TXB Module 2: Dumper

and Dumped
by Michael Fiore

www.textyourexback.com

c by Michael Fiore and Digital Romance, Inc. All

Copyright 2012
rights reserved. Reproduction and distribution in any way, shape, or
form is forbidden. No part of this manual or its accompanying audio
and/or video material shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,
or transmitted by any other means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior written permission from the
author. If you have questions, email legal@textyourexback.com.
Copyrighted materials cited in this course are reproduced here for educational purposes only under fair use provisions of U.S. Copyright law.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with
the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering legal,
accounting or other professional advice. If legal advice or other professional assistance is required, the services of a competent professional
should be sought. Michael Fiore and Digital Romance, Inc. individually or corporately, do not accept any responsibility for any liabilities
resulting for the actions of any parties involved.
1

DUMPER AND DUMPED

Dumper and Dumped

Lets Get One Thing Straight: Why Did You
Break Up?
Things seemed to be going so well. Jenny dug Phil. They had
great sex. They had a ton of fun together. Things seemed to
be progressing. Until the day he got that fateful phone call. I
feel like you dont respect me and I think I want to see other
people. Wow! That hit him in the gutPhil always bought her
flowers, took her out to the nicest restaurants, and was even
extra-nice to her mother. What did it mean?
Phil had some serious thinking to do.
In this module well talk about why you and your ex broke up and what
the conversation in your exs mind is about you. You will start finding
the fuel you need to put your plan into action, using simple text messages to seduce her or him back into your life, and ideally have them
think it was their own idea.
The key question for this module is this:

Why did you break up really?

To help you answer this question, Ive created a very simple form for you
to fill out. This is importantyou will use this material throughout the
book. Before you get started, here are two words to keep in mind:
Be HONEST.
If you lie to yourself about why you and your ex REALLY broke up, or
what you really want the Text Your Ex Back program to do for you, youre
going to be very disappointed when you pull the texting trigger.
Honesty can be painful. Facing the real reasons for your breakup can
be more painful than the breakup itself. Admitting you played a part in
the breakup? Ouch. This is tough stuff. Face it nowor put this book
down before you hurt yourself. Got it? Good.
Well also cover some important CORE CONCEPTS and INNER GAME
stuff that will make the whole Text Your Ex Back process go much,
much smoother.
Before you try to get your ex back, you need to spend a little time understanding why you broke up in the first place. This might seem obvious
2

DUMPER AND DUMPED

you might even have spent hour after hour analyzing just what went
wrong. Or you might have no idea. You have to do a bit of emotional
detective work to unravel the mystery of what happened.
Now, either you got dumped, or you did the dumping. If you got dumped,
read Option 1 below. If you did the dumping, skip ahead to Option 2.
Do the worksheet that makes sense for your situation. Youll use this
material later, so rememberBE HONEST!

Option 1: You got dumped.

Getting dumped sucks. It doesnt matter how nice your ex was, or how
long you saw it comingits a blow to the ego.
All is not lost. A strategic program of texting may be able to bring your
ex back into your arms. But before you send a single text, you need to
figure out WHY your ex broke up with you. Otherwise, you might end
up just making things worse!
NOTE: This is not necessarily the same as why they SAY they broke up
with you. It might be, but it might not be. Getting to the core reason is
going to require painful analysis and honesty. Its worth it, trust me.

Top 7 Reasons Your Ex Might Have

Given for Dumping YouAnd What
They Really Mean
Its not you, its me.
Yes, people still use this lie ALL THE TIME. Its so vague that its meaningless
or is it?
What it really means: It can mean one of several things, each of which
I will address later in the system.
1. They were not feeling attracted to you anymore but didnt want to
hurt your feelings.
2. They were bored. Some people get bored easily. These people can
be in a monogamous relationship, but its more work for you.
3. They werent getting their sexual or emotional needs met but are
afraid to tell you in plain English. This can be addressed.

DUMPER AND DUMPED

4. They dont know themselves.

In any case, you have to put in a little extra legwork here. Look back
at your relationship and identify key issues that could have led to the
breakup. And look on the bright side: while this reason is usually a
lie, it generally means they cared enough not to stomp on your ego. You
can use that to your advantage later.

Our relationship isnt moving forward.

