A special edition: 'The Best of Neilbonics'

By popular demand, a column dedicated to Neil Smith's words of wisdom

Posted 1/6/03

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Neil Smiths comments made during his appearances on Channel 5 for their pre- and
postgame shows this past season resulted in a new phenomenon here in the land of OTC
that I dubbed Neilbonics. If Neilbonics were a Broadway show, it would be sold out for
the next year. That is how popular the former Chiefs defensive ends verbiage was to
those who frequently read this column. Here is a heaping helping of some of Neils more
perceptional quotes and my comments as they originally appeared.
I think Dick Vermeil said it best. This team is now jilling toward each other.
Neil Smith, who said jilling not jelling, Channel 5
GH: The funniest new show this fall isnt on any of the networks radar screens, its
Channel 5s postgame show hosted by Leif Lisec and Neil Smith. Smith has his own
brand of Ebonics that is hilarious. Read on for more samples of Neilbonics. You may
need to read some of these twice or more to get the true flavor of Smiths verbal massacre
of logic, fact and language.
Actually this guy (Troy Brown) had a perceptional year today. I think he went 10for-10 or 12-for12. His completion percentage was great. I love the way he was
catching the ball.
Neil Smith, on the Patriots wide receiver, Channel 5
You know why? I think why. This is the reason why. Because I think what New
England did today, they axe-ually they just everything you could probably the reverse
they tried to do all kind of trick plays.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: These are not typos. This is how the former Cornhusker speaks. Theres more
We having very, very much problems right up the center of our defense. Thats a lot
of balls that he do underthrow that he shouldnt. McGloski (Maslowski) picked off
this ball here but McGloski, please, whatever you do, dont let an offensive lineman catch
you! This is great coming out after halftime what Dante Hall do here. For a little guy,
hes very shifty.
Neil Smith, Channel 5

I cant take too much of this there no more as far as them winning these close games.
Neil Smith, after the Chiefs lost 41-38 to the Pats, Channel 5
I gave the (Chiefs) offense a C.
Neil Smith, after the offense scored 38 points at the home of the Super Bowl champs,
Channel 5
GH: Neil is lucky the profs at Nebraska were much easier graders.
There are some changes that have to be made. I think you start on the cornerback
position. You actually have to start with (Eric) Warfield. I think Warfield needs to be put
down before he can really realize exactly whats happening to him.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Does Neil want Warfield to swim with the fishes? Neilbonics is back and as
hilarious as ever. Smith teamed with his perfect straight man, Leif Lisec, on Channel 5s
postgame show to give his own special Chiefs analysis that only Nawlins Neil can give.
Read on for more.
This guy is just tremendously. Hes got a lot of more football left in this season.
Neil Smith, on Priest Holmes, Channel 5
Ill tell you, you cannot have Masnowski (Mike Maslowski) run with Shannon Sharpe.
You just cant do that. Thats like an offensive lineman running with a tight end. We just
have to do a better job of getting those safeties to (Sharpe) and not leaving Maslowsli to
run with Shannon Sharpe for 80 yards.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: This is at least the second and third pronunciation Smith has used for Maslowski
this season. Last month he had him pegged as an Irishman, McGloski.
Heres what I think is going to happen. The coach, Dick Vermeil, is going to overlook
everything and there will be some changes here (on the defense). I think whats going to
happen is that they are going to have to putting some players and benching them.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Nothing I do in this column is more tedious than transcribing Neilbonics verbatim
or more rewarding.
They always come through because they always says what they have to mean.
Neil Smith, on veteran players like Shannon Sharpe coming through in the clutch,
Channel 5
Trevor Pryce uses the chop move (past John Tait). I does that when I was playing
and I think he picked it up.
Neil Smith, while watching video of Pryce blowing past Tait to sacked Green, Channel 5
Rod Smith actually did have a great game but what when he did come back and
redeemed himself early he dropped the football.
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: If your head isnt hurting after reading that one, call Channel 5 and ask them if they
have an opening for a translator.
The Denver defense has been outstanding against players but they havent played
against (Priest Holmes). This guy is inceptional because hes got so many things he can
do to hurt your defense.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Inceptional? Isnt that what got Marty Schottenheimer in trouble?
Only thing he do is he go along the line of scrimmage and no one untouched him.
Neil Smith, on the Broncos Keith Burns blocking a Chiefs punt in overtime, Channel 5
To give up 113 yards you know to the Denver defense but we still lost.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Whats great about this show is that Leif Lisec never even blinks while Smith is
letting these pearls fly. He pretends that Smith is not only making sense but that hes
somehow being insightful. The heck with Everybody Loves Raymond, this show is the
funniest thing on CBS.
I dont know if this is Mixnutchzki or perhaps Glenn Cadrez
Neil Smith, attempting to identify Mike Maslowski, Channel 5
GH: Chalk up pronunciation number four for Maslowskis surname for you Neilbonics
fans out there. I think Neil should just go with calling him the little bald dude.
I think this team is on track to getting to where they want to be at. They having a slight
little problem, but they have to work it out within the home of that Chiefs offense. I tell
you what, if they can do that then they can get it together they can go out and win it.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Good thing Neils on Channel 5 and not Kietzmans radio show or KK would ban
his Neilbonics from the air because hes too difficult to understand.
In Denver, they going to use (the scoreboard) to get the Broncos fired up. They going to
actually pronounce the scores (of other games) and what quarter it is so they will know
today (if the Raiders and Chargers win or lose).
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Yes, Neils back and in late-season form. Read on and feel free to pronounce your
Neilbonics out loud.
Everything knows that you have to score pernts (points) in order to win the ball game.
If the Chiefs can score 30 or more pernts, they can win this ball game.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
I think (Trevor Pryce) was simply saying that we have what it takes in this room to get
it done. But then if one thing lead to another, then when the media take something and
run away from it, then the coaches have to step up and say, You know, I did it.
Neil Smith, referring to Pryces controversial quote from earlier this week where he said

