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Embarrassing

AQuack's Guide To Embarrassing Illnesses

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It can be embarrassing enough seeking treatment for socially

awkward illnesses in the 21st century when we are blessed with
advanced medical knowledge and professional healthcare, but in
bygone times when expert advice was either too expensiw or
simply unavailable, DIV home remedies were often the only option.
Dangerous and Ineffective
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A ()Jack's GJide To
Embarrassing Illnesses

Until more recent times, the lack of medical regulation meant that so
called "quack" phidans could patent all manner of loonyremedies
for a whole spectrum of disorders with little or no medical ev1dence to
back up their claims.At best these cures were ineffective; at worst they
were downright dangerous and, in the cases of the quack remedies
listed below, manywere simplybonkers.
So, prepare urself for a whistle-stop tour of some of the barmiest
cures we could find in our attempt to get to the bottom (and indeed
sometimes up the bottom) of what it was like to treat some seriously
unfortunate conditions using some rather questionable methods.
Munching on Worms
Take obesityfor instance. This growing problem in modern Britain is
combatted today through a combination of healthyeating and exercise,
or in extreme cases, surgery. Either way, the results take some effort
and motivation on behalf of the afflicted. Surely there must be an
easier way?
Well in the 1930s a mirade arri\,ed in the
form of a diet that promised to help
overweight ladies shed excess pounds
using a veryspedal dietarysupplement.
Wlat was this wonder ingredient? Live
tapeworms.

the.Alkins diet.

That's right, the conscientious slimmer

in the 1930s would wilfullyingest a
thriv1ng colonyof ''friends for a fair form"
in order to keep her figure svelte and her
man happy. Thank god for feminism and

But whilst munching on worms is certainlyan unpleasant prospect,

things can get a whole lot dodgier when u shift focus to the other end

of the alimentarycanal and tackle the subject of piles. Md our next

miracle cure for haemorrhoids is guaranteed to make )OUr es water.

Stimulate the Vital Spot

The wondrous 'Recto Rotor' from 1930 was billed as 'The latest and
most efficient invention for the quick relief of piles, constipation and
prostate troubles". Unfortunatelythis 'medical' de\1ce would ha\e
looked more at home in a branch of Mn Summers than it would down
)OUr local Boots pharmacy.
Sixinches long and resembling a cross between Blackpool Tower and
an e,ocet missile, the Recto Rotor was to be inserted gentlyinto the
anus to relie\e and stimulate the 'vital spot'. Given that it also vibrated
and had a built-in self lubricating mechanism, )OU could be forgi\en for
thinking that the purpose of this little beautywasn't strictlymedical at
all.Md to this the fact that it was advertised as being "Large enough to
be efficient Small enough for anyone over 15 years old" and I think
)OU'II agree that this product is heading into some \erydark territory
indeed (and I don't mean )Our colon).

Wonder Cure
Mnd )OU, a bellyfull of parasites and a
"10lated anus seem like attracti\e
options when compared to the fate of
the poor saps who tried to treat their
health problems in the 1920s. Here in
an age of jazz, prosperityand post-war
optimism a brand new miracle drug
was all the rage: radium.
Endorsed byhealth gurus e\erywhere
(including a certain Frank Kellogg,
in\entor of the cornflake) radium was
hailed as a wonder cure for illnesses as diverse as cancer,
constipation, eczema, arthritis, high blood pressure and piles. From
irradiated water coolers to atomic topical treatments, the quacks could
hardlyproduce enough of the stuff to meet demand.
Then people started dy1ng.
In one well known case a Pittsburg steel tycoon named Eben Bers
became so seriouslyill after extensivelyimbibing a popular vitality.
boosting radium tonic that he had to ha\e his mouth and jaw remo\ed
in surgery. He died shortlyafter and his storymade the front page of
the New York Times, effecti\elyending the radium craze.

Restoring Sexual Virility

Byfar the most fertile ground for the opportunistic quack has to be the
realm of male sexual dy.:;function, as an)One with an email account full
of unsolicited spam for impotence drugs can attest to. But at least we
can credit the medical fraudsters of the past for showing a little more
in\enti\eness in their dodgydealings than merelypeddling knock-off
\.1agra.
Take the case of 'Doctor' John
Romulus Brinkley, a bogus phy.:;idan
so unpleasant he'd make \.1ctor
Frankenstein feel queasy. Brinkley, a
man of questionable medical
training, pioneered a brand new form
of treatmentfor restoring sexual "1rility
in patients: goat glands.
Basing his disco\eryon the flimsy
fact that goats tend to be a bit on the
randyside, Brinkleyhad the bright
idea of surgicallyimplanting goat testicles into the scrotal sacks and
abdomens of male and female patients suffering from sexual
dy.:;function.
fas Brinkleyoperated in less-than-sterile conditions and often did so
whilst intoxicated with booze, it comes as no surprise that se\eral of
his patients died from infections. \J\Jhat is surprising is that, with more
than 16,000 people undergoing this bizarre treatment during Brinkleys
career, the death toll wasn't higher.

Suddenly the NHS doesn't seem so bad, does it?