Escolar Documentos
Profissional Documentos
Cultura Documentos
Books by P. G. Wodehouse
MONEY
BIG
THROUGH
THE RETURN OF JEEVES
PIGS HAVE WINGS
ANGEL CAKE
THE OLD RELIABLE
NOTHING SERIOUS
THE MATING SEASON
UNCLE DYNAMITE
SPRING FEVER
FULL MOON
JOY IN THE MORNING
MONEY IN THE BANK
QUICK SERVICE
EGGS, BEANS AND
CRUMPETS
UNCLE FRED IN THE
SPRINGTIME
THE CODE OF THE
WOOSTERS
SUMMER MOONSHINE
THE CRIME WAVE AT
SUMMER LIGHTNING
MR. MULLINER SPEAKING
HE RATHER ENJOYED
LEAVE IT TO PSMITH
IT
JEEVES
WHITE HOPE
GOLF WITHOUT TEARS
MOSTLY SALLY
THREE MEN AND A MAID
THE LITTLE WARRIOR
INDISCRETIONS OF ARCHIE
P.
G.
WODEHOUSE
America,
I like
you
1956
v
i
WHOLE OR
IN PART IN
1956 BY
P. G.
ANY FORM
WODEHOUSE
NEW YORK
20, N. Y.
FIRST PRINTING
MANUFACTURED
IN
AMERICAN BOOK-STRATFORD
PRESS,
NEW YORK
Contents
Thanks
for the
Memory, Such As
It Is
Had Magnetism
26
42
52
Hi, Bartlett!
Put
66
81
To
91
My
The
Slave of a
Life
among
the Armadillos
Thin Blessings
Gaughan
The
Bad Habit
in Disguise
the Deliverer
111
129
139
148
158
168
179
Say
201
It
with Rattlesnakes
America,
I like
you
When announce
i
that I
prise
am
that I
an author, you
it is,
in
It Is
will
probably give a
come
start of sur-
you writing
it
this thing,
out on one
please
-3-
America,
Like
You
As
English explorers.
Lower-
Meadowsweet
Hall, Higgleford-cum-Wortlebury-beneath-
Hants
of them to pass.
It was a situation fraught with embarrassment, and for perhaps an hour they stood gazing at each
other in silence.
Then
it
and perished
in the fall
from the
preci-
pice.
if
ing talkers.
I
gift
of
it
-4-
And
the answer
Thanks
was No.
tal,
for the
Memory, Such As
It Is
and disagreeable
in laughter
Thomas Lomonaco, the courteous and popular Brookwho was driving his taxi one afternoon not
long ago at Jamaica Avenue and Seventy-fifth Street when
of
"Gimme about
At
fifty cents'
"This
is
Thomas Lomonaco on
the shoulder.
a stick-up," he announced.
"Yah. Slip
"I see
can
fully
this disturbed
is
postwar
era.
But your
it
ment
And
his talk
was so convincing
-5-
that
America,
Like
You
ately agreed.
held in $1,000
To
is
now in custody,
bail.
reporters
this
was the
The
fession.
him out of
spent months,
on
head from
sell
me
You
troversy.
word
can't call
it
is
ranked as an autobiography
hold water
really is
mine
is
falls to
its
claim to be
fails
to
an autobiography that
more
occasions
pop
is
why
it
like
me
several
-6-
On
life,
Wode-
Thanks
Memory, Such As
for the
It Is
four.
is
if
am
and so
chapter one:
The
chapter two:
Childhood Days
chapter three:
Adolescence
forth. All I
can recollect of
believe.
I
had a
Iliad,
my
childhood days
an orange, which
Infant
is
is
is
going to
happens!
We
know what
start
to
(Today
out in
life
do with and,
have none.
we
youth, fancy that they are going to last forever; but one
morning we
find that
we
are
down
a lesson in
is
think.)
I
suppose what
is full
of tips
on how
to train the
memory. Guiliemus
warm
water.
He
also says,
-7-
America,
Like
You
did anyone ever meet a hen that had any brains, and warns
"garlyke,
against
us
leekes,
onyions,
also
peason and
this
it
stitches.
made
of ashes, fol-
is
is
stirred
quickened."
is
the catch.
moment
of his time.
if
you
facts
down
in this document,"
-8-
he con-
Thanks
Memory, Such As
for the
It Is
eluded. "Study
your
leisure.
As he
I don't think,
steel trap I
if
my memory
were
like a
to attempt a full-dress
autobiography.
big league,
cant sort of
and
blister,
let's
not at
all
face
it
am a
pretty insignifi-
on the sands of time, as the fellow said. Ask the first ten men
you meet "Have you ever heard of P. G. Wodehouse?" and
nine of them will answer No. The tenth, being hard of hearing, will say
Not that I
ing
up
to
me
in the street
there,
And my
in-
(if
is
com-
Wode-
-9-
America,
Like
You
me to be a celebrity. I would as
soon be someone for whom the police are spreading one of
Nothing would induce
those dragnets. If in a
come a prominent
man
let
yourself be-
so.
is
you
now a national
sport.
celebrities
it
And
so good.
re-
then
came a horde
of bright
their footsteps
till
and recording
tell
their
a celebrity
Many
of
them
by
his
get
little
It
was The New Yorker that started it all with its Profiles.
lulled
him
that
if
celebrity,
your demeanor, got him talking and then went home and
wrote a piece showing him up as a complete bird-brain,
everybody
laugh out of
the celebrity
would get a hearty
They "did" Ernest Hemingway a year or
except
it.
down
jolliest results. If
-10-
Thanks
for the
Memory, Such As
It Is
bound
to
"if
It is
you are
getting so
nowadays
And
perhaps
famous
is
am wrong
new
in saying
thing, for I
how he felt
as a
have
tells
An
-11-
America,
Like
You
Mine
Tennyson
are not.
one dinner
present.
gray poet
into the
if
am
sorry for.
is
is
the
not describing
to
be
the one I
at
He was always
He oozed
is
Nicolson, back again in the same old chair with the same
popeyed expression on
like
a wire-haired
longed
to
his face
No wonder
terrier's.
silence. It is a
and
up
rots
just
graph for
his
till
that he
is
silly
or choking
on a hot potato.
of today
you
revolting goggle-eyed
be
celebrities yourselves at
story of the
You may
-12-
Thanks
for the
Memory, Such As
It Is
came along.
The child
"Look,
make-up
pointed.
Mamma. Movie
actors."
And
in
to
"You
don't
know what
some day."
not as
if
it,
my
is
walking around in
himself,
suckers! Bloodsuckers!" If
to the quick,
it
will
be
all
you care
is
"Blood-
him
to describe
as cut
wanted
that he
to interview
some
do
so,
provided he unbelted
had happened
Hats
off, I say,
men
sidling
sorts of
up
good
to him.
to those
much
It
fifty dollars,
was the
One
gets
Kansas City
he would
athletes.
For years
to the celebrated
stuff
first
new
if
cash in advance.
and
getting
young
it.
chucked
in at the beginning.
"He looks
-13-
like a
debonair ma-
America,
Like
-14-
You
Thanks
gician, quick
for the
and
Memory, Such As
agile, in his
It Is
hard cash.
first
Bea-
visit to
said (exclusive),
delightful
remember, but
We
The
a mountain of
"and
found
truffles in it."
Does
that
still
wants his so
It
till
does not.
black
the
down.
first
to
do
it.
Apparently you
rights.
The
New
-15-
America,
him.
Like
takes
You
up
eighty-three pages in
on
for
months and
Profile
it.
fella,"
he
said, "that
money."
lot of
feast.
They had
to
fill
up the
eighty-
Edmund
Hats
Wilson's.
off,
prove of
on the ground
fact that there
than a
set
little
is
But though
bit, I
am
At
to
first, till
ap-
sordid.
and make a
floor
up and agreed
sees a
on the part
this resolve
more
by both contracting
parties,
one
is
fore-
who
in a recent golf
tournament
on
is
New
a ring at the
bell,
York.
It will
not
followed by the
am from
Spelvin."
-16-
golf last
lost
It Is
"
"How much?"
"Twenty dollars?"
"Make
"Call
it
"Well,
thirty."
it
twenty-five.
it
Okay?"
me as stumpy
Hogan he?"
"Adding
you has
"Excellent. I don't
success."
mind knocking
off a
couple of dollars
for that."
"Make
it
five."
"Very
well.
five."
Now
tell
the horizon?"
"I felt fine."
"And may
back
flat
payment of
they want to
are bet-
fifteen dollars, to
know what
be upped, of course,
if
-17-
America,
The name
of the
Like
Time man
You
was
not mentioned, but I presume he was one of those appearlittle poem which I jotted down just now on the
back of an old envelope after brooding, as I so often brood,
ing in a
editors,
poring over
me
with
this fascinating
my
is
my
feet
favorite reading.
up on the mantelpiece,
column, and
it
always inspires
A prey to melancholy
Because I do not work on Time.
must be jolly. Golly!
It
How
To
males
very
call
Edward O. Cerf
Richard Oulahan Jr
Bernadine Beerheide
-18-
re-
You
Thanks
for the
Memory, Such As
It Is
Rodney Campbell
Dembeck
Estelle
Dorothea L. Grine
Eldon Griffiths
Hillis Mills
Joseph Purtell
Old Uncle Fuerbringer and
all.
So though
There'll never be a
I join that
moment when
I allude to
(among
others)
Douglas Auchincloss
Lester Bernstein
Gilbert Cant
Edwin Copps
Henry Bradford Darrach
Jr.
Barker T. Hartshorn
Roger S. Hewlett
Jonathan Norton Leonard
-19-
America,
Like
You
F. Sydnor Trapnell
Danuta Reszke-Birk
Deirdre
Mead Ryan
Yi Ying Sung
Content Peckham
Quinera Sarita King
Old Uncle Fuerbringer and all,
Old Uncle Fuerbringer and all.
it
now.
dropping names,
If it
were
just
a mat-
is
not enough.
You have
to
have
would be
like the
one Young
Hype
Igoe about his meeting with Joe Gans, the then lightweight
champion. Having
just
been matched to
is
fight
Gans, he was
how he
Thanks
for the
Memory, Such As
It Is
I said I
start
me would
table,
and
I like to
I say I
Gans
Griff,"
all right.
He
he says, and
sure
he says. "He
enough it was
up from the
table. "Hello,
Griffo, Joe,"
says.
gets
And
-21-
America,
This was
but no.
all.
Like
You
of the story.
My
autobiography would be
It
coming,
that.
my
or whatever
it is
for
This, then,
is
city
where Thirty-
Mon-
pre-
-22-
tell
me).
And we now
Thanks
Memory, Such As
for the
should like to
and
It Is
the
back
that
I,
up
is
leaning
am in the process
story about
It will
make
all
to
some
support
me
Simon
in this.
my
of
you
the difference.
if
little
tells
My
pub-
me that when he
it
gave them both a sort of sinking feeling. They spent the day
shoving
it
Goodman were
it.
called in
and
The
situation
began
now
been Simon
or
it
as follows:
-23-
and
may have
dinner.
They dined
coffee-planting
had had
America,
Like
You
Le Diner
Caviar Frais
Dame
Quenelles
Sylphides a la
Demidoff
Crime
d'Ecrevisses
Mousse de Jambon a
la
Neva
Melba
Diablotins
Corbeille de Fruits Exotiques
and the
coffee
result
equal to any-
thing now, and they pitched in and were past page 100 before they
So
if
knew where
you are
they were.
to yourself, "Courage! It
go to
further, say
it.
any
that
title. It is
which runs:
-24-
Thanks
for the
Memory, Such As
It Is
To you my
affection
Is
Climbing
America,
And
how
are you?
hundred people
stands for our Navy,
there's a
The A
for the soldiers we've got,
The
The E for the heagle which flies up above us,
The R for we can't go wrong,
I for
Independence,
For years
it
sounds,
to the other.
am
And
-25-
it
An
Old Sweetheart
Why America?
Who Has
Put on Weight
Why, I
time when
that.
An
Old Sweetheart
Who
And two other uncles had been known to the police of Calcutta and Singapore. You would have expected it to be the
Orient that would have called to me. "Put me somewheres
east of Suez," you would have pictured me saying to myself.
