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I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?'
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and
kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into
heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'. I was just bursting with pride
for them.
After getting all of Pope Benedicts luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
doesnt travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, Would you please take your seat
so we can leave?
Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the
Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.
Im sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if
something should happen? protests the driver, wishing hed never gone to work
that morning..
Who's going to tell? says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is
German..)
Please slow down, Your Holiness! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, Im going to lose my license -- and my job! moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that hes stopped a limo going
205 kph.
So bust him, says the Chief.
I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, All the more reason!
No, I mean really important, said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, Who do you have there, the mayor?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: A senator?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: The Prime Minister?
Cop: Bigger.
Well, said the Chief, who is it?
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, What makes you think its God?
There were two golfers on the golf course. One of the men
pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light. His
friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
- "Woah, where did you get such a large Bic?"
- "Oh, my genie got it for me."
- "Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
- "He is in my golf bag."
- "Can I see him?"
So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie. The
man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would
you grant me just one wish?"
The genie says "yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a
million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without
saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it
gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks.
He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your
genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a
million Ducks."
"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?
GHOST SEX
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever
touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to
have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and
tell us about your experience.'
The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from
anal sex?'
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to
be at least 8 characters long.
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens