3 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Enter A

Relationship
By Amanda Christian

Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions. ~Lloyd Strom
Recently, I did something radical; I entered into a relationship with the intention of extending love. I consciously
set the goal of peace.
Its with the intention to experience more peace than ever before that the relationship began, and its with that
same intention that we decided to end the relationship. In between it all, I felt deeply connected, heard, and
loved.
What did I do differently this time that allowed me to experience a new level of peace and love? What
about this relationship created the space for us to peacefully break-up?
Unlike other relationships I had that seemed to pull me deeper into fear, this relationship accomplished the
complete oppositehelped to release me from it.
Whatever I did differently with this one, I wanted to bottle it up! As I took some time to reflect, I realized that what
I did differently comes in the form of three simple miracle-minded questions that I asked myself before I even
entered the relationship.
The three questions below helped me step away from fearful relationships based on getting and filling
my perceived voids and instead, helped me step into a loved-based relationship built on extending the
love and completeness I found within myself first.

And what a difference this shift made in my experience!

The next time you find yourself getting ready to join with someone in a relationship (or even a friendship) ask
yourself these questions first:

1. What is it for?
In the past, I would just jump into relationships without any real intention set at the beginning. I wanted the
attention and for someone to prove I was loveable. I wanted to get more than I wanted to extend. I was
motivated by ego fears and desires to fill my perceived voids.
The way we move beyond these ego fears is by stopping and asking ourselves, what is this relationship for?
Without a clear goal set at the beginning, its easy to get lost and stuck in a fearful place. So with my last
relationship, we decided that our goal would be peace, and that we wanted to help each other remember the
truth about ourselves, instead of getting lost in the illusions about ourselves. What is this relationship for? To
extend peace.
And this makes all the difference. When you do find yourself in a disagreement, you can remember that your
goal is peace and then act accordingly.
The value of setting a goal in advance is that it will pull you through the tough times. Without the goal, its easy to
get caught up in the egos drive to be right or justified. Having a common goal in mind allows you to move
forward together instead of working against each other. In my last relationship I found that a shared goal
connected us and gave us something to focus on.

2. What limiting beliefs are blocking me from authentically connecting?

A lot of times when we dont experience something we say we want, its because we have some underling fear
associated with getting it.
For example, if you say you want to experience a deeply loving relationship and it hasnt shown up yet, it might
be because deep down youre scared of it. I know for me, I said I wanted to have a loving relationship, but when
I got honest with myself, I realized I was actually scared of falling in love.
Somewhere along the line I decided that being in love would make me weak and vulnerable. When I went even
deeper, I noticed that I had the belief that I wasnt good enough yet to be loved. I didnt think I was skinny
enough, successful enough, or funny enough, and deep down I was scared that other people might find that out,
too.
So what do you do when you realize youre scared of what you want? What do you do with the belief that youre
not good enough? You simply become willing to move beyond the fears. Often times the awareness of our
fearful patterns is enough for them to be released.
Sometimes I will even say to myself I hear you fear, but Im not going to let you determine my actions right
now. Instant personal power.

This opens the way for you to step beyond the limiting beliefs you carry about yourself. The truth is, youre good
enough right now in this very moment. There is nothing to prove. Become curious about your beliefs and
behaviors. Invite them in, question them, and watch as they melt away.

3. Am I focusing on the content or the frame?

Fear-based relationships often start with a strong attraction to a body. I dont know about you, but Ive definitely
been sucked into relationships because the frame was lookin good. I paid no attention to the content, aka the
mind.
But at the end of the day, its important to remember that youre always getting in a relationship with a mind. If
the content is not engaging and exciting, circle back to the first question: what is this for?
When we put all our focus on the content and not the frame, we simultaneously release our expectations and
allow ourselves to experience peace and love in ways that we might not have thought possible. The frame will
shift and change, but lasting fulfilling connection starts and ends with the content, not the labels and clothes we
place around it.
Ultimately, within others you can either lose yourself or remember yourself, because from a spiritual perspective,
everyone is a reflection of you. And with that idea, relationships become a miraculous teaching device.
You decide if you want fear or love based on the intention you set at the beginning. Ive both lost myself and
remembered myself in relationships, but I prefer the latter.
The three questions above are how you open the doorway for a love-based relationship to enter your life.
By setting the goal of peace, becoming willing to move past our beliefs of not being good enough, and focusing
on the content, not the frame, we can experience a deep connection and trust, which is perhaps one of the most
miraculous things you can share with another human being.
Photo by Marina Aguiar

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