But it didn't work out that way. People would see me walking around with a dreamy look in my eyes and my mouth
had adenoids and they would whisper
one another, "He's thinking of America." And they were
hanging open as
to
right.
if
yearned for
it
if
not surpassed,
back
to his old
April 24,
set foot
now a
national holiday
on the sidewalks
of
New
was not
it
that I
back back
1904
till
was able
at last to
York.
Well,
Let
when
me
One
knows,
tell
say "resigned
you the
."
story of the
new
ledger.
Eliot
who
in a
bitter entry in
moment
of despondency
made
George
this rather
her diary:
Dear Diary:
-27-
my work
again.
It's
America,
You
Like
And
hell
it.
Amer-
of cauliflower. There
may be men
capable of producing
am
and even
not
placed in
my
charge.
It
front page,
was
great.
But
great.
New Ledger.
Though
-28-
fifty-four years
have
An Old
my
about
bit
Who
Sweetheart
can
remember
still
There was
that.
mond
tie-pin,
and smiled
have to take
his tie
at
terrific. I
and
felt like
Then came
an austere
Shakespeare.
was
all
I sat
You
of the most
back on
my
in a glow.
the reaction.
man who on
back.")
it
he took a dia-
several occasions
rather
had expressed
seemed to whisper to me
that,
it
would
not go any too well with him. Briefly, I got cold feet and
started to turn stones
finding
some way
of
in the
hope of
A few mornings later the stillness of the bank was shattered by a sudden yell of triumph, not unlike the cry of a
yelled triumphantly
tioners
them
and
in
for
on
was
if
prey. It
that he
sta-
asking them
its
at the telephone in
two
strides,
they replied that they did, for he then touched off his
-29-
bomb-
America,
Like
You
shell,
page missing.
all
if
left his
hands
it
had
Have you?"
The Head Cashier started. This opened up a new
in your department.
line of
thought.
"Why,
"There
is
"Weak
yes,"
P.
he
said, for
G. Wodehouse."
in the
head
is
he, this
-30-
Wodehouse?"
An
Old Sweetheart
"Very, so
Who Has
Put on Weight
"Then have him on the carpet and question him narrowly," said the stationer.
me, and
that I
had
to
come
found myself
From my
I started to write at
was not
It
the age of
and
lights
was immediately
embark on the
know. Just
that I
under the
at liberty to
earliest years I
me
clean. It
five.
(What
grilled
after this
life literary.
to
be a
writer.
loafing, I suppose.
for
human-
ity. I
am
so
it
still
far,
wanted
working
English Illustrated
had had
six
it
off, as
still
in the bank. I
after they
that
you might
in Scraps, so
say, to a
-31-
but
start.
but
in
and
had
Today and
when
running
it,
re-
half a
turned pro I
As
surveyed
America,
Like
You
man of my gifts
one
shillings, especially in
The
was
London market
1902
still
London it
Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank desensible decision, too) that the only way
that the
good
of that time.
in
it
itself
for writers at the top of the tree, the big prices being
were
fine for
an
industri-
extremely pretty
The Language
yam somewhere
Omar Khay-
the
way
old and
(One of the
other evening papers was printed on green paper. Life was
called the Globe. It
was printed
in those days
so help
on pink
me
-32-
five years
paper.
very
An Old
Sweetheart
Who Has
full then,
very rich.)
It
come
to all
young
was a
Put on Weight
writers because
ran on
it
its
front page
articles of al-
sec-
ond page. A guinea was the guerdon for these. You dug
them out of reference books.
In addition to the Turnovers the Globe also carried on
its front page a column, supposedly humorous, entitled "By
the
at
my
off,
me
when
and when
in as his understudy
and
it
it
he wanted a day
began
had
to save.
By
all
The
needed.
April 1904
trip to
roughly
had
sixty
practical proposition.
its staff
five
my visit,
And on April 24
booked
my
there I was.
start I don't
much.
St.
it
but I should at
New York of
New York,"
-33-
which
had heard so
I said to
myself as I
America,
Like
You
Damme,
it is
there
where
his
the son's
house
at the
was, so the
moment
the bus
the direction.
him
there.
And
Avenue D, not
this is
that
it
matters
took
to thicken.
his
son had sent him of the house for which he was headed, so
Signor Bertolo decided to search on foot, and
when he had
He
insisted that
Montgomery
New York.
own
-34-
eyes?
The
fact that
some
"
An
Old Sweetheart
Who
men
of
said,
had
ill-will
spirited
away
his son's
house had, he
drew Patrolman
his face,
Pertini aside.
"Look, Mario," he
said.
stertorously.
this is
New York?"
how
"It's
man
Pertini.
now
nay,
"Me,
makes
me
too. Tell
or shall
we say
in your
York."
"Well, I live in the Bronx. That's in
"There
"And
may be
"You
my
here's
'New York
can't
go by badges.
How do we know
substitute this
said Lieutenant
called
it
says
on
it.
all
up the
that
some
one?"
it
City.'
and
New York."
ended happily,
Signor's son
to something,"
sigh.
am
glad to say.
Somebody
-35-
America,
Like
You
New York
New York
and that he was to get on the westbound plane at once. And
is
told
him
that
really
was
(He
Street,
San
specifies this
wishes he
the friend
were
here. ) It
is
everybody's mind.
"Quel
est le
nom
a picture in Punch
recalls
years
to a porter,
de cette place?"
ways
fifty
safest to ask,
"Quel
est le
nom
remember
this. It is al-
starting to explore.
all
And it is interesting
me at any rate
to
to think
city, it is
no good being a
showed me round.
resident,
I tipped
is
this,
and a
friendly policeman
-36-
An
to
know? In London
been
it
Old Sweetheart
lavish. I
can
still
Who
equivalent, a shilling,
its
would have
back.
What an amazingly
those days! I
still
love
it,
who
New York
attractive city
was
in
with the
an old sweetheart
feel for
it is
is
no concealing the
fact that the dear old place has swollen visibly these last
fifty years.
In 1904,
if I
remember
The Prince
Handsome
building.
And
of Pilsen,
Rock and
Ful-
Other Girl
at the
men now
the few
alive
try to steal
home.
And
itual I
the food!
It is
odd, considering
all I
how
intensely spir-
when I
Eskimo
flinging himself
start like
a starving
Homer, speaks
the skies
when a new
brought
me my
first
some watcher of
when
the waiter
-37-
And
the
America,
my
Like
You
"No matter
shell crabs.
have been
if it
must be
puts an inch
in
on
on my
waistline,"
this."
shell
I don't
why
Scotsmen
It is
We may
we
The
thing
like haggis
in bouillabaisse
soft-
"Un cadeau"
mug
engraved
St.
world are
sitting at
all
over the
it.
it
may
applaud their
rugged courage.
my
came
suspicion
my
is
prob-
formative
-38-
An
Old Sweetheart
Who
secret,
justice to haggis.
up fine and blended with salt, pepper, nutmeg, onions, oatmeal and beef suet. But it seems to me that there is a grave
danger of the cook going
stop there.
When you
all
it,
concealing
its
to
up
con-
irresistible.
Scotsmen
Nor could
into them.
is
The Athol
a beverage com-
two of
confess that
I
would
turning
if I
insist
my
this
on taking
plate over to
him before
me and
touched a mouthful.
America,
Like
You
would say
first," I
Clear would
Back
in
only
found that
man
in
out," they
and
tell
these days,
us
the All
London,
New York
And
now
all
when
said,
"Come
it
in,
about America."
my
It is
hard to believe in
and dine
at the Stork
this
you nip
my
when I
tell
you
that a
few weeks
me
1.5
after
for a
have made
I
think I
1906
Bath, and
it
a small child
was,
I believe,
at least,
eighteen
that I
he looked
who was
-40-
like
was introduced to
a small child and
trying to break in as a
An
Old Sweetheart
Who
riot.
made anything
in
out of
my two pounds
So,
on
walk of
was a
Jerry
made 505.1.7
if
a week salary.
the whole, I
life.
it.
it
know
living, I
fact, if
on November
car for
450
in
my
chosen
in
17, 1907, 1
(and smashed
it
up
in the
first
week)
royalists
should
who
get
my
capital
back
to about
where
had
it
started in 1904,
were in a
state sufficiently
America.
What took me
there
sound
in
on the
and
hope
1909
name
memory
my finances
was
Archie Fitz-
and
my
what a hope!
of getting nine
-41-
and
enthusiastic
Archie
Had Magnetism
it
serial rights
body looking
after
you who
is
incapable of pocketing a
yen. But in one's early days, to get the cash from the outright sale of a short story to a
-42-
Archie
adventure. Especially
Had Magnetism
if
your
affairs
My
first
of the post.
was a medium
trust,
to which, as I shall
medium
show
later,
but he did so
He
gave
Archie Fitzmaurice"
the
word "given"
and
me
published in America,
it
"I
have given
it
to
Certainly,
literally.
to Archie.
it
had on
when
its title
the
book was
page, "Copyright
fifty
he
in
dollars to release
America.
I will
it.
say that
I felt like
man who
There was
just
one flaw
in
my
-43-
happiness.
The money
America,
ter) in
draft
which he informed
would
Like
on October
arrive
You
inclined to restlessness. In
By Christmas
first.
March
I cabled,
was
and received
had
arrived.
Toward
the middle of
May
letter
decided to go to
Archie entered my
the penetrating
cigars I
life
aroma
young
suit,
man
vulturelike
little
a red
tie
and gray
May
morning.
"Say, listen," said Archie.
It
was an
he had to
tell.
Where he
would catch me
at
viz.,
while finger-
would
visit
-44-
Had Magnetism
Archie
me
"Monte
"Monte
"Monte
"Monte
"But
little.
Carlo?"
I said.
CarloV
I said.
I didn't
know
."
-45-
America,
He resumed
Monte
Like
You
Carlo en route.
have been
all right if
sister's
left
"But don't
I'll
jewelry,
was nothing
And
me
he gave
me
to get
my
hat
meant
to say
let
me
have ten
dollars.
Ten
dollars,
own
dashing out,
we
He
never
offices,
till
any-
-46-
Archie
magical
skill,
Had Magnetism
that painful
and
tol
started for
I think
New
York.
little
of a
my
had
sent
York
at that
about
it all.
to
full of
When unmasked,
stage villain.
He
listened to
on one
"Why,
want
New
time was
was anything
way
was
Later, he
me
say, yes,"
he would observe
you about
side, like
it
was not
a vulture
entitled.
that sometime."
found
all
had
been shelved and that you were accepting with every sign
of good-fellowship a poisonous cigar from his vest pocket.
him
come in upon
-47-
till
America,
Like
You
they had been out from under his influence for a good hour
it,
it
was too
late.
off
His
office,
somewhere
when
they revis-
in the great
open
ing out.
he
And
if
"Why,
And
I
head on one
say, yes
the weary
all
side.
."
work
started again.
mon.
It
to "extort
my
New Year
first
work of reference.
I allude to the
reader
all
it
way
bluff
monarch got
into the
-48-
it
signs
Why
one-
Archie
Had Magnetism
the sixpence?
The
his
.117.17.6does
some
his
lifted the
to Self,
it
likely that
If
Cardinal
for
New
was
more
bank
the
contents of his
Year's
on
head and
King met
escort. It
far
is
at the
The
waiter
him
to give
unconvincing fumbling,
it
shillings.
you are.
Only one man ever got the
girl,
to
and there
better of Archie,
and
like
A shilling
he,
who
Joe O'Brien or
when
New York
crisp, uplift
poems
its
They would
calling
print these
on
-49-
America,
Like
You
hoes, or whatever
He had
remember
if
correctly:
Be!
Be!
The past
is
dead,
Tomorrow is not
Be today!
born.
Today!
Be
back
his
check for
it,
less the
customary agent's
it
bounced
at him.
You would
Undoubtedly
friend, or
any of the
my
Kentucky
would have
and handled
more
and watching him put
head on one
side
it
-50-
in
as a
his
say, yes"
Archie
Had Magnetism
was a moment
that this
own
his
advice, he decided
to
fiber,
office
boy
and
fifty
what
find out
learned that
gave Archie's
Archie's papers
it
He
among
in
$16.40 to
money
so much,
that.
He
said
it
it
his ac-
him
out.
wasn't the
thing. It hurt
whom
he had
when
Archie regarded
that he
meant
York holds
pockets,
them.
fancy that
He knew
am
was
of us bright
all
well.
for the
it
feeling particularly
young men.
