FamilyMatters

North Star ™

Holiday Issue
To Inspire Conscious Parenting and Empowered Kids

Kids

Santa Fe
Sisters

Follow The
North Star

Games &
Brain Teasers

Parents Unique & Empowering Holiday

Normal Education Expectations
 P
K Who We Are
We are three people with a passion
Our Beliefs

for empowering kids; a single mother

who decided to do something
different than her parents did, her
daughter who knows what it is to
be an empowered kid and grow into
an empowered adult, and a man who
found and cared for an abandoned
baby on the streets of India when he
was a teenager, and still dreams of
helping kids. That’s why we’re here
every month, to share our passion
and offer inspiration. We know that
parenting is more than just feeding
and protecting. Conscious parenting
is about commitment, inspiration,
and empowerment. We are here to
support you in the parenting process
and to support your kids in realizing
their full potential.

Our Beliefs
• Every child is born with an innate curiosity and love of learning.
• Every child is unique and his/her individuality is valuable to the family and to the world.
• Every child is born with unbounded potential.
• Every child can have high self-esteem, be self-motivated, and respectful of themselves and
others if given the appropriate tools and experiences.
• How we treat our toddlers and children today has a direct influence on their self-opinion
and the choices they will make as teenagers and young adults of the future.
• Parents have the single most important influence on children’s lives.
• The future is unlimited when our thoughts, feelings, and actions are in alignment with our
intentions.
Accordingly, As Parents, It Is Our Responsibility To:
• Support our children’s unique talents and abilities.
• Foster our children’s innate curiosity and love of learning.
• Empower our children to make meaningful decisions every day.
• Remind our children that their futures are full of possibilities.
• Acknowledge that parenting is as much a learning process for us as for our children.
 P
At a Glance: K
Parents “ P ” for Parents

Table of Contents
“ K ” for Kids

6 Holiday Expectations
By Sue Woodward

7 Unique & Normal

By Wendy Garrido
8 Empowering Education:
My Child v. Group Learning
By Rhonda Stone

10 New Year, New View

By Kurt Hines

16 Guided By NSFM
By Tanessa Dillard Noll

18 Who Needs EFT?

By Sue Woodward

20 Family Circle
By Sharon Becker

26 Reading Right
By Dee Tadlock, Ph.D.

28 The Sue-Lution Place

By Sue Woodward

29 Classifieds

Kids

12 Santa Fe Sisters
By Sue Woodward

22 “I Am” Affirmations For Life

By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione

24 Games
29 Answers to November’s Games
30 Coloring Page
North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue 3
 K
P
K
From Us to You
From Us to You

Dear Parents & Kids,

It’s just a few days into the New Year of 2010.
Many of us may already feel caught up in our
daily routines once again. It’s a great time to
renew our family spirit and energize it with
love.  

Sometime before the end of January, schedule a family meeting to discuss

wendy@northstarfamilymatters.com
your favorite parts of 2009, what things worked well, and what things you’d
like to see different in the future. Remember, try to keep the focus positive.
For example, instead of talking about how messy the house was last year, let
your family know that having a cleaner house is important to you and ask for
their support in making it happen. Maybe you will decide together to write
down a list of family goals, as well as some individual intentions for each per-
son.

As a family business, we at Family Matters magazine have our own family

sue@northstarfamilymatters.com
meetings. This year we set our intention to get NSFM into the hands of one
million readers—for FREE!  We want to continue inspiring today’s parents to
empower kids.
It doesn’t cost anything to help us by telling other people about Family Mat-
ters magazine. So let your friends, families, schools, and business associates
know about Family Matters.

prem@northstarfamilymatters.com
And, as a special thank you for making us a part of your lives and sharing the
magazine with others, we’re offering a FREE ½ hour family consultation with
Sue for three families. Tell at least five other people about the magazine and
then send us an e-mail at coaching@northstarfamilymatters.com to be en-
tered into the drawing.
Just forward a copy of the email you sent to
your friends to the address above and you will
be entered into our drawing. Winners of the
consultation will be chosen randomly and will
be contacted via e-mail by February 15, 2010 to
schedule an appointment.

You can help us share our gift -- the emotional

& spiritual health for kids and families -- world-
wide in 2010. 

The future lies in the hands and hearts of our

children. 

Appreciatively,
The Team at North Star Family Matters

4 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue

 From You to Us K
P
K

From You to Us
Editor-In-Chief
Creative Director
Wendy Garrido
What readers are saying...
Managing Editor
Sue Woodward Love your magazine and
Operations Manager have a subscription but
Prem Carnot missed seeing the November
National Outreach Director edition [delivered nearby].
Kimberly Bray Please keep sending them.  It’s
Proofreading no competition to [other
Rhonda Stone magazines].
JoAnn Ray
Don Garrido Cecilia
Jamie Bailey
Layout Assistant Your magazine looks like a
Laurie Mayer breath of fresh air!  Maybe we
Contributing Writers can set aside a few minutes
Dee Tadlock, Ph.D. some time and chat about
Rhonda Stone
Susan Stiffelman how we may be able to help
Eryn Rodgers each other.
JoAnn Ray  Mary
Tanessa Dillard Noll
Syandra Ingram
Kurt Hines I am delighted with your magazine. ..and sent them to my grandchildren
Sophie Frank, age 11 in Pennsylvania, …and teachers and parents at the school where I am a
Susan Usha Dermond full time reading specialist. I use EFT with my reading students and find it
Gary Craig
Sharon Becker really helps them to focus…and [to help them] get over anger and sadness
Advertising Sales so that they are quickly ready to get back to learning. It is a powerful
Delena Neves tool. Please continue with this wonderful enterprise. I would like to buy a
Camille Brent subscription to help support your valuable work and so that I don’t have to
Empowered Kid hunt down copies.
Consultants
Sasha, 14; Quinn, 5; Thanks,
Mary Margaret, 7; Sue
Kevin, 8; Josh, 11;
Isabelle, 10; Fisher, 13;
Brianna, 9; Beverly, 6; We are so impressed with your magazine. It seems as if we are working
Alyssa, 8; Alison, 13 towards the same goals. We would like to schedule a meeting with your
Conscious Parenting staff and discuss potential collaboration. …
Consultants Sally
Wendy Y., Pamela,
Laurie, Laura,
Jon, Don, I loved the article on Appreciative
Diana, Cindy Inquiry in your latest edition of the
North Star Family Matters magazine…As a parent coach in private
P.O. Box 7306 practice, I use Appreciative Inquiry with the
Olympia, WA 98507 moms I coach… Thanks, again, for including
(888) 360-0303 such a positive, informative article. I
Midwest Office: appreciate the author’s take on it.
7627 S. Dune Hwy. Sincerely,
Empire, MI 49630 Karen
(888) 228-4492
www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com

North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue 5

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Holiday
Expectations
Conscious Parenting

T  is the season to be jolly,” so why are

the holidays known to kick up just
as much grief as joy? You’d think that
people would stop doing the things
that drive us crazy, at least for a few days! “Why
does he have to act like that on the holidays?”
“Can’t she just stop complaining for now?” In
fact, the holidays are often the most difficult
times for many families and one of the gremlins By Sue Woodward
is expectations.
An expectation is a thought that we create about what
will or should happen. Expectations are generally based on a emotional connection with those you love.
strong belief, hope, or fear. They are our desired future out- What is it that’s truly important to you this year? What’s
come fabricated by what’s happened in the past or what we’d important to your family members? Maybe you want better
like to happen in the future. But they aren’t real! They are communication, to make sure your family remains connected,
simply thoughts, and yet these thoughts become very power- to encourage healthier boundaries, to express more apprecia-
ful when we allow ourselves to get attached to the outcome. tion, or reach out to someone special. As a family, make a list
Expectations have the power to make our cheery seasons of what’s important for each holiday and discuss ways to bring
dreary. those visions to life. Then, let go and watch it happen. Life
It’s no wonder that expectations rise at this time of year given unfolds in miraculous ways that we can’t even imagine when
all of the energy that we put into making the holidays special we allow it to unfold without attachment.
(food, fun, decorations, reunions, parties, gifts, etc.). Each of us If and when something happens to trigger your negative re-
holds an image of our picture-perfect holiday, projecting our sponse, remember that although it may feel “bad” it is simply
needs onto others, hoping that external circumstances will en- your own expectations colliding with the reality of life. Let go
sure our internal satisfaction. But whenever we set ourselves of the judgment and start going with the flow, knowing that
up to expect that happiness is a function of what happens out- all of your anger, sadness, and frustration exist because you
side of us, then we are counting on the unknown and setting are resisting what IS. Instead of fixing the problem, leaving,
ourselves up for disappointment. or pretending it doesn’t exist, try
The stronger we think something An empowering tradition we love any reframing the situation by changing
should happen or someone should time of the year comes fromThePurplePlate. how you think about it until you
act in a certain way, the more likely com. Mixed in with the everyday dishes, find your emotions transformed.
we are to be triggered by an emo- every so often The Purple Plate ends up Empowering your holidays is
tional response that sets us flat on on the table either randomly or placed in about becoming conscious of your
our derriere. front of someone who may need something own expectations and letting go of
This year, set your heart on em- special. Each person takes a turn saying the attachment to any particular
powering your holidays as you something that they love or appreciate outcome. The spirit of the holidays
remind yourself to let go of ex- about the person who has The Purple Plate. resides in your heart. Our tradi-
pectations and go with the flow. It might be in the form of a funny story, tions, whatever they may be, merely
It’s okay if things don’t go as you an experience they shared, or an authentic connect us with those we love. This
planned. Set your goal for spiri- appreciation for what they like best about year, say goodbye to those expecta-
tual balance and stop buying into the person. It’s a great way to take the tions. When you do, you will set
the emotional overload, stress, and time to share and understand each other yourself up for beautiful holiday
tension. Instead, breathe deep-
ly and enjoy lots of laughter and
through love and communication. I
memories!

