INTRODUCTION

I Want You to Enjoy This Book (and Your Life Too)

What do I want?
That question became a door to complete freedom in my life. So you may be thinking, Oh so
he must have figured out what he wanted in life and the chased after and found it. No, that is
not what happened at all. All my wanting ended in freedom from wanting. Thats what really
happened! Thats the freedom.
Let me start by telling a story:
In the days when I began seeking enlightenment, I was listening to Adyashanti talking about
true freedom being freedom from the force of I want. Its freedom from even wanting to be
free. He was explaining, in his own words, that there is an ego-based force behind this sense of
I want. And surrender is the seeing that this ego doesnt really exist. It is just like a force or
movement that arises and falls. And when we follow it, we suffer.
But I remember thinking to myself, Oh, Adya, no, that is too radical! Yoy cant say things like
that especially here in America where everything is based on the American Dream of
wanting more, more and more. As I listen to him, I thought, How can one live without
wanting? How could we plan, build things, build lives, have job and families, find partners for
relationships how could we live in this world without that sense of I want? That didnt
sound like freedom. It sounded like death. It sounded like some state in which we no longer
care about anything like a state of nihilism or complete apathy.
I know now that I wasnt ready to hear his message. I was trying to understand it intellectually.
I wasnt experiencing that freedom that he was referring to. I was merely thinking about it,
projecting in to the future, mentally, and painting a picture of what that state might look like. I
now see that all projections were wrong. Distorted. Short-sighted. Ignorant.
The seeing through of the sense of I want is complete freedom. Its not a state. Its a
realization in which we find ourselves perfectly in the flow of life, able to have all sorts of
thoughts, make all sorts of plans, build and create of sorts of things, be in all sorts of
relationships but without the force of self behind those movements. Its that force of ego or
self-will behind our movements in the world that creates the suffering, seeking, and conflict in
our lives.
When there is a sense of self behind our movements in the world, life feels like a struggle. It
feels like we are piloting a big plane towards tomorrow land. We get highs and lows along the
ride but never the sense of true freedom, satisfaction, peace or completion.
When I think I am the pilot, I suffer. When I no longer think Im the pilot or that there is a pilot,
the plane flies smoothly. It goes wherever it goes. And every place it goes is perfect because I
no longer labor under the false impression that there is an I in control. In short, its this
absence of I want that allows the natural flow of life to happen.

But having this thought about the sense of I want didnt bring the freedom. The freedom
came only when this freedom was a lived realization. And even when it became a lived
realization, I had difficulty communicating this freedom to others. How can I say that freedom
is freedom from this force of I want? People just misinterpret it, as I did when Adyashanti
spoke.
Years later, a pair of questions popped up that felt like a key to this freedom. I was driving to
work one day. It was a Tuesday morning. Nothing particularly special about that day. As I was
stopped at a stoplight, a voice rose up and said What do I want? And every time I supplied an
answer, I saw that I set myself up for suffering.
What do I mean by suffering? I dont mean I enter in a state of complete agony. I didnt double
over in pain or cry out in a screaming fit of angst. Suffering, here, just means resisting life.
Suffering is experiencing life as if there is something wrong or something missing. I noticed
that whenever I answered the question, What do I want? it was totally a set up. I assume
that there was a me piloting the plane again. It was a total lack of trust in the flow of life
itself. And whenever I asked myself the follow up question, What happens when I dont get
what I want? I noticed that the answer is always, I suffer. In one way or the other, I suffer!
Once I saw this initial insight, I began to take a closer look. Driving along the highway, I just
asked: What do I want?
I want people to listen to me.
What happens when people dont listen to me?
I suffer. I get impatient, even angry sometimes.
In seeing that, I took a moment of resting in thought-free resting, letting everything be as it
is. I let the thought of wanting people to listen to me dissolve away quietly. And in that
presence, I realized that this force of wanting that I was carrying around in conversations was
the cause of suffering. People either listen or they dont. Its that simple.
When I took that moment, I let whatever emotion in my body just hung there, without having
to do anything with it. I let the sounds there were coming and going just sound themselves
freely. I let be the air, the sky be the sky, the people and the cars be the people and the cars.
Nothing needed to be added to my present experience. In truth I didnt really let everything be
as it is. I saw that everything already is as it is. More pointedly, the absence of I want. And
that was freedom! Oh, that was a big, fat those of freedom right there! No wanting! No
suffering. No conflict in my present experience.
But then a thought arose: I want this freedom to last. And in that wanting, the set up
reappeared.
So I asked again: What do I want?
I want this freedom to last!
What happens when this freedom doesnt last?