I tell
myself
New
and he did
What he would
really
He
owned a shack on
new
when
was
to
working away
they wanted a
charge of
all
would dole
it
His
little
full
of eager young-
and running
pocket money.
to
him
He would have
He
succeeded in
-51-
in-
this
Hi, Bartlett!
At the time
still
stories,
-52-
Collier's
Weekly
Hi, Bartlett!
on
the
waived
his
this is the
white
fairly
himself, let
it
me have
and
tling bills
tried not to
was
me
tears, for
I realized,
on
tically forever
five
hundred
to start pouring.
To
seize
in with a
Duke down
in
me
the
work
book
my resig-
of an instant.
I
took a room
Bartlett's
Col-
jolly old
and
regret,
that this
settled
pencils, envelopes
wonder
if
Bartlett has
have been
am
all
know where
it
would
and
I will slay
you.
How many
-53-
me my
an erudite
Bartlett
little article
of
America,
You
Like
how he managed
to compile a
tations or whatever
In
started.
its
it is.
One can
him
at
me how
Bartlett did
it,
how he
doT
"Such as
?" said
Why
John
don't
you
find something to
(born at Plymouth,
Bartlett
Mass., in 1820).
top."
my top."
John
Bartlett's face
modern
lit
up.
of familiar quotations, a
to their
literature?"
He lost that
sullen look.
do
not to
be,'
and
all
So
far,
me
John
Bartlett.
a pencil? Califor-
come!"
so good. But after that, what?
-54-
Where
me
did he go
that he
had
all
"
Hi, Bartlett!
Manutius said in
says
John
Bartlett, buttonholing
an acquaintance.
"Shakespeare?"
"No,
"How
Younger
"Pliny the
said, 'Objects
"He
they
if
lie
under our
eye.'
John
"
Bartlett with
an
ugly sneer.
The acquaintance
"If
it
stiffens.
it
ought to
all right,
no need to
get
worked up about
it.
"Everything
is
"Soothed.
By
"Well,
bung
"but
I'll
I don't
is
soothed by
oil.'
what by what?"
oil."
think
it
much
of
it.
Ask me,
Bartlett dubiously,
the
off the
sauce."
And
so the
book got
written. In
-55-
its
original
form
it
con-
America,
Like
You
tained only 295 pages, but the latest edition which Chris-
and
fifty-four,
shows how
this
more
error in narration"
Hariri,
1054-1 122)
as
it
You
It just
say to
won't
Ali
Ben
One
process
Ah!
is
It is like
become
frightfully mixed.
the barriers
let
down
who lower
its
pages. Gabriel
And
it!"
Gabriel Romanovitch
feels,
-56-
felt
how
the same
Hi, Bartlett!
way
what the
himself.
at a loss to
at the
Hotel
imagine
Duke
the
somed out
pagne
that
into
Room
no end of a
or a
my
eye off
it it
had
Cham-
Diamond Horseshoe
blos-
or something like
to the strains of
some-
marimba band. In 1909 it was a seedy rookery inhabited by a group of young writers as impecunious as my-
body's
self,
and
all
the dancing
we
in
We
did this
when we found
was not going
check of ours.
We
lucky for
me
that the
they had, I should have been in the red at the end of the
first
it
my
stuff,
made
-57-
the un-
promising
America,
Like
You
start
Collier's
spirit
them
famine victim.
Weather,
if
in
is
New
and a hundred
others.
They
Davis, a man
Ainslee's, the
Pop-
all
all
edited
by Robert H.
in the
practically
.
English
individual inhabitant. It
York
all
from crag
to crag.
me
in that light.
was able
a resident of
Plots were
members
was
like
entirely
New York.
my trouble.
It
More
when
was handicapped
of my circle
an angel
in
to him
became
owing
I first
as a writer
by
-58-
Hi, Bartlett!
reporter.
Klondike.
with
Rex Beach
in the
The
on
showed
the right
much
room
to
Hank Hawkins is saying to an acquaintance whom he had never much liked: "Gol durn yuh, Rupe
low-down, double-crossin',
yuh
or
hills
I'll drill
like a dog."
indicated that
halls of
sitting there
for dialogue
thought
as I
it
was thinking
and a nice
was nice
light
but what
Davis.
Bob was
terrific. I
would look in
at his office
him
at
littered
seemed
to
be quivering
like a
dynamo
on top of
an enormous desk
all
man who
Anyone who
is
it
was simul-
till
Munsey"
-59-
if
he has
After a few
from
civil
America,
exchanges
down
I saying
my
damning
You
Like
he would
work
get
to business.
"What on
Why
aren't
these weeks? I
all
you writing?"
you
How
do you mean,
He
springs
Two
room.
from him
turns
starts to
pace the
to flutter
going to blush
all
completed story I
is
minutes later
the time I
am
writing
it
have
I
am
five dollars.
For
had been
the Best of
word
at a time
sey's ideas of
My Memory
Bob and
tells
in his
To
of selling a sixty-thousand-
serial to
getting
would
call
at times to
be fussy and
Hi, Bartlett!
had
sent
to
come
and
talk
it
even wrote a
series of
had hoped
that
in
when
my shame
time.
-61-
was buried
in the mists of
America,
Like
You
anyone wants a
that
girl
Nobody has a
be the
to complain
first
but
girls there, I
Underground Den
me
that sort
is
should
when
she
in
Limehouse
Woman seems
is
And
being shoved
something of
flesher.
For, though beautiful, with large gray eyes and hair the
color of ripe wheat, she
is
girl.
She
may have
Blackbird
Gang
is
The
police
house. But
and
goes.
The messenger
is
a one-
evil grin,
him into the closed car with steel shutters over the windows,
bowls off in it to the ruined cottage in the swamp. And when
the hero, at great risk and inconvenience to himself, comes
to rescue her, she will have nothing to do with him because
-62-
Hi, Bartlett!
it
was he
&?iZZ^t>
This
girl
Holmes was
mystery
Street
must
go.
What we
all
stories.
and
tell
and stepfathers
marry Watson
at a
The obvious
to
the story
there.
-63-
is
we cannot rely
America,
on
this
man. He has
us
let
Like
You
confidence.
The
story of suspense
ingenuity.
lessly
When
is
he was a boy,
now
is
called the
from a
fatal excess of
his parents
must thought-
that he suffers
clever,
and
it
has absolutely
technique or
He
methods.
scientific
He
just goes
and does
It
it.
never oc-
tie
a string to the
till it
rests
dle under
He has
will
it,
pass this
over a hook,
it.
string to
The candle
first string,
and the
it
to be struck
-64-
by
lightning.
You
can't
Hi, Bartlett!
suppose
Still, I
it is
no use
What
poor
lights.
do
is
to the beginning
and
knows and go
right
ABC. He
back
requires
careful schooling.
The keynote
floor, tie
a string across
an anonymous
letter
it
to
its
neck.
the only
way
of killing
flies.
men have
girl
got to learn
And
it
would be
to persuade
him
that
medium of a
Saturday Evening Post. What these
is that the best way of disposing of a
may be
is
is
smear her
to the overhead.
-65-
Put
Me among
the Earls
QCL
this
able to pay
satisfy
very
me.
lunch
occasionally
at
-66-
Me among
Put
and
seemed
it
evaluate
my
to
me that the
the Earls
time had
come
and
to analyze
prompt
steps
I spotted
like a flash
It
came
to
me
my
stories
when a
writer
ing
practically going
this at
a time
Norman
Francis Coe,
Reilly Raine,
misguided
contemptible
I,
yes,
poor
with a couple of
initials.
No wonder
the slicks
spicuously as a
man
my
work. In any-
first
as con-
night of
the Opera.
It
me
when you
right
get an inspiration,
last
It
remains of the
I was telling
wrong in thinking that I knew
nothing about anything. I knew quite a lot about English
country-house life with its earls and butlers and younger
myself that
sons,
and
it
had been
all
though
-67-
recognized this
question as a very
Like
America,
moot one
You
that the
American magazine
Worth
trying,
anyway.
typing
SOMETHING NEW
BY
And
It
had a
feeling that I
seemed incredible
to
me
was going
for
it
when
children came to the font not knowing what might not happen to them before they were dried off and taken home. My
three brothers were christened respectively Philip Peveril,
Pelham
And
New
-68-
like
Hyacinth
me
Put
Me among
the Earls
sand
five
it, if
me
three thou-
that
is
the series
featuring
grow, there
self against
story.
more
Saga
he
habit.
He
writes a
He
his side-whiskers to
is
is
This
down
is
one more
what happened
to
me
Pigs
Leave
months
it
It
elapsed
was
to
Something
between
Fish
Weather.
-69-
New
be-
Preferred
and Heavy
America, I Like
In a word, once a
I
had become an
You
addict.
me
the sleeve across the windpipe the other day for this
he accused
fondness for
now
that I
come
my
to tot
up the
literary career I
tured quite a
to earls.
of an
of the
undue
earls.
Well, of course,
well,
me
score, I
have fea-
as I often say
see
no objection
have come up the easy way, many have had the dickens of
a struggle starting at the bottom of the ladder as mere
Hons., having to go in to dinner after the Vice-Chancellor
of the
raised himself
come
entitled to
stairs closet,
step,
till
has
he has be-
-70-
Put
Me among
the Earls
Earls
fiction.
There
thing
earl in fiction,
is
seldom any-
if
in real life I
like
can
Seven Dials.
Oh
He
New
how
who
difficult it is to get
lost with-
is
sticking straws in
"Dear
One
is
lady, I
that
it
."
.
."
.
-71-
life
America,
is
Like
You
sadder.
velvet.
One need
only
One:
the Earl of
Wormwood
Scrubs,
would agree
A thing
money
about earls
and Burbage
easily.
liked to ask
Earl Smith.
have an idea
Germany who
may be wrong
that the
"of
One can
away
There
-72-
is
is
a brief interval
"
Put
Me among
the Earls
"No,
The Earl
coldness creeps
"You mean
"That's right."
"No
'of?"
"No, no
There
is
'of.'
a tense silence.
takes
all sorts to
make a
world, does
it
many
who
it,
poor
devils.
Twenty-one of
my
books were
first
one, as
me
I say, I
received $3,500,
-73-
when
I felt
America,
It
You
Like
office. I
am
circulation
and advertisement
figures,
came
don't expect to go
am
down
in legend
and song.
I don't get
who
men
like Cicero
existence.
pushed
came into
when they had
office
their
hit
with the
public.
who
There
is
-74-
is
more
Put
touchy than
will see
Me among
the Earls
John
P.
You
"You
don't
happen
to
know
of a
good
secretary,
my
typist's
cramp, answering
letters
it
my
Mine
I've never
"Look
known
know me.
If I
But I'm in
just
letters
it.
from admirers
do you,
ice
here," say
Marquand
abruptly,
"How many
"I asked
terms.
And
away
in a
Parkinson Keyes.
Going by
fair to
this test, I
The books
I write
seem to
do
convicts.
And
regards Obuasie I
-75-
As
me
America,
Dear
Like
Sir.
mine
You
you
that
York. So
want you
me by
a certain friend of
New
Now
it is
At
like that.
in
difficult to
just
what
to
make
as
if I
of a letter
had Obuasie
glance
it
would seem
But there
is
first
my pocket.
know
my
correspondent
is
under
what I do deal
in,
of the
drummer who
call
it.
Misunderstand-
One remembers
the story
was a demand
samples
all
that
socks.
invalids
Obuasie with
and the
make up
convicts,
moment not to
my
get
my pub-
stealers, surely
thing.
-76-
Money
isn't
who
is
every-
Put
My
Me among
me
in something of a
stories to
be read as widely
quandary. Naturally
my
I like
gether happy
ness
the Earls
is
when
I do not feel
some form of wasting
sick-
And
such
by nature,
gather that
alto-
can understand
it,
of course.
When you
are
"so
why should
I deliberately
when
don't.
say,
life
reading
It is
out,
And you
by reading Wodehouse?"
and
fit
it till
not
my
Then somehow or
know you
are reading
it.
And you go on
difficult to see
what a dilemma
this places
me in.
must have
royalties will
But,
you
amount
will say,
One moment I am
stealers
thinking
how
sad
it
why
behind you?
