Leng 1

Alexander Leng
Ali M. Meghdadi
Writing 39C/ Section 33337
February 13, 2015
Betterment in the Welfare System for Abused Children
In recent years, the services provided by the United States child welfare system have
become less effective in protecting the lives of child abuse cases, and this issue could arise into
greater dilemmas if not resolved. Since 1975, The Family Law Act has limited the inclusion of
pre-forensic reports of the abused childs account or testimony in the judges case file, and this
implies that the child will only be able to defend themselves if they do it verbally in the presence
of their abuser. This method of acquiring the childs information does not benefit the child in

Commented [da1]: Watch your spacing for this section,

you need to make sure you dont add additional space in
between paragraphs. As far as your header, your last name
and page number are in Callibri rather than Times. Make
sure to change that.
Commented [da2]: You do not need to underline the title
of your paper.
Commented [da3]: Subject-verb agreement.
In the beginning, you are discussing protecting the lives.
Child abuse cases do not have lives. Be wary of
grammatical agreement.
Commented [da4]: Arise is awkward here, try changing it
to something like erect or lead to. Try not to impress
the reader by using complex diction if you do not use the
diction properly.
Commented [da5]: Do so

court because studies have shown that abused children are more likely to give little or inaccurate
information to legal authorities when there abuser is present due to the fear of the risks that are
associated with it.
If the child does not speak or give accurate information, this could lead into another
predicament that would weaken the defense of the child. The child would then have to rely on

Commented [da6]: Overall, I feel this introduction is a

little lacking. It is very brief as far as introduction of the
topic as well as perspective. Try to add a little more and give
the paragraph more sustenance.
Commented [da7]: Subject-verb agreement
Make sure your two clauses agree

the representation of an attorney or child welfare worker, which requires a lot of responsibility
on them. This is an issue because the United States is infamously ranked high for attorney
negligence and welfare workers lack the proper skills to represent their child in court. The
responsibility of defending the child is highly important, yet welfare workers and attorneys still
are not reaching their full potential to help the child because there is still negligence in basic
organization and understanding of the childs case that they will need to know in court.

Commented [da8]: Subject-verb agreement. Who is

Them? There are no plural subjects in the first clause of
this sentence.
Commented [da9]: This phrase is becoming very
redundant and is taking away from your ideas because this
is all I am noticing now. Just say Defending the child (or
victim)
Commented [da10]: Passive construction, rephrase so
your thoughts are more concise and coherent too verbose.

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Overall, the issues involved with the Family Law Act of 1975 and the negligence within
welfare workers and attorneys all contribute to the flaws within the court systems for abused

Commented [da11]: I think among might be a better

selection here. Unless you are questioning the morality of
the workers and attorneys and what is inside of them.

children. These flaws should be of the upmost concern to the public because they effect society
from both a moralistic and economic view. Society should view the severity of the issue of child

Commented [da12]: moral

abuse morally because the public view regarding child abuse is to show complete sympathy and

Commented [da13]: omit we already know child abuse

is the issue. This is just becoming word Fluff.

remorse towards the idea of a young child being maltreated. These children are at risk for a
variety of issues related to the damage of their physical, emotional, and psychological health. In
figure 1 below, it lists examples of the increased risks that are associated with the futures of

Commented [da15]: Public perception on child abuse

Commented [da16]: Try rephrasing this entire sentence.
There seem to be a lot of ideas going on in this sentence
that are fighting for space. Maybe separate them in to
separate sentences.
Commented [da17]: Unnecessary word fluff,

abused children if they are not treated immediately.

The Risks Associated With Abused Children
Mental Health Disorders, Addictions, & Related
Issues
Risk for intimate partner violence

Commented [da14]: What? Awkward phrasing.

Sexual & Reproductive Health Issues and Risk

Factors
Multiple Sexual Partners

Alcoholism and alcohol abuse

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Illicit Drug Abuse

Unintended Pregnancies

Smoking and Drinking prematurely

Early initiation of sexual activity

Depression/ Suicide

Adolescent pregnancy/fetal death

Commented [da18]: These childrens physical, emotional,

and psychological health are in danger.
Your sentences are extremely passive and they drag and
deter your reader from wanting to continue. I am constantly
finding myself confused by your sentence structure.
Commented [da19]: This either needs to be in quotations
or 1 needs to be written as one.
Commented [da20]: Subject verb agreement

Figure 1: "Child Abuse Statistics." Childhelp Child Abuse Statistics. Childhelp, 5 Jan. 2011. Web. 14 Feb. 2015.
<https://www.childhelp.org/child-abuse-statistics/>.

