CAL AND GRADY

"Location, Location, Menstruation"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

CAL (28) and GRADY (28) are sitting around watching TV.
CAL
Dude. I was just thinking. You know
what game is really fun, that we
havent played in, like, forever?
GRADY
Um. Hungry Hungry Hippos?
CAL
Well. Yeah. But you know what other
game is really fun, that we havent
played in, like, forever?
GRADY
Pac-Man.
CAL
Yeah. But you know what other game
is really fun, that we havent
played in, like, forever?
GRADY
Go Fish.
CAL
Dude. Stop naming games that are
really fun, that we havent played
in, like forever. OK. Now let me
ask you a question. You know what
game is really fun, that we havent
played in, like, forever?
GRADY
I dont freaking know. What?
CAL
20 questions.
GRADY
Um. I guess. So, do you want to
play it?
CAL
You cant just play 20 questions,
just like that. You have to let it
come about organically, on its
own.
AGNES (80) walks in from another room. Shes smoking a
cigarette.

2.
AGNES
Boys. I hear Jerry Seinfelds
coming into town. Can you get me a
ticket to his show?
GRADY
Doesnt he have a restraining order
against you?
AGNES
No. Thats Jerry Lewis. Hes a
completely different Jew named
Jerry. Theyre both part of the Jew
conspiracy, though. But Seinfeld is
the one I find hilarious. Hes one
of only seven Jews Im willing to
give money to. As for the blacks,
Im only willing to give money to
one of them: Bryant Gumbel.
GRADY
Agnes. We had a deal--remember?
Youre only allowed to say two
racist thing per minute. Youre
already up to three.
Cal looks out the window, and sees JOE (75) and movers
moving a refrigerator out.
CAL
It looks like the refrigerators are
migrating north for the winter.
GRADY
Dude. Its summer.
Cal, Agnes, and Grady walk out and to the home next to
theirs.
INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY / INT. HALLWAY - DAY
They walk up to Joe.
CAL
(to Joe)
Uh. Whats going on? Are these guys
training you to become a mover?
JOE
No. Theyre moving my stuff. Me and
Gina are moving to a house in
Pasadena.

3.
AGNES
Oh. I wish youd stay. We really
love having you here. I mean, you
and Gina are such nice, white
people.
JOE
Well, uh. Yeah. I mean, I dont
know about the white part.
AGNES
You mean you two arent white?
Dont tell me youre Puerto Rican!
You and your damn Puerto Rican wife
Gina have made way too much noise
over the past ten years--and I
cant wait till you get out of this
neighborhood, and out of this
country, and go back to Puerto
Ricica.
JOE
Um. Were not Puerto Rican. Our
families are from Ireland.
AGNES
Well, it sure is nice to live next
to white neighbors like you and
your charming, Irish wife Gina. As
opposed to having Puerto Rican
neighbors, who make all sorts of
noise with their mariachi, and
their kung fu, and their sushi. Why
cant they just eat sandwiches?
GRADY
Agnes. Two per minute--remember?
AGNES
Thats in the house. Were outside
of the house.
JOE
(to Cal, Grady, and Agnes)
Uh. Well. Anyways, Ive really
grown fond of you
three--notwithstanding Agness
extreme racism. And I have a gift
for you.
CAL
OK. This a great opportunity for us
to play 20 questions. Question one:
Is your gift bigger than a biscuit?

4.

JOE
Yes.
CAL
Is it bigger than a hot dog bun?
JOE
Yes.
CAL
Is is bigger than an English
muffin?
JOE
Yes.
CAL
Does the muffin contain gluten?
JOE
How the hell should I know? Its
your muffin.
CAL
Is the gift your new house in
Pasadena?
JOE
No.
CAL
Is the gift bigger than a bagel?
JOE
The gift is a soda vending machine
down at Walker Park!
CAL
Is it bigger than a piece of
cornbread?
JOE
Yes. Its a vending machine. Ive
been filling it up with cans and
collecting the money for years. But
now that Im gonna be living in
Pasadena, I want the three of you
to have it.
AGNES
Oh. How nice of you.

5.

