07/02/2015

TheBarristerBard

TheBarristerBard
Witty,incisivecommentonthelawtoday.
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ABOLISHTRIALBYJURY
February6th,2015

Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the

water,AlisonSaundersbobsyetagaintothesurface.
I remind readers, as I remind myself, that she is the
DirectorofPublicProsecutions,andinthisrole,she
isresponsibleforseriousprosecutionsandwhenthey
are brought. A heavy responsibility you may think,
andonenottobeundertakenlightly.
Whilsttheroleisanonerousone,thepressuresonthe
incumbent are lightened in great measure by an
annual salary of 200,000 together with the usual
absurdly generous civil service pension. Her
predecessor in title, Keith Starmer, is now Lord
Starmer of Horlicks, so Ms. Saunders has much to
lookforwardto.Inthemeantime,sheblunderson.
Thelatestblundertobelaidatherdoorhasbeenthe
disastrousdecisiontoprosecutetwodoctorsallegedly
involved in female genital mutilation, or FMG,
popularinmanycountrieseastofSuezbuthavingno
placeinacivilisedsociety.IntheUnitedKingdom,
it is illegal, but then so is child trafficking by
Pakistanigangs,andvoterigging,andhonourkilling,
and slaughtering animals by slitting their throats.
Once embedded, its the devils own job to root out
these evil practices. But thats another story, and
with this ridiculous political correctness where you
cantcallaspadeaspade,itwillremainunaddressed
fortheforeseeablefuture.
If this prosecution should never have been brought,
what was the judge doing? He does have a role to
play in the conduct of the trial, and the rules are
clearlydefined.Ifheisoftheopinionthatthejury,
properlydirectedbyhimnodoubt,couldnotconvict
ontheevidencepresentedbytheprosecution,itishis
dutytostopthecase.Hedidnt,soinfairnesstoMs.
Saunders,therewasatleastacasetoanswer.
Sadtosay,Iblamethisandothersimilarcasesonthe
judge. Time and again, when the case cries out for
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judicialinterventionthejudgeremainssilent,passing
thebucktothejury.Andtimeandagain,thejuryare
foundwanting.
The students of our legal system will know that in
daysofold,thejurywereallmale,anduntilrecently,
over the age of 21 and property owners. This last
prerequisitewastoensurethatjurorswererespected
citizens within their own community, knew
something about life, and as important, could read
and write. Successive governments watered down
these prerequisites, presumably in the interests of
politicalcorrectness,sotodaywehaveajuryofboth
sexes,Joe,Jane,andevenundeclared,swingingboth
ways, and as important, bringing to the jury box all
the gravitas of a comprehensive education, which
means they can neither read nor write. The age
qualificationhasbeenreducedto18,sotodaysjury
can be a frightening assembly of gormless halfwits,
allwearingfootballshirts,sittinginjudgmentoftheir
peers, and receiving very little help from the judge
whentheydesperatelyneedit.

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Ihavesaiditbefore,andIsayitagain,trialbyjury
no longer inspires confidence within or without the
criminaljusticesystem.Itisalsoexpensiveandadds
considerably to the cost of the trial, which becomes
protractedbeyondmeasure.TrialbyJudge,together
with two lay assessors, is far preferable, more
efficient and likely to produce the desired result,
whichistoensureafairtrialandtherightverdict.It
worksperfectlywellinthecivillaw,sowhynotthe
criminal law? As now, any verdict that is deemed
unsafecanbereferredtotheCourtofAppeal,andthe
icingonthecakewouldbeareasonedjudgmentfrom
thejudgeandhisassessorsexplainingwhytheyhave
decided to convict or acquit. At present, nobody
outsidethejuryroomisentitledtoknowhowthejury
reachedtheirverdict.
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STORMINADCUP
February5th,2015

