual identity
or consciousness continue to exist? What are the implications?
15. Is the idea of the meaning of human life essential to the
idea of hope? Explain.
16. Is the idea of right and wrong essential to the idea of
meaning? Explain.
17. What have been some of the most important influences on
you for what you value and believe?
18. What spiritual practices do you have? Prayer, centering
prayer, meditation, scripture reading, worship, singing, other.
19. Does moral accountability only happen within the legal
systems of nations? Is there ultimate accountability in a venue
after death? What are the implications?
20. If people are reborn into new lives, what if anything
determines the nature or quality of their existence? What are
the implications?
21. Comment on this statement: Many people think only
tangible things are real, yet the same people admit intangible
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things are most important: love, compassion, empathy, justice,

morality, consciousness, wisdom, human value, meaning of life,
and eternity... for without these, life is void and vain, and
aspirations mere illusions.
22. Have you ever experienced what you believe to be a sign or
communication from God or other spiritual being?
23. What is your view of this statement? Humans are spiritual
beings existing in physical bodies.
24. Do you believe you have convincing evidence of spiritual
reality?
25. What is your idea of an ideal society? World? Life?
26. When does an individual human life begin?
27. What is the essence of the self?
28. Do you believe angels and demons exist?
29. Do you believe everyone after death goes to heaven or to
hell?
30. Do you believe the superior reasoning power has ever
communicated with humanity?
31. How open are you to exploring different aspects of
spirituality?
32. If you saw someone raise the dead, what would you think or
do?
33. If you saw a person die and then you saw him alive again a
few days later, what would you think or do?
34. Comment on the statement: Humans are a parasite
infestation of the earth.
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35. How can you prove to anyone else that you are aware of
yourself, your own consciousness?
36. Describe a healthy relationship.
37. How important is your spirituality to your life? And do you
want your spirituality to increase or decrease?
38. If we are made in the image of God, what qualities do we
share with God?
39. Read Isaiah, chapter 53, written in 700 BC. Who is being
described? See other amazing examples of future-telling here
or http://goo.gl/uM1e7p
40. Do you now belong to or have you thought of joining a
spiritual community to strengthen your values and beliefs for
making healthy choices, to acquire a foundation of hope and
meaning for direction and optimism, and to receive support and
encouragement to face major life difficulties?
41. How has this questionnaire affected your awareness of your
belief in non-material things?
Final instructions: Count the number of questions for which
you struggled to give a sincere answer, and then subtract the
number from the number 41. The answer is your Spirituality
Score.
How to use this assessment: Whatever your score may be,
give further consideration to questions you are unsure about or
for which you have difficulty giving a response.

53

Calculating Your Spirituality Score

1. Make a mark indicating any question for which you feel
unable to give a satisfactory answer or that you find
especially challenging.
2. Add the number of marks in #1 and subtract this
number from 41.
3. The answer to #2 is your Spirituality Score.
NOTE: This score and your answers to questions are
to be used only by you and anyone to whom you grant
permission.
Total number of questions

41

Number of difficult questions

Your Spirituality Score

For assistance to explore or discuss your score, email

collegemhc@gmail.com

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55

Counseling for Depression

Depression can be caused by chemical changes in the body,
physical illness, and different types of loss. Very often,
depression and anxiety are the result of self-defeating life
patterns forming unhealthy neural pathways that can be healed
by incorporating caring self-talk and by supporting self-worth
and assertiveness. We tend to do to ourselves and to others
that which was done to us in childhood. Now as adults we must
give to ourselves all the healthy things we needed from healthy
parents. Here are some things to do to change the innerdialogue foundations of depression and anxiety:
Step 1. Write down the negative things you think about
yourself, others, and your circumstances.
This activity will bring to your conscious awareness the
negative thinking and self-talk that is common to many kinds of
depression and anxiety. The negative and self-critical self-talk
demoralizes the ego and manifests as feeling down, blue, sad,
anxious, fearful and self-doubting. This low mood and anxiety
then affect sleeping, eating, and low energy. Common
examples of negative self-talk are: I am incapable, I can't do it, I
am unlovable, I am a failure, I failed again, I can't do it, No one
wants to talk to me, No one cares about me, etc.
Step 2. Write down statements that are self-caring,
nurturing, reassuring, supportive, and validating.
This exercise helps to identify the opposites of the negative
self-talk: I can do it, I have strengths and abilities, I am caring
and kind, I can get what I need and want, I deserve to be
happy, I can succeed, I am just as important and valuable as
anyone else, My pain is normal for what I have been through,
etc.

