1Outcome 3

2
3For the 1.6, we needed to establish a commonality between the authors in order to
4correctly support our argument with quotes. For the 1.6, I tried to argue that I was in
5conflict with myself because of my father’s mixed teaching of femininity. My thesis was,
6“Pieces from Rodriguez, Theroux, and Felton’s essays help illustrate why I cannot set a
7personal goal because I was raised with conflicting values…” (1.6 F 2). My professor
8commented that “The shaping is something that you do not something that you do not
9do” (Henderson 2). Once again, my thesis was off prompt. I intended to prove my thesis
10using essays from Rodriguez, Theroux, and Felton. I quoted Rodriguez saying, “What
11immigrants know…Become your own man (Rodriguez 344)” (1.6 F 2). I then continued
12with my personal experience saying, “My father was keen on keeping me in touch with
13my Chinese culture...” (1.6 F 2). I was trying to show that Rodriguez was conflicted
14similarly to me but the quote I used from Rodriguez did not have any connection to prove
15my shaping at all. In fact, Rodriguez’s entire essay was irrelevant. Throughout the entire
16essay, I continued to have weak and not enough support from all three texts. When
17writing about Theroux I said, “ Theroux writes in his essay, ‘Being a Man,’ ‘The youth
18who is subverted, as most are, into believing in the masculine ideal is effectively
19separated from woman …finding woman a riddle and a nuisance’ (Theroux 133).” (1.6 F
203). My personal experience was, “When I was younger, I wasn’t allowed to play with
21Barbie dolls…” (1.6 F 3). What I was trying to prove was how I was raised like a boy
22because as stated in Theroux’s quote, I was pushed away from feminine activities.
23However, like the previous example, my evidence was not supportive and off prompt. In
24revising my 1.6, I changed my thesis and support pieces. My thesis states, “All three
25essays by Jacoby, Felton, and Theroux show how the authors, and myself, hid
26characteristics that felt natural to them in order to avoid the judgment of others.” (1.6 PV
271). When I use Jacoby’s essay, I am proving that although her shaping is different, her
28action is the same as mine:
29 ‘in adolescence girls begin to fear that they will be unattractive to boys if
30 they are typed as ‘brains.’ Science and math epitomize unfeminine
31 braininess in a way that, say, foreign languages do not. High-school girls
32 who pursue an advanced interest in science and math …usually find that
33 they are greatly outnumbered by the boys in their classes. They are,
34 therefore, intruding on male turf at a time when their sexual confidence, as
35 well as that of the boys, is most fragile. (Jacoby 304) Girls are afraid of
36 the judgments that come with challenging a common belief. They don’t
37 want to lose their chance at becoming popular or seem strange to people
38 who do not understand their love for math. Jacoby also says, “In my
39 experience, self-sabotage of mathematical and scientific ability is often a
40 conscious process. I remember deliberately pretending to be puzzled by
41 geometry problems in my sophomore year in high school” (Jacoby 305).
42 Jacoby admits that she was being dumb on purpose because it seemed like
43 the only solution to mask her skills in mathematics. She was hiding her
44 true character by pretending to be a typical girl who did not understand
45 math. She was afraid to show her true self because she did not want to be
46 judged. (1.6 PV 3).
47I am able to appropriate choose a quote from Jacoby that illustrates my thesis which is the
48fact that Jacoby is also hiding her emotions. I also use examples from Felton in my 1.6:
49 ‘To my students I am the helpful Mr. Felton. To my chairman I’m the
50 responsible Mr. Felton. To virtually everybody and everything else I’m the
51 confused, conflicted Mr. F” (Felton 117). Felton changes his personality to
52 suit the situation. Similarly, I change my personality to suit who I’m
53 talking to. If speaking with my cousin, I am at ease, knowing she
54 understands my actions and also the reasons behind them. But when I’m
55 talking to a friend, I keep certain aspects behind me because I don’t want
56 them to misunderstand my intentions behind everything I do. (1.6 PV 5).
57This quote like the quote from Jacoby also supports my thesis because it is showing how
58Felton changes his character. In my commentary, I address how my action and Felton’s is
59similar. The quotes I chose for my revision draft were much more persuasive in an
60academic context.