Escolar Documentos
Profissional Documentos
Cultura Documentos
THE CONTENTS
Shown in sections
There are eight stepping stones
Watch each and learn before moving on.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
INTRODUCTION
On a good day, enjoy yourself; on a bad day, examine your conscience.
God does both so we don't take anything for granted. (Eccl 7:14)
When I first saw this Scripture it gave me pause for thought, as it should
every one. How often we take Gods grace and mercy for granted and fail to
examine our actions, and ask, Does my behavior glorify God? Jesus said,
In this world you will have troubles but I bring you my peace so we need
be anxious for nothing. These verses seem to contradict one another, but
do they and what does this have to do with parenting?
This verse in Ecclesiastes is a reminder that our children respond to us
their parents and role model according to the behavioral examples we set,
and they reflect the emotions we express. Being calm, cool, and collected in
difficult situations and responding in love teaches our children to be calm,
cool, collected in trying situations, responding in love.
Jesus wanted us to know that problems exist even when we do well. Yet, if
we keep our focus on him, we can still have peace of mind and heart.
____________________________________________________________
1
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Often when things go wrong, parents seem to get upset with the child more
easily. Instead, rather than be upset over a childs exuberant behavior
alter your attention and get into Gods Word with praise and prayer. This is
one way to redirect your attention; it works. And with God all things, even
the impossible child can become an obedient child.
To help you understand better how to achieve this goal, this text explores
child rearing practices in a step by step process. First is child development
discussed in its stages, then communication (Luke 2:42-52 explores Jesus
childhood where Mary and Joseph ran into a situation they had to confront).
The exuberant behavior of a child can lead to trouble if not managed well
and the way in which they responded led to increased understanding and
improved behavior rather than conflict. Thus, this story provides a strong
example of helpful communication.
When communication does not work and conflict and power struggles ensue,
knowing how to manage these difficult situations is important and that
requires discipline and natural consequences. These excellent skills help
parents to manage misbehavior that always seems to crop up. In the final
chapter we explore a childs sleep problems, and helping you and your child
to have peaceful restful nights.
I recommend keeping a notebook handy as you read the material in this
book, and make notes about problems you have encountered with your
children. Also, think about how you might use the strategies suggested in
your own parenting. Read Scripture for better understanding and let Gods
Word speak to you, but more important, practice what he teaches.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
DEVELOPMENTAL GUIDE
We teach our children in thought, word and deed and, as parents we are
accountable to God for what we teach and how we teach our children. We
can be a mature responsible person or immature and irresponsible.
Like Jesus, we must be godly models so our children believe in him (John
1.8). Teach your children about Jesus and then be more like Him. Be
perfect, as your Father in Heaven is. (Matthew 5.48) God loves and
forgives and has been there for us in our rebellion and repentance and final
submission to his will. So, we can be there for our children, loving them no
matter what and forgiving them when they repent and finally submit to our
righteous will.
Luke 1:6 says that Zachariah and Elizabeth were righteous; they did not
merely go through the motions in obeying God; they backed up lip service
____________________________________________________________
3
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
with inward obedience. Unlike the religious leaders whom Jesus called
hypocrites, Zechariah and Elizabeth did not just talk it, they walked the
talk, and that is why they are called "righteous in God's eyes."
We do the same so children can understand righteousness over time as they
see us sacrifice our pride by obeying God then, in asking for and receiving
forgiveness for sin, we repent or change our ways submitting to his will.
AGE-RELATED ACTIVITIES
Now lets explore activities you can do with your children and what children
can expect from you; this means you must spend time with your child and
get to know them, building a close relationship. Be there for your children
when they seek you out, looking for attention.
Being present when a child seeks you out builds trust, as when we seek God.
Those who know your name put their trust in you; for you, Oh Lord, have
not forsaken those who seek you" (Psalm 9:10). Be there for your children
just as God is there when you call upon him (Jeremiah 29:11).
MATURITY LEVEL
Children must be mature enough to do the tasks you give them. If you give
them tasks that are above their ability level, they may feel incompetent and
may not be willing to take more risks. If you give tasks that are too easy
they may get bored or think that you have no trust in them. Children who
succeed feel competent and are willing to take greater risks. Those who do
not feel good about their self may take risks that are illegal, immoral, or
life threatening, such as drugs, promiscuous sex, suicide, and others.
What children learn at every stage of growth has an impact on all future
behaviors and how well they succeed in the world. If parents train a child
in the way they should go [while still young] they will not depart from it
[even when old] (Proverbs 22:6).
First are ages 1 2 beginning on the next page.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
GE
12
The first year of a child's life generally they depend on their parents
for everything. Then, at age two, suddenly they want to be this very
independent person and discover the world. At age two, this is the time to
let them say "no" and go on adventures. Watch that they dont go too far.
Allowing these experiences helps them become strong, secure adults. In
other words, allow your child the freedom to explore their world but within
safe boundaries!
Letting them say no teaches the child that its okay to say no while
firmly insisting on limits. For example, Climbing on the cabinets is not okay,
but you can climb on the sofa (or another safe play area).
Jesus clearly had the freedom to roam, although he was a lot older than a
two-year-old. Still he took too much liberty and had to be reminded of his
parents authority. In Part 3 we will explore the skills Mary employed to
communicate effectively with Jesus (see Luke 2:51).
Two-year-olds really are easiest although, their stubborn
behavior seems impossible at times. Yet all they need is
the freedom to take risks but not life threatening risks!
Instead of saying "No" take time to show them what
is safe or acceptable for them. Keep an eye on them
as they explore virtually everything within reach and
a few things beyond their reach.
The greatest learning that takes place at this age is simple walking or
learning to stand on their-own two feet. Now this sounds like a cute saying
but we are taking it quite literal. Children must do certain tasks in order to
develop the muscles and coordination necessary for other activities later.
However, if you rush over, pick them up and make a huge fuss every time
they fall down, they learn dependence not independence and their thinking
muscles do not develop properly.
Learning to do difficult things develops courage and problem solving skills.
When you allow the child to figure out simple tasks like crawling and walking
when they are little, that encourages children to think things through or
problem solve difficulties as they learn. Thus, the child is more willing to
take risks and to develop increasing maturity.
____________________________________________________________
5
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
NOTES:
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
RE-SCHOOL:
AGE 3 - 4
Nagging and criticism will drive a child away from you and
eventually home faster than anything. As they get bigger and
older they also get better at learning and making choices. So, once again,
teach children the right way to live and they will not depart from it.
While it may seem nonessential this is a good time to give a small allowance
so as to encourage financial discipline. Establish a reasonable amount and
suggestions for saving and spending: It should last you a week. You can use
it for comics and gum. You can also save it to buy bigger things.
Consistency in follow through with what you say and do also sets a pattern
they can follow for spending and saving. When they spend unwisely and the
allowance does not last then, saying no, teaches them to say no to their
own impulses, and their friends/peer group later on. If they spend their
allowance before the week is up and you help them out with more money,
they learn nothing other than how to use you. Do not lecture about their
spending; let them learn from experience. Long explanations are wasted;
they are not ready for it; keep it simple!
Children learn to think for themselves by making choices and making
mistakes when you allow them the learning experience. God gave freewill,
the freedom to choose at will, whatever and whomever - wisely or not - and
we should have the good sense to do the same for our children. Although,
you do not let a child run out in front of a car just to teach them the
danger of playing in the street.
Children also need to be taught or instructed in what is biblically correct.
