A Cerridwen Press Publication

www.cerridwenpress.com

Lost in Suburbia
ISBN #1-4199-0608-9
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Lost in Suburbia Copyright 2006 Elisa Adams
Edited by Martha Punches.
Cover art by Syneca.
Electronic book Publication: April 2006

With the exception of quotes used in reviews, this book may not be reproduced or used in whole or in
part by any means existing without written permission from the publisher, Cerridwen Press, 1056 Home
Avenue, Akron, OH 44310-3502.
This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales
is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the authors imagination and used fictitiously.
Cerridwen Press is an imprint of Elloras Cave Publishing, Inc.

LOST IN SUBURBIA
Elisa Adams

Trademarks Acknowledgement
The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of the
following wordmarks mentioned in this work of fiction:
Ben and Jerrys: Ben and Jerrys Homemade Holdings, Inc.
Chia Pet: Joseph Enterprises, Inc.
Fear Factor: Endemol Netherlands B.V.
Freddy Krueger: New Line Productions, Inc.
Obsession: Calvin Klein Cosmetic Corporation
Old Navy: Old Navy (Apparel) Inc.
Pine-Sol: Clorox Company
Prada: Prada S.A.

Lost in Suburbia

Chapter One
Have you ever had one of those Oh Crap moments? You know, the ones where you
realize you've done something incredibly stupid, but it's too late to take it back?
My life had turned into one big, huge Oh Crap moment.
In hindsight, I had to admit slashing Jeremys tires might have been overkill. If I
hadnt let my impulsive naturethe one Id tried since early childhood to pretend
didnt existtake over, I might not have found myself in the position I did that
morning. Standing on the front porch of the house I grew up in, shaking in my
hundred-dollar pumps.
The scene around me looked benign enough. Birds chirping, the warm summer
breeze rustling through the leaves of the oak and maple trees bordering the yard.
Flowers of all colors lined the walkway, eerily the same as the ones that had been there
twelve years earlier when I turned eighteen and graduated from high school and took
off for college before my mother could guilt me into changing my mind.
Innocent, yes, on the outside. But inside the house, all my childhood memories
lived. Festered. Waited for me. When I left, I swore Id never come back. I would move
as far away from the tiny, quirky town as I could get, and never look back. Id had
every intention of making good on that vow. Living in Boston had worked for years.
But then Jeremy came into my life, and everything went to hell.
In all honesty, my problems started long before I got involved with him. My taste in
men left something to be desired. My mother used to swear I was born with a faulty
lowlife radar. I couldnt spot the bad ones until it was too late. Thinking back on my
failed engagementsthree in allmade me think she was right. None of them had
been men Id bring home to meet my family, if I was ever inclined to do something so
foolish. Jeremy Taylor just happened to be the worst of the bunch.
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Elisa Adams

And until two days ago, hed also been my boss.

His words came back to haunt me, as they had every moment my mind wasnt
occupied. Its not what it looks like, Amanda. Yeah, right. Id come home from a long,
stressful day of work to find him naked, in our bed, with his ex-wife. But it wasnt what
it looked like?
So then what was it? Selective amnesia? Did he forget they werent married
anymore? Did he forget hed proposed to me just two nights before that?
It had been a lapse in judgment, hed said. Ha! My getting involved with Jeremy,
trusting him and believing him when he swore it was over between him and the bimbo,
had been a lapse in judgment. His mistake had been the final nail in the coffin of our
rocky romance. Imagine my surprise when I found out less than a week later that she
was pregnant.
That was when the whole tire slashing thing had come in. Juvenile, yes, but at that
point I think I was entitled to a little childish behavior. I should have felt lucky that he
didnt press charges, but I couldnt quite muster the emotion. He should feel lucky I
didnt slash something else. Like a part of his body he considered very near and dear to
his heart.
The worst happened when he fired me from the job Id held for five years. It hadnt
been unexpected, but it was still a hit when the pink slip landed on my desk, dropped
there by Jeremys all-too-smug secretary, Stacey. The woman had been trying to get me
out of the way for years. Im sure as soon as Id cleared my desk out and left the
building shed thrown a huge party.
Stacey had always been jealous of my relationship with Jeremy. And up until Id
found him with another woman, Id secretly delighted in the fact that I had him and
Stacey didnt. But now I wondered. Had she had him, too? I snorted. It wouldnt
surprise me in the least.
You could argue that it was partly my fault. Served me right for getting involved
with my boss. But hed been so sweet and kind and caring. And hed actually courted
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Lost in Suburbia

me, bringing me flowers and taking me out for expensive, romantic dinners. Expecting
nothing more than a goodnight kiss until more than a month into our relationship. Id
been swept away by his old-fashioned values and marriage-minded thoughts.
My face heated at the memories. How much more stupid could I have been? The
whole time hed been getting it on with his ex. The woman who had left him for another
woman two years before. My life had turned into some kind of twisted soap opera. I
needed a change. In a big way. Unfortunately, I also needed a place to live since the
condo Jeremy and I had shared was no longer a viable option. So moving back in with
my mother and grandmother had seemed like a reasonable option.
Obviously, Id been suffering from some kind of stress-induced insanity.
Now that the effects of my brief psychosis had faded, a few holes opened up in my
plan. Major ones. Id left home for a reason, and it wasnt to strike out on my own.
Growing up, things had been a little strange. My grandmother had gone a little bit
nutty when my grandfather passed away. There was no medical reason for it, and
believe me, the doctors had looked. And my motherthough my dads death fourteen
years ago had affected her, shed been crazy long before that.
Okay, enough stalling, Amanda. Id been standing out on the porch too long. It was
time to go inside.
As if on cue, the front door swung open and my mother launched herself into my
arms. The hug lasted for all of two seconds before she pulled back, smoothed her huge
pink floral dress over her reed-thin frame, and fixed me with a grave, blue-eyed stare.
Oh crap. Here it comes.
Welcome home, Amanda.
I have HBD.
I nearly laughed. No Hello, dear. How have you been in the year since I last
visited you? No Lovely to have you home, Amanda. Weve missed you so much.
Why had I even expected it? My mother, a natural-born hypochondriac, had discovered

Elisa Adams

her lifes passion when shed bought herself a computer a few years back. Looking up
diseases on the internet. Last year shed turned pro.
Hi Mom. How have you been?
Her slight lips dipped into a frown. Didnt you hear me? I just told you I have
HBD.
Okay, I could humor her. For a little while. But my patience only lasted so long.
What in the world is HBD?
Hyper Breathing Disorder.
She had to be kidding. Was that even a real disease? It sounded like something a
third grader made up to get out of a math test. Im sorry. I think. Is that a bad thing?
My mother put her hand to her chest and let out a huge sigh. Well, it isnt a picnic.
Youd better hope you dont come down with it, too.
I was reasonably sure Id be safe from contracting the disease, since it didnt exist.
Ill be fine. I just got vaccinated for it last week. Can I come in?
Of course, dear. The frown evaporated into a dramatic smile. She pulled the door
open and stepped back to let me inside.
Just like flipping a switch. I ran my hand down my face and fought the urge to run
back to my car. Then again, moving somewhere far away and starting over didnt seem
like such a bad idea. California was nice this time of year.
Stepping into the house I grew up in was like stepping back in time. Nothing had
changed, from the worn Oriental area rug in the foyer to the dull beige walls and the
scents of cookies and roast chicken wafting from the kitchen. I walked further into the
house, closing the door with a soft click behind me, and the surreal feeling continued.
Even the pictures on the walls were the same. A groan caught in my throat. Id have to
do something about the grade school picture of chubby, pre-puberty me with glasses
and braces and mousy, curly brown hair.

Lost in Suburbia

Dinner is in twenty minutes. I have to go finish getting it ready. My mother

pushed a lock of graying brown hair from her eyes and smiled at me. Why dont you
go say hello to your grandmother? Shes in the living room.
Do you want me to help with dinner?
Her eyes went wide and she shook her head, sheer terror passing over her features.
No. Really, Ill be just fine. I prefer to work alone.
I almost laughed. So the domestic gene had skipped over me. I was working on
that. When Id moved away, Id done a lot of things to improve myself, including taking
gourmet cooking classes at a nearby college.
Really. Its okay. I know how to cook now.
If she widened her eyes any more, they would have popped out of her head.
Grams has been waiting to see you. Youre all shes talked about since you called two
nights ago. Why dont you go in and give her a big hug.
Okay. Fine. What else could I do? There was no way I was going to win this
battle. My mother had perfected her arguing skills at an early age. No one ever bested
her in a disagreement. Ever. With my mind and body tired from my miserable week, I
was in no mood to try to be the first one. I headed down the short hallway to the living
room.
A frown tugged at the corners of my mouth when I crossed the threshold. Having
heard the TV blaring from down the hall, Id assumed my lazy brother Jarredtwentyfour and he still had yet to land his first full-time jobwas around too. But only Grams
cap of white curls stuck up over the back of the faded floral couch.
Grams was watching TV? When Id moved out, she hadnt even known how to turn
it on, swore the devil would come and kill her if she let her brain rot watching the
movie box all day long. So what had changed? I walked around the couch and
perched on the cushion next to her.
Hi Grams.

Elisa Adams

She glanced at me and smiled. Amanda! Its so good to see you, sweetheart.
Well, at least someone thought so. Its good to see you, too.
Sit down and watch TV with me. She patted the cushion next to her. Do you like
Sudden Strangers?
About as much as I liked having a root canal. Well, I
Ooh, listen! Evan is finally going to confess to Lily about his past.
Was she serious? Sudden Strangers? I swung my gaze to the set in disbelief. My
eighty-year-old grandmother was watching reality television. And not just any reality
television. Raunchy, naughty, no-holds-barred TV about a group of unnervingly
attractive twenty-somethings spending the summer working at a nude resort. Sure, they
blurred all the important parts, but it gave me the chills to think my grandmother could
sit there and watch that trashand actually concentrate on the obviously scripted
storyline.
Sit back and relax, Amanda. Youre too tense.
Ya think? Like I didnt have a good reason. The adrenaline rush of the past few days
combined with finding out something so personal about my grandmother, a woman Id
prefer to think didnt understand the meaning of sexual relations, had taken its toll. My
fists clenched so tight my nails bit into my palms and Id been grinding my teeth since I
walked into the room.
I opened my mouth to speak, but Grams held her hand in the air and shushed me.
Dont talk now. Wait for the commercial. The best part is coming up.
I watched in horror as the young, dark-haired steroid junkie locked lips with the
blonde with the double d breast implants. You would think Id take that opportunity to
walk out of the room, right? Wrong. My gaze stayed glued to the screen. It fascinated
mein a train wreck sort of way. I couldnt drag my eyes away, no matter how terrible
and rehearsed it was.

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Twenty minutes later, my mother walked into the room and stood in front of the
TV, her hands on her hips, yanking me out of the stupor Id settled into and making
Grams shake her finger and click her tongue. Obviously she didnt like having her TV
time disturbed.
I was hoping youd be able to pull her away from these lurid programs, Amanda,
my mother scolded.
I craned my neck to see around her. Brian and Kristen were just climbing into the
hot tub, and I didnt want to miss a second of the hazy encounter. If youd mentioned
you wanted me to do that, Mother, you should have said something in the first place.
I didnt think Id have to. She reached behind her and pressed the off button. Just
as Brian and his blurry behind stepped into the bubbling water, the screen went black. I
let out a disappointed puff of air and Grams threw a pillow at my mother. I swear,
Amanda. Sometimes youre even worse than Jarred. Dinners ready, if you two can pull
yourselves away from those horrible shows long enough to come and eat.
Now that shed turned the TV off, the spell it had held over me started to fade. A
quick shake of my head cleared the fog and I stood up.
Speaking of my no-good brother Mom, where is Jarred, anyway?
Hes been working the evening shift at the local grocery store. Pride filled her
voice, as if she told me hed been elected the next president of the United States.
I bit back a scathing remark, knowing it would only offend her. She and my dad
had babied him all his life, handed him things that Id had to work for. Allowance, a
new car, a place to live when he was between girlfriends or roommates or wherever
hed been staying at the time. He grocery shopped in my mothers kitchen cabinets and
asked her for gas money whenever he ran out.
Was it any wonder hed never really left home?
Do you ever think maybe its time to cut the cord? Just a little?

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Her eyes narrowed and she stuck her hands on her hips. You and your brother are
nothing alike. He still needs some time to grow up, and he needs my help. She fixed a
glare on me. Besides, you may have moved out, but you moved back in again, didnt
you?
There was no way to defend myself against the truth, so I kept my mouth shut.
How she treated my brother was no ones business but hersbut one of these days
shed see the mistake shed made. Like when jobless Jarred found a jobless wife and
they had a bunch of lazy, ungrateful children. I wouldnt say I told you so, but Id
definitely be thinking it inside.
After dinner Ill help you unpack your car, my mother told me, the scolding look
still firmly in place.
You know what? Ill just bring in what I need for the night and deal with the rest
of it in the morning.
Or maybe Id just head back to the city and move in with my buddy Sheldon. At
least then I wouldnt feel like Id moved into a mental institution.

*****
Later that night, I lay in bed trying to force myself to fall asleep. It was comforting
and creepy at the same time, being back in my old bedroom. My mother had converted
it to a guestroom when I moved out, but my dresser and my bed, complete with the
frilly pink bedding Id saved all my babysitting money to earn and had at the time
believed was the coolest bedding set on the planet, had been left untouched. What
should have soothed me into a deep sleep made a knot of frustration tighten in my gut.
I never realized how much the city noises lulled me to sleep until they were all
gone. Id opened my bedroom window to let in the warm spring breeze, and the only
sounds outside were the crickets chirping. And chirping. And chirping. I swear a whole
chorus of them sat right outside my window intent on keeping me awake and grating
my teeth in annoyance all night.

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This was so not going to work. Something had to be done, and there was only one
person capable of doing it.
I heaved myself up off the twin mattress, grabbed my cell out of my purse, and
dialed Sheldons number. Sheldon, a former coworker at Jeremys office, was the most
down-to-earth guy I knew. He always knew what to say to make me feel better, no
matter the situation. Too bad he hadnt been there to stop me from slashing Jeremys
tires.
Maybe it was a good thing he hadnt. It might have been stupid and impulsive, but
it had felt damned good. A smile played across my lips at the memory.
After a few rings, a sleepy Sheldon answered the phone. This better be good.
Hey. Its me.
Sweetheart, do you have any idea what time it is? Sheldon asked no malice in his
voice.
Do you have any idea how quiet it is here?
He laughed softly. Come on. It cant be that bad.
Wanna bet?
He didnt say anything for a little while, and a door closed in the background.
What are you doing, Shel?
I, umhave company tonight. I dont want to wake him up.
Damn. I really needed a pep talk, too, but not at the expense of Sheldons company.
Oh, sorry. I didnt mean to disturb you. Should I call back in the morning?
Nope. Hes tired. Hell be out for a while. I can always help a friend in need.
I sighed. At least someone was having sex. Me, I didnt think Id have it again. Ever.
Seeing Jeremy with Kelly had really turned me off to the whole idea of getting naked
with someone. There was too much trust involved, and at the moment I was fresh out of
trust.

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I pictured perfect Sheldontall and blond, fit but not too muscular, blue eyes that
sparkled pretty much all the time and a face that at thirty-three didnt have a single
wrinkle yet. What a waste of a good man. Though his boyfriends didnt think so, as
hed so kindly reminded me when I slipped and mentioned my thoughts about his
sexual orientation. I had nothing against him being gay, though there had been a time
in my life when Id wished he wasnt.
Those days were long gone. Over the few years Id known him, hed become one of
my best friends. And not because of the whole gay-men-make-the-best-girlfriends
thing. He wasnt like that. Really. He spent his Friday nights in a local sports bar
watching whatever game was on, drank beer by the case, and couldnt match an outfit if
his life depended on it. But from day one, we had justclicked. And he was always
available to give me a male perspective on anything.
Tonight that perspective would be very appreciated.
Do you think I should have forgiven Jeremy? I already knew the answer, but
hearing Sheldons thoughts on the matter might settle my nerves a little. So far hed
been pretty closemouthed about the whole thing, except to tell me I should have
dumped his ass a long time ago.
Are you insane?
Leave it to Sheldon to give me an honest reaction. Please, honey, dont hold back
on my account.
Dont tell me youre thinking of giving him a second chance.
I might have been gullible when it came to men, but I wasnt a complete moron.
Im not. Its just
Unbidden, a tear formed in the corner of my eye. What was that about? I didnt
miss Jeremy. He should consider himself lucky I hadnt been holding any sharp objects
at the time I found him in bed with the bimbo. But losing him had still left a hole inside
of me. Id loved him for a long time, and whatever the reason for our split, it hurt. A big

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part of my life had been taken away from me and it would be a while before normal
would describe my state of mind again.
Youre lonely, Sheldon said softly.
Why did he always have to be right? And why hadnt I seen it before? Of course
that was it. Ever since the fifth grade when Barry Allen carried my books home from
school, Id always had a boyfriend. This was the first time in my life that I didnt have
anyone, and no prospects waited on the horizon. It was a scary thought, going it alone,
and not a welcome one. Call me pathetic, but I enjoyed having someone to come home
to every night. A guaranteed Friday night date. A sounding board for all my problems,
even the ones too private to discuss with my closest friends.
I am not lonely, Sheldon.
Was too. But Id be damned if I was going to admit that to anyone. It wasnt that I
couldnt be alone. I had no problems with independence. I just hadnt had much
practice at it. It would take a while for my rusty independent side to kick in.
Youre going to be fine, you know. Sheldon assured, the paternal tone in his voice
soothing me and scraping on my nerves at the same time. You can handle it. Youre
back with your family. Theres no reason to be lonely.
Says the man who rarely goes to bed alone, and whos never met the family in
question.
He laughed again, this time a full, hearty chuckle that warmed me from the inside
out. Listen, Mandy. You know I love you. You know Id do anything for you. But I
know what you want me to do right now and I cant help you. Im not going to try to
talk you out of the decision youve made. Obviously your subconscious wanted to go
home, or else you would have found another solution right here instead of packing up
and moving away. You knew I would have let you move in with me if youd just asked.
But you didnt. Thats got to say something.
Give it time. Take a while to be by yourself and learn what you really want,
instead of what you think everyone else wants. Make Mandy happy, instead of
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everyone around you. One of these days youre going to learn whats really important,
and then youll see Im right.
The tears Id been fighting slipped down my cheeks in hot rivulets. I batted them
away with my fingertips, but it was no use. They just kept coming. I didnt do alone
very well, but I was even worse at helpless. And that was the feeling welling inside me,
threatening to choke me on its thick blackness. Helplessness. I sniffled.
I know, Shel. Youre right.
Youre not crying, are you?
Why would I do a stupid thing like that?
Because youre human, and youve been through a lot. He paused. You know
what you need?
Whats that?
This is going to fix everything. You need a man. A rebound guy.
I sat up, my tears suddenly dried at the absurdity of his comment. Here I was trying
to learn to be on my own, and his first piece of advice was to tell me to go out and get a
man? It seemed a little counterproductive. A what?
You know, a throwaway man. Go out, find someone you dont care about, use him
for a little while, and dump his sorry ass the way you should have dumped Jeremy
before the whole ex-wife fiasco. Itll do wonders for your ego.
A one-night stand. Or a one-week fling. Either way, it was still out of my comfort
zone. In all my life, Id never had casual sex. Not even once. I wasnt about to start now,
just because Id been cheated on. There had to be an easier way to get through this. One
that didnt involve using someone the way Jeremy had used me.
I couldnt do that.
Sure you could. It would be good for you. Might break you out of your cycle of
serial monogamy.

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Just like that, the tears once again prickled the backs of my eyelids. Id wanted a
pep talk, not a psychoanalysis. Why did he have to bring to light my worst traits, right
now when I needed a friend more than anything? I pushed the hurt aside, determined
to be strong. Determined to face the mess Id gotten myself into.
And deny every allegation the man made.
Serial monogamy? Please.
Please nothing. You and I both know its the truth. Whens the last time you had
sex without being involved in a relationship?
Iuh I searched my memory banks, but came up blank just as I knew I would.
Mandy?
Never, I answered on a sigh. Have you thought about getting out of real estate?
Youd make the perfect counselor. Or police detective.
Sheldon coughed, probably to cover a laugh. Im not trying to hurt you. You know
that. But sometimes you need to take off your rose-colored glasses and wipe away the
smudges.
Indignation clogged my throat. I snorted. I most certainly do not wear rose-colored
glasses.
Not now you dont. But before the breakup
A burst of air from between my lips sent my artfully chopped bangs up into the air.
Okay, maybe I did have a reality problem. But Im done with that now. Im going to
start looking at the world as it really is, instead of how I want it to be. So tell me, wise
and all-knowing Sheldon, what do I do now?
You keep those glasses off. You learn who you really are. Just you, not you and the
man youre currently attached at the hip to. But Im serious about the rebound guy,
honey. Go out and have fun, just for the sake of having fun. It doesnt have to lead to
shared condos and joint bank accounts.

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Thanks, Shel. You always know how to give me nightmares so I really wont be
able to sleep.
What are friends for? He chuckled. Hey Mandy?
Yeah?
One of these days youre going to love yourself as much as I love you.
Yeah, right. I had about as much chance of that as winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

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Chapter Two
Do you have any special plans for the day?
My gaze met my mothers over the rim of the coffee mug clutched in my hands.
With my brain still sluggish from too much stress and not nearly enough sleep, thinking
didnt come easily.
Special plans? TranslationI need a favor and you know Im not going to come right out
and ask. I expect you to offer your help to save me from hinting around for hours before you get
the idea. I gulped a few sips of the watery home-brewed liquid and tried to quell the
craving for coffee from my favorite gourmet chain. I wouldnt be getting any of that
around here. Not unless I wanted to drive more than an hour to the nearest location
every morning, and given that I didnt have a job at the moment the gas prices would
eventually kill me.
I have no plans today. Other than sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I might
as well make myself useful. Do you need help with something?
Would you mind throwing in a load of laundry? I just dont think my poor old feet
can make it down those rickety steps.
Like a fish eyeing a worm on a hook, I took the bait. Does the Hyper Breathing
Disorder affect your legs, too?
She gave me a smile tinged with condescension. Dont be silly. HBD has nothing to
do with the legs. Its a breathing disorder, Amanda. Breathing is done in the lungs, not
the lower extremities. My legs are sore for another reason. I have edema in my ankles.
Oh, brother. I glanced under the table at her bare legs. Not a bit of swelling in sight.
Does Jarred usually help with the laundry when Im not here?

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The raised-eyebrow look she gave me said it all. I couldnt help the tiny twinge of
jealousy, though at my age I should have been way past that. Why was it that he didnt
even have to lift a finger around the house? He didnt even pay rent.
Well, neither did I. At least not yet, since I was currently without a steady cash
flow. I sighed. Unlike my no-good brother, I knew how to earn my keep. And as soon as
I found a job, which Id need to find as soon as humanly possible, apartment hunting
would be next on my list.
Sure. I dont mind doing a little laundry. Then an unsettling thought smacked me
upside the head. The washer and dryer arent still in the basement, are they?
Of course. Where else would they be? They arent portable, Amanda.
A knot twisted in my gut and my throat closed up. The basement. Dirty, moldy, and
dark. Filled with spiders. Even thinking the word made me shudder. Maybe my mother
was starting to rub off on me, but I could swear Id just developed a bad case of hives. I
set down my mug to scratch my arms. You know, if I ask Jarred really nicely
I clamped my mouth shut when the words Id been saying sank in. Asking him
nicely wouldnt do anything. Jarred was a self-centered pig who would run in the other
direction rather than help a person who truly needed it. Asking him wouldnt get
results. Not unless she pointed a loaded gun at him at the time of the asking. I got all
the nice genes in the family. Unfortunately, Id been bestowed with too many. No
wasnt a word that had a prominent place in my vocabulary. And my mother needed
me.
Despite her manyidiosyncrasies, shed raised me. I didnt turn out so bad, so she
must have done something right. She also let me come back home without question
after the big breakup, without lectures and speechesyetso I owed her.
Okay. Just let me know what you want me to wash. And, with any luck, I would
come back alive. I downed the rest of my lukewarm coffee in one big gulp.

*****
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Ten minutes later I stood at the top of the basement stairs, fiddling with the light
switch on the wall. After three tries, the harsh fluorescent glow filled the stairwell and
the room below, and I said a silent prayer before braving my way down the stairs into
the great unknown.
Dramatic, yes, but warranted. The basement was like my own personal Fear Factor. I
should get fifty thousand dollars just for being bold enough to set my feet on the dirt
floor at the bottom of the stairs.
A small puff of dust rose when my foot hit the ground. I coughed, tried to tell
myself to stick with my objective and ignore my surroundings, but it was impossible
not to notice the fat, shiny spiderwebs in every corner. I closed my eyes, drew in a deep
breath of musty air, and gave myself a mental pep talk.
Youre thirty, Amanda. Not eight. Grow the hell up already. Its not like the spiders are
poisonous or anything, and youve dealt with much larger creepy crawly things in your life. Like
Jeremy.
Feeling marginally better, I clutched the laundry basket tighter to my midsection
and turned the corner, hurrying the few feet to where the washer and dryer sat against
one of the stone and brick foundation walls. When I got there I dropped the basket to
the ground. Another puff of dirt flew into the air around the purple plastic basket and a
laugh escaped my lips.
See? This isnt so bad, dummy.
My relief may have come a bit too quickly. No sooner were the clothes loaded into
the washing machine and the cycle started did I turn around and see a huge spider
dangling from the exposed ceiling, rubbing its plump, hairy legs together. I didnt even
have time to scream before the thing swung at meyes, the malicious intent was clear
in its beady little eyesand lodged itself firmly in my hair.
When I finally found my voice, I screamed. I let loose a horror-flick-worthy shriek
that would have made Wes Craven proud. My feet pounded so hard on the rickety stair
boards I worried for a brief second that I might smash through them and land on a

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whole nest of the horrible, wiggly creatures. I swatted at my hair, trying to dislodge it,
but I could still feel the vile thing crawling around up there. My stomach rolled.
I flew through the upstairs doorway and nearly plowed my mother over in my
quest to get the hell out of the area of the house that, during childhood, had been my
worst nightmare. Apparently certain fears never went away, no matter how old you
got.
Amanda, whats the problem? She frowned. Oh, hold on a second. You have a
spider in your hair.
Gee, ya think? I know. I know. I know. Justget it out, okay? I cant handle this.
I jumped up and down to prove my point, and maybe pop the thing off my head in
the process.
You arent still afraid of those silly little things, are you?
No of course not. I like to run around like a maniac. Its the latest exercise craze. So
good for fat burning.
She tsked and shook her head like there was something wrong with me. In reality,
there probably was, but I was too far gone to think of that right now. Later Id berate
myself for acting like an idiot. Now, I couldnt get past the fact that a spider had jumped
into my hair.
I sucked in a sharp breath, then another. Get. It. Out.
Take it easy. Youre going to make yourself hyperventilate. For heavens sake,
Amanda, its just a tiny little thing.
Oh really? I wouldnt classify something the size of a tarantula as tiny. Please. Just
help me, okay?
She pursed her lips and swatted at it. The spider dropped out of my hair, skittered
away and ran under the kitchen cabinets. The logical part of my brain told me it was no
bigger than a penny, but I pushed that thought away. It had been huge. I gaped at my
mother in horror. You let it go.

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Of course I did. Would you rather I killed the defenseless little creature?
Killed? No. A simple death would have been far too easy. Stomped, squished, and
ground into the floorboards would have been my choice, and would have been my
method of disposal had I not been paralyzed by my ridiculous fear. No. Id much
rather it took revenge on me for smacking at it and came and attacked me in my sleep.
She gave me a withering look. You need to get out more. Youre starting to act like
one of those strange people on your grandmothers programs.
That was quite possibly the biggest insult Id ever heard. I bristled and narrowed
my eyes. Thats not funny.
No, but your behavior a few minutes ago was.
And its perfectly normal to think youre afflicted with every real and made-up
disease known to man? Please. At least my insanity was temporary. I turned to walk
out of the room, suddenly feeling the urge for a nice, long, hot shower. My mothers
voice brought me to a halt.
Amanda, wheres the laundry basket?
Excuse me?
The laundry basket. You need to bring it up. I have another load to go in.
I snorted. Fat chance. You know, my sciatica is really starting to bother me. I think
Ill go run errands instead, and then I really need to think about looking for a job.
Her eyes widened. You have sciatica?
Yeah, right. Of course. I thought I told you about that the last time we spoke. The
doctor says its serious and I really should be careful or I mightneed surgery for it.
Well, take it easy. You dont want to overdo it. I know how painful that can be.
She walked down the hall toward the bedrooms, but turned back when she got to the
bathroom door. Theres a list on the table. Since youre going out, can you pick up a
few things for dinner?
Sure.

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Elisa Adams

Ah, finally something I could do right. Making a relationship work may not have
been my forte, I might not be able to brave the basement just yet, at least not without
suffering a panic attack, but shopping came easily to me. It was one skill Id been
working hard at perfecting
That was something I never got wrong.

*****
What do you mean, you dont have any Gorgonzola?
Mr. Harrison, the owner of the only grocery store in town, shrugged. Never had a
big need for all those fancy cheeses here. How about a nice chunk of American
instead?
Steamed spinach with garlic and American cheese? Doubtful. I forced a smile and
fought to keep from gagging. Um, no thanks. What about Parmesan?
Oh yeah. That we have. Aisle two, big green cans. You cant miss it.
Canned Parmesan was my only option? I gulped. Well, I suppose Id have to make
do with what was available until I could find somewhere better to shop. There had to be
someplace around here, didnt there? This couldnt be all there was.
A little voice in my head warned that, despite all my hopes that might just be the
case. Why had I moved back home instead of finding a new job and a new apartment in
the city?
Because, for some reason, Id reverted back to a little girl who went running to her
mommy whenever she had a problem. I used to think of myself as a person who could
handle whatever life threw at her. A person who could survive any crisis and walk out
of it with her sanity intact. Apparently that assumption had been wrong.
Okay. Thanks Mr. Harrison.
Sure thing, Amanda. Is there anything else I can get for you?
Not unless you have proscuitto.

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His blank look told me all I needed to know. There would be no spiced Italian ham
for me today. Never mind. Ill just go pick out a nice ham steak instead.
He smiled. Its good to see you back in town. Its been so long since youve even
visited. We all thought youd never come home again.
My forced smile lost some of its steam. One can only hope, I mumbled as I went
in search of the ingredients for dinner. Ingredients that I realized, one by one, Id never
find in East Eden, New Hampshiremiddle of nowhere USA. So much for proving my
cooking skills to my family.
I filled my cart with the closest viable substitutes I could manage, grabbed the few
things my mother needed, and headed to the frozen section for some Ben and Jerrys
the staple of my post-relationship diet and the reason I no longer fit comfortably into
my size eights. For some reason, the thought of gaining a few pounds didnt bother me
as much as it would have a month ago. Probably because the thought of trying to
impress a man made me sick to my stomach. Maybe Id give up on dating altogether
and buy a cat. Or ten. Wasnt that how spinsters lived?
I turned the corner into the frozen food section, my gaze scanning the freezers for
the ice cream. I finally caught sight of it in the last case and started to make my way
there. I was so lost in my own little silent pity party I didnt notice the other cart headed
straight for me until it was too late. My cart smashed into the other one with a clang of
metal before it rolled backward, the handle catching me in the stomach. I glanced up, an
apology ready on my tongue, when the bottom dropped out of my world.
Standing in front of me was my greatest dream and my worst nightmare all rolled
into one.
Tyler Jackson.
The boy Id been pretty hot and heavy with until I moved to Boston with no
forwarding address and no promises to call again. Ever.
Hed been heartbroken the night I told him I was leaving. Had even proposed in a
misguided effort to get me to stay. But Id gone anyway, ruining one of the best
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relationships in my life, the only one that had ever gone right, in the process. Hed been
everything to me, but Id been young and stupid and if I hadnt left the whole thing
with Jeremy and all the other mistakes of relationships never would have happened.
Of course, Id probably be married with a minivan full of kids and no education to
speak of right now, and I really couldnt say if that would have made me much happier.
Amanda.
The single word in his smooth voice sent a shiver down my spine. I looked him
over. Hed hardly changed in the twelve years since Id seen him last. His hair was still
that same dark blond with natural golden highlights. His shoulders were still as broad,
his eyes still as warm brown as ever. And those lipsa memory of those full lips on my
neck assaulted me, hitting me right where it counted. He still had it. Some part of me
still wanted it, ridiculous though that it was. If Id only stayed in East Eden
Sheldons less-than-flattering description of me chose that moment to pop into my
head. A serial monogamist. Here I was, newly unengaged, and I was already thinking
about other relationships. I needed to take Shels advice for once and find myself a nice
rebound guy.
One I didnt already have a history with.
How have you been, Tyler?
Good. You?
You mean besides my fianc leaving me for a lesbian, kicking me out of my apartment, and
firing me and forcing me to move in with my mother in the same week? Just peachy. Great.
He laughed the same familiar laugh I remembered from our relationship days. It
warmed me from the inside out. Until he spoke again. I heard you got dumped, and
thats why youre back in town.
Not true. Im the one who did the dumping. After finding him on my twohundred-dollar sheets with another woman, of course. Rehashing my most recent

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breakup with an ex-boyfriend didnt top my fun list. I wasnt into masochism. I steered
my cart around his. Well, it was good to see you. Sorry I bumped into you.
His fingers brushed my arm as I tried to walk past. Shouldnt we be collecting
insurance information or something?
Same old sense of humor. My lips started to tip into a smile, but I schooled my
expression. Most of the time, the past was better left in the past. Cute. No, I really have
to get this stuff home. Im going to cook for my family tonight.
A horrified expression crossed his face, similar to the one that had been on my
mothers when I mentioned cooking. You are?
I rolled my eyes. Did no one around here have faith in me? I can cook now, you
know. Ive changed a lot in the past twelve years.
His gaze raked my body before returning to mine. His fingers tugged on a lock of
my now straight, now blonde hair. I can see that. What brought this about?
Things are different in the city. And were not in high school anymore. Everyone has to
grow up sometime.
Yeah, fast-track careers and all that. He dropped his hand. You look great. I
mean, really. I like it. A lot.
Wait a second. Was he flirting with me? It sure felt like it, but why? After what I did
to him, he shouldnt even be speaking to me. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion.
So what have you been doing with yourself, Tyler?
I own the local garage.
Youre a mechanic? It just slipped out. Honestly. And I didnt mean it as an
insult, no matter how bitchy it sounded. Years ago hed been talking about medical
school. To hear he owned a garage surprised me.
He shrugged, his easy smile never wavering. Yep. Pays the bills, you know?
What happened to the football scholarship? I bit my lip, afraid of the answer.
Turned out I had a reason to be.
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Elisa Adams

Iuhkinda got married instead.

Oh, really?
Yeah. Misty Walker and Iwell, its like this. And dont take this the wrong way,
because I dont blame you in the least.
Oh, yeah, right. Any sentence that started with that kind of a disclaimer was so
obviously a lie. I clenched my hands tighter around the grocery cart handle.
I was upset when you left, he continued, glancing around at the few other
patrons in the frozen foods section. When he spoke again, he lowered his voice. I got
together with her, and one thing led to another, and she got pregnant. I figured it would
be wrong of me not to marry her.
Was I so easily replaced? The fact that I was the one who left him did nothing to
ease the gnawing feeling in my gut. Imumsorry?
He laughed. Dont be. I have some great kids.
Some?
Yeah. All boys. The twins were born first, then another a year later, and the last
five years ago.
The breath whooshed out of my lungs. Four kids. In twelve years. Hed gone on to
have a successful marriage and good portion of a football team, and I couldnt even
hold a mans interest for more than a few months. How unfair was that? I gave him a
wan smile and walked toward the beacon light of the Ben and Jerrys in the last freezer
compartment, suddenly feeling the need to buy out Mr. Harrisons entire stock. Here I
thought Id done things in the right ordercollege first, then career, and only when
those two had been accomplished was it time to start thinking about a serious
relationship. So why was I still alone at thirty and Tyler wasnt? Well, it was really nice
to see you. Give Misty my best.
Stop for a second, Amanda. Misty and I got divorced last year.

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A hopeful, yet slightly smug, smile lifted my lips. Maybe my order hadnt been so
wrong after all. Oh, really?
Yeah. We tried to make it work, but in the end it wasnt worth all the fighting. Ive
really been wanting to see you, ever since your mother told me a few days ago that you
were coming back. She keeps me up-to-date on you, you know. He caught up with me
again, and this time I didnt feel like running away. So I was wondering if you wanted
to get together sometime, you know, to discuss old times. Its been twelve years. We
have a lot to catch up on.
And there it was, back in all its shining glory. The hope that had really never died. I
tried to tamp it out, but the part of my brain that should have told me it was a bad idea
to go out with an ex Id burned was obviously defective, since no warning bells went off
in my head. Like a fool, I found myself nodding when I should have been running in
the other direction.
Sure. Anytime.
Are you free this weekend?
Absolutely.
His smile nearly blinded me. Great. Why dont you come over on Saturday
afternoon? You can see the house. I bought my parents place a few years ago when
they retired and moved to Florida. Youll have to come and see the additions I put on to
make more room for the kids.
His house? Could it be my rebound guy had just jumped into my lap? Then again,
he didnt really make it sound like a date. Part of me wondered if all he wanted to do
was show offto show me what Id missed by moving away, but a bigger part of me
was curious. Curious about how his life had really turned out, and even more curious
about the chemistry that we used to share. Was it still there or had it faded away in the
time that had passed? Sounds great. Do you need me to bring anything?
Nope. We have everything we need. You remember where the house is, right? As
he rattled off his address, a strange ball of something cold settled into my stomach. I
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couldnt help but question my motives. Was this about a rebound guy or about
someone Id never really been able to forget?
And what about his motives? Why was he being so nice to me? Was he trying to
pick up where we left off, or was something else going on?
I piled five pint-sized cartons of ice cream, all variations of chocolate, into my
shopping cart. I had a sinking suspicion the past was about to come back and bite me in
the butt, and I was going to need all the help I could get to ease the agony.

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Chapter Three
Boredom can be a deadly thing. Boredom was what caused me to leave East Eden
twelve years ago. It was also what compelled me to drive to the only local real estate
office, at my mothers not-so-gentle prodding, with the intention of applying for a job.
Id thought about leaving real estate, at least for a while, but then realized since I had no
other skills real estate was the only thing that would pay the bills. Something would
have to pay the bills because I didnt know how much longer Id last living this way.
The idea of getting my own apartment had become increasingly more tempting as time
had passed.
In the five days that had passed since I first arrived home again, Id settled into a
routine of sorts. Clean the house. Do the laundry. (Yes, Id gotten over my irrational fear
of the basement. Sort of. I found that if I wore sunglasses, I impaired my vision enough
to keep me from seeing all the slimy little webs, enabling me to rush down, load the
washer, and rush back upstairs again. I did the same thing when it came time to switch
the load into the dryer. It wasnt a perfect system, but it worked for me.) Do the
shopping. Cook dinner. Go to bed. Alone.
Have I mentioned tedium really annoyed me?
So against my better judgment I took my mothers advice, hoping to beg and plead
for something to occupy my days. I wouldnt be able to work as an agent here, not until
I had a New Hampshire real estate license since my current one was for Massachusetts
only, but there were other things I could do until I worked up the courage to take the
classes and the test. Getting that license would imply that Id decided to stay in East
Eden, or at least in the state. I wasnt ready yet for that level of commitment. Besides,
the process would be time-consuming no matter when I started it, and Id have to do

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something in the meantime. Letting myself get like Jarred, sitting around milking
money from my family for the rest of my life, wasnt an option.
Doubts filling my mind, I got out of my car and walked up the front path of the
quaint little white building. Then I got a really good look at the painted wooden sign
hanging next to the front door. Stone Realty. Stone? Edna Elwood had owned the place
when Id lived in town. What had happened to her? And why hadnt my mother
mentioned the change in ownership?
My good intentions flickered and dimmed a little. Already this wasnt going as
planned and I hadnt even walked inside yet. A sinking feeling started low in my gut.
My mother hadnt told me about the change in ownership for a reason, and knowing
her it was an underhanded one. Either she was up to something, or she was trying to
hide the truth from me. Maybe both.
I knew a Stone growing up. Parker. If it was Parker Stone who now owned the real
estate office, my reunion with him wouldnt be as nice as my reunion with Tyler. Parker
had been the class bully, to put it lightly. He was the single reason Id skipped the entire
first week of my freshman year.
But it couldnt be him. A real estate agent? Working with the public? The idea was
laughable at best. A street thug or a bouncer would have been a much better choice for
someone with a lot of brawn but not a lot of brain. Right after high school hed probably
run off to New York and joined the Mafia.
Gathering what little courage I had, I opened the door and stepped into the office. A
small woman, about twenty-three or so, with dark hair and a kind face sat at the front
desk. Hello. How can I help you?
I smiled. Her voice was just as diminutive as she was, and it put me at ease. I just
moved back to town, and I was wondering if you had any openings for a job?
She scooted her chair back and a sliver of round, very pregnant stomach showed
over the desktop. Amanda Ross, right?

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Oh, for heavens sake. Did everyone know my story around here? Id been back for
less than a week. Yes.
Didnt you work for one of those big commercial firms in Boston?
Rub it in a little more, why dont you? I sighed. I might have been upset if her tone
hadnt been so innocent. Yes, I did.
Amusement lit her expression, but she held up one finger. Hold on a second. Let
me see if Parker is available. Youll have to ask him. Hes the only one who does the
hiring here.
Oh crap. It was him. Part of me wanted to walk away and forget the whole job
thing, but another, larger part taunted that Id never get anywhere in life if old fears
weighed me down. Thinking about the spider incident, and how bad it really wasnt,
made me stay and wait to hear what message shed have for me. Hed probably turn me
down, anyway, just for being who I was.
She picked up the phone and spoke into the receiver. After a few seconds she hung
up and smiled at me. He says hell see you now. His office is right back there.
She gestured behind her to the only closed door.
Thank you.
No, thank you. Maybe if he hires you, I can take my maternity leave a little early.
She tapped her left hand on the metal desktop, a huge diamond sparkling on her ring
finger. Oh sure. Remind me that Im nearly a decade older than you are and I still cant manage
to land a decent man. If she wasnt so adorable I might have resented her, but her
perkiness made it impossible. It wasnt her fault that she had a better life than I did. It
was mine. My bad decisions had brought me to this point and I had to do all I could to
turn things around.
I ventured toward the closed door, my heart beating double-time the whole way,
and knocked.

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Elisa Adams

Come in, came the impossibly deep reply. My throat tightened. Just the tone of
his voice made my heart stop. Not in a good way. It brought back all sorts of memories
Id rather forget. But I shouldnt let it get to me. Id run into Tyler, someone Id had a
much more personal relationship with, and Id come out of it unscathed. Even gotten a
semi-date out of the process. No, I wasnt looking for a date with Parker Stone. Id settle
for him not trying to steal my lunch money or my homework.
Before I could change my mind and run away, I opened the door and stepped into
the office.
Shock held me still at the door. Id expected him to have changed, but he looked
remarkably the same as the last time Id seen him, on graduation day. Dark hair, dark
chocolate brown eyes, tanned skin, strong jaw. Even his demeanor gave me the chills.
But under the shadowy surface lurked an innate, mysterious sensuality that would
have been very attractive had he not been such a jerk. By the time we hit our senior
year, girls were falling at his feet.
Never one to fall for the obvious bad boy, I was the only one who didnt.
For some reason, that had seemed to make him angry. Even now he glared at me
with that look in his eyes. That Look. I now understood how someone so laconic and
socially inept could sell real estate for a living. All he had to do was give his customers
That Look, and theyd sign on the dotted line, no questions asked.
Im looking for a job, I blurted without preamble, all my old insecurities coming
back to haunt me.
His dark gaze sparked, the corner of his mouth twitched into a near-smile before it
faded back into its usual grim line. I liked you better as a brunette.
I stared at him, my mouth so open I was surprised my jaw didnt drag on the floor.
Well. Talk about things in a small town never changing. Im not really sure how to
respond to that.
No need to respond. It was just an observation. Sit down.

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My legs shaking, out of anger now rather than fear, I dropped into the chair across
from his desk, my resume folder clutched tight in my fingers. Soon Id have to show it
to him, but I wanted my hands to stop trembling first. Another couple of crass
comments from him should do the trick. Then Id remember why I couldnt stand the
guy and forget all about the stupid childhood fears that had once again come back to
haunt me.
Whats the matter, Amanda? You look a little pale.
Was that humor in his voice? No way. Must have just been wishful thinking. Parker
Stone didnt have an IQ high enough to support a sense of humor.
Im fine.
Would you like some coffee?
Would it have rat poison in it? I wouldnt doubt it for a second. No, but thank you
for the offer. I appreciate it, but thats not why Im here. I just moved back home and
Im looking for a job. I worked in a prestigious real estate firm that specialized in
commercial properties, and
He held his hand up, effectively stopping my speech flat. I know the story. It was
all over town the day you called your mother and told her you were coming back. You
dont need to get into anything personal. Im not really interested. What Id like to see
are some credentials.
His gaze dropped to the folder in my hands. It was now or never. Funny, but my
brain was suddenly rooting for the latter. I let out an anxiety-tinged sigh and slid the
folder across the desk to him.
After an endless minute of waiting for him to finish leafing through the pages, he
glanced up at me. I dont see anything here about a New Hampshire license.
Duh. Why would I have needed a New Hampshire license selling commercial real
estate in Boston? Well, no, but Id be willing to get that as soon as possible.

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Elisa Adams

He shrugged and handed the folder back to me. Dont rush into that just yet. You
may decide you dont want to work for me.
Oh, I wouldnt
He raised one eyebrow and my voice trailed off. Yeah, I probably would. But his
office being the only one in a twenty-five-mile radius limited my choices. Are you
saying you have an opening for me?
Im sure my office manager told you shes going on maternity leave soon. The fact
that youre here is perfect. You can have her job on a trial basis and well see how that
works out. How does that sound?
Like a huge step down from what I did before. Huge. But hell, my whole life at this
moment was temporary. Being an office manager would be fine for a few months. It
would pay better than any other job I could find around here. My meager savings
wouldnt last forever. If I wanted to get on my feet again, Id have to start by making
sacrifices. And the thought of not having to deal with the stress of sixty-plus-hour work
weeks and picky, spoiled buyers brought a smile to my face.
It sounds fine.
Fine. He nodded, his mouth moving as he slowly repeated the word. Its a small
office, just one other agent and me. Youd be responsible for the telephone and
scheduling appointments when were not around.
Something inside me sparked. That was all Id be doing? That didnt sound like an
office manager. It sounded like a secretary. I told him as much.
He steepled his big hands and leaned across his desk, fixing me with That Look
again. I couldnt help it. I quivered. And from the humor that glinted in his eyes, he saw
it. Like I said, its a small office in a small town. With two agents in this office there
really isnt that much left for you to do. Youd be filling in for Charlotte, doing
everything she does. She doesnt complain.
Okay, he had me there. I needed a job, probably more than Id even admit to
myself, and he needed a secretary. It wouldnt really be a bad thing. I could spend a
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couple of months nursing my wounds, save some money, and decide where the rest of
my life was headed.
Okay. Ill take it.
And that, folks, was the beginning of the end.
Details hammered out, I left Parkers office twenty minutes later with a promise to
return the following Monday for training with Charlotte before she took her leave. I
stepped into the main office and was promptly enveloped in a huge hug.
Amanda! I missed you so much.
I pulled back and found myself in the arms of Jill Hunter, my best friend growing
up. Wed left for college at the same time. Had kept in touch for a few years, but slowly
drifted apart. Finally, someone that didnt settle a ball of dread in my stomach.
I gave her a big smile. I didnt know you were back in town, Jill.
Yep. I came back a few years ago. Got married to Roy Shaw, had a couple of kids.
Ive been working here for about that long.
Married. With kids. I nearly groaned. Was I starting to see a pattern here? Was it
something in the water? That was it. Id be sticking to bottled from now on. Oh yeah?
Listen, Im on my way to meet Mary and Katie for lunch. Interested in joining us?
Talk about reliving the past. The four of us had been a team all through school,
from kindergarten right up until graduation day. When Id cut myself off from East
Eden, Id cut myself off from my friends. I hadnt thought Id ever see them again, and
the thought had always bothered me a little. Sure. Sounds like a blast.

*****
So then little Ricky clung to me leg and wouldnt let go, Mary said, her wistful
smile almost too much to take. Isnt that so cute?
The clatter of flatware and cheap dinner plates mixed with a local country music
station on the radio. I had to lean across the table to hear Marys soft, childlike voice.

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Elisa Adams

Yeah. Its adorable. I forced a smile. That seemed to happen a lot lately. Maybe
my face would crack from the stress. My stomach rolled, but I had a sinking suspicion it
had nothing to do with the grease-laden food in front of me.
A blast, this was not. Come to find out, all of my old friends were now married with
at least two children each. The idea made my heart squeeze. Not so much the children. I
liked kids well enough, though I didnt have any burning desire to reproduce just yet.
But the marriage idea, it practically killed me.
That was the crux of my whole problem. All my life, for as long as I could
remember, I wanted to be married. But the whole idea seemed so elusive. Sheldon
would tell me, as he had hundreds of times in the past that I was setting myself up for
failure by dating the wrong men.
Maybe he should start screening the potential men in my life. Jeremy hadnt felt
wrong. Hed felt soright. Tyler too, up until Id run away from him.
Did I say him? I meant away from East Eden.
Katie faced me with an expectant smile on her chubby, happy face. Do you have
any children, Amanda?
A twinge of something foreign and unexpected tightened my heart. Okay, so maybe
I did want children. Just a little bit. I was over thirty, and wasnt that when a woman
started to hear the ticking of her biological clock? Not yet.
Any prospects for the future? Mary asked.
Unfortunately, not really. Maybe next lifetime. I do have a date tomorrow
afternoon.
At least I thought it was a date, though Tyler hadnt formally asked for anything
more than a get-together between old friends. To talk about old times. But at the
moment I was feeling pretty low and a little embellishment usually went a long way to
making me feel better.

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Jill leaned forward, her expression conspiring. Already? Wow. You work fast.
Didnt you just break up with whats-his-name?
Jeremy was the jerks name, I supplied, hearing Sheldons words in my mind yet
again. Just what I needed. A second conscience. The date is with Tyler Jackson. I ran
into him at Harrisons Market a few days ago and he invited me over.
A hush fell over my friends, and seemingly, the room. Noises faded into the
background as three pairs of eyes fixed on me, each filled with a strange degree of
disbelief. Had I said something wrong? Whats the matter?
Jill was the first to recover. Oh, nothing. Im just surprised. You two have quite a
history.
And that wasnt always a bad thing. Having a history meant you knew a person
better than someone you met at a bar or a club. You already knew from past experience
that the person wasnt a psycho serial killer who wanted to rape and torture you and
leave your body on the side of the road. You knew what they liked, what they didnt.
What would make them smile, and what would make them yell. What made them tick.
If I knew anything, it was what made Tyler tick.
Twelve years, a marriage, a divorce, and four children ago.
I shook my head. Okay, so maybe history wasnt always a good thing.
But what about what happened with Misty? Katie asked.
That happened after I left.
Mary clicked her tongue, her bright green eyes sparking with irritation. Thats not
what I heard.
Excuse me?
I heard that hed been with her before you two split up. But Im sure that was just
a rumor, she added hastily, glancing anywhere but at me.
Of course it was a rumor. It had to be, because I wouldnt let myself believe
anything else. And even if it was true, I was no angel myself. Wed all made mistakes in

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the past. Maybe Tyler was just the anchor I was looking for to make me happy for the
rest of my life. He was a good man now. A business owner, a father of four.
But hed never said why he got divorced.
I pushed the niggling thought aside. This was ridiculous. If he could forgive me for
the way I left all those years ago, I could at least give the guy a chance.
Jill patted my arm. Good luck. Hey, it doesnt mean anything, anyway, right? You
just broke up with your fianc. Youre not looking for anything serious.
Why did everyone but me seem to think serious was a dirty word?
I sighed. Even though everyone warned me not to get too serious too quickly, I just
couldnt help it. It was like my mind was on a quest to find the perfect man, but my
heart would settle for anything with a healthy dose of testosterone running through his
veins.
Lord, when would this end?
When I chose to make the break from that line of thinking. It would take a
conscious effort on my part, but it was something that needed to be done. I didnt need a
man in my life. I was a strong, independent woman and I could make it on my own.
Belittling myself by thinking marriage was the only way I could survive was
counterproductive, antifeminist, and a whole bunch of other things I couldnt
remember right now.
I shook my head, at the same time trying to shake off the feelings of foreboding.
Now I was starting to sound like Sheldon. I needed to get out more. Date, as Sheldon
had suggested. But I couldnt go all-out and have a rebound fling like hed tried to
convince me to. It just wasnt in me.
Hed told me on many occasions that I equated sex with love, and love with fulltime commitment. Yes, it was true, but my brain was hardwired that way. I couldnt
change now, at thirty years old, any more than I would have been able to in my
twenties.

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But I could have fun, sans sexual encounters. Have some dates. Let loose and be
myself. Talk and flirt and laugh and do all the things that make those first few dates
with a new man so exciting. And Tyler wouldnt really expect sex on the first date,
would he? Id never had sex with him when we dated before. I hope he realized that the
core part of me, the part that relegated such actions, hadnt changed.
That was the part of me that kept me a virgin until twenty-five, when I met fianc
number one. Yep, thats right. Three in five years. None of them had been the right man
for me. None of them had come even close.
Would this cycle never end? I wanted to take everyones advice and forget the
whole commitment angle, but old habits were hard to change.
Id just have to work on that while working on setting up my new life.
I finished the last sip of my diet cola, fished through my purse and pulled out a ten.
I slapped it on the table and forced yet another smile to form on my unhappy mouth. It
was nice to see you, ladies. I have to run. I promised my mother Id help her with the
laundry.
It wasnt really a lie. I had promised. Id also finished the laundry before I left the
house, but none of them needed to know that.
Hey, Amanda. We get together every Friday for girls lunch hour, Jill said. Why
dont you start coming with us?
Mary and Katie both nodded so vigorously I didnt have the heart to say no, but in
truth spending an hour every week listening to them talk about their perfect lives and
wonderful marriages held about as much appeal as eating chicken bones.
Sounds terrific.
Hopefully none of them noticed how false my enthusiasm was. Because as nice as it
was to see my friends again after so long an absence, they did a lot to remind me of
what I wanted, but would likely never have. Companionship. Someone to love me
unconditionally. They all had it in their lives, but every time I thought I had it within
my grasp it slipped right out of my fingers.
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Why did my goals seem harder and harder to achieve with every passing day?
I didnt know. One thing became perfectly clear on my short car ride back to my
childhood home. I needed to get off the pity train before it sucked the life out of me.
Now I just had to figure out how.

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Chapter Four
The next night showed me that fate has a twisted sense of humor. I was standing on
Tylers front porch, waiting for him to answer the door, and I could have sworn I heard
young children screaming and yelling. But that wasnt possible, was it? He wouldnt
have invited me over for a date if he expected to have his kids at the same time. Or
would he? Yet more evidence that he hadnt planned this as a date at all.
He pulled open the door after what seemed like forever, a harrowed look on his
handsome face and a dish towel flung over his shoulder. He sighed with what sounded
like relief when he saw me standing there. Hey, Amanda.
Hi.
Its good to see you. He glanced behind him and zeroed back in on me, a nervous
glint in his eyes. I should have taken that as a sign to hightail it out of there before it
was too late. But Id never been one to follow my instinctscase in point, three broken
engagements and a new boss who could make Attila the Hun cower in fearso I stayed
put.
A burnt odor wafted from the open door.
Its good to see you, too. I gave him what I hoped was a bright smile, despite my
quaking insides. So, are we hanging out on the porch tonight?
He didnt laugh at my joke. If anything, the anxiety in his expression grew to epic
proportions and he glanced over his shoulder again. By the time he focused his gaze on
me, he at least attempted a smile.
No, no. Of course not. Come on in. Just fair warning, though, were five men living
together, alone. Its a tad bit messy.
He stepped back and led me into the center of a tornado.

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Elisa Adams

Books, toys, and various articles of clothing lay scattered around the hardwood
entryway floor, some trickling up the stairs and down the hall toward what looked like
the kitchen. I took another few steps into the house and caught a glimpse of stacked
paper plates, half full of food, on the dining room table. I shivered. A tad bit messy? Talk
about the understatement of the year.
Can I take your purse? he asked, still smiling with that relieved look in his eyes.
I had the urge to say no, to turn around and run, but I didnt. The way I saw it, he
gave me a chance after Id walked out on him twelve years ago. The least I could do
was give him the same. It couldnt be as bad as it looked, right? Sure.
I handed my purse to him, albeit grudgingly, and he set it down on a little table
next to the door. The only surface in eyeshot that didnt have a layer of something
covering it. A relieved breath whooshed from my lungs.
Come on in. Make yourself at home. I hope you dont mind, but the kids are here.
Misty usually has them on the weekends, but shes got the flu.
He made a sweeping gesture with his hands, indicating the trash heap he passed off
as a house. I shivered again, but did my best to hide it. No sense insulting him this early
in the evening. Anyway, the boys said they wouldnt mind having company, and
Mistywell, she has her moments, so I thought they could use a womans touch.
A womans touch. Excuse me? Why had he not mentioned that when I agreed to
dinner Id signed up for the instant family plan? I balked at the very idea, but at the
same time a small, obviously insane part of me welcomed it. Here was my chance to see
what it was like. What drove apparently everyone but me to bring children into this
crazy world? Now Id finally get to experience family life, without the full-time
commitment. Call me crazy, but it seemed like the perfect opportunity to try it on for
size.
As if on cue, ready to distract me from my musings, a huge dog came barreling
down the stairs, followed by four blond-headed boys. The boys stopped when they saw
me, but the big yellow ball of fur and drool didnt. Tyler yelled and reached for the
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animals collar, but as if in slow motion it leapt from the ground, shooting straight for
me. Its paws connected with my shoulders and pushed me to the floor. My hands flew
up to cover my face to protect my skin from its slobbery kisses.
Tyler grabbed the mutts collar and dragged him off me, then helped me to my feet.
Shit, Amanda. Im so sorry. I didnt think hed be that way with you. Buddys usually
so good, unless the boys have worked him up.
He shot a glare in the direction of the bottom of the stairs. Four pairs of eyes met his
with varying measures of amusement.
Daddy! You said a bad word! the smallest of the four piped in.
Tyler rolled his eyes. Sorry, Alex. Listen, I promise to behave for the rest of the
night if you all do. Guys, this is Amanda. Amanda, this is Alex, Connor, Shawn, and
Devin.
He pointed to each child as he recited their names. They all looked so much alike,
so much like Tyler, that the age differences alone wouldnt be enough to tell them apart.
I studied them, looking for details to go with the names. The smallest, Alex, was a little
tiny, scrawny thing with scabby knees and a bruise on his chin. Connor, who looked a
few years older, smiled at me with a gap-toothed grin. The twins, Shawn and Devin,
wore identical black cargo pants and red T-shirts screen printed with snowboarders.
Their hair was cut in the same spiky style.
They dont always dress alike, Tyler explained, leaning in to whisper in my ear.
Theyre just trying to show off for the new girl.
Hi guys. I said, still a little unsure how I felt about being the new girl in their
cozy little family arrangement.
Dead silence met my greeting. I could have sworn tumbleweeds blew past. Talk
about humiliating. I couldnt even get the attention of a couple of pint-sized Tyler
clones.
Tyler cleared his throat. Gentlemen, I believe the lady spoke to you.

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Still nothing.
This time Tyler put his hands on his hips and glared at his brood. Who wants to
lose all their video game privileges for the next month?
That got their attention. A mumbled chorus of half-hearted greetings followed. Id
only been there for five minutes, and already I could see that this was going to be one
heck of an interesting evening.
Lets get moving here, gentlemen. Go get dinner on the table, Alex and Connor,
Tyler barked, military style, leaving me wondering why he couldnt do the same thing
to get the little rugrats to clean the house.
The two boys scurried out of the room, down the back hall toward the brightly lit
kitchen, punching each others arms and yelling on the way. The other two children
gave me wary glances before they followed at a breakneck pace.
Once they were all safely out of earshot, Tyler turned his attention to me. Sorry
about that. Theyre usually so polite. Theyre a little nervous around other women.
My eyebrows shot up. Other?
His answering grin had a sheepish edge. Their mother doesnt always talk nicely
about my female friends. Misty still gets a little jealous, even though the divorce was her
idea in the first place.
Her idea. Oh yeah. That made me feel much better. Not only did the boys have a
psycho jealous mother who brainwashed them into thinking all other women should
die and would probably come after me with a butcher knife the first chance she got,
their father was apparently not entirely thrilled about the divorce. What had I gotten
myself into this time?
I bit back a sigh. I heard you have custody.
He nodded, the grin deepening and turning proud. Yep. Misty takes them on
Saturday nights through about midday on Sunday, but other than that its just us
bachelors.

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And the psycho brainwashing mom who apparently wasnt completely out of the
picture.
Part of me was dying to ask him if my friends had heard right, if hed really cheated
on me with Misty during high school, but I couldnt bring myself to do it. The logical
part of my mind prodded me to ask, but the emotional part kept my lips glued shut.
Would it really matter if he had? It wouldnt change anything. Sheldon had often
told me to live in the moment, and that was exactly what I planned to do tonight. I just
wished the moment was a little moresanitary.
Shall we go eat? he asked.
Glad for the distraction from the harsh reality of single fatherhood and yet another
man who didnt understand the concept of a washing machine and a bottle of Pine-Sol,
I followed him down the hall into the kitchen.
If you think I walked down the hall to find a miraculously sparkling clean kitchen,
youre so wrong. I have to admit Id been hoping for just that, but yet again fate had
thrown me for a big, fat loop and left me wondering if Tyler needed to apply for some
sort of disaster relief.
The floor was sticky, dishes piled so high in the sink I couldnt see the faucet, and
there was some strange orange gunk drizzled over the top of the table. Paint? Orange
juice? I shuddered at the possibilities.
Now was a good a time as any to go on a crash diet, since my appetite had
suddenly disappeared. Amazingly, the boys sat quietly at the table. I dont know how
they managed the serene looks on their faces when faced with all this filth.
Seeming to sense my hesitation to walk any further into the room, Tyler grabbed a
yellow checkered dishcloth, dampened it in a pan of water soaking next to the sink, and
scrubbed the gunk off the table.
Sorry, Amanda. I had the place clean this morning, expecting Misty to come pick
up the boys for the weekend. Well, you know how it goes.

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I could only gape. Was he kidding? For the past year Id had a housekeeper. The
only thing Id had to worry about was getting into the shower early enough to make it
to work on time. And if he thought Id believe for one second that this abomination
happened in one day, he had another think coming.
Yeah. I know how it goes.
I so did not know what he was talking about. Before Jeremy, Id lived in my own
apartment and done just fine keeping the place clean. Of course, I hadnt been living
with four little animals that obviously belonged in a zoo, either.
I sat, deciding to cut poor Tyler a little slack. His life had to be tough, tougher than I
could even begin to imagine. He had valid reasons for the way things were. And I
didnt forget his little veiled comments in the grocery store about how everything
happened with Misty because Id chosen to break up with him and leave.
Yeah, so maybe my decision to have dinner with him had been a little hasty.
And maybe I was blaming myself for something that wasnt my fault at all. What
would Sheldon say about Tylers comments? I nearly laughed out loud. He would have
told Tyler to take a flying leap, but not in such nice language. He would have said that
it was Tylers fault for jumping into bed with the first girl to show him any interest once
I was gone.
My imaginary Sheldon was right, but did that help to ease my guilt any? Of course
not. I hated to sound clichd, but I could blame it all on my mother. I was spoon-fed
guilt from the moment of birth. Conception, even. And I wasnt able to let it go that
quickly.
It still didnt explain my motives for coming here tonight. It was a mistake,
probably, but I couldnt help it. I felt like Id been dropped into that show where the
families swap moms. One of them always ended up wanting to pull their hair out from
stress and revulsion by the end of the episode.

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Oh my God. Now I knew Id been watching too much reality TV with good old
Grams. I cleared my throat, hoping to clear my head at the same time, and turned to
Tyler.
Dinner smells great. I didnt even gag on the lie. Much.
He smiled as he set a bowl in front of me. Hope you like mac and cheese.
Was that some kind of a twisted joke? I glanced down at my bowl with horror to
find it filled of little tubes of orange-covered pasta. My stomach turned over. There was
no way I could eat this. Id been on a low-carb diet for the past three years. In my world,
pasta was the enemy. Adding reconstituted powdered cheese so didnt make it more
appetizing.
The boys helped make it, he told me proudly.
A glance around the table at their proud, beaming faced confirmed what Tyler said.
A lump formed in my throat. Now I felt like a heel. Hed gone to all this trouble to make
this night work for me and for his boys, and I had no right to screw it up.
Stop being so goddamned nice, Mandy.
No, it wasnt my conscience. It was my imaginary Sheldon. I shoved him into a
mental closet and slammed the door. Id be nice if I damn well felt like it. And tonight,
of all nights, I wanted to be nice.
Well, I sure am hungry.
Okay, that sounded a little too rehearsed. Despite the fact that I hadnt had a bite of
pasta in a third of a decade, I lifted my fork to my mouth and took a bite. Surprisingly,
it tasted almostedible. It wasnt the most horrible thing Id ever had, though I was
sure my thighs would double in size by morning.

*****
The rest of the meal had passed uneventfully, relatively speaking, with only three
spilled glasses of milk and one crying jag (no, not mine, though Id come close on more
than one occasion) to disrupt it. Tyler was being really sweet, if not a little frazzled, and
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he looked even cuter for it. My mind insisted again that I give him another chance. So
he had kids who would give Freddy Krueger a run for his money. So what? Next time
we made plans, wed have to make sure we got out of the house. Alone. Then
everything would be perfect.
I could deal with the kids. Really. They were cute, and sweet in a terrorizing sort of
way, and Tyler was still too sexy for words despite the huge wet spot on his shirt from
his sons spilt milk.
Now we sat in his family room, strangely the only room in the house that had
started out moderately clean, watching some inane sitcom on TV. The boys had gone to
bed an hour ago, and Id felt compelled to stay and help him straighten up his house.
Too bad I couldnt help him straighten up his life. A business owner and single dad of
four maniacsI just couldnt figure out how he did it without going to bed every night
with thoughts of slashing his wrists. That was part of the reason I shied away from
casual sex. I didnt have the fortitude for single parenthood and with my luck Id get
pregnant with triplets the first time I jumped into bed with some near-stranger who ran
the second the words Im pregnant came out of my mouth. Just having dinner with
Tylers four kids was exhausting. Doing the same thing twenty-four/seven didnt hold
a lot of appeal.
Your shirts wet, I told him, lacking anything more interesting to say. Our
conversation had waned somewhere along the course of the evening, and I couldnt
figure out a single thing to get it back on track. Wed always had so much in common,
but tonight twelve years seemed like a lifetime spanning between us.
When we were younger, wed always had this amazing chemistry. Id wanted to be
near him. All the time. Every single waking minute of my young life. But nowlets
just say that the pull between us seemed to have slackened.
He glanced down at his chest, a self-deprecating smile on his face. Yeah. I guess it
is.
Doesnt that bother you?

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He laughed. Nah. Things are a lot different now. Ive had to learn to go with the
flow or go crazy. Does it bother you?
I faced him, slowly nodded. A big, cold, wet splotch on my clothing. Just the
thought gave me the shivers. You know what, I think it would.
He laughed again, sat forward on the couch and stripped off his shirt. He dropped
it to the floor and I had to fight the urge to tell him to put it in the hamper. But the urge
went out the window as I got a good look at his toned, tanned chest. I swallowed. Hard.
Several times.
Yes, it was shallow, but I couldnt help it. He still looked good, better than hed
looked as an eighteen-year-old quarterback of the high school football team, and I
desperately wanted to still be smitten. Problem was, I didnt know if I was thinking
about the boy Id known, or the man hed become. They were both completely different
people, and I had a hunch I was fighting to feel something that wasnt there anymore.
Something that had died when I moved out of East Eden and Tyler moved into Misty
Walkers bed.
A shaky sigh left my lips as he settled back on the couch, so casual about his halfnakedness and my subsequent reaction. His gaze rested on the TV, his arm draped
casually over the back of the couch and his feet propped on the glass and wood coffee
table.
So tell me why you left Boston.
Like he hadnt already heard the whole story. The East Eden gossip mill worked
double-time. That much hadnt changed. I broke up with my fianc. I told you that.
A small smile twitched the corners of his lips. Why, though? I mean, it isnt like
you not to commit.
My face flamed and my eyes narrowed. Is that what this was all about? Getting
back at me for leaving him the way I did? So what if I had three broken engagements
and one near miss? It was better than having three divorces. Wasnt it?

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I swung my head in his direction and was caught off guard by his teasing smile.
Youre joking around, arent you?
He nodded, the smile never leaving his face. You always were so easy to rile.
And you never ceased to try to get me angry. His confession did nothing to ease
my aggravation. If anything, it only made it worse. So much for marriage and family
life maturing him.
I wasnt trying to get you angry.
I glared at him. Then what were you doing?
I was just thinking about those times we argued, and how cute you were with
your red face and narrowed eyes. I liked you all worked up. You were hot.
That cooled some of my anger. Just a little. I fought a smile. I was hot?
Oh yeah.
But I had glasses. And my hair
The glasses were cute. They suited you. And your hair wasnt so bad. You were
perfect, Amanda. Absolutely perfect.
His smile grew from warm and teasing to something more heated and sensual. He
shook his head and leaned in. His lips were on mine before I had a chance to stop him.
For all of two seconds I thought of pushing him away. Two seconds. My inner Sheldon
sighed. I was so weak.
The kiss was nice enough. Pleasant. Exactly how I remembered it, minus the heat
caused by teenage hormones. Exactly how it had been with Kurt, and Reese, and
Jeremy, and every other guy Id ever dated. Decent. Warm. Settled.
But theres no spark.
I tried my best to shake off the annoying little voice. Spark didnt really exist. It was
only a thing made up to sell romance novels. Something that didnt count because it
could never be achieved. And anyone who said differently obviously needed
medication.

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Tyler wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer until my thigh touched
his and my chest was squashed against him. His tongue parted my lips and darted into
my mouth. My body responded to his touch, but my mind stayed at its usual safe
distance.
There has to be something more. This cant be all there is.
I leaned closer still fighting for the spark I knew in my heart would never come. I
had to try. He kissed just as well as I remembered, and that right there should have
inspired something inside me. The man really knew how to use his tongue. But still my
body remained sadly glow-free.
Soon I found myself pulled into his lap, straddling his waist, and that was the
moment I knew I had to snap out of the kiss. It was too much, too soon. That part of
myself I couldnt change. I broke the kiss, moved away from him, and smoothed my
palms down the front of my jeans.
Tylers eyes glazed over in confusion, and I knew hed ask why Id stopped him.
Why I freaked out when we were just getting started. Typical man. Two-track minds,
the lot of them. Sex and sports. Everything else just got in the way.
To my surprise, remorse softened his gaze.
Im sorry, Amanda. I got carried away. I didnt mean to move so fast.
I smiled despite my still-present reservations. He really was a great guy. At least I
still kept hoping he was. Its okay.
No, it isnt. He stood and walked over to me, pulling me into a hug. My face
pressed up against the soft skin between his neck and shoulder. I dont want to chase
you off. Its just that you look so good, so sophisticated and polished, but still so much
like the old you that I loved so much. I just couldnt help myself.
My smile grew. Talk about stroking my ego. Um, thanks. I think.
I definitely like the way you are. Youre so different, but still the same in the sweet,
kind ways that mattered. The boys really took a liking to you.

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Yeah, if you considered throwing ice cream at me and pouring ketchup into my
cola taking a liking.
Im surprised youre not married by now, Tyler continued, still holding me close.
I started to squirm, more than ready for the hug to be over. Hed just moved into
very uncomfortable territory. Um, remember the whole broken engagement thing?
He was a moron to let you go. How come you didnt marry before that?
Because my life was about more than getting attached to someone else and raising a
bunch of kids. Id wanted a career. Id wanted a man who would support my career,
but Id never managed to pick one who could.
Id also, according to the all-knowing Sheldon, sabotaged every relationship Id
ever had by purposely, albeit subconsciously, dating the wrong men. Men Id known
were wrong for me, and yet Id pursued the relationships anyway.
When the hell had I managed to get this screwed up, and why hadnt I seen it
earlier?
I shook off the uneasy feeling, pulled out of the hug and stepped across the room. I
decided I wasnt going to settle down until I was completely happy.
Which was the truth. Id never be happy with an obsessive-compulsive control
freak like Kurt, or a musician with no real career aspirations beyond singing cover tunes
in seedy local bars like Reese, or a screwed up cheater like Jeremy.
Okay, so maybe Sheldon was right. But how was I supposed to change something
that was such an integral part of me. I sighed. Maybe I was doomed to live an unhappy
life, all alone, and retire to an old mansion with about forty or fifty cats. Just the thought
made a little bubble of sadness rise in my chest.
Tyler tipped my chin with his thumb and looked right into my eyes, his gaze
questioning. Whats a guy got to do to make you happy?
That, folks, was the question of the century.

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Chapter Five
The next Monday as I parked my car in the tiny office parking lot for my first day of
work, Tylers last question still stuck in my mind. What would a man have to do to
make me happy? If only I knew. I could have avoided a whole lot of big mistakes in
relationshipsor even some of those relationships altogether.
Happiness, to me I didnt even know what it meant. It was what Id been on a
quest for when I moved away from home to find something more exciting in the city.
What prompted me to get engaged three times, to three very different men who turned
out to be basically the same? And now that I sat back to take a good look at it all, I
realized something that made my stomach twist into a painful knot.
I equated happiness with having a man in my life.
And worse, I didnt know if Id be able to change that way of thinking. Or if I even
wanted to.
I leaned forward and thumped my head against the steering wheel. Man. I was in
even poorer shape than Id thought. Maybe my mother had the name of a good
psychiatrist. At thirty years old, I shouldnt be this screwed up. It just wasnt right.
A sharp rap on the hood of my car brought my head snapping up fast. My new boss
stood there, one hand in the pocket of his navy blue dress pants and the other flat on
the car hood, his lips in a firm, grim line. Oh crap. There was That Look again. Just what
I needed to break me out of my pity party. A reminder that my new boss could eat me
alive if he so chose.
When I didnt move, he came over to the side of the car and gestured for me to roll
down the window. I did, hesitantly, and licked my dry lips. Good morning? The
words came out as more of a question than I intended.

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Good morning. His reply was gruff, almost mumbled, like he didnt want to say
it in the first place. Is this some new way of getting work done?
Excuse me?
Im just curious if sleeping in your car during work hours is a big city fad those of
us in this backwater town have yet to catch onto, or if you have other reasons to explain
why you arent in the office on your first day of work. He opened the car door and
stepped back.
I grabbed my keys and purse and jumped out of the car, not even bothering to roll
the window up. Who would steal anything in East Eden, anyway? The crime rate
around here was pretty much zero. Everyone was too apathetic from the monotony.
I wasnt sleeping. I was How was I supposed to explain this to him in a way
that didnt make me sound like Id forgotten to take my loony pills today? The
realization that Im one of those women who cant get by without a man in her life had
just hit me and it made me want to go jump off a bridge?
Yeah, right.
I kept my lips clamped shut.
You were what?
Nothing.
He reached toward me. I flinched as his fingers brushed the hair off my forehead.
His thumb traced a line just above my eyebrows, igniting a whole lot of sensations I
chose to pretend didnt exist. Pink. You were banging your forehead on the steering
wheel?
I plead the Fifth.
I grimaced and waited for his scathing retort, something along the lines of women
being the inferior species on the planet and why did they do stupid and unexplainable
things anyway, but it didnt come. He did something then that surprised me. He

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laughed. A big, hearty laugh that would have warmed me from the inside out had I not
been the object of his ridicule.
I turned to walk away from him, but he grabbed my arm. Are you okay?
So what if I wasnt? And why was he asking me? Hed never been anything but a
big bully, and I wasnt giving him any more ammunition to laugh at me than he already
had. Why would you care?
A heavy sigh escaped his lips, his expression darkening fractionally. He said
nothing for a long minute, his gaze holding mine as effectively as if hed pinned me in
place. Something strange crackled between us. Something I figured was probably onesided and a lot of dreaming on my part. I couldnt help my attraction to the guy, even
though he so wasnt my type.
Finally, he shook his head and let go of my arm. I have a client coming in fifteen
minutes. I need to get inside. Are you coming?
I desperately wanted to say no, to tell him to find himself a new office manager, but
something that flashed across his eyes stopped me. Something almostwarm. The
rational part of me knew it had to be my imagination, but I clung to the thought that
maybe, just maybe, working for him wouldnt be nearly as bad as Id thought.
Of course I am. I said Id be here, didnt I?
The near warmth in those cold dark eyes turned to amusement. I suppose you did.
I just didnt know whether to believe you or not. You dont have the greatest history of
following through. Lets go, then, sometime before lunch.
He started up the walk without waiting. I stood where I was, my gaze glued to him,
struck by something that caught me totally off guard and nearly made my knees buckle.
Parker Stone had a really nice ass.
At the same moment as that thought flashed through my mind and threatened to
change the world as I knew it, he stopped and turned, a single eyebrow raised.
Coming inside, Ross?

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Not Amanda, not Miss Ross. Just Ross. And he didnt even say it nicely. That
condescending tone tinged with humor was going to get old, really fast. God, he was
such a jerk. Why had I ever entertained thoughts that he might have changed? It must
have been some sort of short-lived temporary insanity. I grumbled as I followed him up
the walkway.
Hed be lucky if I stayed more than a few days at this job. And if I left without
notice, leaving him in the lurch with no one to answer his phones and make his coffee,
it would serve him right.
I smiled at the thought.

*****
And then you enter the MLS number into the computer, and record it here and
Charlottes voice went in and out of focus. I shook my head. I already knew all this.
Some things, no matter what office you were in, or what state, never changed. Shed
spent the whole day showing me the ropes as Parker had told her to, and now I felt
like I could run the tiny little office blindfolded, with both hands tied behind my back
and my butt glued to the uncomfortable little rolling chair Id been sitting in.
Do you think you have it all or do you want me to go over it again? Charlotte
asked, her pixie face scrunched. Its really simple. Parker does most of the big stuff
himself. He just needs someone to take care of the phone, make appointments and
watch the office when he and Jill are out with clients. Decent pay for easy work is
always a good thing, right?
Oh joy. Id never known so much fun in my life. But the pay he offered was decent.
Well, decent considering I lived at home and the nearest mall was an hour away, pretty
much eliminating the possibility of a retail therapy addiction relapse.
Yeah, Im pretty sure Im all set. I gave her a thousand watt smile, which she
readily returned. She stood, her small hand on her lower back to support her giant
stomach, and grabbed a red canvas bag from under the desk. Okay then. Im off.

