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How to Deal With a Codependent Family Member: 7 steps

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HowtoDealWithaCodependentFamily
Member
Codependencyseemstobethisgeneration'sbane,yetmany
peoplewouldstillhaveahardtimedefiningtheword
"codependency".Longanarealefttopsychiatry,its
prominencetodaysuggestsanepidemicstatus.Whilemany
definitionsexist,codependencycouldbeconsideredas"non
maturedpersonalinteractions",oftenpassedthrough
generationswithinfamilies.
Whileourverynatureassocialbeingsmeansthatweareall
interdependent,mostorevenallofuscanbedrawninto
codependentbehaviorsoutofhabitoradesiretogetalong.
Unfortunately,thisproclivitycanreinforceabusive,
manipulative,andevendestructivebehavior.Having
personallyrecognizedandescapedcodependency,howdoes
onedealwithfamilymemberswhohavenot?

Aaargh!Change!

Steps

Understandwhyyoucan't"cure"familymembersofcodependency.Thereareas
manyfactorsinvolvedhereastherearetypesofpeople.Youmayhavebroughtupthe
subjectwithoneorallofyourcodependentfamilymembersandbeensurprisedthatthey
weren'tthrilledbyorevenreceptivetoanapparent"cure"forwhatailsthem.
Partoftheanswertothatliesinindividualpsychesandcopingmethods.Whileyoumay
haverefusedtocontinueusingthisunsatisfyingandultimatelyunsuccessfulmethodof
relatingtopeople,yourfamilymembersareinadifferentplace.Theymayfeelorbelieve
thattheyaregettingalongjustfinewithyouandwithanyoneelse.
Itissimplymorecodependentbehaviortotryanddragthemintoanunderstanding
similartoyours.Infact,it'sprobablybestifyoudon'tevenmentiontheword
"codependent".Expectingafamilymembertoseetheirbehaviorasa"disorder"can
makethingsworse.
Unfortunately,yourfamilymemberisprobablynotgoingtoseeka"cure"untilthey,
too,feelthattherearenootheroptions.Afterall,thisistheirbasicwayofcopingand
"living".Itworkswellforthemtheymanipulate,andyoureactsothey'renotgoing
towanttoaltertheirfunctioningstrategyafteralittletalk.

Recognizethatjustbeingyourunmovable,
unshakable,unmanipulatableselfwillhave
animpactonyourfamily.Whileyoumaynever
changeafamilymember'scodependency,your
choicetogetcomfortablewiththatfactwillbring
aboutthegreatestshift.Mentioningorpreaching
aboutcodependency,orleavingbooksonthe
subjectlyingaroundprobablywon'twork.
Youaredealingwithhumannaturehere,andsuch
attempts,whilegoodhearted,arethemselvesmore
codependency.
Itisusuallywhenyougiveuptryingtochange
someoneelsethatchange,forthem,begins.[1]

Alltheselfhelpguidesintheworld
won'thelp,iftheycan'tbebotheredto
readthem

Seethatitwilltakethemevenlongertochange
thanittookyou,becausetheyarenotpurposefullyparticipatingintheprocess.Eventhen,
itmaytakeyoulongerthanyouexpectdon'tforgetthatyourinteractionsarehabits,too.

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How to Deal With a Codependent Family Member: 7 steps

Developlessemotionallychargedwaystosay
"no".Abigpartofcodependentrelationshipsis
familiarity,and"buttonpushing".Asanon
codependent,youaredevelopingboundaries
wheretherewerenoneitmayhelptodistance
yourselffromthefamilymemberthatyouaremost
codependentwith(therealwaysseemstobea
primaryone),oreachmemberintheirownway.
Thenseektoreestablishcontactonyourterms.
Andbeawarethatthisdistancingandreengaging
couldoccurwithasinglefamilymemberseveral
timesinaday,orevenwithinanhour.

Ahno,asyoucansee,I'mkinda
busyrightnow...

