GROWING UP WITH

DAUGHTER

An informal record of the first 4 YEARS

OF MY DAUGHTER AND ALL THE
WISDOM THAT I ACQUIRED THROUGH
TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS FROM
THE INTERACTIONS WITH HER
BUBBLING PRESENCE, HER MOTHER,
GRANDMOTHER, NEIGHBORS AND
FAMILY.

This version contains

only some of the
pertinent texts.

Pradeep Maheshwari
s164gk1@yahoo.com

1
 As I compile this collection of pictures and
essays, I think of my “DIDI” in the Ashram,
Pondicherry, who took me under her wing some 55
years ago; who gave me the cuddles my own
parents had no time for, who was there for me
whenever I needed her, who helped me fight and
get rid of fears that my negative upbringing had
instilled in me. She passed away last April. (2009)
This has come too soon just after my brother
left us last year, again in April. He stood by me
non-judgmentally and with him around I never
feared the vagaries of this world.
My father incidentally left in April too. I am
beginning to learn to dread this month.

The going of DIDI and Babu Bhai has left a big

vacuum in my little world. I have never felt so
alone.
The only saving grace is now my daughter who
cuddles kisses me and gets terribly worried if she
sees me out of sorts. My world now revolves
around her.
With her I have learnt so much about the
capriciousness of this world. I share this journey
with you here.

2
Introduction.

In India, the girl child is getting a raw deal.

Selective abortions have become a serious malaise
which is creating an imbalance in the sex ratio.
What is happening is wrong. I am doing my little bit
to bring in a change into this mindset. This
collection - celebrates the girl child, especially in
Asian/Indian terms as the daughter is seen as a
burden, more likely to bring dishonor, & dowry
expenses, an expensive liability that will one day
belong to another household. A boy in contrast will
be a bread earner, insurance for old age, carry on
the family name and is absolutely required to light
the funeral pyre. In many households, the cow is
more valuable than the girl child. In this world of
double standards, this same girl child becomes
“desirable” as a wife and Mother by some and by
most as an object of pleasure, commercially
exploitable and traded like a commodity; never a
person.

How did everyone miss the source of JOY and

undiluted AFFECTION that she is?

It seems this mind-set is not limited to India alone.

What a sad state of affairs!

What is so special of adults that they have the right

to marry and procreate but not think any further?
How many people really think of the aftermath of
their trysts and romps? None! Pairing up is more an
3
exercise in hope that they will find the rainbow and
the pot of gold at the end of it. As if willing it will
make the consequences go away. None of their
dreams are underlined by the pragmatic display of
life around them; nobody seems to learn from life
or are they refusing to look in that direction at all?

Does not the child have a right to be NOT born? And

once born, what exactly are his rights?

The hurt and harm parents can do inadvertently or

otherwise is needed to be recognized - even when
they are concerned and try to do the best within
the scope of their understanding. Very few humans,
even the better ones, are able to rise above their
preconceptions, habits and prejudices. Taking out
their ire and often making their own children the
focus of their desires is not an uncommon
phenomenon.

People lead such selfish, introverted, limited and

"me first" lives and it automatically extends onto
the child.

The focus, I have seen is always on the parents.

It is “Their” child as it was a piece of baggage on
this journey of life. “They” know best what is
good and bad for the child – how was this ever
presumed? “They are doing their best – whatever
that means!

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I maintain that people should not be allowed to
have children if
1) They have NOT done at least a course in
child psychology or/and Aptitude test.
2) NOT Financially comfortably endowed.
And also 3) Divorces not allowed when children
exist.

It is unfortunate, that for everything like driving a

car, we need a license, but when it comes to
having children there are no rules. Every guy who
can get married is automatically given the license
to have children. Of course marriage is not a
binding factor either. The number of children born
for a moment’s romp and then abandoned is a mute
testimony to the utter irresponsibility of humans
and disregard for the hapless child.

The parents have to get out of their egos and not

think of the child as "Their Possession". The child is
not an extension or medium for the continuation of
their dreams and wishes. I see all around me
parents behaving as if they had done the child a
favor by bringing him in this world and now it was
the child’s duty to pay them back by making sure
the parent got all he wanted from the child – no
questions asked. Deplorable!

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My focus here is on the girl child. She has always
received a raw deal. Things have really come to a
point where I feel voices need to be raised.

The Story of Aruna

I have noticed that children have a charm and

grace that is soon subdued and stifled by over-
zealous parenting. Parents want to control their
every movement, teach them what to say and how
to behave and what-not. Why? Let them just flower
knowing that they are loved and secure. Parents
need to instill a sense of belonging and self-
confidence in children but end up by frightening
and confusing the child by making him feel
inadequate and often unloved.

My daughter at 16 months old was everywhere and

into everything. This was a hot topic for debate.
My reply then and now is the same. I think it is her
natural curiosity and she should be allowed to
explore. But everyone who sees me with her
complains that I am not scolding her enough and
that if she is not made to understand the correct
ways, she will become uncontrollable and end up
totally spoilt. My point of view is that she is too
young to understand and that this can come later
when I am in a position to explain the pros and
cons of each action to her. Right now it is all play
for her. More often than not she is aping me. How

6
 can I scold her when she has done no real wrong
and surely no deliberate mischief? And why, even if
I have something to say, why should I scold her? It
will only kill her curiosity and stunt her persona

Centre of Attention.

Aruna quickly became the centre of attraction

and quite often total strangers would make the
effort to come and want to cuddle her. We
consciously took the decision to travel all over
India with her to expose to her to as many
different conditions of life as we could.

I have always believed that the first two years

are the most important. The basic character of
the child is forming at this time and will make
or unmake him in later life. Let him absorb as
much is earthly possible in terms of sounds,
sights and people, specially of the positive kind
and he will never feel out of sorts in this world
he finds himself.

The case for taciturnity.

Now that my baby is over one year old, I receive

instructions from all including my doctor to focus
on teaching my child to articulate words and
communicate in a spoken language that we
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understand. I am asked to repeat certain words and
commands so that the child learns faster and we
may be able to communicate more easily with the
child. Every time we meet a friend or relative, the
first question that is posed is “Has she started to
speak? Which words can she speak now? Does she
say mama, papa? Then their focus switches on to
the baby and they start asking her “Where is your
nose? Show me your nose?”

What in the name of heaven is the hurry? I have

never really understood the need to bring speech
so hurriedly and in such quantity and intensity in
our lives. The stress on speech and talking is rather
exaggerated considering the exchanges I see
happening around me. I say that the time has come
to consider this factor and stress a little on
taciturnity. Let’s bring a little silence in our lives.

As far as the child is concerned, she is already

picking up so much from her surroundings that we
are amazed at her ability to sponge in. She is
communicating perfectly and we understand her.
We are acting as gardeners. We are not trying to
push the plant into over-growing itself by speeding
the process.
I feel it is the parent's duty to learn as much about
life as he can and apply it in life and then pass it on
to the next generation. This can happen only in a
conscious and open hearted yet committed
environment.

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 Don’t bring up the child on "don’t do this and don’t
do that" Help him explore himself and the world
and be there for him when he needs an elder
friend. Teach him the pros and cons of each
situation and let him decide for better or worse.
We need to teach them to think for themselves and
NOT tell them what to think.
And for heaven’s sake, don’t be there for him so
much that he never has to make an effort on his
own.

The Pleasure is mine.

I have finally understood the need to spoil children.

Although it is a relative term I am quite happy in
letting my kid have her way. You can see in her
eyes that she knows that this is HER place and that
SHE is master here. The confidence that she shows
when I am around vanishes with others, including
her own mother who is a little more stoic in her
responses and not averse to impose rules and
conditions that to the baby may seem draconian.

The other day one of my friends mentioned that he

had noticed that I rarely censor, forbid or discipline
my child; rather I tend to go along with the child.
He wondered if this would not eventually lead to
spoiling the girl. Well, I told him it is my belief that

9
we all need a friend who would accept us as we are
without judging us and I was being that to my
child. To the child the parents should be the
friends/mentors/guides in front of who he can be
himself/herself. If I want to stop her from doing
something, I do so by diverting her attention.

This attitude needs to be nurtured. If we become

too much of the teacher or the disciplinarian we
risk alienating the relationship and a heavy price
would have to be paid later in life if a great
distance and distrust gets created between the
parent and child. So I told him if he felt a little
show of displeasure or correction was warranted, I
would be glad that he showed it. The child should
learn that everybody was not the same and it
would be honestly a big mistake to protect the
child too much from the big bad world. I want that
everyone took the liberty to behave with my child
as they thought best. Let the child see the world in
all its facets from the word go. This was in its best
interest.

If, of course, things went too much out of hand

then I would be there for her and step in as a
barrier. I am and shall always be the island where
the child is protected and told the secrets of life.
My job is to explain the tragedies and teach her the
tricks of life. The ideal is that I change my style
with her growing. As she grows and her stances
change, so should my behavior and responses.
Parents who are able to do this will never have
much to complain.
10
Let’s not kill all incentive and stifle them before
they get a chance to flower. The truth is that we
stop the child when it is not convenient to us. The
child is not here for our convenience. Period.

Note: there is no deliberate mischief in her. Just

play and of course wanting to play at all the games
she sees us playing. Her ability to ape is
astounding. She is a keen observer and repeats
every action she sees us do in one shot.

Everyone wants to know why I am spoiling her. My

question is am I? She needs to play and explore this
world - right? And I am letting her do it. How else
will she know what is OK and what is not?!!!!!

But I must say, having her in my arms or when she

comes and envelops me in her arms or recompenses
me with a kiss, the experience transposes me out
of myself and my heart melts into chocolate syrup
and blows up out of proportion like a Goodyear
airship. It is such a lovely feeling to be the chosen
one. I have never been loved liked this. The smile
and her tinkling laughter are worth it all. Not only
hers, for that matter any child’s. Let us not
become so staid that we lose all sense of the fun of
life.

PS: But I have not lost my head yet. I am now

teaching her to take me a little more seriously and
show my displeasure through my eyes + shake of my

11
head. I must say that she is beginning to recognize
and respect this.
It has to be made as a request or tears will flow,
backed highly dramatized acting- and make me feel
like a jerk. I know I am being manipulated but then
my mother, wife, colleagues and everyone I know is
doing it so what is new? I just wait for my
opportunity to have my own tantrums one of these
days.

Are we helping or promoting misery?

A news coverage commentary on CNN made me pen

these few words. She was talking about the spread
of this new disease in Africa. She was advocating
further funds to be poured in aid of removal of
suffering. My question is: are we removing or
promoting?

Why are we so eager to pour millions and millions

into programs that lead us no-where? Why are we
so eager to promote the welfare of people who are
not really eager to do anything for themselves? It is
fantastic how humans can delude themselves that
life is one Silk Road with happiness and wish
fulfillment is its goal.

Life may be utter misery, so what? The very person

who complains about it also goes about doing
precisely what he should not to make it worse. This
reminds me of an instance from my own life. Many,
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many years ago my maid came to me with a
request for a loan. Not a small loan; something in
the nature of Rs 10.000 which left me aghast. I was
paying her a salary of Rs 300 per month. Her
monthly earnings were barely Rs 1200 from work in
four homes. But look at her courage. She was
prepared to take on a loan which she would never
be remotely ever to pay.

I was well aware that her husband was a never-do-

well and had never earned a penny in his life. He
did assist in spending the money on a drink every
evening. Her married daughter had been deserted
by her husband and was living them. Her two sons
were coming up the same way. She was bringing
them up to become gentlemen with education and
white collar jobs but she forgot to imbibe in them
the value of work – hard or soft. In every
household, starting with their own they were
seeing the man of the house shirking work and yet
being taken care of by the women. So finally both
the boys grew up into expecting that their wives
would take care of the earning and working part.
They were convinced as would have been obvious
to all that they were a gift to mankind or at least
to their womankind. The maid was taking this loan
to marry off her first born. I did not give her any
money. I did not have any to give. I did ask her how
the son would support a family. She had no reply.
Sheer optimism won through. She did find
somebody to give her a loan at an exorbitant
interest and she went ahead with the marriage.

13
Some months ago I met her again working as a
sweeper in the temple I sometimes visit and
enquired about her family. The sons it seems were
not doing anything. Their wives were working and
keeping the home fires burning. Her husband was
now too old and sick and although she did not say
it, it could be seen that it was all a great burden.
She had perpetuated her own miserable life on to
the next generation. The loan had become a weight
around the neck. What bothers me is this – when
we assist these short-sighted people are we helping
them or hurting them? Can we really ever help
them?

I cannot stop thinking that if she had not found

anyone to give her the loan, she would have been
far much better off!

Some pertinent thoughts and questions.

Look at how we have fashioned our life. The same

mother who is supposed to be a know-all about
children and is allowed to give birth to babies and
raise them up, needs a certificate and training to
teach children when she applies for a teacher’s job
and if she wants to become a foster parent (in the
USA), she will need certification to take in
children. Consider the fact that the General
medical practitioner is not considered good enough
to treat our children; for that we need specially
trained doctors called pediatricians. So quite
14
obviously on one hand we accept that children are
special and need special understanding but on the
other we think nothing of letting sperms meet eggs
and let them grow into babies indiscriminately. Our
logic being that every baby comes with his own
destiny and we happily rationalize that we are
doing it a good turn by allowing it to enter into this
wonderful world of ours.

The first thing is to have children only when one is

ready for them as they have to be given 100%;
emotionally and physically. There can be no half
measures on this score. The child is totally
dependant on its parents. He has full rights also on
them. He needs and he has to be given everything
needed for his flowering. Love and total devotion
to the child’s welfare is the key.

Why are our law makers not thinking about

corralling these males who are spawning away with
total impunity? What rights have they to bring a
child into this world and worse when the child is
here who is letting them run away? Should we not
make it a cognizable offence? All these children
who have been brought into this world without
their consent and who now have no roof over their
head with little hope two square meals, how will
they manage?

There is no justification to let things be as they

are.

15
In a general way, on the spiritual level, one can say
that the worst that can happen to the child are the
parents.
The parents, 99% of them, do not bring up their
children consciously. They are following a natural
trend by habit and instinct. They are simply being
themselves. It is not only how we behave with the
child but the galling fact is that the child picks up
the same behavior patterns and repeats them and
this can go on into many generations.

In India where arranged marriages are the norm,

there is also the social responsibility to get one’s
progeny married off as a religious duty. I have seen
sick and mentally challenged people are found
mates on the strength of financial clout or plain
and simple duping of the other party. Why?

People have sex for fun. Nature does the rest.

The children are "Gifts of god" and accordingly we
expect God to rear them for us too. These gifts we
throw out into the world without care.

Even the best parents do not think beyond, "food

(without any attempt at good nutrition),
clothes( not always chosen with the child in mind),
schooling(with no serious intent behind it)" after
that it is all left to GOD and he is squarely blamed
for anything that may happen later. And of course,
when the weight of rearing the child becomes too

16
much, the child has to bear the brunt of our ire
which can often be horrendous in the extreme.

It is so saddening.

Our self-centeredness

We are born of a selfish beginning and live selfishly

thereafter. The children we give birth to reflect
our pride as our possessions, brought into this
world by our effort and we may even imagine
ourselves as The Creator. All the philosophers tell
us that this world is an illusion and I suppose that
we can add this thought of being Creators as
another illusion. Unfortunately this illusion has
repercussions way beyond the fallibility of a
random thought. It is true that all our thoughts and
imaginings to a very great extent make or mar our
existence; we learn this truth after a life lived to
the full and when our chickens come home to
roost. Unfortunately, by the time we come to our
senses, the harm has already been done.

The bitter truth of life is that the laws of nature

implore us to procreate at an early age when we
still have the drive and strength to rear the child
through the long gestation period needed for a
human child to come into his own. This normally
works out to be in the age group when in many
other ways the humans are themselves still children

17
mentally and emotionally. So the end result is
children rearing up more children and passing on all
their fears and insecurities and making colossal
blunders in the actual act of feeding, clothing and
educating. Generation after generation this is being
repeated and we can safely say that we are
perpetuating our miseries on to the next generation
who in turn will most probably do the same. Of
course with every generation, with more education
there is an improvement but it is unfortunately not
the norm yet in terms of percentage of the world’s
population. Even in so-called educated societies,
only few ever try to improve themselves and put
the interest of the child before their own.

We forget very easily that the child is totally

dependent for everything on us to understand its
needs and that The Lord has put a very great
responsibility on our shoulders. It is imperative that
we forget ourselves totally and immerse ourselves
to meet the child’s every little need. Our attitude
should be of compassionate indulgence. Every
whimper and movement should be taken seriously
and we should go to great lengths to learn and
study every piece of information available to us to
learn what the child may be going through and the
best course of action in every tiny inconsequential
situation for that particular time. We have to make
this effort for our child. This is the karma we have
imposed on ourselves and our own lives depend
upon it.

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My Story

My story begins with my daughter Aruna born to us

on 31st August when I was in my 58th year. I was
very apprehensive. Would I be able to do a good
job of rearing her up properly? But mine has been a
life of teaching and counseling and therefore of
learning. After all the trial and tribulations of a life
lived to the hilt, I was well aware that happiness
comes from spreading happiness which then comes
back to you. As explained in Zen philosophy, join
the club of givers where everyone is giving each
other all the time. So the day she was born, I took
the vow that I shall totally subvert my interests in
the joyful and attentive bringing up of my
daughter. I would not permit myself to be
sidetracked by my own fatigue, bad moods and her
demands. There were special reasons for me to do
so.

Many, many years ago I lost my brother just in front

of my eyes. The date was 31st August. I felt that I
had not taken care of my brother as well as I should
have. I have missed him deeply. I had prayed often
that if I ever get another chance, and if only The
Lord would give me one, I will do a better job of it.
When this daughter of mine was born on the same
date I took it as Divine providence and got into the
job of fulfilling my vow as best as I could.

I realized early in life that whenever we step into a

relationship or responsibility; we should prepare
ourselves for it assiduously. Something I find that
19
most people really do not give much thought to.
We do prepare ourselves for jobs or sports or even
hobbies but when it comes to getting married we
never think twice and go into it for the game of it.
In extension having a child is just part of the
natural course of things.

I find it difficult to accept this attitude.

Before we commence preaching we must have

practiced it they say. Well, in this case I am well
qualified. I studied all the books on psychology I
could find when I was in college. Reader’s Digest
was my favorite journal. And I devoured every word
I could find on the subject. I observed my peers
and others in our huge joint-family system.
Marriage as a happy state did not seem to be quite
the thing at all. Everyone around me was bickering
and unhappy with his/her partner but still would
advise marriage to the unmarried and wherever
they could they would organize alliances and push
them through. I wonder if this is not a revenge they
are perpetuating for having been pushed into lack-
lustre marriages by their own peers. My own
parents never put up for us a very encouraging
image either. In short I was confused and did not
feel that I had the acumen and patience to live
with what I concluded to be inconsistent and often
unreasonable behavior of women. So I
experimented and got into relationships with the
opposite sex and was lucky enough but I noticed
that as soon as a friendship would develop so would
20
begin the demands and sulks; this I found to be
unacceptable, a waste of time and energy and soon
the relationship would come to a natural end
leaving a bitter taste in the mouth. I realized that
when I was initiating a relationship, a certain
amount of “taking-for-granted” by the other party
was involved.

I then happened to come across the book By

Somerset Maugham – Mrs. Craddock. The sentence
in the book which suggests that in every relation
there is one who loves while the other lets himself
be loved struck a big chord in me and clarified my
own observations. From then on I decided to wait
for somebody to fall in love with me while I let
myself be loved. And I must say this too happened,
but I could not for the life of me stand these
women as they followed me too insistently. Their
need to have it their way was just too restrictive
for my sensitive ego. They wanted my whole time
and focus. It was claustrophobic. So I remained
unmarried till the age of 46. It is only at this
mature age that I felt that I have seen enough and
should be able to manage a relationship well.

It was a practical affair with bio-data exchanged

and the alliance fixed between the families.

It is only when my wife gave me feed-back on

certain aspects of my behavior that I understood
how selfish and inconsiderate I was being. I was
truly at fault. The learning process and my
21
arrogance that I was better than others took a solid
beating. My wife was a mirror that kicked back and
I am really grateful to The Lord for a wife who
taught me to grow out of my self-centeredness.
There were times when a break-up was imminent
but the maturity of the years stood up to trial.

Then we had Aruna.

My wife’s first question was will she be pretty,

whereas I could already see the most beautiful girl
in the world in her.

Bringing up Aruna

My wife has a responsible job in a bank so she was

not there in the day. I took the mantle of nurse and
papa. It is then I realized what a stupendous job
women do and the unrelenting continuity of the
responsibility it is to look after a child. The first
thing was the immediate response that was
required of us. We are on call 24 hours without
break and no respite in sight. That is if we take our
parenting seriously. I do wonder often how mothers
with more than one child cope at all; what with
house-work and the clamoring of attention by the
children.

The first three months were ok. She was just lying
there and all I needed was to cuddle her to
reassure her that she is in good & hopefully capable
22
hands. I was feeding her every 3 to four hours and
changing her nappy every now and then. Making
sure that she was covered well and when she was in
a bad mood which she indicated by crying I would
carry her around snugly ensconced in my arms and
sing to her. She loved that.

Then came winter. The first winter I felt is a

dangerous time and the little one is too fragile to
meet its vagaries. So I enclosed myself in my
warmed up bedroom at a stable temperature of 24
deg centigrade and stayed there. We came out of it
only when the weather had moderated. I am sure
many of you would say that this is not possible for
anyone. There are other responsibilities and tasks
beckoning. I would agree with you all. But then,
this is what I mean when I say that we should have
children when we are properly prepared and have
the means and time to meet their every need and
really can afford to have one. I had mine at a ripe
age, working from home and with time on my hands
that I could call my own. At this juncture of my
life, the daughter was absolutely the most
important thing in my life and I was on call 24
hours of the day for the next two years without a
break.

Nutrition.

I have the good luck of having good friends who are

doctors and brothers and sisters who are doctors
23
too. Additionally I have been a student of Adele
Davis, the nutritionist and Biochemist who has had
a big influence in my life. So I was well aware that
at this stage of life the most important factor is to
ensure that my baby is well fed and all her
developmental needs properly taken care of. This
we did to the utmost possible. Supplements, milk
and nutritional requirements were met without
fail. Her growth was well documented by her
pediatrician and even she remarked that she was
pleasantly surprised. As she grew I added elements
and supplements into her feed. Later on before she
could manage to feed herself only on solid food as
many advised and even my wife felt so, I
introduced her to products like Horlicks/Complan
so that her growth was not restricted in any way of
for any reason if she did not feel like eating.
Cuddling and being by her side was in my opinion
part of the package. I believe in sleeping with the
little one by my side as I could and would respond
with alacrity to any change or sign of discomfort. I
am mortally afraid of crib deaths or such.

The only thing that we had to work out for

ourselves was how to control her colic. Eventually I
hit on the possibility of boiling a little aniseed in
her feed water and it relieved her almost totally.
Here I may add that doctors and other mothers
were no help. The doctors prescribed medicines
and the mothers advised 101 things but to no avail.
Homoeopathy helped the most.

24
I was often advised to stick to a regimen of time
etc. This I found difficult to agree with. The body is
not a clockwork machine. It is not in the same
“mood” all the time. So we gave this advice on
fixing times and quantities a miss. We catered to
the child when she demanded it and let her direct
her own life. No stress and no pressures was our
motto. Later on when she was ready to taste solid
food we let her taste everything she wanted to.
Restrictive upbringing is in my opinion is stifling the
child before it has a chance to find anything about
the world. Today we are rewarded by the fact she
is not fussy at all. She eats everything we do and
she does it with relish and abandon.

On the matter of eating habits we let her choose

her style and method. This did result in some
messing up and a lot of cleaning up but this is all
part of the play and only a game for the child. A
wise parent should learn to play with his child and
not worry too much about teaching and
browbeating him into acceptable habits of adults.
There would be time enough for that.

Aruna with no fear or stress of any kind in the form

of scolding from her parents did things by aping us.
She even started helping us by the time she was 15
months old by laying the table and then clearing
the table. She is very organized and very orderly.
She eats with us and at the appointed table. We
did not have to teach her anything. She learnt it by
trying it out and venturing out which we were just
25
too happy to let her do. She was showing a level of
intelligence and initiative that we as adults tend to
ignore in children.

I think it is bad form to run after kids to make them

eat and saying no for many things while yes to only
some things. This confuses them to no end. I have
seen so many children becoming difficult because
their parents simply do not listen to them or let
them play at adult games. Surely what is good for
the parents is good for them too! If you are really
interested in your child, try to see the world from
his viewpoint.

Aruna at play

Letting the child play is the first lesson in raising a

well balanced and rounded personality of the child.
A very important point is that everything is play to
them. Whatever they will see us do they will want
to do both at home and in the playground. This is
one reason I did not agree to have nannies or
servants bring up my child. I tried for a few days
when fatigue was overtaking me sleep deprivation
was seriously affecting my health but within four
days we found that the child had become silent and
the eyes had lost the sparkle. Then we observed
closely how the servant maid was behaving with
her. Not only that we also observed how the other
children in the park were being chaperoned by
their maids.

26
It was the same story with all of them. They would
take so much care of them and protect them so
much that they would keep the child in their arms
and refuse to let it get into any activity lest it get
hurt or dirty the clothes. I asked one of them why
they were denying the child the freedom to play
and explore and they said quite logically that they
would be blamed if anything happened to the child.
They could not risk their own job as no one is going
to listen to their side of the story in case of a
mishap so they had no choice but to be careful and
play safe.

The result was a constant barrage of “You will fall

down” – “you will hurt yourself” – “I said NO” –
“Come here, play with this ball” – from what I
could see there was a focus on disaster as if we
were inviting it. And what were the children
learning from it? The way I see it they were
instilling fear in every word an action as they would
simply not let the child do anything for himself. If
he wanted to climb on the slide they would pick
him up and do it for him. If he ran they would hold
him lest he fall; and many other idiotic reactions
that I could never agree to.

We should be there only to protect him from

hurting himself and not from stopping him from
doing anything at all. The seeds of apprehension
and lack of initiative are already being sown.

Then there is the possessive attitude that we end

up inculcating in children. I could hear parents
27
and/or their maids constantly warning the children
NOT to play with the toys of other children with
sentences like “This is not yours. Give it back” –
“Play with your toys” – “Don’t cry, we will buy you
another one” and often comments like “You have
all the toys of similar kind at home” as if telling
everyone around there that they were not beggars.
The parents should not feel ashamed for the
actions of the child and simply laugh it off when he
does something that we in the adult world would
consider improper.

I wonder why these parents with no time for their

kids ever have them. Seems they have children
more out of tradition than love for a child. Or is it
an accident that happened. I talked to many of
them and they all replied that they were not really
aware what child bearing would entail and one of
them was candid enough to say that she was just
raising them up as a responsibility thrust on her and
did consider them a nuisance although with time
she learnt to love them and be attached to them
but as I could see it was more as an extension of
herself. They knew fully well that all their capers
would result in a child but never expected that it
would be downright slavery to the little imp.

I would advise to all would-be parents to think well

before having a child. Because once you have one,
you are on the burner and if this does not appeal to
you, don’t have one. What has the child done to
you to merit a fate of neglect?

28
When I see her romping all around us, supremely
happy with her condition and smiles at me, tears of
contentment well-up in my eyes.

My child was a little prematurely born. To

compensate of any shortcomings, I went overboard
with the cuddles. Now I am happy that I did so. For
one she cuddles me back especially when she sees
that I am annoyed. She loves to snuggle and is
affectionate like a puppy. She trusts implicitly and
has no fear of strangers although she does take a
little time to open up to most. We did a lot of
traveling right from her age of 6 months so that she
sees the world in a larger perspective. I have
always felt that the exposures we give to the child
in the first two years are going to be very
important in the formation of character later on.
Go out of your way to help the child explore the
world.

Teaching the child adult things.

On this subject I have much to say. I find we are far

too much in a hurry to teach the children what can
be safely termed as “Adult Behavior”.

We see our own selves mirrored in the behavior of

the child and we want it that way; which means we
try very soon and often too early to teach children
a lot of things so that the world at large will see us
too as cultured, high IQ and superior people. What
is the hurry? Let the child flower at her own pace.
29
For example: Don’t force the child to say thank you
when she is not feeling like it. I would admit that it
may be the right thing to do and the child has to
eventually learn to be polite and so many other
things. But don’t push her into it. You will only end
up creating a lot of stress which does no one any
good.

I did not bother to teach my child anything. But I

saw that she likes the Oswald series on TV. She
learnt to say many things from these serials which
are repeated over and over again so it was like an
audio-visual education with the added advantage of
being repeated often. Now she says thank you on
her own. She wishes “HI” to everybody and waves
them off cheerfully. There was absolutely no
coaxing from our side.

One of the points is speech. What a worry it is with

everybody. Again, I ask: what is the tearing hurry?
A child will speak when ready. Just have the
patience to listen to your child when he begins to
articulate. The temptation to correct and educate
can be very high and disastrous. From your side
continue to speak normally. Don’t use child
language ever. It puts the child on the wrong track.
Some parents can even be a little violent and
impatient. This pushes the child to stutter. Take it
easy.
A very good idea is to raise the child on soft quality
music; the more classical the better. My child loves
classical music and rock n roll. All instrumentals
with a little lilt and rhythm like Latin American
30
tunes fire her up and she will come and ask me to
join in dancing with her. I have to. She does not
give me a choice. Music is good for the child’s
overall mental development as it also helps in the
growth and full maturing of the brain.

If you want your child to develop into a genius let

her play and get her involved in as many activities
requiring actions and manipulating with her hands
and fingers.

Commitment.

To teach your child commitment and responsibility

never threaten or promise him things that you
cannot or have no intention to follow through. This
gives him the signal that nothing is to be taken
seriously and that lying is part of life.

I have noticed parents telling their children that

they will leave them behind or that the Big Bear
will come and take him away or some such thing.
This is bad. Threats that eventually the child
realizes are empty. Making promises that you shall
buy a new ball or that you will come back with
chocolates and promptly forget about it all with
the smug thought that you have handled that
particular moment with aplomb are terrible things

31
to do to a child. His faith is shattered and he will
never take commitment seriously.

Similarly, never raise them up or make them do

everything for a reward. Not too often at least. I
had once a small girl coming to me for learning
French. With me she was perfect. She knew
everything and always gave the correct answers but
in the school exam she did not do well. So in a
friendly way I asked her why she gave the wrong
reply and she replied that her mother did not give
her anything for it. Later on I found that her
mother was giving her rewards for everything, even
small things. That girl would do anything for
anybody against reward. Jus imagine what this
would mean in later life.

A king is king because the populace lets him be. So

if you want to be the master in your family you
need to pay attention and listen to your children
and follow them. There will be fewer
recriminations now and later.

And, please, do not shout at the child. You will

only teach him to shout back. Control venting your
irritation on your child.

When we pre-empt others in speech or action and

try to control them in many other million ways, we
are only exercising the primary human tendency
to regulate everything around us. We have a very

32
high opinion of ourselves most of the time until
disaster strikes then for a while we see our
faults and reflect. But for the rest of our lives
we are quite certain about our wisdom and
abilities and we even prove it and justify
ourselves by quoting earlier “Greats & Gurus” as
if we were on par with them while we have nothing
to say from our own fount of experience and
learning, except perhaps a few biting words and
make the world aware of our own merits in
comparison to the demerits of the rest of the
world!

Kids have to be handled with kid-gloves. Every

situation is an opportunity to teach the child a
thing or two. Always take the attitude of explaining
and helping him to understand the world at large
and obviously his own impulses and reactions as
well as desires that shape our actions.

Once a French Chef was asked what the secret of

French cooking is and he replied that the main
ingredient was butter and butter and some more
butter. Similarly the ingredient in raising the child
is affection and more affection and some more
affection. The love between a child and an adult is
sacred and a serious love affair and should be
treated accordingly.

33
Most parents use the “NO” rather too often. In the
Reader’s Digest I once read of a lady who managed
every situation with a YES. For instance on a
request for ice cream in winter she would say
“YES” but in the summer.

The word NO is a very powerful double-edged

sword. Most of our life shapes up on the use of this
word judiciously. When we have learnt to use it to
proper effect, we become wise.

Its misuse on children is devastating.

Our children are us.

Recently I noticed an advert on the TV showing a

proud man not taking help from his children while
getting off the train. The song in the background
sings of the fact that the head has never been
lowered and never will it be. What a sad reflection
on our values. Does becoming friends with our
children make us into weak dependants?

This speaks volumes of our intelligence and our

attitudes. I read this sentence in my younger days
and it has kept me on track since: “A lot of
arrogance and nothing to be arrogant about.”
Is pride only a matter of wearing a clean designer
dress and standing tall and not even accepting your
son’s hand in a gesture of love, respect and regard?

34
Will our manliness be shadowed and emasculated
by letting our child stand tall along with us?
Remember, we made him into what he is today.
Can’t we derive pleasure from his persona and the
grand guy he has now become? Do we have to be
the guy in total control and know-all! It is funny
how we think of our progeny only as our possessions
and extension of our selves but never as friends and
shoulders to cry upon.

What the electronic media is doing to the

impressionable minds needs to be reflected upon.
The lack of sense, reality is appalling. . Humor is
still at the village bumpkin stage; an insult to
intelligence. The intelligence of the people making
these movies and story-lines can be gauged by the
fact that in the 40s and 50s it was fashionable to
throw barbs at Hitler, of course with the Hitlerian
mustache. This has now become a fixed feature.
You are supposed to know that the guy with the
Hitler bush is there to give you a comic break.

Stuttering is another feature. There is always a

cabaret type scene and the drink of choice is
always VAT 69. We seem to be stuck there too.
Successful people with money to burn always have
a bimbo on their arms and drink whiskey to relax or
forget. Rape has been made into a sport. Every
time the “zamindar” gets angry he takes down the
old 303 rifle to kill his malefactor. His word is final
and he can get away with anything as if laws and
other possibilities do not exist in this country.
35
Kindness and generosity are traits not be seen in
the educated and powerful class; these seem to be
the exclusive domain of the poor. Doctors are
shown as basically magicians who will cure
everything with a jab of the hypodermic needle.
The practice of medicine and law and other
important subjects that can have grave
repercussions is so badly and wrongly projected
that people get wrong ideas because they take it at
face value.

And as a last parting shot, I might as well mention

the over dressing, over make-up, over-lighting,
over-talking, over-acting, over-doing the colors and
deafening levels of recording and playback.

What do you think this is doing to your child?

NO! With Love

When I was young, in college and still sorting out

the everyday contradictions in terms of human
relationships, one of the features of my life was to
understand the attitude of my parents towards me.
From one angle it was clear that I was precious to
them and from another angle, they seem to take
me for a nincompoop. At one end of the spectrum I
was supposed to do them proud by coming up to
some standards that were never clearly defined
while at the same time I was not supposed to show
any initiative and do what I was told. On this point
36
the directions were clear: as if the parents were
saying “We are here and know what is best for you.
We are doing the thinking for you, all that is
needed will be provided; you just have to be a
nice, sweet chubby child, the apple of our eyes.”
As if they had never bargained for the child to grow
and assert some of his own personality.

When this time did come, it changed into a period

of confrontation. It became a competition between
two diametrically opposite tendencies. One set in
their ways, afraid of change and the other
experimenting and exploring, feeding and thriving
on change. Eventually the situation came to a pass
where all listening came to a stop. Every sentence
of my father began with a “NO”. This puzzled me
to no end and unfortunately nobody was giving me
the right honest answers either. Another of his
attitudes was that his wish and pronouncements be
carried out or taken cognizance in the here and
now. No further discussion or questions were
permitted.

Even the smallest hint of non-compliance was taken

as an aggressive opposition to be crushed even
before any side of the story was heard.

Then one day I went to somebody’s house and

there I saw a sticker. It showed an older cranky
looking man shouting at an obviously younger child:
“The answer is No. Now what did you want?” This
was the beginning of wisdom finally coming into my
life. I realized that a sticker made in the USA, if so
37
universal in its character, is floating around then
certainly this attitude of my parents which was
puzzling me, is more universally prevalent than is
honestly accepted. A little more close observation
of all the parents around me, backed by reading
The Reader’s Digest made the answers come
tumbling into my life.

Today into my late adult life, I am astonished to

see how much this tendency to negate and
contradict permeates life in general.

As I see it, the seeds are sown when the child is

growing into an adult and the parents are not
grasping this fact in its entirety. They want to
protect him and shield him. In their zeal they don’t
want him to act at all, as if this way they can
protect him from all adversity. The child on the
other hand begins first by seething inside and then
hiding his true self and living a double life; so to
say. The parents get more and more strongly into
the denying and the child starts even more
vehemently saying No to it.

Is it any wonder that the adult who results is afraid

that his life will be taken over and therefore learns
to say No to everything. His relationships are all
difficult; whatever kind it may be- professional,
amicable or amorous. This way he gets into a
perennial “denial” mode. This perverted character
then gets passed on from generation to generation.

38
Look around closely. How often do you see people
agreeing and accepting each other and in
comparison how often we are crossing each other
out?

I remember when I was just entering teenage; I was

trying to paint a sunset. My father’s comment on
seeing my attempts was that I being a child should
try to paint subjects more suitable to my age. But I
kept on which upset him and finally got what I
wanted, appreciated by others or not. In my case
the story has a happy ending. Eventually, many
years later, I painted a canvas which before even it
was dry; my father took it and hung it in his room.
This was appreciation of a high order.

Fate had a hand in my upbringing. I had the good

luck to grow into an adult far away from the
restrictive and limited scope of my home. I had an
international exposure and had teachers who were
always listening and ready to help me find the
answers to MY questions; without the bias of social
norms restricting our exchanges.

Yet sadly my father never got over his habit of

taking the opposite side to any exchange of idea,
conversation or suggestion. It was so sad. I wanted
so much to converse and share my life with him.
But he would not accept me as anything but his
child who should in all good sense let him run his
life. He never outgrew my childhood and this
contradiction always showed in his behavior.

39
Does not the child have a right to be NOT born?

The focus, I have seen is always on the parents. It

is “Their” child as it was a piece of baggage on this
journey of life. “They” know best what is good and
bad for the child – how was this ever presumed?
“They are doing their best – whatever that means!
Most parents will argue that they are doing a very
good job under the circumstances which is
precisely the point I am making. Why bring a child
into this world if the circumstances are not
conducive? There is always hope of a brighter
future but by then it is too late for the child. Why
cannot it be accepted that like any other “thing” in
the world, we can’t have everything we want? We
should strive but wait for the conditions to be right
and then alone bring forth a child.

Now please don’t tell me that a child is not a

“thing” – an object. A cursory look around will
show that is exactly how we think of a child.
“HE/SHE” is an extension of the parent’s self, an
object of desire and at best, insurance for the later
years.

I have seen this attitude surface in my own life

through both my parents. Once when I got into
trouble in my teens, I decided to confide in my
father’s elder brother who was more kindly
disposed; who then brought my father into the
picture. My father’s reaction was simple: as
expected he did not want to know about my
troubles but what troubled him was “How dare you
40
bother my relatives with your troubles?” The “I,
Me, Mine” always came first. In a similar instance
my mother berated me that “You can’t talk to MY
relatives like that” when I said something to my
maternal uncle and aunt. And this is from parent’s
who were coming from families of wealth and
education. Just because a parent feels they are
doing a good job does not mean that they are not
leaving a trail of complexes, prejudices, negative
experiences and habits firmly embedded in the
child’s subconscious psyche which will color his life
for ever. To this maybe added sickness resulting
from ignorance of nature’s ways etc

Many parents argue that they are doing a

satisfactory job on the basis of the fact that the
child loves them. This can be a very blinkered view
and is pointless as all children will love and return
affection ten-fold as matter of course because that
is in their primary nature. It is only later as adults
that displeasure and long term affectations come
into play and create havoc in their lives and of
those connected to them.

So I come to my basic premise. THE CHILD HAS

RIGHTS TOO.

The child has a right to NOT to be brought into this

world which is obviously and visibly not adequately
ready to bring it up!

Let’s not forget that the theory or belief in passing

of our "samskars" (passing on of family character
41
traits and karma) is not new to us and
Freud/Jung is not to be taken lightly either.
Suicides due to peer pressure, crowds of
uneducated/unemployables, abandoned children,
physically abused kids, psychologically stunted
kids and spoilt brats are proof of what I am trying
to bring into focus.

There are so many cases where I have seen a gifted

child being brow-beaten into an average bum just
because the parent’s did not know how to help the
child realize its full potential; that is if they were
at all interested in the first place. The schooling on
which most parents depend upon is no better than
useless.

It is very sad that leave alone the aim of forging

new paths, the majority is not even prepared to
take responsibility of their everyday irritants. One
day I visited my niece whose daughter was not very
well but the niece did not seem to be overtly
perturbed. I felt that something was being
overlooked there so I asked her what she was doing
to treat her. Her reply was matter of fact – I have
taken her to the best pediatrician, what more can I
do? Many may agree with her attitude in today’s
world, but I found the nonchalance disturbing.
What I gathered from her demeanor was that it was
the doctor’s responsibility or the hospital if
necessary. Her duty done, she could take it easy.

The way to imbibe creativity, focus and a sense of

purpose in people needs to begin early in
42
childhood. They have to be inculcated with habits
that will make them uncomfortable otherwise.

In childhood we were taught chess to learn to

plan, concentrate and focus but more importantly
the need to put the coins back in the box and put
back the chess board and pieces back in the
cupboard because other students may want to play
and they should be able to find it in its appointed
place.

We were also encouraged to study chess

problems/books and find ways and means to win.

Carpentry was taught to us but more than making

us craftsmen, the lesson that was continuously
being hammered in was the respect for the tools as
prized possessions and to work in a way that we do
not endanger or disturb others. The
uncompromising attitude of my teachers always
with their eyes on excellence on this score was
absolute and today I realize the value of it.

These habits when they become deeply a part of a

person’s psyche and their second nature will ensure
that anything they take up, they will be making a
success of it and will come out on top as leaders
and a balanced personalities that others will look
up to.

43
The future of our children

My experience when trying to help the less

educated has been rather depressing. There is a
resistance to change that creeps in even with the
first sentence exchanged. When this is coupled
with our tendency to take short-cuts and soft
options, we push ourselves into a hole and then
pine and mope. Let me just enunciate some points:
- Refusal to see the misery we are propagating by
having more and more children even when our own
cupboards are empty. We see children only as
eventual insurance for old age. How the child will
be fed and educated for the next 20 years is not
taken into calculation.
- Our socio economic environment is such that it
spoils the boy child and burdens the girl. Most often
it is the girls who keep the household provided for
while the boys become loafers.
- Lack of proper nutrition results in stunted growth;
both in the visible state of the body and worse in
the internal organs that we do not see.
- Lack of stimulation and exposure results in
visionless and aimless youngsters without mental
development even of the basic kind. The
underdevelopment of the brain is a reality. Their
ability to learn and improve themselves is totally
lacking.
- By association the only trade they ever learn in
their "learning" period is the one from their father.
They have no other recourse but to follow the
trade.

44
- Their lack of “savoir faire” means they have to
work for middlemen who are earning handsomely
even in this shrinking market. Had these artisans
spent some time planning their own education and
future, things would be quite different.
- Before you know what, the children are married
off and some more children, "Gift of God" appear to
feed and care for which the necessities are simply
non existent.
- The dreams sold by our celluloid world and now
by the TV, giving a totally wrong impression about
the realities of life. Instead of showing the way, it
is emotionalizing everything and leaving it there.
Most of the Indian population is learning from these
and patterning their lives wholly on the perverted
nonsense they see through the medium of films and
soaps on TV.
- There is nobody to guide them or show the way.
Especially the different norms and practices of
different social classes and so they remain
unaccepted by their peers and ignorant of business
practices.
- The art and artists merit all the help possible but
not as doles. Let’s record it all for posterity and let
Institutions like the Victoria Institute of Chennai
keep the art alive.
- The Government can only play a limited role. We
have to take responsibility for our own lives.

45
What are we telling them?

Our wisdom has some weird ways to show itself.

The scenarios being given below are founded on
reality.

Take this scene: A three year old is seeing that

when father comes home the first thing that others
do is to offer him a glass of water. So the next time
he opens the door to his father, his first reaction is
to run into the kitchen and pick up the first
appropriate vessel he finds, fills it with water from
any source he can reach and goes to offer the same
to his father. If he is alone, hopefully there will be
nobody to stop him and hopefully if the father is a
kind and wise man, he will gladly accept the water.

The other scenario is unfortunately more likely.

The child is bound be seen and the first reaction of
some adult would be to stop him in his track. With
words to the effect telling him that he will make a
mess although he has not done anything of the kind
yet. Many apprehensions will surface because for
all one knows he has dirtied many other vessels
with his unclean hands or picked up a dirty one and
of course the water is undrinkable being from the
wrong source; etc, etc. All this with a thunder and
stormy effect as if the sky has fallen and
accompanied by a loud shout of warning. The poor
kid gets bawled off for no apparent reason that he
can remotely understand and all that will register
in him is that he has done something unacceptable.
His good-will gesture becomes a disaster scene for
46
him. He has been thoroughly scared and upset. One
thing that has been very succinctly made clear to
him is that: (a) He has no rights and he will always
wonder if he belongs there, (b) Taking initiative is
bad, (c) Nobody appreciates him, (d) He is totally
inept; and so on so forth in the same train.

The child has in this scenario received the gift of a

very negative self-picture and an even more
negative world, which is reinforced every now and
then with similar situations and this may go on for
the rest of his waking days. Then will come the day
when he will grow up and he will be expected to
take charge and prove himself to be one of the
elite! Rather incongruous, don’t you think?

Take this second scene: A young lady of some merit

has landed a job as a teacher. It is a new life for
her and the new environment is somewhat daunting
although not impossible. She has some good reports
even to her credit but all is not smooth sailing with
her colleagues. She has really never been exposed
to the outer world and this blunt world can be
mystifying. She comes home and has a lot to say on
the subject of clashing egos and her grumbles. The
mother responds with the sage advice that she
should leave the job with immediate effect. The
message that has been in reality conveyed is: (a)
Stay at home with us, (b) Snobbism is acceptable,
(c) Effort is painful, (d) Compromises are
demeaning, (e) Stay within the known comfort
zone.
47
This is hardly the way to ready one’s progeny for an
independent life later on; especially when marriage
is not far off. The mother is sowing seeds that
encourage weakness of spirit spiced with self-
centeredness, which will only bring pain to her
daughter. But in this topsy-turvy life it would be
called doing well and standing by their children!

A last incidence to give more meaning to the

subject in question: A young boy of seven is very
friendly with his neighbor who is a smart guy going
about on a motorcycle, the very epitome of what a
young boy dreams of being. It is winter and he
evinces a great wish for a pair of gloves. The
neighbor agrees to buy him a pair if he would clean
his bike every morning. The boy is in seventh
heaven and gets started right away. But his mother
hears about it and right away a thunderous
situation develops. The mother is absolutely
against the idea that her son, the apple of her high
born Brahmin eyes, should be wiping off the dust
on bikes like a menial. THE VERY IDEA! “What” says
she, “do we lack? I’ll buy you all the gloves. What
do you have to worry about as long as we are
there? The neighbor is a monster!” The child is
hurt. The neighbor is shocked. The point has been
made. Father Time has now shown: (a) the mother
is no more, (b) the son is incapable of sitting down
in one place for long enough to make a career for
him-self, (c) the wife he has been lugged with is
beyond his understanding to manage, (d) now the
son is into stealing and cheating.
48
I would have thought it is easy to love and the
sheer joy in the eyes of a child would melt the
toughest heart. Till the age of two the child is
treated as a soft toy and all the affection we are
capable of is given to it. I suppose the problem
begins after this stage. The ever growing child
starts becoming independent and this is where we
are unable to reconcile ourselves. We saw it as a
baby under our total care and we wish to continue
seeing it this way. We have to steel ourselves to
grow with the situation and allow the child to grow
in his own God-given parameters.

The truth is no one even thinks of this as a

situation. Every individual sees himself as perfect
and introspection is hardly the forte of human
beings. Righteousness mixed with judgmental
attitudes and the law-given rights of the parents
permitting absolute control over the child blinds us
to the relative personalities that we all have. I
wonder in how many people the thought even
remotely creates a shadow of doubt that we may
be wrong and the child is not an extension of
ourselves. When we are dealing with a child, why
do we let go of all self-restraints? In extreme cases
parents have known to indulge in monstrous acts
and when confronted they have always justified
themselves. How come they do not see the
suffering they are causing?

I have noticed this phenomena in other better

provided families too. As a teacher I have seen that
49
bright spark go out by the time a child reaches
class 8 or so. The keen and enquiring character of
the child gets taken over by a tendency more in the
nature of calculating and manipulating. The desire
to excel gets superimposed by the mundane. What
happened? Where is the lacuna in our upbringing
and educating that fine, bright, wide eyed,
curiosity filled and intelligent children turn into
people so much lesser than their possibilities?

My own way of seeing is that, adults make life so

difficult for the child that the child soon learns to
do everything to please the elders. This
conditioning is total. An element of insincerity
enters into the character which becomes one of the
strongest traits. Soon life becomes a clash of wills
between the child and his elders.

I remember a sticker, I saw when younger. It

showed an angry looking father saying to his child-
“The answer is NO. Now what did you want?” Do we
really leave any choices to the child?

The conditioning begins to take hold in the very

early formative stages. The minds are badgered
into submission as taught in our societies to think
not, speak not, show no initiative but simply do as
they are told and learn by rote whatever the
teachers tell them. All expressions of curiosity and
activities of exploration and experimentation so
studiously discouraged earlier, now form their
personality. Even the best intentioned parent is
unable to let go. Any vestige of individuality is
50
systematically squeezed out of them. How often
have you noticed that when you ask a question of
the child, it is the parent who answers? The fine
connection between the conscious thinking brain
and new experiences that results into “thinking”
and consciously growing human being is snuffed out
of existence.

We need to teach them to think for themselves and

NOT tell them what to think.

We forget that children are given to us for bringing

up and not as possessions. Of course as babies they
need total dedication and care. But how can we
forget that as they grow they are also becoming
persons in their own right? These poor unfortunates
have had their memory and learning boxes virtually
removed almost as if surgically. These are supposed
to be the fine young men and women we are
helping out to mature and grow up as the adults of
tomorrow.

Eventually life will make them acutely aware of

their limitations but what can be done? It’s too late
to start all over again. The mental make up is
strongly in place and the demands of life leave no
space. Emotional immaturity will only be adding to
the woes. What we have brought up is a confused
and unsure adult with an unrealistic ego. The
parents will eventually realize this truth sometime
well in their old age when the habits and attitudes
that they have instilled in their wards come to

51
haunt them in their own lives. The circle is then
complete and pain is everywhere.

Even if these people wanted, they would not know

how to get out of this impasse. It is no wonder that
so many are landing up on the psychiatrist’s couch.
The good natured ones bumble along and the ones
with a strong “amour-propre” take refuge in
forever justifying themselves, rationalizing and on
the defensive if not outright arguing whenever
there is any need for the brain to make an effort at
listening and learning. What is to be expected of
them?

Not much as far as I can see.

Education and Real life.

Life is getting complicated. Interactions are getting

more international, fast and furious. Yet our syllabi
of life’s values, especially what we teach our young
ones, still remains tinged with the ethos of the 19th
century. Just look at our moral education. What
are we drumming into our wards under the
consideration of morals? Is it really what they
would be seeing around them? Today our wards,
right from a young age are exposed to behavior
patterns on the TV and real life around them which
can be safely said leaves nothing to the
52
imagination. Nothing really matches the education
with what they see. Is it surprising that young
people have only a very confused sense of what is
right wrong and correct or incorrect?

Parents and educationists are not leading by

example and this is very confusing. For every
question the child has, millions of possible answers
crop around him. Without personal experience to
back this plethora of unexplainable and sometimes
terribly contradictory scenes, the child remains in a
state of utter melodramatic puzzlement. And, of
course, when he asks his elders some very pointed
questions, the elders who are still mentally locked
up in their Victorian castles; give disjointed and
embarrassed answers that only go to increase the
child’s consternation.

For example we teach our children to speak the

truth and back it up with sayings like “God is
Truth” but in practice we rarely show signs of it.
Often we even forget that a child is around us and
our acts belie our own teachings. When the child is
young, the parents are the world in microcosm to
the child. He believes in them. Yet ask any child
who has traveled in the car with his parents and
has ever been stopped by a cop for speeding or
jumping a red light; what would he relate as to the
exchange between his parents and the cop? He
would tell you that the parents immediately began
to explain themselves to the cop giving excuses and
53
explanations which were outright fibs. In these
kinds of situations, many children tend to correct
their parents by blurting out the truth and only get
their ears boxed for their effort. So what are we
finally teaching the children after all?

Why make the child pay for it?

Have you read my write-up on “Why a child”? In

this I raised the points that there is too much
freedom to have sex and behaving irresponsibly by
having children but not preparing oneself for them
either psychologically, financially or intellectually.
In response I got some replies which are worth
sharing.

One reader said “Your post here is judgmental,

depressing and as a single mother, I've taken quite
an offense to it.” She goes further and relates her
own experience which I give here in her own words
“But life isn't always perfect or goes as planned. To
generalize and to imply that anyone who is not in
the ideal scenario would be best to not have
children or that they can't do a good job simply
isn't fair. . I was engaged to be married and three
months before the intended wedding, we got
pregnant. He didn't want me to have the baby and
when I refused to terminate the pregnancy, he
"postponed" the wedding and eventually left when I
was 7 months pregnant.

54
Things aren't always perfect. I don't always have as
much time or money that I would like to provide
for my son because I sometimes struggle with doing
it all on my own. But he knows he is loved and I
thank God for him every day.”

This was my reply: You are doing a better job than

millions who just have babies and throw them on
the streets/gutters/to the wolves. Does not mean
the scenario I have painted does not exist or should
not be discussed. We are trying to make people
conscious of the facts. Basically which is that once
you have a child, you HAVE to take its responsibility
too. That I have said the right things is proven by
the behavior of your child's father.

Another comment that attracts our attention is

given here: “And in my view, most of the
time ...a mother has to abandon her child as
mentioned by Pradeep...it is due to the unbearable
cruelty of MEN...who are of the self assumed
opinion that just because it is the woman who is
bearing a child...it is none of their responsibility.”
The truth is both are equally responsible or
irresponsible. It has always been my contention
that the educated and free classes of people who
have sex for fun and pleasure can at least be a
little more mature in their attitude. Women are
indeed subjected to sexual violence and have to
bear with many things. Children out of forced sex
are a very painful evidence of the animality of
55
man. But it is also true that women are fully
conscious of their own sexuality and what
attraction value it has for the male and they use it
willingly to snare men into a relationship and
commitment or fall for the wiles and false promises
that men dangle as a lure.

The point to note is that the Male of the species

tends to gravitate towards anything that is Female
and is programmed by instinct & our so called
society to think of it as the ultimate aim of life and
contentment+ add to this the primary objective to
just find a partner for sex with no intention of
keeping his promises or commitment. If he can get
away with it, why should he not is at the back of
every male’s mind.

The need of every man to have a female partner to

complete the life cycle is without doubt
overpowering and the lure of sex is too strong for
most to resist. The female understands this very
well and is not averse to use it for her own benefit
and often gets trapped into a dicey situation of her
own making. The female on the other hand
mistakes the passionate attachment of a man to be
permanent and that she can count on him to stick
to her forever (I would go to the extent of saying
that she mistakenly feels that she will be able to
control him forever) - and here what I have to say
becomes hurtful- she then starts taking him for
granted, even goes to the extent of becoming
56
unbearable, insisting on having her way and even
imposing her way etc.

This explains why some couples who were happy as

lived-in ones for years, could not stand each other
when they got married and separated before the
year was out. Violence is another painful reality;
Men tend to by physical and women verbal. When
they are out to hurt each other there is very little
that can be done to make them understand or see
reason. Both the sexes can be violent and vengeful;
men more so bluntly and women a little more
intelligently.

Take for instance the attitude of sulking; this can

be very annoying to a man. Either not talking or
going to the extreme of not stopping when started
can be very difficult for men to understand. On the
other hand the detachment men show when their
sexual needs are satisfied is puzzling to women. So
violence seeps in and eventually separation; of
course if economical, social and legal situation
permitting. In the final analysis, it is the children
who pay for it. Their lives are traumatized and they
are definitely scarred psychologically and often
things can be worse: quite many are abused
physically and violently. Why? With all the devices
now available to avoid pregnancies why are we
visiting our animalistic tendencies on helpless
children? I say – have your fun and go. Why bring
children into the equation at all?

57
Live in peace and when the time comes, Leave
the world - in peace!

Say Yes.

Life was designed as a river that flows always

onwards. See the miracle happening all around you.
The sun rises, the breeze is swishing by, there is
water to drink, food to eat and the heart beats all
by itself.
We had to do nothing. Life was given to us, we
were taken care of and now it is given to us to go
and grab a slice of this wonderful existence. There
is only one condition; we have to go and take it.
Our effort is written in the equation.

Humans are the only creatures who have been

given the faculty of reasoning and planning. They
also have a superior intelligence which allows them
to carve out a life style in their own imaginings. So
if you can conceive it, take it that it can be done. I
have noticed that everyone has been endowed with
a very positive quality which is unique to that
person. With this unique attribute one can always
create a niche for oneself. All it requires is a bit of
focus and application with sincerity to arrive at
one’s goal regardless what may come.

No one is born fully trained and educated. This was

acquired and can be acquired by taking lessons.
Once you know what is to be done and you have

58
learnt how to do it, what could be stopping you
from creating the life you have imagined? If you
feel that life has not dealt you a good hand to
begin with and then ask for a reshuffle and start
again. Let me illustrate a story of a young man and
he how came tops.

As a boy this man was seriously sick and later hurt

his back which made it impossible for him to take
full time employment. But he realized that he was
good with languages. He had already a smattering
of French and he saw a window of opportunity
there. Foreign languages came easily to him as it
is. So he bought a secondhand book and improved
his grammar, vocabulary and control of the basics.
He collected enough money to place a classified
and announced himself as a teacher of French for
beginners. Students came. As a teacher he
continued to put in more effort to improve his
language. Later on he applied for a teacher’s job in
a corporation and got it.

Here again an opportunity presented itself in the

form of the CEO wanting to learn French but could
not spare the time. So the young man suggested
that he be assigned a full time typist and he would
compile lessons for the CEO that the CEO would
have to study on his own and then practice with
him at a mutually convenient time. This was fine by
the teacher. The time fixed was at 8 every morning
at the residence of the CEO besides the regular
work in the day. The program was successful and

59
the teacher had now become quite a master of his
subject.

Now see how life moves forward with a little

application. Here was the teacher with a lot of
positive experience and mastery in his subject and
a complete set of lessons backed by references of
one of the most influential business house of the
country. He shifted his residence to the capital of
the country where the opportunities to use his
knowledge were the greatest. Soon he found a job
of a teacher in a prestigious school. But all this
time he was wondering if he could get his lessons
published as a book for self-teaching. He had even
prepared audio tapes to complement the lessons.
But in the meanwhile he had another brainwave;
instead of wasting time running after publishing
houses in the hope of his book being accepted for
publication, he started a teaching academy of his
own and offered correspondence courses and he
started regular classes in association with the local
YWCA. His lessons were now paying him twenty
times more than his book would have and everyday
new avenues of work were opening up as a
translator interpreter through his students. He had
now become so good at his job that he started
being sent abroad on assignment as interpreter by
commercial houses. His positive attribute was that
would always give more than was asked of him.

Again he saw another window opening up. Every

time he would go abroad, he would overstay with
his own money and learn more about the country
60
and the businesses. He would ask questions and
spend time with seniors, helping them out without
pay. Soon he became an acknowledged negotiator
for business houses who wanted to work with
France but could not because the people there had
no French and no knowledge of the customs or
ways of the country.
It was not long before that he started a business of
his own and has never looked back since.

Back trouble that could have put him out of action,

goaded him to find a solution to work part-time and
see where life took him. Life kept on offering him
possibilities and he kept taking them without
calculation or thinking too much about where the
pennies were coming from or going. He put in his
effort to learn and improve himself and the
Universe did the rest.

This is a truth of life one learns fast enough if one

puts in one’s penny worth sincerely, with goodwill
and the faith that if this Universe could give us life
it would also give us the wherewithal to sustain
ourselves and some more.

OFFENDED

This quote popped out at me like a shot. And it put

into beautiful words something that I was trying to

61
understand. Everything became clear in a flash.
Edward R Murrow says: Our self-importance
requires that we spend most of our lives
offended by someone.

That doesn’t leave much doubt does it? This is how

I have been feeling and interpreting my experience
as; here is somebody who not only agrees with me
but he has put the same into such lucid words. I
can see my entire experiences reflected in this one
sentence. The irony in this observation is that no
one will agree that they are being difficult just to
prove that they are also somebody. From an
exterior angle most behaviors & utterances can
easily be interpreted in many different hues. Is
there a deciding parameter to justify who is being
difficult and who is being critical, diffident or nice?
No and there is no point going to into it.

The truth is always way above and out of the realm

of arguments. If a state of argument exists then the
first principle that it is not the truth is already at
work. So instead of arguments many people use the
vehicle of incrimination to keep the others off
guard. There is not only an element of purposeful
insincerity but also a malevolent intent. It is
bullying in the most gentlemanly manner. They
keep on throwing verbal stones of accusations and
leave you only two options: either you start a long
diatribe of explanations which in turn get ripped
and require more self-deprecating explanations
thereby binding you in an unending jam or you
show indignation and try to out shout/argue the
62
other guy down. Either way you have lost because
the oppressor has got you where he wanted you. If
you try to hurt him back the bully then gets
physically violent or threatens to and this sword is
allowed to dangle over your head in practically a
permanent state. Eventually as you are not made in
the same insensitive mould your first instinct is to
avoid all contacts and save yourself from irritating
situations. But the sword is always dangling.

Talking theoretically may seem as if all is said and

explained but my opinion is that until a point is
illustrated, there is always a margin for impulsive
and lax interpretations of a statement. As it is the
words can convey only limited notions. The feeling
and the 3D drama is fully lost in the telling. Still
one thing can be said without much margin of error
in interpretation that people do use a nose-up in
the air style and keep others in perennial state of
terror as to what barb is coming next. They are
clever enough to translate every question or
remark of yours into a perceived insult and then
use it to pour invectives down on you; with a full
bag of righteous justification for it.

DEBATABLE POINTS

Should the mobile phones be allowed in schools?

Whatever for? There is nothing wrong in owning a

phone and having alongside for emergencies but to

63
have one alive and in use when one goes to school
or college; isn’t it rather self defeating? I mean,
you are at school to study and learn new things.
How can you do that when you head is busy SMSing
or listening to music of today which is just
RAP anyway? DO You need to have a doctorate in
psychology to understand that if you your mind is
not focusing on the lectures or subjects being
taught you will retain nothing? Then why go to
school at all?

The school authorities have woken up to this

stupidity only now and their knee jerk reaction is
to ban the mobile. This is another extreme
decision. They are punishing students if they see
one in possession. All they need to do is ask the
children to shut the unit off when in school
premises. The kids may need or want to use it later
when they go out of school. It is a tool of
communication and emergencies do not come
announced.

My personal opinion on mobiles is that it has just

given yakking a new dimension. Nobody feels any
need to organize their lives or memorize anything
or think anything out. They just push the buttons
and disturb anybody at any time as and when they
feel it is convenient to them.

Should the servants be allowed to raise our

children?
64
My empathic answer is NO. They can be used as
helps to you and as a support system but making
them the de facto guardians and tutors of your
children is a big NO. What do you want your
children to imbibe; the habits and attitudes of your
servants? Is this what you have foreseen for your
child?

I see so many children in the park coming out to

play with their servants continuously admonishing
them, don’t run – you will fall, don’t do this and
don’t do that – you will get hurt. As if by shouting
from far they have done their duty. What kind of
upbringing is this?

When nothing works they use threats which they

cannot ever carry out. The children are no fools.
They soon learn to manipulate their attendants.
What are we tuning them up for? Surreptiously we
are helping them imbibe attitudes that will hurt
them in the long run.

Do you want the child to grow or remain a stunted

little dwarf, big in body but small in mind, with
constraints, fear of the “what may happen” and
such other diminishing thoughts well embedded in
the subconscious? Do you want to see your child
turn into a thinking, self-confident, courageous and
intelligent child or a scared, cunning and lying imp?

65
In many cases the servants who all have mobile
phones are so busy on it that they have no idea
what mischief the child is up to. And they are
rather busy socializing anyway. Isn’t that inviting
trouble uselessly?

TIRED for Nothing.

We go to one of the largest middle class shopping

centers in town called the Sarojini Market. From a
sleepy market it has now become one of the most
crowded and vibrant but in its favor one has to say
that everything we are looking for are to be found
there and also many things that irritate us.

Saturdays and Sundays are the only days we have

free time. Unfortunately the whole town suffers
from the same symptom. The shops are fine, even
the crowd can be tolerated. What makes the
experience tiresome is the walking area is full of
well entrenched hawkers taking up the whole place
and the shopkeepers displaying their wares outside
the showrooms, taking up the walking area. Then
the itinerant sellers with their wares on their
shoulders keep coming on, they stand right in your
path and ask you to buy their hankies, belts or
tablecloths - the list is long. I feel like giving them
one. To add to the melee are the beggars.

66
Dirt from spitting, garbage and the attitude that
every corner is a dustbin if not a toilet forms part
of the larger picture.

And I wonder why I am getting so tired in this

surrounding. Is it the carbon dioxide in the air or
just my sensitivity or something else? Of course the
attitude of the people we end up interacting with
is very “do-your-thing-quickly-and-go”; polite but
couldn’t care less.

Then I chanced to read a passage: “Stress is

physically infectious. People under stress radiate
stress energy to the surroundings through their
chakras and auras. Consciously or subconsciously
they transfer a great bulk of stress by being nasty
and rude to others”. I find this definition
explaining perfectly the fatigue I feel. The relief I
get on getting out of the market is palpable; as if
coming out of a sauna.

The auras of others are not the only thing I would

say. When you are used to cleaner environment and
have spent a lot of time in beautifying your space,
and you wish to live a “beautiful” life, you are
annoyed and it shows when you have to tolerate
the mess and dirt created by others – specially in
public places. I have always used the condition of
the toilet area as an indicator of the mentality of
the owners and a very fine pointer to the
environment and attitudes I will meet there. I have
rarely been wrong.

67
I have often wondered why as a people we are so
callous about the cleanliness of public spaces.

Why do we shout when we are angry?

I received this question in the mail; and this little

story. The story is beautiful and does explain
poetically many things but I felt that the question
needs to be studied a little more closely and
objectively.

First the story:

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in

anger?
Why do people shout at each other when they are
upset?'
'But, why shout when the other person is just next to
you?' Why do you shout at a person
when you're angry?'
Because he explained, 'When two people are angry
at each other, their hearts get distanced.
To cover that distance they must shout to be able to
hear each other.
The angrier they are, the louder they will have to
shout to hear each other through that great
distance.'
Have you noticed two people in love?
Because their hearts are very close to each other
they talk softly. They do not speak, only whisper and

68
they get even closer to each other in their love.
Deep love does not even need whispering.

I was pondering over this question yesterday. A

small visit into my own self made me realize
something.

We shout mainly to hit hard. It is a physical action.

The need to hurt the other guy is strong. It is only
thoughts of our self preservation that keep us in
control. Quite often even this control line is also
crossed. People with low mental discipline cross this
line with greater speed and ease. Their egos are
easily bruised and they have very little to lose as
they have very little to live for. It is best to keep a
distance from these people as they will let fists fly at
the smallest excuse.

I have often felt that many people are actually

looking for a good scrape. This is how they
revalidate themselves. Their indignation is a
wonderful act of contrived acting. When we are
nitpicking and focusing on faults of others, anger
comes easily and with justification. Vaingloriously
and righteously we march forward to correct, change
and educate this uncouth world.

It is so exhilarating to let one-self go when we see

we have the upper hand in a particular argument;
especially if the recipient of the anger is not in a
position to fight back. In contrast you should see the
softness of attitude exuded by Beings who have

69
Compassion and benevolence as the foundation of
their persona.

I have observed anger suddenly popping up from

somewhere deep inside me. More often by the
helplessness I feel. The galling fact of having to
accommodate and tolerate gives rise to most bombs
of anger.

Mostly anger is the only method available to show

how deeply we have been wronged. Verbal abuse is
the natural culmination of this aspect. When our
intellect or position in society has been attacked we
have to let fly. But we cannot go beyond certain
limits as we live, although I say it erroneously, in
polite society. We want to follow rules of decent and
logical behavior which the other person is not
prepared to; he may be crossing the line rather more
than just subtly by infringing on our rightful space.
The legal system cannot always be counted on to
provide relief. Our seething is also a show of our
helplessness. Living with louts is such a pain.

But then the next question is why and about what is

all this anger. Is it worth it? Can’t we live without it? I
have understood that with wisdom the need or
putting it another way, the irritants become less and
less. When we see the continuity of life and the state
of the Creation, a little introspection and a visit into
our subconscious will show that we are acting and
reacting more by certain habits than a real need to
be angry. We have been conditioned that way and

70
we are only carrying forward some patterns received
from the human chain.

I have often observed irritation precedes a full show

of anger in me. And if there is no backlash, it grows
in intensity as it is poured out. Often when my little
one is “NOT LISTENING”, I am able to restrain
myself saying she is but a child but the other side of
logic says that she has to be corrected and shown
the error of her ways. (I suppose we feel this way
towards the whole world). But now she is telling me
back that if I do not “listen” to her she will get angry
at me. She is reflecting my own behavior. We want
her to listen to us and she wants us to listen to her. It
is an impasse. So what is the right way to tackle this
situation?

We can break this pattern by dint of effort to

rationalize and teach ourselves new tricks.
Subconscious patterns can over-power us before
our will power and reason has a chance to kick-in.
So this process needs time and continuous
vigilance. The effects of our effort will start showing
when we become less serious about the vagaries
and stupidities of life and see the whole as a bit of a
comedy.

As a parting shot I may add that it has been noticed

that men tend to give physical form to their anger
while women stick to more verbal methods.

71
Some of you maybe interested in the
conversation below:

Dear PK,
Do you have a solution (to change in a systematic
manner) for tackling with and surviving husbands
who bully and shout at wives at the drop of a hat?
They just look for mistakes only all the time and
never miss an opportunity to shout and insult.
This way the dignity of the wife is not respected.
I know this man comes from a house where his
mother, even at the age of 70, gets shouted at all
the time by his father. He has been raised this
way. They think this is manly behavior. At time he
is raises his hand and causes physical hurt in
various ways. One is left with no choice than to
complain with police but most of the times I've
noticed in most cases even the police don't take
it seriously as these men are connected.

Is there a possibility of bringing some sense to

these relationships? Even if the wife doesn't
react, these guys become irritated and go on
using abusive word and provoke intentionally. I
agree with you as I too know for sure that (your
words) - "I have often felt that many people are

72
actually looking for a good scrape. This is how
they revalidate themselves."
But I am talking about cases where even without
the fault of others they misuse their positions.
Looking for guidance.

PK’s answer: From a level-headed general view,

your question would be replied like this:

What you describe is a fait accompli. The cast

has solidified and change is not possible. Some
cosmetic changes maybe possible if the husbands
cooperate but the basic nature of the men is
strongly embedded with certain habits and will
not change. Any efforts at change will only
produce very opposite reactions and
contradictory results.
The husbands have evolved into what they are and
who will show them the error of their ways and
how?

They have willing women who stick to them

nevertheless. Why should they change? They are
quite happy as they are. Humans normally do not
think or want to bring in change in themselves
after their personalities have formed. After the
age of 21 or so it is more a question of proving

73
themselves and they will put all their effort in it
- never in change.

Societal pressure can bring in some restraint but

most societies are too lazy to enforce anything.
Nobody wants get embroiled in other's problems.
Specially if it concerns the authority of men then
of course all men collectively will support their
dominance.
Human nature is such that it will justify itself and
try to prove that the fault is always of the other
guy - in this case of the women. Who will
contradict them or get into an argument to prove
them wrong or whatever?

The police always treat it as an internal family

matter. For frankly, they cannot really do
anything except lock up the men on charges of
battery and assault – if the women bring in this
charge and there is physical, medically proven
hurt to show which will stand up in court.
Battering women is manly sport and the mindset
of the police in India is no different.

What are the women doing? Do they realize they

are tacitly approving the behavior of their men?
Sure, the question does come up if they have any

74
options in life open to them to take any kind of
action; we have to understand their fear of losing
the roof over their heads and finding themselves
abandoned in the wild of the streets.

I have always felt that most people are where

they are because they have sort of agreed to
their state. Otherwise they would do something
about it. Unless they crave for a change and make
the first moves, nothing can be done.

Now what can we do for these women? Do the

women have any ideas?

The only medicine these men will understand is

force bruter than their own. Is this an advisable
route? Where and how to generate this force?
Fear is the key here. If we can instill fear in
them of severe repercussions, we might open a
window into their personas that would force them
to act otherwise.

Oh How I wish I could take a few bouncers with

me and give them a good dunking and put some
fear of god into them.

75
Then please also see the other side of the
picture. Women are no angels. Relationships
normally begin on a rosy note. They deteriorate
later because women do not realize that the man
who is initially totally under her spell will one day
wake up. By then women tend to pick up habits or
patterns of behavior of their own within the
relationship. They start expecting too much.
Later when the attraction of their charms has
waned, their habits like sulking, pouting and not
paying attention to anything but their own wants
& wishes can be severe irritants.

When arguments result, which is unavoidable,

both take rigid stands as if their positions are
inviolate. Resentments start to get entrenched in
their respective memories. From this point on,
the relationship becomes antagonistic.

Counseling should come in at this stage. Fear of

God and kindness of dispositions & other
considerations can do a lot to save the situation.
But where these are missing, selfishness and
arrogance will have their full play and only the
worst can be imagined.

76
Silence is Golden.

How often do you go out, sit in your rocking chair

and listen to birds and the trees and perhaps the
butterflies?

I asked this above question to a group focusing on

meditation.

One of the replies is: My inclination lies in Silence

-this has been the place in which I have felt at
greatest ease. Being an Observer, or Silent
witness, conscious of my Real Self, is my way of
life, and my Meditation lies on that path.

This is a beautiful reply.

Silence is the best environment to be in. It is the
strongest and most creative place. It is only in
silence that others can speak to us. The universe is
waiting for the din in our heads to quieten down so
that it could put in a word or two. But we forget
everything and focus on our ability of speech and
we never have seemed to learn to stop. A little
quietening down is absolutely essential both for
growing and for renewal. We need also a little
balancing act with ourselves to equate and see
ourselves in reflection; ourselves as our own
witness comparing and analyzing so that we can
know where improvement is needed. The flowers
and butterflies are silent but in action at the same
time.

77
Yes this is the enigma. Speaking in silence is the
trick.
The flowers, the cloud formations, the flowing
water and the shimmering reflection of the lights
of the cities in water, the he waves crashing on the
beach and so many other activities that do their
thing, communicate but never say a thing. How
entrancing they are. There is something in these
forms of happenings that attract our attention and
gels with some part of our being. If it were not so,
why would we want to collect butterflies and put
the flowers in pots? This is speech of a kind. We
can speak with the eyes, eyebrows, actions and
movement can’t we? The same way Mother Nature
speaks to us in various hues and modes. If only we
would listen.

I am a practioner of silent action. Once when I was

in the neighborhood park with my child who had
learnt to walk recently and she was exploring the
world of the grass, flowers, swing and other
exciting things, an older gentleman sitting and
watching us remarked that I rarely said anything to
the child but that I simply followed her around.
This is point that could be elaborated a bit. The
thing is that I was totally focused on the pleasure
of discovery that my child had created. I normally
went to the park at a time when it would not be
crowded. So we could open ourselves out in
comparative aloofness. But although the
appreciation of the gentleman came as a pleasant
surprise, this is the truth: my child and I were

78
communicating fully although without the medium
of speech.

I do not believe in over guiding, teaching or

counseling. Better to wait for the right moment
and make a remark based on the truth of my own
experience, philosophy and experience. This has
more impact than continuous lecturing.

Fair and Square

My daughter and I were watching Noddy on the TV.

All toy town people had just collected a bagful of
berries and the toy-town baddies had sneaked
around and stolen them. Noddy and the policeman
Mr. Plod were after them. Finally they catch up
with the baddies. Noddy shouts at them to return
the berries. The baddies shout back that they will
not only not return the berries but Noddy can’t
make them give it back; then, they had stolen the
berries “fair & square” and therefore the berries
now belonged to them by right.

What beautiful logic! I was amused to see the

resemblance to real life in this conversation. I go to
the park with my child everyday and allow other
children to play with the ball I carry with me. So
the ball is either in play with some kid or the other
or just lying there somewhere. Some time ago an

79
old lady picked it up and kept it in her lap. I was
watching her but did not say anything; later when
it was time to go home I went to her and asked for
the ball. She wasn’t very keen to return it thinking
of it as an abandoned ball. I had to explain to her
that I let other kids play but it was mine. She did
give it back but not happily. Then some days ago
when I was not looking, somebody took it away and
I have not seen it since.

Now what was I to think? Why are we so keen to

appropriate goods not belonging to us even if it is
abandoned? You remember the story of the lamb
drinking water at a stream and the wolf comes to
him and says that he was dirtying the water for
him. But the water is flowing downstream to me
says the lamb. Oh that does not matter says the
wolf; I am going to eat you anyway. “Any excuse
will do”.

How easily we convince ourselves and concoct up

proof to support our thoughts and thinking process
to our advantage. We all know what is good and
bad, correct and incorrect, right and wrong; that is
by our society’s standards but yet when it is in our
self-interest we look the other way without any
qualm of conscience. It is not surprising that even
after thousands of years of education, humanity
still supports the evil in our nature and it is more in
evidence than the good that we preach.

I would definitely like to know what in our nature

and way of thinking makes us so.
80
All of us read and expound sacred texts. We are
regular goers to places of worship. We attend
congregations for listening to advanced souls. We
have prayers meetings at home and dutifully
promote chanting and gatherings but for some
reason all this remains acutely as part of other
curricular activities. The philosophies we profess
never become part of our active life and do not
even scratch the surfaces of our real natures.

Are we hard skinned or so insincere in our basic

core that nothing can touch us our souls?

SAY “YES” TO LIFE

Life has a way of entering our lives before we have

any say. We are conceived and put out to pasture
and once out there what else can we do but say
“yes”. The first few days and years we have no
recollection of but from what we can see from the
miracle of life and bawling around us, it is a time
when we were carried, fed, cuddled and taken care
of. Somewhere this memory has been nagging us
and we as adults know that there is a better way to
live this life.

81
The dream is to find the magical fountain that will
give back those days without cutting out the adult
fun. The spoil sports are the other adults. Why does
it have to be that whenever people get together,
the social dynamics can get complicated?
And some do seem to find this fountain so it is
worthwhile looking for it.

All of us have been in love. Remember those

moments when the traffic always moved smoothly,
spring was perennially n the air, the meal was
always perfect and the object of our love was not
only perfection incarnate but gave us all the
cuddles and caress we could take? There was
promise of joy and happiness in the air. More to the
point in this state we are saying “YES” all the time.
So it proves that this state is possible but then as
we know life happens.

There is this little devil of selfishness & self-

centeredness that acts as spoil-sport. Giving to be a
joy has to be a two way effort. The world in the
state it is, cannot take too much giving without
wondering what the heck it is all about. Whatever
the Christian Love theory may say, giving the other
cheek does not work out very pragmatic in the end.

Life is what we make of it. Well then, what is the

pragmatic way?

82
I would say that we take cognizance that we have
influence in a given small crowd; let us worry about
this crowd. Let us also not forget that The Universe
or The Lord if you refer to call HIM, put us here and
we are serving a purpose. The first rule we should
exercise in our life is to act without “calculation &
pre-meditation”. The second being: leave,
absolutely leave, the rest of the world alone.
Another rule that I have found by experience is to
be honest with yourself and your neighbor. Say your
piece whatever it is. If you can’t afford it say so. If
you want something ask it. No hypocrisy.

If you are living for “Appearance’s sake” then you

are digging a hole which will eventually become
your grave. This requires a bit of intelligent
analysis of the situation, which means also that to
say yes properly we should learn to also say no.
People are selfish just as we are and out to grab
whatever they can and we should not promote this
attitude for as I would say it corrodes the soul of
the receiver and makes the giver miserable.

I really don’t think these lectures are required.

Adults will never make good teachers; there is too
much of their own personal agendas involved in
their lecturing. It is the children who have the
answers. See their attitudes and their approach to
life; sincere, always trying and learning new tricks
and sharing. There is “newness” in their personal
atmospheres and I feel this is the secret to it all.

83
Emulating them will give us the Key to the joy we
are looking for and the YES will get incorporated in
our lives without trying; but I warn you, the rest of
the world will think of you as immature and
unreliable and often “coarse”, especially when you
deny them something. But then you are here to say
YES to your life and not theirs! Have courage!! The
Universe is with you!!!

Nothing good to say

Out of ten people who speak about you, nine

would have nothing good to say. The one
person, who has something good to say, will say
it badly. – Pascal.

It is a sad statement about human nature that we

find it agonizingly difficult to speak well of others.
Praise has to be forced out of our hearts like a
breathing exercise. You would remember the times
you were asked to say thank you when you received
a gift or card and that was the last thing you
wanted to do. I have always wondered why
speaking well of anything comes only with so much
effort. Why do we want to hide what is in our
heart?

I read the original in French sometime 40 years

ago. It was quite an eye opener. Then I understood
the value of human comments. It is as good as nil.
People, as I understand, have two ways to see
84
others; the first is with compassion as the Dalai
Lama often reiterates-then you see everything with
a forgiving and admiring eye. Like a child looking at
the new world with wondrous astonishment The
second is the more normal way in which after the
world has bashed and squeezed us up somewhat,
our shoulders bent double with the heavy load of
cares, we turn cynical and can’t see anything good
in any situation, thing or act and person. We see ill
intent all around us and its expression.

Well there is definitely room for improvement in all

of us. We are not always very honest with others or
ourselves and then we go to inordinate lengths to
mask the truth of our hearts; often from ourselves
too. We have funny convoluted reasons for
conducting many of our business. This saying was
sent to me by a friend recently and it speaks
volumes about human nature: "Sometimes we don't
do things we want to do so that others won't know
we want to do them."
I would have thought this was self-evident. Does it
need to be said? Well we need to focus on the
positive aspect. Some people do live in
imaginatively speaking, clear-glass matter of fact,
sensible and nothing-to-hide way. They have many
happy stories to relate and are prepared to share
their time and possessions. They see life as
progressions of events designed to bring happy and
happier times. They have nothing to hide and
couldn’t care if whatever is visible is seen by
others. They have realized there are billions of
similar entities out there and they are nothing
85
special to gloat about. Self-aware and humble;
they are lovely people and these are the people
who will always have something nice to say about
you.

But alas they are rarely trained professors of

languages and have no training in PR techniques.
They are woefully inadequate in expressing
themselves in a precise and calculated language
that would leave no doubt in the mind of the
listener; something that leaves no room for double
entendres or further distortion. Because it is a
quirk of life that if anything can be distorted, the
embedded prejudice in people will do so and more
often than not, do it in such a way that a lingering
perfume of negativity is left behind.

The Art of not listening

Do you like to live your life your way? Then you

must absolutely cultivate the art of not listening.
Don’t be fooled by all these lectures on listening
that will improve your life by making you more
efficient and bringing in more value to your
existence. It is absolute baloney. Listening never
did any good to anybody. It only brings duties and
commitments and who wants any of this?

86
Look at this guy hogging the road or even that
pedestrian walking merrily in the centre of the
road. Both have been taught and told, I am sure
often enough, to be a little more “giving” and
considerate; if not for others at least for their own
selves. From their behavior you would believe that
they both acquired white hairs by standing under
the sun. Then coming down to the immediate
present, no amount of honking seems to affect
them. Are they deaf? No sir, nothing of this. They
are tax payers so they have rights and the roads are
for public use; although I would keep my fingers
crossed when making this statement.

The art of not listening has some techniques that

can be mastered by anybody.

First obviously is to go deaf. Refuse to allow a

certain level of higher frequencies to titillate your
nerves in the ear. What will the other guy do? Hang
you by the nearest tree?! There is really no point in
being considerate and raising our blood-pressure
levels, is there?

Second, learn to convert every exchange into an

argument. Put the other guy in the position to
having to clarify. Any stupid remark will do as long
as it is made as an accusation. Keep this up till the
poor other guy gives up and rearranges his life to
cut you out. The problem is that this technique is
used mainly in marriages where cutting out is not
so simple. It would be better then to learn to grin
and bear it.
87
Third, treat every question as an incriminating
statement and answer accordingly with a lot of
anguish and hurt in your voice and demeanor. Your
words should show it by saying immediately in
response something like: you are always shouting at
me. The idea would be clearly to put the other guy
on the defensive; the subject then getting
conveniently brushed under the carpet. The other
guy will eventually realize that he has been had but
what can he really do except grind his teeth?

Fourth, be the nice guy. Grunt a yes sounding

something and almost certainly do your own thing
unless it is blatantly against your good health
policy.

Fifth, is by changing the activity. Let us say you are

watching the TV and your partner starts speaking to
you. Immediately start fluffing the pillow with a
loud noise then say sorry and then ask him to get
you a glass of water. This does require a little
presence of mind but practice makes perfect.

Sixth, just lose your temper. This will act as

rumble-strips and slow the other fellow down and
even embarrass him. Take advantage of the
situation and accuse him of everything you can
think of. It will not only take care of the present
situation but make him downright scared for even
daring to open his mouth in the future.

Happiness is in not listening.

88
MENDING RELATIONSHIPS

A discussion began on the art of mending

relationships. But being the cynical guy that I am, I
was not convinced on the validity of the subject
matter chosen for the discussion. For as crystal
clear it can be, the first question is why did things
in the relationship come to the impasse where they
needed to be mended at all; secondly I am prone to
ask rather insensitively if there was a relationship
at all and if you are not better off without the
relationship hanging around your neck.
Humans are very imperfect and that is putting it
kindly and mildly. We are a mixed up lot. At any
given time so many factors are jostling for space in
our considerations that if Martians were peeping at
us, they would say we are awfully confused and
inconsistent even at the best of times.

It will be called improper but it has to be said that

we are opportunists. Find me one earthling who
will squarely deny that he was never tickled pink by
the slips and misfortunes of others; what a sense of
superiority it gives and in case of mishaps it is free
slapstick comedy. We love to have a hearty guffaw
at the expense. A certain level of insensitivity is
often shown openly which can mar relationships. If
we reign in our propensities to insult, spew venom
and laugh at others it is because we know that it
could turn out to be extremely injurious to our well
being. But when safe we do let ourselves go. It is
another matter the recipient of our amusement

89
may be hurt to the point of retaliation; quite a lot
of people do.

Well whatever the reason; inadvertently or willfully

if some drama was enacted that resulted in a
relationship to be torn asunder then the first
question to be asked is what happened. If it was a
planned move to break the relationship then there
is nothing except good riddance to be said. If the
instance was some of sort of accident then there is
only one thing to do. Quickly apologise and rectify
matters; if the other permits you. There is no
reason on earth to convince a battered ego that it
may have been an accident. Then one must face
the fact that accident or not, the loss of prestige
was real and humans don’t forgive so readily.

Then I have a special view of my own. It is my

contention that we are out to grab from each other
the most we can. Mostly, personally speaking, it
has only brought me tribulations. Why not let a
broken relationship be? Take it as a sign from
providence. Do we really need too many
relationships? My own bent is towards a highly
selective choosing of friends and let the other
contacts slip into oblivion. The logic is simple. If
they need me they will come to me. If I need them
I will go to them. Rarely anyone wishes to continue
with a relationship that has no benefit in it.
Drifting apart is a natural law.

90
I even go to the extent of breaking willfully certain
relationships that have been giving me a crick in
the neck. I have often exacerbated an issue that
effectively closed avenues for reconstructing the
relationship. Often even when the other party tries
hard to come over with a new gambit to start all
over again, I just play deaf and dumb. There is
enough precedence in life to support this attitude.
There has to be some reason behind the sayings –
Good fences make good neighbors - Treat every
man as a gentleman until he proves himself
otherwise. – Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
– A snake is better left in the bush etc etc.
Relationships kept for formality’s sake only give
irritating rashes.

I have a relation who is very nice and when we

meet he has a lot of gossip about others; not
always the good kind. So it is safe to assume that
he would be speaking of me to others too and not
always in very kind terms. This was confirmed by
one of my cousin sisters one day. After that I
deliberately, somewhat slowly though, started
keeping a distance and pointedly made it clear that
we are managing well without his attention. No
harm done. We are still on each other’s list of
invitees but we meet rarely. Both are quite content
with this state of affairs. I have created this chasm
with many relations who had outlived there
usefulness. Every relationship dropped gives few
more kilos of peace of mind. I put all my energies
in supporting and nurturing my relationships that
are happy ones.
91
Neighbors are the worst offenders. In the name of
neighborhood-brotherhood, they impose, intrude
and try more often than not to get more than what
politeness may deem right. I remember when we
had moved in to this neighborhood, a carpenter
was working with us. In my absence a neighbor
came and took him away for fixing his curtain rod.
Not only no permission was taken but he did not
pay the guy for his services; later on he tells me
that he was sure I would not mind. How selfishly
presumptuous!

Other incidences followed. Eventually I decided to

tick them off at the first opportunity which arrived
soon enough. They were clearly annoyed, told me
in no clear terms that I should not consider myself
very hoighty toighty and if I will be belligerent they
will answer by being tenfold. I kept my cool and I
told the old guy that he was my elder and he
should behave that way. He kept on ranting his
tune in his wild tone while I kept on repeating the
same sentence - "You are my elder. Please behave
that way." After about the seventh time he
relented and walked off. Later he tried to become
friendly again but I refused to accept his greetings
and never responded to any overture. Things are
now cool and contented between us.

There is a definite case of not fighting against

reality and destiny. Make the effort to keep good
relations but if they break nevertheless then let
them slip into their natural equilibrium.
92
The Art of Shirking

Mostly people are brought up to be up and doing;

you do, you get. In this environment where
everyone is up and about it requires a specific state
of mind to flow against the river. I used to be one
of those who would take a request personally.
Later I often found all my efforts going down the
drain because the other person had changed his
mind or requirements. It is then I decided to act on
anything only when asked three times.

People will ask you a service if you are available.

So the first step towards freedom is to not make
your-self available. There are a few ground rules
for this.

If you have been tuned to act and be of service

then you will have to retune yourself. Learn to
keep at the back of your mind this thought: what
will others say; what will they think of me; is it
legal; is it really necessary? With all these
considerations churning in your mind, you will
rarely find time or the inclination to make the first
move and by then hopefully the need to act will
have passed or the situation would have taken care
of itself. If you are unable to get the hang of my
thinking here, spend time with a government
functionary. You will see what I mean and learn a
few lovely pointers.

We are surrounded by responsibilities as it is. And

people around us want to take on many more.
93
Given the nature of life we can’t always say no
directly. The way out of this predicament is to put
all one’s energy in planning how to get out of it.
Search hard for excuses and reasons or excuses
couched in the garb of reasons. Raise objections;
don’t attempt to be logical.
If the other guy is sensible he will see through the
playacting and leave you alone. If the responsibility
is forced down your gullet and things go wrong
later, you can always crow about how you had
warned about it.

Convert everything into an argument. Let the other

guy explain himself get himself all tied up in knots.
Later on you can use the confusion to slip out of
any commitment.
If you are attacked just smile sweetly and look
apologetic and create another long argumentative
discussion.

When confronted by reality and there is no way of

running away from a face to face meeting with a
person you cannot afford to displease, - smile, be
accommodating, agree and make promises. Then as
soon as good form permits say your good byes on a
happy note and scram. As soon as you are out of
earshot, forget the whole thing. No point in
burdening your memory with non-essentials. The
guy will never realize how insincere you are and
will hope and wait for some time and perhaps even
call you on your mobile to find out how things are
shaping up, then as time is a great healer and helps

94
to forget, things will pass into the past and life will
go on.

In these circumstances it is good to have a

dependant like an old mother, or dog or child
around to take care of. They make wonderful
subjects for excuses which cannot be overridden.

Greeting My Child.

Today I can emphatically say that I am angry. What

is gone wrong with adults? The insensitivity shown
towards my child or for that matter other children
simply makes me want to strangle them; don’t be
fooled my exterior that is smiling benevolently.
What has got my blood boiling you ask?

The thing is that most evenings, my daughter wants

to go to my wife’s office to pick her up. As this
happens to be after work hours of the bank, my
child loves to play around in the open spaces of the
bank with no one around to stop her while my wife
finishes her day’s quota of work and closes down
for the day. All this is fine but take for instance
yesterday. On the way in, first we meet the guard
who keeps the doors locked and permits only
known people to enter. He greets her with a big
smile but these words – “Hullo. Who do you want to
meet? Your mother? But your mother is not there;
the bank is closed.”

95
You can see the excitement that was shining on the
face of the child disappear and concern wash over.
I am angry but say nothing. Will it serve any
purpose to teach the gentleman that this is not a
good way to greet the child by scaring him/her?
Where is the fun in this greeting?

Do we as adults greet other by saying things like –

Hullo you know your wife just left with another
man/ or Did you know your father just locked you
out of the house and went away? We do not think
this proper, do we? Or funny? Then why do we feel
this is amusing when we deal with the child who is
supposed to be learning from us through our
behavior?

Let’s get back to our story. Then we enter the bank

and there another lady colleague is encountered
and all she has to say is – “Hullo, baby, where are
you going? Your mother is not there! My poor child
is now upset and looking at me. I wink at her and
keep my mouth closed although I am seething
inside. I quietly pull her away and we walk on and
enter the big hall where my wife has her desk but
she is not at in her chair. Her colleague who is
sitting nearby and well known to the child says to
my daughter: “Oh you have come for your mother?
But she is not there.” My child is now really more
than upset. Thank God that she does not so easily
trust anybody. She holds my hand tight in concern.
I tell her that mummy has gone to the toilet and
she will be here soon. This time I show my
displeasure but only in my eyes as I make it clear
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that I am not happy at seeing him. But did he get
the message or just thought of me as uncouth.

The worst is yet to come. Some new recruits were

around. My daughter had just painted a wooden
house and was eager to show her handiwork, which
she does to her mother. The new recruit, a young
lady of some merit, asks my daughter who made it.
And of course she says, I made it. With her limited
vocabulary to her “make” “paint” all are the same.
The young lady shows her adultness by remarking
“No you did not make it. You are lying”. A straight
accusation without a second thought. I dare her to
do the same with another adult. I was livid with
disgust.

Had it not been in the bank, and out of

consideration for my wife, I would have lashed out
at these so called wise and intelligent adults of the
human race. What’s with these adults? Is this all
they know about talking to children? Is this their
idea of a joke (sic)? Are these the people who are
setting shining examples for the next generation?
God save this human race!

Keep your distance

It started with a man I saw lifting his hand to

intimidate a school girl outside the school when I
go to drop my girl. This enraged me and I could not
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resist intervening. But wonder of wonders, before I
could get going, my wife who fears for my well
being and is afraid that one of these days I shall get
beaten up butted in and started shouted at me to
shut up and mind my own business. This certainly
gave the man enough support to put up a show of
indignation and show some more of his violent side.
Not only that, others around rallied to cool me
down and indirectly ended up giving even more
moral support to the perpetrator of the action.
Well, this shows how well we feel towards children
who cannot fight back both due to their size and
the overwhelming authority adults have; and our
sense of psychology of the situation and values.

But things went further. My wife was more than

just vexed and showed it. She called me
psychologically unhinged and rued the day she
hitched her star to mine and so on so forth. This
was not simply getting annoyed and angry. I felt
there was something else behind it. Again for the
umpteenth time I noticed that this became an
excuse for my wife to assert her independence as
an individual and separate entity.

This will require some preamble explaining as to

what I am getting to. I have had this thought
floating for many years that though we want
closeness, hunt for affectionate relationships and
love affairs yet do not really ever open the doors to
our whole selves. My education in an Ashram made
me sensitive to this issue early on but I have begun
to understand it only lately after marriage and
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having to live with my mother after my father’s
death.

I recognize this fact because I could sense it in me.

So I made it a point to study myself and others
more closely. It is obvious that what we consider to
be our “SELVES” is a very egocentric persona and
not very stable at that. Every time closeness would
develop in a relationship I would get a funny, not-
so-comfortable apprehension that by merging my
self in the relationship I would lose my entity as a
person. It was like an undercurrent of unexplained
discomfort and I would then do some thing stupid
that would ensure that the relationship did not
cross a fine point and most often would then fade
away.

This experience is explained in many philosophical

and meditative techniques. Just imagine letting
ourselves go and becoming one with the universe;
will our SELF still exist? But it is a fact that when
we let our selfish selves go we do feel a release
and a friendlier atmosphere builds up around us.
But this is not an easy thing to experience or bring
into being by mere thinking and wanting. A certain
amount of self-transformation is required. Even
people who go for it consciously thru meditative
and yoga techniques tend to falter at the crucial
moment. So if my wife gets scared whenever a
“closeness” begins to develop, I am not surprised.
This is a very unconscious happening. Few would
agree to it and would never admit to going thru it.
But the subconscious has many tricks hidden at its
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core. The newer generations is showing it more
openly; laced with gadgetry they feel secure in
their aloneness, even a bit superior, fully confident
that they can manage perfectly by their lone selves
as if enclosed in a block of ice.

I have seen this happening mainly with mentally

advanced, city bred people, especially if they have
the good luck to have succeeded by the material
world’s standards and their egos have had the
pleasure of getting inordinately inflated. These
people are difficult at the best of times but
transform into veritable hissing anacondas if
crossed. Every little irritation is magnified into a
show of opposition as if attacked then logically
merits an exemplary retort and retaliation. In this
mood every word uttered or gesture is calculated
to cause grievous hurt. Often pots and pans fly. It is
a good exercise to make you grovel and remind you
of your place in the equation. You can forget
peace, quiet and affectionate hugs.

A woman scorned.

Today when I opened the papers, the first thing

that put a smile on my face was a comic strip and a
piece of news. I was thoroughly amused. It was also
proof that the world was in agreement and in tune
with me in many ways. A few days back I was
talking of the anger in relationships and how wives
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can come out with a thunderous clap on the
slightest sign of scorn being hinted.

What constitutes nagging and scornful exhibition

has not been documented yet. From the comic
strip, it would seem that everything said or hinted
in contradiction constitutes a scornful act which is
absolutely unacceptable. In this comic strip the
sentence “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
was being elaborated. The fuming woman was
serving dinner and telling her husband –“After a
whole day at my job I come back and bake you
these potatoes. Saying no thank you will NOT DO!”
The news item was more specific. The man had
become so fed up by the nagging of his wife that he
put her up for sale; we are to believe that they
were newly weds too. And wonders of wonders,
there were buyers ready too. The wife on her side
had a simple explanation: “I don’t think I nag him.
He just doesn’t do what I want him to”.

What a quandary this is. We all know what others

are going thru in marriages and we have all made
efforts to find mates. The best that can be said
about it all is that the chase was more interesting
than the catch. I don’t not know about the others
because arranged marriages cut out the chase and
fun and the joint family dampens the spirit yet this
very dampening keeps the joy of finding your girl
alone for yourself for a moment is akin to the chase
which goes on and on so I believe the charm of
mating lasts longer.

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Jokes apart, there is a kernel of truth in the above
pleasantries. Women are designed to be
appreciated; she is to be appreciated and be seen
as the centre of your little universe and forget the
rest as crap. She is never wrong or at fault. Get
this in your puny head. Any time you fail to give
signs of unfailing praise, you have legally and
literally scorned her. And that brings down the axe
with all its dangerous aftermath. In a pique they
may really even leave you so beware. But normally
they are more pragmatic than that. They stay and
keep you groveling and making it clear what
position you enjoy in the equation. You can want to
run away but where will you go?

Let go and let live

This subject keeps popping up every now and then.

How parents maintain control and run & ruin the
lives of their children till “Death doth them part” is
a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t
need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people
who practice strict hold on the psyche on their
children and for that matter anywhere they can at
home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common
that I decided to put down some of the
conversations I have had for all to note.

Here is one of the conversations:

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Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't
try to teach the world".

One of my close relative has been into

alcoholism for the last 25 years, his wife and
children have left him ages back, and he stays
with his mother.

Both of them share a very close bond and in

spite of him being in the habit of abusing his
mother...even at such an old age, separation
does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems
to work....can you suggest any way out?

My response:

I don’t think anything will work now.

He has decided that he will forever be a baby.
His mother is promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are
responsible for the low esteem and childishness
promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go
through when his mother is not there is just
frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part.
Anyone who interferes will only burn his fingers.

Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very

domineering and bosses dictatorial. Humans find it

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very difficult to let go. The misery that entails is
rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The
very psyche of the child is pummeled into a blob of
jelly. The indigestible truth is that the influences
of these parents goes on and on into many coming
generations as their children perpetuate the same
tendencies.

Here I give the essential extracts from another

conversation:
Question:
Considering history and events that mankind
chooses to write/record as history, humans are a
warring species, a cruel species, capable of any
atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that
in relationships a little appreciation goes a long,
long way. People who erroneously believe they can
bludgeon or humiliate a partner into some form of
submission are so far out of sync with reality . . .
yet it is common; why is that?
Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at
work. Humans have a cruel streak. The elements
of vanity and arrogance make them vulnerable.
Whenever and wherever they get a chance to
exercise their power over others, they do - often
with sadistic tendencies; from Dictators
downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the
cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just
about everyone.

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Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but
the harsh condition the child meets later changes
the basic nature in many different ways. As the
child grows older it learns to protect itself and
then it absorbs behavior patterns from his
immediate surrounding and learns to do things the
way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also
shown and taught that kindness can bring in more
rewards than brute sadistic action, the child will
never know better. It is all a matter of exposure
and examples set by peers.

The hold of the subconscious is very strong and

most of the time it is quietly & surreptiously
running the show. That is why we need to be
careful with what children might be absorbing.
Kind and loving parents, even indulgent ones but
firm on the “Ten Commandments” create the best
foundations.Unfortunately in real life the opposite
is more apparent.

Criticizing instead of softly correcting,

scolding/beating and doing the thinking for the
child instead of letting him discover and play;
thereby preempting him at every point are the
worst things that leave indelible marks and form
his adult nature. Experiences from the time the
child is born get stacked up in the subconscious
and influence his persona forever afterwards. It is
a chain reaction of habits and tendencies that goes
on and on from generations to generations.