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She waddled back to Parkers office and stepped inside. Two minutes later she
came out and smiled at me. When she spoke, her tone was no more than a low whisper.
One thing to keep in mind about Parker. Hes a teddy bear. He might look mean, and
act mean, but inside hes as soft as a marshmallow. The mean act is just a front for
deeper insecurities.
I snorted before I could pull the sound back. A marshmallow? Yeah, right. She was
too young to have seen him in action on the elementary school playground, or the high
school parking lot.
Charlotte laughed. He is. Really. Ive been working for him for the past five years,
since he took over the business from Mrs. Elwood. He might get upset quickly, but he
cools off quickly. And believe it or not, hell respect you more if you dont take
everything he says as gospel. Hes tough, but fair. Very fair. He wont treat you badly,
not really. Hes just veryfocused on his work.
Like hed been focused on torturing kids to insanity in grade school? Why do I
find that hard to believe?
You went to school with him, right?
I nodded, not sure where she was going with this.
From what Jill has told me, hes changed a lot. Her smile grew sisterly. Hes a
great guy, really. His communication skills might be a little rusty since he spends so
much time working and not nearly enough time having fun, but he really is terrific. Just
give him a chance. Trust me on this one. I think you two will get along just fine.
Why did it seem like she was trying to convince herself right along with me?
Um, okay. Im sure everything will be okay. It had to be okay, because I didnt
have many other prospects in this tiny town, or any of the surrounding ones.
Parker is around off and on to help. Jill will be in later today, if you have any
questions. Charlotte headed for the door. She had appointments all morning.
She paused, halfway in and halfway out of the office. Are you single, Amanda?

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Aha. It all made sense now. With her one question I recognized Charlotte for what
she really was. A matchmaker. One of those people so happy in a relationship that they
couldnt rest until everyone had one of their own. I shuddered to think whom she
might set me up with. A nerdy brother who couldnt find a date? Her cousin the grade
school teacher with questionable sexuality?
A boss who would probably rather pull my hair than go out on a date with me?
Um, no. Not really. I did have a second date planned with Tyler, after all. That
classified as not single in my book. Im seeing someone.
It was only a little bit of an exaggeration.
Oh, thats too bad. I know somebody who could really use a woman like you in his
life. She glanced behind me and smiled before she turned her attention back to me.
Good luck. Ill email you pictures of the baby when hes born.
Perfect. Yet another reminder of all my lifetime failures. As if I didnt have enough
already. I spun my chair around and found Parker standing right behind me. In shock, I
pushed my chair back and jumped up, losing my balance. I teetered and would have
fallen on top of the desk if he hadnt grabbed my arms and righted me.
Once I was safely on my feet, he let me go as if touching my skin burned him.
Sorry about Charlotte. She can be a pain in the ass sometimes.
She doesnt bother me. I like her. Though her bubbly personality would probably
be tamed with the addition of midnight feedings and twenty dirty diapers a day.
Ignore what she said. She doesnt know as much about me as she thinks she does.
She thinks I need to get a social life. Shes forever trying to set me up on dates. He
glanced at me and shook his head. She must be getting desperate. Dont pay her any
attention, okay?
Desperate? Indignation stabbed at my gut. What the hell did that mean? I fumed
silently, wanting to reach out and choke the life out of him. And this was the guy
Charlotte told me was a nice guy? Id really hate to see what her version of a jerk was.

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Nice guys didnt walk around treating women like dirt and think that was perfectly
acceptable.
He flopped onto the small sofa in the corner of the room and glanced out the
window. Youre seeing someone already, huh?
I narrowed my eyes at his profile. What did it matter to him? So what if I am. It
wont affect my work performance. How much of that conversation did you hear?
Enough. Who are you seeing?
Is this professional curiosity?
His lips twitched, but he didnt look at me. Yeah. I think I have a right to know
who will be keeping you from concentrating on your work.
I sighed. Just because I felt like rubbing his nose in something, I blurted, Tyler
Jackson.
His gaze swung to me, his eyes wide with shock. He has four kids.
Really? I never would have guessed. I spent the evening over there for dinner last
night, and I didnt see any of them.
Sarcasm doesnt become you, Ross. He sighed. You can barely hold yourself
upright in a chair. How do you expect to take care of four little hellions like the Jackson
boys?
Indignation turned to annoyance. Just because I was a woman didnt mean Id step
in and take over for their inept mother. Not every woman spent all her time searching
for someone to mother. What makes you think I want to take care of them?
Youre seeing Tyler.
Yeah, weve covered that already. Was he speaking in some kind of code? Would you
care to explain yourself?
Look. Let me put this in a way youll understand. Hes in over his head with those
kids. Hes looking for a wife. Probably sees his ex-girlfriend as the perfect candidate.
What makes you think hes looking for a wife?
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A look of exasperation passed across his face. Hes got four kids!
Im aware of the children. But he didnt once mention needing someone to take
care of them. My mind flew to the state of the house and I gulped. What had I done as
soon as those boys had climbed into bed?
Cleaned up his house.
Shit, shit, shit. Maybe Parker was right.
Or maybe he was just a big jerk who couldnt stand to see anyone showing the
tiniest inkling of happiness.
Listen, Ross. A man whos had four kids dumped on him, especially when hes
trying to run a business, is going to be looking for someone to take care of them. Its
what he wanted his wife to do. Stay home with the babies while he went out and
worked. And played.
He fixed me with a stare that warned me he was trying to tell me something.
Okay, Ill bite. Played?
A short, harsh burst of laughter escaped him. Yeah, played. With other women.
What do you think brought about the divorce?
Oh, I dont know. Maybe the fact that his wife had a boyfriend on the side, and she
was cold and they didnt even sleep in the same room together? I recited what Tyler
had told me as wed done the dishes the other night.
Did he tell you that?
Yes.
Even youre not that stupid to believe a crap story like that.
I was saved from making a scathing reply when the door flew open and Jill burst
into the office in her usual bustling manner.
Amanda! I was hoping youd start today. Its great youll be working here.
I narrowed my eyes at Parker. At least someone thinks so.
He snorted. I never said I didnt want you here.
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No, you just insult me at every turn.

That wasnt what I was doing.
Oh yeah? Then what exactly were your intentions?
I was trying to keep you from You know what? Never mind. It isnt even worth
it. Go ahead and ignore the truth thats right in front of you. I really dont give a damn
what you do in your personal life. He stomped into his office and slammed the door.
Jills eyes widened as she glanced from the still vibrating office door to me and back
again. What was that all about?
I shrugged. I have no clue.
I havent seen him like that in years.
Well, it isnt my fault!
I know, I know. Hes just She sighed. A little over the top sometimes, I guess.
Hes one of those extreme alpha males who needs to be cut down from time to time.
So go ahead and cut him down.
I dont need to. She giggled. You just did. I dont know what you said to him,
but he never backs down from an argument. Never. You must have really thrown him.
Id like to throw him, all right. Out the window of a moving vehicle traveling over a
highway overpass. I hope I did. He deserves it.
Jill sank into the chair across from my desk and dropped her briefcase at her feet.
She wrinkled her nose. Crap. Here we go again.
Her tone niggled at me. Whats the problem?
Its a repeat of high school, with you and Parker at each others throats all the
time.
I seem to remember that in high school, Parker was a first-class jerk to everyone.
Jill shook her head. Sometimes I think you have a faulty memory. By high school
he kept to himself, except where a select few were concerned. And before you start, you
antagonized him as much as he did you.
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Yeah right.
This from the woman who thinks her high school sweetheart was the perfect man
in all ways and still is, despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Not wanting to get into it again about Tyler, I clamped my mouth shut, though I
have to admit that a niggling suspicion started in the base of my spine. Could it be that
all these people were right? Had I been so blinded by needing a relationship that I
hadnt seen the signs that something was wrong?
I dropped my head to my hands. Geez. Maybe I really should look into counseling.

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Chapter Six
By the time Friday came, I was more than ready for a break from the daily grind.
No small miracle, a whole work week had passed without incident. Probably due to the
fact that I was avoiding Parker at all costs and he seemed to be doing his best to avoid
me too. The tension it created in the office did get a bit overwhelming at times, but if
that was the way it had to be I could deal.
Naturally, I should have assumed the peace and quiet wouldnt last. But as usual,
Id chosen to ignore all the signs in favor of pretending East Eden was a wonderful
place where bad things only happened in fiction. So it came as a complete surprise to
me when my carefully laid plans for the weekend came to a screeching halt.
I was preparing to leave the office a little early, to go home and get ready for my
second date with Tyler, when Parker came out of his office and slapped a fat manila
folder on my desk. I need this report typed by the end of the day.
You do realize its almost the end of the day, right?
He shrugged. I held back an eye roll. I was going to ask if I could take off about an
hour early since the day has been so slow. I have a date and I need to go home and get
ready.
Sorry. Not tonight. I really need this to get done.
He didnt look sorry. Not in the least. Cant this wait until tomorrow or after the
weekend? Charlotte told me you usually do this kind of stuff yourself, anyway.
Charlotte was wrong. She shouldnt have made a blanket statement like that
without checking with me first. A muscle ticked in his jaw and he glanced away from
me, toward the folder on my desk. When he looked back to me he didnt say anything,
just focused that hard, unyielding glare on me. That Look did me in yet again. No way
was I going to win this one, so what was the point in fighting? Besides, I did work for
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him, and I was still on the clock for another hour. So much for getting in a shower
before I had to meet Tyler downtown. For a real date, at a real restaurant. Without
rugrats.
Okay. Ill do it right now.
Parker, apparently, wasnt finished with me yet. Youve been working here a
week. What made you think Id let you make your own schedule?
The fact that nobodys been in and the phone hasnt rung all day? I just assumed
there was nothing to do. Because usually there wasnt. In the past week, Id learned
what Office Manager really meant. It meant a woman who sits at the front desk and files
her nails all day. When Charlotte had told me Parker did everything for himself, she
wasnt kidding. Lately hed even been answering the phone from his office before I had
a chance to pick up. That was why it had surprised me so much when hed dumped the
file on me this close to quitting time. He was up to something.
Obviously theres plenty to do. Next time check with me before you make plans
that cut into your workday.
The plans dont. I just wanted to go home and take a shower and get cleaned up
first.
Hes got four kids. Trust me. He wont notice if your hairs messed up. With that,
he went back into his office and slammed the door.
I didnt have a chance to chase him with a reply. I was too busy smoothing down
my hair. It was not messed up. I didnt spend an hour every morning with a bottle of
hairspray and a flattening iron for nothing. Jerk.
A quick glance at the clock told me I still had an hour to go before five oclock. If I
rushed through the report, which couldnt be nearly as long as it looked, Id still have a
few extra minutes to go home and change. As long as I didnt wet my hair down the
style would hold for a few more hours. I smiled to myself. Everything would be just
fine.

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*****
So much for finishing quickly. By the time I finished typing the report and dropped
it on Parkers deskwith a little more malice than I probably should have used,
considering he signed my paychecksit was ten past five. Forget going home at all. I
had barely enough time to grab my purse and keys and make the five minute walk to
the diner.
Tyler was standing outside when I got there, a sexy grin on his handsome face. My
mood lightened at the sight of him and I breathed easily for the first time in over an
hour.
Hey beautiful. He grabbed my hands and gave them a quick squeeze before he
dropped them.
Sorry Im so rushed. I couldnt sneak out of work early like Id hoped.
No problem. Hey, I understand. Parker can be such an ass sometimes.
The way he said it made me think hed had some recent run-ins with Parker, but I
let it go. I so did not want to get into a debate about that now, and the last thing I
wanted to be thinking about on a date was my boss. Yeah, I guess.
Tyler just smiled, a little smug, and that grated on my nerves. What was he up to
now? For some reason that I couldnt explain, the need to defend Parker rose in my
throat. But I chose to be the bigger person and ignore what seemed to be a personal
conflict between the two men. I didnt want to end up saying something Id regret later.
Shall we go inside? he asked, taking my hand in his.
Love to.
Holding his hand brought back memories of comforting things. Safe things. And
got my mind off where it had been all week. Stuck on the fact that, despite being a big
socially inept loser, my boss was seriously hot.

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I shook off the feeling and glanced at the man currently holding my hand. He was
hot too. And available. And interested. He didnt put me down at every turn. Tyler
treated me well.
At least I thought he did.
But that little voice still niggled in the back of my mind, the one that told me to take
things very slowly with Tyler. According to everyone else around me, he wasnt nearly
as honorable as he seemed. I had yet to see any evidence of that, but I hadnt exactly
been digging for it, either. Tonight, maybe it was time to bring some of those so-called
truths to light. Id find out what the real truth was, and then we could move on from
there with nothing between us.
We sat at a table in the corner and ordered drinks and appetizers, diet cola and a
side salad for me, and beer and spicy chicken fingers for Tyler. While we waited for the
food to come, I took my time studying him.
Hed aged well, become even more handsome as a man than he had been as a boy.
If Id just met him on the street, I would have been instantly, insanely attracted to him.
But now I could barely manage to get my feelings to the warm and fuzzy level. For
some reason, I just couldnt seem to let myself get close to him. Maybe the fiasco with
Jeremy had broken something inside of me, the part that regulated attraction and
desire. I should be head over heels for Tyler all over again, but I still had yet to decide if
I even liked the guy.
The longer we sat there in companionable silence, the more I tried to convince
myself that he was a terrific catch. But the words couldnt get past my inner Sheldon,
guarding my heart and not letting anything inside. Though it was a tough realization to
come to, I finally admitted what Id known all along. Tyler was no longer the right man
for me. Hed never been The One. If he had, I wouldnt have left twelve years ago. The
new realization allowed me to see him in a different light, complete with blemishes and
faults. And then something caught my attention.
Tyler ogled every woman who walked by our table.

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He didnt do it openly, but for the first time in my life I opened my eyes to see what
was right in front of me. I saw signs, and I didnt like them at all. My hopes of a happy
reunion, already dimming by the second, flickered and died.
Tyler?
Hmm? He smiled, running his fingertips over the top of my hand.
When did you say the twins birthday was?
December twenty-fourth. Theyre Christmas babies.
My heart sank. Hed just told me all I needed to know to make a clean break from
my past. I really had been stupid all those years ago. Well, it wasnt going to happen
again. I liked the man Tyler had become, I truly did, but at that moment I couldnt stand
him one bit. I narrowed my eyes and pulled my hand out from under his.
December, huh? I thought you said Misty got pregnant after I left?
His eyes widened and his throat worked as he swallowed.
Caught. My inner Sheldon did a little happy dance.
Tyler glanced around the restaurant before he turned his anxious gaze back to me.
It only happened once. I swear. You know how boring it was here in high school. We
were drinking one night at a party, and it just happened. I swear, it didnt mean
anything, and Ive regretted it ever since.
Didnt mean anything? To my horror, my face flamed and tears came to my eyes.
Half of my reaction could be attributed to PMS, and the other half the sting of his
betrayal. A second ago Id been happy to get rid of him, but his confession still stunned
me, even after all these years. He was lying to me. The truth was plain in his eyes, even
as he denied it all. Hed told me he loved me. But if he had, he wouldnt have slept with
another woman while we were together.
The foundation holding up my little world of lies cracked and crumbled, leaving
me raw and open. It had been twelve years. I wasnt in love with him anymore. In fact,
Im not sure I ever really was. Id been in love with the idea of him, the idea of being in

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a relationship with a man who doted on me on a regular basis. But the betrayal still
stung. A lot more than I cared to admit.
Tyler, how could you do that to me? To us? My voice took on a dramatic tone
worthy of one of Grams TV programs, but I didnt care. He needed to understand how
much his lies hurt, even twelve years later. Id trusted him with my heart, almost did it
again, and all hed done was rip it out of my chest and stomp it into the dirt. The voice
in my head reminded me that I hadnt really wanted him in the first place, but I
couldnt stop myself from getting upset. Heck, the reason I got so upset was probably
because I didnt want him anyway. I think I was angrier with myself than with Tyler.
Lower your voice a little, Amanda. Youre making a scene. He grabbed my hand
and squeezed tight. Just listen to me for a second. I loved you, not Misty. Its always
been you. I wouldnt have even married her, but by the time I found out about the
pregnancy you were already gone.
And that was supposed to make me feel better? I sniffled.
Its always been you, Amanda, he repeated, sincerity mixed with frustration in
his eyes. Those kids should have been your kids. Ours. But you left me.
And there it was. He did still blame me. I saw it in his eyes, in the firm set of his
jaw. His life was a mess, and he blamed me for it. He didnt want me back. He wanted
to punish me for what he perceived I had put him through.
That did it. Id had enough of this twisted farce of a non-relationship. We couldnt
go back to where wed been before, but not for the reasons Id first thought. It wasnt
me that was broken. It was him. Hed always had a problem, Id just been too blind to
see it. Until now. Even remaining friends with him would be toxic. I had to make a
clean break, the sooner the better. My stomach churned and a hot lump formed in my
throat. I had to get out of that restaurant.
I grabbed a twenty out of my purse and tossed it to him. You know what? Have a
couple of drinks on me. Maybe you can knock up some other woman and have a couple
more kids you can blame on the fact that I walked out on you.
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Not even bothering to look back, I left the restaurant, hit the sidewalk, and just kept
walking. Tears scalded my cheeks, salty on my lips. My face felt so hot I was surprised
it didnt burst into flames. And my poor, abused heart ached, not for the second chance
Id just walked away from, but for all the times Id trusted a man and had that trust
broken. It just wasnt fair. Why was it that everyone else got to be happy when all I
could do was suffer? I sniffled again. Sometimes, life really bit the big one.
By the time I made it back to my car, Id calmed down enough to unclench my fists,
but the tears were still flowing freely. It didnt bother me that Tyler and I werent going
to get back together. If I was really honest with myself, which I tried like hell not to be
on most occasions, I had to admit that the thought of spending an extended amount of
time with him and his kidsshudderhad me wanting to run and hide. But he was
safe. Comfortable. Like an old, holey T-shirt you cant throw away because its just so
soft and warm and it fits just right. You dont feel passion for that shirt like you would a
new Prada tank top, but its the shirt you always slip into after a long, hard day.
No, I didnt mourn the fact that Tyler and I wouldnt pick up where we left off. I
mourned the fact that Id been stupid enough to trust him for so long, and the whole
time Id never seen the real him. Id had warnings, but had chosen to ignore them. Id
been an idiot. Hed gotten a woman pregnant while telling me every night how much
he loved me. It reminded me of all my past relationship failures. Theyd all followed the
same pattern. Them taking care of me, and me latching on despite knowing how bad
they were for my health. Id been nothing more than a convenience. Every time.
When would I ever find someone to love me?
Why had I not noticed before how much of a failure I was? I couldnt even get a
rebound relationship right.
And yelling at myself was probably counterproductive. My relationship with
Jeremy had been over for weeks. It was well past time to move past the Pity Amanda
stage and into the Im Fine and I Can Handle Anything stage. Sitting around whining
wouldnt help me move on with my life, but at this moment it just felt so damned good.

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I sighed and slumped onto a wrought iron bench on the sidewalk in front of the real
estate office, dug a tissue out of my purse and dabbed my eyes.
Rough night?
The deep voice from out of the stillness made me jump. Parker walked around to
the front of the bench, his hands in the pockets of his black dress pants, his tie hanging
loose around his neck. His expression gave away nothing of his mood. Nothing new
there.
You could say that.
Mind if I sit down? He didnt give me chance to respondprobably sensing I
would tell him no way in hell. He just scooted onto the bench right next to me, leaned
forward and propped his forearms on his thighs. He turned his head to glance at me.
Anything I can do to help?
Youre dying to ask, so why dont you?
He fixed me with a false quizzical stare. Ask what?
How my date went.
A single shoulder lifted in a shrug. Dont really care that much about your
personal life, Ross.
But his tone told me different. The guy was dying to say I told you so. I sneered
at him. He probably wanted to rub my nose in the fact that he was right, and I was
wrong.
It really, really sucked to be wrong.
The thought had another sob racking my body. I tried to suck it back, but ended up
sounding like a dying cow instead, setting off a chain reaction of tears and sniffles the
likes of which I havent known since the fourth grade when Jimmy Stevens lifted up my
skirt in front of the whole class.
Hey, Parker said softly. Come on, Ross. Dont cry. I really hate to see women
cry.

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I let out a watery sigh. Funny, but thats not what I remember.
We were kids back then. A lot has changed. How long are you going to hold the
past against me?
He put his hand on my shoulder and a warm shiver ran down my spine, settling
low in my stomach. If I hadnt vetoed Sheldons idea of a rebound guy, Parker would
have been my first choice. I was attracted to him. In a purely physical way, of course.
Sleeping with him and dumping him would be the perfect revenge for all the crap he
put me through when we were kids. Though somehow I doubted that even that would
get to him. If he had a heart, it was buried beneath six feet of ice.
I couldnt think about dating, or sex, or men at all right now. In the middle of
finding out that my comfort man was an asshole in disguise, I needed a shoulder to cry
on, and Sheldon, my shoulder of choice, was too many miles away. I glanced at Parker.
Not even when hell freezes over.
It would be crazy to even think about leaning on him. Hed just use it against me
later. I jumped up off the bench and fished my keys out of my purse, my gaze locked
with his.
Are you leaving? he asked, disappointment flashing across his dark blue gaze.
Yeah. Its getting late. I have to get home. The words came out of my mouth, but
for some reason couldnt make my feet move the twenty or so yards to the parking lot. I
didnt even back away when he rose from the bench and came to stand in front of me,
cupping my chin in his big, warm palm. My heart sped up and my stomach flipflopped.
Whatever he did, Ross, you dont deserve it. Not even a little bit. Youre better
than he is, and dont you ever forget it. He leaned closer and for a second I had the
crazy notion he might kiss me, but in the end he dropped his hand to his side. Come
on. Ill walk you to your car.
Chivalry? From Parker? Now I knew the world had gone mad. No thanks. Im fine.
Really. I can make it to my car all on my own.
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I insist.
His tone left no room for argument, but I was suddenly in the mood for a
confrontation. Taking out my frustration with Tyler on Parker probably wasnt the best
course of action, but I had yet to clear my mind enough for rational thinking.
Seriously. Im fine. Its not even dark out, Parker. I can manage.
Not one to take no for an answer, he shadowed me down the walkway, across the
parking lot, and right to my car. His presence wrapped around me, comforting me
when I didnt want to be comforted. Annoying me when my emotions felt used up. As
soon as I got to my car, he was going to get a piece of my mind.
But by the time I reached the car and spun to tell him off, hed turned around and
started walking away.
Hey! Where are you going?
You dont want me around, remember? He looked over his shoulder, a teasing,
and devastating, smile on his face. My knees buckled and I had to lean on my car for
support.
Holy crap. What was that?
How much worse could this get? First, I found out my first love had cheated on me
and lied about it, even twelve years later. And then my sudden, shocking attraction to
my boss, of all people, had smacked me in the face. What was next, a complete
meltdown?
I didnt even want to know.

*****
When I got home Grams wasbig surpriseparked on the couch, her eyes glued
to a rerun of The Real World.
I slumped onto the couch cushions and propped my feet on the coffee table. An
errant sniffle escaped my lips, even though the tears had ended a while ago.
Tough night?
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Hadnt I just heard something similar? You could say that.

How did your date go? She shoveled a handful of movie theater style extreme
butter microwave popcorn into her mouth. The bright yellow, shiny kernels in the bowl
made my mouth water.
My date? It sucked. It royally, completely, and utterly sucked. Oh yeah, did I
mention it sucked? Fine.
You dont look fine to me.
What did she know? She spent her days involved with the messed up lives of total
strangers. Its nothing. Really.
Talk to me, Mandy. She tilted the bowl of popcorn in my direction.
Thanks anyway. I dont eat carbs. Unless the carb source is a pint of the worlds
greatest ice cream. Then I would gladly make an exception.
Its corn, sweetie. A vegetable.
A grain. Loaded with fat and salt and artificial color andoh, what the hell. My life
was already messed up enough. Might as well add heart disease, high blood pressure,
and size twenty jeans to round it all off. Since Tyler had made me miss dinner, I had to
eat something.
I took a handful of the greasy mess and popped a kernel into my mouth.
Immediately I cursed myself for giving this all up for so long. What had I been
thinking? Forget Ben and Jerrys. This was so going to be my new comfort food.
My gaze glued to the TV screen, I ate the handful of popcorn and took another.
Then another. When Id downed half the bowl, Grams pulled it away.
Easy so you dont overdo it. Itll give you a stomach ache.
I nearly laughed. Being out with Tyler already did that.
What happened, sweetie?

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I sighed. If she didnt hear it from me, shed hear it through the grapevine sooner or
later. Besides, she could handle it. My problems would seem pretty mundane given the
stuff she absorbed on a daily basis. I found out he cheated on me.
With who?
Misty Walker.
No, he didnt cheat on you with her. She clicked her tongue in that
grandmotherly way and shook her head as if I were a two year old who didnt
understand the concept of eating with a fork. Thats his wife.
I rolled my eyes. Ex-wife. And Im not talking about now. Im talking about back
in high school.
Grams let out a huge sigh, set the bowl on the oak coffee table, and brushed her
salty, greasy hands down the front of her bright red floral muumuu. When she turned
to look at me, I caught the same expression in her eyes as Id seen in Parkers.
Why does that matter now?
I cared about him. I trusted him.
Back then. Not now.
Yes, now. I agreed to go out with him again, didnt I? I wouldnt have dated him
again if I didnt trust him, Grams.
Her lips tipped up in a knowing smile. Im not so sure if thats the truth.
Why did everyone think they knew me better than I knew myself?
And why did I have the sinking suspicion that most of them were right?
I sighed and buried my face in my hands. Of course its the truth. Why else would
I have gone out with him so soon after breaking up with Jeremy?
Because youre looking for your safe harbor.
My safe what?
Harbor. The thing to keep you anchored in reality. For some reason, you havent
yet figured out that its somewhere inside yourself, not in someone else.
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I dropped my hands into my lap and sat up, my attention fully grabbed. Sage
advice coming from a woman whod barely uttered a coherent word in the past four
years. Okay, so what do I have to do to find this safe harbor?
You need to stop thinking in terms of what being in a relationship can get you, and
start thinking about what you could get yourself. You cant succeed in love until you
know who you are.
Im thirty, Grams. I know very well who I am.
Sweetie, you havent even scratched the surface. You have so much to offer, but
you keep choosing men who are no good for you. Youre going to get your heart broken
over and over until you realize what it is you really want. So take a step back and be
alone for a while. Youll discover the real you soon enough, and I bet the woman you
meet will surprise you.
Shock made me blink. Wow, Grams. Youre so right. Where do you come up with
these things?
She gave me a sweet smile. Jake told Kelly the same thing last night on Party
Island.
I groaned. Why hadnt I seen that one coming?

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Chapter Seven
Have I mentioned that I might not have been the most domestic woman on the
planet? Apparently my ineptitude also extended to yard work as well. Up until today
my mother had paid someone to make sure the lawn was mowed and the gardens
weeded. But I, still running on my grandmothers bogus, scripted advice, decided I
should help her out instead. After all, I was a fairly young woman perfectly capable of
cutting a little grass, and I hadnt contributed much money to the household.
Have I also mentioned that Ive never pushed a lawn mower? Ever?
Apparently, some of those machines are self-propelled. The one my mother owned
was not one of those models.
After fighting with it for an hour to even get it running, I spent the afternoon
struggling to move it across the grass, the nasty machine grunting and groaning nearly
as much as I was. Sweat poured down my face and stung my eyes, dirt and motor oil
coated my hands, and I stunk like gasoline.
And Id only gotten a quarter of the back yard done.
If Id stayed in East Eden after high school, I would have learned early on how to
operate a lawn mower. But in my apartment building in Boston, the closest thing to
grass was the Chia Pet kitten the little girl next door kept on her balcony.
Yes, Id been completely citified. Mundane tasks like these ones didnt come easily.
But I took a small amount of pleasure in knowing that most of East Edens residents
would be lost trying to walk from Fanieul Hall to North Station.
Id just started pushing the mower again when someone tapped me on the
shoulder, making me jump back and nearly stumble over the machine. Jarred. I
narrowed my eyes.