And
-77-
here
When
am
if
you
faced by
I said I
was
America,
read by dog
stealer
and
that, for
he
was swanking.
stealers, I
of dog stealers
who
You
Like
enjoy
my
It is
a galling thought
specifically admits to
rotten
dog
stealer at
motives in writing to
pen
that I
him
hope
to start a street
bookmaker's business.
The more
I think
over his
It is
no good kidding
that in order to
and he will
buy
my
And even if I
me most un-
oneself.
letter,
to
The way
books he
will
be a steady source
I figure
have to
it
out
is
steal dogs,
more
skill
own copy
but to send
will
off
port to
-78-
"
Put
bookkeeping
lump him
I
to take
Me among
that I have
begun
seem
letters
my works
an
off for
shift.
"Another
column and
the night
dog-stealer
kit. I
the Earls
it is
getting late.
must be going."
"Yes, Mother."
Mask?"
"Yes, Mother."
care of themselves.'
fit
by Frank
Sullivan.
when he opened
The shock
the volume to go
-79-
America,
so unnerved
him
Like
You
if
you wish
You can-
to succeed in a difficult
overcrowded profession.
-80-
and
But though my
public
is,
as I
have
said,
a limited one,
fessions. I
am
thinking at the
moment
of the secondhand
ach by meteorites.
sight
it
racket attracts
money
many because at
You get
in the street.
and here
-81-
America,
is
the catch
bridge.
it is
You
Like
They were
all
the
customers into
it.
too. It
traffic,
thousand pedestrians
you can
I
doubt
call
if I
it
daily.
"Give
it
to
and
your
It
went begging.
which
flourishing,
was shocked
I don't
pound
do the
dialect.
I can't
snails
You
who
if
down
hundred
five
to
track the
it
and robust-
bit
schnirkel-schnecke gatherers
come under
the head of
-82-
when
"
that that
is
the walk in
life
which they
have chosen.
"Pop," say the Austrian son, "I want to be a schnirkel-
schnecke gatherer."
"Capital, capital
tells
misguided policy,
it
him
French restaurant
gets
down a matter
ought to do
is
get a job in a
boss's daughter
is
much future,
in-the-stomach-by-meteorites racket.
I know what you are going to say. You are going to
me
tell
that down in Sylacauga, Alabama, last year, Mrs.
Ann Elizabeth Hodges, as she lay on the sofa in her living
Yes,
room, was
hit in the
and sold
it
the meteorite
for $2,700 to a
Montana museum.
"Reason
it
mark
"
But
you.
you
all
A meteorite a day
keeps
saying.
that
"Two thousand
am
with you.
"
"At $2,700 per meteorite per person per day, that would
-83-
America,
be $985,500 a year
You
Like
or in
nice money."
"Ah,"
I reply,
You
in
hit in the
stomach by a
can't count
hit in the
stomach by a
you
become an average
And meanwhile
adjuster
Ann
Mrs.
now
and you go
say,
and do
off
and
well.
is
lying
on
you are
best.
Good
good
luck.
Yes,
am glad I stuck to
writing, even
Lee
down
is
to
it,
that I
to Television. I
as "light writing,"
known
in the trade
go in for what
and sneered
was referred
have never
you come
what Pinky
I suppose,
is
if
humorists
am
to Literature about
though
they
are looked
at.
-84-
ago as "that
man a burbling
He
He
frets.
He
refuses to
The next
thing
tered chirps.
Now
still
on
forever,
felt that
such publi-
an anthology of
souls like
body loves them makes them feel that it is not such a bad
little world after all, and they pour their dose of strychnine
back into the bottle and go out into the
the door instead of, as they
sunlit street
through
sev-
book I have mentioned was probably the only nice thing that
had happened to these lepers since 1937.
Three suggestions as to why
ceased to be have been made
one by
is
mine for
what it is worth.
Humorists, as
at, if
see
it,
-85-
At English schools in
America,
my boyhood
popular.
ass."
If
Like
You
("You
are a
versation took a
silly
mordant and
satirical turn,
If
"silly
your con-
you were a
to get kicked. It
is
to this early
is
who
man
Today the humors of maladjustment have succeeded the humors of deformity, and
they want you to be neurotic. If you aren't neurotic, you
cultivated a deceptive stoop.
simply don't
morists
rotic
rate.
nowadays
when
And
is
the reason
that
it is
why
virtually impossible to
be neu-
thought
was be-
had
started.
thinks
-86-
is
that the
shortage
is
due to the
double
he
when he
whammy from
says, the
modern tendency
dares to
let
is
to
ing
him
as a fiddler while
or two experiences of
Gibbs,
this
I think, is right.
will
Rome burns.
now
prevailing in every
heard
this year.
My
and
heard so
last
much complaining
as I
have
diets,
mod-
-87-
America,
Like
You
fight
who
"Roland," he wrote,
has brains.
Though
it
"is
may
He
much
of late
is
little
gray
that letters
or poorly
cells,
poured
equipped
such
am
them lower
it
know what
French would
call
is
to be
done about
it.
It is
what the
of course, but
nant Parisienne.
letters
beginning:
"Sir:
uncalled-for
letter
terest invective.
the
man who
And
the
to
tell
me
there
is
not some
"What we need
in
one of
fun."
And how
right
Robert Benchley
he was, as always.
We
Fifty-
the fun?
When
I first
came
to
-89-
America,
lighthearted.
You
Like
verse.
and a comic
article in
humorous books.
to
It
be brought back.
a
street corner,
only a
little
age,
want to see an
Bob Benchley
resolution
stories
and
think
it
ought
Perelman on every
S. J.
on the part
of the
young
writers
and
And
if
is
gift for
him read
anti-
this
from
writ-
the Talmud, a
let
When we see a person who is downcheer him up." These two were among the
merrymakers.
cast,
we
who would
Heaven.
-90-
inherit the
Kingdom
of
To
too
much about
realized,"
he
that Jeeves
man.)
is
if
another
critic
my
hadn't
writing
butlers. "It is
a butler.
He
is
ment I can get around to it, and I shall not mince my words.
Having now reached the stage one foot in the grave
-91-
America,
pompous and
far off
start giving
it
Like
You
where
would
make up
their
their attitude
Many
minds
as
toward the
is
to
be
critics.
be missing a
lot
which can be
letter,
"Sir." "Sir"
Worthington"
ger.
Use your
thing out
if
is
abrupt.
the fellow's
name
is
intelligence, Junior. I
on broad
Schwartz or Heffelfin-
am
lines.
-92-
To
hate to give it up, and I feel sure that, now that I have
read your most erudite and helpful criticisms, I can
my
Yours
faithfully,
G. G. Simmons
P.S.
What an
Police Gazette
tion of Reality in the Interest of the Syncretic Principle." I could hardly wait to see
P.P.S.
P.P.SS.
come
I will
along. I
how
it all
came
out.
of caviar?
see
you.
This
is
confess that
friends
and
influ-
pay a
fine
-93-
jail
in the
rather than
smoky chimney.
America,
Like
You
Not "Dear
strong but a
Sir."
little
louse,"
which
is
Sir:
owe your
still
he made
you
in the spring of
Clyde Weatherbee
P.S.
-94-
fif-
To
kind
this
allow the
it,
critic to
As
a matter of
fact,
some time
and
this
seemed
minor
to
still
come
show
that
vitality to
that here
and
Too many
harm so much
lingered.
who would
not
lived on
raw meat, and an author who published a book did so at his
own risk. If he got by without severe contusions of his selfas a
poet.
respect,
And
if
the
reception of his
hadn't,
he gave
it
up.
all
sweetness and
light,
and
the question
which
it
is
-95-
lately?"
is
one
America,
books now
You
Like
rewarding books,
vitally significant
wave
of amiability
the fact
is
and
Joe's
is
is
book column
who
does the
his
own Through
This, of course,
The Spokesman.
not so. Nobody who
is
knows
really
moment.
It is
this
a Mist Darkly
the
they argue,
Bill,
say
it
re-
for a
An odd coincidence,
is
downy growth
who have an
he
feels.
virile
age
let
all
unpleasant
clean-shaven,
the jungle
to a
in.
The
They used
men who
looked
like English
-96-
and
roll
sheep
about on
To
criticism
is
is
caustic
probably noth-
"What a day!" he
says, as
he
"What a book!" he
And,
feels as
he
if
he
leafs
is
a literary
critic,
-97-
says,
to be sell-
America,
You
Like
nose he records
his
opinion in his
this
column.
But
mark
let
man
He
the result.
feels
throws a
bomb
he
a lockout.
starts
at
someone.
he
If
is
If
he
is
critic,
know he
You have
of
this.
an employer of labor,
he
If
sits
has been in a
fin-
fight.
if
There
to whiskers.
It is
is
And
there
is
grogans,
the
great,
grew
Rex
Stout's,
which,
Assyrian
Mermen's skin
We must go back
cascading,
spade-shaped
whether under
we
glass or not
somewhere.
I realize that I shall suffer
-98-
will
be
To
no more of those
pp.,"
which
many
years.
have been
But
am
among
spinach
eulogies of
critics
know that a
would
general outcropping of
raise the
whole standard of
writing.
if
starting his
he knew that
it
would
would be the
what
it
And
small, select
it is
There used
to
is
grow whiskers.
Man
it.
an
perfectly easy to
be a whiskered
on
group of tough eggs who had
carry
takes.
me
would be for
who would
all-in wrestler?
Tush!
If I
because
one on which
it is
who
Oh,
is
it is
have
will all
want
man
embodied these
to hear. It
this subject,
I
in a lyric
which
am
sure
you
and they say Oh, do, and he says the only thing
-99-
America,
he can sing
is
Like
You
And
he clears
his throat
and
begins:
The world
is
in a
mess today,
And
crime.
What
Franciskers.
What
this
Like the
country needs
is
-100-
To
Who
Were
saved.
What
this
country needs
is
men
with whiskers,
What
this
country needs
is
men
with whiskers
best begins.
What
would
So
let's
And
fly out,
"Back
-101-
to whiskers!"
America,
As
regards
my
my writing,
"Why
"that
Like
You
is it,"
Wodehouse writes
so
them
in a thoughtful passage,
it
with-
As a
child, I
a young
I'll tell
And
osity.
all
employed
really
gone
on
What do
And why
a corruption of
Though not
it is
like
a nimbus.
Why
Makes one
do
Where do
surely a misnomer.
Very
little
word
A butler
For
forty
ceased to be.
curi-
How
unbottles.
today.
more
might
years and
it
bottlers,
He
butlers; so
derby hats?
is
later I
have never
they go
belt; as
at
by
my
last butler.
-102-
To
roses
back to
London
my cheeks
courts where a
much
biting
by "the
me up
for a
those
modern
homes
there
makeshifts.
is still
was probably
No
another of
just
it is
done
forth, callow
will
I
permit
London
in
if
you
me the expression.
gratulating
me,
in
him on
time
we
met.
He
"Murgatroyd
well and
all
is all
listened to
when
his
he added with a
sigh,
right, I suppose.
was con-
had
work
finished,
Does
the banisters."
The real, crusted, vintage butler passed away with Edward the Seventh. One tried one's best to pretend that the
Georgian Age had changed nothing, but it had. The postFirst-World- War butler was a mere synthetic substitute for
we used
butlers, we are
know.
When we
the ones
to
of
-103-
place
America,
late in the afternoon
Somewhere around
Like
You
were known
five o'clock
as
"morning
calls."
frock coat (with the white piping inside the vest), polish
up the old top hat (a drop of stout helped the gloss), slide
a glove over one's left hand (you carried the other one)
and go out and pay morning calls. You mounted the steps of
some stately home, you pulled the bell, and suddenly the
door opened and there stood an august figure, weighing
two hundred and thirty pounds or so on the hoof, with
mauve cheeks, three chins, supercilious lips and popping,
gooseberry eyes that raked you with a forbidding stare, as
if you were something the carrion crow had deposited on
the doorstep. "Not at all what we have been accustomed
to," those bulging eyes seemed to say.
That, at least, was the message I always read in them,
due no doubt to my extreme youth and the fact, of which I
never ceased to be vividly aware, that
coat and
me.
my
my
brother's frock
was
sights,
of the
this that
once enabled
a laughing butler.
By
me
relatives,
and
fit
come back to
it
this later.
ing butler.