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First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping
his wings at every step. Then we weaken him
emotionally by acting as crutches and then we
complain that our children are no good,
irresponsible and spineless; we even wonder if ever
they will grow up. First we stunt their personalities
and then ask them to go and make a mark in the
world –and that too in our image. How myopic can
one get?

It has been my contention that we should learn to

let go after
the age of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be
total; easier said than done though. Not only let go
but even withdraw from controlling interests;
continuing to live fully at the personal level but
ready for the transition that has to come eventually
sooner or later. I have seen many marriages ruined
or broken, many promising careers spoilt, and many
disturbed kids - all because of the interfering &
meddling from parents; many family owned
businesses that go bust because the old man at the
helm would not make the changes with the times
and the next generation was never groomed
properly to take over. It is so sad to see people who
have had their day clinging to every vestige of their
younger self, their positions and possessions;
anxious and sleepless as to what will happen after
them.

The graveyard is full of people who thought of

themselves as indispensable.

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What shall we call this? The human comedy or
human tragedy!

Dead or Alive

Would somebody tell me how valuable I am? Am I

more valuable dead than alive?

You would of course say “alive”. Truly you would

say I am asking a pointless and silly question. Very
well, then would you explain to me why nobody
could find time to visit Mr. X when he was alive but
all turned out to pay him “respect”(sic) when he
finally called it a day? Am I being silly then? Now
my own time is not too far off. I was reflecting on
my own life. I did the unpardonable by living by my
principles and whims instead of the community’s
and was rather stark in my annoyance if anyone
crossed the line beyond reasonable limits. So today
I have the pleasure of rarely receiving anyone from
the family; even the ones who found me “super”
when younger. They remember my indiscretions,
my frank and outgoing speeches and think I am best
kept at a distance which suits me fine (I suppose
they are afraid I will contaminate the minds of
their children).

The other day I was talking to my wife on this

subject and I told her when my time comes would
she have the guts to ask people to leave me alone

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in death as they had done in life? I would definitely
want it so.

I do wonder why we give so much importance to

death and make it such a grim and solemn affair.
After-all the departed one could not care less and
he could be in no way sad about the turn of events.
There is this uppermost enigma in my mind as to
why we reserve the eulogizing for the dead while
the living ones get all the contemptuous glances
and more? There is no love lost before death and
after it there is nothing but it. If anyone is looking
for proof of the basic elemental dishonesty in
human nature one has to simply visit a wake. All
their lives those who were dying to hear a kind
word have to literally die to hear one!

Hidden Messages

But this was also a pointer to how we complicate

our lives by assigning meanings to things by letting
our imaginations roam and fly of the handle. How
we interpret situations with angles that are not
there. What could be the reason behind it?

One reason comes explicitly to mind to me because

I have used it as a gambit in the game of life.
Others there may be but would not be so clearly
obvious. It is that we want the other guy to say
something specific and as we can’t put words in his
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mouth we goad him to come out with it by
purposely taking the route of misunderstanding. We
use the part accusation and part hurt-my-feelings
style. The ploy is to show that we have
misunderstood by accusing him indirectly or (why
not) directly. In his defense and to keep the
goodwill alive the other person then is sort of
obligated to say something nice and reconciliatory
which is more in line to what we want to hear

For this purpose the sentence “So you mean to

say……..” to start an accusation works very well.
After this sentence is in the air, the respondent has
no other recourse but to go on the defensive and
explain his point in very “EGO calming” tones. A lot
of people have perfected this as an art. In many I
have noticed this has become part of their persona.
Don’t’ fall for it.

Anyway, generally speaking I have seen the turmoil

and tragedies we humans create by being
ambiguous; sometimes just for the cleverness of it.
If we could only be clear and precise at all times. If
we make it a habit which others will soon
recognize, we would soon avoid so many
unpleasant situations.

True, we may lose many acquaintances that waste

our time and opportunities that would have
perhaps brought us loss or fatigue but we may also
be more contended and I think it is all worth it.
True friends never go away; rather they relish the
candid truth.
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Clarity of expression is avoided only where
heightened egos are at play. And when these are
around, peace and happiness or great achievements
never take place. Although I have to admit in the
need for tact in life threatening situations it is
better to lie and play the game then get into an
ugly situation for nothing.

But whatever one may say I would rather do

without all this complicated stress with a dagger
pointing at me, calculating at all times what is to
be said and what left unsaid and how to say it. I say
just let it rip but do not let any hint of malice in
your words or attitude; unfortunately this is the
stuff of saints and most humans would only scoff at
me.

Knowing thru Words

The big question is how does one learn about new

phenomenon thru words, or even pictures and
other previously known data or facts; more to the
point is the question is it at all possible? When we
read about new things all we have are words and
thru the words we try to paint a picture in our
mind. How reliable is the picture that we make?
Even when we have pictures or diagrams to
facilitate our picturising does it really do what was
intended?
The answer is a flat no. At best we can expect a
very poor approximate. Even with very vast
experiences and exposure, with very well written
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words to explain in detail, the feel cannot be
obtained and that will never make the experience
complete.
Everyone has sometime or the other seen lovely
pics of snow laden countryside mainly in calendars
as the main picture for the winter months. It gets 8
degrees minus out there and a wind is blowing.
Taking the chill factor the cold is like 20 deg
minus. But here I am in Delhi; a resident from the
warm plains of India. It does get cold here too but.
Even if I went and sat in the refrigerator, I would
not realize the way the cold gets into the bones;
especially when it goes on and on and there is
nowhere to run away from it. All I can do is
compare it with the cold I have known and because
I am from the desert region, more used to the heat
at 30 to 40 deg C, even the 5 degrees of Delhi are
enough to give me the shivers. Then we do have
the experience of chilly winds coming down from
the mountainous regions so we can easily visualize
by stretching the imagination what is happening to
the people in the picture. But what about the
people further south living comfortably in the south
of India by the sea side? Will they ever understand?
Can’t see how?

It is a rare person who can pass thru the barrier of

words to experience anything. I am not aware of
anyone with this capacity. Words are self limiting.
Adding to this limitation is the fact that in
everybody’s memory any given word will pop up
pictures which are different from individual to
individual. What cold means to me may mean
111
totally something else to the other guy who
constitutionally can tolerate extreme cold dips and
still be comfortable in a T shirt. Somebody who has
not seen the seas can only compare the word
picture of the sea shore and the horizon by
comparing to a lake he has known. Even by a long
stretch of the imagination he will never really
realize the vastness. A picture would help and
thank God for photography.

Resolved, Signed and Sealed.

Let us see; are we going to take the coming of the

New Year as an excuse for revelry or while we have
drunk ourselves to the ground we might even take
on the onerous task of some introspection which
should result in some resolutions to be made. I fear
that the resolve to stick to resolutions lasts only up
to the second drink. But this is not going to stop
every individual who takes the coming of the New
Year seriously to make definite resolves, sign it and
seal it as a document of great import and intent.

It is another thing that the document maybe

trashed in the very first week of the year. Then
why do we make these resolutions? Are we basically
insincere?

Well, No. There is nothing insincere about it. Look

at it with a little compassion and understanding.
This is the only time of the year that I get the
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opportunity to take my friend’s wife in my arms
with any kind of abandon; we are all allowing
ourselves big margins of freedom from daily self-
control. This is the time for fun and one takes what
one can. And if to impress her I have to announce
some resolutions, why not? Who would be coming
to check on me anyway?

Talking about insincerity, I must really take

offense. How can you talk to me like this? I am a
responsible person. I take my job, family and other
responsibilities seriously. It is just this little habit
of smoking that I find difficult to quit. What with
all the stress all these people create around me. My
bosses are screaming for things to be done
yesterday and the whole office is under the
impression that I am slacker. When I reach home
the litany of woes is the first thing I hear. Well, of
course I understand that taking care of all the
household chores and the three kids can fray the
nerves of my wife but then what can I do? I bring in
the moolah and go thru the squeezer without
complaining so why is she nagging? The whole
problem in this life is the lack of understanding I
have to tolerate from all these selfish people. Oh
How I wish there was a way around all this? I did
spend three nights at the hospital with our son did I
not? Does that not count for anything?

Well in my home I am the boss is it not? So after

weathering the storm outside, if I take on a smoke
or even a chota peg, am I out of line? I had a bad
day at the office. My boss won’t understand the
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problems I have with my juniors. I did not employ
them or choose them but I have to get work out of
them. I shout and push but these people are so
mule like. God; life is unfair.

Ok. This is the last day of the year and a good

farewell party to the year has been organized at
the office. After all it is considered auspicious to
ring in the New Year on a happy note, so it is
imperative I be there. I know I will get sloshed with
all this imported whiskey being pushed under my
nose, but then this is just once a year and one
should not be a stuffed shirt anyway; don’t you
think?

Good, then! I resolve to cut down on my smoking,

drinking even the occasional type, keep a more
reasonable attitude towards my colleagues and
wife. I will try not to lose my temper and instead of
pushing people around I will try to cajole them. I
will definitely get into the meditation circle in the
office and try to see things from a calmer
perspective. Perhaps spend some time regularly at
the gym too. If only these idiot drivers would stop
honking and try to overtake me at every bend I
could think things over more deeply!! God..this
cellphone….am I never to know peace from this
infernal instrument.

And then; why focus on my resolutions and change

so much? Why can’t you resolve not to irritate me a
little less? Am I asking too much?

114
Engaged and Busy.

The title may seem as if I am going to talk about

being professionally busy or posing as such. No; I
have another story this time. These are the two
words I hear very often nowadays and I am
prompted to talk about some of the incidences that
I have experienced. Now let’s see how shall bring
up the subject?

I have what can be called by ordinary world’s

standards arrived at a ripish age. An age when
people are planning retirements and wish for quiet
and I went and had a child who is now three and a
half years old. So I have a bouncing child on my
hands. My job is to be with her all day and play
with her and feed and clothe and look after all her
every other need. It is a full time, 24hours job. I
wonder if people around me can see the effort I
have put in and the fatigue from sleep deprivation
as my bouncy little girl is keeping on my toes and
has completely annihilated my sleeping and any
thing other schedule. But I have enjoyed every
minute of the last three and a half years. I suppose
there have been annoying moments when I lost my
cool because my needs were pitted against that of
the little imp and there is no discussing the matter
with her. But her smile and embrace and joy at
seeing me override everything.

So you get the picture? Now let me give you

another one or two.
Picture one:
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I am out playing with my child in the neighborhood
park. It is chilly winter days so many of the citizens
are also present, sunning themselves. Here is a
friend who sees us and the conversation goes like
this:
Friend: Hullo. Playing with the child?
ME: Yes. (I would have thought that would be
obvious but then we tend to clarify so often the
obvious)
Friend: Yes somebody has to take her out to play.
(Again another obvious fact; don’t I know it! I don’t
believe in servants raising up children. My
philosophy is simple: either you should not go and
have a child or go the whole hog and raise the child
yourself properly)
ME: It is a full time job. (I don’t want to hurt his
feelings because he is trying to make conversation
but I have nothing to say really).
Friend: This is good you know. At least it keeps you
engaged and occupied (now this bugs me. He has
retired. He has no interests, no work to worry
about and of course he sees the world though these
conditioned lenses in his eyes at my age I would be
in the same boat. What he does not see is that I
love my child and love being with her. It is the only
joy I have known. Going out to play is not a chore
but a definite pleasure. Anyway they all know that
I have multiple interests and that with my small
business and hobbies I am actually hard pressed for
time and the energy to carry my objectives
through. Yet I have been hearing the same
comments very often from many many people over
the past three years.)
116
ME: Yes. Ha, Ha…..( what else is there to say but to
smile and move on)

Picture two:
The other day one of my elder cousin sisters passed
by and she is a “somebody”. She has a Doctorate
and has been a lecturer etc. She really takes
herself rather seriously. We meet rarely. This time
we met after four years. The truth is she did not
come to see me; she thinks I am a wastrel. She had
come to see my mother. But I had to keep the
formalities alive so I came out for a moment from
my cubbyhole to say hullo. And this is how the
conversation unrolled:

Sister: So how are you and how do you keep

yourself busy? (I know the question does not need
an answer and even if I did there would a negative
analysis following it. So I keep my cool).
ME: Fine. I now have a full time job (I try to keep
my tone jocular and hope the conversation would
end there. But no; these elderly sisters have always
something more to say.)
Sister: This is good. It keeps your mind engaged.
(The trigger has been pressed and I am annoyed but
then I decide to play cool)
ME: Was my mind disengaged till now?
Sister: (A little embarrassed) No I meant busy.
ME: Ha ,Ha.

What I wish to know is this need of everybody to

explain everything to me. All I have to do is make a
statement and the person will start analyzing my
117
motives and reasons for me & let me know so. It
could be that they themselves are thinking aloud
but it is definitely annoying and conversation
stopper to my way of thinking.

Do you have anything to say?

Some comments

Doing nothing is better than Being Busy Doing

Nothing. – Lao Tzu

This sounds simple. Have you ever tried to do

nothing? You will be surprised how difficult it is to
do nothing. It requires letting go of the feeling that
if you don’t do it things will not get done.
Then who will make my breakfast you would ask
and who will broom the place? You are right; these
things do need to be done but let us look at the
world at large.

This saying is for agitated people who cannot sit

still and who have overactive minds. They have to
be up and doing even there is nothing to be done.
These people are a pain in the neck because in the
name of assisting they interfere and upset the
equilibrium all over the place. Asking them to sit
still is tantamount to punishing them and asking to
keep out and away will make them jump to
conclusions and even more agitations.

118
Doing nothing requires to let the world run itself,
enjoy the moment, bask in aloneness and savor
silence. It is another matter that this repose is also
therapeutic both for the body and spirit.

The Most Common Way People give up their

Power is by Thinking that They Don’t Have
Any. – Alice Walker

We talk and discuss how the world is tearing apart

and everything we valued is breaking up. And as a
footnote we never forget to add –“but then what
can we do?” When we notice a mistake, an
injustice happening, something out of place, do we
do something or give ourselves the excuse of
squarely blaming the authority like the
Municipality, Police and the Government?
If there is a stone in the middle of the road, how
many of you would stop to remove it? By not acting
and using the power of the individual as a person
you are simply forgoing it. Then you are also giving
the right to others to do as they will and your own
right to raise objections is cancelled.

Believe Nothing, No Matter where you read it or

who said it, unless it agrees with your own

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reason, experience and common sense. –
attributed to Buddha.

This is definitely the path of right action but if you

observe with intent, you will clearly see umpteen
examples of it never being practiced. The
confidence and panache with which people will talk
of things they have no idea about is a phenomenon
about humans which never ceases to surprise me. If
you ask them how and where they learnt about and
on what authority they base their claims, the
chances are that you will get the reply “They
say….” The truth is that we say, think and act in
synch to suit our needs of the moment and
everything we do is a back-up to justify our desires
of the moment. We behave not by reason but by
what is convenient at any given moment and often
we change, deny and even lie about things as it
suits us. As we shall never admit or agree to it
there is not much point in pursuing the subject.

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