6 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue

 Unique & Normal
M  ost of us are inundated with ideas about
what is considered normal for children and,
as parents, when we encounter a situation
that falls outside of “normal,” we conclude
that there must be something wrong with the child. Tradi-
tional education has convinced us that it is normal for all
children to sit quietly at a desk at school with an occasional
break for lunch or recess, for some kids to fail subjects while
others breeze through, and for some kids to read well while
others struggle. These are definitions of “normal” that most
of us buy into as acceptable and true. After all, we were
raised that way.
If your child struggles to be successful in school, someone
will probably diagnose and give a name to what’s wrong, mak-
ing it normal for kids with that diagnosis to act that way. It’s
normal that other kids have learned to read easily while your
child struggles because he has “dyslexia.” So-called normal
children can sit still at a desk all day and do their work, but
your son has trouble because he has “ADD.” We live in a cul-
ture that labels what we don’t understand so that we can try
to make sense out of what’s wrong with our child.
But wait a minute! Maybe it’s time to stop assuming that
there’s something wrong with our children and start trust-
ing in their innate abilities. It’s time to realize that the child is
the only person who can define what normal is for her. And
it’s time to stop holding our children to the benchmarks of a
floundering education system and instead hold the education
system accountable to the intelligence that lies within every
one of our children. Our kids are not the problem. The system
is simply not geared to help them succeed.
Schools, teachers, guidance counsellors, and other experts
are all an important part of discovering how we can help and
support children. These professionals and the school system
are supposed to have our children’s best interests at heart.
But the benchmarks typically used by all of these experts ad-
dress administrative needs and, as parents, we need to advo-
cate for our child’s individual needs.
All of our children are different and each is unique, so it is
unrealistic to think that every child should mold to a system.
What if we assumed that every child comes into life equipped
with everything they need to be happy, successful, and social?
Instead of being convinced that the child is the problem, we
would start supporting our children and the abilities that they
possess, asking the system to adapt and take responsibility for
providing what they need to thrive. We would move away
from a punitive system of failure to a supportive system of
discovery. Instead of asking “How can I get my child to fit into
the ‘normal’ box”?” we’d ask,“How can I support my child in
P
Conscious Parenting
By Wendy Garrido
developing in her natural way—a way that works for her?”
Start by asking yourself,“What would be different if I
stopped saying that my child has ____ diagnosis?” A diagno-
sis tells us how our child is struggling, but not what she needs
to succeed. There are always parents who break through the
diagnoses with new and creative ways to connect with their
child. Let that parent be you.
Does your child get easily overwhelmed in noisy, crowded
situations? Maybe she seems overly sensitive. Does she have
trouble focusing on the task at hand? Maybe she gets grumpy
and frustrated when she can’t have something she wants.
These are all just exaggerated feelings that we all share from
time to time. As adults, we all adapt and try to find ways to
deal with our own stress, anxiety, and disappointment, and we
all have different triggers that set us off. Let’s empower our
children to figure out how to get their own needs met--what-
ever that means for them--at an early age.
Let’s teach our children to say “I know that I am capable of
being happy, successful, and helpful. Right now, I’m not feeling
that way, so what can I do, or how can I change my perspec-
tive in a way that will help me move in that direction?” The
most rewarding and important outcome is that along the way
they will learn to step into their own personal power. When
we empower our children, they will discover for themselves
that they are important and capable of finding ways to over-
come any obstacle that is stopping them from achieving their
goals and doing their best. As parents, it’s up to us to support
our children in their unique process of discovery. I
North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue 7
 P
Education Matters

By Rhonda Stone

Empowering Education:
My Child v. Group Learning By Rhonda Stone

This is the first article in a nine-part series on Empowering Education.

I  remember my son’s first day of school more than

nine years ago. He was bright and cheerful in his
brand new T-shirt and jeans and shaggy locks. As
the big yellow bus rolled up right in front of our
home, he waved a fast and furious good-bye before his
eight-year-old sister pulled him aboard. I returned the
wave, filled with hope that both of my children would
love school and school would love them back.
Naively, I thought all would be well if we just followed
the school program. Teachers and administrators would
tell our children, my husband, and I what to do, we
would do it, and both children would succeed. Simple…
or, so we thought.
Traditional education is not simple. At times, it can be
quite a struggle. I observed this first-hand from my job
as a K-12 school public information professional, as well
as from my perch atop the family castle watching as my
children failed in school. I know from personal experi-
ence that following the “school program” does not guar-
antee the success of a child. I also know that there are
many excellent school teachers and administrators out
there who are increasingly baffled by the growing num-
ber of parents and family members unhappy with tradi-
tional education. I feel for their frustration—but I also
know that it is time for the rigid “group learning” that is
characteristic of traditional education to give way to far
more effective “empowered learning,” which has the abil-
ity to meet the needs of every child.
The Problem With Group Learning
Modern education is just 150 years young. Before the
mid-1800s, most learning took place in the home, with

8 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue


parents teaching each child what
they needed to know about farm-
ing and building; cleaning and baking;
reading, numbers, and needlepoint.
Later, in the one-room school house,
children of all ages worked side-
by-side guided by a teacher. Older
students helped individual children
who had lesser skills. As public edu-
cation became more common and as
schools subsequently grew, as many
as 30 or more children of the same
age filled classrooms. Teacher focus
shifted to group learning and class-
room management.
But group learning has a spotty
record of success for many children.
At the beginning of this century, the
“No Child Left Behind” initiative was
launched with the goal of making
every child proficient in reading and
math by the year 2014. As part of
the initiative, schools are to use ag-
gressive testing to “measure” group
progress and teachers are to use the
same testing to “measure” individual
student knowledge. At the class-
room level, the goal is to insure that
each child knows the material before
they move on to new, higher level
concepts.
But, if children don’t know the
material or understand a concept,
what is supposed to happen? Are
teachers supposed to re-teach using
the same methods until struggling
children are successful? Are kids
supposed to figure out for them-
selves what isn’t working? Or, is it
the responsibility of parents to pres-
sure children to keep at it until they
“get it” or, for those who can afford
it, pay for after-school tutoring to fill
in the gaps? What is a family sup-
posed to do?
Years ago, my mother was a special
education teacher for deaf children
and I have fond memories of help-
ing in her classroom. Today I can see
how my mother’s style of teaching
set me up for unrealistic expecta-
P
We Taught Ourselves
Education Matters
By JP Stone
“I liked both of my language arts teachers, but it was really hard to grasp
what my first teacher wanted. She was going over the same material we’d
gone over every year since the fourth grade and I was bored out of my mind.
She would assign one or two topics each week for us to write about and I
didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t relate to any of the topics, so I would start
thinking about other things that I wanted to write about. Time slipped away
and I shut down.
When I went to the new teacher’s class, she let the whole class write
about what we wanted to write about and then she focused on our individual
writing skills. She didn’t demand that we use every verb and every punctua-
tion mark correctly. Her goal was to get us comfortable with writing and to
teach us how to write well. Writing very short pieces (a paragraph or two),
she would have us go back and correct our own mistakes and then she
would help us see some of the things we missed. By teaching us to correct
our own writing, everyone in our class learned what they needed to work on.
It made me want to do the work and it helped me feel like I could improve
and actually do well.
Our class wasn’t large (just eleven students), but the second teacher had
a lot of free time that she could have used for a lot more students. While
we wrote, she worked on other things and was always available to us for our
questions. She wanted us to ask if we weren’t sure about something. In a
way, we taught ourselves. In my new classroom, I knew what I needed to
do to improve and I knew that my teacher was there to help me. It wasn’t
about teaching from a book. It was about me and what I needed to know.”
tions and disappointment with my philosophy would be extended to
own children’s education. In virtu- my own children by their respective
ally all special education programs, teachers and schools. But, as “nor-
teachers have to teach to the indi- mally developing children,” my son
vidual needs of children. It is un- and daughter were rarely in class-
derstood that you cannot teach to rooms where individualized learning
the group because every child is at was a higher priority than classroom
a different place with their learn- management and group learning.
ing. Understanding this philosophy, And therein rests the problem.
my mother gave her heart and soul Education may be a group activity,
to insure that all of her students but learning is not. Learning is a pro-
learned what they could about lan- cess unique to each child.
guage, reading, math, and more. She
strove to discover each child’s indi- My Child v. The System
vidual learning needs, with the faith Our son JP’s experience at age
and belief that each child could learn thirteen is a classic example. He
if their needs were appropriately ad- failed language arts repeatedly, in
dressed. Knowing how my mother spite of our attempts to address
worked with children created an this issue with his highly competent
expectation in me that the same language arts teacher. The  pg. 11
North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue 9
 New Year,
P
Reflections of a Stay-at-Home Dad
New View
Look for Kurt’s article every month as he shares his
experiences raising his three kids as a stay-at-home dad.
T  he holidays are a great time to take note of just
how difficult it is to change our ingrained tenden-
cies and habits. This New Year take stock of your
parenting habits, including what you’d like to do
differently. Change is happening all around us all the time
and as our children develop at a remarkable pace, we want
to evolve also. Along the way, we need to stay conscious of
our emotional reactions in order to remain open and honest
when we make mistakes (and, all of us do!) Think of mistakes
as perfect opportunities for everyone to know where they
need to grow.
We all have times when we respond to our children in
ways that seem counterproductive. Why do we lapse into
these unproductive techniques that we know don’t work and
have consciously decided to avoid? And what about those
times we repeatedly react to our children’s behavior in ways
that later make us cringe inside?
This year, sit down together as a family and take stock of
where each person wants to head, knowing that it takes
consistent follow through to implement. You might discuss
each person’s vision for the upcoming year in a family meet-
ing. Then write them down and put them in our New Year’s
Eve jar. Next year, pull them out and enjoy seeing how much
your kids have grown over the year, and give yourself credit
for having spent that time working on your personal vision.
Here’s an area I’ll be adding to my list.
Lately, my youngest son has been getting especially upset
when things do not work out the way he wants. I often take
the time and energy to give him a hug, commiserate and/or
talk to him about how he can feel better. Other times, I have
less patience and find myself responding in the same gruff
manner that he is expressing. Even when I am in a good state
of mind, I sometimes snap at him because I think he should
know better. Then I backtrack and try to come at the situa-
10 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
By Kurt Hines
tion in a more balanced way.
If I want him to learn to deal with problems in a productive
manner, I need to model those behaviors. This is obviously
one of the habits I have trouble giving up. So here I am again,
reminding myself that I am responsible for how I react, not
him. Next time, I need to say:“I get very frustrated when I
want to leave on time and you’re late. It seems to happen a
lot and getting upset or angry obviously doesn’t help because
I’ve tried that plenty of times. It’s not your fault if I get angry
so I’d like to see how we can work this out for both of us.”
Then, when he gets upset or angry about something, I can
remind him that he is responsible for handling his reactions,
just like I am. Fortunately, kids learn much quicker than adults.
If he can work through some positive examples with me, I
am confident he will be on his way to dealing with the other
frustrations that sometimes overwhelm him.
Parents and kids are constantly dealing with change. As
adults, we have more resistance, wanting to hold on to things
as they are, somehow hoping that resisting will help us get
what we want. In fact, our resistance is a good indicator of
where we need to grow and open up to the ebb and flow
of life. We all need practice and encouragement, with plenty
of supportive feedback, in order to change our ingrained be-
haviors. And, when you forget or slip up, pat yourself on the
back. At least now you are aware and recognizing the differ-
ence between where you are and where you want to be, an
important lesson for the journey of life.
Each year, as we look around at all the precious children in
our lives, let’s give thanks and appreciation for how important
the role of parenting is, as well as how important our children
are to our own personal journey. Let every New Year bring
new joys, intentions, appreciation and keep in mind that it’s
not about what happens on New Year’s Day, but about what
happens the other 364 days of the year. I