I suffer. I start looking for this freedom. Where did it go? Something is wrong again
something is clearly missing. There I was again, experiencing lack and resistance to what is.
I then took another moment of resting in thought-free presence, letting everything be as it is.
Aaaaahhhhh, I see now! I mistakenly believed that something is missing. It was just a belief. It
came through as a thought that had a sort of force behind it. And that force was the ego the
pilot again. But it was a phantom pilot because when that thought is no longer believed, the
force of self is no longer operating. The ego is nothing more than a movement that comes and
goes. In letting everything be as it is, there is only the flow of life itself and that is perfect, no
matter what is happening. Even the force of self, itself, is part of that flow!
Oh it can be that easy! A couple of questions and a moment of rest? Thats it?
So I kept trying it out.
When I arrived at work, a client was waiting on me. She was really upset! A project we had
been working on was starting to crumble in her eyes. And there it was again, that suffering
within me. I saw that I walked into the situation with the client with an underlying assumption
operating.
So I asked: What did I want?
I wanted my client to be in a good mood, to greet me with a smile and a feeling of optimism
about our project.
And what happen when I didnt get what I want?
I suffered! I thought something was wrong, something was missing. The weight of the world
fell on my shoulders. What really happened is that my client was upset! Thats all. Clients get
upset. Happens all the time. Thats not the problem. Thats not the suffering. The suffering is
wanting it to be otherwise.
I took a moment of resting in presence, letting everything be as it is. In that moment, the
everything included uncomfortable feelings in my chest and stomach. I let those feelings be
as they are. I didnt try to get rid of them. I merely observed them. And I let my thoughts about
my client be as they are.
Ahhhhh, freedom! Its always here. The suffering is the resistance. And the resistance is always
wanting things to be other than the way they are.
When I got home from work, I began to tell a friend about these questions and the moment of
rest. He seemed interested, but distracted a bit. He began talking about something else. I
thought, He doesnt get it! He doesnt see what Im saying! And in that moment, I saw the
set up again.
So I asked: What do I want?
I want him to see the value in asking these questions and resting in presence, letting
everything be as it is.

What happens when he doesnt seem to value this discovery the way I do, when he seems
distracted?
I suffer.
Right there, I took a moment of resting in presence, letting everything be as it is. And I saw
that his appearing distracted and changing the subject was already the perfect flow of life.
So then I wrote this book. I sat down and wrote endlessly, whenever I had a free moment, until
it was completed. And in writing it, I noticed that certain assumptions (wants) would arouse
while writing it. I believe that it needed to be written. I believe that other people would benefit
from reading it.
I asked: What do I want?
I want this book to be written. I want people to benefit from this inquiry.
What happens if the book doesnt get written or if no one benefits from it?
Suffering, of course.
So I took a moment of rest, letting everything be as it is. The point is not to stop living, writing
books, going to work, having families, mowing the lawn, and setting goals. All of that goes on
quite well in the natural flow of life. The point is to see that freedom is here no matter what
happens.
If I finish and publish the book, great.
If the book doesnt get written, thats also great.
Thats the freedom. Its about no longer living or doing. How boring and lifeless would that be?
It is living free of the force of I want behind all the doing. It is freedom from attachment to
how things should turn out. It is, essentially, freedom from the sense of self behind the
wanting.
Somehow the book got written. I hope you benefit from it.
What do I want?
I want you to benefit from reading this book.
What happens if you dont benefit from this book?
I suffer. I think there is something wrong.
In taking a moment of resting in presence, letting everything be as it is, I see that the
thoughts, You will benefit from this book, and You will not benefit from this book, are
equally the perfect flow of life. Ahhhhh, thats freedom.
Enjoy!

CHAPTER ONE
Now You Know why You Suffer
Fragrances
Jodi called one day, a lovely, sweet lady with a very soft and sensuous voice! Id spoken to her
many times. She had come to experience a lot of contentment in her life but kept running up
against a sort of barrier in relationships. On this day, the barrier was, I want people to honor
my requests. Sounds reasonable, doesnt it? Lets look!
Scott: What do you want?
Jodi: I want the ladies in my Sunday spiritual group to stop wearing fragrances. Ive told the
group that I am highly allergic and sensitive to the fragrances in perfumes. For quite a while,
they listened and respected my feelings about this. But last week, a lady wore a very strong
fragrance. I want her to honor my simple request to refrain from wearing fragrances to the
meeting.
Scott: What happens when you dont get what you want, when people dont honor your
requests about wearing fragrances?
Jodi: I get very upset. Its been bothering me all week in fact, ever since the last meeting. I
want to call her up and let her know how disrespectful that is. She was there when I requested
that no one wear fragrances. But apparently it doesnt matter to her. I also break out in hives
sometimes when Im around these perfumes. I feel I cant breathe.
Scott: Well, at least now you know why you suffer, right?
Jodi: Yes, I guess so but Im not sure what that has to do with fragrances.
Scott: Isnt that good knowledge to have? Isnt it good to know why you suffer?
Jodi: Yes, but what do I do about it?
Scott: If you dont know why you suffer, you just continue suffering. Its like walking down a
street full of bumps at night. You cant see why you keep tripping, so you just keep tripping
over the bumps. Knowing why you suffer is like turning on a light so you can see what is
happening. Take a moment to rest in presence right now, letting everything be as it is.
Jodi: I dont know how to do that.
Scott: Start with thought-free presence. Let all stories about fragrances and ladies at the
meeting come to rest for one moment. Jut start with taking a three second rest without these
stories. Just three seconds. Thats all!
Jodi: Okay! <taking a moment to rest> Yes, that is nice! Peaceful! Freeing.
Scott: In that moment, you free of the thought, people should honor my requests.
Jodi: Yes, I was. And that presence, whatever it is, doesnt want anything.
Scott: Right! That presence naturally allows everything to be as it is. It even allows the
thought, They should honor my requests to come and go. It is not at war with that thought.
Jodi: Wow, yes, I see it! But if I allow everything to be as it is, I wont be able to express myself
anymore. I wont be able to say why how I feel or express that these perfumes really do bother
me. This is a physical reaction I have to these fragrances!

