WHATS HOLDING YOU BACK?

Thirty Days to Having the Courage and Confidence to Do

What You Want, Meet Whom You Want to Meet, and Go
Where You Want
Author: Sam Horn
Publisher: St. Martins Griffin
Date of Publication: 1997
ISBN: 0-312-25440-7
No. of Pages: 335 pages

About the Author

Sam Horn
Sam Horn has had the opportunity to
speak to more than a half million people in
more than 35 states since 1981. Her
keynotes, training workshops, and
conference presentations consistently
receive excellent evaluations for being full
of fun, real-life ideas participants are
motivated to use immediately at work, at
home, and in their community. She was
the top-rated speaker at both the 1996 and
1998 International Platform Association
conventions in Washington DC, and won
the 2003-2004 Outstanding Capital
Speaker Award.

Wisdom in a Nutshell
Do you feel awkward walking into a room filled with strangers? Are you
uncomfortable about going to new places alone? Are you painfully selfconscious and do you wish for more confidence?
According to bestselling author Sam Horn, people are not born confident.
Rather, confidence is a skill that anyone can attain. What's Holding You
Back? is a simple and yet powerful self-help book that teaches readers how
to unleash their full potential.

Sam's four books from St. Martin's Press

have received critical acclaim from
Investors Business Daily, Publishers'
Weekly, Chicago Tribune, Readers
Digest, and Washington Post, and have
been published in more than twenty
countries including China, Japan, France,
Canada, Israel, and Germany. Foreign
Service Journal said, "If you use the
strategies outlined by Horn, it will change
your attitude, the attitude of others, and
the way others treat you."
For more information look up at,
http://www.samhorn.com.
Published by BestSummaries, Building 3005 Unit 258, 4440 NW 73rd Ave, Miami, Florida 33166
2003 BestSummaries All rights reserved.
No part of this summary may be reproduced or transmitted
in any form or by any means, electronic, photocopying, or otherwise, without prior notice of BestSummaries.com

Whats Holding You Back? By Sam Horn

Part 1 - How'd I Get So Messed Up,

Anyway?
Day 1: Understanding the Six Cs of
Confidence
The first step that you must undertake to possess
confidence is to understand the six factors that can
create or hinder it. The six factors are:
1. Communication skills. The strength of your
relationships may be directly proportional to
your ability to communicate with others. If
you are unable to say what you want or
articulate what you feel, this may prove to be
a great liability.
2. Concept. Do you like yourself? If your
answer is no, then you are probably not selfconfident. After all, you are only truly
confident when you believe in your selfworth.
3. Competence. Being good doing a certain
job, sport or talent will give you an
opportunity to excel and thus, boost your
confidence.
4. Contribution. You want to make a difference
in this world. It is just not enough to make
money and to have fun. You need to matter.
You need to know that somehow you have
made the world a better place.
5. Control. Take charge of your life. If you are
merely forcing yourself to do things because
you have to, rather than because you want
to, you will find it difficult to like yourself and
the life you live.
6. Courage. It is normal to feel anxious
whenever you take risks. What is important
is that you must refuse to give in to your
fears. Have the courage to do what is right
for you.

Part 2 - Communication: The Keys to

Connecting
Day 2: Don't Wait, Initiate
To attain the right level of self-confidence, you must
learn how to communicate effectively with other
people. Remember that relationship-building is a

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very important skill you must learn.

Here are some tips you can use:

Approach people positively. Always use the

Give it a Chance mentality whenever you go
to parties or gatherings you wish you didn't
have to attend; or meet new people you are
not really interested in.
Do not allow fear to stop you from doing what
you should be doing.
Do not be afraid to take the initiative.
Speak Up.
Sometimes, you lose the
opportunity to meet new people and potential
friends because you are waiting for them to
make the first move.

Always approach people

positively.
Day 3: SMILE to Form Favorable First
Impressions
First impressions matter. In fact, they matter A LOT.
Unfortunately, a lot of people are uncomfortable at the
thought of meeting others for the very first time. There
are actions you can do, however, that can guarantee a
good impression almost immediately.
S = Smile
Have you ever noticed that you often smile back
whenever another person smiles at you? Consider
that the next time you give a speech, a presentation, or
even if you are just meeting someone for the first time.
M = Make the Shake
How important is a handshake?
Consider the
following:
1. A handshake eliminates awkwardness.
2. A handshake connects people.
3. A handshake with eye-contact shows
sincerity.
4. A handshake forces us to reach out to other
people.

