The Erotic Theater of the Mind

Secret Sexual Fantasies

by Dr. SUSAN BLOCK
Your fantasies are always with you, playing hide-and-seek with your perceived realities, whispering wild ideas into
your inner ear, showing movies in your mind, stirring your passions mysteriously, yet so powerfully. If you are
imprisoned in any wayby your work, your family, your education, your religion, your governmentyour fantasies
become your freedom. Sometimes your ability to fantasize is the only freedom you have.
Where does fantasy end and reality begin? The English philosopher John Richter said, Fantasy rules over twothirds of the universe, the past and the future, while reality is confined to the present.
Fantasythe original theater of the mindmakes up a huge portion of human consciousness. Memory, as it filters
through the minds eye, is a kind of fantasy that gazes backward, into the past. Hope, anticipation, fear and ambition
are fantasies that look toward the future. Our sexuality is fueled by fantasies of the past and the future, as well as
pure fantasieswild dreams that never happened and that you never really want to have happenthat haunt and
stimulate you like a kinky parallel universe.
A sexual fantasy can be a long, complicated story, a quick mental flash of erotic imagery or something in between.
Whatever form it takes, it arouses your sexual feelings. As such, your favorite fantasy is the G-spot of your mind.
Experts agree that sexual fantasies are important, powerful and pervasive. But they cant agree on much more about
them. For every study that concludes that women or men fantasize one way, theres another that concludes the
opposite. If you look hard enough, you can find a study to prove any theory about sexual fantasies and another one
to disprove it. Maybe this is because it is very difficult to measure fantasies except through questionnaires, and it is
so easy and tempting to lie on questionnaires, especially when it comes to opening up about our deepest, darkest,
most embarrassing, secret, sexual fantasies. Therefore, I will not use many studies to justify my points here. As a
sex therapist with one of the largest private practices in the world and a sex-oriented radio and TV talk show host for
over two decades, as well as an erotically-married woman for almost 18 years, I base my observations on my own
professional and personal experience, which I believe is as good a study on fantasy as any.
Before we discuss where your secret fantasies come from and whether or not to share them with anyone, lets take a
look at some of the most common ones.
The Perfect Lover
The most popular sexual fantasies among men and women involve images of sex with a passionate, attractive,
exciting partner who will do whatever you want, even if that means dominating you. Your Perfect Lover could be
someone you know; it could even be your real-life partner. It could be someone you saw in class or at work but
never talk to, a celebrity with whom you feel a connection, or a complete stranger you happened to face for two
intense minutes in a crowded elevator. It could be someone that would be your ideal mate, if only you could be
together. Or it could be someone very taboo: a relative, your best friends spouse, a bad boy or girl, someone of
whom you know your family would disapprove. Perfect Lovers run the gamut, but the universal characteristic is
that you find this person irresistible and extremely satisfying, at least in fantasy.
Even very traditional ladies who prefer romance to porn enjoy the fantasy of the Perfect Lover. While such a
scenario might involve nothing more than kissing, Perfect Lover fantasies can entail sexual intercourse in every
position. Oral sex (giving or receiving) is a big favorite, followed by manual sex, anal sex (giving or receiving) and
mutual masturbation. In addition to these basic physical sex acts, there are many other types of sex about which you

might fantasize, especially if you feel deprived of a particular favorite activity. Your Perfect Lover will never
deprive youunless you have a deprivation fetish.
One popular variation on the Perfect Lover is what I call Some Enchanted Evening: sex with a sexy stranger. Its
not that Im recommending sex with a real-life stranger, at least not without sheathing your body in a suit of latex
armor, the shining armor of the knight of the 21st century, but the fantasy of sex with an exciting, attractive stranger
is a delightful aphrodisiac that many women and men enjoy. One of the reasons these kinds of lovers are perfect
is that you dont know them at all.
Its even more common to fantasize about your real-life lover, who may not be perfect, but must be pretty hot and is
certainly familiar and easy enough to conjure up in the erotic theater of your mind. But because its a secret sexual
fantasy, you might imagine something different than the usual. Maybe you fantasize that your real-life lover is
aggressive even though he or she is usually passive, or the two of you are being watched, or perhaps you imagine
yourself watching your lover have sex with someone else. This brings us to the next most popular type of fantasy
Two Perfect LoversOr More!