Scott: Hold on, back up! Did I say you cannot express yourself or make requests?
Jodi: No, you didnt.
Scott: Right, I merely invited you to rest in presence and let everything be as it is. In that
presence, you were able to see the reason you suffer. You suffer because you emphasize the
thought, I want these ladies to honor my requests and not wear fragrances. Dont you see?
The problem is not that these ladies dont honor your requests. Its not that they wear
fragrances. It is that you really believe ... that is, you REALLY want them to honor your requests
and not wear fragrances. Thats why you suffer. Knowing why you suffer is so important.
Jodi: Yes, because then I always have a choice. I can rest in presence.
Scott: Right, and you can STILL say to them next week, I want you to honor my requests, to
respect my sensitivity to fragrances, to not wear fragrances to the meeting.
Jodi: Right, I can still say that. Thats so freeing to know that I can STILL say that.
Scott: Yes, and they may still not honor your requests. They may still wear perfumes. When
you are resting in presence, letting everything be as it is, you can even let their reactions be as
they are. You can let their complete disrespect for your sensitivity to perfumes to be as it is.
Jodi: But I will get so upset! I will feel rejected, as if they dont respect me.
Scott: Great, then you have an opportunity to let those emotions be as they are in your body.
Feel the rejected feeling in the body, without labeling it. Dont put a story on it. Just let it hang
there in space. That feeling is not your problem. Your problem is that you want people to obey
your requests.
Jodi: So I can walk right in there next week and state very emphatically that I would like them
to no wear fragrances.
Scott: Yes.
Jodi: And when they do not honor my requests, I can leave.
Scott: Yes, you can leave, if that is what feels right for you in that moment. And while you are
living, you can rest in presence, letting all your thoughts and emotions be as they are. One of
your thoughts might be, I cant believe these ladies. They are so disrespectful. You can let
that thought be as it is and just rest in presence. See that it is only a temporary thought
coming and going in presence. Just observe it without adding anything to it. Thats what is
meant by letting everything be as it is.
Jodi: And if I experience a deep hurt I can let that emotions be as it is.
Scott: Because your problem is not in these thoughts and emotions. The suffering arises
because you really want things to turn out a certain way. You want these ladies to actually do
what you tell then to do. And thats not reality. People dont always do what we want them to
do. When we believe otherwise, we suffer. Its good to know why you suffer, right?
Jodi: Yes! The key is presence. I see it. I see that the thoughts, These ladies should do what I
want and These ladies should not do what I want are equally the flow of life. I want to be
free of suffering, so I will rest in presence.
Scott: Hold on, thats what you want, to be free of suffering?
Jodi: Yes.
Scott: What happens when you dont get what you want When suffering arises! You see
thats a set up. The wanting just changes into something else. It takes a different form.

Jodi: <laughing> Yes, I see now. Just take a moment of resting in presence, letting even the
thought I want to be free of suffering come and go.
Scott: It does already, doesnt it? The thought, I mean doesnt it come and go anyway,
whether you let it or not.
Jodi: Yes, it does! <laughing> So Im just seeing that this thought already comes and goes. I see
that I dont really have the power to let it be as it is. That thought is already the perfect flow.
Yes, its the wanting. THATS the suffering.

Theres no Pleasing Stephen

Scott: What do you want?
Stephen: Im people pleaser. I want people to like me.
Scott: What happen when people dont like you?
Stephen: I feel rejected, hurt.
Scott: Sounds like suffering.
Stephen: It is! I cant help it though. I found myself doing it over and over again. Im like a
broken record, repeating these same patterns. I dont want to rock the boat in life. I am afraid
of doing anything that will result in someone rejecting or even disliking me.
Scott: Take a moment and rest in presence. Just drop the thought, People need to like me,
and rest for five seconds. Let life just be as it is for that moment.
Stephen: <taking a moment>
Scott: When you took that moment, did it feel like people needed to like you for you to be
okay?
Stephen: No, I was already okay in that moment.
Scott: So now you know why you suffer. Instead of choosing to rest in presence and let thing
be as they are, you emphasize the thought, I want her to like me or a similar thought or
feeling.
Stephen: Yes! I overlook the fact that Im already complete right now. WAIT! NO!!! How do I
know Im not doing it again? May Im just saying I already feel complete to please you.
Scott: So thats what you want? to please me?
Stephen: Yes, to please you, and everybody else.
Scott: Well, Im not pleased. What happens when you dont get what you want, when Im not
pleased?
Stephen: I suffer.
Scott: Tale a moment and rest in presence, letting everything be as it is.
Stephen: Ah, yes. Thats what Im looking for ultimately.
Scott: Once you know why you suffer, the solution is available: Presence. Until you know, you
continue suffering.
Stephen: Yes, wand when I suffer, I start want to please again, because it makes me feel good.
It takes away the suffering.