Whileyourinitialrejectionsofafamilymember'smanipulative,codependentbehavior
towardyouareapttobequiteemotionallycharged,understandthatdevelopingan
emotionallyevenkeeledandacceptableresponse(fromyourself,andrecognizing
thattheirresponsesareentirelyuptothem)iswhatyou'regoingfor.Youareinan
emotionallysuperiorpositionnow,buthaveundoubtedlyalreadygraspedthat
displayingyoursuperioritypridefullyisnotthewaytogo.
Evenaresponselike,"sinceyouputitthatway,no",poorlydelivered,ispossibly
effectiveinthemoment,butultimatelyjusthurtful,andwilljustslowtheirprocess
down.
Themosteffectiveresponsesseemtobenonemotional,similartocalmresponses
suchas:"Sorry,Ijustwouldn'tbecomfortabledoingthat",or"Yes,Iseethatyou
don'thavethesamepointofviewwearenotcommunicating".Thiscanbedifficult
forthenewlynoncodependent,buttrytoseethatasanadultyoudon'towe
anyoneanexplanation.
"No"isnotadirtyword.Itjusthasnegativeconnotations,especiallytoachild.
Toanadult,ifitistheappropriateanswer,itisthebestanswer.
Recognizethatfreedomfromcodependenceallowsanenormouslywiderange
ofhonestanswers.Incontrast,acodependentwillinvariablyfollowanarrow
pathincommunicating(basedonexperience,youcanoften"writethescript",
verbatim,beforehand).Responsesthatmaybeineffectiveinsomesituation
suchasthepreviouslymentioned,"Sinceyouputitthatway,no"canbe
perfectlyacceptable.
Understandthatifyoucomefromacodependentfamilyyouhavebeenpracticinga
formof"violentcommunication"likelyforyourwholelife.Lookinto"NonViolent
Communication",andgiveitachancethisishowmaturepeopletalktoeachother,
inspirit.PracticeNonviolentCommunication.
Ifyouareaminor,yourbestpathmaybetoexpressdisagreementwithoutrancor
whilestilldisplayingthedesiretogetalongandwithoutanydesiretocausea
problem.Sincethisseemswhollyinadequatetosomesituations,therearepossible
dramaticchangessuchasseekingtostaywithadifferentfamilymember,oreven
seekingfosterhomes.Butthese"cures"canbeverydisruptive.You'reprobably
betterofflearningtodeflectthecodependentbehaviorthantorunawayfromthe
placethatisalsoyourhome.Eventually,yourpersonalskilldevelopmentbydoingso
willlikelybeofgreaterbenefit.

Expectchangetobeslow.Changeincodependentbehaviorcomesslowly,buthave
faiththatyourattitudeisbringingaboutprofoundchanges.Takecarethoughsometimes
itisevenpossiblethatyourchangeinreactionstocodependentbehaviormayincite
anger,andverbalorevenphysicalviolencetowardyoufromanotherfamilymember.
Understandthatoftenabigcomponentincodependencyisfear.
Thefactthatyoushowyourselfpreparedforvolatilereactionsbeforehand,readyto
takeaverbalblow,even,withoutanysubstantialchangeinyourdemeanor(youare
nolongerbeingmentally"blownaboutbyeverywind"),willbenotedbythe
codependentanditwillhaveitseffect.Mostpeopleresorttoviolentreactions
sourcedfromtheirownfear,andyourdisplayedlackoffearisfrighteningtothem.

Realizethatthebestwaytodealwithcodependencyistogetawayfromit.Agood
waytoconsideranother'scodependencyistoseeitasatypeofselfishtantrum.While
fromtheirperspectiveit'snotnecessarilyemotionallychargedinthatway,forthemithas
beenthehabitofyears.Thatcanchangeinthefaceofyournewfoundcenteredness,but
youarebasicallydealingwithanemotionaladolescentachild,nomatterwhatage.

ThankOur
Volunteer
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How to Deal With a Codependent Family Member: 7 steps

Authors.
Givethisarticlea+1.

OfcourseIwentfishing
alone!Ican'tbewaitingaround
allday...