CAL
Yeah. I mean, Ive always wanted a
vending machine. Ever since I was a
little kid. You know. Every
Christmas, I expected there to be a
vending machine under the Christmas
tree. I even sang vending machine
themed versions of Christmas songs.
Like, uh.
(sings)
We wish you a merry vending / We
wish you a merry vending / We wish
you a merry vending / And a happy
machine / Doritos and Twix / E5 and
E6 / We also have Cheetos / And a
happy New Year.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Grady, Cal, and Agnes are walking through a park. They walk
up to a soda machine.
GRADY
Here it is.
CAL
(sings to the tune of "Silent
Night")
Vending machine / Soda machine / It
has Sprite / It has Coke / It takes
quarters and also takes bills /
Will Smith moved in with Uncle Phil
/ Dr. Pepper and Carlton, too /
Ashley and Mountain Dew
GRADY
OK. I think its time for some
drinks.
He puts three dollars in the machine, gets three cans of
soda, and gives one to Cal and Agnes.
GRADY
Cheers.
They click cans and drink some soda.
CAL
Man. Were in the vending business.
Wee vendors. We vend.

6.

GRADY
Not only do we vend, we vend 24
hours a day. This is the best
business ever. You leave everything
to a machine, and it makes money
for you.
AGNES
Its like we have a whore working
on the street for us, and she runs
on electricity, and she never
sleeps.
GRADY
Sort of. But the point is, well
just wait here and watch the money
roll in.
They stand there for ten seconds, watching the machine.
GRADY
This is the crappiest business
ever. Machines dont sell anything.
They just sit there and use
electricity.
AGNES
Well. Its like my mother used to
say: "If you have a whore who isnt
making money, you need to slap that
bitch in the face" Actually--no.
She never said that. My mother used
to say, "That Bugs Bunny has a
really nice ass."
CAL
OK. Im gonna drum up some business
for our electric whore.
He walks up to a MAN.
CAL
You look thirsty. And horny.
MAN
You know, I do feel a little
thirsty. And extremely horny.
He starts drinking from a water fountain. Grady walks up to
the Man and interrupts him.

7.

GRADY
What are you doing?
MAN
Im drinking water.
GRADY
But theres soda right there.
MAN
And theres water right here.
GRADY
Its Los Angeles tap water. You
might as well drink piss.
MAN
My brother-in-law works for the
citys water treatment division. He
says LA tap water is better than
most brands of bottled water.
GRADY
Who gives a piss what your
brother-in-law said?! Take out a
dollar and buy a can of Sprite.
MAN
Get the hell away from me.
The Man walks away.
CAL
Um. I think your sales technique
might be, like, a little too
aggressive.
GRADY
I think its not aggressive enough.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY is shirtless and jogging near Grady.
GRADY
Matthew McConaughey.
Matthew McConaughey stops jogging.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Hey, Grady. Hey, Cal. Are you guys
working out shirtless in the park,
like me?

8.

GRADY
Dude. We have ours shirts on. Now
listen up. Youre gonna take out
your wallet, and buy ten cans of
soda from that machine.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
I dont need to pay for soda. This
is what I do instead. I get next to
the machine, I look into its eyes,
and I give it long, passionate
kiss--and then it gives me all the
soda I want. Let me show you.
Matthew McConaughey walks up to the machine, puts his arms
around it, and kisses it for a few seconds. He releases the
embrace, and ten soda cans come out of the machine.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
(to Grady)
Now that machine knows what it
feels like to be a real woman.
AGNES
And as an added bonus, you gave it
herpes.
EXT. PARK - DAY
(Later)
Cal, Grady, and Agnes are standing 20 feet from the soda
machine and water fountain. They observe a few PEOPLE
drinking from the water fountain.
GRADY
Dude. People keep on drinking from
the fountain. How many cans of soda
has our machine sold so far?
CAL
Lets see. If you take the
coefficient of the first integer,
and divide it by the pancreas of
the third factorial, that comes out
to negative seven cans total.
GRADY
What are you talking about?

9.

CAL
Well. We bought three cans, then
Matthew McConaughey had an affair
with our machine and got ten free
cans, and now hes playing park
bowling.
Matthew McConaughey is 50 feet away from them, and has the
ten cans set up like bowling pins. He takes off his shoe and
throws them at the cans, knocking down eight of them, and
leaving a 7-10 split.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Jenga!
CAL
(to Grady)
He totally doesnt get the rules of
park bowling. Youre only supposed
to say Jenga when you knock down
all ten cans, and five of them are
Dr. Pepper.
AGNES
Boys. Lets focus here. Our vending
machine is losing money. And I
think I know why. Its because
Democrats keep on raising taxes.
What we need to do is watch more
Fox News.
GRADY
What we need to do is get people to
stop drinking from that water
fountain.
Matthew McConaughey takes off his other show and throws it,
knocking over one of the cans.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Do not pass Go! Do not collect
$200!
GRADY
(to Cal)
The next time we clean Matthew
McConaugheys pool, remind me to
take a piss in it.

10.

EXT. PARK - DAY

(Later)
Cal, Grady, and Agnes are still standing 20 feet away from
the soda machine.
GRADY
OK. I took care of our competition.
The camera reveals a "Colored Only" sign on the water
fountain.
AGNES
Well. Its about time this country
brought back water segregation.
CAL
(to Grady)
Um. Isnt it a little politically
incorrect to put a Colored Only
sign on a water fountain?
GRADY
Thats the point. People will be
offended by the sign--so theyll
stop using the water fountain, and
theyll start using our machine
instead.
CAL
Right. I get it. Its just like how
Apple made the Mac popular.
GRADY
Exactly--except this is nothing
like how Apple made the Mac
popular. Alright--sing a song about
our new plan.
CAL
Um. OK.
(sings to the tune of 12 Days
of Christmas)
On the first day of business, for
our vending machine / We made a
water fountain seem racist

11.

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY

NEWS ANCHOR
And in other news, a racist water
fountain caused some commotion
today, when it put a Colored Only
sign on display, and also declared
its allegiance to the
Confederacy. However, after having
a talk with Dr. Phil later in the
day, the fountain had a change of
heart, and agreed to have its sign
changed. And guess what the new
sign says? "Everyone Welcome." With
the new sign in place, a record
85,000 people showed up today to
drink from what is now known as the
"fountain of multiculturalism."
(VIDEO CLIP) EXT. PARK - DAY
A MAN is being interviewed.
MAN
This fountain is more than a
dispenser of tap water. Its a
symbol of multiculturalism, and
unity, and friendship.
Cut to a WOMAN being interviewed.
WOMAN
The fountain has shown us the way.
If it can go from Colored Only to
Everyone Welcome, then imagine what
society can become. Imagine!
Cut to Matthew McConaughey being interviewed.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
I buy all of my pork n beans at
Costco. When we were shooting
Dallas Buyers Club, I ate pork n
beans every day for lunch, straight
out of a can. I didnt even use a
can opener. Matthew McConaughey
doesnt need a can opener. He eats
out of cans the way cavemen did
back in the 1600s.
Cut to MAN 2 being interviewed.

12.

MAN 2
Why would anyone buy a soda from
that vending machine over there,
when the fountain of
multiculturalism is just three feet
away, and contains free, non-racist
water? I mean, if you buy soda from
that machine, its a clear cut sign
youre a segregationist.
INT. HOME - DAY
Grady, Cal, and Agnes are watching the news program on TV.
GRADY
OK. The Colored Only sign got our
machine, like, $100,000 worth of
publicity. On the other hand, its
the same kind of publicity
that Kramer got when he said the
n-word at a comedy club.
AGNES
You mean good publicity?
GRADY
No. Bad publicity. The kind that
hurts business.
AGNES
Hey. When Kramer said the n-word,
thats what got me to start
watching Seinfeld.
GRADY
Thats because youre a racist
lunatic. But if we want our vending
machine to make money, we need to
do some PR, and change our
machines image.
CAL
I just had a brilliant idea. How
about in our machine, we add
an English muffin flavored soda?
GRADY
How is that gonna make our machine
seem less racist?

13.

CAL
Its not. But its still a
brilliant idea. I mean, think about
it. People drink orange
soda--because sometimes, instead of
wanting to eat an orange, they want
to drink a carbonated orange. And
now people will drink English
muffin soda--because sometimes,
instead of wanting to eat an
English muffin, they want to drink
a carbonated English muffin.
GRADY
Sometimes when you share one of
your brilliant ideas with me, I
want to punch you in the face.
CAL
But this definitely isnt one of
those times.
GRADY
Are you sure?
CAL
I just had another brilliant idea.
How about we get Kramer to drink
from the water fountain? If people
see that, theyll think its a
racist water fountain for racist
people like Kramer--and then
theyll start using our vending
machine.
GRADY
That is a brilliant idea. Except,
no one cares about Kramers n-word
thing anymore. Thats old news. We
need another famous person to be
seen drinking from the fountain.
CAL
Newman?
GRADY
No. Someone whos in the news right
now for being racist.
CAL
No ones in the news for that.