Scott: Pleasing people may give you a temporary release from suffering, but does it take away
the suffering forever?
Stephen: No, the suffering comes back. Pretty soon I found someone else who seems like they
dont like me. I then feel the fear of rejection. I want to numb it. So I start wanting to please
that person.
Scott: Yes, its like a heroin junkie. He keeps injecting the heroin for a quick fix, but never finds
the ultimate relief he is seeking. He cannot see that I want heroin is not the solution. Its the
problem. And even if he can see that its the problem, he may feel just like you do, like a
broken record, repeating the same self-destructive pattern. Its good to first know why you
suffer. Thats important information. Now what will you do with that information?
Stephen: Ill try to remember that I dont need to please everybody to be okay.
Scott: Thats a good start but dont try to figure this out with your mind. Imagine the heroine
junkie trying to think himself out of using heroin. Its difficult, if not possible. He must
experience for himself that, in presence, he is already whole and complete. This not something
he can think himself into. He must experience presence for himself. Stick to experience and
keep it simple. Remember, once you know why you suffer, take a moment and rest in
presence, letting everything be as it is.
Stephen: Okay, Ill do that now. <taking a moment> Yes, yes, yes!! I am truly okay already in
presence.
Scott: Are you trying to please me again?
Stephen: <laughing> No, Im experiencing it this freedom. When I too that moment, I could
feel the fear in my body but I just let it be as it is. I didnt label it. I didnt try to get rid of it or
emphasize a thought about pleasing you again.
Scott: Great! Yes, the joke being played on humanity is that our well-being is already contained
in presence, yet we go looking for it in time, in the future. In your case, you look for people to
like you. People are your drug. The whole search for well-being is based on the misperception
that, if you reach the place where you are well-liked, you will be ok. You will find contentment.
Stephen: Thats a lie believing I have to chase contentment. Its already here.
Scott: Yes! You dont have to please others to be pleased with life. It doesnt work anyway, as
you have seen. In presence, contentment is already here.
Stephen: Im pleased.
Scott: Yes. And notice that the thought, Im pleased and Im not pleased are both thoughts
that come and go. Let them both be as they are. Recognize yourself as the presence that is
aware of the coming and going of those thoughts. Otherwise, as soon as you have sense that
you are no longer pleased, you will start wanting to please others again. Youll want your fix,
like the heroin junkie.

CEOS Dont Suffer

Kenny: Scott, Im a CEO of a major corporation.
Scott: Congratulations. You must have worked really hard to get there!
Kenny: Yes, I did. And this is why I have a problem with your method. I can see how it would
help drug addicts or people who are deeply depressed, but Im neither of those things. I make
a lot of money.

Scott: Fair enough, so why are you here?

Kenny: I want you to see that you are taking this approach of not wanting too far. If I had
followed this approach, I never would have become CEO. I might still be washing dishes at a
fast food joint.
Scott: So thats what you want? You want me to see that Im taking this approach too far?
Kenny: Yes!
Scott: So what happens if I dont see that? What happens if I continue taking this approach too
far without seeing your point? Would you be able to sit down or walk away without that
bothering you?
Kenny: I would.
Scott: Ok, the sit down. And take a moment, rest in presence, let everything be as it is.
Kenny: No, wait. You arent getting off that easy!
Scott: So apparently you cant sit down. Something is bothering you? Sounds like suffering.
Kenny: <looking a little frustrated> I wont admit that. Im just debating here.
Scott: Ok! But can you state your point without expecting me to agree with it?
Kenny: I want you to see my point here.
Scott: Thats fine, if thats what you want. What Im asking is this: can you state your point
without expecting me to agree with it? I state points all day long. Im stating them here. I
suffer, however, when I want others to agree with my point. And when I say, When I want
others to agree, that means when I expect them to agree with me. Its a form of trying to
control others.
Kenny: Well, isnt that the point of debating points, to get others to agree?
Scott: Perhaps, but is it reality? In reality, people disagree. So can you state your point without
expecting me to agree? Can you be content regardless whether I agree or disagree? If so, then
you know that your well-being never depends on my agreeing with you.
Kenny: okay, I do get that. I can see that, yes. I can even see how that would help me in my job
as a CEO. I can image being in a meeting, and state my position very clearly and very forcefully,
but without that expectation that others should agree. There have been times, when I have a
solid expectation that people should do what I want them to do at work, that Ive taken the
suffering home with me. Ive carried it around with me for days sometimes. There have been
times when I have held a grudge against a colleague for weeks because I held this expectation,
this wanting, so tightly.
Scott: And others seem in control of your joy and freedom in those times.
Kenny: Yes. It seems so. Like my son says, Im allowing them to rent the space in my head.
Scott: Theres nothing wrong with stating points, here or in a meeting, or anywhere. We do it
all day, everyday. Its the expectation, the wanting that is inherently wrapped into our
thinking. Thats the suffering. We believe we have control, as if we are the pilot of the plane of
life.
Kenny: Yes, I see that. Im not the pilot. Whenever I try to control outcomes at work, I suffer.
Wow, I didnt see how this approach could actually benefit me at work. I thought that the