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Step 3. Write down negative things parents said or

communicated to you when you were growing up.
Here you can write down what you thought parents felt about
you by what they said or did such as: I wish you were never
born, I do not like you, I do not care about you, I care about
alcohol more than I care about you, I do not want to be around
you, You are in the way, You are a bother, You should be seen
but not heard, You cant do that, You could have done better,
You will never amount to anything, Dont cry, etc.
Step 4. Write down things you needed or wanted parents to
say to you as a child.
Here you can write the things you wanted or needed parents to
say or do such as: I love you no matter what happens, I am so
glad you are in my life, You can succeed, It's OK to cry when
you're hurt, Everything will be OK, I felt the same as you
sometimes, Imagine the possibilities. You are good at that, You
are so helpful, You are so kind and caring, etc.
Step 5. Write down what you would do or say if you saw
another child being treated the way you were treated in #3.
If you heard someone say mean things to a child or slap a
child, what would you say? Maybe you would say things like:
You have no right to say that, Be nice to the child, The child
needs your love, You need to support your child and be
reassuring and caring and loving and affectionate, You need to
be encouraging, etc.
Step 6. If you had all the positive things as a child that you
needed from healthy parents, how do you imagine your life
might be different today?
If your parents had said encouraging, caring, and supportive
things to you as a child, how do you imagine your life might be
different today? This step helps you formulate and create a
vision for how your life can be different in a healthy way.
Depression that comes from negative self-talk is a form of self57

abandonment and self-abuse. The ultimate self-abuse and selfabandonment is self-harm and suicidal thinking. Conversely,
hope, optimism, self-worth, and self-confidence form the basis
of a stable mood and sense of security, safety, confidence,
well-being, inner peace, personal power, and happiness.
Step 7. Now you must be for yourself all the things that
you needed your parents to be for you: encouraging,
nurturing, loving, caring, supportive, and reassuring.
This means you need to say to yourself and be for yourself all
the positive things you needed from healthy parents. If no one
else can give you the caring that you need, who does that
leave? Ultimately, you are the one who must care for you. So
this means you must choose healthy people to be in your life,
and you must be supportive of yourself and of that other
healthy caring person you have chosen to be in your life. In this
way you will be caring of yourself. Another important piece is to
stand up for yourself and support yourself when you are treated
badly by others.
Step 8. You must be assertive.
Stand up for yourself by saying things like: I don't like your
tone, I deserve more respect than that, I deserve a raise in
salary, I feel annoyed when...., etc. Take care of that little boy
or girl who was abused and mistreated. That little boy or girl is
still inside you and needs your protection. Be for yourself now
what you needed then as a child. Will you stand up for him or
her? When will you start?
The Angel View
When depressed some years ago because of a painful loss, I
was sinking and stuck in despair. Then I thought that the angels
are watching, looking down from above, and able to see my life
from beginning to end. They can see the valleys and mountains
of my life, and they are wondering how I will face the present
58

challenge. Will I be stopped and give up, defeated? Or will I

move forward and on to the next challenge?
On realizing this and seeing my life from beginning to end, I
understood that life is an adventure with obstacles and
opportunities, mountains and valleys. I concluded that my life
will change if I can persevere. I saw that the sense of loss and
depression were only temporary and that other challenges
await.
When I saw the angel view, my depression lifted, and I felt free
to go forward in my life knowing that I am able to move through
the momentary difficulties and challenges of life.

59

About the Author

Daniel Keeran, MSW, has been a counselor and therapist for
over 30 years in hospital and private practice settings. He is the
author of Effective Counseling Skills: the practical wording of
therapeutic statements and processes, and the founder and
President of the College of Mental Health Counseling providing
practical online skill training in counseling, for personal and
professional development.

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