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I = Intriguing Introduction
The next time you introduce yourself, use words that
reveal more of yourself to others. Remember that if
you do not show interest in what you do and who you
are, others would probably not show interest to you.

Wouldn't it be more interesting to say, I'm a full-time

mom instead of I'm a housewife?
L = Learn the Name
Use the following four steps to remember the names
of the people you've just met:
1. Commit. Make a deliberate decision to
remember a person's name.
2. Concentrate. During the first few seconds of
initial introduction, ignore other distractions
and focus your attention on the other
person.
3. Attention on the face. Study the other
person's face.
4. Numerous repetitions. Repeat the name
aloud upon introduction and silently repeat
it to yourself three times or more.
E = Eye Contact
They say that the eyes are the heart of the soul.
Even if you are shy, try to look into other people's
eyes to show your sincerity. Your words may

Day 5: Cure Self-Consciousness

Sometimes, even if you use the above tips, you can't
help but still feel a little self-conscious. These will
help you lose your shyness and switch
consciousness:

Without eye contact,

your words may seem meaningless.

become meaningless if the other person sees that

you avoid eye contact.
Day 4: Converse with Comfort
Here are some tips you can utilize in order to
become a good conversationalist:

Show interest in the person you are

conversing with.
If you are unsure of what to say, ask the
other person a question.
Ask open-ended questions that seek to
reveal feelings and not just facts.
Seek the other person's opinion.

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Use the words Tell Me

Use Cues and Ws.
o Cues are key words that a person just
used. If a person said, I just got back
from China, China is the key word.
o Follow-up with the Ws. What did you do
in China?; When did you get back from
China?
Close conversations courteously.

Use the 4 Ls when you are engaged in a

conversation:
o Look at people's faces.
o Lean forward.
o Lift your eyebrows.
o Listen with your head cocked to one side.
Remember that one of the best ways to
impress people is by merely listening to them.
Be fair and allow other people the opportunity
to speak.
Orchestrate interesting and useful
discussion.
Put others at ease.

Day 6: Go Solo
There are advantages when you choose to go solo.
When you are by yourself, you are free to do what you
want without having to put other people into
consideration. Still, going solo is a frightening idea for
some. Here are some tips you can use to feel
confident when you are on your own:
Don't allow your fear to stop you from going
alone.
Once you're there, request or offer
assistance.
If you are in a party on your own where
everyone seems to know each other, use the
four-step process:
1. Look for a group that is not gathered in a
tight circle.
2. Walk over to the group and stand an arm's
distance away. Slightly lean in with your head

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cocked to one side. Follow the

conversation with your eyes.
3. If any person in the group looks at you,
say the following words: Okay if I listen
in? The group will part and make
space for you to join them.
4. D o n o t j o i n t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n
immediately. Listen to what everyone
says and throw in some conversation
pieces once in a while until you gain
acceptance.
Remember that solitude can be a good
thing and be content with it.

community.
3. Be Uncommonly Courteous. Write thank-you
cards to people who have contributed their
time, energy, and thoughts to your cause.
Not only will it keep you connected, it will give
a favourable impression.
4. Give for the Giving. Give without expecting
anything in return.

Part 3 - Concept: It's All in Your Head

Day 7: Make and Keep Friends

To live a fulfilled live, you need friends and family.
Unfortunately, due to chaotic and changing
environment you live in, it is not surprising that
friends are lost along the way.
It is important that you find time to bring back friends
and to make new ones. Rather than considering
time spent with your friends as time wasted,
consider the time you will spend with your friends as
a brief moment of respite from this crazy world.
If you're new in town with no friends, seek people
with similar interests. Or better yet, find other
people who are new as well and are going through
the same thing. Seek out support groups.

Day 8: Catapult Your Career with

SOCIALSAVVY
Sometimes, even the most hardworking and most
talented people get passed over for promotions or
other forms of recognition at work. You must
remember that it not enough that we do our jobs.
You have to ensure that other people see that you
are doing your job well. Use these three steps:
1. Cultivate a Mentor. Find a sponsor. Look
for someone you admire who is ahead in his
or her career. Gain the favor of the person
who controls your career.
2. Become a Visibility Virtuoso. It is not
enough that you do your job, you must get
the people in power to notice you. Grab
opportunities where upper management
can see you in action. Join organizations
for bigger visibility in the business

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Instead of wallowing in the past,

use it as an incentive.