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Are you trying to give me a heart attack or something? I yelled over the grinding
motor.
What? He shook his head. Never mind.
Jarred bent over the lawn mower and shut the motor down. When he stood, he
gave me an easy smile. Do you want some help with this?
I gaped at him. Would he expect me to pay him or something? When Id left home,
giving Jarred money was the only way hed do something for anyone.
Of course, hed been only fifteen at the time.
I took in the sight of his black T-shirt and denim shorts. White tennis shoes, no
socks, his dark hair pulled back into a short ponytail. And glasseswhen did Jarred get
glasses? I hadnt noticed him wearing those before.
No, thanks. I dont have any extra cash right now.
Ouch. His hand covered his heart and he stumbled backward, laughing. You
may not believe this, Mandy, but you arent the only one whos changed in the past
twelve years.
In the time Id been home, Id barely seen him. He was either working his late shift
at the grocery store or locked away in his room, no doubt playing useless video games.
And then there were the mornings, when hed mysteriously disappear and not tell
anyone where he was going. I had no reason to believe hed changed. All I knew was
that he wasnt around when my mother needed him.
Youve changed, huh? Prove it, buddy.
Yeah, I have. Annoyance laced his tone and filled his eyes. I came out here to
offer you help, since youre so obviously struggling. But if you dont want to be nice,
screw it. Im not going to go out of my way to help someone whos nasty to me.
I crossed my sweaty arms over my chest. Then talk to me, Jarred. Explain to me
what your motivations are for being absent all the time.

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I expected him to tell me he spent his days lounging on the beach at the nearby
coast, or hed met some bimbo who kept his mornings occupied with sex or drugs, or
maybe both. The last words I expected out of his mouth were the ones he uttered.
Im going to school, okay?
His confession was enough to leave me speechless. I blinked at him, unsure of what
to say, unable to tell if he was joking or serious.
A few months ago I started taking classes at the community college in Westerly in
the mornings, and going to work at night. With all the studying and late nights, Im
exhausted most of the time. I sleep whenever I have a free minute.
My heart sank to my knees and a lump formed in my throat. I felt like the worlds
biggest bitch. Hadnt I just learned not to judge anyone too quickly? It only leads to
problems in the end. Im sorry I misjudged you, Jarred. That was pretty rotten of me.
He shrugged and smiled, the not-a-care-in-the-world expression back in place. No
big deal. Im used to everyone thinking the worst of me by now.
What are you studying? Does Mom know?
Criminal justice. After I get my degree, Im going to apply to the police academy.
And no, Mom doesnt know. Dont tell her. I brought up wanting to be a cop once and
she nearly went through the roof.
I smiled, filled with pride for my brother even though it was a foreign emotion. The
last time Id felt anything for him other than animosity had been the day he was born. I
promise I wont say a thing.
Thanks, Mandy. He didnt wait for a response. He just bent down and got the
lawn mower going again, whistling as he pushed it away.
My brother with a gun and a badge. Now that was a scary idea. I couldnt help but
be proud of him, though. He was making steps to turn his life around.
If he could do it, why couldnt I? Maybe it really was time to take Sheldons advice.

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*****
The hot shower water ran over my hair, sluicing down my back, soothing my
frazzled nerves. I was proud of Jarred. I really was. But at the same time, it stuck in my
gut and wouldnt go away. I might not have been able to do a lot of the things I should
be able to do, but I had a huge problem with personal failure. I couldnt stand to think
of not doing something exactly right. Jeremy had told me hed appreciated my
eccentricities, as hed called them. Now I know he really didnt. Why did he stay with
me for so long, then? From where I stood, it didnt make much sense.
I squeezed a dollop of shampoo into my hands and worked it into my hair. I should
let the whole thing with Jeremy go, get over it as hed so obviously gotten over me. But
a small part of me still wished it hadnt happened. Any of it. Wished that he hadnt
found his ex-wife far more appealing than his current fiance. Wished Id never
accepted his offer for dinner. Hell, part of me even wished Id never left East Eden in
the first place.
No. Bad thoughts. Bad, bad thoughts.
I smoothed my palms down my average breasts, down the slightvery slight,
mind youswell of my stomach to my thighs that, by some miracle, hadnt as of yet
become the size of tree trunks. I wasnt a knockout or anything, but I wasnt hideous. Or
even plain. Jeremy had often complemented me on my sleek, shiny blonde hair and my
dark green eyes.
A bitter laugh caught in my throat. Too bad the hair was fake. The blonde most
definitely didnt belong to me. And the stylewell, that was manufactured too. Id
lived my childhood with thick, long, curly hair the color of black coffee. Quite a few
straight-haired women would change places with me in a heartbeat, but the curls just
werent me. So I had it cut to mid-back and colored, and every morning I spent forever
with a blow dryer and a flattening iron and fifty dollars worth of styling products
smoothing the locks to a sleek, straight shine. It worked for me. In my old life, Id gotten
many compliments on my hair.

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Here, Id had one. Tyler. And one comment about how my old style was better.
Parker. Why I even cared what Parker thought was beyond me, but there it was. I
tugged at one drenched lock, now curling softly at the ends. Maybe it was time for a
change.
And maybe not.
Did I have the courage to go back to brunette? Id been blonde for so long that the
switch would probably send my body into shock. But yeah, I could probably dredge up
a little courage to give it a shot. It might just be the change Id been looking for.
The decision had nothing to do with Parkers comment on the day were first met
again. Really. Id been thinking for a while about a change, to ring in the new year of
me. A year without Jeremy the Jerk, without the high-pressure job and all the corporate
ass-kissing. But to lose the blonde Id had for the past ten yearsmy stomach clenched.
And curls were so pass. So last year.
As if I even cared about that anymore.
After a quick conditioning rinse, I jumped out of the shower and blotted dry. I
slipped into a tank top and shorts, laid a towel over my shoulders to catch the drips
from my wet hair, and reached for the blow dryer hanging from a hook next to the
mirror. But my hand faltered and I drew it back.
The new me. Small steps. Id leave my hair curly for the rest of the day, and see
what happened. If I decided I didnt like it, itd be very easy to pick up that hair dryer
tomorrow morning.
Still second-guessing myself, I wandered into my bedroom, grabbed my cell off the
dresser, and dialed Sheldons number.
He answered on the fourth ring, sounding breathless.
Did I catch you at a bad time? I asked, wondering if he had middle-of-the-day
company Id interrupted.
Nope. Just came in from jogging. Whats up?

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What wasnt? Grams had said that I needed to find my so-called safe harbor inside
myself. But I disagreed. I already had a safe harbor. Sheldon.
Of all the things I missed in Boston, I missed him the most. Him, and my fourbedroom condo with a hot tub in the bathroom, but Id never see that again.
Do you have a few minutes to talk?
For you, anything.
A smile lifted the corners of my lips. You know, if you were interested in
women
Even if I was, I caught the humor in his voice, we wouldnt work. You and I
both know wed drive each other crazy in a week.
Did he always have to be right?
So tell me, he continued when I only laughed. Hows life in Cow Town?
There are no cows here. I wrinkled my nose. No anything.
So why did I start to feel like I might not want to leave? Its great. Wonderful.
Funny, you dont sound wonderful.
Gee, how did he ever pick up on that one? Okay, so Im a little bit not so
wonderful. Just a little, Shel.
Spill.
I started seeing someone a little while ago.
Your rebound man?
A hint of excitement laced his tone and I hated to burst his happiness, but what
could I do? If I lied to him, hed know it. He had a sixth sense about that kind of thing.
Not exactly.
He sighed. Dont tell me youre getting involved in another serious-as-a-heartattack relationship?
Not exactly.

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Youre starting to sound like a parrot. Are you going to tell me whats going on, or
what?
I picked at one of the loose plastic threads on my comforter, tugging until it
snapped. Do you remember the guy I told you about, the one I left behind when I
moved to Boston?
Yeah, Sheldon said slowly, his voice suspicious. Dont tell me you got involved
with him and picked up where you left off.
Not exactly. I laughed at his frustrated sigh. We dated a little. Hes divorced
with four kids. But I found out he cheated on me with his ex-wife, only they werent
married yet at the time.
Sheldon let out a low whistle. Talk about history repeating itself. Or preceding
itself.
His comment made me laugh. Leave it to Sheldon to find the humor in any
situation. He always knew how to make me feel better, even when my life had turned
into something I didnt even recognize. Even when it started to read like a script from
one of Grams TV shows.
So you dumped him, right? Sheldon asked his tone all serious and worried now.
Duh. Im not stupid.
Well, good for you. So now you can really concentrate on finding that rebound
guy.
No. There would be no rebounding for me. At least not in the way Sheldon meant.
Tyler was my rebound guy.
Was he any good in bed?
I dont know. Im not going to sleep with a cheater.
No, youre not going to sleep with a man who hasnt put a ring on your finger.
I wrinkled my nose. Is there something wrong with that?

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No. I dont mean it like that. I guess its just the way you are, and nothing I say is
going to change that.
Damned right. At least you finally admit it. But it was a hollow victory. Because I
wondered, if I couldnt find and keep the right man, was I destined to spend the rest of
my life alone?
Even my mother had found the perfect man in my father. Up until the day he died,
when I was sixteen, hed loved her with all his heart. And I didnt run around spouting
off about this disease or that, either. Didnt I deserve a chance at happiness?
Maybe, but I was going about it all wrong. Problem was I didnt know what to do
about it.
Shel? I said quietly.
Yeah, honey?
I think I need to change that part of myself.
Are you sure?
I dont know if I like who I am. Or at least who I was, when I had lived for my
career and the prestigious man I was going to marry.
Had I changed? Only time would tell. But Grams was right, more than even
Sheldon this time. Maybe it was time to stop looking for a man, rebound or otherwise,
and start living for myself.

*****
I wish you were still around. I knelt by my fathers grave and ran my fingers
down the side of the smooth marble headstone. Mom told me that when she feels lost,
she comes to talk to you. I thought Id give it a try.
For most of my life Id been avoiding the cemetery. My fathers heart attack had left
a big hole in my life, but I had a hard time facing how much it hurt me. So Id buried it
inside, pretended it didnt exist, and now I wished more than ever that I hadnt.

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I sat on a patch of green grass next to his plot and wrapped my arms around my
knees. A warm breeze blew my hairyes, still curlyaround my face. Some of the
strands clung to the tears trailing down my cheeks.
My father and I had been close when I was a little girl. So close that Id never
wanted him to leave the house without me. Before I started preschool, Id spent as
much time being with him in his hardware store as I did at home with my mother. But
somewhere along the way, all of that changed.
I grew, got too busy playing with friends in the neighborhood and cursing how
strict hed become. By the time I was a teenager, we didnt know each other at all.
I was sleeping out at Jills house when I got the call. My mother wanted me home
right away. Hed had a massive heart attack watching a football game. Theyd tried to
revive him, but it was no use. My father, the man whod always been my hero, was
gone forever. And I hadnt even gotten a chance to tell him goodbye.
You know, Dad, I still miss you. I think I always will. I let out a watery sigh. I
know you probably dont want to hear this, but my life is a huge mess right now. I
think Im screwed up.
I doubt that.
I jumped up off the ground, at first thinking it was my father that spoke. But it
wasnt. It was just Parker, who apparently had a thing for sneaking up on unsuspecting
women and scaring them to death. At least I was in the right place for it.
I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. What are you doing here?
Visiting my mother.
Im sorry. Guilt slashed through my gut. There I went again, judging people
before I really got a chance to find out their motivations. I really am, Parker.
One of his massive shoulders lifted in a shrug.
We stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity before he spoke.

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I know I have no right to ask this, but do you want to get a cup of coffee or
something?
What was this? Something very, very unexpected. Something tempting, and for that
very reason I should turn him down. I opened my mouth to say no. Okay.
Now where had that come from?
Good. His smile warmed my insides in a way I wasnt quite comfortable with.
Still, I could use a cup of coffee and a live person to talk to, someone to bring me out of
my maudlin state of mind, so I followed him outside the cemetery gates.
We walked the few blocks to Sharlas Coffee Shop, grabbed a table by the window
and ordered. A few minutes later the coffee arrived and Parker still hadnt said a word.
Why dont you like me? I blurted, and then felt my face flame.
One of his eyebrows quirked, but still he said nothing.
Me, being the talker I was, felt compelled to fill in the silence. I mean, you hardly
speak to me at all, and when you do its less than friendly. Insulting, even.
A frown marred his features, darkening them even more but somehow softening
them at the same time. Insults werent intended.
You dont speak much, do you?
No.
He laughed, and I really liked the sound of it. I liked his voice, all smooth and deep,
and I wanted to hear more. Wanted to get him to open up and talk to me. Maybe
Charlotte was right. He was too focused on his work and needed to get out once in a
while.
Why dont you?
He shrugged, took a long sip of his coffee. I speak when I have something to say.
Do you miss your mother?

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His gaze locked with mine, his eyes dark and hard, but then the emotion faded into
something that resembled pain. Yeah. Its only been three years. Its hard. You know
what I mean.
Yeah. No other words were needed. Anything that needed to be said passed
between us wordlessly. He understood me, and he needed a friend just as much as I
did. The thought that we might have found some common ground warmed me inside.
So there we sat, in silence againyet somehow much more comfortable than the
past strained silenceswhile we finished our coffee. When the waitress came back, I
declined a refill.
You sure you dont want another? Parker asked, his tone either hopeful or it was
my fertile imagination. How about something to eat? Im paying.
My gaze drifted to the excellent-looking pies on the counter, then back to the man
sitting across from me. His dark expression gave away nothing, but I couldnt help but
be drawn to him.
Oh no. Not him. That would be really bad. I couldnt fall for him, for two big
reasons. The first was that, despite what he said, he didnt like me very much. The
invitation to coffee must have been temporary insanity on his part.
The second reason was even bigger. I wasnt going to get involved with any man. If
anything, I might start to consider a fling like Sheldon had suggested. But I couldnt
have a fling with Parker. For one thing, he was my boss. For another, well it all led back
to reason one.
I dont think so. I need to get home soon. I promised my grandmother Id watch
TV with her tonight. The finale of Party Island was on tonight. No way in hell was I
missing that one.
He shrugged again, shook his head. Maybe another time.
That sounds nice. I think. I still didnt know what to make of this unusual bond
wed apparently forged, but Id take it. It was better than fighting any day.

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He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket, paid the tab, and we left the restaurant.
He was silent on the way back to the carbig shocker therebut for once I didnt feel
the need to cover the silences.
When we got back to our cars, he opened my door for me.
Thanks for the company, Amanda.
I didnt miss the fact that he used my first name this time. Maybe he didnt hate me
so much, after all. And maybe, just maybe, I didnt hate him either. Thanks for the
coffee.
I pulled my keys out of my pocket, but lost my grip on the slender gold ring. They
slid from my hand and hit the dirt below us. I crouched down to get them, and Parker
stooped at the same time. Our shoulders collided and my back hit the rear door of the
car.
Talk about an awkward position. With my back pinned between the car and Parker,
and his face so close to mine, my heart kicked into overdrive. God, he smelled good. I
bet hed taste just as good.
Bad, bad Amanda.
The man was my boss. My surly, rude boss.
My very sexy boss.
He must have been thinking the same thing as me, because before I had a chance to
ask him to move away his lips were on mine.
That was when I felt it for the first time in my life. A spark. A real, genuine frisson
of electricity that ran from his mouth to mine and made every nerve in my body tingle.
It shocked me so much I broke away before the kiss even had a chance to get started.
Parker looked as startled as I felt, confusion racing across his gaze and his mouth
hanging open.
He stood and ran a hand through his hair, his gaze everywhere but on me. Im
sorry. I think I shocked you.

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Ya think? I tried to cover my discomfort with a laugh, but didnt think I quite
managed it. Its no big deal.
But it was. I could very easily see myself falling for Parker Stone, but it would be a
mistake. A one-sided kind of lust that was self-destructive at best. And that wouldnt be
good, under any circumstances. I needed the job, both for monetary reasons and sanity
ones. I wasnt going to jeopardize it by attacking him, pushing him to the ground and
having my way with him, no matter how appealing an idea that suddenly was. The
spark wasnt real. It couldnt have been. It was all a figment of my imagination.
And I had to keep reminding myself of that a few minutes later as I drove home, the
feel of his warm, firm lips never leaving mine no matter how much I tried to will it
away.

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Chapter Eight
A week later I still couldnt get Parker off my mind. What a way to ruin a perfectly
good day off, thinking about the office. Well, not exactly the office. More like the man
inside the office, the one who liked to make my life a living hell.
Okay, so maybe not so much anymore. But I clung to it, knowing it was the only
thing that would get me through the busy days ahead. If I convinced myself I still didnt
like the guy, Id be so much better off.
Apparently it was going to take a lot more than swearing I wouldnt think about the
kiss, and the fact that it was so obviously a mistake, to pull me out of this weird funk. I
needed a plan. Something to get my mind off men and kisses and sparks that didnt
really exist. So I did what I do best, and planned a day of shopping. But I did much
better shopping when I went with a girlfriend rather than going alone, so I roped poor
Jill into coming along for the ride.
We got to the mall at ten, just as it opened. Jill didnt say much of anything until we
went inside, walked straight to the food court and ordered breakfast from the coffee
shop. We sat at a table and she looked at me over her cup.
Somethings up with you.
I shrugged. Small town life isnt all its cracked up to be. I had the urge to shop,
and not at Harrisons Groceries or Millie Edwards consignment store.
She laughed and took a bite of her chocolate croissant. Please. Yes, weve been out
of touch, but Ive known you for years. I know when somethings bothering you,
Amanda. Spill.
You dont mind? Id tried to call Sheldon the night before, but he hadnt
answered his phone. I really could use someone to talk to, but I didnt know if I wanted
to bring Jill into the whole issue with Tyler.
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Of course I dont mind. What are friends for?

A small smile touched my lips. Id missed Jill and her open honesty. In Boston I had
friends, but there werent many like my friends here. No one besides Sheldon had even
bothered calling my cell to check on me after I moved. I guess something like this really
showed you who your true friends were. A lot of them had taken Jeremys side, though
I guess I couldnt blame them. Slashing his tires may have been going overboard. Just a
tiny bit.
I took a sip of my peppermint tea. There are a couple of things bothering me. I
dont even know where to start.
Jills smile encouraged me to go on.
Okay, okay. Drag it out of me, why dont you? Sometimes I wonder if the whole
world has turned into one of Grams TV shows.
What do you mean?
Well, get this. I talked to Jarred and really laid into him about helping my mother
around the house.
Well, good. He should start doing something around there.
Thats the thing. It turns out he isnt really being a lazy bum at all. I leaned across
the table, my hands crossed over each other. Get this. Hes going to school.
Jill looked like a strong wind could have knocked her out of her chair. She set her
cup on the tabletop. Are you kidding me?
No. I was as surprised as you are. Hes studying criminal justice, and plans to go
to the police academy after he graduates.
Seriously? I dont know if I could picture Jarred with a gun.
Neither did I, but I was glad to see him trying to make something of himself. He
was trying to do something good. Heck, he was doing something good. Wed never
been close, but now that he was starting to act like an adult, though the transformation
was a little delayed, I couldnt help but be happy for him.

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Your mother must be thrilled, Jill said.

Dont say anything to her. Jarred asked me not to tell Mom.
Why? Wouldnt he want her to know what hes been doing? Hes going to have a
real job soon.
The answer, at least to me, was obvious. This is my mother were talking about.
Can you imagine how much fun shed have on the internet looking up the dangers to
police officers, the dangers of hand guns? Shed go out of her mind and none of us
would ever hear the end of it.
Jill snorted. Good point. I wont say anything. So tell me, what else is going on? I
know that cant be all thats on your mind.
Leave it to Jill not to forget once I dropped the first bombshell. I shrugged.
Hows Tyler?
Id taken a small sip of the warm tea at the same time shed asked her question, and
it went down the wrong pipe. I tried to answer around my sputtering and coughing. I
have no idea.
Youre not seeing him anymore?
Um, no. You were right, you know. About Misty.
Im sorry, Amanda.
No, its fine. Im just glad I found out now, rather than later.
So is that what has you so rattled?
Yes. I paused, recognizing my first answer for the lie it was. No. Its really not.
Theres something else.
Okay. Want to talk about it?
Of course I did. But Jill worked in the same office as Parker and me, and I didnt
want to bring her into it. Still, she was my friend and I hadnt called her in a long, long
time. It might go a long way to mending fences I never should have broken down in the
first place if I started confiding in her again.
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Parker kissed me, I blurted.

My face flamed. My heart lurched into my throat. But I survived. Lightning didnt
strike me dead on the spot, like Id somehow expected.
Jills eyes widened and a short burst of laughter escaped from her lips. Did he,
now?
I nodded. Why couldnt I be more tactful about the whole thing? I was thirty years
old, damn it, not thirteen.
So how do you feel about it? Jill asked.
I havent a clue.
She leaned over, her expression conspiratorial. Humor and fascination danced in
her eyes and a smile played across her lips. Okay, now you definitely have to spill.
Was it good?
Good? It was better than good. The all-too-brief touch of lips had packed a
powerful punch. It had spark. Which was probably nothing more than a figment of my
imagination, but it was still the best kiss Id had in too long to remember. It
wasgood. Yeah, good.
Great?
It didnt even last for two seconds.
She laughed. That doesnt matter. It doesnt have to be a porn-star-tongue-down
the-throat kiss to be good.
My jaw dropped. I almost fell out of my chair. What happened to Jill, working
mother and wife? Maybe she hadnt changed that much after all. I dont think Ive ever
had a kiss quite like that, but okay. I suppose youre right.
Parkers veryintense. I would imagine he kisses that way, too.
Intense? I wouldnt really have described the kiss as intense. A spur-of-the-moment,
what-the-hell-are-you-doing mistake, maybe, but something that short didnt really
classify as intense.

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Her words got me thinking, though, which in this situation was a dangerous thing
to do. Parker was intense. Dark and demanding. A true alpha male. Id never been
attracted to that kind of man before, but I was now. Man, was I ever. Thinking about
him, about those big hands on me, those firm lips over mine, kept me awake all night.
He was sexier than any man Id ever run into, and a large part of the appeal was the
darkness, the take-charge abruptness. I liked it more than Id ever admit to anyone,
even Jill or Sheldon.
But if there was anything I was good at when it came to men and relationships, it
was denial. And this would be no exception. I planned to deny every bit of my
attraction to the guy. After all, denial was what I did best.
It wasnt intense. It was quick. Over in seconds. Too bad I couldnt forget it as fast
as Id pulled away and sent him running in the other direction. I think it surprised him
as much as it surprised me. And I doubt it will happen again any time soon.
Oh, I dont know about that. Havent you noticed the change in him? Hes been
very quiet at work lately.
So what?
He hasnt given you a hard time about Tyler, either?
Because he knows I dumped his ass last week.
Jill didnt say anything. She just smiled, which wedged a shard of irritation into my
planned stress-relief day. I brushed it aside, took the last couple sips of my tea, and
stood. You know what I need?
To spend the night in bed with Parker?
I narrowed my eyes. Ha-ha. Very funny. No. I dont need a man. Ive had enough
of them to last a lifetime. I need a haircut. Wanna come with me?
Sure. This should be interesting.
Where is there a decent salon around here? I asked her as we dumped our trash
and walked away from the food court into the mall.

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Jill shrugged and lifted a lock of straight, shiny brown hair. Youre asking me? I
trim the ends of this myself. Theres one upstairs thats supposed to be good, I think.
Supposed to be good. She thought. Not exactly the glowing recommendation Id been
hoping for, but itd have to do. After all, a change was in order. It might have been my
impulsive streak taking over, but I didnt want to wait. My hair had been styled the
same way for too long, and though I liked it, it didnt seem to fit with the woman I was
becoming. I had something different in mind.

*****
Why did I let you talk me into this? I fingered one glossy, coffee-colored curl, my
gaze stuck on my reflection in the department storefront window.
Jill laughed. I didnt say a thing about it. It was all your idea.
True. It had been. Apparently Id lost my mind on a temporary basis, yet again,
because there was no other reason for me to have let this happen. Granted it was cute,
in an Ill Never Get Used to This sort of way. It fit the small town lifestyle, and would
require absolutely zero work beyond washing and conditioning it. But it didnt look like
me. At least not the me Id gotten used to in the past decade or so.
It looks great, Amanda. You look five years younger.
I beamed. Shed said the magic words. If a change to my hair could make me look
like I wasnt rapidly approaching middle age, well then bring it on. What was next?
Maybe I should run over to Old Navy and buy some of those ultra-low-rise flare pants
for work.
Yeah right. There were some things I could never see myself doing, no matter what.
I was used to business suits, or at least dress casual, no matter what the dress code was
at Parkers office.
Jill poked my arm. You look shell-shocked.
You would be, too. How would you feel if you had a foot chopped off your hair?
Oh, stop exaggerating.
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I glanced in the window again. Im not.

Amanda.
I was starting to feel like my mother, making a big deal out of nothing. The stylist
had trimmed maybe two inches off the length. But the two inches she chopped took a
lot of the weight off my hair, and the curls danced around my head with renewed
spring. Now my hair barely passed my shoulders. It would definitely take a lot of
getting used to.
And the color I hadnt seen my natural color, at least not on my head, since I was
a senior in high school. It was going to take a lot more than a little getting used to.
I guess its okay, I admitted, though begrudgingly. Its just really different.
Its what you were born with. Obviously God gave it to you for a reason. Jills
advice was on target, as usual, but it didnt mean I had to like it. Why is it that so
many people spend so much time fighting what they naturally have? Do you know how
many women would kill for hair like yours?
That was because they didnt have hair like mine. Did those women know what it
was like to have to deal with a spirally mess that never did what the owner wanted it
to, and frizzed to the point of a big ball of fluff in humid weather?
No. Of course they didnt. They woke up and their straight hair didnt look like
theyd spent the night playing tag with a live electrical wire. I snorted. Some people.
It wasnt that much effort to straighten it. I could already feel myself going in to
styling product withdrawals. Id given up the flattening iron not too long ago, but Id
spent a lot of time pulling it back to avoid looking at the curly mop on top of my head
every time I passed a mirror. Now I would be able to do that. Id see Jill in the office a
few times a week, and if she saw my hair in a bun Id never hear the end of it. This was
so not going to be a pretty week for me.
How long did you spend on it every morning?
Only an hour. Hour and a half tops.

