Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all

relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and

ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are
"in love," but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments,
conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with
increasing frequency. It seems that most "love relationships" become love/hate
relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of
hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. This is
considered normal. The relationship then oscillates for a while, a few months or a
few years, between the polarities of "love" and hate, and it gives you as much
pleasure as it gives you pain. It is not uncommon for couples to become addicted to
those cycles. Their drama makes them feel alive. When a balance between the
positive/negative polarities is lost and the negative, destructive cycles occur with
increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to happen sooner or later, then it
will not be long before the relationship finally collapses.
It may appear that if you could only eliminate the negative or destructive cycles,
then all would be well and the relationship would flower beautifully but alas, this
is not possible. The polarities are mutually interdependent. You cannot have one
without the other. The positive already contains within itself the as yet
unmanifested negative. Both are in fact different aspects of the same dysfunction.
-- I am speaking here of what is commonly called romantic relationships, not of true
love, which has no opposite because it arises from beyond the mind. Love as a
continuous state is as yet very rare, as rare as conscious human beings. -Brief and elusive glimpses of love, however, are possible whenever there is a gap in
the stream of mind.
The negative side of a relationship is, of course, more easily recognizable as
dysfunctional than the positive one. And it is also easier to recognize the source of
negativity in your partner than to see it in yourself. It can manifest in many forms:
possessiveness, jealousy, control, withdrawal and unspoken resentment, the need
to be right, insensitivity and self-absorption, emotional demands and manipulation,
the urge to argue, criticize, judge, blame, or attack, anger, unconscious revenge for
past pain inflicted by a parent, rage and physical violence.
Some people just want you for your silence . . because of the noise in them, but to
enjoy and feel that silence, to experience it, they need to be silence themselves . .
same with love! the rest is relating and the space that breathe inside yourself for
your partner, allowing the love to be, to emmanate iTs fragrance.
"Real love is only what you give," writes Kate Kerrigan in her brilliant novel, Recipes
for a Perfect Marriage. In our me-centered culture that promotes the highly
dysfunctional myth that love is a feeling your partner ignites in you (he makes me
feel alive; she makes me feel whole), it's easy to fall into the thinking trap that if

you're not feeling enough enough love, enough attraction, enough desire there
must be something wrong with the relationship.

Yet the paradox and well-kept secret is that it's in giving that you ignite the feelings.
Your partner can't make you feel alive; aliveness is a quality that you cultivate by
learning to attend closely to your inner world. Your partner can't make you feel
whole; wholeness arises when you devote yourself to a daily practice, like yoga,
meditation, or journaling, which helps you to connect to your intrinsic wholeness.

When you give to your partner from the seat of your own alive wholeness, a
beautiful relationship unfolds between you. In other words, giving to get love or
validation or as a way to fill yourself up doesn't work, but when you can give from
the filled-up place inside of you without condition or expectation, your relationship
will transform.

How do you give in ways that makes your partner feel truly and deeply loved?

1. Learn your partner's love language

Giving to your partner means giving in a way that he or she can best receive. An
immature or self-centered way of giving seeks to give to another in a way that
would like to receive. If you feel most loved by physical touch, you're likely to
express your love through a lot of affection. But what if physical touch isn't how
your partner feels most loved?

This is where learning the Five Love Languages can be extremely beneficial in a
relationship. You can take the test here, but most people already know just from
reading the list of love languages which are theirs and which are their partner's. The
five Love Languages are:

Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service

Quality time
Gifts
2. Listen without offering solutions

Most people just want to be heard. They don't need solutions, advice, or feedback
(unless specifically asked) and when unsolicited feedback is offered, it's usually
experienced as invasion. So when your partner is sharing with you anything from
her angry feelings about her best friend to an incident he's perplexed by at work
listen with your heart and reflect back that you're truly listening with affirming
comments.

3. Initiate loving reunions

Reunions, simply defined, are times when you come back together after being away
from each other. We generally think of reunions as occurring after long absences,
like when one of you has traveled, but we also reunite first thing in the morning
after sleep and at the end of the day following work. We even reunite when weve
been in our separate spaces within the same house for several hours and then
come back together again.

When you initiate a loving reunion whether by greeting your partner with a warm
smile and a hug first thing in the morning or making it a point to meet her at the
door when she returns home from work at the end of the day you send a clear
message to your partner that youre available and you grow the love between you
through positive action. And initiating a loving reunion through your partner's love
language will enhance the love even more.

4. Let go of the need to be right

Ask yourself this question: Is it more important to be right or to be loving? Many

arguments are rooted in each partner's bull-headed need to be right, even about
the most trivial topics. You're driving to a restaurant and your partner turns right
when you thought the faster route would have been to turn left. Do you say

something? Is it really that important? Or do you breathe into your need to be right
and choose to let it go?

"Don't sweat the small stuff" means being willing to let go of the need to be right
about the small stuff. You have a difference of opinion; let it go. You remember an
event differently; let it go. As soon as you feel that tightness inside that indicates
the need to be right or control, make a conscious choice to zip the lip and let it go.
Your partner will feel the difference and your active silence will cultivate a loving
garden in which your relationship can blossom.