My
my awe
of them
To
Kong,
to aunt.
took
calls they
understand.
tributing
me
Even
at the
my
And
to
was a
The
thing
nephew
age of ten
little
generally ended in
smiles
Why,
along.
it
loved
little
it.
with memories of kindly footmen and vivacious parlormaids. In their society I ceased to be shy and kidded back
Sooner or
strous
later in
crow
in
me
life
as,
when
they write
lasted.
mon-
lips.
is
wanted,"
shamble
Eventually
waistline expands
turning point
I
and the
came when I
terrors of
realized
fifty,
my
whole
youth leave
one morning
butler
The
situation.
unbent with
-105-
us.
that, while
One
likes to un-
this slip of
a boy.
America,
You
Like
From
until I
was
telling
him what
hell
how
was
it
telling
is
we
progressed
me of former employers
that he has to stand be-
hind Mr. Big's chair night after night and listen to the funny
makes over his soup. You serve the soup and stand
noise he
you say
to yourself.
my
plains
what
versal
gloom of butlers.
here comes
in
Only once
have
that story I
On
was speaking of
having borrowed
bequeathed to
feet four
me by my Uncle Hugh,
and weighed
in the
man who
stood six
pounds.
Even
fish
seemed roomy.
mounting
knew
and was
off
my
when
was
not,
over
was
my
shirt front. I
Canute. Eventually,
It
how roomy
that bothered
King
-106-
my white
To
and
tie,
it
whatever
his
name was
his
his
hand over
had had some kind of fit. It was an unpleasant experience and one that clouded my life through
most of the period 1903-4-5, but it is something to be able
by saying
that he
to tell
fact that so
many
what
it
means
to a butler to
my
tell
that
good story of
It
his
will
butler,
me for
never
had entered
my
found myself
my early manhood.
A mutual friend
W.
S.
me
had taken
midway through
story. It
just outside
London, and
man began
to tell a
as tedious as
pause before you reach the point, so as to stun the audience with the unexpected snaperoo. In other words, a story
-107-
America,
which
is
pretty awful
sir,
till
was
there
Sir
two
in
I,
everything be-
it
it,
and
my
Cousin George's
this
me
was W. S.
the
punch
seem
so
to
line
I laughed.
would
as
telling
trousers, drinking
came,
when
Gilbert telling
You
jollity.
this
my
Like
if
call
it,
suppose you
little
mine
puzzled,
more point
And
it
was
and
at this juncture
host's eye.
saw
in
it.
If
willingly catch.
far
from being
in re-
my very
my gaze and
were
was unable
I
to understand, I
up
like a glacier
-108-
and rumble
his day.
had heard
to
its
con-
To
and
had
it.
And now
gone to
have gone
bears
and
his rest,
all
to their rests.
all its
Time,
like
an ever-rolling stream,
He
But
I like to
think that
myself that
now,
when
I suppose,
we
shall
river. I
endure forever.
who
is
the assistance of a
charwoman,
finally
and pleasant
life,
hear as he
himself
settles
on
his
hands in
the
first
his dinner
thing he will
am-
brosia, m'lord?"
"Eh? Oh,
dashed
thing?"
it,
it?"
m'lord."
"Most extraordinary."
"Yes, m'lord."
"Is
everybody doing
it?"
-109-
it.
Like Harpo
America,
Like
You
"Yes, m'lord."
"Yes, m'lord."
to
me.
Still, if
your A, Beach."
-110-
you say
so.
Give
me
have told
the story of
my
how
my
Wodehouse
dead
self to
suppose,
I
if I
was enabled
really
would describe
though
it
will
knew how
to write
in pitiless detail
probably
on stepping
to rise
what
mean my
us hope
snipped
buttons only,
let
shall refrain.
To my mind
there
-111-
an autobiography,
did after that. But
getting
is
off in
stones of
drummed
my
buttons
out of
coat
a hollow square,
nothing so soporific as
America,
an author's account of
As one
tablished.
Like
You
he has become
of the
then
I
all
wrote ..."
have known
when
novelists,
lives, to
plots of
many
one
Of"And
said:
es-
feels
it.
when
remember the
Far
to
better,
Canada
springtime!
last spring
by
eating twenty-four
raw eggs
in fourteen
minutes.
is
how
when
I read
these fellows do
little
it.
an item
I
like
mean, you
conservative business
no mystery about my beginnings. You can trace my progress step by step. But how
does a man so shape himself that he becomes able to eat
twenty-four raw eggs in fourteen minutes?
One feels the same thing about performers at the circus.
over the years, and there
is
first
One
pictures
him
study-
mind
life,
when
suddenly, as he
sits
were
is all
really intended to
do was
-112-
My
roof into tanks.
Do
not
stifle
And
was going to
tell
he spoke. Interviewed
asked
how he
did
it,
"No, no,
"With the
his
sort of spiritual
Mr. Johns.
to
after
twenty-four in
he throws away
an agent. Some
no doubt happened
But
to see
Remem-
your individuality.
making
all."
mean how
first
egg
Call
Egg
it
or
I ate that
( 1 ).
egg, then I ate another egg, then I ate another egg, then I
ate another egg, then I ate another egg, then I ate another
."
For the
to
be
who
said.
are interested
1902
have pro-
duced ten books for boys, one book for children, forty -three
novels, three
hundred and
and have
been author or part author of sixteen plays and have written the lyrics for twenty-two musical comedies.
is
Then
more
light verse
more
was
alive
there
-113-
:30 in
is no man
You Too Can
suppose there
one of those
1 1
America,
Like
You
man who
wrote a
can
and
who
was something
of
whom
special in the
way
of
TV
few
interviewers,
ous question
fatu-
poet?"
his breast.
But
is
always deliberate.
Many
first
it
two
lines of
first satisfied
-114-
so terribly
impossible to stop.
It is
(Compare the
with a bowl of
its initial
coo-
My
lie.)
these
of a
bill
was
of fare at the
way and
write serious
after they
Mermaid Tavern
Who
merits a
word
of description
"There
isn't
such a word."
"Hips on?"
"Doesn't rhyme."
"I
tion
seem
fits,"
to
"How
fits
(viz.,
about 'And
tion."
"And
as rotten a
"Oh,
one as
I ever heard,"
And
snapped Marlowe.
into a play."
-115-
America,
My own case is
Like
You
As
I say, I
had never
happened
my New
rather interesting.
lift
It
was
as
book
suddenly quiv-
fish.
section of the
heated
though
letters
Sunday
New York
Times.
It consists
letters
my
of
of
attention
Sir:
I
would
like
my
gripped me.
I felt,
and
and
the
was
finest
could do
poetry
them as
it
my desk with the old pipe drawing well and a pot of black
coffee at my elbow, and in another trice
if not sooner
was well into my first serious poem. (The stuff seemed just
at
to
pour out.)
It
would be a
-116-
you
all
worked up
My
do
it
do not propose
to
so. It ran:
Take
You
If
can't be a
competent
ish.
isher,
stuff
you wince.
So though low
a washout, in short,
I have always this one consolation:
I tell myself, "Courage, old sport!
There are others more gifted and risher
bit of
beautiful,
but
You
From
-117-
America, I Like
You
-118-
My
me what it has
Couldn't
I,
been about."
all
off
Swoop, a
my
financial position?
on the invasion-of-England
skit
at a shilling,
sometimes.
it
which
stories
in five days
brought
it
me
selling
Was
it
asked myself
it.
that.
Yes,
it
was, for
had a great
writing
all
my
one-
money.
should think
it
who
is
How
me
it
they do
it
for
money?
They
mind when he spoke
had
in
Although
it is
many years
up writing
me
to note today
it is
what ap-
-119-
America,
known
cuckoo, better
You
Like
some
possibly to
of
my
readers as
I don't believe
In
my young
way
was
to
be the
say,
it.
shall
and
"O Cuckoo!
stuff.
its
lightest
first
to hear
it,
for there
was no surer
Virtually
Sap, Pro
all
Bono
the
men
Verb
had
by hearing the
first
was
it
hot. It
"My
after
me once
my unpub-
you.
who wrote
is
You must
all
first
terests."
letter in
My attention has
-120-
My
Sir:
If the
is
Pretty poor
stuff.
the cuckoo,
in perfectly neatly in a
hun-
dred ways.
Before
who had
their attention
drawn
men
history of the
The Twelve
Jolly Letter-Writers, I
found
topnotchers.
You
started at the
Sir:
I
-121-
the
America,
Like
You
Sir:
The cuckoo
is
its
liquid notes
and
finally,
when
the
attention drawn.
There was, as
the ranks,
One
no ceremony of
just sensed
an A.D.,
like
practice as
I recollect
when
is
become
up a large
an English
what
it,
barrister,
known in
is
who
has built
ripe for
is,
him
to
when
become a Queen's
to "take silk."
remember, soon
after I
had taken
silk,
me one morning
was writing
I said. I
headstrong then.
"It is
drawn. Otherwise,
in his well-known
poem have
written:
-122-
My
made
am
sorry I
had
to put
him
ought to
He was
all
business.
You
and had
to be his patron,
like a bedspread.
No wonder
He
he was in
ugly mood.
would be
if
how wonderful
it
could be revived.
None
listen to
-123-
and
select
your patron.
America,
tically all
weak
in the
fairly
Like
You
weak
feeling
it.
and
it's
his
said. "I
know
who
the nurse
They love
'My
lord'
oil
and 'Your
it."
room
this
your
to hap-
in his ante-
later
till
till
poem and
was bound
and then you hung around
pen sooner or
you waited
to the presence.
when he
in?"
you explained
that
"Who on
earth
let
you
to look at
moment. Let
wanted, you said, to feast your eyes on the noble brow from
The
effect
"Oh,
to Spring."
was instantaneous.
member
of the peerage,
"You
"Liked
it,
my
lord! It
knocked
-124-
what?"
me
flatter
than a griddle
My
cake,
my
lord.
That
my
as
you
lord.
what
mean."
f&j
-125-
America,
"Genius! Genius!
Like
Do you work
You
regular hours,
my
lord,
"W.
for
i.
mostly. But
write
and
"Why,
all
tell
me.
sort of bloke.
yes,
my
lord, I
am
a writer,
do
"Make
scribble a bit."
on every bush,
ship's
go? Ah,
Spring,
yes.
when cuckoos
lordship
Your
it?
patron?"
"Your
lordship's condescension
you go out
overwhelms me."
to fling
my major-domo
is
coming back.
phone number.
-126-
gave
my tele-
My
"In the
life
man
of every
living in
New York
and sub-
"there
shall
he not
have
his
name
you are
in myself. I suppose
in the
in the
book? There
book or you
it
am
aren't. I
made me do
it.
For
reads well.
"Wodehouse P
1000 PkAv
BUtrfld 8-7598.
seems
me
perhaps
word
than Wodczaika Theo 279 Riv Dr ACdmy
Much better,
want
no mid-
it
unquestionably
is
to
it
zippier
the
is
577 Grand
Selma
diately after.
2-
and Wodilly
it,
are not
I say to myself.
'1000PkAv,'
I say to myself.
'BUtrfld
"
was
that
California.
my
and would
am
He
said
this
seems
al-
he
if
if
I like
-127-
my
sit-
America,
Like
You
And
and
am making
you
can't
now hangs
it
over
my
ever
desk.
the point I
is this:
What-
books,
spirit.
We
authors
live,
am
here, unless I
coming
into
its
little
own
something on the
we have
mistaken,
side,
and
again. It should, in
my
opinion, be
encouraged.
If
me, what
my
need particularly
at the
moment
are:
Golf Balls
Tobacco
Cadillac
Dog Food
(a)
(b)
Suitable for
A Foxhound
A Pekinese
winter woolies.
would not
And
warm
hurt.
me
at
York.
-128-
Blandings
Island,
New
The
Slave of a
Bad Habit
America,
Like
You
it
rarely that
toucher on the island of Manhattan, and it was
on the
voice
a morning passed without my hearing a breezy
telephone.
"Mr. Wodehouse?"
"Speaking."
"Is that
Mr. Wodehouse?"
"In person."
"Well, well, well! Well, well, well, well, well\
you, P. G.,
how
No
colds,
How
are
coughs or
p. 129
Library
p. 130
The Slave
is
of a
Bad Habit
lot of
tobacco
for $2.62.)