As depicted in the table above, there are numerous implications that damage the wellbeing of abused children. The idea of allowing the currently flaw welfare system to not make an

Commented [da21]: Passive construction

Commented [da22]: fllawed

effective difference in resolving these abuse cases will soon have a domino effect. The flaws in

Commented [da23]: Awkward phrasing. Reword entirely.

the welfare system will cause abuse cases to be left unresolved. Abused children would then

Commented [da24]: Will write actively and in the

present.

remain in unhealthy environments, and they will most likely be victims of the risks listed in
figure 1. The final result would then be an economic issue because it will be too costly to pay for

Commented [da25]: could or will.

Commented [da26]: What will be too costly? What is
It? The state of child abuse cases? The children affected
by this? Be specific.

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the welfare needed to fund for programs that financially assist formerly abused children that

Commented [da27]: omit

become involved in either promiscuous or illegal activity. All of the rehabilitation clinics and
resources to help these children and future non-functional members of society would have to
come out of the paychecks of working class Americans.
From an economic standpoint, the flaws within the welfare system are the reasons why
Americans today are still losing a percentage of their earnings to taxes that fund for welfare
programs. The funding for these welfare programs should arguably be seen as a loss because in
terms of the effort to relieve child abuse, these practices are ineffective in resolving child abuse.
In April 2012, the United States has spent an estimated $80 billion dollars for all costs related to
child abuse and neglect (Gelles 2012). The breakdown of all the costs in 2012 can be seen in
figure 2 provided below.

Annual Cost Report of Child Abuse & Neglect (2012)

Medical Treatment

Mental Health Care System

Child Welfare System

Law Enforcement

Early Intervention

Special Education

Emergency Housing

Mental Health Care

Juvenille Delinquency

Adult Criminal/ Justice Costs

Lost Worker Productivity

Figure 2: Gelles, Richard, and Staci Perlman. "A Prevent Child Abuse America Report." Firststar. 9 Apr. 2012. Web. 15 Feb. 2015.
<https://www.firststar.org/library/pcaa-economic-impact-study.aspx>.

Commented [da28]: can you actually quantify something

like this? What shows we are losing effort?

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As depicted in the pie chart, there are numerous costs to be considered when it comes to
the amount of tax dollars going to child abuse welfare programs. However, the $80 billion only

Commented [da29]: Do not state the audience. Your

audience knows how to read the pie chart.

accounted for the costs of child abuse victims that year. The lifetime costs such as long-term
resources and healthcare provided to child abuse victims can reach up to $124 billion (CDC
2012). The time has come for the United States to enact methods that would resolve the issues of

Commented [da30]: Do not use dollar signs. What is the

124 billion used for that is different from the 80 billion, and
why is it significant?

the Family Law Act and negligence in welfare service. Betterment within this system is purely
essential to create an infrastructure that would decrease the amount of child abuse cases and
improve the skills of welfare workers and attorneys that are necessary to assist in the endeavor to
decrease the number of abuse cases.
Again, the issue of children not fully being able to express themselves is caused by the
Family Law Act of 1975; however, there are still measures that can be taken to get accurate
information from children and have the information be retrievable in court. Child Focused
Practices (CFPs) are the most effective in the minimization or missing of childrens needs

Commented [da31]: Awkward phrasing and passive

construction.

(Hannan 91). This would seem to be one of the most logical practices to be conducted because it
actually does provide the opportunity for children to speak individually with a welfare worker or
a child psychologist that would give them their full attention and ensured protection.
Child welfare services that do not use CFPs do have many arguments as to why they are
not utilized, but their justifications are mainly extensions of simple excuses and laziness. The
main reason why many welfare programs do not use CFPs is because they argue that, they do
not have enough time and resources to see children. (Hannan 91) If the main issue is time, then
it could be argued that welfare really do not have enough time to tend for their clients or it is of
their own personal choice.