Double your pleasure, double your fun; sex with two lovers is more fun than one! The threesome is another very
common sexual fantasy. Its often associated with the male erotic imagination, and its certainly one of the most
widespread male fantasies, invoking images of double-wived patriarchs and the pleasures of the harem. But women
are catching up as it becomes more acceptable for us to admit wed like to be with two hot men at once, or perhaps a
man and another woman.
The male standard is sex with two women, of courseoften a girlfriend and another lady. This sort of mnage trois
fantasy is flattering to your erotic ego and gives you a sex-educational glimpse into the secrets of lesbian sex. Of
course, these are not man-hating lesbians; in fact, they love your penis!
More and more men now also confess that they fantasize about having a threesome with a woman and another man.
The level of imagined physical intimacy can run the gamut from barely touching the man while you both focus on
the woman all the way to the two men having intense sex while the woman simply watches or directs. You might
also imagine watching the other man have his sexual way with your woman, with you as the cuckold, creating
what I call the sperm wars effect, a competitive rise in your sperm count that arouses you even if you feel jealous
and insecure.
Threesome fantasies can be so vivid, especially if one of the partners is your real-life lover, that many people try
breathing life into them. The resulting reality spans from having a beautiful experience which enhances your
relationship, as well as your sense of your sexual self, to an awful, awkward incident that hurts everyone involved.
One thing is for certain: Everything in any fantasy is perfect as far as your libido is concerned. Reality, however,
is not quite so in tune with what turns you on, let alone what turns on your real-life partner or the third party.
A threesome can become an orgy, which is another common sexual fantasy. One way to keep sexual monogamy
from becoming monotony is to maintain an active fantasy life with as many different partners as you can imagine. I
happen to have a personal soft spot for real-life orgies, holding them regularly at my Institute, giving me and
everyone here not just the chance to live out a common fantasy, but the opportunity to experience real-life
communal ecstasy. But thats the subject of another bloggamy and another Masters Tea. Back to fantasy
Bisexual Fantasies
Sometimes when you imagine a threesome with someone of the same sex, its a prelude to fantasizing about a more
intimate, same-sex twosome. Or maybe the third opposite sex lover is just there for show, to guide or even
force the two same-gender lovers to play with each other. Or maybe your erotic theater of the mind will just
combine the male and female into one and imagine sex with a pre-op transsexual or shemale.

This doesnt necessarily mean youre truly gay, though it could. It most often means youre truly bisexual, which I
believe most of us are, and that your fantasy life is making up for what you repress in your real life. Just because
you fantasize about having sex with someone of your gender doesnt mean you ought to do it. Same sex fantasies
can signify a lot of different things for people who lead mostly straight real livesfrom seeking personal validation
to breaking societal taboos.
Its funny; it used to be much more taboo for women to admit to any kind of fantasies, except the kind revolving
around love and bodice-rippers, a.k.a. romance novels. But now that more women are creating porn and erotica,
making it more romanticthat is, story and character-drivenyounger women are unabashedly eating it up. Modern
ladies also seem to have an easier time accepting their bi-curious fantasies than most men do. There are various
sociopolitical, cultural, psychological and physical reasons for this. Women know that most men are turned on by
two women together, whereas its still a rare, very open-minded woman who enjoys two men together. Our society
is more homophobic than lesbian-phobic. Then there are the real-life, physical risks which tend to be greater
between men, since penetration is more often involved, than between women.
When fantasizing about sex with another female, most women imagine the other womans whole body: her breasts,
buns, hair, lips (both pairs), clitoris, soft skin, seductive eyes, etc. When men fantasize about other men, they tend to
focus on one part: the penis. Usually, they envision a big one. So Freud was wrong about penis envy. Women
dont have it; men do. At least, a lot of men do. Certainly, Freud himself did.
Even, perhaps especially, the outwardly homophobic male has gay fantasies. Why do you think a guy like that is so
scared of gays converting straight men? Because in his fantasies, thats exactly what happens: a hugely endowed
male dominates him, forcing him to have sexusually giving oral or taking analand he likes it, at least in fantasy
(again, this doesnt necessarily mean hes truly gay). Masters & Johnson reported that heterosexuals often fantasize
about homosexual encounters and vice versa, more often reflecting curiosity and other impulses than the desire to
change the gender of ones real-life lovers. Norman Mailer went so far as to say that There is probably no sensitive
heterosexual alive who is not preoccupied with his latent homosexuality. I would add at some point in his life,
since such desires come and go.
Our society tends to make things black or white, good or bad, male or female, heterosexual or homosexual. But the
human sexual imagination is most definitely bisexual, even what you might call omnisexual. When Edna St.
Vincent Millay went to a doctor for her headaches, he suggested they might stem from an occasional erotic impulse
toward a person of [her] own sex.
Oh, you mean Im homosexual? Millay responded, Of course, I am, and heterosexual too, but whats that got to
do with my headache? Maybe thats what the Pulitzer-prize-winning poet and Vassar girl meant when she wrote
my candle burns at both ends.
Men are not from Mars, and women are not from Venus. Were all from the same beautiful, wild, sexual planet
Earth, and were far more alike than we are different. Dr. Alfred Kinsey was among the first to show that were all
on a bisexual continuum with absolute heterosexuals on one end and absolute homosexuals on the other end. Very
few of us fall at one extreme or the other. Most of us are bisexual to some degree. That doesnt mean we like both
sexes equally at all times. It just means most of us can potentially, under the right circumstances (boarding school,
prison, a desert island, etc.), with the right person (the Perfect Lover), be aroused by either gender. Certainly, we
can, and often do, enjoy being bi in fantasy.
Surrender and Power Trips
Power and surrender, or dominance and submission (D/s) fantasies are quite common among both men and
women. They seem to be gaining in popularity, but theyre even older than the human race, probably flowing
through the erotic minds of our bonobo and chimpanzee cousins. They can be crude or romantic, marvelous or
dangerous. D/s fantasies may involve sadomasochism (S/M), bondage and discipline (B/D), an imagined abduction,
a fantasy rape, spanking, whipping, tickling, torture, teasing, body worship and a host of other activities that may
or may not entail actual sexual intercourse. In D/s fantasies, being bad whether you are the nasty Dom or the

naughty subfeels really good. Its another trick of the imagination that turns the good status quo on its head in
order to turn you on.
Its easy to understand why people enjoy dominating others. Power is a rush, especially in fantasy. You get to do
whatever you want to the sex object of your dreams. What more could you desire? Many people pursue physical
power over others in real life, often entering political, police or military careers. Others prefer to go on their power
trips in their erotic imagination. Traditionally, domination is considered a male fantasy, probably most popular
among young men who are relatively powerless in real-life society, even though they have testosterone-pumping
energy to spare. But more and more women say they enjoy the fantasy of being dominant, on top, wielding a
whip or even sprouting a penis (okay, Freud was right about some women) or other penetrative weapon, perhaps
wearing a strap-on dildo in real-life sex.
But why do people long to submit? Its certainly not all Stockholm Syndrome. As a therapist, I hear many more
fantasies of submission than dominance, from both men and women. Thats partly because private therapy is
expensive, and the men and women who can afford it tend to be successful professionals who dominate others in
real life. Nature seeks a balance, often finding it through our fantasy life, making otherwise dominant people long to
surrender, to be overwhelmed by someone elses passion and power. In their erotic imaginations, and sometimes in
a real-life role-playing session with a dominatrix, they surrender control for a brief period in their busy, powerpacked day or week. They take a mini vacation from real life stress and the responsibility of being in charge,
perhaps a time trip back into a childhood or adolescence under someone elses control. Since society puts so much
pressure on us to achieveand achieving is hard workdeep in our secret erotic imaginations, many high-achievers
long to surrender.
But theres another, even more pervasive reason many people eroticize submission: guilt. Forced surrender allows
you to do something sexual without it being your fault, absolving you of guilt, at least in fantasy. No one likes to
be raped in real life, of course, but the rape fantasy is extremely popular, as long as its being perpetrated by
someone attractive. Usually, your fantasy rapist is a kind of Perfect Lover, someone you would actually be thrilled
to have sex with in real life. But, in a rape fantasy, you give yourself the additional pleasure of resistance and the
absolution of innocence (its the rapists fault, not yours!). Though, of course, it is your fantasy mind that creates the
rapist and everything he or she does. For obvious reasons, the rape fantasy is most common among sexually
repressed good girls and outwardly conservative men. Its also an ego-boost to the sexually insecure, as it allows
you to feel extremely desirable, so much so that your rapist finds you impossible to resist.
Whether you are being raped, ravished, abducted, tied up, spanked, teased, forced to dress like a slut or led around
on a leash as the slave of a powerful, sexy Master or Mistress, in a submission fantasy, you get to be made to do or
get what you secretly desire. So a foot fetishist will be made to worship feet, the nipple masochist forced to
suffer extra painful nipple clamps and the panty lover ordered to put on the mistress knickers.
Dominant/submissive scenarios may involve master/slave, goddess/supplicant, rapist/victim, boss/employee,
teacher/student, parent/child, john/hooker, doctor/patient or guard/prisoner.
Men and women probably fantasize with equal passion about sexual surrender. But its still more socially
acceptable for women (even feminist women) than it is for men, so men more often combine feelings of humiliation
with submission. Politically incorrect as it may be, often male submission fantasies involve being dressed up in
traditional, sensuous or slutty womens clothes and called derogatory female names. This may or may not overlap
with cross-dressing or transgender fantasies.
Keep in mind that some people have transgender fantasies that are not at all submissive; they really do feel that they
were born into the body of the wrong gender, and their fantasies are sometimes a prelude to becoming the
opposite sex in real-life through hormones, surgery and lifestyle changes. But very often, male transvestite fantasies
arent about really wanting to be a woman; theyre about submission in the form of erotic degradation.
I could go on and on about the many different types of sexual surrender and submission that people enjoy. In love
as opposed to war, politics or business, where surrender conjures images of defeat and shamesurrender can be

sweet and the ultimate, intimate fulfillment. The ancient Taoist masters said, In yielding, there is strength. In
surrender, there can be powercertainly sexual fantasy power.
Exhibitionism and Voyeurism
Another common fantasy combo is seeing and being seen, showing off and watching the show, exhibitionism and
voyeurism. Its not all visual; you can be an audio-voyeur who enjoys hearing someone talk dirty, and you can be
an aural exhibitionist who gets off on telling your sex secrets to the world. But most exhibitionism and voyeurism is
about the joy of the erotic gaze and the thrill of being gazed upon, breaking through the strong social taboo of visual
privacy.
The entire porn industry is based on peoples voyeuristic desires to see otherwise forbidden images of other people
engaged in sex. We love to watch. There are obviously enough people who love to be watched that there are plenty
of porn stars and strippers. Those are extreme professions to be in, but in fantasy you can do it all and bare it all
before thousands or in forbidden places. Marilyn Monroe is said to have had recurring dreams in which she stripped
off all her clothes in a church as a stunned congregation silently worshipped her naked beauty.
With the advent of reality shows, erotic blogs and obsessive, sexy photo-posting on social networking communities,
exhibitionism and voyeurism are busting through the erotic theater of the mind and into that half-way house between
fantasy and reality: the media. More and more, natural exhibitionists are just making and posting their own porn,
turning everyone on their friend list into voyeurs.
In our society, we tend to think of exhibitionism as female and voyeurism as male. After all, due to the hot politics
of cold cash, most strip clubs have female performers for male customers and the great majority of straight sex
magazines and websites have pictures of women for men to admire. You can post anything on the Internet but, still,
women tend to be the ones who get paid for sex as a stripper, prostitute, porn star, mistress or other sexual
performer. Whether this shows that women are dominantmaking money doing what they already enjoy as they call
their own shotsor submissiveallowing themselves to be exploited and made to do things they dont like for the
sake of moneydepends on the woman. Likewise, whether paying for it shows that men are dominantwealthy
and powerful enough to pay and get what they wantor submissiveforced to pay because thats the only way theyll
get what they needdepends on the man.
Most people would say the He-Pays-To-Watch-Her scenario is the natural relationship between male and female, but
is it? In nature, its usually the male of the species thats the exhibitionist, the classic example being the peacock.
His sex drive programs him to strut his sexual stuff for the female who watches him voyeuristically and quite
critically, deciding whether hed make a good sex partner based largely on the beauty of his tail. Since there arent
too many opportunities for men to sexually display themselves for women in our society, many men secretly
fantasize about exhibitionism. They desperately want to show themselves off, with special emphasis on their taboo
penises that are so forbidden everywhere except hardcore porn. In fact, theres a fetish that is gaining in popularity
on the Internet known by its initials CFNM: Clothed Female, Naked Male.