14.

EXT. THE COMEDY STORE - NIGHT

Cal and Grady see two BLACK MEN standing outside of The
Comedy Store.
GRADY
Are you guys gonna see Jerry
Seinfeld perform?
BLACK MAN
Yeah.
CAL
And are you guys black?
BLACK MAN 2
Yeah.
GRADY
OK. If you heckle Jerry Seinfeld in
there, and you get him to call you
the n-word, and you record the
whole thing, and then later you get
Jerry Seinfeld to drink from the
water fountain at Walker Park, and
you record that as well, and you
put the videos on the internet,
then well give you 10% of the
profits from our soda machine.
BLACK MAN 2
That sounds like a lot of work for
just 10% of a soda machines
profits.
GRADY
OK. 11%.
INT. THE COMEDY STORE - NIGHT
JERRY SEINFELD is telling jokes on stage. Black Man and
Black Man 2 are in the audience, as is Agnes.
JERRY SEINFELD
And let me just say this. You buy a
pair of socks. You wear a pair of
socks. You take off a pair of
socks. And then you go through your
laundry, you fold up all your socks
in pairs--and at the end, you end
up with a lone sock. The other
ones missing. Where could it have
(MORE)

15.

JERRY SEINFELD (contd)

gone? Is it on Sixth Avenue and
47th Street? How could it be there?
Its not like youre in the habit
of smoking crack, and then taking
off your shoes and socks in the
middle of the street.
Black Man 2 holds up his camera phone.
BLACK MAN
(to Jerry Seinfeld)
I wish I could sock you in the face
for telling such a stupid joke.
JERRY SEINFELD
Hey. Why dont you put a sock in
it, (bleeped n-word)?
AGNES
(to herself)
Wow. This is a fantastic show.
BLACK MAN
(to Jerry Seinfeld)
Why dont you make me, cracker?
JERRY SEINFELD
Thats it. Im gonna beat your
black ass.
BLACK MAN
If you want to fight me, Ill be at
Walker Park.
He walks out.
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Black Man and Black Man 2 are standing near the water
fountain and soda machine. Black Man 2 is holding up his
camera phone. Jerry Seinfeld walks up to them.
JERRY SEINFELD
Alright. Lets do this.
BLACK MAN
Before we fight, dont you want to
have a drink, so youll be
hydrated?

16.

JERRY SEINFELD
Yes. I do.
He walks up to the soda machine.
BLACK MAN
Um. Dont you want water?
JERRY SEINFELD
Why would I want water instead of
Mountain Dew?
BLACK MAN
Because. Well. Um. You know Rocky
Marciano?
JERRY SEINFELD
Of course I know Rocky Marciano.
After all, he was a great white
boxer who knocked out multiple
negroes. That makes him one of my
personal heroes.
BLACK MAN
Well. Rocky Marciano drank water
before he knocked out Joe Louis.
JERRY SEINFELD
Thats true. And Rocky Marciano was
white, and Joe Louis was a negro.
So I guess I do want water.
He drinks from the water fountain.
INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY
NEWS ANCHOR
Jerry Seinfeld got in trouble last
night at The Laugh Factory, when he
called an African American audience
member the n-word, and vowed to
beat his black ass. But afterwards,
Seinfeld drank out of the Fountain
of Multiculturalism, and had an
epiphany.

17.

(NEWS CLIP) EXT. PARK - DAY

JERRY SEINFELD
I was very intent on beating that
mans ass. His black ass. But then
I drank from the Fountain of
Multiculturalism, and I saw the
Everyone Welcome sign. And I
thought to myself, "Whats the deal
with water fountains? I mean, they
make you bend over for free water.
If you ask me, its a little bit
degrading. And more importantly,
whats the deal with racism? I
mean, its stupid. Why would I hate
a negro just because hes a negro?
If Im gonna hate a negro, it
should be for legitimate reasons.
Like, because hes poor."
INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Grady, Cal, and Agnes are watching TV and eating hamburgers.
GRADY
OK. Thats more publicity for our
vending machine.
CAL
Yeah. Its too bad our vending
machine is so racist. Otherwise all
of this publicity would be making
us money.
Cal looks out the window and sees DINH (male, 45,
Vietnamese, thick accent) pushing a sofa all by himself.
CAL
It looks like the sofas are
migrating south for summer.
GRADY
I guess our new neighbor is moving
in.
They all walk out.

