FamilyMatters

North Star ™

February
To Inspire Conscious Parenting and Empowered Kids

Kids

The Gift
Within

Double
Families

Games &
Brain Teasers

Empowering Embracing Expanded

Parents Education Change Families
 P
K Who We Are
We are three people with a passion
Our Beliefs

for empowering kids; a single mother

who decided to do something
different than her parents did, her
daughter who knows what it is to
be an empowered kid and grow into
an empowered adult, and a man who
found and cared for an abandoned
baby on the streets of India when he
was a teenager, and still dreams of
helping kids. That’s why we’re here
every month, to share our passion
and offer inspiration. We know that
parenting is more than just feeding
and protecting. Conscious parenting
is about commitment, inspiration,
and empowerment. We are here to
support you in the parenting process
and to support your kids in realizing
their full potential.

Our Beliefs
• Every child is born with an innate curiosity and love of learning.
• Every child is unique and his/her individuality is valuable to the family and to the world.
• Every child is born with unbounded potential.
• Every child can have high self-esteem, be self-motivated, and respectful of themselves and
others if given the appropriate tools and experiences.
• How we treat our toddlers and children today has a direct influence on their self-opinion
and the choices they will make as teenagers and young adults of the future.
• Parents have the single most important influence on children’s lives.
• The future is unlimited when our thoughts, feelings, and actions are in alignment with our
intentions.
Accordingly, As Parents, It Is Our Responsibility To:
• Support our children’s unique talents and abilities.
• Foster our children’s innate curiosity and love of learning.
• Empower our children to make meaningful decisions every day.
• Remind our children that their futures are full of possibilities.
• Acknowledge that parenting is as much a learning process for us as for our children.
 P
At a Glance: K
Parents “ P ” for Parents

Table of Contents
“ K ” for Kids

6 The Gift Within

By Larry Davis

8 Empowering Education:
It’s Up To Us
By Rhonda Stone

12 Sweet Dreams with EFT

By Syandra Ingram

16 Embracing Change
By Sharon Becker

18 Expanded Families
By Sue Woodward

20 Time Out, Dad

By Kurt Hines

22 The Sue-Lution Place

By Sue Woodward

24 Guided By NSFM
By Tanessa Dillard Noll

26 “I Am” Affirmations
By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione

Kids

6 The Gift Within

By Larry Davis

10 Know When to Go
By Laurice Bray

14 Double Families
By Krista L. Morse

28 Games
30 Coloring Page
31 Answers to January’s Games North Star Family Matters | February 3
 K
P
K
From Us to You
From Us to You

“Our most basic instinct is not for survival, but, for

family.  Most of us would give our own life for the
survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life,
too often, as if we take our family for granted.” 
--Paul Pearshall

Dear Parents & Kids,

We try to express our appreciation on a daily basis,
wendy@northstarfamilymatters.com
but in case we need a little reminder of the power
of love and appreciation, here, in the midst of win-
ter, we find ourselves surrounded by hearts. So this
Valentine’s Day, let each heart remind us to connect
to our own hearts, open up to the love within, and strengthen those heart
connections with the ones we love, and those who can use some love.
Whether parent or adult, married, or single, take this day as a chance to
express our appreciation and love to each other in fun, creative ways.

When we make it a priority, we can find time for a moment of peace and
sue@northstarfamilymatters.com appreciation for the lives we lead. What wonderful things are going on
in your life or with your family? We’d love to hear more of your success
stories.

Let us clarify what we mean by success. Success is the ability to take what
life brings and learn from our experiences, rebuilding each day with resil-
ience based on knowing that life is always changing. This may be the single
most important lesson our kids can ever learn.

prem@northstarfamilymatters.com
Every day the world changes in ways we couldn’t have ever imagined. WE
cannot possibly know how to prepare our kids for the future, and so in-
stead, we must empower them with confidence in their own ability to face
the unknown, make good decisions, and make the most of every day, at
home and at school.

You can do it. We’re here to help.

Warmest Regards,
The Team at North Star Family Matters

P.S.-- Don’t forget to find our four “Follow the North Star” stars hidden in this
month’s issue. They look like this: . (But that one doesn’t count!)

4 North Star Family Matters | February

 From You to Us K
P
K

From You to Us
What readers are saying...
Editor-In-Chief “Hi, my mom just brought me your wonderful magazine and I’m interested in the
Creative Director promotion you are having. We have over 1000 anglophone families with small children
Wendy Garrido
in this area and I think several of them would be interested in your magazine. Can you
Managing Editor
Sue Woodward tell me more about the promotion? Thanks a lot!”
Operations Manager Lisa, Switzerland
Prem Carnot
National Outreach Director I wanted to tell you that this magazine is so amazing!! This weekend my blended family
Kimberly Bray climbed amazing mountains because of the techniques, stories, and articles in the
Proofreading magazine. I even saw my soon-to-be step-daughter having a major meltdown (while I
Rhonda Stone kept my cool) and she just sat on the floor crying until she grabbed an issue of NSFM
JoAnn Ray
Don Garrido and began reading an article she really liked and related to, Santa Fe Sisters. I swear it
Jamie Bailey calmed her right down before my very eyes and helped her to get her focus.
Contributing Writers Also, I feel better about my parenting skills after this weekend. My almost step-
Steve Viglione
Dee Tadlock, Ph.D. daughter has said that she was not ready for us to get married (even though she loves
Rhonda Stone me dearly, it’s two separate things). I told her that I’m going to continue to be happy
Susan Stiffelman about getting married whether or not she is okay with it (which seemed to surprise
Dr. Marilyn Powers
Tanessa Dillard Noll her tremendously), and that if she changed her mind and ever felt like she was ready for
Krista B. Morse, age 10 us to get married she could feel free to tell us, but that it was not a requirement of us
Syandra Ingram getting married.
Kurt Hines
Larry Davis Last night before bed she said,“I have something important to tell you--I’m okay with
Laurice Bray you and Dad getting married. And also, I would like it if Brandon and I could be more
Sharon Becker
involved with the wedding. It feels like you and Dad are making a lot of plans and we’re
Empowered Kid
Consultants not really involved that much. And also, I was wondering if we could have a family
Sasha, 14; Quinn, 5; honeymoon before the wedding, since Brandon and I
Mary Margaret, 7; won’t be going to Mexico with you and Dad on your
Kevin, 8; Josh, 12; honeymoon?”
Isabelle, 10; Fisher, 13;
Divya, 6; Brianna, 10; YES,YES,YES!!!! So we made a list of things that she
Beverly, 6; Alison, 13
and Brandon could be involved with to start with
Conscious Parenting this week, and we’re planning a small family vacation
Consultants
Wendy Y., Pamela, “honeymoon.” Who would have thought??
Laurie, Laura,
Jon, Don, It may seem like small things to an outsider…
Diana, Cindy but trust me when I tell you that it’s HUGE in this
family. This painful back and forth drama could have
North Star Family Matters
PO Box 7306 continued for months if she hadn’t been encouraged
Olympia, WA 98507 to listen to her feelings and trust that she had the
(888) 360-0303 answers inside of her. All those things are new to her.
Midwest Office: Kim, MI
7627 S. Dune Hwy.
Empire, MI 49630
(888) 228-4492
www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com

North Star Family Matters | February 5

 P
K
The Gift
Passion Matters

Within
A Read-Aloud For Parents & Kids

By Larry Davis

As an Education Advocate, my work and passion focuses upon gaining an understanding of each child. This
process of discovery uncovers the truth, which always evolves from the belief that “Every child is a blessing.”
Within the mosaic of life, each child has the potential to contribute in immeasurable ways and it is our job as
parents and advocates to help them discover their unique gifts. Like a detective, love for our children takes
us on an adventure, asking us to notice each detail, nuance, and new discovery of who they truly are. In the
words of Thich Nhat Hanh, “True love is understanding.” Within the context of special needs children, some-
times the mystery reveals itself in most unusual ways, as demonstrated in this true story about a boy I know
called James.