approach went too far, that it would make me not care about my job. I definitely dont want to
lose that sense that I care deeply about my job.
Scott: Well, lets look into that. Is that what you want? You want to care, to make sure you are
caring about your job at all times?
Kenny: Yes, I want to care about my job at all times.
Scott: Sounds reasonable. Its good to care. But what happens when you have a moment of
not caring or the thought, I dont care?
Kenny: Yeah, I dont like that. I turn away from that.
Scott: Well, thats my definition of suffering resistance. Can you take a moment of rest and
let everything be as it is, including the thoughts, I care and I dont care.
Kenny: If I look into that, Im afraid that I will stop caring about my job.
Scott: Im not asking you stop caring about your job. Im inviting you to take a moment of rest.
Kenny: Got it, yes. <taking a moment> Yes, I see that I care and I dont care are both just
thoughts.
Scott: Can you see that when you take a moment of rest, you are already complete just as you
are?
Kenny: Yes! Its true. Thats what Im experiencing right now. But what if I become okay with
life just as it is and I decide that I dont need my job anymore?
Scott: Sounds horrible, to actually be okay with life just as it is, no matter what is happening.
Kenny: <laughing> Okay, I get it. Thats freedom isnt it?
Scott: Yes, unconditional freedom. So one day, it is time to move on from your job (like when
you retire), or if you become no longer interest in your job, you know that you are
fundamentally okay no matter what happens. You will have come to rely on this presence,
instead of all the wanting.
Kenny: Yes, I can see how even losing interested in a job is fine. Its the wanting to control the
outcome that results in suffering, the wanting to not lose interest. That thought creates
suffering. I can see now that Ive been suffering. It feels so great to get even a moment of
freedom from controlling outcomes.
Scott: And one moment turns into two moments, then three, then many, then the unbroken
experience of freedom. The flow of life itself, without egoic wanting.

Two Conversations on Enjoyment

Conversation #1
Scott: What do you want?
Jill: I just want to enjoy my life!
Scott: What happens when you arent enjoying life at any given point?
Jill: I think something is wrong with or my life. Then I usually start seeking for something to fill
that hole.
Scott: Can you take a moment and rest?
Jill: Yes!

Scott: What do you want when you are resting in presence, letting everything be as it is?
Jill: Nothing.
Scott: Sounds enjoyable.
Jill: It is, very. Fulfilling!
Scott: So imagine yourself in some moment, tomorrow, where you start to feel frustrated with
how your husband is acting. Imagine the painful thoughts and feelings that might arise about
your husband.
Jill: That doesnt sound enjoyable.
Scott: But if you took another moment, right then, and allowed everything to be as it is, you
would be okay, wouldnt you?
Jill: Well, I might still experience bad feelings.
Scott: AH, THATS the suffering isnt it? Thats the real wanting we are dealing with here. Want
to look into that?
Jill: Sure.
Scott: So you want to experience only good feelings?
Jill: <laughing> Well, of course.
Scott: What happen if you experience a bad feeling later today?
Jill: Ill suffer because Ill start thinking something is wrong with me again.
Scott: We often think that life includes only good feelings. It isnt realistic, is it?
Jill: No, it isnt. Freedom is living in alignment with reality.
Scott: Right. Reality, which is life, is happening now. Take a moment and rest in presence. Let
everything thats happening right now be as it is. That includes both good and bad feelings and
thoughts that might be streaming through your experience.
Jill: I see Ive been avoiding feeling the negative feelings.
Scott: Yes, we so easily distract or turn away from certain things that are arising in our
experience, while seeking or wanting something else, something more usually a good
thought or feeling. When we rest in presence, letting everything be as it is, we are in alignment
with reality. Well-being and a natural enjoyment of life start to show up.
Jill: Right, because Im not demanding that life appear a certain way. Everything is seeing to be
just as it is.
Scott: Thats the true enjoyment that we overlook in each moment when we make demands
on life. One definition of suffering is demanding this moment to be different than the way it is.
When that demand is missing, life just is as it is. And thats perfect, including the pain.
Jill: Yes!

Conversation #2
Scott: What do you want?
Frank: Enjoyment of life.
Scott: What happens when you dont get what you want, when you dont enjoy life?

Frank: Thats fine! I see that presence is always here and enjoyment comes and goes in
presence. Everything comes and goes. The demand that this moment should be more than
what it is has left me.
Scott: Then theres nothing else to inquiry about.
Frank: Right! <Smiling>
Scott: Continue in the flow of life as it is.
Frank: I dont have a choice. Life always is as it is.
Scott: <smiling>