Commented [da32]: does

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It is true that welfare workers really do not have enough time for certain clients because
they choose to get involved in over the recommended amount of cases the average welfare
workers should take. In a national survey of 29 union affiliates representing over 13,380 welfare
workers, only 11% of workers had the average recommended workload while the rest exceeded
the average workload (Munson 3). The goal that these welfare systems want to accomplish is to
optimize the amount of cases they solved by maximizing the workloads of the workers.
However, overworking welfare workers is actually harming the effort to relieve the growing
number of child abuse cases, and it ruins the quality of service as well. Recent studies have
shown that overworking welfare case workers is ineffective because they do not have the time to
provide timely casework, make good decision making skills, and build relationships with their
child (Munson 4). Instead, workers would be too exhausted and experience excessive levels of

Commented [da33]: Good point. Your writing is

becoming more coherent here.

burnouts; therefore CFPs would prove to be worth the time because it allows more highly
qualitative and effect results.
CFPs also do not require much resources as other welfare systems claim to believe.

Commented [da34]: As many

CFPs only require a trained welfare worker or child psychologist that can competently evaluate
if a child really is a victim of abuse and listen to what they have to say about their accounts.
Fortunately, the introduction of CFPs into welfare systems is a simple and enforceable addition
because many of the current welfare workers are already qualified to follow the methods needed
in CFPs. According to recent reports, 80% of welfare workers that have stayed in child welfare
longer than two years have at least one social work degree (Munson 5). The knowledge that was
gained in acquiring this degree is sufficient enough to properly speak and question abused
children because it comprises of trainings that taught important aspects when questioning such as
the social and psychological conventional skills.

Commented [da35]: Do not use a percent sign in text.

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The decision to incorporate CFPs into more welfare systems would be the wisest
decision made in order to increase the amount of information needed from possibly abused

Commented [da36]: unnecessary

children. Having the full account of the childs abuse is vital in court because the Family Law
Act is not going to require it. The measure to add CFPs to welfare systems is not a waste of time
because it is actually worth the time to effectively resolve a few child abuse cases rather than
wasting time trying to solve as many cases as one can. It does not require a significant amount of
money, resources, and training because many of the workers there are already properly certified
in speaking with the child. Most importantly, the solutions that CFPs can offer in representing
the childs defense have already been proven and executed by some welfare agencies in the
country.
Child Focused Practices are legitimately capable of getting the information needed from
children and obtaining the desired results in court because it is reasonable for children to speak
with someone they trust and are comfortable with. These practices combine successful
therapeutic elements drawn from cognitive, behavioral, and family therapy (Cohen 3). All of
these therapies all have the central goal of providing support and skills to abused and traumatized
children. It has also been found that since these practices can also be long-term, they will also
prevent abused children from getting involved in maladaptive behaviors such as alcoholism and
smoking (Cohen 4). Thus, it can also help decrease the long term costs of welfare services such
as rehabilitation and health care as mentioned earlier in figure 2. This and other results will
confirm the necessity to incorporate CFPs into welfare systems.
Welfare systems that already have conducted the methods from CFPs show noticeably
successful results in court and in the well-being of the child. In one case study, a mother of two
children, James and Lisa, was worried of family violence being occurred by her ex-partner Chad

Commented [da37]: passive construction

her ex-partner, Chad, was abusing her children.

Leng 7

(Hannan 94). Unluckily, her case was denied because she lacked enough evidence due to the
Family Law Act limitation of resources to obtain the sufficient information against her partner.
Since her ex-partner denied all the claims being made against him, CFPs were put in place to
gain information from the children. The children were eager and comfortable to speak with the
welfare worker, and enough information was given to request a medical practitioners
examination on the children and mother. The examination showed positive for signs of abuse and
the mothers case was later brought back and won; the mother and children are now safe and the
ex-partner is no longer given visitation rights of the children (Hannan 95). As a whole, CFPs
have proven to improve the outcomes of other similar child abuse cases. The same practices were
conducted in 11 other investigations, and all showed positive results in having enough
information to defend the child in court and going in the childs favor to be given more
protection (Cohen 6). These results are conclusive, and justify the introduction of CFPs into
more prevalence in the child welfare system.