18.

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS HOME - DAY

Dinh pushes the sofa into his home. He then walks back out
and sees Cal, Grady, and Agnes.
CAL
Hey. You need some help moving all
your stuff?
DINH
In Vietnam, when a man moves into a
new home, he must take all the
furniture there himself. Its an
honored custom.
AGNES
Youre Vietnamese?
DINH
Yes.
AGNES
Well if youre gonna make sushi,
you better do it quietly. Its like
my mother used to say... Actually,
no. She didnt say anything
relevant to this topic.
Cal looks at the sofa inside his home.
CAL
Thats a sweet sofa you got there,
bro!
DINH
Its made of mango pits and silk.
CAL
You must be rich.
DINH
I am. Come to my seminar and Ill
show you how you can also be rich
by investing in real estate.
CAL
OK. Wheres your seminar?

19.

INT. DINHS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

Cal, Grady, Agnes and Dinh are in Dinhs bathroom.
DINH
Hello, everyone. I am renowned real
estate investor Dinh Nguyen.
Welcome to my seminar. Let me start
off by using an example that will
illustrate my real estate investing
philosophy. An analogy, if you
will.
He opens a drawer.
DINH
Look at my wifes tampons. Theyre
not in my hamper, theyre not on my
kitchen counter, and theyre not in
those egg thingies in my
refrigerator. Theyre in my
bathroom drawer. And that brings us
to the top three keys to real
estate investing. Location,
location, menstruation.
CAL
Location, location, menstruation?
DINH
Yes.
CAL
Isnt it location, location,
location?
DINH
No. Because any asshole can say,
"Location, location,
location." Millions of assholes
have said, "Location, location,
location." But I am a real estate
genius--so at my real estate
seminar, I say, "Location,
location, menstruation." And that
concludes my real estate seminar.
Thank you so much for joining me.
Now get out of my bathroom, and get
out of my house.

20.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Grady, Cal, and Agnes are back in their home, watching TV.
GRADY
You know, that guy was right.
CAL
You mean you want to use tampons to
invest in real estate?
GRADY
No. I mean we can make money off
our our vending machines fame.
CAL
How?
GRADY
You know. Location, location,
menstruation.
CAL
Right. Location, location,
menstruation. So... where should we
menstruate?
AGNES
Dont menstruate on the sofa. I
just cleaned it.
GRADY
Were not gonna menstruate
anywhere. Heres what I mean. Los
Angeles is a location where people
like multiculturalism. But there
are other locations where people
like the opposite of
multiculturalism. Location,
location, menstruation. It makes
sense.
CAL
Well. Um. Wheres a location where
people like the opposite of
multiculturalism?

21.
EXT. BOSTON STREET - DAY
A NEWS REPORTER is standing near the vending machine, which
is now in Boston.
NEWS REPORTER
Im here in Boston, Massachusetts,
the new location of the worlds
most racist vending machine. It has
Sprite, it has Coke, and its doing
plenty of business here in
Americas most racist city.
He walks up to BOSTON MAN (40, white) whos about to put a
dollar in the machine.
NEWS REPORTER
Sir. Why are you getting a soda
from this machine?
BOSTON MAN
Because Im thirty, I love Sprite,
and I hate blacks, Jews, and
Mexicans. Go Red Sox!
EXT. BACKYARD WITH POOL - DAY
Cal and Grady are using nets to clean a pool.
GRADY
Man. Were, like, serious
businessmen now. You know. We run a
pool cleaning corporation in LA,
and we have a vending machine
corporation in Boston.
CAL
Yeah. I guess that means were,
like, um, the C3PEO of an
international conglomeration and
shit.
GRADY
Right. Yeah. We run a Fortune 500
company.
CAL
But heres what kind of confuses
me. Were Fortune 500 guys, and we
live in a room we rent for $25 a
month from a racist 80 year old
woman.

22.

GRADY
Um. Well. Thats cause Democrats
increased taxes. And also, we just
drove our soda machine to Boston
and left it there. You know. We
didnt, like, link it to our PayPal
account.
CAL
Yeah. Thats really gonna cut into
our economic revenue in the fiscal
Whopper junk bond treasury bill
with cheese.
GRADY
What Whopper with cheese?
CAL
Its a financial term.
Jerry Seinfeld is standing near them.
JERRY SEINFELD