M  y name is James and I remember I never

felt quite right about myself when I was
young. I was constantly examined, evalu-
ated, and assessed by teachers and medi-
cal staff, who treated me as broken and obviously “not
right.” In elementary school they seemed to think I was
mildly retarded, because I didn’t speak or do much of any-
thing. I just sat in class, taking up space. To me there was
nothing of interest in the classroom. Nothing caught my
attention, so I just closed down emotionally and mentally.
At home I was alive and thriving. My life was filled with
Legos, puzzles, Transformers and gadgets that I loved to
design, put together, and work with. After kindergarten,
not many of the activities in school are hands-on, which
might explain why I closed down. Eventually, I was placed
in special classes for developmentally delayed students,
which caused me to shut down even more. School con-
tinued to be a nightmare. And, yet, after school I con-
tinued to create incredible designs, build Lego creations,
and make up complex battles between toy soldiers. Even
though I was quiet at school, after school I would talk
about my passion for hours on end to anyone who would
listen. Mostly it was my mother who took the time to
hear my thoughts and ideas. She cared about what mat-
tered to me and never gave up on me
As I entered adolescence, my passivity at school shifted
to intense frustration, and my frustration evolved into
extremely rebellious anger. So they changed the devel-
opmentally delayed diagnosis to manic depressive, then
bi-polar, and finally oppositional defiance, whatever that
meant. Then they added an obsessive-compulsive disor-
der and, by the end of my failed high school career, my last
IEP (Individualized Education Plan) documented a wide
range of health impairments, now including ADHD! I was
labeled and relabeled, but never understood. Through-
out my years at school there was not one person who

6 North Star Family Matters | February


took the time to connect with my
passion. Instead, they judged me for
what was “wrong” with me, without
ever judging the effectiveness of their
own treatments and diagnoses, which
never worked! No one cared or
understood what made me tick, they
just wanted me to fit into some box.
My mom was a struggling single
parent and did everything she could
to keep our ship afloat, which meant
she often trusted the schools to
know what was in my best inter-
est. No matter what terrible things
they told my mom about my “condi-
tion” or behaviors, she remained on
my side and continued to have faith
in me. She never blamed me and,
because of that, I never gave up on
myself.
A few years after high school,
something happened that changed
my life. It was one of those things
that we say are coincidences, and yet
we know they are something more.
I was watching television and saw a
documentary about “Asperger’s Syn-
drome,” a form of Autism. I couldn’t
turn it off. I yelled for my mom,
“Mom, come out here and listen to
this guy! He sounds just like me!”
We listened to the whole show
and it was as if someone was spying
on me because he seemed to know
all my weird quirks, obsessions, and
behaviors exactly! After twenty-one
years it felt like “a shining light…after
years of darkness.” The next week
we made an appointment with a clini-
cal psychologist and from that point
on my life changed. All the medica-
tions I had been on were discontin-
ued and we started new therapies for
Asperger’s.
A few months later a friend of mine
suggested I apply for a position in the
custodial department of a local com-
pany that made labeling devices, think-
ing I would succeed with the simple
tasks of maintenance. I went and
applied for the position but it meant
I had to take a test. I hated tests!
They brought back all my frustrations
from school because I assumed I’d be
judged by how I did on paper. Dur-
ing the testing my frustration showed
Throughout my years at
school there was not
one person who took the
time to connect with
my passion... No one
cared or understood
what made me tick,
they just wanted me to
fit into some box.
itself, putting me in an agitated state
for the interview. Sensing my discom-
fort, at the end of the interview the
woman asked me what I like to do at
home in my spare time. Well, this put
me in my comfort zone and I spent
forty-five minutes describing my
Transformer collection, my Legos, and
my passion for fixing things, especially
anything resembling a gadget.
“James, we not only make labeling
machines, but we also service broken
ones,” the woman said. “We desper-
ately need someone to work the ser-
vice desk. You have to be able to fix
things, be good with your hands, have
a fascination with how things work,
and then be able to fix them.”
I said, “That’s me! I can do all those
things.” And that was the start of my
North Star Family Matters | February
P
career. I have been with the company K
ever since, and this experience has
Passion Matters
helped me build the self-confidence
that eluded me for years. I discov-
ered my gifts within because, when
I spoke about my passion, someone
was willing to listen and find a way
to value what I loved to do. I am still
with the company and it feels won-
derful to be contributing my gifts in
a way that helps others, and earn a
good living.
Now I speak at the local Autism
Support group so that I can help
others in discovering their gifts.
We all have gifts. They are just sit-
ting there, inside of every one of us,
waiting for someone to stop say-
ing, “What’s wrong with you?” and
instead say, “What is it that you love
and are meant to do?” Ask for what
you need to be a success. You de-
I
serve it.
About the Author:
Larry serves families as an Educa-
tional Advocate with expertise in
special education planning and IEP
negotiations. His book, Inspired Ad-
vocacy, will be published this year.
SpecialEducationAdvocacy.org
7
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Education Matters
Empowering Education:
It’s Up To Us
This article is the third part of our nine-part series on Empowering Education.
M  ore than twenty years ago I was employed
as a public information officer for a me-
dium-size school system that was one of
hundreds of districts across the country at-
tempting to implement school change. Back then, educators
were learning about “outcomes-driven education” (teaching
to specific curriculum objectives), “learning styles” (there
are three basic ways that we learn), “ongoing assessment”
(making sure students know the material before they move
to more complex concepts), and “individualized learning”
(every student needs the encouragement and opportunity
to grow their own knowledge). These four things were sup-
posed to make sweeping improvements for students in the
classroom.
Fast-forward to 2008. The schools I used to work with—
and schools across the country—are still struggling with
the same core issue: Large numbers of students perform-
ing poorly in school. When so much effort has gone into
school improvement for so long, why are so many children
and teens still struggling to be successful?
The answer likely comes down to the fact that humans
are creatures of subconscious “habit”—and “habit” is hard-
wired into our brains. “Change” requires re-wiring how we
think and function—and I’m not talking about students! I’m
8 North Star Family Matters | February
By Rhonda Stone
talking about the adults that influence children’s lives.
The Paradox Facing Schools
Most adults in America have grown up in the teacher-driv-
en classroom in which teachers give information and assign-
ments with much of the activity focused on declarative facts,
rather than skills that must be constructed by students. This
idea of education is, in essence, “hard-wired” into our brains.
When we think of “learning,” however, two different pic-
tures typically come to mind: Someone telling us what to
do (which is typical of declarative knowledge and classroom
learning) and a mental picture of figuring out how to do
something for ourselves (which involves constructing our
own knowledge such as the way we might teach ourselves
to ride a bike).
Therein rests a paradox: If we are hard-wired to think of
“school” as teacher-directed, but learning is in truth “figur-
ing out” how to do something for ourselves, what does
this mean for children? Might it explain why, in spite of
widespread efforts to improve education, there will always
be large numbers of children who struggle? Might some
children be hard-wired to think of learning as requiring an
external force (i.e. a teacher), rather than wholly dependent
upon their own empowered learning ability?