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On your hair? Jills eyes widened to the point that I thought they might pop out of
her head. She coughed. Please tell me you arent serious.
What? Whats wrong with wanting my hair to look good?
What did you do, plate it in gold every morning?
Cute. No, but looking good takes a lot of work.
Are you suggesting I dont look good?
I glanced at Jill, with her no-nonsense hair-style, minimal makeup, which did a lot
for her naturally delicate features, and her small bone structure highlighted in a pair of
jeans and a baby blue tank top. She did look good. Not glamorous like Id always
strived for, but now I was beginning to realize glamour didnt matter much anyway. Id
just done that to impress first my clients, and then my rich fianc. Now that I had
neither, what was the point in even trying to impress anyone?
No, of course Im not saying that. Im just saying that things that work for a lot of
people dont work for me.
You just think they dont. She took my arm and pulled me into a store. If theres
one thing we still have in common, its this. Lets go shopping.
As if tuned in to the same frequency, we zeroed in on the sale racks at the back of
the womens department. I might have gotten used to having money, but I still lived for
sales. There was something about seeing thirty percent off on a rack that made me
spend triple what I would have had there not been a clearance going on. It had
something to do with my childhood. To get nice clothing for me and my brother, my
mom had to wait for the merchandise to be discounted. Now it was like a bad habit I
couldnt break.
I picked up a few things I really didnt need and then we headed over to the
lingerie department at Jills insistence.
My anniversary is next week, she told me. I want to get something really nice for
Roy.

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I smiled even though a bolt of jealousy speared through my middle and my heart
ached. It just didnt seem fair that everyone around me was happy in relationships,
married even, and I was still stuck out in the proverbial cold. Alone. By myself. Where
was the justice in that?
My inner Sheldon reminded me that subconsciously I didnt want what they had,
or I would have picked a good man the first time instead of getting engaged to a string
of losers. But I didnt want to hear it. I needed a moment to feel sorry for myself. A few
weeks ago, my entire life had fallen apart at my feet. Didnt that entitle me to a little bit
of self-pity?
I took a deep breath. No more backsliding, Amanda. Id promised myself. I really was
happier now than Id been in a long time. No sense ruining it by dredging up all my
old, ugly mistakes.
Jill tapped me on the shoulder, breaking me out of my reverie before melancholy
had a chance to take over my mood. She thrust a small hanger with a little red
nightgown on it into my hands.
Here.
I took it, though why she was giving it to me confused the heck out of me. Whats
this for?
She gave me a sly smile. Parkers favorite color is red.
A strange tingling sensation washed over me. I bit my lip to keep from smiling.
Dont start. Im not going to do anything with my boss. Been there, done that, have the
lifelong emotional scars to prove it.
Parkers different. He wouldnt hurt you. Just give him a chance.
Yeah. Like that would ever happen.

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Chapter Nine
Dread about going to work on Monday morning to debut my new look had set in at
about ten on Saturday night. My family had, of course, claimed to love it, but they had
to say that. They were family. Today was the real test. People who had no obligation to
say nice things to me would see my hair, and I knew one person who had no problem
offering me his personal opinion. Now, walking up the path to the office, dread had
taken over. My hands shook and my knees where ready to give out and drop me to the
hard, cold sidewalk. Why? Because Id finally admitted to myself the real reason why
Id gone all impulsive and changed my hair.
Parker had said he liked me better as a brunette.
No, it wasnt only because it he said it. It was because someone had noticed something
about the old me. Noticed it, and liked it. I had wanted a change, and Id gotten it, but
not in the expected way.
Of course now it had all sunk in and regret hit me hard. Regret, and a healthy dose
of anxiety. Jill was out on appointments all morning, and it would be just the two of us
in the office. I didnt really want to face Parker. He would probably think Id changed
my hair just because he said he liked it the other way.
Then again, maybe I was getting ahead of myself. Parker had probably forgotten
hed made the comment in the first place. Like I was that important to him that hed
remember some stupid insult he made weeks ago? Yeah, right.
I turned the knob and stepped into the office.
He was nowhere to be found, probably behind his closed door, which was just fine
with me. I sat at my desk and started organizing my things for my day when he opened
his office door and stepped around my desk.
Morning.
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I barely glanced up at him. Hello.

If my cold tone affected him, he didnt show it. He walked over to Jills desk, set
down a folder hed been carrying, and stopped by the window looking out over the
street.
Did you have a busy weekend? he asked.
Why?
He sighed, pushed a hand through his hair and turned to me. When our gazes
locked, he shook his head. Look, Im just trying to make conversation, okay? You
obviously dont want to talk about the kiss, so I havent brought it up.
Obviously? Was he nuts? Id been obsessing about it since it happened. Why do
you think I dont want to talk about it?
Youve been avoiding me all week.
Wasnt that the pot calling the kettle black? I stood and walked over to him, my
hands on my hips. Like youve been so overly friendly this past week.
True. I just He shook his head again, let out a harsh breath. I honestly didnt
know what to say. Look, maybe we should just forget about it all, huh?
Not likely. Sure. Whatever you want.
His expression darkened, his mouth now forming a grim line. Its for the best, isnt
it? We have to work together. I dont want our working relationship strained by
something personal.
Too late.
Yeah, fine. Why did it feel like he was trampling all over my heart? I didnt even
like the guy.
My answer only seemed to irritate him more. He shoved his hands into his pants
pockets and glared at me. Its for the best, he repeated. I didnt know which one of us
he was trying to convince, but I got the distinct impression it wasnt working for him
any better than it was working for me.

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It was a mistake, Parker. A spur-of-the-moment thing and nothing more. We both

know that.
He didnt look convinced, and damn it, I didnt feel convinced. But pursuing
anything with my hardheaded jerk boss would be a mistake. Just like the kiss was a
mistake.
Just like it was a mistake to keep wishing hed kiss me again.
I tried to fight off the urge to lean forward.
Parker reached out and grasped one of my curls between his thumb and forefinger,
sending a little wave of tingles through my stomach. I like this. It looks good.
It has nothing to do with you telling me you liked my hair better this color.
An amused smile tipped up his lips. I didnt assume it had.
My face flamed. Of course Id had to blurt out something stupid like that. No. I
didnt think you would have thought that. I just
Amanda?
Yeah?
Youre rambling.
Did he expect anything different? He had me so confused I didnt know if Id even
be able to find my way back to my desk. I scrunched up my nose. Im sorry if it pisses
you off when I ramble.
He let out a short laugh. No, it really doesnt.
No?
Not at all.
I didnt have time to voice my confusion over the whole thing, because in the next
second hed cupped my face in his palm and lowered his lips to mine.
There was nothing brief or tentative about this kiss. It was more of a long, slow,
heated and completely sensual exploration of my mouth by his lips and tongue. It was
nice. More than nice. It had my panties wet, and that was embarrassing in itself. I
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shouldnt be reacting this way to a kiss. Especially not the first real kiss wed shared,
but I couldnt help it. I was lost. My body swayed toward his. My nipples beaded
against the lacy fabric of my bra, and I had to fight to keep from doing something
stupid.
Though it might possibly have been the stupidest thing Id done since slashing
Jeremys tires, I kissed him back. The spark was still there. That surprised me. I didnt
think it would be. Id convinced myself that it was a big fluke. But apparently Id been
wrong. I wanted him even more for that, no matter how bad of an idea it was.
When he finally broke the kiss and stepped back, the lust and confusion in his
expression mirrored what I felt inside. I licked my lips and sucked in a breath.
Sorry, Amanda. I know you dont want that. It wont happen again. He started to
walk away.
My mouth clicked into action before my brain had a chance to think things through.
Hey, hold on a second.
Yeah?
I never said I didnt want it. I just said it was a bad idea. I learned the hard way
not to get involved with someone Im working for, even if the job is only temporary.
His expression darkened and that muscle in his jaw ticked. It doesnt have to be
like this.
Yes, unfortunately it does. I walked over and grabbed my purse from under my
desk. Im going on break.
Break? You just got here.
Yeah, well, Im suddenly feeling the need for a little fresh air.
Fine. Be back in fifteen. Parker walked into his office and slammed the door.
I would have gloated if I hadnt gotten the feeling he was fighting this attraction
just as hard as I was. Maybe even more so. But I still didnt get why. He was the one

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whod always been such a jerk to me. Now apparently I had the power to cut him down
if I truly wanted to hurt him.
It would never happen. He wasnt nearly as bad as Id assumed. In fact, the guy
was starting to grow on me.
Which might turn out to be a real problem when it came time for Charlotte to return
to work. I really needed to decide what I was going to do. The goofing around and
avoiding major decisions had to stop now. If I was going to stay in New Hampshire,
and it looked more and more like I was, Id need to get my New Hampshire real estate
license. Maybe it was time to start looking into those classes and get moving. In a
couple months, Id be out of a job unless I passed the license test.
I left the office and walked down the street to the coffee shop. I went inside, sat
down, and ordered a coffee and a slice of chocolate cream pie. So what if it was just
after nine in the morning? I was desperately in need of a sugar fix and only something
so fatand-calorie-laden would do.
Not long after the waitress delivered my snack, a friend of Grams stopped by the
table. She gave me a big smile and patted the top of my head. Hello, Amanda. Its
good to see you again.
Hi, Mrs. March.
I heard you had some troubles in the city.
Of course she had. The gossip mill usually started with Jeanie March. A little.
Your mother must be thrilled to have you home.
Sure. Shes always looking for fresh blood to try all her fake disease ideas out on.
Just this morning shed decided she must have come down with feline encephalitis.
When I left for work shed been on hold with the doctors answering service. I suppose
so.
Listen, if you arent busy tonight, you should come to the quilting club meeting
with your grandmother.

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Quilting? Did I look eighty?

And then it hit me. She thought I was destined to be a spinster. To grow old all
alone. I swallowed hard, the idea of being by myself for the rest of my life turning my
stomach. I dont know.
There are a few younger members now. I think youd have a good time. It would
give you a chance to get reacquainted with everyone in town.
So they could have even more to gossip about? Doubtful.

*****
That horrible temporary insanity had struck again, because at seven that night I
found myself following Grams into the recreation center for the weekly meeting of the
East Eden Quilting Club. We walked into the large main area of the center, which
served as an all-purpose room for East Eden activities, including the singles dance next
weekend my mother was pushing me to go to. Id caved with the quilting club thing,
but I had to draw the line somewhere.
Metal folding chairs were set up in a circle around the room and Grams and I took
seats in two of them close to the door. I wanted an escape route in case things got really
weird.
Which, I was about to learn, would most certainly happen over the course of the
evening.
Once everyone was thereI had yet to see a single person under the age of fifty
despite being assured there were a fewMrs. March stood up. Id like to call the
meeting to order. Any new business?
Gertie Hanson pushed out of her chair. Last months quilt sale fundraiser made
over a thousand dollars for the animal shelter.
And so it went. Everyone oohed and ahhed over the announcements for a few
minutes, and then Mrs. March sat down. Everyone took various quilting supplies out of
bags, and Grams handed me a couple triangles of fabric, a needle, and a spool of thread.
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Here you go. Since you arent working on anything of your own yet, you can help
me with mine. Im making Jarred a new quilt for his bed. Its so cold in that part of the
house. Just stitch the long sides together on the lines Ive drawn as guides.
I glanced down at the fabric in my lap, a mix of pink and purple floral fabrics. I
snorted. Oh yeah. Jarred was going to love this.
Still, I bit my tongue. It was the thought that counted, right? And she asked for my
help. How perfect was that? I was learning that I didnt mind helping.
I also learned, a few minutes later, that sewing wasnt as easy as it looked. I had
bandages on three of my fingers within ten minutes and most of my fingers had started
to ache.
And I also learned something else. These ladies might be good at quilting, but they
were masters of something else. Id stepped right into the center of the East Eden gossip
mill. If there was one thing these women apparently enjoyed more than quilting, it was
talking about the lives of others. At least this time, the stories didnt center around me
and my breakup. But in a way, it was much worse.
They were all talking about Tyler.
I heard that Jackson boys in a bit of trouble, Anna Donovan said. His ex-wife is
getting remarried, and shes planning to sue for custody of those little hellions.
Another woman laughed. Itd do them some good to be in a real family.
I gulped. Was that why Tyler had wanted to see me again? Was he hoping Id
marry him to help him keep custody of his kids?
Had he used me?
That thought shouldnt have surprised me, but for some reason it did. My insides
turned to ice. I was sure if I hadnt been at the meeting the conversation would have
centered around that much juicier aspect of Tylers issues.

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I tuned out the noise around me, focusing only on attaching the quilt pieces
together, for the next hour. By the time the meeting ended, I was more than ready to get
out of there. We drove the short distance to the house in silence.
When we got there, a car sat in the driveway. A car I recognized. A big smile spread
over my face and I couldnt even begin to try to contain it. The one person I needed
more than anyone else in the world had come to find me.
Sheldon was here.

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Chapter Ten
I shut the car off and jumped out, running over to him as he climbed out of his own
car. He opened his arms and I jumped into them, happier than Id ever been to see my
best friend. My rock. The man who could talk me through the tough decisions Id have
to make. About my future career. About my living situation. And most of all, about the
boss I didnt want to be attracted to.
What are you doing here? I asked him when he set me on the ground.
He laughed. Good to see you, too, honey.
Oh, shut up. You know Im happy to see you. Ive never been happier to see
anyone. Ever.
Just like Im happy to see you. I missed you, Mandy.
A throat clearing behind me made me spin around. Grams stood there with a coy
look on her face. Whos your friend?
Grams, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon let go of me and took Grams hand, brought it to his lips and kissed the
top. I then watched my grandmother nearly swoon and had to stifle a giggle. Such a
gentleman. A dying breed in this modern world.
Grams clucked her tongue and grinned shyly at Sheldon. So sweet. Where have
you been hiding him, Amanda?
Her tone of voice told me she assumed Sheldon was more than the good friend he
was. But I didnt correct her assumption. East Eden wasnt the most progressive place,
and my mother and grandmother werent the most progressive people. The fact that
Sheldon was gay wouldnt sit well with them, no matter how un-PC it was.

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Hes just a friend from Boston, I assured her, turning back to Sheldon. Are you
going to come inside?
I thought youd never ask.
We stepped into the house a minute later and I looked up at him. I could easily
understand why my grandmother thought there was more between us than there was.
Sheldon James was a thing of beauty, a true living work of art from his godlike chiseled
body to his blond hair and bright blue eyes. I smiled. Yes, he was awesome, but Id
learned that dark and mysterious affected me more than fair and beautiful any day.
When did you get into town? I asked him.
About two seconds before you pulled up. Good timing, huh?
The best, as usual. I was referring to more than just us getting back to my house
at the same time.
Sheldon being Sheldon, he knew it too. So whats going on, Mandy?
Not much. Why?
The past couple of times when we talked on the phone, I got the impression you
needed some company.
He had no idea how much. I reached up and hugged him again, just because it was
so wonderful to see him and Id missed him so much. He smelled great, as usual,
smelled of the classic Obsession hed worn for as long as Id known him. I couldnt help
it. I shivered just a little. Obsession did funny things to my insides, no matter who was
wearing it.
When I finally got up the courage to let him go and face the world again, I turned
around to find my mother standing in the foyer, a similar smile on her face to the one
Id just seen on Grams. Her smile widened when she glanced in Sheldons direction.
Im Amandas mother, Leslie.
Leslie? She never wanted any of my other male friends, or boyfriends, to call her by
her first name. Shed always been stringent, insisting they call her Mrs. Ross. Sheldon

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seemed to have that affect on people. It was why he was so good at selling real estate.
His natural charm won everyone over within seconds of meeting him.
Sheldon James. Nice to meet you.
Why dont you come in, Sheldon? Ill put on a pot of coffee.
Thanks. Id love to.
We settled at the kitchen table while my mother busied herself setting up the
coffeepot to perk. I glanced at Sheldon and he smiled.
I love the new look.
My face flamed. When would everyone stop pointing it out? Maybe then Id have a
chance at forgetting Id done something so impulsive and stupid. It isnt me.
Wanna bet? It suits you perfectly. He paused. So how are you holding up after
the fiasco with the old flame?
Gee, I ran right out and made out with my boss, a man whos so totally wrong for
me its comical. And then, to make matters worse for both my work situation and my
state of mind, I told said boss what a mistake it was and that it should never happen
again. I rolled my eyes. Fine. The whole rebound thing, remember?
His eyes sparkled. Yeah, right.
So where are you staying?
I got a room at the little hotel at the edge of town. It looks like a nice place.
The bed and breakfast?
He nodded.
Good. Its okay there. A few of the places in the area were a little seedy, but Ellen
Ingalls was a decent enough place to stay. At least Sheldon could be assured clean
sheets.
It seems nice.
How long are you staying?
Unfortunately, I have to leave tomorrow night.
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Oh, damn. And I have to work all day tomorrow.

He frowned. You cant get the time off?
Yeah, right. Parker would probably rather shoot me than grant that request. Last
time I asked to leave just an hour early hed practically bitten my head off. My boss is a
tyrant.
My mother chose that moment to set the coffee mugs on the table in front of us.
Parker? Hes such a sweet boy.
I bit back a laugh. Even as a boy, hed never been sweet. If anything, age had
mellowed his acid personality, but it hadnt dulled it completely.
Nor had it messed with the sex appeal I was still battling to ignore.
Sweet? Are you crazy?
She gave me a withering look. His mother was a very good friend of mine. Parker
Stone has been nothing but sweet to me, Amanda. And he was nice enough to give you
a job when you needed one.
Oh yeah. Make me out to be the bad guy in this one, why dont you? I snorted. It
wasnt like I was destitute or anything.
She shook her head and walked across the kitchen to get the cream and sugar.
Sheldon laughed softly and leaned in to whisper to me. She makes him sound like
a pussycat.
Believe me, Shel. Parker Stone is anything but.
My mother returned and set the cream pitcher and sugar bowl on the table, so I
wisely shut my mouth. I wouldnt win an argument with her, so I saved my energy to
put it all into the denial that came so naturally to me.
So tell me about yourself. She sat down at the table and smiled at Sheldon, her
expression expectant. I nearly groaned. I could just see the wheels turning in her mind
as she looked him over. Husband material. That was what her expression was all but
screaming.

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I work in real estate in Boston.

Is that how you and Amanda met?
Sure is. I was born and raised there, never plan to leave.
Not even for Amanda?
Oh, Amanda and I arent involved like that. Were just friends.
My mother gave him a look that said I dont believe you better than words ever
could. But Sheldon being the easygoing guy he was didnt push the issue. He also
didnt mention his sexual preferences, which was a good thing. My mother would
probably faint if she found out he slept with men.
I should have known nothing could be that easy. Within mere seconds Sheldon
slipped.
I dont date women.
And that was when chaos ensued.

*****
I flopped onto the soft mattress in Sheldons hotel room and stared up at the ceiling.
Sorry my mother reacted like that, Shel.
He laughed. Ive seen it enough to understand. But Ive never actually had anyone
faint on me before.
My mother is a professional hypochondriac, I told him, folding my hands under
my head. She can faint on command.
He laughed again, a rich, hearty sound Id missed so much. Good thing he was so
understanding. Otherwise he might have taken off when I really needed him.
Dont worry about her, or your grandmother. I can win her over.
I glanced at him with as much skepticism as I could put into my expression.
Seriously, Mandy. Im terrific with parents.
But you dont understand my mother. Trust me. Shell eat you alive.
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Nah. Its nothing to worry about. You know what, why dont you invite me to
dinner tomorrow night before I leave?
That was so a mistake. Why couldnt he see what kind of trouble he was setting
himself up for? You dont really want to do that.
Of course I do. Itll give me a chance to spend more time with you, too.
Why dont we just go out instead? I wanted what little time I had with Sheldon to
be relaxing. I did not want to feel like I was sitting in the middle of a war zone.
I want to do this. For you, honey. Trust me. Really.
Okay, fine, I relented though I had a sinking suspicion it was going to turn out to
be a huge mistake. Please come to dinner tomorrow night, Sheldon.
Thanks. Id love to. You worry too much. Trust me. Itll be just fine.
Famous last words if Id ever heard them. Youre digging your own grave,
buddy.
He only smiled. Well see.

*****
Work dragged the next day, each minute feeling like an hour as the second hand
crawled along the face of the clock. I wanted to be hanging around with Sheldon,
enjoying the time I got to spend with him since I hadnt seen him in weeks, and it
would probably be a long time before we got together again.
Parker had made himself scarce for the day, too, which didnt help matters.
Apparently this was a busy time of year in East Eden and its surrounding area, so I was
left alone much too often for my tastes. With no one to talk to, and no one to actively
avoid, boredom settled over me in a big way. It wrapped its fingers around my neck
and threatened to squeeze the life out of me if I didnt get out now.
I did what I could around the office, making a few phone calls to set up
appointments, organizing the already organized filing system once, and then twice, and

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had to sit on my hands to keep from doing it again. I thought about taking an extended
lunch break, but then Parker walked in around noon and everything went downhill.
Morning, Ross, he said by way of greeting.
My stomach tightened. Why would a man whod had his tongue halfway down my
throat the day before be so formal now? As long as I lived I would never be able to
figure him out. I pushed the annoyance away and ignored him as best as I could, giving
him only a perfunctory nod instead before I turned back to my desk and pretended to
be busy.
Have you taken your lunch break yet? he asked.
Part of me hoped he asked because he wanted to take me out himself, but I should
have known better than to get my hopes up over something that was never going to
happen again. Something I was partially responsible for killing with my attitude the
day before when he so obviously wanted to rehash that first kiss. I shook my head.
Why dont you go now? Im in for the rest of the afternoon, so Ill cover the
phones.
What the hell was this? Where did he get off being sosoprofessional?
I didnt have time to be upset about it for long, because as soon as I stood up to
leave the front door opened and Sheldon walked in.
He rushed over to give me a big hug. Hey, honey. I was hoping to take you out to
lunch. Do you have time?
Your timing is perfect, as usual, I told him. I was just getting ready to take my
lunch break.
Excellent. He let go of me and glanced at Parker.
I followed Sheldons gaze and caught a spark of jealousy in Parkers eyes. No, more
than a spark. More like a bonfire. Well, good. He deserved it.
Ill be back in an hour, boss.
Before he could respond, I took Sheldons hand and dragged him out the door.

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*****
Your boss doesnt look like a tyrant.
Why had I known Sheldon would say that? I picked up a fry and bit it in half. You
saw him for two seconds. You didnt even talk to him.
Yeah, but I saw enough.
The glint in his eyes made me laugh. Hes straight, Shel.
Are you sure?
Trust me on this one.
Sheldon rested his arms on the table and leaned forward. So, is he a good kisser?
I swallowed hard. My gaze flew around the small diner, looking anywhere but at
Sheldon. If I looked at him, hed see the truth in my eyes. Why would I know that?
I know that look on your face. I suspected it last night, but now Im sure. Theres
more to your relationship than just a boss and employee.
Yeah, right.
Come on, Mandy. Talk to me.
Why did I even bother? Id been dying to tell him. Why was I having such trouble
now that we were face to face? Okay, okay. Yes, hes a good kisser.
The best. My face flamed. Why did I suddenly feel like a teenager again? I sighed.
We kissed twice, and thats all thats going to happen. So dont get your hopes
up. Even though Ive gotten mine right up there with the clouds. The stars, even. They
were so high right now theyd never come back down. Hes a jerk.
Hed have to be, to not notice the good thing he has right in front of him.
Sheldons words froze my hand halfway to my mouth. A long fry dangled from my
fingers. Excuse me?
Youre interested, arent you?
No. I already told you hes a jerk. Why would I be interested in him?

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Mandy, he said in that singsong, talking-to-a-three-year-old-child voice. Be

honest with me, honey. Hell, be honest with yourself.
Okay. Okay, fine. The fry dropped from my fingers and landed in the red blob of
ketchup on my plate. Maybe Im interested. A little bit.
So then five years from now will you let Uncle Sheldon come and visit you and
your hubby and your darling children?
Please. I dont want children right now. And I most certainly do not want to be
married. You of all people should know that. I wiped my hand on a napkin and tucked
my hair behind my ear. Remember that whole youre-sabotaging-your-happiness-bydating-the-wrong-men speech?
Sure, I remember. Hell, I think I have the damned thing memorized by now. A
teasing smile played at the corners of his lips and a matching humor danced in his eyes.
So tell me, then, Ms. Know-it-all, is he like all the others?
No.
Well, how is he different?
I told you already. Hes a jerk.
Sheldon gave me an exasperated look, though some of the frustration was dimmed
by his laughter. Weve been through that already. Is he the same as all the others or
not? And I dont mean all of this denial stuff, either. I mean, is he trustworthy? Will he
be there for you when you need him? Is he going to lie to you?
I started to say no, but the word stuck in my throat. Hed been there when I needed
him, on more than one occasion. He didnt lie to mehe was truthful to the point of
being insulting sometimes. As for his trustworthiness, yeah, I had a feeling he was. I
shrugged.
Well, maybe you need to find out.
And maybe hes just a guy Im considering for a rebound thing before I find the
man Im destined to get really serious with.

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And maybe youre just fooling yourself into believing something that just isnt true.
Again. Do you notice a pattern repeating here, honey?
I gave him another look. Why did he always have to be right? Shut up, Sheldon.

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Chapter Eleven
Grams, Mom, and I had just settled onto the couch to watch TV. It had become a
routine in the few days since Sheldon had left, a routine I found calmed my frayed
nerves. The office had been miserable since the afternoon Sheldon had come in to take
me out to lunch. Parker thought Id already moved on to someone new. No way was I
going to correct that assumption. If he stayed away from me, Id be able to stay away
from him and in the end everyone would be happy. Since happiness was what I was
striving for, the fact that Parker didnt even look at me anymore had its definite
bonuses.
It had its low points, too, but Id promised myself from now on to start
concentrating on the positive and pretending the negative didnt exist.
How is work, Amanda? my mother asked, as if reading my mind. It amazed me
that she still had the same uncanny knack for knowing what I was thinking despite us
being separated for the better part of twelve years.
Its fine. I think I might go for my New Hampshire license, though. I need to do
something more with my life than sit around in a stuffy office answering phones all
day.
She nodded. I dont blame you. I would personally love to get out and work.
Emphasis on love. I would have laughed had I not known what was coming next.
Youd think I would have learned my lesson after years of living with this, but I took
the bait like a starving goldfish. Why dont you go back to work? Im sure Lou at the
hardware store would love to help you come in and do some work part-time.
Lou was the man who managed my fathers hardware store. Hed taken over right
after my father died, enabling my mother to keep a modest source of income. For a
while shed worked side by side with him but somewhere in the past decade shed lost
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interest. Four years ago shed stopped working all together, leaving Lou and the small
staff to run the store. It brought in enough money for her to live comfortably on,
especially since the house and her car were paid off, but shed been a lot happier when
shed been working. At least then she hadnt been sick all the time. Only about half of
it.
You know very well that I cant spend too much time on my feet. She shook her
head and glanced at me with such disgust it had me sinking back against the couch
cushions. Besides, all the fumes in the air irritate my asthma.
Self-diagnosed asthma, I was sure. Okay, I get that. But Ive also noticed that you
hardly ever go anywhere. Besides dinner with a friend once in a while, you seem to
stick pretty close to home.
Her withering look turned wistful for a second before she schooled her expression.
What do you expect, Amanda? Im a widow.
Why hadnt I seen this sooner? A decade and a half later my mother was still
mourning my fathers death. Dad died fourteen years ago, I said quietly.
She said nothing for a few minutes, just clasped her hands in her lap and stared
down at them. When she lifted her eyes to mine, tears shone in them. I know that. But
it doesnt mean that Ive stopped loving him.
I started to tell her I understood that, but snapped my mouth closed instead. When
was the last time Id looked at my mother as a human instead of the crazy lady who
raised me? Had I ever?
I havent stopped loving him, either. But I dont think it would make him happy to
see you so alone.
Im not alone. I have you, and Grams, and Jarred.
But that wont last forever. I couldnt tell her that, though. Couldnt spoil things even
more for her. She might have been slightly off-center, but I loved her anyway. I always
would.

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Shes been asked out, Grams said, her eyes never leaving the blurred-out body
parts on the raunchy show on TV. That was why she stopped working in your fathers
store.
Huh? I glanced from my mom to Grams and back again. Mom, what is she
talking about?
My mother said nothing, but Grams answered for her. Lou started asking her out
to dinner a few months before she stopped going to work. I kept telling her it would do
her some good to get out, but do you think she listens to me? Of course not. Shed
rather pretend that part of her no longer exists than try again and risk being left alone
and hurting.
Is that true, Mom? Did Lou really ask you out?
She shot Grams a dirty look before she turned her attention back to me. A few
times. But I couldnt say yes. I wouldnt ruin the memories I have of your father by
seeing someone else, and I didnt want to hurt you and your brother.
You wouldnt have hurt us.
Are you sure about that?
When Id been younger, still a teenager living at home, it probably would have
freaked me out in a major way. But I was old enough now to want to see my mother
happy. Yes. Of course I am. Everyone deserves the right to be happy.
She patted my knee. Well, Im afraid that ship has already sailed. Id love to see
you happy, though, Amanda. Its been a long while for you, too.
I could hardly compare my screwed-up love life with the death of my father.
The doorbell rang and my mother and I both jumped up from the couch.
Sit down, I told her. Relax. Im sure youre not feeling well due to
yoursomething. Ill get it.

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I walked to the door and glanced out the side window. Tyler stood on the front
porch, his hair a mess and his shirt buttoned wrong. He smiled when he saw me, but
the expression was fleeting.
I swallowed hard and opened the door. Tyler, whats wrong?
My mind immediately went to his children. Had something happened to them? Is
that why he was such a mess?
Hey, Amanda.
Are the kids okay? I asked. A lump formed in my throat while I waited for his
answer.
Theyre fine. With their mother for the night. He shook his head, his gaze filled
with pain. He ran a hand through his hair, making it spike up at odd angles. I really
need someone to talk to. Do you have a minute?
Sure. Do you want to come in?
Are you alone?
Mom and Grams are here.
Why dont we go for a drive, then? Id rather not deal with a whole bunch of
people right now.
If he hadnt looked so devastated, I would have told him no. I wasnt sure it was a
good idea to be out alone with him, especially given that it would be dark soon, but I
couldnt turn him away. Sure. Give me a second to grab my purse.
Ten minutes later Tyler and I sat on a bench downtown. Most of the stores were
closed and the silence was almost deafening. He had yet to say a word and something
inside warned me not to prod him.
Finally he glanced at me. Sorry about all this.
Dont apologize. At least not until I know whether or not you have something to
apologize for.

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Mistys getting remarried. As he said the words his expression seemed to cave in
on itself, leaving a devastated shell of the man I used to know.
This was the same man whod told me he never loved Misty? Funny, but I was
having a tough time believing that line.
I heard at the quilting club meeting the other night.
Surprised flickered across his gaze, but he didnt comment on it. She wants to take
the boys away from me.
From where I sat, it didnt seem like a bad thing to let her have a little more time
with them. She was their mother, after all, but I didnt say anything to Tyler. I wouldnt
take out my anger with him on innocentor mostly innocentchildren.
She wants to take them for good, or just wants to see them more often?
He let out a huge, pained sigh. For good. She plans to go back to court and fight
for custody. Shed win this time, too. The only reason I got them last time was because
she didnt put up a fight. But even then the judge was skeptical. Courts usually side in
favor of the mother. They will in her case, too. Im not married, and I work a lot. The
boys have to go to day care after school and during vacations. Shes going to quit her
job so she can stay home full-time. Do you really think a judge is going to give me
custody?
Why would I know that? I wasnt married with a family yet. I was still in my selfabsorbed little world of Amandaville, not caring about what happened to anyone else
nearly as much as I cared about what happened to myself. I was working on changing
that, but had yet to make the transformation complete.
Youve had them since your divorce. I cant see a judge trying to take them away
from you.
He clasped my hand and held it tight in his. His gaze met mine and I was again
struck by the agony I found there. No matter what I thought of him, no matter what
hed done to me in the past, he was a man who only wanted to keep his kids and my
heart went out to him for that. Until he spoke again.
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I hope not. I think you might be able to help me with convincing the judge to let
the boys stay with me.
Oh crap. What had I gotten myself into this time? I swallowed hard. What do you
want me to do?
I was kind of hoping youd marry me.
My breath froze in my lungs and my entire body went cold. He did not just ask me
what I think he did. Excuse me?
Think about it for a second. The boys love you. Youd be a great mother. And as
soon as Parkers secretary goes back to work after maternity leave, youll be out of a job.
It would be a perfect situation.
My face flamed and something inside me twisted, sharp and painful. How could he
even think of asking me this? Was he so screwed up in the head that something told
him this was the right thing to do?
I pulled my hand out of his grasp, stood and walked a dozen feet away. Please tell
me you arent serious.
Im very serious. More serious than Ive ever been about anything. He came to
stand beside me, but wisely didnt try to touch me again. Please. This will work for
both of us.
It wouldnt work for me. I cant marry you, Tyler. I dont love you. Youre asking
me for the wrong reasons.
Something dark settled over his expression, changing him into someone I didnt
even recognize. Do you think youre ever going to get anything better?
His words cut through me like the blade of a knife and I almost doubled over from
the pain. What?
Seriously. Youre as screwed up as I am. Do you think any normal man is going to
want you when youve been engaged three times? Everyone around here has heard the
stories, Amanda. You cant get away from it.

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Tears welled in my eyes, but I ignored them, focusing an icy glare on Tyler instead.
My life is none of your business. You, of all people have no right to judge me. It isnt
fair.
You nearly killed me when you walked out on me after high school. I was willing
to take you back, no questions asked, no hard feelings, and this is what you do to me?
Dont talk to me about fair. You didnt care when you tore my heart out of my chest and
trampled all over it. You only cared about yourself.
I took a deep breath, reeling from the harsh words that seemed to come out of
nowhere. Yes, Id known he was still resentful of the way Id left town, but I hadnt
realized his anger toward me ran so deep. I think youd better take me home now. This
conversation is over.
Take yourself home. I cant even stand to be around you anymore. With that he
got into his car and drove away. Once hed driven twenty feet or so he stopped, rolled
down the passenger side window and dumped my purse out onto the sidewalk. And
then he kept going.
So much for chivalry.
With shaking legs, I walked over and picked up my purse. For a good ten minutes
after hed left me stranded, I sat on a bench downtown and cried, lamenting everything
he said and everything it had made me feel inside. And then I made myself stand and
started walking. Id tried calling home, but hadnt gotten an answer. If I could just make
it the fifteen minutes or so to the grocery store I could bug Jarred to get out early and
give me a ride home.
Id made it about halfway to my destination when a car pulled to a stop beside me.

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Chapter Twelve
The window of the car opened. I leaned down and saw Parker looking at me, a
worried expression on his face.
Do you need a ride somewhere?
Im all set. I like to walk. I tried to pull back a sniffle, but didnt quite make it in
time. His expression darkened.
What happened?
Tyler and I had a fight. Its really no big deal.
I thought you were through with him.
I am. He just said he wanted to talk tonight. He looked so upset. I couldnt say no
to him when he needed someone to talk to.
Parker threw the car into park and jumped out, coming to stand beside me. He
cupped my chin in his palm and tilted my head up. Did he hurt you? I swear to God
Ill kill him if he did.
How gallant of him. I hiccupped a watery laugh. No need for you to slay any
dragons for me. He didnt touch me. We just argued.
I cant let you walk home as upset as you are. You might not make it. He took my
hand, gave it a gentle tug. Come on, Ross. At least let me give you a ride home.
In no shape to argue, I climbed into the passenger seat. Parker got behind the
wheel. He opened the glove box, took out a couple of fast food restaurant napkins, and
handed them to me.
Sorry. I dont have any tissues.

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Another little, pathetic laugh escaped from my lips. How pathetic. I didnt want
him to see me like this, but he wasnt giving me much choice. This is fine. I really
appreciate it. Thanks.
He put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. Once we were on the road
he spoke, his tone low and soothing. So, do you want to tell me what happened?
Its nothing. He just isnt the man I thought he was.
Parker snorted. I could have told you that years ago.
Well, why didnt you?
Because I didnt think it was my business.
But its your business now?
Damn right.
Why? Because Im your employee? I put a lot more malice behind the word than I
wanted to, and I instantly regretted it. Sorry. Im a little on edge tonight.
No problem. Its completely understandable. He turned down my street, but a
panicky feeling hit me at the thought of going home. I didnt want to be alone tonight.
Hell, who was I kidding? I wanted to be with Parker. I needed something to make
me feel better, and for some reason sitting this close to him was doing the trick.
Parker, can you do me a favor?
Sure. Anything.
I hoped he really meant that, because what I had to ask him was a big one. Can
you not take me home? I dont want to go to my house yet.
He didnt say anything for a little while, his gaze focused on the road in front of
him. When he finally spoke, tension laced his voice. Where do you want to go? Out to
eat or something?
No. Somewhere quiet. Anywhere is fine, but I dont want to be around other
people right now. Do you mind?

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No. That was the extent of our conversation until he pulled his car up in front of a
cute little bungalow.
Where are we? I asked him as he shut off the car.
My house. Is it quiet enough for you?
His house. My heart skittered in my chest. Hed taken me to his house. Oh God. I
didnt know if I could handle this. I mean, sure, I was attracted to him, but did I really
want to go to his house?
Relax, Amanda. I thought we could just have a drink and talk.
I forced a laugh. Talk about getting ahead of yourself, girl. He was just trying to cheer
me up, and here I was thinking about sex and Parker. And sex with Parker. And how
much I really wanted sex with Parker, even though it totally went against my makeup to
have no-strings-attached sex. And that was exactly what it would be. No matter how
attracted to each other we were, nothing would ever work between us.
Parker cleared his throat, breaking me out of my thoughts. I turned to him and
noted his amused grin. Do you want to come in? We can order pizza or something if
you want.
That sounds good.
And then, without nearly as much trepidation as Id anticipated, I followed him up
the walk and through the front door of his house.
Once inside, he took my purse from me and set it on the counter. What do you
want to drink? I have water, cola, iced tea, wine
Wine sounded like the perfect choice, except for one thing. I didnt want my senses
dulled tonight, and given the fact that I rarely drank I didnt hold my liquor well. I
didnt want to make a fool out of myself by drinking too much and puking all over his
nice hardwood floors or expensive furniture, so I declined the alcohol. Iced tea is fine.
He poured me a glass from a pitcher he took from the fridge. I took it and he led me
into his living room, a comfortable space decorated with a navy blue denim sofa and

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love seat and a matching chair. He sat down on the couch and I followed suit. Dark
wood and masculine tones filled the room, obviously lacking a feminine touch. I smiled
inside at that thought.
Did you do the decorating yourself? I asked him, curious about other women in
his life but not yet willing to come right out and grill him about them. I wasnt stupid
enough to believe I was the only woman hed ever brought here, but I was the only one
here now. And for now, that was really all that mattered.
Charlotte helped a little. He shrugged. I only bought this place a couple years
ago. I dont really care how it looks. I just eat and sleep here, you know? As long as its
clean and not done in pink, it doesnt really matter to me.
Charlotte has excellent taste.
He glanced at me and smiled. Her husband thinks so, too.
How come youre not married? The instant the words flew from my mouth, my
face reddened. Talk about tactful. Not.
Ive always been happy being single. I never thought Id find someone I could
stand, and who could stand me, for a long-term thing, so I chose not to get involved like
that.
So youre planning to spend the rest of your life alone?
I was.
Something inside me hitched at his tone. What changed your mind?
You walked into my office.
Are you kidding me?
The look on his face told me this was no joke. Unfortunately it also told me he
wasnt particularly happy about the recent turn of events.
Parker, you hated me in high school.
No, I didnt.
You were vicious to me.
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As I recall, you were the same way toward me. But I never hated you. I hated
Tyler when he had you. He sighed. Things have changed now. Weve both changed. I
dont expect anything to come of this. I know youre still hurting from your breakup.
But I just wanted to put it out there, to be honest with you. So you know exactly where I
stand, in case youre ever interested.
My breath hitched and my heart swelled. I set my glass on the end table next to the
couch. Could he get any sweeter? In his own gruff, socially inept way, he was the most
gallant man Id ever met. No other man had ever been that truthful with me. Theyd all
fed me lines. But not Parker. He just wanted me to know. I could get up and walk out of
there right at that moment, and he wouldnt try to convince me to stay.
That fact alone is what kept me glued to the couch. I even scooted a little closer.
My gaze traveled over his face. The slight stubble on his chin, stubble I suspected
could never be truly tamed. The blue eyes that Id once thought of as cold and
unemotional. Icy. Now I realized they held a depth of emotion I could barely even
fathom. Why had I not seen that before?
He wasnt a romantic, wasnt a charmer. He said things the way they were. Didnt
beat around the bush. From the start hed been open and clear on everything that he
felt. The men I usually dated had been slick and cool, romancing me and charming me
into a sense of security that even then my subconscious had recognized as false. But
thisthis was real. It was true. I didnt understand what it was, but it was something
Id never felt before. This had spark.
Something inside me cried out in triumph. This was it. The one thing Id been
waiting for all my adult life.
That thought alone would have been enough to scare me out of my mind, if I hadnt
been too wrapped up in the delicious way Parker smelled. Sheldons words came back
to me yet again, for what seemed like the bazillionth time in the past few weeks. The
argument with Tyler had left me weak and vulnerable, the wrong time to be thinking
such thoughts, but I couldnt help it. It was time to start living in the moment rather

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than wallowing in the past. I reached my finger out and traced it down the line of his
jaw.
He tensed, and a small part of me smiled. His eyes darkened before they closed and
his head flopped back against the couch.
Im trying like hell to be a gentleman right now, Amanda. If you keep doing that, I
cant guarantee Ill be able to keep it up.
He wasnt a gentleman. Id known it from the start, but that didnt do anything to
dampen my interest in the guy. So I decided to forgo caution, for once in my life, and
move in for the kill. I leaned in and replaced my finger with my lips.
His stubble-lined jaw was rough, strong and firm. So unlike Jeremys polished skin.
So unlike Tylers, or anyone elses that Id dated in the past. The thought thrilled me
beyond compare. I traced his skin with my lips, feeling every bump and nuance he had.
Why had I not noticed how hot he was before?
Okay, so Id noticed. Why had I denied it for so long?
Because I was a complete idiot. There really was no other explanation that made
any sense.
I glanced down to see Parkers hands clenched into fists. His eyes were still
squeezed tight. He was holding onto his control by probably no more than a single
thread. Id never made a man lose control before. Well, except Tyler, but I wasnt
counting anger. I wanted to see what it would feel like to have a man be putty in my
hands. I turned his face toward mine and settled my lips over his.
He did nothing, just sat there with his eyes still closed and his fists still balled in his
lap. So I kissed him again. Not even a twitch.
I heaved a frustrated sigh. Are you going to kiss me back or what?
A rough laugh rumbled in his chest. If I kiss you, Im not going to want to stop.
And thats a problem?

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His eyes flew open and he stared at me for a long while, saying nothing. When he
finally spoke, tension laced his voice. I dont know. Is it?
Not from where Im sitting.
Shit, he muttered just before he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. Hard. For
a good long while.
By the time his hands left my back I thought Id come out of my skin. I ended up on
my back on his couch, Parker over me, between my thighs, his obvious erection
pressing against me. I nearly moaned at the thought of taking him inside me. It was
almost too much to bear.
He broke the kiss and stood, helped me to my feet.
Why are you stopping?
Bedroom. Now.
So he was one of those guys who was reduced to single word sentences when
aroused. I nearly giggled. Id never realized how powerful something like that would
make me feel. I loved every second.
He took my hand and led me to the bedroom, but he didnt bring me over to the
bed. Instead he pushed me up against the wall beside the door. In seconds his lips were
back on mine, his hands under my shirt, cupping my breasts, and it was the most
incredible thing Id ever felt. It was perfect. He was perfect. Just what I needed tonight.
Regret over my impulsiveness might sneak up on me later, but it felt damned good now
and Id probably die if he ever stopped.
A few minutes later my shirt landed on the floor, followed by my bra. And then my
shoes and pants. There was something very decadent about being almost naked with
him still completely dressed. I started to unbutton his shirt, but he moved out of my
grasp. Then his mouth was on my breast, and I forgot to breathe.
By the time we made it to the bed, I could barely stand. It had been months since Id
had a real orgasm, and I was ready now. More than ready. I reclined on the bed. Parker

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stripped me out of my panties and undressed himself. He put on a condom and climbed
over me and then, at last, he was inside me.
And I felt whole.
I know it sounds silly, clichd. But it was the truth. No man had ever been able to
make me feel the way Parker made me feel at that moment. He was everything Id ever
wanted. When I came, he came with me, and then I drifted off to sleep in his arms.

*****
I woke up sometime after dark, a little disoriented at first. I was alone, in a strange
bed, all by myself. And then it hit me and I reeled from the shock. I was in Parkers bed.
But he wasnt.
Had he had second thoughts about what happened? Did he want me to dress so he
could take me home?
A chill raced through me as I gathered my things, put my clothes back on, and
made my way downstairs. It took about that long for my sluggish mind to register the
sounds and smells of food cooking.
I stepped into the kitchen to see Parker at the stove, back to me, wearing nothing
but a pair of faded gray sweatpants. Bare feet had never done anything for me before,
but for some reason the sight of his sent a wave of heat crashing through me and I
wanted to drag him back to bed all over again.
He turned when he heard me come in. His smile turned into a frown. Youre
dressed.
You werent in bed, so I thought youd changed your mind.
About what?
All of this. About me.
He laughed, pulled me into his arms and kissed me, hard and fast, on the lips. No.
God, no, Amanda. I just figured youd be hungry, so I thought Id make us something
to eat. You must be starving.
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His words eased my tension. Marginally. What had happened between us would
still take time to digest, but at least I knew now that I wasnt in it alone.
What are you cooking?
Shrimp scampi.
Wow. He could cook? Really cook, not just reheat something from a container? Yet
again, I was really impressed. Cool.
Shit. I didnt even think to ask if you like seafood. If this isnt good, theres some
leftover spaghetti and meatballs from a few nights ago.
No, shrimp is fine.
I took a seat at the table to watch him cook. I loved the play of his back muscles
under his tanned skin, the way he moved around the kitchen with a fluid grace that
surprised me. And when he set the plate in front of me and I took a bite, I was even
impressed by his cooking skills.
Wow. This is really good.
He laughed. And youre surprised.
It wasnt a question, but a statement. One I couldnt deny. Yes, I guess I am. I
didnt expect this of you.
Expect what?
Any of it. I thought
He laughed again when my voice trailed off. Thought what?
I thought you werekind of a jerk.
He didnt say anything for a few minutes. He just looked at me with a mix of
disbelief and humor in his gaze. Sorry about that. I thought it would be easier to deny
my attraction to you if I didnt like you. But as much as I tried, I couldnt convince
myself you were the bitch Tyler made you out to be when you left.
He did what?

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He told everyone he proposed, and you trampled all over his heart. Stories like
that. You know how everyone talks in a small town.
Did I ever. Especially after the quilting club fiasco. But you dont think that
anymore?
No. I never really did.
I was about to say more when my cell phone rang. I rushed to grab it from my
purse and flipped it open.
Hello?
Amanda, its Jarred.
His breathless, tense tone sent a jolt of anxiety through my stomach and a chill
down my spine. Jarred? Whats wrong?
Its Mom. Shes been in an accident.
Oh my God. Is she okay?
I dont know. I just got a call from the hospital. Theyre taking her into surgery
now.
My heart bottomed out. My stomach sank to my knees and my knees threatened to
sink to the floor. Did they say what happened?
She was crossing the street, and she got hit by a car. It doesnt look good, Amanda.
Can you meet me there?
Yeah. Im on my way.

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Chapter Thirteen
Whats the matter? Parker asked me when I disconnected the call. You look as
white as a ghost.
I shoved a messy lock of hair behind my ear with numb fingers. It seemed like a
dream, like what Jarred had told me was some kind of sick joke and any minute now Id
realize my mother was just fine, home in bed where she belonged at this time of night.
What had she been doing out so late, anyway?
If Id been at home, she would have stayed in. She would have been just fine.
I glanced at Parker and swallowed a sob. My mother was hit by a car.
Instantly he was at my side, his arm around me. Is she okay?
That was Jarred. He said shes in the hospital and theyre taking her into surgery.
Give me two seconds to throw on a shirt and some shoes.
He was out of the room before I could stop him, but then I realized I really couldnt
protest much. I had no car. It was sitting in front of my house. And having Jarred come
to pick me up would be just a waste of time. Besides, my battered mind reminded me, it
would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on in Sheldons absence. And I really did want
Parker there. I had a terrible premonition that there would be more than a few tears.

*****
How are you holding up? Parker sat back down beside me on the uncomfortable
hospital waiting room chairs. He handed me a cup of vending machine coffee, which I
was so grateful for I couldnt even explain. The pungent scent of disinfectant permeated
the air and filled my lungs, making me want to gag.
Wed been waiting for what seemed like days but could really only have been
hours, and still there was no news on how my mother was doing. I wanted to strangle
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someone, to force them into giving me information, but I didnt. I sat there, helplessness
nearly overwhelming me.
Im okay.
Jarred sat on the other side of me, looking as lost and worried as I felt. He spoke
every once in a while but for the most part had stayed silent. Id never seen him so
quiet, so grown-up before and it settled into a ball of ice in the pit of my stomach.
Grams sat in the chair on the other side of Jarred, her hands clasped in her lap and
her lips white. Shed told me it happened when my mother had gone for the late
evening walk she took from time to time. Why had I not been there to take the walk
with her?
I took a few sips of my coffee and leaned against Parkers shirt, still wet from my
tears. Why he put up with me, I had no idea. He didnt deserve someone as screwed up
as I so obviously was.
Parker?
He glanced down at me, his eyes filled with concern. Yeah?
You can go home if you want to. You dont need to hang around just because you
feel obligated.
I dont feel that way. He smoothed down my hair with his palm. I want to be
here. I want to be with you. You need someone, and I dont mind.
Jarred and Grams are here.
He nodded. And so am I.
That right there made me feel a smidgen better. I opened my mouth to say more,
but a doctor in a white lab coat came out to speak with us. He told us my mother would
be fine, eventually, but she had a concussion and a shattered femur that had required
surgery and it was going to take months for her to completely heal.
Shed be in the hospital for a few weeks to a month, but after that shed need
someone to care for her at home. And Grams would need someone to look after her

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while my mother was out of commission. I wouldnt ask Jarred to quit school to help
take care of them, and in-home care was out of the question. My mother wouldnt stand
for a complete stranger coming into her house to help her with sensitive issues like
bathing and going to the bathroom.
I have to quit now, you know. I told Parker after the doctor left the room.
I figured youd say that.
It made my heart ache a bit to think about not seeing him as much, but maybe this
was some sort of a strange wake-up call. Maybe a little distance would help me clear
my head. I couldnt even begin to think of developing a brand-new relationship when
my mother lay in a bed with tubes sticking all out of her. It would be months before I
was even free to date again. A clean break would hurt, but it would be the best thing for
both of us.
Im going to be here a while. This time I made sure my tone explained to him that
he didnt have to stick around. I wanted him there, but I also didnt. The support was
great, but I needed to focus all my energy on my mother right now. My life had turned
a corner and it left no room for anything else.
Parkers expression fell and he raked a big hand through his hair. Youd rather I
didnt stay.
Would it really bother you if I said yes?
I expected him to tell me it wouldmaybe I even wanted him tobut he only
shook his head. I understand. Give me a call later and let me know how everything is,
okay?
I will. Though whether I really intended to or not, I didnt know.

*****
It turned out that I didnt call him. Not even once. But hed called me.
My mother had been home from the hospital for nearly a month, and she was
making an amazing recovery. Much to her chagrin, the doctors told her over and over
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how healthy she was for a woman her age, and how her bones healed so quickly shed
be off the crutches and graduate to a cane in a week or two. I had a feeling it would be a
while before she complained of phantom illnesses.
Tyler and I ran into each other once in a while, but we barely spoke a word to each
other anymore. Last I heard, Misty had backed off the quest for full custody and theyd
been able to come up with a suitable arrangement out of court. I secretly hoped things
werent as simple as they seemed on the surface. Whatever happened to him, hed
brought it upon himself.
And me Id been busy organizing the house, cleaning, cooking for everyone, and
avoiding Parker at all costs.
Id also taken the time alonefor the first time in my adult life, Id been really and
truly on my ownto come to an important decision. I wasnt going to leave East Eden.
My family was here. My life was here. I was here. For good. Sheldon would just have to
get used to coming to visit me, because this was where I belonged and any thoughts of
leaving had become things of the past.
But there was still the little issue of Parker that I had to solve. For the first week
hed called every day. Our conversations had been short and tense, with me making
excuses to get off the phone as soon as I could. The second week hed only called twice.
I hadnt heard from him now since the week my mother came home from the hospital.
Even though it ached inside, I would have been perfectly comfortable never speaking to
him again. It was just easier that way than risking getting my heart broken all over
again by a man who said he cared and then turned around and hurt me. Theyd all
done that. I didnt think I could live through it happening again. But in the past few
weeks it had become painfully clear that Id never be able to avoid Parker Stone again.
My period was overdue. Way overdue. And if the queasy stomach was any
indication, I was pregnant.
Remember all those lectures back in high school health class when they told you
that condoms werent a hundred percent effective? Turned out they were right.