Remainingtheadultinthesituationwhichincludesnotintentionallydisplayingany
childish"superiority"isgoingtoprovetobethemosteffectivewaytodealwitha
codependentfamilymember.
Seethatyouarebeingwatchedinanewway.Don'tbeafraidtodeclineinvitations
thatyoumighthavepreviouslyacceptedforcodependentreasons(orviceversa),
andhavealoving,trueanswerpreparedforifyouaredeclining.
Youhaveachievedapearlofwisdomatgreatcosttotheemotionaltollwreakedby
codependency.Codependentsnaturallyhavelittleappreciationforsuchthings.The
bestapproachtomakethemawareofthisisactuallytonottalktoomuchaboutit,
evenwhenpressedasstrangeasthatmaysound.Beingupfrontaboutitdidn't
work.Butmakingitseem"mysterious",orsomethingthatyouappeartothinkthey
wouldnotbeinterestedin(again,withoutgetting"superior"aboutit),seemstobe
onegoodwaytoinfluenceafamilymember.Thisisalsosimplythechoicetoactwith
emotionalmaturityrespectingothers'boundariesregardingtheirinterests.

Treatotherfamilymembersasiftheyareemotionallymature.Recognizethatyou
havealsolikelyspentmostofyourlifebeingcodependent,manipulative,andsoforth.
Practicingemotionalmaturitywithmembersofyourfamilyisthebestthingforyouandfor
them.Youcanstill"bethere"forfamilymembers,butinamorematureandmutually
fulfillingway.
Thismeansjustaskingforsomething.Previouslyyoumighthavefeltobligatedto
manipulateoroffersomedeal.Notethatyouarenowcombatingcodependent
behaviorswhichwerelikelyyourown,aswell,withmatureones.Whilethismaybe
toughforyouthefirstfewtimes,theresponseisusuallysosurprisingthatitquickly
becomeseasierthenewnorm.
Beawarethatthetemptationtoletthemseeyoubeing"thematureone"maybe
intenseatfirst,andpossiblyinescapablerecognizethatthiswillbeevidentanyway
andrefrainingfromdoingthisovertly(totheextentyouareable)isthebestwayto
go.

Recognizethatcodependencemaybeanissuewhereyouarethe"child"andyour
parents(oftenparentswhohavealwaysfeltentitledtoeverything)areoftenthe
immature,codependentones.Understandthatthey,likeyou,areaproductoftheir
generationand,likeyou,theyarefollowingtheirprogramming.
Itwastaughttoyourparentsfromtheirparents,whogotitfromtheirparents,andsoon.
Youareintheluckypositionofdeprogrammingfromcodependency.Whileitcanbe
frustrating,recognizethatyourparentsdidn'tdoanything"wrong",andthatmaturelove
forthemwhilestillrefusingunequivocallytoparticipateincodependentbehavior,will
slowlymovethemalong.
Understandalsothatinthiscase,beingyounger,yourmindismorepliablethanyour
parentsyoumayhavelearnedtorejectcodependentbehaviorbuttheyhavelikely
neverknownanythingelse."Children"oftenviolentlyresistlessonsthattheyneed
themost.Asmuchaspossible,havecompassion.Notealsothatcompassioncanbe
interpretedaspity,andcodependentsaresensitivetothis.Ultimately,worktoward
buildingmature,lovingrelationships.

RelatedwikiHows
HowtoAvoidCodependentRelationships

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How to Deal With a Codependent Family Member: 7 steps

HowtoTellifYouAreCodependent
HowtoDealWithanExtremelyCodependentFamily
HowtoMediateFamilyArguments
HowtoDealWithDifficultFamilyMembersWithoutResortingtoViolence
HowtoBeWithYourFamily

SourcesandCitations
Partiallybasedupon:MelodyBeattie,CodependentNoMore:HowtoStopControllingOthers
andStartCaringforYourself(Publisher:Hazelden,1986)ISBN9780894864025
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stan_Katz isalinktoStanKatz,whowrote"Codependency
Conspiracy"withAimeeLiuwrittenmorewithaneyetohelpingchronic12steppers.This
bookmanagestoberelevantwithouthardlybeingaboutcodependency(asadisease)atall
andthatmaybethepoint.
1. Vicki'sKitchen,"Stoptryingtochangetheotherperson",
http://www.vickiskitchen.com/blog/2010/11/03/Stoptryingtochangetheotherperson.aspx

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