Proverbs is a book of instruction for gaining knowledge and wisdom.
See Appendix A for Proverbs for a Godly Relationship with Parents and
Appendix B for Proverbs for Parents.
____________________________________________________________
7
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
cars by letting them run into the street. And you dont teach children the
danger of alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs by letting them try them!
Children need you to teach them about alcohol, cigarettes, illegal drugs and
it is best if they do not learn by seeing you using them. They also need to
know about medicines and the harm they can do - if they are not used right.
Food is also a good topic. So talk about food groups and good food choices.
Of course, if you eat healthy meals and have regular meals where everyone
is generally present, then you already are on the right track.
Teach children moderation in exercise and control of the appetites both by
discussion and by what you eat and how much you eat. Discuss exercise and
sports, their interests and how those activities can help them stay in shape
and form good lifetime habits.
If you do not have household or family discussions, sit down together and
talk over family rules and decisions, and then, follow the rules yourself.
Typical household or family rules generally focus on schoolwork/homework,
bedtime activities, age-related chores, drug use, school and play friends,
television and radio time, and most important, penalties for misbehavior.
These will be covered in greater depth in a later section.
If you are a parent who teaches children to live correctly but you yourself
do not follow the same guidelines, then your children are learning hypocrisy
and not good healthy living. Parents who are hypocrites create conflict in
their children. On the one hand they want to obey you but when they see
you doing the very thing they were told not to do, it creates inner conflict
and eventual disrespect and rebellion.
My children learned good and bad behaviors from me and it was evident in
both their lives. My own drug use and its devastating effects taught them
to avoid drugs because I talked about the consequences they could see in
my life. Thus, it was a good reason to not use and avoid these consequences.
But because I did not take marijuana or alcohol use serious, I never warned
them about it so they did not learn about the dangers and both of my sons
had problems with alcohol and marijuana. So, teach your children from your
own example and reduce some of the conflict in their lives.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
CHOOL AGE 5-9
At this stage, children like life and they like school, usually. They
don't have a clue what the future means, as they are in between fact
and fantasy of life. They need rules, guidelines and information to make
well-informed choices about life. Discuss everything with them in the hereand-now, not the past or future. Focus on good health and being a healthy
role model, one they can be proud to call their parent.
This is the age when they need to know specifics - what is legal and illegal
and why. Generally, legal is because society believes the danger is within
acceptable limits. Illegal substances are considered dangerous perhaps,
because time has shown that they have caused considerable harm. Alcohol
is dangerous as its long term effects have serious consequences for ones
physical and mental health. Also, driving under the influence of alcohol can
result in death, yours and/or other persons. Drugs are dangerous no matter
what they are, and can be both addictive and deadly.
Nonetheless, there are drugs or medicines that are acceptable and foster
improved health and well-being. Discuss which foods and medicines are okay
and which they should try to avoid. Food with chemical preservatives and
coloring agents, other additives, or high sugar content, can be harmful.
Children need information to make well-informed choices. A co-worker once
told my sisterwho had apologized for lack of certain knowledgethat we
only know what we know. So, teach children to ask questions of everyone,
even authority figures; not all are legitimate; gather as much information as
needed to make a healthy choice. Without the information our children will
not be prepared for the real world.
What do they need to know about a person, movie, CD, or
anything else before deciding if its right for them?
Whats in the box? (the unknown) means different things
to different people.
The best person to teach a child about safety is you the parent. There is no
perfect age for parents should teach children personal safety. A childs
ability to comprehend and practice skills, as you know by now is affected by
age, education, and their development.
____________________________________________________________
9
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
As noted, listening is the number one skill a parent can learn that will help
protect their children. Know your childrens daily activities and habits.
Listen to what they like and what they dont like.
Let your children know they can talk to you about any situation. I was not a
great parent, but the one thing I did for my oldest son was let him know he
could talk to me and be heard. For the longest time he was his silent self,
then one day, he came and said, I need to talk and did, for forty minutes
while I sat and just listened without comment. To this day, my son feels
comfortable coming and talking to me about almost anything.
Reassure your children that their safety is your number one priority. Set
boundaries about places they may go, people they may see, and things they
may do. Reinforce their using the "buddy system" and let them know that
it's okay to say No. Tell your children to trust their instincts.
INVOLVEMENT
Get involved with your children and know where they are at all times. Your
children need to check in with you if they change in plans. Let them know
you are not trying to be a snoop, but that you are concerned for their
safety. There is no substitute for your attention.1 For more information on
this important topic, check out the website cited in the footnote.
Do they know home, school and social rules about drug and alcohol use, and
differences? Home rules and what you say versus what you actually do.
School rules: how do they differ from home rules? Social rules: how do they
differ from school and home rules? Just because the law allows certain
activities does not mean you find them acceptable.
Abortion is one example where the law makes murder legal or acceptable,
but for many, it is still murder and God commands us not to kill.
As children begin to take responsibility for their selves they also develop
self-reliance and their individuality or who they are as a person.
http://www.ncjrs.gov/html/ojjdp/psc_english_02/page3.html
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
EACHING Y OUR CHILDREN
____________________________________________________________
11
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
DOLESCENCE: 10 - 12
Children at this age have of energy and want to learn; they want
facts, especially strange ones and they want to know how "stuff"
works. Friends are very important to them as is peer approval. However,
friends influence their self-image, what they believe about themselves, to
some degree and they can be easily influenced by their peers. Thus, their
knowing how to make responsible choices is very important at this stage.
They ask a lot of questions now, so this is a good time to reinforce your
teaching about what to do when their friends offer them drugs or alcohol:
If someone offered you drugs what could you say?"
When you say no and they insist, what can you do?
Don't argue and don't discuss it, but give the best reason in the world:
"No. I don't want to."
Now, you can see the importance of teaching children to just say No when
they were even younger. Now they can offer options and encourage their
friends to make better choices.
"If you're going to mess around with that stuff, then I'm going home."
Reinforce with discussion the short and long-term effect of drugs, alcohol
and tobacco, and poor diet, etc.
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
EENAGERS: 13 18
Teens are young adults, and do well depending on what they learned
from you early on. Remember, if you trained them in righteous living,
they will not depart from it, though it seems to rebel for a time. Ultimately,
they will return to the ways of their youth. So, have faith in God and your
teens, and let go of them so they can learn what freewill is all about
Teens need to discover their personal identity; this independence terrifies
some parents. This is a time of conflict as teens try to separate from you
and their friends and discover who "they are" in relation to you.
They are making choices based on new information. What they learned at an
earlier age determines somewhat how well they make those decisions now,
and those decisions are based on new goals.
Teenagers are in conflict with all adults, but especially their parents at this
period in their life. Try not to take their attitude personal. They need
strong emotional support from you because they have a very dim view of
themselves right now. Practice good communication skills and listen to what
they have to say so they know you value their opinion. You don't have to
agree with them, but give them time by listening.
When they disagree this does not mean they are bad, stupid or losers.
Practice saying, "I don't agree with you, but you have the right to live your
own way as long as it's not immoral, illegal or life threatening.
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
but just gets worse. Again, discuss the consequences of long-term use and
reinforce avoiding drugs, sex, alcohol use, and tobacco, etc.
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Do not criticize their choice of friends. Instead encourage honesty about
their friends. Counteract peer influence with honest discussion of the
negative versus positive behaviors, and help them" to make godly choices.
Of course, it really helps if you are a Godly role model!
Discuss their strengths and weaknesses, not as criticisms or put-downs but
as self-care awareness. Good communication skills are vital now. Also, get to
know their friends and the parents and talk with them about these topics.
By knowing the parents of their friends you can more easily monitor your
child's where about, lovingly, so they know you care about them. However,
respect their privacy. You can know a lot without snooping.
WHAT AND WHO ARE THEY LEARNING FROM?
All children learn by example. We teach children more by our behavior than
the spoken word. Yet, our words show the condition of our hearts. If we are
constantly critical, condemning, and/or calling names, children copy us.
Instead, teach compliments not criticism and be graciously not greedy.
SUMMARY
We have explored age-related developmental needs and activities for
children based on their age group. By now you should have a general idea of
how to relate to your children as they move through the various stages.
Let me encourage parents to read the bible because as 2Timothy teaches,
All scripture is God-breathed, profitable for teaching, for reproof, for
correction, for instruction in righteous living. So the man [or woman] of God
may be complete, thoroughly prepared to do every good work. (3:16-17)
As such, the rest of the book shows how the Ten Commandments can be
applied to parenting as specific behaviors and the childhood story of Jesus
and his interaction with Mary in the temple demonstrate her excellent
parenting and communication skills.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
GODS GUIDELINES
Proverbs has a lot to say about raising children, so take a look at the
following verses and consider each one and what it means for you.
A child is known by his own doings, if his actions are pure and
whether they are right. Pro 20:11
Train a child in the way they should go; and when old, they will not
depart from it [though some do for a time]. Pro 22:6
The parent who fathers a wise child will have joy. Pro 23:24
____________________________________________________________
17
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Raising children is hard and requires patience, time, and considerable skills.
All of the skills can be learned just as you learn anything else, like study
skills, job skills, and social skills.
As a matter of fact, the skills you learn as a parent you teach your children
by example. So, learn good skills; they are as important as rules for life. To
play video or card games we need rules and a guidebook. Life is similar. We
need to know the rules to play the game of life. God gave us rules to live by
in the Ten Commandments.
While children are given life they are not always given these rules, and
many families have hidden or unspoken rules. This can be confusing and
frustrating for anyone. Can you imagine being hired for a new job and your
first day no one tells you what to do, or how the company works or what the
boss' expectations are; you're alone and on your own.
Similarly, children learn only what you teach them. Left on their own alone
chance are, they will have problems. Good kids come not by luck or good
genetics, but from being nurtured and having healthy rules and consistent
discipline with parental follow through.
If you Train a child in the way they should go [while young], then they will
not depart from it [even when very old] (Proverbs 22:6).
REALITY CHECK
We all sin and fall short of Gods glory and most parents start out with good
intentions but they makes mistakes as does everyone else. Life comes with
troubles, so when troubles surface, remember, the sooner you begin
correction, the sooner you correct the problem.
No one is born a good parent. Like a new job, we all have to learn what
needs to be done and how to do it. If our parents used good parenting skills,
we learned what and how to do it. But if not, we must make a choice and
learn how to become a good parent.
What kind of parent are you? What kind of parent would you like to be?
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
These three styles are fairly common and anyone can learn to become a
parent who is fair and flexible with calm and confident children.
NEW BEGINNINGS
When you initiate change, everything seems to go well the first day or two.
But the second day or even a week later, your children may begin to test
your resolve. People including children will do everything they can to return
to the norm. Even when normal is uncomfortable it may feel threatening to
change and try something new. So be patient and give yourself and your
children time to adjust. Be calm, confident, and consistent regardless.
The Ten Commandments are the basics offered in this section that you can
put to good use in your daily life.
PART I: TEN COMMANDMENTS
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
2. Do not take their name in vain. What do you call your children?
Do you tease them and have nicknames that they despise and that they
have asked you not to use? Instead of teasing or name calling, Use a name
they prefer, and rather than complain, ask for a behavior change.
3. Remember a special day for them, and not just their birthday!
Children need time with you on a daily basis. At least 10-15 minutes three
times a day and 1 -2 hours on weekends but an entire day would be better.
Let them know you are there for them, and do what you said you would.
4. Honor your father and mother means - show respect to your parents.
Model honor and respect in thought, word and deed. Listen to your parents
and child's opinion; even if you don't agree. Treat your children the way you
would want to be treated when you are aged and dependent on them.
5. Do not cheat on your children. Treat them fair and equal when possible.
Don't do for one what you wouldn't do for another. Equality helps a child
feel "a part of the family. When one child is treated better than another,
or left out of certain activities (trips to the store, birthday parties, etc.)
they may feel alienated, that they do not belong, or are unloved.
6. Do not lie to your children or for them.
When the phone rings and you do not want to talk to the person, do not ask
your child to lie for you. Be responsible for yourself. Your honesty teaches
your children honesty and responsibility.
7. Do not steal means not to take what is not yours.
Do you bring home pens, or paper from the office, or eat from the candy
bin at the store? Maybe you cheat on your taxes, thinking youre slick for
getting away with not paying what you consider unfair taxes. Think about
how your child might view your actions. Also, do you take your childs things,
money or possessions; that is stealing too.
Stealing is stealing and is like lying. You think no one will ever know, but God
always knows. The person your children may steal from just might be you.
Talk about honesty, and ask questions to get them to think about it.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
8. Do not bear false witness or lie includes not telling stories about your
children that they do not want told, or gossiping about other people.
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
If we truly believe that God has provided for our needs, why would a person
think they need something more?
"And God will supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ
Jesus." (Philippians 4:19) So, teach your children to have faith in God and
not things of the world; trust that God will fill their needs.
This ends the Ten Commandments. Next addressed are Communication skills
told through a childhood story of Jesus with Mary, and Joseph.
NOTES:
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
COMMUNICATION
A STORY OF JESUS CHILDHOOD
Every year Jesus' parents went to Jerusalem for Passover. And when Jesus
was twelve years old, they all went there as usual for the celebration. After
Passover his parents left, but they did not know that Jesus had stayed on
in the city. They thought he was traveling with some other people, and they
went a whole day before they started looking for him.
When they could not find him with their relatives and friends, they went
back to Jerusalem and started looking for him there. Three days later they
found Jesus sitting in the temple, listening to the teachers and asking them
questions. Everyone who heard him was surprised at how much he knew and
at the answers he gave. When his parents found him, they were amazed by,
perhaps his boldness that he was involved with the learned.
____________________________________________________________
23
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
However_
His mother said, "Son, why have you done this to us?
Your father and I worried; and we have been searching for you!"
Jesus answered, "Why did you have to look for me? Didn't you know
that I would be in my Father's house?"
But they did not understand what he meant. Thereafter, Jesus went
back to Nazareth with his parents and obeyed them.
However, his mother silently thought about all that had happened.
Jesus became wise, and he grew strong. God was pleased with him
and so were the people. (Luke 2:41-52)
The communication skills expressed in these verses are:
Mary gave Jesus respect by:
1. Mary asked him "why" and did not assume she knew his reasoning. She
did not. Had she known she would not have had to search for three days,
but would have gone immediately to the temple.
2. By verbalizing her feelings she acknowledged them and, in so doing,
taught him to do the same.
3. Mary listened without comment to Jesus explanation, although she likely
did not agree. He was a child (bar-mitzvah or coming of age is at
thirteen for a male), and even a male must be at least thirty years of
age before entering into a ministry.
4. Afterward, Mary kept quiet and thought about the situation but did not
anger or shame him with ongoing criticism.