StorminaDcupwashowitwasdescribed.Irefer
totheSunsdecisionsomeweeksagotoendthepage
3 topless models after more than 40 years as a full
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frontalattraction.
I am blessed with babysoft hair, which has to be
cossetedandnurtured,themoresoasIgrowolder,to
avoidaridiculousbackcomb,or,worsestill,ashiny
bald pate. So I visit my hairdresser once every 8
weeks, and this is the only opportunity I have to
check out page 3, which they place within easy
reach. Two conclusions can be drawn from my
experience: the first is that I am far from needing a
dailyfixofpage3,andthesecondisthatIinvariably
turntopage3assoonasIhavesettleddowninthe
chair. My excuse is that I am hard pressed to find
anythingelseofinteresttoread.
Continuing the feminist theme, I suppose their
argument against topless models is that it not only
demeansthefairersex,butitalsoputsdirtyandevil
thoughts into the minds of redbloodied males who,
at the drop of a bra, are going to grab a handful, or
twotobeprecise,assoonastheyespyagirlwithbig
knockers. Thats complete rubbish, as it simply
doesnt happen. So that leaves the feminist lobby
bleatingonaboutexploitingvulnerablegirlswithbig
tits who dont know any better, and who need help
and protection from themselves. Killjoys is how I
woulddescribethem.
IconfessthatIhaventfollowedtheprogressofany
of these delightful girls, indeed I can only name
Samantha Fox, who went on to modest fame and
fortune, as one of the many page 3 girls who have
shown their wares to good effect and have launched
somesortofmediacareeronthebackofit,orrather,
on the front of it. I have not read one single report
that these girls exposed their breasts against their
will. They knew what they were doing, they didnt
thinktheyweredoinganythingwrong,andnordoI.
Iampleasedtoreportthatthepage3girlsareback,
and I am due for a light trim in two weeks time.
Yippee!
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SHEWASGAGGINGFORIT
February1st,2015

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I have been following the latest machinations over

rape allegations with some interest, as they have
seriousconsequencesforallredbloodiedmaleswho
areoutontherut.Forthepasttenyearsormore,a
politically driven agenda has been thrust down the
throats of court users about the deplorably low
percentageofrapeallegationsthatleadtoconviction,
andsuccessivegovernmentshavebeenenjoinedtodo
somethingaboutit.
My considerable experience tells me that there are
basicallytwodefencestoanallegationofrape:either
itwasntmegov,orshewasgaggingforit.Itis
alsocorrectinmyownexperiencethatmostofthose
accused of rape are acquitted, not simply as a result
of the brilliance of my advocacy, but because the
jury did not believe beyond a reasonable doubt that
thevictimdidnotconsent.
Into this squirming sack of grubby emotions steps
Ms.AlisonSaunders,whoisapparentlytheDirector
of Public Prosecutions, so she should know better.
And is it just me, or are women taking over the
world?Andisitjustme,ordoyousharemydislike
for the prefix Ms? Its all to do with political
correctness,orsotheysay,butspeakingformywife,
and I suspect millions of other wives, when she
agreedtomarryme,conventiondictatedthatshetook
my name and became Mrs. Osborne. She does not
wish to be referred to as Ms. Osborne, nor does she
wishtobeknownasmypartner.Itsinsulting!
Anyway, back to Ms. Saunders and her camp
followers. She has decided, or rather it has been
decided for her, that anybody who makes an
allegation of rape must be believed, and everything
possibleinthetrialprocessmustbebenttowardsthe
conviction of the accused. Rape trials from now on
are no longer to be prosecution led, but conviction
led, and when you add into the mix that prison
sentences for rape are getting longer and longer, the
opportunities for a serious miscarriage of justice are
selfevident.Orshouldthatbems.carriage?
Sarah Vine, or more properly Ms. Sarah Vine the
journalist, summed up the feelings not just of red
bloodied males but also the legions of fair minded
people. Like me, she deplores the socalled
vagenda, the all men are rapists brigade advanced
by vocal feministas like Harriet Harman and the
femifascist twitter mob who increasingly seem to
holdswayinpublicpolicy.Predictably,Ms.Harman,
and I use that form of address advisedly, replied to
Ms. Vines comments with the usual feminista
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clichs,defendingMs.Saundersfortryingtoensure
thatvictimsofrapegetjustice.Gawdhelpus!
Ihavealwaysfounditdistastefulandunattractivethe
suggestion that as the victim was blind drunk she
therefore unable to give her consent to sex, or more
to the point, she gave her consent which she would
not have given had she been sober. In my book,
consent is consent, blind drunk or otherwise, and
regret after the event cannot make it rape as Ms.
Saunders and Ms. Harman seem to be advocating.
SaveusfromtheMssss!
I have a very simple solution which Ihopeyou will
agreeisfair.Ifthecomplainant(Idonotrefertoher
as the victim) was under the influence of alcohol or
drugs, or both, when she was raped, this provides
the accused with a complete defence. End of story
and a victory for fairness, moderation and common
sense!
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ITBEGGARSBELIEF
January24th,2015