CHAPTER TWO
A Closer Look
Authentic wanting versus Egoic wanting
I want to be clear about what I mean when I use the word wanting and when I say that
suffering comes from wanting.
Wanting is a natural part of life. It happens all day, everyday. We want to eat, take a shower,
watch our favorite TV show spend time with our children, make money, get a new job, find a
romantic partner drink a glass of wine, take a walk, etc.
To say that we should be totally free of everyday wanting would not make sense. How would
we function? How would I nourish my body with lunch if I did not want to eat? How would I
procreate if I did not want to have sex?
The wanting I am referring to in this book is the wanting that comes with a corresponding
attachment to outcomes, an attachment to things turning out a certain way. For example, if I
say, I want my partner to spend more time with me, thats a valid kind of wanting. I can
request this of my partner. Its a reasonable request. After all, we are in a relationship
together. But if I carry my wanting with an additional belief that my partner must actually do
what I want him or her to do, then I have added something onto that everyday, natural
wanting. I have added the subtle element of control.
An easy way to view this difference between wanting that causes no suffering and wanting
that results in suffering is by distinguishing between authentic wanting versus egoic wanting. If
I say to a friend, I really want you to help me paint my house this weekend, while being
perfectly ok if he says no, I have stated an authentic want. This is healthy! I have made a
reasonable request. Friends often help friends! That is everyday, authentic wanting. But if I
say, I really want you to help me paint my house this weekend, and I carry a corresponding
belief that he must or should actually help me, then I am disregarding his wants. I am setting
myself up for suffering. Im trying to take the element of choice away from my friend. That is
egoic wanting, the attempt to control outcome or control others.
An authentic want is one that is not coming from the source of self-will or ego. Its a want that
does not carry the corresponding belief that that a certain outcome must happen. It is devoid
of control and self-will, which means that the outcome, whatever it is, even if it is contrary to
the want itself, is seen to be perfect as it is.
Reality is whatever happens. If my friend says, No, I cannot help you this weekend, or No, I
do not want to help you this weekend, thats reality. Reality contains all viewpoints. This is
why resting in presence allowing all viewpoints to be as they are, aligns us with reality. Reality
includes the wants and needs of everyone. This is why doing what is best for the benefit of
everyone involved in a situation feels so right to us. Try it!
When I really believe that others should actually do or say what I want them to do or say, I
suffer.

In seeing that we suffer because of this kind of ego-based wanting that is not in alignment with
reality freedom from suffering becomes available. And freedom from suffering is realized
when we take a moment and rest in presence, allowing everything to be as it is, including the
really uncomfortable feelings that arise when we dont get what we want. Intellectualizing this
stuff want do it. They key is seeing why we suffer- because of egoic wanting- and then
experientially resting in presence, allowing everything to be as it is.

Avoiding Nihilism
For the purposes of this book, I make a distinction between egoic wanting and authentic
wanting in order to avoid nihilism, which is the notion that we must remain in a numbed out,
apathetic, neutral state, where life has no meaning and no one ever states an opinion or
expresses or follows a desire. Thats not freedom. Thats an extreme, tuned-out state. When
people interpret the message of this book in a nihilist way, they are missing the message
completely.
The message of this book is that you can live life fully, taking all kind of actions and expressing
and following a myriad of wants, while experiencing perfect freedom regardless of whether
those wants are fulfilled. Does this sound too good to be true? It isnt! Its accessible. The
deepest fulfillment in life is contained within presence itself, not within the circumstances and
outcomes that come and go within presence. In presence, life is a free flowing experience
where there is no attachment to outcomes. This is why I called the book, Doorway to Total
Liberation. The great spiritual teacher J. Krishnamurti once expressed it this way: I dont
mind what happens!

The first two questions: knowing why you suffer

The first two questions of this approach help you to see and know why you suffer.
Ask yourself: What do I want? and What happens when I dont get what I want?
When you are attached to the outcome of your wanting, the answer to the second question I,
I suffer. When you are not experiencing unconditional freedom in your life, you are suffering.
Suffering means resisting what is happening. You are trying to control outcomes. Knowing why
you suffer is important that you have a mental context for resting in presence and letting
everything be as it is. In knowing why you suffer, you can see the way out of suffering. Until
then, you continue the walking in the dark, not knowing why you continue bumping into
resistance. When youre in the dark, you believe that you suffer because you dont get what
you want. The real reason you suffer is because you are carrying around egoic wanting, which
comes from a sense of lack.

What does it mean to rest in presence?

I came to see that it is best to analyze resting in presence too much. It is not something I
understand. It is more like something I experience and come to know as always available.
Let me take you through a short guide to resting in presence:

Start by taking a moment without your story, without any thoughts or labels being
emphasized. Just be present, in an alert and awake manner, but without thinking. Do this
often, throughout the day. After a while, it becomes automatic, revealing the unbroken
experience of presence as a natural flow.
Resting does not mean physically siting down to meditate. To rest in presence means to stop
the current story you are telling just long enough to observe that the story is coming and going
in presence. Presence is that aspect of your experience that is observing everything including
thoughts and emotions. This observing releases the sense of self behind the thought stream.
Egoic wanting happens through believing each thought that tells you that life must happen the
way you want it to happen and people should behave the way you believe they should behave:
I want my friend to help me paint the house. I want a shot of whiskey. I want my wife to
stop nagging me. I must have success!
But the point is not to stop thinking forever. We need to think in order to live in this world. The
point of resting without thinking is to get a sense of how everything comes and goes to that
basic presence. Once the force of ego or self releases itself from the thought stream, even
thinking is seen as part of the seamless flow of experience. Thinking is then used for practical
purposes, rather than for dreaming up stories of lack and making egoic demands on life.