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Leng 9

Alexander,
Overall, your paper is solid, but there is definitely room for improvement. Make sure you go
over the structure and of your paper before you continue with any drafts or submit for a grade. I
have noted any structural errors throughout the paper within the comments, but I will restate
them here. Your header is not in Times New Roman and the font size is most likely eleven.
Make sure to change this you want uniformity throughout your paper. You do not need to
underline the title of your paper - this is an MLA-formatted essay, not a novel. When you go to
Paragraph, make sure you check the box that says do not add additional spaces in between
paragraphs. This box is what makes the heading on the first page as well as the spacing in
between paragraphs larger than the spaces in between lines. Make sure you fix this. Lastly, your
paper has no Works Cited page. If you do not have a references page, but cite quotations in
your text, you will not be graded on your paper. Be wary of your formatting as this is an easy
way for you to fail your paper.
Your grammar, overall, was descent. There were some diction errors and awkward phrasing that
I made sure to note throughout your paper. However, your most glaring issue is passive
construction. So much so that I stopped reading your paper for a time because it bothered me that
much. I could not highlight every passively-constructed sentence because I might highlight most
of your essay. This is usually the product of someone who does not know the topic they are
discussing or someone that has not invested the time into their topic to be able to discuss the
topic in full while trying to meet a word count. Passively-constructed sentences are unintelligent
and take away from the full effect of your essay. Make sure to speak in an active voice and draw
the reader into the essay by being concise as well as colorful with your grammar. Otherwise, the
information you are trying to present will never make it to the reader because the reader will be
too deterred by grammar mistakes and passive writing. I cannot stress this enough, so make sure
you are writing in an active voice. If there is one thing that can fail you quickly, it is passive
voice. There were some diction errors throughout your essay as well. Make sure you know
exactly what the words you are using mean and how to properly use them in context. I have
highlighted these occurrences. Misuse of diction will lead the reader to question your ethos. To
prevent any of this, you should read your paper out loud before you submit any draft. Anything
that sounds awkward when you say it out loud will be awkward in text as well. This is an easy
way to solve grammatical errors.
Overall, your ideas were presented adequately. Your introduction seemed a little flat to me and
did not draw me into the subject or make me want to read your paper. Make sure to inject a little
life into your paper and further analyze your data. There is too much story-telling in this paper
and not enough analysis and consequence. Good luck with your next draft.
Dan.

Leng 10
Ashley Hernandez
Ali Meghdadi
Writing 39C/33337
13 February 2015

Commented [da38]: Your heading and header/page

number are in the wrong font and text size.

French Fries: They are considered a vegetable now

Mommy, I can wear these when I get skinny, is what I heard a young boy, maybe six

Commented [da39]: Title should be the same size as the

rest of your paper and should not be underlined. As for your
title, I find it a little bit interesting. We will see later if it is
fitting or not.

years old, say while walking through Wal-Mart. Hearing a young child comment about his
weight and wishing to be skinny, so he can wear a ce0rtain piece of clothing, is heartbreaking.

Commented [da40]: Gross error.

Hearing teenagers complain about being overweight is more rational than hearing a six year old.
At six years old, a childs weight is out of their control. They have not yet developed the idea of
eating unhealthy versus healthy. During a childs young years, they should be thinking about

Commented [da41]: early

playing, toys, naps and definitely not about how they need to lose weight. Children are exposed

Commented [da42]: subject-verb agreement

he or she

to french fries, soda, burgers, candy and chips more than going outside to play, and riding bikes.

Commented [da43]: insert comma after naps.

Commented [da44]: Omit comma

Obesity within adults has been common for a while now and it is obvious they struggle day to
day with their weight. Walking is a struggle, getting up from a sitting position is difficult, and
breathing is also a struggle for adults whom are overweight or obese. Now imagine an obese
child experiencing the same challenges and discomforts as the adults. The only difference

Commented [da45]: If it is so obvious, then why state it?