But hark, he
is
proceeding.
wanted
to tell
had
and
getting
oh, yes
up a Christ-
."
.
your ears
"Sorrrrrrr-eeeeeee,
we
tell
giving
an unlisted friend of
his
who,
fifty-six
up the score
number was in
totting
found that
his
no longer
liked
any more,
at the
men-
at regular in-
the morning.
America,
Like
You
number a
to keep your
circle.
may be
It
at the
so. Nevertheless,
was
my
telephone number.
A fig,
snobs
good enough
Co and
age
for the
for
from
Long
Wodehouse and got away
became Squire
bought
this
it all.
There are
New York
One
is
no longer,
New York
taxi driver
scene.
always enjoyed doing that, though there are quite a number of people
who do
not.
Many
at them.
-132-
Bob
The Slave
Bad Habit
of a
who
as a
brilliant
ham
it
have
stories they
who will
I
am
blame.
listen."
it is
newspapermen who
the
are to
when
one of them, a
man who
chanced
of his
to drive
of gag
latter's staff
take a taxi
now you
who
one of
it is if
you your
breakfast.
Your
Mio"
as
chauffeur, learning
is
coming along,
car.
You
humorous
for the
the smile.
"0
Sole
you your
from the
sings
as she
hands
monologue whimsically
-133-
home
in the evening,
you
America,
Like
You
screen favorites.
It is
much
the
New York
taxi ride in
much a
not so
is
New York
cab.
taxi ride as
an au-
dition.
"Say, mister."
"Hullo?"
"English, ain't you?"
"That's right."
by the papers
"I see
this
there's
lot of talk
hydrogen bomb."
"Same
I believe."
Now
sion.
that's
a funny thing.
newspapermen are
If the
solation
place
hook and
one has
on
is
much to answer for. The only poor conif this had been taking
would by now have been
I miss
Still,
as I say,
it.
my
and
fis-
hit
My
confidently, getting
charioteer
New York
had opened
brightly
-134-
The Slave
of a
Bad Habit
"That's right."
"I see
this
by the papers
hydrogen bomb."
"Not much."
"Now
that's a
"Yes,"
interests
He
is
it is
and fission."
huntin', shootin'
arrived at
my
now, and
gave him a
destination.
My
"
can remember
I said.
them
funny thing.
fell,
lasting
till
we
had woken by
but there was no light
better self
fifty-cent tip,
somber eyes
as
he trousered
it.
feeling as
But
New
One
seemed
either
to
be
all
sticking
York.
is
It
out to stick up a bank, for these institutions have a fascination for the criminal classes, attracting
-135-
them much
as catnip
America,
attracts cats.
and asked
Like
You
wanted a
said he
Conducted
loan.
And what is
sure.
yes, to
be
your occupation?"
up banks,"
"I stick
he
said the
collateral or
argument.
it
is
is
not hidebound.
It
prefers banks,
man
driven snow.
and
fresh
What
these policemen
was
grocer's,
that
gadget.
It
fixed
to
it
it
affair
to let
dollars'
to sell
when
me
they
and then,
them
in,
and
this
are you?
from
worth out of
you
short
delivering groceries,
visit
as pure as the
wanted was
alert.
had a
Then where
said,
lifted the
"Oh, you
why
are
are,
you
Upon which,
imprecations.
-136-
The Slave
of a
much
while to take so
am
attached
it is
to the
it
door
who
profession
millionaires.
They make a
and
substantial
lows
Bad Habit
income
free of
mean
tax. I
the
Start
young
fel-
waylaying
has
wallet
left his
youngster
And
was fond of
to
adopt
at
home
or turns out
this profession.
be so embarrassing.
and
say, "Er,
with "This
is
thing to do
would be
a stick-up."
"Oh
er
It
to lead
excuse me,
sounds so abrupt.
up
sir,
before
good
I forget.
money and
it
suppose the
sort of.
me
with a
it is
is it
to be
we know it,
will
it
not?
Good
night,
Might
trouble
you
to
valuables?"
make
it,
to
strain a
man
little,
to
-137-
do
Sup-
America,
Like
You
it
S for Samuel,
T for
"
Thomas
He
is
might be.
I'm a stranger in
Then what?
But the gravest
man,
to
my
mind,
peril in the
is
The Phantom.
whom
quote from
we
my daily paper:
I see
no future
for this
slave of a habit.
-138-
Life
We
get none
burg, but
among
the Armadillos
life is
never
dull.
down
There
is
here at Remsen-
always something
kept bees.
"Ah,
how
-139-
America,
You
Like
was
if
It
late.
to ask
What put
I called
up
had
to re-
he was looking
one afternoon
as
mind
He knew
to
Why
bees?
nothing of armadillos at
thought
know what
stuff.
but never
less.
that
means
in armadillo circles.
beetles,
Some houses
armadillos, and he
more
have
it
sexes.
oil
come
to
life,
known
like
to themselves
dramatic
critics,
sleep all
day and
And
up
-140-
Life
among
the Armadillos
lips. It
it
must
"Sweet Adeline"
hours,
and rendering
in close
mind you.
And
this is
where
a very creditable
gone
and
light.
Where
a weaker
man would
have
off into a
his hands,
he acted.
He had
would write a
thesis
get one.
He
it
He
was no good
trying to
do
anything with the father and mother, they were too soppy
to register,
and
to
allowed to lead completely sedentary lives, undisturbed by anything except the thoughts that normally
disturb armadillos in the springtime. And at the end
of some weeks he found that the armadillos which had
led the strenuous life were happier than the armadillos
which had
lain slothful
-141-
and
passive.
America,
And
he got
his Ph.D.,
Like
You
evil
lot,
cometh
but I must
-142-
How
Life
does he
know
among
the Armadillos
were happier
an armadillo's
asking
itself
what
is
the
good of
-143-
it all
its
is
pillow and
it
shake
America,
You
Like
more
evi-
me
awful depression.
off this
should require a
lot
But what
interests
de vivre or lack of
Schwartz angle.
is
not putting
yes,
and
me
joie
If I
on the
my
is
say that
it
on top of
He
is
all
Riverhead
is
first
situ-
The coming
of
the sportsman
autumn always
who
over.
Worst of
lives in the
must
I live. I
all,
Wasping
is
over. Tick-stalking
is
a thing of the
past.
who
flies,
-144-
made
it
wilt
Life
among
the Armadillos
interest
flies.
eration of
flies,
seventy degrees.
turns
its
be
the mosquito.
to
to
Do
on
they quail?
Do they
falter?
oil in
Science has
home
The boy
One
pictures the
male
sort of character,
not unlike Arthur Godfrey, and one can imagine him protesting feebly
ness
when
the
little
woman
starts
out on a busi-
trip.
"I
"New York."
"You mean Newark?"
-145-
America,
You
Like
is
"No,
I don't
mean Newark.
"Pooh."
"It's all
You know
as well as I
do
"I
"Costs
fifty
cents."
And
and probably
gets squashed.
come
Still,
Rather sad,
we cannot
that.
off,
Somebody's
As an
year was
1952,
and
till
seventy-five.
beneath his
bound
feet,
copy of
sneaks
man who,
is
whitewashed, and
The History
Soviet Union.
-146-
Life
among
the Armadillos
Meet you in
all
-147-
Thin Blessings
in Disguise
it
would seem
America
that
telling us,
Mr. Wode-
of ours."
it."
"Any criticisms?"
"One or two, perhaps."
"Let's have them."
"You won't be
"No, no.
Go
offended?"
right ahead."
"You view
it
with concern?"
-148-
Thin Blessings
in Disguise
good idea
overdone
It
it.
was a mistake
And
it
to develop into
but
at the time,
to allow
He
wrote a
civil letter,
equally
civil reply, in
My
$15.
had
more apologetic than
him another
authorities,
When
for $150.
he returned
this
My
friend
retire
vision
them
was content
and enterprise
out.
You
and
think that
I still
to carry
nowadays."
"You
certainly wouldn't.
Of
all
who
widow and
James
-149-
But
America,
myself to become
Like
After
bitter.
You
there
all,
a bright side to
is
it
myself."
filling
up of the
all
young and old can take part with equal enjoyment. See the
family clustered around the table. There
spectacles on, jotting
There
down some
notes
is
on Amortization.
is
H and putting
it
on top
of Sub-
supertax.
You
my eyes.
note that
(not
gifts
made
as a consideration for
services rendered)
under a
will
will
or inheritance) are,
looks to
me
is
that
budgeregah's birdseed.'
other, all
And
so
way
it
goes to
"I
family affection.
house regards
all
his wife
and
children.
why on
Many
man who
has
-150-
Thin Blessings in Disguise
with a
disliked
who seemed
to
grow more
may
split
And
the income.
the children.
little
softens
reflects that
sum per
As
he
entitled to
knock
off
demeanor
talks vaguely
"Profoundly
true. I think I
must withdraw
my
criticism
you would."
"I thought
let
far too
many pigeons
That
what
"Oh, well
you?
is
You
in
ask myself.
.
start
You
Why?"
life,
don't
er
in
it
It's all
little
delicate, of course
Well,
in a nutshell, time
pigeons."
" 'More'
is
right. I see
no need
like to
run them
whom
-151-
all
I admire.
out of town
America,
Like
You
and you
dozen moaning
if
bought
last
"I see.
"Exactly.
York
But
fine.
just takes
it
other purposes.
PkAv
When I had my
in
New
utilized for
to get
back
at those
gargling on the
their
it.
It
"Appeasement, you
felt,
else for
moved
sweat of
it.
The
my brow
won
a certain
this
bread
hound,
my
myself,
my
wife,
-152-
my
fox-
who might
happen
drop
to
in.
But much of
it
had
to
go to support a
arm.
money.
It sits
up
on your
It
Not
much
so
as a
at
it
in
it
laugh,
either.
'Stale
bread!
He
Who
does the
to fix
man
think he is?
Wodehouse.'
says a second
pigeon.
" 'No,
nothing
"I
we must
Martin gets
till
into hiding in
out by
'We
can't
do
here.'
if I
had not
Remsenburg,
and gone
this time."
"You're
"Up
in
right, they're
Washington,
tough babies."
I see
by
my paper,
away from
William
W.
mittee he thought
it
would work."
-153-
America,
"Not a hope.
It's
You
Like
would simply
touched
feel
off electric
if
you
money.
there
is
If there is
life
"You
don't. It
is
them or you
this
one thing
it is
that
as simple as that."
And
is
"The hurricanes."
-154-
"Ah,
all
that bunch."
is
a nice
girl.
-155-
America,
"But Carol,
"Edna
also.
Like
You
I believe,
had got?"
in,
Carol, she did not have the same scope for self-expression.
we were ready
for
in.
rilled
lips of
flop.
when
two."
"A
me
is
why Cape
wind
the
moment a
it
but
quivers in
odd,
But why?"
is
it
not?
And
here
is
have
its
bright side."
"Not pigeons."
"No, not pigeons, but everything
-156-
else.
The income
tax
on
shikar.
And
the hurricane
you
there."
it
this
was an ex-
The
father of
many
a family of growing
girls,
made such a
-157-
reveling in
why people
Gaughan
sometimes think
fortitude
if
the Deliverer
is
like
much
set after
all
the time.
into a world of
sunshine.
now
-158-
Gaughan
on the dark
the Deliverer
side.
the
At
least,
evidence submitted
six.
Everybody
is
would say
their
little
children.
On the
The
on the most
now
the
The
John
New York
the fellow
is
watch
television
you
who watches
just think of
don't catch
singing, but
yes,
that he
Where was
John Crosby.
I? I
My
can
having to
Ah,
tele-
may think he is
seem to have
Premier
U Nu,
on
television
and
U Nu was
so doubled
up
It
like this:
comes from
United Nations
ha
condemning
heard
but
you
"If aggression
ha, ha,
ha
a foe
ha, ha,
the
that foe,
wait, folks,
-159-
ain't
America,
nothin' yet
like
quiet
do
when
going
ha
ha, ha,
full justice,
or even
you
You
if
little
studio audience.
and jumps
Like
to slay
this is
roars of merriment
No wonder John
up
from the
in the air
if
John.
-160-
it is
canned or
Gaughan
the Deliverer
bottled.