What it really means: Its stereotypical, but youll hear this one most
often from women. Theyre the ones with the biological clock ticking
in their heads. This one can also be good news. It means youre not
living up to your potentialbut you HAVE POTENTIAL! Your job is going
to be to convince your ex that youre ready to bring things to the next
level, whatever that might be, or to convince them that its not time to
go to that level yet.

I just cant relax or You dont appreciate

me.
What it really means: Dr. John Gottman (an AMAZING relationship
researcher at the University of Washington) says that contempt is the
#1 indicator of whether a relationship will last. Contempt means constantly nagging and criticizing. If this is the case, youre going to have
to learn to accept your ex for who they are and rebuild their trust and
self-esteem. I recommend you read Dr. Gottmans work and take it to
heart. You can learn more at http://www.gottman.com.

We just dont communicate.

What it really means: Another common reason for a woman to break
up with a man. I hear from women all the time who say, I just dont
know whats going on in his head or He never TALKS to me. Later in
this manual youre going to learn some techniques to make speaking
your heart simpler and less frightening. If youre a woman, youll learn
to speak a language your man actually responds to.

DUMPER AND DUMPED

I dont want to talk about it. (or silence)

What it really means: This is a tough one. Theyre stonewalling you
why? It might be that you did something specific that theyre so mad
about they cant get over it. You may have to eat crow and apologize
to get the conversation going. Or your ex may not have the emotional
maturity to confront the reasons they broke up with you. In any case,
this one requires some internal detective work.

I found someone else.

What it really means: The grass is always greener, huh? Finding out
the person you love is with someone else can feel like getting stabbed
in the gut (believe me, I know). Its also completely possible that once
they settle in with a new person, theyll realize what a good thing they
left behind. Your job here will be to put your best face forward, be as
unbothered by whats happened as possible, and slowly open the door
to reconciliation.

Cheating (sexual or emotional)

What it really means: I get a lot of emails about this one. If your
ex broke up with you because of cheating, its PROBABLY because you
cheated on him or her (though sometimes someone will cheat, realize
they cheated because they wanted out of their existing relationship, and
then pull the trigger). Cheating is complicated and deserves special
treatment.
But first, remember they might have lied.
Believe it or not, your ex may have lied about the actual reason for the
breakup. Why would they do this? Either. . .
They still like you, and they dont want to hurt your feelings, OR
They dont like confrontation and want to avoid stirring anything
up.
In some cases, they might not even KNOW the real reason. You might
have to work extra-hard to figure it out.
Should you even think about getting back together with someone whos
willing to lie about such a big deal? Unless theyre a chronic liar, its
probably not a bit deal. You shouldnt lie about the big stuff, but brutal

DUMPER AND DUMPED

honesty on a day-to-day basis can really mess up a good relationship. Your partner doesnt really need to know what goes through your
head when you eye the cute waiter or waitress.

Why do people cheat?

Guys usually cheat because they are horny. Testosterone drives him
towards women like a freight train, and he thinks that he cant help
himself. Im not saying guys SHOULD cheatpromises are promises.
Im just saying if they cheat it might very well have nothing to do with
you or the relationship at all. It has to do with his inability to control
his base urges.
If the cheating was an isolated incident in an otherwise good relationship, its not an indicator that a relationship is doomed. If hes a serial
cheater, think carefully before proceedingyou probably arent going to
change him.
Some men do cheat for emotional reasons, but its the rarer case.
Girls usually cheat for emotional reasons. Shes craving something
shes not getting in her or her life. It probably DOES reflect her feelings about you or the relationship. That sounds harsh, but its goodit
means you can do something about it. She might cheat for:
Closeness: You didnt meet her emotional needs.
Excitement: Shes bored.
Revenge: You cheated on her first, or slighted her in some way.
Some complicated reason you cant possibly comprehend: It
happens. Youll have to work on your listening skills and learn her
language. It can be done.
And, as with men, there are exceptionssome women cheat because
they want some action. Its just not as common.
As youre working through these issues, remember one thing: Monogamy
is unnatural. OK, OK, before I get hate mail, Im NOT condoning cheating and Im NOT suggesting everyone go out and have a big poly relationship. Im in a monogamous relationship myself and find it extremely
fun, sexy, and exciting. But the fact of the matter is that, despite what
you may have been told, humans are NOT evolved to be monogamous.
Most reputable science shows that humans are NOT evolved to be with
just one person for the rest of our lives. If anything, were built to pair
bond for a few years, have a few kids, raise them until theyre old enough
that they wont be eaten by wild tigers, and then move on.