Children: Their Own
Best Teachers
Classroom learning was never easy
for my two children and it took me
years to understand why. Before they
started school, Kate and JP hit all of the
milestones right on time. Yet, when they
started school and teachers wanted
them to learn to read and write, they
both struggled. As they struggled, both
came to believe that learning was, essen-
tially, teacher directed. Their concept of
“learning” had become dependent upon
the actions of their teachers rather than
their independent ability to help them-
selves! If I had understood this when
my children first began to struggle, their
experience would have been different.
Rather than rely upon teachers to know
how to help my children, I would have
spent more time with Kate and JP, help-
ing them figure out for themselves how
to improve and feel successful. I now
understand that all adults—including
parents and teachers—need to see
themselves as facilitators of empowered,
self-directed learning. The “outcomes,”
“learning styles,” and “assessments”
that continue to be discussed in educa-
tion may be interesting ideas, but they
do not hold a candle to individualized
learning and an empowered mind!
Children are their own best teachers
and, wonderfully, parents can support
self-directed learning by encouraging
children and teens to figure out how to
get what they need from every learn-
ing opportunity. Neither parents nor
teachers can force knowledge and skills
on students; every student must con-
struct their own knowledge for them-
selves. Pushing children too hard and
too far may result in “abandonment”,
that self-defeating place we come to
when we think that it is impossible to
learn something. Imagine what life in
school would be like if nearly every
subject seemed “impossible”. The rate
of abandonment would be extremely
high—and poor school performance
in every subject would result. Confi-
dence is the antidote to abandonment.
P
Believing that we can overcome difficult
tasks with effort has the power to get
Education Matters
us through most things in life. It can’t
be “taught,” but it can be encouraged.
Keeping positive in the face of difficulty
is, in itself, an empowering trait, and
every one of us—educators and parents
alike—has the ability to model it for our
teens and children.
Confident students are able to learn
in teacher-directed classes. They ask
questions regularly, pursue help when
needed, and naturally and without think-
ing take charge of their own learning.
Students who struggle may be waiting
for teachers or parents to “fix” what-
ever it is that they don’t know.
Times Have Changed—But
How We Learn Hasn’t
Twenty years later I look in the mir-
ror and I know times have changed.
I have deeper laugh-lines and a few
gray hairs and—oh yes—a very fluffy
mid-section. Many things have changed
through the years, but there is absolute-
ly nothing new about how we learn. We
teach ourselves. Yet, because schools
have been heavily focused on teacher-
driven declarative learning for 150 years,
this reality may be widely overlooked or
misunderstood.
As a parent, it is essential to under-
stand how you are “hard-wired” to view
learning. Do you think that it requires
“telling” children what they need to
know and do? Or, do you understand
that all learning is self-directed? Change
this one idea in your own mind and you
may dramatically change how you work
with and encourage your children. It
may be the key you need to unleash
your own child’s empowered mind. I
About the Author:
Rhonda is a nationally published
author on visual processing prob-
lems, a co-author on how children
learn, and an advocate for chil-
dren’s learning issues. She resides
in Shelton, Washington with her
husband and their two children.
North Star Family Matters | February 9
 Know
P
K
Empowered Kids
When
to Go
I 
A Read-Aloud For Parents & Kids
t was a typical Saturday morning in Wisconsin, very cold
with lots of snow. Ten-year-old Breck and his mother,
Stephanie, woke up early Sunday morning to go to the
grocery store. The weatherman was predicting a big
snowstorm heading their way, and they wanted to make
sure that they had enough bread, milk, and eggs in the house,
just in case they couldn’t get out for a day or so. They
bundled up in warm clothes and drove off in their car to the
closest market. On the way there, Breck was thinking how
much fun he’d be having on his new snowboard, especially if
they closed school on Monday! He could hardly wait.
After getting a few groceries, he helped his mom put them
into the trunk of their SUV, while the wind howled around
them and the snow, which had already started to fall, swirled
over the pavement.
“I’ll bet this is going to be a real snow storm,” said Stepha-
nie. “I can almost feel it. The snow wasn’t supposed to start
until this afternoon, so it’s good we were able to get to the
store early, isn’t it?”
Breck nodded and they both got into the car, ready to
head home and wait out the storm. Their house wasn’t far
away—just a few blocks and they’d soon be home. As they
turned onto the last main road before their street, there
were cars scattered all over the intersection, rolling slowly
along in no real pattern. Breck looked up through the car
window and noticed that the traffic light at the corner
wasn’t working. The light just hung there, swinging back and
10 North Star Family Matters | February
By Laurice Bray
forth in the wind—no lights at all. As they pulled up to the
intersection, Breck began to get a little nervous. Cars were
creeping up to the intersection slowly, and then making their
way across, one after another. They were criss-crossing
through the intersection. It seemed like some cars were
barely missing each other because they didn’t know when
to go through.
Breck looked at his mom, but she didn’t seem nervous at
all. While they were stopped behind another car, she looked
at Breck and smiled. “Breck, the power’s out and the traffic
light isn’t working. We’ll just have to decide when the time
is right to go through.”
Breck said, “Mom, how will we know when to go? How
do you know someone else won’t go at the same time?”
“Everyone knows that the traffic light isn’t working, so
they’ll be more aware, and be kind and considerate of each
other. We all know we have to look out for one another in
order to stay safe.”
Breck looked out the window, and he realized that his
mother was right. People were smiling in their cars, and
they were motioning with their hands so that the person in
the car next to them knew it was okay to start going. If a
couple of cars got too close, they smiled and one of them
gave way. No one was honking, or yelling at someone to
“hurry up,” or making angry gestures. Everyone seemed to
be doing just fine.
“Gosh, Mom,Why don’t people act like this all the time?”
 P
“Breck, we all have everything we as if to say, “Please, go right ahead.” “Hey, Breck! The snow is great! I’ll K
need to make the best decisions all Stephanie smiled and waved back, and show you guys how it’s done,” said

of the time. It’s nice that we have
stoplights to help us—they provide
order—but, when we don’t have them,
we’ll figure out other ways to make
good decisions. If we’re patient, calm,
and loving, we’ll know just what to do
instead of being mad or getting ner-
vous because we’re unsure. So, why
don’t you tell me how you think we
should do this?”
Breck thought a minute and said,
“Should we just try to see whose turn
is next by who got there first? Then, if
it looks safe we start off.”
“I think that sounds good. I’m sure
everyone is going to help us out, and
we’ll help them, too.”
“I think that red car got to the in-
tersection right before we did and it’s
about to cross…I think it might be our
turn next.”
“Well, there’s only one way to find
out,” said Stephanie, as she looked left,
then right, then in front, then in the
rearview mirror. Another car pulled
out slowly at the same time but the
man waved his hand at Breck’s mother
pulled out carefully into the intersec-
tion. She kept going safely all the way
down the street, and they turned into
their driveway just as the snow really
started to come down heavily. She
pulled to a stop and hugged Breck, add-
ing, “You were a big help today, and I’m
so happy you were with me. Wasn’t
it great to see everybody working to-
gether to do the right thing?”
“It sure was. I wish people would
treat each other like that all the time.”
Stephanie smiled and said, “Yep, so do
I. All it takes is the desire to be kind
and do what is in the best interest of
everyone in a caring way.”
On Monday morning, school was
closed because of the snowstorm, just
as Breck had hoped. He was so excit-
ed he could hardly stand it. He put on
his jacket, hat, and gloves and carried
his snowboard up to the hill near his
home. Five of his buddies were already
there, playfully pushing and shoving
each other, all jockeying for position
at the top to see who would go down
the hill first.
Empowered Kids
Carlos, pushing his way forward to be
the first down the hill.
“No way, Carlos!” said BJ shoving
back. “I will show YOU how it’s done.”
“Hey, guys,” said Breck, musing at his
friends’ eagerness and thinking about
the stoplight. “I have an idea. Let’s take
turns going first and the leader will do
some move that the rest of us have to
try.”
Breck’s friends agreed and it all fell
into place, just like at the intersection.
He could hardly wait to get home to
tell his mom how he got his friends to
work together! Tomorrow he’d try
this out during science lab or English.
If it worked for snow, it could work
anywhere! I
About the Author:
Laurice Bray is a wife, mother,
grandmother, and nurse who has
worked in hospice and with the
disabled and elderly. She has loved
animals since she was a little girl
and lives in Livonia, Michigan.

Answers to January’s Games

1. On a Small Scale 9. Deep in thought
2. Square covers can drop 10. Walk on water
in if they are turned di- 11. To be or not to be
agonally but a round one 12. La Pedrera, Barcelona, Spain
never will. 13. There aren’t any “E”s
3. Minnesota
4. Whatever color your Follow the North Star
eyes are, it started with Page 6, Page 16, Page 24, Page 28
“You’re driving a bus...”) Sudoku
5. He chose to die of old
age
6. Facetiously, meaning com-
ical manner, and Abstemi-
ously, meaning eating or
drinking moderately
7. Strawberries and Cashew
fruits, do you know any
others?
8. Fish in the pond

North Star Family Matters | February 11

 P
Sweet Dreams with EFT
Emotional Toolbox

By Syandra Ingram

Emotional Freedom Techniques, or EFT, is a great tool to help anyone deal with the negative emotions
and events of our everyday lives. It is highly effective in addressing stress, anxiety, phobias, fear, trau-
ma, anger, and sadness. It is as useful in helping a child get over the pain of being called a name as it
is in helping an adult gain emotional freedom from childhood abuse. The technique consists of tapping
gently on accupressure points while “tuning in” to a feeling or emotion while saying phrases that affirm
how you actually feel compared with how you want to feel. The effect is an immediate sense of relief
as the “charge” from the negative emotions are released. We believe it is one of the simplest and most
powerful tools a parent can give a child, which is why we dedicate an article in every issue about EFT.
Find out more at www.NorthStarFamilyMattersMagazine.com.

G  enerally speaking, a tired child is a cranky

child! It can be a mystery when a child begins
to struggle to fall asleep. Some children seem
prone to have difficulty sleeping on a regu-
lar basis, while others just have occasional problems falling
asleep. If it happens often, the child can become anxious,
developing a dread of going to bed. Lack of sleep can be frus-
trating for both parent and child.
There can be many possible reasons a child has difficulty
sleeping. Many children have repetitive, bad dreams, which
can cause a reluctance to fall asleep. When this is the source
of sleeplessness, encourage your child to talk about her
dreams. See if you can pick up on something the child is
worried about, afraid of, or concerned about. Empathize with
her and let her know you understand how scary it is for her.
Try to create new pictures or ideas for her to identify with.
If she sees a monster, create a picture of a monster that
looks silly. Have the child bring in an imaginary “helper” to
deal with the monster. It might even be dad in a Superman
costume or mom in a Wonder Woman costume. The point
is that the superhero/protector becomes part of the dream,
vanquishing the monster.
Use EFT to tap away the negative emotions connected
with the dream, incorporating the information you have
gleaned from your child. For example, you might begin with:
“Even though the monster in my dream chased me and
I got scared, I’m a great kid,” and then go to the tapping
points.
The monster was scary
I was afraid

12 North Star Family Matters | February


He chased me
I was afraid he was going to eat me
He was big and ugly
He was mean
I was scared
It was very scary
After a round or two like the above,
switch to bringing in the humor and/or
protector.
“Even though the monster in my
dream chased me and scared me, he’s
just a big bully and no match for me (or
Superman or whomever).”
The monster was scary
When he saw my angel, he started
running away
His feet fell off
He turned into a tiny little bug that
couldn’t hurt anyone
He was afraid we were going to step
on him!
He looks pretty silly
He’s nothing to be afraid of
I’m not afraid of him anymore.
Third, use EFT to tap in the kind of
dream the child wants to have. For
example,
“Even though I had a bad dream be-
fore, now I choose to have fun, safe, and
peaceful dreams.” Go to each spot and
tap in a reminder phrase such as ‘fun
dream,’ ‘ safe dream,’ ‘peaceful dream,’
etc.
Many children have difficulty going to
sleep because they fear being left alone
and/or they are afraid of the dark. If the
child is afraid of being alone, reassure
him that you are close by and will look
in on him. Try some soft relaxing music
or meditation CD’s so he is not left in
silence. Let your child be the judge of
whether he needs a nightlight or not.
One year one of my young sons asked
to keep the small table-top Christmas
tree in his room after Christmas. We
turned on the colored lights in the eve-
nings, and he felt happy and safe. After
a few months, he was ready to sleep in
the dark again.
Of course, along with the techniques
above, work with EFT with your child
P
EFT Basics
Emotional Toolbox
Start Here
1. Karate-Chop 2. Top Of Head
3. Inner Brow
Step 1: Use the finger
tips of one hand to tap the 4. Side of Eye
fleshy part on the side of the
other hand. This is called the 5. Under Eye
Karate-Chop point.
6. Under Nose
Say 3 times: “Even though I...
• Feel Sad 7. Chin
• Hate Reading
• Am mad at _____
• Feel __________
8. Collar Bone
...I deeply and completely love
and accept myself because I
am an awesome kid!”
Step 2: Tap on points
numbered 2-10 about 5-7
times each, starting at the 9. Rib Cage
top of the head and working
down to the point under 10. Under Arm (on rib cage)
the arm.
to clear whatever negative emotions, going to happen in the future, wor-
such as fear, shame or guilt might be ried about something that is happening
involved. If a sibling has teased the child now, afraid of what might happen in the
about his fears or a parent has ridiculed future or, she may simply be processing
him, these issues need to be addressed something that’s already happened.
with EFT.The child needs to know it’s The EFT set-ups will depend on what
okay for him to acknowledge when he is running through the child’s mind.
is afraid and to take care of himself.The “Even though I’m so excited about
EFT round might look like this: going to the skating party next week
“Even though I’m afraid of the dark, that I can’t sleep now, I’m a great kid.”
I’m a great kid.” “Even though I’m afraid I will fail the
I’m afraid of the dark math test tomorrow, I choose to relax
It’s ok to be afraid of the dark and trust myself to do the best I can.”
A lot of kids are afraid of the dark “Even though a lot happened today,
Even some adults are afraid of the and I can’t stop thinking about it, I
dark choose to shut my mind off for now
It’s okay if I want to have a nightlight and go to sleep.”
I can use it as long as I need to Last of all, some children have dif-
It’s okay. I’m okay. ficulty sleeping because they can’t relax
Another possibility for sleeping their bodies, they feel restless. You can
problems is a restless mind, a mind teach your child some relaxation tech-
that won’t quiet down. As the child lies niques and go through them with him.
there, trying to go to sleep, constant If you are doing this exercise when your
mind chatter keeps her awake. She may child is already in bed, I recommend you
be excited about something good that’s touch and hold each spot for  pg. 14
North Star Family Matters | February 13
 K
Double Families
Empowered KIds
A Read-Aloud For Parents & Kids
I 
remember the day my parents
started fighting. I was only five,
and I was so scared that some-
thing bad would happen. It seemed
like they argued constantly. My big
brother Brandon, who was only seven,
would hide under my bed until they
were done. We didn’t want to see them
fighting. Then, one day, my parents got
in another huge fight, but this time the
ending was different. My mom started
packing up her things and left the house.
No one said a word that night.
I felt really sad because I knew my life
was going to change. And it did. Not
long after, I had two rooms to clean, one
at my dad’s house and one at my mom’s.
We spent half the week at Dad’s house
and half at Mom’s. Also, I had to switch
schools because my mom moved to a
different town, which meant I had to
make new friends. And, to top it all off,
I had a different set of rules at my dad’s
house than at my mom’s. Now I had
double everything!
One day we were going to the place
where my dad works. As he drove up,
there was a woman he knew unload-
ing something from the back of her car.
Dad drove right up to her and honked
the horn. She was so startled she
turned around and threw her gloves
on the windshield. My brother reached
over and turned the windshield wipers
on, sending the gloves flying! That is
how we met Kim, the nice lady my dad
14 North Star Family Matters | February
By Krista L. Morse
started dating.
Now, two years later, my relation-
ship with Kim has grown so much. We
spend a lot of time together and enjoy
many of the same activities. Kim gets
me out of the house and takes me to
new places I’ve never been. Now I have
more family in my life than I’ve ever had,
because now Kim’s parents are new
grandparents for me. And, my dad and
Kim are getting married next summer.
But the best part is that life is happier
and better without all the fighting!
Now my life is filled with double
houses, time between my mom’s house
and my dad’s house, double bedrooms,
double rules -- double fun and, some-
times, double trouble. So, if you are
a kid and you find out your parents
are getting divorced, don’t think that it
has to be something bad. Sometimes
people grow and change and many
times it is better. Now life is doubled in
a lot of ways. Double houses, double
parents, double families. Sometimes you
get another chance to create the family
you want. I
About the Author:
Krista Morse is 10 years old. She
is involved in hip-hop dancing,
has a pet cat, dog, and fish. Krista
wants to be an author and illus-
trator when she grows up. She
spends spends half her time with
her Dad and Kim and the other
half with her Mom.

pg. 13 a breath instead of tapping to
help calm and relax your child.
“Even though I feel tense and my
muscles won’t relax, I choose to relax
my muscles from my toes to my head.”
Have the child consciously tense all
of his muscles and relax them as you
touch each tapping point, holding each
spot while the child takes an easy, relax-
ing breath.
I completely relax my feet and ankles
I completely release the tension in my
calves, knees, thighs, and hips
I let my stomach relax, letting go of all
worry and stress
I completely relax my chest. I let my
heart relax and feel peaceful and calm.
I relax my throat and jaw, mouth and
tongue. I let my mouth drop slightly
open, feeling so relaxed
I relax the rest of my face; my cheeks
and ears. I completely relax my eyes
and forehead.
I relax my scalp, even my hair is relax-
ing. I’m feeling very relaxed.
My whole body feels relaxed, calm,
and peaceful.
You can do all of these exercises with
your child and I also recommend that
you teach your children to do the exer-
cises independently. Explain to the child
that when she is using the exercises
alone, she might want to shut her eyes
and visualize herself going through the
exercises, rather than doing the physical
movements.
Finally, as mentioned earlier, if your
child has chronic sleep problems, con-
sider a good meditation CD to teach
your child how to quiet his mind and
relax his body. And, of course, don’t
forget to do your tapping! Sweet
dreams!! I
About the Author:
Syandra Ingram, EFT-ADV, MS is a
certified counselor, and EFT prac-
titioner. She has been an educa-
tor for 25 years, and an elemen-
tary school counselor for the past
10. She lives in Pasadena, Texas.
www.EmotionalHealingNow.com
 Guided
By NSFM
Look for Tanessa’s article every month as she
shares her experiences raising her 14-month-
old son, Guy, on the tools and insights offered in our magazine.
A  fter a particularly trying night of saying “no”
more times than I care to remember to our son,
Guy, my husband summed up the situation in
two words: “He’s bored.” It didn’t surprise me
that our toddler had lost interest in the vast collection of
toys throughout our home. We already knew that our Guy
prefers to interact and explore.
Last month’s article on, “Baby Boundaries,” came right in
time. We have been remodeling our home for a couple of
years now, and rather than having an entire child-proof house
to play in, Guy has had designated spaces. His favorite activ-
ity is to escape the boundaries. I must admit, the confined
spaces are limiting for the amount of energy Guy has, and it
has been a daily challenge to provide him enough room to be
as adventurous and playful as he wishes.
My husband decided to set our plans to create a large
playroom in motion. We had no idea how soon Guy would
be ready for such a room. And, since Guy’s sole playmate
recently moved to another state, I also decided to look into
forming or getting involved with some play groups in our
community.
In a matter of weeks, the room was complete. Guy now
has a place where he can run, fall, play or spin in circles if he
pleases, with no worry of bumping into a sharp corner or
hard surface. My husband and I no longer have to create
physical boundaries because, instead, we created a more em-
powering space for Guy.We all love the new room.
Even though I was aware of activities in our community for
parents and children, I had been in no hurry to get involved.
I seemed busy enough with all the activities at home and
found a host of other excuses for not checking them out.
On my first outing with Guy, we both made new friends. He
was even invited to a birthday party. I had no idea how valu-
able this time with others would be for both of us. I have
noticed that he sleeps better and is more relaxed at home.
It feels affirming to know that there are other parents nearby
P
Guided by NSFM
By Tanessa Dillard Noll
who share my experiences and frustrations. I am grateful
to have opportunities to meet with them regularly and get a
break from the routine tasks of everyday life at home.
I knew that I wanted to stay at home for the first year of
my son’s life. That year went by all too quickly and left me
thinking about work again. I love the bond that I created
with Guy, but I also miss being involved in the community. I
was fortunate enough to find a teaching position working
with preschool aged children. My husband, mother-in-law,
and I will now share childcare responsibilities.
One of my initial reservations about teaching was trading
time with my son to nurture other people’s children. Usually,
I am heartbroken simply sending Guy off for a day with his
grandparents. My husband assured me that Guy would be
well taken care of and that I had something special to offer
other children. Last month’s article, “A Surprise Package,”
reminded me of how important it is to love, nurture, and
support other children, as well as our own. And I know that
Guy will grow as a person by interacting with others.
The article on Education Matters encouraged me to get
back into the classroom, not only as a parent, but also as
an educator. It stated four powerful choices for students
whose needs are not being met, and makes it clear that stu-
dents need to articulate their needs to their teachers. I wish
more students had done this when I was teaching middle
school.While I sought feedback from students periodically,
there were probably times when students let their needs go
unexpressed—and unmet. I would have welcomed a student
or parent who came to me with ideas that might generate
more passionate learning.
This has been a transformational month in our house. We
expanded the house to make it more suitable for our grow-
ing family. I went back to work, and yet my life as a mom
goes on. I look forward to applying the tools I’ve learned
from this magazine in my home, as well as my new job, em-
powering my son and all the other kids I’ll meet.I
North Star Family Matters | February 15
 P
Embracing Change
Conscious Parenting
W  e’ve all heard people comment in times
of transition that they “don’t do well
with change.” Who does? Change hap-
pens every day, every where, whether
we like it or not. Too often we waste our energy ask-
ing, “Why is this happening?” when a more valuable
question is, “How can I use change to my advantage?”
Change offers opportunity to grow. If we wait until
things get worse, we may end up facing far greater
challenges and—on top of that—our standard coping
mechanisms may cease to work. It is not uncommon
to experience a “crisis” before we seek help and take
advantage of external support systems.
By learning to accept and embrace change, we be-
come better prepared to face life experiences, as well
as give support and receive it from others. There is no
“right” answer to how we should deal with or adapt
to change. It is only by exploring how we each cope
with situations as they arise that we discover our own
unique answers. To better understand one’s individual
way of managing change, consider how your family
dealt with changes when you were a child.
Was communication open and forthcoming, or did
your family respond by “sweeping things under the
rug,” pretending that things were the same as usual?
Understanding these learned patterns of coping sets us
16 North Star Family Matters | February
By Sharon Becker
free to deal with these situations differently.
We empower ourselves when we realize that there
are many options for dealing with change. We take a
risk with that first step in learning something new but,
at the same time, we gain confidence and strength in
our abilities. We learn to connect to our own poten-
tial and develop a sense of trust in the grand scheme of
things. Whatever your beliefs are about how the world
works, apply those beliefs to the present situation and
see what comfort they offer. Maybe you find comfort
in remembering that “it could always be worse” or in
thinking “things have always worked out for me in the
past.” If you believe in a higher power, connect to that
feeling of trust and faith. If you believe the world is
random chaos, find comfort in the idea that random-
ness can lead to positive change just as easily as nega-
tive.
And, as usual, remember that your children learn
about change from you. So, for example, when change
happens during your child’s day at school, even if they
reacted poorly, remind them how brave they are in the
face of change and that they can learn better ways to
respond that empower him/her. With this mindset, our
children learn to see change as an opportunity, rather
than something to be avoided at all costs.
The bottom line is that change is a huge part of life

today. There is no getting around it
or away from it. So, take a moment
to consider what changes you might
be resisting right now in your life.
How much energy are you expend-
ing through your resistance? Does
the resistance make your life or
anyone else’s better? What would
it look like if you were to embrace
that change instead? When we initi-
ate and invite change into our lives
one small step at a time, we begin
to gain a greater sense of power
and confidence because we see the
realm of possibilities. I
About the Author:
Sharon Becker was a licensed
clincal social worker with a spe-
cialization in family therapy, until
she started her own business,
The Next Generation. A self-
taught artist and entrepreneur,
she sells “Gifts From the Heart.”
www.nxtgeneration.net.
P
Change Challenge
Conscious Parenting
First, do this on your own and then invite your child to sit down with
you to make her/his own list. Be honest and open about what you put on
your list. Keep in mind that there are no right or wrong answers. Consider:
What do you think about when you hear the word change?
• What good things have come out of changes in your life?.
• What change is going on in your life now that you wish you
could embrace instead of resist?
What emotions come up when you think about change?
• When was the first time you felt this way?
• Does this current situation justify these feelings or are those
reactions left over from your past?
• How can you release those leftover feelings?
How do you typically deal with change?
• What are some alternative ways to address change?
• If your fears weren’t an issue, how would you envision yourself
addressing this situation?
• Remember that as you grow in adapting and embracing
change, you give yourself a gift and are able to share this most
wonderful “gift from the heart” with your child.
North Star Family Matters | February 17
 P
K
Expanded Families
Connected Families
T 
he end of a relationship challenges us in many
ways, whether child or adult. Endings can
create a sense of fear, confusion, anger, sad-
ness, and shame. They typically bring with
them a level of emotional and spiritual pain that has been
established during the course of the relationship. Finally,
when we can no longer handle the build up, we end the
relationship, hoping to end the pain, but instead, it simply
compounds. Whether unmarried partners separate or
married couples divorce, when children are involved, it sel-
dom means the complete termination of any relationship.
Whether or not we believe that relationships should end,
endings are common in our culture. We can use an ending
as an opportunity to increase our level of communication,
open our hearts, reassure each other, and create a vi-
sion for our family that is healthy and compassionate. We
aren’t ending, we’re expanding. We call these Expanded
Families, as we focus on ways to encourage each person to
find their niche within a transforming family.
“Blended families” is the new term for what used to be
called a “step-family”. But “step” literally means orphaned
or bereaved, which is rarely the reason for ended relation-
ships in today’s world. Instead, blended families are just
18 North Star Family Matters | February
By Sue Woodward
another example of Expanded Families. They are families
with children who are recommitting to new relationships
that involve children, married or not. Some people say
that the first years of a blended family are chaotic. But so
are the first years of being a single parent, having a baby,
living with parents that fight all the time, losing a job, doing
poorly in school or when someone we love dies. Life is
a mix of events that seem chaotic unless we can establish
trust in the process and see each event as an opportunity
to grow and expand as a person. It’s who we are within,
the strength of our spirit that determines how we handle
what happens around us.
If we leave a relationship to avoid the discomfort of deal-
ing with our issues, it may not be long until we find our-
selves faced with those same issues in our new relation-
ships. Often these expanded relationships feel like a new
start, but of course, there is always one constant we bring
along -- ourselves! At some point we find ourselves hav-
ing to acknowledge and address the same issues as in past
relationships, because they’re our issues.
Whether you’re just evolving into an Expanded Fam-
ily, or you’ve been in a relationship for a while, now is the
time to address your past emotional pain and wounds. Let

go of any judgment for the way things
have turned out. Get rid of any blame
for the situation. Pain isn’t unique to
Expanded Families, so whatever path
your life has taken, acknowledge and
address the feelings it has created in
you. Whether you are part of a fam-
ily going through a divorce, partners
choosing to live apart, part of a new
blending of families, or, if you’re a
single-parent not even thinking about
dating, remember that kids are af-
fected by where their parents are on
their personal journey. We need to
resolve our own emotions as we help
them address theirs. When we are
able to do this, our relationships, both
past and present, improve as we learn
to heal and grow, becoming more
connected to the person we truly are.
As we move through a challenging
new phase in our lives, it’s empower-
ing to remember that we are only
responsible for our own thoughts,
feelings, and actions. We have no
power over how someone else thinks,
feels, or acts. If we reach out to oth-
ers and they don’t respond in the way
we’d like, instead of judging their reac-
tion, we can turn inward and focus
on our own expectations and the
thoughts and feelings they create. We
can produce inner change, so that our
own happiness and well-being do not
depend on how others act.
When you expand a marriage or
relationship with love, support, com-
munication, and compassion, you’ll see
that you are in the process of heal-
ing from an important relationship in
your life. It is a transformation of the
heart and these are the times that call
us to find an inner strength and com-
passion to help us reestablish love in
the process of Expanding Families.
The exciting part is to know that
when your family commits to good
communication, honesty, family meet-
ings, compassion, and respect, you’re
moving in the best possible direction.
Every family needs a vision of what
they want to create. These habits
K
P
K
Great, Everyday Ideas
Mood-o-Meter: This works all the time, but if your family is going
Connected Families
through a crisis period, it’s especially helpful. Ask each person to iden-
tify their most common moods during these times, i.e. anger, sadness,
fear, anxiety, etc. Kids might express these feelings in words, pictures,
or actions. The purpose is to increase your family’s awareness of how
each of you feel. Encourage them to come up with a new word for how
they’re feeling, like “grumpness,” which is grumpy combined with sad-
ness. Each morning, you can check in with the members of your family
to see where they are on their mood-o-meter. “Are you feeling grump-
ness today? Are you anxgry about the test today?” Wouldn’t it make
the mornings a little easier if somebody knew in advance that you were
feeling a little anxious about your math test so that they might be a little
more understanding with you?
One Day At a Time List: Sit down and ask each person to make a
list of all their fears, concerns, whatever problems they’re experiencing.
Then, each person circles the ones they can do something about today.
If you can’t do anything about it today, agree to put your worries off, one
day at a time. Then, put the list away until tomorrow, when once again
you’ll decide which ones you can do something about in the present.
Or create a magnetic or Velcro “calendar” that says “Today /Another
Day.” Color-code it for each family member. The goal of course is to
focus on the things that you can do something about.
build a strong basis of familiarity and Change: Discuss the fact that
support as families evolve over time. change is a part of daily life, no matter
What vision do you want to create what family you are in. Commit to
in your family? What steps are you embracing change and discussing the
taking on a daily basis to move toward issues that come up for each of you.
that vision? As families expand, we How can your children become more
want to support our children with involved in the daily schedules and
tools to discover the good that comes demands? Children often have some
out of these changes. of the best insights for coping with
Communication: Children require changes during stressful periods, and
even more open communication dur- they are wonderful at reminding us
ing endings and new beginnings. Take when we get off track.
the time to sit down and talk on a Fun Time: Agree to schedule some
daily basis. Ask your children what’s fun time during the week to do things
important to them. Create a routine together. Everyone participates and
of discussing and addressing each gets to put their ideas of what fun
person’s emotional issues in healthy time would be.
ways, such as through Connective Agreements: Come up with rules
Communication or EFT. (Refer to of interactions that everyone agrees
our C2: Connective Communication on. They might include topics from
overview on the back cover of this how you treat each other when you
magazine for more information on come home, to how you solve prob-
Downloading Days and Family Meet- lems, to when it’s time to go to bed,
ings or order our E-book from our to how you share personal items,
website.) I
etc.
North Star Family Matters | February 19
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 P
Reflections of a Stay-at-Home Dad
Time Out, Dad
W  e had one of those nights at bedtime a cou-
ple weeks ago. The kids were a little wired
after a long and busy weekend and my en-
ergy reserves must have been running low.
One by one the kids gave way to their frustrations with the
world and my composure melted away. The tyrant inside
me was released and my manner and voice rose to levels
that pained me deeply. This was not the person I wanted to
be. How and why had things collapsed so quickly? Where
was the “silver lining” that was supposed to be there?
I sent the children to their rooms and then I gave myself
a time out. I went to my room and lay on the floor won-
dering, “What on earth am I going to do with these kids?”
After several minutes, I was still wallowing in my anger and
not ready to return to the bedtime routine. Luckily my
youngest son, age six, who is often ready to move through
issues more quickly than I am, came into my room and, see-
ing that I had not recovered, said, “I’m sorry Daddy.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t listen and was fighting with my
brother.”
After a hug and a promise that I would be out in a few
minutes, he left. Then his sister came in. Our battle had
been more intense and personal, and I don’t think that she
was any more ready to apologize than I. But she offered an,
20 North Star Family Matters | February
By Kurt Hines
“I love you Daddy.”
“I love you too honey, go get ready for bed and I will be
in shortly.”
I’m afraid I scare my children when I am on emotional
overload. It feels like, as parents, it should be our job to
keep things under control. But I struggle with keeping
things under control, so when they seem to be going over
the line, it often feels healthier to leave the situation. In my
calmer moments, I remember that every situation, including
this one, is a learning experience for me as well as my chil-
dren. They learn compassion for me and empathy for my
needs. I am reminded to move out of the way when I am
going to lose my temper, to take a deep breath, and calm
down. I’m hoping that they’ll learn that I have the right to
react, I just don’t have the right to take my emotions out
on them. Basically, this is simply another difficult but teach-
able moment.
So, what about the “silver lining?” What can I do to cre-
ate a positive outcome, whether short term or long term?
After tucking in the boys, I headed to my daughter’s room
and sat on her bed. My stubbornness and anger were still
in place. In my mind, it was still their fault that I got upset.
If only they hadn’t acted that way, if only… . I still wasn’t
ready to apologize for losing my cool but I was ready to
talk about my actions. I told her that sometimes when all
 P
three of them start acting up, I just
feel overwhelmed and have trouble

Reflections of a Stay-at-Home Dad

making good decisions. Then I shared
with her my goal to try to become
more aware of when I’m boiling over
with anger and to take a time out or
a breather instead of getting angry or
shouting.
“Would you remind me to take a
time out if you notice I am getting
upset?” I asked her. “We can’t control
what others do, but we can control
how we react to them. I am working
on that and it’s important that I take
responsibility for my emotions.”
“Sure, Dad, I can try to do that,” she
said.
So, even when it feels like we trip
and fall more than we walk proudly,
there’s a lesson that our children
learn. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t the
one teaching this lesson, but it’s my
lesson until I learn it. It is what it is,
and I can’t change the past. Maybe I
empowered my daughter a little bit
more by asking her to help me out.
Maybe one day someone else will get
angry at her and she will make it clear
that he is not to take it out on her. It
might be that an extreme example like
this will leave a strong impression on
each one of my kids about their own
behavior. My hope is that, by opening
up about my issues, my children will
be more aware of their own. Mean-
while, I am doing my best to trust the
process and recognize that I am doing
the best I can, as are they. That’s what
family is about. Through our interac-
tions we are reminded of our areas
of growth as we try to improve and
make life a little bit better each time
around. I

About the Author:

Kurt Hines is a full-time father of
three children. He has a degree in
early childhood development and
lives in Alpena, Michigan.

North Star Family Matters | February 21

 P
The Sue-Lution Place
Dear Sue,
Lately my six-year-old niece has used some
pretty inappropriate language when she’s
excited and having fun. At her house she
wouldn’t dare say these words because she’d
get in trouble. I think she learns them from
kids in the neighborhood and at school. How
can I get her to be more aware of what she’s
saying?
Devon F.
I think your niece is already aware of what she’s say-
ing. This is the typical symptom of a child brought up in a
house with rigid rules instead of empowering children to
make good choices. She feels powerless at home, so out-
side the home she uses the words as power. At the same
time, she is exploring the boundaries of where she can
use this language. As you said, she feels excited and has
fun around you, so she probably puts you in the domain
of a “friend” rather than an authority figure. She isn’t sure
about the parameters of using these words.
Most likely you addressed her language as good or bad,
but not the meaning under the words. This is a good time
to pull your niece aside and ask her if she knows what
the word means. Usually kids know that a word is “bad”
This column is intended to support readers with general ideas and suggestions, but in no way is to be considered a professional opinion or medical support.
22 North Star Family Matters | February
The
Sue-Lution
Place
By Sue Woodward
but they often don’t know the meaning. Then, tell her
very literally what it means and the implication of using
the word or calling someone that name. It may make you
uncomfortable, but she needs to understand the effect
it has, even on you. Then, tell her how it makes you feel
when you hear her say that word. Ask her whether she
would purposely call you that now that she knows what
it means. Testing out language and behavior is part of the
process of growing up. How you react creates the power
that children start identifying behind these kinds of words.
So, instead of denying the power her words have, help
your niece recognize that power so that she can choose
to use it responsibly. Parents who do this at home find
that even a three year old will use words responsibly 95%
of the time. They are empowered with their language.
Dear Sue,
My nineteen-year-old daughter is dating a guy
we don’t approve of. Need I say more? What’s
my best course of action?
Kelsey S.
By the time your child is nineteen it’s too late to dis-
approve of who she dates. What you’re really saying is
 P
that you disapprove of your daugh- tions with Joey. Then, sit back and
ter and/or her choices, so the issue let go. Stop resisting and create Do you have a question for

The Sue-Lution Place

isn’t who she is dating but your
confidence in her ability to make
healthy choices.
All parents realize, sooner or
later, that they cannot “control”
their children. But many parents
try to do so anyway, keeping their
kids from learning to make deci-
room for your daughter to change Sue? E-mail it to:
her mind and move in a different sue@northstarfamilymatters.com
direction. Start supporting her by or write to:
keeping the conversation going so The Sue-Lution Place,
that she has space to tell you how North Star Family Matters,
she feels, instead of telling her how PO Box 7306
Olympia, WA 98507
I
you feel.

sions for themselves. Do you trust

that you equipped your daugh-
ter with the skills to make good
choices? If not, then this lesson is
about you letting go. Know that
when you can trust your daughter’s
choices and support her with good
communication and love, that she
will be able to discuss and grow
through these kinds of experiences.
The best thing you can do is ask
your daughter to bring him over
more often. Plan times that you
can do something with them as a
couple. Defuse your feelings and
start focusing on your daughter.
Ask her how the relationship is
going. When she brings up a con-
cern that is the same as yours, lis-
ten instead of giving your opinions
or saying “I knew it.” The goal is to
create the space for a continuing
dialog as your daughter discovers
healthy choices for herself. Let her
come to her own conclusions in
her own time. She may well come
up with the same concerns you’ve
had from the start, but she has to
get there on her own. Your pres-
sure will only encourage her to
move closer to him.
Try asking some affirming ques-
tions. For example, “You and Joey
really seem to be spending a lot
of time together. He must be
a great guy for you to spend so
much time with him. What are
the qualities that are important to
you in a relationship?” Write these
down and ask her what that qual-
ity looks like in everyday situa-

North Star Family Matters | February 23

 P
K
“I Am”
Who “I AM” Matters

Affirmations

By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione

W  elcome to our read-aloud column for

parents and kids based on The I AM! Af-
firmation Book: Discovering The Value of Who
You Are. We believe that when we dis-
cover our true value, we bring that value to our fami-
lies, communities, and world. There are two ways we
discover our value and self-worth. One is through the
thoughts we choose and what we believe about who
we are and the other is from the messages we receive
from our parents, teachers, and other adults. There
are over 120,000 copies of the I AM! Affirmation Book
in print; it has been gifted to children in 30 countries
and over 580,000 other books have been gifted to chil-
dren and adults across the world. You can gift books
also!
QUOTE OF THE MONTH:
“My students were very excited to receive their I AM!
Books….As a teacher, I found the books to be extremely
motivating and encouraging. I teach my students that they
only achieve what they believe and the I AM! Books en-
courage them to believe in themselves.”
--Tracy Ginez,
Blue Creek Elementary, Jacksonville, NC
An affirmation is a true statement, and the truth
is that you are a loving intelligent caring being full of
potential and worthy of love,
respect and appreciation.
Whatever we choose to say
after the words “I am” affect our feelings,
moods, and even how we see the world. When they’re
positive, these beliefs support us in feeling more confi-
dent and capable at school, at home, wherever we are.
AFFIRMATION OF THE MONTH:
I Am Success!
And what I start I sure can do.
I simply practice, practice, practice,
The thing I’ve set my mind to.
I Am Persistence!
I face my fears head on.
And as I stand to face them,
One by one they’re gone.
As you begin a new month, set your standards high.
Know that you are worthy of success and that your
success is determined by your intentions. What do you
want to create in your life? That is your path and you
can succeed. Nothing can stop you from reaching your