pg. 9 teacher assigned specific
topics for writing projects once
or twice a week and held students
strictly accountable to spell each and
every word correctly with appropri-
ate punctuation. In part because JP
struggled with grammar and punc-
tuation, he failed the class and began
to think of himself as a failure. My
husband and I spoke with his teacher
about our son’s lack of skills and
asked if his program might be sup-
plemented or modified to help him.
We were told that it would be inap-
propriate and unfair to the others
in JP’s class to change his program
in order to address his particular
needs and that he would simply have
to work harder and catch up on his
own.
“Catch up?” How is it possible for
a child to “catch up” if they become
so disillusioned and so depressed
that they shut down completely?
That is what happened to our son.
His primary problem with language
arts was not “what he knew.” His
primary problem became a mix of
boredom and fear. He was unin-
spired by assignments he couldn’t re-
late to and terrified to put anything
down on paper.
After he’d failed two quarters in
a row, my husband and I asked our
son’s teacher what she planned to
do differently to help him succeed
in the next quarter. When the same
response came back (“I can’t do any-
thing differently; he’ll have to catch
up”), my husband and I discussed the
situation with our son, and together
we made the decision to remove
him from his language arts class and
transport him daily across town to
a local alternative high school for
language arts. For us, the old say-
ing “insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting
different results” was very relevant
to the situation. A change seemed in
order.
Significantly, the two language arts
teachers used completely differ-
ent approaches. Teacher A assigned
specific topics with longer writing
projects and held students strictly
accountable to spell each and every
word correctly with appropriate
punctuation. Teacher B encouraged
We were told that it
would be inappropriate
and unfair to the others
in JP’s class to change
his program in order to
address his particular
needs
students to write a few paragraphs
at a time about anything and every-
thing that had meaning to them and
de-emphasized the mechanics associ-
ated with writing (spelling, grammar,
and punctuation).
Teacher B’s approach re-ignited
our son’s interest in writing. Within
a few short months, our son was
writing so well that a paper he
wrote in science was chosen by his
teacher to demonstrate the ef-
fectiveness of her new curriculum.
Remarkably, as our son became
more relaxed about the mechanics
of writing, he began to try harder to
improve. Ultimately, his spelling and
punctuation improved!
Our son turned an important cor-
ner that year because one teacher
empowered him to rely on his
strengths, interests, and creativity—
things that can’t be easily measured.
As a result, he re-engaged with the
process of learning and released the
fear associated with his weaknesses
(spelling and punctuation)—things
that are readily measured. Through
his strengths and interests, JP began
to master language arts skills. No
test on Earth could have accom-
North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
P
plished that. What a difference one
teacher’s empowering approach
Education Matters
makes!
Finally, A Step Forward
A year and a half after my son
conquered his writer’s block, I mar-
vel at how quickly he can write a
school paper. I remember the white
knuckles that used to grip his pencil
tightly, the slowness of his hand, and
the awkwardness of the letters that
emerged on the page. Paper writing
would literally take him days. Back
then, he was tense and resistive—so
different from the shaggy-headed,
care-free kindergartner who bound-
ed merrily onto the school bus on
his first day of school. He is now
fifteen and I am relieved to watch as
his dynamic thoughts and ideas come
to life on the computer screen as
fast as his fingers can fly across the
keyboard. Last night, paper writing
from start to finish took him just
two hours! It is hard to believe that
this is the same teen—and disturbing
to think what might have happened
to our son if we had not insisted
that he be released from prescribed
“group activity” to participate in an
“empowered learning” program.
All that our son needed was a
teacher who knew how to empower
students as an integral part of group
activity. That’s right—Teacher B’s
approach was still a group activity! It
was simply a less prescribed group
activity, with room for students to
tap into their own interests and cre-
I
ativity.
About the Author:
Rhonda is a nationally published
author on visual processing prob-
lems, a co-author on how children
learn, and an advocate for chil-
dren’s learning issues. She resides
in Shelton, Washington with her
husband and their two children.
11
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Empowered Kids
Santa Fe
Sisters
M  y name is Kendra and I just turned thirteen
years old last month but I don’t feel any
better now that I am a teenager. Somehow
I thought things would change. Nothing
did. My mom is still not here, she left because she seemed to
feel better drinking than not drinking, alcohol that is. We did
everything we could think of, but one day, she got in another
argument with my dad and was gone. That was just a couple
of months ago, so it’s all kind of new for us. So, forgive me if I
have a hard time getting excited about the holidays.
My dad is great, and between granny and him, we are being
well taken care of. Luckily I get along great with my sister
Anna, and together we muddle our way through the days, try-
ing to make sense out of this messed up life, but so far we are
just doing that…trying. We haven’t made sense out of it yet.
My dad asked us if we would like to fly by ourselves to
Santa Fe, New Mexico and spend a few days with his sister,
Aunt Jo. We spent a lot of time with her when we were little,
but it’s been a long time since we saw her and I don’t really
remember her that well. But,Anna and I thought it would be
better than sitting around the house, so this morning we head
to Santa Fe for the beginning of our Christmas vacation. Anna
and I are up and ready, packed, bags in the car and kissing Tat-
ters, our cat, good bye.
“Okay girls, are you ready to head to the airport? What an
12 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
By Sue Woodward
exciting day! Anna, did you get everything you need?”
“I’m all set, Dad.”
“Did you both remember your bathing suits?”
Together Anna and I reply,“Yes!” We love to swim and
Aunt Jo has a pool in her condominium complex. Ever since
we were big enough,Anna and I have traded off who gets to
ride in the front seat, so it’s my turn and in I hop in, no argu-
ments from us.
“Now, you know you are going to have to switch planes in
Detroit. Kendra, are you comfortable with handling that? The
flight attendant will have someone escort you to the gate.”
“No problem, Dad. We’ll do just fine. We can always ask
for help if we’re not sure. And, in case there are any big prob-
lems, I have my cell phone.”
“How about we call you when we land, Dad?” suggests
Anna.
“Sounds great. Anything else we have to discuss?” Dad is
big on discussions, especially since Mom left.
“Well, I don’t really remember much about Aunt Jo. Anna
and I made her a scarf and some jewelry, but is she going to
expect more?”
“Nope. Jo will be happy with whatever you two bring, even
if it’s nothing but yourselves. You have always loved being
around her and I am sure you will again.”
“Well, she is lucky to be getting us,” Anna giggled. “After all,