Animals and Angels
Your wild erotic nature may emerge in animal fantasies. Dont worry, having animal sex fantasies doesnt (usually)
mean you want to have sex with animals in real life. You may just revel in the ultra-taboo, bestial wildness. Horses
and dogs figure commonly in mens bestiality fantasies which usually involve them submissively receiving sex from
the animal or voyeuristically watching a woman engaged in sex with the animal. Female fantasies tend to involve
the woman being the animal, often something in the wild pussy family, such as a lioness, tiger or cheetah. No
wonder wildcat patterns are so popular in womens fashion.
Of course, real-life bestiality is appalling to most people. But animal sex fantasies connect you to your animal
nature, often freeing your mind from the all-too-human sexual oppression that lurks within you.

On the other end of the sexual fantasy spectrum lies the spiritual. Sacred sex. You might fantasize about an Eros
angel with wings to take you flying. Dreams of flying are often considered symbols of orgasm. You might imagine
a divine threesome with you, your lawfully wedded spouse and the all-embracing presence of God or the Goddess.
Your sacred sex fantasies might be influenced by a religious upbringing, the Bible, the Koran, the Tao Te Ching or
other spiritual teachings that elevate the sex act to something heavenly, such that you might imagine your sexual
union as a cosmic merger of two souls becoming one. Religious people dont tend to characterize their ideas about
spiritual union as fantasies, but if the holy robe fits, wear it. Fantasies of sex with space aliens and superheroes go
into the angel category, though some might be a bit more animal.
These are the most basic types of secret sexual fantasies. There are many more variations, and Id love to hear some
of yours. But first lets answer a few fundamental questions about sexual fantasy, where it comes from and where it
can take you.
Where Do Fantasies Come From?
Your fantasies begin in the cradle, perhaps even in the womb. By the time you reach your teens, they get really
intense. Many of your erotic fantasies stem from early memories, the first images you find arousing. If for no other
reason than constant proximity, these images often come through interactions with family: your mothers lingerie
hanging on the clothesline, your father spanking you, catching your sister naked in the bathroom, your brother
wrestling you to the ground. Thats one reason why incest fantasies of all kinds are so common. But dont worry;
just having incest fantasies doesnt mean youve ever really had incest or ever will.
Its true that real-life incest victims and perpetrators tend to be preoccupied by such imagery, often arising from
traumatic memories. But most people who have incest fantasies have never acted on them. Oedipus complex,
anyone? Freud may have been off on penis envy, but he was right on the money shot when he theorized that
Oedipus and Electra, Mommy and Daddy complexes, and other types of terribly taboo incest fantasies permeate the
secret spaces of many of our erotic minds.
Of course, the family is not the only source of secret sexual fantasy. You might pick up images from friends,
neighbors and school experiences, as well as from your favorite fairy tales, movies, TV shows and popular music,
not to mention Internet porn. These early images are very powerful, because they impress themselves upon you
when youre very impressionable. They become blueprints for your desire, repeating themselves in your memories
and activating your imagination, infusing your natural sexuality with meaning and excitement. They alternately
confuse, excite, please, comfort and torment you. And they become secret sexual fantasies.
Your erotic fantasies might be influenced by aspects of your early years that arent so obviously sexual. We human
beings are masters at finding silver linings in black clouds, and we often do this through the magic of sexual
fantasy. For instance, if you were very sick as a child and confined to bed, you might go on to fantasize about
bondage or sensory deprivation. If you were abused or bullied when you were small, then later in life you might
turn being bullied into something pleasurable and fantasize about erotic submission or humiliation. On the other
hand, your fantasy mind might rather turn the tables on reality and eroticize domination. Your sexual fantasies are
keys that unlock the doors of your repressed personal history. They can help you to cope with your real-life
problems, just as your dreams do. But they tend to do it when youre awake.
What Are Fantasies Good For?