DUMPER AND DUMPED

Im NOT saying that you should go out and cheat on your partner or
take part in weird orgies. But I am saying that as human beings we are
ALWAYS going to want and crave variety. This goes for women as well as
men. The fact that we can CHOOSE not to indulge in this desire is part
of what makes us human and not monkeys. I think of the monogamy
thing a little bit like I think of flying. Man was not meant to fly, but
through a lot of hard work we figured out how to do it anyway. Were
not meant to be monogamous either, but through a lot of work we can
not only do it but be really satisfied by it.
Youll have a much happier relationship with your husband/boyfriend/
wife/girlfriend/significant other/1966 Chevy if you let yourself admit
that just like you, your partner is human, makes mistakes and has
cravings and desires they cant control (okay, not the Chevy).
If you were dumped, download and print Worksheet 1. Answer the questions as honestly as you can. Heres an example:

WORKSHEET 1: YOU GOT DUMPED

(SAMPLE)
1. What reason did your ex give you for breaking things off?
She said things were moving too fast and that we needed to see
other people.
2. Whats the REAL reason you think the relationship ended? (Be
honest here. What was at the real core of the end of the relationship? Ask yourself the question, dig deep, and the answer will
come.)
She thought of me as being a fun fling but not a serious relationship.
I think she thinks I will not be able to support the lifestyle she wants
if we get really serious and long-term.
3. Are you willing or able to address the real reason the relationship ended? (If you dont want kids and your ex does, or
vice-versa, thats a pretty big deal breaker.) What actions are you
willing to take in the relationship to address these problems? What
arent you willing to be flexible on? What are your deal breakers?
Yes, I realized that I need to take ownership of my career and have
since started going back to school. I think that when she sees that
I am trying to make something of myself she will see me as a more
serious guy.

DUMPER AND DUMPED

I am not willing to be flexible on my choice of career, but am more

willing to show that I am serious about making it work for me.
4. What did you learn from doing this exercise? (How does it feel
to think about this stuff? Are there things that are painful to think
about? How are you going to deal with those in reconnecting with
your ex?)
The best thing about this is that even if we dont get back together,
its a super positive change in my life. It was hard to realize that
she was kind of right about me and that I was creating my own bad
situation.

Option 2: You did the dumping.

So you messed up.
This actually happened to a friend of mine recently. He broke up with
his girlfriend of two years because of his own fear of commitment. He
dipped his toe briefly back into the world of being single, realized how
good hed had it, and then came to me begging for advice on how to get
his woman back.
Let me tell youhe had to work hard to get his ex back. But he did,
and so can you. But youre going to have to look in your heart and
understand the REAL reason you broke up with him or her. What you
said and what you meant might have as much in common as peanut
butter and nuclear weapons.
Thats OK. You have time. Take as long as you need and create a truly
honest map of what happened at the end of your relationship. This
will help you establish whats going through your exs mind when they
think of you.

Typical Reasons You May Have

Broken Up with Your Ex but Now Want
Them Back:
You thought you could do better.
. . . and now you realize youre wrong. It happens. After youve
been in a relationship for a while, you forget how much it
sucked being single. Its like being in a hot tub. When you