Mary knew her role as a parent, as did Joseph though how he responded
was not addressed in the Scriptures.
PARENT AND CHILD ROLES
Parents are to "Raise your child in the way they should go and they will not
depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)
Children are to "Listen to your father's discipline and do not neglect your
mother's teachings." (Proverbs 1.8)
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
Thus, raising children is a parents responsibility. The mother is responsible
for teaching the child the Scripture for correct or righteous living, while
the fathers is to exact discipline when the child disobeys.
Mary likely was very frustrated and a little frightened as she searched for
three days! Mary knew her fear was in not knowing if Jesus was safe. While
our initial response may be fear and anxiety, God tells us to fear not. And
Mary was obedient. She did not allow fear to dictate her response when she
finally found him. Instead, Mary communicated with Jesus, by (1) asking
questions, (2) listening, then, (3) responding. Often, rather than this type
of Communication, parents set up Road Blocks to good communication.
____________________________________________________________
25
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
LISTEN:
Give the person your full attention. Look at them, not at the
television, computer screen, etc.
Turn off the Television, computer, and/or stereo and turn
your face to the child, sitting at eye level.
Don't interrupt. Give them time to say what is needed.
LOOK
Pay attention to their expression and how they sit or
stand. Sit or stand at eye level.
It takes time to learn these skills with practice, so
rather than frustration, be patient and kind.
In time you will communicate in a way that both of you will be proud of.
GIVE TIME NOT ADVICE:
If They Ask for Advice, don't! Instead, say:
"What else could you do?" or "What would you like to do?"
Instead of giving them suggestions or advice, give them time to
come up with their own solution to the problem.
Once they figure out their own solution, you can respond by saying:
You figured that out and it makes sense. Is there anything else?"
Most of us know the right thing to do, but we need someone who will listen.
This is not always true and if their solution is dangerous, illegal, or immoral,
you can ask questions that will pinpoint the problem, and point toward other
solutions that might work better.
That sounds illegal. Are you sure you are doing the right thing?
Encourage them to check out the situation to be sure that they are safe
and will not get into any legal problems. Of course, it its something that you
could be sued for, you may want to mention that fact and put a stop to it.
____________________________________________________________
27
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Next, we will address the ABCs of Anger because when we forget to listen,
we may find that we are frustrated and angry.
Anger often results when we want someone to do something they don't
want to do. The following suggests ways you can handle your anger and solve
problems. Thus, your children learns the lesson from the example you set.
NOTES:
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
ABCS OF MANAGING ANGER
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Tell YOURSELF:
"I'm frustrated, and am taking it out on my children. I will stop right now
or Im upset, so Im going for a walk (or lie down).
5. ENCOURAGE
Instead of saying what not to do, request a behavior change.
"Instead of turning on the television now, please do something else.
If the problem is your behavior, redirect yourself so you feel better
about your actions. (Take a walk, a hot shower, music, etc.) Encourage
yourself and your children by acknowledging positive behavior change.
6. FIND A SOLUTION
You may be able to problem solve and make it into a learning situation.
Make a list of behaviors both of you agree could be immoral, illegal or
life threatening. When finding solutions, both of you agree on changes
and write it down, then make a commitment to follow through.
SUMMARY
Good communication is listening and looking at the other person, then
clarify expectations and consequences, and consistently carry them out.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
CHALLENGING CHOICES
Choices teach a child that:
"I like who I am."
"I can think for myself."
"I am capable and competent."
"Every problem has a solution."
Choices also teach a child to think for themselves, by allowing them to
learn from experience. By learning from mistakes they learn to be more
capable and competent. Thus protecting them from sexual promiscuity,
drug use and suicide because they can think for themselves and they
know how and can solve their own problems
While you allow children choices, when things go wrong, they may still try
to blame the outcome on you. Adam and Eve are one example. When told
not to eat from the tree of knowledge they chose to eat anyway.
____________________________________________________________
31
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Eve gave into temptation then tempted Adam who also ate from the tree!
When God confronted Adam and Eve there was a lot of finger pointing.
Adam blamed God for his choice: The woman you gave me, she did it.
Therefore, "It's not my fault." Eve blamed it on the snake because she
did not want to assume the responsibility.
They were sent out of paradise because God knew they
were responsible and denial didn't help them one little bit;
they each paid the consequences for their disobedience.
RIGHT OR WRONG
The difference between right and wrong are the consequences we pay.
Adam & Eve were evicted from their home in paradise! Do your children
have consequences? What are they? Do you follow through?
CONSEQUENCES
Life may have gone more smoothly if Adam and Eve had repented and asked
Gods forgiveness.
While we likely will not throw our kids out for not taking out the garbage,
lets consider the consequences of disobedience for your children. First, ask
yourself if your consequences are reasonable.
The word reason-able means able to reason or make sense, so when you
give a consequence, make certain it is reasonable and not anger based. You
can be angry because your children disobeyed, but you must not make anger
the motivation for their consequence. The punishment must fit the crime
and not your level of rage.
What are reasonable consequences?
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
Adam and Eve were evicted from Eden because God knew that if they ate
from the tree of life while yet a sinner, they would live forever in paradise
as sinners. Thus, while tragic, their consequences made sense.
When consequences do not make sense anger is the result and resentment
can set you up for retaliation. When consequences are reasonable and teach
children a lesson, they are likely to make reasonable choices. While they
may get upset about it, they are likely to make better choices next time.
Rules and consequences are important, so what are yours?
None. You are a wishy-washy parent who never says no, or if you do, you
dont mean it. Your kids could get away with murder.
o Wishy-washy parents create insecure children who do not know
what they want or how to get it.
Too Many. Rigid and inflexible you are a Pharisee who does not follow
the rules yourself, so you are also a hypocrite.
o Rigid and inflexible parents create rebellion and children who are
angry and resentful.
"Do my children like themselves?" (If they are optimistic and happy,
____________________________________________________________
33
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
"Can they think for themselves?" (They make decisions that fail and yet,
they do not feel defeated by the experience, then they know how).
"Do they feel capable and competent?" (They do if they take on challenges
or responsibility; they do not worry about failing; they are able ask for help
to solve problems that crop up; and they are willing to consider advise).
"Do they know and believe there is a solution for every problem - and they
persist and trust that God will work things out?" (If they are persistent,
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
35
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
SOLVING DILEMMAS
Child should never be made to feel responsible for solving your problems,
but they may have a point of view that would help, one you may not have
considered. Also, problems are common to life, but if they create a problem
then there should be consequences.
Regardless the problem or household chore, responsibilities should increase
with age as should their decision making responsibilities.
Increase responsibility and decisions as they grow and share more work
with adults and older children in the home.
Its time for them to make a decision, so how do you know what is okay?
The next few pages will help you decide on the big issues then, examples
will be given of situations that are fairly common for parents.
1. Is it immoral? (Does it violate God's law)
l
l
Teach them the value of trust in God, themselves and other people.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
As a rule, we trust people when they obey the law, mean what they say
and follow through on what they say. Thus, we feel secure and our
children feel secure because you obey the law and mean what you say
by following through, so they know you are trustworthy.
3. Is it life threatening? (Drug use and drinking while driving can be)
Some lessons are learned with experience, but you do not let a 13 y/o
use drugs just to teach them about the dangers.
Children trust that you care for them when you teach them how to take
risks while avoiding life threatening behavior.
4. Is it their choice?
If it's not illegal or immoral, dangerous, then you can likely live with it
so let them! By allowing them a choice, you teach independence and
self-sufficiency as they learn from their mistakes.