Kendra and I are the best, right, Dad?”
“Right! You are the best daughters
ever. I am such a lucky dad!”
Dad walked us in and waited as
long as he could before we had to go
through the security gates. I have to
admit that as much as I didn’t like leaving
Dad, I loved the idea of this adventure.
Life during the past four months had
been terrible with all we went through
with Mom and we could use a vacation.
I don’t want you to get the idea that
my mom is a bad person or mean. She
isn’t. She just drinks too much, too
often, and when Dad asked her to get
help she did, but then she started right
back in again. So, when she doesn’t
drink she’s great and when she does,
well, she’s just not the mom we know
and love. The last straw was when she
drove us home from a friend’s house
after drinking, and that was it for Dad.
He told her to make a choice, us or
alcohol. And, she left.
We land in Detroit and change planes.
This is our first time in the Detroit air-
port but we’ve navigated through lots of
cities so we’re used to walking, reading
maps, looking for signs, and asking for
directions. We finally board the plane,
unpack our sandwiches, and pull out
our DVD player to watch the movie
we brought with us. Not too long after,
Anna falls asleep but I stay wide awake,
because I can hardly wait to land in
Santa Fe and see Aunt Jo. Something
special is on the way. I just know it--and
I need it.
The plane lands smoothly and Anna
and I gather up our stuff, counting to
make sure we have the same number
of bags we brought on the plane and
double checking to make sure we aren’t
leaving anything in the seat pockets. She
puts her backpack on and we walk out
of the plane and up the ramp. I remem-
ber the times we had flown to Florida,
Nana and Poppy met us right at the
gate, but now, because of 9/11, there is
no instant connection the moment you
set foot in a new place. We walk down
the hall following the signs that say,“Bag-
K
gage Claim” and, as we pass through the
last doorway, there she is--Aunt Jo. She
Empowered Kids
has beautiful brown hair with a glint of
red glistening in it. It is long and hangs
just past her shoulders, setting off her
tan and healthy face. We run into her
arms, needing to feel a feminine hug
once again, just like Mom used to do.
“Oh, I am so excited to see both of
you. How was your trip? Anna, you
look just wonderful and Kendra, how
you’ve grown! You’re both just a sight
for sore eyes.”
“Have you been having problems
with your eyes Aunt Jo?”
Aunt Jo laughs in a free, wonder-
ful style that makes it okay for all of us
to laugh and answers,“No, Anna, I just
meant that I have been missing all of you
and am so glad you are here. Are you
hungry?
“I’m starving!”
“What would you like to eat? I
thought we might go to a little café I
know and sit in the garden and enjoy
the weather. How does that sound?
“Do they have grilled cheese sand-
wiches?” Anna asks.
“Sure! I know just the place.” her realize that this was not a conversa-
On the way we tell Aunt Jo about our tion we wanted to have. But it doesn’t
trip, the plane ride, and the airport in do a thing and she keeps going…
Detroit until we arrive at the café. It is “I remember when I was young my
so cute and the sun is lovely and warm, mom got angry and left for two days
we order Shirley Temples and finally feel and I felt terrible. Anna, you don’t feel
like we are on vacation. sad?”
“So, your dad said that your mom left Anna, looks down at the straw in her
and you haven’t heard much from her. glass, and shakes her head up and down,
How is all that going?” as tears start rolling down her cheeks.
Anna quickly looks down at her plate “I think it would be better if we just
and doesn’t want to talk at all. didn’t talk about this,” I say boldly and
“We’re fine,” I answer confidently and convincingly, hoping she might get the
just sharply enough to let her know that point this time.
that is all I want said on that subject. “I am sure it would be easier, but
But Aunt Jo keeps right on plugging easier isn’t always better, Kendra. And,
along. if we are to spend the next four days
“I doubt you are just fine. I mean, together I want us to have fun, com-
after all, it’s hard enough to have anyone municate well, and be honest with each
leave, especially when it is your mom. other. So, let’s just talk about all this and
You must feel sad or angry or some- get it out of the way.”
thing?” She just won’t stop. I don’t want to
I look at her blankly, not knowing how cross this bridge, but it seems I have
to reply, hoping my silence would help little choice. “Okay, you want pg. 14 
North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue 13
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pg. 13 to talk? You want to know
how I feel? I am sad and angry that my
Empowered Kids
mom seems to like drinking more than
us!”
“I bet you are. It hurts when some-
one we love leaves us.”
“On the other hand, it’s easier not to
be dealing with all her ups and downs
and anger and apologies and promises
that she never keeps. Sometimes I think
Anna is more mature than my Mom.”
Anna looks at me, shocked. I had
never really expressed all this, but it felt
good somehow.
“I can certainly understand that, Ken-
dra. Anna probably is more honest and
consistent than your Mom when she’s
drinking. It’s hard to deal with people
when they’re alcoholics. Thanks for
being honest. That’s what I want us to
do this vacation, help each other recon-
nect. You do know your mom loves you
both so much? Alcoholism is a disease.”
“Yeah, Dad reminds us and we know
she loves us but if she drinks she needs
to stay away,” Anna says.
“So you love her, but don’t want to be
around her when she’s drinking?”
“That’s right. We all agreed to that.”
“Good for both of you. It’s hard
when you love someone and have to
set boundaries, but it sounds like you
two are doing a great job. And, some-
times, that’s just what the other person
needs. Okay, well, we have two kids at
the table who are hurt, angry, and sad.
They have very good reasons to feel
that way, but we want to have some fun,
so how are we going to deal with these
angry, sad, and hurt emotions?”
Anna and I look at each other, not
quite knowing what to say now.
“I believe that even though you are
sad, angry, and hurt there is a reason for
all this; a reason that is so much bigger
than your sadness and pain that it just
can’t make sense now, but sometime it
will. Right now you are struggling with
what happened, wishing it was different,
hoping your mom will change. Right?”
We nod our heads. She definitely has
our attention.
14 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
“And, we can’t just pretend it didn’t
happen or that it doesn’t hurt, that’s
not healthy. So, here we are in Santa Fe,
I believe that even
though you are sad,
angry, and hurt there is
a reason for all this. A
reason that is so much
bigger than your sadness
and pain that it just
can’t make sense now,
but sometime it will.
ready to go horseback riding…”
“Horseback riding? Today…?”
“So, what can we do about it? Aunt
Jo says, as she stops talking, leans back
in her chair, closes her eyes and tilts
her face up to the sky, and just waits,
as if she is expecting the answer to ap-
pear in the sky, written by one of those
airplanes.
Anna looks at me and I shrug. She
says,“What if we all agree to talk about
how we feel, would that help?”
I am amazed.“Anna, you never want
to talk about how you feel to anyone!”
“Well, I do now.”
I was pretty sure the thought of
horses was pushing her to address her
feelings, but why not give it a try? “Okay.
How do we do it?”
“Let’s just start with the emotions.
Anna, how do you feel?”
“I feel dead when I think of Mom, so I
try not to think about her.”
“And how does it feel when you feel
dead?”
“I guess I feel really sad,” and the
tears roll down her cheeks again. “If
we hadn’t argued with her maybe she
would have gotten better.”
Aunt Jo pulled Anna onto her lap and
snuggled her. “Anna, the first thing we
need to do at this table is empower all
three of us with the most important
fact in the world. You are not responsible
for how someone else feels or acts. And
they are not responsible for how you feel
or act.”
Anna and I had spent a lifetime hear-
ing otherwise, so we were not con-
vinced. “Aunt Jo, if my teacher gets
angry at me because I’m talking in class,
aren’t I responsible for that?”
“No, you are responsible for talking
in class, that is your behavior, but not
for your teacher’s reaction. People may
try to blame us for how they feel, but
how they react is really based on their
own experiences and beliefs. We can’t
possibly know how everyone is going to
react.”
Anna smiles and says,“Okay, so if I
spilled this drink on your lap right now
and you got angry…”
“Good example,Anna. Let’s assume it
was a mistake, although the way you’re
tipping it maybe you are really planning
on doing that!” We giggled. “I might
get angry if I were wearing a new pair
of pants. But, if I were wearing my old
jeans it might feel pretty good right now
because it’s such a hot day. Or, maybe
I would be frustrated because I already
had a bad day and a headache. Can you
be responsible for what pair of pants
I wear or what kind of day I had? The
only thing you can be responsible for is
making sure that you are doing the best
you can in the situation. You’re not re-
sponsible for other people’s reactions.”
“Mom used to tell us that she would
feel better if we just behaved better.”
“It’s easier to blame other people
than to take responsibility for ourselves.
And, most of us have never learned
anything else. So, do we agree to this
for our vacation together? Each one
of us is responsible for how we act and
respond. Deal?”
“Deal.”
“Now,Anna, are you responsible for
your mom drinking or leaving?”
Anna looks sad for a moment and
then says,“No! I am responsible for
how I act and I am a good kid.”
“What about you, Kendra?”
“I feel like I am, even though I know