DUMPER AND DUMPED

first get in, its like, Ahhhhh, that feels NICE. After ten minutes or so, you get used to the warmth and bubbly goodness
and start thinking, This isnt as good as it was. You step
out, and WHAMa blast of frigid reality hits you in the swimsuit area.
As long as you didnt make a big stink for years about how
stifled you felt, you can probably recover from this one. Your
mate might even be waiting with open armsbut expect to
bear an I told you so or two.
You thought they cheated on you. . .
. . . but they didnt. If you wrongly accused them, shame on
you. Youll need to re-build those bridges. Jealousy is a powerful, most likely biological, force in human nature. Youre
really just trying to protect whats yoursso in a sense, jealousy is OK. But jealousy in this case caused you to make a
bad decision and not trust your ex. So youll need to let it go. I
recommend a version of what psychologists do to help people
who are afraid of snakes (because jealousy is fundamentally
a kind of fearfear that your ex will be taken away by some
stronger or more attractive monkey). Visualize your ex in a
situation that makes you jealous. Linger on the visualization
for a while. Do some deep breathing and repeat, I trust <exs
name>. <He/she> is an honorable and trustworthy person.
This kind of visualization can help you get over the jealousy.
You thought they cheated on you. . .
. . . and they really did. Its noble of you to want to forgive
them. But you need to make a distinction: is it a one-time
thing, or a pattern? If its a one-time thing, it might never
happen again. If its a pattern, youre going to have to accept
them as they are. If youre ready for that, it CAN workbut
honesty is key. See the previous section on cheating for more
advice.
You werent attracted to them anymore.
. . . oh, wait, yes you are. This is another situation where familiarity breeds contempt. Sometimes it just takes getting
out of the Hot Tub of Love to realize what a cold, ugly world it
is out there. One thing to watch out for: the pain of a breakup
can lead you to idealize your mate. Make sure youre not looking through rose-colored glasses. Or beer goggles.
You had a big fight.
. . . but now that youve cooled off, things dont look so bad. If

DUMPER AND DUMPED

you havent spoken to each other since the fight, it might just
take a few strategic texts to get things moving again. Youll
have to swallow your pride. And big fights are usually about
SOMETHING. Find out what it is, and youll be on your way
to healing the rift.
Word of warning: if there was emotional or physical violence involved,
THINK VERY CAREFULLY about whether you should be with that person again. Its one thing if you girlfriend poked you in the chest with
her finger; its another if she ran over you with her car. Seriously, take
stock of whether its safe to get in touch. It might besometimes couples
have one crazy out-of-control fight and never have another one as long
as they live. But if thats not your situation, get help, please.
I get emails from time to time from people (women, oddly enough) who
were truly abusive to their partner. If this is the case, put the program
away. I dont want you to get your ex back. I want you to leave them
alone. You should not be trying to get your ex back. You should be in
therapy. Only when you have healed whatever wounds cause you to act
out in a relationship should you try to get into a relationship again, and
in 99% of cases it should NOT be with the person you hurt.

Its All About You. . . Even if it Isnt

Remember, it cant be about them. It has to be about you. If you broke
up with your ex and you felt good about it, you wouldnt be reading this
book. But dont try to get back in the relationship thinking your ex is
going to change to suit you.
Youll have to turn the focus on yourself. If you broke up because you
didnt want to changeguess what, you might have to change. If you fear
commitment, you might have to get used to the idea.
If you broke up because of something you dont like about your ex
i.e., their cute, hyena-like laugh suddenly became an annoying hyenalike laugh, youre going to have to change your attitude and learn to
appreciate them as they are. With a couple of weeks of loneliness under
your belt, that should be a whole lot easier.
If you were the dumper, download and print Worksheet 2. Answer the
questions as honestly as you can. Heres an example:

10

DUMPER AND DUMPED

WORKSHEET 2: YOU DID THE

DUMPING (SAMPLE)
1. What reason did you TELL your ex when you broke up with
them? (If its actually the REAL reason, thats awesome. Hopefully
you didnt stonewall.)
I told him it was because the energy and fun had gone out of our
relationship.
2. Why did you break up with your ex? (The real reason. It might
take some soul searching.)
Pretty much that was the real reason, but I didnt really get into detail
with him. Maybe I should have but I dont like confrontation.
3. Is the reason you broke up with your ex something that you
think can be addressed? (Is it still a deal breaker, or is it something you can move past? If you cant forgive your ex for being who
they are, or change your own behavior or attitudes, youll never be
successful.)
I really think so. Ive realized during this exercise that I was probably expecting way too much of him. He has been working really hard
to provide for us, and now that my mind is in single mode Ive been
looking around at the guys I know and most of them are total slackers. So it was hard to make time for the good times. I could have
been more understanding, and I could have taken responsibility for
creating some situations where we could rekindle that spark.
4. What did you learn from doing this exercise? (How does it feel
to think about this stuff? Are there things that are painful to think
about? How are you going to deal with those in reconnecting with
your ex?)
It was hard to admit that I was partly responsible. I still dont like
thinking about it as Im a go-getter who loves to solve problems. I
just wanted him to fix it, but I realized that it takes two to tango.

Whats Next?
In the next module, well talk about your BIG GOAL so you can visualize
the outcome and create your plan of attack.

11