Make choices and admit to mistakes yourself; be a role model; we all
make mistakes because no one is perfect except God.
Allowing children a choice means you do not convince them your way is right.
That is unfair and maybe coercive parental authority. Accept their choice,
even if it hurts. The choices you allow a child depend on their age.
When the child is a preschooler:
(1) Show them three outfits, then.
(2) Give them a choice: "Pick one outfit."
(3) Then let them wear what they choose.
Accept their choice, even if it hurts.
To wear a red top with blue bottoms is not immoral or illegal; it's a choice!
When the child is in grade school:
(1) Show them the play [if they are going out to play] or school clothes.
(2) Give them a choice: You say: "Pick an outfit for school".
(3) Then let them wear what they choose.
____________________________________________________________
37
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
If they choose a layered look - let them wear it. Remember, you're allowing
them a choice! Its only clothes. Save your time and effort to fight the
bigger battles later on when they get older.
Example: What if your 6 y/o want to go skating with a neighbor:
(1) Do you know the neighbor?
(2) Do you trust the neighbor? Do you feel uncomfortable?
(3) If not, then just say No.
Talk to your child. Let them know you will meet the neighbors and get to
know them, so maybe next time, they can go.
When the child is in high school and their homework or chores are not done,
you might want to say something such as:
(1) "Your friends can come over when __
a. _ your homework is finished."
b. _ your room is picked up."
(2) "You can go to the movies when __
a. _ you finished your homework."
b. _ you finish your chores today."
Discuss the need for responsible choices and paying the consequences if
they make bad choices. Let them learn to think for themselves.
Children who can think for themselves and make good decisions tend to be
responsible people who make good choices, overall. The Justice System is
for irresponsible people who make poor choices.
PARENTAL CHOICES
If you tell children not to use alcohol, drugs or steal, but you drink or
eat the candy at the store, you are giving them the wrong message!
Also, if you involve them (ask them to get you a beer, or let
them drink) you are giving them the wrong message!
Children look to you as a role model and for your approval of
the right behavior. If you drink or use drugs and pretend you
don't you are teaching them to be sneaky liars.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
DENIAL
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
Conflicts tend to surface and power struggles are not uncommon between
parent and child. Unexpressed anger or unresolved conflicts are unhealthy
for body, mind, and emotions. Physical and mental health issues can result
from repressed anger and unresolved conflict. The best solution is for at
least one person to admit they might be wrong and stop the conflict.
However, pride often stops us from admitting to our frailties.
"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." (1 Corinthians 8:1) Knowledge puffs
up because it flatters our pride. And too much pride can put you to shame.
It's wiser to be humble. (Proverbs 11:2) Admitting to our faults requires a
humble spirit rather than a prideful one.
While anger and conflict are common, there are godly ways to express any
emotion honestly and resolve conflict quickly.
This section offers information for helping to manage anger and conflict
between parents and children, or anyone else for that matter.
____________________________________________________________
41
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
ANAGING
ANGER
When a child is very angry, often parents want them to not be angry.
In the process, the parent may deny the childs feelings. Instead,
give them time to calm down so they can express their feelings responsibly.
Take a deep breath, be calm, and listen without getting defensive.
If they are unwilling to talk, then offer to discuss the situation later when
they have calmed down and willing to find a solution.
Now, you take time to cool off and think the situation over.
Take another deep breath, offer to arrange a time to talk. Remember, no
quick solution is likely. Then, follow the steps to Resolve Conflict.
Even when they are prepared to talk, they may attempt to work around you
and the problem. But you need to face the problem openly and honestly
instead of avoiding it or getting angry yourself. Stick with the issues; avoid
personal attacks or threats.
Children sometimes use anger to get their way, especially if they know you
are intimidated by their anger. Instead, clarify and seek understanding for
both persons by talking and listening. Do not try to win the argument.
Mary and Jesus used a very effective technique for good communication.
Not all children cooperate no matter what we do, and power struggles are
inevitable at times and with certain people. No one truly wins these.
Remember, you cannot control a
person bigger than you (a 15 y/o)
or more stubborn (a 5 or 15 y/o)
without the use of violence.
Violence in any form is abuse!
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
ISTAKES PARENTS MAKE
"Please come with us." (Begging and pleading is a position of weakness; they
know you can be used and they likely will do exactly that)
"Look at your brother; he didn't run off." (Comparison's build resentment;
they stop listening, and may get angry with the one being compared, etc.)
"If you come with us, I'll give you _____." (Bribes set you up to be used)
"Come with us, now or youll be grounded." (Threats--power struggles--are
also weak and set you up for anger and retaliation)
Rather than beg, bribe, shame, or threats to a child give them choices that
challenge them to think through the situation and come up with a solution.
They learn they can think for themselves and feel good about it.
BE SPECIFIC
Say what you mean
Ask questions to clarify
Listen to their response
What behavior do you want?
Give clear and specific details.
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Consequences:
When they do not follow through have consequences and follow through on
the consequences otherwise they are meaningless!
"You are late for dinner. Go to your room (you do not allow them dinner
and no snack later; also you do not argue about it; they just do it).
You may hear, Oh Gee Whiz, Dad. Do not let their grieving sway you.
"You were late for school today. Tonight, you will not have the television
(Game boy or stereo or friends over, etc.).
Again, you may hear, Come on. Be reasonable. You are being reasonable,
which means responsible, which teaches them to be responsible.
BE REASONABLE
Allow for human error, but not excuses just because they want to
watch TV and you dont want to feel mean and cruel.
Use your good judgment or intuition; it usually tells you the truth.
Dont be fooled into feeling sorry for them; that's another common
mistake parents often make.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
This is not always true for often children who were raised by violent
parents yet become Christians choose not to give back the hate and fear,
but love and care instead. Now, lets look at problem solving strategies.
PROBLEM SOLVING
WHEN you see a problem, rather than saying what you think the problem is,
ask: What do you think the problem is?
THEN ask them what they think could be done to solve the problem.
ALLOW THEM to solve the problem though their way differs from yours.
Example
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR
1. Attention. Some kids get needed attention by being rude and annoying.
2. Power. When children do not get attention by being annoying they may
engage in a power struggle, but you know how to deal with that now.
3. Revenge. Next, they get violent or mean and/or try to get even with you.
They are angry and want you to know it! Give them appropriate attention!
4. Helpless. When they fail in these ways to get attention (love) desired,
they may lose all confidence and expect to fail; they give up.
SOLUTIONS:
Don't take their behavior personal
Avoid punishment and retaliation
Build trust; convince them they are lovable
Be friendly with them but firm and honest
Let them save face; deal with them alone
SUMMARY
If you find yourself in a power struggle, find a way out immediately. First,
admit you do not have all the answers and need to think over the situation.
Set a time to come back and discuss the situation, by listening and using all
those good communication skills you know how to use. Give children time and
needed attention only when they are not acting out. This can be difficult,
but there will be times when they are themselves and not behaving poorly.
Watch for it as though you were looking for a gold mine. It will be gold mine
you will soon have in changed behavior.
Next:
Strategies for discipline that will encourage children to be themselves
while finding the love and acceptance they need from you, their parents.
Mary and Joseph taught Jesus correctly, and set a positive example for all
of us to follow, so we become all God intended, which means love.