Itsenoughtomakestrongmenweep.A91yearold
manlivingwithhiscatFluffywasforciblyremoved
fromhishomewherehehadlivedforover50years
and locked in a dementia unit against his wishes by
his caring social services of Essex Council. And to
addinsulttoinjury,EssexCouncilhadthetemerityto
chargehim25,000fortheprivilege.
Fortunately for him, but not before 18 months of
incarceration,hisfriendraisedthealarmandhewas
rescued.Thejudgewhoheardthecasewasscathing
inhiscriticismoftheCouncilsconduct,whichthey
sought to justify to the bitter end. The elderly
gentlemans pleas to be allowed to return home fell
ondeafears,givingrisetoacommentfromthejudge
that the Councils conduct was nothing short of
reprehensible. Whilst at the age of 91, being
incarcerated for 18 months must have seemed an
eternity,theCouncilwasrequiredtopayhim60,000
in damages, which no doubt will come out of their
budgetasprovidedbythetaxpayer.Thesadreality
is that nobody on the Council was prepared to take
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any of the blame, as in their book, there was no

blametotake.
Overtheyears,IhavedonemybesttodefendSocial
Services from their catatonic mistakes on the basis
theytheyhavetomakedecisionsthatwillaffectthe
welfare of many in their care. You will remember
notsolongagothecatalogueofmistakesrelatingto
vulnerable children, where Social Services failed to
act despite the clearest warning signs, and the
childrendiedhorribledeaths.Intheirdefence,such
as it was, they saw nothing to arouse their
suspicions.Itbeggarsbelief.
Thegoodnewsforthoseofusnudgingatthemargins
ofadvancingyearsisthattheSocialServicescannot
simplywalkintoourhomesandmarchusofftothe
twilighthomeforthebewildered.Theyneedacourt
order, and we are entitled to be legally represented
and to be heard. So if some Gauleiter comes
knockingatyourdoor,tellhertogetstuffedwithmy
compliments.Assomebodyoncesaid:Dontletthe
buggersgetyoudown!
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WITNESSCOACHING
January23rd,2015

The Crown Prosecution Service [CPS] is going to

encourage its advocates to coach witnesses before
they give their evidence in court. The thinking
behind this serious tampering with a witness is to
assisttheminstickingtothescriptandtoanticipate
and deal with hostile questions flying at them from
thedefencelawyer.
I am a fan of most things American, but not their
criminal legal system. Its very much like the
curates egg, good in parts. Their jury vetting
process is a good idea, to weed out the braindead
moronsandtherednecks,butitstakentoextremes.I
suspect that if a juror during the vetting process
wanted to serve on the jury, hed give the right
answer to fairly rudimentary questions, and the
converse applies. It reminds me of the McCarthy
witchhuntsofthefifties:Areyou,orhaveyouever
been,amemberofthecommunistparty?Whatsort
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ofajackassedquestionisthat!
I remember some years ago prosecuting an actuarial
fraud at the Old Bailey, and numeracy and literacy
wereessentialprerequisitesifthejuryweretofollow
the evidence. In our system, where there is no jury
vetting,oncetheprospectivejurorcomestothebook
tobeswornbutbeforeheissworn,theprosecutionor
defence can object. In that case, one of the
prospective jurors was illiterate, but by the time we
hadallspottedit,itwastoolate,sohesatinthejury
box looking totally bemused. As it turned out, the
judge was also totally bemused, so he stopped the
trial, entered a not guilty verdict, and made the first
teebythreeoclock.Somesortofjuryvettingwould
havehelped.
The sentencing process leaves me totally bemused.
Talking of actuarial fraud, I am reminded of Bernie
Madoff, who preyed on the greed of halfwits and
madeenormoussumsofmoneyintheprocess.Once
hisscamwasexposedandhisgratefulclientsturned
onhimlikeaviperatthebreast,hewassentencedto
150 years imprisonment. That sort of sentence is
ridiculous and brings the whole process into
disrepute.
Lest I digress, back to witness coaching, or
preppingastheAmericanswouldhaveit.Thereal
dangeristhatapreppedwitnessislikelytogivethe
prepped answer and not the truth, the whole truth
andnothingbutthetruth,butsomeversionofit.Itis
very tempting to point out to the witness where the
weaknesseslieintheiraccount,andtotryandpaper
overthecracks.
Iamabelieverintrialbyjudgeandjury.Ifawitness
is confused, it should be for the judge to clarify. If
thewitnessisgettingupset,itshouldbeforthejudge
to order a comfort break. And most importantly of
all, the judge should conclude the questioning of a
witnessifthequestioningistoolongoroppressive.
The judge is ideally placed to see fair play. He
should exercise his powers of intervention, which is
far better than the very dubious practice of witness
coaching.Finally,itshouldbeborneinmindthatthe
defencemustbetoldinadvancethattheprosecution
witness has been coached. That seems like an own
goal.
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