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I was sitting on the closed toilet lid in the bathroom, tapping my nails on the edge
of the sink, waiting for the directed two minutes to be up before I read the results of my
over-the-counter pee-on-a-stick test. My stomach had clenched into knots long ago and
my heart beat so hard I was afraid it would break my ribs. I didnt need the results to be
sure. In my heart I already knew. But in order to face Parker with the overwhelming
news, I needed to be able to say Id at least seen some kind of solid proof of my current
condition.
The alarm on my watch beeped and I picked up the little white test stick. I wasnt
surprised to see the results, though my heart dropped to my knees and my stomach
threatened to heave its contents. Id have to call Parker and let him know about the
recent development. As soon as I got up the courage.
Now the only question that remained was how would he take the news? He wasnt
very happy with me right now. Possibly it had something to do with the fact that Id all
but come right out and told him I didnt want to see him anymore. Which, of course,
had been a total lie, but it must have been pretty convincing. He hadnt called since Id
explained that to him.
And now I was stuck, unsure of what to do. Unsure of how to break the news to
him. I could do it over the phone, but that seemed a little cowardly. So Id have to think
of something else.
I just didnt want to do it today.
My hand dropped to my stomach and rested on the still-flat skin. I knew one thing.
If I was going to be a single mother, even though I had a feeling Parker would be very
involved in this childs life, Id have to find a way to support myself. Therefore, Id need
to get some sort of a job. But what? I refused to put in the long hours as a real estate
agent, not when I had a baby at home whod need me.
The thought of having a little one to depend on me sent a jolt of fear slicing through
me, but it excited me at the same time. I just wished that it could have worked out
differently. That Parker and I could have been together, so I could have worked part-

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time and devoted most of my time to raising the child the way my mother raised me.
Minus the whole hypochondria thing.
I scooped up the test, box and instructions and dumped them into the trash, not
even bothering to hide the evidence. My family would know soon enough anyway. At
least this way I could avoid any uncomfortable confessions.
I opened the door and stepped out into the hall, my thoughts racing. Jarred stood
just outside the door. He gave me a small smile before he went into the bathroom and
shut the door.
The door opened a second later and he pinned me with a questioning gaze.
Amanda?
Yeah? My mouth went dry.
You took a pregnancy test.
Um, yeah.
What were the results?
Its all right there.
He made a gagging gesture. Like Im going to dig through the trash can to find a
plastic stick coated with urine.
Despite the seriousness of the situation, I had to laugh. The laughter died quickly,
though, when I had to answer his question. It looks like youre going to be an uncle.
Whos the father? Not Tyler.
No.
Good. That man should have been fixed a long time ago. A small, knowing smile
lifted one corner of his mouth. So its Parkers baby?
I nodded again.
At least I know hell do the right thing.
The right thing?

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Yeah. He owns a business, has a nice house. Hell provide for you and the baby
really well once you get married.
I never said anything about marriage, Jarred.
He looked at me like Id suddenly sprouted horns and a long tail. But thats what
hell want to do. Trust me. I know the kind of guy he is.
And if thats what happens, then, Ill tell him no. Im not going to marry someone I
dont love. The child can have a happy life as long as hes loved. He can have both
parents in his life without them being together.
But you dont love Parker?
I wanted to say yes, but the words stuck in my throat. Falling in love with him
would have been inevitable if I hadnt run away. No. I like him. A lot. But I dont
know him well enough to love him. Im not going to rush into this, Jarred.
He shook his head, but the smile didnt go anywhere. Its great to see youve
finally got a good head on your shoulders. If you need anything, Mandy, dont be afraid
to ask. Ill even kick Parkers ass if he gives you a hard time.
I dont think thatll really be necessary, but thanks. I walked down the hall, my
stomach still twisted in knots as I thought about the conversation Id have to have with
Parker. Id never dreaded anything more in my life.

*****
With Jarred home and Mom able to move around a lot better than before, I took the
opportunity to meet Jill for lunch that afternoon. I walked the twenty minutes from my
house to town, the whole time going over and over in my mind what I was going to say
to Parker when I finally got up the nerve to tell him.
I wish I knew how hed react. He never once mentioned children, ever, except to
call Tylers boys hellions. How did Parker feel about children? Did he dislike them?
And how would he feel about the instant family I was about to dump into his lap?

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It must have been the emotions of pregnancy, because all of a sudden hot tears
welled in my eyes and spilled over, coursing down my cheeks and dripping down my
neck. Once the waterworks started, I couldnt get it to stop. It was the worst, not being
able to hold it all in. First thered been Jeremy, then Tyler, then my mothers accident,
and now a baby I didnt even know yet if the father wanted. Sheldon was right all
along. I was just one big fat mess. I had to find some way to fix this.
But then I realized something Id never realized before. I had fixed it. Well, most of
it. And Id done it on my own. Id left Jeremy. And Tyler. And Id stuck around to help
my mother recover from her accident. Id pulled through, and it was going to be just
fine.
Once I told Parker about the baby.
I reached the little caf downtown, where Jill had already reserved us a table. Her
smile turned to a worried frown as I settled into the wooden chair across from her.
Have you been crying, Amanda?
Gee, what gave it away? The red puffy eyes or the mascara streaks running down
my face? I sniffed. No. Im fine.
I cant tell you how often Ive said that in the past few months.
Sure you are.
The waitress came, brought glasses of water and took our orders. When she left, I
gulped half the water down to wet my throat, which was now almost constantly
parched. Jills frown deepened and she tapped her fingertips on the table.
Whats the matter with you? Obviously something is really wrong.
Its stress. Thats all. Nothing important. Except for the fact that I was carrying
the child of a man whod turned out to be my one and only one-night stand. Just a
little stress overload.
Well, you and Parker both.
I blinked. What do you mean?

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Hes been the biggest bear since youve been gone. I swear, I cant even stand to be
around the guy anymore. Even Charlotte decided to extend her maternity leave once
she came into the office and saw how he was acting.
An ache started in the area of my heart and spread lower until my stomach had
twisted. That sucks.
Jill laughed. Talk about a major understatement. Youve got to come back before I
strangle the guy.
I dont think I can do that.
Why not?
Because I dont know if Parker is going to want to see me again.
Are you kidding me? Hed be thrilled. More than thrilled. She shook her head. I
dont know what happened between the two of you, but hes different when youre not
around. If you come back, even part-time, hed be a lot happier.
Maybe not. I kinda have something to tell him that he might not be too crazy
about.
What could be that bad? she asked, her expression a mix of humor and curiosity.
Im pregnant.
She said nothing for a long time, just focused her concerned gaze on me. When she
finally spoke, caution laced her tone. Please dont take this the wrong way, but is the
baby your exs? Orits not Tylers, is it?
Its Parkers.
Jills eyes widened. She smacked her hands on the tabletop and leaned forward.
You didnt tell me you and Parker were that involved.
It was only one time, right before my mother got into the accident. It wasnt a big
deal.
But it is now.
I let out a strangled little laugh. Yeah, I guess it kinda is.
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Im assuming you havent told him yet.

Youre assuming correctly.
You have to. She glanced around the small caf before her gaze landed on mine
again. The look in her eyes had softened, and her tone followed suit. Hell be really
pissed if you hide it from him.
Yeah, I know. I would never do that to him. He didnt deserve that kind of
treatment.
But that didnt make things any easier.

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Chapter Fourteen
When I got home an hour later, Parkers car sat in the driveway. Empty. My heart
skittered and threatened to beat out of my chest. Great. Just what I needed right now. I
didnt want to see him until Id worked out how I was going to break the news. If Jarred
said anything to him before I got the chance, Id strangle my no-good brother and enjoy
every second of it. My hands clenched into fists, I marched up the porch steps and let
myself into the house.
The first thing that hit me was the sound of my mothers laughter coming from the
kitchen, along with Jarreds voice. And Parkers. I gulped. So hed come into my house
and made himself at home. Could this day get any worse?
I walked into the kitchen and found them all sitting around the table. A huge,
sparkling vase of roses sat in the center of the table. But they werent just any roses.
They were the most unusual shade of lavender. It was the prettiest thing Id ever seen.
And Parker had brought them for my mother, for her recovery. The hormones jumped
into action again and made my knees weak. Where did he get off being such a nice guy,
anyway?
Amanda! My mother exclaimed when she saw me. Jarred and Parker turned their
eyes toward me, too. Jarreds were filled with subtle amusement, and Parkers with
annoyance and uncertainty and a whole bunch of other things I couldnt really identify.
My fingers itched to reach out and stroke his cheek, or run through his hair. I bit down
on the inside of my lip. Hard.
How are you feeling, Mom? I leaned down to kiss her on the cheek.
Better than I have in a long time. She glanced at Parker and smiled. It was nice
of him to come and visit you, wasnt it?
Yeah. Great.
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And he brought you those beautiful flowers.

Yeah. Hold on a second. Had she said he brought them to me? I glanced at him,
and his tentative smile confirmed it. They were incredible, and they were for me. I
hadnt gotten flowers that werent part of an apology or a holiday obligation in as long
as I could remember. It warmed me inside way more than it should. It was an amazing
gesture, especially coming from a man who didnt seem to have a romantic bone in his
body.
You didnt have to do that.
Dont you know by now that I dont do things because I have to?
A strange hush had fallen over the kitchen as my mother and Jarred hung on our
every word. I sighed.
I have something I really need to talk to you about. I focused a stern glare on each
of the two busybodies before I gestured to Parker. Can we take a walk or something?
Anywhere to get away from these two.
Sure. He pushed up from the table and walked over to me. Again I was struck by
how damned gorgeous the guy was. Even in jeans and a plain red T-shirt, he stood out.
His presence took over the room. What the hell did he want with a brown-haired
nothing like me?
It didnt really matter if he wanted me or not. In a few months hed be stuck with
me, in one way or another. Unless he chose to have nothing to do with the baby.
But he wouldnt do that. Would he?
I shivered inside. Up until now, that possibility hadnt even entered my mind. What
if he told me to never speak to him about it again? What if he signed over his parental
rights and pretended the baby didnt exist?
Do you see what I get for following your advice, Sheldon? The next time I see you, Im going
to have to kick your ass from here to Cincinnati.

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I led Parker into the living room, where Grams was sitting in her usual spot on the
couch. Fear Factor. I thought it was one Id seen before, but I couldnt be sure. Id seen so
many episodes theyd all started to blend together until it become one big mass of
adrenaline and unconventional snacks.
I settled onto the loveseat and Parker sat down next to me. He patted my knee and
gave me a small smile. So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?
Well, I hedged, still not having planned out exactly how I was going to break the
news to him. It wasnt the kind of thing a girl just blurted out. It took care and finesse.
Understanding and compassion. And
Will you two be quiet for a few minutes, please? Grams voice broke into my
thoughts. Im trying to watch Katie eat cow spleen.
My stomach roiled. Probably a side effect of pregnancy. I excused myself and ran
down the hall to the bathroom, where I emptied my lunch into the toilet.
What seemed like hours later I stood, rinsed out my mouth and gargled with mint
mouthwash. When I turned, I found Parker standing in the now open doorway. His
gaze wasnt fixed on me, though. It was fixed on the trash can. And the pregnancy test
box inside.
Is that what you wanted to tell me? He gestured to the trash can with his chin.
Um, yeah. It kinda is.
Oh. His face went ghost-white and his throat worked as he swallowed. He ran a
hand through his hair and slumped against the doorframe. Maybe we should take that
walk now. Im suddenly feeling the need for a little fresh air.

*****
So you just found out today? Parker asked. Wed stopped walking when we
reached the public park downtown. He sat on a picnic table, his feet on the bench and
his forearms resting on his knees. I stood leaning against a tree trunk nearby, afraid to

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get too close. Afraid of what he might say. His question was the first thing hed said to
me since we left my house.
Yeah. This morning.
But you suspected sooner, or you wouldnt have taken a test.
I nodded.
For how long?
A couple of weeks.
He let out a sigh, shook his head. His frustration was almost a palpable thing
hanging between us. Why didnt you call me?
To be honest, I didnt know what to say to you. I didnt know how youd act. Wed
never talked about children before. Heck, wed never really talked all that much. We
were together that one time, and that was it. So I was still trying to figure out how Id
tell you.
You were planning on telling me, right?
Indignation screamed inside me. What kind of a bitch did he think I was? I clenched
my hands into fists. Of course I was going to tell you. Like I said, I just needed to find
the right way to do it. Im still getting used to the idea myself.
And how do you feel about it now?
Im nervous. Scared. But a part of me is actually looking forward to it. Watching
all my friends with their kids, listening to them talk about them, had been an experience
that showed me what I was missing in my life. Love. A home and family. I guess two
out of three is a pretty good start.
How do you feel about it? I asked, mentally bracing myself for his answer.
He sighed in response.
That was all it took for my heart to break. Neither of us had been expecting it, but
for some reason Id hoped hed be happy about the turn of events. At least a little
happy. Dont worry about it. I wont ask anything of you that you dont want to give.
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If you dont want to be a part of the babys life, I wont ask that of you. If you only want
to come visit on weekends, wherever we live, thats fine. Well work it out. It isnt like
He gave me That Look, the one I hadnt seen in a long time. Despite all that had
happened, it still had the same effect. I clamped my mouth shut.
I have a feeling that if I asked you to marry me right now, youd say no.
His statement took me by surprise. How did we get from him not even being able
to talk about his feelings to talking of marriage?
No matter what anyone thought, I wouldnt marry him out of some warped sense
of duty. Youre right. Im not going to make both our lives miserable because we
created a child together.
His dark expression told me loud and clear that he didnt care for my choice of
words. Is that how you feel about me? I make you miserable?
I didnt mean it like that. Its just that Ive had three broken engagements in my
life. I dont need another mess of a relationship. Id be better off on my own.
He said nothing for a long while. A mother ran by, chasing two small, blonde,
giggling little girls. My heart clenched. Soon Id have a little giggling bundle of my own.
When I glanced back at Parker, I was surprised to see a touch of the same wistfulness in
his eyes.
I was married once, he said matter-of-factly. A few years ago.
The breath caught in my throat. Hed told me before he never had any interest in
getting married. Thered been no mention of a wife in his past. You were?
He nodded.
What happened?
Your ex.
Tyler?
Yeah. She apparently found him a lot more interesting than she found me.

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That would explain the animosity between them. Why hadnt he mentioned this
sooner? Why hadnt someone told me about it? Im sorry.
Its no big deal. Its over and done. But I just wanted you to know you arent the
only one whos been hurt. You arent the only one whos careful to guard your
emotions. He glanced off into the distance for a little while before he looked back at
me. I want to change that. I want to give this a chance. Will you do that with me?
I wont marry you just because Im pregnant.
I know that. I wouldnt ask that of you. Come here. He widened his legs and
beckoned for me. When I got close enough he pulled me against him and kissed me.
Hard. When broke the kiss and he leaned back, he smiled. I was thinking maybe we
should go out on a date.
Wasnt that generally supposed to happen before the pregnancy? You want to go
on a date?
Yeah. I do. And before you even start again, theres no way youre going to keep
me out of my childs life. Im in it with you, the whole way, whether were together or
not.
That made me smile inside. I wanted to do this, but I really wasnt looking forward
to doing it alone. Good. Im glad.
I want to get to know you better. Well take it slow, but will you do me one favor?
Whats that?
Give it a real chance. Dont push me aside. I want to be with you. His lips
brushed my forehead. Im going to fall in love with you. I know that now. Hell, I knew
that months ago. So just open yourself up to whatever might happen and dont try to
push me away, okay?
The least I could do was agree to give it a chance. He said he was going to fall in
love with me. He was so open and honest that it swelled my heart. I had to agree, but it
was mostly because I felt the same way. I could see myself loving Parker, spending the

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rest of my life with him. But that was in the future. Wed have to get through a date or
two first.
Okay. Ill try.
Good.
Something about the relieved look in his eyes calmed my twisting emotions. For the
first time in a very long time, I didnt get the feeling I would regret that decision.

*****
When I got back home that afternoon and said goodbye to Parker, I rushed to my
room and dialed Sheldon on my cell.
Did you take it? he asked. He was the only one Id dared tell about my suspicions
until Id confirmed them.
Yep. It was positive.
He let out a long, low whistle. Wow. So what are you going to do?
Im going to stay here and raise my child.
Thats mighty brave of you. He laughed. So how did the stud take the news?
Better than I expected.
So whens the wedding?
Theres no wedding planned, I told him. Yet. Whether that happens or not still
remains to be seen. He is taking me out on a date though. Tomorrow afternoon.
A date, huh? I guess thats a start.
It was as good as a start anyone was going to get. It was good enough for me, and
good enough for Parker, so everyone else would just have to understand. He did offer
the whole marriage thing, in a roundabout way, but he also told me he already knew Id
say no.
Is that the truth? Miss Engaged-to-a-new-man-every-other-year?
This time its different.
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Yeah, this time youre permanently attached to the guy in some form, whether the
relationship lasts or not.
Thats part of it, but it isnt what Im talking about. It wasnt just that the situation
was different, it was the way I felt. Something inside me had changed. I didnt know if
it came from learning I was going to be a mother, or from my budding relationship with
Parker, or even something else, but I wasnt the same person whod come to East Eden a
few months earlier. I was someone else. Someone I liked a lot better than the person Id
been.
No?
No. It just feels different. I dont feel the need to lock Parker into some kind of a
commitment, and I dont feel the burning desire to get a ring on my finger.
Do you know why?
My sigh ended on a laugh. No, but Im sure youre going to tell me.
Of course I am. What kind of friend would I be if I didnt offer you my advice?
A good one?
Oh shut up.
He chuckled. Youre not in a rush to get engaged because you know, deep down,
that this one is going to stick around. You finally found one of the good guys. Someone
whos right for you. Im happy for you, Mandy. I just hope you call me all the time and
come to visit.
Of course I will. And youll have to come here to visit, too. My mothers even
offered to let you stay with her.
What did I tell you? I told you Id win them over.
I shook my head. Why did he always have to be right?

*****

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A few hours later I sat out on the front porch, listening to the crickets chirp into the
night air. It was so peaceful here, so different from what Id lived with for so long in the
city, but now I couldnt imagine leaving. My hand settled on my still flat stomach and I
spoke softly.
Hey there. Youre really going to love it here, even if it is a little strange. But Id
make sure to take plenty of trips out of town so the little one didnt get bored. It
wouldnt be like what I grew up with. I intended to pass on my shopping addiction to
the next generation of Rosses.
Not Rosses. Stones. The name would take some getting used to. My child wouldnt
have my last name.
I stood to go inside when my cell phone rang. I picked it up off the bench next to
me and glanced at the caller ID screen. Parker.
Hey, he said when I answered.
Hey. Whats going on?
Im just calling to see how you are. Are you still feeling nauseous?
I laughed. As long as I dont watch Fear Factor or any show where people have to
eat animal guts I seem to be okay most of the time.
Good. I was worried about that. If you need anything, anything at all, you know
you can call me, right? I have my cell on all the time. Even if its a middle of the night
craving, it doesnt matter. Just call me. Ill be there for you, Ross.
I laughed at his use of my last name. It didnt fit the situation wed gotten ourselves
into, but it comforted me to know not much had changed. Thanks. I think Ill be okay,
though.
Its okay to lean on me, you know.
And it was also okay to do some things on my own. Ill see you tomorrow
afternoon, right?
Yeah. Ill come by around one.

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Sounds great. Ill talk to you then.

Sleep well, Amanda.
Those three little words thrilled me more than I could even begin to understand.

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Chapter Fifteen
I was a little more nervous than I should have been, getting ready for my date with
Parker. Here I was, pregnant with the mans child, and the newness of the whole thing
still settled like a rock in the pit of my stomach. When hed told me he was going to fall
in love with me, I had to admit to myself, that I felt the same way. I knew it already,
was already half in love with the guy as it was. And I wanted everything to work out.
But I refused to push it, refused to throw myself into it too quickly.
And most of all, I refused to settle.
It wouldnt be just settling with Parker. Id be happy for the rest of my life with the
guy, but I wasnt going to rush into it just because we had a baby on the way. Lots of
women did it this way. Lots of women even raised the children on their own, without a
man at all. A few months ago I wouldnt have been strong enough to handle this. But
now Id become someone new. Id found my inner strength. I didnt need to lean on
Sheldon anymore, because I could do it all myself.
The thought brought a smile to my face as I dressed. After I was ready in my jeans
and T-shirthey, hormones made me cranky and comfort was now top priorityI
wandered into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of spring water from the gallon in
the fridge.
My mother hobbled into the kitchen on her crutches. Going out this afternoon?
Yep. I have a date.
With Parker.
I nodded.
Her expression darkened and she shook her head. Your brother told me whats
going on. I hope hes planning to marry you.

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He offered. I shrugged. Im not ready to get married yet.

Whats going to happen in a few months, when the babys born?
Well deal with that in a few months. And hopefully wed talk about it today.
I dont want you to have to do it alone. Her expression softened. She let out a soft
sigh. Raising children is hard with two parents, Amanda. I dont want to see you have
to go through it as a single mother.
I wont be alone. Even if we dont get married, Parker will still be around. And Ill
have you and Grams for help whenever I need it.
A big smile broke out over her face. A face devoid of makeup, devoid of drama. The
accident had really tamed her penchant for internet diseases, though I wondered if that
wouldnt be back sometime soon. Some small bit of me would miss that part of her if
she gave it up. It had been going on for so long, and it was a big piece of who she was.
And I finally understood that, whatever her eccentricities, I loved her anyway. With all
my heart. She was my mother. Shed raised me, taken care of me, and I owed her a
whole lot more than I could ever repay.
Ill do whatever you need. To think, a grandchild. I wasnt sure this day would
ever come.
I blinked, ready to protest, but she continued.
Even though you didnt do it the traditional way, Im happy for you.
She didnt say but I would rather youd gotten married first, though I saw it in her eyes.
Thanks.
I was pretty happy for myself, too. Nervous, scared, and unsure of everything, but
at least I knew I had the strength to make it. It wouldnt be easy. In fact, it would
probably be the most difficult thing Id ever had to do.
My inner Sheldon chose that moment to pipe in. Bring it on.

*****

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Id expected Parker to pull out all the stops. To want to take me to a fancy
restaurant and do all the supposedly impressive stuff Id never really needed and
would have rejected, but he surprised me yet again. Instead of going out of town to
some exclusive, trendy restaurant, he took me on a picnic in the park.
He spread a light blue sheet over the grass and set down the cooler hed grabbed
out of the back of his car. We sat on the sheet and he took sandwiches and potato salad
out of the cooler.
I hope this is okay. I really had no idea if any of this would make you sick.
Ive been okay so far. Just a tiny bit of morning sickness when I first get up, but
nothing serious. After hearing some of the stories Jill had told me, it seemed that, so
far, I was one of the lucky ones.
Good. Roast beef or turkey?
Turkey. Roast beef made me a tiny bit queasy, but I didnt say anything to him.
Hed gone to so much trouble, and I really appreciated all he was doing for me.
I unwrapped the sandwich he handed me and took a small bite. How are things in
the office?
Good. I finally convinced Charlotte to come back. Again.
Be nice to her, or Ill have to kick your ass.
He chuckled, the sound rich and warm. A look of mock offense settled over his
features. Im always nice.
Funny, but I dont recall much about that side of your personality. At least not at
work.
So youre feeling okay? Really?
I nodded.
Will you let me know when you have your doctors appointments? I want to go
with you.

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Of course. He really was getting into all this dad-to-be stuff. And I liked it. He
was honest, not conniving and lying. I could very easily see myself falling for the guy.
By the time he took me home later that afternoon a sense of comfort had wrapped
around me. Finally, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was where I belonged.

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Three Years Later

Things have a way of working themselves out. I eventually married Parker, though
it took until a few months after our daughter, Ashley, was born for him to ask me. Hed
timed it perfectly. Any sooner than that and I wouldnt have acceptedmuch to the
chagrin of my mother, my brother, and the entire quilting club of East Eden.
I cant say that everything is always perfect. That would be a lie. Parker is still gruff
and stubborn and I have my moments too. But if the relationship were completely
without difficulties Id worry. Life has its problems, but it has its share of happiness,
too. We have to learn to take the good with the bad, and understand that everything
happens for a reason.
My mothers hypochondria seemed to have faded after her accident. Shes been
dating a great guy for the past few months, and it does my heart good to see her happy
again.
Jarred finished school and got a job with the police department of a neighboring
town, though it took him months to tell my mother about it. She seems to have taken it
okayunless you count the first few weeks of carrying around a tissue box and crying
and moaning about how she was going to lose her only son to a drive-by shooting.
Reminding her that, in this area, the crime rate was practically zero did nothing to calm
her, so we left her alone. Eventually she learned to accept it.
Grams passed away last year. A fast-moving cancer. To this day I cant sit down to
watch reality TV without tears coming to my eyes. Im just glad I moved back to East
Eden and had a few years with her before she died. She turned out to be my biggest
supporter while I was pregnant, reminding my mother and all of her friends that I was
a grown woman perfectly capable of deciding when I should get married. She told them

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I was strong. She also told me that I had a good man in Parker, and if I let him slip away
shed never forgive me. Those teasing words still make me laugh.
Sheldon settled down with a great guy. They visit often and Sheldon and I still talk
on the phone a few times a week. Hes my best friend, and nothing is ever going to
change that. Sometimes I need an objective opinion, and I can always count on him to
give me one, even if I dont always like what he has to say. And yes, hes still always
right, much to my irritation.
As I sit here on my front porch, watching Parker playing with Ashley in the yard,
my hand drifts to my stomach and I think about the baby growing inside. I havent told
Parker yet. I have a feeling this time itll be much easier than the first.

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About the Author

Born in Gloucester, Massachusetts, Elisa Adams has lived most of her life on the
east coast. Formerly a nursing assistant and phlebotomist, writing has been a longtime
hobby. Now a full time writer, she lives on the New Hampshire border with her
husband and three children.

Elisa welcomes mail from readers. You can write to her c/o Elloras Cave
Publishing at 1056 Home Avenue, Akron, OH 44310-3502.

Also by Elisa Adams

Grave Silence
Nothing Personal

If you are interested in a spicier read and are over 18, check out her erotic romances
at Elloras Cave Publishing (www.ellorascave.com).

Dark Promises: Demonic Obsession

Dark Promises: Flesh and Blood
Dark Promises: Midnight
Dark Promises: Shift of Fate
Dark Promises: Tarnished
Dirty Pictures
Dream Stalker
Edens Curse
In Darkness
In Moonlight anthology
Just Another Night

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