____________________________________________________________
47
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
49
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
The following is the one for one plan for managing problems.
one for one plan
one child at a time
one problem at a time
one step at a time until resolved
STRATEGIES FOR THE PARENT-CHILD PLAN
Discussion and Goal Setting
Help child understand expectations
Planned practice of desired behavior
Self-monitor and taking responsibility
Daily report on behavior and discuss
Time management; use buddy system
PARENT-CHILD PLAN
Remember . . .
Keep it super simple
Handle one child at a time
and one problem at a time
Never complain about them or explain yourself to the child (to
apologize or placate). Instead
1. BE PREPARED
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
2. THE PROBLEM
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
8. VISUALIZE
Be sure all persons involved have a clear vision of what the
outcome will look like when the task is completed.
BEHAVIOR PLAN
1. Describe change desired. (pick up clothes, improve ____ by ___)
2. Clarify problem (what, when, where) (daily needs reminding to
pick up clothes and finish homework)
3. Describe acceptable behavior (Sally will keep her clothes hung up
or in dresser and complete homework before dinner)
4. Consequences for noncompliant behavior (no friends over, lose TV,
no phone or stereo, etc.)
WRITTEN AGREEMENT
Date ________
Name _________
A Rating Scale might be useful and could look like the following
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
RATING SCALE TO ENCOURAGE IMPROVEMENT
1 = needs help
3 = progress
5 = well done
Child
Parent
Wake-up
12345
12345
Morning
12345
12345
Lunch
12345
12345
Afternoon
12345
12345
Evening
12345
12345
School
12345
12345
All family members can help by encouraging and supporting the parents, and
the child. Responses could include:
Discussion
Goal Setting
Practice Behavior
Write a Contract
Weekly Conference
Support Person
Healthy Friends
Positive Self-talk
As noted throughout this book, consequences are essential and natural and
logical consequences that are related to the offense and that make sense
to the child are always the best.
Teaching about Jesus and the choices he made daily, can help the child
understand that everyone has choices that lead to success or failure, and
ask them what they would like for their life, success or failure.
Notice the five different choices Jesus made in Mark 1. (1) Jesus called his
disciples to follow and he would make then fishers of men, (2) next he
drove out an evil spirit, and (3) healed many. In verse 35 -"Very early in the
____________________________________________________________
53
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to
a solitary place, where he (4) prayed. Simon and his companions looked for
him, and when they found Him, exclaimed, 'Everyone is looking for you!'"
Jesus replied, "'Let us go somewhere else to the nearby villages so I can
(5) preach there; this is why I have come' (v38). So he traveled throughout
Galilee, preaching and driving out demons."
Thus, Jesus (1) taught, (2) exorcised demons, (3) healed many, (4) prayed,
and (5) preached during his time here on earth.
Repeatedly Jesus took his disciples and trained them to teach the world.
Sometimes I think we don't realize the importance of training even one of
our children and teach them their responsibility to others.
Parents who have children or grandchildren could plan ways to serve others,
explaining why this is being done to the glory of God. All of us could take
someone with us to visit people in the hospital, or widows. Or we could
encourage each other to spend daily time with God.
Making good choices about spending time with God and serving God help us
to have peace of mind and good spiritual health and eternal life.
On judgment day, Jesus will say to those who did only lip service, Go away.
I never knew you. (Matthew 7:22-23.) We must commit to God and love him
with all our heart and teach our children to do the same.
Jesus had to choose how to spend his time as do we! Sometimes we choose
just by letting things happen and then, we have to deal with the results. We
need to be responsible and make good choices of how to spend our lives so
our children learn by example as well as by natural and logical consequences.
Five areas where Jesus spent his time being an example:
On the next page are examples of natural and logical consequences.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
CONSEQUENCES: NATURAL AND LOGICAL
Situation
Consequence
3. Swear, aggressive
4. Negative Activity
____________________________________________________________
55
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
DOCUMENT
Always document consequences to aid in memory retention and so you can
follow through when checking on the results.
Remember, Its their Choice!
"You can _________ now, or lose __________ for __ hours or __ days.
Remember, they are responsible for their choices and the consequences!
YOU are not doing anything to THEM, they made a CHOICE by their actions
and as such, they have the responsibility for the choice.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
Have flexible rules while maintaining your core values and principles
Managing Discipline
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Children learn best from their mistakes when parents take the time
to teach them guidelines for correct behavior.
I dont agree with your choice, but if thats what you want, then
I will support your decision [if its not illegal or immoral].
CHILDLIKE ENTHUSIASM
When Jesus was a child, in his exuberance, he went off on his own.
When he was twelve years old, they went up as they always did for the Feast.
When they left for home, Jesus stayed behind, but his parents didn't know it.
Thinkinghewaswithfamilyorfriends,itwasawholedaybeforehisparentswent
looking for him among relatives and neighbors. When they didn't find him, they
wentbacktoJerusalemandeventuallyfoundhimintheTemplewiththeteachers,
listeningandaskingquestions.Theteacherswereimpressedwithhisanswers.But
MaryandJosephwerenotimpressed;theywereupsetandhurt.Hismothersaid,
"Youngman,whyhaveyoudonethistous?YourfatherandIhavebeenanxious
out of our minds looking for you." He innocently said, "Why were you looking?
Didn'tyouknowIwouldbehere,doingmyFatherswork?"Theyhadnoideawhat
hewastalkingabout.SohewentbacktoNazarethandwasobedienttothem.His
mother held these things deep within herself. Thus Jesus matured in both body
andspirit,blessedbybothGodandpeople.(Luke2:4252)
What Mary and Joseph said after the encounter is unknown, but
Jesus likely was instructed in correct behavior for a 12 year old of
his time, culture, and faith.
You were not considered an adult male until age thirteen, and a man
had to be at least 30 years of age to enter the ministry, which is the
age when Jesus began his ministry!
Jesus grew and matured in knowledge and wisdom and was admired by
God and the people because he obeyed his parents authority.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
PARENTAL AUTHORITY
Guess
what?
Parents dont have all the answers!
God does, but they must want to listen!
Ask for forgiveness when you mess up!
____________________________________________________________
59
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Teens need to learn by making decisions, even though they are poor!
Getting a ticket for speeding and their having to go to work to pay it off
rather than you paying it and lecturing them forever about it, works best.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
BRIBE, CON, AND SPOIL YOUR CHILDREN
Instead,
You need to ., then you can .
If you continue, then you will
____________________________________________________________
61
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
NOTES:
HOUSEHOLD RULES
I hope that by now you have established some home rules and both you and
your children have found agreement and cooperation in following them.
Rules are vital to every family home.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
TEST TIME
Have rules that make sense for each person, place and purpose.
Rules you have for an 8 y/o may not apply when they are a teenager.
LEARN TO TRUST
I cannot say it often enough. Generally, children want to be trusted; it
feels good to know that your parents love and trust you. Often, they must
learn what it means to be trusted, and that means you have to take the
time to train them in the way they should go.
LEARN
Trust does not mean you let them do whatever they want. You have rules
and are actually following them. Remember?
DECISIONS
Decide what you can live with, and never sacrifice your principles.
My Principles:
1. Nothing or no one illegal (social)
2. Nothing or no one immoral (Gods)
3. Nothing life threatening (yours)
Discuss each of these with teens and the consequences of poor choices.
____________________________________________________________
63
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Principle #1
Nothing or no one illegal (social rules)
Use of alcohol or non-medicinal drugs
Friends who are known drug users
Friends who drink before age 21.
Friends who are in legal trouble.
Of course, bad things sometimes happen to even good kids, but were talking
here about kids who often break the law.