the Broncos are the most talented team in the NFL, Channel 5
GH: Hey, I just type em up. I dont translate em too. I dont think even Neil knew what
the hell he was trying to say here.
Ive never known Mike Shanahan to leach out at a player.
Neil Smith, when asked about Shanahans angry response to Prices above comment,
Channel 5
I think it does effect you when you there. I was there for two years and it took me about
that long to get aptitude to it.
Neil Smith, when asked if the altitude in Denver bothers the players, Channel 5
GH: Ive been listening to Neil since his freshman year at Nebraska and I have yet to get
aptitude to it.
I think both of these teams respectively give each other respect. And thats why its
become that real, real crucial of a rivalry. What Chiefs teams gonna to show up is going
to bow down to whats going to happen today. They have to show up today and play
some solid football. If not they will be right back where we was again flat if they dont
get this win.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Can you imagine the conversations Neil and Gunther must have had back in the
90s? Ill bet they had to both wear those United Nations headsets while somebody
translated for them.
Clearly, no one untouched and youre not going to out footrace Dante Hall when hes in
first gearor second gear.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Im guessing Neil drives an automatic.
No one havent got around (Priest Holmes) yet to stop him.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
Well, what it it did, is the Chiefs actually brought eight in the box. So they actually
have more than they need. As you see, McNowski (Mike Maslowski) right here takes the
inside charge and beats his guy to the snap.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Ahhh, the Irish lad McNowski is back among us wee folk.
They moved the (Broncos) stadium over from the parking lot and thats kinda like the
mystique ground is not there no more.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: Im guessing whoever got stuck paying that moving bill is still hurting for cash.
They dont care who you are. If you dont be on the plane at a certain time when you
supposed to, they will leave you on the dot. And you will have to find your way to Seattle
to try to get a plane that day to beat us to get to the play on tomorrow.

Neil Smith, trying to explain how much emphasis Marty Schottenheimer places on his
players in regard to promptness, Channel 5
GH: I reread this quote three times and finally came to the conclusion that you best have
your ass on that plane on time, because I believe the alternative actions he described
may necessitate finding a time machine.
I think anytime you have a guy thats been out for the second time hes been out and he
gets the second-string guy gets a second opportunity, I think this is his time to shine.
Neil Smith, when asked how he thought Mike Cloud would fair in the San Diego game,
Channel 5
GH: Feel free to adjust the punctuation any way you desire. Its still Neilbonics to me.
I think the biggest responsibility is when you lose Tony Richardson. Hes pretty much
the focus of the running game. I think that was a big, big hurt.
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: A few teams have actually thought that Priest Holmes was the focus of the Chiefs
running game.
Rob Smith does a great job of keeping both feet inbounds here after the play was
resumed.
Neil Smith, reviewing video of the Chiefs loss to Denver, Channel 5
GH: When was the play stopped?
Derrick Thomas has a little problem being late for the airport
Neil Smith, Channel 5
GH: This might be the understatement of the decade.