Sexual fantasies can be keys that unlock the doors of your repressed personal history. They can help you to cope
with your real-life problems, just as your dreams do, though they tend to do it when youre awake. They can help
you work through past trauma or abuse, operating like an erotic painkiller on negative, hurtful memories. Of course,
that can lead to other problems, such as wanting to act out the fantasy and perpetrate the abuse that you experienced
onto someone else. But it doesnt have to. Sexual fantasies and erotic dreams, especially when accompanied by
orgasm and perspective (not necessarily in that order), can help to release the stress and trauma of the past. They
can also help you relive good sexual memories. You appreciate this benefit of fantasy more as you get older. And

no, you dont have to act out anything in real life; you can keep your secret sexual fantasies and memories locked up
in your mind for safekeeping.
But fantasies arent just about the past. They can also prepare you for the future. Fantasies can be hazy or detailed
rehearsals in the erotic theater of the mind for sexual acts you havent yet experienced. Thats probably a pretty
common use of fantasy at Yale, or on any college campus. Just as athletes imagine playing and winning the Big
Game before it actually happens, so you might imagine seducing or being seduced by your Perfect Lover before the
Big Dateor the Big Hook-Up. Some Casanovas and Cleopatras combine fantasy with strategy to entice any partner
they desire. This is part of the Mystery method that Matador represented at Sex Week at Yale in 2008. If you can
dream it, you can do it.
On the other hand, your secret sexual fantasies can trip you up. Fantasies can be very perverse, enhancing your
insecurity, even as they arouse your passions. If you tend to fantasize about being humiliated by people you desire,
then you might have a hard timeso to speakpsyching yourself up in a positive way for a date with someone youd
like to impress.
Understandably, people often would like to get rid of troublesome fantasies. Maybe they fantasize about being
embarrassed when theyd like to be confident, or having gay sex when theyd like to be straight, or doing their
partners sister when theyd like to focus on their partner. But deleting a secret sexual fantasy from your mental
hard drive is much easier said than done. In fact, it really cant be done. Very often, the harder you try to banish a
bad fantasy from your head, the more insidiously it will wrap itself around your every thought and feeling. You
simply cant control your fantasies, at least no better than you can control your dreams.
But your fantasies dont have to control you either. Just because you imagine doing some crazy, kinky thing doesnt
mean you have to do it. You cant control what you imagine. But you can, more or less, control what you do in real
life. So dont make like the Thought Police and bust yourself for your fantasies! Hold yourself accountable for your
actions, not your thoughts. Your favorite, secret, sexual fantasy is a gift you cant return, though sometimes, with
time, it fades.
To Share or Not to Share?
Make friends with your fantasies. Dont vainly attempt to control them, and maybe they wont take control of you.
Then you can use them as safe outlets for dark, naughty or forbidden desires that you cant, or wouldnt, want to live
outperhaps because you know that doing so would hurt you or someone you love. For some people, fantasies are
great mental sex toys, interactive mind-movies, playgrounds for the libido. We grow up playing as children, but
gradually all our games become serious and theres very little playtime left in our adult lives. The erotic theater of
the mind is a place for you to play. Do try to play safe, though thats not always as simple as it sounds.
What about sharing? Opening up about otherwise secret sexual fantasies with your partner can make lovemaking
more exciting. Sharing fantasies isnt usually necessary when you first have sex together. So much is new in reality,
your mind doesnt have to go much farther than the present moment for stimulation. But after a while, when youre
in a long-term relationship, you get to know each others bodies so well that your mind is bound to driftinto
fantasy. After all, there are only so many physical positions into which you can bend your bodies, but there is an
endless array of mind-games you can play, or role-play. On the other hand, your secret sexual fantasy could hurt,
anger, scare or disgust your lover. One persons fantasy is anothers nightmare.
So, to share or not to share? It really depends on you, your partner and the fantasy. In other words: proceed with
caution. Take baby steps
If youve never shared a fantasy with your lover, and youd like to try, start by sharing a memory, a thrilling erotic
experience you actually had together. Reminisce about it in bed, then embellish the memory by imagining
something that could have made the experience even more exciting. You can also stimulate the sharing of fantasies
by reading or looking at erotica together. Be poetic, be explicit, be romantic, be outrageous, be honest, but be

sensitive. Try tossing out small parts of your secret fantasies like test balloons; if it floats, keep embellishing; if you
can see it sinking by your partners negative reaction, switch gears.
Its risky business, but nothing great in life comes without taking a chance. If you can share your fantasies with
your lover, you can get to know each other deeply, weaving powerful strands of feeling into the fabric of your
relationship, blending fantasies with memories and ever-expanding possibilities.