I’m not. Does that make any sense?”
“Yes, it makes sense, but it’s important
that you find a way to let go of the guilt
and sadness. After all, the horse will
even sense it! Right,Anna?”
“Yeah, Kendra, horses can sense how
people feel. You might get on your
horse and then all of a sudden he will be
really sad and start crying!”
We giggle and then I say,“No. I can’t
possibly be expected to be responsible
for my mom. She’s been like this for
years.”
“Okay, so we all love your mom,
know who she is in her heart, and know
she is struggling. We also know that we
want to help, but she has to be willing
to help herself first.”
“Right. So we could send her a post-
card from here with lots of love and
stuff,” Anna chirps.
“Your mom has problems and to be
able to support her, we need to know
that we are not the problem. We are
part of the solution when we can be
responsible for how we are instead of
reacting to how she is.”
“Okay.” I have a question. So, dur-
ing this trip, if you get angry or upset at
us…you mean it isn’t our fault?”
“No, if I get angry it’s because I am
doing the best I can and, right then, that
might not be very good. You are wel-
come to say that you would rather talk
to me once I’ve calmed down.”
“And, if I get angry about some-
thing…what do I do?”
“We talk about how we feel and
decide how to help each other get
through those feelings, not by taking
responsibility for them, but helping that
person see what it is within themselves
that is getting them upset. We are not
to blame. When you’re feeling angry
let’s talk about it.What do you say girls?
“Sounds good to me.
“Me too. Where are we going riding?’
We went riding that day, and the rest
of the four days flew by. We felt free
somehow, and every night Dad called
to talk to us and we told him all we did.
Every day we lived our belief, that we
were the only ones responsible for our
own reactions and feelings. When one
of us got upset, we took the time to talk
about it. At the end of the trip I didn’t
even know if I wanted to go home. It
seemed we had discovered something
that made so much sense and I was
afraid that when we left we might lose
it, whatever it was.
We sat at Aunt Jo’s table, looking over
the gardens, eating our breakfast, dread-
ing the drive to the airport. No one
said much of anything.
Anna whispered,“Aunt Jo, how are
you feeling?”
“Actually,Anna, I am feeling sad. I
know you have to leave, but I have so
enjoyed having you both here that I am
sad at the thought of you leaving, and
then I’ll be alone again.”
“I know. I feel that way too. I thought
you liked living alone,Aunt Jo?” Anna
asks.
“Well, I’m feeling happy,” I blurt out,
not really knowing where this is coming
from. ”I feel happy that we had a good
Your mom has problems
and to be able to support
her, we need to know that
we are not the problem.
We are part of the
solution when we can be
responsible for how we
are instead of reacting to
how she is.
time, happy that we love Aunt Jo and we
all got along so well, and happy that we
can love Mom, even if she can’t be with
us. I feel better than when we came. ”
“Good thinking, Kendra. That sounds
healthy. I’m starting to feel better. Give
me a group hug you two!”
“Aunt Jo, how about flying to our
house soon and visiting us, or can we
come out again?” I asked.
“Let’s plan on it and one way or the
North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
K
P
other, we will make it happen. In the K
mean time, we can email and call each
other when we want to share our feel-
Empowered Kids
ings. And, you girls will have each other.
So, remember that no matter what
happens with your mom, or anyone
else, you are responsible for the kind
of person you want to be, how you act
and react, and to become all that you
can be.”
We flew home thinking about all we
had learned, knowing we both felt so
much better and fell asleep for almost
the whole flight. We called Dad from
Detroit and he said he would meet us
at the baggage claim area. When we
arrived and got off the plane, we headed
through the terminal to baggage claim
and looked for Dad. We finally spotted
him and he grabbed us and hugged us, it
was great to be back with him.
“Dad, we had so much fun with Aunt
Jo. Thanks for suggesting the trip. Can
we go back soon?”
“Hold on girls. I just got you home
and you’re already ready to leave again?”
We got our luggage and blabbered
on about our trip. On the ride home
we asked him if he had heard from
Mom. He said that she had checked in
to rehab again and wanted you both to
know how much she loves you.
Anna said,“I really hope that she
starts making better decisions so that
we get her back, but if she doesn’t I’m
not to blame. ”
“Me neither,” I add.
He looked at us and said,“Good for
you!! Sounds like you had a good time
with Aunt Jo.”
Much to my surprise, I said,“Oh, and
Dad, can we try to stop blaming each
other when we get angry or sad or
hurt. At Aunt Jo’s we agreed to talk
about our feelings but to only take
responsibility for our own reactions.
Whenever we’re upset it’s not other
people’s fault.”
Dad smiled and said,“Absolutely. It
sounds like we are going to be doing
a lot of healthy talking from now on. I
love you both so much.” I
15
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Guided
Guided By NSFM
By NSFM
Look for Tanessa’s article every month as she shares her experiences raising her
12-month-old son, Guy, on the tools and insights offered in our magazine.
D  uring my pregnancy, I committed myself to
fixing all my quirks and flaws. As I saw it,
I had nine months to become the perfect
parent. By the time Guy was born, I felt
prepared and confident—but far from perfect.
Reading North Star Family Matters, I found myself
making peace with my parenting abilities. Every article
seemed to offer hope or solutions to everyday prob-
lems. They reminded me that we all grow with each
situation, even those we see as problems. The final ar-
ticle in the Conscious Parenting Principles series, “Role
Models,” struck a nerve. How can I be a role model if
I regularly make mistakes? The article assured me that
role models aren’t perfect people, but people who can
acknowledge their vulnerabilities and mistakes. I am
likely to pass along my best traits if I lead by example.
“Be the role model that you wished you had,” I read.
Role models aren’t perfect. They’re real and connect
with us. Those seem like instructions I can follow!
I also found useful tools for communication in the
Blame Game article. Initially, I thought, Oh, I don’t
blame others. I don’t go around telling people, “It’s
your fault.” But, the more I read, the more I started
to see how it applies to me. I think I am responsible
for other people’s happiness and I often expect others
to be responsible for mine. I picked up these patterns
during my childhood, when I blamed a grumpy dad or
16 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
By Tanessa Dillard Noll
cranky sister for ruining the quality of my day. Mean-
while, my mom usually tried to make everyone feel
better, even though she was powerless over the ever-
changing moods around her.
I learned that blaming happens even when it’s not
verbalized. Sometimes I blame people with my feelings.
If people pour out their stresses to me when I am rid-
ing high on a “good mood” wave, I become resentful
if they rob me of my joy. They probably have no idea
that I take on their distress and secretly blame them
for my reactions. They need a compassionate listener,
when what they get instead is a resentful one.
I also found the quiz in the article helpful in identify-
ing my blaming patterns. Now when the baby is teeth-
ing or my husband is withdrawn and wants time alone,
I remind myself that I am responsible for how I act
and feel. I can transcend the moods of others, even if
I care about them deeply. It feels like a healthier and
more balanced way to live as a family.
This reminds me of Sophie Frank, the young writer
who eloquently wrote about confidence in her recent
story. Not only did I feel like I was momentarily lost
in the pages of a young adult novel, I felt like I was get-
ting a true sense of what it means for a child to feel
empowered. The world of conscious parenting is new
to me and I’m finding that it renews my hope when I
see how successful children can be if we give them the

opportunities to be their best.
I was surprised to read from
Gary Craig, founder of Emotional
P
celebrate this milestone. I consider giving us the tools and support to
his age and realize that he won’t
even remember this occasion. Like
empower our family! I

Guided by NSFM
Freedom Techniques, that EFT any day, I imagine, it should be filled About the Author:
could be used on pre-verbal infants. with things he loves: good food, Tanessa Dillard Noll is a stay-at-
I wish I had known this sooner. I room to run, lots of play, hugs, and home mom who lives in Belfair,
quickly began experimenting with laughter. Most importantly, this WA. Before motherhood, she
EFT tapping on Guy. Once, he was early time in his life is a celebra- worked with kids of all ages as a
tired and crying in my arms. The tion for my husband and me, who tutor, mentor, chat room monitor
other time, he was crying in his car have made it through our first year and teacher. She has degrees in
seat because he was hungry and as parents. Thank you, NSFM, for communications and teaching.
he had dropped his bottle. Since
I knew what was wrong, I stated
his problem and offered my usual
soothing words. He wiggled at first,
which made it hard to tap on the
various points. The more I contin-
ued, the more he relaxed. It has
been only a few days, but I plan to
continue using EFT with Guy and I
will let you know how he responds.
I can only imagine what he thinks
Mommy is doing.
We visited a farm recently at
the same time as a group of pre-
school children. Many of the kids
appeared to be only a year or
two older than my son. I noticed
similarities, such as curiosity and
a need to be protected by familiar
adults. But, at the same time, I was
awed by the vast differences, most
notably the ability to communicate
with words. It amazed me to hear
a little girl say “Thank you,” when
someone made room for her. I’m
excited to think of Guy one day
having an awareness of other peo-
ple making choices that benefit him.
I was also fascinated when the farm
guide tried to address the children
and they continued to talk loudly
and share their excitement about
the things they saw. Evidently, they
haven’t yet learned to be a quiet
audience. There was something re-
freshing in their voices and I imag-
ined my son one day expressing
his thoughts and observations with
other children and adults.
As we near Guy’s first birthday,
I’ve tossed and turned over how to