Everything, Literally
What does it means to let everything be as it is?
What is the word everything referring to?
I mean it in the literal sense. Everything!
Things are coming and going inside the body including thoughts, emotions and sensations. And
things are coming and going outside the body like objects, people and experiences.
Thoughts come and go. Emotions come and go. Sensations come and go. Sounds come and go.
Wants come and go. Objects come and go. People come and go. Experiences come and go.
Days, nights, flowers, cars, birthdays, vacations, jobs, illness, and deaths come and go. The
presence that is aware of that come and going of everything does not come and go. It is always
here, at rest, and totally free of all the wanting that arises from emphasizing thoughts. Letting
everything be as it is means letting every phenomenon, whether it is inside or outside the
body, be as it is, while remaining alert and awake as the presence in which these things are
coming and going.
We suffer when we suppress or fixate on one of these things. Suppression and fixation fuel
egoic wanting. We interrupt the natural of flow of everything coming and going when we are
engaged in suppression or fixation.
Suppression is the act of distracting yourself from what is happening. For example, instead of
experiencing a negative feeling by really letting it be in the body, without labeling it, you reach
for a piece of pie that releases pleasurable chemicals in the body, which in turn temporarily
covers up the bad feeling. Or you rely on metal viewpoints that rationalize feelings, rather than
direct experiencing feelings without your viewpoints.

Fixation is when you cling to one of the temporary things coming and going in presence. It is
usually a thought. For example, instead of letting the memory of yesterdays argument with
the boss at work come and go in presence, you cling to it. You replay and retell the story,
keeping it alive. This creates more wanting for things to be better and different. The more you
tell painful stories about life, and avoid actually feeling the emotions in your body, the more it
seems like something is wrong or something is missing in your life and the more you want
something else or something more to fill that void or free the fixation.
This cycle of suppression and fixation lead us to constantly seek the future and to control
outcomes. We unconsciously believe that if circumstances just go the way we want them to
go, we want have to feel bad or incomplete again. But this doesnt actually work in any
meaningful or long term sense! And when it doesnt work, we turn to the only thing we really
now more egoic wanting.
Letting everything be as it is means letting every thought, feeling, sensation, person,
circumstance, and experience come and go without trying to analyze, control, change,
neutralize, or get rid of it.
Lets get back to the approach in this book. The best way to get a feel for how this approach
works is to watch it in action and then try it out for yourself.

CHAPTER THREE
I love you and thats you are free to leave
If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, its yours. If it doesnt, it never was.
Richard Bach
To that, I would add, Whether it comes back or not, it is never really yours.

Freebird
Jamie gets very possessive with her boyfriends. Actually, she has the trouble getting a
boyfriend. Whenever she gets close to a man, she clings to him very tightly. The guy often
feels smothered, unable to breathe in the grip of her possessiveness. Inevitably, he runs away.
She suffers and then seeks to relieve her suffering by wanting to cling to next guy.
Scott: What do you want?
Jamie: Love!
Scott: What happens when you dont get love?
Jamie: I feel alone, rejected, unlovable.
Scott: Now you know why you suffer.
Jamie: Yes, I suffer because I cant find the right guy. They are all just afraid of commitment.
Scott: Possibly. But lets look at it another way. Take a moment and rest in presence, letting
everything be as it is.
Jamie: I can see that, in that moment, do you?
Scott: You dont lack love in that moment, do you?
Jamie: No, I dont lack anything. I feel complete.
Scott: what is happening in those moments when you feel incomplete?
Jamie: Im turning away from resting in presence, letting everything be as it is, and Im
following the thought, I want love.
Scott: Right, and wanting love isnt a bad thing. We all want love. The suffering arises when
you pretend that your well-being depends on finding from a man. When you rest in presence,
and you experience wholeness, isnt that wholeness what you are really seeking? Isnt THAT
love?
Jamie: Yes, I see that presence in wholeness already. What about relationship? Does this mean
that I should stop looking for a man?
Scott: Of course you dont have to stop. Relationship makes the word go round. Wanting
relationship is healthy, when it is authentic wanting, instead of egoic wanting. When you are
resting in presence, you see that you do not possess anyone. The man that you love is not
yours. He is one of the things coming and going. When you believe he MUST stay, you are not
allowing the natural flow of coming and going to be as it is. Thats an egoic wanting. Egoic
wants set us up to suffer.
Jamie: thats hard to wrap my mind around.

Scott: Im not asking you to understand that logically or intellectually. In fact, its better just to
rest, as often as possible, in presence, letting all thoughts, emotions, and everything else to be
as they are. The direct experience of that freedom is all you need. That changes everything.
Jamie: that changes everything? so that means I will find a partner if I just rest in presence?
<giggling>
Scott: You may or you may not, either way you will see that you are free. You are the in which
the thoughts I need a boyfriend come and go equally.
Jamie: But if everything is allowed to be as it is, I might lose the motivation to even look for a
boyfriend.
Scott: yes, or you might not lose that motivation. You dont know what will happen, do you?
Jamie: No, I dont.
Scott: many people believe that if they live in presence they will not get what they want out of
life. But this is a false myth. In living without egoic wanting, whatever arrives is perfect as it is.
Jamie: Because the expectation that it should be otherwise is not operating
Scott: Well, even if that expectation arises as a thought, its allowed to come and go freely.
You see no need to follow it or emphasize it in presence. The thought this should be
otherwise it totally allowed to be as it is.
Jamie: And I might just find that, when I stop operating on this thought that I must possess a
guy, that I really need him in order to feel whole, I might not push him away so much.
Scott: Bingo! Youre right. He might be more inclined to stick aroundor he might still go away.
To love someone is to see that he is free to stay or to leave at any time. Thats unconditional
love. Now go find a man, if that is what you want.