24 North Star Family Matters | February


goal unless you let it. The key to
success is practice, practice, prac-
tice. Keep trying even when you’re
afraid to fail. When you are unsure,
trust that you can get back on track.
And, when you’re sure that you’ll
never make it, picture success right
around the corner. Often you may
not have the skills you need when
you start, but soon you will succeed
through practice. Each day practice
feeling and being a success. YOU are
the only one who has the power to
decide how you feel and what you
think.
If you want to learn a new skill or
express a talent, remember to say
out loud: “I Am Success! And what I
start I sure can do. I simply practice,
practice, practice the thing I’ve set my
mind to.” When you say the affirma-
tion, you are encouraged to take ac-
tion and know that, if you don’t get
something the first time you try it,
it doesn’t mean you are a failure. It
simply means you still have practic-
ing to do.
You have a brain that is amazingly
good at solving problems. Think
about it. How did you learn to catch
a ball, ride a bike, or learn to talk?
Your brain figured it out for you. All
it needed was your determination
and the opportunity to make mis-
takes until you figured it out.
Thomas Never Gave Up
When Thomas Edison wanted
to invent the light bulb, he tried it
one way and it didn’t work. So he
tried another way, and that didn’t
work either. Then he investigated,
tried something new, and it still
didn’t work! Then he made another
change and tried again, and again, and
again, and again. It took him over
1000 tries before it worked! Any
time along the way he might have
given up and said, “I don’t know how
to make a light bulb work. Nothing I
try works. I’ll never get it right.” In-
stead, he kept practicing and experi-
menting. He never gave up until, at
last, he got it.
So find the joy and gratitude in
knowing that you can put your heart
and mind into what matters to you.
No matter how unlikely your goal
may seem, or how many people say
you “can’t” do it, the choice is up
to you. Other people may express
their fears, anxieties, or limitations,
but you can choose to let go of your
fears instead of letting them deter-
mine what you can do. There are
always exceptions to every rule and
there are always people who suc-
ceed when others say it’s impossible.
Know that YOU can be the excep-
tion to the rule. YOU can do what
you put your mind to. Where oth-
ers say “I can’t,” you find a solution
and say “I can!”
Along the way, if fears come up,
say out loud, “I Am Persistence! I
face my fears head on. And as I stand
to face them, one by one they’re
gone.” Then think about what you
are afraid of. What are you telling
yourself? Are you telling yourself
that if you don’t get it right the first
time, you shouldn’t do it at all? Or
that the other kids will make fun
of you if you don’t succeed at first?
Or maybe when you don’t succeed
at first you think that your par-
ents will be disappointed with you.
Whatever the fear, there is another
choice. Look at the fear and turn it
into something that will move you
forward and make your life a little
better. Remember: “I can take ac-
tion. I can practice, even when I’m
afraid. I will succeed with action and
practice.”
Jimmy Kept Trying, Too
Jimmy failed his spelling test. It
wasn’t the first time, and probably
wouldn’t be the last. He went home,
feeling like a failure. He went up to
his room and curled up on his bed,
feeling sad and angry. Soon his mom
came in and said, “Jimmy, what’s
North Star Family Matters | February
P
wrong?” K
“I failed another spelling test. I
Who “I AM” Matters
can’t spell and I don’t want to go
to school and get up and spell ever
again.”
His mother listened and then said,
“It sounds like you’re really frus-
trated when it comes to spelling.
What if we could figure out a way to
help you? Would you be willing to
practice?”
“Sure, but it won’t help. Nothing
helps.”
“Okay. I heard something new
today. Let’s try it. What’s one of the
words you got wrong on your test?”
“Journey, I always get that word
wrong.”
“Okay, close your eyes and, as I tell
you how to spell the word, pretend
you are writing it on a blackboard
in your mind. Journey. J-O-U-R-N-
E-Y. Now, look at the blackboard in
your mind and spell it to me back-
wards.”
Jimmy did it and got it right! He
could see the letters on the board
and say them so easily backwards.
After that, he practiced, practiced,
practiced on his own blackboard in
his mind. That night he practiced all
his words and the next week he got
up and spelled most of the words
right.
I AM! Affirmations help build our
confidence, support us taking action,
and encourage us to share our feel-
ings and have them validated. The
outcome is our experience of feeling
successful when we have persisted
and practiced. I
About the Author:
Steve Viglione is the founder and
CEO of The I AM Foundation and
author of The I AM!   Affirmation
Book. Marilyn Powers, Ph.D., is
the Vice President of The I AM
Foundation and is married to
Steve.  They live in California.  
www.iamfoundation.org
25
 K
K
P

Fun & Games

K
Text
Games

Brain Teasers, Jokes & Riddles

Sidebar

1. The more you have of it, the less you
see. What is it?
2. Forward I am heavy, but backward I
am not. What am I?
3. What grows down while it grows up?
4. On a warm and bright Sunday in
downtown Boston a ring was stolen
from a rich man’s mansion. The
suspects were the gardener, the butler,
and the maid. The gardener said he
was mowing the lawn, the butler said he
was making dinner, and the maid said
she was getting the mail. Who stole the
ring?
5. What stays in a corner, yet it can travel
anywhere in the world?
6. What starts with E, ends with E and
only has a letter in it?
7. What common eleven-letter word
starts and ends with the same three
letters in the same order?

Rebus

A rebus describes a phrase by using Fill in the blanks below with the numbers 1-9
position, highlighting, size, or color so that each number is used exactly once in
applied to words in a meaningful way. each row, column, and the nine 3 x 3 squares.
Below are four examples. Can you
guess what phrases they represent?

8. 9.

Secret
Secret neafriended
Secret

10. 11.

all M
Go
er

again ry

Solution, tips, and computer program at www.sudoku.com

26 North Star Family Matters | February


Where In The World?
12. Do you know or can you find out
where this picture was taken?
Can You Spot 10 Differences
North Star Family Matters | February
Outside
K
Think the Box
Games
13. A truck gets stuck under
a bridge, causing a terrible
traffic jam so the police
come to sort things out.
The truck driver and police
officer argue about how
to get the truck out from
under the bridge. Soon a
young boy passes by and
tugs on the police officer’s
shirt, “Excuse me sir but I’ll
bet you ten bucks I can get
that truck out from under
the bridge in less than ten
minutes.” So the police
officer agreed and within
ten minutes he paid the boy
his $10. How did the boy
do it?
27
 K
Coloring Page

28 North Star Family Matters | February

 Family Meetings
Once a week, or as needed, any member of the family can call a family meeting for any reason. Start
when your kids can walk and talk!
1. The child or adult feeling most balanced volunteers to lead and opens by stating the agreements.
We agree to:
• Respect each person’s input
• Let each person finish talking
• Avoid using limiting or judgemental words such as can’t, won’t, don’t, shouldn’t, no, and not
• Focus on what we do want instead of what we don’t want
• Focus on the future rather than the past
• Give everyone equal respect and equal say in the process and decisions
• Commit to communicating until everyone feels that their concerns are resolved.
2. Ask “Is there anything anyone would like to see done differently in the future?”
3. Everyone agrees to work together to find a way to meet that person’s needs.
The CODE
Listen, support, and uncover feelings and needs in compassionate, open-minded ways, as you dis-
cover a PLACE of Peace, Love, Appreciation, Compassion, and Empathy. Clues for a CODE
ALERT Use it anytime you hear or feel: Anger • Fear • Anxiety • Blame • Judgement • Guilt • Yelling
• Sadness • Generalizations • Frustration • Hurt.
C. Connect Objectively Listen and clarify the issue objectively (no blame or judgement).
O. Observe Feelings Identify the emotions under the issue, “I feel _____” (angry, sad, etc.).
D. Discover Needs Guess what universal needs are behind the emotion (connection, safety, etc.).
E. Encourage Asking Help form a specific request that could improve their life and ask for it.
Empowering Questions
Downloading Days Every day take 10 minutes per day per person when someone comes home
and go through their routine, “I went to school, my first class was___, and then…” including both
what you did and how you felt. This helps kids and adults remember the emotionally charged events
mixed throughout their day. Make it fun and make it happen.
Illuminating Questions When you suspect a deeper issue, ask general questions that open the
door just enough to give room for their responses. How do you feel about yourself? How do you
feel about school? How do you feel about your friends?
Conscious Message Filter
Increase Awareness Children construct meaning based on the messages, facts, and information
they assimilate, mainly from us. Take time to filter out the harmful or limiting messages that attach
themselves to negative reactions (anger, blame, tension, etc).
Acknowledge Your Overwhelm If you can’t resolve your negative reactions, take responsibility for
them by sharing your struggle with your child and reassuring her that she is not responsible for your
negative reactions.
* A full version of Connective Communication is available through our website, www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com.
** The CODE is NSFM’s interpretation and representation of the ideas for compassionate communication based on the mate-
rial of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. as presented in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, www.CNVC.org.