Principle #2
Nothing or no one immoral (Gods rules)
Promiscuous or Predators
Pornography (magazines, TV, computer)
Violence toward other people
Music today without sex or violence is not common.
Principle #3
Nothing life threatening (your rules)
No parent wants a child dead because of life threatening activities
Riding with an unskilled, or a drunk driver
Activities (sky diving and other sports often require learned
skills for life safety)
Use of drugs is life threatening
Food problems can be life threatening
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
Whos taking advantage of whom?
We can all be a manipulator and may or may not be aware of what
were doing.
Methods of manipulation include:
Withhold privileges to get your way
Rewards (bribes) when things go your way
Using ancient history to cause pain and hurt
His brothers said to Him, "Depart from here, and go into Judea, that
your disciples also may behold the works you are doing. For no one does
anything in secret, when he himself seeks to be known publicly. If you do
these things, show yourself to the world." (John 7:3-4).
Jesus brothers gave what sounded like good advice to manipulate him.
There are people who try to manipulate you into do what they want and
that includes your children. Guilt is a great manipulator.
The next time that someone asks you to do something that you don't
believe that you should (even it is a good thing like to serve on a
committee), just say "no" and don't explain yourself. That isn't easy to do.
Jesus Did Not Manipulate People.
Jesus said, "My time has not yet come, but your opportunity is always
here. The world cannot hate you; but it hates me because I testify of it,
that its deeds are evil. (John 7:6-7).
____________________________________________________________
65
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
Sometimes we get carried away in our desire to win people to Christ even
our children and present the gospel as if Christ means the end of troubles
and as if it will turn you into a nice person so that everyone will like you.
Nothing could be further from the truth. You are called to carry a cross
and it isnt a small, dainty ornament. It is a sign of the worlds disdain.
Jesus did not try to manipulate people with niceties but told the truth and
he told it without holding anything back. When you tell people about Christ,
your children or anyone else you dont have to try to sugarcoat the gospel.
Just tell it like it is and let the Holy Spirit determine how they receive it.
You don't have to try to force people; just be faithful.
Jesus Was Not Naive About His Self (7:7).
"The world cannot hate you; but it hates me because I testify of it, that
its deeds are evil." (John 7:7).
Jesus did not expect everyone to love him and we and our children cannot
either. Hatred is the price you pay for the Christian truth. Christianity
says that everybody is bad that faith is crucial to our eternal destiny.
People say, "Dont make waves." God says, "I want you to make waves."
Religion says that morality is relative to its culture. Christianity says that
God has given 10 commandments and they arent merely 10 suggestions and
they dont change. Jesus knew this truth and it made Him a success.
Ask questions; state the facts.
You (mom) do all the discipline and (dad) none, you can say
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
DISCIPLINE IN THE HOME
Be patient when you are being corrected! This is how God treats his
own children. Don't all parents correct their children?
God corrects all his children, and if he doesn't correct you, then you
don't really belong to him. Heb 12:6-8
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
BARRIERS TO SUCCESS
Understanding sin and iniquity and when our children transgress means
we must pay attention, and give them our valuable time. However, when
parents are busy they tend to over react to teens or ignore them, and
thereby, the teen learns not to take them too serious. To be thoughtful
caring people teens need parents who are thoughtful and caring.
Parents create barriers between them and their teens with careers, and
being busy with everything but their children. Saying no to careers,
activities, or even church if it comes between you and your children is
vital to establishing a sense of love and value.
Discipline should stretch and grow our children so they become strong
mature people. When they ask what seems to be impractical, instead of
reacting with No way! say,
I need time to think this over; let me give you an answer in ...
This way they learn to take some time to think before taking any action.
Lets check out some examples for teaching a child to cope with stress
by giving examples and letting them learn.
COPING WITH STRESS
MacDonald not only gives examples, but he actually takes the teen out
on in a car, or other teaching situation, and has them go not just think
about it, but has them actually do it!
So, consider events in your teens life and take them on a test run. You
can do this with younger children, like teaching them to make a bed, etc.
Now consider various situations they could encounter with a new
experience and let them act out how they would respond. The examples
MacDonald gives are:
Youre on a date and have a flat tire; get the jack and tire out and
pretend to change the tire; go through the motions.
Your car breaks down. Do you leave the date to go for help, or ?
Freeway construction, so now you must find another way.
There are a number of scenarios you could use. Take a look at your life
and the problems that have confronted you or other people.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
ALIENATION
Be specific about the time frame needed and say exactly what they
need to do. Are you following through on consequences?
Consider how each child responds to situations, and let them know
your expectations, and always follow through on consequences!
CONSISTENCY
You must be consistent, as well as fair, firm, yet flexible. What kind of
parent are you?
Being consistent with your children is the key so they understand your
expectations and the consequences when they dont comply. Encourage
the childs suggestions and their not waiting to be asked.
____________________________________________________________
69
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
REBELLION
What do you do when a child runs off and slams the door to their room?
When you set a standard and consequences for disobedience then follow
through, no matter how many doors they slam.
Let the child know they will be judged not only by their behavior and
the words of their mouth but by their attitude.
Stand in front of a mirror with them and alter your attitude and
have them do the same thing so they can see the change occur.
Proverbs says that fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and
children should have reasonable fear of their parents.
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
DECISIONS ON DISCIPLINE
Once the consequences are set, have a time limit and follow through
Ask, How long do you expect it will take you?
2. Consequential
Time Outs
Financial
Restitution
Restrict Privileges
Unpleasant Work
Home Confinement
NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
Situation
1. Late going to bed
Consequence
Tired next morning get up at regular time.)
3. Swear, aggressive
4. Negative Activity
(Throw controller
5. Not do chores
____________________________________________________________
71
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
CHOICES
You can turn down the radio now, or lose it for the next 24 hours."
"You can stop ___ now or lose the television for the next 24 hours."
"You can do ___ or stay in without ____ until the chores are done.
You can go out with your friends after the (
) is done.
If you throw the controller again, you will lose the game for __ hours.
"Son, why have you treated us like this? We were anxious and
worried sick about you! --Luke 2:42-52
Information for this portion came from my own parenting and from,
Parents & Teenagers: Practical advice from over 50 Christian leaders.
(Jay Kessler, Gen. Ed.)
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
BEDTIME BOUNDARIES
YOUR CHILDS SLEEP HABITS
____________________________________________________________
73
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
16 - 14 hrs
12 - 24 months of age
14 - 12 hrs
2 - 10 years of age
12 - 10 hrs
10 - 18 years of age
0 - 8 hrs
What is your child's age ______; and how many hours do they typically
sleep at night____? Do they sleep throughout the night?
Bedtime should be pleasant without anger, conflict or power struggles
o
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
ASSESS BEDTIME NEEDS
Assess how much time the child needs to get ready and into bed?
o
o
If they are ready for bed on time, you read them a story of
appropriate length.
____________________________________________________________
75
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
If they are not ready, help them finish immediately and get into
bed, and do not
read them a story.
o
Do Not Say,
o
o
o
o
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
o Bedtime is a good time to have close personal time with children.
Sharing stories and reading can give that special time needed.
NIGHT FEARS
o
And you miss the chance for a loving and sharing time.
anger
jealousy
aggression
Activity during the day can make it easier to forget our fears
o
Relaxing helps:
A quiet talk
____________________________________________________________
77
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
SEX ABUSE
o
Never touch the torso below the shoulders or above the knees.