North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue 17

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Emotional Toolbox
Who Needs EFT?
E  motional Freedom Technique (EFT) is like
acupuncture—you either believe it or not!
It sounds ridiculous: Tap on some places on
your body, say some phrases, hum, count,
and voila! Your negative emotions seem to disappear. If
you’re anything like me, you may be resistant to trying it.
But twelve years ago I found myself in a family counselor’s
office with my three daughters, aged twelve to fifteen,
who all seemed to think I didn’t have healthy boundar-
ies with men. You see, I had recently started dating after
nearly thirteen years of being a single parent. I had no
idea what they were talking about. This was not a day I
enjoyed having my empowered kids around.
The psychologist looked at me and asked, “How do you
feel about what the girls are saying?”
“Feel?” I replied. “I don’t know what they’re talk-
ing about. How do they know what good boundaries
are anyway? They’re just kids. None of them have even
dated.”
The psychologist looked back at the kids and asked, “So,
what exactly do you mean when you say she doesn’t have
good boundaries?” Each one seemed to have something
readily at hand to describe the lack of boundaries that
they could readily see and I couldn’t.
“Our mom raised us to speak up for ourselves and
have good boundaries in school and in life, but she doesn’t
seem to have any when it comes to dating. She dates a
18 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
By Sue Woodward
guy she meets online for only one month and tells us that
she is thinking about moving us down to Detroit so she
can be closer to him.”
He looked at me as if I had lost my mind and said with
a tone of astonishment, “You mean you just met this man
and after only one month you are going to pack up your
family, leave your house on the lake, and go live in De-
troit?”
“Well, I wasn’t really going to do it, I was just thinking
about it. That’s not a crime is it?”
Then my middle daughter said, “And everyone that she
dates seems to be the “right” one, as long he is happy
with her. Then, when something goes wrong she falls
apart and thinks it’s her fault.”
This time the psychologist didn’t say a thing and just
looked at me, nodding his head, watching as the tears
started rolling down my cheeks. I was seemingly unable
to comprehend what these empowered teens seemed so
sure about.
And as if that wasn’t enough, the youngest chimed in,
reminding me once again that there are always those
exceptional times that I wished I had raised kids who
were insecure and intimidated: nice silent kids who might
feel threatened in a psychologist’s office speaking up
about healthy, loving relationships and personal bound-
aries. “And,” she said with all the surety of a mountain
goat on the side of a cliff, “The minute she finds someone,

they become her trusted, best friend
right away. More than us! It’s like she
thinks they are some knight in shining
armor or something…”
He looked at me again, now under-
standing clearly which one of us had
the problem. “Well, you don’t see a
problem with any of the things your
daughters are saying?”
“If I did see the problem, I can as-
sure you I wouldn’t be in your office
with my three kids telling me what’s
wrong with me. They see the prob-
lem and I seem to be the problem.”
“Well, I’d like to try something dif-
ferent with you. Typically we would
sit around and talk for months trying
to figure out why you’re this way,
getting an understanding of your past
and how it affected you, but I’d like to
try EFT with you. I find that most of
my patients progress at a much faster
pace doing EFT. Somehow it creates
a shift in their thinking and allows
them to see things from a different,
healthier perspective. Are you willing
to try?”
I didn’t really care what we tried
and readily agreed, then wondering
if my ready agreement meant I had
no boundaries with him either, but at
least the kids hadn’t seemed to notice
that. And so began my experience
with EFT… “If you had to say how
sad you feel about your kids saying
you don’t have any boundaries with
men and put a number on how it
feels from 0 – 10, 10 being high, what
would it be?”
“A nine. I just don’t understand
why any of you are bothered by this.”
Then he asked me to tap on the
side of my hand and say: “Even though
I feel sad because my girls think I
don’t have any boundaries with men, I
completely and totally accept my-
self. Even though I don’t know what
they’re talking about, I completely and
totally accept myself anyway.”
Then he had me tap some places
on my face and torso, then keep my
K
P
K
EFT Basics
Emotional Toolbox
Step 1: Use the finger 2. Top Of Head
tips of one hand to tap the
fleshy part on the side of the 3. Inner Brow
other hand. This is called the
Karate-Chop point. 4. Side of Eye
Say 3 times: “Even though I...
5. Under Eye
• Feel Sad
• Hate Reading 6. Under Nose
• Am mad at _____
• Feel __________ 7. Chin
...I deeply and completely love
and accept myself because I 8. Collar Bone
am an awesome kid!”
Step 2: Tap on points
9. Rib Cage
numbered 2-10 about 5-7
times each, starting at the
10. Under Arm
top of the head and working
down to the point under
the arm.
Start Here 1. Karate-Chop
head straight, and look down hard children). At the end of the seventh
to the right, hard to the left, roll my round I started smiling. Suddenly,
eyes up in circles, hum happy birthday, I got it. “Oh! So you guys mean I
count to five, hum again and count should be evaluating whether I really
again. And this was supposed to solve want to live in Detroit, what a move
my problems with men? Sure… Then would do to my kids, and make a ra-
he said, “Take a deep breath, close tional decision rather than just jump-
your eyes and give me a number for ing in? I get it!”
that sadness now.” With a big sigh and a general sense
It had changed, the tension in my of relief, my girls nodded their heads
body felt different. Of course, now I and said, “Finally!”
might be certifiable after that crazy And so began over a decade’s jour-
eye rolling thing. Maybe I was just ney with EFT that involved getting
distracted or trying to please him. certified, using it as a tool for emo-
“It’s a six now. I feel confused but tional resistance, getting regular refer-
not sad. I just don’t know what they rals from a doctor’s office, etc. Little
mean.” did I know that years later we’d start
So he had me go through the whole a magazine using EFT as one of the
thing again, but this time saying, “Even fundamental tools to help parents and
though I feel confused…I completely kids. My daughters are still a constant
and totally accept myself.” Then we reflection of my room for personal
did the whole eye rolling-humming- growth and I still discover new levels
counting series again. And on we of healthy boundaries at the age of
went another five rounds, touching fifty-seven. The moral of the story?
on some of my past experiences with Watch out when you raise empow-
men (none of which were very digni- ered kids because, sometimes, age has
fied to be sharing in front of your nothing to do with wisdom!! I
North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue 19
 P
Conscious Parenting

Family Circle By Sharon Becker

I  n our family, we call the bonds and closeness we share

and feel “the family circle.” After all the time and effort
parents devote to building a close family unit, it is dif-
ficult to experience the mixed emotions we feel when
our children move into new and more independent lives, cre-
ating a change in the circle. We might experience a sense of
loss and resistance as our family evolves over time. This resis-
Recently, my twenty one year old son made a decision
not to come home from college for Thanksgiving break but,
instead, to stay and make his own first Thanksgiving with his
wonderful, longtime girlfriend. While there were many rea-
sons for this that made perfect sense and, intellectually, I un-
derstood and agreed, I still felt sad and even a bit wounded by
the change. I might have easily created a response that would
tance is natural, especially when experiencing “firsts” such as make the situation an issue, perhaps leaving my son feeling
your child’s first day at kindergarten, the first time they sleep guilty and conflicted.
over at someone else’s house, the first time our child boards Instead, we talked openly about the situation and my
a bus for a school trip, or heads off to college. We all expe- feelings as we joked about letting others into the circle. I
rience different situations and reactions as we release our recently sent him a gift box filled with a pot holder, kitchen
children into the lives they are creating for themselves. towel and other fun things that had a Thanksgiving theme.
When we resist the pull, we may create interactions that While I will certainly miss them, instead, I like to think about
put additional pressure on the circle. This resistance is often how wonderful it will feel when we can all celebrate together
accompanied by behaviors that (perhaps unintentionally) lead again. In fact, we have now expanded the circle model and
parents to blame their kids for their unhappiness, which can, adapted it to include other close relationships and friends.As
in turn, create feelings of guilt in the children. A sense of pro- the circle grows, I do my best to embrace the changes that
tectiveness encourages us to deny others access to or expan-
sion of the circle. All our family circles
come my way. I
can expand when we embrace the new
experiences inherent in this circle of life,
until one day the circle will wrap around
the world.
While our roles as mothers and
fathers have certainly expanded and
changed over the past few decades, the
“empty nest” syndrome is just one ex-
ample of the wide-spread feelings that
still tug at our hearts. For those of us
unarmed with previously learned skills
or role models to follow, the question
remains,“How can I use every experi-
ence of transition as a healthy growing
experience for myself and my family?
20 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
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K
Who “I AM” Matters