We know obese people struggle with weight. You could talk
about health here instead weight is absolutely
unnecessary and redundant.
Commented [da46]: Try using something else besides a
struggle since you used it earlier in this sequence.

between the adult and the child is that the adults have the mental ability to recognize their eating
and exercise habits, while children do not. The rate of child obesity in continuously increasing

Commented [da47]: is

and it is eventually, if it has not already, going to ruin childrens childhood.

Commented [da48]: omit

In Figure 1, this picture depicts an overweight child sitting during a physical education
activity and watching his peers, whom are not overweight, participate. He is not refusing to
participate because he does not want to but because he cannot physically perform the activity.

Commented [da49]: reword, awkward phrasing. Lots of

redundant words
Commented [da50]: Personally, I think the figure should
be shown before you discuss it.
Commented [da51]: Subject-very agreement.
In figure 1, the overweight child is sitting []
Commented [da52]: Insert comma

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Figure 1.
Seeing an overweight five year old should not be a norm in society. Rather, it should be
more concerning than anything else. The United States seems to not understand the severity of

Commented [da53]: Does not seem to

child obesity and is ignorant of the information available to us. According to the Centers for

Commented [da54]: Subject-very agreement The United

States and Us

Disease Control and Prevention, Childhood obesity has more than doubled in children and
quadrupled in adolescents in the past 30 years. This disease is increasing exponentially and will
only continue to increase, if there is not any effort in improving the numbers. The advancement

Commented [da55]: PARANTEHTICAL CITATION IS

REQURED WHENEVER YOU HAVE A QUOTE NO
EXCEPTIONS.
Commented [da56]: Unnecessary comma

of medicine and technology in the United States is at its peak. Virtually, almost everyone has
access to the internet and is able to research the causes and effects of any sickness or disease.

Commented [da57]: Awkward phrasing and strange

thought.
only going to increase if we do not put a stop to it now
would seem more fitting

The cause for obesity is known, and it is preventable. If the resources are available and there is a

Commented [da58]: Passive construction

Medical advancements

way to prevent this disease, the number of obese people in the United States should be

Commented [da59]: Redundant, omit one or the other.

decreasing. Unfortunately, this is not the case. With the rise of obesity in the United States, the
numbers in child obesity are also increasing.
The United States has been accepting child obesity rather than trying to prevent it. Child
obesity has resulted in a large amount of taxpayer money going towards medicine for the

Leng 12

treatment of its various health complications such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and
diabetes. The concern for the health of children and economic challenge of the United States
continues to persist because parents refuse to take control of their childs diet, the price of
healthy food versus fast food is unequal, and media continues to target young children. The
thought of obese children should be disturbing, but it is only becoming a norm of the United
States. In 2012, more than one third of children and adolescents were overweight or obese
(www.cdc.gov). Meaning that one in three children are obese, and in a classroom of eighteen,
six of the students are obese. A problem, to this extremity, will not have one single solution.

Commented [da60]: This should be combined with the

last sentence. As is, it is a fragment.

There will have to be multiple components to reduce the numbers of child obesity in America. A
solution to all these problems is far-fetched and cannot, and will not, happen overnight.
In Figure 2, this graph shows that from 1963-1965 only about five percent of children and

Commented [da61]: Same comment as above.

adolescents were obese, ranging from 6-11 years old. From 1971-1974, ages 2-5 and 12-19
categories were included in obesity and it had slightly raised. The graph depicts the significant
increase of child obesity from 1980-2008. In 2008, about twenty percent of children 6-19 were

Commented [da62]: All of these number ranges should

not be represented with hyphens. The numbers should be
written out
between ages two and five, twelve and nineteen, etc.

Leng 13

overweight and a little over ten percent of 2-5 year olds were overweight.

Figure 2.
An attempt to solve a nation-wide problem is almost guaranteed to require more money
to be spent. Right now the United States is spending about 147 billion dollars on medicine and
medical procedures for obese patients. Of that 147 billion dollars, about 14.1 billion is spent
directly from the government for child obesity care (www.cdc.gov). Yes, solving the problem of

Commented [da63]: Remove hyperlink

child obesity in the United States is going to cost more money upfront, but the long term effects

Commented [da64]: Personal commentary words are

unnecessary and detract from your flow.

will result in less tax payer money. Getting a program started will cost some extra money, but it

Commented [da65]: If such a solution costs more money,

where are we going to find this funding?

will result in less children being obese and starts becoming a domino effect. If there are less
obese children, then ten years from now there will be less obese adults. Thus, less tax payer
money will be going to medical procedures focused on obesity.
Getting rid of fast food completely, making children workout every day, and punishing
parents for not caring about their childs health are all obvious solutions to the increasing child

Commented [da66]: Remember, we do not want to

mandate anything or create any radical programs that
cannot be easily implemented WITHOUT research cost.