THE KEY
o
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
BEGINNING OF CHANGE
Go
o
o
o
Keep track for a couple of weeks to see how their sleep habit
look before you change anything.
o
Thats pretty much all there is to it. Time and effort is all it takes to
raise a child up in the way they should go so they will not depart.
Remember, love is patient and kind, always there for our children, not
rejecting or condemning them. When Jesus was baptized, God spoke:
This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased
Upon becoming believers we too are Gods beloved. While he may not
always approve of our attitude and behavior, God loves us no matter and
is well pleased that we have accepted Christ as our Savior. Therefore,
let your children know they are your beloved in whom you are pleased,
even though you do not always like their attitude and behavior.
____________________________________________________________
79
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
Appendix A
DevelopingaGodlyRelationshipwithYourParents
Exodus 20:12 "Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the
landtheLordyourGodisgivingyou."
Exodus21:15"Anyonewhoattackshisfatherorhismothermustbeputtodeath."
Thisisnotanexcuseforparentstomurdertheirchildrenbutanexampleofhowserious
Godisregardingdisobedience.Heknowsthatdisobedienceleadstodestruction and a
life of chaos while discipline for teaching obedience toachildhelpskeepthem ontrack.
Thus, the home is guarded, parents protected, and a childs behaviorwell-managed.
Proverbs 1:8 "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your
mother'steaching.
Proverbs 10:1 "The proverbs of Solomon: A wise son brings joy to his father, but a
foolishsongrieftohismother."
Proverbs 23:25 "May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth
rejoice!"
Proverbs31:2631"Shespeakswithwisdom,andfaithfulinstructionisonhertongue.
Shewatchesovertheaffairsofherhouseholdanddoesnoteatthebreadofidleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many
womendonoblethings,butyousurpassthemall."Charmisdeceptive,andbeautyis
fleeting;butawomanwhofearstheLORDistobepraised.Givehertherewardshehas
earned,andletherworksbringherpraiseatthecitygate.
Psalm 103:13 "As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has
compassiononthosewhofearhim;"
Proverbs3:1112"Myson,donotdespisetheLORD'sdisciplineanddonotresenthis
rebuke;theLORDdisciplinesthoseheloves,asafather[a]thesonhedelightsin
Proverbs23:24"Thefatherofarighteousmanhasgreatjoy;hewhohasawiseson
delightsinhim."
Colossians 3:21 "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become
discouraged."
____________________________________________________________
81
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
PracticalParenting
______________________________________________________________________
AppendixB
ProverbsforParents
1:19TheproverbsofSolomonsonofDavid,kingofIsrael:forattainingwisdomand
discipline;forunderstandingwordsofinsight;foracquiringadisciplinedandprudent
life,doingwhatisrightandjustandfair;forgivingprudencetothesimple,knowledge
anddiscretiontotheyoungletthewiselistenandaddtotheirlearning,andletthe
discerninggetguidanceforunderstandingproverbsandparables,thesayingsand
riddlesofthewise.ThefearoftheLORDisthebeginningofknowledge,butfools
despisewisdomanddiscipline.Listen,myson,toyourfather'sinstructionanddonot
forsakeyourmother'steaching.Theywillbeagarlandtograceyourheadandachain
toadornyourneck.
3:2126
Myson,preservesoundjudgmentanddiscernment,donotletthemoutofyoursight;
theywillbelifeforyou,anornamenttograceyourneck.Thenyouwillgoonyourway
insafety,andyourfootwillnotstumble;whenyouliedown,youwillnotbeafraid;
whenyouliedown,yoursleepwillbesweet.
Havenofearofsuddendisasteroroftheruinthatovertakesthewicked,fortheLORD
willbeyourconfidenceandwillkeepyourfootfrombeingsnared.
4:2022
Myson,payattentiontowhatIsay;listencloselytomywords.Donotletthemoutof
yoursight,keepthemwithinyourheart;fortheyarelifetothosewhofindthemand
healthtoaman'swholebody.
5:1114
Attheendofyourlifeyouwillgroan,whenyourfleshandbodyarespent.Youwillsay,
"HowIhateddiscipline!Howmyheartspurnedcorrection!Iwouldnotobeymy
teachersorlistentomyinstructors.
Ihavecometothebrinkofutterruininthemidstofthewholeassembly."
5:2223
Theevildeedsofawickedmanensnarehim;thecordsofhissinholdhimfast.Hewill
dieforlackofdiscipline,ledastraybyhisowngreatfolly.
6:2023
Myson,keepyourfather'scommandsanddonotforsakeyourmother'steaching.Bind
themuponyourheartforever;fastenthemaroundyourneck.Whenyouwalk,they
willguideyou;whenyousleep,theywillwatchoveryou;whenyouawake,theywill
speaktoyou.Forthesecommandsarealamp,thisteachingisalight,andthe
correctionsofdisciplinearethewaytolife...
10:1Awisesonbringsjoytohisfather,butafoolishsongrieftohismother.
12:1Whoeverlovesdisciplinelovesknowledge,buthewhohatescorrectionisstupid.
____________________________________________________________
83
CoffeeMarks
____________________________________________________________________________
13:1Awisesonheedshisfather'sinstruction,butamockerdoesnotlistentorebuke.
13:18Hewhoignoresdisciplinecomestopovertyandshame,butwhoeverheeds
correctionishonored.
13:24Hewhosparestherodhateshisson,buthewholoveshischilddisciplines
15:5Afoolspurnsdiscipline,butwhoeverheedscorrectionshowswisdom.
15:10Sterndisciplineawaitshimwholeavesthepath;hewhohatescorrectionwilldie.
15:20Awisesonbringsjoytohisfather,butafoolishmandespiseshismother.
17:6Childrenareacrowntotheaged,andparentsaretheprideoftheirchildren.
17:21Tohaveafoolforasonbringsgrief;thereisnojoyforthefatherofafool.
17:25Afoolishsonbringsgrieftohisfatherandbitternesstotheonewhoborehim.
19:13Afoolishsonishisfather'sruin,...
19:18Disciplineyourchildsothereishope;donotbeawillingpartytohisdeath.
19:26Hewhorobshisfatheranddrivesouthismotherbringsshameanddisgrace.
19:27Stoplisteningtoinstruction,andyouwillstrayfromthewordsofknowledge.
22:6Trainachildinthewayheshouldgo,andwhenheisoldhewillnotturnfromit.
22:15Follyisintheheartofachild,buttherodofdisciplinewilldriveitfarfromhim.
23:13Donotwithholddisciplinefromachild;ifyoupunishhim,hewillnotdie.
23:14Punishhimwiththerodandsavehissoulfromdeath.
29:15Correctionimpartswisdom,butachildlefttohimselfdisgraceshismother.
29:17Disciplineyourson,andhewillgiveyoupeace;hewillbringdelight...
FromtheNIVBible
For your own Unlimited Reading and FREE eBooks today, visit:
http://www.Free-eBooks.net
Share this eBook with anyone and everyone automatically by selecting any of the
options below:
COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
Free-eBooks.net respects the intellectual property of others. When a book's copyright owner submits their work to Free-eBooks.net, they are granting us permission to distribute such material. Unless
otherwise stated in this book, this permission is not passed onto others. As such, redistributing this book without the copyright owner's permission can constitute copyright infringement. If you
believe that your work has been used in a manner that constitutes copyright infringement, please follow our Notice and Procedure for Making Claims of Copyright Infringement as seen in our Terms
of Service here:
http://www.free-ebooks.net/tos.html