Day 9: Put the Past in the Past

Whether you had a good childhood or not; a good
authority figure or none at all; you must stop living in
the past. However, this is not an easy thing to do. If
you were not treated with value when you were
younger, it might be hard to believe that you have
value now.
Here are some tips you can use to put the past in the
past:

Stop blaming others. Remember, you are

now responsible for whatever that is going on
in your life.
Stop carrying grudges.
Learn to forgive yourself over past actions
and mistakes.
Instead of wallowing in the past, use it as an
incentive.

Day 10: Spring Free from the Comparison

Trap
When you start comparing yourself to others, you risk
being unhappy. Remember that your self-worth does

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not depend on other people. Instead of feeling

superiority or inferiority, we should instead admire
others and aspire to succeed in the same way they
did.

Once in a while, something you've been looking

forward to might turn out to be a disappointment.
When that happens, look at the bright side of things.
If you committed a serious mistake, consider it an
opportunity for improvement.

Instead of being insecure when someone is doing

better than you are, pay him or her silent
compliments. Learn to appreciate other people's
achievements instead of envying them. Stop
thinking that you have to be better than everybody
else. Instead, respect other people and their efforts.

By doing so, you are boosting your self-confidence by

not kicking yourself for committing errors. You
eliminate unnecessary fear and anxiety. Applaud
your victories and look at mistakes as merely bumps
on your way to progress.

Day 11: Who Do You Think You Are?

Day 13: Who Cares What People Think (I Do, I

Do)

How do you feel about yourself? If you don't think

you are much to begin with, then you have
problems.

Learn to give yourself the credit you

deserve.

When you rely on other people's approval, you are

placing your self-confidence in the hands of others.
Your self-esteem will go up peaks and valleys
depending on how other people view you at the
moment.

Learn to appreciate
other peoples achievements
instead of envying them.

Still, this does not mean that we should not listen to

other people's opinions because they may very well
be right. The best way to balance this is to come up
with a cons and pros list.

Refrain from making negative comments to

yourself, about yourself. Instead, think
positive statements.
Don't dwell on your mistakes. Instead,
dwell on your achievements and positive
qualities.
Count your blessings.
Establish reasonable expectations. Don't
set goals that are impossible to achieve.

Day 12: Set Up a Success Spiral

The next time something goes really wrong, do not
blow your top at yourself or the people around.
Instead, take a step back and plan how you can
handle the situation better the next time around.
Instead of pointing fingers or wallowing in the
problem, look for solutions.

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The truth is, you do care about what other people

think - even when you say you don't. The problem
begins when we base our opinion on ourselves on
how other people think of us. Wanting approval is not
bad. Needing approval, on the other hand, affects us
negatively.

Part 4 - Competence: What Are You

Capable Of?
Day 14: Tap into Your Talents
What are you good at? If you find that you are unable
to answer that question, you are not giving yourself
enough credit. Look within yourself. You might be
doing something at a regular basis without realizing
that you it is a specialized skill.
Find a hobby. You might have even abandoned a
certain activity you loved doing because other people
thought you were wasting your time. Remember that
unutilized talents are worthless.

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When you have figured out what you want to do,
become a master. Mastering a skill is not as hard as
it sounds.
With continued attention and
perseverance, you can only keep getting better.

Day 15: Play of the Day

Do not underestimate the power of fun. Make time
for your hobbies and take the time to relax. You
might ask what fun has to do with confidence.
Remember that whenever you live a fun and fulfilled
life, you increase your self-esteem.
Take 15 minutes of every day to recreate yourself.
Slow down and remember that sometimes less is
more. Why build yourself a gigantic money-making
enterprise when you wouldn't have the time to enjoy
the fruits of your labor anyway?

Day 16: Help Others Create Confidence

A lot of the people around you suffer from lack of self
confidence. You might be tempted to help them, but
sometimes, helping others who suffer from lack of
self-esteem might make it worse. Remember that
doing something for someone may rob them even
more of the confidence they need.
However, this does not mean you should stop
offering assistance. Instead of helping people in
need, help them help themselves. Instead of doing
the task for them, guide them while they do their job.
You must also learn to express encourage. Show
the people around you that you have confidence in
their abilities and strengths. Help them realize that
they have a valid place in this world and that they are
needed.