The man
intervals
love
in charge of
it
artificial
it.
to
do
veil,
are
their bit,
still
spite of
seem
to
be governed by
amount
it
used to be
on the
television
was cachinnogenic.
party
line,
it
And now
America,
Like
You
fails to
am
is
a fine
spirit stirring in
The people
are
on
the march.
and shot
law against
television. I
want
to kill a
TV operator."
hit the
producer on
this?
-162-
What's
carafe,
Gaughan
picked up on the
was
set,
the Deliverer
all
really
it,
to stab
cameramen,
it is
as
cheap as
He had
paid only
that. If
dollar.
It
was
police
as
came
is
some law
knows why.
Where Richard Gaughan Gaughan the Deliverer most
went wrong, in my opinion,
of us are calling him now
was in confining his activities to a rehearsal, for by doing
time
till
He
Where
difficult to
say which
is its
it
would only
it
so frightful,
most repulsive
is
I think,
stay quiet,
it is
of hyenas at everything.
-163-
America,
ica strong
men
Like
You
But a time
will
Gaughan.
do
it
on
And
don't
the cheap.
make
as
From
good
dollars, get a
prices.
Even
if it
costs as
knife,
to say that.
it is
hunting, Richard
Avoid bargain
much
two
Good
it
human
ing
fights,
am
on
concerned,
do not
it
particularly object to
I say
provided
mob by appearing
book
out,
it
rings,
and
it is
briskly that I
Strictly for
Morons
half -hour;
-164-
Gaughan
the Deliverer
sleigh's Life
ular
demand
for
that there
is
a great pop-
Mary
substitutes,
but
this is
would take a
not so.
insignificant
less to
the far-
bit of finding.
Blood-
glasses.
it
on the
is
my book
am
if I
that the
man thinks
seen by millions
poor deluded
soul,
is
Authors as a
to
class are
go to one of those
this.
no
oil paintings.
You have
only
tall
and
girth,
like
but
all
by the
Only very
least fastidious
rarely
do we
be
different. I
find
on the radio.
to anything part-human.
me on
might do myself a
graceful words
bit of
would
-165-
it
rich,
calculated to
America,
make
number
quite a
$3.50. But
Owing
my
to
You
Like
up the
fatal to let
it is
work
of a cheerful,
if
back-
this
all that."
Mr.
P.
And what
happens?
G. Wodehouse"
"We
and on
have with us
totters
a spav-
keep
it
wonder that
when the half-yearly score sheet reaches me some months
later I find that sales have been what publishers call "slow"
feebly like those of a galvanized frog. Little
one book-
blame them.
as I
I
do on the
don't
who
looks
television screen.
this
every newspaper
staff in
columnists,
photograph
at the
me.
mean,
after
practically all
seems to
had
it
in succession
Hy
you have
-166-
his
all
is
column-
Gaughan
ists,
Walter Winchell,
the Deliverer
who
what
And
I
was
Walter
That
is
is
my prime.
in
the
me
me
too
late.
then.
is
But now
me
athletic fig-
stick at. I
my
why, when
cuting
Trim
more than
this publicity
man
off quite
calls
up and
bit,
and that
starts perse-
my
answer
Heaven
is
Even
know
And
to
my
pres-
be going to Hollywood,"
people say. "Yes," reply the people these people are addressing, "the
dous."
say the
"He
"Odd
first
demand
for
him
in the studios
name on
is
tremen-
screen credits,"
writes under a
tune, I understand."
-167-
for-
As A matter
not recently.
had a
year's contract,
was able
came a
fugitive
in the twelve
months before
to write a novel
an
attractive suntan
the
swimming
It is all
and perfecting
my
my
be-
and
golf, getting
Australian crawl in
pool.
tell
-168-
The
1930 the
talkies
all,
had just
started,
happened
to
up by a studio
some capacity or
other. I
might quite as
easily
in
heartiness
and
in
had a roof
Hollywood
hospitality
to
my mouth,
at that time
which
had
not.
comic opera.
affair
than
it
had been up
till
of sound
infinitely
then. In the
silent
know
their
him
who
a friend or two
for Christmas,
liked dressing
Mike would
up and having
their
And
start the
made
it
Finer
as for bothering
up themselves
it
never oc-
as they
went
along.
The
talkies
changed
all that. It
-169-
America,
Like
You
just to
the result
Nero.
The Grandeur
that
whole elaborate
a Pro-
had
to get hold of
The
someone
was a
result
You would
any
editorial office
excited yapping
see
New York
them
isolated
till
full
you happened
new play
that
And
you
all,
of them.
And, above
on them.
then
sitting in
all
of a sudden all
would come up
to
Time
stories.
"You know
that novelist of
ears
-170-
The
playwrights to
whom
it
little
had strayed and had got run over, for authors are
fellows
dreamy
notoriously
in traffic and,
middle of the
came
of dialogue.
out.
It
They had
all
been decoyed
away to Hollywood.
What
generally happened
Zukor
down to
settle,
was
this.
film executives
is
silence,
broken only by
Mayer
Then Mr.
"What
"That
girl?" asks
tall,
"The one
blonde
Mr. Zukor,
girl
girl?"
he says.
"A freckle?
"No,
it
was a
base of the spinal cord. Well, anyway, what was her name?"
home.
it's
know
it?
gone. But
I'll
her intimately."
-171-
America,
Like
You
long.
There
The author
a sound of
is
standing beside
is
that
girl
you saying
tall,
blonde
you
girl
of that de-
Hollywood,"
says
Mr. Zukor.
can't
just
her type."
not."
am an
author.
Women's Wear.'
'Sheer,
Tribune.
"
says
Mr. Zukor.
-172-
The
it
and then
sterner
he merely looked
like
Nobody was
it
led to
safe even
if
an author.
through
my
term of sentence,
teresting case. It
was
told of
One
oil.
one very
in-
of those
exception of
to
some
letters
relative at Christmas,
thing in his
But, by
life.
it
happened that
his ap-
way
of literary expression.
He had
ing eyes, and that cynical twist of the upper lip which generally
Still,
as I say,
he was
oil,
he was suddenly
set
-173-
upon by
in a closed
America,
car.
When
You
Like
fecto-Zizzbaum
fore him,
cell
on the Per-
lot
at
felt
him and
hats
and raincoats
him
telling
lots of sex in
it,
to get
but not
The
he accepted the
from
oil
philosopher at heart,
He wrenched
his
mind away
occur to him.
author's
situation.
is
scratching
He
found, as so
many have
found, that an
away
as briskly as
got his
was
that
is
start.
his fate so
equably.
useless.
When
was
in
among
suit of
an unfortunate
of her supervisor, a
to desperation.
As
The whole
affair
softhearted greatly. So
the world.
-174-
it
which would
The
got
know
if
"it will
anything ever
the
jailer's
but
daughter smuggled
fects to be.
What
backed with
me
of
to realize
What
barrels.
is
really
in a
meat
pie,
terribly de-
there
is
is
what
a slab of
it
one
af-
wood
is
actually a card-
file
what a
languorous lagoon
it.
it is.
of insidious deceit
came
at the
moralizing place
be a scorcher!"
it
in bathing trunks.
on a sensitive-minded
author.
Taught
at his mother's
knee
by people
And
is
possible that
improvements
At
am
It
am
writing authors in
-175-
Hollywood
America,
were kept in
and rows of
Like
You
little
these,
You
little
them
do not say
ness
was the
stop
rule.
of
them a
lettuce.
and
And
fact,
it
between the
di-
which
illustrates this.
One morning, he
said,
he was on
work, when he
felt
his
way
to his office,
the day's
He looked
Society
mere
playfulness, for
romp with
it
was often
first
to
He remembered
stories
one
where
of
-176-
The
precipices
on dark
knowing why, he
was well
It
there
Mary
star with a
Pickford.
Too many
this one.
of
case.
You may
fatal.
Not
that night.
all directors
tives
by incessant blue-penciling of
them
to
be sure
were
spirit of
like
the cap-
become listless and lose appetite. Destructive criticism is what kills an author. Cut his material too much,
make him feel that he is not a Voice, give him the impression that his big scene is all wet, and you will soon see
the sparkle die out of his eyes.
I don't
line of their
work
used.
All they did was attend story conferences. There were other
Bastille.
As
I say,
it
may be
different
now. After
still
be in our midst.
-177-
am
speak-
it
would be wise
You
never know.
all, I
America,
You
Like
If
he goes
And remember
Around about
and
It is
start
the beginning of
dreaming about
May, authors
girls in
get restless
abbreviated swim
suits.
yours muttering about the Golden West and God's Sunshine and
in his absinthe
-178-
Francis
Bacon and
for
to put
whom
it
And this
after
suit the
he had worked
-179-
America,
You
Like
Furthermore, he
said,
Monday in these
is
till
Tues-
a bad night
everywhere. Wait
into the theater
my
flirtations
with the
often mistaken in a
dim
light for a
Hallowe'en pumpkin,
I
have encountered in
Readers Digest
for years
and
years.
Most
to fix
up the
My
first
somewhere
what
it
asked.
He
that a plot
didn't
to have, but as to
-180-
made
us both feel a
little
stymied, but
we agreed
that there
He
all right.
Giving
little
by
it
Wodehouse Touch,
the
little
used to
("How goeth
it,
to
my
I believe it
hammer
And
so
get done.
it,
boy.
it.
efforts.
reed,
all
call
He
let
me
down.
broken
got as far as
ACT ONE
{Enter Henry)
Henry: What's
Very
for breakfast?
nice.
-181-
Ham
and oatmeal?
America,
but there he stopped.
How
He had
Like
he was planning to go on
You
if
had
("One
am
of the bar-
greatly mistaken")
the sugar.
The
straight plays
But though
is
Nobody
is.
Af-
was
week
in
904
that I burst
-182-
Aldwych Theater
in
Francis
the
Bacon and
as I
writing
known
After that
George Gershwin, Rudolf Friml, Vincent Youmans, Emmerich Kalman, Ivan Caryll, Franz Lehar and what seems
me now
to
me
at
my
(Billy
not to be wondered
moment
of
at,
when I can
then, that
my valuable time, I
spare a
The
subject
is
one of
to it? Can it
come a day when
we reach out for it and find it isn't there? Are the rising costs
compelling
last? If so,
happen
to
there
will
And
if
It is difficult
fifty
What
they don't
enough to
thousand dollars
of tomorrow,
when
tried to
-183-
America,
and
thousand dollars?
fifty
Howard
till
Like
You
It is
It
takes doing.
Dietz,
chorus for
What's
all that
What's
all
Max
Max
ager, he
How
And in his
silent tear as
through.
in the cheering,
Max
capacity of prominent
presumably had to do
it
New
which
asked
me
to
come
to a "backers' audition." I
920 and
was there
one
of
those
can-you-spare-a-nickel-for-a-cup-of-coffee
gentlemen of leisure
front of
you
as
like
the sidewalk in
Francis Bacon and the Play Doctor
in the uppers of
my shoes,
my
I felt soiled.
WODEHOUSE FEELS
all
the papers
SOILED.)
A backers' audition
and a
little
and herded
is
whom you
it
might be better to say you hope they are the backers, for
while there
problem
is
is
men
sit
down
mark with
the gullet,
and
then, loaded
out, not
having
money
to the Plimsoll
caviar, they
file
uttered a word.
And
this
to
to
be given.
third that
imagine that
somebody
it
was not
till
about the
sixty-
his
-185-
mother used
to sing
when
America,
Like
You
he clustered about her knee, or possibly conscience whispered to him that as he was
all
that caviar
it.
ahead of the
So he wrote
his
check.
out of the
money
What
thousand dollars
fifty
then?
You
bal-
comedy
The
fine,
but after
all
expenses had
profit
mathematician, but
to
prudent
men
That
is
these
No wonder
sitting
with the chin supported in the hand and the elbow on the
knee, like Rodin's "Thinker," you can be pretty sure that I
-186-
Francis
continue to
rise, is
costs
by and
is,
is
ample of a recent manager who induced a rich acquaintance to part with the necessary cash by reading him Eugene
O'Neill's
said.
had
written,
money
to put
"But
The manager
little
it
on the opening
puzzled.
It is
hand
situation
is this.
is
am
quite a situation.
The
trouble
briefly
The
Blow
on
scene-shifter's union,
other hand,
is all
for
it.