Leng 14

obesity rates. The problem with all of these solutions is that they are not going to happen. Fast
food has been around for decades and they are not willingly to shut down for the sake of other
peoples health. Children cannot be forced to work out every day, and parents will not be

Commented [da67]:
Commented [da68R67]: Subject verb agreement

punished for feeding their children the unhealthy food. The solution is going to have to start
small, within a community and, if it works, it will slowly start to spread.
As mentioned before, children do not have the mental capacity to understand the
consequences of eating junk food on a daily basis. Children cannot make themselves food. The
most they can do is say they do not like a certain type of food, but other than that, they eat
whatever is given to them. According to the article, Training Toddlers Taste Buds, it said that
the first three years of life are therefore crucial in determining childrens future food

Commented [da69]: Is this really true? Children have the

infinite capacity to learn everything. Perhaps we could make
an emphasis from an early age to teach kids the importance
of healthy eating. This notion that you are running with can
certainly be disproven. Make sure you have facts to support
this, because it is very easy to show children what is good
and what is not. It is more of a cultural and family issue
rather than a child-capacity issue.

preferences and eating patterns. Childrens eating habits are based on how they are raised from

Commented [da70]: PARANTHETICAL CITATION.

being a baby to a toddler. Between those two stages of a childs life, are the most critical.

Commented [da71]: What two stages?

Children learn right from wrong, what they do or do not like, and most importantly, it is when
their taste buds start to develop. If a child is exposed to sweet and salty foods at a young age,
chances are they are going to be drawn to those foods as they grow older. Unfortunately the taste
of sugars and fats is addicting, and it is difficult to have a small portion of junk food at once.
Thus, resulting in large food portions of high sodium and high sugar foods. Keeping foods with
high sodium and sugar away from children during their toddler years will assist in the lowering
of childhood obesity in the United States and future medical problems such as heart disease,
diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol.
In Figure 3, the graph represents the causes of death in 2010. Heart disease was the
leading cause of death in 2010 in the United States. Heart disease is the common disease that is

Commented [da72]: Same comment as before.

Leng 15

results from diabetes. With the number of obese children increasing, the number of deaths from
heart disease will also increase.

Figure 3
An example of a method starting within a single community is a program called Girls
on the Run. It is a twelve week program that allows girls from third grade to fifth grade or sixth
grade to eighth grade to participate in training for a five kilometer run at the end of the twelve
weeks. Along with training, they learn life lessons, like finding their inner strength. It was
established in North Carolina by Molly Barker in 1996. The year of 1996 13 girls showed up for
the twelve week program. Today, this program has over 150,000 girls participating in over 200
different cities across the United States. This program started in one community and resulted in a
nationwide success. It is not solving the problem of obesity entirely, but it is a simple step
towards it.

Commented [da73]: Proper punctuation here, please.

Leng 16

A more widespread solution is changing the dietary guidelines for school lunches. In
2008, the Institute of Medicine examined the content of school lunches across the United
States. They found that Children ate strikingly few fruits and vegetables, with little variety.
Potatoes accounted for one third of vegetable consumption. Intake of refined grains was high.
They found that about 80% of children consumed more saturated fat than recommended
(www.nejm.org). Recognizing this problem, it was obvious that something had to be changed.
Congress enacted the Healthy, Hunger-Free, Kids Act of 2010. This act ensured that schools
would have more healthy options for lunches, such as more fruits, vegetable, and whole grains.
This is an effective method of attempting to reduce child obesity, because in the United States
it is required of a child to go to school from the ages of 5-18 and lunch is given to these
students five days out of the week. It is not easy, but it is a simple and convenient solution for
the children, because if all their choices are healthy, there is not the chance of them eating
unhealthy at school. It is another step toward decreasing the amount of obese children in the
United States by limiting the amount of calories given to children.
Although there is an effort to improve the school lunches, the system still has its flaws.
James Oliver, an activist and chef, speaks at a Technology, Entertainment and Design (TED) talk
and expresses his thoughts about obesity and the school lunch system. School is there for
children of the United States so a child can learn life lessons and grow as a child. James Oliver
proposes that We've got to start teaching our kids about food in schools, periodThat means
that they can be students, young parents dive around the basics of cooking, no matter what
recession hits them next time. If you can cook, recession money doesn't matter. Knowing how
to cook is a basic component of ones life. Cooking is so vital to culture that it should never be