Part 5 - Contribution: Make Your Life

Matter
Day 17: Leave a Legacy with the Four Es
It is only when you start making a contribution to this
world that you really live. Instead of seeking the
good life, seek a good life. You might have all the
material and superficial things in the world; but if you
are empty within, it wouldn't matter.

Find something you care about to which you can

contribute. Live a life where you can serve. Give
back to the community and reap life's rewards.
Consider that sometimes internal wealth is more
important than external wealth. All the money in the
world can not buy true self worth.
Consider the four Es of Influence and try to strengthen
other people and your community through them:
1.
2.
3.
4.

Day 18: Set an Example

How do other people see you? Do they see you as a
good example or the other way around? It is important
that you are seen as a person with integrity and good
character.
Sometimes, even the simplest actions of integrity can
be considered heroic acts by others. What you must
remember is that you should do your best to do what
is morally good. To sum it up, always try to do what is
right. After all, you can't expect to have a high regard
for ourselves if you know you are setting the wrong
example for everyone to follow.
Confidence is doing the right thing even when no one
is watching. If you can do the right thing even if others
are not, it only means that you have the courage to do
what is good.

Day 19: Be an Encourager

An encouraging word or statement can do wonders.
The truth is, everyone in this world can do better with
just a little bit more praise. Everyone seeks to be
recognized for a job well done. Remember that the
more kindly you treat others, the higher your selfesteem will be.
Here are some ways you can
encourage others:

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Example
Encouragement
Excellence
Education

Give gratitude. Be appreciative of the efforts

of others.
Be a blessing to someone by providing
gracious compliments.
Always say Thank You when someone
gives you a compliment.
Believe in others and tell them about it.

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Day 20: Stand for Excellence

Day 22: Look for Some Body to Love

Do you remember a certain authority figure in the

past that pushed you until you performed to your
true potential? Although you might not have liked
him or her then, you are probably more appreciative
now.

Although you might think it's a small thing, how you

view your body greatly affects your self-esteem. Do
you like the way you look? Do you view yourself as
having physical imperfections? Are you in good
health?

It is difficult to motivate people to do things they don't

want to do. Still, it is important that you hold people
accountable for doing the things that should be
done.

What you must realize is that it is impossible to be

confident if you are secretly uncomfortable with your
physical features. To help you with this:

To motivate people, use the seven steps to stop

others from slacking off:
1. Ask yourself, Was the expectation or
standard outlined and agreed to in the
beginning?
2. Ask yourself, Has the expectation or
standard been consistently enforced?
3. If the standard wasn't outlined at the outset
or enforced consistently, admit that it is your
fault.
4. Say, Starting as of ____, and state a
specific target date with a built-in transition
time.
5. Specify measurable, positively phrased
expectation and outline the exact
consequences if she chooses not to
comply.
6. Ask, What is your understanding of our
agreement?
7. Schedule a follow-up appointment.

1.
2.

If you keep allowing people to

step all over you, you will lose
your self-esteem.
know you can't change (i.e. height). Accept
them.
3. Think of the body parts you don't like that you
can change (i.e. pot belly). If it is important
enough to change, then act towards it. If not,
accept them.

Day 23: Say Bye-Bye to Butterflies

Day 21: Serve by Educating

You might have had a teacher or mentor who once
fired up your passion or fed your interest in what
would one day be a fruitful career. One of the best
things you can do is to thank the person today.
Consider becoming an educator yourself. Share
your talents and expertise with others. Pass on your
skills. Nothing is too small to share. Remember,
some of the things you teach might benefit others by
the thousandfold.

It is normal to feel anxious in several situations.

However, it is important that you learn to control
feelings of anxiety because they may affect your
performance. One way to go about this is through the
five-step method to being the picture of confidence:
1.
2.
3.
4.

Part 6 - Control: Who's in Charge?

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Think of your body parts you like and learn to

appreciate them.
Think of the body parts who don't like but you

5.

Conduct a mental dress rehearsal.

Picture the bad stuff and plan how you can
handle your worst nightmare with poise.
Use the drive time to the event wisely. Use
positive phrases.
Create a one- or two-word command to clear
out mental clutter.
Control your thoughts during downtime with
rituals.