“I Am”
Affirmations By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione

For Life

W  elcome to our read-aloud column for par-

ents and kids based on The I AM! Affirmation
Book: Discovering The Value of Who You Are.
There are over 122,000 copies of The I AM!
Affirmation Book in print; it has been gifted to children in 30
countries and over 708,000 books of many titles have been
gifted across the world by the I AM Foundation. We be-
lieve that when people discover their true value, they bring
that value to their families, communities, and world. There
are two ways we discover our value and self-worth. One
is through the thoughts we choose and what we believe
about who we are and the other is from the messages we
receive from our parents, teachers, and other adults.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH:
“On Monday, October 22, 2007 you visited our school and
my children received The I AM Affirmation Book. They have not
been able to put this book down! They absolutely love it! … I
have seen first hand the effects of low self esteem on children
and how [the book] changes their success in the classroom. I
get overwhelmed with emotion when I think about what The I
AM Foundation is accomplishing because I know that every kid
in any situation needs this support.”
--A third grade teacher at Arlington International emotionally because they disagree. We can listen to others
Leadership School in Jackson,TN
 AFFIRMATION OF THE MONTH:
An affirmation is a statement of truth. What the I AM! af-
firmations do is affirm the truth about each of us-- that we
are loving, intelligent, caring beings full of potential and wor-
thy of love, respect, and appreciation. Whatever we choose
to say after the words “I am” affects our feelings, beliefs, and
how we experience the world. When we say positive affir-
mations, these beliefs support us in feeling more confident
and capable at school, at home, or wherever we are.
I Am Honest!
And if we disagree,
I talk about my feelings,
Respecting You as well as Me
I Am Patience!
And even if I think things go wrong,
I know inside me very well,
They’ll turn around before too long
It is perfectly okay to have differences. What is not okay
is to force our opinions on others verbally, physically, or
with respect instead of judgement, even if we think, feel, or

22 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue

believe differently.
When we choose
to listen with care
and respect instead,
our patience is re-
warded by:
• A better un-
derstanding of
each other as
we respect our
differences
• A solution
that meets
everyone’s needs
• An opportunity to reconsider
our opinions as we learn new
ideas that help us value the differ-
ences between us.
Life is always changing and every day
there’s a new tomorrow. We never
know how things are going to turn
out. Sometimes what seems like a bad
thing might actually turn out to be a
good thing. And even when something
seems downright bad, it doesn’t mean
that something wonderful won’t come
along next.
Four practices to support us:
• Communicate and listen to dif-
ferences rather than bully, intimi-
date, or use physical force.
• Value the differences between
us rather than judge right or
wrong.
• Learn to give empathy (being
aware of how someone feels)
and compassion (caring about
their feelings) for other people
as you do your best to who are ill, homeless, poor, or unemployed
P
understand their point have value. We have value simply be- K
of view. cause we are alive.
Who “I AM” Matters
• In disagreements, Practice the affirmations by role
practice stepping into playing or talking about your feelings.
the value of who you Sometimes it’s hard to do something
are by remembering new, but over time, affirmations can
that what someone says help us learn to flow with life instead
or does is never about of struggling against it. We hope you
you, even if they think enjoyed our column and remember
it is. to send us a quote on how the I AM!
Bobby’s father is a law- affirmations help you or your child.
yer, he wears a suit and We will be running an “I Am” quote in
tie to work. Maria’s father every issue. It is our joy to support
works construction and wears jeans and you and your child and we look for-
boots to work. Bobby told Maria that his
father was more important than hers.
ward to seeing you next month. I
At first Maria felt sad and angry when About the Author:
Bobby said that. Then she remembered Steve Viglione is the founder and
her I AM statements and that everybody CEO of The I AM Foundation and
has equal value and that what Bobby author of The I AM!   Affirmation
thinks or says isn’t about her. So, the Book. Marilyn Powers, Ph.D., is
next day she said hello to Bobby and said, the Vice President of The I AM
“Bobby, I think both of our dad’s are just Foundation and is married to
as important but you can think whatever Steve.  They live in California.  
you want.” We all have different skills and www.iamfoundation.org
talents, and all are needed. Even people
Answers to November’s Games
1. Niether, because yolks 8. Just between you and me
are yellow. 9. Two in One
2. During winter the lake is 10. The Sydney Opera House, Australia
frozen and they drove the
tractor across. Follow the North Star
3. In Washington, D.C Page 10, Page 12, Page 16, Page 30
4. The umpire and the
catcher Joojiru™
5. The word “snow-
ing” goes to sow-
ing, swing, sing, sin,
in and I.
6. Hiking in the
woods
7. Stay overnight
North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue 23
 Lots of Great Programs
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subscription. This subscription is made possible through the network of programs and affiliates
within Life Made Much Easier.

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K
Brain Teasers
1. One day, a Genie offered Raja a
Games

After that, Raja went to his father who

wish. Genie told him he could ask
for anything but his wish should be
one wish. The Genie gave him one
day to think about it. Raja became
very happy and went to his mother
to discuss the wish. His mother was
blind and she asked her son to wish
for her eye-sight to come back. Next,
Raja went to his wife. She became
very excited and asked for a son,
since they had no children.
Outside
Think the Box
3. One snowy night, Sherlock Holmes
was in his house sitting by a fire. All
of a sudden a snowball came crashing
through his window, breaking it.
Holmes got up and looked out the
window just in time to see three
neighborhood kids who were brothers
run around a corner. Their names
were John Crimson, Mark Crimson and
Paul Crimson. The next day Holmes
got a note on his door that read: ?
Crimson. He broke your window.
Which of the three Crimson brothers
should Sherlock Holmes question
about the incident?
wanted to be rich and so he asked his
son to wish for a lot of money. The next
day he went to the Genie and made one
wish through which all three (mother,
father, wife) got what they wanted.
What was his wish?
2. The Pope has it but he does not use
it.Your father has it but your mother
probably also uses it. Nuns do not
need it. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a
big one, Michael J. Fox’s is quite small.
What is it?
A rebus describes a phrase by using
position, highlighting, size, or color
applied to words in a meaningful way.
Below are four examples. Can you
guess what phrases they represent?
4. 5.
va ders daydayout
6. 7.
| READ | calm storm

24 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue

 K
Where In The World?
Look for the answers to
8. Do you know or can you find out these puzzles in next month’s

Games
where this picture was taken? edition.
Do you have a brilliant brain
teaser, funny joke, tricky
picture, or quirky question
you’d like to submit?
E-mail us at:
games@
northstarfamilymatters.com
If you prefer to write a letter,
send it to:
North Star Family Matters
698 E. Promontory Rd.
Shelton, WA 98584
Or call us for free at:
1-888-360-0303

Fill in the blanks below with the numbers 1-9
so that each number is used exactly once in
each row, column, and the nine 3 x 3 squares.
JOOJIRU™
Counting by 4’s, place a number in each box
so that each number is used only once in each
row, column and the nine 3 x 3 boxes. The
numbers used are numbers from 4-36.