Leng 17

forgotten and replaced by fast food. Allowing children to learn how to cook in school will teach
them life skills and prepare them for their future. It will also provide an alternative to fast food.
If one cannot cook, they will be satisfied with buying fast food. This may seem plausible
because one has to eat to survive, but that is not the case if the food could potentially lead to
ones own death.
The solution to a large-scale problem like childhood obesity is not simple to find. It
requires time and effort that some people are not willing to sacrifice. There are numerous
organizations trying to tackle the same problem, and they understand that they are not going
to reach a solution all at once. Happening within one community and then eventually dispersing
the methods from one place to another is how the solution to a problem, like child obesity, is
Commented [da74]: All your font here is changed from
times new roman,

going to be established.

Work Cited
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1280362/
http://www.girlsontherun.org/Find-a-Council?state=CA
http://munews.missouri.edu/news-releases/2009/0701-gable-overweigh-kids.php
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/obesity_child_07_08/obesity_child_07_08.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/obesity/facts.htm
http://stateofobesity.org/facts-economic-costs-of-obesity/
http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm6208a8.htm
http://www.ted.com/talks/jamie_oliver/transcript?language=en
\

Leng 18

Ashley,
Overall your paper has come out to a strong beginning. There are some quick structural and
formatting errors throughout your paper however. I have noted them all in the comments, but I
will cover them again. First of all, your heading should be double spaced and in Times new
Roman, as well as your heading with your last name and page number. Make sure to change this
simple things before you submit for your next draft. Your title should be the same font size as the
rest of your paper and it should NOT be underlined. It should be uniform with the rest of your
paper and not stand out. Your title is very interesting. I think it could be worded a little
differently to flow a little better and be a little more catchy, but overall, it is very interesting and
draws me in as a reader. Make sure when you click Paragraph, you click the box that says do
not add any additional space in between paragraphs. This adds the additional space when ever
you hit enter to start a new paragraph. Additionally, you MUST have parenthetical citations
whenever you have quotations. This is absolutely mandatory and could possibly result in you
immediately failing your paper. Make sure your Works Cited page is also formatted properly
with MLA citations. I am almost certain that most of your sources were not cited, so make sure
you have Works Referenced page as well to include all of your sources that you referenced to
form your opinion, but did not directly cite.
There were not too many grammatical errors throughout your essay. There were some subjectverb agreement issues that I found and highlighted throughout the essay, but overall, nothing too
bad. There were some gross errors also that should be fixed and found easily in a quick revision.
You did a good job of avoiding passive-construction, one of my biggest pet peeves. Your overall
tone is active and helps keep me, as a reader, interested and reading your paper. Just make sure
to proofread your paper and read it out loud before you submit for more drafts and for your final
paper.
Overall, I believe the main area for improvement for your paper is within the presentation of
your information. The introduction was good and helped draw the reader into the paper.
However, there needs to be more consequence analysis within your paper. You do a good job of
analyzing your graphs, but the quotes you inserted into your essay are sort of hanging and have
no sustenance behind them. Make sure you analyze these quotes and use them to help your
argument instead of drag you down. The graphs were good and helped visualize the magnitude
of this problem. I think overall, your presentation was decent, but you could do more as far as
discussing health consequences, social consequences, and other things that could affect the child
in the future. Why is it important to fix the issue from the beginning? Is this something that is a
societal problem or is it because of the economy? Some things to think about! Good luck with
your next draft!
Dan