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Day 24: Just Do It

To be confident, you must be in control of your life.
You might have fallen into some routine or habit that
you know is not necessarily good for your
professional or personal growth.
If this is the case, do not procrastinate. Opt to
change your life for the better. Remember that if you
succeed in changing one small habit, it will lead to
you changing other habits. You will become more
confident as you are on your way to becoming the
ideal person you want to be.
Stop telling yourself you won't do it. Instead, tell
yourself that you will do it. Think of a habit you've
been trying to change. Proceed and focus on the
outcome. Think of how much changing will change
your life for the better.

Day 25: Know What You Stand For (And

What You Won't Stand For)
Confidence is also about knowing when to stand up
for yourself when you are being wronged. If you
keep allowing people to step all over you, you will
lose your self-esteem.
Sometimes, the people who may be bullying you
might not even know they are doing so. The only
solution to this? You must speak up. If you don't like
what other people are doing to you and yet fail to
make an effort to correct it, you are also at fault.
Here are some tips on how to handle difficult people
without being overly aggressive:
1. Assess the situation objectively.
2. See both sides.
3. Express what you want, not what you don't
want.
4. Remember that the responsibility rests with
you.
5. Take action.

Part 7 - Courage: Go for the Bold

Day 26: Take Life by the Lapel
You have to learn to take responsibility of your life.

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The best way to do is to put your heart and soul into it.
Learn to take advantage of the opportunities you
have. Be optimistic and not pessimistic.
You must also realize that although you can't control
everything that happens in your life, you can control
how you feel about them. Instead of being depressed
whenever something wrong happens, be optimistic
that things will get better and be thankful that you
were given the opportunity to learn.
Appreciate life at its finest. Count your blessings and
you might be surprised at how many things you have
to be thankful for. Remember, the world is a
wonderful place - only if we allow it to be.

Learn to appreciate life at its finest.

Day 27: Face and Erase Your Fears

How often do you allow yourself to be a prisoner of
your own fear? Do you want to leave your 9-5 job and
start your own business but refuse to do so because
you are scared of the financial consequences?
Sometimes, being overly cautious can be bad for you.
You might forever be stuck in your comfort zone and
lose the chance to live a happy and fulfilled life. It's
time to look back at your dreams and consider taking
them one step forward.
Take the leap of faith. Throw your hat over the fence
so you have no choice but to climb the fence even if
you are scared of what may be at the other side. Why
move away from a path of growth?
Of course, it is always best to evaluate risks before
taking them. After all, your fears may actually be
justified. Take the following steps to minimize your
risks:
1.
2.
3.
4.

Research.
Incubate.
Support Group.
Knowledge.

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5. See it as a done deal.

Day 28: Bring in the New

Choose how you want to live. Remember that no
one else should be making this choice for you. If
you are in a rut, consider changing your life anew.
Don't wait for SEEs (significant emotional events) to
happen before you undertake life-changing actions.
Do not waste your time.

All you have to do is to have CONFIDENCE:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

C = Coach your mistakes.

O = Open your heart and mind.
N = Needs in balance. Speak up.
F = Face your fears.
I = Initiate.
D = Dare to dream.
E = Example and Excellence.
N = No comparing.
C = Cultivate friendships.
E = Encourage and educate.

As a busy individual, you might have probably

noticed that your day is often made up of routines.
You need to determine whether these routines are
hindering you from enjoying life. If these routines
don't serve any good purpose, maybe it's about time
you devote your time to something new.
Even if you think that everything is just fine the way it
is, you must still allow yourself the chance to grow.
Confident people seek both security and opportunity
in their lives. Remember that monotony might be
safe, but it is not the best way to live.

Day 29: Dare to Dream

At your age, you might have had dreams that were
shattered along the way. You might be wondering
why your life is not the way you dreamed it should
be. One thing is for sure - it is not too late.
Keep your dreams alive. Look within yourself and
unearth your long-lost dreams. Use the three
questions to help you re-discover what they are:
1. If you only have less than a month to live,
what are the two things you'd want to do?
2. What one thing would you love to achieve in
the next three years?
3. Think back five years ago and ask yourself if
you have made progress since.

Part 7 - From Start to Finish

Day 30: Ready, Set, Grow!
You can have the wonderful life you seek right now.
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