Do the Damn Dishes

Scott: What do you want?
Jessica: I just want my husband to do the damn dishes. Every night he eats something before
bed and leaves the dishes dirty in the sink. Ive asked him time and again to do the dishes but
he either forgets or just refuses.
Scott: What happens if he eats something tonight and doesnt do the dishes in the morning?
Jessica: Ill wake up frustrated. And for at least on hour or so, Ill walk around the house telling
myself how awful it is to leave with such a lazy slob.
Scott: at least you know why you are suffering now.
Jessica: Yes, I can feel it in my stomach now, this tightening up. Im so frustrated. Dont get me
started on the other things he wont do around the house, like fix things that need to be fixed.
Scott: Take a moment and rest in presence. Does presence need people to do the dishes and
fix things?
Jessica: <long pause> Im confused. Not sure what you are asking.
Scott: Dont try to answer with your mind. Just rest, without thought, for one moment, in an
alert and awake way. Just be here, without the stories of your husband, for a few seconds.

Jessica: <taking a moment> Ah, I see that at the base of my experience, there is only presence,
without a story. And that presence has no desire for people to do the dishes or not do the
dishes.
Scott: Right, so your suffering comes from not resting in presence and letting the thoughts and
emotions be as they are.
Jessica: That still doesnt fix the problem of having a husband that doesnt clean up after
himself.
Scott: You can still ask your husband to do the dishes.
Jessica: Not if Im letting everything be as it is.
Scott: This is a misconception. Resting in presence doesnt mean you become a doormat or
someone that is completely unable to speak her mind. The suffering never comes from
speaking your mind or asking your husband to do the dishes. It comes from the corresponding
belief that he should actually listen to you and do as you say.
Jessica: <laughing> I see it. Yes. Thats the suffering. So I can still ask him to do the dishes.
Scott: Every morning, if you want.
Jessica: And when he doesnt do the dishes, THAT will be perfect, just as it is.
Scott: Exactly. No suffering. Just dirty dishes, a request for him to do the dishes, and a refusal
on his part to actually do them. All perfect, just as it is.
Jessica: And what if I start to feel that suffering, that negative feeling in the body that seems to
go with the story of his being an awful husband?
Scott: Let those thing be as they are. Rest in presence. Those thoughts and feelings are part of
the everything that is coming and going.
Jessica: This is too simple!
Scott: Yes, the wanting and the believing that everyone should agree with your wants is the
suffering. The suffering complicates everything.
Jessica: And, if he doesnt do the dishes, then I can just do them.
Scott: Yes or not.
Jessica: But if I dont do them, no one will. They wont get done.
Scott: you dont know that they wont get done. Its just fear. Its your mind worrying again. Its
okay. So you want to make sure the dishes get done somehow?
Jessica: Yes!
Scott: Sounds like a painful want. What happens if they dont get done?
Jessica: I suffer.
Scott: At least you know why you suffer know. Next time you see dirty dishes, take a moment,
rest in presence, let the thoughts, The dishes might get done and The dishes might not get
done come and go freely in presence. The next right step in your life will just show up
naturally. It might be a step towards doing the dishes or it might be a step towards sitting on
the couch with your husband, eating a nice, messy breakfast that makes more dirty dishes.
Either way, youre free!

Allow me to drag. I dont nag

Scott: What do you want?
Augustus: I want my wife to stop nagging. She is always pestering me to do something around
the house, clean the basement etc. When I get home from work, sometimes I just want to sit
and relax, maybe play on the computer for a while.
Scott: what happens when you dont get what you want, when she continues nagging, even
though you want her to stop?
Augustus: I isolate myself. I feel distant from her. These days, Ive gotten to the point where I
dont even want to see her when I come home. The sound of her voice when she starts
nagging really gets under my skin.
Scott: Yes, suffering.
Augustus: well, Im okay really. She seems to be suffering more. She seems mad a lot. Im a
much more relaxed person than she is. She is so uptight clearly suffering a lot. I dont nag.
Scott: Isnt the thought,I want her to stop nagging isnt THAT nagging?
Augustus: Hmmm, it is I guess.
Scott: Its a great insight to see that relaxed people nag too. They just suppress it or call it
something else. Take a moment and rest in presence, letting everything be as it is. In
recognizing presence in this way, does it feel like your wife should stop nagging?
Augustus: Not so much, no!
Scott: So now you can see why you are suffering. You believe that when you have the thought,
I want her to stop nagging that she should ACTUALLY stop nagging. That isnt reality, is it?
Augustus: No. Im having a lot of compassion for my wife right now too for myself and my
wife. We are both doing the best we can with the conditioning that we happen to have.
Scott: So you can allow yourself to have the thought, She shouldnt nag. And you can allow
her to have the thought, He should clean the basement.
Augustus: Ha ha, yes!! Makes me want to help her around the house more.