-187-
the
America,
shifter's
always provided
money
someone
it is
You
Like
else's
scattered in handfuls,
the case
may
on both
sides
names.
pires,
and the
calling of
is
far too
tight
off and
them good-by. He sees no reason why he should have
to pay a weekly wage to a gang of scene-shifters just for not
sition
to
kiss
over the
set
he wants
from time
is
an operative who
will
go
keep
it.
The union does not take this view. It holds that if the
manager hasn't any scenes to shift he darned well ought to
have, and it insists on him employing the number of sceneshifters
if
as
there
strike of stagehands,
which leads to a
will of the
which leads
union leads to a
to a strike of electricians,
manly ushers and the theater cat, it gets its way. Thus we
find Ruth Draper, who does her stuff with no scenery at all,
obliged during her latest engagement to employ seven
-188-
Francis
(Why
And
crimination?)
characters in
this dis-
it
Some
fif-
has ever run short of stagehands. They are there from the
moment
At
the risk of
how
briefly
becoming too
must explain
technical, I
ganized. There
is,
need scarcely
say, nothing
is
or-
haphazard
it.
First-chosen by
fashion
with
was because
file,
was uncertain
self straight
on the
point,
no annoyance
J.
Wilberforce,
who showed
working on
his
crossword puzzle.
"I
ings
tell
I said,
me
something about
"What
"The
situation
when
"if
greet-
you could
this situation."
would
-189-
and he frowned.
America,
You
Like
We
dusty.
am
told, the
America's leisure
be done,
he explained.
productions, where, I
and
little
we do
class.
course,
when
there
work
is
to
it
moved
Of
it.
to a downstage position.
if
an up-
We were
myself and my
each grasped one
we Loungers
if it
when
out of us.
"Oh,
yes.
chairs. I
am
not saying
it
It did.
does not
"Still, it
rule,
it
come
often, I suppose?
As a
general
leisure?"
At
voice:
this
it
and he blushed.
had spoken
kindly, but
stung.
moment somebody on
"My God! My
wife!"
and he wmced.
-190-
to
"One
make
no need
disturbance.
It is
is
have
man
and
doing his
and signifying
Aus-
'large
cries. Still, it
complain about
it,
and now,
I believe,
woken
He had
to
E," he mused.
I
I
knew
got
it
God
it.
"Emu!"
"I
and went on
of the Field
my way.
fill
So
I still don't
in their time.
Lilies
their reading.
They
tell
who
Broadway and
"Gosh!" he
said,
much moved.
-191-
America,
men
to tear
down the
Like
building than
You
we used
have to hire
to
And
is
the
after-the-opening-at-Syracuse conference
there
is
is
in
progress,
"is
a young
in.
man
with that air of sophistication about him that can be acquired only through long service on Broadway. Once,
years before, he had
made
many
ment of a play that had just opened out of town. The sugwas misunderstood by the producer, and the mistaken suggestion saved the play. Ever since then Bernie
gestion
acquaintance
tells
-192-
is
my
thoroughly
Francis
documented
read.
works
entitled
tatione Naturae,
all?)
So
of which,
He
will
Exchequer,
popular Chancellor, he
that
it
lnterpre-
we
known
off
sat
first
manager kept
it
six
in his power,
much
it,
sent
as he
admired
it
personally, to produce
the same.
Bacon
sighed,
to another
man-
ager.
When
if
any
on
his
have realized
-193-
America, I Like
from a
homes
the interiors of
too
You
for those
the strain
much
thing
expectedly a manager
him
to call.
And
his
hours in the
this
game,
imagine?"
bit of
writing.
"Plays?"
"Essays."
was saying,
man
to
do
company.
it
is
He'll
And
the
my
we'll
know what
to
do with
it.
fixed.
Now
about terms.
good
who
as Chancellor of the
not enough.
"Now, sweetheart,"
said the
-194-
manager
all
right,
I'll
come
it.
It
was Burbage
you came
into
my office,
I said to
them.
When
him wanting
my
You
the earth.'
aren't going to
Why,
if
make me alter
we do fifteen
night, you'll
that
in play-writing,
and
craft unless
he was one of the small coterie who spent their time in the
this
consented to hand
it
over to the
it
produced unless he
maid
office
boy round
to the
Mer-
for Shakespeare.
Shakespeare had the script with him, and when the meal
Of course
there ain't
is
to
finish is
it
needs a
lot of
everybody
-195-
else.
Lookut. The
America,
Like
You
King poisons the wine and Laertes poisons the sword and
it and
Hamlet picks it up in mistake for his own and plugs Laertes,
and then the Queen drinks the poisoned wine and Hamlet
sticks the
it
good?"
"It's swell, Bill,"
said Burbage.
-196-
Is that
good, or
is
Francis
Bacon and
"isn't
all
that a
little
im-
probable?"
"It's what the public wants," said Shakespeare coldly.
"Or maybe you think I don't know?"
"Sure he knows you know, Bill," interposed Burbage
the
Is there
We're
all
anything else?"
-197-
working for
America,
else.
The whole
You
thing's a mess."
Bacon.
"Yeah,
Like
Why,
something
made
"Not
in
been
I've
"And
in this business
"Well, what
Shakspur?
"Yes,
it
does
own name."
my own name."
is it?
comes out
It
"It does,
"
twenty years
it?"
does."
"Well, be that as
it
's
all right.
the angle.
he
You
see,
He
arm,
gets
do
who
you
this
boy was
clever," said
Burbage
to Bacon,
the tablecloth.
-198-
still
"Well,
make
girl
the
Bill
Ophelia, mad.
.'
not to be
as
he turned
if
he had been
He
paused, and
'To be or
" he
cus-
frowned thoughtfully
The
being crackers."
are crackers,
girls
girl,
They don't
Bacon was now thoroughly aroused.
that
like soliloquies."
"Says you!"
"How
"That's
Dream GirlV
all right
anything."
you
leaving,
Frankie?"
"Yes," said Bacon. "I
rins
and
That
when
is
the story
asked him
my
how
had
his
am going to take
a couple of aspi-
try to forget."
answer to
Baconian acquaintance
tells.
And
that.
-199-
America, I Like
You
HAMLET
BY
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
(Based on a suggestion by F. Bacon)
But Bacon,
after sitting
-200-
name
off the
Say
It
with Rattlesnakes
since
you
first
or, if
you prefer
visited the
it,
the
New York
scene
fifty-one years
ago?
Come
on, Grand-
"Well
New York
scene,
you said?"
"That's right."
"You
don't
want a
lot of guff
Human
interest stuff."
-201-
America,
lemme
"Well,
Like
You
Changes? Principal
changes?"
"Are there
you miss
"Now
in these
modern times?"
"Those
what was
"Sacred concerts.
to Sid Sterling
Was Only
"Ah,
and Company
a Fireman's Daughter.'
Do
-202-
Say
tity
It
with Rattlesnakes
whom
he did
it
re-
wife,
flaps. It
was
all
very devout."
attribute
"A good
deal of
"I'm sorry
self. It
it.
Call
it
two
thirds."
inspirational.
my-
An amusing little
"Oh, very."
"And what
Wode-
house?"
"Well, there's the American Christmas.
ple festival
it
used to be.
It
It's
or something."
"We
celebrate
"Too
big, in
injustice,
that
it,
my
you mean,
in a big
way nowadays?"
money out
my mind
make
of Christmas."
"The idea
horrifies
you?"
"Intensely."
"It horrified
put
it
up
-203-
America,
Like
You
I still
have
my doubts.
All
"Now
crawling
there's
all
over you."
him
He
ever
falter.
who
faltered
gave
me
a look.
He
if
he didn't
from
his brother
"He
told
me one thing
that shocked
why
from Tibet.
for them. I
know
that
if
someone came up
to
me and
said
work and would like to make some small return for the
many happy hours you have given me. Take this yak's tail,
and make of it a constant companion,' I would thank him
and giggle a little and say how frightfully good of him and
it was just what I had been wanting, but I should most certainly leave the thing in the subway on my way home. I now
have the facts. Yaks' tails are used for making beards for
department-store Santa Clauses.
"Yes,
I do. I find
You
wince,
I notice."
my eyes of some
-204-
tail.
Say
You
the
don't have to
yak to
realize
"He
doesn't
It
with Rattlesnakes
this
sensitive nature of
must mean."
to look.
me more
But enough of a
New
"You
find
"They are
all as polite
the change.
setting
as pallbearers. It
on deportment
Or perhaps
it is
may be Emily
because
"Possibly."
When
"Probably.
Yorkers were
all
on the brusque
and asked
it
side.
curtly
was customary
first
came
to the country,
They snarled
New
little
at you.
shoving.
-205-
America,
pire
and
at him.
to start the
One
of
my
watching a
mob
and
jammed
getting
good work
off
You
by hurling pop
in the doorway.
subway
Whereupon
bottles
subway
Two subway
Like
were standing on
'em
official, 'Pile
the two
put their
'em
in,
heads
officials
subway
first
train
official
George, pile
bucking the
line. It
was
effective,
it
was
though those
as
it
pen today."
"I get
at least say
'Pardon
"Exactly.
Billy
and
Rose
You
us, gentlemen.'
see
it
everywhere, this
would
his colleague
"
when he was
new
courtesy.
lights
"He could
we any
colors
you
like?'
"
-206-
Say
manager watched
when
with Rattlesnakes
pallidly
came back
his tiger
round he was
It
all
comer
at the
end of the
'how do you
feel?'
New
assailant
classes
Jersey,
that
spirit.
an unidentified
From
wrong
got
'I
guy.'
you
It
it
and
apologize."
is
Then
to the matter of
divorce."
bit,
but the
in
one
field
re-
America
still
-207-
Her supremacy
in
America,
Like
You
thirteen
think
was
it
thirteen
in
every thousand
to call
it
do was
film stars
and
Tommy
arms, and
we
Come
shall
we have Arline
Judge, Hollywood
at times
We
from the
New York
learn
little
life.
to
mention what
is
happening in Switz-
still
this
plugging
time have
away
with the idea that the Swiss do nothing but yodel and
make
leisure,
be well
some
woman
hit
is
his
-208-
as-
moment
Say
with Rattlesnakes
It
The
splendid. Every
the
spirit of
men there
and plan
herself
merge
to
as
soon
as the
knows
that
from Belinda
latter
will
be in court
tell-
and refusing
to listen
when
she had had last night, thus causing her deep mental distress.
"It
spirit.
may be
that
it is
the judges
is
sound."
who
are lacking in
team
"Some
them are
of
Not a word
all right.
who
of complaint
who
home ham,
to
him
applied
as far as
gerness to see
when
America
first,
this
'final final
devoted woman,
all
deea-
-209-
America,
Like
You
and determination
to take her
reflected that
round
be unrewarded.
is
shrewd
custom elsewhere.
cress
will
and
on a
is
it is
just this
going to hand
it?
"Nor are
all
Some
are
is
ahead
at
pull together as
steadily creeping
up and
any moment?"
know how
who
movement, are
Can one
one man
You
Mays couldn't hit a thing at the beginning of last season. Maybe we have become overconfident.
Or do you think that the modern American husband, intime to time. Willie
it
bride with the meat axe and deposit the debris in a sack in
the back yard?"
One has heard, of course, of the man in Chicago named Young who once, when his nerves were un"I
doubt
it.
-210-
machine
as a rule the
Say
"I
It
with Rattlesnakes
fornia.
in Cali-
it
became
restless
first
he
new
make
Why
not say
it
his wife
on
when an
these inspirations."
it
and when
he was
with rattlesnakes?"
And
coat of paint
in the
bedroom,
he
said,
'Which trousers?'
'The gray ones.'
'The ones hanging on the chair?'
'That's right.'
'Which pocket?'
'The hip pocket.'
'But I've looked there,' said his wife discontentedly,
'and
all I
-211-
America,
needed
is
it is
we
all
Like
You
not so simple."
pull shoulder to shoulder
What
is
"Ah,
yes,
zen, have
"I have,
at that. I
There
citi-
you not?"
will
come when
be a
lot of
ought to
it
had always
seemed
start
to
me that
running things.
now
I've got
for instance. It
stroll
gun and
is
getting so
stick lighted
nowadays
that
toes. I shall
"What
"Yes."
"And housing
"I
conditions?"
am in favor of them."
"Probably."
-212-
like
you
PR6045.53A82
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52136
Wode house
America
like you
Waukesha, Wisconsin
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