Solution, tips, and computer program at www.sudoku.com

North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue 25

 P
Reading Right
Reading Right
E  ach month we bring you a column by Read Right de-
veloper, Dee Tadlock, Ph.D. Read Right empowers kids
with the philosophy that, if a child isn’t learning to read,
it’s not because there’s something wrong with the child.
Rather there’s something “wrong” with the way the child is
being taught! Let’s show you what we mean.
Can you understand the meaning of the following para-
graph?
Aoccdrnig to rseerach, it deosn’t mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are prsee-
tend. The olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht frist
and lsat ltteres are at the rghit pclae. Th rset
cn be a toatl mses nd yu cn sitll raed it wouthit
a porbelm.
You probably got the meaning even though you couldn’t
have sounded out most of the words! Nor could you have
recognized any of them by sight! Now try this:
With hocked gems financing him
Our hero bravely defied all scornful laughter
That tried to prevent his scheme
Your eyes deceive he had said
An egg not a table correctly typifies this unex-
plored planet
Now three sturdy sisters sought proof…1
26 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
By Dee Tadlock, Ph.D.
You didn’t get the meaning, did you? Even though you
“read” all the words the first time, you probably didn’t un-
derstand the author’s meaning. Now read it again and this
time think: Christopher Columbus1.
The Read Right system was developed by a mom, Dr. Dee
Tadlock, who was determined to help her son, a struggling
reader. This required her to discover how the brain learns
to read successfully. During her extensive research, she
found that reading (whether early reading development
or remediation) must be grounded in meaning, not decod-
ing. Since 1991, Dr. Tadlock and Read Right Systems have
helped thousands of children, teens, and adults in the United
States, Canada, China, and Germany through school-based
programs, telephone tutoring, and at-home programs.
Read Right’s premise that all children can learn to read,
plus their phenomenal success rate, is why NSFM partners
with Read Right. Reading empowers the lives of children
and, together with Read Right, we are in the business of
empowering kids.
1
J. Dooling and R. Lachman, 1972, “Effects of Comprehension on Re-
tention of Prose” Journal of Experimental Psychology,Volume 88, pages
216-222.
H  ave you ever watched a
child learn to figure out
how to do something?
Grasp a toy? Walk? Tie
her shoes?
Brains are wonderfully adept at figur-
ing out how to do things. Think of ev-
erything your child could do moments
after birth. It’s a short list, isn’t it? Think
of everything she can do now! If you
should actually make a list of every-
thing she has learned to do since birth,
many processes won’t even appear. For
example, you probably wouldn’t in-
clude “She knows how to scratch her
nose when it itches?” but she certainly
couldn’t do that at birth.
How did your child learn that par-
ticular process? Did you teach her how
to scratch her nose when she needed
to relieve an itch? Or, did she make
attempt after attempt until her curi-
ous and adaptive brain figured it out
for itself? That’s how the brain learns
processes such as talking and reading—
through interaction with the environ-
ment via a continuous cycle of: 1)
attempts at performing the process, 2)
failure, 3) implicit analysis of the result,
and 4) implicit adjustments in future
attempts until the desired result is
achieved. It is a simple formula every
brain uses to figure out a process: at-
tempt, fail, analyze, and adjust with the
next attempt. You can use this knowl-
edge of how the brain learns a process
to create an environment in which your
child can figure out reading—or any
other process—if she chooses to do so.
THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT
FOR FIGURING OUT
SPOKEN LANGUAGE
Virtually all children learn to speak
because meaningful sound (language) is
consistently dumped into their brains,
and their brains are compelled to “make
sense” of it simply because it is there.
Making sense is what brains do—we call
that learning. Language learning starts
very early. Newborn infants with just a
few days of exposure to their mother-
tongue can distinguish it from other
languages they have not been exposed
to. When infants first babble, they do so
in a universal tongue, producing all the
sounds the human speech apparatus is
capable of producing. By about eight or
nine months of age, they babble only in
their mother-tongue.
Children have a strong motivation to
figure out language because they are, by
nature, social and they want to partici-
pate in the communication that is going
on all around them. This is obvious to
anyone who has observed very young
children communicating without lan-
guage. They are creative and persistent
in such communication, but they also
display frustration when the communi-
cation fails and they simply cannot be
understood.
The right environment for figuring
out spoken language is one in which
there is a consistent source of mean-
ingful language together with a “coach”
who spontaneously provides feedback
on performance and encourages the
use of language even when it is pep-
pered with mistakes. No parent gives
their children talking lessons, yet virtu-
ally all of them learn to talk. How do
they do it? They figure it out for them-
selves!
THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT FOR
FIGURING OUT READING
The Catch 22 in figuring out read-
ing is this: how can meaningful print be
consistently “dumped” into the brains
of young children if they can’t read? The
obvious answer: someone else must
read to the child and position him so he
can see the print.
Earlier columns have explained that
the essence of excellent reading is to
anticipate the author’s intended mean-
ing. It makes sense to read to your child
from highly predictable books so he
will automatically begin to predict the
meaning. For example: I like to go to
the beach. I like to go to the park. I like
to go to the swimming pool. I like to go
to the bakery. I like to go to the movies.
North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
If this were a book with one sentence
on each page together with representa-
P
Reading Right
tive pictures, it wouldn’t be long before
your three- or four-year-old would be
reading it to you!
You will find that if you choose to
read such books to your child, he will
eagerly and spontaneously respond
positively to your comments of invita-
tion:“I bet you can read this page.Want
to try?”
Brains that are deeply engaged in
figuring out the reading process recog-
nize that highly predictable books are
the vehicles through which they figure
it all out. Some parents expect chil-
dren to be bored by highly predictable
books, particularly if the child is already
engaged in more complex reading mate-
rial (e.g., listening to Harry Potter) or, if
the child is old enough to think of some
of these works as “baby books”. We
can engage such a child in the reading
process by asking her if she wants to
learn to read. If she says,“Yes!” then
suggest that you read some simple
books together to make the process of
figuring out reading easier. This estab-
lishes a different purpose for the activity,
thereby preparing her for the simpler,
highly predictable books. Instead of set-
ting her up to judge the early readers
based on interest level, she will be mo-
tivated and prepared to become highly
engaged in the implicit activity of figur-
ing out the complex process of passage
reading for herself.The goal is for your
child to want to figure out the passage-
reading process on her own because
she sees value in it, and she wants to get
on board for an exciting ride into the
world of reading. I
About the Author:
Dee Tadlock, Ph.D. is the founder
of Read Right Systems. In her
book, Read Right! Coaching Your
Child to Excellence in Reading she
explains how some children figure
out the reading process with no
apparent help.
www.ReadRight.com
27
 P
K
Empowered Families
The Sue-Lution Place
Dear Sue,
My four year old suddenly seems defiant.
If I say yes, he says no; if he says he wants
cheese for lunch, I bring him cheese and he
says he doesn’t want cheese. I say go get your
shoes and coat on to leave for school and he
says I am not wearing a coat. I am sure it is a
phase, testing his boundaries, but it is a very
frustrating one. Any suggestions?
J.B.
This sounds like a child who is clearly eager and ready
to take on more responsibility. Are you ready to give it to
him? Assign him a shelf on the bottom of the refrigera-
tor and a shelf in a lower cupboard. Keep a few snacks,
drinks, plastic plates, bowls, silverware, cups, paper tow-
els, and a sponge on his shelves. When he wants a snack,
encourage him to pick out what he wants. If (when) he
makes a mess, encourage him to clean it up and ask him
what he needs to get the job done. Does he want a
sponge, paper towel, or broom?
Instead of telling him to go get his shoes and coat, ask him
if he knows if it is cold or warm out. If he doesn’t know, ask
him to open the door and check for you. Then, ask him if he
thinks he would rather wear his coat or carry it today? And,
does he suggest that you should wear one? Give him choic-
Do you have a question for Sue? E-mail it to sue@northstarfamilymatters.com
This column is intended to support readers with general ideas and suggestions, but in no way is to be considered an expert opinion or medical support.
28 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue
By Sue Woodward
es. This child is yearning to start making his own choices and
to do things for himself. It might take more of your time, but
it will be well worth the effort and reduce frustration as you
see him stop resisting and start getting involved and creative
about his life.
Dear Sue,
My niece is eleven years old and proudly talks
about having babies of her own when she turns
sixteen. What is going on??
A.L.
This sounds like a child who has little to look forward
to in her life. Start asking her how she feels about herself.
If she brings up a baby, communicate how much potential
there is in a child, and how important it is to encourage a
child to be all she can. Then, bring the focus back to her.
What would she like to do with her life? Ask her how
she thinks she is progressing in discovering her potential.
What are her dreams? Help address her low self esteem,
by setting up some goals for her in school, at home and
with things she loves to do. Start out small and encour-
age her to stand up for what she would stand up for with
her own child one day. Her lack of dreams and inability
to see her own potential drive her to focus on the future
instead of the present. Use the potential of any child to
help her recognize her own potential. I
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 K
Coloring Page

30 North Star Family Matters | Holiday Issue

 Family Meetings
Once a week, or as needed, any member of the family can call a family meeting for any reason. Start
when your kids can walk and talk!
1. The child or adult feeling most balanced volunteers to lead and opens by stating the agreements.
We agree to:
• Respect each person’s input
• Let each person finish talking
• Avoid using limiting or judgmental words such as can’t, won’t, don’t, shouldn’t, no, and not
• Focus on what we do want instead of what we don’t want
• Focus on the future rather than the past
• Give everyone equal respect and equal say in the process and decisions
• Commit to communicating until everyone feels that their concerns are resolved.
2. Ask “Is there anything anyone would like to see done differently in the future?”
3. Everyone agrees to work together to find a way to meet that person’s needs.
The CODE
Listen, support, and uncover feelings and needs in compassionate, open-minded ways, as you discover
a PLACE of Peace, Love, Appreciation, Concern, and Empathy. Clues for a CODE ALERT
Use it anytime you hear or feel: Anger • Fear • Anxiety • Blame • Judgment • Guilt • Yelling • Sadness
• Generalizations • Frustration • Hurt.
C. Connect Objectively Listen and clarify the issue objectively (no blame or judgment).
O. Observe Feelings Identify the emotions under the issue, “I feel _____” (angry, sad, etc.).
D. Discover Needs Ask what needs to happen right now to improve their life.
E. Encourage Asking Help form a request that meets their needs and ask for it.
Empowering Questions
Downloading Days Every day take 10 minutes per day per person when someone comes home
and go through their routine, “I went to school, my first class was___, and then…” including both
what you did and how you felt. This helps kids and adults remember the emotionally charged events
mixed throughout their day. Make it fun and make it happen.
Illuminating Questions When you suspect a deeper issue, ask general questions that open the
door just enough to give room for their responses. How do you feel about about yourself? How
would you feel about school? How do you feel about your friends?
Conscious Message Filter
Increase Awareness Children construct meaning based on the messages, facts, and information
they assimilate, mainly from us. Take time to filter out the harmful or limiting messages that attach
themselves to negative reactions (anger, blame, tension, etc).
Acknowledge Your Overwhelm If you can’t resolve your negative reactions, take responsibility for
them by sharing your struggle with your child and reassuring her that she is not responsible for your
negative reactions.
*A full version of Connective Communication is available on our website, www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com for $9.99.
**The CODE is NSFM’s interpretation and representation of the ideas for compassionate communication based on the mate-
rial of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. as presented in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, www.CNVC.org.