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First day No punishment, no rewards

Im doing better than my parents did and so on , they did better then theirs and so on, we are
constantly improving ourselves.
What good fortune for those in power that people do not think. Adolf Hitler
Types of education:

Authoritarian violent parents win, child lose


Authoritarian non-violence parents win, children lose
Permissive parents lose, children win
Democratic everybody wins the key is that parents work or spent more time on
prevention stage, in order to create a safe environment; listen to the child, satisfy his
immediate needs, find the real reason, why does he act like that
Prevent, repeat and wait!

Punishment doesnt mean more cooperation


Whats wrong with rewards?
I only doing for getting the reward, but not for joy.
Its teaching children how to cheat
The uses of rewards changes the way children want to do things, their inner motivation. The
intrinsic motivation disappears.
The more you want a reward the more you start to dislike what you have to do to get it.
As a parent you want to change the behaviour ask yourself 2 questions:
How do you want your children to behave?
What do you want the reason to be for their behaviour?
Parents feel angry > parent become authoritarian > parents become permissive > parent
self sacrifice > parents become angry again
Three reasons for undesirable behaviour
1. Child has a legitimate need: food, love, attention they cannot have patience; the
need is to be resolved here and now; when parents postpone, children become anxious
2. Child lacks information you cant punish a child who doesnt have information; you
have to say it to him; the punishment comes for the entire person, its not about a
punctual task.
Stages for understanding information
By 10 months simple requests: come here, give me
By 24 months simple household rules: we dont heat; we dont draw on the walls
By 7-8 years child can understand another persons point of view I can see the TV because
you are sitting in front of it. And from here he understands the feelings of others.

How to give information


Verbal explanations
Non-verbal explanation
Preparation: for the dentist, for school, for guests at dinner (lets establish a plan for you if you
become bored)
Natural consequences: you just let them see whats happens when they do or dont do things
Communicate of the effects on others
3. Child is stressed: hurt, jealous, disappointed
The alternative solution for punishment is to repeat; after 3 times they learn the rule.
There is always a reason for the childrens difficult behaviour.
Sources of stress:
1. Hurts by commission: being hit, criticized or punish
2. Hurts by omission lack of food when hungry, lack of attention/ affection
3. Situational hurts parental stress or birth trauma
Developmental fears and frustrations
Overstimulation
Injuries, illnesses, hospitalisation
Parental stress, anxiety or depression
Behaviours that can appear: sleep problems, eating problems, hyperactivity, impulsivity,
inability to concentrate, aggression, violence, self-destructive, frequent tantrums
Child stress release mechanism:
Talking and laughing
Therapeutic play
Crying and raging: when a child cries doesnt mean you are a bad parent
The difficult children and the easy children the child who is crying is more adaptable than the
other and on the long term they are more stable
When the child cries:
Check for immediate needs
Offer contact and assurance
Accept and listen to the crying
Crying is repressed: telling to stop, punish, sent him in the room, teasing, distracting, getting the
child to talk or to laugh, deny and minimize the pain, praising the child for crying, giving drugs

The broken cookie phenomenon


Accumulate painful feelings
Pretext: broken cookie, lost hat, lost the toy
Healing process, crying and raging
Result: child is calm, happy and cooeprative
Children make tantrum and big crying only when they feel safe, with the persons they feel safe,
and they can talk violent too.
The fear of sleep alone is from the archetypal memories, when if the child slept alone and he
could be eaten by an animal or die by freezing.
When the child is jealous, you stay and listen and make a rule: you can stay with me if you dont
hit me anymore.
If the child is the project of the parents, they try to make it work and to be perfect.
Build the relation with your child like it is your best friend. You have to build a friendship, you
cant yell, or beat him to convince to do things. You need to find another way.
When children are happy but they are hurting someone or become aggressive (mixed feelings)
could be a trauma inside.
The 3 step technique for conflict resolution
1. Think about how the behaviour of your child affects you (what does this remind you of?)
2. Look for the underlined reasons for your childs behaviour
3. Find a solution that meets everyones needs.
1. Find and offer alternatives; set time for doing things;
When you are angry, ask yourself: Who does my child remind me of? What does the
situation remind me of?
Your job as a parent is not to keep your child 100% happy and occupied.
Tips for family meetings
Hold a meeting once a week
Begin with appreciations
Have a written agenda
Use I-message and listen well
Strive for consensus
Discuss only conflicts of needs (not conflicts of values) not for crying, or other bad
behaviour, only for discuss about everyones needs.
o Decide what behaviours you want; which stuff each one has to do
o Establish an agenda of rules and make it as the final touch in the house
Children are the most in need of loving attention when they act the least deserving it they need
to cry, attention, affection, approach based on connection

The less we try to control children (with punishment and rewards) the greater will be our positive
influence on them, and therefore our ability to change their behaviour - as a parent you dont
gain power on them but influence. They will come to you and search for advice.
Janusz Korczak (1878-1942) the roght of the child to respect

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