Japanese Dating Culture

Women pray for good relationships or good luck in love during Tanabata, or
the Star festival, at Jishu shrine in Kyoto. Reuters
The point of dating is to get to know someone. The rules of dating, courtship,
vary across cultures. However, the point remains the same. There are a few
key ideas that are identical to dating in Japan and in the United States. These
ideas are good advice for anyone seeking to develop friendships and romantic
relationships:
1. Express interest in the person: genuinely want to learn more about her.
2. Listen to him. Dont just hear.
3. Dont rush the physical. It only hurts relationships.
Physical Intimacy Sex
I will expand on the third point. It is one of the key differences between
Japanese dating customs and American dating customs. Several studies have
found a correlations with the amount of time a couple waits to have sex and
the quality of their relationship. Those couples that wait until marriage report
the highest satisfaction and quality (Willoughby, Carroll, & Busby, 2014):
This study found that the longer a couple waited while dating to become
sexually involved, the better their relationship was after marriage. In fact,
couples who waited until marriage to have sex compared to those who started
having sex early in their relationship reported higher marital satisfaction, better
communication patterns, less consideration of divorce, and better sexual
quality.
This brings me to the key difference between Japanese and American dating.
Physical intimacy, even between professed couples, is a slow process. Kissing,
hand holding, and sex do not come until after kokuhaku (more on this in a bit).
Although there are always exceptions. With many couples, the physical
intimacy part develops slowly (Back to Japan, 2011; Larkin, 2005).
Physical displays of intimacy in public are taboo. This lends to the slow (in
American eyes) development of the physical aspects of dating. In the United
States it is normal to express interest in a person through touch, kissing, hand
holding, etc. This isnt to say you wont see this in Japan too. However, the idea
of uchi-soto weighs heavily on people.
Ucho-soto

Scene from The World Only God Knows

This is a concept that outlines Japanese behavior in public. Japanese society
pressures people to be respectful and considerate of others, even at the
expense of your own needs (Larkin, 2005). This is why PDA (public displays of
affection) are taboo. The Western ideas of honesty and openness are seen as
both attractive and problematic. Because of ucho-soto, many Japanese people
are oblique about expressing their feelings. The concept of amae (behavior that
shows desire to be loved or take care of you: Strowhorn; 2013; Kirai, 2007).
This involves people trying to read each others feelings (Larkin, 2005).
Japanese men tend to be subtle and indirect when approaching women
because of these societal norms. That is, when they approach women at all.
This is one of the differences to consider with Japanese dating rituals. Dating
follows a different course than Western standards. Again, there are exceptions.
First Comes Friends
Before dating there is gokon. These are group blind dates. A group of friends
get together and mingle. This lets each group take stop of each other. The
approval of friends when dating is often important (Back to Japan, 2011). After
several gokon, often between 5 or 6, people pair off for coffee, movies, and
other typical date activities. However, these are generally done in public. The
couple is still not considered dating. They are only feeling each other out
rather than feeling each other up.
Next comes Love

Kokuhaku is the next step for people who are into each other. This is the
dating phase. However, it is a strange practice in Western eyes. One that is
said to make many Westerners uncomfortable (Back to Japan, 2011; Larkin,
2005,
Kokuhaku is the confession of love often seen in anime. I love you is a strong
concept in the West. It is not something we typically tell someone we are only
starting to date. However, in Japan, this is the initiating confession for dating.
The Western habit usually uses the phrase I like you to give wiggle room.
However, in Japanese the three words for love all mean love ( suki,
daisuki, ai shitteru), only with increasing degrees (Back to Japan,
2011). There is no equivalent to I like you.
After kokuhaku, dating follows a more recognizable route: meeting the parents
and private dates. Physical intimacy starts to ramp up. The speed depend on
the couple.
Then Comes Marriage

Marriage rituals vary based upon family expectations. This really isnt much
different from the United States. I will instead focus on the reality of marriage
in Japan: the trends and ideas behind it.
Like many societies, marriage in Japan was arranged for much of its history.
The purpose of marriage was the continuation the family line. Women were
raised to be the good wife, wise mother and sacrifice herself for the good of
family and country (Bardsley, 2004). This, as I mentioned in this article, has
changed in many circles. The traditional gender roles still persist: married
women in Japan feel the household tasks are unfair. Japanese men often do
now share in housework. Because of this view, women who work are often not
seen as contributing to the household. (Kaufman & Taniguchi, 2009).

Artwork found on the Sword Art Online Soundtrack

Unlike the West, Japan never associated virginity with chastity and purity. The
closest idea to the Western virgin was the otome (maiden) who was thought to
be lacking sexual desire in addition to experience. The Western ideas of
virginity in relationship to marriage that is, women should remain virgins for
her husband didnt appear until the 19th century (McLelland, 2010). This isnt
to say it was okay for women to have sex. During the Tokugawa Period, both
men and women could be considered adulterers. Married women, unlike men,
were penalized. Women were property of husbands or fathers. Adultery was a
property dispute that was left to the decision of those involved. Punishment
could be everything from a fine to death (Stanely, A, 2007).
Marriage Trends in Modern Japan
Children are exclusively associated with marriage in Japan. No marriage means
no children, generally. As many know, Japans population is on the decline.
The decline in population is linked to a decline in marriage. Marriage on the the
decline for several reasons.
1. Educated men prefer to marry younger women and women who are less
educated. Educated women do not want to marry less educated men.
The number of educated women are also increasing (Yang & Yen,
2011;Raymo & Iwasawa, 2005).
2. Women dislike the inequality in marriage (Yang & Yen, 2011).
3. Japanese men do not want to marry a women who demands equal
sharing of housework (Yang & Yen, 2011).
Because of these problems there are several trends that are on the rise:
1. Women are marrying much later, when at all ( Hirakawa, 2004).

2. There is an increased interest in international marriage, particularly of

Japanese women marrying Western men (Bardsley, 2004; Hirakawa,
2004).
3. Declining marriage rates equate the decline in population.
Women are experiencing problems with finding suitable Japanese men mostly
because of increases in womens education levels and a dislike of traditional
female roles in marriage. Many Japanese men have yet to change their views.

Modern Marriage